Happy Halloween to all those who celebrate Halloween. Tonight my children and my wife will go trick or treating while I stay home and dole out the candy to the treat or treaters. My daughter is going as a half devil and half angel which is appropriate for her. Actually she really is an angel but like most of us she has her moments. My son is going as the Red Power Ranger. Now I thought the Power Rangers went out of fashion a few years ago but they seem to have resurrected themselves. In typical four year old boy fashion he loves the Power Rangers because they get to beat up people.
It is unusually warm for Halloween but so goes the weather in Southern California. Today the temperature will top out at 90 degrees with the warm winds blowing from the east. These winds really dry things out and have a tendency to spark some wild fires. Hopefully, Halloween will be a safe day.
On Saturday we had a celebration Gamblers Anonymous meeting with two birthdays. One member was celebrating 3 years of abstinence from gambling and another member 2 years. Both of these members have had a big influence on my recovery and it is wonderful to see people having a successful recovery the Program certainly works if you work it. As always the meeting was very nice and because these two members are so well liked all of the comments were extremely positive. We really have a special group of people in our Gamblers Anonymous fellowship and I am honored to be a part of it.
As you can see over the past few days I have been posting stories relating to gambling and compulsive gambling. These stories really help in my recovery because there is always hope. The amazing issue regarding yesterday's article was at 61 years old the lady decided to change her life. It really doesn't matter how old your are or what type of situation compulsive gambling has gotten you into, you can always recover by taking the necessary steps. This lady has been gamble free for 15 years and at the young age of 75 she is looking forward in her life one day at a time.
One line in the article read; "the stories of the same", I would have to disagree because the stories maybe different but the cause is always the same; "compulsive gamblers simply cannot stop gambling". It really wasn't simple for me because I could not stop gambling even though I had numerous wake up calls along the way I continued to gamble. Not until I was face with utter devastation did I finally admit I am a compulsive gambler and I need help. These two things are the keys in my recovery; number one I am a compulsive gambler and will be one the rest of my life but it doesn't mean I have to continue reliving those past mistakes and number two; I need help because I cannot do this myself. I tried to do it myself and failed miserably. Through my Higher Power, the Gamblers Anonymous Program, my family and my friends I am not alone in battling this disease. I can arrest this disease but it must be arrested one day at a time.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Sunday, October 30, 2005
Deep in the Brains of Gamblers
This article sums up my 20 plus year struggle with compulsive gambling and also points to hope. I know there is hope because I am very involved with Gamblers Anonymous, I have a wonderful support network from my family and friends and I know I am not alone on this journey. My life is full of hope because I am finally living openly and honestly one day at a time.
Deep in the Brains of Gamblers
Researchers have found that pathological gambling is a disease: The brains of addicts are wired differently than those of nongamblers.
The day that Marilyn Lancelot won the biggest jackpot of her life, she left the casino in Yuma, Ariz., with every penny of the $4,000 that had poured out of the slot machines. This time she knew that she would never gamble again.
She was right, although not for the reasons she thought. The next day, seven police cars appeared in her Phoenix driveway and she was taken out of her house in handcuffs. Lancelot, a 61-year-old grandmother had embezzled more than $300,000 from her employer to support her gambling addiction.
"I had something wrong with me," says Lancelot, now 75 and living in a retirement community in Phoenix. "Some people can't think that gambling is an illness but maybe it is. I know that I couldn't stop. My head wouldn't let me."Lancelot's turn of phrase contains clinical truth.
Researchers are learning that the heads -- or to be more accurate, the brains -- of pathological gamblers are biologically different from those of most of the estimated 73 million Americans who are able to play bingo, pull the arm of a slot machine or flip some aces and then simply stop. Not only does the research shed light on how this addiction is both similar and distinct from other addictive disorders, it also could contribute to new treatments.
An easy temptation
The need is undeniable. With legalized gambling in 48 states, 40 states with lotteries and online gambling available in any home with Internet access and a credit card, the triumph of the occasional big win has been accompanied by a rich yield of individual lives in shambles.
About 1.6 percent of Americans have a full-blown gambling addiction and an additional 2 percent have a serious problem with gambling, says Jon Grant, assistant professor of psychiatry at Brown Medical School and author of Stop Me Because I Can't Stop Myself (McGraw Hill, 2003). By these estimates, nearly 4 percent of the population experiences a mild to severe gambling problem -- and as the number of gamblers goes up, so does the number of those with a gambling problem.
Now, with the aid of neuroimaging techniques and a greater understanding of neurotransmitters, researchers are discovering that the brain's hard-wired reward system and frontal lobes have certain unique characteristics in these gamblers. Even some of their personalities and genes may be different from those without gambling problems."We are finding that pathological gambling is very definitely a brain disease," says Timothy Fong, a psychiatrist and co-director of the Gambling Studies Program at the University of California, Los Angeles.
"The central question is: Were pathological gamblers born that way or are the changes in their brains the results of excessive gambling? We are far from answering that question in a meaningful way."
Stories are the same
Pathological, or compulsive, gamblers simply cannot stop gambling, even when their losses cripple their lives. The narratives, though as unique as each life, have a similar trajectory: a fascination, then obsession with gambling, punctuated by a few wins and colossal losses often involving houses, jobs, personal relations and savings, finally resulting in a shattered life.
Nearly 20 percent of pathological gamblers have filed for bankruptcy protection, compared with 4.2 percent of nongamblers. But perhaps a more telling, and certainly more tragic consequence, is that compulsive gamblers are nearly four times as likely to have attempted suicide than noncompulsive gamblers.
The explanation for why gambling is the drug of choice for one person, and for another it's heroin is still unknown. But the key to most addictions can be found in the brain's reward system, particularly a region called the ventral striatum. Neuroimaging studies of compulsive gamblers point to a different functioning in this neural system.
A study published in February in the journal Nature Neuroscience compared 12 pathological gamblers and 12 healthy people. While lying in a functional magnetic resonance imaging machine, all were asked to choose a playing card by pressing a button. If the card was red, they won money; otherwise they lost money.The task activated the ventral striatum, an area of the brain that is primed for pleasure and reward-seeking behavior. But the experience of pleasure was far less pronounced for pathological gamblers. The more serious the gambling problem, the less activation of that region.
When the area is working normally, it responds to pleasure stimuli -- such as winning money or getting a gift -- filling us with a sense of happiness or satisfaction. When it is not working properly, as in cocaine addicts, this area seems almost indifferent. What would make a normal person react does nothing for people addicted to substances or behaviors. Even more stimuli, such as drugs, alcohol or gambling, are needed to feel the pleasure from a particular activity.
Research presented at the American Academy of Neurology meeting in April found that executive function, the brain circuitry that underlies inhibition and self-control, was deeply impaired in pathological gamblers. These impairments made the gamblers unable to truly comprehend the trade-off between short-term reward and long-term negative consequences.
And many studies suggest that compulsive gamblers may have reduced frontal-lobe activity, which may in turn be triggered by decreased activity in the basal ganglia, a deeper part of the forebrain that generates two important neurotransmitters called dopamine and norepine-phrine.
The feel-good neurotransmitter dopamine, in particular, has intrigued those studying compulsive gamblers. Several studies have looked at a dopamine receptor gene and have found real differences in the structure of that gene between gamblers and nongamblers.
That genetic predisposition has direct consequences on brain chemistry. The dopamine receptor sites in the midbrain that are driven by anticipation, but uncertain of the rewards, are especially sensitive. They require more and more dopamine to create the rush of happiness and satisfaction.
When gambling is the trigger for the dopamine rush, a vicious cycle is created.Drug results are encouragingUntil now, treatment has consisted primarily of cognitive behavioral therapy, which can help gamblers control impulses. But increasing understanding of the neurobiology of the disorder may result in new and more effective treatments.
One promising treatment is the drug naltrexone. In several preliminary studies, that drug reduced the urge to gamble and when gambling occurred, there was much less enjoyment or enthusiasm for it. Side effects can be unpleasant, and the drug can be toxic to the liver.
Marilyn Lancelot credits her recovery to a treatment program, not with drugs. She changed her behavior and simply stopped gambling. For other people, more intensive supportive therapy is necessary, or even placement in a residential treatment facility where each hour of the day is scheduled.
Lancelot now boasts a triple-A credit rating, works part time and is saving money. In January she will celebrate 15 years of being free from gambling. "I'll bet that the next 15 will be even better," she says. "But I don't bet."
Deep in the Brains of Gamblers
Researchers have found that pathological gambling is a disease: The brains of addicts are wired differently than those of nongamblers.
The day that Marilyn Lancelot won the biggest jackpot of her life, she left the casino in Yuma, Ariz., with every penny of the $4,000 that had poured out of the slot machines. This time she knew that she would never gamble again.
She was right, although not for the reasons she thought. The next day, seven police cars appeared in her Phoenix driveway and she was taken out of her house in handcuffs. Lancelot, a 61-year-old grandmother had embezzled more than $300,000 from her employer to support her gambling addiction.
"I had something wrong with me," says Lancelot, now 75 and living in a retirement community in Phoenix. "Some people can't think that gambling is an illness but maybe it is. I know that I couldn't stop. My head wouldn't let me."Lancelot's turn of phrase contains clinical truth.
Researchers are learning that the heads -- or to be more accurate, the brains -- of pathological gamblers are biologically different from those of most of the estimated 73 million Americans who are able to play bingo, pull the arm of a slot machine or flip some aces and then simply stop. Not only does the research shed light on how this addiction is both similar and distinct from other addictive disorders, it also could contribute to new treatments.
An easy temptation
The need is undeniable. With legalized gambling in 48 states, 40 states with lotteries and online gambling available in any home with Internet access and a credit card, the triumph of the occasional big win has been accompanied by a rich yield of individual lives in shambles.
About 1.6 percent of Americans have a full-blown gambling addiction and an additional 2 percent have a serious problem with gambling, says Jon Grant, assistant professor of psychiatry at Brown Medical School and author of Stop Me Because I Can't Stop Myself (McGraw Hill, 2003). By these estimates, nearly 4 percent of the population experiences a mild to severe gambling problem -- and as the number of gamblers goes up, so does the number of those with a gambling problem.
Now, with the aid of neuroimaging techniques and a greater understanding of neurotransmitters, researchers are discovering that the brain's hard-wired reward system and frontal lobes have certain unique characteristics in these gamblers. Even some of their personalities and genes may be different from those without gambling problems."We are finding that pathological gambling is very definitely a brain disease," says Timothy Fong, a psychiatrist and co-director of the Gambling Studies Program at the University of California, Los Angeles.
"The central question is: Were pathological gamblers born that way or are the changes in their brains the results of excessive gambling? We are far from answering that question in a meaningful way."
Stories are the same
Pathological, or compulsive, gamblers simply cannot stop gambling, even when their losses cripple their lives. The narratives, though as unique as each life, have a similar trajectory: a fascination, then obsession with gambling, punctuated by a few wins and colossal losses often involving houses, jobs, personal relations and savings, finally resulting in a shattered life.
Nearly 20 percent of pathological gamblers have filed for bankruptcy protection, compared with 4.2 percent of nongamblers. But perhaps a more telling, and certainly more tragic consequence, is that compulsive gamblers are nearly four times as likely to have attempted suicide than noncompulsive gamblers.
The explanation for why gambling is the drug of choice for one person, and for another it's heroin is still unknown. But the key to most addictions can be found in the brain's reward system, particularly a region called the ventral striatum. Neuroimaging studies of compulsive gamblers point to a different functioning in this neural system.
A study published in February in the journal Nature Neuroscience compared 12 pathological gamblers and 12 healthy people. While lying in a functional magnetic resonance imaging machine, all were asked to choose a playing card by pressing a button. If the card was red, they won money; otherwise they lost money.The task activated the ventral striatum, an area of the brain that is primed for pleasure and reward-seeking behavior. But the experience of pleasure was far less pronounced for pathological gamblers. The more serious the gambling problem, the less activation of that region.
When the area is working normally, it responds to pleasure stimuli -- such as winning money or getting a gift -- filling us with a sense of happiness or satisfaction. When it is not working properly, as in cocaine addicts, this area seems almost indifferent. What would make a normal person react does nothing for people addicted to substances or behaviors. Even more stimuli, such as drugs, alcohol or gambling, are needed to feel the pleasure from a particular activity.
Research presented at the American Academy of Neurology meeting in April found that executive function, the brain circuitry that underlies inhibition and self-control, was deeply impaired in pathological gamblers. These impairments made the gamblers unable to truly comprehend the trade-off between short-term reward and long-term negative consequences.
And many studies suggest that compulsive gamblers may have reduced frontal-lobe activity, which may in turn be triggered by decreased activity in the basal ganglia, a deeper part of the forebrain that generates two important neurotransmitters called dopamine and norepine-phrine.
The feel-good neurotransmitter dopamine, in particular, has intrigued those studying compulsive gamblers. Several studies have looked at a dopamine receptor gene and have found real differences in the structure of that gene between gamblers and nongamblers.
That genetic predisposition has direct consequences on brain chemistry. The dopamine receptor sites in the midbrain that are driven by anticipation, but uncertain of the rewards, are especially sensitive. They require more and more dopamine to create the rush of happiness and satisfaction.
When gambling is the trigger for the dopamine rush, a vicious cycle is created.Drug results are encouragingUntil now, treatment has consisted primarily of cognitive behavioral therapy, which can help gamblers control impulses. But increasing understanding of the neurobiology of the disorder may result in new and more effective treatments.
One promising treatment is the drug naltrexone. In several preliminary studies, that drug reduced the urge to gamble and when gambling occurred, there was much less enjoyment or enthusiasm for it. Side effects can be unpleasant, and the drug can be toxic to the liver.
Marilyn Lancelot credits her recovery to a treatment program, not with drugs. She changed her behavior and simply stopped gambling. For other people, more intensive supportive therapy is necessary, or even placement in a residential treatment facility where each hour of the day is scheduled.
Lancelot now boasts a triple-A credit rating, works part time and is saving money. In January she will celebrate 15 years of being free from gambling. "I'll bet that the next 15 will be even better," she says. "But I don't bet."
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Gambling in Illinois
Imagine if this were to happen in California a few years from now, I think the tribes would be up in arms. I am sure this is much ado about nothing and Illinois has always been a "crazy" state when it came to casino gambling but the legislators are threatening to abolish the industry which is surely making the casino operators "crazy". Also please notice there is no mention about problem gambling in this article; it is all about the money and how to get a piece. Finally, Illinois has the highest tax rate on the operators in the country so it can never be "enough". Here is the article;
Gambling bill frightens East Peoria
EAST PEORIA - City officials Friday considered Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan's latest legislative maneuver the equivalent of popping a balloon behind their backs.
It caused no immediate harm and probably will amount to nothing. But Madigan's decision to push a bill to abolish riverboat gambling statewide through the House left local officials contemplating a few choice words in response.
The 67-42 vote was "irresponsible," East Peoria city attorney Dennis Triggs said.
"It certainly is" scaring smaller cities like East Peoria that have come to rely heavily on the local gambling tax revenues the state's nine riverboats provide, City Council Commissioner Harold Fogelmark said.
If that revenue were to suddenly disappear, "The city would survive, but it'd be a serious blow and we'd have to restructure the (city) budget," Triggs said.
Under one scenario, the city would have to nearly double its property tax rate to replace the $4 million it receives annually in gambling taxes from the Par-A-Dice Riverboat Casino, City Administrator Tom Brimberry said. While the money is used only for capital projects and not for general operations, it still amounts to nearly 13 percent of the city's current budget.
Madigan said Thursday the state's Riverboat Gambling Act, which legalized casino gambling in 1991, is "broke" and should be retooled to provide a "fair return" to state residents in exchange for the millions the casinos' owners have made.
"Obviously, we're concerned (the state) would be looking" at abolishing the gaming law, said Rob Stillwell, spokesman for Boyd Gaming Inc. of Las Vegas, which owns the Par-A-Dice. "I think any business would be. We'll be monitoring it very closely."
City officials consider the Thursday vote merely a shot over the bow of the state's riverboat casino industry and don't expect the Senate to even consider a gaming ban.
The vote, however, prompted them to reflect on the impact the Par-A-Dice has come to wield, not only on the city's budget, but on recent and future public/private development projects and the Peoria area's economic health in general.
Nearly three-quarters of the city's usual $4 million share of gambling taxes - another $4 million goes to the city of Peoria - covers annual debt payments on loans the city required for several major projects. Those include EastSide Centre and the coming Embassy Suites hotel and city-owned convention center.
"You'd have to put up a for-sale sign" at the city's EastPort Marina as well, said city Public Works Director Rick Jeremiah.
The remaining $1 million this budget year will pay for new police cars and fire department equipment and further development of the RiverFront Park.
With about 1,000 employees, the Par-A-Dice has become the fifth-largest non-manufacturing employer in the Peoria area, behind the two largest hospitals and colleges, said East Peoria Chamber of Commerce Director Charles Moore.
