Saturday, September 29, 2007

Another Member Departing 9/29 - 9/30

I am such a wuss when it comes to the cold. Last night the weather turned cooler – not so much colder but cooler. Yet, I donned a beanie, sweatshirt, and wool gloves. I am like a little old woman who never seems to get warm! All I need to complete my wardrobe is a shawl. I may never leave my room in December or January. I even made a hot cup of steaming tea last night. My goodness, what is wrong with me?

I almost talked my self out of running today as I almost went over to the Harvard Wall. After breakfast was served, I started earlier than usual and ran for 2 hours. I covered 15 miles in this time period and had much more left in my tank. This was the longest I have run since arriving here 4 months ago. One of these Saturdays I intend to do 30 miles which would be a good training method for the marathons I want to run next year. The run was excellent and I felt great when I was done. The pain in my calf is gone and the pain in the upper part of my left foot is still there but not as prominent as it has been over the week.

After writing 5 letters this morning, I went over to a friend’s room who is a member of “The View” and is departing tomorrow. This is the first time someone I know relatively well will be paroling. I went over to his room because the day before a person paroles, he has a locker sale. It is more of a giveaway than a sale. No one wants to take certain items home with them such as food and clothing so these things are given away. I walked away with a new lunchbox filled with pens, paper, envelopes, Gatorade, brand new tee shirts and other clothing in great shape. I also cane away with a brand new beard trimmer, even though I don’t have a beard! Hmmn, maybe I’ll grow one now that I have a trimmer??

I have gotten close to this friend over the past month as we cleaned the bathrooms together. This was his first term and most likely his last. The circumstances which brought him to prison were tragic and yet another horrible example of what an addiction can do to a person. I will miss him but I am very happy he is going home tomorrow. Everyone here does have a release date which is a wonderful thing. My friend has served close to 20 months and it is time for his release. I am the next one in our “circle of four” to parole but in the meantime I will continue to enjoy one day at a time.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Test in Patience

My mother was kind enough to send me 3 novels by her favorite author, Harlan Coben. I asked for them and she graciously sent them. As I was picking them up in the office, I quickly became confused because I was informed in a very subtle manner that I could only receive packages from approved vendors and Amazon was not on that list. I did receive the books and I thought we could receive them from any publisher (directly) or bookseller such as Amazon or Barnes and Nobel but in my reluctance to question authority, I remained silent. This may have been a miscommunication and my hope is that books can come from those areas because the approved vendor list appeared to only be for quarterly packages. I am very fortunate to receive anything and I was very grateful for the books.

As I was picking these up, I inquired about the possible family visit I would like to have with my wife in November. Three weeks ago I thought I had committed a capital offense when I first asked about the visit. Well, last night “Could you please remind me what the issue was,” was the response I received. Thankfully, I am a very patient person and I didn’t make any exasperated gestures (even though inside I was truly frustrated.) I did refresh the issue and apparently no follow-up has been performed. This is what I had expected and I had to take a deep breath and say, “Thank you.” In summary, I am no closer to scheduling the family visit then I was three weeks ago when I inquired. The good thing is I wasn’t read the “riot act” this time so everything (even though it doesn’t seem this way) is progressing.

I called my wife last night to tell her about the meeting. She wasn’t expecting my telephone call until today but nevertheless, it is always great to hear her voice. I did most of the talking recounting the meeting and following up on the IRS paperwork I had sent her. Apparently, my wife is a few steps ahead of me as she had already received this paperwork along with talking to her tax attorney. He is hers alone – not mine – as there has to be a clear and distinct separation between the two of us on the tax issues. Thankfully, my wife is not obligated for the tax liabilities even though we filed a joint return. The IRS and the state of California have protection for “Innocent Spouses” in these matters. This is certainly a positive because my wife knew nothing of my misdeeds. She has adjusted very well to life without me as she has a handle on everything. She works all week long and takes great care of the children. I know she is extremely busy and time is passing very quickly. Of course I would do anything to help her but I still have 5 months before I can.

As the telephone call ended, I went back to my room to read the mail I had received. I received three pieces from my most loyal writers – my mother, sponsor, and nephew. My mother is great because she sent me information on the IRS and how to deal with taxes owed to the IRS. The info was very useful and also there was a fantastic picture of my daughter sitting in her hotel room on vacation. The picture captured my daughter perfectly and with the water in the backdrop made for a wonderful picture. I stared at this picture for a long while and compared it to the other pictures I have hanging by my bed (which were taken back in July) and I cannot believe how much older she looks!

The rest of the night I read the newspaper and all the depressing news. It appears this is a good time not to own a home as foreclosures are at all time highs. What I can’t figure out is why prices have not dropped significantly. All of the account I have read state that the housing market is in a decline yet the home prices remain flat when compared to a year ago. The home builders supposedly have a mass of new hones in their inventory so why hasn’t there been a drop in prices? The reports also state that the housing slump is here to stay for at least a few years. I do wonder how anyone can pay 50 to 60 percent of their annual income to housing costs like some people do in California, NJ, NY and Connecticut. Maybe I should have my parole transferred to Texas as the least expensive homes are found!

I do know that someday – not too far away – I will own a home with my wife. Where that home will be located, I really don’t know, but the only that that matters is we will be together. I often long to see my children and interact with them as this has been the most difficult part of the past 14 months. I am concentrating on all the blessing in my life and know I will be with them soon enough. In the meantime, I have to settle for photographs, letters, and hearing their voices on the telephone. It is going to be a wonderful reunion with them. At times there has been a dark tunnel with doors locked for a very long time, but slowly the locks are coming open and so are the doors. Somewhere along the way, the tunnel has brightened with so much goodness and I am forever grateful.

Today marked an end (actually a beginning) for the person who helps me clean the bathrooms. This person who I also consider a friend gets to go home on Sunday. He has fulfilled the terms of his sentence and will be paroled in two days. Today was his last day cleaning the bathroom. The cleaning supplies – if I may? – have been passed to another person who I also consider a friend. I have been very fortunate to meet these two people and they are good people!

Thursday, September 27, 2007

What an Afternoon!

I’ll get right to it since I had an extremely interesting afternoon today! I had reported in a prior blog that my previous employer had wanted to come see me regarding some issues they were currently having. This started back in early July and due to the fires, the meeting could not be scheduled. This morning as I checked in for work, the Sergeant called me into his office and informed me that someone from my previous employer would be here this afternoon to see me. He mentioned the person’s name which did not ring a bell with me. As soon as I got this information, I couldn’t wait for this afternoon and the ensuing meeting. Finally 2:00 pm rolled around and I noticed a car pulling into the parking lot. I watched as two people emerged and I did not recognize either one of them.

Shortly after their arrival, my name was announced and I went to the office. I was told to enter the conference room which I did. The two gentlemen entered the room and introductions were made. As it turns out, these two people were NOT from my previous employer. They were business consultants hired by my employer who were looking into a whole host of issues. They immediately assured me I was not in any trouble and relayed some very interesting information from the people I used to work with. According to them, everyone I used to work with said very good things about me and that I was well liked. In fact, according to them my old boss had gotten over my betrayal to him, and sort of understands why I did what I did. This was interesting to hear.

Over the course of the next 90 minutes, we discussed an array of subjects and people. Before I go any further, I must say that a few (actually many) people have given me advice on what to say and what not to say. I took all this advice into consideration, also the advice which told me to find out what is in store for me. Ultimately, I followed what I perceived to be the right thing. I have thought a great deal prior to this meeting and now that it is done, I have no regrets. These people wanted to pick my brain about certain people and events. I did offer my opinion, but I couldn’t give them any hard cold facts. I was surprised at who was the center of their investigation – even though it had many off shoots. I didn’t incriminate anyone nor did I incriminate myself. I am very pleased as to how I handled the discussion because I was honest. Also, for those 90 minutes, I felt like I was back on my old job discussing procedures and controls with colleagues. The words were flowing out of me and it felt great. Here I was an inmate, yet I felt like a professional again. I admired the two people who came for the meeting and we got along very well. I didn’t reveal any “dead bodies” for the simple fact I don’t know of any. I was fairly insulated in my previous position but I was a very good observer of many things. I know people very well and felt very confident in my words.

After the 90 minutes, as we were saying good-bye and shaking hands, I said to one of them, “ In 5 months when I get out I am going to need a job.” I said this very matter of factly, but the response I got surprised me. “Give me a call when you get out and I do mean that.” I was surprised to hear this and it did bring a smile to my face. These people consult on fraud issues which would be perfect for me since I know fraud firsthand. I was able to obtain a business card and I will follow-up very soon.

Now an even more fascinating part of my afternoon commenced. Prior to departing from the conference room, the Sergeant (who was present for the entire discussion) said to me, “Do you know what you are going to tell those guys when you leave?” He was referring to my fellow inmates who would be very curious as to why I was in the conference room with two strangers. This was very thoughtful of the Sergeant to bring this up and I replied, “Yes.” Of course, there are no secrets in this camp because everyone knows everyone else’s business. What I didn’t realize was how quickly I would be confronted about this meeting. As soon as I walked out of the office, I was asked about the meeting. I decided the truth was what I would say and this is exactly what I did. I gave quick highlights of the meeting and the good news about a possible job offer.

It is truly funny how quickly the rumors spread while I was in the conference room. Some inmates had me being interrogated by the FBI while others had me in discussions with attorneys and local law enforcement. The comment or rather question which struck me odd was “Are you okay?” This was asked 2 separate times by inmates who I know well but not that well. I guess they had genuine concern for me to know everything was all right. I am not sure how often these types of meetings take place my guess would be not too often so this was unusual circumstances. I believe most inmates could be concerned that I was not ratting anyone out and I certainly did not do that. However, perception around here is reality and I have no control over anyone’s perception. I told the truth this afternoon and to those inmates who asked me I told them the truth. I trust and believe everything is going to be okay because I continue to do the right thing and therefore, good things happen.

