Here Comes More Waiting

I may have made a mistake. After spending almost 24 hours thinking about the protein drink issue I just couldn’t let it go. I realize that receiving these drinks has been a hassle from inception. Also, the numerous times I have waited in the very long pill line only to find out the protein drinks were out of stock. It seems everything surrounding these drinks has been a dramatic event. I most likely added to this drama because yesterday I wrote a very short polite memo to the doctor informing him that I am no longer receiving the drinks. Maybe I should have just forgotten about them and moved on, but I could not based on the principle. This principle is a belief that I should be treated like a human being not a member of a sub species. The MTA/CO who took it upon himself to stop these drinks for myself and the other Instructor appears to have overstepped his boundaries. I also realize I don’t have much recourse in these actions but I felt it necessary to do something. The “something” was a short memo to the doctor and hopefully I have not unearthed the proverbial “can of worms”. I won’t know anything until next week because typically it takes one week for the medical staff to get back to me. The last thing I want to do is make waves but something was gnawing at me to do something. Hopefully, the mistake won’t come back to haunt me.

There are so many possible scenarios running through my mind and I do hope my memo turns out to be much to do about nothing. I broke the law and I do deserve to be in a place like this, but that doesn’t mean I am any less human. I am fallible and I am paying for my mistakes and will be paying for these mistakes for a very long time. The monetary issue of my mistakes is very prevalent as is the loss of time from my family. I was insane when I did what I did but that does not excuse the behavior - it only explains the behavior. I have found sanity through my recovery but it doesn’t mean I won’t make mistakes. Writing the memo to the doctor could have been a mistake but I couldn’t look the other way. One of my character defects is I need to be liked and by doing this I neglect real emotions. I wanted to step outside my need to be liked because I felt I was placed in an unfair situation when the protein drinks were taken away. I did something which is very unusual for me and I won’t look back in regret. Whatever is going to happen will happen and I will keep moving forward.

Yesterday I walked around in my “Oranges” to try to break in my hiking boots. The goal of most inmates in this facility is to get to a fire camp. According to all the reports I have heard, fire camp is a world of difference from prison because there are no longer gates around the inmate. We’re free to roam the hillsides and valleys of California fighting fires and cutting brush. It is the best way to do time inside the prison system.

In the afternoon I was able to sign up for an afternoon telephone call to my father for his birthday. Also on Saturday there is a possibility that I may receive a visit from two of my dear friends who are coming a long way to visit. Once again the GA program displays its greatness because without the program in my life I would not have received any visits at all. I also would be truly living in an insane world. The benefits of the GA program are incredible and I am blessed to be part of it.

If everything works out once I finish the FTP, I will come back as an instructor until my transfer. I have heard some horror stories about inmates who have completed their training and have had to wait up to 4 months until being transferred to fire camp. Once again racism plays an integral part of the transfers to fire camp. They try to stay racially balanced and for some races it is taking a long time to reach fire camp. I am hoping I have built up enough of a rapport with the coach that he can use his influence to expedite my transfer. In the meantime, I have 8 days to get through the FTP class and once
I pass I will concern myself with the next step in the process.

As I got back to the dorm after dinner, I had the entire evening to finish THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS. All of my writing was completed and I did finish the book last night. All I can say is “WOW”! I can’t wait to see the movie because the book was excellent. I had tears in my eyes as I read the next to the last page and did everything I could not to start bawling. Crying in a place like this is not exactly an acceptable practice. I had to put the book down and compose myself before finishing the last page. This was truly an inspirational story and it reaffirmed by belief that life is so special and anything can happen – both good and bad. I was so glad to have read this book.

When I fell asleep last night, I couldn’t help thinking about the book and the exceptional story. Yes, the author – Mr. Gardner – turned out to be rich monetary wise but he defined rich in another term which had nothing to do with money. I understood every word he wrote because my life is also rich beyond my wildest dreams. I certainly am not rich monetary wise and if someone could be beyond broke, I am that someone; however, I have richness in my life that surrounds me. It took a very horrible situation to realize this richness, but I am forever grateful for the riches in my life with the start of my family and incredible friends. I cannot wait to get out of this place so I can firmly embrace these riches on a daily basis.

This morning after a normal sleep of waking up only once during the night I got dressed in my “oranges” and went into the television area. One of my dorm mates proclaimed, “You look like the world’s skinniest pumpkin!” I laughed at the comment because I do resemble a lanky pumpkin. For the first time I am wearing a belt and practicing lacing my boots in the dark. In spite of looking like a pumpkin, I am very proud of this new attire and as was the case yesterday, I received a few “congratulations” in the dining hall as I ate breakfast.