Something

Something finally happened at court!!! It has taken 3 1/2 months but our motion was agreed upon. This motion really does not have anything to do with my actual case, it was only a financial matter. I can't wait (facetiously!) until we start delving into the actual case matter this should take a few years (I hope not). We still have some more financial matters to attend to before we get to the facts in the case so patience is a virtue at this point. Actually, patience is not only a virtue it is a necessity!!! How many times can I say the Serenity Prayer in one day; as many as needed.

I was speaking with my brother-in-law who is visiting with my wife's sister and their beautiful baby girl earlier this evening and he reminded me of a few things that I want to speak about. Unfortunately for me I had to experience what I am currently experiencing to finally come to the understanding of how bad my gambling behavior was. The only way for me to completely stop gambling was to self destruct. I have said this before and it bears repeating I sabotaged myself. I had ample opportunities to walk away from the gambling and the other bad behaviors but I chose to ignore those opportunities. I got so caught up in what I was doing that it turned into a career death spiral. When I was confronted about my bad behavior I had no more excuses no more stories to tell, I just said I AM A COMPULSIVE GAMBLER.

This is so hard to understand even I had a hard time with this, oh why didn't I just walk away? The simple reason was I couldn't. I had to be caught to exorcise this demon inside me. The demon may have been exorcised but there are parts of it that will be with me the rest of my life. I would like to say something significant to anyone who may or think they have an addiction of any kind but I would be remiss. The denial is so strong that I didn't even listen to myself so how could I listen to anyone else. Would an intervention help? Perhaps but if I was not ready to willingly admit I needed help I would have repeated the same behavior and it would have been WORSE. The question comes up how do you help someone with a potential gambling problem before they end up in prison or insane or dead? I certainly do not know the answer to this question and I would venture to guess many other much better qualified people do not know.

Would telling my story help someone before they get to where I got? Again, perhaps but whoever that one person is they have to admit to themselves they have a problem or it will never work. I have a problem and will have this problem for life. I would like to throw this problem in a padded cell and throw away the key this is why I want to go to GA meetings and this is why I want to maintain this blog and this is why I want to communicate with others that have the same problem. All constant reminders of what my gambling did to me and my family. Yes, I will have other reminders of what my gambling did but I want to do positive things to really make my recovery work.

Twice

I head back to court tomorrow and that would make it TWICE in one week. Thank goodness I have a strong heart from running because I don't know how much longer my ticker is going to hold out!! In less than two months I will turn 40 but if these court proceedings continue the way they have gone especially this past Monday I will feel like 100. Yes, I know I cannot change the future and I practice the Serenity Prayer on court days and yes, I created this mess but this is really the punishment phase. I have spoken to a lot of people that have been in similar type positions and they all agree this is the most difficult phase because of the uncertainty.

The days, weeks and months will pass just like they have for the past 121 days and it is what I do with each day that counts. Each day I cherish my family and I know this whole ordeal is making me stronger and a better person. Hopefully, something will happen in court tomorrow because if it doesn't I think my wife may go ballistic.

Four Months

It has been four months since my last bet and like I have said all the other times it is just a number and I must continue to grow as a person to really live this recovery. Life has dramatically changed in these past four months and I have experienced many things. Some of those things have been horrible and some of those things have been very good. I am so thankful to have my family and some magnificent friends because without those folks who knows where I would have been.

I want to thank everyone for their concern over last night's posting. I didn't mean to alarm anyone and I really appreciate all of your thoughts. We do go back to court on Thursday and hopefully it won't be as painful, as always I will keep everyone updated.

Also; I was informed tonight that some people think I am putting on "act" with my compulsive gambling story so I can lessen what I did or actually these folks think I am going to get away with what I did because of my compulsive gambling. I don't need to defend myself because I am and will always be a compulsive gambler and my actions were driven by my desire to make the next wager. If I am really putting on an "act" I must be really dedicated because I go to three sometimes four Gamblers Anonymous meetings a week. I have completed the training for the California Council Problem Gambling Counselor certificate. I have done a very public interview with the Los Angeles Times and Court TV. I have records of thousands of dollars lost at an offshore sportsbook but yet I am still putting on an "act".??? I didn't realize I had that much energy!!! I guess I did need to defend myself!!!

I think those of you who really know me realize what type of person I am which is kind, generous, understanding and a person who really listens. I would do anything for anyone and I have shown this in the past and will continue to do so each day. Maybe this is why it is so hard for some people to acknowledge that I have compulsive gambling disorder. Well it is true and I let my addiction rule me. Now it is my turn to NOT let the addiction define me as a person.

I think it is so very hard for "normal" people to realize what an addiction can do to a person. "Normal" people live normal lives and some normal people have addictions. Addictions can take over your life if you are not careful. I let my addiction take over my life. There were a series of events that lead to my downfall and these events have taken place over the past 20 years. Each time I had an incident caused by my gambling it got worse. I put myself in a position where there was no way out. The addiction led to self-destructive behavior. I was faced with a choice of either getting help or dying. I chose to get help because I have so much to live for namely, Monica, Lauren and Jonathan. Whatever is going to happen I know I have finally made the right choice because life is worth living. Also; life is worth living exceptionally and this is what I strive for every day.

Painful

Yes, today was a court session and I don't know where to start. I am not sure I can say all of the things I want to say but one word sums up today's proceedings PAINFUL. It is not the type of pain one would associate with being in court it was the type of pain when you see a train wreck about to happen and it is happening in slow motion. I am not going into details because it may come back to haunt me but I will say this; if you study hard enough anyone can pass the Bar Exam to become an attorney. We had what I thought and what my attorney thought some fairly straight forward motions; however; nothing is as it seems. What I think is common sense doesn't seem to be common sense. What I think is a positive solution for both parties doesn't seem to turn out this way.

I thought the end result is to make the victim whole, meaning, getting the person (in this case company) it's money back. I am trying to do this but I am being met with roadblocks at every step and I am not sure why. Isn't it in the victims best interest to get their money back? This seems like a basic and very straight forward question then why is it so very hard? The term obstructionist was brought up on several occasions today. No, I am not breaking out the dictionary but I will say obstruction is to block so an obstructionist is a person that blocks things. Apparently an obstructionist can block themselves so nothing ever gets done.

The real punishment is going through the court proceedings, I think prison will be a welcome relief because the not knowing, the delays, and the incompetence will all be over. I thought confessing to what I did was the best course of action and yes, it was otherwise I will still be living in a world of denial. However; viewing the utter insanity in the courtroom it makes me second guess my choice of confessing because without my confession I would hate to see what would have happened in a trial. Yes, I had to finally surrender to the fact that I am and will always be a compulsive gambler and the only way to do this is to tell the truth.

