Best Intentions

Everything was complete for the morning and I intended to run a few miles after the PFT class. However, I was interrupted – or intercepted, I can’t quite figure out which one – prior to my first lap by a fellow inmate. He asked me if I would like to purchase some stamps for soups. I certainly don’t need any stamps, but I know the inmate has very little of anything and he was looking for some food. I decided to purchase (if you will the stamps for soups and he was very grateful). I have done this in the past for another inmate where I purchased some Advil even though I really didn’t need it. There is a big discrepancy with the inmate population because many of them don’t have anything so they “hustle” for food. I am somewhat selective with my so called generosity because there are more inmates without anything than with something and it would be impossible to help everyone out. I do only trade with those I know and believe aren’t trying to pull something over on me. Last week while I was walking to go back inside the dorm for lunch, an inmate whom I have never seen before approached me and tied to sell – trade – me a poem. Along with trying to sell the poem he told me a very long sad story about his plight. Which may well be true but sounded a little too rehearsed. In fact, I believe I have heard this tale before a few years ago when I was getting gas at a gas station and a total stranger approached me and asked for money to get home. Just like a few years ago, I told this inmate I didn’t have anything extra I could spare and he moved on to someone else. I try to keep my benevolence on the quiet side because I don’t want the word to get out because I will start to hear all kinds of sob stories. I am very fortunate because I have received two packages and have gone to the ‘store’. My locker is still full of food and when I go back to the ‘store’ this month I will spend much less than the $140.00 I spent last month. I have given some soups away to a few inmates but I can’t treat everyone. Sometimes I do feel badly when I say no, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

There is a particular dorm mate who is always asking me for something. The fact that he asked me in the first place had surprised me because he is of a different race. I have found out that there are rules that don’t apply to dorm living. This means what happens in the dorm stays in the dorm which is fine by me. I like this much better and it appears to work. This particular dorm mate has asked me for various things like coffee – which was an easy “no” because I don’t have any. Then it went to soups which I don’t mind parting with a few here and there. After that it went to razors which was a resounding “no”. They are very special to me and are also very expensive so I will not part with them as a give away. I most certainly told him “no” and for some reason I didn’t feel so bad. I actually felt kind of invigorated because I don’t need to please everyone. Finally, after the razors was the question of having something sweet to eat. The sweet items I have are oatmeal cookies and I decided to draw the line and just tell him no or he will keep coming back. This strategy appears to have worked because it has now been over a week and he hasn’t asked for anything.

I did help this dorm mate with a letter to a very important federal agency. It was very interesting because he showed me the letter and I made at least 12 corrections. After the corrections and prior to him changing it, he said to me. “The letter was pretty good, wasn’t it?”
I didn’t have the heart to tell him the letter was terrible so I said, “Yes, it was fine.” I am not positive what it is but many inmates including this one are always looking for affirmation. Maybe they have lacked positive reinforcement for so long they do crave it. This also maybe why just about all the inmates say, “You know what I mean?” constantly while they speak. This phrase still somewhat annoys me because I know one day I might slip and say, “No, I have no idea what you’re talking about because I don’t want to live my life that way.” Hopefully, I can bite my tongue for the next year or so because I am sure I would only get myself into trouble if I did say this.

Getting back to my intentions of running – as I was speaking with the inmate who was selling me soups, my friend started to talk to me. At this point there were only 45 minutes or so before the yard closed so I gave up trying to run and went with my friend towards the telephone. He had a telephone scheduled and he told me I could have the rest of his phone time if he could not get through. I thanked him and walked with him. While waiting I decided to sign up for a Friday morning telephone call instead of Friday night. My friend placed his call but could not get through so he gave me his phone time. I thought this might be the perfect time to call my dear friend whom I haven’t spoken to in almost 6 months. The call went to voice mail as I thought might happen since he is an extremely busy person and it was 11:00 am on a Wednesday. Oh, well hopefully I will be able to speak with him soon.

It was finally time to go to the dorm for lunch. Once again I was able to complete a bulk of my laundry which saves me time later. After completing the laundry I waited for the yard to open which never happened because one of dorms in the lower tier was being searched. I waited an hour before it was official in my eyes that there wouldn’t be a PFT class. I was looking forward to class because I wanted to get more exercise in. I started my afternoon hygiene ritual early and decided to indulge for lunch since there would be no protein drinks due to the yard being closed. I had soup and a tuna fish sandwich. Once lunch was finished I embarked on what I usually do which is to write. I was able to complete this blog and a letter to my wife. I try to send the blog out every Wednesday and Sunday. This extra time allowed me to compose everything prior to dinnertime. Normally I am writing when it is time to leave for the dining hall but I finished about an hour prior to dinner. I didn’t know what to do with myself for this hour and didn’t want to start anymore writing and I wasn’t in the mood to start a book as of yet. I walked over to the television area but it was Spanish TV time and I quickly exited. I lay down in my bunk and listened to news radio.

As I was listening to the news, a report regarding prisoners who have been released came on. Coincidence? Maybe or maybe not, but spooky nonetheless. Apparently a comprehensive study was conducted by a University on convicts who have been released from prisons all over the country. The study was fairly startling because when prisoners are released they have a very high rate of death within the first 2 weeks. The number one cause of death was drugs with over 70% attributed to drug overdoses. The second leading cause of death was heart failure followed by murder. The study went on to say many ex-convicts find it very difficult to assimilate to the free world and return to their drug use. I did think about this statement and can say from my point of view there is a great deal of truth to that statement. Like it or not prison life is very structured and regimented. Prison life is not nearly as structured as Military life but similarities do exist. I would like to see a similar study done on ex-military personnel and their causes of death – the results would be fascinating. Prisoners go from the structure of prison life to the chaos of life on the outside. I for one look forward to this chaos because I have the necessary tools to survive especially now that I am in recovery. However, there are many inmates who have no idea how to function on the outside and do return to their old ways of doing drugs.

I believe the problem is two fold – prison – especially here in California – is basically punitive. Yes, it should be punitive because it is punishment for committing a crime. However, there should be programs available to assist inmates in living in normal life free of addiction. Currently there are very limited programs available and I would be interested in seeing which states have the lowest recidivism rates and how they accomplish this. Two – there are some inmates who don’t want help and unfortunately all the programs in the world won’t help but no matter the fact that we live in the USA -there would be more emphasis on rehabilitation instead of sheer punishment. The timing of the report was very odd because as soon as I turned on the radio, the reporter started speaking about this – very strange indeed.

I went back to the dorm to wait for the evening yard to open. However, it never did because one of the inmates in the 300 man gym didn’t like what the President said when he talked about deploying more troops to Iraq. He took it upon himself to yank both televisions mounted from the ceiling about 8 feet high and destroyed both! Many of these inmates in the gym are on medication and the CO’s had to restrain the inmate and this closed the yard. The only time I go into the gym is when I go to the coach’s office. Each time I go in it reminds of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and I can’t get out of there fast enough. With this event occurring in the gym, I remained inside for the duration of the evening.