Peaceful Day

I was going back into the archives of my email account and came across an email from six years ago. The email was concerning an entertainment center I had commissioned from someone who I had worked with and as I read the email I couldn’t believe six years has passed so quickly. In the archives of the email there were emails “before” and emails “after”. There weren’t too many “before” as I think I had deleted many of them previously but the few there were my mind wasn’t working properly back then. I found a few receipts of “investment” newsletters and for the life of me I can’t remember ever reading any of these so-called newsletters. I was always looking for the “quick buck” when in reality I had all I ever would need right in front of me.

The old adages of “20/20 is always hindsight” do come to mind and “if I would have known now what I didn’t know then” also rings true but in reality the past is gone. Sure this is where I have evolved and hopefully it is true evolution. I believe it is true evolution all thanks to recovery and my mind does work very differently now then it has ever in my life. I do believe this is clarity I have not have probably for the past 40 plus years and maybe it did take a “life changing event” to cause all of this but I am on the proper path to recovery.

The work week does conclude today and yesterday I made an impromptu trip up to the airport to pick up a friend. This was almost serendipitous as I would much rather have been boarding an airplane but this was not meant to be. Early on I had visions of departing to New Jersey on yesterday’s date making in time for my daughter’s communion on Sunday; however; those plans were not allowed. I do need permission to do some things such as travel out of state and this permission was not granted. I am so blessed to have an incredibly understanding family. My wife is very disappointed and I think more disappointed then my ten year old daughter. My daughter does seem to understand and she really is okay with the fact that I will be missing the event. My wife on the other hand does not like the fact that I will be missing yet another event but I do believe she accepts the fact.

As for me I am disappointed and a little frustrated. I received mixed messages from the start and these mixed messages continue. There isn’t much I can do about these mixed messages other then obey what it is I am supposed to obey. In my perspective I was hoping to be treated as an individual not the lot unfortunately this has not transpired this way. Who knows maybe this will change but it still won’t deter me from continuing to do the right things all the time. I can see this being very demoralizing but it all comes back to my attitude which I chose each and every day. If I choose a defeatists attitude I will become very negative but on the other hand choosing a positive attitude I will continue on the positive path to recovery.

I have heard numerous stories while I was in prison and even before prison in regards to parole. I did have it in my mind that my situation would be different from these very negative stories and for the most part it is. I can see how some of the stories did ring true because it is not the most perfect system; however; it is the system I must deal with for the next 11 months. I am no longer going to harp on this and from this point forward the whole story is moot.
Last night I was very surprised by the lack of traffic going to and from the airport. I thought I was in for a great deal of traffic but it never materialized which is a very good thing. I was very happy to help out my friends and any little thing I can do to help is the least I can do for all the help my friends continue to give me. I will baby sit, dog sit, run to the airport or do anything else asked of me and I will do all of these things very happily.

I got back to the house and I would have sworn it was much later then the time it was but it was one of those nights where I was a bit tired. I had something to eat and just did much of nothing the rest of the evening. I watched a little television and I did enjoy “The Big Idea” by Donny Deutsch on CNBC. It is a catchy show where they talk about “Big Ideas” and what it takes to be successful. The theme last night was to just take that first step. I do believe this has been my problem for a very long time.

I may seem like a risk taker with all my baggage but by the contrary I am more conservative than anything else. I was very fortunate to land my current position and I don’t know what I would be doing if it hadn’t been for my friend offering me this position. It does appear I need to “kick myself in the rear” and get going because over the long term this position doesn’t appear to be happening. I have been looking, listening and studying for new opportunities and I have to take that first step.

I am a little reticent to search for a job because the jobs I am qualified for I am prohibited from doing, ah the little Catch-22. I do need to step out of my comfort zone and take a leap. Now is the time and I now everything will work out for the very best. I am formulating a plan which is at the very early stages but a plan is happening nonetheless. I do have a family I need to care for and I want to alleviate any burden I have put on my wife. My wife is concerned about making the payments when we finally move in to wherever we move in to. (Incidentally, the telephone call that didn’t happen yesterday did happen today and everything is going to be great, I do believe this wholeheartedly.)

This morning I was very tired and just lay in bed for awhile. I planned on working out but my body was calling for rest and I listened. I don’t have a long run planned this weekend as the exercise regimen does not call for one so I could take today off. I took today off and wanted to stay as busy as possible for the weekend to keep my mind occupied.

I do believe I have some things planned for the weekend such as the two GA meetings along with most likely moving some items from our various storage locations. I really can’t wait to get into my own house/dwelling. I am beyond grateful to my friends for allowing me to stay with them but it is time to be on my own. I am not going anywhere until I have a place to go to wherever that maybe so I probably have another two months to go. My plan is to have everything ready to go for my wife when she arrives and hopefully I will be able to accomplish this.

I arrived at work much earlier then normal and Fridays are so quiet with only one other person in the office. I finished what I need to do in the morning and ran some errands later on and for the most part had a very peaceful day.