As a tourist draw, the Par-A-Dice has become the area's driving engine. Millions of dollars in sales and hotel tax revenue now arrive into the area economy with visitors who "intermix" a trip to the casino with other recreational activities, Brimberry said.
And with its boat and adjacent hotel, the Par-A-Dice has an assessed property tax evaluation of $5.5 million, second in the city only to Caterpillar Inc.'s properties.
"Think of the impact that has on the local school and property districts," Brimberry said.
Gambling bill frightens East Peoria
EAST PEORIA - City officials Friday considered Illinois House Speaker Michael Madigan's latest legislative maneuver the equivalent of popping a balloon behind their backs.
It caused no immediate harm and probably will amount to nothing. But Madigan's decision to push a bill to abolish riverboat gambling statewide through the House left local officials contemplating a few choice words in response.
The 67-42 vote was "irresponsible," East Peoria city attorney Dennis Triggs said.
"It certainly is" scaring smaller cities like East Peoria that have come to rely heavily on the local gambling tax revenues the state's nine riverboats provide, City Council Commissioner Harold Fogelmark said.
If that revenue were to suddenly disappear, "The city would survive, but it'd be a serious blow and we'd have to restructure the (city) budget," Triggs said.
Under one scenario, the city would have to nearly double its property tax rate to replace the $4 million it receives annually in gambling taxes from the Par-A-Dice Riverboat Casino, City Administrator Tom Brimberry said. While the money is used only for capital projects and not for general operations, it still amounts to nearly 13 percent of the city's current budget.
Madigan said Thursday the state's Riverboat Gambling Act, which legalized casino gambling in 1991, is "broke" and should be retooled to provide a "fair return" to state residents in exchange for the millions the casinos' owners have made.
"Obviously, we're concerned (the state) would be looking" at abolishing the gaming law, said Rob Stillwell, spokesman for Boyd Gaming Inc. of Las Vegas, which owns the Par-A-Dice. "I think any business would be. We'll be monitoring it very closely."
City officials consider the Thursday vote merely a shot over the bow of the state's riverboat casino industry and don't expect the Senate to even consider a gaming ban.
The vote, however, prompted them to reflect on the impact the Par-A-Dice has come to wield, not only on the city's budget, but on recent and future public/private development projects and the Peoria area's economic health in general.
Nearly three-quarters of the city's usual $4 million share of gambling taxes - another $4 million goes to the city of Peoria - covers annual debt payments on loans the city required for several major projects. Those include EastSide Centre and the coming Embassy Suites hotel and city-owned convention center.
"You'd have to put up a for-sale sign" at the city's EastPort Marina as well, said city Public Works Director Rick Jeremiah.
The remaining $1 million this budget year will pay for new police cars and fire department equipment and further development of the RiverFront Park.
With about 1,000 employees, the Par-A-Dice has become the fifth-largest non-manufacturing employer in the Peoria area, behind the two largest hospitals and colleges, said East Peoria Chamber of Commerce Director Charles Moore.
As a tourist draw, the Par-A-Dice has become the area's driving engine. Millions of dollars in sales and hotel tax revenue now arrive into the area economy with visitors who "intermix" a trip to the casino with other recreational activities, Brimberry said.
And with its boat and adjacent hotel, the Par-A-Dice has an assessed property tax evaluation of $5.5 million, second in the city only to Caterpillar Inc.'s properties.
"Think of the impact that has on the local school and property districts," Brimberry said.
Friday, October 28, 2005
Dreams
My son maybe the happiest person on the face of this earth. He always has a smile on his face and even when he gets into trouble he still has this smile. Sometimes it is very difficult to discipline him because he is so darn happy. He is even happy when he is half asleep. My wife has gotten him into the habit of waking him up before she and I go to bed. He still wears a pull-up (kid diaper) when he goes to sleep because he has a habit of not being able to get up and go to the bathroom and my wife was very tired of changing his sheets. Every evening before my wife and I go to bed she wakes up my son and takes him to the bathroom. Most people are little annoyed when they are woken up like my daughter but not my son. He walks half asleep to the bathroom does his business and always gives me a smile which makes my heart melt. He is so very precious and I love him so very much.
In Gamblers Anonymous I have heard many people say they have "gambling dreams" when they first enter the Program. I haven't had any gambling dreams when I first entered the Program maybe because I was pre-occupied with my other situation because I had many "other" type dreams. Usually these dreams had to do with my previous employment and people who I worked with. Last night was my first "gambling dream" and it was very vivid.
I was in a car going to a convenience store to get milk and bread but for some reason this convenience store was very far from my house and it was in a wooded area. I pulled up to the convenience store to find it was closed. I pulled my car around to the back of the store in a very wooded area and for some reason decided to call a bookie to place a bet. I dialed the telephone number, spoke to someone and started to place my bets. As I was placing my bets I kept hearing the voices of my son and daughter. I don't know what they were saying but I heard there voices quite clearly. As I put the bets in the voices kept getting louder and louder. I couldn't concentrate on my bets and I finally told the bookie to cancel all of my bets. I looked around my car for my children and they weren't there. Their voices were in my head and thank God they were.
I know this was only a dream but at least my subconscious is starting to get my recovery. Early on in my recovery I had a very wise man with 5 years of abstinence from gambling tell me; "every time you think about placing a wager you think about your family and what you are taking away from them as you place that wager and don't make that wager". As I was trying to place the wager in my dream I heard the voices of my children which stopped me from getting on that slippery slope to death.
My 20 plus years of gambling I didn't have these thoughts in fact I had no thoughts; I just placed wagers without fear of the consequences. There are some very significant consequences for me to gambling again and the most significant one would be losing my family. This is not a risk I am willing to take. Today marks eight months from my last wager and it really has been an incredible eight months. I look forward to many more and I know the road to getting there is paved one day at a time.
In Gamblers Anonymous I have heard many people say they have "gambling dreams" when they first enter the Program. I haven't had any gambling dreams when I first entered the Program maybe because I was pre-occupied with my other situation because I had many "other" type dreams. Usually these dreams had to do with my previous employment and people who I worked with. Last night was my first "gambling dream" and it was very vivid.
I was in a car going to a convenience store to get milk and bread but for some reason this convenience store was very far from my house and it was in a wooded area. I pulled up to the convenience store to find it was closed. I pulled my car around to the back of the store in a very wooded area and for some reason decided to call a bookie to place a bet. I dialed the telephone number, spoke to someone and started to place my bets. As I was placing my bets I kept hearing the voices of my son and daughter. I don't know what they were saying but I heard there voices quite clearly. As I put the bets in the voices kept getting louder and louder. I couldn't concentrate on my bets and I finally told the bookie to cancel all of my bets. I looked around my car for my children and they weren't there. Their voices were in my head and thank God they were.
I know this was only a dream but at least my subconscious is starting to get my recovery. Early on in my recovery I had a very wise man with 5 years of abstinence from gambling tell me; "every time you think about placing a wager you think about your family and what you are taking away from them as you place that wager and don't make that wager". As I was trying to place the wager in my dream I heard the voices of my children which stopped me from getting on that slippery slope to death.
My 20 plus years of gambling I didn't have these thoughts in fact I had no thoughts; I just placed wagers without fear of the consequences. There are some very significant consequences for me to gambling again and the most significant one would be losing my family. This is not a risk I am willing to take. Today marks eight months from my last wager and it really has been an incredible eight months. I look forward to many more and I know the road to getting there is paved one day at a time.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Confucius
"Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall." --Confucius. Obviously Confucius was a very wise man who was born over 2500 years ago. Yes, I would consider what I have done to myself and my family as a failure but I must rise and move forward. Without rising and moving forward through positive purpose life would not have any mean. Living with a positive purpose and cherishing all of the blessings God has bestowed upon me makes life that much better. Also, living life in reality (not fantasy) and being in touch (which means being honest with myself) with myself makes a true life.
The fundamental virtue of Confucianism (say that three times fast!!) is love others. Fairly simple philosophy but sometimes is hard to put into practice. To love others one has to love themselves. How can you give something away that you do not have? Answer; you cannot. Over the past 20 years I have never looked inside myself and did not know the true person. I had an idea of who I wanted to be but I didn't know who I was. (Make sense?) Over the past 8 months I have looked inside honestly and truthfully; and I am starting to discover who I am. I know what I am not so now I have to work on what I am.
Some of the tenets of Confucianism are benevolence, charity, humanity, love and kindness. This works both ways internally and externally. I have to be these things to myself before I can give these gifts away. Self-worth is not determined by how much money I have in the bank it is determined by how I value my self. I am getting better and have a long way to go. I have so much more to learn and this will never stop as each day passes I learn more and more. I am enlightened by how much I continue to learn. Once I stop learning I stop living this is why I choose to learn something one day at a time.
Yesterday's article "Gambling Obsession Hurts Entire Family" is so true. My wife and children have been hurt by MY compulsive gambling actions. This is one of the horrible side effects of compulsive gambling. Not only does the compulsive gambler ruin their life but the lives of their loved ones. In many cases the loved ones leave the compulsive gambler and rightfully so. But in other cases the loved ones support the compulsive gambler. Thank God in my case my loved ones have supported me through this horrible ordeal. Every day I thank God for these wonderful people because without them my life would not exist. I thank everyone for standing by me through this terrible time. I will get through this and be the person I am destined to be because my life was awakened some 8 months ago.
Also in the article yesterday I referred to what is manageable. Manageable to me in regards to my compulsive gambling is to not a place a wager today; this is how I manage my obsession. I know there are many theories which may suggest "responsible" gambling but in my case "responsible" would soon turn into "irresponsible" in a blink of an eye. I now know one of my limitations which is to not gamble today and everything else will take care of itself.
I cannot think of yesterday only to put it in its proper context and who knows what tomorrow will bring so today is my most precious commodity along with all of my blessings. I am so thankful to have failed miserably because I would still be wondering around in the abyss of my life. This abyss did have a bottom and I am so glad I found it. I continue to rise after this miserable failure and this rise finally has substance.
The fundamental virtue of Confucianism (say that three times fast!!) is love others. Fairly simple philosophy but sometimes is hard to put into practice. To love others one has to love themselves. How can you give something away that you do not have? Answer; you cannot. Over the past 20 years I have never looked inside myself and did not know the true person. I had an idea of who I wanted to be but I didn't know who I was. (Make sense?) Over the past 8 months I have looked inside honestly and truthfully; and I am starting to discover who I am. I know what I am not so now I have to work on what I am.
Some of the tenets of Confucianism are benevolence, charity, humanity, love and kindness. This works both ways internally and externally. I have to be these things to myself before I can give these gifts away. Self-worth is not determined by how much money I have in the bank it is determined by how I value my self. I am getting better and have a long way to go. I have so much more to learn and this will never stop as each day passes I learn more and more. I am enlightened by how much I continue to learn. Once I stop learning I stop living this is why I choose to learn something one day at a time.
Yesterday's article "Gambling Obsession Hurts Entire Family" is so true. My wife and children have been hurt by MY compulsive gambling actions. This is one of the horrible side effects of compulsive gambling. Not only does the compulsive gambler ruin their life but the lives of their loved ones. In many cases the loved ones leave the compulsive gambler and rightfully so. But in other cases the loved ones support the compulsive gambler. Thank God in my case my loved ones have supported me through this horrible ordeal. Every day I thank God for these wonderful people because without them my life would not exist. I thank everyone for standing by me through this terrible time. I will get through this and be the person I am destined to be because my life was awakened some 8 months ago.
Also in the article yesterday I referred to what is manageable. Manageable to me in regards to my compulsive gambling is to not a place a wager today; this is how I manage my obsession. I know there are many theories which may suggest "responsible" gambling but in my case "responsible" would soon turn into "irresponsible" in a blink of an eye. I now know one of my limitations which is to not gamble today and everything else will take care of itself.
I cannot think of yesterday only to put it in its proper context and who knows what tomorrow will bring so today is my most precious commodity along with all of my blessings. I am so thankful to have failed miserably because I would still be wondering around in the abyss of my life. This abyss did have a bottom and I am so glad I found it. I continue to rise after this miserable failure and this rise finally has substance.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Gambling Obsession Hurts Entire Family
The following is from the annual conference for the Connecticut Council on Problem Gambling. I do have one question; what is manageable?
Gambling Obsession Hurts Entire Family
Hartford- The lying. The denying. The crying.
Fifty-four-year-old Norwich resident Laura says she is practically a poster child for the way problem gambling can devastate a family. Her second husband beat his addiction to crack cocaine only to develop an obsession with craps, a casino table game.
Laura said his gambling ruined her credit, resulted in their eviction from a Groton apartment and nearly drove her to suicide.
For five or six years, I didn't experience a paycheck or support on a regular basis, she said.
Today she is separated from her husband and in treatment at Bettor Choice, a state program for problem gamblers and their families.
Laura, who uses only her first name in the tradition of the recovery program she attends, was speaking Tuesday at the annual conference of the Connecticut Council on Problem Gambling. The theme this year was gambling's impact on youth and families, and Laura, who said her stepchildren were also harmed, thought it was important to tell her story. As an African-American woman, she is particularly concerned that the message is not reaching the black community.
Laura's husband would put on his work uniform and pretend he was going to work, but would instead go to the casino, she said. Since she worked at her state job during the day, and her husband worked at night, she didn't see the bills coming in or receive phone calls from bill collectors, so she was not aware of the financial hole he was digging. When he finally confessed about his losses, she still didn't understand.
He said, Honey, I'm gambling to pay the bills,' she said. After the eviction and frustrating sessions in court that resulted on one occasion in her paycheck being attached, she concluded that she could not blame herself for his problem and could not enable him to continue. Laura separated from her husband, but all of the residual problems led to depression and, eventually, mental breakdown, she said. One day I could not go to work, she said. My job had to send the police to my house because they were worried.
She checked into a partial mental health hospitalization program at The William W. Backus Hospital. She lived at home but went to the hospital daily.
ÂI did thing is, Idid not gamble, she said. I had to learn how to disengage myself. I had to clean up my credit. I went back to work.
Laura has not divorced her husband, though he is still gambling. She said they still love each other. After she realized that several people in her husband's family and even some of her close relatives have gambling problems, Laura made it her mission to spread awareness. She gave a talk to parents of Norwich Free Academy students recently
What we need to do as a society is become aware of the rippling effects of problem gambling, she said.
The keynote speaker at Tuesday's conference was Dr. Scott Teitelbaum, who had practiced as a pediatrician in Connecticut before he lost his medical license and his family as a result of his drug and sports gambling addictions. Teitelbaum sought treatment, and regained his life and his license to practice medicine. He directs an addiction medicine program at the University of Florida, and on Tuesday met with Connecticut clinicians to talk about ways to help families of problem gamblers and young people.
The state's problem gambling council analyzed Helpline calls from significant others of people with gambling problems for the first time this year, and treatment professionals are analyzing the information and working to develop ways to help families.
Christopher Armentano, director of the state's problem gambling program, stressed the importance of prevention during his afternoon address. He suggested families and recovered gamblers could form an organization similar to Mothers Against Drunk Driving, to carry the message the way MADD has done.
He also called on individuals, the gambling industry and the government to accept responsibility for problem gambling. The state's problem gambling treatment programs are funded, largely, by the casinos, lottery and other gambling providers. He said there has to be a way to help people reduce their obsessive behavior and keep things at a manageable level.
I would like to see that people aren't so in need of hope that Powerball is not the lead on the nightly news, he said.
Gambling Obsession Hurts Entire Family
Hartford- The lying. The denying. The crying.
Fifty-four-year-old Norwich resident Laura says she is practically a poster child for the way problem gambling can devastate a family. Her second husband beat his addiction to crack cocaine only to develop an obsession with craps, a casino table game.
Laura said his gambling ruined her credit, resulted in their eviction from a Groton apartment and nearly drove her to suicide.
For five or six years, I didn't experience a paycheck or support on a regular basis, she said.
Today she is separated from her husband and in treatment at Bettor Choice, a state program for problem gamblers and their families.
Laura, who uses only her first name in the tradition of the recovery program she attends, was speaking Tuesday at the annual conference of the Connecticut Council on Problem Gambling. The theme this year was gambling's impact on youth and families, and Laura, who said her stepchildren were also harmed, thought it was important to tell her story. As an African-American woman, she is particularly concerned that the message is not reaching the black community.
Laura's husband would put on his work uniform and pretend he was going to work, but would instead go to the casino, she said. Since she worked at her state job during the day, and her husband worked at night, she didn't see the bills coming in or receive phone calls from bill collectors, so she was not aware of the financial hole he was digging. When he finally confessed about his losses, she still didn't understand.