I am posed with a moral dilemma. It has to deal with a "friend". Regardless of my actions I am a very nice person and would not deliberately hurt anyone. I am wrestling with this dilemma because it may benefit me and my family to the detriment of a so called "friend". I need to go back (I hate when I do this but I must!) to my past for a few sentences. When I was doing what I was doing I knew it was wrong but I couldn't stop. It was as if a someone had taken over my brain. I would not and could not take advantage of a person but an entity was another story because an entity is not living and breathing or so I rationalized. Yes, of course it was wrong but to do this to a "real" person even in the throws of my gambling it would have been difficult so now I am faced with something that I feel is morally wrong but will benefit me and my family. Without saying what it is and yes, it has to deal with money and possibly helping my case. I am all for mitigating as many factors as possible and in my case this again means money. The more money the better but what price do I pay. I know if the roles were reversed this person would go with the money over me but that is really not relevant. It is what is best for me personally and morally.

Sorry for the ramble tonight and I will keep everyone posted.

Serenity

I have a court date tomorrow and someone said to me I must be a nervous wreck. The truth of the matter is I am not a nervous wreck. I cannot control what happens tomorrow and worrying myself will do me no good. This may seem a little flippant but it is how I feel; whatever is going to happen will happen whether I worry about it or not.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change", I cannot change my past what I have done is done. "Courage to change the things I can", I can change my behavior now and my outlook on life and I am working on these character defects daily in addition to living one day at time. "The wisdom to know the difference", I am hoping to have enough wisdom to know what I can and cannot change and court tomorrow I cannot change it is inevitable.

Yes, I caused all this chaos myself. I have to deal with it to the best of my ability. Running away is not an option. Locking myself in a closet or cave is not an option. Facing my fears, living my life one day at time and knowing that I have not gambled yesterday or today is my way of dealing with the chaos. I think George Costanza's father put it best "SERENITY NOW"!!!!

Entitlement

Today was family day at my Gamblers Anonymous meeting. The fellowship (GA) was celebrating two one year birthdays and it is a time of celebration and a time of reflection. The two members couldn't be any different yet they share the same story; gambling took over their lives just like it did mine. I asked my family if they would like to go because it is a time when the celebrants bring their families and everyone is welcome. In addition, my wife knows the wife of the gentleman celebrating his one year birthday and he also has little children. It was a good meeting and even my son behaved.

My daughter was very confused as to how a grown man and woman could be turning one year old! I explained to the best of my ability how they got to be one year old and I think Lauren (my daughter) understood. She also asked a whole host of other questions like what is gambling and what does it mean when they say I have not placed a bet in 3 years 4 months and 16 days? Again, I tried to explain to the best of my ability and she seemed to understand or she was just bored and wanted me to stop talking!! All in all it was a very good morning. Despite what some people think about Gamblers Anonymous I really like these people and they are truly genuine.

I wanted to touch on what I shared at the meeting this morning. I was speaking about entitlement (no I won't break out the dictionary again I will go with what I think it is!!). I THOUGHT because I was a good husband, father, son, friend, worker, co-worker, etc,. That I was ENTITLED to do the things I did. What a sick thought. I was not entitled to anything especially my SECRET LIFE. I also thought because I was a good person it would get me out of what I had done, another sick thought. I did bad things and bad things have happened to me.

Why did I develop this thought of entitlement? I am still working on this question but I do know I am NOT entitled to anything. I have to be the good person I really can be and NOT expect anything in return. I always thought I was a humble person with a sense of humility. Well, doing what I did is not a sign of a humble person it is a sign of a selfish person. I have been humbled and humiliated by my actions. Which brings up another subject of actions speak louder than words. I have some very bad actions to overcome and words will not overcome those actions. Only positive and selfless actions can lead me down the proper road of recovery. I am not only recovering compulsive gambler I am recovering the TRUE me little by little.

Irony

A great deal of my life seems centered around irony. I am going to break out the dictionary again so please forgive me; the Merriam Webster online dictionary defines irony as follows; a pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other's false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning -- called also Socratic irony. Okay maybe that wasn't the definition I was looking for because I had to look up more words in the actual definition like adroit which means having or showing skill, cleverness or resourcefulness. Let me go back to what I originally thought was irony and I will cite some examples such as; I am compulsive gambler that has worked in the casino industry for 12 years. I obviously had a pretense of ignorance because I thought I was better than all of the people that would visit the casino yet I did the SAME things.

How do I say this next sentence without saying what I really need to say, I will give it a try: I did some bad things to my employer (in the Casino Industry) and the bad things I did were also being done by others to benefit my employer. Those reading between the lines this is not to diminish or make right what I did in anyway it is what I believe to be an ironic situation. I am still not sure if I am using the word irony in the correct context but I will stick with it for now. I am sure SOMEONE(??) will correct me. Today I was doing work which is typing appraisals for our friend and the appraiser came by to do an appraisal on our house. Is that really irony?? So sorry I thought this segment would turn out a lot more clever than it has, oh well!!!

Off of the subject of irony on to Game 7 of the NBA finals which was played this evening. In years gone by I would make sure I got to see this game but not tonight. I did view a few minutes of the second half and I was viewing it with my sports fan hat on. This hat has not been worn in a number of years. The hat used to only cared who covered the point spread. I watched for a few minutes with my son as we were preparing for his bath (he actually wanted to watch baseball but that maybe a story for another time!!). In my sports betting days 4 months ago, I would give my son his bath but make sure I got to see the end of whatever game was on because I had to know who covered but not tonight, I could have cared less. I do enjoy watching sports and it is so much more enjoyable when you don't have to sweat out the final minutes worrying who is going to cover the point spread. Life is so much more meaningful than an insignificant basketball game, oh the wasted time!!

Amazement

People continue to amaze and surprise me. I am truly blessed with a wonderful family and wonderful friends. I have to thank one of my wife's friends for helping out our family and especially helping me out. I am assisting her husband with his work and it truly gives me a feeling of accomplishment along with some type of income. I haven't had this feeling of accomplishment in a long time and it feels very good. I just hope I am providing him with a good finished product, I am really trying. Thank you so very much Juliana and Joe I am so blessed to call you my friends.

We did receive a phone call from an appraiser who will be by tomorrow to appraise our house. I am some what shocked because I thought this would be another delay in the court proceedings. I just hope the appraiser can turnaround his finish report by Friday so the Assistant District Attorney can review it before Monday's court appearance. I don't have such a "positive" feeling when I am dealing with the court so I am "hoping for the best but expecting the worse". I know I cannot control anything that goes on in the court so what ever is going to happen will happen but I am very nervous. My attorney assures me everything is going to workout and getting someone to buy the house so quickly is a good thing. However; I haven't heard anything negative from my attorney with the exception of last week's 8 YEARS proposal from the Assistant District Attorney. I guess my attorney has the right kind of attitude after all when my case is said and done he will go home to his wife and children and life will go on so why wouldn't he have a positive outlook.

There are so many possibilities running through my head and most of them are bad. I am trying to prepare myself for the worst case scenario but I am not dwelling on it. If I were to dwell on it I will end up in a mental institution because I wouldn't be able to function. I need to get something out; yes, I caused my family to lose our house and for this (and many other things) I am so very sorry. I will make amends for every wrong that I have done and each day I grow stronger with more resolve.

