I had all types of positive feelings as I walked back to camp from the wonderful GA meeting visit yesterday. I still had a sense of shock as I wasn’t expecting to be offered a job and really wasn’t sure it all happened. It did happen, and as I replay the scenes back, it was almost dreamlike. I remember long before I embarked on this part of my journey saying to myself that recovery is the right way and really the only way to go in order to have a positive life. As I continue with recovery, it became apparent I was going to prison for my misdeed. I knew prison would be a temporary experience, but recovery has to be permanent. I remain diligent in recovery, and these past seven months at camp have been wonderful because of these GA meetings/visits. I never envisioned having these meetings lead me to a job let alone being offered one at a meeting/visit. It has, and I am forever grateful. I needed to find someone who really knows me as a person and understands addiction. Amazingly, I have found two people who are willing to hire me because they know me as a person and understand addiction. Before I came to prison, I was offered a position with the Las Vegas Recovery Center. This position has remained somewhat open as I approach my release date. I was unable to take the position before I arrived in prison and I am unable to relocate to Las Vegas because I owe outstanding restitution. The second person is a dear friend from GA who does reside in California and is willing to take a chance on me. He has stated I am overqualified for the position, which I beg to differ. I am not overqualified for any position, and all I am looking forward to is an opportunity. This opportunity has presented itself, and I am extremely excited to start. As I mentioned, this will be a new beginning, and my mind is in such a great place for the first time in a long time.
I needed to share this good news with my wife so I decided to call her yesterday instead of on New Year’s Dat. My wife was not expecting my telephone call but quickly warmed up when I told her the good news. I’m not sure if it is the way these telephones operate, but I really don’t enjoy talking on them. There is a recording which pops up every few minutes stating the call may be recorded or monitored, and the connection is not the greatest. I was excited to tell my wife, but I didn’t receive the same excitement back. I may have misinterpreted this because of the odd connection, but I seemed to get cautious excitement. I also mentioned some things about the future in California for me and possibly for us as a family and didn’t receive much input from my wife. She is still very noncommittal about coming back out to California when the children finish school in June. Things are most certainly coming together for me, and now one of the missing pieces, my family, should start to come together soon. I can’t say this enough. I messed up and upset the lives of my wife and children. Everything seems to be working out very well for everyone as my family has been well taken care of while they have been in New Jersey. I can’t blame my wife one bit for her feelings of confusion. She is enjoying New Jersey with family and may prefer to remain in New Jersey. This does present a dilemma for me because I want to reunite with my family as soon as possible, and this may have to wait another 13 months. I would also like to rebuild my career and have my family with me. I need to stop obsessing on this issue and trust and believe everything will work out for the very best because it will.
I was able to speak with my daughter and son as well. They sounded great, and I know I have said this before but my daughter continue to mature. Also, my son is so full of energy. It is funny because both of them were commenting on the fact that they have to go back to school on Wednesday from their Christmas vacation while the schools in California don’t go back for another two weeks. I don’t know exactly where they got this information, and my daughter may have remembered when we all lived in California. I did remind my daughter that school starts much earlier in California (August) as opposed to New Jersey (September). She did say, “Oh, I forgot about that.” This was strange because I could remember my daughter counting down the days until she went back to school. I guess things change! It was great speaking with them, and I wished them a Happy New Year!
The rest of the day yesterday I spent writing letters about the good news of the day. Yet, it was an all-around great day, and in the evening, it was the usual with my roommate. Dinner was underwhelming so I broke out the bag of granola as a snack. I fell asleep listening to the all news radio station as they were talking about the upcoming primaries and caucuses in a few day. Politically, 2008 is shaping up to be a very interesting year. I don’t believe I will be able to vote in the presidential election, but I am still interested in who will be our next president. The Republican side appears to be a mess, and the Democratic side seems to be a two-person race. I thought it would be Hillary against Rudy, but these two may not even receive the nomination.
The early morning once again came quickly, and it was outside to the weight area. My roommate and I completed the four-day workout cycle yesterday and today could have been an off day; however, some of the equipment we don’t normally get to use was available so we went out this morning. We had a very good workout, and the air temperature was much warmer than it has been. The session ended, and it appears tomorrow will be out day off from the weight area. All of the crews were in camp today, and it was just like last week on Christmas Eve. I quickly cleaned the bathrooms because of everyone being in camp. I thought about doing some more exercising, but my legs needed some rest so I took it easy the rest of the day.
I soon realized today is the last day of 2007, and I will have to say yay! Yes, I spent all of 2007 incarcerated; however, it is all coming to an end very soon. Last year at this time, I was up in Jamestown and wasn’t in the best frame of mind. These past 365 days have gone very quickly thank God! It has gone quickly because time does move fast, and I am not in a great place both mentally and physically. Also, I am in an incredibly spiritual place knowing my higher power is extraordinary. I am looking very much ahead to a bright, beautifully 2008 as I say goodbye to 2007.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Sunday, December 30, 2007
*ONE DOOR CLOSES - ANOTHER OPENS*
After my workout, I watched a little of the news mostly for the weather forecast and again I didn’t go to breakfast since my dear friends from GA were due for their visit and they bring so much food. My name was the first one called for visits. I made my way down to the visiting area and saw my beloved friends. There were five people in attendance and one of them I had not seen in over a year and a half. It was great to see everyone and I thoroughly love these meeting/visits.
I was right to not eat because the food was plentiful and great. Even better than the food was the meeting. I do look forward to these meetings and they have been one of the highlights of the past 17 months. Toward the end of the meeting, my dear friend who I hadn’t seen in over a year and a half asked me what I was going to do when I get out. I told him my plans and he asked if I had a job since I have to reside in California. He then asked if I would be interested in working for him. I jumped at the opportunity because he runs a very successful recovery practice in the area. As it turns out, his office manager is leaving after working for him for 7 ½ years and I was the first person he thought of as a replacement. Of course, I said YES and I was a bit in shock! My other friends (some were in on it and some weren’t) were very excited. The job is heavily accounting oriented and is most certainly a “position of trust”. One of my dear friends mentioned the saying – “When one door closes another opens.” Wow! This is most certainly the case. I was at a loss of words and couldn’t stop smiling. I was concerned about finding a job when I am released but that concern was rectified today. This position will be very much like the position I was offered at the Las Vegas Recovery Center. It is only a few miles from where I used to live in Southern California. Also, the building I will be working in is where most of the GA meetings are held. I haven’t seen this new building because it was just built in the last year.
My surprise announcement came near the end of the meeting and this dear friend came today with the specific purpose of asking if I was interested in the position. This is a fantastic gift and those possible pressures and fears have been diminished. There are wonderful people in this world and I am blessed to have finally found these extraordinary people. Recovery is so powerful and once again my life continues to get better and better with each day. I so look forward to February 27th and told my friend that I would stop by the office on that very day.
I did close a very big door almost three years ago with all my misdeeds. However, in recovery other doors have started to open slowly. The one big door I opened almost three years ago was when I walked through the GA room. The door to my addiction took a very long time to close and I must be extremely mindful because that door can come busting open at anytime. As long as I stay focused in recovery and continue doing the right things, more large brilliant positive doors will open, and the doors of my sordid past will remain sealed. I embrace these doors and do know everything is working out as intended. I would like to thank my dear friend for this opportunity and I look forward to a very bright future.
**THANK YOU**
I was right to not eat because the food was plentiful and great. Even better than the food was the meeting. I do look forward to these meetings and they have been one of the highlights of the past 17 months. Toward the end of the meeting, my dear friend who I hadn’t seen in over a year and a half asked me what I was going to do when I get out. I told him my plans and he asked if I had a job since I have to reside in California. He then asked if I would be interested in working for him. I jumped at the opportunity because he runs a very successful recovery practice in the area. As it turns out, his office manager is leaving after working for him for 7 ½ years and I was the first person he thought of as a replacement. Of course, I said YES and I was a bit in shock! My other friends (some were in on it and some weren’t) were very excited. The job is heavily accounting oriented and is most certainly a “position of trust”. One of my dear friends mentioned the saying – “When one door closes another opens.” Wow! This is most certainly the case. I was at a loss of words and couldn’t stop smiling. I was concerned about finding a job when I am released but that concern was rectified today. This position will be very much like the position I was offered at the Las Vegas Recovery Center. It is only a few miles from where I used to live in Southern California. Also, the building I will be working in is where most of the GA meetings are held. I haven’t seen this new building because it was just built in the last year.
My surprise announcement came near the end of the meeting and this dear friend came today with the specific purpose of asking if I was interested in the position. This is a fantastic gift and those possible pressures and fears have been diminished. There are wonderful people in this world and I am blessed to have finally found these extraordinary people. Recovery is so powerful and once again my life continues to get better and better with each day. I so look forward to February 27th and told my friend that I would stop by the office on that very day.
I did close a very big door almost three years ago with all my misdeeds. However, in recovery other doors have started to open slowly. The one big door I opened almost three years ago was when I walked through the GA room. The door to my addiction took a very long time to close and I must be extremely mindful because that door can come busting open at anytime. As long as I stay focused in recovery and continue doing the right things, more large brilliant positive doors will open, and the doors of my sordid past will remain sealed. I embrace these doors and do know everything is working out as intended. I would like to thank my dear friend for this opportunity and I look forward to a very bright future.
**THANK YOU**
Saturday, December 29, 2007
Newspaper Articles
After exercising I was going over to the library to do some writing but I got sidetracked with a conversation about a few newspaper articles regarding the prison system. A strange thrust of fate has arisen within this whole prison overcrowding dilemma. The state of California faces a very large budget deficit– estimates put it at between $10 to $14 billion dollars – due to the collapse of the real estate market. Governor Schwarzenneger is proposing cuts across the prisons and education. One of the proposals has the Governor releasing over 20,000 inmates which would save the state money. These are just possible proposals and I very much doubt any of this will impact me as the timing arises very close to my release date.
California appears headed into a budget crisis and 2008 should be an interesting year. The ironic part of this possible release is that the articles or the Governor never mentioned anything about overcrowding. Also, the Governor was adamant one year ago about NOT releasing any inmates early. I guess the old adage “money talks and bull____ walks” comes to mind! There is so much talk of releasing inmates early – I do believe something is bound to happen and most likely sometime in 2008. I am leaving here on February 27th which is my focus, and the end is very near – then the new beautiful beginning commences.
California appears headed into a budget crisis and 2008 should be an interesting year. The ironic part of this possible release is that the articles or the Governor never mentioned anything about overcrowding. Also, the Governor was adamant one year ago about NOT releasing any inmates early. I guess the old adage “money talks and bull____ walks” comes to mind! There is so much talk of releasing inmates early – I do believe something is bound to happen and most likely sometime in 2008. I am leaving here on February 27th which is my focus, and the end is very near – then the new beautiful beginning commences.
Friday, December 28, 2007
THE WOODS
Last night I finished reading THE WOODS by Harlan Coben. I believe this is my sixth or seventh book I have read by him. I have mentioned before he is my mother’s favorite author and is at the top of my list. This novel is very typical of the other novels as it was suspenseful, funny , and had very interesting characters. Mr. Coben does reside in NJ and this novel like most of the others has a definite “Jerseyesque” feel. He even brings in songs from NJ finest – The Boss, Bruce Springsteen. I enjoyed the novel very much. There was a point near the conclusion that I said to myself, “I hope it doesn’t end the way I am thinking it will end” and it did not. He always seems to have a twist and THE WOODS was no different. I believe this is his current release and he is very popular with other inmates as well. I was asked by several others if they could borrow the book when I was finished and now there is a long waiting list. This was a wonderful Christmas present.
I am fairly confident of the job I do cleaning the bathrooms. They aren’t sparkling clean because they will never be since they were built 20 years ago and I doubt much refurbishment has taken place over this period. The tiles are dated and the concrete floors have some wear and tear on them. I do my best to get the areas as clean as possible and it takes me all morning to do this. I have witnessed others who have cleaned the bathrooms in the past and there is nowhere the effort I put into it. I say this because sometimes I find it unfortunate when criticism is sent my way. The unfortunate part is the criticism is not constructive nor could actually be called criticism. It is more saying things just to say things. I have become used to it and it doesn’t bother me, but I will say there is really no need for this at all. I have less than two months and all of this will be in the past. As for now this is my present and I am dealing with it accordingly.
This afternoon I again put pen to paper because I received four more letters last night. I was in the mood to write and spent a good portion of the afternoon writing these letters. I also read most of the current issues of Time and Newsweek which were the year-end editions and I am certainly happy to see 2007 come to a close. I could consider this year a lost year as I have been separated from my family and also society. However, all was not certainly lost as I continue to discover wonderful things. I have discovered a peace of mind I have not had and this is all thanks to recovery. This has allowed me to move through this journey in a positive manner. These discoveries continue each and every day. Yes, I am happy to see the year come to a close as I look forward to a phenomenal 2008. I will re-enter society and obviously I can’t wait for that day. There could be a few challenges ahead but I prefer to view it as a new wondrous journey. I have and continue to move through this part very well. I have no doubts the next part will continue to provide more extraordinary discoveries and I am eager to see these one day at a time.
The time does pass and I spent the entire time in the library writing this afternoon. The library is now inhabited by Lucy the cat. Actually, she is more of a kitten but as far as cats go she seems okay. I may have grown out of my allergies towards cats because after spending several hours with her, I didn’t sneeze once nor did my eyes water. I kept a distance from the cat and didn’t pet her. I’m not much for cats because I always feel they are sneaky and can’t seem to trust them. I much prefer dogs, but I can understand why some people enjoy cats. Anyhow maybe I no longer have the cat allergy.
I am trying not to write about food so much but I have to say something about dinner these past two evenings. Apparently the kitchen has run out of rice and in its place potatoes have been served. I have tried these in the past, but I can no longer bring myself to eat them. This leaves me with only the beans to eat. Normally, I do not complain because I am grateful for whatever I get. However, maybe my roommate has spoiled me too much and now he is no longer working with the kitchen so I feel a little left out. Our friend has taken over my roommate’s old position and he is still finding his way. The absence of rice over the past two evenings caused my food intake to go down by 50% and the beans are a bit too potent on their own. My stomach wasn’t feeling very well last night and my roommate noticed my irritable mood and asked if he could get me some food. I declined his offer but gave in to the cornbread he brought back. This helped to settle my stomach and once again we had another great conversation during the evening.
I am fairly confident of the job I do cleaning the bathrooms. They aren’t sparkling clean because they will never be since they were built 20 years ago and I doubt much refurbishment has taken place over this period. The tiles are dated and the concrete floors have some wear and tear on them. I do my best to get the areas as clean as possible and it takes me all morning to do this. I have witnessed others who have cleaned the bathrooms in the past and there is nowhere the effort I put into it. I say this because sometimes I find it unfortunate when criticism is sent my way. The unfortunate part is the criticism is not constructive nor could actually be called criticism. It is more saying things just to say things. I have become used to it and it doesn’t bother me, but I will say there is really no need for this at all. I have less than two months and all of this will be in the past. As for now this is my present and I am dealing with it accordingly.
This afternoon I again put pen to paper because I received four more letters last night. I was in the mood to write and spent a good portion of the afternoon writing these letters. I also read most of the current issues of Time and Newsweek which were the year-end editions and I am certainly happy to see 2007 come to a close. I could consider this year a lost year as I have been separated from my family and also society. However, all was not certainly lost as I continue to discover wonderful things. I have discovered a peace of mind I have not had and this is all thanks to recovery. This has allowed me to move through this journey in a positive manner. These discoveries continue each and every day. Yes, I am happy to see the year come to a close as I look forward to a phenomenal 2008. I will re-enter society and obviously I can’t wait for that day. There could be a few challenges ahead but I prefer to view it as a new wondrous journey. I have and continue to move through this part very well. I have no doubts the next part will continue to provide more extraordinary discoveries and I am eager to see these one day at a time.
The time does pass and I spent the entire time in the library writing this afternoon. The library is now inhabited by Lucy the cat. Actually, she is more of a kitten but as far as cats go she seems okay. I may have grown out of my allergies towards cats because after spending several hours with her, I didn’t sneeze once nor did my eyes water. I kept a distance from the cat and didn’t pet her. I’m not much for cats because I always feel they are sneaky and can’t seem to trust them. I much prefer dogs, but I can understand why some people enjoy cats. Anyhow maybe I no longer have the cat allergy.
I am trying not to write about food so much but I have to say something about dinner these past two evenings. Apparently the kitchen has run out of rice and in its place potatoes have been served. I have tried these in the past, but I can no longer bring myself to eat them. This leaves me with only the beans to eat. Normally, I do not complain because I am grateful for whatever I get. However, maybe my roommate has spoiled me too much and now he is no longer working with the kitchen so I feel a little left out. Our friend has taken over my roommate’s old position and he is still finding his way. The absence of rice over the past two evenings caused my food intake to go down by 50% and the beans are a bit too potent on their own. My stomach wasn’t feeling very well last night and my roommate noticed my irritable mood and asked if he could get me some food. I declined his offer but gave in to the cornbread he brought back. This helped to settle my stomach and once again we had another great conversation during the evening.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Two Months To Go!
