Another Marble Gone

I don’t have a dinner story to report because I didn’t go to the dining hall last night. The main entrée was the “filet of fish sandwich” and the sides did not contain rice or beans – they were scalloped potatoes and carrots. I guess I could have gone and asked for a vegetarian meal but that would have given me more potatoes and two tubes of peanut butter. I decided to stay back in the form and “cook” my own dinner. My food supplies are dwindling fast because I have not gone to the store as of yet because my money from the reception center has yet to make it here. It has been over 30 days since I first arrived here and I am very surprised my money hasn’t been transferred yet. There are other inmates from different reception centers across California and their monies were transferred within two weeks of their arrival. I have inquired of the inmates who were transferred with me on the same day over 30 days ago and none of them have received their money as well, so it just isn’t me. I was hoping to go to the store this week but due to the fact I have no money on account I will have to wait at least another week if not longer.

My food needs are very simple which consist of soup, rice, tuna, fish, tortillas, and beans.
It would have been nice to have a stock of these instead of relying on the kindness of others but now I have to ration my food accordingly. I still had a bag of rice leftover from last week so I made half the bag with the fresh carrots leftover from lunch along with a soup packet. It’s a good thing I don’t really concern myself with taste because my dinner had none. It was filling which is the main thing. Also, by staying back at the dorm for dinner I was able to enjoy 20 minutes of peace and quiet. I timed how long it takes when everyone leaves the dorm to when they return and it only took 20 minutes which include a 1/3 of a mile walk – it was remarkably fast! I stayed back with three other dorm mates who usually “cook” (boil that is) their own dinners each night. The dorm was so very quiet during this period, it was refreshing but when everyone returned the noise level rose precipitously. Please don’t get me wrong when I state this because for the most part my dorm is as quiet as 36 guys sharing a 450 square foot space can be and there are certainly other dorms that are much louder. As I write this, it is very quiet because everyone is still sleeping even though it is 9:15 in the morning. Our quiet time is between 11:00 pm and 11:00 am and after this time the music kicks off. I am receiving a lesson on certain types of music and it is only reaffirming my dislike as it plays over and over again. Nonetheless, having 20 minutes of solitude in the middle of the day was well worth it – oh the little things keep adding up.

Last night was another movie night which I failed again to act quick enough. I went in 10 minutes before the movie BRUCE ALMIGHTY with Jim Carey but all the seats were taken. So once again I returned to my bunk and listened to the radio. I am getting caught up in current and local news because I do concentrate on listening to the news radio broadcast. Also, I have recently been receiving a Time Magazine subscription which my wife so kindly sent to me. I received the first one last week and have actually read every article. I have never in my life read an entire magazine from cover to cover, but now I have. I haven’t received this week’s copy probably due to the Thanksgiving Holiday where I only received mail from Monday through Wednesday and nothing on Thursday and Friday. Presumably this copy should arrive on Monday.

I really didn’t do much of anything yesterday except exercise and write, yet I was still tired at my normal bedtime of 10:00 pm. I was able to fall asleep only to wake at 4:00 am for a few minutes before falling back to sleep. I woke up at 6:00 am but due to the fact that today is Saturday, I had no reason to get out of the bunk. The TV was set to a Spanish station, as it is every Saturday and Sunday. I seem to have gotten over my disdain – somewhat – of the Spanish programs because “it is what it is” and I won’t raise a fuss. The key word for me is temporary and I can get the news on the radio which is what I do. I still have strong feelings regarding English as being the primary language in the US, but I will keep my feelings to myself in here.

Yes, today is Saturday and another one of those marbles that come out of the jar. Unfortunately, due to my current situation I will lose many more marbles (pun intended!) but will make the best of it. Today will be like yesterday where I will write and exercise. One of my dorm mates was walking by my bunk while I was writing and he said to me,
“When I see you, you are doing one of two things – running and writing.” I guess I can’t hide my program from anyone because this is what I do. I guess I could save some time by combining the two, but my writing does resemble chicken scratch now and it would only get worse if I did it while running. I guess the point of all this is I need a program / routine to survive each day and I have found it. The weekends are the most difficult part of the week because there is much more down time - this weekend in particular because I have had downtime since Thursday. I certainly wouldn’t mind working 7 days straight but the coach may have difficulties with this concept!