He said, Honey, I'm gambling to pay the bills,' she said. After the eviction and frustrating sessions in court that resulted on one occasion in her paycheck being attached, she concluded that she could not blame herself for his problem and could not enable him to continue. Laura separated from her husband, but all of the residual problems led to depression and, eventually, mental breakdown, she said. One day I could not go to work, she said. My job had to send the police to my house because they were worried.
She checked into a partial mental health hospitalization program at The William W. Backus Hospital. She lived at home but went to the hospital daily.
ÂI did thing is, Idid not gamble, she said. I had to learn how to disengage myself. I had to clean up my credit. I went back to work.
Laura has not divorced her husband, though he is still gambling. She said they still love each other. After she realized that several people in her husband's family and even some of her close relatives have gambling problems, Laura made it her mission to spread awareness. She gave a talk to parents of Norwich Free Academy students recently
What we need to do as a society is become aware of the rippling effects of problem gambling, she said.
The keynote speaker at Tuesday's conference was Dr. Scott Teitelbaum, who had practiced as a pediatrician in Connecticut before he lost his medical license and his family as a result of his drug and sports gambling addictions. Teitelbaum sought treatment, and regained his life and his license to practice medicine. He directs an addiction medicine program at the University of Florida, and on Tuesday met with Connecticut clinicians to talk about ways to help families of problem gamblers and young people.
The state's problem gambling council analyzed Helpline calls from significant others of people with gambling problems for the first time this year, and treatment professionals are analyzing the information and working to develop ways to help families.
Christopher Armentano, director of the state's problem gambling program, stressed the importance of prevention during his afternoon address. He suggested families and recovered gamblers could form an organization similar to Mothers Against Drunk Driving, to carry the message the way MADD has done.
He also called on individuals, the gambling industry and the government to accept responsibility for problem gambling. The state's problem gambling treatment programs are funded, largely, by the casinos, lottery and other gambling providers. He said there has to be a way to help people reduce their obsessive behavior and keep things at a manageable level.
I would like to see that people aren't so in need of hope that Powerball is not the lead on the nightly news, he said.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Ultimate Freedom
The last October celebration has come upon us my where has the month gone?? Happy Anniversary to my sister and her husband. Happy 19th Anniversary!! I hope the two of you had an enjoyable day. It is hard to believe 19 years has passed so quickly. I remember their wedding so clearly as it were yesterday because they were married on the night of the sixth game of the World Series between the New York Mets and Boston Red Sox. If any of you are baseball fans you know what happened in this game and up until last year when the Red Sox won the World Series the city of Boston was cursed. I remember the wedding quite well and I was able to see the famous (or some may say infamous) play which allowed the Mets to continue the World Series where they ultimately won it in 7 games.
Ironically enough I didn't have a bet on the game because I was recovering from my first disaster with compulsive gambling and I as well as my brother-in-law were big New York Mets fans. I would say my brother-in-law is a much bigger Mets fan than I because he is very passionate about his team. I on the other hand have been tainted by my sports gambling behavior and some how lost my fan interest a few years ago. My favorite team used to be whoever covered the pointspread.
I will never forget that night after the wedding my wife (who was my girlfriend at the time), me, and friends of my sister were driving home from the wedding listening to the game on the radio. One of the people in the car was from Boston and I will never forget the look on his face when the baseball went through Bill Buckner's legs and the Mets won the game. The Mets had no business winning the game but it wasn't the Red Sox time to win and this person had such a dumb founded look I will never forget it. Happy Anniversary Denise and Rob!!!
Changing the subject a little; Viktor Frankl was an Austrian psychiatrist imprisoned by the Nazis in World War II for three years. He wrote a book called Man's Search for Meaning and speaks about man's ULTIMATE FREEDOM, the freedom to choose your ATTITUDE. One quote from this book is all I needed to ring true to me; "WHAT POSSIBLE HELP CAN A NEGATIVE ATTITUDE BE?"
Here is a man who spent 3 years in a Nazi Concentration Camp with death and fear all around him. He could have chosen a negative attitude and no one would blame him for this attitude. He had enough intestinal fortitude to choose a POSITIVE attitude and he SURVIVED the concentration camp. He lived to be 92 years old and his book is filled with wisdom. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be sent to a concentration camp and the fact that this man endured the horrors and unspeakable atrocities is a true test of his power to choose life.
I am in no way comparing my life to living in a concentration life. My life has been filled with ups and downs; with ambivalence and awakenings. Now I realize there is a clear choice to be made and that is to have a positive attitude because having a woe is me attitude and wondering about the what if's and could have and should have will do me no good. I am embracing all of the blessings God has bestowed upon me and living life for the first time with true purpose and meaning. No longer am I a slave to my own demons because I have made the choice to recover and live.
Here is one more quote from Dr. Frankl; "Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible." The key in this statement is responsibility and I must maintain this responsibility to myself, my wife and family one day at a time.
Ironically enough I didn't have a bet on the game because I was recovering from my first disaster with compulsive gambling and I as well as my brother-in-law were big New York Mets fans. I would say my brother-in-law is a much bigger Mets fan than I because he is very passionate about his team. I on the other hand have been tainted by my sports gambling behavior and some how lost my fan interest a few years ago. My favorite team used to be whoever covered the pointspread.
I will never forget that night after the wedding my wife (who was my girlfriend at the time), me, and friends of my sister were driving home from the wedding listening to the game on the radio. One of the people in the car was from Boston and I will never forget the look on his face when the baseball went through Bill Buckner's legs and the Mets won the game. The Mets had no business winning the game but it wasn't the Red Sox time to win and this person had such a dumb founded look I will never forget it. Happy Anniversary Denise and Rob!!!
Changing the subject a little; Viktor Frankl was an Austrian psychiatrist imprisoned by the Nazis in World War II for three years. He wrote a book called Man's Search for Meaning and speaks about man's ULTIMATE FREEDOM, the freedom to choose your ATTITUDE. One quote from this book is all I needed to ring true to me; "WHAT POSSIBLE HELP CAN A NEGATIVE ATTITUDE BE?"
Here is a man who spent 3 years in a Nazi Concentration Camp with death and fear all around him. He could have chosen a negative attitude and no one would blame him for this attitude. He had enough intestinal fortitude to choose a POSITIVE attitude and he SURVIVED the concentration camp. He lived to be 92 years old and his book is filled with wisdom. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be sent to a concentration camp and the fact that this man endured the horrors and unspeakable atrocities is a true test of his power to choose life.
I am in no way comparing my life to living in a concentration life. My life has been filled with ups and downs; with ambivalence and awakenings. Now I realize there is a clear choice to be made and that is to have a positive attitude because having a woe is me attitude and wondering about the what if's and could have and should have will do me no good. I am embracing all of the blessings God has bestowed upon me and living life for the first time with true purpose and meaning. No longer am I a slave to my own demons because I have made the choice to recover and live.
Here is one more quote from Dr. Frankl; "Ultimately, man should not ask what the meaning of his life is, but rather must recognize that it is he who is asked. In a word, each man is questioned by life; and he can only answer to life by answering for his own life; to life he can only respond by being responsible." The key in this statement is responsibility and I must maintain this responsibility to myself, my wife and family one day at a time.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Horrible!
Tonight I am going to post this story from Singapore and this is one most horrible compulsive gambling stories I have ever read. Compulsive gambling is truly a baffling insidious addiction; here is the story:
Singapore gambler kills self
HE was a loving husband and father, but he had one vice - gambling. It became so compulsive that he racked up huge debts and it threatened to destroy his marriage. When loan sharks started hounding their home, his wife left with their young son. Three years later, they reconciled when he paid off his debts. They had a second child.
But just as life was looking up, Simon Lee Kok Hwa got sucked back into his gambling addiction and sank into heavy debt again. This time it ended in tragedy - his wife and children were found dead in their Tampines flat after he plunged to his death on 7 Mar this year.
Yesterday, following an inquest into their deaths, his wife's family gave vent to their anger. Anger over how Lee, 40, had ended the lives of his loved ones - and also how his callous, cowardly act had dragged his wife's name into their children's deaths. State Coroner Tan Boon Heng had ruled their deaths as murder-suicide.
He said Lee had committed suicide and was responsible for strangling his wife, Madam Wee Chye Lian, 39, and killing their children, Jonathan, 11, and Sheena, 3. But he added that he could not rule out that Madam Wee might have had a hand in killing the children because the evidence was inconclusive. Her family was upset by the suggestion that she may have helped to sedate the children by feeding them cough syrup.
Said Madam Wee's brother-in-law, who wanted to be known only as Mr Lok: 'It was (Lee's) own doing. She had no part in letting herself or her kids die. It was very irresponsible of him.'
Added his wife, Madam Wee's younger sister, in a choking voice: 'She was a good person, a good wife and a loving mother.' Mr Lok said Lee's wife and children had no clue about his latest gambling debts. Interviews with neighbours and his church pastors at the time of the incident also suggested this.
'We thought he had changed, but he went back to his old ways. He brought it upon himself,' said Mr Lok. He recalled that Madam Wee, an operations executive, had once held a few jobs to help her husband pay off huge gambling debts 10 years ago.
Mr Lok, who's in his mid-30s, said of his sister-in-law: 'She was a dutiful and responsible woman.' Madam Wee's family also tried to help Lee, he added.
'Whatever we can chip in, we will help. 'The father of two even lent Lee $3,000 in February this year. It was his second loan to his brother-in-law. But what angered the family most was Lee's thoughtless act.
Mr Lok said: 'It was wrong of him to take the lives of the others. They were totally innocent.'
Madam Wee was the second of four siblings. Mr Lok said Lee's wife and children had no clue about his gambling debts. Interviews with neighbours and his church pastors at the time of the incident also suggested this.
Mr Lok said: 'If he had told us, we'd have helped him with his debts or work out a way for him.'
Those who knew Lee described him as a doting father. He often gave his kids little treats. Sheena had a room just for her toys, and her pictures were plastered all over the walls of their five-room flat. Jonathan had stacks of books.
Mr Lok said: 'He was a good father, but his gambling habit was just bad. We didn't know he was so compulsive.' Mr Lok's 4-year-old son, who is the same age as Sheena, was upset by her death as they were close playmates. 'The children were obedient and well-behaved,' he said.
Lee and his wife had met when they were still young. By 28, he was an excited father.
But things went downhill 10 years ago when he chalked up $100,000 in gambling debts and turned to loansharks.
His wife, who threatened to divorce him, left with little Jonathan when loan sharks harassed them. Lee took on several jobs and overtime work. He took three years to repay his debts.
He was made a bankrupt in March 1997 and given a discharge in June 2001. He reconciled with his wife after they went for counseling.
Then came the baby girl he always wanted. He cared for her for a month, a friend said.
But a trip to Genting Highlands marked the beginning of the end for Lee. He was said to have gambled away $4,000. He used his credit card to pay for the loss. But when he returned to Singapore, he could not pay the banks and turned to loan sharks again. The amount ballooned to $10,000, which he borrowed from his church to pay the loan sharks.
Still, he continued to borrow more money from others, court documents said.
Perhaps the straw that broke the camel's back was his unit number nearly striking third prize in the 4D draw the evening before the tragedy. He had missed the mark by a digit.
Court documents said he owed relatives, friends, colleagues and loan sharks a total of $32,900.
Lee spent the night before the tragedy writing letters to his parents and siblings. He left behind notes to his insurance companies, his employer, HDB and CPF about money to be left to his parents.
He wrote to his in-laws and their family: 'I may be selfish in a sense by taking their lives but I have no choice. I do not want to suffer anymore.' Lee also requested for them to be buried or cremated as a family.
CORONER'S REPORT
IT seemed Simon Lee Kok Hwa was determined to end his life. He had slashed his wrists before he jumped. And if he had not died in the fall, he would have died of alcohol poisoning.
Lee's toxicology report showed he had consumed ''way beyond the fatal level'' of alcohol.
Before he jumped, he also blindfolded himself with a handkerchief. Constituents of cough mixtures were found in his wife and children. The report said: ''(They) were given and/took this with a common intention, probably at the behest of both the parents so that (they) were partly sedated before their deaths.''
Lee's wife, Madam Wee Chye Lian, was strangled and her children smothered to death. They were all dressed to go out. Several items were found next to their bodies and all three had their passports on or next to them. A pillow was found on top of Madam Wee, while a hand-held Gameboy was next to Jonathan. Sheena, partly covered by a blanket, was hugging Barney, a purple toy dinosaur, her favourite toy.
The police also found one note written in Mandarin, nine written in English and a note with information on debts in the flat.--
Singapore gambler kills self
HE was a loving husband and father, but he had one vice - gambling. It became so compulsive that he racked up huge debts and it threatened to destroy his marriage. When loan sharks started hounding their home, his wife left with their young son. Three years later, they reconciled when he paid off his debts. They had a second child.
But just as life was looking up, Simon Lee Kok Hwa got sucked back into his gambling addiction and sank into heavy debt again. This time it ended in tragedy - his wife and children were found dead in their Tampines flat after he plunged to his death on 7 Mar this year.
Yesterday, following an inquest into their deaths, his wife's family gave vent to their anger. Anger over how Lee, 40, had ended the lives of his loved ones - and also how his callous, cowardly act had dragged his wife's name into their children's deaths. State Coroner Tan Boon Heng had ruled their deaths as murder-suicide.
He said Lee had committed suicide and was responsible for strangling his wife, Madam Wee Chye Lian, 39, and killing their children, Jonathan, 11, and Sheena, 3. But he added that he could not rule out that Madam Wee might have had a hand in killing the children because the evidence was inconclusive. Her family was upset by the suggestion that she may have helped to sedate the children by feeding them cough syrup.
Said Madam Wee's brother-in-law, who wanted to be known only as Mr Lok: 'It was (Lee's) own doing. She had no part in letting herself or her kids die. It was very irresponsible of him.'
Added his wife, Madam Wee's younger sister, in a choking voice: 'She was a good person, a good wife and a loving mother.' Mr Lok said Lee's wife and children had no clue about his latest gambling debts. Interviews with neighbours and his church pastors at the time of the incident also suggested this.
'We thought he had changed, but he went back to his old ways. He brought it upon himself,' said Mr Lok. He recalled that Madam Wee, an operations executive, had once held a few jobs to help her husband pay off huge gambling debts 10 years ago.
Mr Lok, who's in his mid-30s, said of his sister-in-law: 'She was a dutiful and responsible woman.' Madam Wee's family also tried to help Lee, he added.
'Whatever we can chip in, we will help. 'The father of two even lent Lee $3,000 in February this year. It was his second loan to his brother-in-law. But what angered the family most was Lee's thoughtless act.
Mr Lok said: 'It was wrong of him to take the lives of the others. They were totally innocent.'
Madam Wee was the second of four siblings. Mr Lok said Lee's wife and children had no clue about his gambling debts. Interviews with neighbours and his church pastors at the time of the incident also suggested this.
Mr Lok said: 'If he had told us, we'd have helped him with his debts or work out a way for him.'
Those who knew Lee described him as a doting father. He often gave his kids little treats. Sheena had a room just for her toys, and her pictures were plastered all over the walls of their five-room flat. Jonathan had stacks of books.
Mr Lok said: 'He was a good father, but his gambling habit was just bad. We didn't know he was so compulsive.' Mr Lok's 4-year-old son, who is the same age as Sheena, was upset by her death as they were close playmates. 'The children were obedient and well-behaved,' he said.
Lee and his wife had met when they were still young. By 28, he was an excited father.
But things went downhill 10 years ago when he chalked up $100,000 in gambling debts and turned to loansharks.
His wife, who threatened to divorce him, left with little Jonathan when loan sharks harassed them. Lee took on several jobs and overtime work. He took three years to repay his debts.
He was made a bankrupt in March 1997 and given a discharge in June 2001. He reconciled with his wife after they went for counseling.
Then came the baby girl he always wanted. He cared for her for a month, a friend said.
But a trip to Genting Highlands marked the beginning of the end for Lee. He was said to have gambled away $4,000. He used his credit card to pay for the loss. But when he returned to Singapore, he could not pay the banks and turned to loan sharks again. The amount ballooned to $10,000, which he borrowed from his church to pay the loan sharks.
Still, he continued to borrow more money from others, court documents said.
Perhaps the straw that broke the camel's back was his unit number nearly striking third prize in the 4D draw the evening before the tragedy. He had missed the mark by a digit.
Court documents said he owed relatives, friends, colleagues and loan sharks a total of $32,900.
Lee spent the night before the tragedy writing letters to his parents and siblings. He left behind notes to his insurance companies, his employer, HDB and CPF about money to be left to his parents.
He wrote to his in-laws and their family: 'I may be selfish in a sense by taking their lives but I have no choice. I do not want to suffer anymore.' Lee also requested for them to be buried or cremated as a family.
CORONER'S REPORT
IT seemed Simon Lee Kok Hwa was determined to end his life. He had slashed his wrists before he jumped. And if he had not died in the fall, he would have died of alcohol poisoning.
Lee's toxicology report showed he had consumed ''way beyond the fatal level'' of alcohol.