The days are moving along quickly and really there is nothing much new. I did hit the mother load during mail call as I received seven pieces of mail. This is a combination of the Christmas holiday and the fact that there wasn’t any mail delivery on Monday or Tuesday. Amazingly the seven pieces were from six different sources as my mom was the lone duplicate.
There was an interesting letter from a person I do not know. She is a reporter with the San Jose Mercury News which is located in Northern California. Interestingly enough I know this newspaper quite well because I have read their on-line edition for a number of years. Of course, it has been at least 17 months since I last read from this but I have always been impressed with the content. This particular investigative reporter is doing a story on pathological gambling. A very good friend referred this reporter to me. I have had some experience with investigative reporters over the past three years and one of those experiences didn’t turn out the way I would have liked. On the other hand, I have participated in other pieces which turned out very well and I even made a good friend from one of these. I won’t let the one semi-bad experience prevent me from assisting. This piece will not be about me (thank God); it will be about pathological gambling and if it helps one person then it will be worth it. The reporter would like to interview me in person and I am fairly certain she is aware of my current situation. I responded to the letter and explained the ways to correspond with me and I also included a visiting form. I don’t know if special accommodations are made for reporters so I don’t know where this is all headed nor do I know the time frame. Of course, meeting with me will be much easier in two months from today as I will be released. I am interested to assist so I will see where it goes.
In one of the other pieces of mail was a Christmas card from my wife which contained the card she sent out this year. It was a cute photograph of my son and daughter standing next to the Christmas tree at their grandmother’s house in NJ. My goodness, my daughter gets prettier and prettier with every picture. My son gets bigger and bigger with every picture and after I showed the picture to my roommate, he commented, “Your son is going to kick your ass when you see him next because he keeps getting bigger and bigger!” Yes, I am sure this will be the case, but it was a great picture.
I took the mail back to my room and went through it as I sipped on some tea. As quickly as my cold arrived, it departed that much quicker. Over the course of the evening, the stuffiness and annoying drip disappeared without the aid of medication. I was thankful for it to go away, but there seems to be a great deal of germs floating around here. Also, the weather has been crazy on Christmas Eve Day. I ran in shorts and a tee shirt and now the temperature seemed to have dropped 30 degrees into the 30’s.
Breakfast was uneventful and the rumor circulating the camp was all the in campers would be drug tested today. This rumor caused me to “hold it” for as long as I could and as rumors go – this one was unfounded. I do find the rumors quite comical and I have no issue with drug testing everyday. The rest of the day was the usual filled with writing and reading. Yes, another typical day.
There was an interesting letter from a person I do not know. She is a reporter with the San Jose Mercury News which is located in Northern California. Interestingly enough I know this newspaper quite well because I have read their on-line edition for a number of years. Of course, it has been at least 17 months since I last read from this but I have always been impressed with the content. This particular investigative reporter is doing a story on pathological gambling. A very good friend referred this reporter to me. I have had some experience with investigative reporters over the past three years and one of those experiences didn’t turn out the way I would have liked. On the other hand, I have participated in other pieces which turned out very well and I even made a good friend from one of these. I won’t let the one semi-bad experience prevent me from assisting. This piece will not be about me (thank God); it will be about pathological gambling and if it helps one person then it will be worth it. The reporter would like to interview me in person and I am fairly certain she is aware of my current situation. I responded to the letter and explained the ways to correspond with me and I also included a visiting form. I don’t know if special accommodations are made for reporters so I don’t know where this is all headed nor do I know the time frame. Of course, meeting with me will be much easier in two months from today as I will be released. I am interested to assist so I will see where it goes.
In one of the other pieces of mail was a Christmas card from my wife which contained the card she sent out this year. It was a cute photograph of my son and daughter standing next to the Christmas tree at their grandmother’s house in NJ. My goodness, my daughter gets prettier and prettier with every picture. My son gets bigger and bigger with every picture and after I showed the picture to my roommate, he commented, “Your son is going to kick your ass when you see him next because he keeps getting bigger and bigger!” Yes, I am sure this will be the case, but it was a great picture.
I took the mail back to my room and went through it as I sipped on some tea. As quickly as my cold arrived, it departed that much quicker. Over the course of the evening, the stuffiness and annoying drip disappeared without the aid of medication. I was thankful for it to go away, but there seems to be a great deal of germs floating around here. Also, the weather has been crazy on Christmas Eve Day. I ran in shorts and a tee shirt and now the temperature seemed to have dropped 30 degrees into the 30’s.
Breakfast was uneventful and the rumor circulating the camp was all the in campers would be drug tested today. This rumor caused me to “hold it” for as long as I could and as rumors go – this one was unfounded. I do find the rumors quite comical and I have no issue with drug testing everyday. The rest of the day was the usual filled with writing and reading. Yes, another typical day.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Christmas is Over!
December 26
As I went to sleep last night after the dysfunctional “Risk” game saying to myself, “Christmas is over, YAY!” I made it through the second Christmas in a row without seeing my family. Thankfully, this will be the last of that. My dear friend who visited made my day and this Christmas Day was so much better than last year. Waking up this morning, I realized I have nine more weeks to go exactly. This means nine more Wednesdays, including today and on the ninth Wednesday, I will be walking out of here, YES!
Some of the crews went out and some were laid in. This didn’t matter to me because everyone was kept out of the bathrooms which were in need of a deep cleaning which lasted all morning long. It is amazing how fast time goes when one cleans the bathrooms! It certainly goes by quickly and just like that, half of the day after Christmas was over. I didn’t go out for a hike or a run after cleaning but I did workout in the exercise room this morning. I was content with writing and reading. The days are moving quickly and my “government sabbatical” will come to an end and it will be back to the real world. I realized last night when I was speaking with a fellow inmate who is very interested in taking over my job when I leave that I will be out of here very shortly. I don’t know what it was, but as we talked, it hit me that in two months from now I won’t be cleaning the bathrooms anymore and I won’t be here anymore. I am very excited and obviously look forward to this new beginning!
As I went to sleep last night after the dysfunctional “Risk” game saying to myself, “Christmas is over, YAY!” I made it through the second Christmas in a row without seeing my family. Thankfully, this will be the last of that. My dear friend who visited made my day and this Christmas Day was so much better than last year. Waking up this morning, I realized I have nine more weeks to go exactly. This means nine more Wednesdays, including today and on the ninth Wednesday, I will be walking out of here, YES!
Some of the crews went out and some were laid in. This didn’t matter to me because everyone was kept out of the bathrooms which were in need of a deep cleaning which lasted all morning long. It is amazing how fast time goes when one cleans the bathrooms! It certainly goes by quickly and just like that, half of the day after Christmas was over. I didn’t go out for a hike or a run after cleaning but I did workout in the exercise room this morning. I was content with writing and reading. The days are moving quickly and my “government sabbatical” will come to an end and it will be back to the real world. I realized last night when I was speaking with a fellow inmate who is very interested in taking over my job when I leave that I will be out of here very shortly. I don’t know what it was, but as we talked, it hit me that in two months from now I won’t be cleaning the bathrooms anymore and I won’t be here anymore. I am very excited and obviously look forward to this new beginning!
Merry Christmas 2007
Merry Christmas!
I made my way over to the telephones so I could see how Christmas morning progressed in NJ. I spoke with my wife and was informed the children were very excited for Santa’s arrival. My son was the first one awake and I believe my daughter sent him into my wife’s room to wake her up. The gifts were quite nice as my daughter received an I-pod. It is amazing my 9 year old daughter has one already. My son received the Nintendo Wii. They were so excited with their gifts and my daughter wanted to know if Santa gave me the picture she drew for me. I told her it was still early out here and I hadn’t gone to the Christmas tree yet. I can’t wait to receive this picture because my daughter drew it freehand and according to my wife it is very good.
My mother has a saying which was passed down from her father – “Well, Christmas is over.” This is why I prefer Christmas Eve to Christmas Day because once those gifts are opened, it does feel like it is over. Here it was a little past 10:00 am on the east coast and for all intents and purposes, Christmas was indeed over. Technically, there are many hours remaining in the day and my family will be going over to my brother-in-law’s house. However, selfishly, I sort of like the fact that Christmas is over because this means I made it through another family holiday and other than missing my son and daughter’s birthdays in February, I won’t miss anything anymore. I am looking forward to the next two months going quickly.
Last year, I was unable to speak with my family on Christmas which was very frustrating. Thankfully, that frustration no longer exists and I was able to speak with them on both days.
As I was walking to breakfast, I noticed raffle tickets were being given to each inmate. I heard that there were raffle drawings all throughout the day. Obviously there is no cost to enter the drawing as our entry fee was settled sometime ago! Part of a large part of the GA Program is abstaining from gambling which is defined as “any betting or wagering for self or others, whether for money or not, no matter how slight or insignificant, where the outcome is uncertain or depends upon chance or ‘skill’ constitutes gambling.” This may seem like a broad definition, but remember it is geared towards the compulsive gambler and the emphasis is on abstinence. This is why I gave my raffle ticket to my roommate. This innocuous drawing may seem slight or insignificant, but that is the point of the whole program; abstaining from gambling. I must be vigilant in my recovery which is why I need not participate in the drawing. The drawings are a very nice gesture as the prizes do add a positive to the inmates. After all, this is prison and anything remotely close to this is extraordinarily pleasant.
I was looking forward to my friend’s visit today, but if circumstances prevented him from coming, I would completely understand. He said he would be here about 11:00 am, but I was not called. I started reading one of my Christmas presents, “The Woods” by Harlan Coben and heard my name called at 12:45. My friend did make it and when we greeted each other, he apologized for being late. This didn’t matter at all and the fact that he was here made all the difference in the world. He came armed with two grocery bags from Trader Joe’s. In the bags were much too much food. My friend brought Gardenburgers which were still hot because the visit was inside the dining hall and there was no way to prepare the burgers so he made them before he arrived. The time passed so quickly and when the announcement that visiting was over came, my dear friend remarked, “Already? Man, that was fast!” Yes, it does go by quickly and I was so grateful for this visit. He is a truly a great friend and he made my Christmas very special.
Christmas dinner was over and bingo would be played for the biggest prizes of the day. My friends and I decided to play “Risk” since I really couldn’t play Bingo. I have never played Risk before nor had my roommate but one friend had. My roommate and I were setting up the game because the box had never been opened. We had to figure out how to play but were a few degrees short of patient. We were about to give up when my other friend came in and told us how to play. The game started and it is a bit complex. I started to understand but my roommate quickly lost interest. I have no idea how long that game usually lasts as we played for two hours with no end in sight. We decided to call it a night with the outcome undetermined. In those two hours there were good laughs and friendship. I t was a fitting way to spend Christmas evening in prison.
I made my way over to the telephones so I could see how Christmas morning progressed in NJ. I spoke with my wife and was informed the children were very excited for Santa’s arrival. My son was the first one awake and I believe my daughter sent him into my wife’s room to wake her up. The gifts were quite nice as my daughter received an I-pod. It is amazing my 9 year old daughter has one already. My son received the Nintendo Wii. They were so excited with their gifts and my daughter wanted to know if Santa gave me the picture she drew for me. I told her it was still early out here and I hadn’t gone to the Christmas tree yet. I can’t wait to receive this picture because my daughter drew it freehand and according to my wife it is very good.
My mother has a saying which was passed down from her father – “Well, Christmas is over.” This is why I prefer Christmas Eve to Christmas Day because once those gifts are opened, it does feel like it is over. Here it was a little past 10:00 am on the east coast and for all intents and purposes, Christmas was indeed over. Technically, there are many hours remaining in the day and my family will be going over to my brother-in-law’s house. However, selfishly, I sort of like the fact that Christmas is over because this means I made it through another family holiday and other than missing my son and daughter’s birthdays in February, I won’t miss anything anymore. I am looking forward to the next two months going quickly.
Last year, I was unable to speak with my family on Christmas which was very frustrating. Thankfully, that frustration no longer exists and I was able to speak with them on both days.
As I was walking to breakfast, I noticed raffle tickets were being given to each inmate. I heard that there were raffle drawings all throughout the day. Obviously there is no cost to enter the drawing as our entry fee was settled sometime ago! Part of a large part of the GA Program is abstaining from gambling which is defined as “any betting or wagering for self or others, whether for money or not, no matter how slight or insignificant, where the outcome is uncertain or depends upon chance or ‘skill’ constitutes gambling.” This may seem like a broad definition, but remember it is geared towards the compulsive gambler and the emphasis is on abstinence. This is why I gave my raffle ticket to my roommate. This innocuous drawing may seem slight or insignificant, but that is the point of the whole program; abstaining from gambling. I must be vigilant in my recovery which is why I need not participate in the drawing. The drawings are a very nice gesture as the prizes do add a positive to the inmates. After all, this is prison and anything remotely close to this is extraordinarily pleasant.
I was looking forward to my friend’s visit today, but if circumstances prevented him from coming, I would completely understand. He said he would be here about 11:00 am, but I was not called. I started reading one of my Christmas presents, “The Woods” by Harlan Coben and heard my name called at 12:45. My friend did make it and when we greeted each other, he apologized for being late. This didn’t matter at all and the fact that he was here made all the difference in the world. He came armed with two grocery bags from Trader Joe’s. In the bags were much too much food. My friend brought Gardenburgers which were still hot because the visit was inside the dining hall and there was no way to prepare the burgers so he made them before he arrived. The time passed so quickly and when the announcement that visiting was over came, my dear friend remarked, “Already? Man, that was fast!” Yes, it does go by quickly and I was so grateful for this visit. He is a truly a great friend and he made my Christmas very special.
Christmas dinner was over and bingo would be played for the biggest prizes of the day. My friends and I decided to play “Risk” since I really couldn’t play Bingo. I have never played Risk before nor had my roommate but one friend had. My roommate and I were setting up the game because the box had never been opened. We had to figure out how to play but were a few degrees short of patient. We were about to give up when my other friend came in and told us how to play. The game started and it is a bit complex. I started to understand but my roommate quickly lost interest. I have no idea how long that game usually lasts as we played for two hours with no end in sight. We decided to call it a night with the outcome undetermined. In those two hours there were good laughs and friendship. I t was a fitting way to spend Christmas evening in prison.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Day Before Christmas 2007
December 24
I have always enjoyed the day before Christmas more than Christmas Day. I guess it has to do with the anticipation of Christmas. Christmas Eve has always been a peaceful and tranquil day even though I may not have realized it as I was going through the day. Here I am about 3000 miles away from my family and what I wouldn’t give for being with them. Thankfully, this will be the last Christmas Eve I will be separated from my family. As I look back at the Christmas Eves of my past, I have to smile. No matter where I was, I was always with family until last year. I have come along way from then where I was miserable during the holiday. I couldn’t wait for those days to pass so it would be over. Quite frankly, I am looking forward to these days passing but I am no longer unhappy. I know, thanks to recovery, there will be many more “free” Christmas Eves and they will be spent with families.
For Christmas Eve dinner, my roommate who is an incredible chef, made one of the most delicious fish entries I have ever eaten. He made a Mahi-Mahi seasoned with peppers, jalapenos, garlic and other tasty seasonings. Here I sit in prison eating one of the most delicious meals I have ever eaten. I savored every bite as I have not experienced so much flavor in a long time. I do believe my roommate should become a chef when this is all said and done for him because he is an artist with food.
I had the opportunity to telephone my family as everyone was at my mother’s house. I spoke to seven different people in the allotted 15 minute timeframe. It sounded very lively when I called as they were getting ready to open presents. I wished everyone a Merry Christmas and I could feel the love across the telephone line. I may not have been there physically, but I was there in spirit. I won’t lie and say I didn’t have any thoughts of being there. I would have loved to be there, but I accept my current situation. I am fortunate that my situation is coming to a close in two months because there are others who have much longer to go. Some guys I have met have missed 13, 14, and 15 Christmas seasons with their families. I’m not sure how they do it, but I do believe it does come to accepting one’s lot. There aren’t a whole lot of options and accepting is the best way and more beneficial with dealing with each day especially on Christmas Eve.
Before my fall from grace, my wife and I would always have discussions regarding the Christmas holiday. I remember wanting to always stay home with the children and I didn’t look forward to the running around. Now, being in my current situation, I welcome the running around because it was actually spending time with the family. I could care less if I never received another Christmas present because my present is being with my family. In spite of being separated from my loved ones, I had a good day. I ended it with a great conversation with my roommate. What a difference a year makes and I suspect each year will continue to make a profoundly significant difference in my life.
I have always enjoyed the day before Christmas more than Christmas Day. I guess it has to do with the anticipation of Christmas. Christmas Eve has always been a peaceful and tranquil day even though I may not have realized it as I was going through the day. Here I am about 3000 miles away from my family and what I wouldn’t give for being with them. Thankfully, this will be the last Christmas Eve I will be separated from my family. As I look back at the Christmas Eves of my past, I have to smile. No matter where I was, I was always with family until last year. I have come along way from then where I was miserable during the holiday. I couldn’t wait for those days to pass so it would be over. Quite frankly, I am looking forward to these days passing but I am no longer unhappy. I know, thanks to recovery, there will be many more “free” Christmas Eves and they will be spent with families.