I did not have to replay what I said this afternoon because I have no regrets. Usually I beat myself up with I should have said this or that but I am very sure of everything I said this afternoon. I cannot control the rumor mill nor do I have any desire. People will think what they want to think and this is something I accept. I am in a good place, but as my mother says, “Don’t get too comfortable.” I won’t delude myself into anything but ultimately my actions are on the proper path and it is truly magnificent.

This afternoon was a journey back in time for me, but instead of feeling sorry for myself, I feel great. What I did back then was wrong in everyway possible, but I am not a bad person. Thankfully, I am on the road to recovery and continue to be a better person each and everyday.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Kismet - Karma - What is it Called?

With all the recreational activities shut down there were more inmates milling about the camp than normal. I haven’t seen this many people hanging out at camp since I arrived here over 4 months ago. Our table was taken and my friends from “The View” made alternative plans for the evening. This was my cue to go back to the room and just relax. (Not like I have many stresses on me!) When my roommate returned the two of us and a neighbor talked. This new room arrangement is working out fabulous. The dorm is even more quiet than the previous one and my neighbor receives the USA Today newspaper on a daily basis which he lends out to my roommate and me. This was the second day in a row that I read a newspaper that was current. This may not sound like much, but in this environment it is. Before reading the newspaper, the three of us talked and the talk centered on “million dollar ideas.” My neighbor had a great idea (which I won’t say because someone else may use it) and each day I am amazed at the resourcefulness of my fellow inmates. I have stopped looking for that “million dollar” plan and now I enjoy each moment. This is a step in the right direction for me because I remember when I was much younger thinking of microwave popcorn (before it was marketed) and seedless watermelon (before that was developed). I have had other clunker ideas which I won’t focus on but now living in the moment and living for today has cleared my mind. There may be a “million dollar idea” out there for me but I am not fixated on the quick buck.

As we were reading the newspaper, my neighbor commented on how negative all the stories were, centering on murder, rape, robbery and other assorted crimes. Sure there is a thrown in story about something positive, but the majority is negative. It seems to me we live in a society that thrives on the negative. What about the wonderful selfless volunteers all across the country and the world for that matter who give of themselves to service? This is what humanity is all about because I believe everyone is born with goodness – then somewhere along the way, negativity wears us down. I remember reading in THE POWER OF INTENTION that one lady who took Dr Dyer’s seminar stopped the newspaper and stopped watching the news because she wanted to rid herself of negative influences. This to me is a wonderful idea. I am not at this stage currently because I like to know what is going on in the world today. I need to think more about this because truthfully, the negative stories in the newspaper have no bearing on my life so why do I need to read it? This is something for me to think about.

Last night, as I was awakened by the brightness of the full moon, I made alternative plans to exercise in the morning since the recreation facilities and allegedly the track were closed. As I walking outside, I saw the officer on duty who asked if I was going to run. Upon hearing this, my comment was, “Can I run?” Much to my surprise I was told yes! This was unbelievable timing – kismet, karma, or whatever it is called. As strange as it may sound, I pre-planned my morning workout last night without the possibility of running. This was all changed within an instant as I saw the officer. I thought the track was closed, but it certainly was not. I was more than happy to do my early morning run. The only caveat was I couldn’t run on the hill as this was considered closed. I realize I have written this before but those 90 minutes (today it was 100 minutes) goes by so quickly. I start out in the dark and end right as the sun is rising. The camp was exceedingly quiet this morning as it seemed everyone stayed in their dorms. Yes, I was very grateful for the unexpected morning run and it is wonderful how everything continues to workout for the very best.

During breakfast today, there seemed to be a bit of a controversy of our table arrangements. The dining hall has a capacity to seat 95 people and there are 120 people in camp. Therefore, there is some overlapping in the tables. My friends have been here for at least 7 months and have “earned” their table. We purposely come in at the end of the serving so the table will be cleared. Well last night there were some new arrivals who were sitting at our table when we came in. One of my friends politely spoke with these new arrivals and briefed them on the protocol. This was a bit rocky, but I think they got the point since the table was cleared this morning when we arrived in the dining hall. Prison life is centered around respect. This is a little different than the respect I have practiced all my life. In prison, respect is inherent and does permeate daily life. This isn’t right or wrong nor is it for me to agree or disagree – it is what it is. The facts of the table arrangement are the following: seating is earned with time; the more time here the better seat, and this is the way it has been for years. I believe things have been ironed out, but really in the grand scheme of life this makes no difference; however, it is part of my temporary environment.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

No "Heroes"

Last night being Monday night meant the “drive thru” (it is actually called “drive by” here, but for me that makes no sense) dinner so everyone can take their hot dogs and hamburgers along with the rest of the dinner with them to watch Monday Night Football. The kitchen has instituted drive thru Monday night dinner, and yesterday was the first time that everyone was in camp to attend the dinner. Since it is a “drive thru”, no one is allowed to eat in the dining hall. Some folks do take there dinners to the television room to watch the game. Other folks, like me, take their food to one of the picnic tables. The weather was quite nice last night, and I enjoyed sitting outside with my friends eating my garden burger and Boca sausage. We sat at the base of the hill and ate in a very tranquil setting. Someone commented about how it really didn’t feel like prison. This was a very interesting comment as it doesn’t feel like a traditional prison. I have encountered these prisons on my journey, and I consider myself blessed by being here at fire camp. There are so many benefits here at fire camp, and the last four months have flown by. I certainly would rather be having dinner with my family having dinner, but this is not an option for me currently. I will return to them a much better husband and father than I have ever been. There isn’t any reason for me to lament my current station in life, which is why I am grateful for everything in my life.

Dinner was over and a few of my friends went to watch the game. I had not desire to watch it, so I remained outside talking with my roommate. We talked about respective journeys through the California prison system. We shared a great deal of similarities in our experiences, mostly centered around food and finding our way. I must say we both did a good job and have ended up in the same place. This goes to my “there are no coincidences in life.” I am very fortunate to have found my roommate, and laughter is, indeed, a great elixir. We do spend most of our time laughing, which is a far cry for the both of us from when we first started this journey. As we were talking, I discovered my roommate like the television program “Heroes” which I, too, started watching in Jamestown. As fate would have it, yesterday was the season premier for “Heroes”; however, the people here at the camp don’t share our enthusiasm as it was not shown. Oh well, I guess I will have to catch up on the episodes when I am released in five-plus months. Instead, we were able to read a copy of a current USA Today newspaper. Finding current, especially the same day, newspapers is a rare occurrence, so I relished reading this newspaper. After discussing certain articles, it was time to turn in for the evening.

There are a few early risers in the new dorm that start off with an alarm clock alarm at 4:30 a.m. I force myself to say in bed for the next 30 minutes and then start my day. The temperature wasn’t nearly as cold as it had been, but was still a lovely early morning. I did get a great workout, and it was on to start the workday.

For the most part my days are very similar, and there are certain events which happen in camp that I really pay no attention to. It is only when these events affect me that I do pay attention. Today, one of these events happened, and it was very reminiscent to when I first arrived. One of the inmates was caught drinking alcohol. The logical question would be how did he obtain alcohol in this setting? I don’t have the answer, but many of my fellow inmates are very resourceful, and if they want something bad enough, they will get it. Obviously, this is against the rules, and the inmate was rolled up (sent back to regular prison). The punishment does not stop there. Since it was alcohol, the entire camp has been punished, and the punishment is the recreation area has been shut down for the next three days. The recreation area consists of the television room, billiard room, hobby (wood crafts) room, weight area, hill, and track. I could care less about most of these areas, but the closing of the track and hill for the next three days does affect me. Running is my morning ritual, and I just started to get into a good groove; however, this is part of my powerlessness as I have no control over this event, and gratefully, I do accept this. I do want to do the right thing, so I will ask before doing my exercising. It really only comes down to the next two days, and if I have to sleep in over the next two days, so be it!! Acceptance is wonderful.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Sabbatical??

At this very moment, it is Monday afternoon, and I am sitting at a picnic table. It is located at the foot of the hill in the back of the camp. As I look to the hill, I can see squirrels running around, rabbits jumping about, and not one cloud in the sky. On top of the hill rests a white cross that is 12 feet high. No one seems to know the significance of the cross, and I remember my mother writing me about this when she visited last week. I didn’t have an answer, and she surmised that it was an escape attempt gone bad! I don’t believe that was the case. The temperature is in the low 80’s with a slight breeze. If ever there was a tranquil setting, this is it! I can only hear the wind rustle the trees, and I am at peace. When I entered the prison system over 14 months ago, this setting was the furthest thing from my mind. I am forever grateful for this sabbatical which has allowed me to continue on the right path.

I don’t know the proper definition of sabbatical, but I have seen it often enough to know this journey I am on has turned into one. Over 2-1/2 years ago, my world was spinning out of control and came crashing down on me. Instead of hiding and blaming, I took responsibility for my actions. I was hoping against hope to avoid prison back then, but now I am grateful for this opportunity. I do miss my family so very much, but they are doing extremely well. My daughter has started the fourth grade, my son has started first grade, and my wife in an assistant to an attorney. Everything continues to work out for the best. I have five-plus months remaining on my sabbatical, and then I enter the real world. Life does pose some challenges along with frustration, which is why I must remember this very afternoon as I enjoy peace and tranquility. Yes, the setting here does lend itself to serenity, but ultimately, my serenity comes from inside. Challenges (I like to refer to these as opportunities) lie ahead, but the foundation I continue to build will carry me through one day at a time into a glorious achievement.

