All Or Nothing

After the PFT class had ended, the wind continued to blow. At this point during the day, I usually go to the pill call line to pick up the protein drinks. My obsessive compulsive nature has caused me to become an all or nothing person in many aspects in my life especially with diet and exercise. No matter how I view it, my diet and exercise regimes are at the far end of the spectrum and do lack moderation. Just like the protein drinks which are available to me each day – when I first started taking these drinks, I thought I had to take them everyday which is a ludicrous thought. This is another all or nothing philosophy which has gotten me into trouble in the past.

Moderation and balance are very difficult concepts for me to balance and this is truly a work in progress. I do know one area where there is no discussion regarding moderation which is gambling. I know I can NEVER be a moderate gambler because I would most certainly progress into horrific uncontrolled gambling. I am grateful to understand this but there are other areas in my life such as diet and exercise where I do realize balance and moderation will serve me well. The positives about my current situation (which can also be negative if done improperly) are thinking and constantly working on myself to become a better person. I know it has taken me awhile and will continue over the course of my lifetime but it is all worth it. Thanks to my recovery I have discovered my faults and also my assets. I work on these daily and I am getting better each day. This is certainly not easy for me but I do like the results so far.

Dinner tonight was a must for me because it was my favorite – Mexican Night! Spanish rice, beans, salsa, and tortillas!

Once back in the dorm (thankfully, because it was extremely cold outside, too cold to stand in the pill call line) I had completed writing and quickly flipped on my radio to hear yet another report on the overcrowding of the prison system.

Last night as I was falling asleep, the temperature had to be in the teens and the ceiling fans were turned on in the dorm – one which was right above my head. I feel asleep under a sheet and two woolen blankets only to wake up 3 hours later shivering when I proceeded to turn off the fan. My sleep was anything but restful due to the cold and the CO’s going through the dorms (very noisily) every two hours. This was very annoying but again part of the punishment for my crime. My sleeping arrangements are not my own but at this point in time and I do understand and accept this. I will make it through no matter the diversions along the way and the disturbances last night are only temporary in the grand scheme of life. I do believe these are all tests and I am doing my best to pass them.

I finally gave up trying to sleep around 5:00 am and went to use the restroom. I saw one of my dorm mates near the sink and we greeted each other with a “Good Morning.” He then said, “Last night was the coldest night ever.”

I said, “Ever?” He then went on to tell me how he was watching the news and the Sacramento area temperatures were indeed in the high teens which made it the coldest night on record. I have no idea what is going on in the world because my family who now resides in NJ haven’t seen cold temperatures like these this winter. Here I am in California freezing. Is this the global warming at its finest or just one of those tricky weather cycles? Whatever the case, I certainly do hope the cold weather I am currently experiencing passes sooner than later. With this cold weather has come some very dry air with very bright sunshine. There hasn’t been a cloud in the sky all week so I guess it could be worse.

I was able to finish FOREVER ODD by Dean Koontz and it surprised me. The book was well written and I especially enjoyed the dialogue of the lead character. This was a very intelligently written book with many subtle messages regarding life’s journey. I have a new found appreciation for Mr. Koontz. The storyline was not exactly to my liking but the prose utilized throughout the novel was incredible. This morning I finished the book and began my writing thereafter.