For Christmas Eve dinner, my roommate who is an incredible chef, made one of the most delicious fish entries I have ever eaten. He made a Mahi-Mahi seasoned with peppers, jalapenos, garlic and other tasty seasonings. Here I sit in prison eating one of the most delicious meals I have ever eaten. I savored every bite as I have not experienced so much flavor in a long time. I do believe my roommate should become a chef when this is all said and done for him because he is an artist with food.
I had the opportunity to telephone my family as everyone was at my mother’s house. I spoke to seven different people in the allotted 15 minute timeframe. It sounded very lively when I called as they were getting ready to open presents. I wished everyone a Merry Christmas and I could feel the love across the telephone line. I may not have been there physically, but I was there in spirit. I won’t lie and say I didn’t have any thoughts of being there. I would have loved to be there, but I accept my current situation. I am fortunate that my situation is coming to a close in two months because there are others who have much longer to go. Some guys I have met have missed 13, 14, and 15 Christmas seasons with their families. I’m not sure how they do it, but I do believe it does come to accepting one’s lot. There aren’t a whole lot of options and accepting is the best way and more beneficial with dealing with each day especially on Christmas Eve.
Before my fall from grace, my wife and I would always have discussions regarding the Christmas holiday. I remember wanting to always stay home with the children and I didn’t look forward to the running around. Now, being in my current situation, I welcome the running around because it was actually spending time with the family. I could care less if I never received another Christmas present because my present is being with my family. In spite of being separated from my loved ones, I had a good day. I ended it with a great conversation with my roommate. What a difference a year makes and I suspect each year will continue to make a profoundly significant difference in my life.
Visit from an Incredible Friend
December 22
I watched the Christmas show put on by a few of my fellow inmates. One inmate dressed as Santa Claus, another dressed as Smokey the Bear and yet another dressed as Sparky the fire Dog. This was all for the children who came to see their fathers during visiting. These characters made a grand entrance arriving on the back of a fire truck with the sirens roaring. Off jumped Santa and the others who came bearing gifts for the children. This is an annual tradition at camp and I thought it was very festive. I believe the children enjoyed Santa and his friends along with the gifts. This will continue tomorrow and Christmas Day as well.
A few minutes after the show, I heard my name announced over the loudspeaker informing me that I had a visit. I was not expecting anyone today nor did I expect one all weekend including Christmas Day.
I entered the dining hall and scanned the tables. I didn’t see anyone I recognized and was told my visitor ran to the car to get the license plate number as is required for all visitors. I wondered who it could be when I saw my roommate who described my surprise visitor to me and I realized who it was. My realization came true as a very dear friend entered the dining hall. I haven’t seen this friend in 17 months and the last time we saw each other was between plexiglass as I sat in the County Jail. I had a big smile on my face as my dear friend walked toward me and we embraced. I cannot say enough about him and how happy I was to see him.
We sat together for two of the quickest hours I have ever experienced in my lifetime. We did a great deal of catching up as it has been way too long. In terms of friends in my life, this person is well near the top of the list. We have known each other only six years, but we have become great friends. I know my fall from grace was very difficult for him. It is hard to picture and experience first-hand seeing a person who you believed wasn’t capable of doing such reprehensible acts. I still remember the look on his face when my wife and I told him all about my misdeeds. It was more of a look of shock as opposed to disappointment. Thankfully, that look was gone today and we had a wonderful time. We had such a good time; he informed me he was coming back on Christmas Day. He even had me make out a list of the food items I would like from Trader Joe’s. I told him this was unnecessary, but he was insistent. I made out a short list and thanked him profusely.
A he was leaving, we embraced and he said he would be back on Christmas. As he left, I thought of how blessed a person I am. I have so many incredible people in my life and they are all blessing to which I am eternally grateful. I have met many people in my life and some I thought were friends; however, over the past three years, I have found the meaning of friends. This incredible person who came to visit today is the essence of the word friend.
I was very excited after the visit was over and told my roommate all about the visit. I then called my wife and recounted the visit. She also understood when she missed my call on her birthday. It appears my daughter was more disappointed than my wife. During our conversation, she told me about an email she received a week ago from a person I know well. This person was just thinking of me and wanted to see how I was doing. As fate would have it, I sent this same person a letter earlier this week to inform him how I was doing. I had no knowledge of the email so I do believe this is not a coincidence – it is more of a connection. Everything does happen for a reason, much like this journey I am on and I have found this very interesting. I do believe as each day passes, I gain more of a connection to the Source which helps to keep me in tune with all things. I also believe my life continues to get better and better.
I watched the Christmas show put on by a few of my fellow inmates. One inmate dressed as Santa Claus, another dressed as Smokey the Bear and yet another dressed as Sparky the fire Dog. This was all for the children who came to see their fathers during visiting. These characters made a grand entrance arriving on the back of a fire truck with the sirens roaring. Off jumped Santa and the others who came bearing gifts for the children. This is an annual tradition at camp and I thought it was very festive. I believe the children enjoyed Santa and his friends along with the gifts. This will continue tomorrow and Christmas Day as well.
A few minutes after the show, I heard my name announced over the loudspeaker informing me that I had a visit. I was not expecting anyone today nor did I expect one all weekend including Christmas Day.
I entered the dining hall and scanned the tables. I didn’t see anyone I recognized and was told my visitor ran to the car to get the license plate number as is required for all visitors. I wondered who it could be when I saw my roommate who described my surprise visitor to me and I realized who it was. My realization came true as a very dear friend entered the dining hall. I haven’t seen this friend in 17 months and the last time we saw each other was between plexiglass as I sat in the County Jail. I had a big smile on my face as my dear friend walked toward me and we embraced. I cannot say enough about him and how happy I was to see him.
We sat together for two of the quickest hours I have ever experienced in my lifetime. We did a great deal of catching up as it has been way too long. In terms of friends in my life, this person is well near the top of the list. We have known each other only six years, but we have become great friends. I know my fall from grace was very difficult for him. It is hard to picture and experience first-hand seeing a person who you believed wasn’t capable of doing such reprehensible acts. I still remember the look on his face when my wife and I told him all about my misdeeds. It was more of a look of shock as opposed to disappointment. Thankfully, that look was gone today and we had a wonderful time. We had such a good time; he informed me he was coming back on Christmas Day. He even had me make out a list of the food items I would like from Trader Joe’s. I told him this was unnecessary, but he was insistent. I made out a short list and thanked him profusely.
A he was leaving, we embraced and he said he would be back on Christmas. As he left, I thought of how blessed a person I am. I have so many incredible people in my life and they are all blessing to which I am eternally grateful. I have met many people in my life and some I thought were friends; however, over the past three years, I have found the meaning of friends. This incredible person who came to visit today is the essence of the word friend.
I was very excited after the visit was over and told my roommate all about the visit. I then called my wife and recounted the visit. She also understood when she missed my call on her birthday. It appears my daughter was more disappointed than my wife. During our conversation, she told me about an email she received a week ago from a person I know well. This person was just thinking of me and wanted to see how I was doing. As fate would have it, I sent this same person a letter earlier this week to inform him how I was doing. I had no knowledge of the email so I do believe this is not a coincidence – it is more of a connection. Everything does happen for a reason, much like this journey I am on and I have found this very interesting. I do believe as each day passes, I gain more of a connection to the Source which helps to keep me in tune with all things. I also believe my life continues to get better and better.
December 19th
Catch Phrase
While my roommate and I were working out, the radio was playing and I think (more precisely we) had an “Ah-Ha” moment. The radio station disc jockey was talking and he said a phrase I say constantly. My roommate looked at me as this was said and I looked at him and just smiled. From this point thoughts came flooding into both of our brains. I can see (very clearly) a tee-shirt and other products with this saying along with a large internet presence. My roommate took these ideas and ran with it. All day yesterday and this morning, he has been saying this phrase. I do believe it is very catchy and this could be the start of something. The only question is whether or not this internet domain registry has already been taken. I hope to have my mother look into this and if it is not I would like to register this domain. The beauty of this is the fact that it is very inexpensive. I have no idea whether anything will come of this but I do believe it is a magnificent idea and I am sure lesser ideas have made it. The very interesting part about this is this all came about so suddenly and the ideas were flowing freely. We are both very excited and who knows?!
Christmas Celebrations
Yesterday was filled with Christmas celebrations. The local church group which comes to camp each Tuesday evening had their Christmas celebration complete with a rockin’ band. I had seen this band once before and they were very good. Half the camp was in attendance and the evening was very festive. I attended with my roommate who went on his own volition. This is a bit remarkable because he is Jewish and really doesn’t celebrate Christmas. However, he enjoys live music and was very interested in seeing the band. The evening was filled with music and also prayer. I say “prayer” in the loosest sense because there was more preaching than prayer. Refreshments were served and and later in the evening each inmate received a goodie bag. In the bag were pens, paper, envelopes, razors, dental floss, toothpaste, soups, candy bars, and other assorted goodies. This was an extremely nice gesture.
Before I go on, I must qualify my religious knowledge or better yet lack of. I have been raised Catholic and still consider myself a non-practicing catholic. Being raised on the East Coast – more precisely NJ – I didn’t have any interaction with Christianity. I have been to a few Christian services since moving to California. In the Catholic religion there is Christianity and maybe I never paid enough attention because I failed to see the integral part that Jesus plays. Now that last statement may make me look and sound like an idiot so please let me hopefully clarify. In Christianity the whole basis is to give one’s life over to Jesus Christ, lord and savior. I really don’t know if this is necessary in Catholicism, but it is in Christianity. Last night the emphasis was on Jesus and being saved. I was moved to observe my fellow inmates envelope that moment. I, on the other hand have a long way to go before I am saved. If in fact, Jesus is coming again to judge, I am in big trouble. I do believe there is something more powerful than me or for that matter anyone and anything. This creator, I believe is in all of us. I don’t believe it is a person, let alone a man who came 2000 years ago, well after the Creator set-up shop. I have no doubt that Jesus was a very powerful person and is much like Muhammad, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Buddha, and other highly spiritual humans. Dr. Wayne Dyer writes about these people as they are in touch with the Source and have affected millions of people. I did get somewhat turned off with the fire and brimstone during the Christmas celebration last night.
I will not judge any person and I will not judge any religion. I do believe if it works then this is wonderful. I have given up my egocentric thoughts to a higher power. I cannot specifically explain this Higher Power, but it does exist in my opinion. I would much rather believe in a Spirit than an individual and this could very well be the same thing. I don’t want to inflict my views on anyone and I prefer to believe everyone is a Spiritual being (from God, if I may) no matter what their religious pervasion or lack of.
Christmas Present
After I received my goodie bag, I was called into the office to pick up a package. It was from Amazon and in it contained Bruce Springsteen’s new CD “Magic”. This was sent by my wife as a Christmas present for me. I was very excited to receive it and I thought of the irony; here it was my wife’s birthday and she had sent me a present. Yes, my wife is wonderful. This is very Bruce Springsteen pre “Born in the USA.” Bruce has gone back to his roots and it is a very moving CD. I doubt any of these songs will get much playtime on the pop radio stations because it is not mainstream “poppy” music. I’m not sure when Bruce last released a CD with the full complement of the E-Street Band, but they haven’t missed a beat.
While my roommate and I were working out, the radio was playing and I think (more precisely we) had an “Ah-Ha” moment. The radio station disc jockey was talking and he said a phrase I say constantly. My roommate looked at me as this was said and I looked at him and just smiled. From this point thoughts came flooding into both of our brains. I can see (very clearly) a tee-shirt and other products with this saying along with a large internet presence. My roommate took these ideas and ran with it. All day yesterday and this morning, he has been saying this phrase. I do believe it is very catchy and this could be the start of something. The only question is whether or not this internet domain registry has already been taken. I hope to have my mother look into this and if it is not I would like to register this domain. The beauty of this is the fact that it is very inexpensive. I have no idea whether anything will come of this but I do believe it is a magnificent idea and I am sure lesser ideas have made it. The very interesting part about this is this all came about so suddenly and the ideas were flowing freely. We are both very excited and who knows?!
Christmas Celebrations
Yesterday was filled with Christmas celebrations. The local church group which comes to camp each Tuesday evening had their Christmas celebration complete with a rockin’ band. I had seen this band once before and they were very good. Half the camp was in attendance and the evening was very festive. I attended with my roommate who went on his own volition. This is a bit remarkable because he is Jewish and really doesn’t celebrate Christmas. However, he enjoys live music and was very interested in seeing the band. The evening was filled with music and also prayer. I say “prayer” in the loosest sense because there was more preaching than prayer. Refreshments were served and and later in the evening each inmate received a goodie bag. In the bag were pens, paper, envelopes, razors, dental floss, toothpaste, soups, candy bars, and other assorted goodies. This was an extremely nice gesture.
Before I go on, I must qualify my religious knowledge or better yet lack of. I have been raised Catholic and still consider myself a non-practicing catholic. Being raised on the East Coast – more precisely NJ – I didn’t have any interaction with Christianity. I have been to a few Christian services since moving to California. In the Catholic religion there is Christianity and maybe I never paid enough attention because I failed to see the integral part that Jesus plays. Now that last statement may make me look and sound like an idiot so please let me hopefully clarify. In Christianity the whole basis is to give one’s life over to Jesus Christ, lord and savior. I really don’t know if this is necessary in Catholicism, but it is in Christianity. Last night the emphasis was on Jesus and being saved. I was moved to observe my fellow inmates envelope that moment. I, on the other hand have a long way to go before I am saved. If in fact, Jesus is coming again to judge, I am in big trouble. I do believe there is something more powerful than me or for that matter anyone and anything. This creator, I believe is in all of us. I don’t believe it is a person, let alone a man who came 2000 years ago, well after the Creator set-up shop. I have no doubt that Jesus was a very powerful person and is much like Muhammad, Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Buddha, and other highly spiritual humans. Dr. Wayne Dyer writes about these people as they are in touch with the Source and have affected millions of people. I did get somewhat turned off with the fire and brimstone during the Christmas celebration last night.
I will not judge any person and I will not judge any religion. I do believe if it works then this is wonderful. I have given up my egocentric thoughts to a higher power. I cannot specifically explain this Higher Power, but it does exist in my opinion. I would much rather believe in a Spirit than an individual and this could very well be the same thing. I don’t want to inflict my views on anyone and I prefer to believe everyone is a Spiritual being (from God, if I may) no matter what their religious pervasion or lack of.
Christmas Present
After I received my goodie bag, I was called into the office to pick up a package. It was from Amazon and in it contained Bruce Springsteen’s new CD “Magic”. This was sent by my wife as a Christmas present for me. I was very excited to receive it and I thought of the irony; here it was my wife’s birthday and she had sent me a present. Yes, my wife is wonderful. This is very Bruce Springsteen pre “Born in the USA.” Bruce has gone back to his roots and it is a very moving CD. I doubt any of these songs will get much playtime on the pop radio stations because it is not mainstream “poppy” music. I’m not sure when Bruce last released a CD with the full complement of the E-Street Band, but they haven’t missed a beat.
December 18th
Happy Birthday to a Very Special Person
Today my wonderful and amazing wife celebrates her birthday. As was the case last year, I will not be with her. God willing (?and the creek doesn’t rise?) this will be the last birthday we will be separated. My wife is such a very special person and I love her so very much. I have known her for over 25 years. Wow! That is a very significant portion of our lives. We met over 25 years ago on a quasi-blind date. I say quasi because my wife knew who I was but I didn’t really know her. The more I remember our very first date the more I am fairly certain I did know her before then. Reaching back into my memory bank, I do recall seeing my wife’s face inside of school. Strangely, I can still clearly remember her beautiful face. Now what could be considered a lifetime, I still have her gorgeous face etched into my mind. We have been separated for the past 17 months. Over that period of time we have only been with each other twice. I miss her tremendously. I have a little over two months remaining before my release. My wonderful wife is planning to pick me up on my release date. Then she will return to NJ as the children finish up the school year. In my ideal world I would want them to rejoin me when school is completed in June. My wife is unsure as to whether she will rejoin me or remain in NJ – thus postponing our reuniting until I complete parole.
I am currently mandated to remain in California while I serve Parole so the earliest I can rejoin my family in NJ would be March of 2009. Throughout this process, I have learned and continue to learn so many things. One of these is the fact that time does go by quickly and it is what I do with that time which counts. Once again ideally being with my wife and children is my number one priority. Unfortunately, I don’t have the option to join them in NJ when I am released. My wife has the option whether or not to rejoin me while I am on parole. I would rather not bounce the children across the country and I do believe they need consistency. If my wife makes the decision to remain in NJ while I serve parole then I will have to wait to be with them. My incredible wife has been by my side ever since I broke the awful news to her almost three years ago. There are two things my wife said that stand out in my mind. The first thing was when I told her “We will get through this together.” The second thing was on the day of sentencing, “I will wait for you.” We are getting through this and a new beginning awaits very shortly. For all intents and purposes, my wife is waiting and due to my parole conditions she may have to wait a little longer.
