Damage

The telephone rang at 6:30 am and usually when the telephone rings before 8:00 am it can't possibly be good news. I looked at the caller ID and instantly recognized the telephone number. I thought something bad physically had happened to one of the two people this telephone number belong to. Fortunately I was wrong nothing physically happened to either person but there was still damage which is emotional.

The telephone call was warranted because I have caused this person so much emotional harm and other types of harm I deserved the questions that were ask. The good news for me was I had nothing to do with this situation but I have messed up so bad with this person that it will take a very long time to rectify if I can actually rectify the damage I have caused this person.

I do realize this is the beginning of a very long road to recovery for not only myself but for those I have harmed. This person this morning who called is a very dear person to me and there is nothing I can do or say to undue the damage of the past. I can only work on today and ensure I don't cause any damage ever again. The wreckage of the past will haunt me for a lifetime but it really is okay because I inflicted this damage on myself and others. I deserve any suspicious questions and I will answer any and all questions to the best of my ability which will be performed with honesty.

I screwed up a very special relationship due to my compulsive gambling and it will take more than one year in recovery from this addiction to make amends. Hopefully someday I will be trusted again but if I am not that is okay as well because I cannot control any other person's thoughts only my own. I will continue to work my recovery to the best of my ability and I do know my life has gotten so much better and will continue to get better as long as I stay in recovery.

After receiving this telephone call my wife asked me if I were okay and I replied yes. Yes, I was okay because I will continue to get these types of questions asked of me for a very long time because of my previous actions. My previous actions have given me and others some very serious consequences. I am facing those consequences but I do feel so bad for those that have to suffer consequences because of my actions. They did nothing wrong but they have to deal with some unpleasantries caused by me. I apologize for all the problems I have caused and I am doing everything in my power to ensure this does not happen again.

I was very fortunate to attend my last Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting for a long time. It really is a very special meeting to me and this morning was very special as well. We had a full room and it was so nice to see everyone again. There was so much love, experience, strength and hope I am so honored to be a part of this fabulous fellowship. There are great people in those rooms and this morning was not an exception.

The inspiration I receive from this meeting is extraordinary. I will miss this meeting and the people in the meeting but I do know I will take all that I have learned with me on my new journey. This love that has been experienced for the past 15 months is incredible and I love everyone in the fellowship because they have given me my life back.