Good Friend

Throughout the last 14 plus months I have learned so many things about life and about myself. One of the things I have learned is what a true friend really is. Before all of this happened I fully understood that people will come and go in my life and that to me is really the nature of life. There have been people in my life before this episode happened that I have not spoken to in years nor do I expect to ever speak with them again. After this episode happened I completely understand that there are people who I considered friends that will never ever speak to me again. This is unfortunate but I understand. People are very different and take certain situations very differently.

This evening I had the pleasure of having dinner with someone I consider a good friend. I have known this person for five years but it certainly seems longer than that and it is in a good way. What I did hurt this person on a personal level but this person does not hold a grudge. I am not sure if this person has forgiven me for my actions and I don't expect anyone to forgive me for those actions. I must first forgive myself which I process each and every day. I have forgiven myself which in no way means I will forget what I have done to my family and myself. I must forgive myself in order to move forward with my recovery and each day is a struggle to completely forgive myself.

It is a struggle when I meet a good friend and know I had something very special in my life but I chose to ignore it in order to place that next bet and live in a fantasy life. Fantasy is no way to live life; life is based on reality and now I must deal with the reality of my behavior. I am not going to dig up old wounds because I need to move forward. Tonight while I had dinner with this good friend it helped me to move forward. There are some very special people in my life and this person who I had met this evening is one of those people. I will be forever grateful for this friendship because it has shown me the true goodness in people.

On the other hand there are people in my life that want nothing to do with me and will go to great lengths to distance me from them. You know what; this is okay as well. I know there are somethings in my life I CAN change and there are others that I have NO control over and CANNOT change. God has granted me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. This serenity has become my daily saying because I can apply it to so many areas in my life.

I know I have hurt people because of my actions and I know no matter how many times I say I am sorry it will not matter to them. Some people have taken what I have done very personally and I cannot blame anyone for thinking this way. I can write for days or speak to I am blue in the face but that won't change my actions of the past. I must own up to my actions, take responsibility, suffer the consequences and move forward with my life in a very positive way. I intend to do all of these things and I know my life has gotten better and will continue to get better as long as I live in reality.

I do miss the interaction with my good friend but during our dinner conversation I laughed and thought how blessed I am to have these type of people in my life. If I were truly a monster or horrible person I know that no one would speak to me so I guess I am not that terrible. Also; I do know if I hadn't done anything to address my compulsive gambling addiction in these past fourteen months I would be a very isolated lonely person. I am forever grateful to the Gamblers Anonymous Program for showing me the way back to sanity and I am forever grateful to my family and great friends for their unbelieveable support.