Happy 9th Birthday, Daughter

My darling daughter turns 9 years old today at 4:55 pm Pacific Time. Unlike my son who couldn’t wait to enter this world my daughter took her time. My wife and I entered the hospital 9 years ago in Las Vegas a full 24 hours prior to my daughter’s arrival. I will never forget that 24 hour period as long as I live. I remember it as if it were yesterday. My wife was minutes away from having a C section delivery because my daughter didn’t want to join this word. (Maybe she knew something?) Somehow my wife went from being semi-dilated to fully dilated in 30 minutes and the C section was not necessary. My daughter came into this world weighing 6 pounds 8 ounces and was 19 inches long – she was perfect. I can still see her big blue beautiful eyes as she was only seconds old staring at me as the doctor passed her to my wife. It was a truly amazing day and at that moment when she stared at me I instantly knew the meaning of unconditional love. Of course my daughter is a special child to me and I love her beyond words. Here it is 9 years later and I am sitting in a California prison some 3000 miles away from her. I will not be able to celebrate her birthday with her this year but I know I am with her every step of the way in spirit. Obviously this is not how I planned my life but there is nothing I can do to change the events which brought me to this place thus separating me from my family. I can only work my recovery and know when I am released from prison next year I will have a lifetime of birthdays to celebrate with not only my daughter but also my entire family.

As I write this I am hoping to have the opportunity to speak to my daughter this afternoon. A few weeks ago, she asked me if I would be able to call her on her birthday. Unfortunately, I couldn’t promise her because there are so many events out of my control which would prevent me from placing that call. I have my fingers crossed that all will go well this afternoon.

My daughter is a sensitive soul and unlike my son she is not exactly easy going. She is a great child but she has her moments especially with her mother. This has provided the biggest challenge for my wife since my departure 7 months ago. Thankfully, my daughter has been very involved since they all moved to New Jersey and things are working out well. There are times, however, when she gives a great deal of grief to my wife. I know she is doing her best and will be fine over the next year. With some good fortune, I hope to be able to celebrate my daughter’s 10th birthday with her next year which is very realistic. The time will pass and we will all be together as a family very soon. I am sure my daughter is having a very special day today and I wish her a very Happy 9th Birthday!

Yesterday afternoon after taking a hot shower, I had the entire afternoon to myself. I was feeling a bit lazy and was given 3 days worth of newspapers from where I used to live in Southern California. It looks like the housing market has finally stalled in this area because I didn’t notice any price increases. The housing prices are ridiculously high and I do wonder if I will ever own my own home again whether it be Jersey or California. As long as I stay focused in my recovery there is a chance that this will happen and I will own my own home.
My dorm mates were trying to convince me to watch the Pro-Bowl game which I had no desire to watch. I thought back to my compulsive gambling days and how I justified I wasn’t “that bad” because I would never bet on the Pro-Bowl. One of the million justifications I had in my mind was I am not a total degenerate that I will bet on meaningless football all-star games. But I would bet on 35 meaningless college basketball games that same day! My mind was so full of crap while I was gambling out of control I could justify anything, it was so sad. I didn’t how sad it was until I entered recovery almost 2 years ago. Now slowly but surely the “crap” is leaving my brain and now it is filling with goodness and honesty. This is truly a blessing and I am so happy to have removed myself from the insanity and have a Program so I can retain my sanity.

I passed on watching the football game and went back to my bunk for the daily writing ritual. There are some days when I feel I have nothing to say but when I am done writing I realized I said nothing in 8 pages! The writing is my therapy and keeps me sane in a place like this. It has become just like brushing my teeth and it is something I want to do each day. Also, it provides me with a very effective way to pass the time.

Once out in the yard, I waited in the pill-call line for 45 minutes for my protein drinks. I try to tune out whatever anyone is saying. I am not rude and when someone speaks to me I am always cordial. I would just rather be in my own little world not hearing the words around me. I do find myself being very critical of other inmates as I hear what they are saying and seeing what I consider the very inappropriate tattoos they have on their bodies. I certainly wish there was an easier way to get the protein drinks but there is not. I know I am doing time but a great deal of time is wasted standing in these absurdly long lines. I finally reached the front, consumed the 2 drinks and was on my way.

I met up with my friend and we walked for the next 45 minutes. He was very funny because he was feeling a little sore from our earlier workout session. He told me he had difficulty putting on his underarm deodorant because he couldn’t lift his arms from all the push-ups he did earlier. I found this funny and so did he. He once again thanked me for helping him exercise and again told me I was a good influence on him. As we walked we met up with another older inmate who had just passed the PFT class. He also thanked me for helping them as they were able to pass the class. It was good to get some positive feedback and I have been very fortunate to receive this feedback. This helps to offset the negative which to me is being separated from my family. I continue to be blessed on this journey and in spite of the negative surroundings, I am protected by so many positive influences. I am a better person for it.

I would like to close with wishing my darling daughter a very Happy 9th Birthday! Happy Birthday, Sweetie! I love you and miss you very much!!!