After a very long day driving yesterday we got a very late start this morning. My wife was the first one awake this morning which is very unusual because I am usually the first one up and ready to go. I was very beat and didn't sleep that well last night because I was listening to my daughter grind her teeth for most of the night. It was a precious moment the first time but it continued at length for most of the evening. I hope this a phase because she may not have any teeth left when she is 13 if she continues this grinding. My son snores (as do I) fairly loudly and my daughter grinds her teeth but I would trade all the sleep in the world to listen to these two do this over and over again.
I did finally settle down to sleep early in the morning and I heard my wife in the shower. I did get up and wake up the children around 8:00 am. I knew today would be a difficult driving day for everyone because we went so far yesterday so I only wanted to do 8 hours of driving. I mapped it out on the internet and if we left by 9:30 am we would be in Columbus, Ohio by 6:30 pm even losing the hour going from Central time to Eastern time. However; by the time we go on the road it was 10:30 am Central time.
I didn't want a reprise of yesterday so we would stop driving around 6:00 pm wherever we were. We went through Missouri to Illinois to Indiana and finally stopped on the border of Ohio. We were about 90 miles short of Columbus, Ohio but we found a very nice hotel here on the border of Indiana and Ohio. Tomorrow we will be longer day than I had expected because I want to make it to my mother's house in New Jersey. We have a little over 600 miles to go which should take 9 hours. If we get out by 9:00 am we should be at my mom's house at 6:00 pm.
When we stopped we had a very nice dinner and the children got to swim in the hotel's swimming pool for about an hour. They desperately needed some physical activity and thank God they got to swim. The children had a very good time swimming and after swimming we got them some ice cream. It was a very relaxing evening and the last evening all of us will spend in a hotel for some time to come but that is okay because there will be more memories to cherish in the future.
As a quick aside; when my daughter was getting out of the mini-van she put on her sandals on the wrong feet and she said to me she is so "dumb"; I told her she is not "dumb" if she puts on her sandals on the wrong feet in fact she is very smart. I proceeded to ask her some easy questions starting with her full name and then I ask her where does she live and with a smile on her face she said; "I really don't know because we left California and I don't really have a place to live." I told her that was a great answer and to not worry about that and by the way in which she answered she was NOT worried about at all. I told her she is going to live with her grandmother in New Jersey for awhile and we will all be together as a family in a very short period of time; and we will make a home somewhere whether it is New Jersey, California, Las Vegas or anywhere else the fact that we are altogether is the only thing that matters.
My daughter seems to worry about many things much like I did when I was her age. I used to worry so much I would give myself stomach aches. My parents took me to the doctor who intern referred me to a specialist and I was diagnosed with an ulcer at the age of 9 one year older than my daughter. I don't know if my daughter is on this same path and I hope she is not but if history does repeat itself I will do everything in my power to ensure she does not pick up anymore of my bad traits by making her aware of all of my mistakes. She is a great kid and is destined to be a great woman. I know she will get there and I look forward to seeing her blossom as the years go by.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Back on the Road
I woke up a little before 7:00 am Mountain Time this morning which was a little later than I wanted to. However; we are not on a time schedule and when we get to our destination (New Jersey) we get to our destination. After taking a shower I promptly woke up the rest of my family in order to get on the road (again) at a reasonable time. I loaded up the ruminants of our "stuff" into the mini-van. (Let me tell you we have a great deal of "stuff" in the mini-van!!) We said our "so-longs" to my sister and her family which wasn't sad it was actually invigorating.
As I stated yesterday my sister has become such a special person to me I know whatever time I miss with her and her family in the coming years I know she will remain a very special person to me. I also know that no matter what happens in the coming weeks no one can take away this very special time from and I am forever grateful for this opportunity to experience the many blessings in my life.
After saying our "so-longs" we were on the road at 8:20 am Mountain Time. My goal (I like to have goals which may or may not be a character defect?) was to get to Columbia, Missouri this evening. Unfortunately my goal and my wife's instructions were not the same. My wife wanted to be done driving by 7:00 pm so we could get a good dinner and have the children go swimming at the hotel. My calculations were a little off because I forgot about losing the hour when we went from the Mountain Time zone to the Central Time Zone in Kansas. Needless to say we arrived in Columbia, Missouri at 8:30 pm Central Time after stopping in construction traffic for 45 minutes.
My wife was not too happy with me when we sat down to dinner at 9:15 pm at the Cracker Barrel. My poor wife had a rough evening (as if completely upsetting her life over 16 months was not enough!!) after arriving in Columbia, Missouri late in the evening. We went to the Cracker Barrel Restaurant and if anyone has traveled across the United States knows that there seems to be a Cracker Barrel Restaurant at every exit!!
My wife had never been to this restaurant and there appeared to be a shortage of restaurants at this hour we decided to go. Now those of you who know my eating habits know the Cracker Barrel is not a great place for me to eat; however; I certainly owe my wife so much it was in everyone's best interest to try it. My wife was having a hard time ordering her dinner because every time she ordered something the waiter would come back and inform her they had run out of it. She finally settled on having breakfast for dinner and her pancakes and sausages were a bit overcooked. By the way my soup and salad was okay. We finally finished dinner a little past 10:00 pm and headed back to the hotel. The children took their showers and finally went to sleep around 11:00 pm; this was a very long day for everyone.
The hotel had two queen beds and my wife slept with my son and I slept with my daughter at their requests. It was a very simple thing and something I had not really thought about but the fact that my daughter wanted me to sleep with her and give her a feeling of security made me feel very good. Normally my daughter takes a while to fall asleep but not tonight she was asleep in seconds.
It was a very long day but a great day that was shared with my family. After departing my sister's house this morning we made a very long journey through the high plains of eastern Colorado and Kansas. There is so much undeveloped land in this part of the country I was amazed. We drove hundreds of miles without seeing any housing developments and any industries of any kinds. We drove through endless wheat and alfalfa fields but no commercial developments. This is a far cry from Southern California and New Jersey where there are endless residential and commercial developments. I saw a sign in Kansas along the freeway which was offering FREE land for an industrial development. There aren't any freebies to be had on either coast so I was simply amazed by how much raw land that is available in this part of the country.
The terrain throughout the 750 mile drive was of rolling hills. Not exactly an exciting drive and thank God we did this during the daylight because it would have been hypnotic at night. Kansas seemed to last forever but we finally reached our destination albeit a bit late but we got there without any problems. The children were great and we only made one stop for gas and lunch while driving for ten hours.
I have a great family and no matter how far apart we maybe in the coming months and years I know I have finally made the right decision by embracing my Recovery and as long I stay in recovery my life will be filled with so many blessings. I am so grateful to know there are so many blessings in my life starting with my family.
As I stated yesterday my sister has become such a special person to me I know whatever time I miss with her and her family in the coming years I know she will remain a very special person to me. I also know that no matter what happens in the coming weeks no one can take away this very special time from and I am forever grateful for this opportunity to experience the many blessings in my life.
After saying our "so-longs" we were on the road at 8:20 am Mountain Time. My goal (I like to have goals which may or may not be a character defect?) was to get to Columbia, Missouri this evening. Unfortunately my goal and my wife's instructions were not the same. My wife wanted to be done driving by 7:00 pm so we could get a good dinner and have the children go swimming at the hotel. My calculations were a little off because I forgot about losing the hour when we went from the Mountain Time zone to the Central Time Zone in Kansas. Needless to say we arrived in Columbia, Missouri at 8:30 pm Central Time after stopping in construction traffic for 45 minutes.
My wife was not too happy with me when we sat down to dinner at 9:15 pm at the Cracker Barrel. My poor wife had a rough evening (as if completely upsetting her life over 16 months was not enough!!) after arriving in Columbia, Missouri late in the evening. We went to the Cracker Barrel Restaurant and if anyone has traveled across the United States knows that there seems to be a Cracker Barrel Restaurant at every exit!!
My wife had never been to this restaurant and there appeared to be a shortage of restaurants at this hour we decided to go. Now those of you who know my eating habits know the Cracker Barrel is not a great place for me to eat; however; I certainly owe my wife so much it was in everyone's best interest to try it. My wife was having a hard time ordering her dinner because every time she ordered something the waiter would come back and inform her they had run out of it. She finally settled on having breakfast for dinner and her pancakes and sausages were a bit overcooked. By the way my soup and salad was okay. We finally finished dinner a little past 10:00 pm and headed back to the hotel. The children took their showers and finally went to sleep around 11:00 pm; this was a very long day for everyone.
The hotel had two queen beds and my wife slept with my son and I slept with my daughter at their requests. It was a very simple thing and something I had not really thought about but the fact that my daughter wanted me to sleep with her and give her a feeling of security made me feel very good. Normally my daughter takes a while to fall asleep but not tonight she was asleep in seconds.
It was a very long day but a great day that was shared with my family. After departing my sister's house this morning we made a very long journey through the high plains of eastern Colorado and Kansas. There is so much undeveloped land in this part of the country I was amazed. We drove hundreds of miles without seeing any housing developments and any industries of any kinds. We drove through endless wheat and alfalfa fields but no commercial developments. This is a far cry from Southern California and New Jersey where there are endless residential and commercial developments. I saw a sign in Kansas along the freeway which was offering FREE land for an industrial development. There aren't any freebies to be had on either coast so I was simply amazed by how much raw land that is available in this part of the country.
The terrain throughout the 750 mile drive was of rolling hills. Not exactly an exciting drive and thank God we did this during the daylight because it would have been hypnotic at night. Kansas seemed to last forever but we finally reached our destination albeit a bit late but we got there without any problems. The children were great and we only made one stop for gas and lunch while driving for ten hours.
I have a great family and no matter how far apart we maybe in the coming months and years I know I have finally made the right decision by embracing my Recovery and as long I stay in recovery my life will be filled with so many blessings. I am so grateful to know there are so many blessings in my life starting with my family.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Last Day of Rest
Today is the last day before getting back on the road to New Jersey. The visit with my sister and her wonderful family is going great. She lives in a wonderful area and has two very special children. Thirteen years ago my sister made a decision to attend graduate school at the University of Denver and this decision not only proved brilliant; she hasn't left the Denver area since and met her fantastic husband.
She has a remarkable husband who loves her so very much and like I mentioned two very special young children. My sister's house is full of love and she is a great mother. She is not only a great mother but a great sister to me. We have always had a very good relationship but somewhere over the past sixteen months in spite of my "situation" our relationship has gotten better. She is one of those wonderful blessings I have in my life.
I am so happy I have been given this "bonus time" to share this trip with my family and to spend quality time with some very special people. There are so many very special people in my life that have been there but I took them for granted over the years. Now there are also some very special people who have come into to my life very recently and I am forever grateful for all of these blessings.
My recovery Program has taught me so very much and one of those things is to NOT take anything for granted. I try each and every day NOT to take anything for granted because each day is a gift. I have been given a very special gift in our trip across country. Yes, the circumstances surrounding the trip are not the greatest and yes, I caused this mess. However; I am trying everything in my power to get better and to recover from my horrible compulsive gambling addiction. I know I am on the right road to recovery because I have so many people who have stood by me through this very trying time.
I know my life will be forever changed in the next two weeks but the only change will be the loss of my freedom. My life was forever changed when I entered my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting and started to work the Program. My life will continue to get better as long as I work the Program. My life will collapse if I stop working the Program and my life will cease to exist.