This is my fourth week as the bathroom porter, and I certainly have made the right decision. Yesterday marked four months since I arrived here, and I cannot believe how fast those four months have gone. One month ago today on my 42nd birthday, I was at a fire in Santa Barbara, which feels like just yesterday. Time has a tendency to slip right on by, and as I wind down this journey, I have a whole new appreciation for time. I have said this in the past, but it bears a reiteration, “I am doing time, but time isn’t doing me.” In a sense, every person on this planet is doing time in one way or another. The key for me is to make the very best of this time. Yes, I would rather do this time with my family at my side, but that is not an option. I am making the very best of this time and growing as a person. I have discovered a new way to live, and I will take this with me for the rest of my life. Recovery has been so good to me, and discovering the works of Mr. Dyer has been a Godsend. This may seem strange, but I was on the right path all along. I just let my gambling addition get the best of me, and as it turned out, this has saved my life because I finally did, and am doing, something about it. It may be the hard way, but I am learning.

I have met some magnificent people over the course of the past 2-1/2 years inside and outside of prison. Many of these magnificent people are associated with the Gamblers Anonymous program. Even people who no longer attend the meetings, for whatever reason, have touched my life. I realize 12-step programs aren’t for everyone, but I am glad to have had an opportunity to meet these people. The same thing goes for the people I have met in prison. Some of us made bad choices which lead to bad consequences; however, thanks to recovery, the bad has turned into good.

Last night, I had the pleasure of speaking with my mother on the telephone for the first time since our visit last week. She has returned to New Jersey after spending a few days with my sister and her family in Colorado. As always, it is wonderful speaking with my mother, and we talked for 30 minutes. She did tell me the visit was much better than she expected. I knew the visit was going to be great, but it turned out even better than that. Yes, it has now been over one week since I saw my mother and sister. Now, my hope is that my wife will be out here for a family visit in November. I still haven’t heard any word on this from the powers that be, and I will be as patient as I can. I know everything will work out perfectly. The conversation with my mother was outstanding, and my love for her grows more and more each day. I am blessed, and my mother is one of these blessings. The telephone call ended, and I wandered into the television room to watch a little of the Sunday night football game, but it wasn’t much of a game so I headed back to my room and went to sleep.

My new room has a few early risers (even earlier than me), and there is much more early morning activity than in the previous dorm. This is okay by me because my early morning routine went uninterrupted. I got a great workout. Today, being Monday, was the start of my work week and the last week for my friend who helps clean the bathrooms. He is paroling on this coming Sunday. He is completing about 20 months of a 24-month sentence. This is a little more than I will serve but very close. I am very excited for him, and I couldn’t help but think of how I will feel doing my last week—the words excited, ecstatic, joyful, and happy come to mind. This system has a way of putting many of us on guard, which is why he isn’t yet ready to feel these things. I can understand because “you never know” runs rampant in this system. I do believe everything is going to go well, and come Sunday morning, he will walk out with a big smile on his face. I will reach my last week soon enough, but for now, I will concentrate on one day at a time.

The day continued to be peaceful. I received three pieces of mail – one from my mother, one from a dear friend in GA, and the GA monthly bulletin. All three were great reading material, and I am so grateful to receive the bulletin. I spent some time reading and then started to compose this entry. Today was an absolutely beautiful and tranquil day.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Love the Meetings/Visit

All this morning I was focused on the every two-week GA meeting/visit. I realize I have written about this before but these visits make my day, week, month and year. Today five very dear members arrived into the visiting area. Two weeks ago there were five as well but today only one had been here two weeks ago. This is wonderful because it means 9 dear friends had visited with me in the past 2 weeks. Two of these dear members were people I have not seen since I entered prison in July of 2006. The meeting was fantastic and the energy emanating from each member was fabulous. There is a saying in GA, “Who you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here.” So, I cannot comment on what specifically was said, but I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt, I related everyone’s sharing. This is what I enjoy most about the meetings that I have an instant connection with every member. Today the energy level seemed very high and I have fed off of the energy all day. On a personal note a very dear member is having a surgical procedure tomorrow and they are in my thoughts and prayers. This particular member is very near and dear to me. They have gone out of their way to support and love me through this entire journey. I am eternally grateful and know everything will work out great!

This morning during the meeting, the temperature was very cool and the cement picnic table made things even cooler. As the meeting portion wrapped up we moved to a standing position in the sun and we started the visiting portion. The subject of where I would be living when I am released was broached. The answer to this does remain somewhat of a mystery. This ties into the discussion I had last night with my roommate about where I would be living when I parole. Quite frankly, I am not tied to any geographic location and my main concern is being with my family. We could live on Mars and that would be okay with me. I have come a long way because a short time ago I was dead set against certain geographic locations, but now it doesn’t matter. In my mind I have visualized what I want to do when I am released, but I have not visualized where I am going to live in a physical sense. Gratefully, I have a dear friend who has offered me a place to stay if I remain in California. Additionally, if for some chance the opportunity in Las Vegas is reprised, I too have a place to reside – also thanks to very dear friends. Finally, if I am able to move to New Jersey, there are plenty of temporary places that I can live with my family, thanks to very dear family members. There is some uncertainty regarding my parole status, but I know whatever the resolution, it will be for the very best.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Moving Across

Today my roommate and I move into another dorm. He had to move because all of the clerks need to be in one central dorm. Normally, the move is very easy because most of my belongings are contained in my locker. It really is a matter of moving lockers. This move was to another dorm, not just down the hall. There is a dolly available which makes the move less difficult. However, today for some reason, we were not allowed to move lockers. They had to remain in their respective rooms. This made things more difficult because my locker is filled to capacity. Compounding matters - the locker in my new room has 3 less shelves than my current locker and did not have the extended shelf. Also, moving also means taking the bed with you to be switched out with the remaining bed. This too was disallowed. It really didn’t matter to me because the beds were the same; however, my roommate has one of the few softer beds which he wanted to keep.

I don’t know why this has to be difficult, but it is the world I live in. In this environment where there is a will there is a way and my roommate found a way. Interesting we took the ?blinds? (hard to read) and I felt I was doing something illegal. This coming from a person who is here on an embezzlement charge probably sounds amusing, but it is the truth. I guess I have come along way in a short period of time. Essentially, we moved across the way into another dorm. Now I have a great view of the back hill which is extremely serene. This dorm is filled with just guys who are in campers so it makes sense I am here. I do know guys in the dorm very well so there isn’t any adjustment. I am still at the far end of the hall, but on the opposite side. I shouldn’t lose my way when I get up in the middle of the night. Another benefit about being in this dorm is the central bathroom is used by 24 less people, but it is the same size as the other bathroom. This means it will be less crowded and I can say from experience, this bathroom is much cleaner than the other one.

I must say I am really looking forward to eating a leisurely dinner upon my release in 5 months plus. My friends and I like to go to dinner at the latest possible time due to seating issues. By the time we enter the dining room, our regular table is unoccupied. There is a downside to this which is having to eat rather quickly. Making matters more complicated is when I go up for seconds. I cannot possible eat fast enough to consume all the food on my tray. A case in point was tonight when I went up for more salad, beans, and potatoes. I could only eat the salad and thankfully I brought my bowl so I could take the beans and potatoes to my room. Ever since I came to prison, eating has been a race. Over the course of time and as I have passed through the system, the quick pace of eating has lessened. However, it is still very fast and it will be very nice to finally eat at my own pace. There is little to no conversation because everyone is concentrating on eating their food. It certainly gives a new meaning to eating rapidly.

Friday, September 21, 2007

This Too Shall Pass

Yes, there are no coincidences in my life and today was a glaring example. Part of my daily ritual is reading CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS… by Wayne Dyer. This book is meant to be read one verse per day and I have been doing this for the past 15 days. Today was the 16th verse which was titled “Living with Constancy”. The passage is extremely prophetic as it discusses the only constant in life is change. Once a person recognizes this, it is not a disruptive part of life; it is a valuable step toward peace and harmony. All things come and go. Life materializes in a variety of forms – it’s here, and then at some point it ends in what is called death. This coming and going might seem to be a temporary condition, but it’s actually the ultimate constant because it NEVER ceases. Embracing this nature of cyclical change and reality thrive.

I took this passage to heart especially with the letter I received from the IRS yesterday. The passage goes on to say, “This too shall pass”. This phrase exemplifies there is only one real constant in life – change. Everything is in a cycle of coming and going – EVERYTHING. There are no exceptions. I started my journey of recovery over 2 ½ years ago and during that time I have been an inmate within the Ca Prison system. My time as an inmate will come to an end in a little over 5 months, but I will continue my recovery. There is a great deal of wreckage I have accumulated over the years such as owing large dollar amounts. However, I do know this too shall pass as so eloquently stated by Dr Dyer. The past did rear its ugly head yesterday and I was taken aback; however, I know it will pass because everything comes and goes. My past is over and I do know everything will be resolved positively.

Yesterday, I wrote about my release date and how it possibly was calculated incorrectly. Today I went over the formula more thoroughly and came out with a date of February 27th, 2008. I’m not certain how I came up with the date I did yesterday, but I am certain it is either February 27th or 28th depending on rounding.

Okay, I will now BORE most of you with a story about cleaning the bathrooms – so very sorry. On Friday I use bleach as a main cleaning ingredient because for all intents and purposes, the bathrooms don’t get thoroughly clean until Monday – since I am off on Saturdays and Sundays. The best course of action is a heavy dose of bleach. I may have added too much bleach because my eyes started to water and I was coughing. I had to step outside for a few minutes to clear my head. Who knew cleaning bathrooms could be hazardous to my health?! As I was cleaning, every person who came through remarked about the smell of bleach which was one of my intended purposes. At the very least the bathrooms smelled clean and as long as I stayed away from the direct vapors everything was okay. In the prison system bleach is something that is very regulated because I had to receive a sign-off before taking possession of the bleach bottle. I’m not sure why this chemical is more important than other chemicals but it just is. Also, cleaning with a high pressure hot hose does work wonders and I think regular households should have built in drains within the bathrooms. Cleaning is made so much easier and efficient with the high pressure hot hose. Enough of the bathroom story, the point is I made it through without asphyxiating myself.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Ah, Yes, The Past

The days have hit a very nice rhythm and are passing very quickly. Since I have come in camp, my days are stress free and I have little to report. Just when I thought things were going fine, a rather large envelope came in the mail today from the Internal Revenue Service. Back in February, I met with an agent while I was in Jamestown. This meeting was unusual because we never discussed dollar amounts as to the taxes I owed. I thought this meeting went well and it was the last time I heard from the IRS – until the envelope came in the mail. Ah, yes, the past keeps sneaking up on me and I know I cannot change this but apparently the IRS can! Since I never claimed the embezzled money on my tax returns, I owe them unpaid taxes.