Today, the reporter from the Los Angeles Times stopped by to add to her story (which hasn't been published yet and I am not sure when it will get published) and one of the things she asked me was; do I ever get an urge to place a bet. My answer was an unequivocal NO because if I were ever to go back out and gamble I would lose everything including my family and my LIFE, it would literally be the end of me. I have been given a chance to get my life together and I am going to stop living by my mistakes and start learning from mistakes.

Web Designer??

Below you will see a picture of myself and my wonderful daughter Lauren. I tried to input this picture in the profiles section but for some reason it wound up on the front page. I also tried to cut and paste this picture back to the profiles section but the web host instructed me the picture file was too big. As you can see I have a great deal of learning to do in the web design area so I will leave the picture on the front page. Incidentally, this picture was taken before attending the annual father/daughter dance hosted by my daughter's elementary school. Also, as you can see my daughter gets her looks from her mother, thank goodness!!! I will try and post a picture of my son but who knows where that photo will end up, I need some more practice!!

This morning I had a telephone interview for a non-monetary handling position. I will translate this last sentence into English; the position does not include handling cash or other monetary instruments for the company so I wouldn't be automatically excluded based on my current situation (so much for English!). The interview was for a compliance related position and who is better qualified than me on how to instruct a company from safeguarding their assets against any potential problems, it seem like a natural. It is a lengthy process and who knows if they are even interested but I guess it is a start.

Yesterday, I received a phone call, to interview with a competing casino in the area for a high ranking "monetary handling position". The gentleman asked if I could come in today for the interview and I thought they had known about current situation because I think the whole world knows about my current situation (which is certainly not the case) so I said that I could come in today at 1:00 pm. Additionally, I had worked with the Director of Human Resources of this particular casino in Las Vegas and in fact was very good friends with her late husband (I will get to that later) so how could they not know about my situation. I guess the gentleman that telephoned me did not know but someone told him later because he called back about 3 hours later canceling the interview and on the message said he did not know if he would re-schedule the interview so I guess he found out.

I had not spoken to the Director of Human Resources at this casino since the death of her husband. Her husband was a young man he died at the age of 42 to kidney cancer. I was able to see him about 2 weeks prior to his death and was so sad to see how his body had been ravaged by the cancer. He was the first friend that I have known to pass away and it really hurt. I was unable to go to his funeral because my wife and I were in Hawaii celebrating our 10th wedding anniversary. In fact the last time I spoke with his wife was during the funeral arrangements and I told her if she needed anything to let me know but I think I neglected to her the fact that I would not be able to make the funeral. She called me a few days later when my wife and I were in Hawaii and she needed someone to speak at his memorial service because the original person had to back out due to health issues. I was not able to return her call and by the time I got back from Hawaii I didn't have the nerve to call her. In retrospect this was very wrong. I should have called her back and followed up on her message but I didn't. It has bothered me for a long time but I haven't done anything about it until last night. I sent her an email and apologized (too little too late) for my actions.

I worked with her husband in Las Vegas and we got to be very close but he moved out to California about 6 months before I did and we sort of lost touch. We tried in the first year to keep in contact but life seemed to pull each of us in different directions. He was a great person and would do anything for anyone. I was very sad when he passed away and I didn't handle his passing very well. I tried to ignore (much like everything else in my life at the time) his passing but this was very wrong. I am truly sorry for not being there. Incidentally, to provide a time line for those that are interested my friend's passing was before my BIG problems began but I was in the throws of sports betting nightly. My amends list gets longer and longer each day.

Paul & Daughter Lauren
Posted by Hello

Precious

Life is so very precious and most of us take it for granted. A terrible tragedy occurs almost everyday and a life vanishes before our eyes. One of the internet self-help groups for Compulsive Gamblers that I belong to the moderator (leader) suddenly lost a loved one over the weekend. She was able to share her pain through the group and it really puts everything into its proper perspective which is there are no certainties in life and I must cherish each and every day.

Three and half months ago I took everything for granted now I cherish every moment. Life is not measured by the size of your bank account, house, car, or any other material item it is measured by one's character. I have yet to see a tombstone that read "Here lies John Doe born September 8, 1941 died May 22, 2005 with $17,876,887. 55 in his checking account". The tombstone usually says something about beloved husband, son, grandfather, wife, daughter, grandmother, etc., not survived by the 3600 square foot 5 bedroom 4 bathroom house.

I lost my sense of purpose and I am slowly regaining my true identity. I thought being a "good" husband and father entitled me to certain liberties this was just another one of my rationalizations. I took full advantage of these liberties and I was wrong. I am not entitled to anything. I want to be a good husband and good father and I want to have a sense of purpose. Through this very adverse situation in my life I am starting to realize my true sense of purpose which is to be the best person I can be and NOT take liberties because of it.

I have always struggled with the "God" issue. I always asked questions of why, how, and does this concept really make sense. Now, I am finding answers such as; why not, faith, higher power and yes, it does make sense. I think I am rambling now and probably not making much sense but hopefully I have conveyed some of my thoughts and true sense of being.

Congratulation to my niece Lisa (the wonderful softball pitcher) she graduated 8th grade and will be heading to High School in September. It seems like just yesterday, my wife, Mother and Grandmother drove 3 hours from New Jersey to Pennsylvania to greet the first great grandchild, grandchild and niece in our family. Way to go Lisa, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

Here is another inspiration website please check it out; http://www.inspiringthots.net/movie/be-thankful.php

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day to everyone especially my Dad. Dad I love you and I think you know how sorry I am to have disappointed you. I hope you had a great Father's Day. My wife and children allowed me to watch the U.S. Golf Open uninterrupted which is always a good thing.

Earlier today we went to a church service. This church service was very unlike any other church service my wife and I have attended. It was a Bible study. I didn't really understand what a Bible study church service was about but I understand now. The first 30 minutes of the service was filled with Christian music which was very good. The next 30 minutes was led by the Pastor (who incidentally is the husband of my daughter's first grade teacher and he appears to be a wonderful person just like his wife) reading passages out of the Bible. He would then interpret each passage into common everyday English and he would also relate those passages to everyday life. The services was very interesting and coming from a Catholic background very different. My wife is certainly more Catholic than I and I think she was having a hard time with the lack of structure in the service. Catholic mass is very structured and Bible Church Study is more like a college lecture on the Scripture. The end result in any religion should be the same which is having faith in something other than yourself. Sometimes this message gets lost in the politics of the church or the personalities of the priest but in the end you should walk away with a better understanding of this higher power.

The Bible Study also hosts Sunday school for the children. We were very fortunate today because my daughter's first grade teacher was leading one of the classes. At first my son and daughter didn't want to go to the Sunday School; however; my daughter wanted to go to the class taught by her teacher. This class was designated for children a little older than my daughter; however; her teacher (being the WONDERFUL person she is) said she would take her in this class without any problem. Now my son (who is 4) wanted to go to the same class with his sister and of course her teacher obliged. I was a little worried about my son because he seems to have a hard time sitting still but when we came back to the classroom an hour later he was sitting in the same seat and seemed very interested in the class. Now I know my daughter's first grade teacher is a MIRACLE WORKER because she held his attention for that long and didn't have any problems with him!! She even commented that he (my son) is going to be a great student because he is so serious. My wife and I were both shocked and amazed.

