"True" Recovery

Here it is over four months since my last posting and if there was ever a doubt life does move so quickly!! In summary the last four months have been wonderful, another softball season was completed, my son made his First Holy Communion and unlike when my daughter made hers I was able to see my son make his. It was a great occasion and my incredible family and incredible wife's family made their ways out west to partake in the joyous occasion. Work has taken a turn for the absolute best, truth be told I wasn't exactly "happy" over the early part of this year; however; I continue to learn it is better to be content with what I have as opposed to be discontented with what I don't have. As faith would have it and yes, I am a very big believer in karma everything changed for the better over the past month. I cannot overstate the fact that I am beyond fortunate to even have a job let alone the type of job I have so yes, I am grateful for everything that is bestowed upon me, life is awesome.

That just about sums up the past four months and I realize if I had been writing every day or every other day over that same period I would have had forty or fifty pages not four or five sentences!!! In any event I have been thinking a great deal about "true" recovery over the past few weeks. I believe I am far from being in "true" recovery and I am uncertain if this is even attainable. I am not saying I am falling away from my recovery in fact I embrace recovery each and every day because recovery continues to save and enhance my life at every moment.

"True" recovery in my opinion is having balance in life. I encountered people in recovery every day and some embrace the concepts and others not so much. I do embrace those concepts but I do believe there can be too much of a good thing. For example, I love to run and if I were to run 20 miles every day I am feel better physically (I do think there will be problems with injuries in the long haul especially logging those long miles) but it would become another addiction. Can people become addicted to recovery, in my opinion yes, and I believe anyone (especially me!!) can become addicted to anything good or bad. If a person is addicted to recovery are they still recovering? This is tricky because of course I am recovering from my compulsive gambling addiction and it has been over 5 years since my last wager however; if there is something else that is taking over my life I am no longer in control of my life.

Another for instance is if I work too much is this another form of an addiction and the short answer is yes, and there is a term for it workaholic. I am not and never have prescribed to being a workaholic but I have to say I enjoy being at work and strangely enough in my 20 plus year working career my current position and my current employer is the most amount of fun I have ever had. Yes, there is stress and sometimes I wonder where the day went and what I actually did during the day but I look forward to going into the office. I have gotten off track regarding "true" recovery so to get back to my point (if there is one!!) I think "true" recovery is something to try for but can really never be attained especially for people like me who have addictive type personalities. I am running in the San Francisco Marathon later this month and this will be my 13 marathon and oh by the way I did finally qualify for the Boston Marathon which I will be running next April. I am addicted to running but I do my best to ensure it doesn't take over my life and it all goes back to that balance.

Most "normal" (not sure who that would be!!) people understand the concept of balance while us addicted people know what it means but really don't pay much attention to this concept. I try and sometimes I am successful and other times I am not so successful to have balance in my life but it isn't as simple as it seems. In summary (I have gone a long way with no apparent point, my apologies!!) I seek "true" recovery but understand life moves quickly and as long as I am being constructive as opposed to destructive life continues to improve each and every day!!

More than 3 Months, WOW!!

Oh my goodness I can't believe it has been more than three months since my last entry, my goodness how time flies when you (and I mean me!) are having fun!! I need to offer everyone a very Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year!!! Yes, the time continues to pass so quickly and each time I say to myself I am going to blog something invariably takes me away from doing this so today while I was messing around on the Internet I decided to stop by and write something. Normally I have an idea of what I would like to write but today I am just writing to write because it is therapeutic and I have missed this aspect of my therapy.

I continue to attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings although I have missed the past week due to the Valentines Day Holiday and Softball obligations. Yes, my wife and I had a very nice Valentines Day just the two of us seeing The Blindside and having a nice dinner. I highly recommend The Blindside and I thought Sandra Bullock was great and the story was very inspiring. I couldn't believe how recent this story was since the main character was drafted by the Baltimore Ravens last year. Someone wrote the book and got the movie produced within the last five years which seems rather quick to me but nevertheless it was a very good movie.

Life continues to move along and I am back to coaching my daughter's softball season for the Spring Season. Softball is taken very seriously around here but my philosophy is to ensure the girls have fun. I don't know how well our team will do during the season but I can say this a great group of girls and we are having fun. Our first game is March 1st and it is a whirlwind for the next two months before the season ends in May. My daughter will get much more playing time at pitcher since she is one of our two main pitchers and when she pitches well her smile is as bright as I have ever seen. On the flip side when she doesn't pitch well her frown is on the other side of the spectrum. There is an adage that girls have to FEEL well to play well where boys have to PLAY well to feel well. In my daughter's case she has to play and feel well to play and feel well if that makes any sense!! She is a very focused 12 year old and yes, she turned 12 this month and my son turned 9 this month as well. Yes, it does seem like we were just taking them home from the hospital in Las Vegas those February days but here we are looking at the teenage years starting next year, oh my!!

Work is moving along and it would be dishonest to say everything is great. Overall everything is great but there are some down days but the up/good days far exceed those down days. I am in a position that I would have never dreamed of when this odyssey of mine started nearly five years ago. Yes, I am fast approaching my fifth year anniversary/birth date and if all goes well next Sunday February 28th that would mark five years without having placed a wager of any type. I had a conversation with a friend of mine who asked if I had any urges to place a bet and I can say without hesitation that I haven't had an urge whatsoever. This means nothing because I know from firsthand experience I am and will always be a compulsive gambler. This brings me to an unfortunate event that happened to a person with nearly 40 years of abstinence in the GA Program. This particular member somehow went back out gambling which at first glance was mind boggling. However, the more I thought and talked about it with my sponsor who puts everything in perspective when he said, "Does anything a compulsive gambler surprise you??" Yes, that does put in perspective and I know no matter how long I have abstinent from gambling that path of destruction is always ready to take me. The key is to continue on the path of recovery and avoid the destructive path through the GA Program and really embracing the principles. I wish this person nothing but the best and I know this is a wake-up call for me.

