Listening and Hearing

When we receive bad news or any type of information we really don't want, we tend to want to shoot the messenger. Which means we really aren't listening because there is a difference to listening and hearing. With the exception of people who are deaf most everyone can hear to certain degrees, however; not everyone listens. Listening is an acquired discipline and to honestly listen to oneself (especially in my case) takes time to master. I can hear all the best advice but if I am not listening, it won't do me any good. I can hear myself think but if I don't honestly listen nothing matters. In my recovery the ability to honestly listen to everyone including myself is paramount for my development and growth.

For years I was just a messenger to myself and I forgot what the message was. My thought process was so clouded by my inability to "control" my gambling. The fallacy of "control" in gambling ruled my adult life. It is just that a fallacy, I cannot and I will not believe I can control my gambling. I tried and failed miserably and it would be detrimental to my well being if this thought process rears its ugly head. This is why I must constantly listen to myself and the wisdom of others who have walked in my shoes.

Through this wisdom I am finding myself and my true sense of purpose. Gambling is only a symptom of the problem. My problem was one of arrogance and entitlement. I was arrogant enough to think I could do the things I did because I was entitled. I was not entitled to do those things and yes, I do realize this and yes, it is not too late. My life has been complicated by my actions but it is by no means over. I would like to call it a re-birth but this may seem a bit radical so I will term it an awakening. I have awoke from 20 year slumber to truly find myself in an open and honest manner by listening and not just hearing.

Today we went to a Bible Study Church with some very dear friends. I know my wife and I are having a difficult time resolving our differences in religion. The differences are not at all that different. We believe we should raise our children with some type of religious/spiritual background. My wife comes from a very traditional Catholic background and she is very comfortable in this surrounding. I on the other hand would like something more than the Catholic Church appears to be offering and I would like my children to learn about God and Jesus in a little less traditional role. Because it is less traditional doesn't make it wrong or right for that matter, to me it is the spiritual foundation that will be instilled in our children.

Bible Study is very new to my wife and me but I do like how you (I) actually think during the service. In the Catholic Church you know what comes next and this makes people very comfortable but in the Bible Study Church there is a lot more thinking involved. The analogy I would use and some may think it is a bit harsh but I will use it anyway; in the Catholic Church the Priest talks at you and in the Bible Study Church the Pastor speaks with you. Again this is my own opinion and I am sure many of you will have different opinions. I know one thing my wife and I must be on the same page in our religious/spiritual beliefs because the children are the ones who matter. I believe we both have the best interest of the children in mind and we are exposing them to a spiritual/religious program. We do need to make a choice so we can be consistent in this spiritual program.

May God bless my wife because without her support I wouldn't be where I am today and I love her more than anything in the world. She loves our children so much as do I so making this decision regarding the religious upbringing of our two children will be difficult but it will be done for all the right reasons. I do believe in a Higher Power (God) and I have had a hard time with this concept in years past but by honestly listening to myself I have come to terms with some of my old thought patterns. These old thought patterns have brought nothing but pain and suffering to myself and my family this is why I am making a concentrated effort to get in touch with my Higher Power (God). I would like to introduce these new thoughts and beliefs to my children to hopefully enrich their lives.

Life is not easy and sometimes the things I have done makes it more complicated but with proper tools and guidance life will get back on track and this track will be one of purpose. This purpose has so much more meaning than it would have had over seven months ago. Life is not about money, gambling, material possessions it is about building a solid foundation for my family which includes me. In this solid foundation will come a purpose and this purpose will be instilled one day at a time.