I don't want this to happen; even though my freedom will be taken away from me very soon I know I have gotten my life and when my freedom is restored in whatever period of time the judge deems appropriate I know life will be significantly better than it ever has been. However; the only way it can continue to get better is if I work my recovery Program to the best of my ability and I intend to keep doing this one day at a time.
Today we had a great time at local park watching the children play with one another. Afterwards my sister was kind enough to purchase a "Colorado" style pizza. As an aside; for those of you who know me know I don't go nuts about food in fact I am an extraordinarily picky eater and I am a vegetarian. I do have some downfalls when it comes to food and pizza is one of them. The "Colorado" style pizza is one of my all-time favorite foods and each time I have come to visit my sister we seem to have this pizza. Today was no exception; I don't know whether it is the mozzarella cheese or the "mountain" (thick) crust but this pizza is great. I savored every minute of the pizza it truly was a very simple pleasure which I am so very happy to have experienced once again.
My sister was such a great hostess on this trip and I love her very much. I know she is in the right place and I am so very happy for her. She is a great person and I thank her so very much for a wonderful stay.
She has a remarkable husband who loves her so very much and like I mentioned two very special young children. My sister's house is full of love and she is a great mother. She is not only a great mother but a great sister to me. We have always had a very good relationship but somewhere over the past sixteen months in spite of my "situation" our relationship has gotten better. She is one of those wonderful blessings I have in my life.
I am so happy I have been given this "bonus time" to share this trip with my family and to spend quality time with some very special people. There are so many very special people in my life that have been there but I took them for granted over the years. Now there are also some very special people who have come into to my life very recently and I am forever grateful for all of these blessings.
My recovery Program has taught me so very much and one of those things is to NOT take anything for granted. I try each and every day NOT to take anything for granted because each day is a gift. I have been given a very special gift in our trip across country. Yes, the circumstances surrounding the trip are not the greatest and yes, I caused this mess. However; I am trying everything in my power to get better and to recover from my horrible compulsive gambling addiction. I know I am on the right road to recovery because I have so many people who have stood by me through this very trying time.
I know my life will be forever changed in the next two weeks but the only change will be the loss of my freedom. My life was forever changed when I entered my first Gamblers Anonymous meeting and started to work the Program. My life will continue to get better as long as I work the Program. My life will collapse if I stop working the Program and my life will cease to exist.
I don't want this to happen; even though my freedom will be taken away from me very soon I know I have gotten my life and when my freedom is restored in whatever period of time the judge deems appropriate I know life will be significantly better than it ever has been. However; the only way it can continue to get better is if I work my recovery Program to the best of my ability and I intend to keep doing this one day at a time.
Today we had a great time at local park watching the children play with one another. Afterwards my sister was kind enough to purchase a "Colorado" style pizza. As an aside; for those of you who know me know I don't go nuts about food in fact I am an extraordinarily picky eater and I am a vegetarian. I do have some downfalls when it comes to food and pizza is one of them. The "Colorado" style pizza is one of my all-time favorite foods and each time I have come to visit my sister we seem to have this pizza. Today was no exception; I don't know whether it is the mozzarella cheese or the "mountain" (thick) crust but this pizza is great. I savored every minute of the pizza it truly was a very simple pleasure which I am so very happy to have experienced once again.
My sister was such a great hostess on this trip and I love her very much. I know she is in the right place and I am so very happy for her. She is a great person and I thank her so very much for a wonderful stay.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Gamblers Anonymous Meeting
First off I must congratulate my brother and sister-in-law on the birth of their first baby. Tyler Dennis was born June 26th at 11:35 pm Eastern Time; weighed 7 pounds 7 ounces and is 21 inches long. Mom and baby are doing fine and we can't wait to see the new baby.
This marks day four of our cross country adventure. We have stopped in Denver to visit my sister and her family and today was a decompression day for all of us. After being in the car for 12 hours yesterday we all needed this day. When we arrived at my sister's house after 11:00 pm we unpacked the car and we all went to sleep around midnight. All of us including me slept very well. In fact my head hit the pillow and the next thing I knew it was 7:30 in the morning. We were all exhausted and we needed this day so very badly. I do know we have about 25 hours of driving in front of us but we will take three days to accomplish this; there really is no rush so our drive will be bit more relaxed when we leave on Thursday.
Today we had a great visit with my sister and her family. My sister has two children; a 4 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. My nephew is almost exactly one year younger than my son and it is always "interesting" to see how they interact with one another. Today was a great day for the boys because they played so well together. Even though my nephew is one year younger than my son there is a fairly significant height and weight difference. My nephew weighs about 25 pounds less than my son and is head shorter but that doesn't matter to the boys. My nephew was following around my son all day long and my son was cherishing every minute. There is enough toys to keep them occupied and the weather is great so we took a long walk and went to the park where they played very well.
My eight year old daughter loves her cousins. She has four "girl" cousins and only one of them is very close in age to her but more on that next week when she pals around with her "best friend" in New Jersey. My daughter has two just about two year old girl cousins and she loves them so very much. My daughter is like a mother hen when she is with her younger girl cousins. She plays marvelously with her two year old cousin. She read her books; played with her extensively at the park and basically watched over her all day long. She has a great maternal instinct but this maternal instinct only seems to apply to her girls which is okay. They had a great time laughing and giggling all day long.
It was a fabulous day and to top it all off I got to attend a Gamblers Anonymous meeting here in Colorado. As "fate" would have it all as I like to say now as my "Higher Power" keeps watch over me there are two significant people who are associated with my sister and her family who are also in the Program. When they heard I was coming to visit they gave my sister a GA meeting schedule and told her if I wanted to go to a meeting they would be happy to take me. I wanted to go to a meeting because going to meetings and truly working the Program is one of the keys to my recovery so of course I said yes and chose tonight to go to a meeting.
I had someone who is very near and dear to my sister's family pick me up at my sister's house and take me to the meeting. We had met a few years ago and they knew all about my situation. We made small talk on the way to the meeting which was only a 20 minute drive. I was very anxious to see how a GA meeting operated outside of my little area and now I had the chance. Also; I needed to get to a meeting because my last meeting was a week ago Wednesday so I was definitely due.
We arrived at the church where the meeting was held a few minutes early and continued our conversation. When we arrived in the room there were only two members but again the meeting was not going to start for another ten minutes so it was still early. As we walked in the room the immediately saw the very familiar reading materials laid out neatly around the table. The yellow "combo" books were prominently displayed along with all of the other GA materials.
As it approached 7:00 pm more and more people came into the room and although I had never met anyone other than the person who brought me I felt a familiar connection. By the time the meeting started there were 19 people in attendance and all men except for one lone woman. This is a different make-up than we have back in my "home meeting" where the woman sometimes outnumber the man. I was told that there is a regular women's group which meets in the same room on Monday nights so attendance for women is usually sparse at the Tuesday night meeting.
The room was fairly large and somewhat comfortable. We sat at a round table where we combined four tables and sat in a circle. The meeting started a little differently than my other meetings with the serenity prayer and then we read certain sections of the yellow combo book even though there was a new member in attendance. We (I am sorry about the comparisons and please I am inferring one way is better than another I am just pointing out the differences) usually read the entire combo book when a new member is in attendance but they did not and I found out the reason later on in the meeting.
After reading we started the "sharing" or therapy portion and went around the room. I listened intently to each person and even though this was a room of strangers I was connected to each one. There stories maybe a little different than mine but the underlying theme is exactly the same; we are powerless to gambling and made our lives unmanageable and now we are trying to get our lives back. I have found the only way to get my life back is to constantly work the Program and tonight I was working the Program.
At about 8:00 pm we took a break and I spoke with other members. There was a new member in attendance and hopefully this new member comes back because they will never have to feel the way they feel tonight if they embrace the Program. We resumed sharing and I was the next to last to share. I tried to keep my story brief because what matters most to me is that I am in a place where I CAN recover from this baffling insidious addiction. Before attending GA I didn't know how to recover from my addiction and through the grace of God and GA I certainly know how.
The meeting ended at 9:10 pm and yes, it was a two hour and ten minute meeting but that didn't matter. What matters to me is attending meetings and working the Program. I saw the Program work with people I have never met before. In attendance at the meeting was someone with almost 25 years of recovery and this person is an inspiration to me as well as the member with 2 hours of recovery. They are both trying to make their lives better and I know as long as I stay connected to GA my recovery will stay on the correct path.
Here I am over 1,000 miles away from home; in a somewhat strange place but I felt great because as is always the case I feel so much better after attending a meeting. On our drive home my friend was very talkative and I noticed a big change in their demeanor from before the meeting. We talked and talked the entire 20 minute drive and time flew by. My friend came in the house to say hello to my sister and I thanked them for making time for me and taking me to the meeting. It meant a great deal to me and it was a fabulous day.
This marks day four of our cross country adventure. We have stopped in Denver to visit my sister and her family and today was a decompression day for all of us. After being in the car for 12 hours yesterday we all needed this day. When we arrived at my sister's house after 11:00 pm we unpacked the car and we all went to sleep around midnight. All of us including me slept very well. In fact my head hit the pillow and the next thing I knew it was 7:30 in the morning. We were all exhausted and we needed this day so very badly. I do know we have about 25 hours of driving in front of us but we will take three days to accomplish this; there really is no rush so our drive will be bit more relaxed when we leave on Thursday.
Today we had a great visit with my sister and her family. My sister has two children; a 4 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. My nephew is almost exactly one year younger than my son and it is always "interesting" to see how they interact with one another. Today was a great day for the boys because they played so well together. Even though my nephew is one year younger than my son there is a fairly significant height and weight difference. My nephew weighs about 25 pounds less than my son and is head shorter but that doesn't matter to the boys. My nephew was following around my son all day long and my son was cherishing every minute. There is enough toys to keep them occupied and the weather is great so we took a long walk and went to the park where they played very well.
My eight year old daughter loves her cousins. She has four "girl" cousins and only one of them is very close in age to her but more on that next week when she pals around with her "best friend" in New Jersey. My daughter has two just about two year old girl cousins and she loves them so very much. My daughter is like a mother hen when she is with her younger girl cousins. She plays marvelously with her two year old cousin. She read her books; played with her extensively at the park and basically watched over her all day long. She has a great maternal instinct but this maternal instinct only seems to apply to her girls which is okay. They had a great time laughing and giggling all day long.
It was a fabulous day and to top it all off I got to attend a Gamblers Anonymous meeting here in Colorado. As "fate" would have it all as I like to say now as my "Higher Power" keeps watch over me there are two significant people who are associated with my sister and her family who are also in the Program. When they heard I was coming to visit they gave my sister a GA meeting schedule and told her if I wanted to go to a meeting they would be happy to take me. I wanted to go to a meeting because going to meetings and truly working the Program is one of the keys to my recovery so of course I said yes and chose tonight to go to a meeting.
I had someone who is very near and dear to my sister's family pick me up at my sister's house and take me to the meeting. We had met a few years ago and they knew all about my situation. We made small talk on the way to the meeting which was only a 20 minute drive. I was very anxious to see how a GA meeting operated outside of my little area and now I had the chance. Also; I needed to get to a meeting because my last meeting was a week ago Wednesday so I was definitely due.
We arrived at the church where the meeting was held a few minutes early and continued our conversation. When we arrived in the room there were only two members but again the meeting was not going to start for another ten minutes so it was still early. As we walked in the room the immediately saw the very familiar reading materials laid out neatly around the table. The yellow "combo" books were prominently displayed along with all of the other GA materials.