It was a very good day and there are more positive aspects of my life than negatives. Yes, this is a low point in my life but each day I continue to grow and will be the person I am destined to be. One last item; yesterday someone at our Gamblers Anonymous meeting was talking about finally being "cracked open" to fully comprehend they had a gambling addiction. I was "cracked open" 111 days and instead of bleeding to death I chose to rebuild myself into a better person.

A big HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Baby Gracie who turns one today, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!

365 Days

My attorney's other embezzlement client received his sentence today. He was sentenced to 365 days in the County Jail, he has already served 4 days so his exact sentence is 361 days. However; if he behaves properly he will only have to serve 7 months to complete his one year commitment and my attorney has taken it a bit farther stating the County Jail is so overcrowded they are "throwing out" non-violent offenders sooner than the 7 months. I guess it beats the 12 years he was originally quoted.

An interesting note; the assistant district attorney handling my case sat in on the sentencing because the original assistant district attorney went on vacation, I don't know if this is good or bad. I also don't know if I should "expect" this type sentence to be the "worst" case scenario or the "best" case scenario or just another scenario. There are many similarities in the case such as the Judge, my attorney, the assistant district attorney and the gambling induced embezzlement issue. (Which my attorney did not play up because he stated his other client had "taken care" of his gambling problem on his own, I can only hope this person has learned his lesson just like many of you can only hope I have learned my lesson. I have said this before willpower alone only got me so far and I have finally found the support I need to fully comprehend this gambling addiction of mine.)

In addition to his 365 day County Jail sentence he will be on probation for the next 5 years. The terms of his probation are as follows:

FORMAL PROBATION IS GRANTED FOR A PERIOD OF 60 MONTHS UNDER THE FOLLOWING TERMS AND CONDITIONS:

1) OBEY ALL LAWS AND ORDINANCES.

2) BE COMMITTED TO CUSTODY OF RSO FOR MODERATE PERIOD OF TIME, 365 DAYS;

3) PAY RESTITUTION FINE OF $200.00 PURSUANT TO 1202.4(B) PC TO THE COURT AS DIRECTED BY FINANCIAL SERVICES

4) SUBMIT TO IMMED SEARCH OF PERSON,AUTO,HOME,PREMISES,GARAGE,STORAGE AREAS & PERSONAL/LEASED PROPERTY WITH OR W/O CAUSE BY PO OR LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICER

5) NOT HAVE ANY CHECKING ACCOUNT AND NOT POSSESS ANY CHECKS AND CREDIT CARDS;

6) NOT HAVE BUSINESS DEALINGS W/ANY PERSON WHICH YOU OR ANYONE ASSOC W/YOU RECEIVES MONEY OR OTHER CONSIDERATION IN ADV OF PROVIDING PRODUCT OR SERVICE

7) NOT ENTER INTO ANY BUSINESS TRANSACTION INVOLVING NON-WRITTEN REPRESENTATIONS BY YOU OR ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH YOU;

8) DO NOT ACCEPT OR WORK IN ANY POSITION WHERE YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR RECEIVING OR ACCEPTING ANY TYPE OF MONEY ON BEHALF OF YOUR EMPLOYER;

9) PARTICIPATE &COMPLETE AT YOUR EXPENSE COUNSELING REHAB OR TREATMT PROGRAM DEEMED APPROPRIATE BY PO AND AUTHORIZE RELEASE OF INFO.RELATIVE TO PROGRESS;

10) NOT ASSOCIATE WITH ANY UNRELATED PERSON ON PROBATION OR PAROLE.

11) RESIDE AT A RESIDENCE APPROVED BY THE PROBATION OFFICER AND NOT MOVE WITHOUT PRIOR CONSENT OF THE PROBATION OFFICER.

12) SEEK/MAINTAIN GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT AND/OR ATTEND A FULL-TIME SCHOOL OR VOCATIONAL PROGRAM;

13)REPORT TO PROBATION OFFICER IMMEDIATELY OR WITHIN 2 DAYS OF RELEASE FROM CUSTODY FOR INITIAL INSTRUCTIONS, AND FOLLOW ALL REASONABLE DIRECTIVES OF PO.

14) REPORT ANY LAW ENFORCEMENT CONTACTS TO THE PROBATION OFFICER WITHIN 48 HOURS

15) PROVIDE DNA SAMPLE AS DIRECTED BY THE PROBATION OFFICER OR LAW ENFORCEMENT PERSONNEL PURSUANT TO SECTION 296 PENAL CODE. AUTHORIZED AGENCY TO SUBMIT SPECIMENS TO DOJ FOR ANALYSIS. DEFENDANT TO SUBMIT PROOF OF COMPLIANCE TO PROBATION OFFICER WITHIN 30 DAYS.

16) ADDED TERM: COMPLY WITH THE TERMS OF CONTACT WITH THE HARTFORD INSURANCE COMPANY.

I would expect to have a similar type probationary program but I don't understand number 5 "not have a checking account", I guess he will use money orders. I also don't understand number 15; maybe the DNA sample is fed into a database for known felons and I guess it applies to all felons.

Yes, I was kind of hoping he would have received house arrest because the County Jail is where I was for five days and it certainly is not a place to be rehabilitated but I have to take what is coming to me. I caused this mess and have to face all the consequences.

Eight Years

Today was a court date and it was the first time it hadn't been on a Tuesday. Guess what happened? You got it; NOTHING, well sort of NOTHING but I can see some decisions that need to be made on the not so distant horizon. I wrote earlier about how I can possibly save our house to keep some consistency for the family. My attorney proposed the matter to the Judge and the Assistant District Attorney and they all seemed to be in agreement (somewhat). The Assistant District Attorney requested an appraisal (I thought this was supposed to be done prior today's court appointment but I guess this is how the judicial system operates) to be done. I guess he wants to ensure we are not giving the house away which makes sense (I guess). Also, my attorney finally found out from the Assistant District Attorney what type of jail time he is requesting from me which was EIGHT YEARS. My attorney was a little hesitant to tell me but he has an obligation to share this with me and he told me the 8 years but I would only (????) serve 4. My attorney said that there is no way he would accept this offer (which is good) but I guess the Assistant District Attorney has to start somewhere.

I think I wrote about the other embezzlement case my attorney has but I will refresh your memory. A city inspector embezzled $260,000 from the city where he worked due to a gambling problem. The city inspector only had $100,000 in restitution and the (a different one from mine) Assistant District Attorney's first offer was 12 years. I am not sure why his first offer was 12 years and my first offer was 8 years considering my alleged amount is greater but who am I to argue. This case goes to sentencing tomorrow and I am very interested to see what the Judge's (ultimately the Judge decides the sentence not the Assistant District Attorney) final sentence is. This has a direct bearing on my case (I hope?). I will let everyone know tomorrow what this person's final sentence comes out to be.

