Meaningful Studies

This has been a miraculous week in the Gamblers Anonymous Program for me. First it happened on Monday when a friend and me attended a meeting which has been struggling for a long time. I wrote about this on Monday because the more I think about the events of that day the more I believe there is something very special at work and I also believe it to be nothing short of a miracle. Tonight at our Gamblers Anonymous Wednesday evening Speaker's meeting another miracle happened. A very good friend of mine who has been in the Program a little less than one year spoke and it was a truly remarkable and moving speech.

I was so impressed with this member and I was so moved by their words. This may not seem like a miracle to many people but I remember when this member first attended a GA meeting last year; very bad things were happening and their mind was anything but clear. However; tonight there was clarity in their voice and the speech taught me how powerful this disease of compulsive gambling really is. It makes ordinary law abiding people do insane things all under the pretense of making the next bet.

I was just like this member and even though we couldn't be more different we are the same; sick compulsive gamblers. But now we are sick compulsive gamblers in recovery who are grateful to the Gamblers Anonymous Program for showing us a better way to live. It was a fantastic meeting and I am so impressed by this member; I am truly blessed to have these very special people in my life.

Yesterday I received an email and attached to the email was this story. The email had contained this text which read; "Of interest "rush of dopamine on immature brain can rewire brain circuits".Consider how affected you as a youth." As I read the story my first thought was I think this is great because meaningful studies are being done in regards to compulsive gambling and the second thought was I didn't expect Nebraska to be a state which led the way. Please no offense to Nebraska because I believe this study is the first step in the right direction and I apology to anyone who lives in Nebraska because it appears this state is definitely light years ahead of the state I live in when it comes to meaningful studies.

Getting back to the real reason I brought up this story; the person who sent this email to me is a leader in the treatment of compulsive gambling addiction and they wanted to know how this rush affected me as a youth. Yes, it is true and as I have written before my first real wager was placed at the age of twelve and I started betting sports regularly when I was sixteen. There was certainly a "rush" when I placed those bets but as the article implies my compulsive gambling gave me a warped sense of reality. In fact; I didn't know what reality was until 14 months and 19 days ago when I entered the Gamblers Anonymous Program.

All the gambling gave me was a sense of entitlement and sense of being all knowing and all powerful. This is not reality this lead to distortion of my thinking. Yes, for all intents and purposes on the outside I was a reliable, trustworthy, honest person but all of this gave way to the compulsive gambling demon. This demon made me unreliable, untrustworthy, dishonest and a thief. Please remember I place no blame on anyone but myself these were my decisions alone which were driven by my warped sense of being.

This warped sense of being was a train wreck waiting to happen and yes, it happened with full force last year. I am happy to report that they were injuries in that train wreck but none of them fatal because my distorted way of thinking gave way to something new in my life a real sense of being. I didn't want to live with this gambling addiction and I needed help with this addiction. I cannot do this by myself and I know I don't have to do this by myself. This past year and a few months have been incredible and there has only been growth. I am done going backwards and I know I don't have to live like I did for so long because there is a better way. This better way is with honesty, open-mindness and willing to change in a positive manner.

Yes, I am sure starting gambling so early screwed up the circuits in my brain for a long time but this does not give me the excuse to live this way forever. There is a much better way and slowly but surely my circuits are starting to be re-wired in the proper way. I know these circuits will NEVER be completely wired correctly and this is okay because as long as I don't go back to that horrible behavior and I work my recovery life continues to get better. I intend to keep doing this one day at a time.