Oh Well

After two months of inactivity on my court case I really thought today was the day where something would happen. It didn't happen and I should expect this by now. My biggest fear is someday something will actually happen and I won't know what to do. I'm sure this day is coming but I don't know when and really it is one day at a time because there is no other choice for me. I caused this mess and I am certainly suffering the consequences even though the consequences haven't "officially" started. Some day all of this will be in the past and I will be a better person for it; in fact I am already a better person for it and I intend to get better as each day passes.

Some may say I am getting what I deserve and they would be right. When you do something wrong you should be punished and I am certainly being punished. Life will continue no matter how I approach my situation but I choose to live life not crawl back into a whole and die. Yes, what I did was very wrong and I am doing everything in my power to move forward in the proper direction. If someone out there knows of anything else I can do please let me know. I have been to a psychologist, I am actively involved with Gamblers Anonymous, I am assisting with an on-line compulsive gambling help group, I have met so many inspirational people who have showed me my life isn't over because they are living proof life does exist without gambling, I am trying to share my story with anyone who would listen to hopefully help one person seek help. No one should put themselves or their family through my situation and by looking at themselves openly and honestly they won't have to. I have apologized for my actions and will continue to do so the rest of my life. I am not a bad person I did a bad thing but this does not define me. I have done more good in my life than bad and I intend to continue this good throughout the rest of my life.

I guess I am rambling tonight but there is so much inside of me which needs to be brought out. I would like this situation to be over and whatever time I have to serve I will serve it because what I did was wrong and should be punished. I do feel like I am in the punishment phase and this is NOT to say woe is me because self-pity won't do me any good. I have a great deal of remorse and would like to show those who I harmed there was no intention to harm it really was my insatiable desire to make the next wager. Would this do me any good probably not but I don't blame anyone but myself and again I apologize for those actions.

I really hope this doesn't sound like self-pity because this is not my intention. My intention is to get out as much emotion I have inside before imploding. I go back to court in a few weeks and maybe something will happen or maybe it won't but I do know all of those days in between will be taken one at a time. Yes, I made this difficult situation but I thank God that faithful day happen over seven months ago and made me realize how much I didn't know who I really was and now I am learning that there really is more to life than gambling.