Obviously it is days like today that are very difficult because the past is thrown back into my face. I have to face up to these consequences because I created them. Yes, it is difficult but I have a tremendous support system behind me and not matter what happens I will get through this very dark time. Also, when my attorney told me about the 8 years it hit very hard even if I have to serve only (ONLY???) 4 years. This is a formative part of my children's lives and I really don't want to miss any of it but I will have to do what is required of me because again I caused this misery. It took me 20 plus years to get this horrible point in my life but I have so many things in my life to be thankful for and I will become a much better person because of this dilemma.

By the way we felt another earthquake today, two in five days and the fifth one since we have been living on the West Coast. This one felt different than the one on Sunday. It was more of a rolling feeling as opposed to the one Sunday which had a violent shaking feeling. The earthquake today was smaller (4.9 on the Richter Scale) than the one on Sunday and the earthquake today was centered around 75 miles northeast from where we live. This was the third earthquake California has had in the past five days. There was a very large (7.0 on the Richter Scale) earthquake in the Pacific Ocean off of Northern California on Tuesday. Maybe those folks in Nevada will have beach front property before the year is out!!!

Honesty?

Is honesty the best policy?? For most of my life I have been a little less than honest (snicker snicker!!). I haven't been honest with my family and myself for a very long time. In the past I used honesty very selectively. This has all changed in the past 3 1/2 months, I have been the most honest I have been in my life. I have been honest with my family and myself, yes, it does feel good. However; today I had an interview for probably the only gaming position in the United States which my current situation doesn't automatically rule me ineligible. This particular gaming venue is not regulated and yes, it is still legal. The company is based in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida and they run the cruise to nowhere gambling boats. I think they have five boats all together; one in South Carolina and the rest in Florida.

I interviewed with the Chief Financial Officer over the telephone today for about an hour. It went very well and he wanted me to fly to Florida. Now, I knew there was a good possibility that the company wouldn't find about my current situation because they are not regulated which means their background checks aren't done comprehensively. However; I am still in a legal situation and I have no idea how long this is going to drag out until there is some type of an agreement. If I were to take the position in Florida I would have to make some type of an arrangement to come back to California while the legal proceeding continued and this would be very difficult to "hide". Also, with my new found honesty program I couldn't in good conscience NOT disclose what was going on so I told the CFO about my current situation and he said the obvious; "I can't do anything until the situation is resolved". This is entirely understandable and I had expected this comment. Any illusions of me working in the Gaming industry at least in the United States are gone. I have to move on and just get a job so I can support my family. Yes, I have given myself the ultimate in career changing moments and I finally realized this.

Yesterday, I spoke with the President of the National Council for Problem Gambling about any opportunities they may have such as training or public speaking. This gentleman was very nice and we spoke at length. He thinks my background is a "natural" for training the casino industry on problem gambling and he is correct. I know the casino industry very well and I know (intimately) how to recognize a problem gambler. He referred me to a few people that may have something and he will feature my compulsive gambler true story in their monthly newsletter next month. He said, this may garner some attention in a positive manner. There really is no turning back, I am a Compulsive Gambler and maybe my story will help one person but most importantly each time my story is told it helps me.

I was sent this site please check it out it is AMAZING, here it is http://dailymotivator.com/memberflash/rightnow.html

Willie Wonka

There are some movies which transcend time and Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is one of them. My children really like this movie along with The Wizard of Oz, Mary Poppins and Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. All of these movies are well over thirty-five years old. I had the pleasure of watching Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with my two children sitting on my lap (having my children by my side really puts life in its proper prospective). The movie even held my four year old's attention which is quite a feet!!! No matter when a movie is made if it is a GREAT movie it will play in any generation. I understand they are remaking Willie Wonka and it is due out in theaters some time this summer. If a movie is a great movie why would you do it again? The obvious answer is MONEY but why mess with perfection. No matter how good the second Willie Wonka movie is there is only one original. I believe Johnny Depp is playing Willie Wonka in the new version and this is a good casting call because he is a very gifted actor but there is only one Gene Wilder and thus only one Willie Wonka. I could be wrong about the remake of Willie Wonka but if my 7 and 4 year old like a thirty-five year old movie why mess with it????

I received a wonderful email from my older sister. I know she has had her problems with what I did and really who hasn't. However; she made me feel very good today with some wonderful words. This email meant a great deal to me. She is a wonderful mother and she is a wonderful person. I have some very great people in my family and they all have shown their true character during this very difficult time. I love them all. One more item about my sister, she truly has three exceptional children. I spoke about her oldest daughter last night with the great softball game. Her only son plays a mean saxophone and at 12 years old plays at a Jazz Club on Sundays, how cool is that!! Finally, her youngest daughter is my daughter's soul mate. These two are very different; however; when they get together no one else in the world matters as long as they have each other. My sister is truly blessed and I am truly blessed to be surrounded by these magnificent people.

Earthquake

One of the down falls of living in a place with quite possibly the best weather of anywhere on the planet is dealing with a natural disaster. This morning at 8:41 am we had an earthquake. We have been living on the West Coast for 11 1/2 years and in this time we have only experienced 4 earthquakes, 1 in Las Vegas and 3 in Southern California. Today's earthquake was the most profound because it occurred 25 miles from our house. As earthquakes go it was categorized as moderate quake at 5.6 on the Richter Scale but I think the seismologists were downgrading it to a 5.5 (like this really matters, probably to them and no one else!!). This earthquake was very different than the other 3 because of the intensity. The house shook twice, at first subtly and then what seemed like violently. The shaking lasted about 5 seconds but that 5 seconds is a long time when you are really not sure what is happening. There was no damage to our house but the children were very concerned. Jonathan (my son) was already in our bedroom but he went to get something in his bedroom and came running back asking "what was that?". My daughter (Lauren) was still in her bedroom but came running toward our bedroom as well asking the same question with a very concerned look on her face. My wife and I had the same answer, "it was an earthquake". Like I stated we had no damage and luckily there was no damage in the area. The earthquake was centered in a remote area where there is mostly desert but it was felt in San Diego (60 miles away) and Los Angeles (90 miles away). I was very surprised to see there wasn't any significant damage anywhere, thank goodness. I guess my wife and I are true West Coast people because the earthquake didn't seem to faze either one of us. It was just another beautiful day in Southern California.

We spent most of the afternoon cleaning out the garage, we have a lot of STUFF. We mostly re-arranged the STUFF but managed to sweep out the garage. By the way the STUFF mostly consists of the children's toys; bicycles, skateboards, scooters, sports equipment, etc.. We were able to accomplish our objective which was to clear a path to the refrigerator in the garage and arrange the STUFF neatly.

I wanted to follow-up on my forgiveness statement of yesterday. I want to impress to everyone that I am in no way forgiving and forgetting. First and foremost I have to forgive myself for my past deeds or I will not be able to move forward. Secondly, I CANNOT forget what I have done to myself and my family because I do not want any repeat offenses in the years to come. It is a balancing act, true forgiveness does not mean forgetting. One of the reasons of having this blog is to not forget the past but put it in its proper prospective. What's done is done and no one can change those facts. I had a horrible case of denial and it took a cataclysmic ending to finally succumb to the fact that I am and will always be a compulsive gambler. I fought this feeling for a number of years and now I realize how bad I was.