Before he jumped, he also blindfolded himself with a handkerchief. Constituents of cough mixtures were found in his wife and children. The report said: ''(They) were given and/took this with a common intention, probably at the behest of both the parents so that (they) were partly sedated before their deaths.''
Lee's wife, Madam Wee Chye Lian, was strangled and her children smothered to death. They were all dressed to go out. Several items were found next to their bodies and all three had their passports on or next to them. A pillow was found on top of Madam Wee, while a hand-held Gameboy was next to Jonathan. Sheena, partly covered by a blanket, was hugging Barney, a purple toy dinosaur, her favourite toy.
The police also found one note written in Mandarin, nine written in English and a note with information on debts in the flat.--
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Celebration Continues
Yes, today is another October celebration. Happy birthday to my niece Lisa who turns 15 today. It really seems like yesterday my wife, grandmother, mother and me were driving from New Jersey to Pennsylvania to greet little Lisa for the first time. She was a very special little girl and the first great grandchild, first grandchild, first daughter and first niece into our immediate family. She has grown into a fantastic young woman and who by the way throws a mean softball. I hope Lisa had a wonderful day, happy birthday!!
The term cognitive dissonance was brought up in yesterday's Gamblers Anonymous meeting. This is a fancy psychological term which means psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously or putting more simply doing something you know is wrong but cannot stop the behavior because of your beliefs. This describes my actions for a number of years. I knew what I was doing was wrong yet I continued to do it because I could not stop. Seeing this statement written it seems ludicrous because how can a seemingly intelligent sane person do something they know is wrong over and over again. The answer lies in the person's belief system or I should say my belief system.
Here is a further definition of cognitive dissonance; the theory of cognitive dissonance holds that contradicting cognitions serve as a driving force that compels the human mind to acquire or invent new thoughts or beliefs, or to modify existing beliefs, so as to minimize the amount of dissonance (conflict) between cognitions. The human mind is capable of many things and I know my mind would rationalize my behavior to the hilt. How could I continue to make wagers even though my thought processes knew it was wrong because I would rationalize the behavior and distance myself from myself. I think I wrote that last sentence correctly because I became a spectator of my own actions. This is no way diminishes my responsibility for these actions and I take full responsibilities for these actions.
I became ambivalent to myself. This is no way to go through life because life is meant to be lived. I am no longer ambivalent to myself and I am feeling true feelings. It may seem very strange reading these words but this is what was going on in my mind and what is currently going on in my mind. Through the Gamblers Anonymous Program I am regaining my emotions and no longer shut things off. It is a long road to recovery but I am on the road and will continue on this road one day at a time. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring and as long as I don't gamble today and truly feel my feelings things will continue to get better. I like the progress in the past 8 months and I like myself more today than I did eight months ago.
The term cognitive dissonance was brought up in yesterday's Gamblers Anonymous meeting. This is a fancy psychological term which means psychological conflict resulting from incongruous beliefs and attitudes held simultaneously or putting more simply doing something you know is wrong but cannot stop the behavior because of your beliefs. This describes my actions for a number of years. I knew what I was doing was wrong yet I continued to do it because I could not stop. Seeing this statement written it seems ludicrous because how can a seemingly intelligent sane person do something they know is wrong over and over again. The answer lies in the person's belief system or I should say my belief system.
Here is a further definition of cognitive dissonance; the theory of cognitive dissonance holds that contradicting cognitions serve as a driving force that compels the human mind to acquire or invent new thoughts or beliefs, or to modify existing beliefs, so as to minimize the amount of dissonance (conflict) between cognitions. The human mind is capable of many things and I know my mind would rationalize my behavior to the hilt. How could I continue to make wagers even though my thought processes knew it was wrong because I would rationalize the behavior and distance myself from myself. I think I wrote that last sentence correctly because I became a spectator of my own actions. This is no way diminishes my responsibility for these actions and I take full responsibilities for these actions.
I became ambivalent to myself. This is no way to go through life because life is meant to be lived. I am no longer ambivalent to myself and I am feeling true feelings. It may seem very strange reading these words but this is what was going on in my mind and what is currently going on in my mind. Through the Gamblers Anonymous Program I am regaining my emotions and no longer shut things off. It is a long road to recovery but I am on the road and will continue on this road one day at a time. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring and as long as I don't gamble today and truly feel my feelings things will continue to get better. I like the progress in the past 8 months and I like myself more today than I did eight months ago.
Saturday, October 22, 2005
Typical Saturday
Yes, today is another celebratory October day and I would like to wish my sister Denise a very happy birthday. Today is her ? birthday; I won't put the number because we had an episode a few years ago regarding her age which I don't want to repeat. I hope you had a great day, Happy Birthday Older Sister and Aunt Denise we love you very much!!
Today was a very full day. It started out like any other Saturday in the last 8 months by attending the Gamblers Anonymous meeting. Over the last 8 months I have seen this meeting grow. It is good and bad to see so many people turning out for the Gamblers Anonymous meeting. It is bad to see so many people who have problem with gambling but it is so good to see people are doing something to address their problem. To quote my father; "I have more respect for the people who attend the Gamblers Anonymous meeting than those that do not". My father had said this a few months ago after attending a Gam-Anon and Gamblers Anonymous joint birthday meeting. It was so nice to hear him say this because everyone in these rooms is NOT a loser. Each of us may have had tremendous difficulties with our gambling but we are trying to do something about it. Everyone should be commended for their efforts.
I had to leave at the break at the Gamblers Anonymous meeting because my daughter was having a special Brownie ceremony. This is her second year in Brownies and the troupe was welcoming the new members and also re-confirming the returning members. I did attend this ceremony last year and really seams like it was 10 years ago because my recollection of the ceremony is very distant. I did remember meeting one person who now has become a very supportive person in my life but I don't remember much else. I may have been there physically last year but certainly not mentally.
I used to take pride in my "showing up" but that was all just a front. Now I not only "show up" but I participate and my life is so much better. The ceremony was very nice and the girls and the troupe leaders did a fantastic job. My daughter likes to be a Brownie because she gets to sell cookies and her Mom is the "Cookie Mom". Those were the words of my daughter and I don't need to rehash the Girl Scout Cookie saga but it was great to hear my daughter saying those words.
After the Brownie ceremony we went to a birthday party for two of our neighbor's children at a local "jumping" play place. The place had all air type games; such as a giant inflatable slide, an inflatable maze, inflatable joust and boxing ring and other assorted inflatable games. Both of our children had a good time and I not only "showed up" but I participated. If this was a year ago chances are I wouldn't have gone to the party because I would have been looking for a way to place my bets and watch the football games. Oh how short sided I truly was.
Who cares if Arizona State covers; it only meant I had that much more to play the next day. It was a never ending cycle. Tomorrow was always another day but you know what tomorrow never came and it still hasn't! I finally understand today is the most important day because this is all I have. Some day all of those parties and ceremonies will be a thing of the past and I will sit and wonder where has it all gone. Thank God I was woken up 8 months ago and I am choosing to participate in life and not be a by-stander.
Today was a very full day. It started out like any other Saturday in the last 8 months by attending the Gamblers Anonymous meeting. Over the last 8 months I have seen this meeting grow. It is good and bad to see so many people turning out for the Gamblers Anonymous meeting. It is bad to see so many people who have problem with gambling but it is so good to see people are doing something to address their problem. To quote my father; "I have more respect for the people who attend the Gamblers Anonymous meeting than those that do not". My father had said this a few months ago after attending a Gam-Anon and Gamblers Anonymous joint birthday meeting. It was so nice to hear him say this because everyone in these rooms is NOT a loser. Each of us may have had tremendous difficulties with our gambling but we are trying to do something about it. Everyone should be commended for their efforts.
I had to leave at the break at the Gamblers Anonymous meeting because my daughter was having a special Brownie ceremony. This is her second year in Brownies and the troupe was welcoming the new members and also re-confirming the returning members. I did attend this ceremony last year and really seams like it was 10 years ago because my recollection of the ceremony is very distant. I did remember meeting one person who now has become a very supportive person in my life but I don't remember much else. I may have been there physically last year but certainly not mentally.
I used to take pride in my "showing up" but that was all just a front. Now I not only "show up" but I participate and my life is so much better. The ceremony was very nice and the girls and the troupe leaders did a fantastic job. My daughter likes to be a Brownie because she gets to sell cookies and her Mom is the "Cookie Mom". Those were the words of my daughter and I don't need to rehash the Girl Scout Cookie saga but it was great to hear my daughter saying those words.
After the Brownie ceremony we went to a birthday party for two of our neighbor's children at a local "jumping" play place. The place had all air type games; such as a giant inflatable slide, an inflatable maze, inflatable joust and boxing ring and other assorted inflatable games. Both of our children had a good time and I not only "showed up" but I participated. If this was a year ago chances are I wouldn't have gone to the party because I would have been looking for a way to place my bets and watch the football games. Oh how short sided I truly was.
Who cares if Arizona State covers; it only meant I had that much more to play the next day. It was a never ending cycle. Tomorrow was always another day but you know what tomorrow never came and it still hasn't! I finally understand today is the most important day because this is all I have. Some day all of those parties and ceremonies will be a thing of the past and I will sit and wonder where has it all gone. Thank God I was woken up 8 months ago and I am choosing to participate in life and not be a by-stander.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Freedom of Choice
This country was founded on freedom of choice. The early settlers did not like what was going on in their particular country and decided to set out for the brave new world. They would be free to make their own choices in the new land which later became know as the United States of America. I know a little about world history not much but I would say this is the only country in the world which started out this way. I think Australia was started as a "dumping ground" for the English prisoners; far from a freedom to choose their own land and ways of doing things.
This freedom of choice has gotten murky over the years but we as Americans live in the greatest country on the planet. This statement maybe why most of the other countries really do not like us because of our "Western Arrogance". This country is truly remarkable because the choices we have are plentiful. One of those choices is to gamble; Lord knows there are so many options in this country; lottery, horse racing, dog racing, casinos, sports wagering, jai alai and I am sure I am leaving many others out. We should have these choices but when people run into trouble because of their bad choices does the government have an obligation to help these people?
I hearken back to the tobacco lawsuits and please keep in mind I have never smoked in my life so my perspective maybe less than objective. I thought these lawsuits were ridiculous because faced with the choice some people chose to smoke cigarettes knowing the consequences. Now as a person who has an addiction (compulsive gambling) I know how hard it is to quit something without a chemical compound. As we all know cigarettes contain nicotine which is highly addictive and so people try their whole lives to quit to no avail.
The auspice of the lawsuits were not that people shouldn't smoke; it was brought on the tobacco companies for deceptive advertising or being less than truthful with their products. The tobacco companies lost and owed millions if not billions of dollars and some of these verdicts have since been overturned. However, not too many tobacco companies have gone out of business because of these lawsuits and in fact people continue to smoke no full well the consequences of their actions (theoretically).
This brings me to gambling and the Gaming Industry. I read an article regarding a tobacco bill and anti-gambling lobby in Nova Scotia, Canada. The tobacco bill addressed the responsibility of the tobacco companies to educate their "customers" on the usage of tobacco. The article then turned toward the Gaming Industry saying they too have a responsibility to address the detrimental affects of gambling and they were threatening a class action law suit.
I am all for freedom of choice and people have the right to choose. The government shouldn't take these choices away from the public because then we stop being the great country. However; everyone including the large corporations has a personal responsibilities to their consumers. If there are ill effects of gambling then these ill affects should be noted. If people need treatment due to their compulsive gambling then should be treatment programs funded by the gaming companies.
The state Connecticut took in over $700 million in tax revenue last year from their two very successful casinos and the budget for the treatment for compulsive gamblers is $2 million. I don't know about you but to me this seems inadequate. It is estimated that the state of Connecticut (this doesn't include the surrounding states of New York, Rhode Island and Massachusetts) has 50,000 compulsive gamblers which means the state of Connecticut spends $40 per compulsive gambler for their treatment. The numbers certainly don't add up. California is another story and when I get those numbers I will let everyone know. I do have a sneaking suspicion the dollar per compulsive gambler will be less than that of Connecticut.
I certainly think everyone should have the right to choose but in my opinion the government should have the best interest of society in mind not the best interest of the government or the corporations. When things get skewed the government should bring those things in line. I know the Gaming Industry will come around because it is in their best interest to keep their products alive and this means taking care of their customers when they do have problems.
This freedom of choice has gotten murky over the years but we as Americans live in the greatest country on the planet. This statement maybe why most of the other countries really do not like us because of our "Western Arrogance". This country is truly remarkable because the choices we have are plentiful. One of those choices is to gamble; Lord knows there are so many options in this country; lottery, horse racing, dog racing, casinos, sports wagering, jai alai and I am sure I am leaving many others out. We should have these choices but when people run into trouble because of their bad choices does the government have an obligation to help these people?
I hearken back to the tobacco lawsuits and please keep in mind I have never smoked in my life so my perspective maybe less than objective. I thought these lawsuits were ridiculous because faced with the choice some people chose to smoke cigarettes knowing the consequences. Now as a person who has an addiction (compulsive gambling) I know how hard it is to quit something without a chemical compound. As we all know cigarettes contain nicotine which is highly addictive and so people try their whole lives to quit to no avail.
The auspice of the lawsuits were not that people shouldn't smoke; it was brought on the tobacco companies for deceptive advertising or being less than truthful with their products. The tobacco companies lost and owed millions if not billions of dollars and some of these verdicts have since been overturned. However, not too many tobacco companies have gone out of business because of these lawsuits and in fact people continue to smoke no full well the consequences of their actions (theoretically).
This brings me to gambling and the Gaming Industry. I read an article regarding a tobacco bill and anti-gambling lobby in Nova Scotia, Canada. The tobacco bill addressed the responsibility of the tobacco companies to educate their "customers" on the usage of tobacco. The article then turned toward the Gaming Industry saying they too have a responsibility to address the detrimental affects of gambling and they were threatening a class action law suit.
I am all for freedom of choice and people have the right to choose. The government shouldn't take these choices away from the public because then we stop being the great country. However; everyone including the large corporations has a personal responsibilities to their consumers. If there are ill effects of gambling then these ill affects should be noted. If people need treatment due to their compulsive gambling then should be treatment programs funded by the gaming companies.
The state Connecticut took in over $700 million in tax revenue last year from their two very successful casinos and the budget for the treatment for compulsive gamblers is $2 million. I don't know about you but to me this seems inadequate. It is estimated that the state of Connecticut (this doesn't include the surrounding states of New York, Rhode Island and Massachusetts) has 50,000 compulsive gamblers which means the state of Connecticut spends $40 per compulsive gambler for their treatment. The numbers certainly don't add up. California is another story and when I get those numbers I will let everyone know. I do have a sneaking suspicion the dollar per compulsive gambler will be less than that of Connecticut.
I certainly think everyone should have the right to choose but in my opinion the government should have the best interest of society in mind not the best interest of the government or the corporations. When things get skewed the government should bring those things in line. I know the Gaming Industry will come around because it is in their best interest to keep their products alive and this means taking care of their customers when they do have problems.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
General Meanderings
I titled yesterday's blog "Life Sentence" and today I read an article about an officer with an Oil Company who received a "Life Sentence" for embezzling in Vietnam. Apparently the Vietnamese take stealing large sums of money extremely seriously. Here is the link to the story.
I believe the South Pacific takes their laws very seriously because I remember reading about a woman in Malaysia who was set to get the "Death Penalty" for gambling illegally. Yes, you read that correctly the "DEATH PENALTY" for gambling illegally, now there is a deterrent. In Malaysia ANY gambling is illegal; maybe this is why the Asian Population makes up a very large percentage of the revenues taken in by the Casino Industry in this country. When you are "forbidden" to do something chances are you will rebel and rebel in a big way. Every Tribal Casino on the West Coast wants to have a presence in the Asian Community and for good reason.
Michael Jordan has written a book; "Driven from Within" and he is being interviewed on 60 Minutes this coming Sunday where he (finally) talks about his gambling. Michael Jordan's gambling may have been the worst kept secret in sports but his gambling exploits are legendary in both the casino and the golf course. Mr. Jordan states in the interview he "crossed the line" while gambling but never endangered his family or his career.
You can see how gambling affects anyone even Michael Jordan. No, he didn't lose his career or his family but he was certainly affected by gambling. I loved to watch Michael Jordan play in fact when he was in his prime I was on a hiatus from my gambling and really enjoyed watching what that man could do on a basketball court. He was the most competitive person when playing and probably in all other aspects of his life; he had to win. This desire to win mixed with gambling could be a deadly combination and I am happy to see he didn't lose his career to gambling. But it I do wonder why he experimented with baseball. Was this a suspension from playing basketball due to his gambling; oh so cleverly designed? Some conspiracy theorist may think it was.
