A Pattern

It is fairly obvious that a pattern has developed which is very simple. The pattern is when I am busy, I have less time to think about my surroundings and the days pass quickly. When I am not busy, the opposite holds true. Thankfully, my job keeps me busy Monday through Friday (with the exception of this past week due to the Thanksgiving Holiday) and those days are productive and pass rapidly. The weekends are truly the toughest part of my time away because I am nowhere near as busy and have more time to think about many things. I suspect this pattern will continue throughout my term. I just can’t let my down days – in both the physical and mental state – overwhelm my up days. These past four days have been exceedingly difficult but there is not one darn thing I can do about it. I have time which I must serve over the next year and a half. This time covers some significant family holidays but “it is what it is.”

I am not going to sit here and write lies. This blog is about maintaining my accountability and truth. Missing the Thanksgiving Holiday with my family sucks (sorry about that) but it is part of my punishment. I am a criminal no matter the circumstances surrounding my law breaking and criminals are punished. There are varying degrees of punishment and my situation could have been better but by the same token, it could have been worse. Missing two years worth of family holidays is enough punishment for me. However, in order for me not to repeat the mistakes of my past, I need a Program of Recovery. I was very fortunate to find this program before I entered prison. Had I not found the GA Program, prison would have only exasperated my problems. Now I know how to deal with everyday events without compounding the problem.

The biggest factor in my compulsive gambling addiction was boredom. I fell into the same trap over and over again due to my inability to cope with this problem of boredom. There have been many times over the past four months that I have been bored but not once did I have the inclination to place a wager. The reason for this is the GA Program which has shown me a much better way to live. When I get bored, I find other outlets such as reading, writing, and exercising. Yes, I have always been an exercise fanatic even when I was gambling excessively; however that was my way of getting away from my insanity. I was on the right track but I couldn’t break free of my addiction until I was completely honest with myself. I am a compulsive gambler and my life has become completely unmanageable. The second part of this sentence is very critical because I thought I could manage anything but I only fooled myself into my current situation. All of my actions when I was gambling obsessively lead me to where I sit right now – prison. If I don’t learn from this, I never will.

My brain has a tendency to forget all the bad things in the past and this is okay because I can’t dwell on them. However, it is not okay in 10 years when my life is seemingly normal for the first time in a very long time to think I can place an occasional wager. I have proved I cannot do this because it will only lead to horrible events. The GA Program speaks of three things which happen to compulsive gamblers – prison (I’m here), insanity (I threw away a wonderful life to pursue a fantasy) and death (next stop if I were to get back on the carousel of doom). Is it possible I could actually forget what I am currently going through? A rational person would most likely answer, “No” but when I was gambling I was anything but rational or reasonable. I had very big signs in my life prior to this last fall from grace but I ignored them all due to my arrogance.

I have been humbled and humiliated by this current experience, but that is not to say my arrogance may surface in years to come. I must stay humbled and know that the next stop for me if I were to go back out and try that one small wager then it would be death. It sounds harsh, but I believe it to be the truth. I will continue working on my recovery each and everyday in order to avoid this fate. Again, this all boils down to a simple concept; gamble and die or not gamble and live. I choose to live because there is so much out there that I want to experience and by following my recovery I will be able to do this in a positive and honest manner.

Yesterday I ran 15 miles and now I am getting the call of “Marathan Man” from other inmates as I run by. The run felt good but it took me awhile (around mile 9) to find my stride. I am not sure why it took me so long but sometimes this does happen. I covered the 15 miles in an hour and 56 minutes. My first mile was completed in 7 minutes and 48 seconds and my last mile was completed in 7 minutes and 32 seconds. It was a very good run based on these characteristics. One of the things I have noticed when running here is that the track is very hard because it is comprised of asphalt. There is no give at all in the track and some sections are separating so I need to be careful not to get my ankle caught in them. Also, my “still too small” running shoes do provide some support but certainly lack cushioning. Unfortunately, these are the best running shoes available in any of the catalogues. Based on the total weekly amount of mileage I am doing these shoes should wear down very quickly. Typically, they are good for about 300 miles. In the past two weeks, I have logged almost 100 miles not including the many hours of Harvard steps. Hopefully, my wife can exchange them for a larger size so I can have a fresh pair. The calendar for the quarterly package ends at the end of December and worst case scenario I can order a new pair in January. Unfortunately, my instructor shoes just don’t work for me while I am running. I would be better served to run bare feet which is a shame because the coach did request the shoes but someone in the administration took it upon themselves to order basketball shoes. I can wear these when I am not running so it saves a little wear and tear on my running shoes.

I completed the run and had to wait a few minutes for the unlock. I wanted to jump right into the shower when I got in but had a two-hour wait. Everyone else had come in right before me so there was a long line. One of the “perks” of my job during the week is I get priority on the shower when I come in from work. The system for the shower is anyone coming from work has a priority to use the shower first. During the week I only have to wait a few minutes which is just enough time to wash my work clothes in the sink. My goodness, I so miss a washing machine and dryer along with countless other things. While I was waiting to get into the shower I made myself another peanut butter and jam sandwich. There is a point somewhere which I will get sick of these sandwiches but right now I have no other options. I am getting tired of them but I do need to eat something and I won’t eat the lunchmeat which is served with the regular lunches. I will continue to eat these sandwiches until I resemble a peanut! If variety is to spice up life I am certainly missing out with my food selection. My foods are the same day in and day out. I am waiting for a food package which was sent by my wife. This contains at least some nutri-grain bars and tuna fish. I would do well mixing a little tuna fish in place of the peanut butter and jam sandwich for lunch. Thirty days straight of any food is long enough and I do need some variety.

The dinner last night was the soy steak and when I got to the front of the line I asked the regular CO – the nice one – if the steak was definitely soy. She said, “Most likely, but I will give you the vegetarian meal to be sure.” Again this special meal was prepared by the inmate I know from the PFT class. He gave me a triple order of beans with rice and carrots. He also gave me an extra helping of the canned pears for dessert. There were so many beans on my tray I couldn’t eat them all. I am certainly doing much better with the vegetarian meal than I have when I first started. Again, I was very full and didn’t eat anything the rest of the evening.

I returned back to the dorm and watched the college football game between Southern Cal and Notre Dame. For some reason there are plenty of seats available in the television area for the college games as opposed to the movies. I needed something different and watching the football game provided that. As I watched the game, I listened to my fellow dorm mates cheer for southern Cal. They all seemed to be USC fans and in fact one of them lives nearby the campus. This dorm mate was explaining how nice the campus is because he has been there many times. I didn’t want to go into the fact that I attended USC for two semesters over 20 years ago so I let him go on and on about the campus. I have found in my particular situation it is better for me to say as less as possible and to just listen. I certainly do more listening than talking over the past four months. I believe this is a good thing because this way I continue to learn more about myself each day. USC won the game which made my dorm mates very happy and I spent over 3 hours off my bunk which made me very happy.

I have been fortunate enough to obtain two more James Patterson books – BLACK MARKET and ALONG CAME A SPIDER. Here I go again, I find something I like and stick with it. I started reading BLACK MARKET which was one of his first novels and is set up a little differently than his other books. In this book, the chapters are of the normal length, not the 3 and 4 page variety as in the other books. I know I have stated this before but it seems the smaller the chapters the faster the book goes. This is probably only psychological but I prefer the smaller chapters. The premise of this book is quite scary holding the financial systems hostage in NY City, considering it was written before September 11, 2001. The book was written in 1986. After the game I returned to my bunk and started in on the Third Reading of my Program; then it was time to fall asleep.