Full Day

Today started out at 6:00 am. My daughter and I were attending her Brownie (part of the Girl Scouts) father/daughter bowling event at 7:00 am. It was a wonderful event where all the fathers got to take their daughters bowling for two hours and it also included a pancake breakfast. My daughter finished her school year yesterday so technically this was her first day of summer vacation. Much to my surprise before I entered the shower my daughter came into our bedroom fully dressed and ready to go at 6:00 am. I wondered who this girl was because normally I have to wake her up on school days at 7:30 am. I guess the incentive of bowling with her Dad and having pancakes made her get ready so quickly!!! We had a great time and my daughter at the ripe old age of 7 is quite a bowling. She beat one of the Dads!!! Also, she is extremely competitive in anything she does. For example, she bowled a strike and 3 spares in the first game and when she wasn't getting strikes and spares she become very upset. Competitiveness is a good thing if used properly but it can be a detriment if used improperly. I tried to calm her down but she has her own way of processing situations. I can see some conflicts coming!!!

After the bowling I went to the Saturday morning GA meeting a little late. I was debating whether or not I should go but I felt I needed to attend a meeting and I am so happy I went. There was a member with 34 years in the program and he is a stalwart in the program. He gave his therapy and as always I listened intently. He touched on the subject of forgiveness and it hit home for me. Each day is a struggle for me, not the gambling aspect but living with the fact of what I have done. I tell myself to live each day at a time and I can't change the past and I don't know what the future holds so concentrate on today. When this member spoke of forgiveness he was talking about himself. I have been so focused on achieving forgiveness from everyone that I have wronged that I forgot about myself. It is so very important I forgive myself or I cannot move on. I will be stuck in the past. I thought forgiving myself would be construed as a bad sign but I have to forgive myself or I cannot change as a person. So here it goes; I know what I did to myself and my family is the most horrible thing I could do but I DID it. The key word is DID. It is over and I cannot change history. I forgive myself for these horrible deeds and this will make me a better person.

Now I thought my next sentence is a cop out but to truly forgive myself I must make this statement. I did the things I did because I was compelled by an uncontrollable desire to place my next bet. This is not the person I am this was an addiction (some call it a disease) taking over my mind. I could not control this addiction and it cost me dearly. I forgive myself and I am taking the necessary steps to ensure this addiction doesn't rear its ugly head again. There it is and now I can move on.

This evening we attended a farewell barbecue to one of our beloved GA members. He is moving to Wisconsin to be near his family. He has the desire to be the father he couldn't be when he was gambling. This member is charming, has a wonderful sense of humor and best of all he understands the GA program thoroughly. It is not only attending meetings that makes the program it is becoming involved that makes the program work. I have only known him three months but we both have a great deal in common. I consider him a friend and wish him the best of everything.

Finally, I want to congratulate my niece Lisa for having the softball game of her young career. Lisa is a pitcher and has worked very hard at it with her father. All of the training paid off today. She was playing for the championship a championship (as I understand it) that not many people believed her team would get to. Nonetheless, Lisa led her time by pitching a one-hitter, striking out 12 batters and scoring two of her teams four runs. Her team won the game 4-0 and received a huge trophy which they will place with great pleasure in her school. Way to go Lisa we are so proud of you!!!

School's Out

Today was the last day of school for my wonderful first grade daughter. It is hard to imagine she is going into second grade, my where has the time gone. It seems just like yesterday we were welcoming her into the world. I will never forget the first time I saw her big beautiful blue eyes, I think she was 5 seconds old. The doctor gave her over to my wife and my daughter was not crying she was looking all over the hospital room and our eyes met, I have never seen anything more beautiful in my life, I was mesmerized. I would do anything for her.

One of the blessings that comes with my current situation is I am able to attend all of my daughter's school functions. In the past I would attend her function and run back to work, oh how silly I was!! Now, I am able to take in the whole experience. Today the 1st grades were celebrating the last day with a luau. There was a limbo contest, sack races, change your clothes and boot races, face painting, hula hoops, jump ropes and fill the bucket races. It was a wonderful way to celebrate the last day of the school year. It was quite different from my last day of first grade 32 years ago. We were required to go to school for 180 days a year and on the 180th day we went in for an hour and a half. There wasn't a luau or games to play the entire hour and a half was spent going into our new grade. We were able to see our new classroom and new teacher, that was it. I do remember going into my new teacher's classroom but we I went back in September I had a different teacher in a different classroom. I guess that is one of the perk's of having a Mother teach in the same school district. Apparently, my Mother did not want me in this particular teacher's classroom so she was able to change teachers. I think it had to do with the way the teacher taught reading but I am still not sure as to why I was switched. Mom, do you remember?

I wanted to follow-up on my first GA related phone call. I was able to follow-up with the member and appears to be doing alright. The member was a little down but that is the nature of this addiction and the key to dealing with it is HONESTY. I wasn't honest for 21 years and it cost me dearly. I understand the necessity of HONESTY in dealing with my addiction and I will practice this each day.

Wonderful People

My sponsor in Gamblers Anonymous turned 15 tonight. No, he is not teenager he has been an active member of Gamblers Anonymous for 15 years which means he placed his last bet 15 years ago. I think I have written this before but I will repeat the comments about my sponsor. He is a kind, selfless, honest, humble, generous, and giving person. In short he is a wonderful human being. We celebrated his birthday at his home meeting which is 45 minutes away from where I live. There was a tremendous turnout and I met the person who started the Las Vegas Gamblers Anonymous meetings 30 years ago. This person has been an active member of GA for 37 years and even though he resided in Las Vegas 37 years ago they had no GA meetings so he had to drive 5 hours to San Diego where he attended his first meeting. Las Vegas now has the most GA meetings of any town, I believe they have over 100 meetings due to this person who is my sponsor's sponsor (got it??). I guess this makes him my grand sponsor!! He is a lovely gentleman.

Today was a very exciting day for the family. We attended my daughter's 1st grade award ceremony. It brings tears to my eyes when I look at my daughter and see how wonderful she is. (Oh, how could I do what I did knowing what a wonderful family I have? I will have to LIVE with this question the rest of my life and saying I am sorry is not nearly enough.) All of the students in her class received some type of an award whether it was a certificate of citizenship or a reading medal they all received something. My daughter has the most amazing teacher (probably) in the world. Her teacher is just like my sponsor; warm, kind, generous, patient and understanding. She is not only a wonderful teacher she is a wonderful person. Hopefully, through the grace of God my daughter will have her again for 2nd grade. There are some truly amazing people in the world and I had contact with two of them today.