I guess saying that my wife and I have been through a lot could be construed as an understatement. I am doing everything in my power to ensure something remotely close to this horrible incident ever happens again. I have finally found peace of mind and can’t wait to share it with my wife. My thoughts are constantly with her and today – being her birthday – I have thought about her every minute.
I was hoping to speak with my wife today and wish her a happy birthday. I know her sentiment is that today is just another day. It is not just another day because if this day didn’t exist I would have never met my wife and my life would be empty. I tried unsuccessfully to utilize the Bail Bonds Company for the telephone call so I did place the very expensive collect call to my wife. As I called, my daughter answered and she was able to get through the machinations to connect the telephone call. I always love hearing my daughter’s voice and I swear she is wise beyond her nine years. She informed me that my wife wasn’t at home but should be home shortly. I talked at length to both my children. These are wonderful children and my wife continues to do a magnificent job raising them. My son also matures with each telephone call. As we continued to talk it became apparent that my wife wouldn’t make it home in time. My daughter was very anxious for my wife to come home as she kept peeking out the front window. I didn’t want to call back due to the expense so I told my daughter to wish my wife a happy birthday and to give her a big hug and a kiss for me. I am sure my daughter relayed this message. I didn’t have the opportunity to speak with my wife today so Happy Birthday! I love you so very much! Whatever is the case next year, I do know I will at the very least speak with my wife. The days of very expensive collect calls and being able to call on specifically designated time slots will be behind us.
My wife is special in everyway imaginable. I have missed so much in the past 17 months. I can never get this time back. I cannot dwell on the lost time and lost special days. All I can do is concentrate on today and today is a very significant day in my life. The person who is beyond special to me was born today some X number of years ago and I am forever grateful. My wife has always been a blessing and continues to be a blessing in my life and I love her with all my heart. When I proposed to my wife, I didn’t merely ask her to marry me, I asked her to spend the rest of my life with me. That was over 16 years ago and nothing has changed. Sure we have been physically separated throughout this journey, but I still feel connected to her and will always feel connected – no matter how many miles separate us.
Happy Birthday, Sweetie~ I love you!
Today my wonderful and amazing wife celebrates her birthday. As was the case last year, I will not be with her. God willing (?and the creek doesn’t rise?) this will be the last birthday we will be separated. My wife is such a very special person and I love her so very much. I have known her for over 25 years. Wow! That is a very significant portion of our lives. We met over 25 years ago on a quasi-blind date. I say quasi because my wife knew who I was but I didn’t really know her. The more I remember our very first date the more I am fairly certain I did know her before then. Reaching back into my memory bank, I do recall seeing my wife’s face inside of school. Strangely, I can still clearly remember her beautiful face. Now what could be considered a lifetime, I still have her gorgeous face etched into my mind. We have been separated for the past 17 months. Over that period of time we have only been with each other twice. I miss her tremendously. I have a little over two months remaining before my release. My wonderful wife is planning to pick me up on my release date. Then she will return to NJ as the children finish up the school year. In my ideal world I would want them to rejoin me when school is completed in June. My wife is unsure as to whether she will rejoin me or remain in NJ – thus postponing our reuniting until I complete parole.
I am currently mandated to remain in California while I serve Parole so the earliest I can rejoin my family in NJ would be March of 2009. Throughout this process, I have learned and continue to learn so many things. One of these is the fact that time does go by quickly and it is what I do with that time which counts. Once again ideally being with my wife and children is my number one priority. Unfortunately, I don’t have the option to join them in NJ when I am released. My wife has the option whether or not to rejoin me while I am on parole. I would rather not bounce the children across the country and I do believe they need consistency. If my wife makes the decision to remain in NJ while I serve parole then I will have to wait to be with them. My incredible wife has been by my side ever since I broke the awful news to her almost three years ago. There are two things my wife said that stand out in my mind. The first thing was when I told her “We will get through this together.” The second thing was on the day of sentencing, “I will wait for you.” We are getting through this and a new beginning awaits very shortly. For all intents and purposes, my wife is waiting and due to my parole conditions she may have to wait a little longer.
I guess saying that my wife and I have been through a lot could be construed as an understatement. I am doing everything in my power to ensure something remotely close to this horrible incident ever happens again. I have finally found peace of mind and can’t wait to share it with my wife. My thoughts are constantly with her and today – being her birthday – I have thought about her every minute.
I was hoping to speak with my wife today and wish her a happy birthday. I know her sentiment is that today is just another day. It is not just another day because if this day didn’t exist I would have never met my wife and my life would be empty. I tried unsuccessfully to utilize the Bail Bonds Company for the telephone call so I did place the very expensive collect call to my wife. As I called, my daughter answered and she was able to get through the machinations to connect the telephone call. I always love hearing my daughter’s voice and I swear she is wise beyond her nine years. She informed me that my wife wasn’t at home but should be home shortly. I talked at length to both my children. These are wonderful children and my wife continues to do a magnificent job raising them. My son also matures with each telephone call. As we continued to talk it became apparent that my wife wouldn’t make it home in time. My daughter was very anxious for my wife to come home as she kept peeking out the front window. I didn’t want to call back due to the expense so I told my daughter to wish my wife a happy birthday and to give her a big hug and a kiss for me. I am sure my daughter relayed this message. I didn’t have the opportunity to speak with my wife today so Happy Birthday! I love you so very much! Whatever is the case next year, I do know I will at the very least speak with my wife. The days of very expensive collect calls and being able to call on specifically designated time slots will be behind us.
My wife is special in everyway imaginable. I have missed so much in the past 17 months. I can never get this time back. I cannot dwell on the lost time and lost special days. All I can do is concentrate on today and today is a very significant day in my life. The person who is beyond special to me was born today some X number of years ago and I am forever grateful. My wife has always been a blessing and continues to be a blessing in my life and I love her with all my heart. When I proposed to my wife, I didn’t merely ask her to marry me, I asked her to spend the rest of my life with me. That was over 16 years ago and nothing has changed. Sure we have been physically separated throughout this journey, but I still feel connected to her and will always feel connected – no matter how many miles separate us.
Happy Birthday, Sweetie~ I love you!
December 17th
Two Visits in One Day
During the visit with my friends from GA yesterday morning, they informed me that another deal friend would possible be visiting me in the afternoon. After the morning visit, I remained dressed in my visiting clothes. These are the same standard issue clothing but they are the nicest pants and shirt I have. I may have dressed to warm for the morning visit as I wore thermal underwear under my clothing. I just wanted to be warm and I was along with bringing my coat. I did remain in all of these clothes as I waited patiently for the second visit. My name was announced and I made my way down to the visiting area. Yes, I was able to receive two visits in one day!
I was greeted by my very good friend. Unfortunately, it took almost an hour before I was notified of his visit. I could only apologized for this and regrettably I had nothing to do with this miscommunication. I felt so bad for him waiting all that time. Fortunately, my friend has a very good nature and we immediately shared some laughs. The visit was wonderful and this is the friend who has offered me a guestroom for as long as I need when I am released. Now that I must remain in California, it is good to know I have a place to stay. We talked for the hour we had available and also laughed most to the time as well. This was a very good visit and I have been blessed with wonderful friends.
After the second visit of the day, I returned to my room then I made my way over to the telephones. I would have liked to call my wife, but I need to keep the very expensive collect calls to a minimum. Instead of calling there, I called my sister. I spoke with my terrific sister and I also got to speak with my mother who is visiting. It was great to hear my sister’s voice and as always good to talk with my mother. We covered a wide range of subjects but mostly about my future. There weren’t any conclusions – just conjecture. There is much speculation whether or not my wife will rejoin me when the children finish school next June. I don’t know what is going to happen, but I trust whatever it is will be for the best.
During the visit with my friends from GA yesterday morning, they informed me that another deal friend would possible be visiting me in the afternoon. After the morning visit, I remained dressed in my visiting clothes. These are the same standard issue clothing but they are the nicest pants and shirt I have. I may have dressed to warm for the morning visit as I wore thermal underwear under my clothing. I just wanted to be warm and I was along with bringing my coat. I did remain in all of these clothes as I waited patiently for the second visit. My name was announced and I made my way down to the visiting area. Yes, I was able to receive two visits in one day!
I was greeted by my very good friend. Unfortunately, it took almost an hour before I was notified of his visit. I could only apologized for this and regrettably I had nothing to do with this miscommunication. I felt so bad for him waiting all that time. Fortunately, my friend has a very good nature and we immediately shared some laughs. The visit was wonderful and this is the friend who has offered me a guestroom for as long as I need when I am released. Now that I must remain in California, it is good to know I have a place to stay. We talked for the hour we had available and also laughed most to the time as well. This was a very good visit and I have been blessed with wonderful friends.
After the second visit of the day, I returned to my room then I made my way over to the telephones. I would have liked to call my wife, but I need to keep the very expensive collect calls to a minimum. Instead of calling there, I called my sister. I spoke with my terrific sister and I also got to speak with my mother who is visiting. It was great to hear my sister’s voice and as always good to talk with my mother. We covered a wide range of subjects but mostly about my future. There weren’t any conclusions – just conjecture. There is much speculation whether or not my wife will rejoin me when the children finish school next June. I don’t know what is going to happen, but I trust whatever it is will be for the best.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Thought Provoking
December 21
I read two pieces of information yesterday which were very thought provoking to me. The first was a letter from my dear sponsor and the dialogue was regarding ego and how it is a detriment and a character flaw. As I read this letter, I thought to myself how my ego side tracked me. I have never been overtly egotistical. In fact, I have done my best all my life to be soft-spoken and just a nice person. My parents instilled in me to treat people how I would like and expect to be treated. With these things instilled then how did I end up in prison? The simple answer is my compulsive gambling addiction. I let this take hold of my life and it was as if I were a passenger on a train. The train would be my mind which just took off and I was incapable of stopping it. Thankfully, the train got derailed and I have found an incredible system of recovery through GA.
The more complex answer is derived from the “why”. Why did my compulsive gambling addiction take hold of my life and where did this come from? This ties into the second piece which was an article in Men’s Health about male depression. I found this article fascinating because it linked exercise obsession to depression in men. I have never considered myself as a depressed person even at the early stages of this journey. However, I can see some similarities in myself to those who masked their depression with excessive exercise. I do know that my obsessive exercising during this dark period did mask/medicate what was going on. I never faced up to the fact that I was and still am a compulsive gambler. I justified all my actions which was my ego talking. Heck, I was a nice guy so I could continue to lie, cheat, and steal. I may not have been overtly egotistical, but I had a big ego in a very quiet manner.
I found one statistic in the article startling. Each year in the US some 31,000 people commit suicide and 24,000 of them are men. This appears to be a staggering statistic and as the article mentions depression is usually linked to females. Yet looking at this huge percentage, I would surmise many of these suicides were linked to depression. The key, according to the article, is addressing the issue. Denial is very powerful and I can say this from firsthand experience. I denied for so many years and it lead me here. However, gratefully I am finally in a great place – mentally, physically. And spiritually – all thanks to recovery.
I need to always be mindful of where I have come from and to never outsmart myself. My compulsive gambling addiction was left to fester and fester it did. I denied and I am here. Now through recovery, I fully admit I am a compulsive gambler, but happily I am in recovery. I may have had a slight depression issue along with the compulsive gambling addiction which was a terrible combination. I am extremely happy and now that train is headed toward a bright shining light – thank God.
I read two pieces of information yesterday which were very thought provoking to me. The first was a letter from my dear sponsor and the dialogue was regarding ego and how it is a detriment and a character flaw. As I read this letter, I thought to myself how my ego side tracked me. I have never been overtly egotistical. In fact, I have done my best all my life to be soft-spoken and just a nice person. My parents instilled in me to treat people how I would like and expect to be treated. With these things instilled then how did I end up in prison? The simple answer is my compulsive gambling addiction. I let this take hold of my life and it was as if I were a passenger on a train. The train would be my mind which just took off and I was incapable of stopping it. Thankfully, the train got derailed and I have found an incredible system of recovery through GA.
The more complex answer is derived from the “why”. Why did my compulsive gambling addiction take hold of my life and where did this come from? This ties into the second piece which was an article in Men’s Health about male depression. I found this article fascinating because it linked exercise obsession to depression in men. I have never considered myself as a depressed person even at the early stages of this journey. However, I can see some similarities in myself to those who masked their depression with excessive exercise. I do know that my obsessive exercising during this dark period did mask/medicate what was going on. I never faced up to the fact that I was and still am a compulsive gambler. I justified all my actions which was my ego talking. Heck, I was a nice guy so I could continue to lie, cheat, and steal. I may not have been overtly egotistical, but I had a big ego in a very quiet manner.
I found one statistic in the article startling. Each year in the US some 31,000 people commit suicide and 24,000 of them are men. This appears to be a staggering statistic and as the article mentions depression is usually linked to females. Yet looking at this huge percentage, I would surmise many of these suicides were linked to depression. The key, according to the article, is addressing the issue. Denial is very powerful and I can say this from firsthand experience. I denied for so many years and it lead me here. However, gratefully I am finally in a great place – mentally, physically. And spiritually – all thanks to recovery.
I need to always be mindful of where I have come from and to never outsmart myself. My compulsive gambling addiction was left to fester and fester it did. I denied and I am here. Now through recovery, I fully admit I am a compulsive gambler, but happily I am in recovery. I may have had a slight depression issue along with the compulsive gambling addiction which was a terrible combination. I am extremely happy and now that train is headed toward a bright shining light – thank God.
Pre-Christmas
Yesterday afternoon I started to write and when I was finished, I had technically written away the day. I continue to be amazed as to how much of my day is devoted to writing. However, I do need to devote more time to writing parts of my “book.” In fact, I need to rewrite the outline I had started. It’s very rough and needs work. I remember reading that James Patterson writes 30 pages of the outline before writing every book. Currently my outline is one page (at least it is a legal size page!) It was a good start, but I need more detail. I doubt very much I will ever have this much time to devote to writing and for that matter anything else. I have detailed my typical day and writing fills up my afternoon.
This Christmas season, I am now receiving Christmas cards. I am not allowed to display these because I have received more than one. Yes, we are allowed to display two cards at a time. At this point I have gotten five and even though these are Christmas cards, I respond to these as well. One of the guys who have just been paroled left behind very nice winter themed stationary and I have been using this to respond to people. A fellow inmate saw me walking to the mailbox carrying several letters and knows my proclivity towards writing. He said, I bet you won’t write another letter when you get released!” I laughed and thought about it and I know I will write more when I am released. I can’t wait to type and I am sure everyone who receives my “doctor’s writing” can’t wait for me to type. My handwriting is a cross between a nine year olds and a doctor. Sometimes when I go back to reread what I wrote I have a hard time deciphering some words. I really feel for my mother and dear friend who transcribe my chicken scratch. I am fairly certain my 6 year old has better penmanship than I do! I do look forward to writing e-mails and somewhere along the way that “book” will get written so that will provide more therapy.
This Christmas season, I am now receiving Christmas cards. I am not allowed to display these because I have received more than one. Yes, we are allowed to display two cards at a time. At this point I have gotten five and even though these are Christmas cards, I respond to these as well. One of the guys who have just been paroled left behind very nice winter themed stationary and I have been using this to respond to people. A fellow inmate saw me walking to the mailbox carrying several letters and knows my proclivity towards writing. He said, I bet you won’t write another letter when you get released!” I laughed and thought about it and I know I will write more when I am released. I can’t wait to type and I am sure everyone who receives my “doctor’s writing” can’t wait for me to type. My handwriting is a cross between a nine year olds and a doctor. Sometimes when I go back to reread what I wrote I have a hard time deciphering some words. I really feel for my mother and dear friend who transcribe my chicken scratch. I am fairly certain my 6 year old has better penmanship than I do! I do look forward to writing e-mails and somewhere along the way that “book” will get written so that will provide more therapy.
Not So Good Telephone Conversation
December 16
I called my wife yesterday afternoon and it wasn’t such a good conversation. She informed me she was laid off from her job this past week. Getting laid off from any job is always unsettling. Couple in the fact my wife really enjoyed her job and this being the holiday season along with the fact that my wife really needs the money makes the timing of this all the more terrible. She was rather upset at the layoff and she had good reason. She worked with another person and her employer could only afford one salary. My wife’s employer decided to let my wife go in spite of the fact that she was hired prior to the other person and my wife performed her duties very well. She confronted her employer and was told that the reason why she was let go was due to the fact that she would be moving very soon. This was news to my wife as she never mentioned moving to her employer and told him that he was misinformed. However, this didn’t change the fact of the lay off, but in my opinion my wife did the right thing by going back and confronting her employer.
As my wife was telling me this, I wasn’t exactly compassionate or empathetic. She was riled up while recounting the week’s bad news and I applied practical thinking instead of being compassionate. As the unsympathetic words came out of my mouth I realized I wasn’t saying the right things but continued down my analytical path. I was wrong using this tactic; however, I didn’t have a chance to apologize as we were disconnected after I spoke with the children. Afterward I replayed the conversation and realized why I wasn’t compassionate. As my wife recounted the story, I was reading way too much into what she was saying. My mind jumped into the fact that she was setting down roots in NJ and won’t be joining me when the children finish school in June. My wife does have a decision to make as to whether or not to rejoin me in six months. I got the impression she wanted to remain in NJ. Once again my thought process was wrong and I talk a lot about letting go but I have much more work to do in this area. I have no control over what will happen in the future and if my wife chooses to stay in NJ while I serve my parole in California then so be it. Quite frankly being separated from my family any longer frightens me immensely. I want to be with then on a full time basis as soon as possible and the only way for this to happen is to have my wife decide to come back out here next June. I have to stop obsessing over this because I am driving myself crazy. There is a plan in place and that Plan has worked out for the very best so far. I do believe it will continue to and if I am separated from them for another 13 months while I serve parole this is the way it will be.