As it approached 7:00 pm more and more people came into the room and although I had never met anyone other than the person who brought me I felt a familiar connection. By the time the meeting started there were 19 people in attendance and all men except for one lone woman. This is a different make-up than we have back in my "home meeting" where the woman sometimes outnumber the man. I was told that there is a regular women's group which meets in the same room on Monday nights so attendance for women is usually sparse at the Tuesday night meeting.
The room was fairly large and somewhat comfortable. We sat at a round table where we combined four tables and sat in a circle. The meeting started a little differently than my other meetings with the serenity prayer and then we read certain sections of the yellow combo book even though there was a new member in attendance. We (I am sorry about the comparisons and please I am inferring one way is better than another I am just pointing out the differences) usually read the entire combo book when a new member is in attendance but they did not and I found out the reason later on in the meeting.
After reading we started the "sharing" or therapy portion and went around the room. I listened intently to each person and even though this was a room of strangers I was connected to each one. There stories maybe a little different than mine but the underlying theme is exactly the same; we are powerless to gambling and made our lives unmanageable and now we are trying to get our lives back. I have found the only way to get my life back is to constantly work the Program and tonight I was working the Program.
At about 8:00 pm we took a break and I spoke with other members. There was a new member in attendance and hopefully this new member comes back because they will never have to feel the way they feel tonight if they embrace the Program. We resumed sharing and I was the next to last to share. I tried to keep my story brief because what matters most to me is that I am in a place where I CAN recover from this baffling insidious addiction. Before attending GA I didn't know how to recover from my addiction and through the grace of God and GA I certainly know how.
The meeting ended at 9:10 pm and yes, it was a two hour and ten minute meeting but that didn't matter. What matters to me is attending meetings and working the Program. I saw the Program work with people I have never met before. In attendance at the meeting was someone with almost 25 years of recovery and this person is an inspiration to me as well as the member with 2 hours of recovery. They are both trying to make their lives better and I know as long as I stay connected to GA my recovery will stay on the correct path.
Here I am over 1,000 miles away from home; in a somewhat strange place but I felt great because as is always the case I feel so much better after attending a meeting. On our drive home my friend was very talkative and I noticed a big change in their demeanor from before the meeting. We talked and talked the entire 20 minute drive and time flew by. My friend came in the house to say hello to my sister and I thanked them for making time for me and taking me to the meeting. It meant a great deal to me and it was a fabulous day.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Day Three of Our Adventure
This morning started out with a "so long" to two very dear long time friends. Early this morning I wanted to ensure I was going to workout before our long drive to Denver. I woke up around 5:00 am and I knew one of my dear friends would be awake at this hour because they were departing the house early as well. I wanted to say "so long" to this dear friend. I don't like "good-byes" because they seem so permanent and no matter what happens in two and half weeks it won't be permanent. It will be a temporary freeze on my freedoms which means I may not get to see some of my dear friends for awhile. However; I do know I will get to see them again as long as I continue doing the things I have been doing in my recovery. If I stop my recovery for whatever "excuse" all of the wonderful beautiful blessed things in my life go away. I don't want this to happen which is why I work my recovery Program each and everyday.
Last night I said "so long" to another dear friend and I would like to thank this friend for teaching me the true meaning of the word friend. They have been great throughout this horrible ordeal which I created and they could have turned their back on me. However; they did not and I am forever grateful for this wonderful blessed friendship.
Today as I bid another dear friend "so long" I thought about the word friend and I have discovered through so many people what this word truly means. This dear old friend whom I have known for close to thirty years has been an inspiration to me because no matter what happens in life they did not judge. I have always been the same old "Pablo". Yes, I did some very bad things for which I will be punished; however; I have also done some very positive things which will stay with me the rest of my life and these things have made and will continue to make my life better each and everyday.
We spoke for awhile early this morning and my dear friend wished me well. It really is a very difficult conversation for both parties involved; however; knowing I have so many true great friends who do believe in me gives me so much courage and strength that I am on the right road to recovery.
We finally said our "so longs" and off we went on our separated ways. As we were talking we both realized I have come full circle with my moving and also my compulsive gambling addiction. As for the moving; when my family and me moved from Las Vegas to Southern California we stayed at this same house with our two dear friends some five years ago. Now we were heading east so I can get my family situated before I go "away". Also; these two dear friends were the reason I moved to Las Vegas some 12 and 1/2 years ago. I fell in love with the "residential" Las Vegas and I was always drawn to the gambling/gaming. I thought it would be a great idea to work for the gaming companies but unfortunately working for the gaming industry only proved more fuel for my compulsive gambling addiction.
I tried to fight my addiction for so long by myself to no avail and yes, it certainly got the best of me. I know I cannot do this by myself and I don't have to because I have found a program called Gamblers Anonymous that will help me as long as I work their Program not mine. Yes, my gambling addiction got the best of me but I am slowly getting my life back and as long as I continue getting my life back by working the Program I know things will continue to get better.
I could say I have many regrets and yes, I do but I will not dwell on those regrets because that will not help me in my recovery. What helps me in my recovery is facing each day with honesty, integrity, open-mindness and willingness to do the right thing. I am finally making the right choices thanks to the GA Program and thanks to my remarkable friends and family.
We finally loaded up the car (again!) around 10:00 am and said "so long" to our other old dear friend. This friend has also inspired me and I so look up to this person because they live their life with so much integrity and honesty. As we left our dear friends home in Las Vegas I had a small tear in my eye but I look forward to each day with a renewed eagerness because each day is truly a gift. The gift today was driving with my wife and children from our dear friends' house in Las Vegas to my incredible younger sister's home in Denver.
Yes, we departed being schedule but that is certainly to be expected. I knew today would be a long day of driving and probably the worst day of the entire trip across country; but we did make it to my sisters house at 11:00 pm Mountain Time. We spent 12 hours in the car counting the two stops we made for gas and dinner. The drive was very uneventful which is always good and we did make great time. The children were fantastic and didn't complain one bit. They watched their movies, colored, played with their electronics games and listened to their CD's. They were great and if today was the worst day of our trip we our going to have an outstanding time driving across this great country of ours.
We drive through four states; Nevada, Arizona (I always forget about this one because it only last for 15 miles) Utah, and Colorado. There is an 80 mile stretch in eastern Utah which is breathtaking. There are canyons, rocks, arroyos of so many different colors I felt like I was on the moon. There are no houses, no trees and certainly no people during this stretch. God truly did an outstanding job when he created this piece of land. I have driven through this on three separate occasions and each time I am awed by the scenery. It truly appreciate the power of our great country side and I am so happy to have been given this time to experience more blessings.
We were all very tired and after unpacking the mini-van we all headed off to bed. I know for me and it appeared this same way for the rest of my family; when my head hit the pillow I was fast asleep. It was great to see my sister and her family on our trip. We will be here for the next few days and we will be departing on our next leg of the journey on Thursday morning.
Finally, one quick fact about our trip from Las Vegas to Denver. The temperature hit 106 degrees in the desert between Las Vegas and Mesquite, Nevada. As we drove through the Rockie Mountains the temperature dropped to 41 degrees at the Vail Summit which is around 10,000 feet above sea level. This is a drop of 65 degrees in one day. This is an amazing country and we are truly on an amazing trip across the United States. My life is filled with incredible blessings and this trip is certainly one of them.
Last night I said "so long" to another dear friend and I would like to thank this friend for teaching me the true meaning of the word friend. They have been great throughout this horrible ordeal which I created and they could have turned their back on me. However; they did not and I am forever grateful for this wonderful blessed friendship.
Today as I bid another dear friend "so long" I thought about the word friend and I have discovered through so many people what this word truly means. This dear old friend whom I have known for close to thirty years has been an inspiration to me because no matter what happens in life they did not judge. I have always been the same old "Pablo". Yes, I did some very bad things for which I will be punished; however; I have also done some very positive things which will stay with me the rest of my life and these things have made and will continue to make my life better each and everyday.
We spoke for awhile early this morning and my dear friend wished me well. It really is a very difficult conversation for both parties involved; however; knowing I have so many true great friends who do believe in me gives me so much courage and strength that I am on the right road to recovery.
We finally said our "so longs" and off we went on our separated ways. As we were talking we both realized I have come full circle with my moving and also my compulsive gambling addiction. As for the moving; when my family and me moved from Las Vegas to Southern California we stayed at this same house with our two dear friends some five years ago. Now we were heading east so I can get my family situated before I go "away". Also; these two dear friends were the reason I moved to Las Vegas some 12 and 1/2 years ago. I fell in love with the "residential" Las Vegas and I was always drawn to the gambling/gaming. I thought it would be a great idea to work for the gaming companies but unfortunately working for the gaming industry only proved more fuel for my compulsive gambling addiction.
I tried to fight my addiction for so long by myself to no avail and yes, it certainly got the best of me. I know I cannot do this by myself and I don't have to because I have found a program called Gamblers Anonymous that will help me as long as I work their Program not mine. Yes, my gambling addiction got the best of me but I am slowly getting my life back and as long as I continue getting my life back by working the Program I know things will continue to get better.
I could say I have many regrets and yes, I do but I will not dwell on those regrets because that will not help me in my recovery. What helps me in my recovery is facing each day with honesty, integrity, open-mindness and willingness to do the right thing. I am finally making the right choices thanks to the GA Program and thanks to my remarkable friends and family.
We finally loaded up the car (again!) around 10:00 am and said "so long" to our other old dear friend. This friend has also inspired me and I so look up to this person because they live their life with so much integrity and honesty. As we left our dear friends home in Las Vegas I had a small tear in my eye but I look forward to each day with a renewed eagerness because each day is truly a gift. The gift today was driving with my wife and children from our dear friends' house in Las Vegas to my incredible younger sister's home in Denver.
Yes, we departed being schedule but that is certainly to be expected. I knew today would be a long day of driving and probably the worst day of the entire trip across country; but we did make it to my sisters house at 11:00 pm Mountain Time. We spent 12 hours in the car counting the two stops we made for gas and dinner. The drive was very uneventful which is always good and we did make great time. The children were fantastic and didn't complain one bit. They watched their movies, colored, played with their electronics games and listened to their CD's. They were great and if today was the worst day of our trip we our going to have an outstanding time driving across this great country of ours.
We drive through four states; Nevada, Arizona (I always forget about this one because it only last for 15 miles) Utah, and Colorado. There is an 80 mile stretch in eastern Utah which is breathtaking. There are canyons, rocks, arroyos of so many different colors I felt like I was on the moon. There are no houses, no trees and certainly no people during this stretch. God truly did an outstanding job when he created this piece of land. I have driven through this on three separate occasions and each time I am awed by the scenery. It truly appreciate the power of our great country side and I am so happy to have been given this time to experience more blessings.
We were all very tired and after unpacking the mini-van we all headed off to bed. I know for me and it appeared this same way for the rest of my family; when my head hit the pillow I was fast asleep. It was great to see my sister and her family on our trip. We will be here for the next few days and we will be departing on our next leg of the journey on Thursday morning.
Finally, one quick fact about our trip from Las Vegas to Denver. The temperature hit 106 degrees in the desert between Las Vegas and Mesquite, Nevada. As we drove through the Rockie Mountains the temperature dropped to 41 degrees at the Vail Summit which is around 10,000 feet above sea level. This is a drop of 65 degrees in one day. This is an amazing country and we are truly on an amazing trip across the United States. My life is filled with incredible blessings and this trip is certainly one of them.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Day Two of our Adventure
Today marked day two of our family adventure across the United States. Yesterday we finally embarked on our journey from Southern California to New Jersey. Today was a day of relaxing with some great dear friends. This morning I had the pleasure of playing golf with a very good long time friend at a place we used to play regularly when I used to live here in Las Vegas. It was a typical summer day in the desert with the temperature reaching a "balmy" 105 degrees with 8% humidity.
