Telephones!

Is it better to have hope or is it better to be realistic? I prefer to have a little bit of both because if I only had hope what would I truly have. By the same token if I only had realism this can be truly overwhelming at times. Yesterday as I had mentioned that it was my daughter’s 9th birthday, I was hoping to be able to speak with her and had secured a mid-afternoon telephone sign up slot. The day was very promising because the earlier rain had subsided and it was only partly cloudy. This meant I could finally go on a long run prior to the telephone call to my daughter. I purposely scheduled the call near the end of yard for two reasons. One – to ensure my wife and children would be home when I called and two – I had plenty of time to get my run in well before the telephone call.

I embarked on what would be a 14 mile run. On my very first lap I ran by the telephones and I saw one of my dorm mates. He called over to me as I ran past. He said, “The telephone sign up list was lost so they are doing it on a first come first serve basis.” At first I thought he was joking and continued to run by but I noticed his eyes did not reflect any humor so I stopped and went over to him. My initial response to him was “You’re joking?” and he said, “No, I wish I was.” At this point there were about 150 inmates crowded around the telephones and I was at a loss at what to do next. I saw my friend as he was standing near my dorm mate and I asked him what was going on. He did confirm that the telephone sign up list was indeed lost just like on Christmas Day. (If I didn’t know any better I would think this is all a grand conspiracy against me but that simply is not the case.) However; unlike Christmas Day when the C/O implemented an “open-line” (all the inmates get in a line and sign up on a new sign up sheet for the telephone calls) process it was just a free for all. I was fully prepared to wait in line all afternoon and forego my run in order to call my daughter. This was not necessary as the telephones were turned off a few minutes later and no one could place a telephone call.

My friend who works in the yard office as a clerk during the week told me to go about my run and he would see what he could so. I started my run and could only shrug my shoulders and say to myself, “What can go wrong has gone wrong once again with those damn telephones!” I still had hope as I started my run because it was still early in the afternoon. As I ran I kept my eyes on the telephones and kept looking for my friend. The telephones were still turned off and I ran by my friend a few times who told me he was working on it and said, “It is not looking very good.”

I finished my run and saw one of the other Instructors and mentioned to him about the telephones. He was fully aware of the telephone issue and told me I should talk with the Sergeant on duty and tell him that I need to call my daughter because it is her birthday. He also said that I should mention that I am an Instructor which sometimes helps. I took his advice and headed to the C/O office to speak with the Sergeant. As it turns out the Sergeant on duty was the same Sergeant who assisted my mother when she sent me the replacement running shoes a few months ago. He was very helpful to my mother and when I thanked him it was the one and only time I met him. However; I was very encouraged because he is a very nice person. I approached him and told him the situation. He listened but deferred to the C/O in charge of the telephones and told me to ask that C/O. I thanked him and proceeded to seek out that C/O. Much to my surprise it was the same C/O who is in the dining hall 5 nights a week and is very kind to me as she knows about my vegetarian tray. I commonly refer to her as the “very nice C/O”. I told her the situation and she was almost apologetic as she said “I’m sorry but no one is getting a telephone call today, no exceptions.” Upon hearing this I didn’t push the issue and said, “thank you” as I walked out of the office very dejected.

This whole ordeal with the telephone is not a surprise nor should I be surprised. However, disappointment and frustration certainly are an accurate description as to how I was feeling. I wonder if it was indeed better when I couldn’t place a telephone call when I was at the reception center for 10 weeks. At least there I know I couldn’t use the telephone, whereas here I am always hoping the other shoe does not drop so I could place the telephone call. This is another part of my punishment for my misdeeds. My God if I can’t learn from this experience I will never learn and I am doomed to a horrible life. Thanks to my recovery I can chalk up the events of yesterday to those that I cannot change and I accept. I certainly don’t like it. I am certainly frustrated, disappointed, and pray my daughter understands; however; I cannot dwell on this because I cannot control any of this. I can only control myself which is why I am grateful each and everyday for my recovery. Without my recovery I would have pounded my head through a wall by now but through my recovery my head stays clear in more ways than one.

I was constantly thinking of my daughter and how she asked me to call her on her birthday. Fortunately I didn’t promise her because there was always the very real possibility that I wouldn’t be able to call and this is what happened. Now the next time I could call is Tuesday afternoon in order to speak with my daughter (I also need to speak with my son because I haven’t even spoken with him since he turned 6 last Thursday) when she is home from school. Today she is in school and tonight she will be asleep. To complicate matters I still haven’t received the birthday cards for my son and daughter that my wife sent to me two weeks ago. At least I can apologize to them for not calling and write a very nice note inside the card. I had no idea simple things such as placing a telephone call could be so complicated.

At 3:30 pm yesterday afternoon instead of speaking with my daughter I was laundering my very sweaty clothes. I was certainly thinking about my daughter at this time and throughout the day. I know this situation is only temporary and I will be back with my family in a very short time. What is so hard is I am a very good father. My compulsive gambling may have presented me from being totally mentally connected with my family but I was always physically present which meant the world to me. My family does mean the world to me and I am so very sorry to have put them through this ordeal. They did nothing to deserve what has happened to them over the past 7 months. I love them dearly and know our lives together will be extra special forever; I will never take them for granted.
At 10:00 pm I decided to call it a night and before I went to sleep I looked at the picture of my family that I have over my bunk and wished my daughter a very Happy Birthday and gave each of them a kiss. Wow, another special day in the life of my family and I was unable to speak with them; oh well – stuff happens. Sad to say I can actually deal with these events with a smile on my face because it sure beats the alternative. In a very short period of time this will all be a distant memory and I will be back with my family. To say I have learned and continue to learn my lesson is an understatement, however; my recovery keeps me in the here and now which will afford me a wonderful future. Without the recovery there are no lessons, but with it despite the challenges life continues to get better.

The morning yard opened and out I went. I embarked on my exercise routine and decided to only run a mile in order to get the lactic acid out of my legs. I checked in for the telephone call as is required and amazingly the telephone list was not lost today. I was able to call my wife and unfortunately at this time my daughter and son were in school so I could not speak with them. My wife was extremely understanding as to me not calling yesterday (she has become accustomed to the telephone dilemma). My wife told me my daughter had a very good birthday weekend and she was fine when I didn’t call. I am sure I was more devastated than she was. Everything went well over the weekend and it was a joyous celebration. My family is in a very special place surrounded by so much love and I am very grateful.

The telephone call ended rather abruptly as the telephones were cut-off about 3 minutes early. At least I got to speak with my wife which does beat not speaking with her. I have been told the telephone procedure at fire camp is much more reliable so hopefully I will be transferred sooner as opposed to later. Even though the call ended abruptly it was great to hear my wife’s voice and hopefully sometime this week I will be able to speak with my children. Today was a much better day than yesterday.