No Coincidences

Are there no coincidences in life or are there? I am inclined to say “yes”; however, fate is not fickle, it is fascinating. On my wife’s birthday, this past December, I was given medical clearance by the doctor in order for me to be eligible for fire camp. Yesterday, on my son’s birthday, I passed the PFT class and am one step closer to getting to fire camp. Is it a coincidence that these events took place on very special days for my family? Perhaps, but I like to look at it as someone or something is guiding me through this journey. I do believe that most everything in life happens for a reason and even though I am currently detached from my family, everything is going to be great. I made a very huge mistake and am now paying the consequences. I am using this wisely and I maintain a positive attitude. Yes, it may be a coincidence these events happened on special days but it is a GREAT coincidence!

I tried so hard to call my son yesterday to talk with him on his birthday but it was one obstacle after another. When I asked the day shift CO if I could make an unscheduled phone call, he told me to wait until the swing shift came on at 2:00 pm. Right before I was making my way to ask the CO, I noticed an inmate coming out of one of the dorms covered in blood. As soon as I saw this, I thought this is not good. I knew this was going to cause a delay or prohibit me from making the phone call because the next thing I knew 5 other CO’s were entering this dorm and escorting 5 inmates out with handcuffs. Obviously, at this point I couldn’t ask the CO to make an unscheduled call. I had to wait until things settled down. After about 30 minutes, an ambulance entered the yard at the far end. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. Surprisingly the yard was not recalled when the ambulance entered and I watched as the paramedics wheeled an inmate out of a dorm (not mine) and into the ambulance. It turned out – totally unrelated to the incident – an inmate had a heart attack and required immediate attention.

These two events sound very bad and they most certainly are not good. However, they do happen and are a reality of my current situation. In fact, bad things happen all the time but so far I still feel safe. I am well aware of my surroundings and I will not let my guard down at all. By the same token, I won’t be scared into paranoia like I did when I was in the County Jail. I am doing my best to stay safe and be strong. With all the activity on the yard, I realized my chances of making a phone call were fading rather rapidly. I did my best and I sure hope my son understands. These outside events certainly play havoc with my plans. I must remember it was ME who put me in this place and I will do everything in my power to ensure I NEVER have to go through this situation again. I must admit my level of acceptance has grown immensely in the last 7 months.

I was somewhat distressed that I couldn’t place the telephone call so I started writing. Thank God I have the ability to write because without it I would go insane. There is only one person I really speak with – my friend – but I do more listening than talking. Thankfully, I can put my thoughts down on paper because otherwise I have no other outlet.

Yesterday was a good “prison day” but a bad family day. I was able to pass the test and in the process I was able to help 4 other inmates pass as well. I got tremendous self-satisfaction when each of these inmates personally thanked me for helping them get through the test. On the other hand I could not speak with my son on his birthday. Much like Christmas Day, where I could not speak with my wife (not for lack of trying) and children. My expectations were high going into yesterday, but I knew there are so many events which seem to prohibit me making the telephone call so I am not depressed. Not being able to speak with my son is part of the punishment and I will try to use this in a positive manner.

Upon returning to the yard from dinner, I waited for the opening of the evening yard. As the unlock came, the CO told me the telephone call was not going to happen. This was not a surprise as I discounted the notion of the call a few hours earlier. Now that the yard was open, we walked until the 8:45 pm telephone call. My friend secured this time and was kind enough to give it to me. I knew the hour was late but called my wife anyway. I woke her up out of a sound sleep and to make matters worse the connection of the call was not very good as she couldn’t hear me very well. I may have been better off not calling, but she did give me a very good report about my son’s birthday dinner with his two grandmothers. My wife also told me my daughter was once again giving her a hard time and she had to read her the riot act earlier in the day. I know the conflict with my wife is causing her great anxiety and I sure do wish there is something I can do. Other than speaking with my daughter and writing her a letter there is nothing I can do. It appears the next year while I am away is going to be a very long time for my wife as she deals with my daughter’s tumultuous mood swings. She is a good kid but she has been at odds with my wife for a long time prior to my departure. The problem – now that I am away – there is no buffer between the two of them which makes for conflict. My wife will be able to handle this and she is a wonderful mother but once I get back and my daughter reaches her teen years, it is only going to get more interesting between the both of them.

As I was talking to my wife, she told me my son asked if I was going to send him a present. My wife explained that I cannot do that but he should be receiving a birthday card from me shortly. I just thought of this now and don’t know why I didn’t think of it earlier - my wife could have purchased something small for both my son and daughter and she could have mailed it with my name on it. I think they would have enjoyed receiving the present from me. Oh well, if I am still away next year, I will have to remember this. Love is spelled T I M E and I am missing so much of it but I am doing everything in my power to ensure we are together as a family for a lifetime as I work my recovery everyday. Hopefully, my wife was able to fall back to sleep without a problem.