Yes, we played golf in this type of weather which wasn't anything out of the normal for us. We have played in hotter conditions before but this was the first time in a long time for me playing in these conditions. I moved out of Las Vegas almost five years ago because of a great career opportunity. We all know what I did with that great career opportunity but through all of my turmoil I have maintained some great friends and today I was able to spend most of the day with one of these great friends. Even though my friend had just arrived from Hawaii early this morning he still wanted to play golf with me. This maybe the last time in a long time that I will be available for gold so I was very grateful to have this opportunity.
My friend is a much better golfer than me and it has been the rare occasion where my score has been better than his score and today was one of those days. I believe it was the combination of the early arrival from Hawaii and the heat which greatly affected my friend but through it all my friend toughed it out and made the full 18 holes; thank you so very much for an enjoyable round of golf. It was enjoyable because I got to spend a few hours with someone I consider a true friend; it wasn't the golf or the golf course and it certainly wasn't the heat it was the camaraderie which I will be forever grateful. I did shoot my best round at this course even though I somewhat melted on the final few holes and yes, it was a great day.
The great day continued when I went back to where we were staying which is another dear friends' house. I was able to jump in their swimming pool with my children for a few hours before going back over my friend's (whom I played golf with earlier) house for a great dinner barbecue and some more swimming. We had a lovely afternoon and evening; the children had fun; they swam; played on a water slide and ate some wonderful food. This was a fabulous way to spend a Sunday.
We returned home to our friends' house and when we got home our friends were not home. My wife put the key in the door and as we entered the house their home alarm went off. I did not know how to deactivate the alarm so it blared for ten minutes. My children especially my daughter is very sensitive to loud sounds. She started crying because she was very scared. I took both of my children outside because the sound was muffled by the house. However; my son got so nervous from the alarm he threw up on the walkway outside of our friends' house. He is fine and it was his nerves from the alarm. Finally the alarm stopped and we entered the house once again.
We finally got the children settled and was ready to give my daughter a shower when the alarm started all of again. Apparently my wife went out the back door and set of the alarm. We had to go through the fear and trauma cycle once again but than God the alarm only lasted 3 minutes. Then our friends came home and all was once again great with my children.
I have great kids and they are so very sensitive to outside influences which is why it is so hard to let them go. My children had nothing to do with what I will be sentenced for next month which is why it is so important I really be with them for as long as I have the time because I won't have this time in the coming months.
Tomorrow will be a very interesting day because it will be our longest driving day of the entire trip. We would like to make it to my sister's house in Denver for tomorrow night where we will stay a few days as our second stop on our trip. So far it feels so very good; the only regret I have is not being able to make GA meeting here in Las Vegas. My life has lost its balance which I am trying to regain with the help of Gamblers Anonymous Program.
I wanted to spend a great deal of time with my family and friends which is why it was unfortunate I could not make today's meeting. I have checked the schedule and I know I am attending a GA meeting in New Jersey next Sunday followed by one more GA meeting that particular week. I know I will find that balance my life has lacked for so long now but I know I am on the right path to recovery.
Yes, we played golf in this type of weather which wasn't anything out of the normal for us. We have played in hotter conditions before but this was the first time in a long time for me playing in these conditions. I moved out of Las Vegas almost five years ago because of a great career opportunity. We all know what I did with that great career opportunity but through all of my turmoil I have maintained some great friends and today I was able to spend most of the day with one of these great friends. Even though my friend had just arrived from Hawaii early this morning he still wanted to play golf with me. This maybe the last time in a long time that I will be available for gold so I was very grateful to have this opportunity.
My friend is a much better golfer than me and it has been the rare occasion where my score has been better than his score and today was one of those days. I believe it was the combination of the early arrival from Hawaii and the heat which greatly affected my friend but through it all my friend toughed it out and made the full 18 holes; thank you so very much for an enjoyable round of golf. It was enjoyable because I got to spend a few hours with someone I consider a true friend; it wasn't the golf or the golf course and it certainly wasn't the heat it was the camaraderie which I will be forever grateful. I did shoot my best round at this course even though I somewhat melted on the final few holes and yes, it was a great day.
The great day continued when I went back to where we were staying which is another dear friends' house. I was able to jump in their swimming pool with my children for a few hours before going back over my friend's (whom I played golf with earlier) house for a great dinner barbecue and some more swimming. We had a lovely afternoon and evening; the children had fun; they swam; played on a water slide and ate some wonderful food. This was a fabulous way to spend a Sunday.
We returned home to our friends' house and when we got home our friends were not home. My wife put the key in the door and as we entered the house their home alarm went off. I did not know how to deactivate the alarm so it blared for ten minutes. My children especially my daughter is very sensitive to loud sounds. She started crying because she was very scared. I took both of my children outside because the sound was muffled by the house. However; my son got so nervous from the alarm he threw up on the walkway outside of our friends' house. He is fine and it was his nerves from the alarm. Finally the alarm stopped and we entered the house once again.
We finally got the children settled and was ready to give my daughter a shower when the alarm started all of again. Apparently my wife went out the back door and set of the alarm. We had to go through the fear and trauma cycle once again but than God the alarm only lasted 3 minutes. Then our friends came home and all was once again great with my children.
I have great kids and they are so very sensitive to outside influences which is why it is so hard to let them go. My children had nothing to do with what I will be sentenced for next month which is why it is so important I really be with them for as long as I have the time because I won't have this time in the coming months.
Tomorrow will be a very interesting day because it will be our longest driving day of the entire trip. We would like to make it to my sister's house in Denver for tomorrow night where we will stay a few days as our second stop on our trip. So far it feels so very good; the only regret I have is not being able to make GA meeting here in Las Vegas. My life has lost its balance which I am trying to regain with the help of Gamblers Anonymous Program.
I wanted to spend a great deal of time with my family and friends which is why it was unfortunate I could not make today's meeting. I have checked the schedule and I know I am attending a GA meeting in New Jersey next Sunday followed by one more GA meeting that particular week. I know I will find that balance my life has lacked for so long now but I know I am on the right path to recovery.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Finally a Departure
After four full days of boxing and moving the contents of our house into several different storage areas we finally departed for our cross country adventure. We spent the night at an exceptionally (above and beyond) dear friend's house. I slept on the couch and my wife slept in a bed while my daughter and her friend slept nearby on the floor in a sleeping bag. My sleep was very sound for the first three hours because I was beat but after sleeping only three hours my mind didn't want to stay asleep. My mind was focusing on finishing the move and getting on the road. I laid there for a few hours but decided it was best to get another early start.
Our dear friends were up at an early hour as they usually are so I didn't wake anyone in fact they were being extremely polite as I laid on the couch. I did get up, got dressed spoke with our great friends briefly and headed over to the house for what I hoped would be the final time. I went through all the closets and threw out so many hangars I needed three very large garbage bags. I tried to arrange everything in an organized manner to see what still needed to go to storage and what we were taking on our trip.
I did the best I could but I had to wait for my wife to come back over because I didn't want to do anything wrong (God knows I have done enough wrong so I am thinking discretion is the best part of valor). I went back over our friends house to pick up my wife so we could finish packing the house. I loaded up the mini-van for the 20th time with a load of miscellaneous items which needed to be stored in our friend's garage. After doing this I had a few errands to run and when I returned I swept out the garage and made sure everything had been accounted for and nothing was left behind.
My wife stayed behind and organized what was left much better than I did. However; my wife wanted to bring a few too many items with us on our trip so we had a friend (yes, the same exceptionally dear friend we stayed with last night) take a few more items to their garage. For those of you keeping score at home we have two storage facilities filled with our "stuff" and three dear friend's garages filled with our "stuff". Also; please keep in mind we sold, donated and threw out many other items that didn't make it to storage. To say we had a great deal of "stuff" would be understatement.
I finally packed or rather "stuffed" the mini-van with our suitcases and other "necessities" for our cross country journey. I did leave room for the children to sit and even my wife had a small amount of leg space. We finally got on the road at 2:40 pm Pacific Time and made a non-stop trip to our great friends' house in Las Vegas. We made excellent time because there was no one on the road and we didn't make one "potty" stop. We arrived at our friends' home at 6:15 pm and the trip really did go fast.
I know this is the first very short leg of a very long trip but it has certainly started out very well. The children behaved; they watched two movies and even my son did lose his attention span until we were well into the third hour of the trip. All in all a very good start.
I need to back track for a second. As we were departing; my daughter said good-bye to her very good friend and seeing the reaction on my daughter's friend's face made my heart go down a few feet. My daughter's friend was genuinely sad to see my daughter leave and this made me feel terrible because this is all my fault. There I have said it and I am sure it won't be the last time but I won't dwell on it.
I know there is a grand plan for me and my family but seeing such a sad face on such a young lady really made me take a pause. I don't know how many times I will apologize but those are empty words. I am relying on actions not my words. I must stay in the now not the past and not the future the now. The now is the most important aspect of my life and thank God I have found a Program in the Gamblers Anonymous Program that keeps me focused on the now. It is so important that I enjoy all the "nows" because if I don't there won't be any "later."
Finally here are two more stories but this time they are centered around "recovery". Yes, there is a recovery to this horrible baffling insidious addiction and I thank God every day I have found it. The first story is about a recovery program solely for compulsive/pathological gamblers. The second story is focused on the one of the horrible consequences of compulsive gambling which is suicide. This is not the answer because no matter how bad things are due to gambling they will always get better in recovery. The will always get worse if me as the compulsive gambler continues to gamble but as I have seen in the past almost 16 months life does get much better.
Our dear friends were up at an early hour as they usually are so I didn't wake anyone in fact they were being extremely polite as I laid on the couch. I did get up, got dressed spoke with our great friends briefly and headed over to the house for what I hoped would be the final time. I went through all the closets and threw out so many hangars I needed three very large garbage bags. I tried to arrange everything in an organized manner to see what still needed to go to storage and what we were taking on our trip.
I did the best I could but I had to wait for my wife to come back over because I didn't want to do anything wrong (God knows I have done enough wrong so I am thinking discretion is the best part of valor). I went back over our friends house to pick up my wife so we could finish packing the house. I loaded up the mini-van for the 20th time with a load of miscellaneous items which needed to be stored in our friend's garage. After doing this I had a few errands to run and when I returned I swept out the garage and made sure everything had been accounted for and nothing was left behind.
My wife stayed behind and organized what was left much better than I did. However; my wife wanted to bring a few too many items with us on our trip so we had a friend (yes, the same exceptionally dear friend we stayed with last night) take a few more items to their garage. For those of you keeping score at home we have two storage facilities filled with our "stuff" and three dear friend's garages filled with our "stuff". Also; please keep in mind we sold, donated and threw out many other items that didn't make it to storage. To say we had a great deal of "stuff" would be understatement.
I finally packed or rather "stuffed" the mini-van with our suitcases and other "necessities" for our cross country journey. I did leave room for the children to sit and even my wife had a small amount of leg space. We finally got on the road at 2:40 pm Pacific Time and made a non-stop trip to our great friends' house in Las Vegas. We made excellent time because there was no one on the road and we didn't make one "potty" stop. We arrived at our friends' home at 6:15 pm and the trip really did go fast.