I would be remiss not to mention Tiger Woods because I have written about him in the past. Make no mistake I am and I still am a very big Tiger fan. I have watched this very unfortunate saga unfold over the past three months and when I first heard I really wasn't surprised. Not that I ever expected any of what has come out with this story but I can empathize with Tiger and I know how destructive an addiction can be. I do hope Tiger is getting the help he needs and at some point he returns to what he does best which is to play golf. However; he has more pressing needs to attend to such as his family and his addiction. I realize many people find the "addiction" concept a convenient excuse but deep down we are all good people and life throws us so many curves. I am rooting for Tiger to get better and I think if he is serious about getting his life in order he won't return to golf for at least the next six months and probably shouldn't come back until he feels he is on the road to recovery.

Another item in the local news had another "scandal" at my previous employer. It is very strange and ironic how things tend to work out in this world. A very large indictment was handed down and I know or I should say I knew the two who have been indicted. I really do feel sorry for them and I know firsthand what they are facing and where they are. The place is a hell hole and I do hope everything works out for the best.

That did feel good to write and hopefully I can get here more often than every three months, thanks!!

Clearly on the "Other Side"!!

The theme for me these past few months has been the days passing by so quickly. There were a few occasions in the past two weeks where I wanted to sit down and write but I never made the time and that time just flew right by. I have heard so many people say “I never have the time to do fill in the blank….” I was never a big proponent of this and I am still not a proponent of this because to me it is a just another excuse. It is up to me to find the time and to make the time to do those things that keep me in recovery. In the past I let the time just go by now I am doing my very best to make the “best” of the time. As time goes I have now been out in the free world longer than I was in the not so free world. I served 19 ½ months and believe it or not it has been 20 ½ months on the “other side”.

There isn’t a comparison to which amount of time went faster but it really is hard to believe the five year mark is coming up very quickly. Now my life is filled with blessings and the days are whizzing by in a mere heartbeat. In terms of things whizzing by we completed the softball season this past Saturday as our team was eliminated from the end of the season tournament. Even though we didn’t do as well as I had hoped I had so much fun coaching my daughter and the team. There were some trying moments especially near the end of the season when our best player decided to forego our team for her All-Star team but in the end everyone seemed to have a great deal of fun. I do want to coach again in the spring and I got the “ok” from my daughter.

There is no doubt I am a very compulsive person as witnessed from my compulsive gambling days to my fanaticism of running and my insane diet. Another facet of my compulsive nature appeared as I became very compulsive with coaching the softball team. I was always looking out for new drills and constantly playing with the line-ups. Hopefully this is a good thing and I do believe it is a good thing because it did not take over my life. There were times where I spent many hours planning for the upcoming game and or practice but overall it was a wonderful experience. I was blessed with a great group of parents and made some new friends as well. Strangely enough these new friends have law enforcement backgrounds and it is so nice to have the past in the past as I was called “Coach” the entire season. Wow, what a difference a few years makes and what a difference a life in recovery makes!!

We had the team party last night at a very cool pizza/arcade. The great part about was seeing the girls interact with one another and it was only 2 ½ months ago that we started the season but there were some friendships formulated. Life is really about experiences and hopefully the girls along with the parents had a positive experience over the season. I know I had a very positive experience through and through. I really can’t wait for the spring season to start so I can plan, devise and strategize!!!!

Work had hit an “interesting” patch a few weeks ago but it that has past and work is going very well. This is yet another one of the many blessings in my life. It is so fascinating how a small decision nearly 5 years ago has altered my life for the better. As the “walls” were closing in on me I made a decision to attend a class and from that class started a friendship and from that friendship I am where I am today. I took a class to be a Counselor to Compulsive Gamblers and met my now boss. I did pass the class but I don’t have the necessary hours to be a counselor. However; once again everything in my life does work out for the very best.

It is hard to believe the holiday season is rapidly approaching with Thanksgiving only one week away. I have so much in my life to be thankful for and it starts with my family. My wife is incredible, my daughter and son are incredible and so is my life. The holidays are a very special time of the year but no matter the “special” day all my days are extra special.

Yesterday we had a parent/teacher conference with my son’s third grade teacher. This was a different type of conference that my wife and I had as compared with the conferences with our daughter’s teachers. Our daughter has spoiled us because she is a great student through and through and requires little to no attention. My son on the other hand requires much more attention and it appears he is at a crossroads in his scholastic career. The teacher stated “he is a good kid” which did mean a great deal; however he is struggling with reading. This isn’t a surprise and last year he received special attention but do to the budget cuts this year that special attention has gone away. I have confidence in my son because it is apparent he can do the work but he is so easily distracted.

The teacher was great explaining the process to us and she put it very succinctly that the current system is very hard on an active third grade boy. My son would rather play outside than do anything else in the world so getting him in front of a book has been a challenge. He could very well be on “fence” but I do believe he will move to the right side of the fence and straighten things out. He really is a sweet kid and it is up to us to provide the delicate balance he needs to move in that proper direction. I am sure there will be some bumps on the way but once again everything will indeed work out for the very best.