This afternoon I will sign up for a telephone call as a back up to my phone call tomorrow. Today’s sign up is for Monday afternoon and I should have an opportunity to call after 2:30 pm – weather permitting – it’s supposed to rain on Monday. This brings up another element which again is completely out of my control. It doesn’t appear that it rains much in the area but when it does, I may not be able to walk or exercise. Sure, I am an obsessive-compulsive exerciser but even I am not crazy about running in the pouring rain and besides that the yard remains closed during inclement weather as a precaution. Hopefully, there won’t be too many of these types of days and I can get many more good days as opposed to bad.

I hate to keep harping on the point but on weekends like this I can’t help but to think about my wife and children. I also find myself thinking back to how consumed I was by my addiction. Each time I think back I smack myself in the head for being so ignorant but eventually I thank God for bringing me to recovery. Without it, I couldn’t possibly deal with my current situation at all. Recovery has not only saved my life it helps me everyday continue my life with a positive purpose. I can’t help but to look around at my fellow inmates and see how fortunate I am to embrace my recovery. The stories I have heard regarding drug addiction are frightening and those inmates keep returning to prison for the same reasons. Don’t they know any better would be a good question. The answer is quite certainly “yes” but they still revert to the old behavior is not easy as flipping a switch especially when it comes to addiction. I couldn’t change my behavior over a 20 year period and it lead me to prison. I pray each day that when I am released I can continue my new life with new positive behaviors in order to never have to come back here. The only way I can do this is by following a program of recovery and mine is the Gamblers Anonymous Program. It truly is a simple program; don’t gamble, go to meetings, practice the principles each and every day and recover. Yes, this is fairly simple yet I fought my addiction because I was arrogant and wanted to do it on my own. This mindset got me to a place like this. Now I have found a much better way and will practice these principles in my daily affairs. I have stated this previously but it bears repeating. I cannot attend GA meetings currently due to my incarceration and in my opinion there are no substitutes for meetings. However, through the incredible fellowship of GA I am being provided with surrogate meetings through all the letters I receive. I do feel like I am in those meetings down in Murietta and Temecula, also in Colorado, and NJ. I am constantly being updated on the meetings and the incredible fellowship. This helps to keep me in line. Before I was sentenced, I attended as many GA meetings as possible knowing I would be gone for a period of time. I immersed myself in the Program and it was one of the best decisions I have made. I look forward to many more years of being associated with the GA Program but I must be careful because the only way to get there is one day at a time. Today – actually – right now there is a fabulous GA meeting going on and even though I am not there physically my spirit is in that room with my fantastic friends. Also, my friends’ incredible spirits are with me as I make my journey through the CDC.

As I go back and re-read these passages, it certainly sounds as if I am sad and yes, I am but it won’t overcome me. I have so many emotions and right now the only way to get them out is with this pen and paper. This helps me so much and maybe a great deal of what I write my sound repetitive, but those are my emotions of the day. Somewhere down the line I will be able to let them out but for now, they will remain on this piece of paper.

I don’t know what the next 20 months will bring as my tour through the prison system continues. I do know that as long as I can maintain a positive attitude and work my recovery everything will be just fine. The most difficult part about prison is being separated from my family and the second most difficult part is the extreme amount of downtime. My first 30 days in the county jail was filled with this downtime and it went excruciatingly slow. In the downtime, I constantly think of my family and what I have done to them. As I moved through the system it has become less and less. This doesn’t mean I have stopped thinking about my family, it just means I have other things to do which occupy my mind. Over this weekend my mind is with my family as it is everyday, but it is more pronounced. I must remember that as long as I continue to recover, the future will be bright and there will be many more holidays to spend with my family. In one month from today, it will be Christmas Day. I do hope that one month goes by as quickly as the previous month but nonetheless that will be a particularly tough day as well. I will remain positive and I will get through this a much better person. I cannot get this time back, but I can make the most of the time I have with my family when my journey has ended. I intend on making the most of each day and everyday because it can all be gone in a single heart beat.