My reactions to my wife were not good. I tried to telephone her back but I couldn’t reach her. I don’t want to burden her with another collect call so I wrote her a letter of apology. I love her so much and I need to be there for her as she has been there for me during this journey. I need to be more in tune with my wife’s needs. Yesterday she didn’t need analytical advice, she needed a sympathetic ear. I failed on this count because I am afraid of losing her. It is interesting how that fear can manifest itself into dispassion. Fear is a character defect and by truly letting go the fear will vanish and with it the compassion will return. At the very minimum, I realized what I was doing which is a small step in the right direction and now I have to stop being selfish. I wronged my wife and children by upsetting their lives. This part of the journey is coming to an end,; however, a new part will start in 2 ½ months. I do know my life continues to get better all thanks to recovery. I have so much to learn and I look forward to learning one small step at a time.
I called my wife yesterday afternoon and it wasn’t such a good conversation. She informed me she was laid off from her job this past week. Getting laid off from any job is always unsettling. Couple in the fact my wife really enjoyed her job and this being the holiday season along with the fact that my wife really needs the money makes the timing of this all the more terrible. She was rather upset at the layoff and she had good reason. She worked with another person and her employer could only afford one salary. My wife’s employer decided to let my wife go in spite of the fact that she was hired prior to the other person and my wife performed her duties very well. She confronted her employer and was told that the reason why she was let go was due to the fact that she would be moving very soon. This was news to my wife as she never mentioned moving to her employer and told him that he was misinformed. However, this didn’t change the fact of the lay off, but in my opinion my wife did the right thing by going back and confronting her employer.
As my wife was telling me this, I wasn’t exactly compassionate or empathetic. She was riled up while recounting the week’s bad news and I applied practical thinking instead of being compassionate. As the unsympathetic words came out of my mouth I realized I wasn’t saying the right things but continued down my analytical path. I was wrong using this tactic; however, I didn’t have a chance to apologize as we were disconnected after I spoke with the children. Afterward I replayed the conversation and realized why I wasn’t compassionate. As my wife recounted the story, I was reading way too much into what she was saying. My mind jumped into the fact that she was setting down roots in NJ and won’t be joining me when the children finish school in June. My wife does have a decision to make as to whether or not to rejoin me in six months. I got the impression she wanted to remain in NJ. Once again my thought process was wrong and I talk a lot about letting go but I have much more work to do in this area. I have no control over what will happen in the future and if my wife chooses to stay in NJ while I serve my parole in California then so be it. Quite frankly being separated from my family any longer frightens me immensely. I want to be with then on a full time basis as soon as possible and the only way for this to happen is to have my wife decide to come back out here next June. I have to stop obsessing over this because I am driving myself crazy. There is a plan in place and that Plan has worked out for the very best so far. I do believe it will continue to and if I am separated from them for another 13 months while I serve parole this is the way it will be.
My reactions to my wife were not good. I tried to telephone her back but I couldn’t reach her. I don’t want to burden her with another collect call so I wrote her a letter of apology. I love her so much and I need to be there for her as she has been there for me during this journey. I need to be more in tune with my wife’s needs. Yesterday she didn’t need analytical advice, she needed a sympathetic ear. I failed on this count because I am afraid of losing her. It is interesting how that fear can manifest itself into dispassion. Fear is a character defect and by truly letting go the fear will vanish and with it the compassion will return. At the very minimum, I realized what I was doing which is a small step in the right direction and now I have to stop being selfish. I wronged my wife and children by upsetting their lives. This part of the journey is coming to an end,; however, a new part will start in 2 ½ months. I do know my life continues to get better all thanks to recovery. I have so much to learn and I look forward to learning one small step at a time.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Yes, It is Prison
There seemed to be more than usual commotion on the campgrounds yesterday. This normally causes rumors to run rampart throughout the camp. I do my best to keep to myself, but sometimes I can’t seem to help myself from eavesdropping. I listened to all the speculation and did get a good laugh. One of those speculations hit the nail on the head (so to speak). All of the commotion was due to a discovery of pruno. I thought the pruno days ended at Jamestown, but apparently a few of my fellow inmates carried the tradition here. I really don’t understand why someone would drink something that has been strained through a pair of underwear. But I do understand addiction as I went to great lengths to satisfy my addiction. Thank God those days are over for me and the insanity has stopped. I guess the insanity continues with a few of the other inmates who made this pruno. Yes, this is still prison even without the gates, locks, fences and walls. This being prison some of the inmates will go to great lengths to get their “fix”. Well, this little transgression has caused a chain reaction throughout the camp. We are no longer allowed to take fruit out of the dining hall. This is reminiscent of Jamestown when the “Fruit Nazi” would guard the exit.
I enjoyed not having to encounter the “Fruit Nazi” and not feeling guilty if I took a piece of fruit out of the dining hall. I strongly doubt the “Fruit Nazi” will reappear, however, the consequences of having a piece of fruit outside of the dining hall are very dire which is why my fruit intake will diminish in the next 2 ½ months. I won’t have other then inside the dining hall. My roommate is also someone who abides by these directives and removed the three oranges from his locker moments after the memo was posted. Yes, a small few ruin it for everyone but in 2 ½ months, I can have all the fruit I want. This is yet another one of those “small things” and I have yet to sweat the small stuff, and I won’t start now.
The incident was over but the talk remained. My roommate and I had another one of our lively evenings. We finally did something out of the normal as we played ping-pong after dinner. We had a round robin tournament and I lost the only game that I played. It was back to the room where the usual ensued – hot chocolate, talking, laughing, and reading. It seems the evenings are the same for the next 11 weeks. My time is drawing nearer and I do enjoy the time I spend with my roommate.
There were some events early this morning as two inmates were “rolled up” – removed – most likely for failing a drug test. The “roll-ups” have been quiet for a few months so the camp seemed due. I had a bad thought enter my mind when I was taking my drug test last week. I’m not exactly enamored with the organization of the prison system and briefly thought what if my drug test gets mislabeled or misread with someone who tests positive. Thankfully, this was a brief thought because if I dwell on it - the “what-ifs” would make me crazy. The commotion for the second day settled down and I was off to clean the bathrooms. My game playing continues as I altered my normal cleaning routine this morning. The very subtle change of pace help immensely. I took my time cleaning and before I realized the morning had flown by. It was time for lunch and I went into the television room to watch CNN. I thought I was going to get the day’s news, but CNN was airing a Republican debate from Iowa. I was interested in the debate since I haven’t seen any candidates speak. My friend who is an ardent Democrat took one look at the television and said, “I can’t watch this,” and walked out. I can’t say if anyone candidate impressed me as the debate was just concluding. I can say Romney looked a little too polished and reminded me of the movie “Manchurian Candidate”. I was happy to view the debate even though it wasn’t much and I spent the rest of the afternoon sitting outside writing and reading.
I enjoyed not having to encounter the “Fruit Nazi” and not feeling guilty if I took a piece of fruit out of the dining hall. I strongly doubt the “Fruit Nazi” will reappear, however, the consequences of having a piece of fruit outside of the dining hall are very dire which is why my fruit intake will diminish in the next 2 ½ months. I won’t have other then inside the dining hall. My roommate is also someone who abides by these directives and removed the three oranges from his locker moments after the memo was posted. Yes, a small few ruin it for everyone but in 2 ½ months, I can have all the fruit I want. This is yet another one of those “small things” and I have yet to sweat the small stuff, and I won’t start now.
The incident was over but the talk remained. My roommate and I had another one of our lively evenings. We finally did something out of the normal as we played ping-pong after dinner. We had a round robin tournament and I lost the only game that I played. It was back to the room where the usual ensued – hot chocolate, talking, laughing, and reading. It seems the evenings are the same for the next 11 weeks. My time is drawing nearer and I do enjoy the time I spend with my roommate.
There were some events early this morning as two inmates were “rolled up” – removed – most likely for failing a drug test. The “roll-ups” have been quiet for a few months so the camp seemed due. I had a bad thought enter my mind when I was taking my drug test last week. I’m not exactly enamored with the organization of the prison system and briefly thought what if my drug test gets mislabeled or misread with someone who tests positive. Thankfully, this was a brief thought because if I dwell on it - the “what-ifs” would make me crazy. The commotion for the second day settled down and I was off to clean the bathrooms. My game playing continues as I altered my normal cleaning routine this morning. The very subtle change of pace help immensely. I took my time cleaning and before I realized the morning had flown by. It was time for lunch and I went into the television room to watch CNN. I thought I was going to get the day’s news, but CNN was airing a Republican debate from Iowa. I was interested in the debate since I haven’t seen any candidates speak. My friend who is an ardent Democrat took one look at the television and said, “I can’t watch this,” and walked out. I can’t say if anyone candidate impressed me as the debate was just concluding. I can say Romney looked a little too polished and reminded me of the movie “Manchurian Candidate”. I was happy to view the debate even though it wasn’t much and I spent the rest of the afternoon sitting outside writing and reading.
December (con't)
Scrabble
If there is anyone who ever wondered what a prisoner does on a Saturday evening, I can answer only for myself. This prisoner played Scrabble with two friends. Yes, the Scrabble game was taken out and the three of us played. I have gone from not ever playing Scrabble one month ago to having played it three times in the past week. I was better last night and instead of my woeful performance the last time I played, I finished a mere 9 points behind the winner. The word zee (yes it is actually a word which means the letter z – not much of a definition, but it did appear in the dictionary-along with the word - quiz - did me in. I had a lead up until these words appeared on consecutive plays. I had a very good time playing with my two friends and now I can say I am a big fan of Scrabble. Playing the board game was a good change of pace from staying in my room all night long. We played the game in the library because it was much too cold outside. In a month, we will be able to play in one our rooms when my one friend moves over to out dorm. One of the camp’s rules prohibits any person from going into a dorm where they do not reside. I do believe this is a good rule because it keeps the traffic through the dorms at a minimum.
My Life Equals Love
After breakfast, visiting time arrived and my name was announced. I added extra layers due to the cold thinking visiting would be outside. As it turned out, I didn’t need the extra layers because visiting was held inside due to the extreme cold. I walked toward the dining hall and saw a very dear friend who is not usually part of the GA meeting/visit.
The meeting did not take place but my two very dear friends came instead. These are the two amazing people who have visited me the most – not only here but also at Jamestown. It was almost one year ago when these two dear friends came to visit me in Jamestown and once again they were here today. I am always happy to see them because I love them dearly. I came to the conclusion today that life equals love. I am surrounded with love and these two dear friends are a huge part of that love. I have gone on and on about them in the past and I am continually amazed as to what wonderful people they are to me. Yes, there is so much love and once again they made my day. We hugged, kissed, laughed, talked, and ate for three very fast hours. The venue (being in the dining hall) may have changed but the visit was great as usual. I can’t say enough about these two fabulous people and I now know what friendship means. We have become close friends and they bring so much joy to my life. Wow, three years ago I didn’t even know them and now they are two of my closest friends. My life is extraordinary and the people in my life are marvelous!
If there is anyone who ever wondered what a prisoner does on a Saturday evening, I can answer only for myself. This prisoner played Scrabble with two friends. Yes, the Scrabble game was taken out and the three of us played. I have gone from not ever playing Scrabble one month ago to having played it three times in the past week. I was better last night and instead of my woeful performance the last time I played, I finished a mere 9 points behind the winner. The word zee (yes it is actually a word which means the letter z – not much of a definition, but it did appear in the dictionary-along with the word - quiz - did me in. I had a lead up until these words appeared on consecutive plays. I had a very good time playing with my two friends and now I can say I am a big fan of Scrabble. Playing the board game was a good change of pace from staying in my room all night long. We played the game in the library because it was much too cold outside. In a month, we will be able to play in one our rooms when my one friend moves over to out dorm. One of the camp’s rules prohibits any person from going into a dorm where they do not reside. I do believe this is a good rule because it keeps the traffic through the dorms at a minimum.
My Life Equals Love
After breakfast, visiting time arrived and my name was announced. I added extra layers due to the cold thinking visiting would be outside. As it turned out, I didn’t need the extra layers because visiting was held inside due to the extreme cold. I walked toward the dining hall and saw a very dear friend who is not usually part of the GA meeting/visit.
The meeting did not take place but my two very dear friends came instead. These are the two amazing people who have visited me the most – not only here but also at Jamestown. It was almost one year ago when these two dear friends came to visit me in Jamestown and once again they were here today. I am always happy to see them because I love them dearly. I came to the conclusion today that life equals love. I am surrounded with love and these two dear friends are a huge part of that love. I have gone on and on about them in the past and I am continually amazed as to what wonderful people they are to me. Yes, there is so much love and once again they made my day. We hugged, kissed, laughed, talked, and ate for three very fast hours. The venue (being in the dining hall) may have changed but the visit was great as usual. I can’t say enough about these two fabulous people and I now know what friendship means. We have become close friends and they bring so much joy to my life. Wow, three years ago I didn’t even know them and now they are two of my closest friends. My life is extraordinary and the people in my life are marvelous!
Thursday, December 20, 2007
December 2007
Evil Knievel
I was reading an article in Newsweek about the death of Evil Knievel. When I was a kid, I was a big fan of his. The article talked about his big jump over the Snake River Canyon in the Skycycle. The article made a mistake because the author stated that this event was shown on Wide World of Sports. It may have been shown but that was after the fact. The live event was only available on closed circuit television. This was well before the advent of cable television and pay per view. I remember going to a nearby town with my mother as a nine year old to watch him attempt to jump the Canyon. It was just myself and my mother and it is hard to believe that was 33 years ago. I do remember the jump very well and it wasn’t successful. The parachute on the Skycycle engaged too quickly which caused Evil to crash into the canyon. Amazingly, he walked away from the incident. I also remember having the Evil Knievel action figure with the miniature motorcycle. I would jump over other toys in our living room. As fate would have it, Mr. Knievel died of “Natural causes” at the age of 69.
I guess my mother was an Evil Knievel fan because she was the only member of my family to go to the showing. Even back then I had such a strong bond with my mother and now through so much adversity, this bond has ever gotten stronger. As I read the article, I do remember Evil Knievel quite well but what resonated with me was my mother. Yes, mom might have liked him because all my memories have my mother watching the crazy events. I most certainly do have a very special mother but I have known this all my life.
My Wife
Here it is one week removed from the arrival of my wife for our family visit. One week already and today was very much like last Friday as a rainstorm moved through. The only difference was I wasn’t waiting for my wife to arrive. I realize I have said this time and time again, but it does bear repeating; time moves so quickly. The environment I am currently in and have been in for almost the past 17 months is like a pod. I have limited distractions and I am well aware of time. I am somewhat isolated from the outside world and am certainly isolated from the world I once knew. This is not a negative, it is my current reality. Thankfully, through recovery, I have been able to accept my current environment and do continue to learn as each day passes. I continue time goes by no matter what. Time is constant – yet it is forever moving. I could stand on my head for the next 12 weeks and that time will go by no matter what. I doubt very much that I will do that because quite frankly I’m not sure if I could stand on my head for 12 seconds, let alone 12 weeks! One week ago I was with my wife and we had a wonderful weekend. It was very special and what could have been a horrible time over these past 17 months has turned out very well. The blessings in my life are boundless.
Staring at the Rain
I sat on my bed staring out at the rain through the window. The past two days have been cold and raining. This makes sense even by Southern California standards since it is December. This area most certainly needs the rain since drought conditions have been prevalent for the past 18 months. I have a wonderful view of the hill from my room and earlier this morning, I just stared out the window watching nature do its thing. This is such a peaceful exercise. I sat there until someone came into my room and said, “Stop zoning out.” I was thinking about my children and how they enjoy the rain. They have been raised in areas where rain is a rarity and I remember being with them when they would go outside and “puddle stomp!” They would run from puddle to puddle splashing away having a wonderful time. This was so simple and I can still see the joy on their faces. It is funny because I know my wife and I have spent so much money on toys for the kids at Christmas and their birthdays, yet puddle stomping seemed much more fun than any of those games.