My wife and I had a parent teacher conference at my son's pre-school. We are so happy to report my son is doing extremely well. He gets along with all of the children, he is learning his colors and how to write his name. Best of all he listens to his teachers. We received glowing compliments from the teacher and this makes us very proud. He seems more sociable than his older sister and we are not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing. I guess only time will tell. We were worried about our son being a follower because we have noticed this on many occasions. However, his teacher assured us he makes the right decisions when the other children get out of hand and again most importantly he listens to his teachers.
I have two wonderful children and I am so very blessed. I have received a lesson for life and I am so grateful for this lesson. I am learning and continue to learn each and every day. I knew my family was very special before all of this happened but I really didn't know how very special they really are. Yes, it did take a very big "wake up call" to make me understand what I have and I don't intend to take this for granted ever again.
I believe the South Pacific takes their laws very seriously because I remember reading about a woman in Malaysia who was set to get the "Death Penalty" for gambling illegally. Yes, you read that correctly the "DEATH PENALTY" for gambling illegally, now there is a deterrent. In Malaysia ANY gambling is illegal; maybe this is why the Asian Population makes up a very large percentage of the revenues taken in by the Casino Industry in this country. When you are "forbidden" to do something chances are you will rebel and rebel in a big way. Every Tribal Casino on the West Coast wants to have a presence in the Asian Community and for good reason.
Michael Jordan has written a book; "Driven from Within" and he is being interviewed on 60 Minutes this coming Sunday where he (finally) talks about his gambling. Michael Jordan's gambling may have been the worst kept secret in sports but his gambling exploits are legendary in both the casino and the golf course. Mr. Jordan states in the interview he "crossed the line" while gambling but never endangered his family or his career.
You can see how gambling affects anyone even Michael Jordan. No, he didn't lose his career or his family but he was certainly affected by gambling. I loved to watch Michael Jordan play in fact when he was in his prime I was on a hiatus from my gambling and really enjoyed watching what that man could do on a basketball court. He was the most competitive person when playing and probably in all other aspects of his life; he had to win. This desire to win mixed with gambling could be a deadly combination and I am happy to see he didn't lose his career to gambling. But it I do wonder why he experimented with baseball. Was this a suspension from playing basketball due to his gambling; oh so cleverly designed? Some conspiracy theorist may think it was.
My wife and I had a parent teacher conference at my son's pre-school. We are so happy to report my son is doing extremely well. He gets along with all of the children, he is learning his colors and how to write his name. Best of all he listens to his teachers. We received glowing compliments from the teacher and this makes us very proud. He seems more sociable than his older sister and we are not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing. I guess only time will tell. We were worried about our son being a follower because we have noticed this on many occasions. However, his teacher assured us he makes the right decisions when the other children get out of hand and again most importantly he listens to his teachers.
I have two wonderful children and I am so very blessed. I have received a lesson for life and I am so grateful for this lesson. I am learning and continue to learn each and every day. I knew my family was very special before all of this happened but I really didn't know how very special they really are. Yes, it did take a very big "wake up call" to make me understand what I have and I don't intend to take this for granted ever again.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Life Sentence
I have learned that being a compulsive gambling is a life sentence. This does not mean I am bound to commit the same mistakes over again nor should I live my life in fear. This means I need the tools to continue living life with a purpose and to NOT give in to my gambling addiction. I thought years ago I could "handle" my compulsive gambling and I was wrong. I cannot do this by myself and I don't have to do this by myself. Upon entering Gambling Anonymous I soon realized I was not alone and I decided to do everything the Program says. I contacted prominent people in the Compulsive Gambling field and wanted to know what they did in they recovery and they all pointed to a common denominator; Gamblers Anonymous.
The Program works if I work it and I chose to work it everyday not only on meeting days. It is a life long commitment and to some people this is too much and they stop coming to meetings. I don't know if they go out and gamble but I do know they are missing something very special. Funny things happen when I stopped gambling I started to understand who I really am. The Gamblers Anonymous Program is very simple; don't gamble for anything but there is another side to the Program. This other side has gotten me in touch with true feelings and has made me an honest person.
Working the Program and the Steps is sort of a cleansing ritual. It is getting out all of the bad and putting in its place good. It is not a one time deal to work the Steps; they are to be worked often and continuously throughout my life. In a little under 8 months I have seen some remarkable changes. Also; it has given me a great base to help me with my current legal situation. Without the Group and my family I would be in a mental institution. I created this mess and I am doing everything in my power to ensure I continue doing all the right things. By doing all the right things and working the Program I will get through this situation a much better person; which has already begun.
The other side to this equation is the disease is always with me. I have heard stories of people having 2, 4, 8, 12 years of abstinence only to start the insanity all over again. There is no guarantee this won't be me but I am doing everything the Program tells me to do and I intend to do this one day at a time. The baffling nature of this disease comes when you feel everything is going okay. I know this has happened to me because I didn't work the Program I tried to do it all by myself when I was younger only with disastrous results. I don't want a repeat performance because if I were to go out and gamble life for me would stop. I wouldn't be in a mental institution I would be in a morgue. My life has just begun and this life is led with a positive purpose which does NOT include gambling.
The Program works if I work it and I chose to work it everyday not only on meeting days. It is a life long commitment and to some people this is too much and they stop coming to meetings. I don't know if they go out and gamble but I do know they are missing something very special. Funny things happen when I stopped gambling I started to understand who I really am. The Gamblers Anonymous Program is very simple; don't gamble for anything but there is another side to the Program. This other side has gotten me in touch with true feelings and has made me an honest person.
Working the Program and the Steps is sort of a cleansing ritual. It is getting out all of the bad and putting in its place good. It is not a one time deal to work the Steps; they are to be worked often and continuously throughout my life. In a little under 8 months I have seen some remarkable changes. Also; it has given me a great base to help me with my current legal situation. Without the Group and my family I would be in a mental institution. I created this mess and I am doing everything in my power to ensure I continue doing all the right things. By doing all the right things and working the Program I will get through this situation a much better person; which has already begun.
The other side to this equation is the disease is always with me. I have heard stories of people having 2, 4, 8, 12 years of abstinence only to start the insanity all over again. There is no guarantee this won't be me but I am doing everything the Program tells me to do and I intend to do this one day at a time. The baffling nature of this disease comes when you feel everything is going okay. I know this has happened to me because I didn't work the Program I tried to do it all by myself when I was younger only with disastrous results. I don't want a repeat performance because if I were to go out and gamble life for me would stop. I wouldn't be in a mental institution I would be in a morgue. My life has just begun and this life is led with a positive purpose which does NOT include gambling.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Oh Well
After two months of inactivity on my court case I really thought today was the day where something would happen. It didn't happen and I should expect this by now. My biggest fear is someday something will actually happen and I won't know what to do. I'm sure this day is coming but I don't know when and really it is one day at a time because there is no other choice for me. I caused this mess and I am certainly suffering the consequences even though the consequences haven't "officially" started. Some day all of this will be in the past and I will be a better person for it; in fact I am already a better person for it and I intend to get better as each day passes.
Some may say I am getting what I deserve and they would be right. When you do something wrong you should be punished and I am certainly being punished. Life will continue no matter how I approach my situation but I choose to live life not crawl back into a whole and die. Yes, what I did was very wrong and I am doing everything in my power to move forward in the proper direction. If someone out there knows of anything else I can do please let me know. I have been to a psychologist, I am actively involved with Gamblers Anonymous, I am assisting with an on-line compulsive gambling help group, I have met so many inspirational people who have showed me my life isn't over because they are living proof life does exist without gambling, I am trying to share my story with anyone who would listen to hopefully help one person seek help. No one should put themselves or their family through my situation and by looking at themselves openly and honestly they won't have to. I have apologized for my actions and will continue to do so the rest of my life. I am not a bad person I did a bad thing but this does not define me. I have done more good in my life than bad and I intend to continue this good throughout the rest of my life.
I guess I am rambling tonight but there is so much inside of me which needs to be brought out. I would like this situation to be over and whatever time I have to serve I will serve it because what I did was wrong and should be punished. I do feel like I am in the punishment phase and this is NOT to say woe is me because self-pity won't do me any good. I have a great deal of remorse and would like to show those who I harmed there was no intention to harm it really was my insatiable desire to make the next wager. Would this do me any good probably not but I don't blame anyone but myself and again I apologize for those actions.
I really hope this doesn't sound like self-pity because this is not my intention. My intention is to get out as much emotion I have inside before imploding. I go back to court in a few weeks and maybe something will happen or maybe it won't but I do know all of those days in between will be taken one at a time. Yes, I made this difficult situation but I thank God that faithful day happen over seven months ago and made me realize how much I didn't know who I really was and now I am learning that there really is more to life than gambling.
Some may say I am getting what I deserve and they would be right. When you do something wrong you should be punished and I am certainly being punished. Life will continue no matter how I approach my situation but I choose to live life not crawl back into a whole and die. Yes, what I did was very wrong and I am doing everything in my power to move forward in the proper direction. If someone out there knows of anything else I can do please let me know. I have been to a psychologist, I am actively involved with Gamblers Anonymous, I am assisting with an on-line compulsive gambling help group, I have met so many inspirational people who have showed me my life isn't over because they are living proof life does exist without gambling, I am trying to share my story with anyone who would listen to hopefully help one person seek help. No one should put themselves or their family through my situation and by looking at themselves openly and honestly they won't have to. I have apologized for my actions and will continue to do so the rest of my life. I am not a bad person I did a bad thing but this does not define me. I have done more good in my life than bad and I intend to continue this good throughout the rest of my life.
I guess I am rambling tonight but there is so much inside of me which needs to be brought out. I would like this situation to be over and whatever time I have to serve I will serve it because what I did was wrong and should be punished. I do feel like I am in the punishment phase and this is NOT to say woe is me because self-pity won't do me any good. I have a great deal of remorse and would like to show those who I harmed there was no intention to harm it really was my insatiable desire to make the next wager. Would this do me any good probably not but I don't blame anyone but myself and again I apologize for those actions.
I really hope this doesn't sound like self-pity because this is not my intention. My intention is to get out as much emotion I have inside before imploding. I go back to court in a few weeks and maybe something will happen or maybe it won't but I do know all of those days in between will be taken one at a time. Yes, I made this difficult situation but I thank God that faithful day happen over seven months ago and made me realize how much I didn't know who I really was and now I am learning that there really is more to life than gambling.
Monday, October 17, 2005
Time
It really is amazing how time moves forward and it moves forward quickly. There is a saying in Gamblers Anonymous that the "days and weeks will be pass soon enough" and this is so very true. When I first entered Gamblers Anonymous seven and half months ago I was very lost and by working the GA Program and the steps involved I am starting to find myself. No matter what happens in life time moves forward. We all make choices in life and some of my choices have been not so good but the choice to enter the Gamblers Anonymous Program was the best decision I have made. By entering and surrendering to the Program my life has gotten much better even though my situation remains unresolved. I am a much better person now than I was seven and half months ago and I have GA, my family and my friends to thank for this.
I got some unexpected good news from my attorney this evening. I don't want to go into the specifics of the good news but I will say it has put my mind at ease. I need to mentally prepare for the future even though I am taking life one day at a time there are some very real consequences I am facing. I had some of this answered this evening. Along those lines I was looking up the California Prison System on-line and I had no idea how crowded this system is. Here is the link to the prison system and I knew it was an overcrowded system but I had no idea how overcrowded it really is. The "least" populated prison is 149.5% filled and the "most" populated prison is 249.4% filled. Everyone thinks as California as the "granola" state where there are many laid back people and really anything goes. But judging by how crowded the prisons are in this state; it shows me it is the opposite of lenient when it comes to incarceration.
Do these statistics show there is a problem with crime in California or is there a problem with the judicial system or is the problem with the prison system? I have no idea where the problem lies but there has to be a problem some where if the prison system in California is this crowded. I always thought California was a "socialist" state when it comes to employment laws and worker rights but it is anything but socialist when it comes to crime.
Can something be done? Probably but it will take time and a great deal of effort. I know I will soon be a part of this prison system because of my actions caused by my compulsive gambling behavior. I would never have imagined this in all of my life. The worst thing that happened to me prior to this ordeal was getting a speeding ticket in Nevada. Hindsight is always 20/20 but the insidious nature of compulsive gambling made me do horrible things and now I know what an idiot I was to ignore all of the symptoms.
Yes, I ignored the symptoms all of my adult life and this is what happened. I am no longer ignoring these symptoms and living my life as it was meant to be lived in God's hands and with a purpose. I do not have any more delusions and I keep learning more and more about myself each and every day. Time does go by no matter what and I choose to participate in my time with honesty and truthfulness. Life is worth living even though I made a large mistake my life is NOT over by any stretch of the imagination it has only just begun.
I got some unexpected good news from my attorney this evening. I don't want to go into the specifics of the good news but I will say it has put my mind at ease. I need to mentally prepare for the future even though I am taking life one day at a time there are some very real consequences I am facing. I had some of this answered this evening. Along those lines I was looking up the California Prison System on-line and I had no idea how crowded this system is. Here is the link to the prison system and I knew it was an overcrowded system but I had no idea how overcrowded it really is. The "least" populated prison is 149.5% filled and the "most" populated prison is 249.4% filled. Everyone thinks as California as the "granola" state where there are many laid back people and really anything goes. But judging by how crowded the prisons are in this state; it shows me it is the opposite of lenient when it comes to incarceration.
Do these statistics show there is a problem with crime in California or is there a problem with the judicial system or is the problem with the prison system? I have no idea where the problem lies but there has to be a problem some where if the prison system in California is this crowded. I always thought California was a "socialist" state when it comes to employment laws and worker rights but it is anything but socialist when it comes to crime.
Can something be done? Probably but it will take time and a great deal of effort. I know I will soon be a part of this prison system because of my actions caused by my compulsive gambling behavior. I would never have imagined this in all of my life. The worst thing that happened to me prior to this ordeal was getting a speeding ticket in Nevada. Hindsight is always 20/20 but the insidious nature of compulsive gambling made me do horrible things and now I know what an idiot I was to ignore all of the symptoms.
Yes, I ignored the symptoms all of my adult life and this is what happened. I am no longer ignoring these symptoms and living my life as it was meant to be lived in God's hands and with a purpose. I do not have any more delusions and I keep learning more and more about myself each and every day. Time does go by no matter what and I choose to participate in my time with honesty and truthfulness. Life is worth living even though I made a large mistake my life is NOT over by any stretch of the imagination it has only just begun.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Local Breast Cancer Race for the Cure
Today the family was up very early for a Sunday morning because we were participating in the local Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Race for the Cure. We have participated in this event four of the last five years; last year we did sign up for the race but it was raining when we got up and decided not to attend. In the previous years my former employer donated the money for all of the participants and all we needed to do was show up. There was an exception; three years ago I did not turn in the entry form on time and I had to give the donation if we wanted to participate. We did want to participate and the family along with our good friends walked in the 5K race. This year even though our financial situation has changed dramatically we decided to set some money aside to participate in this worthy cause. We really enjoy the race and the festivities held pre and post race, we usually have a good time and today was no exception.
The day started off beautiful with a clear blue sky, temperature around 57 degrees, it was really a perfect day for a 5k run. The participation in the race has grown tremendously over the past 5 years in which we have participated and today was the biggest turnout we have ever seen. Since the turnout was so large the race was organized in stages. The runners went off at 8:15 am and the walkers went off at 9:00 am. This provided me the opportunity to walk the entire race with my family. In the previous years I was able to run the entire race and then circle back to find my family usually around the half way point. This year I ran the race and my time was okay for someone who has a bad leg but it was not where I wanted it to be; however; this race was to raise money for breast cancer treatment and awareness and being able to participate is all that I needed.
When I finished the race I met up with my family and our dear friends to start the walking portion of the race. As we started this portion of the race we noticed the sky getting darker and darker. Also the temperature was getting a little colder as well. About half way through the 3.1 mile race it started to rain which the children certainly didn't mind and made the best of the situation. We were able to finish about 80% of the race before the rain got too heavy and decided to call it a day. All in all it was a very good day for a great cause. Next year is a long way away and I would certainly like to participate but I know I can only take it one day at a time and as long as I am going in the "right" direction there will be many more of these worthy races in my future.
Everyone was very wet and tired after the race so we decided to go home and take it easy. It was one of those cold dreary rainy days where you really don't feel like doing a whole lot of anything and being in Southern California we don't get many of these days so we decided to just relax in the afternoon. In the evening we had dinner at some very new dear friends' house who have been extremely supportive during this entire ordeal. We had a very good time and my son showed them what to expect of their about to be born son in about 4 1/2 years.
My son was a little crazy to say the least but he was not destructive which is always a good thing. He displayed the difference between boys and girls at dinner and after dinner. My wonderful daughter ate her dinner very quietly and after dinner went and watched a movie also very quietly. Whereas my son was (let's say) not so quiet at dinner and after dinner but again not destructive. Four year old boys have so much energy and it is so hard to contain this energy for a period of time and he displayed this energy.
