Two Years Since My Last Wager

I am going to make a slight departure from the regular prison life for two reasons: One – I need to get this in the mail tonight and I have little time (which is actually a good thing) this evening due to the FTP class and evening yard. The second reason is today marks the 2 year anniversary of my last bet and I need to acknowledge this. There is a third reason which is to give my dear wife a break from typing the long blogs.

First I just need to report that I did survive the cut in the FTP class and barring any unforeseen circumstances, I will complete the class next Wednesday, March 7th!

It seems unimaginable how fast the last two years have gone since my last wager. It does seem like yesterday that I was placing those last 2 bets. I would love to say I stopped betting because I wanted to but that would be untrue. I stopped because I had to and my world was collapsing all around me. Those two wagers were so insignificant when I made them, yet they are now very significant in my life because it marks the end of the madness and insanity. Of course, I lost those two bets but that would provide to be a positive because if I had won I would have continued to bet until I lost it all. Thankfully, I lost it all in that one night two years ago. So much has happened in these past two years – not withstanding my current situation. Most of what has happened has been a direct result of my compulsive gambling addiction. Yes, I lost my job, money, house and car but amazingly, I didn’t lose my family and even more amazing, I regained my sanity.

I continue to regain my sanity through recovery which has given me my life back and subsequently has given me my family back. When I was gambling and stealing, I was slowly losing my family and now even though we are separated by a continent and prison walls, I am closer to them than I have ever been. I am closer because the lying, cheating, and stealing have stopped and now my mind is clear for the very first time since I have found recovery. Two years ago my world was swirling and I was thinking of ways to “escape” my situation. When I mention “escape”, I don’t mean run away or something worse, I mean I was trying to connive my way out of the situation. It wasn’t until the next day (after placing my last wager) that I realized I could no longer live this way and had to tell the truth. My brain was searching for ways to get out of that situation and thankfully I was not allowed to escape. I shudder to think what would have happened if I were allowed to escape. I know I wouldn’t have discovered the wonderful world of recovery and would still be living in a fantasy world.

I lived in this fantasy world all my adult life and when I discovered the “beginning of the end” at the place of my former employer, this fantasy world was magnified tremendously. Fortunately, this world came crashing down on me two years ago and now I am still paying for these consequences as I sit behind these prison walls, but my life is better now than it has ever been. Thankfully, five days after my last wager, I found the GA Program and the incredible people who are part of this great organization. I have been reaping the benefits ever since. It took me over 20 years to find the doors of GA and it is one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life and it has saved my own life as I practice the principles one day at a time. Two years ago I had no idea what was going to happen in my future and I still don’t know what will happen but I do know as long as I stay in recovery, my future will be full. The last two years has given me an incredible foundation of recovery to build on. In less than one year, my prison term will come to an end and my life will continue to reap the rewards of recovery. I realize I am capable of great things – with recovery - and I also realize I am capable of bad things – without recovery. I have done many of these bad things and my life became unmanageable. Once I utter the words, “I am a compulsive gambler” and realized I am powerless to gambling, my life changed for the better.

Two years have gone by in a blink of an eye and time continues to tick on. I am missing a significant part of my family’s lives; however, had I not found recovery I would have missed their entire lives as well as my own. The consequences of my actions have been severe, but not dire. My life has many twists and turns but through these past two years, the turns have been more than positive. Each day is a blessing and I am blessed with an incredible family and friends. I will continue to be in recovery and my 3rd anniversary will be beyond these prison walls.