100 Days

It has been 100 days since my last bet. Like I said when I hit the 90 day mark it is just another number on a lifelong journey. I must continue doing the right things or it will be disaster all over again. Today, I received my first Gamblers Anonymous member phone call. A fellow member who I met a few weeks ago went back out and gambled. He needed to talk to someone after his gambling and for some reason chose me. I felt very bad he went back out and gambled but I felt honored he chose to call me. I listened to his re-count of his gambling expedition and commended him for taking the right step and calling someone to admit he went back out and gambled. The first step is to admit you have a problem because without this admission the next 11 steps are moot. I did suggest he go to a meeting and he said he already planned to go to a meeting tomorrow. I would have liked him to go to a meeting this evening but he said he was not up to going to a meeting. I gave him a few encouraging words and told him if he had the urge to go back and gamble to call me BEFORE he goes and gambles. I will follow-up with him tomorrow. No matter how long you have in GA we are all just one bet away from going back to the insanity. I don't want that insanity anymore, I have had enough of it to last many lifetimes.

I may have solved our housing situation. I don't want to go into details because the court will have to agree to everything. I realize all logic goes out the window when dealing with the court so I will save the story when the housing situation is finally decided. If the housing situation is decided upon favorably I hope it is not construed as a bailout because all I am trying to do is stabilize my family for the short term.

I think I finally understand what my attorney is trying to do. He is trying to get all of the restitution together before any sentencing, he calls this mitigating factors. My attorney's contention is that the more you have in restitution the less the jail time. I am not sure I agree with this point because the facts of the case should be you took x amount of money and whether or not you have the same amount money to pay back in restitution your jail time should be the same because you still committed a crime. I would think there should be other mitigating factors involved as well such as; what were the circumstances surrounding the crime, how many victims are involved in the crime, were the victims truly harmed because of the crime and what is the person doing so they don't do this crime or any other crime again. Hey, like I said before common sense and logic doesn't belong in the judicial system.

Learning

Lately everyday I learn something new. Like today I didn't know Home Depot sold televisions but evidently they do!!! Maybe some of you knew this but I didn't. I don't like talking about my Gamblers Anonymous meetings because what is said in those meetings should stay in those meetings. After all it is an anonymous fellowship. Today I must share something about a wonderfully beloved fellow GA member who is moving out of our area and won't be coming to our meetings anymore. I am sure this person will continue in GA in their new home state. Ninety-nine days ago I met this person and instantly had a bond. I will truly miss their wit, wisdom and sense of humor. I wish this person the best of everything in their new home. There are some wonderful compulsive gamblers in this world and this person is one of them.

I remember something my father told me when I was 18 years old and in trouble with a bookie. He told me to never ever forget the feeling I had when I had to tell him and my mother about the substantial gambling debt. You know what I forgot that feeling and I forgot the feeling I had when I let him down a second time 11 years later. I forgot that feeling because I never reminded myself of this feeling. This is the purpose of Gamblers Anonymous to constantly remind me of what gambling did to me and my family. I repressed both events because I thought I was smarter than the average person and could kick the gambling habit by myself. Oh how wrong I was and it lead me to where I am today.

My Dad (whom I love) is really struggling with his only son (me). He really thought I had it altogether but I fooled him like I fooled everyone else including myself. There will be no more fooling just truth and someday I will earn the trust back but I completely understand it takes a very long time. I did major damage to my and my father's relationship and I do not expect any type of forgiveness. I know he feels I should be working to support my family and it is not for lack of trying but it is very difficult. I will not make excuses I will keep on trying and someday I will write about me finally getting a job but before this happens I must continue doing the right thing which is living one day at a time.

Email

I asked the producer of the Court TV documentary how he found out about me and he said I sent an email to the National Coalition Against Legalized Gaming (I am not sure why I sent my story to them but I am sure I was not looking to get on TV). The director from this council passed my email on to him and he called me after reading it. I wanted to share this email, here it is:

Dear David,

My first wager was at Pocono Downs Racetrack in Lycoming, Pennsylvania. It was a $2 show bet on the 4 horse in the 3 race. My mother convinced me to bet the horse to show because I had a better chance of winning. I took her advice and the horse won and paid $32 to win but $6.40 to show. I told my mother I would never bet to show again because I wanted to win the $32!! Also, 27 years of off and on gambling I never bet a horse to show!

When I was 16 years old a friend and I started betting on basketball games, $25 a game. We would bet with the manager that worked at the grocery store where I was working in high school. This particular manager lost everything due to gambling and he owed my friend and I $500 and never paid us. After this episode my friend and I thought we could make money betting sports. So we started to bet with a bookie who happened to be my girlfriend's (now wife) neighbor. We were 18 years old and lost $13,400 in one week betting on basketball. We started chasing our losses as soon as we were down $3,000. We were supposed to be cut off once we reached $3,000 but we convinced the bookie we were good for the money (which was a lie because we were both 18 years old and college students with no money!) and he let us finish out the week. We lost all control and ended up losing the $13,400. My Dad who was the Fire Department Captain in our town where the bookie lived and my cousin who was a New Jersey State Trooper bailed my friend and I out. They went to talk to the bookie and convinced him he was wrong taking that kind of action from two 18 year olds.

I was so scared from that episode that I didn't make a bet for the next 5 years. I graduated from college and started working at a very good job a Public Accounting firm in New York City and I started betting sports again with this same friend. All the while I never really won but loved the "action". The money part didn't matter it was whether I had something riding on a game. I couldn't understand how someone could watch a sporting event without having a wager on it. Yes, I was constantly chasing my losses and was never in control. I didn't know I was not in control because I was blinded by gambling. The "action" gave me such a rush that I would do anything and everything to make a bet. When I was 29 years old I declared personal bankruptcy due to my gambling losses. I had accumulated $88,000 in credit card debt to betting on sports. I had and will always have a sickness when it comes to gambling. I still didn't realize I had a problem because the bankruptcy allowed me to start over but I didn't seek treatment for the gambling addiction.

I didn't gamble for 4 years because my wife and I were putting the financial pieces back together and when we finally put all the pieces back together I started sports betting again. I was going to do it right this time. I paid people to give me selections on a daily basis and was going to treat it like investing. Not having self-control when it comes to sports betting I pretty much destroyed my life and the life of my family with my actions in the past 3 years. I got a great job in the casino industry, I was well respected but no one knew my secret life. I had to have action each day and that action came in the form of betting on football, basketball, baseball, hockey, soccer, golf or whatever was going on that day. I was completely out of control and still didn't realize it. I finally realized it when I was confronted by my employer for embezzling and I finally confessed to the fact that I am and will always be a compulsive gambler.

I am in Gamblers Anonymous and I am approaching my 90 day abstinence mark but this is a life long journey. I have gone 4 and 5 years without gambling but I never received any treatment or attended any programs to help compulsive gamblers because I was unwilling to admit I had a problem. Now I get this addiction and accept the fact that I am not like normal people and cannot gamble like normal people and will never be able to gamble like normal people. The inability to control my gambling has destroyed my life and the life of my family, however, my wife for some reason is sticking with me and we will get through this. We have two wonderful children Lauren 7 years old and Jonathan 4 years old and I want to provide for them and see them grow into wonderful people.

Sincerely,

Paul

Hopefully, when the documentary airs some of my thoughts from above connect with one of the viewers and they will seek treatment before the gambling gets totally out of control. Compulsive gambling is such a progressive disorder (as witnessed by my own story and many others) and if not recognized and treated can lead to many bad things.