Our friends were very understanding and we were not embarrassed by my son's actions he was just being a four year old boy. I certainly cannot get mad at my son for these types of actions as long as he is not endangering himself or others and is not getting totally out of hand; I have no problem letting him be himself. He really is amazing and sometimes quite funny. It is these little moments that I will always cherish. My son is just a boy and he really is a good kid, my wife and I are very proud of him as well as very proud of our daughter. These are blessings that no one can take away from me and I am so very fortunate to have these blessings in my life. They are great children and I love them so very much.
The day started off beautiful with a clear blue sky, temperature around 57 degrees, it was really a perfect day for a 5k run. The participation in the race has grown tremendously over the past 5 years in which we have participated and today was the biggest turnout we have ever seen. Since the turnout was so large the race was organized in stages. The runners went off at 8:15 am and the walkers went off at 9:00 am. This provided me the opportunity to walk the entire race with my family. In the previous years I was able to run the entire race and then circle back to find my family usually around the half way point. This year I ran the race and my time was okay for someone who has a bad leg but it was not where I wanted it to be; however; this race was to raise money for breast cancer treatment and awareness and being able to participate is all that I needed.
When I finished the race I met up with my family and our dear friends to start the walking portion of the race. As we started this portion of the race we noticed the sky getting darker and darker. Also the temperature was getting a little colder as well. About half way through the 3.1 mile race it started to rain which the children certainly didn't mind and made the best of the situation. We were able to finish about 80% of the race before the rain got too heavy and decided to call it a day. All in all it was a very good day for a great cause. Next year is a long way away and I would certainly like to participate but I know I can only take it one day at a time and as long as I am going in the "right" direction there will be many more of these worthy races in my future.
Everyone was very wet and tired after the race so we decided to go home and take it easy. It was one of those cold dreary rainy days where you really don't feel like doing a whole lot of anything and being in Southern California we don't get many of these days so we decided to just relax in the afternoon. In the evening we had dinner at some very new dear friends' house who have been extremely supportive during this entire ordeal. We had a very good time and my son showed them what to expect of their about to be born son in about 4 1/2 years.
My son was a little crazy to say the least but he was not destructive which is always a good thing. He displayed the difference between boys and girls at dinner and after dinner. My wonderful daughter ate her dinner very quietly and after dinner went and watched a movie also very quietly. Whereas my son was (let's say) not so quiet at dinner and after dinner but again not destructive. Four year old boys have so much energy and it is so hard to contain this energy for a period of time and he displayed this energy.
Our friends were very understanding and we were not embarrassed by my son's actions he was just being a four year old boy. I certainly cannot get mad at my son for these types of actions as long as he is not endangering himself or others and is not getting totally out of hand; I have no problem letting him be himself. He really is amazing and sometimes quite funny. It is these little moments that I will always cherish. My son is just a boy and he really is a good kid, my wife and I are very proud of him as well as very proud of our daughter. These are blessings that no one can take away from me and I am so very fortunate to have these blessings in my life. They are great children and I love them so very much.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Pumpkin Picking
This morning started out with me taking my son and some Gamblers Anonymous material to our Saturday morning GA meeting. I could not attend the meeting but I needed to drop the materials off. My son and I helped set up the room before the meeting with my wonderful GA companion. I stayed for a few minutes and for my son's hard work of setting up the room he received a chocolate donut (which he loved!). This was an interesting day at the GA meeting and I was very sorry to miss the after meeting where we discussed the format of the meeting (got that??).
We have a very close knit group in our fellowship and many of us attend multiple meetings in the area. Without a doubt I love our GA group and without their support I would be completely lost. I do understand the need for structure in all parts of life especially in Gamblers Anonymous. Some people in our fellowship thought we were losing this structure and brought it to our attention. I completely understand this concern and there are some very important concepts in the Gamblers Anonymous Unity Program such as; our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon group unity.
Without group unity the program fails and we need to maintain this group unity even though it means listening to points of view we may disagree with; every member in GA has a right to voice their opinions and we MUST maintain group unity because every member matters. Also; Gamblers Anonymous has but one primary purpose - to carry its message to the compulsive gambler who still suffers; this message must be communicated clearly and concisely. If we lose our way on this message the program will flounder. I believe our group is doing a fantastic job of carrying this message but that doesn't mean we are perfect and can't use some criticism.
The best part about our society is everyone has their own opinion and the same goes for GA. As long as the opinion is in unison of the GA Unity Program we must address all issues. I believe we addressed these issues and hopefully everyone is happy with the outcome. I hold no ill will to anyone in the Program because we all have the same purpose and we are all doing what we think is right.
Okay I went a little long on the GA meeting after the meeting even though I wasn't even there because I couldn't stay for the meeting because my family went pumpkin picking. We went pumpkin picking with the families of my daughter's Brownie troupe. It was a great day and we joined our dear friends on the ride up and back from the pumpkin patch. We had a very nice picnic lunch, the children played on a hay bale "mountain" and after lunch we picked pumpkins from the pumpkin patch. We found some very unique pumpkins and other assorted squashes from the patch. It was a great day.
One thing struck me funny; there was an incident which I will not bore any one with the details; however; it did strike me funny how so people let the littlest things get to them. I know I am not supposed to take inventory of others and I try to turn these observations towards myself. I know in the past the little things did NOT bother me because I turned off my emotions and stopped feeling. Little, big, in between, things did not bother me because I became a robot to myself. If I started to feel it meant I may actually have to look at myself and understand what I was doing. I stayed in this denial for way too long.
Now I understand not to let the little things bother me but it is okay if I have feelings. Life is too short to let the little things bother me but if I do feel something this is also okay. I cannot blow things out of proportion and must continue to get in touch with my feeling one day at a time. God does have a master plan for me and I know by doing the right things and having real emotions this master plan will work out no matter what happens.
Each day in my life is a learning experience. I cherish these learning experiences like I cherish the love and support of my family and friends. Even negative emotions have a positive impact if looked at properly. I choose to live and learn and thank God for all of the good in my life.
We have a very close knit group in our fellowship and many of us attend multiple meetings in the area. Without a doubt I love our GA group and without their support I would be completely lost. I do understand the need for structure in all parts of life especially in Gamblers Anonymous. Some people in our fellowship thought we were losing this structure and brought it to our attention. I completely understand this concern and there are some very important concepts in the Gamblers Anonymous Unity Program such as; our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends upon group unity.
Without group unity the program fails and we need to maintain this group unity even though it means listening to points of view we may disagree with; every member in GA has a right to voice their opinions and we MUST maintain group unity because every member matters. Also; Gamblers Anonymous has but one primary purpose - to carry its message to the compulsive gambler who still suffers; this message must be communicated clearly and concisely. If we lose our way on this message the program will flounder. I believe our group is doing a fantastic job of carrying this message but that doesn't mean we are perfect and can't use some criticism.
The best part about our society is everyone has their own opinion and the same goes for GA. As long as the opinion is in unison of the GA Unity Program we must address all issues. I believe we addressed these issues and hopefully everyone is happy with the outcome. I hold no ill will to anyone in the Program because we all have the same purpose and we are all doing what we think is right.
Okay I went a little long on the GA meeting after the meeting even though I wasn't even there because I couldn't stay for the meeting because my family went pumpkin picking. We went pumpkin picking with the families of my daughter's Brownie troupe. It was a great day and we joined our dear friends on the ride up and back from the pumpkin patch. We had a very nice picnic lunch, the children played on a hay bale "mountain" and after lunch we picked pumpkins from the pumpkin patch. We found some very unique pumpkins and other assorted squashes from the patch. It was a great day.
One thing struck me funny; there was an incident which I will not bore any one with the details; however; it did strike me funny how so people let the littlest things get to them. I know I am not supposed to take inventory of others and I try to turn these observations towards myself. I know in the past the little things did NOT bother me because I turned off my emotions and stopped feeling. Little, big, in between, things did not bother me because I became a robot to myself. If I started to feel it meant I may actually have to look at myself and understand what I was doing. I stayed in this denial for way too long.
Now I understand not to let the little things bother me but it is okay if I have feelings. Life is too short to let the little things bother me but if I do feel something this is also okay. I cannot blow things out of proportion and must continue to get in touch with my feeling one day at a time. God does have a master plan for me and I know by doing the right things and having real emotions this master plan will work out no matter what happens.
Each day in my life is a learning experience. I cherish these learning experiences like I cherish the love and support of my family and friends. Even negative emotions have a positive impact if looked at properly. I choose to live and learn and thank God for all of the good in my life.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Don't Give Up
No matter how bad life seems to get there is ALWAYS something good. No matter how bad the day seems to be there is ALWAYS something good. No matter how terrible a situation seems to be there is ALWAYS something good. The key for me is to keep going and never ever give up. I cannot give up; giving up is giving in and once I give in it is all over. I don't want a repeat performance of my past and there is only one way to ensure the past does not come back to haunt me is to move forward doing the right things.
Thank God there is so much more good in this world than bad which makes my life a joy. The littlest things can bring me down and bring me to place I don't want to be. I must continue to remind myself life is getting better and as long as I move FORWARD one day at a time everything does get better. In fact it already has; I am a much better person today than I was yesterday and certainly a much better person than I was seven plus months ago.
I had a discussion with someone yesterday regarding compulsive gambling in employees within the Gaming Industry. (As a quick aside the powers that be in the "Gambling" industry took it upon themselves 20 years ago to change the term Gambling to "Gaming" for "obvious" reasons which has something to do with the "Entertainment" industry...think about it and you will understand what I am writing about) Sorry for the digression; someone asked me if I noticed that casino employees have a higher propensity to become problem/compulsive gamblers; by the way this person did not know I was a compulsive gambler, we randomly got on the subject. My answer was yes; I did notice that casino employees especially dealers have a higher propensity to become compulsive gamblers. In fact I read a study where this segment of casino employees is 6 times higher than the national average.
I know I can only take inventory for myself and having worked in the "Gaming" Industry for the past 12 years I didn't see myself as a compulsive gambler until 7 1/2 months ago because I denied my addiction. I thought I was so much "smarter" than I was and this lead to my demise because I never looked at myself. I was always looking at others and saying how could they do that to themselves when I was doing the same thing. The addiction to gambling for me was so powerful because I continued to do the things I did as if I had no control. In reality this is the truth; I had no control and let it spiral out of control.
I always thought I was in "control" of every situation and this was an outright LIE. I let this take over my life and now I am taking back my life. The first step in Gamblers Anonymous is to admit we are POWERLESS to gambling and our lives have become unmanageable. Well my life certainly became unmanageable I tried for years to have power over gambling but failed miserably. I finally admitted I am POWERLESS to gambling and life got better. In the second step; I came to believe that a Power greater than me could restore me to a normal way of thinking and living. I was so arrogant for so long that I couldn't believe there was a power greater than me and you know what I was dead WRONG. There is a POWER greater than me and I choose to call this Power God. I could not do this by myself and this POWER is restoring me to a normal way of thinking and living. In the third step; I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of this Power of my own understanding. By giving up I took back the power with the assistance of my Higher Power and the fellowship of Gamblers Anonymous.
One of the many ironies in the GA program is giving something up to take back the power. The key for me is to know I CANNOT do this alone and I don't have to do this alone. I tried and failed miserably to do this alone for so many years. I am not living this way any more. With the assistance of my Higher Power, my family and the fellowship of GA I am regaining my life and my soul one day at time. The final key is to never give up and keep going even when things get tough; as I keep moving forward everything does get better and you know what it is certainly worth it.
Thank God there is so much more good in this world than bad which makes my life a joy. The littlest things can bring me down and bring me to place I don't want to be. I must continue to remind myself life is getting better and as long as I move FORWARD one day at a time everything does get better. In fact it already has; I am a much better person today than I was yesterday and certainly a much better person than I was seven plus months ago.
I had a discussion with someone yesterday regarding compulsive gambling in employees within the Gaming Industry. (As a quick aside the powers that be in the "Gambling" industry took it upon themselves 20 years ago to change the term Gambling to "Gaming" for "obvious" reasons which has something to do with the "Entertainment" industry...think about it and you will understand what I am writing about) Sorry for the digression; someone asked me if I noticed that casino employees have a higher propensity to become problem/compulsive gamblers; by the way this person did not know I was a compulsive gambler, we randomly got on the subject. My answer was yes; I did notice that casino employees especially dealers have a higher propensity to become compulsive gamblers. In fact I read a study where this segment of casino employees is 6 times higher than the national average.
I know I can only take inventory for myself and having worked in the "Gaming" Industry for the past 12 years I didn't see myself as a compulsive gambler until 7 1/2 months ago because I denied my addiction. I thought I was so much "smarter" than I was and this lead to my demise because I never looked at myself. I was always looking at others and saying how could they do that to themselves when I was doing the same thing. The addiction to gambling for me was so powerful because I continued to do the things I did as if I had no control. In reality this is the truth; I had no control and let it spiral out of control.
I always thought I was in "control" of every situation and this was an outright LIE. I let this take over my life and now I am taking back my life. The first step in Gamblers Anonymous is to admit we are POWERLESS to gambling and our lives have become unmanageable. Well my life certainly became unmanageable I tried for years to have power over gambling but failed miserably. I finally admitted I am POWERLESS to gambling and life got better. In the second step; I came to believe that a Power greater than me could restore me to a normal way of thinking and living. I was so arrogant for so long that I couldn't believe there was a power greater than me and you know what I was dead WRONG. There is a POWER greater than me and I choose to call this Power God. I could not do this by myself and this POWER is restoring me to a normal way of thinking and living. In the third step; I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of this Power of my own understanding. By giving up I took back the power with the assistance of my Higher Power and the fellowship of Gamblers Anonymous.
One of the many ironies in the GA program is giving something up to take back the power. The key for me is to know I CANNOT do this alone and I don't have to do this alone. I tried and failed miserably to do this alone for so many years. I am not living this way any more. With the assistance of my Higher Power, my family and the fellowship of GA I am regaining my life and my soul one day at time. The final key is to never give up and keep going even when things get tough; as I keep moving forward everything does get better and you know what it is certainly worth it.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Dead On!
I would like to wish my niece Emily a very Happy First Birthday (again!), today is her actual birthday. I seem to get easily confused with all the birthdays and all of the Emilies!! Happy Birthday Baby Emily, we love you very much!!
A very big congratulations goes out to my Dad and his new wife Pat! Yes, you read that correctly "his new wife"; my Dad and my new step Mom were married yesterday on Pat's birthday (gee more October announcements!!!). A great big Happy Birthday goes out to Pat and I hope you guys had a great day yesterday, wow a wedding and a birthday all in the same day even I can remember that (hopefully!)!! Congratulations goes out to my Dad, Pat is a wonderful person and I know they are both very happy. Pat, you have been part of this family for awhile now but welcome (officially) to the family, you are a great person and thank you for making my Dad happy. Congratulations!!!
There is a bit of a side story to the marriage and I was debating on whether or not to write about it but I will give a brief overview. A few years ago my Dad told me something and when that something happened I had to do something (Got it??). However; there is no way I could do that something because Pat is a genuine person and I am so happy she is part of your life. I hope you guys have a great time in Branson and I will talk to you when you get home.
Today was a very strange day which started at 5:00 am this morning which included getting on an airplane and coming back home at 6:00 pm this evening. I did a brief visit to a formal life. I met with some people who really need help. This help is not in the way of recovery although some of the same principles should apply, these people need technical assistance. I did go through the motions and I know I can help them but the situation being what is (for me) there is no way I can go through with it. Yes, this does seem like a cryptic message and I am doing this intentionally.
I am continuing to rebuild my life and there are certain things I must do and finding a place of employment is one of them. Unfortunately; what I have done precludes me from doing what I am trained to do so I must find an alternative type of employment. This has proven to be difficult; however; nothing is impossible as long as I stick to my tenets of recovery.
As I read the Gamblers Anonymous "A Day at Time" book which as always was "dead on" it reminded me the stumbling blocks are just stepping stones for growth. Yes, there are stumbling blocks set out before me all of which have been self-inflicted; I cannot have self-pity because it will throw my recovery in reverse. I must continue to go forward and over come any and all obstacles because I have the tools necessary to accomplish what I set out to do. I must not lose focus of what really matters which is my recovery and my family. Life is filled with challenges and I relish each challenge because I know I can do anything as long as I continue to recover.
In my brief seven and half months of recovery I have seen many positives. Yes, there are set backs but only minor. These set backs only make me stronger to accomplish the things I am able to do. I continue to thank God and my family each and every day of my recovery because with their encouragement I am a better person.
