It's Official

It is official; today I stood in front of the judge and plead guilty to all 26 counts against me and with this admonition of guilt accepted the Judge's sentence agreement of no more than 4 years in state prison. This does not mean I will receive 4 years in state prison it means I can get NO more than 4 years in state prison. There is still one more step to go through before I go in front of the judge and receive his sentence. This should all happen rather quickly within the next month or two and I can close this rather horrid chapter in my life and the lives of my family.

Yes, this has been a horrid chapter in my life; however; I have learned so much about myself and continue to learn so much more about myself because I am committed to arresting my gambling addiction. It would be wrong of me to say I will get rid of my gambling addiction because this is not possible. In fact I read yesterday that a Finnish drugmaker is testing a pill that curbs the craving to gamble. You can read more about the story here. One very interesting quote in this article came from Dr. Robert Freedman editor of the American Journal of Psychiatry; "The study is part of emerging evidence that gambling, once thought to be a problem in moral integrity, is instead a problem in brain biology and can be successfully treated."

Based on that previous statement from Dr. Robert Freedman compulsive gambling is problem based on brain biology . This is why some people can gamble normally while others like myself have to gamble compulsively. Although this pill does show promise it should be used in connection with more conventional treatment such as counseling and Gamblers Anonymous as the article rightfully states.

Yes, it appears the brains of compulsive gamblers are hard-wired differently than normal people but the issue of compulsive gambling is more emotional than anything else. Until these emotions are addressed through counseling and or the Gamblers Anonymous Program the compulsive gambler (like myself) will continue to live in denial. All of those people who come into GA hoping for a pill to take away their pain may get this in the coming years but if they take the pill alone they will be missing a huge part of their recovery. I am so glad I have not missed this part of my recovery because I know so many more things about myself now than I have ever known in my life.

After coming back from court my wife and I were talking about my second fall from grace because of my compulsive gambling addiction. I had caused us to file bankruptcy 12 years ago due to my gambling. My wife reminded me of when I went to a psychologist in Las Vegas and until she had reminded me I had totally forgotten. As my wife spoke the only thing I could remember about this psychologist was writing her a check for the session and I remember writing three checks. Which means I only went to three sessions. We didn't connect on any level and I know she did not recommend me going to a GA meeting. Had she recommended me to go to a GA meeting maybe things would have been different but I can't dwell on that. Twelve years ago I was somewhat ready to get help but didn't find the right help for me and decided to quit gambling by myself. This was a very big mistake and I didn't want to repeat this mistake again which is why I have fully immersed myself in the GA Program of recovery.

Getting back to the court session; I was extremely apprehensive last night as I talked with my attorney but for some reason a calmness came over me as I stood in the courtroom. I know what I have done is wrong but I did have issues with some of the counts because I thought they were baseless. It would not have been prudent to fight those baseless charges because the overwhelming concept of what I did was clearly wrong and I might have gotten a worse disposition even if I was successful in fighting those baseless counts. I was not willing to GAMBLE my future because my pride was hurt. I know what I did was wrong and I know which counts are completely correct and which ones are not.

As I entered my guilty pleas to the judge I was happy to hear him state that I am NOT a flight risk and NOT a danger to the community and I was free to go. Don't let this confuse anyone I was free to go because of the statement the judge made but I must be back in court next week for some other matters. But nevertheless I was excited to hear the judge finally address me in a "normal" manner. I am sure this was just a form of procedure but it made me happy.

The end is coming soon and within a few months if not shorter this will all be complete. I will serve whatever time the judge deems appropriate and will continue working my recovery. My wife and I have come up with a plan when I am incarcerated and it is the best plan for my wife and children. I know I will miss a significant portion of my children's lives but it is not forever. Most importantly my wife and children will be in a place with there is so much love and support whatever time I have to serve will go by quickly.