Inside the envelope were very impressive calculations of the taxes I now owe. During the meeting in February, we only spoke about the tax year 2004; however, in the envelope were recalculations for 2003 and 2004 during the embezzlement period. I quickly glanced at the summary sheet and saw the tax amount I owed for both years. Yes, it is quite significant but not unexpected. As I read further through the report, I noticed interest and penalties were tacked on to the unpaid tax amount. These interest and penalties were more than the unpaid taxes. In fact, the amount I now owe the IRS is over half of what was stolen. CRIME CERTAINLY DOES NOT PAY! According to the letter attached to the documents, I have 10 days to refile the claim and if I agree I must pay in full by the next 30 days or the interest will continue to accumulate. I really cannot refute the charges but I do have a question about the money I have already repaid because I believe this should be a deduction to the taxes owed. I did not see any allowance for this amount. Also, and more importantly, I have no way to pay this debt currently and I fear the interest accumulation alone will preclude me from paying this debt ever.

I continue to advance in my recovery and advance in living a peaceful serene life; however, as soon as I saw the envelope with the marking IRS, my heart dropped. I do my best to let go of the past and live positively for today; however the past keeps popping up on me. There is absolutely nothing I can do to change the events of my past and I am now suffering the consequences. I cannot dwell on this large bill, but on the same token, I am having difficulty of letting go. I need to work through this with my dear friends from GA who will be here on Sunday. I have no desire to gamble but those events of the past do haunt me on days like today. THE POWER OF INTENTION was tested today and I do know I am on the right path.

I have many questions regarding what I received today and I do plan on doing what I can from in here. The ironic part about this is my roommate has the same dilemma. He, too, has more questions than answers so we are both in the same predicament. He also owes a significant amount to the IRS so we can commiserate together. I took a few steps back as I read through the forms, but I will be back to my usual self shortly.

The joke goes, “So, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the rest of the day?” What is going to happen is going to happen. I did spend most of the rest of the day crunching numbers – no, not the IRS, but the numbers I received on the calculation of my new release date. The worksheet for the calculation is not exactly easy, but I did follow the methodology. I discovered what I thought was an error. I went over this 5 different times and came up with the same number. If I am correct, my release date should be February 24th which is a savings of 7 days. I need to write to the person who made the calculation so an adjustment can be made. With dates of 2009 and 2010, I realize how grateful I am to be getting out in 5 ½ months. Anyhow I did what I thought was correct; now I will wait for a response.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

"Flat Stanley"

I forgot to mention one of the funnier moments over the weekend when my mother and sister visited. My mother saw me and put her hand on my stomach in a downward motion and said to one of our friends, “Who was that character we used as a teaching aide for geography?” Our friend replied “Flat Stanley.” “Yes!” My mother said, and she went on to say that I resembled Flat Stanley since I am so flat (skinny!). Along this same line, I received a very nice note from my mother yesterday. In the note she noticed me walking back to the camp with two other inmates and I looked so “little” compared to those inmates, but she went on to write that my face and body look so healthy. Yes, I am one of, if not the, skinniest persons here at camp, but I do feel great. This has a lot to do with my peace of mind and the fact that I exercise almost every day. It is great how I have found peace of mind in prison, and I am doing all the right things to have a wonderful life.

Things happen that have the potential to disrupt my peace of mind. One of these events transpired yesterday during the checkout. When checkout rolls around, my job is over for the day. I have showered and changed into a clean pair of “oranges.” Since I started the in-camp job, I have always worn my shower shoes to checkout. This has not been an issue up until yesterday. I am required to wear both my orange shirt and orange pants. Also, the shirt must be tucked into the pants. I do abide by this rule all of the time. No one has ever made a big deal regarding the shower shoes, and most of the guys at checkout are wearing their shower shoes or sandals as well. As it turns out, I was in the wrong place yesterday since I was the first person in line for checkout. I was dressed appropriately with my shirt tucked into my pants; however, for some reason, the shower shoes were unacceptable yesterday. I ascribe to the theory of the path of least resistance, which works great for me. I take nothing in this environment personally and let everything go. Sure, I was made an example of yesterday in front of everyone; however, this will not upset my peace of mind. The regulations may appear to be subjective, but I have come to accept this wholeheartedly. Now I know I cannot wear my shower shoes to checkout, and I won’t do this anymore. Life is filled with so many lessons, and I am grateful for every learning experience.

Since the temperature has been dropping, I dug into my locker and took out a sweatshirt. I don’t know what it is, but I am feeling colder than I have in a very long time. I have to reassure myself that I will make it through the winter months, but I am going to need layers!! Last night, I was hoping to speak my with mother, who was at my sister’s house as she made her way back to New Jersey. I’m sure they were out doing something fun. The remainder of the night I talked with my roommate.

The weather was very dreary this morning with low clouds and drizzle. The air temperature wasn’t too cold as I started my run. I certainly have much more time to myself since I took the in-camp position, and I can exercise later in the day, but I really enjoy starting my day off with exercise. I went to breakfast and cleaned the bathrooms. Sure, my day was more of the same as the previous day, but my peace of mind continues to build. I am grateful for every day, and my life is truly magnificent.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Is Parole Changing?

I was able to commandeer a local newspaper yesterday. There was an article regarding a pilot program which will start in mid-November. The program is designed to reduce the parole period for certain parolees to six months. The parolees must be nonviolent and be at a very low risk. The program will be initiated in Orange County, and if successful, this will roll out to all counties by mid 2008. The unfortunate part is I will not be paroling to Orange County, so I would be ineligible for this program. The article did not get into specifics regarding when it would be rolled out in all counties, only mentioning mid 2008. I parole in early 2008, and I wonder if this could be applied retroactively to me shortening my parole period to just six months. Of course, I have no way of knowing, nor will I know until next year. Six months of being on parole is much better than 13 months or three years, which is required. Apparently, much of the overcrowding is due to parolees who violate parole. According to the article, a little less than 50% of the entire prison population in California is comprised of parole offenders. This appears to be a step in the right direction, and I only hope it will apply to me next year. Only time will tell, but this is very encouraging news.Autumn is in the air, and if history is any predictor, we are not finished with summer yet; however, the change has been noticeable, and I have been told the winter does get cold. The fact that winter is fast approaching is certainly a positive. My release date is March 2nd, and I am getting closer. I made it through Jamestown in the wintertime, and I will make it through here.The morning began with my exercise routine. The bathrooms got cleaned last night as a few inmates were fulfilling their extra duty assignments. This made for easy work for me this morning as. It seems these days are starting to accelerate even faster now that I have gotten in a rhythm. I read for an hour, and the morning was over. Lunchtime was spent outside enjoying the beautiful weather followed by my Tuesday double workout session. These days have hit a certain rhythm, and even though not much differs from day to day, they do go by quickly, and I continue to gain more peace of mind with every passing day. It was wonderful to hear my mother tell me that I look like I am at peace. This is so true because I am at peace, and the combination of my recovery along with progressing through this journey gives me the peace I have been seeking for so long. My days are tranquil, peaceful, and serene. I will carry this with me as I parole to the free world. I am finding my true self, and no matter the outside situation, I will continue to stay centered which provides much of the peace I have found. Things in the outside world happen all the time, and as long as I stay centered, life will be peaceful, serene, and tranquil. I continue to change my thoughts, and subsequently, my life has changed for the better in every way possible.

Monday, September 17, 2007

High Maintenance, Who Me???

Being able to have visits has been an amazing part of my journey. Prior to arriving here in May, I had three visits while I was in Jamestown. Quite frankly, I thought I wouldn’t have any visits while in Jamestown because it was too far from my friends and family; however, thanks to incredibly friends who are all a part of the Gamblers Anonymous Program, I was able to have those visits. Now that I am in close proximity to where many of my friends live, especially those involved in GA, I have had at least one visit every weekend (barring those weekends I was out on fires) since I arrived here. I am truly blessed in every way imaginable, and then some. This past weekend, as I have chronicled, my mother and sister came to visit. My mother came from New Jersey and my sister from Colorado. By the way, a few inmates who were down at visiting over the weekend saw my sister and asked if she were my “twin” sister. Yes, we do look very much alike; however, I’m not sure how my sister feels about being a twin to me. I, on the other hand, am quite flattered. It was magnificent to see them along with our dear friends from Las Vegas.

Going forward, I potentially (I say potentially because the family visit has yet to be rectified) have a family visit with my wife (only) in November, which is less than two months away. The GA meeting/visit meets every two weeks, and I keep getting more friends requesting to visit me in the coming months. I am touched with all the love and support in my life from so many different people.When anyone comes to visit me, they always ask what should they bring. I hate being too forward with this request because their presence is more than enough for me. I never thought of myself as high maintenance when it comes to food, but lately, I am getting the feeling I am, indeed, high maintenance when it comes to food.