A very big congratulations goes out to my Dad and his new wife Pat! Yes, you read that correctly "his new wife"; my Dad and my new step Mom were married yesterday on Pat's birthday (gee more October announcements!!!). A great big Happy Birthday goes out to Pat and I hope you guys had a great day yesterday, wow a wedding and a birthday all in the same day even I can remember that (hopefully!)!! Congratulations goes out to my Dad, Pat is a wonderful person and I know they are both very happy. Pat, you have been part of this family for awhile now but welcome (officially) to the family, you are a great person and thank you for making my Dad happy. Congratulations!!!
There is a bit of a side story to the marriage and I was debating on whether or not to write about it but I will give a brief overview. A few years ago my Dad told me something and when that something happened I had to do something (Got it??). However; there is no way I could do that something because Pat is a genuine person and I am so happy she is part of your life. I hope you guys have a great time in Branson and I will talk to you when you get home.
Today was a very strange day which started at 5:00 am this morning which included getting on an airplane and coming back home at 6:00 pm this evening. I did a brief visit to a formal life. I met with some people who really need help. This help is not in the way of recovery although some of the same principles should apply, these people need technical assistance. I did go through the motions and I know I can help them but the situation being what is (for me) there is no way I can go through with it. Yes, this does seem like a cryptic message and I am doing this intentionally.
I am continuing to rebuild my life and there are certain things I must do and finding a place of employment is one of them. Unfortunately; what I have done precludes me from doing what I am trained to do so I must find an alternative type of employment. This has proven to be difficult; however; nothing is impossible as long as I stick to my tenets of recovery.
As I read the Gamblers Anonymous "A Day at Time" book which as always was "dead on" it reminded me the stumbling blocks are just stepping stones for growth. Yes, there are stumbling blocks set out before me all of which have been self-inflicted; I cannot have self-pity because it will throw my recovery in reverse. I must continue to go forward and over come any and all obstacles because I have the tools necessary to accomplish what I set out to do. I must not lose focus of what really matters which is my recovery and my family. Life is filled with challenges and I relish each challenge because I know I can do anything as long as I continue to recover.
In my brief seven and half months of recovery I have seen many positives. Yes, there are set backs but only minor. These set backs only make me stronger to accomplish the things I am able to do. I continue to thank God and my family each and every day of my recovery because with their encouragement I am a better person.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Field Trip
First I must make a correction; yesterday was my sister-in-law Emily's birthday not my niece Emily (her birthday is tomorrow). Happy belated birthday to my sister-in-law Emily and welcome to the family.
Today is my Mother's birthday and a big happy and healthy birthday greeting goes out to her. It is a significant birthday and no I won't give out the number not that she really would mind but I will say she is 20 years older than me (now I am sure she minds!!). When I was younger around 12 or 13 we would go out to eat and everyone thought we were brother and sister. I know this annoyed me a bit but it made my Mom feel very good. Thinking back she really did look very young and back then I had a tendency to look a bit older so I guess everyone was correct. I was embarrassed to have someone call my mother my sister; how dare they do that but it really made her feel good and this is what really matters.
There is so much I can say about my Mother such as she is a fantastic, caring, loving, thoughtful, kind, giving and amazing person. She really is all of those things and I am so blessed to call her Mom. She has been one of my biggest supporters through this entire ordeal and I am so thankful. Without this caring and support my journey through recovery would have been much more difficult. Even though we have been separated by 3,000 miles for a number of years I feel so much closer to her today than I have in my life. I love her so very much and hope she had a wonderful birthday!! Happy Birthday!!!
Today I was able to join my daughter and her second grade class on field trip to the Southern California Fair. I was one of the parent chaperones and I got to ride on a school bus with 50 second graders. I don't remember the last time I was on a school bus but I can tell you they haven't changed in 25 years!!! The kids were loud but there weren't any incidents on the bus. My ears were ringing because of the noise for a few minutes after the bus ride but this is to be expected. The Fair was interesting; there were a lot of farm animals like goats, pigs, cows, horses and lambs. The children were able to get up close and personal with the animals which my daughter was not to fond of; she really is not an animal person. I think this comes from her mother but my daughter was able to get over the smells and seemed to enjoy the day.
The day consisted of not only viewing the animals but seeing a pig race and how they train sea lions. It was a bit unfair to the children because there were amusement rides but these rides were not open for the school children. I know my daughter really wanted to go on the rides but once I explained to her the purpose of the field trip was to see the animals not go on rides she seemed okay. The day went by so fast and there were so many children at the fair along with many other parents. My daughter's school has phenomenal parent interaction it truly is remarkable. I was chaperoning with two other parents and the three of us were responsible for four children. In fact my daughter's class had 9 parent chaperones and she only has 20 children in the entire class. This made the teachers very happy. I had a great time and I was so happy to spend the day with my daughter.
Every dark cloud has a silver lining and I am able to find these silver linings each and every day. I am cherishing these moments because in the past I took these moments for granted. Seeing the look on my daughter's face as she cheered for her favorite pig in the pig race is truly priceless and will forever be etched in my mind. My daughter is a fabulous child and I am so blessed to have her in my life. I love her so very much. I thank God each and every day for my family because they bring me joy and happiness. This joy and happiness has a whole new meaning and this meaning finally has a sense of purpose and value. May God bless each and every member of my family because they have certainly blessed me.
Today is my Mother's birthday and a big happy and healthy birthday greeting goes out to her. It is a significant birthday and no I won't give out the number not that she really would mind but I will say she is 20 years older than me (now I am sure she minds!!). When I was younger around 12 or 13 we would go out to eat and everyone thought we were brother and sister. I know this annoyed me a bit but it made my Mom feel very good. Thinking back she really did look very young and back then I had a tendency to look a bit older so I guess everyone was correct. I was embarrassed to have someone call my mother my sister; how dare they do that but it really made her feel good and this is what really matters.
There is so much I can say about my Mother such as she is a fantastic, caring, loving, thoughtful, kind, giving and amazing person. She really is all of those things and I am so blessed to call her Mom. She has been one of my biggest supporters through this entire ordeal and I am so thankful. Without this caring and support my journey through recovery would have been much more difficult. Even though we have been separated by 3,000 miles for a number of years I feel so much closer to her today than I have in my life. I love her so very much and hope she had a wonderful birthday!! Happy Birthday!!!
Today I was able to join my daughter and her second grade class on field trip to the Southern California Fair. I was one of the parent chaperones and I got to ride on a school bus with 50 second graders. I don't remember the last time I was on a school bus but I can tell you they haven't changed in 25 years!!! The kids were loud but there weren't any incidents on the bus. My ears were ringing because of the noise for a few minutes after the bus ride but this is to be expected. The Fair was interesting; there were a lot of farm animals like goats, pigs, cows, horses and lambs. The children were able to get up close and personal with the animals which my daughter was not to fond of; she really is not an animal person. I think this comes from her mother but my daughter was able to get over the smells and seemed to enjoy the day.
The day consisted of not only viewing the animals but seeing a pig race and how they train sea lions. It was a bit unfair to the children because there were amusement rides but these rides were not open for the school children. I know my daughter really wanted to go on the rides but once I explained to her the purpose of the field trip was to see the animals not go on rides she seemed okay. The day went by so fast and there were so many children at the fair along with many other parents. My daughter's school has phenomenal parent interaction it truly is remarkable. I was chaperoning with two other parents and the three of us were responsible for four children. In fact my daughter's class had 9 parent chaperones and she only has 20 children in the entire class. This made the teachers very happy. I had a great time and I was so happy to spend the day with my daughter.
Every dark cloud has a silver lining and I am able to find these silver linings each and every day. I am cherishing these moments because in the past I took these moments for granted. Seeing the look on my daughter's face as she cheered for her favorite pig in the pig race is truly priceless and will forever be etched in my mind. My daughter is a fabulous child and I am so blessed to have her in my life. I love her so very much. I thank God each and every day for my family because they bring me joy and happiness. This joy and happiness has a whole new meaning and this meaning finally has a sense of purpose and value. May God bless each and every member of my family because they have certainly blessed me.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Strange Ways
October is the month in our family of many birthdays and anniversaries today is no exceptional. A very happy birthday to baby Emily who turned one today, I hope she had a great day. Also; today my grandmother had triple by-pass surgery and she seems to be doing well. It is amazing how life works. I wrote about her falling down and or getting hit by a car last week well as it turns out this was a BLESSING. The doctors did a battery of test and found three of her arteries were severely clogged thus prompting the triple by-pass. If she doesn't fall down and/or get hit by the car the clogged arteries go undetected and would have suffered a massive heart attack. God works in strange ways but in any adversity God provides relief. Thank God my Grandmother is going to be okay. She still has rehabilitation but her prognosis looks good.
Today was the business meeting of Gamblers Anonymous and I made the hour drive down to the meeting as the representative from our region. The meeting went well which was chaired admirably by my sponsor. We were talking about how successful the conference went and yes, it did go well. Like I wrote a few days ago I was very blessed to be a part of this conference. One year ago I would not have envisioned going to a Gamblers Anonymous conference but now I am so grateful to be part of this magnificent organization (see God sure does work in some strange ways!!) another blessing in my life. In fact my life is filled with so many blessings which carries me each and every day.
Getting back to the business meeting of GA this evening. It is amazing how much people really want to help other people because each person in that room this evening gave up some part of their life to give back to the fellowship. Good people do good things and sometimes good people do bad things but to turn around a bad life into a good one takes courage and determination. Each person in that room this evening has down more good in their lives and continues to do so each and every day.
As I was driving home I was listening to talk radio. I used to listen to sports radio to find an "edge" but I have no use for this anymore so I have turned my attention to the political stations. I give equal time to the "right" and "left" but lately my tendencies have turned more left and this particular radio program was from the Democrat point of view and the segment was called "why are you bitter?". Each person called in an aired their bitterness and some of these were way out there and some were very personal. I got to thinking that I am not bitter about my current situation because so much good has come from this bad situation it really is incredible. (Again God working in his strange way!) I continue to learn each and every day how blessed I am and how much more there is to life.
Why would I be bitter? To me bitterness is pointless and would not help any situation. I can see being upset or perturbed by an issue be it personal or political but then you must do something about it. By not doing anything about the issue will stew and eat away at the person. I am doing everything in my power to deal with my addiction/disease and I am forever grateful for that faithful day seven and half months ago. Without FINALLY being confronted I would have continued to live in denial and I would have become a shell of a person. Now I am becoming a person with a purpose and I do realize how lucky I am. Life really is good and no matter what happens in the future I know everything will work out.
Today was the business meeting of Gamblers Anonymous and I made the hour drive down to the meeting as the representative from our region. The meeting went well which was chaired admirably by my sponsor. We were talking about how successful the conference went and yes, it did go well. Like I wrote a few days ago I was very blessed to be a part of this conference. One year ago I would not have envisioned going to a Gamblers Anonymous conference but now I am so grateful to be part of this magnificent organization (see God sure does work in some strange ways!!) another blessing in my life. In fact my life is filled with so many blessings which carries me each and every day.
Getting back to the business meeting of GA this evening. It is amazing how much people really want to help other people because each person in that room this evening gave up some part of their life to give back to the fellowship. Good people do good things and sometimes good people do bad things but to turn around a bad life into a good one takes courage and determination. Each person in that room this evening has down more good in their lives and continues to do so each and every day.
As I was driving home I was listening to talk radio. I used to listen to sports radio to find an "edge" but I have no use for this anymore so I have turned my attention to the political stations. I give equal time to the "right" and "left" but lately my tendencies have turned more left and this particular radio program was from the Democrat point of view and the segment was called "why are you bitter?". Each person called in an aired their bitterness and some of these were way out there and some were very personal. I got to thinking that I am not bitter about my current situation because so much good has come from this bad situation it really is incredible. (Again God working in his strange way!) I continue to learn each and every day how blessed I am and how much more there is to life.
Why would I be bitter? To me bitterness is pointless and would not help any situation. I can see being upset or perturbed by an issue be it personal or political but then you must do something about it. By not doing anything about the issue will stew and eat away at the person. I am doing everything in my power to deal with my addiction/disease and I am forever grateful for that faithful day seven and half months ago. Without FINALLY being confronted I would have continued to live in denial and I would have become a shell of a person. Now I am becoming a person with a purpose and I do realize how lucky I am. Life really is good and no matter what happens in the future I know everything will work out.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Thirteen Years
Thirteen years ago today on a beautiful Fall afternoon in New Jersey my wife and I were married. It was the happiest day of my life. In fact everyone came up to me that day and asked me if I had been drinking or if I was "on" something because I had a smile from ear to ear and no I was not drinking nor was I "on" something I was genuinely happy to marry this beautiful woman. The day was perfect considering the day before and the day after it rained very hard. The sky was blue which is a rarity in New Jersey and we couldn't ask for a better day. It is so hard to believe 13 years have passed so quickly and in that time so much has happened.
My wife and I have known each other for 23 years (over half of our lives) and as you can see I took my time to ask this wonderful woman to marry me (10 years!!). We have been through some good times and some bad times. Obviously in my current situation I would classify it as the bad times but these bad times are turning out to be good times because the things I took for granted have a significant meaning to me. My wife is an Angel; I would be truly lost without her. She is kind, giving, has no ego, and genuinely sees the positive in people. How she has put up with me through all of this I will never know but I do appreciate her so very much. She is an outstanding mother and cherishes her role within the family. I know we have grown so much stronger in these past seven months and we are both better people for it.
I convinced this woman 11 years ago to move across country to start a new life. She left her family because she thought she was doing the right thing. Everything was working out fine until I decided to revert back to my old habits. Seven months ago my poor wife didn't know what hit her and I am so very sorry. She has stayed with me despite all of my flaws and character defects and I love her very much. She is a member of Gam-Anon because of what I did to her and the family. She is remarkable because she is unflappable most women wouldn't have put up with my crap and in fact most women would have left by now or killed me. However; my wife sees the good in all things and I guess she sees the good in me and I thank God each and every day for her support because without her my life would have no meaning.
I know both of us are working so hard to get back to so type of normalcy. The normal we once knew will be no more but normal now has a new meaning. This new normal will not be taken for granted because as long as we are all together as a family life is has a sense of purpose.
When I entered Gamblers Anonymous seven plus months ago it was NOT at the request of my wife and I was not doing it for my wife I was doing it for myself. I did this to the family and I need the help. My wife has been so supportive of my recovery and she understands my need to attend as many meetings as possible. Things do get a little hairy in the evening when I am out attending a GA meeting but my wife handles it all with such grace. She really is an amazing person and as each day goes by my love for her grows. Thank you for everything you have done for me and our family; I love you so very much and thank you for 13 wonderful years and I look forward to many many more. Happy Anniversary!!!!
My wife and I have known each other for 23 years (over half of our lives) and as you can see I took my time to ask this wonderful woman to marry me (10 years!!). We have been through some good times and some bad times. Obviously in my current situation I would classify it as the bad times but these bad times are turning out to be good times because the things I took for granted have a significant meaning to me. My wife is an Angel; I would be truly lost without her. She is kind, giving, has no ego, and genuinely sees the positive in people. How she has put up with me through all of this I will never know but I do appreciate her so very much. She is an outstanding mother and cherishes her role within the family. I know we have grown so much stronger in these past seven months and we are both better people for it.
I convinced this woman 11 years ago to move across country to start a new life. She left her family because she thought she was doing the right thing. Everything was working out fine until I decided to revert back to my old habits. Seven months ago my poor wife didn't know what hit her and I am so very sorry. She has stayed with me despite all of my flaws and character defects and I love her very much. She is a member of Gam-Anon because of what I did to her and the family. She is remarkable because she is unflappable most women wouldn't have put up with my crap and in fact most women would have left by now or killed me. However; my wife sees the good in all things and I guess she sees the good in me and I thank God each and every day for her support because without her my life would have no meaning.
I know both of us are working so hard to get back to so type of normalcy. The normal we once knew will be no more but normal now has a new meaning. This new normal will not be taken for granted because as long as we are all together as a family life is has a sense of purpose.
When I entered Gamblers Anonymous seven plus months ago it was NOT at the request of my wife and I was not doing it for my wife I was doing it for myself. I did this to the family and I need the help. My wife has been so supportive of my recovery and she understands my need to attend as many meetings as possible. Things do get a little hairy in the evening when I am out attending a GA meeting but my wife handles it all with such grace. She really is an amazing person and as each day goes by my love for her grows. Thank you for everything you have done for me and our family; I love you so very much and thank you for 13 wonderful years and I look forward to many many more. Happy Anniversary!!!!
Sunday, October 09, 2005
Two for the Money
After the Conference ended this morning my wife and I continued our anniversary weekend. Our wonderful friends were so kind to watch our children for the weekend (THANK YOU!!) so we decided to make today a day for ourselves after checking out of the hotel. First we had a lovely breakfast and then we decided to go the movies. I am very finicky when it comes to going to the movies and this is why I don't see many movies. There is a movie out on sports gambling called Two for the Money starring Al Pacino and Matthew McConaughey. When I saw the previews for this movie a few weeks ago I was intrigued but I was worried if I did see it would it bring back the old feeling or would it bring back bad memories? Since my wife really wanted to go to the movies and this is probably one of the only movies I sort of wanted to see we decided to go see it.