I know this is the first very short leg of a very long trip but it has certainly started out very well. The children behaved; they watched two movies and even my son did lose his attention span until we were well into the third hour of the trip. All in all a very good start.
I need to back track for a second. As we were departing; my daughter said good-bye to her very good friend and seeing the reaction on my daughter's friend's face made my heart go down a few feet. My daughter's friend was genuinely sad to see my daughter leave and this made me feel terrible because this is all my fault. There I have said it and I am sure it won't be the last time but I won't dwell on it.
I know there is a grand plan for me and my family but seeing such a sad face on such a young lady really made me take a pause. I don't know how many times I will apologize but those are empty words. I am relying on actions not my words. I must stay in the now not the past and not the future the now. The now is the most important aspect of my life and thank God I have found a Program in the Gamblers Anonymous Program that keeps me focused on the now. It is so important that I enjoy all the "nows" because if I don't there won't be any "later."
Finally here are two more stories but this time they are centered around "recovery". Yes, there is a recovery to this horrible baffling insidious addiction and I thank God every day I have found it. The first story is about a recovery program solely for compulsive/pathological gamblers. The second story is focused on the one of the horrible consequences of compulsive gambling which is suicide. This is not the answer because no matter how bad things are due to gambling they will always get better in recovery. The will always get worse if me as the compulsive gambler continues to gamble but as I have seen in the past almost 16 months life does get much better.
Friday, June 23, 2006
Not Quite on the Road
I was hoping against hope that we would be able to finish the move today and be on the road to the East Coast. However; that didn't happen and it really doesn't matter. What matter most is that we have everything safely stored in our three locations and we as a family embark on this cross country experience together.
Yes, last night was a difficult night as my wife and I laid in our bedroom for the last time and in addition to it being the last time in our house we were on the floor because all of the furniture had been moved earlier in the day. I was exhausted so I didn't have time to let my mind do its awful tricks and fell asleep fairly quickly. However; my son who was sleeping in his room for the final time was in his "special" sleeping bag. For the record it is a blow-up mattress which a tent attached; it really is very cool and my daughter has one as well.
My daughter's "tent" is a princess theme and by son's tent is a Spiderman theme. Sorry about the digression my son woke-up about 3:30 am and was startled by something. He was startled because his environment has changed but there will be many changes in the coming months so he will have to get used to them unfortunately.
He came into our bedroom and I did my best to comfort him and put him back in his "tent". He did fall back to sleep but for only two hours. He was back in our bedroom at around 6:00 am so I told him to grab a piece of the floor and lay next to me and he did. I laid there for a few minutes and decided it was time to get moving. I did want to complete everything today so I thought and early start would be a good idea and it really was.
Even though we didn't finish everything by this evening we got most of the things taken care of. Tomorrow we will drop off some things to Goodwill; pack up the car and head to (all places) Las Vegas to visit with two dear friends over the weekend. These are great old friends and they have accepted me with all my faults and I so enjoy their company.
Earlier today I had to meet the movers at the storage facility due to the mishap last night and that took up most of the morning. From there I went to one of our dear friend's garage and deposited more boxes while my wife stayed behind and tried to conquer the never ending packing. I swear it looked like we may never finish and sometimes I thought we were accumulating more items as the items were placed in the box. However; we did manage to get through the day and get most everything boxed up before we lost daylight.
I mention losing daylight because I scheduled to have the power transferred out of my name today and low and behold all of the power was shut off around 10:00 am. I was hoping to get a few more hours but that was not the case and the fact that it was close to 100 degrees outside didn't make matters much better; however; in spite of the few obstacles we did get it done with a great deal of sweat and minimal negativity. Even the children were troopers; they managed to entertain themselves and even pitched in a few times.
I loaded up the mini-van with more boxes this evening and drove them to our other dear friend's garage. By this time daylight had subsided and my wife and children were going over to yet another dear friend's home where the air conditioner works great!!! This is where I am right now and their couch which is where I will be sleeping looks great!! Tomorrow morning my wife and I will drive over to the house for the final time; load up the mini-van for a run to Goodwill and after that load up the car for our journey. Hopefully; God willing we will be on the road by mid-morning.
Yes, it really has been a trying time but my wife has been great; the children have been wonderful and we have so many dear friends here it really is so very hard to leave. Everyone has been beyond great and I have been touched by so many wonderful people that I will be forever grateful for their unbelievable kindness and generosity; thank you so very much.
Finally here are two very good stories about compulsive gambling. The first one deals with the horrible consequences a compulsive gambler must face when the compulsive gambling takes over one's life much like it did mine. The second story is very well written and hopefully there is some one out there who is thinking about getting help for their compulsive gamblng addiciton and this story can help anyone who wants help.
Yes, last night was a difficult night as my wife and I laid in our bedroom for the last time and in addition to it being the last time in our house we were on the floor because all of the furniture had been moved earlier in the day. I was exhausted so I didn't have time to let my mind do its awful tricks and fell asleep fairly quickly. However; my son who was sleeping in his room for the final time was in his "special" sleeping bag. For the record it is a blow-up mattress which a tent attached; it really is very cool and my daughter has one as well.
My daughter's "tent" is a princess theme and by son's tent is a Spiderman theme. Sorry about the digression my son woke-up about 3:30 am and was startled by something. He was startled because his environment has changed but there will be many changes in the coming months so he will have to get used to them unfortunately.
He came into our bedroom and I did my best to comfort him and put him back in his "tent". He did fall back to sleep but for only two hours. He was back in our bedroom at around 6:00 am so I told him to grab a piece of the floor and lay next to me and he did. I laid there for a few minutes and decided it was time to get moving. I did want to complete everything today so I thought and early start would be a good idea and it really was.
Even though we didn't finish everything by this evening we got most of the things taken care of. Tomorrow we will drop off some things to Goodwill; pack up the car and head to (all places) Las Vegas to visit with two dear friends over the weekend. These are great old friends and they have accepted me with all my faults and I so enjoy their company.
Earlier today I had to meet the movers at the storage facility due to the mishap last night and that took up most of the morning. From there I went to one of our dear friend's garage and deposited more boxes while my wife stayed behind and tried to conquer the never ending packing. I swear it looked like we may never finish and sometimes I thought we were accumulating more items as the items were placed in the box. However; we did manage to get through the day and get most everything boxed up before we lost daylight.
I mention losing daylight because I scheduled to have the power transferred out of my name today and low and behold all of the power was shut off around 10:00 am. I was hoping to get a few more hours but that was not the case and the fact that it was close to 100 degrees outside didn't make matters much better; however; in spite of the few obstacles we did get it done with a great deal of sweat and minimal negativity. Even the children were troopers; they managed to entertain themselves and even pitched in a few times.
I loaded up the mini-van with more boxes this evening and drove them to our other dear friend's garage. By this time daylight had subsided and my wife and children were going over to yet another dear friend's home where the air conditioner works great!!! This is where I am right now and their couch which is where I will be sleeping looks great!! Tomorrow morning my wife and I will drive over to the house for the final time; load up the mini-van for a run to Goodwill and after that load up the car for our journey. Hopefully; God willing we will be on the road by mid-morning.
Yes, it really has been a trying time but my wife has been great; the children have been wonderful and we have so many dear friends here it really is so very hard to leave. Everyone has been beyond great and I have been touched by so many wonderful people that I will be forever grateful for their unbelievable kindness and generosity; thank you so very much.
Finally here are two very good stories about compulsive gambling. The first one deals with the horrible consequences a compulsive gambler must face when the compulsive gambling takes over one's life much like it did mine. The second story is very well written and hopefully there is some one out there who is thinking about getting help for their compulsive gamblng addiciton and this story can help anyone who wants help.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
It Is What It Is...
As I laid in bed last night for what could be the last time in a long time I thought to myself; oh my this really wasn't how I envisioned my life but instead of tossing and turning and dwelling on the past I said to myself; "it is what it is". I can't change those past horrible deeds and I certainly can't live in the past I can only live in the present. Well today being the present wasn't the most fun day I have had in a long time but it was as I had expected it to be. The movers showed up one hour late which would lead to later problems but more on that later.
I packed up the mini-van with a load of boxes which I took to our dear friends house. We now have two garages in virtually the same neighborhood that all filled with my family's belongings along with a storage facility not exactly the best way to move but we are truly making the best of it. Thanks to our dear friends the move could have been a great deal worse instead it is moving (no pun intended!!) along just fine.
The movers put in a 10 hour day moving our furniture and some miscellaneous items into the storage facility. There were two men; one man in his forties and one college student who were very polite and did a great job. The older man has 11 children; 9 boys and 2 girls and now I understand why he works 15 hour days! The younger man is in college and was very respectful and his day was made when I offered him all the left over beer I had!!! Unfortunately due to their tardiness we weren't able to complete the move into the storage facility because the storage facility closed at 7:00 pm and we arrived at 7:50 pm. Now we have to go back tomorrow morning to finish the move but that is really okay. We still have some more boxing up to do in the house and we need to figure out what will fit in the car for our drive across country.
Tonight my children are sleeping in their tents in their own rooms and my wife and I will be sleeping on the floor. There is no furniture anywhere in the house the lone appliance is a television that we are taking back to New Jersey. There is no place to sit except on the floor or a box because all of the chairs have been packed. It really is a strange night and I do feel like a stranger in strange house.
My wife and I chose this house almost five years ago and after searching two weeks for the right house we happened to find by chance. We followed a few signs and instead of making a left we made a right. We instantly fell in love with the house and decided to buy it. This decision was a great decision because of it we have met so many great friends and these friends are still are friends even knowing my faults. Yes, the house was perfect but I did screw it up as the house appreciated I continued to tap the equity so I could live my compulsive gambling fantasy life and when I grew tired of tapping the equity I turned to crime and we all know where that has led me. I will be sad to leave the house much like I was sad to see my car get towed away but really they are both immaterial possessions the only material possessions that matter to me are my family.
I will be sharing a cross country journey with my family and the fact that we all will be together for the next few weeks keeps me going each and everyday. Also knowing I have gotten my life back on the right path and I continue to make the right choices each and every day which is to NOT gamble makes my days very bright. Yes, this day wasn't the brightest and it really is difficult knowing what I have done to my family and myself but I pray to God those days will stay in the past and the present will continue on its bright path.
I will maintain this blog to the best of my ability as we make our way across the country. The postings may not be made each day; instead there maybe some days where there are no posts and some days where there are many posts. I will continue to write because it has helped me so much in my recovery and it really is therapeutic. Finally; I would like to thank the many people who have emailed me with such kind and generous words. These comments mean the world to me and thank you so very much.
I packed up the mini-van with a load of boxes which I took to our dear friends house. We now have two garages in virtually the same neighborhood that all filled with my family's belongings along with a storage facility not exactly the best way to move but we are truly making the best of it. Thanks to our dear friends the move could have been a great deal worse instead it is moving (no pun intended!!) along just fine.
The movers put in a 10 hour day moving our furniture and some miscellaneous items into the storage facility. There were two men; one man in his forties and one college student who were very polite and did a great job. The older man has 11 children; 9 boys and 2 girls and now I understand why he works 15 hour days! The younger man is in college and was very respectful and his day was made when I offered him all the left over beer I had!!! Unfortunately due to their tardiness we weren't able to complete the move into the storage facility because the storage facility closed at 7:00 pm and we arrived at 7:50 pm. Now we have to go back tomorrow morning to finish the move but that is really okay. We still have some more boxing up to do in the house and we need to figure out what will fit in the car for our drive across country.