Today, another very good friend sent in a visiting form and would like to visit me in mid-October. In the letter, my friend wrote, “Please give me a list of things you would like to bring food-wise, be specific, so I don’t mess up!” Wow, I guess my mother was right all along, I am a pain in the ass (sorry!) when it comes to food.Last night after the incredible visit and incredible food I went back to my room to write. Prior to dinner, the fire alarm sounded and four crews departed the camp. There have been several fires in the vicinity, and even though the temperatures have cooled, the fires have increased due to the winds. Gratefully, I have “retired” from being a firefighter, and now my biggest concern is soap scum!

I found myself in the television room for the second night in a row. I was interested in watching the San Diego Chargers /New England Patriots game. It wasn’t much of a game as New England routed the Chargers. I returned to my room, and I did talk with my roommate before going to sleep. We agreed that this has been a fascinating journey in so many ways. Yes, it certainly has, and this weekend was exceptional all thanks to my mother, sister, and two very dear friends.Here it is another Monday, and the work week commences. The weather is very fall-like and perfect for running. After running and breakfast, it was off to clean the bathrooms. In the evening, I picked up the package from my mother. This is the quarterly package that must be ordered from an approved catalogue. My mother added more items to my package than I had ordered. As I put all the items away, I spoke with two of my friends from “The View” as they made fun of the package order. They took turns guessing the items before I opened the box.

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Visit Second Round

Oh, yes, I was on a “high” from the wonderful visit with my mother, sister, and two very special friends! The rest of yesterday went by quickly. I even found myself inside the television room watching the college football game between USC and Nebraska. After the blowout of the game, I went back to my room. On the way back I spoke with an inmate who is a seasoned veteran in everyway. He certainly “gets it” and I enjoyed our conversation very much. I understood every word and I was very happy to have this conversation. I found my way back to my room where my roommate and another friend from “The View” were talking. I joined in and we continued with another interesting conversation. I was able to drift off to sleep with a smile on my face looking forward to the second round of the visit with my mother and sister.

They arrived right on time as the visiting area opened. In fact they were a tad bit early and were admonished for this. I watched them walk into the visiting area and subsequently my name was announced over the loud speaker. I happily walked down and was greeted with a warm hug by my sister. This was followed up by another warm hug by my mother. Today they came bringing lots of food and did fulfill my requests from yesterday. Yesterday my dear friends who stayed at the same hotel as my mother and sister bought many items to take to the fire camp so my mother and sister didn’t have to stop to buy these. Again, these are wonderful people in my life. (Side note – I do feel funny when people who come to visit me ask what they could bring and what I would want. I tried to avoid this yesterday but was unable to. The truth is I am honored when anyone comes to visit me and food is a complete afterthought. I would be happy with just the company and feel odd replying to the request of “What can we bring you?”) However, my mother and sister pinned me down yesterday REQUIRING a request from me. I hesitantly asked for eggplant parmagiana, foccacia bread with balsamic vinegar, apples with yogurt, and Arizona Tea – light half lemonade and half iced tea. They were able to bring everything and more with the exception of the drink. They went to a restaurant in Palm Springs just to pick up the eggplant (which was not on the menu – and the chef prepared it exclusively). I continue to be amazed with the generosity, kindness, and love which my mother and sister have bestowed upon me. I am so grateful for everything.

Today went even faster than yesterday and I enjoyed every moment. The food was delicious as they even brought corn on the cob which we cooked on the grill. The corn was very sweet and no one needed butter. I’m not sure where the day went because once again we talked, laughed, and ate the entire time. Our conversations covered a wide array of topics and I especially enjoyed the stories about my children. These past two days were incredible. I’m not sure if they will return in the next 5 ½ months and if they do not, I have enough great memories to carry me through. The strange part about it is I cannot remember the last time I had six uninterrupted hours with my mother and sister alone. I’m not sure if this has ever happened in the past. There is so much positive which has come out of my entire journey and yesterday and today exemplifies the blessings in my life. I am a very fortunate person with so much love and support from many people especially my dear mother and dear sister.

The visit had come to an end and I could view it as bittersweet. However, nothing about it is bitter. Yes, they did depart today back to Palm Springs and will be heading back to Colorado tomorrow. I may not see them for another six months, but I am focused on the sweet. I have always had an exceptional family in so many ways and appreciatively I have finally recognized this. I love them with all my heart and what started out as heartbreak 2 ½ years ago has turned into a heartfelt love. I feel this love to my inner core and I am blessed to be in their presence. My life is a fantastic journey and I am experiencing only positives. I have 5 ½ months before I am able to join the free world which will allow me to see all the loving people in my life – not just on the weekends. Recovery is wonderful and my life is wonderful. I had a fantastic weekend and thank my mother, sister, and two very dear friends for filling my heart with love! I love all of you so much!!

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Awesome Visit and a Surprise!


PART ONE


I had no doubt today was going to be a great day but when my roommate was given his 4:00 am wake up call with “rise and shine”, I knew it was going to be that great a day! I woke up prior to the greeting and I had to chuckle when I heard those cheerful words. My poor roommate who has been so sleep deprived over the course of this week was not smiling and was in somewhat of a fog. I did get a big kick out of this greeting and thought it was an awesome way to start the day. I remained staying in bed another hour before getting up.

After my exercise routine, I took my time cleaning up. I took longer than usual shaving and showering. I did want to look good for my mother and sister. I didn’t expect them to arrive when visiting opened at 8:30 am because they arrived late last night into Palm Springs which is over an hour away. I milled about outside eagerly eyeing the visiting area for their arrival. I noticed four people approach and thought this couldn’t be them because it was just my mother and sister who were coming. I turned away and continued talking to a fellow inmate. About a minute later, my name was announced on the loudspeaker informing me I had a visit. I didn’t see my mom or sister walk up so I thought I had missed them when I heard my name called. My heart started racing as I made my way to the office to check-in for the visit. I walked down to the visiting area and as I approached, I spotted my dear mother waving to me. I waved back and then made my way into the visiting area where I saw my sister and two of my cherished friends standing with her. The two dear friends from Las Vegas who visited me last month came today as a surprise and to also visit with my mother and sister. All of them are staying in Palm Springs. I was pleasantly surprised to see our beloved friends. It was going to be even more of an extra special visit with these amazing friends.

I was greeted with warm embraces from everyone. It was incredibly wonderful to hug my mother and sister. My mother looked great and my sister looked fabulous. It is hard to believe I have not seen either of them in 14 months. This is the longest I have ever gone. I don’t know what it is but within minutes it was like old times chatting with my sister, mother, and friends and it was as if I had seen them only a few days ago. It reminded me so much of the good times we used to have when all of us were together!

The visit was magnificent – the only downside was time seemed to accelerate even faster. The first time I looked at my watch, it was noon and I wondered where those first 3 hours had gone. I had a glorious time talking, listening, and laughing. The day was spent with four people who have touched my life in so many ways. My mother did tell me that my eyes were at peace, finally. My goodness how much I missed my mother and sister. These two have been there for me ever since this journey started 2 ½ years ago. Their love and support have been unwavering and I am eternally grateful. I am so blessed with so much love.

The time we spent together went by so fast and I am very happy that my mother and sister will return tomorrow. Our dear friends will be returning to Las Vegas tomorrow morning so the visit will be spent with my mother and sister. I cannot believe how fast today went, but I am grateful to have been able to visit with all four of them today. We were given the 10 minute warning and they started their departure. Once again warm hugs were given and my dear friends told me they will come back to visit again. I thanked them so much for coming and waved as they walked to the car. Just like that, the visit was over but I get to do it again tomorrow.

As fate would have it, my old crew was called out on a fire later this afternoon. Had I been on the crew, I would have been hard pressed to stay here for the visit tomorrow because technically, I am allowed one visit as a hardship when the visitor arrives from over 250 miles away. Thankfully, I no longer have to concern myself with this anymore and I will be here tomorrow for their return visit which I am so looking forward to.

PART TWO


After the visit, I was basking in the glow and telephoned my wife. Since I didn’t talk with my children on Thursday, I called back today. It was great to speak with them especially after seeing the pictures of the Jamaican vacation. Strangely both of my children didn’t sound like themselves and did sound a little down. As it turned out, they were just hungry as they hadn’t eaten dinner. We briefly spoke about the funeral this week and my daughter was the most forthcoming as she said, “Did Mommy tell you about great grandma?” My son on the other hand had an interesting response when I asked him about the funeral as he said, “It was good.” Oh, the perspective of a 6 year old who’s biggest care is playing baseball. I had to laugh when I heard his response because even though he shares the same genes as his sister, the two of them have very different personalities. However, both of them are excellent children and will grow up to be magnificent adults. Today was a highlight day in my prison career and I am blessed in everyway, shape, and form!

Friday, September 14, 2007

Peaking Ahead

There weren’t any “couch sessions” last night, but I did get outside and talk, actually I should say “listen”. I have made a conscious effort to listen more and talk when I feel it is appropriate. Also, I do my best to listen with no judgments and no criticisms. This is a great exercise for me and I am truly doing my best. I am enjoying the evenings very much and continue enhancing my peace of mind. I did manage to fall asleep at my usual time but was awakened very early when my roommate received his wake up call. I fell back to sleep and got up to do my normal exercise routine. As I ran, I thought ahead to tomorrow. I know I am supposed to live one day at a time and tomorrow never comes. However, I had to peek ahead to the visit from my mother and sister. They are flying in tonight and I will see them tomorrow morning. I am very eager for their visit and I know it will be a wonderful time.

The rest of the day was the same as it has been all week but Friday does mark an end to the work week. I did receive good news because my friend from “The View” will be taking the position of helping clean the bathroom when the other friend from “The View” paroles at the end of this month. It is amazing how everything does work out as intended.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Oh, Reality!