My quick review; it was a so-so movie and I would give it a B-. Al Pacino is a fantastic actor and as always gave an outstanding performance; his performance was very reminiscent of his character in the Devil's Advocate where he played the DEVIL; in fact the story of both movies are almost interchangeable. Matthew McConaughey did a very good job as well but his performance didn't seem like a stretch for him; I would expect the character in the movie and his "real life" personality to be the same.
Enough of the quick review on to a few points from the movie. There were three points in the movie that compulsive gamblers would really understand; one; Al Pacino's character is a recovering compulsive gambler who sell sports selections which means his company "tries" to give out point spread winners on college and pro football games. Matthew McConaughey character picks the winners but does not bet because he once lost everything he had on one bet a few years ago and has not bet since.
One of the scenes has Al Pacino going to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting and he makes a great point in relation to a fellow member's therapy. The fellow member was talking about how gambling has ruined his life and he is in debt up to his ears. Al Pacino tells this member he doesn't have a gambling problem he has a "mental problem' he is a lemon just like everyone else in the room including Al Pacino. Of course the scene is a bit over the top and Al Pacino's character gets kicked out of the meeting because he gets recognized as the point spread picking king but the point he was making is very valid. Yes, gambling appears to be the problem but if I am not open and honest enough with myself I will continue down the road to ruin. If I get help and continue working the GA program like it is meant to work I have a chance at a full and purposeful life.
Another point in the movie is that compulsive gamblers want to lose to punish themselves. Al Pacino's character takes this concept about as far as you can without killing himself. All aspects of his life is spent teetering on the edge even though in theory he is not gambling but he is still seeking the high gambling gave him 18 years ago when he quit gambling and joined Gamblers Anonymous. The third and final point was a statement made by Al Pacino's character when he was talking about the "high" of any addiction; to paraphrase; "the anticipation of the turn of the card, the passing of the dice, the spin of the slot machine and beginning of the sporting event gives you the greatest rush/high of any drug". This means it is not the actual turn of the card, spin of the slot machine, the outcome of the craps table or the final score of the football game it is right before all this happens the high is produced.
For me this was so true; I spent each day for the past 7 years waiting for the lines to come out and scouting those lines for the games I was going to bet, this is where I got the high from not the final score or the game the anticipation of the bet. In fact sometimes I didn't even care who won or lost the game I just new tomorrow would bring the new rush and I craved this rush for all of my adult life. I had to be "cracked open" to finally discover I was a "lemon" and could no longer live this way. I am so grateful to have found Gamblers Anonymous to finally learn about my gambling behavior. I know if I saw this movie last year before all of my "problems" I would have denied all of those points in the movie because I was so good at lying to myself that I believed everything was fine. Denial is a vice and the truth will set me free.
After seeing the movie I didn't have a sense of woe is me but it did bring back those old gambling memories. These old gambling memories were examined with openness and honesty. It made me realize what a "lemon" I really am and as long as I continue working the Program and living honestly I have a chance at arresting this disease. I must continue this thought process one day at time and continue working the steps in my recovery. Life has gotten so much better in the last seven months and I thank God I was "cracked open" to finally I realize I have a problem and need help. Without getting "cracked open" I would have kept living a life of denial and the people in my life I love so very much would have disappeared. The last seven months have been an awakening and I am blessed to experience everything life has to offer.
My quick review; it was a so-so movie and I would give it a B-. Al Pacino is a fantastic actor and as always gave an outstanding performance; his performance was very reminiscent of his character in the Devil's Advocate where he played the DEVIL; in fact the story of both movies are almost interchangeable. Matthew McConaughey did a very good job as well but his performance didn't seem like a stretch for him; I would expect the character in the movie and his "real life" personality to be the same.
Enough of the quick review on to a few points from the movie. There were three points in the movie that compulsive gamblers would really understand; one; Al Pacino's character is a recovering compulsive gambler who sell sports selections which means his company "tries" to give out point spread winners on college and pro football games. Matthew McConaughey character picks the winners but does not bet because he once lost everything he had on one bet a few years ago and has not bet since.
One of the scenes has Al Pacino going to a Gamblers Anonymous meeting and he makes a great point in relation to a fellow member's therapy. The fellow member was talking about how gambling has ruined his life and he is in debt up to his ears. Al Pacino tells this member he doesn't have a gambling problem he has a "mental problem' he is a lemon just like everyone else in the room including Al Pacino. Of course the scene is a bit over the top and Al Pacino's character gets kicked out of the meeting because he gets recognized as the point spread picking king but the point he was making is very valid. Yes, gambling appears to be the problem but if I am not open and honest enough with myself I will continue down the road to ruin. If I get help and continue working the GA program like it is meant to work I have a chance at a full and purposeful life.
Another point in the movie is that compulsive gamblers want to lose to punish themselves. Al Pacino's character takes this concept about as far as you can without killing himself. All aspects of his life is spent teetering on the edge even though in theory he is not gambling but he is still seeking the high gambling gave him 18 years ago when he quit gambling and joined Gamblers Anonymous. The third and final point was a statement made by Al Pacino's character when he was talking about the "high" of any addiction; to paraphrase; "the anticipation of the turn of the card, the passing of the dice, the spin of the slot machine and beginning of the sporting event gives you the greatest rush/high of any drug". This means it is not the actual turn of the card, spin of the slot machine, the outcome of the craps table or the final score of the football game it is right before all this happens the high is produced.
For me this was so true; I spent each day for the past 7 years waiting for the lines to come out and scouting those lines for the games I was going to bet, this is where I got the high from not the final score or the game the anticipation of the bet. In fact sometimes I didn't even care who won or lost the game I just new tomorrow would bring the new rush and I craved this rush for all of my adult life. I had to be "cracked open" to finally discover I was a "lemon" and could no longer live this way. I am so grateful to have found Gamblers Anonymous to finally learn about my gambling behavior. I know if I saw this movie last year before all of my "problems" I would have denied all of those points in the movie because I was so good at lying to myself that I believed everything was fine. Denial is a vice and the truth will set me free.
After seeing the movie I didn't have a sense of woe is me but it did bring back those old gambling memories. These old gambling memories were examined with openness and honesty. It made me realize what a "lemon" I really am and as long as I continue working the Program and living honestly I have a chance at arresting this disease. I must continue this thought process one day at time and continue working the steps in my recovery. Life has gotten so much better in the last seven months and I thank God I was "cracked open" to finally I realize I have a problem and need help. Without getting "cracked open" I would have kept living a life of denial and the people in my life I love so very much would have disappeared. The last seven months have been an awakening and I am blessed to experience everything life has to offer.
Saturday, October 08, 2005
Conference
Today was the Western States Gamblers Anonymous Conference in San Diego. My wife and I attended and we had a great time. The volunteers (and by the way they were all volunteers!) did a fantastic job. Registration, workshops, lunch, dinner and brunch all went off without a hitch. It was a first class conference and all of the attendees and committee organizers should be commended. I am so thankful my sponsor allowed me to be a part of the workshop on trust. We had about 100 people in the workshop and the participation from the audience was outstanding. I don't think anyone fell asleep and this is always a good thing!!
I was a little nervous because there was a lot of recovery time in the audience. I was almost embarrassed to tell everyone I had only 7 plus months of recovery but I do realize everyone has to start somewhere. I was able to warm up the room with the introduction and a brief story about how I got to Gamblers Anonymous and since the workshop was on Trust the emphasis of my story was on broken trust. Not only did I break the trust with my employer, I broke the trust of my wife, family and friends.
The workshop was great because not only were there Gamblers Anonymous Members there were Gam-Anon (those who are NOT compulsive gamblers yet were affected by the gambling of a loved one) members in the audience. Some of the subject matter pertained to the Gam-Anon members more so than the GA members. There was a great deal of audience participation and some wonderful insight on trust, justice and revenge. We were allotted an hour and 15 minutes but since we were the last workshop of the day we ran about 15 minutes long and no one seemed to mind. I was so proud to be a part of this workshop and conference; I continue to learn more and more each day and the more involved I get into GA the more I learn.
Many people came up to my sponsor and I after the workshop and complimented us and how good the workshop was. In fact one of the organizers from the next GA conference in Boston asked us if we would do the workshop for their conference. Obviously I cannot commit to something next Spring but my sponsor told me to plan on going to Boston. I certainly would love to go to Boston next Spring but I do know there are many factors which would prevent me from going but I do know I am doing the right things in my recovery and some day I will be able to plan for things six months in advance.
My wife was able to attend the Gam-Anon workshops and she seemed to absorb a great deal of useful information. I am so blessed to have her support and the fact that she is participating in Gam-Anon is a true testament to the wonderful character of my wife. She is an extraordinary person to put up with me and see we get through this very difficult time. We were able to stay the night at the hotel because it is our anniversary weekend (Our 13th anniversary is Monday and more on that Monday!) and were able to go out to a very nice dinner in the evening. It was so nice to get away and spend some good quality time with my wife, she is my shining star!
I was a little nervous because there was a lot of recovery time in the audience. I was almost embarrassed to tell everyone I had only 7 plus months of recovery but I do realize everyone has to start somewhere. I was able to warm up the room with the introduction and a brief story about how I got to Gamblers Anonymous and since the workshop was on Trust the emphasis of my story was on broken trust. Not only did I break the trust with my employer, I broke the trust of my wife, family and friends.
The workshop was great because not only were there Gamblers Anonymous Members there were Gam-Anon (those who are NOT compulsive gamblers yet were affected by the gambling of a loved one) members in the audience. Some of the subject matter pertained to the Gam-Anon members more so than the GA members. There was a great deal of audience participation and some wonderful insight on trust, justice and revenge. We were allotted an hour and 15 minutes but since we were the last workshop of the day we ran about 15 minutes long and no one seemed to mind. I was so proud to be a part of this workshop and conference; I continue to learn more and more each day and the more involved I get into GA the more I learn.
Many people came up to my sponsor and I after the workshop and complimented us and how good the workshop was. In fact one of the organizers from the next GA conference in Boston asked us if we would do the workshop for their conference. Obviously I cannot commit to something next Spring but my sponsor told me to plan on going to Boston. I certainly would love to go to Boston next Spring but I do know there are many factors which would prevent me from going but I do know I am doing the right things in my recovery and some day I will be able to plan for things six months in advance.
My wife was able to attend the Gam-Anon workshops and she seemed to absorb a great deal of useful information. I am so blessed to have her support and the fact that she is participating in Gam-Anon is a true testament to the wonderful character of my wife. She is an extraordinary person to put up with me and see we get through this very difficult time. We were able to stay the night at the hotel because it is our anniversary weekend (Our 13th anniversary is Monday and more on that Monday!) and were able to go out to a very nice dinner in the evening. It was so nice to get away and spend some good quality time with my wife, she is my shining star!
Friday, October 07, 2005
Family Fun Night
Tonight was "Family Fun Night" at my daughter's grammar school. Previously the school held a "Camp Buchanan" night this is where the students and their families would camp overnight on the school grounds. They would have a dinner (in year's past it was hosted by Outback Steakhouse) and show movies. The families would sleep in tents and sleeping bags. However; the school has grown so much over the past year they couldn't hold the "Camp Night" because there was no where put all of the families. The principal decided to hold a family fun night with a Hawaiian theme. The dinner was catered by a Hawaiian restaurant and there was Hawaiian style entertainment. The highlight of the evening (for the parents!)was a silent auction for all kinds of donated gift baskets.
In years past I know we would have bid on a few gift baskets but not this year. My wife and her friend split a bid on a gift basket and they were the high bidders. My wife was very excited about the auction and it was good to see her genuinely having a great time. Some of the gift baskets were extremely nice; Laker tickets in one basket, Charger tickets in another basket and sky diving lessons in yet another basket. All told there were 120 donated gift baskets. I even noticed my old employer donated one item to a gift basket.
The evening was a lot of fun for the children and this is what matters most. The school did a great job and they really reach out to each family. I must report on one issue; as I was standing in line waiting with my son to get a balloon animal (for lack of a better description!!) I noticed the gentlemen behind me was having a hard time with the wait time. His son was of kindergarten age and we all know five year olds aren't the most patient people and the line was moving very slowly. He was talking with his mother (the child's grandmother) and commenting how every year the lines are so long. Then his wife came up and asked him some questions and he became even more agitated. Yes, it took 45 minutes to get a "balloon animal" but this is to be expected.
The whole night was dedicated to the children and as long as they were having fun nothing else matters. Who cares if it took this long because there was only one person making the balloons. Each person who worked the event VOLUNTEERED their time and I would have no right to get angry because of the wait time. I was just happy my children were happy. This gentleman did not see it this way and to me it is a shame he felt this way. Life is way too short to get upset over trivial matters and I have learned in these past seven months the true definition of serenity. I cannot control these event nor do I want to control these events and God has a way of putting things into perspective. I thank God each and everyday for this perspective. It has taken me a long time to learn these concepts and my life is so much better because of it.
Tomorrow is the Gamblers Anonymous Western Conference and I am presenting at a workshop with my sponsor on Trust. I am looking forward to this Conference and the presentation. My sponsor is a very wise person and I was so fortunate he was at my first meeting. We connected immediately because I saw him nodding in agreement as I told my story as to what brought me to Gamblers Anonymous. He had a similar situation 16 years ago and he made it through. He has showed me there is life after gambling and as long as I work the Program this life after gambling is so much better than before. My sponsor is the kindest, most thoughtful, intelligent, genuine, honest and caring person I have ever met; it really is hard to believe he was capable of doing the things he did 16 years ago. This goes to show me what the compulsive gambling disease can do to kind, caring, thoughtful, intelligent and genuine people. It can turn them into monsters and this is what happened to me.
I am not dishonest person yet I did dishonest things. I am not a thoughtless person yet I did thoughtless things. I am not an uncaring person yet I did uncaring things. I am not a dumb person yet I did dumb things. All caused by my inability to recognize I have a compulsive gambling addiction. It has been seven months and 10 days since my last wager and I do realize I have an addiction. Through God, my family, Gamblers Anonymous and my friends I am recovering in the best way possible which is one day at a time.
In years past I know we would have bid on a few gift baskets but not this year. My wife and her friend split a bid on a gift basket and they were the high bidders. My wife was very excited about the auction and it was good to see her genuinely having a great time. Some of the gift baskets were extremely nice; Laker tickets in one basket, Charger tickets in another basket and sky diving lessons in yet another basket. All told there were 120 donated gift baskets. I even noticed my old employer donated one item to a gift basket.
The evening was a lot of fun for the children and this is what matters most. The school did a great job and they really reach out to each family. I must report on one issue; as I was standing in line waiting with my son to get a balloon animal (for lack of a better description!!) I noticed the gentlemen behind me was having a hard time with the wait time. His son was of kindergarten age and we all know five year olds aren't the most patient people and the line was moving very slowly. He was talking with his mother (the child's grandmother) and commenting how every year the lines are so long. Then his wife came up and asked him some questions and he became even more agitated. Yes, it took 45 minutes to get a "balloon animal" but this is to be expected.
The whole night was dedicated to the children and as long as they were having fun nothing else matters. Who cares if it took this long because there was only one person making the balloons. Each person who worked the event VOLUNTEERED their time and I would have no right to get angry because of the wait time. I was just happy my children were happy. This gentleman did not see it this way and to me it is a shame he felt this way. Life is way too short to get upset over trivial matters and I have learned in these past seven months the true definition of serenity. I cannot control these event nor do I want to control these events and God has a way of putting things into perspective. I thank God each and everyday for this perspective. It has taken me a long time to learn these concepts and my life is so much better because of it.
Tomorrow is the Gamblers Anonymous Western Conference and I am presenting at a workshop with my sponsor on Trust. I am looking forward to this Conference and the presentation. My sponsor is a very wise person and I was so fortunate he was at my first meeting. We connected immediately because I saw him nodding in agreement as I told my story as to what brought me to Gamblers Anonymous. He had a similar situation 16 years ago and he made it through. He has showed me there is life after gambling and as long as I work the Program this life after gambling is so much better than before. My sponsor is the kindest, most thoughtful, intelligent, genuine, honest and caring person I have ever met; it really is hard to believe he was capable of doing the things he did 16 years ago. This goes to show me what the compulsive gambling disease can do to kind, caring, thoughtful, intelligent and genuine people. It can turn them into monsters and this is what happened to me.
I am not dishonest person yet I did dishonest things. I am not a thoughtless person yet I did thoughtless things. I am not an uncaring person yet I did uncaring things. I am not a dumb person yet I did dumb things. All caused by my inability to recognize I have a compulsive gambling addiction. It has been seven months and 10 days since my last wager and I do realize I have an addiction. Through God, my family, Gamblers Anonymous and my friends I am recovering in the best way possible which is one day at a time.
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