Celebration Continues

Yes, today is another October celebration. Happy birthday to my niece Lisa who turns 15 today. It really seems like yesterday my wife, grandmother, mother and me were driving from New Jersey to Pennsylvania to greet little Lisa for the first time. She was a very special little girl and the first great grandchild, first grandchild, first daughter and first niece into our immediate family. She has grown into a fantastic young woman and who by the way throws a mean softball. I hope Lisa had a wonderful day, happy birthday!!

The term cognitive dissonance was brought up in yesterday's Gamblers Anonymous meeting. This is a fancy psychological term which means psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously or putting more simply doing something you know is wrong but cannot stop the behavior because of your beliefs. This describes my actions for a number of years. I knew what I was doing was wrong yet I continued to do it because I could not stop. Seeing this statement written it seems ludicrous because how can a seemingly intelligent sane person do something they know is wrong over and over again. The answer lies in the person's belief system or I should say my belief system.

Here is a further definition of cognitive dissonance; the theory of cognitive dissonance holds that contradicting cognitions serve as a driving force that compels the human mind to acquire or invent new thoughts or beliefs, or to modify existing beliefs, so as to minimize the amount of dissonance (conflict) between cognitions. The human mind is capable of many things and I know my mind would rationalize my behavior to the hilt. How could I continue to make wagers even though my thought processes knew it was wrong because I would rationalize the behavior and distance myself from myself. I think I wrote that last sentence correctly because I became a spectator of my own actions. This is no way diminishes my responsibility for these actions and I take full responsibilities for these actions.

I became ambivalent to myself. This is no way to go through life because life is meant to be lived. I am no longer ambivalent to myself and I am feeling true feelings. It may seem very strange reading these words but this is what was going on in my mind and what is currently going on in my mind. Through the Gamblers Anonymous Program I am regaining my emotions and no longer shut things off. It is a long road to recovery but I am on the road and will continue on this road one day at a time. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring and as long as I don't gamble today and truly feel my feelings things will continue to get better. I like the progress in the past 8 months and I like myself more today than I did eight months ago.