Open-mindedness

First off a very happy birthday to my dear nephew Mitchell; happy 4th birthday, I hope you had a great day. Now briefly continuing on the theme of the past two blog entries in regards to last year at this time. Last year on this day it was a Sunday and I was in full denial mode thinking I would be able to "get out" of any potential predicament. I was scheduled to play golf on this day with three other people and I didn't realize that this day would be the last day I would ever see two of these people again. Yes, I did play golf and I have no idea what I shot; my mind was still in full denial mode and tried to enjoy the day golfing with three friends.

I do remember driving to the golf course and I was behind a large truck which was carry rock and one of the rocks hit my windshield and made a nice dent. I still have this dent partly for a reminder of what was happening those days last year but mostly because I am afraid to price how much this dent is going to cost me.

I finished the round of golf and checked my wagers for the day and I had only won one game out of 10 bets placed. The $25,000 I had deposited two days ago was gone with the exception of some "free play" bonus money. My account for real money with the on-line sportsbook was zero. This was certainly a sign of what was to come in the next few days. Although this day last year was my next to last day of placing wagers for all intents and purposes it was the last day I had placed any wagers for a significant amount of money. I pray to God this would be the last day I ever placed wagers for as long as I live. I do know I have some powerful tools to ward off those horrible urges and it has been 364 days since my last bet.

I will write more about this time last year in the coming days but I wanted to focus on this afternoon's Gamblers Anonymous meeting. We started this meeting three weeks ago and I am so very glad it has started. The meeting lasts only one hour and at our first meeting we had 5 people and tonight we had 10. It doubled in size in just three weeks. I am so very blessed to be a part of this Program and it has helped me tremendously this past year. I am a very fortunate person to have so many positives surrounding my life.

The meeting tonight is a topic meeting and tonight's topic was open-mindedness. I gave my feelings on this topic but I wasn't very good. I will make an excuse; I was the first to go because no one seemed ready to start and I thought I was ready but after hearing everyone else's sharing I wanted a re-do. Here is my re-do; open-mindedness is one of the cornerstones of the Gamblers Anonymous Program and without this concept the Program would not work for me. I have always thought of myself as a very open-minded person and I do believe I am; however; I was not open-minded about myself.

I would never judge anyone before entering the GA Program and I certainly would not judge anyone now that I am part of the Program. I never looked long and hard at myself to see what gambling was doing to me. I had closed my mind to my addiction and this caused many bad things in my life. When I was 18 I closed my mind to how bad I had this addiction. I closed my mind to all of the things people I was told about compulsive gambling. When I was 28 I closed my mind as to where gambling had taken me once again. I thought I could "handle" this addiction by myself because I couldn't open my mind up enough to see how bad things were.

Yes, I have been somewhat responsible with my family (if you take away the gambling aspect) and was always there for my children. I would never blow-up at my wife and for the most part I am a very calm rational person. However; my mind was so closed to this addiction when I discovered what I had discovered at my previous employer I was incapable of making the proper decision. I thought it was just good fortune and I could lead the life I had always dreamed of. This is sickening when I think back about it. My mind was so closed I denied I even had a gambling problem when all of the signs were there. I was able to cover this gambling problem with my nice guy approach. A nice guy like me couldn't possibly do the things I had done but a nice guy with a gambling problem is capable of horrendous behavior and much more.

My mind was finally opened almost one year ago when I said the words; "I am a compulsive gambler". My mind continues to be open each and every day and I have the GA Program to thank for this. Without this Program in my life my mind would have remained closed and yes, the next stop for me would have been a very lonely death. I would have lost all of those people who believed in me and have supported me throughout this ordeal. I am finally getting the help I so needed at an earlier age. I am so very grateful to have found this help and I know it is not too late for anything. With the grace of my Higher Power, my family, my friends and the GA Program I know I can be the person I am destined to be. I will continue to work each and every day with an open mind so I can continue to progress positively throughout my recovery.

Sometimes when I go first at GA meetings I am not very good and may not make a lot of sense. However; as I really listen to other members share their experience, strength and hope I learn something every time. This was the case at tonight's meeting because I learned how closed my mind really was and now my mind is truly open. I am very excited to see the things I can do with this open mind.