The Tao
This brings up a point regarding my daily reading in “Living the Wisdom of the Tao”. I have started reading it over again and today’s passage was very inspiring. “Let go of your identification with your stuff and with your accomplishments.” Try instead to enjoy what you do and all that flows into your life simply for the pleasure of doing and observing the flow itself. You literally own nothing and no one; all that is will decompose, all that is yours will leave and become someone elses. So step back a bit and allow yourself to be an observer of this world form. Becoming a detached witness will put you in a state of bliss, while loosening your tight grip on all of your possessions. It is in this releasing process that you’ll gain the freedom to live out what the Tao is always teaching by example. This is such a powerful piece and it ties into my children’s puddle stomping. Children are in a constant state of bliss because this is exactly what everyone is born with. Unfortunately, over the course of time this state of bliss diminishes. Does it have to diminish? I think not because in my own view these silly material possessions screw up this state of bliss. I know for myself there was never enough and I was wanting more. When in reality, there is more than enough and all I ever wanted was right in front of me. I didn’t have to do what I did, but my ego would not be satisfied. This lack of satisfaction (or if I may – lack of bliss) had me searching for something I already had. At my birth I was born in a blissful state like any other child. I lost this bliss to no fault of anyone but my own ego. Now that I have lost all those material possessions, I have gained so much.
“Take pleasure from what you possess without being attached to these things.” I don’t need a Mercedes, 5 bedroom home with a swimming pool or a huge entertainment center to be happy. I have everything I need right now at this very moment. However, amazingly - mentally and spiritually I am in the best place I have ever been in my life. There is possibility I won’t rejoin my family until 13 months after I am released. This is not a pleasant thought for me. However, it will workout for the very best and I will maintain my state of bliss no matter what happens. The wanting more did not turn out so well and now I am very happy with what I have which is a state of bliss.
I was reading an article in Newsweek about the death of Evil Knievel. When I was a kid, I was a big fan of his. The article talked about his big jump over the Snake River Canyon in the Skycycle. The article made a mistake because the author stated that this event was shown on Wide World of Sports. It may have been shown but that was after the fact. The live event was only available on closed circuit television. This was well before the advent of cable television and pay per view. I remember going to a nearby town with my mother as a nine year old to watch him attempt to jump the Canyon. It was just myself and my mother and it is hard to believe that was 33 years ago. I do remember the jump very well and it wasn’t successful. The parachute on the Skycycle engaged too quickly which caused Evil to crash into the canyon. Amazingly, he walked away from the incident. I also remember having the Evil Knievel action figure with the miniature motorcycle. I would jump over other toys in our living room. As fate would have it, Mr. Knievel died of “Natural causes” at the age of 69.
I guess my mother was an Evil Knievel fan because she was the only member of my family to go to the showing. Even back then I had such a strong bond with my mother and now through so much adversity, this bond has ever gotten stronger. As I read the article, I do remember Evil Knievel quite well but what resonated with me was my mother. Yes, mom might have liked him because all my memories have my mother watching the crazy events. I most certainly do have a very special mother but I have known this all my life.
My Wife
Here it is one week removed from the arrival of my wife for our family visit. One week already and today was very much like last Friday as a rainstorm moved through. The only difference was I wasn’t waiting for my wife to arrive. I realize I have said this time and time again, but it does bear repeating; time moves so quickly. The environment I am currently in and have been in for almost the past 17 months is like a pod. I have limited distractions and I am well aware of time. I am somewhat isolated from the outside world and am certainly isolated from the world I once knew. This is not a negative, it is my current reality. Thankfully, through recovery, I have been able to accept my current environment and do continue to learn as each day passes. I continue time goes by no matter what. Time is constant – yet it is forever moving. I could stand on my head for the next 12 weeks and that time will go by no matter what. I doubt very much that I will do that because quite frankly I’m not sure if I could stand on my head for 12 seconds, let alone 12 weeks! One week ago I was with my wife and we had a wonderful weekend. It was very special and what could have been a horrible time over these past 17 months has turned out very well. The blessings in my life are boundless.
Staring at the Rain
I sat on my bed staring out at the rain through the window. The past two days have been cold and raining. This makes sense even by Southern California standards since it is December. This area most certainly needs the rain since drought conditions have been prevalent for the past 18 months. I have a wonderful view of the hill from my room and earlier this morning, I just stared out the window watching nature do its thing. This is such a peaceful exercise. I sat there until someone came into my room and said, “Stop zoning out.” I was thinking about my children and how they enjoy the rain. They have been raised in areas where rain is a rarity and I remember being with them when they would go outside and “puddle stomp!” They would run from puddle to puddle splashing away having a wonderful time. This was so simple and I can still see the joy on their faces. It is funny because I know my wife and I have spent so much money on toys for the kids at Christmas and their birthdays, yet puddle stomping seemed much more fun than any of those games.
The Tao
This brings up a point regarding my daily reading in “Living the Wisdom of the Tao”. I have started reading it over again and today’s passage was very inspiring. “Let go of your identification with your stuff and with your accomplishments.” Try instead to enjoy what you do and all that flows into your life simply for the pleasure of doing and observing the flow itself. You literally own nothing and no one; all that is will decompose, all that is yours will leave and become someone elses. So step back a bit and allow yourself to be an observer of this world form. Becoming a detached witness will put you in a state of bliss, while loosening your tight grip on all of your possessions. It is in this releasing process that you’ll gain the freedom to live out what the Tao is always teaching by example. This is such a powerful piece and it ties into my children’s puddle stomping. Children are in a constant state of bliss because this is exactly what everyone is born with. Unfortunately, over the course of time this state of bliss diminishes. Does it have to diminish? I think not because in my own view these silly material possessions screw up this state of bliss. I know for myself there was never enough and I was wanting more. When in reality, there is more than enough and all I ever wanted was right in front of me. I didn’t have to do what I did, but my ego would not be satisfied. This lack of satisfaction (or if I may – lack of bliss) had me searching for something I already had. At my birth I was born in a blissful state like any other child. I lost this bliss to no fault of anyone but my own ego. Now that I have lost all those material possessions, I have gained so much.
“Take pleasure from what you possess without being attached to these things.” I don’t need a Mercedes, 5 bedroom home with a swimming pool or a huge entertainment center to be happy. I have everything I need right now at this very moment. However, amazingly - mentally and spiritually I am in the best place I have ever been in my life. There is possibility I won’t rejoin my family until 13 months after I am released. This is not a pleasant thought for me. However, it will workout for the very best and I will maintain my state of bliss no matter what happens. The wanting more did not turn out so well and now I am very happy with what I have which is a state of bliss.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Another Unexpected Pen Pal
A few weeks ago I wrote to a person my mother encountered through an online recovery forum. The person’s story is very similar to mine as compulsive gambling led him to the gates of prison. I sent a letter to this person who is in another county. I didn’t expect a reply so quickly, but when I received the mail last night, there was the reply from another unexpected pen pal. I am amazed as to how fast this correspondence has gone. The letter was wonderful, and I could hear the same sentiments I had when I first started this journey 17 months ago. Fortunately, this person has a much shorter sentence and will be out very soon. It really doesn’t matter how long the sentence is. The fact that of the matter is being in prison separated from society. This was certainly traumatic for me when I first started, and now I look forward to rejoining society.
Last night, I received a letter from a very good friend, and receiving mail is such a positive. Normally, my mother sends at least one piece almost every day, but has taken a few weeks off. Her void has been filled by my dear friends, and it is amazing how a letter brightens my day even at this stage of my journey.
The mail was read, and I had some hot chocolate last night as winter seems to be settling in (I guess as far as southern California standards are concerned!). The hot chocolate was very welcomed as the heat in the dorm does not seem to be working properly. The heating unit on the side of the dorm in which I live is broken. All is not lost because the other heating unit that heats the room across the hall does work, so there is some indirect heat. Since the heating unit does not work, I need three blankets, and it is very difficult to get out of bed in the morning. I had to force myself out of bed, and I am thinking of sleeping in my sweats so it won’t be so traumatic getting out of bed. I quickly got dressed in sweats and went outside. I would swear it seemed warmer outside than it did inside the dorm. I worked out in the weight area this morning, and I warmed up in a hurry. I am making changes to my exercise routine and will cut back on the aerobics for at least until the end of the year. I have always had a slight pain in the top of my left foot, and this morning that pain was exacerbated with the cold temperatures. The pain doesn’t bother me when I run, but there are times like this morning that are more noticeable than others. This is why I am cutting back on the aerobics.
The excellent workout ended, and it was off to the usual. Breakfast was very uneventful and so was cleaning the showers. My math skills (counting boxes) were put to the test this morning as I helped inventory the “store” items which were delivered today. A month ago I helped my roommate with the store, and today, I helped our friend who is taking over for my roommate. I must admit I prefer counting the boxes to cleaning the bathrooms, and I welcomed the diversity to my day. I have gotten into a solid routine with cleaning the bathrooms, but I find myself creating more “games” as I clean now that I am alone. I did have help a few days ago, but it wasn’t the same as my friend. I learned early on in this journey that being a take-charge person is a detriment, so there’s a fine line when telling someone what to do. I have found saying less is the best route. Anyhow, I relished the inventory procedure this morning and did a good job.
As I was eating lunch outside, the very hungry squirrels approached. They came right up to me when I was sitting outside looking for food. I still do get somewhat nervous as I really don’t trust these squirrels. I did peel off a part of my sandwich and gave it to them. This makes them scurry to their holes, and then I can enjoy my lunch in peace. I only stayed outside for about 20 minutes because the wind picked up, and it seemed colder. I went into my room where I read. I spent the rest of the day writing, which is wonderful therapy.
Last night, I received a letter from a very good friend, and receiving mail is such a positive. Normally, my mother sends at least one piece almost every day, but has taken a few weeks off. Her void has been filled by my dear friends, and it is amazing how a letter brightens my day even at this stage of my journey.
The mail was read, and I had some hot chocolate last night as winter seems to be settling in (I guess as far as southern California standards are concerned!). The hot chocolate was very welcomed as the heat in the dorm does not seem to be working properly. The heating unit on the side of the dorm in which I live is broken. All is not lost because the other heating unit that heats the room across the hall does work, so there is some indirect heat. Since the heating unit does not work, I need three blankets, and it is very difficult to get out of bed in the morning. I had to force myself out of bed, and I am thinking of sleeping in my sweats so it won’t be so traumatic getting out of bed. I quickly got dressed in sweats and went outside. I would swear it seemed warmer outside than it did inside the dorm. I worked out in the weight area this morning, and I warmed up in a hurry. I am making changes to my exercise routine and will cut back on the aerobics for at least until the end of the year. I have always had a slight pain in the top of my left foot, and this morning that pain was exacerbated with the cold temperatures. The pain doesn’t bother me when I run, but there are times like this morning that are more noticeable than others. This is why I am cutting back on the aerobics.
The excellent workout ended, and it was off to the usual. Breakfast was very uneventful and so was cleaning the showers. My math skills (counting boxes) were put to the test this morning as I helped inventory the “store” items which were delivered today. A month ago I helped my roommate with the store, and today, I helped our friend who is taking over for my roommate. I must admit I prefer counting the boxes to cleaning the bathrooms, and I welcomed the diversity to my day. I have gotten into a solid routine with cleaning the bathrooms, but I find myself creating more “games” as I clean now that I am alone. I did have help a few days ago, but it wasn’t the same as my friend. I learned early on in this journey that being a take-charge person is a detriment, so there’s a fine line when telling someone what to do. I have found saying less is the best route. Anyhow, I relished the inventory procedure this morning and did a good job.
As I was eating lunch outside, the very hungry squirrels approached. They came right up to me when I was sitting outside looking for food. I still do get somewhat nervous as I really don’t trust these squirrels. I did peel off a part of my sandwich and gave it to them. This makes them scurry to their holes, and then I can enjoy my lunch in peace. I only stayed outside for about 20 minutes because the wind picked up, and it seemed colder. I went into my room where I read. I spent the rest of the day writing, which is wonderful therapy.
Monday, December 10, 2007
Cold Morning
After my wonderful visit with my two dear friends, I completed my writing for the day. Then I found my way to the television room to watch the New England Patriots vs. Pittsburgh Steelers football game. The perfect Patriots showed some cracks in their armor over the two previous weeks. Well, they seemed to seal those cracks as they dismantled the Steelers. The first half was competitive, but the Patriots took charge in the second half to win the game by 21 points. I most certainly watched the game as a fan, and I also observed the guys around me who were also watching the game. Strangely, there seemed to be more guys rooting for Steelers than the Patriots. I guess the Patriots have that “love ‘em or hate ‘em” with people. I guess I would put myself in the I-am-very-impressed-with-the-Patriots category. I haven’t seen a team like them in a very long time. The only team which comes to mind was the 1990 Buffalo Bills who went to the Super Bowl and played the New York Giants. The Bills had the complete team and seemed to be a cinch to win the Super Bowl; however, the New York Giants played the perfect game. Even though they played a perfect game, the Bills had a chance to win on a late field goal. Their kicker missed the 47 yarder, and the Giants won by one point (20-19). I do believe in order to beat the Patriots the opposing team must play that perfect game. The Patriots are that good, and the only team capable of beating them is the Indianapolis Colts. Of course, another team could play that perfect game, and who knows what may happen. The Patriots could win all their games without a loss. The only time that happened was 35 years ago when the 1972 Miami Dolphins went 14-0 and won the Super Bowl. As fate would have it, the Miami Dolphins are winless this year while the Patriots are undefeated.
It was a good way to spend a cold afternoon watching the football game. As the game neared completion, I walked over to the telephone so I could call my mother. I called my mother so I could speak with my children. My mother was watching them because they didn’t have any school today. This gave my wife a break, and the children enjoy going to my mother’s house. I did speak with both my daughter and son. My daughter had informed that she lost yet another tooth (her 14th – funny, I thought children only had 12 “baby” teeth. It looks like I was wrong because my daughter kept track) and received one dollar from the Tooth Fairy. My daughter had written the Tooth Fairy a note as she set her previous lost tooth under her pillow. The Tooth Fairy answered her questions, and my daughter remarked to my wife how the Tooth Fairy’s handwriting was very much like hers. Hmmm, my daughter is 9 years old, soon to be 10 in February, and I wonder if her days of the Tooth Fairy, Santa, and the Easter Bunny are numbered. My goodness, they grow up so quickly, and I wish they could keep their innocence forever. Yes, these are the times when I wish I could wrap my arms around both my daughter and son. I would love to hold them right now, and I’m not sure if I would ever let them go! My hugs are coming soon, and I do hope I get to see them very soon after my release.
I have been thinking about my release day quite a bit. Sure, there is a cloud of uncertainty, but really, what else is new?? I have grown accustomed to this air of uncertainty and may not know how to deal with real certainty. Yes, I have many questions that cannot be answered right now. These questions will be answered in due time, and I know everything will work out for the very best. I do know my release date is February 27th, and from that point forward, I should have sure answers as to when I can see my children. I am a very patient person (thank God!), and that embrace with my children will happen very soon.
After speaking with my daughter, I spoke with my son who was playing football (inside the house mind you!) with his step-grandfather. I could hear the yelling in the background as I spoke with my daughter. My son came to the telephone breathing heavily, and he was all excited. He was having a great time at my mother’s house, and I could hear it in his voice. He told me about his basketball game where he “swished” a basket. I loved how my son described his basket as he said, “the basketball went right in, swish, without touching anything. My son, who is six years old soon to be seven also in February, is so full of exuberance. He loves to play sports, and really as long as there is a ball involved, he is very happy. My son’s vocabulary and speech have improved dramatically from when I first started this journey some 17 months ago. It’s too bad I can’t freeze them until I return. I am certainly blessed with a wonderful family. I finished talking with my son, and I ended the telephone call while speaking with my mother. She is off to visit my sister in Colorado this week, and I wished her a great time, and I know she will have a great time.
The telephone call was over, and I returned to my room to wait for dinner. While waiting, my roommate had plenty of reading material. He had the Sunday newspaper along with all of this year’s Men’s Health magazines. This did pass the time until dinner, which was uneventful. It wasn’t the most filling of dinners. My roommate and I had some leftover vegetable soup after dinner. We ate the soup and listened to “60 Minutes” on the radio. Once again, laughter was the theme of the evening, and I went to sleep at the usual hour. The cold air is here, and I once again went with the third blanket. I had my mind made up this morning when I got up to do my normal run. Yes, it was a cold morning. There was frost along with ice on the ground. The first few laps were difficult, but once I got going, I wasn’t stopping. I needed the sweatpants along a thermal and sweatshirt. Amazingly, I worked up a very good sweat in spite of the subfreezing temperatures.
The run was over, and it was on with the usual shower, dress, breakfast, and work. Today was an inspection day, and it appears things are getting a little pickier. None of this means anything to me because I am out of here in less than three months. I will certainly abide by the rules, and if I am told to take down the pictures of my family, I will take down the pictures. Some of the other guys have been riled up over the pictures, but upon further inspection, what does it matter? The best way for me is the path of least resistance which means to abide by the rules. In less than three months, I will be able to put up as many pictures of my family that I want. I sure can’t wait for that day!