Over the past three nights, I have had the pleasure to talk with three of my friends on a one to one basis. (Yes, the “The View Friends” and also known as “The Nerd Herd”) Last night I met with the final member and just like the previous two evenings, the conversation was wonderful. I am convinced everyone who is in prison has a fascinating story and last night was no exception. We talked all evening long and only had to stop because of an emergency bed count. That story is very interesting and I may get to it at a later point. I was enthralled with the conversation and yes; I mostly sat and listened intently. As the conversation progressed, I wondered to myself how much heredity/genes adds to our addictions or is it the true power of intention? I don’t have the answer to that question, but I do believe the focus needs to be on changing thoughts which will change life. Maybe all through the generations certain intentions are passed on unconsciously which leads to the next generation making the same mistakes in judgment. This is a very big part, but breaking out of those destructive thought processes is indeed very possible.

These one on one sessions have been called “couch time” in reference to being on the couch of a psychiatrist. No, I didn’t play the role of the shrink, I just sat and listened. Rarely do I give opinions, but I do add encouragement to everyone I speak to. The friend I was speaking with last night paroles at the end of this month and then the reality of real life kicks in. Prison is not real life reality – it is temporary reality which has a completion date. The outside world is reality and it too has a completion date (or does it?) when our bodies give out. As I progress through “Change Your Thoughts…” I now question the beginning and end of life because all things are everlasting. Our physical being ceases to exist, but our spirits live in infinity. Nonetheless, my prison existence is part of my life which is why I am making the very best of this temporary existence which is preparing me for the free world.

Of the four members of “The View”, three of us have very strong addictions. I believe this is true of many of my fellow inmates as well. The three of us have been sober/gamble free for at least over 2 years and have made a commitment to change our lives. I heard a term last night that I have never heard before – “sobering moment.” My sobering moment came when I entered the conference room of my previous employer and faced my old boss with the destruction I caused. This is the first time in my life, I said, “I am a compulsive gambler and my life is completely out of control.” Unbeknownst to me this was Step 1 in the GA Recovery Program and gratefully I have not looked back. All of us with addictions do have sobering moments but some choose to turn their backs on these moments. The addict has to make positive changes and stay on this road to recovery one day at a time.

During lunchtime today, I telephone my wife and for some reason I have picked Thursday for our weekly telephone call. As soon as my wife answered, I could tell something was going on. As it turns out, she had just returned from her 92 year old grandmother’s funeral. They can be very sobering and my children attended their first wake. My ever sensitive 9 year old daughter did cry and my light heated 6 year old son made everyone laugh when asked if she (my wife’s grandmother) had been cut in half because only her top half was shown as she lay in the casket. This is another part of reality I have missed, but I cannot get down on myself. I would love to be in New Jersey with my wife and children attending the wake and the funeral and comforting them. Fortunately, my wife did get to see her before she passed on. Had life been “normal” my wife wouldn’t have that opportunity.

What really is reality? I’m not sure and I don’t want to oversimplify things but reading these spiritual books had a profound effect on me. In the past, I have put up a resistance through a series of questions. Now I am doing my best to let it flow and get myself out of the way. The human brain is an incredible creation but I know for myself it has gotten me into trouble on several occasions however, all of this is what has been intended for me as it has all come together. Yes, I am missing vital pieces of my family’s life; however, this is only temporary. I do know had I not committed to my “sobering moment” I would have missed an entire piece of my family’s life. I am eternally gratefully for everything in my life. My thoughts and prayers do go out to my wife and the family of her grandmother. The saying “May she rest in peace” seems appropriate; however, I do believe her spiritual energy resonates with all of us.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Ah, The Sameness

The dinner last night was yet another fire meal. The main entrees were two (not one but two!) triple-decker (yes, three pieces of meat!) hamburgers. My new roommate did not have time to prepare me a soy burger, so I happily ate the lettuce and onions along with the peas. Getting back to those main entrees - three slices of hamburger on one bun served with the identical three slices of hamburger. Effectively, this came out to 1-1/4 pound of meat. Fortunately, I did not notice anyone finishing both hamburgers. Most guys took the extra hamburger with them for either later last night or lunch today. I did see someone eat 1-1/2 of the hamburgers, which is still a great deal of meat. The night before, the kitchen served these same hamburgers but only single servings, and my new roommate received many complaints at the smallness of the hamburgers. It seems my new roommate is at the forefront of these complaints because he orders the food. Quite frankly, the food here is the best I have seen in my 14 months, and most other inmates would agree; however, there seems to be an expectation level of lots and lots of food, and when this expectation is perceived less, the complaints start rolling in. Well, no one complained last night about the 1-1/4 pounds of meat. On the nutrition side, these fire meals do contain a great deal of protein and calories; however, the saturated fat levels are off the chart. My new roommate did make subtle changes for more nutrition-friendly foods, but this didn’t go over too well, so it is back to meat, fries, and more meat. Change inside this system is not embraced with open arms, so the status quo seems to work best. I applaud my new roommate for trying to make these changes, and I am forever grateful to him for my “special” meals.

Dinner had concluded, and as is the case most every night, I went outside to enjoy the peaceful evening. Since my roommate was busy with the kitchen, I sat with another friend who is also part of “The View.” Much like the previous night where I talked with my roommate, I talked all night with this friend and was enlightened. Over the history of my 42 years, I have been more of a listener than a talker. I have stayed true to form as of late, and reading “Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life, I am even keener on listening. As we talked last night, I had an “ah ha” moment. I realized I do enjoy talking and listening to people on an individual basis. I guess I have known this all along but never really focused on it. The best part of all my previous jobs was talking and listening to people. I remember early on in my career going into a co-worker’s office while doing a project. I had asked this person a few questions, and the next thing I knew the afternoon had gone by. What should have taken only 15 minutes took 3 hours, and I did most of the listening.

I have always been a good listener (with the exception of mother. Strangely, I seemed to tune her out over the years, but I won’t be doing any of that this coming weekend as she and my sister will be visiting), and this is a good quality. I seem to ask the right questions, and people seem to like to talk with me. Whatever the reason, I do enjoy it, and being an accountant/auditor, I have had the pleasure of speaking with some very good people over the years. I would much rather go without the number crunching and speak with people. As I move forward into my next career, I need to focus on the interpersonal connection rather than the get-behind-the-computer-and-crunch-numbers syndrome. There is a whole new world out there for me, and I look forward to it. I have an idea of what I want to do as a job when I am released, and it has something to do with talking and listening. I won’t give away anything right now, but I have visualized this position intently. I can do this anywhere in the world so being relegated to California will not be a hindrance. My life is bright and beautiful, and I have come a long way in the past 2-1/2 years. I will maintain this road, and everything will be as it is intended.

I was able to stay awake until 10:00 p.m. for the first time in a while. My poor roommate collapsed a few hours earlier as he worked 18 straight hours. He is one of the hardest workers in camp yet he never complains and is always positive. He has very good/high energy levels. Anyhow, my sleeping pattern repeated the night before with me waking up every hour or so. This could have had something to do with the bowl of oatmeal I ate last night. By the way, I have so much oatmeal in my locker that I can eat this everyday until my parole date and still have some left over! Whatever the case, I was up and down all night. My roommate was allowed to sleep in as his wake-up call came at 4:30 a.m. instead of 1:00 a.m. as the previous night. I lingered in my bed with my usual wake-up time and then started my day. Yes, I have settled into a nice routine, and the sameness, or ah the sameness, has commenced. The crews departed early for the fire line, and I started my early morning run. It is very dark when I start and remains dark for an hour. I was allowed to run this morning and was very grateful. I do have a hard time starting, but once I get going, I really don’t want to stop but I must. Also, as of late, I have been doing more flat running, but today, I interspersed the hill, and this does add a more difficult dimension as my heart rate instantly goes up, and I start to sweat more. Over the next 6 months, my concentration is on adding more mileage to my run as I intend to be prepared for a marathon (26.2 miles) upon my release in March. I am sure I can a marathon right now, but in six months, I will be even more ready. I have run five marathons in the past, and my first marathon was the most difficult. I remember running the Las Vegas Marathon back in December 2005, and that run was exactly as I planned. I did not realize it then, but I was applying techniques from “The Power of Intention.” I ran one more marathon (Los Angeles) after the Las Vegas Marathon, but my mind was not as in-tune as previously. Subsequently, my performance suffered. Running 26.2 miles is quite a physical effort, but it really is more mental than anything. This is just like life as it is constantly a mental exercise, and the key for me is to get out of the way and let life flow. There is a paradox here because I cannot just do nothing and let life flow because that won’t work. If I didn’t train physically for a marathon, I wouldn’t be able to finish no matter how focused my mind. There is a balance which I am striving for, and I will employ all these traits as I enter the free world. I am working on these constantly and know I am moving in the proper direction. Gratefully, due to my new position, I have more time to get in tune with myself, and my growth has been helped.

The run was over, and it was on to another fire breakfast with all that food. Today, I was able to eat blueberry pancakes, oatmeal, and soy sausage. Yes, my roommate cooked up the soy sausage just for me, and it was delicious. It was a brand I never had before, nor did I realize Jimmy Dean made soy sausages. The filling breakfast was over, and the workday had commenced. The bathrooms were cleaned much slower than yesterday but were still completed very early. We had to finish so that the fire crews who were covering the camp could take their showers. Apparently, I have now become very protective of the bathrooms because I was appalled at the condition of the bathrooms after the crews had finished. (I may be taking my job too seriously.) We cleaned them prior, and after they showered, the bathrooms were filthy. Nobody was that filthy, the toilets were malfunctioning. Fortunately, there is a great plumber (yes, a fellow inmate) on site, and the problem was rectified. I guess I have taken ownership of the bathrooms for the next six months, which isn’t bad, or is it??