Tonight my children are sleeping in their tents in their own rooms and my wife and I will be sleeping on the floor. There is no furniture anywhere in the house the lone appliance is a television that we are taking back to New Jersey. There is no place to sit except on the floor or a box because all of the chairs have been packed. It really is a strange night and I do feel like a stranger in strange house.
My wife and I chose this house almost five years ago and after searching two weeks for the right house we happened to find by chance. We followed a few signs and instead of making a left we made a right. We instantly fell in love with the house and decided to buy it. This decision was a great decision because of it we have met so many great friends and these friends are still are friends even knowing my faults. Yes, the house was perfect but I did screw it up as the house appreciated I continued to tap the equity so I could live my compulsive gambling fantasy life and when I grew tired of tapping the equity I turned to crime and we all know where that has led me. I will be sad to leave the house much like I was sad to see my car get towed away but really they are both immaterial possessions the only material possessions that matter to me are my family.
I will be sharing a cross country journey with my family and the fact that we all will be together for the next few weeks keeps me going each and everyday. Also knowing I have gotten my life back on the right path and I continue to make the right choices each and every day which is to NOT gamble makes my days very bright. Yes, this day wasn't the brightest and it really is difficult knowing what I have done to my family and myself but I pray to God those days will stay in the past and the present will continue on its bright path.
I will maintain this blog to the best of my ability as we make our way across the country. The postings may not be made each day; instead there maybe some days where there are no posts and some days where there are many posts. I will continue to write because it has helped me so much in my recovery and it really is therapeutic. Finally; I would like to thank the many people who have emailed me with such kind and generous words. These comments mean the world to me and thank you so very much.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Closer
Last night as I laid in bed I found it very hard to get to sleep. My "poor" mind was racing a mile a minute. I know there is only so much I can do in my particular situation and as long as I am doing all the right things I do know everything will continue to work out for the best.
However; I wouldn't be completely honest with myself if I didn't acknowledge those times at night when I lay in bed and think of all of the destruction I have caused and how many lives I have "messed up" including my own. I do think about but I know I cannot undue the past I can only work on today some days are more difficult than others and as we get closer and closer to our departure date from Southern California and this house it does get tougher.
No I am not going into a woes is me please feel sorry for me pity party; I am let out my true feelings. Thank God I found a Program that has not only arrested my compulsive gambling addiction but has taught me how to deal with all of the consequences I have brought on myself and my family. With the Gamblers Anonymous Program there is no way I would be sitting here writing this blog let alone experience the things I have experienced in the last 16 months.
My world was in tatters and now I am slowly picking up those pieces and inching forward with my new life. Yes, it has happened a bit drastically for me but that was the only way I was going to learn. Had I not learned the way I did I was never going to learn how to deal with my compulsive gambling addiction.
I have come to terms with my addiction and I will always be a compulsive gambler but now I am a compulsive gambler in recovery. This is a significant difference for the previous times I stopped gambling. In those two previous times I said to myself I am not going to gamble and that worked for a number of years but I found myself in worse trouble when I went back without thinking.
Now, even though I still have levels of angst which is certainly driven by guilt I do know I am finally on the right road to recovery. It has taken a long time to get here but I know my life will continue to get better and better as long as I stay on this road. If I fall off this road my life will surely go to Hell which is why I try and practice to the best of my ability the principles of the Gamblers Anonymous Program each and everyday.
Tomorrow our house will be without any furniture and all of this furniture will be in a storage facility nearby. I know tomorrow night will be a very strange evening sitting in a house without any furniture but I do know my most important "possessions" (if you will); my wife, daughter and son will be my side and no matter how much guilt I feel about losing my career, home, car, money I do know I have all that any person could ever ask for; a wonderful family.
However; I wouldn't be completely honest with myself if I didn't acknowledge those times at night when I lay in bed and think of all of the destruction I have caused and how many lives I have "messed up" including my own. I do think about but I know I cannot undue the past I can only work on today some days are more difficult than others and as we get closer and closer to our departure date from Southern California and this house it does get tougher.
No I am not going into a woes is me please feel sorry for me pity party; I am let out my true feelings. Thank God I found a Program that has not only arrested my compulsive gambling addiction but has taught me how to deal with all of the consequences I have brought on myself and my family. With the Gamblers Anonymous Program there is no way I would be sitting here writing this blog let alone experience the things I have experienced in the last 16 months.
My world was in tatters and now I am slowly picking up those pieces and inching forward with my new life. Yes, it has happened a bit drastically for me but that was the only way I was going to learn. Had I not learned the way I did I was never going to learn how to deal with my compulsive gambling addiction.
I have come to terms with my addiction and I will always be a compulsive gambler but now I am a compulsive gambler in recovery. This is a significant difference for the previous times I stopped gambling. In those two previous times I said to myself I am not going to gamble and that worked for a number of years but I found myself in worse trouble when I went back without thinking.
Now, even though I still have levels of angst which is certainly driven by guilt I do know I am finally on the right road to recovery. It has taken a long time to get here but I know my life will continue to get better and better as long as I stay on this road. If I fall off this road my life will surely go to Hell which is why I try and practice to the best of my ability the principles of the Gamblers Anonymous Program each and everyday.
Tomorrow our house will be without any furniture and all of this furniture will be in a storage facility nearby. I know tomorrow night will be a very strange evening sitting in a house without any furniture but I do know my most important "possessions" (if you will); my wife, daughter and son will be my side and no matter how much guilt I feel about losing my career, home, car, money I do know I have all that any person could ever ask for; a wonderful family.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Two Stories
We only have a few days left in Southern California and thank goodness we are not a strict time schedule so we don't have to kill ourselves (I should say my wife does not have to kill herself more on that later) to have everything ready to move by Thursday. We are moving all the furniture on Thursday to a storage facility nearby and whatever we have left over we be moved either into that same storage facility or one of our dear friend's garage. I would like to be on the road by Friday but if we need to move more things it will be okay to leave on Saturday.
We will be taking our time traveling cross country with two planned stops; one in Las Vegas to visit two of our very good old friends and one in Denver to visit my sister and her family. After leaving Denver we will take our time traveling towards New Jersey. One stop will be in either Kansas or Missouri with the other stop in either Ohio or Pennsylvania. I am not sure but we may stop at the Grand Canyon on our way from Las Vegas to Denver because we haven't been there even though we spent 8 years living in Las Vegas some three hours away from the Grand Canyon and who knows when all of us will be back this way.
This afternoon I spent three hours retelling my story to a newspaper reporter who has actually become a good friend. I have been dealing with this person for over one year now and even though this reporter has written only one story which by the way was at the very beginning of my ordeal my wife and I feel very comfortable with them. I am anxious to see the final story which presumably will be published when I get sentenced hopefully in mid July.
As I was retelling my story for what seems to be the thousandth time I found myself reflecting at how bad my compulsive gambling really was. When I was in the throws of my compulsive gambling I would go to great lengths to ensure no one knew what I was doing. I was very good at lying which in retrospect was exhausting. I had to keep track of so many details it was truly amazing I could function as a person. I tried to protect myself at all costs to ensure no one knew that I was gambling. I remember having conversations with people about gambling and saying to them that I don't gamble anymore and they should be careful when they gamble because it can do bad things to them. Then I would turnaround and no less than five minutes later I would be back at the computer placing my bets forgetting everything I had just said.
It truly was like I had a split personality. On the one hand I was the devoted family man and the go to guy at my work but on the other hand I was the reckless out of control gambler and thief. Thank God those days are over and I have found a way to live in peace, serenity and most importantly with honesty. I was everything but honest when I was gambling because I would do everything and anything to perpetuate my gambling fantasy which included lying, cheating and stealing. I also thank God everyday I got caught because had I not gotten caught I would have died a horrible lonely death. Also I thank God for the Gamblers Anonymous Program because it continues to teach me how to live a great life without gambling. Yes, it is a great life even though in a few short weeks I will lose my freedom and become a prisoner.
I was a prisoner of my compulsive gambling now I am no longer a prisoner to my compulsive gambling because of the GA Program. The GA Program has given me a new life and new positive outlook on life. I know as long as I practice the principles of the GA Program in my daily affairs my life continues to get better and better. The way I lived when I was gambling compulsively was no life and now I have a wonderful life which is filled with so many blessings. I get to truly experience these blessings each and everyday.
I want to close with two stories. The first one is about a woman in Oklahoma who left her grandson locked in a car so she could go and gamble. The upsetting part of this story for me is there is no admission of responsibility by the woman and there is no mention of a compulsive gambling addiction or treatment for the addiction. I can only speak for myself and say this disease of compulsive gambling left untreated will only get worse never better. I pray this woman gets help because this may have been the wake call she was looking for or it may not be. If it isn't I don't want to think about how bad it can get because I fairly certain it will get worse.
The second story is from Michigan and it is a question and answer. The question is about compulsive gambling and the answer is very good. The person who wrote the answer hits on all the key points; one great point is; " There is little you or anyone else can do for him until he decides he has an addiction and needs help to overcome it." Unfortunately this is the case for most people including me. It took a horrendous ordeal to finally I admit I am powerless to gambling and my life is unmanageable. I thank God I sought help for this horrible addiction because it has saved my life. Reading this answer portion really hits home to me and hopefully many people out there who suspect they have a gambling problem will seek some type of treatment. If they do there lives will changed for the better; I know because my life has.
We will be taking our time traveling cross country with two planned stops; one in Las Vegas to visit two of our very good old friends and one in Denver to visit my sister and her family. After leaving Denver we will take our time traveling towards New Jersey. One stop will be in either Kansas or Missouri with the other stop in either Ohio or Pennsylvania. I am not sure but we may stop at the Grand Canyon on our way from Las Vegas to Denver because we haven't been there even though we spent 8 years living in Las Vegas some three hours away from the Grand Canyon and who knows when all of us will be back this way.
This afternoon I spent three hours retelling my story to a newspaper reporter who has actually become a good friend. I have been dealing with this person for over one year now and even though this reporter has written only one story which by the way was at the very beginning of my ordeal my wife and I feel very comfortable with them. I am anxious to see the final story which presumably will be published when I get sentenced hopefully in mid July.
As I was retelling my story for what seems to be the thousandth time I found myself reflecting at how bad my compulsive gambling really was. When I was in the throws of my compulsive gambling I would go to great lengths to ensure no one knew what I was doing. I was very good at lying which in retrospect was exhausting. I had to keep track of so many details it was truly amazing I could function as a person. I tried to protect myself at all costs to ensure no one knew that I was gambling. I remember having conversations with people about gambling and saying to them that I don't gamble anymore and they should be careful when they gamble because it can do bad things to them. Then I would turnaround and no less than five minutes later I would be back at the computer placing my bets forgetting everything I had just said.
It truly was like I had a split personality. On the one hand I was the devoted family man and the go to guy at my work but on the other hand I was the reckless out of control gambler and thief. Thank God those days are over and I have found a way to live in peace, serenity and most importantly with honesty. I was everything but honest when I was gambling because I would do everything and anything to perpetuate my gambling fantasy which included lying, cheating and stealing. I also thank God everyday I got caught because had I not gotten caught I would have died a horrible lonely death. Also I thank God for the Gamblers Anonymous Program because it continues to teach me how to live a great life without gambling. Yes, it is a great life even though in a few short weeks I will lose my freedom and become a prisoner.