One final thought I spoke with my sponsor yesterday evening and told him about the interview and as always he was very supportive. He said something that made me feel very good, he told me "he was very proud of me and I am doing all the right things within my power". My sponsor has been in GA for 15 years, faced something very similar to my situation 15 years ago and if I can be half the man he is in 15 years I will be very happy.

The Interview

I spent most of today doing the Courtv interview. The interview was conducted in our living room with the producer of the documentary. Over these past two days I learned a great deal about television production and there is a lot of down time. I think one of the prerequisites to being a producer is having patience and one of the prerequisites to being a camerperson is having a thick skin. These two people work together for at least 12 to 14 hours a day and as you can imagine if you spend that kind of time with one person there is bound to be arguments. These two gentlemen (both were very good guys) didn't argue in front of me but there were some tense times when the sun wasn't reflecting properly.

The producer was asking me questions but I had to answer the questions so they would stand by themselves. When the documentary airs in December or January you will only hear me and not the producer. The producer questions will not air on the finished version. I had to keep this in mind each time I would answer a question so I wouldn't give one word answers such yes or no. I had to rephrase the question and answer the question in one cohesive thought. Hopefully, it turned out alright. I am sure when the final product airs there will be words that come out of my mouth that I will be surprised to hear but I felt very positive about the entire interview. I tried to stay as positive as possible not blame anyone but myself and I even got very emotional when I recounted that faithful day 3 months ago.

My purpose for being on this particular documentary is to show the young people who think they are going to live the good life gambling that it is a fallacy for most people. If you are not careful gambling (any form) will destroy your life and the life of your family. Hopefully I got across the point of no matter how intelligent you think you are gambling can take over your life.

Baseball Game

Yesterday evening we attended a minor league baseball game because my daughter (Lauren) was cheering with her cheerleading team. It was so very cute. At least 100 young ladies from the ages of three to twelve performed a few cheers before the baseball game. No amount of money in the world could provide the joy I had seeing my daughter perform her cheers. After the cheering was completed we all watched a minor league baseball game. The minor leagues keep the children interested because let's face it baseball is not the most fascinating sport to watch when you are four years old (my son). The team kept the interest of most young people between innings with a wonderfully funny mascot and giveaways. Each inning they were throwing tee shirts, baseballs and frisbees into the stand. My son was very upset because we didn't get anything but he was very happy to have his ice cream, oh the little things sure do go a long way. I cherish moments like these so much more and my current situation has taught me to take pride in today and I did. It was a great evening.

Yesterday I went to a casino and today I went to a racetrack. Don't be alarmed I didn't gamble nor did I have any urge to gamble. I went to a casino yesterday to have a lunch interview. It was very surreal interview because these people I had no idea about my situation and I didn't tell them. I suspect they will find out on their own but right now I am under no obligation to disclose anything, am I being dishonest? I don't want to say what the interview was for but I will say they need someone very quickly because it is a mess. Yes, it is an accounting position but it is not with a casino. I think they need a warm body and I am certainly a warm body. Whether or not I get the chance to perform the necessary functions of this position is another story. They told me they would get back to me on Tuesday. I will say it once again; God I hate what I did to myself and my family.

Today I went to a racetrack to do an interview about my current situation. It was the exact opposite of yesterday. The people interviewing me for Courtv knew my situation and I was able to answer their questions. Here is the flip side if I didn't do what I did I wouldn't have met these "TV" people and I must say they appear to be good people. I spent the entire afternoon and evening with these people and I really like them. They even took my entire family out to dinner. We are doing the second half of the interview at my house tomorrow morning. I am the anti-glamour gaming person on the documentary, think of it as "don't let this happen to you".

The reason why we filmed at a racetrack was due to the fact my first "real" bet was made at a racetrack when I was 12 years old. I think my mother remembers but I will refresh everyone else. I took $2 and went to the teller and bet the 4 horse in the 4th race to show because my mother was adamant about me betting show (3rd place), I really wanted to bet the horse to win but I listened to my mother. Well, wouldn't you know it my horse won and paid $32 to win but $6.20 to show. I collected my $6.20 and was very upset at my mother. I never bet another horse to show and never listened to my mother again!!! The exhilarating part about this wager was I placed the wager myself. I know a 12 year old shouldn't place a wager but I always looked older when I was younger (now it is the opposite which I guess is a good thing!) and I thought this was cool. This is not the reason I turned into a compulsive gambler that happened 4 years later but there was something to placing this wager and watching the race knowing I had money it. I didn't understand the sensation in my body at the time and I wouldn't fully realize this sensation until 27 years later. In fact I denied this sensation for years, in only the last 96 days do I completely understand how this sensation affected my life. Some people learn quickly I on the other hand seem to learn very slowly. I get it now!!!

Reality

I drove 65 miles each way for a 15 minute interview. What I thought was a reputable company turned out to be a "boiler room" operation. The young man that "interviewed" (I am not sure spending 15 minutes with someone constitutes an interview, but oh well!) me had a whole sheet of questions based on previous sales experience. I guess he didn't realize I had NO sales experience so we went over the basics of the job which took 2 minutes and the remaining 13 minutes consisted of a tour of the office and some small talk. By the way the basics of the position is "cold calling", this was the only thing. He asked me how I felt "cold calling" companies and I answered I have no problem cold calling anyone as long as I believe in the product and the company that supports the product. This is a strictly commissioned based position meaning if you don't sell you don't get paid. I know my situation is dire but driving an hour and 10 minutes without traffic each way to "cold call" companies with no guarantee of anything does not make me very enthusiastic, maybe it is my reality but I could find something closer to home so I wouldn't get killed by the gas prices. Again, sorry to disappoint those that believe I should get any job. I will turn my sights on the car dealerships next week at least they are close to home.

It has been a tough few days and I would suspect the days won't get any easier but I have my health and my family. These two things mean a great deal to me and I need to continue to concentrate on the positive aspects of my life. I also need to continue to make the progressive character change so I don't repeat the mistakes of the past. Finally, I need to focus on today because this is the only certainty we all have.

Feelings

Some days are certainly better than other days and today was one of those "other" days. I can sit here and feel sorry for myself and for my family but what good does that do, NO GOOD!! I did what I did and I can't change that, all the wishing and hoping won't change a thing. What I have is today and what I have is a WONDERFUL family. I have an unbelievable wife and two awesome children, no matter what happens to me you can't take that away. I love them with all my heart and soul. Without them I am nothing and knowing I have them in my life keeps me going. Yes, it is very hard to come to terms with what I did to everyone (including myself) and I don't know if I will ever come to terms with it but I can't wallow in self pity, I have no right. The full measure of a person comes in adverse times and these are adverse times, only time will tell how this adversity was dealt with.

I am going on an interview tomorrow for an Internet Consultant position. It seems like everyone is an Internet Consultant!!! It appears to be a real job with a real company. Here is their website www.z57.com and no it is not MLM or network marketing it is an inside sales position. I have to take what I can get, beggars cannot not be choosy. I will fill everyone in tomorrow.