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Six Years Already

Oh my, did I have the evening to myself! About an hour prior to dinner, the fire alarm call went off, and the four remaining crews went out on the fire. This left only those (such as myself) who are not assigned to a crew in the camp. This amounts to only a handful of people, so the camp was exceedingly quiet. Dinner was designed as a “drive thru” for the advent of Monday night football. This meant we were given our food (hamburgers and hot dogs) to go, and we could eat it outside. Since there were only a handful of us, the process went quickly. Once again, my new roommate came through because he made me a Boca (soy) burger and a Boca sausage. He also made these for himself as he abstains from eating red meat. These Boca products were part of the donation from the Girl Scouts, and of course, I thoroughly enjoyed them. I also thoroughly enjoyed talking with my new roommate as we finished our dinners. We remained outside talking since the camp was more quiet than usual. We had a great talk, and the evening was very peaceful.

My new roommate decided to turn in early since he most likely would have to wake up early when the crews returned to feed them. Lately, I have been going to sleep earlier and earlier. I figured by the time January rolls around, I should be in bed by 7:00 p.m.! It was a good thing my new roommate went to sleep early because he received a 1:00 a.m. wakeup call to assist with the breakfast service. Of course, I heard this wakeup call because I am a light sleeper. As he groggily got up, I so wanted to say, “I guess it’s time to make the donuts” (the line from the classic Dunkin Donuts commercial where the donut maker had to rise very early each day to make the donuts), but I remained silent and watched him go off to the kitchen. I managed to fall back asleep and got up at my usual time with the intention of running. I was allowed to run, and usually there are a few guys lifting weights at this time, but due to the fire call, no one other than me was outside. It was a strange feeling to have the camp to myself, but once I started running, it was just like any other run. I did have a very good run, and as I ran, I thought about the significance of today’s date, September 11.

Has it already been six years since that awful day in 2001? Yes, it has been six years already, and yes, I do remember exactly where I was that awful day. I was settling into my new job out here in Southern California, and we were also settling into a new house. I had only been at my new job for two months, and we had only been in our new house for 12 days. As all the events transpired on September 11, 2001, I was exercising (just like today) at a local gym. I watched as the second airplane slammed into the World Trade Center tower. I didn’t process the magnitude of the events as they were happening, but by the time the day was over, I had a very good idea about the magnitude of these events. Amazingly, six years later, I am still exercising, but I am not at a local gym. I am in a California state prison. Our house has been sold, I have lost my job, and my wife and children now reside in New Jersey; yet I am more at peace than I was six years ago, thank God. I hadn’t started my thievery at this point six years ago, but my mind was a mess as I was once again in the early steps of my compulsive gambling. Things progressed badly for me over those six years, but gratefully, due to recovery, I can see more clearly now than ever. It was the most tragic day in United States history six years ago today, and the country came together after those terrible events. The United States, much like myself, has a very selective memory. I had two previous events in my life due to compulsive gambling prior to the last event which could have prevented a great deal of problems, but I turned my back on those events. Six years later after that tragic day, the country is not as focused as we were after those events, which is sad. I remember flying the American flag in front of our house after the September 11 events and seeing many of my neighbors doing the same; however, as time progressed, fewer and fewer flags were flown, and by the time we moved out, our flag was the only flag on the entire block. The key for me is to not dwell on the past, but I must never ever forget the terrible events in my life. I believe the same holds true for our great country; never forget and always remember those true heroes who lost their lives six years ago today.

My life is so much different than it was six years ago today, and this is positive in every way. I have had my freedom taken away over the past 14 months, but each day I get better and better. I have less than six months remaining until my freedom is restored, and I know I am moving in the proper direction. I love this country so much and pray to God another September 11 tragedy does not occur. There isn’t much I can do to prevent such a tragedy, but there is much I can do to keep myself on the right path. I am doing the right things, and the right things are happening. It is my intention to keep doing these things one day at a time. I do love my life, family, and friends very much and look forward to the next September 11 as a member of the free world.

I completed my run, and with so few people in camp, I had to shower and dress quickly to get to breakfast. We were given a fire breakfast because all of the crews still had not returned. I thought I had eaten my last fire breakfast, but if all the crews are out and another camp sends crews to cover this camp, everyone is given a fire breakfast. Yes, these fire breakfasts are packed with calories. How anyone can eat all the food is beyond me. There were fried eggs, bacon, sausage, hash browns, Corn Flakes, oatmeal, milk, orange juice, fruit cocktail, and biscuits. I ate the oatmeal and also had a bowl of Corn Flakes along with the orange juice. Once again, my roommate had me in mind because he made me a Boca sausage. Of course, I was very grateful, but I had to take the Boca sausage back with me because I had no room in my stomach.

The very filling breakfast was over, and the crews were coming back shortly. Normally, I clean the bathrooms when all the crews are out. With them being out all night, it meant they would be in camp all day. It is difficult, not to mention a disservice to the crews, to clean the bathrooms when everyone is in the camp. Thus, I made an executive decision (sounds serious but not so much!) to clean the bathrooms before the crews came back. I teamed up with my able assistant, and we finished just as the crews came back. It was a quick service, but the bathrooms were, in fact, cleanse just like they are every day. Normally, we finish by 11:00 a.m., but today we were finished at 9:35 a.m., so I had more of the day to myself. I spent most of the morning putzing around listening to the radio and sitting outside. My roommate came back to the room. Now mind you, he had been up since 1:00 a.m. and still going strong. He saw me lying on my bed listening to the radio and sarcastically asked if I had to go to work, and I responded, “Already done.” He gave me a big laugh and shrugged his shoulders as if to say, “What am I doing wrong?” Anyhow, he quickly departed as had more things to do for the kitchen. There are times when I am jealous of my new roommate because he has the job I would want here since it is somewhat like what I used to do; however, due to the nature of my crimes, I am ineligible for that position since it interfaces with a computer. It has taken me awhile to accept this, but I have, and I am enjoying my time as the bathroom porter.

One last thought regarding the anniversary of those tragic events of September 11, 2001. I remember going to New Jersey three months after the attacks and seeing all the flags and stickers on everyone’s cars in remembrance. Those events are forever etched into my memory bank, and I will do my part to always remember. This goes hand and hand with my recovery. I can write about things to my heart’s desire, but if I am not practicing what I write, then the recovery will fail. This is why I am grateful for the GA program and thus my recovery because I practice these principles each and every day. May God bless everyone not only in the United States but on the entire planet.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Rhythm Of The Days

Lately, it seems I am doing more laughing than I have before. A great deal has to do with the fact that I am now in camp and have found a rhythm of the days. In addition, I have a new roommate who is very funny. His humor is mostly pointed at me and my peculiar habits. I must admit I have to laugh because I am a strange person, indeed. My new roommate was saying the other night that my wife must miss me but is probably relishing the fact that she doesn’t have to put up with my strange eating habits. He had me rolling as he went on to say, “Your wife is probably cooking all kinds of meat in the pans you told her never to cook meat in, and she is probably taking your children to McDonald’s every chance she gets.” I never realized it before, but I am high maintenance. I always thought my limited food intake was easy, but as it turns out, it is not. Anyhow, if I can’t laugh at myself, then what can I laugh at.

There seems to be so much emphasis on our pasts and how they affect the present and future. I have listened to many people discuss their childhood and relationships with their parents as reasons for the problems in their lives. I can only speak for myself and say it was me who caused the problems in my life not the relationship I had with my parents or my childhood. The question of why gets thrown around so much, and to me, this is overused and overstated. An entire industry has risen from the question of why in counselors, psychotherapists, psychologists, self-help people, etc. Knowing why does help with the awareness of the problem, but sometimes blame is misplaced very easily. For me, it all goes to personal responsibility and doing something to prevent the problem (in my case, compulsive gambling) from coming back. For all intents and purposes, I had a wonderful childhood. Sure my parents divorced when I was a teenager, but this is not uncommon, and for me to lay blame on this as a cause for my compulsive gambling would be incorrect. I started gambling at an early age (12 years old) and thoroughly enjoyed the feeling. It quickly manifested into a problem, yet I let it lie dormant. Fast forward 20-plus years, and here I sit in prison due to the compulsive gambling. I understand that I can never gamble again or my life is over; however, in the past 2-1/2 years I continue to discover only positive traits which have put me on the proper road to recovery.

Anger, resentment, and jealousy have never been characteristics of mine but a feeling of superiority has been. This feeling of superiority was part and parcel my compulsive gambling problem. I thought I could outsmart the bookies, and subsequently, my former employer along with all those wonderful people in my life. I was only fooling myself, and now I know I am just like everyone else, which is fabulous. Thankfully, I no longer beat myself up for my past mistakes because this is counterproductive to my recovery. The key is to live one day at a time and become a better person through honesty. Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness are the keys in the GA program. All three of these are in my life each and every day. Now, along with “The Power of Intention”, “The Secret”, and “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life” I have a clear mind. Over 2-1/2 years ago, my mind was polluted, and gratefully through recovery, I have detoxified my mind which is now at peace. I am very grateful for this time to get my head clear and know everything is working out exactly as intended.

Last night, I sat with my friends and talked. The talk did center around one person and their particular hot buttons. Mostly, I listened and practiced what I had read in “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life.” The title of the subsection was “Be an Infinite Observer.” The recommendations for the daily lesson was as follows: Pick a situation today (any situation will work) and instead of verbally responding, be silent and listen to your thoughts. For example, in a social gathering (such as last night) or business meeting, choose the emptiness found in silence in order to be aware of your infinite self. If you find your worldly ego interpreting or judging then just observe that without criticizing or changing it. You’ll begin to find more and more situations where it feels peaceful and joyful to be without response and just to be in the infinity that’s hidden but always present. I did sit there and listened without criticizing or judging and said little. The difficult part is to refrain from judging. I don’t know where it stems from, but judgments seem to arise at most times within me, and this is something I am working on daily. I am no being guided by the Source, which I cannot define or explain, but I do know it exists within everything. The book “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life” is all about the Source. I am a mere vessel for the Source and trust in it implicitly. Even though I remained silent most of the evening during the discussion, I did take it all in and kept my opinion to myself. I believe sharing my opinion does have merit as long as I am not judging and not criticizing. My opinion was what I wrote earlier regarding the question of why and how blame is misplaced and bantered about conveniently. I am far from an expert on these things, but for me, it is working very well. I am without a crystal ball, and the future remains a mystery to me, but I do know as long as I continue working my recovery program, the future is going to be wonderful exactly as the present.