It was a good way to spend a cold afternoon watching the football game. As the game neared completion, I walked over to the telephone so I could call my mother. I called my mother so I could speak with my children. My mother was watching them because they didn’t have any school today. This gave my wife a break, and the children enjoy going to my mother’s house. I did speak with both my daughter and son. My daughter had informed that she lost yet another tooth (her 14th – funny, I thought children only had 12 “baby” teeth. It looks like I was wrong because my daughter kept track) and received one dollar from the Tooth Fairy. My daughter had written the Tooth Fairy a note as she set her previous lost tooth under her pillow. The Tooth Fairy answered her questions, and my daughter remarked to my wife how the Tooth Fairy’s handwriting was very much like hers. Hmmm, my daughter is 9 years old, soon to be 10 in February, and I wonder if her days of the Tooth Fairy, Santa, and the Easter Bunny are numbered. My goodness, they grow up so quickly, and I wish they could keep their innocence forever. Yes, these are the times when I wish I could wrap my arms around both my daughter and son. I would love to hold them right now, and I’m not sure if I would ever let them go! My hugs are coming soon, and I do hope I get to see them very soon after my release.
I have been thinking about my release day quite a bit. Sure, there is a cloud of uncertainty, but really, what else is new?? I have grown accustomed to this air of uncertainty and may not know how to deal with real certainty. Yes, I have many questions that cannot be answered right now. These questions will be answered in due time, and I know everything will work out for the very best. I do know my release date is February 27th, and from that point forward, I should have sure answers as to when I can see my children. I am a very patient person (thank God!), and that embrace with my children will happen very soon.
After speaking with my daughter, I spoke with my son who was playing football (inside the house mind you!) with his step-grandfather. I could hear the yelling in the background as I spoke with my daughter. My son came to the telephone breathing heavily, and he was all excited. He was having a great time at my mother’s house, and I could hear it in his voice. He told me about his basketball game where he “swished” a basket. I loved how my son described his basket as he said, “the basketball went right in, swish, without touching anything. My son, who is six years old soon to be seven also in February, is so full of exuberance. He loves to play sports, and really as long as there is a ball involved, he is very happy. My son’s vocabulary and speech have improved dramatically from when I first started this journey some 17 months ago. It’s too bad I can’t freeze them until I return. I am certainly blessed with a wonderful family. I finished talking with my son, and I ended the telephone call while speaking with my mother. She is off to visit my sister in Colorado this week, and I wished her a great time, and I know she will have a great time.
The telephone call was over, and I returned to my room to wait for dinner. While waiting, my roommate had plenty of reading material. He had the Sunday newspaper along with all of this year’s Men’s Health magazines. This did pass the time until dinner, which was uneventful. It wasn’t the most filling of dinners. My roommate and I had some leftover vegetable soup after dinner. We ate the soup and listened to “60 Minutes” on the radio. Once again, laughter was the theme of the evening, and I went to sleep at the usual hour. The cold air is here, and I once again went with the third blanket. I had my mind made up this morning when I got up to do my normal run. Yes, it was a cold morning. There was frost along with ice on the ground. The first few laps were difficult, but once I got going, I wasn’t stopping. I needed the sweatpants along a thermal and sweatshirt. Amazingly, I worked up a very good sweat in spite of the subfreezing temperatures.
The run was over, and it was on with the usual shower, dress, breakfast, and work. Today was an inspection day, and it appears things are getting a little pickier. None of this means anything to me because I am out of here in less than three months. I will certainly abide by the rules, and if I am told to take down the pictures of my family, I will take down the pictures. Some of the other guys have been riled up over the pictures, but upon further inspection, what does it matter? The best way for me is the path of least resistance which means to abide by the rules. In less than three months, I will be able to put up as many pictures of my family that I want. I sure can’t wait for that day!
Thursday, December 06, 2007
No More Malaise
It’s back to that rhythm once again. I do live one day at a time through recovery, but I have set certain benchmarks for myself over the next 12 weeks. One benchmark is January 2nd which means to me that the holiday season has concluded, and I have less than two months until my release. The other benchmark date is January 19th when my mother, along with our dear friends, will visit for the weekend. When this visit concludes, I will have a little over one month remaining. These are little tricks or games I play with my mind. Ever since I went under the 100-day mark, I have developed these games. This may not be the wisest move because prior to this I didn’t really concentrate on my release date. It was always out there, and I did know how many months remaining, but I never concentrated on the number of days. I was told the other day that the last 90 days are the most difficult. I can see why because I have become fixated on February 27th and the number of days remaining. I told myself I won’t do a day number countdown until the last 30 days, but my mind wouldn’t listen. Yesterday, I had 12 weeks remaining, and my brain quickly computed that to be 84 days. Today as I ended my writing malaise, I wrote I had 83 days remaining in all four of the letters I wrote. If I continue to do this, these last 83 days will take longer than the previous 513 days!! Anyhow, it appears I need to get more into the rhythm of my days and let it flow. February 27th will be here soon enough, and I certainly can’t wait.
Last night, I finished “Drop Shot” by Harlan Coben. It was a very good, funny, and entertaining book. The ending was a bit sad which I didn’t really expect. The entire book had a very lighthearted tone, but the last few pages turned darker. I most certainly enjoyed it, and I have his next in the Myron Bolitar series; “Fade Away.” The characters Mr. Coben created to go with Myron Bolitar are great. I do believe it would make a great series for either HOB or Showtime. I can’t see the subject matter working on the broadcast networks. I noticed that James Patterson’s “Women’s Murder Club” has been made into a television series so why not Myron Bolitar.
I was feeling much better last night, and all that remained from the cold was a slightly runny nose. I did receive advice from my dad about my nighttime malady, and it seems I really have nothing to worry about. I woke up ready to exercise and went out to the weight area. I have a very good workout and ended it with a few laps on the hill. The rest of the day was very routine, and I spent most of the day writing the letters I was behind on. I completed all the letters and once again was caught up.
Last night, I finished “Drop Shot” by Harlan Coben. It was a very good, funny, and entertaining book. The ending was a bit sad which I didn’t really expect. The entire book had a very lighthearted tone, but the last few pages turned darker. I most certainly enjoyed it, and I have his next in the Myron Bolitar series; “Fade Away.” The characters Mr. Coben created to go with Myron Bolitar are great. I do believe it would make a great series for either HOB or Showtime. I can’t see the subject matter working on the broadcast networks. I noticed that James Patterson’s “Women’s Murder Club” has been made into a television series so why not Myron Bolitar.
I was feeling much better last night, and all that remained from the cold was a slightly runny nose. I did receive advice from my dad about my nighttime malady, and it seems I really have nothing to worry about. I woke up ready to exercise and went out to the weight area. I have a very good workout and ended it with a few laps on the hill. The rest of the day was very routine, and I spent most of the day writing the letters I was behind on. I completed all the letters and once again was caught up.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
Writing Malaise
Yesterday afternoon, I tried to contact my wife to inform her of the news regarding the denial of my transfer of parole to Las Vegas. I was unsuccessful in reaching her because that dreaded “billing block” was once again on the telephone line. The “billing block” occurs when we exceed the allotted billing amount required by the long distance carrier that provides the collect calls from here. This occurs whether or not my wife receives a bill. When the amount is reached, she can no longer receive collect calls from me until the balance is paid. I have gone on and on regarding the collect call situation which, in my mind, borders anti-trust violations since it is a monopoly. I won’t get into that again, but it is frustrating. Since I couldn’t contact my wife, I telephoned my mother last night. I was able to reach my mom, and we spoke for 30 minutes, which equals to too much money. Anyhow, I recounted the wonderful family visit with my wife, and I told her about my parole not being transferred. As always, my mother was very supportive. She did mention that our dear friends in Las Vegas would be disappointed I wouldn’t be coming to live with them. This is also disappointing to me, but everything does happen for a reason, and as my mother pointed out, I have a much better support network here in southern California than anywhere else. I am truly blessed with all the wonderful friends I continue to make through the GA program. Another positive is I will be able to attend those fantastic GA meetings I have become accustomed to. Yes, it will work out for the very best.
The telephone call with my mother was wonderful, and as I was talking with her, the thought of me being separated from my family for another 13 months occurred to me. I cannot and will not dwell on this issue as it is up to my wife if she wants to rejoin me here in southern California when the children finish school next June. I certainly don’t want to bounce the children all around the country; however, I do want to reconnect with them as soon as possible. This decision is not mine to make, and I do believe my wife will decide what works best for her. I cannot lie and say this is easy because it certainly is not. I need to let it go and trust and believe everything will be as intended.
As I wrote that last line, a thought just occurred to me. The key word is intention as in “The Power of Intention.” I do have a long way to go in order to live my daily life as Dr. Dyer prescribes. Thankfully, through recovery, I am more accepting as I have ever been which is a key concept in “The Power of Intention.” Everything does happen for a reason, and I will not fret about it. My intention was to work and live in Las Vegas; however, there is another intention, and I will go with it and see where it takes me. I can only “control” my own thoughts, and hopefully, I am getting my ego out of the way. As long as I can stay focused in recovery, my life will continue to improve.
The telephone call with my mother ended too quickly, and it was time to say our goodbyes. I hung up the telephone, went back to my room, and had a hot cup of tea along with some cold medication. My cold was taking its course, and this cold is very different than any other cold I have had. Usually, my colds start in my throat and go into my nose. This cold skipped the throat altogether and went right into my nose. Hopefully, this means the cold will be over sooner as opposed to later. I did take the cold medication, and my roommate convinced me to go into the television room to watch the show “Nip & Tuck.” I had never seen this before, but my roommate recommended it. We stayed for about 20 minutes of the hour-long program as it wasn’t a very good episode. We then returned to our room where I promptly retired to sleep as the cold medication kicked in. I slept rather uneventfully, and when it was time for me to get up to go running, I was feeling better. I did run this morning, but I only ran for 90 minutes instead of the usual two hours.
The run was over, and it was shower, breakfast, and work time. Everything was going as usual until my name was announced over the PA system. I went to the office, and it was time for the urinalysis test. The little glitch had been rectified, and as required, I must submit to the test. I have no issue with taking this test. The problem was I wasn’t ready to “go.” I needed to drink some water, and I downed 12 8-ounce glasses. I thought I was ready, but I got a large case of “stage fright.” The urinalysis must be done in the presence of another party, and it was a bit unnerving trying to go in front of someone else. Fortunately there wasn’t any pressure from the other parties, and I was allowed to “go” at my leisure. Of course once I started to “go,” I continued every 10 minutes for the entire morning! After the test, I returned to the bathrooms and my cleaning.
In the afternoon, I was able to phone my wife. I did inform her of the news that I am relegated to the state of California while on parole. My wife was disappointed for me that I won’t be able to work at the Recovery Center in Las Vegas as it does make getting on my feet a bit more difficult. I did broach the subject of what we talked about over the weekend, and her decision will still be made during the time of my release and when the children finish school in June. I brought up the fact that the children will need to be registered for school our here prior to June, and my wife seemed to understand. She did say she had a wonderful weekend, and so did I. The issue regarding when we will all be together still needs to be decided, and it will in due time. I was also able to speak with my daughter and son. I congratulated my daughter on her report card of all A’s (yes, straight A’s and the only one in her class who received this). She was very gracious and said, “Thank you.” She also told me about her Christmas concert last night where she played the clarinet and informed me she “squeaked” only once. Her next concert will be in May. She went on to say that maybe I will be able to come to her concert in May. At this point, I cannot answer her, but it is a wonderful thought. I spoke with my son who continues to mature with every telephone call. I spoke to him about his report card which contained B’s and C’s. I did not chastise him for this. I did say “good job.” He told me with prompting that the grades will get better, and I do believe him. I thoroughly enjoy speaking with my children and know in 12 week’s time that at the very least I can call them anytime and without the huge fees. I do suspect I will be able to visit with them soon after my release, and I can’t wait. I have been blessed with a magnificent family, and I am very fortunate.
The telephone call ended, and I went back to my room with the intention of writing. Instead, I was given a local newspaper which I read for a while. I did start writing, but ever since I got back from the family visit, I have been in a bit of a writing malaise. I have always been so good in responding letters; however, I have four letters which need a response. I got involved in a conversation with my roommate, and the afternoon was over. I’m not sure if I will get to these letters this evening, so if anyone is awaiting a response, please be patient. It will be sent soon.
The telephone call with my mother was wonderful, and as I was talking with her, the thought of me being separated from my family for another 13 months occurred to me. I cannot and will not dwell on this issue as it is up to my wife if she wants to rejoin me here in southern California when the children finish school next June. I certainly don’t want to bounce the children all around the country; however, I do want to reconnect with them as soon as possible. This decision is not mine to make, and I do believe my wife will decide what works best for her. I cannot lie and say this is easy because it certainly is not. I need to let it go and trust and believe everything will be as intended.
As I wrote that last line, a thought just occurred to me. The key word is intention as in “The Power of Intention.” I do have a long way to go in order to live my daily life as Dr. Dyer prescribes. Thankfully, through recovery, I am more accepting as I have ever been which is a key concept in “The Power of Intention.” Everything does happen for a reason, and I will not fret about it. My intention was to work and live in Las Vegas; however, there is another intention, and I will go with it and see where it takes me. I can only “control” my own thoughts, and hopefully, I am getting my ego out of the way. As long as I can stay focused in recovery, my life will continue to improve.
The telephone call with my mother ended too quickly, and it was time to say our goodbyes. I hung up the telephone, went back to my room, and had a hot cup of tea along with some cold medication. My cold was taking its course, and this cold is very different than any other cold I have had. Usually, my colds start in my throat and go into my nose. This cold skipped the throat altogether and went right into my nose. Hopefully, this means the cold will be over sooner as opposed to later. I did take the cold medication, and my roommate convinced me to go into the television room to watch the show “Nip & Tuck.” I had never seen this before, but my roommate recommended it. We stayed for about 20 minutes of the hour-long program as it wasn’t a very good episode. We then returned to our room where I promptly retired to sleep as the cold medication kicked in. I slept rather uneventfully, and when it was time for me to get up to go running, I was feeling better. I did run this morning, but I only ran for 90 minutes instead of the usual two hours.
The run was over, and it was shower, breakfast, and work time. Everything was going as usual until my name was announced over the PA system. I went to the office, and it was time for the urinalysis test. The little glitch had been rectified, and as required, I must submit to the test. I have no issue with taking this test. The problem was I wasn’t ready to “go.” I needed to drink some water, and I downed 12 8-ounce glasses. I thought I was ready, but I got a large case of “stage fright.” The urinalysis must be done in the presence of another party, and it was a bit unnerving trying to go in front of someone else. Fortunately there wasn’t any pressure from the other parties, and I was allowed to “go” at my leisure. Of course once I started to “go,” I continued every 10 minutes for the entire morning! After the test, I returned to the bathrooms and my cleaning.
In the afternoon, I was able to phone my wife. I did inform her of the news that I am relegated to the state of California while on parole. My wife was disappointed for me that I won’t be able to work at the Recovery Center in Las Vegas as it does make getting on my feet a bit more difficult. I did broach the subject of what we talked about over the weekend, and her decision will still be made during the time of my release and when the children finish school in June. I brought up the fact that the children will need to be registered for school our here prior to June, and my wife seemed to understand. She did say she had a wonderful weekend, and so did I. The issue regarding when we will all be together still needs to be decided, and it will in due time. I was also able to speak with my daughter and son. I congratulated my daughter on her report card of all A’s (yes, straight A’s and the only one in her class who received this). She was very gracious and said, “Thank you.” She also told me about her Christmas concert last night where she played the clarinet and informed me she “squeaked” only once. Her next concert will be in May. She went on to say that maybe I will be able to come to her concert in May. At this point, I cannot answer her, but it is a wonderful thought. I spoke with my son who continues to mature with every telephone call. I spoke to him about his report card which contained B’s and C’s. I did not chastise him for this. I did say “good job.” He told me with prompting that the grades will get better, and I do believe him. I thoroughly enjoy speaking with my children and know in 12 week’s time that at the very least I can call them anytime and without the huge fees. I do suspect I will be able to visit with them soon after my release, and I can’t wait. I have been blessed with a magnificent family, and I am very fortunate.
The telephone call ended, and I went back to my room with the intention of writing. Instead, I was given a local newspaper which I read for a while. I did start writing, but ever since I got back from the family visit, I have been in a bit of a writing malaise. I have always been so good in responding letters; however, I have four letters which need a response. I got involved in a conversation with my roommate, and the afternoon was over. I’m not sure if I will get to these letters this evening, so if anyone is awaiting a response, please be patient. It will be sent soon.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
The Good And The Not So Good
I came back into camp yesterday and decompressed. I really don’t feel like doing anything. There was yet another issue with the urine analysis test I was required to take upon entering camp. I won’t go into the boring details, but I can say that if it is not one thing, it is something else. I spent most of the day talking with my friends and reliving the fabulous weekend with my wife. Yesterday afternoon, I noticed my nose started running, and I came to find out that my roommate spent the last three days fighting a cold. Also, there seems to be many guys in camp with the same cold symptoms, so something is going around. I really didn’t think much of it and went about my day.
I spent the evening reading a “Runner’s World” magazine which my wife bought. I forgot how much I enjoyed this magazine as all the articles are superb. After finishing the magazine, I read some more of “Drop Slot,” and then I settled into bed. I had a strange encounter as I started to drift off to sleep. I was wakened and informed the trash containers in the bathroom needed to be emptied. I was half asleep during this encounter, but I did get the message. I got out of bed and emptied these trash containers. This was yet one of the endless examples of powerlessness. If not for anything else, powerlessness is my over theme for these past 17 months and ever since I entered recovery almost three years ago. This has been, and continues to be, a great lesson to me at every step of the way.