I was a prisoner of my compulsive gambling now I am no longer a prisoner to my compulsive gambling because of the GA Program. The GA Program has given me a new life and new positive outlook on life. I know as long as I practice the principles of the GA Program in my daily affairs my life continues to get better and better. The way I lived when I was gambling compulsively was no life and now I have a wonderful life which is filled with so many blessings. I get to truly experience these blessings each and everyday.
I want to close with two stories. The first one is about a woman in Oklahoma who left her grandson locked in a car so she could go and gamble. The upsetting part of this story for me is there is no admission of responsibility by the woman and there is no mention of a compulsive gambling addiction or treatment for the addiction. I can only speak for myself and say this disease of compulsive gambling left untreated will only get worse never better. I pray this woman gets help because this may have been the wake call she was looking for or it may not be. If it isn't I don't want to think about how bad it can get because I fairly certain it will get worse.
The second story is from Michigan and it is a question and answer. The question is about compulsive gambling and the answer is very good. The person who wrote the answer hits on all the key points; one great point is; " There is little you or anyone else can do for him until he decides he has an addiction and needs help to overcome it." Unfortunately this is the case for most people including me. It took a horrendous ordeal to finally I admit I am powerless to gambling and my life is unmanageable. I thank God I sought help for this horrible addiction because it has saved my life. Reading this answer portion really hits home to me and hopefully many people out there who suspect they have a gambling problem will seek some type of treatment. If they do there lives will changed for the better; I know because my life has.
Monday, June 19, 2006
Days are Numbered
As we prepare for our cross country move on Friday the days are numbered for us in Southern California. There is still more packing to be had; however; we took a break this evening to join our new dear friends for dinner. Also; I attended the Monday Gamblers Anonymous meeting and as always is the case I am so happy I made it. We had two new members and for this meeting to have two new members is saying something. We started this meeting back in February and it has struggled; maybe it is the starting time 5:00 pm but for whatever reason we have averaged around 7 people for the past few months.
There seems to be a contingent of certain people who seem to support all the meetings in our area and this may have been a good thing when we had 4 meetings per week but now we have 6 meetings (everyday except for Friday) per week. Now that we have six meetings per week it has gotten increasingly difficult for those great members to support all the meetings; it really is too difficult to attend all the meetings. Monday's meeting seems to have been a casualty because those members have stopped attending this meeting. I have no blame for those who have stopped attending this meeting because the GA Program is an individual Program and what works best for each individual is dependent on that individual.
Today as I stated previously two new members attended and even though there were only 7 people (our average) in attendance I believe it is a very good sign that help is available any day of the week in our area. Also; when a new member is in attendance it always reminds me why I am in the Program. The pain, sadness and suffering in a new members voice makes me remember all the pain, sadness and suffering my compulsive gambling has caused in my life. I don't want to ever go back to that life and I know by practicing the principles of the Program in my daily affairs I don't have to live that way ever again.
I do hope and pray these two new members find the help they were seeking and join the fellowship. GA is an awesome Program and I have witnessed some incredible miracles in others and myself in the short time I have been in the Program. I hope these two new members stick around to experience some of those miracles themselves. GA is truly a special Program and something I am grateful for each and everyday.
Right before the GA meeting I stopped by my attorney's office to pick-up a report. I had no idea the report was coming nor had I known what the report was all about. There is only one unresolved item left in my case which is how much rightful ownership I have in a house I own with a partner. Even though I am on the deed as 50% owner there seems to be some confusion as to my rightful claim. I could go on and on about certain possibilities and my opinion but it would do no good to anyone. This report seemed to refute my ownership claim but it was not a deposition or sworn statement it was just someone talking to someone else about what they knew. I have no idea where this is going so I called my attorney and unfortunately he also has no idea where it is going as well.
I do want my case to be over so I can start serving my time; however; this one unresolved issue has kept me from starting my sentence for the past few months. I have experienced some wonderful things in those months and I will experience more as July 12th approaches; however; I do want to ensure July 12th will be it and as it looks right now I don't know if that will be the case. I will meet with my attorney before we leave for New Jersey on Friday and hopefully I will have a better indication as to where I stand and if I don't so be it. I cannot worry or concern myself with these things because these are the consequences I have brought on myself and unfortunately others. I know some day this will come to an end and life will return to a new normal without all of the uncertainty but until that time I will keep saying the Serenity Prayer each and every day.
This evening we joined our very dear friends for dinner. They were kind enough to invite us over and have dinner. We had a great time and I am forever grateful for my situation because had I not been allowed this time to recover from my compulsive gambling addiction I wouldn't have had the pleasure of meeting these two wonderful thoughtful giving people. I have been blessed by so many new friends through this horrible situation and I am forever thankful and grateful for each and everyone of them. My life took a 180 degree turn some fifteen and half months ago but that turn has been for the good and I know my life is now headed in the proper direction.
There seems to be a contingent of certain people who seem to support all the meetings in our area and this may have been a good thing when we had 4 meetings per week but now we have 6 meetings (everyday except for Friday) per week. Now that we have six meetings per week it has gotten increasingly difficult for those great members to support all the meetings; it really is too difficult to attend all the meetings. Monday's meeting seems to have been a casualty because those members have stopped attending this meeting. I have no blame for those who have stopped attending this meeting because the GA Program is an individual Program and what works best for each individual is dependent on that individual.
Today as I stated previously two new members attended and even though there were only 7 people (our average) in attendance I believe it is a very good sign that help is available any day of the week in our area. Also; when a new member is in attendance it always reminds me why I am in the Program. The pain, sadness and suffering in a new members voice makes me remember all the pain, sadness and suffering my compulsive gambling has caused in my life. I don't want to ever go back to that life and I know by practicing the principles of the Program in my daily affairs I don't have to live that way ever again.
I do hope and pray these two new members find the help they were seeking and join the fellowship. GA is an awesome Program and I have witnessed some incredible miracles in others and myself in the short time I have been in the Program. I hope these two new members stick around to experience some of those miracles themselves. GA is truly a special Program and something I am grateful for each and everyday.
Right before the GA meeting I stopped by my attorney's office to pick-up a report. I had no idea the report was coming nor had I known what the report was all about. There is only one unresolved item left in my case which is how much rightful ownership I have in a house I own with a partner. Even though I am on the deed as 50% owner there seems to be some confusion as to my rightful claim. I could go on and on about certain possibilities and my opinion but it would do no good to anyone. This report seemed to refute my ownership claim but it was not a deposition or sworn statement it was just someone talking to someone else about what they knew. I have no idea where this is going so I called my attorney and unfortunately he also has no idea where it is going as well.
I do want my case to be over so I can start serving my time; however; this one unresolved issue has kept me from starting my sentence for the past few months. I have experienced some wonderful things in those months and I will experience more as July 12th approaches; however; I do want to ensure July 12th will be it and as it looks right now I don't know if that will be the case. I will meet with my attorney before we leave for New Jersey on Friday and hopefully I will have a better indication as to where I stand and if I don't so be it. I cannot worry or concern myself with these things because these are the consequences I have brought on myself and unfortunately others. I know some day this will come to an end and life will return to a new normal without all of the uncertainty but until that time I will keep saying the Serenity Prayer each and every day.
This evening we joined our very dear friends for dinner. They were kind enough to invite us over and have dinner. We had a great time and I am forever grateful for my situation because had I not been allowed this time to recover from my compulsive gambling addiction I wouldn't have had the pleasure of meeting these two wonderful thoughtful giving people. I have been blessed by so many new friends through this horrible situation and I am forever thankful and grateful for each and everyone of them. My life took a 180 degree turn some fifteen and half months ago but that turn has been for the good and I know my life is now headed in the proper direction.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Happy Father's Day 2006
Happy Father's Day to all you fathers out there and especially to my dear father. First off; I hope my Dad had a great day. I know in the past year some of the old wounds between my dad and I have been reopened and I can only apologize for those terrible things I have done. I know it will take a long time to make the proper amends to my Dad (if possible) but I do know I have stopped that bad behavior.
I have stopped that bad behavior because of my Recovery Program thanks to Gamblers Anonymous. I do know I cannot waver from my Recovery because those bad behaviors will come up once again. I love my Dad dearly and it hurts me to hear the pain in his voice all of which I have caused. Hopefully, as long as I continue my recovery things will continue to get better. Happy Father's Day Dad, I love you.
This weekend has been wonderful. It started off on Friday by picking up a friend from the airport. Normally, picking someone up from the airport is not anything special considering the airport is over one hour away without traffic and with traffic an hour and half. However; on Friday I was honored to pick up my friend from the airport because he was coming back from a very unexpected trip. Someone near and dear to my friend had died suddenly so my friend had to scramble and make reservations. I told my friend if they needed someone to pick them up from the airport I would be happy to help. I was happy to help and even though it took us a long time to get home; I am honored to have such a good friend.
You see; this friend is not a new friend but is not an old friend. This is someone who knew me before all my horrible actions became known and this person had only known me for two years prior to this. I guess what I am trying to say is this friend knows me solely from me living in Southern California and knows what happened yet has stood by me this entire time.
My friend treated me for lunch as we got back from the airport and their departing words touched my heart; "I am really going to miss you." Even though I have known this person a short time through a terrible period they are still my friend. This takes courage on their part and many others have long since departed. I don't blame any of my other friends for departing after my horrible acts became public because for many of them it would be career suicide. However; this dear friend doesn't care about career suicide they genuinely care about me. I am touched and blessed by all the wonderful people I have in my life and I am forever grateful.
Yesterday after my Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting I moved some fifty odd boxes to one of my newer and very dear friend's garage. Even though I have only known this friend a little over one year they have done so many wonderful things for me and my family. Our connection is the GA Program but we've had a very strong friendship from the beginning. This person has been an integral part of my recovery and without this person I know my recovery would have suffered. Thank you so very much for all that you have done and thank you for being a great friend to not only me but my family.
This morning I was awaken by a homemade card right next to my alarm clock. The card read; "Happy Father's Day.... look on the computer." I immediately went to the computer where I found another card which read; "Happy Father's Day..... look in the living room." I immediately went to the living room where I found yet another card which read; "Happy Father's Day..... look in the kitchen." I immediately went to the kitchen where I saw my daughter waiting to surprise me and when she saw me she said; "Happy Father's Day" with a great big smile on her face. She then gave me the final (homemade) card which read; "Happy Father's Day.... to the best Dad ever.... love, Lauren and Jonathan (my children, of course)." I couldn't ask for a better start to the day. My daughter was waiting for me since 6:00 am because she didn't want to miss me. Thank goodness she didn't have to wait too long; I got downstairs at 7:30 am. I have a great family and I am forever grateful.
My only wish for today's father's day was to watch the U.S. Open Golf Championship. In fact; this seems always to be my request. Even though we needed to get more boxes over to our other dear friend's garage; my wife allowed me to watch the Golf Championship in peace. I watched the match with my son on my lap; it really couldn't get any better than that.
The U.S. Open was a bit of a disaster for any of you who watched it because it wasn't as if anyone won the tournament (even though Geoff Oglivy from Australia did win) it was as if the winner didn't perform worse than anyone else. It was sad to see the American hero Phil Mickelson lose in such a horrible fashion. The only thing I can say is; Phil Mickelson believed in himself and he tried his best but today his best wasn't good enough. I know he will be back because he is a great golfer.
