Being Included

I did get to go the store and purchased shaving cream (which was my only must) and I added soup, tuna, bean, peanut butter, cracker and oatmeal cookie stocks. I only spent $45.00 this time and all of the food could not fit into my locker so once again I have a laundry bag of food underneath my bunk. It seems as if all of the snack items sold in the store are high in fat and salt. Once again a healthy snack such as baked tortillas or baked potato chips would have been nice.

It took over 30 minutes to finally get up to the window and receive the items on my list. I signed the receipt and pushed it back through the window. The employee then told me to place my fingerprints on the receipt. He also went on to say that since I am an instructor I should have known better and I should be an example to other inmates. I made an honest omission and here I was being denigrated. I apologized but thought to myself how we are held to a higher level than the rest of the inmates but are not treated any differently only when we make mistakes. It is one of those damned if you do, damned if you don’t situations!

Once I was finished with the store, I headed back to the basketball court for the post class instructor meeting. When the meeting concluded, I made my way over to the dorm in hopes of an unscheduled unlock. However, the regular CO was back from his lengthy vacation and in spite of him walking past me and the dorm door four different times, he waited an additional 45 minutes to provide the unlock. I know there are rules; however, I obviously needed to go into the dorm while I stood there with a big bag of food. This didn’t matter at all because as the CO walked passed me four different times, he didn’t acknowledge me once. I have learned so much about powerlessness since my recovery started almost 2 years ago. I have also learned so much about this same subject since arriving in prison over 6 months ago. I am powerless to the locking and unlocking of doors – being at the mercy of the system. This was clearly evident as the CO ignored me and went about his business only to provide the unlock at the requisite time. Clearly my life is not my own and it is at times very frustrating. I do accept my role and look forward to the time when my life is my own again and I can lock and unlock my own doors.

After breakfast we were going to start the power walk with the lead instructor in the front and myself on the side when the coach called the lead instructor, the 2nd in command, and myself over to him. He wanted to discuss something with the 3 of us. At first I was surprised to be included in the discussion with the coach because he normally only talks to the lead instructor and the 2nd in command but not any other instructor. The only other time when we are all included is for the post class meeting. Yes, I was surprised but in the same token honored to be part of the discussion because after all my instructor duties may end when the PFT class ends. In the same vane I was somewhat concerned that the 2 other senior instructors may think I am stepping on their toes. I kept my mouth shut as the coach spoke to us and let the other 2 instructors do most of the talking. I only answered when the coach asked me a direct question.

The meeting was about plans the coach has for an Instructional Exercise Video for all inmates in the California Prison System. His plans sound very appealing and again I was slightly perplexed why I was included because I should be long gone to fire camp when these plans are implemented. If I were staying here I would be extremely interested in these plans because it is going to be a very good project. I offered my input when asked and the meeting ended.

Once again the coach wanted to speak with the 3 of us again after the post class meeting. This was a separate issue relating to ideas the coach had for the PFT class and instructors. The coach really wanted our input at this meeting. I held back all I could but added my opinion more so than the 2 other instructors. I don’t believe I stepped on anyone’s toes but who really knows. The lead instructor did make a comment to me about my “management skills” and how he liked how I utilized them during this meeting. I have somewhat of an idea as to why the coach included me both of these meetings but I don’t want to come across as arrogant. I guess he does like me and the fact that I can hold a conversation without having to say “you know what I mean” in every sentence worked to my advantage. I believe the coach included me because of my maturity level and professionalism. I hope this doesn’t sound too conceited. I do hope his plans come to fruition and I wish him well.

The coach spoke to us for 20 minutes and I felt like a viable member of the team and I am hoping the coach will be able to keep me around until I get transferred to fire camp. I would much rather prefer staying as an instructor while I stay here. I do have a fear of being placed into a job while I wait for my transfer and most jobs here are not exactly productive as the one I currently maintain. Hopefully, I can talk the coach into having me stay as an instructor because I certainly enjoy what I am doing and the time is passing quickly.