My Daughter's Communion

Yesterday evening was another “outstanding” evening with my friends. It seems the last few Saturday nights we sit around watching the “Suze Orman Show” followed by “Deal or No Deal.” Up until a few weeks ago I may have seen 5 minutes of both these shows now we seem to make it a point on our Saturday evening to watch these shows. I have to admit these shows are quite entertaining and the segment “Can I Afford It” on the Suze Orman Show is very funny. I don’t think the producers were going for the comedy content but with my friends we invariably sit around laughing at the program. Then comes “Deal or No Deal” which I believe is a well done show. Make no mistake this program is gambling and certainly does not fit my recovery; however; from a pure entertainment perspective it is very well done. The show is indeed funny and again with my friends the comedic level rises.

I had enough fun for a Saturday evening and retired to bed. I was having difficulty falling asleep which is not surprising because my thoughts were thousands of miles away. Last night was the night before my daughter’s communion and my entire family came from various parts of the country to celebrate the day with my daughter. The only one missing would be me and I won’t sugarcoat it; this hurts.

I’m not a practicing Catholic but my wife is and yes, I still have issues with the Catholic Church but unlike previously these are my issues and my issues alone. I won’t allow them to seep into my wife and my children. My wife intends to raise our children Catholic and I do think this is a wonderful idea. The sacrament of Communion is a big deal in the Catholic religion sort of a pre-bah mitzvah as compared to the Jewish religion. This day was very important to my wife and my mother-in-law and they went all out. This is indeed wonderful because they do display a great deal of love.

Once again; I have to stop being so selfish and inserting my ideals into other people. My wife is an incredible woman and I have put her through so much. I would have loved to go to the Communion ceremony but even with all my good intentions some where some way it just wasn’t going to happen. I have come to terms with this but in a word it really “sucks”. Last night I had a choice which was to sit in bed lamenting my faith or letting go of the ill feelings.

After a few minutes of consternating I let go of my ill feelings. I do feel bad for my daughter and my wife that I couldn’t be there when all of our family was there but those great philosophical words ring true; “it is what it is.” Also there is a reason why I was not allowed to go and that reason is quite simple; due to my compulsive gambling addiction my life is not my own and I still have 11 more months before my life becomes my own. I continue to be grateful for all the wonderful events in my life and this is all thanks to recovery. I will not deter myself because I love my life and the peace I continue to experience each and everyday of my life.

I did finally fall asleep and slept quite soundly. The first thing I did when I got up this morning was to call my family. I wanted to speak with my daughter before the ceremony and I was able to speak with her. I could sense the excitement in her voice along with the some nervousness. My daughter has such an incredibly positive attitude and I knew everything would go very well. I also spoke with my wife and she was happy the day had finally arrived after all of the planning. Once again I did feel sorry for myself but I snapped out of it rather quickly. I wished them a great day and I would talk to them again after everything was completed.

As the telephone call ended I knew I needed to stay busy this morning to keep my mind occupied. I didn’t have anything planned expect for my usual of working out this morning and this is exactly what I did. I took my time at the gym and got a great workout but my eye was on the clock. The ceremony for the Communion commenced at noon east coast time and yes, I did peak at the clock exactly at noon. A smile came across my face knowing that there was so much love with my family. I not only have a wonderful family but I have a wonderful family through and through. I stepped up the intensity of my workout during this time period and before I knew it an hour elapsed. With this hour elapsing I realized the ceremony was now over. I wasn’t finished with my workout as I had 8 miles to run. I ran the 8 miles a little differently then suggested; my level of intensity was much higher and once again before I knew it an hour had elapsed.

I showered and exited the gym as I got into my car I checked my cell phone and sure enough there were two photos from my mother of my daughter in her beautiful communion dress. My daughter was beaming from ear to ear and she looked magnificent. My little girl is growing up so quickly. I returned home and had some lunch. After lunch I called my mother who gave me a full rundown on the Communion ceremony as she sat at the reception. My mother’s words were “your daughter was beaming the entire time and she looked so beautiful”. Yes, everything went off well and everyone was having a great time at the reception. I had to smile because my mother was so careful not to say “I wish you were here”, because she knows that just wasn’t going to happen.

I had a wonderful telephone call with my mother and I kept busy with doing laundry all afternoon along with talking on the telephone with dear friends. In GA we have a saying, “use the telephone list” and I was using the telephone list. The afternoon passed as quickly as I talked on the telephone and then I was able to speak with my two sisters and my father. They each gave me a rundown of the day’s events and yes, everyone had rave reviews. As was the case with my mother; my father and sisters did not mention me not being there as the point was superfluous. The event was a resounding success and all went very well.

It was time for me to go to the Sunday evening GA meeting when my daughter called. She had a great day but she did say; “I thought you might surprise me so I was sort of expecting that you would have come”. Of course this tugged on my heart but as much as I wanted to go not having the permission to travel meant I couldn’t travel. This was a big event in my daughter’s life but I have to obey (as much as I disagree) the terms I have been given. My daughter recounted the day’s events as well and having heard it from 5 different people I did feel like I was there. I could feel the love emanating from the telephone. After speaking with my daughter I spoke briefly with my son then my wife. My wife was relieved the day was over and very happy everything went so well. She did have some thoughts of me surprising her with an arrival but again that did not happen.

The communion event was all over and now my focus is on seeing my family in July. I did receive many photos of the event and I must say it was sort of strange seeing photographs of my entire family minus me. This may sound dire and I don’t mean it this way so please forgive but viewing these photos was sort of an out of body experience. I was missing from the photos and that is just the way it is. I happy the event is over and everything went very well. My attitude remains positive and in a little over two months I will be with my family once again. We will be reunited and I will continue living positively one day at a time for a lifetime.