Phone Call

Keeping along the same lines as yesterday's post; this day last year marked the telephone call that will forever change my life. It was a Saturday and I had just run an 8K with a (former)friend of mine and I stopped at the local health food store to pick-up some groceries. As I pulled into the parking lot my cell phone rang (actually vibrated) and I noticed it was my wife calling.

I answered the cell phone and my wife had informed me she was just at the dry cleaners and had used her ATM card and the ATM card was refused. She went to our local bank to see why the card was refused but they gave her some very sketchy information only telling her there was a hold on the account. She had told me all of this and I knew right then and there what the cause of all of this had been.

She told me maybe I should contact the bank by telephone to see if I could garner any additional information. Now I was hoping against hope it had something to do with the $25,000 bank wire I had sent the night before but that was just wishful thinking. I had a "special" telephone number for the bank's customer service office and I dialed the number right after I had hung up with my wife.

As I dialed the number and got transferred three different times I kept hoping against hope that they wouldn't tell me what I knew they were going to tell me. Finally after the third transfer I spoke with a very nice customer service representative who informed me that a hold had been put on my account due to some "suspicious transactions" in my checking account and was referred to the Fraud Department. The very nice customer representative informed me that the person handling my account was out until Monday so I should call back then because they couldn't give me any further information.

Once I heard "suspicious transactions" I knew exactly what that had meant and it was the words I didn't want to hear. However; my sick demented compulsive gambler brain started to work overtime to figure out how I could get out of this potential mess. Also; this being a Saturday during college basketball season I had numerous bets going on and I had to find out those results as well. As my brain tried to came up with a plausible explanation in reference to these "suspicious transactions" I also thought how could I continue doing what I was doing. Never thinking for a minute the end was coming soon; I was convinced I would get out of this potential mess and continue on with my sick twisted fantasy. This is how my brain worked when I had to have action; it really wasn't a very good place to be and I am so glad all of the madness had stopped.

I did know I had a few days to come up with something and as I watched all of my bets of the day go down in flames. I think I lost $12,000 of the $25,000 I had deposited the day before but my crazy brain had come up with something that seemed very plausible at least to me. I am a very creative person and some of these creative ways have gotten me into trouble over the years and this would not be an exception. I am positive I was up all night tossing and turning trying to convince myself everything would be fine and life would go back to "normal".

Unfortunately "normal" for me was insanity for most people. I am so blessed that over the course of the next few days the people who were making the decisions didn't believe what I was saying or rather couldn't believe what I was saying. They couldn't believe what I was saying because they were just doing their jobs and everyone from the bank did their jobs remarkably well. However; over those few days I certainly didn't think this and in fact I was sure they would believe me because I am a very believable person and afterall I thought the bank had owed me something.

I wouldn't come right out and say this but my arrogance was showing. I was never outwardly arrogant; I was a (if there is a such a thing) passive aggressive arrogant person. In my mind I thought the bank had owed me something because afterall I was the one who got them all of the banking functions at my previous employer. This was not true and I didn't make the decision to have them do our banking I merely suggested their services. I was way down on the food chain in reference to making decisions but my brain certainly didn't think so.

This passive aggressive arrogance was horrible and I am trying everything to rid myself of this horrid character defect. I know so many things about myself now then I did one year ago and I continue to learn so many things about myself as each day goes by. As I continue to truly work the Gamblers Anonymous Program I am fully aware of things I need to do to make myself a better person. I recognize this arrogance as a character defect and work hard each day to live a humble positive life with a strong purpose. I know it is a long and sometimes bumpy road to recovery from this horrible addiction but it is certainly better than living in denial and deceit. I am thankful for all those people who didn't buy my story because if they did I would still be living in a true self-inflicted nightmare that could have ended even worse.