Strangely, last night I had a difficult time sleeping. My erratic sleeping patterns usually provide me with six to seven hours of sleep, but last night, I could only sleep in 1-hour increments. During these increments, I had difficulty getting back to sleep, and when I did, I immediately went into a dreamlike state. This dreamlike state only lasted a few minutes, and the dreams appeared as vignettes. I don’t remember these dreams, but my mind seemed to be working overtime. I may have been stimulated by the GA meeting/visit and the visit with my friend’s family. I do believe it had something to do with the new member because I was invigorated by the new member’s present. Listening and sharing with the new member was wonderful, and hopefully, this new member is aware that they helped me tremendously. I did manage some sleep and got up at my usual time. Since it is a Monday, this means a running day; however, I was rebuffed because it was too dark when I wanted to run, just like last Monday. I quickly changed my exercise program to an abdomen session along with burpees. I have learned to be more flexibly with my exercise program because some days (like today) I am denied running around the track. This is fine, and the ab/burpee session was great. Also, I had the entire afternoon to do more exercising, which I did.

The morning was in rhythm as everything went well. Breakfast was uneventful, but I must say my friends and I are always the last ones out of the dining hall for both breakfast and dinner. We do arrive near the rear of the line and have a tendency to chat while eating. The joke with the other inmates was that some of them labeled us “The View” as we always seem to be talking with one another. Our breakfast broadcast was over, and it was time to start my week cleaning the bathrooms. Yes, everything went well, and it appears I am going to have some help at night because a few inmates have picked up some extra duty! Extra duty is when an inmate is caught doing something they should not be doing such as smoking. Typically, an inmate must log 40 hours to complete the extra duty. Last night, I noticed an inmate sweeping out the bathrooms because this is where some choose to smoke. I welcome the assistance, and it makes my job a bit easier.

The morning went by very quickly, and before I realized it, it was lunchtime. My lunchtime consists of sitting on the back porch of the dorm eating my peanut butter sandwich. I sit with another member from “The View” who, incidentally, assists with the cleaning of the bathrooms. We talk and take in the peaceful surroundings. I much prefer these lunches over the lunches I spent on the grade, which were sitting in the dirt somewhere eating the peanut butter sandwich. After lunch, I checked in and went to round 2 of my workout. I did 90 minutes on the Harvard Wall, and this allowed me to soak up the sun as well. It was a great session and essentially completed my day. These days do go by quickly, and now I have the evening to myself.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

New Member - Wow!

The best part about today was the GA Meeting/visit would reconvene after a one month hiatus due to the fires I was at. I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of my dear friends filter into the visiting area. I waited at least 30 minutes to be called after I saw them enter. In fact, my friend waved me into the office so I could go down to the visiting area. This is yet another example of those events I have no control over. Thankfully, my dear friends are very patient. There were 5 people here to attend the meeting. Three of those people have been here many times, one is a long standing member who I have not seen since my sentencing and the remaining person was someone I did not know at all. I was greeted with hugs and kisses and was introduced to the new person who has been in GA for close to 60 days. This was incredible that a new member would take time out of their weekend to come to the prison for the meeting. Even though I didn’t know this person, I knew he was already doing service in the Program by attending this meeting. I always looked forward to new members joining the Program because to me this meant one less lost soul. Sometimes the pain is immeasurable especially early on.

The meeting commenced and there were old members, new members, and intermediate members but the common bond was the Program. I am eternally grateful to GA and the fellowship because my life continues to be saved. Hopefully, the new member felt the same love I felt emanating from the other members. The Program does work if it is worked each and everyday. I have only been associated with GA for 2 ½ years and I have seen a fair share of new members fall away from the Program. I do have high hopes for this new member because by arriving today, sends a very powerful message not only to me but to the dedication required for a successful recovery. The stories are tragic as new members enter the Program but that tragedy turns into triumph as the Program is worked. I love GA and it is a vital part of my life each and everyday. I owe so much to the Program and the incredible in it. Today was a wonderful meeting as they all are and my day was made much better.

As the meeting concluded, and my dear friends departed, there were hugs and kisses. I wished the new member well and hopefully, I will see them at another meeting. I waved to them as they drove off then I had the opportunity to meet with a friend (member of the table) and their family. This was a magnificent gathering as my friend was surrounded by so much love. I felt as if I was standing in their backyard having a barbecue. They were grilling up a feast, which included “paella” grilled vegetables, and grilled shish kabobs along with an assorted variety of cheeses, crackers. They had an amazing salad which contained spinach leaves, watermelon, raisins, dressed with a fresh squeezed orange juice. They had asked me to stay for lunch and happily agreed. I even had a piece of homemade cream cheese cake. Normally I would pass on this but this is not a normal situation and the pound cake was delicious as it was flown in from across the country. This was a wonderful gathering and I had a double helping – with the earlier GA visit – of fantastic people. I had stayed long enough because I did not want to take away from my friend’s visit so I thanked them profusely and headed back to my room.

Today was yet another great day and these visiting days do add a special dimension to my week. I am so grateful for everything and I am reminded of something I recently read in “Change Your Thoughts…”

Wisdom is knowing I am nothing
Love is knowing I am everything
And between the two, my life moves.

And, while you are living stay as close to love as you can!

Love is everywhere in my life and I am eternally grateful. Love has always been in my life ever since I was born. Love has always been everywhere even before I was born, Over the years , I neglected this love and just took it all for granted. Now thanks to recovery and a new way of living, I embrace love all the time. This is the best way for me to live because my life / existence is what it is intended. Sure it took me awhile to notice all the love in my life and I put myself in a horrible predicament; however, this is exactly the way it must be and I am so grateful for the opportunity to embrace all the love in my life. Thank you everyone for all your positive thoughts and supports. Also, and most importantly thank you for the love!

Saturday, September 08, 2007

"Change Your Thoughts - Change Your Life"

As I continue to read “Change Your thoughts…” by Dr Wayne Dyer, I learn so much. In addition to learning very much I get to use his sage advice in practice. Last night after a very good BAKED fish dinner, I picked up my mail. I received two pieces; one from my mother and the other from my dear sponsor. God has truly blessed me with inspirational people in my life and these two are at the top of the list. My dear sponsor writes me without fail each week and I so look forward to the letters. My mom is always sending me something of interest and last night she sent several fascinating articles on subjects ranging from fire evacuation plans to stories of other fellow compulsive gamblers. I am grateful to both of them as I am everyone in my life.

After picking up the letters, I needed to inquire about the potential family visit. My wife has narrowed down her selection of dates to either November 2nd or November 9th. I needed to find out if those dates are available. What I thought would be a simple request turned into an exercise from “Change Your Thoughts…” Before I go any further, please permit to offer a little background. As I have chronicled in the past, my setting up the first family visit with my entire family was lengthy involved process. However, as I moved through that first process everything worked out extremely well and the family visit was fantastic. I was not expecting to have another family visit the rest of my term; however, thanks in part to a very dear friend who donated a free airline ticket to my wife, we could have a family visit with just the two of us.

At the completion of my initial family visit, I had to submit to a urine analysis as everyone who partakes in a family visit must do. However, I just couldn’t go so I was informed to come back in an hour after drinking some fluids. When I returned I was informed that they weren’t ready for me and I would be called later on to submit to the test. Another hour passed and when I returned I was told emphatically that they will call me. Based on this directive, I didn’t return and was never called. At the time I didn’t think anything of it and went about my business. Fast forward to last night, as I inquired about the dates for my potential visit I was informed that it was solely my responsibility to complete the urine analysis and thus I may not be eligible for another family visit. Furthermore, I should have been written up for not completing the test, and I need to follow the rules just like everyone else. Finally, I was told that I shouldn’t think I was better than anyone else. As this whole dialogue was taking place, I summoned what I have learned in the two books and merely stated a few words and was very respectful. I felt the words in my core but did not act on being confrontational. Now the matter will be take up to see if I can receive another family visit or not.

I have always been a calm passive person, but I was very prone to being passive aggressive. Also, I would always second-guess myself. I did my best to avoid this and I have no second-guessing on my part of the dialogue last night. I trust in the Source and know everything will work out the way it is intended just like it did for the first family visit. The interchange last night was a great testing ground for what I have learned about myself over the past 2 ½ years. I was a bit shaken, but I talked with my friends and everyone agreed that I handled my self properly and the situation will be rectified for the very best. Talking about it made me feel so much better and I went for being a bit uptight to laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes. Life is truly a magical process and letting go is the best way for me. In the past, I would replay the interchange over and over again in my mind but now other than retelling this story here, it is over. What is meant to be will be and my belief system is well intact.

After my friends made me laugh, it was time to go back to my room where I laughed again as my new roommate had some very funny things to say. Laughter is indeed the best medicine and I am so glad I can laugh. These are heartfelt soul reaching laughs which cleanse my body and of course it felt wonderful. I spent the remainder of the evening re-reading the letters I received earlier.

I will conclude this passage with an off the wall comment about apples. Over the course of the last 14 months, I have eaten only red delicious and granny smith apples. This ended today as a friend who works in the kitchen ordered fuji apples. I bit into it and was reminded how much flavor an apple could have. It will be hard to return to the red delicious apples. This was a real treat, but due to the expense it is a once in awhile treat. I greatly appreciated the treat and enjoyed every bite of the fuji apple.