The trash was disposed of, and I went back to sleep. The running nose manifested itself into a sinus headache, and when it came time for me to get up and exercise, I thought better of it. Instead of exercising, I took a cold pill and stayed in bed. Just to think, 24 hours earlier I was waking up feeling great next to my wife, and now my head was throbbing with a runny nose. I felt a little better after taking the cold medication and went off to breakfast. I resumed my normal program, and in spite of the cold, everything was going along smoothly until I entered the office. I went into the office to get a pair of latex gloves, but much to my surprise, I was told there was a telephone call for me. Receiving telephone calls in here never seems to be a positive occasion. The firth thought that went through my head was my wife as she flew back last night. I hoped the telephone call didn’t have to do with her. Thankfully, it didn’t, which was good; however, the telephone conversation fit into the category of not so good.
On the telephone was the counselor. She called to inform me that the transfer of my parole would NOT transpire. The paperwork had been submitted to Jamestown for processing. As the folks in Jamestown were processing the paperwork, they noticed I owe restitution. Taking a step back, the question I always had was could I transfer my paroled to another state while owing restitution? I had heard from my sources that I could not; however, I have never seen anything in writing stating this, and I thought the counselor “forgot” about my restitution and that I am prohibited from transferring parole to another state because of the restitution. This is the reason why the counselor called me to inform me the paperwork CANNOT be processed due to the restitution.
I was a bit disappointed because I really thought I would have been informed that I could not transfer paroled at an earlier time. On the positive side at least, the counselor called now as opposed to the day before my parole date. This also means the discussion my wife and I had at the family visit is moot. Now, we need to enter into a new discussion because I can be bound to California for at the most 13 months and the least 6 months. As it stands now, I must remain in California for 13 months while I complete parole. It appears I cannot transfer my parole to any other state while I owe restitution. I don’t foresee paying off my restitution in 13 months, so I will have to reside in California for that period of time. I still have several questions regarding restitution which can only be answered by a parole officer. One of the questions is is my parole dependent on me fulfilling the restitution obligation and what happens at the end of 13 months?
I now have to come up with plan B. One of my very dear friends did offer me a place to live. I will have to take my friend up on this because I have no place to live. I will also have to come up with a plan to get a job. I do firmly believe everything will work out for the very best. Right now, there are a few challenges ahead, and the Las Vegas opportunity fit much nicer. Oh well, it does all fall back to being powerless to the situation I put myself in. I don’t have the option of transferring to another state even though I have a job opportunity and a place to live. I do have a plan that has been festering in my mind, and now I will have to put this plan in action.
I got off the telephone and did have feelings of disappointment. I must admit I was frustrated at this news, but as the day wore on, I accepted this news as something I cannot change. My cold also seemed to worsen during the day, but I did try to sweat it out in the afternoon as I hiked the hill. As I was hiking the hill, I was thinking about the whole parole issue and came to the conclusion this news will give me the kick I so needed to do what I would like to do. I won’t go into detail at this point in time, but I have written about this at an earlier time. Sure, it would have been much easier to move to Las Vegas and work at the Recovery Center while living with my dear friends. This option is no longer available, so it is on to plan B. I do wonder what my wife is going to say about all of this. Does it mean I will be without my family until March of 2009? Of course, I have no answers to these questions, but I do know life (specifically my life) has so many twists and turns; however, it always works out as intended. Sure, my intention was to move to Las Vegas, but apparently, someone (or something) has a different plan for me.
I spent the evening reading a “Runner’s World” magazine which my wife bought. I forgot how much I enjoyed this magazine as all the articles are superb. After finishing the magazine, I read some more of “Drop Slot,” and then I settled into bed. I had a strange encounter as I started to drift off to sleep. I was wakened and informed the trash containers in the bathroom needed to be emptied. I was half asleep during this encounter, but I did get the message. I got out of bed and emptied these trash containers. This was yet one of the endless examples of powerlessness. If not for anything else, powerlessness is my over theme for these past 17 months and ever since I entered recovery almost three years ago. This has been, and continues to be, a great lesson to me at every step of the way.
The trash was disposed of, and I went back to sleep. The running nose manifested itself into a sinus headache, and when it came time for me to get up and exercise, I thought better of it. Instead of exercising, I took a cold pill and stayed in bed. Just to think, 24 hours earlier I was waking up feeling great next to my wife, and now my head was throbbing with a runny nose. I felt a little better after taking the cold medication and went off to breakfast. I resumed my normal program, and in spite of the cold, everything was going along smoothly until I entered the office. I went into the office to get a pair of latex gloves, but much to my surprise, I was told there was a telephone call for me. Receiving telephone calls in here never seems to be a positive occasion. The firth thought that went through my head was my wife as she flew back last night. I hoped the telephone call didn’t have to do with her. Thankfully, it didn’t, which was good; however, the telephone conversation fit into the category of not so good.
On the telephone was the counselor. She called to inform me that the transfer of my parole would NOT transpire. The paperwork had been submitted to Jamestown for processing. As the folks in Jamestown were processing the paperwork, they noticed I owe restitution. Taking a step back, the question I always had was could I transfer my paroled to another state while owing restitution? I had heard from my sources that I could not; however, I have never seen anything in writing stating this, and I thought the counselor “forgot” about my restitution and that I am prohibited from transferring parole to another state because of the restitution. This is the reason why the counselor called me to inform me the paperwork CANNOT be processed due to the restitution.
I was a bit disappointed because I really thought I would have been informed that I could not transfer paroled at an earlier time. On the positive side at least, the counselor called now as opposed to the day before my parole date. This also means the discussion my wife and I had at the family visit is moot. Now, we need to enter into a new discussion because I can be bound to California for at the most 13 months and the least 6 months. As it stands now, I must remain in California for 13 months while I complete parole. It appears I cannot transfer my parole to any other state while I owe restitution. I don’t foresee paying off my restitution in 13 months, so I will have to reside in California for that period of time. I still have several questions regarding restitution which can only be answered by a parole officer. One of the questions is is my parole dependent on me fulfilling the restitution obligation and what happens at the end of 13 months?
I now have to come up with plan B. One of my very dear friends did offer me a place to live. I will have to take my friend up on this because I have no place to live. I will also have to come up with a plan to get a job. I do firmly believe everything will work out for the very best. Right now, there are a few challenges ahead, and the Las Vegas opportunity fit much nicer. Oh well, it does all fall back to being powerless to the situation I put myself in. I don’t have the option of transferring to another state even though I have a job opportunity and a place to live. I do have a plan that has been festering in my mind, and now I will have to put this plan in action.
I got off the telephone and did have feelings of disappointment. I must admit I was frustrated at this news, but as the day wore on, I accepted this news as something I cannot change. My cold also seemed to worsen during the day, but I did try to sweat it out in the afternoon as I hiked the hill. As I was hiking the hill, I was thinking about the whole parole issue and came to the conclusion this news will give me the kick I so needed to do what I would like to do. I won’t go into detail at this point in time, but I have written about this at an earlier time. Sure, it would have been much easier to move to Las Vegas and work at the Recovery Center while living with my dear friends. This option is no longer available, so it is on to plan B. I do wonder what my wife is going to say about all of this. Does it mean I will be without my family until March of 2009? Of course, I have no answers to these questions, but I do know life (specifically my life) has so many twists and turns; however, it always works out as intended. Sure, my intention was to move to Las Vegas, but apparently, someone (or something) has a different plan for me.
Monday, December 03, 2007
Family Visit With My Wife
November 30th (Friday) – December 3rd (Monday)
Where should I start because every minute of the past three days has been exceptional? I got to spend that time with my wife without any interruptions. To say the weekend was great would not give it any justice. It started on Friday with the arrival of my wife. The visit started much like our previous family visit with the children back in July as my wife arrived an hour later than expected. Unfortunately, our dear friend who was kind enough to drive my wife experienced a dead battery which delayed their arrival by an hour. Thankfully, the jump was successful, and when I looked in the office, I saw my wife’s beautiful smile which brought an immediate smile to me. I quickly entered the office and greeted my wife with a quick kiss. She was smiling from ear to ear in spite of the technical difficulties of her arrival. I was more than happy to see her, and we proceeded with the check-in for the family visit. Everything went extremely smoothly, and within minutes, we were alone in the family visiting cottage where we embraced and kissed. My wife gets more and more beautiful with every passing day. She is a beautiful woman on the outside and most definitely on the inside. We held each other for a long time.
The bags were unloaded, and we again held each other. This was the first time we were alone in almost 17 months, and it was certainly a long time coming. I am so fortunate to be in a place where I am able to have these types of visits. Once again, this journey continues to work out for the very best. The day on Friday was cold and rainy. I could not have asked for better day weather wise because it was a great day to be inside. In fact, the entire weekend was very brisk by southern California standards. One of my neighbors deemed it “baby-making weather!” I can understand why he stated this, but for us, this doesn’t apply as our baby-making days ended almost seven years ago with the birth of our son. We most certainly did have a wonderful time.
That first day my wife did bring up the proverbial “elephant in the room” with the much needed discussion of our future. Back in July, we discussed possibilities regarding our future, but we really didn’t come to any solid agreements as to the future because where I could and could not parole to was in limbo. A month ago, or maybe more, I received word on a very promising job prospect in Las Vegas, and without really discussing it together, I went ahead and applied for a transfer of my parole to Las Vegas in hopes of this job opportunity panning out. When I spoke to my wife about this, I received a somewhat subdued reaction. I really thought the plan would be for me to reside in Las Vegas with our very dear friends from March until June when our children finish the school year. As the school year finished, my wife and children would join me. Well, my wife has other thoughts because she has become quite comfortable surrounded by family. We talked at length about this, and my wife is very conflicted. She had a whole list of questions, and we through that list. Unfortunately, I couldn’t answer any of those questions because they all called for speculation as there weren’t any definites yet. We did have a very nice discussion, and I am not one for pressuring my wife. My hopes are that we can all be reunited as soon as possible. I love my family with all my heart and soul. What I did was wrong in so many ways, and the consequences of my actions will continue even after I am released.
There is nothing I can do to change the past. I can only focus on today and believe everything will work out for the very best. We really didn’t come to any solution, but we did agree that a decision would be made by the time I arrived in Las Vegas (most likely in March) and the time the children finish school in June. There is a possibility that my family will remain in New Jersey until I complete parole which would be March of 2009. I really don’t like to think of this prospect because I don’t want to be away from my family that long. There will be visits, and I will see them more than I have seen them in these past 17 months. Also, I will be able to communicate with them much more often through the telephone and e-mail. It will not be as difficult as it has been, and although not the most ideal situation, we will make it work out for the very best. This is something in the future, so there is no sense in me dwelling on it, because it may or may not even happen.
With the “elephant in the room” properly disposed of, we had three blissful days. I made it a point to wait on my wife all weekend long. I did most of the cooking and all of the cleaning while my wife relaxed. This is the least I could do after subjecting her to a very bad situation. I did my best to make her feel comfortable, and we had a wonderful time. The food was exceptional and the company out of this world. We spent three blissful days together, and our biggest activity was playing scrabble!
It was wonderful spending those three days with my wife, and it does make me want to accelerate the next three months. My wife had such a great time she wanted to stay. I had such a great time I wanted to leave. Well, neither one of those were options for us because I still have time to serve, and I don’t think my wife could stow away. Monday morning came way too fast, and I had no idea 68 hours could go by that quickly. I sure didn’t want her to leave, but I will see her on February 27th which is right around the corner. If every three days go this fast, my release date will be here in the blink of an eye. Yes, it was Monday so quickly, and it was time for my wife to depart. Our very dear friend arrived to pick her up. Prior to their arrival, my wife and I hugged for a very long time. I love her so very much, and yes, I am still very sorry for what I have done to her and the children. It is moments like these that make me think of what I have put them through. No, I won’t harp on it or I would be a basket case. I am moving forward through recovery (thank God), and each day continues to be better.
The family visit with my wife had concluded this morning, and I had a wonderful time. I was very much looking forward to it, and it was everything I had envisioned and more. I was very sad to see my wife depart; however, the next time I see her (in a little over 12 weeks) I won’t be wearing orange, and it will be a glorious morning. The day is approaching, and in the meantime, I will keep on doing I have done for almost the past 17 months, which is living each day one at a time.
Where should I start because every minute of the past three days has been exceptional? I got to spend that time with my wife without any interruptions. To say the weekend was great would not give it any justice. It started on Friday with the arrival of my wife. The visit started much like our previous family visit with the children back in July as my wife arrived an hour later than expected. Unfortunately, our dear friend who was kind enough to drive my wife experienced a dead battery which delayed their arrival by an hour. Thankfully, the jump was successful, and when I looked in the office, I saw my wife’s beautiful smile which brought an immediate smile to me. I quickly entered the office and greeted my wife with a quick kiss. She was smiling from ear to ear in spite of the technical difficulties of her arrival. I was more than happy to see her, and we proceeded with the check-in for the family visit. Everything went extremely smoothly, and within minutes, we were alone in the family visiting cottage where we embraced and kissed. My wife gets more and more beautiful with every passing day. She is a beautiful woman on the outside and most definitely on the inside. We held each other for a long time.
The bags were unloaded, and we again held each other. This was the first time we were alone in almost 17 months, and it was certainly a long time coming. I am so fortunate to be in a place where I am able to have these types of visits. Once again, this journey continues to work out for the very best. The day on Friday was cold and rainy. I could not have asked for better day weather wise because it was a great day to be inside. In fact, the entire weekend was very brisk by southern California standards. One of my neighbors deemed it “baby-making weather!” I can understand why he stated this, but for us, this doesn’t apply as our baby-making days ended almost seven years ago with the birth of our son. We most certainly did have a wonderful time.
That first day my wife did bring up the proverbial “elephant in the room” with the much needed discussion of our future. Back in July, we discussed possibilities regarding our future, but we really didn’t come to any solid agreements as to the future because where I could and could not parole to was in limbo. A month ago, or maybe more, I received word on a very promising job prospect in Las Vegas, and without really discussing it together, I went ahead and applied for a transfer of my parole to Las Vegas in hopes of this job opportunity panning out. When I spoke to my wife about this, I received a somewhat subdued reaction. I really thought the plan would be for me to reside in Las Vegas with our very dear friends from March until June when our children finish the school year. As the school year finished, my wife and children would join me. Well, my wife has other thoughts because she has become quite comfortable surrounded by family. We talked at length about this, and my wife is very conflicted. She had a whole list of questions, and we through that list. Unfortunately, I couldn’t answer any of those questions because they all called for speculation as there weren’t any definites yet. We did have a very nice discussion, and I am not one for pressuring my wife. My hopes are that we can all be reunited as soon as possible. I love my family with all my heart and soul. What I did was wrong in so many ways, and the consequences of my actions will continue even after I am released.
There is nothing I can do to change the past. I can only focus on today and believe everything will work out for the very best. We really didn’t come to any solution, but we did agree that a decision would be made by the time I arrived in Las Vegas (most likely in March) and the time the children finish school in June. There is a possibility that my family will remain in New Jersey until I complete parole which would be March of 2009. I really don’t like to think of this prospect because I don’t want to be away from my family that long. There will be visits, and I will see them more than I have seen them in these past 17 months. Also, I will be able to communicate with them much more often through the telephone and e-mail. It will not be as difficult as it has been, and although not the most ideal situation, we will make it work out for the very best. This is something in the future, so there is no sense in me dwelling on it, because it may or may not even happen.
With the “elephant in the room” properly disposed of, we had three blissful days. I made it a point to wait on my wife all weekend long. I did most of the cooking and all of the cleaning while my wife relaxed. This is the least I could do after subjecting her to a very bad situation. I did my best to make her feel comfortable, and we had a wonderful time. The food was exceptional and the company out of this world. We spent three blissful days together, and our biggest activity was playing scrabble!
It was wonderful spending those three days with my wife, and it does make me want to accelerate the next three months. My wife had such a great time she wanted to stay. I had such a great time I wanted to leave. Well, neither one of those were options for us because I still have time to serve, and I don’t think my wife could stow away. Monday morning came way too fast, and I had no idea 68 hours could go by that quickly. I sure didn’t want her to leave, but I will see her on February 27th which is right around the corner. If every three days go this fast, my release date will be here in the blink of an eye. Yes, it was Monday so quickly, and it was time for my wife to depart. Our very dear friend arrived to pick her up. Prior to their arrival, my wife and I hugged for a very long time. I love her so very much, and yes, I am still very sorry for what I have done to her and the children. It is moments like these that make me think of what I have put them through. No, I won’t harp on it or I would be a basket case. I am moving forward through recovery (thank God), and each day continues to be better.
The family visit with my wife had concluded this morning, and I had a wonderful time. I was very much looking forward to it, and it was everything I had envisioned and more. I was very sad to see my wife depart; however, the next time I see her (in a little over 12 weeks) I won’t be wearing orange, and it will be a glorious morning. The day is approaching, and in the meantime, I will keep on doing I have done for almost the past 17 months, which is living each day one at a time.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