After the golf match I moved the remainder of the boxes to our other friend's garage. We appear to be in decent shape for the move on Thursday. Most of the boxes have been moved to our friend's garages and the furniture will be moved into a storage facility come Thursday.
Today my wife sold our family room set which thankfully will not be making the return trip to New Jersey. This was the last piece of furniture which came out with my wife and I from New Jersey some 12 1/2 years ago. In fact my grandmother had gotten me the set when I graduated from college in 1987 some 19 years ago. I was happy to see it finally go.
Speaking of selling things; our garage sale rather my wife's garage sale was a smashing success yesterday in spite of my pessimistic attitude. We had a great deal of "crap" and I do mean "crap"!! As I purveyed the "crap" at 7:00 am I remarked (smartly as usual!) to my wife we aren't going to sell any of this. She replied; "one person's garbage is another's treasure." I dismissed this but a few short minutes later when all the people started showing up and buying our "crap" I was amazed. One person bought almost $100 worth of "crap" and I couldn't believe my eyes. I was totally wrong (as usual) and my wife was completely correct. We got rid of 95% of what we wanted to sell and the other 5% was given away for free. What I thought to be garbage sure turned out to be a treasure for some other folks.
This evening I did miss the Sunday night Gamblers Anonymous meeting because of wanting to spend as much time as I can with my family and making sure all of the boxes have been moved. I do love this meeting just like I love the other four I attend on a regular basis; however; this meeting is special because it was the second GA meeting I ever attended. I believe the second meeting (for me) is the toughest to attend and at that second meeting I felt that there was something very special going on inside that room and I wanted to stick around to experience it. I have experienced something very special in the past fifteen and half months and I am so happy I stuck around.
I know my GA meetings are dwindling in numbers as I approach my sentencing date; however; I do know there will be at least one other Sunday GA meeting I will attend before sentencing. My wife and I fly back from New Jersey a few days before the sentencing date and I will be able to attend a few GA meetings before I go "away". I do know my going "away" will be temporary and I will be back to attending GA meetings somewhere. I am not sure where I will be because there are many uncertainties as to where my family and I will live. However; I do know one certainty; I need to be involved in GA wherever I reside because this Program has given me my life back and made it is so much better in so many different ways. I want and need to be a part of the Program because as long as I follow this Program my life will continue to be blessed and get better each and every day.
I have stopped that bad behavior because of my Recovery Program thanks to Gamblers Anonymous. I do know I cannot waver from my Recovery because those bad behaviors will come up once again. I love my Dad dearly and it hurts me to hear the pain in his voice all of which I have caused. Hopefully, as long as I continue my recovery things will continue to get better. Happy Father's Day Dad, I love you.
This weekend has been wonderful. It started off on Friday by picking up a friend from the airport. Normally, picking someone up from the airport is not anything special considering the airport is over one hour away without traffic and with traffic an hour and half. However; on Friday I was honored to pick up my friend from the airport because he was coming back from a very unexpected trip. Someone near and dear to my friend had died suddenly so my friend had to scramble and make reservations. I told my friend if they needed someone to pick them up from the airport I would be happy to help. I was happy to help and even though it took us a long time to get home; I am honored to have such a good friend.
You see; this friend is not a new friend but is not an old friend. This is someone who knew me before all my horrible actions became known and this person had only known me for two years prior to this. I guess what I am trying to say is this friend knows me solely from me living in Southern California and knows what happened yet has stood by me this entire time.
My friend treated me for lunch as we got back from the airport and their departing words touched my heart; "I am really going to miss you." Even though I have known this person a short time through a terrible period they are still my friend. This takes courage on their part and many others have long since departed. I don't blame any of my other friends for departing after my horrible acts became public because for many of them it would be career suicide. However; this dear friend doesn't care about career suicide they genuinely care about me. I am touched and blessed by all the wonderful people I have in my life and I am forever grateful.
Yesterday after my Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting I moved some fifty odd boxes to one of my newer and very dear friend's garage. Even though I have only known this friend a little over one year they have done so many wonderful things for me and my family. Our connection is the GA Program but we've had a very strong friendship from the beginning. This person has been an integral part of my recovery and without this person I know my recovery would have suffered. Thank you so very much for all that you have done and thank you for being a great friend to not only me but my family.
This morning I was awaken by a homemade card right next to my alarm clock. The card read; "Happy Father's Day.... look on the computer." I immediately went to the computer where I found another card which read; "Happy Father's Day..... look in the living room." I immediately went to the living room where I found yet another card which read; "Happy Father's Day..... look in the kitchen." I immediately went to the kitchen where I saw my daughter waiting to surprise me and when she saw me she said; "Happy Father's Day" with a great big smile on her face. She then gave me the final (homemade) card which read; "Happy Father's Day.... to the best Dad ever.... love, Lauren and Jonathan (my children, of course)." I couldn't ask for a better start to the day. My daughter was waiting for me since 6:00 am because she didn't want to miss me. Thank goodness she didn't have to wait too long; I got downstairs at 7:30 am. I have a great family and I am forever grateful.
My only wish for today's father's day was to watch the U.S. Open Golf Championship. In fact; this seems always to be my request. Even though we needed to get more boxes over to our other dear friend's garage; my wife allowed me to watch the Golf Championship in peace. I watched the match with my son on my lap; it really couldn't get any better than that.
The U.S. Open was a bit of a disaster for any of you who watched it because it wasn't as if anyone won the tournament (even though Geoff Oglivy from Australia did win) it was as if the winner didn't perform worse than anyone else. It was sad to see the American hero Phil Mickelson lose in such a horrible fashion. The only thing I can say is; Phil Mickelson believed in himself and he tried his best but today his best wasn't good enough. I know he will be back because he is a great golfer.
After the golf match I moved the remainder of the boxes to our other friend's garage. We appear to be in decent shape for the move on Thursday. Most of the boxes have been moved to our friend's garages and the furniture will be moved into a storage facility come Thursday.
Today my wife sold our family room set which thankfully will not be making the return trip to New Jersey. This was the last piece of furniture which came out with my wife and I from New Jersey some 12 1/2 years ago. In fact my grandmother had gotten me the set when I graduated from college in 1987 some 19 years ago. I was happy to see it finally go.
Speaking of selling things; our garage sale rather my wife's garage sale was a smashing success yesterday in spite of my pessimistic attitude. We had a great deal of "crap" and I do mean "crap"!! As I purveyed the "crap" at 7:00 am I remarked (smartly as usual!) to my wife we aren't going to sell any of this. She replied; "one person's garbage is another's treasure." I dismissed this but a few short minutes later when all the people started showing up and buying our "crap" I was amazed. One person bought almost $100 worth of "crap" and I couldn't believe my eyes. I was totally wrong (as usual) and my wife was completely correct. We got rid of 95% of what we wanted to sell and the other 5% was given away for free. What I thought to be garbage sure turned out to be a treasure for some other folks.
This evening I did miss the Sunday night Gamblers Anonymous meeting because of wanting to spend as much time as I can with my family and making sure all of the boxes have been moved. I do love this meeting just like I love the other four I attend on a regular basis; however; this meeting is special because it was the second GA meeting I ever attended. I believe the second meeting (for me) is the toughest to attend and at that second meeting I felt that there was something very special going on inside that room and I wanted to stick around to experience it. I have experienced something very special in the past fifteen and half months and I am so happy I stuck around.
I know my GA meetings are dwindling in numbers as I approach my sentencing date; however; I do know there will be at least one other Sunday GA meeting I will attend before sentencing. My wife and I fly back from New Jersey a few days before the sentencing date and I will be able to attend a few GA meetings before I go "away". I do know my going "away" will be temporary and I will be back to attending GA meetings somewhere. I am not sure where I will be because there are many uncertainties as to where my family and I will live. However; I do know one certainty; I need to be involved in GA wherever I reside because this Program has given me my life back and made it is so much better in so many different ways. I want and need to be a part of the Program because as long as I follow this Program my life will continue to be blessed and get better each and every day.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Staggering!!
Right now I am feeling the affects of getting up at 5:00 am to help my wife with our garage sale. Which by the way was a success. Then attending would could be my last Saturday Gamblers Anonymous Meeting for some time; then moving 50 boxes to my dear friend's garage. Tomorrow will be more of the same because as the days dwindle in number as we prepare for our move the workload and stress levels gets higher. My wife and I are truly blessed by our old and new friends. Today they came through in some many ways that I am forever indebted for their kindness and generosity. I will try and write more tomorrow but I wanted to post the following story which in my humble opinion is staggering; here it is;
$465,000 That's how much Internet gambler loses in an hour
In his first hour on an Internet gambling site, he won an amazing 90,000 ($264,978).
But then his luck changed.
And within the next hour, his debt mounted to 158,000 ($465,268).
In that one night, Mr Richard Mahan, 25, used 13 of his parents' credit cards - and exhausted all the limits on them - in an attempt to make back the money he had lost, but to no avail.
Finally, in what is being described as Scotland's worst case of gambling addiction, he tried to kill himself.
A court in Scotland heard on Thursday that his parents called the police after the credit card companies told them to do so. They said that their insurance would not be valid unless they reported the case to the authorities, reported The Times of London yesterday.
Commented the judge, Sheriff Kevin Veal: 'If 150,000 can be lost in 50 minutes under clandestine conditions in the early hours of the morning, it is an issue so great that it needs to be addressed by the wider community. It is a social issue.'
Mr John Clancy, Mr Mahan's lawyer, said that the case highlighted the dangers of the lack of regulation of Internet gambling.
'The court should be aware that Internet gambling, along with alcohol and heroin, is the scourge of the 21st century because it is unregulated.
'It also raises questions about the wisdom of credit card companies allowing borrowing levels to be raised without any real checks.
Said Mr Clancy: 'My own firm is seeing more and more cases of bankruptcies every week arising from addiction to online gambling.'
Sheriff Veal warned Mr Mahan that he faces jail, saying: 'The quantum is so great that a prison sentence may have to be imposed in the public's interest.'
A spokesman for British bookmaker Willilam Hill said that the gambling industry was heavily regulated.
Of the Richard Mahan case, he said: 'How could anybody know he was not who he said he was or that the credit cards were not his? If I spent 90,000 on a car with my credit card, would anybody criticise me?'
Last month, a 22-year-old man racked up Internet gambling debts of 30,000 in less than half an hour using his father's credit cards.
BETS OF 5,000
He had placed bets of up to 5,000.
He pleaded guilty to theft and was sentenced to 12 months' of community supervision order and told to do 200 hours' unpaid work.
Said his father, Mr Stephen Richardson, a property developer: 'Obviously, 30,000 is a lot of money and I had my wife and family to think of so I had to go ahead with the prosecution.
'If there had been a chance of custody, I do not know what I would have done. I could not have sent my son to prison.'
$465,000 That's how much Internet gambler loses in an hour
In his first hour on an Internet gambling site, he won an amazing 90,000 ($264,978).
But then his luck changed.
And within the next hour, his debt mounted to 158,000 ($465,268).
In that one night, Mr Richard Mahan, 25, used 13 of his parents' credit cards - and exhausted all the limits on them - in an attempt to make back the money he had lost, but to no avail.
Finally, in what is being described as Scotland's worst case of gambling addiction, he tried to kill himself.
A court in Scotland heard on Thursday that his parents called the police after the credit card companies told them to do so. They said that their insurance would not be valid unless they reported the case to the authorities, reported The Times of London yesterday.
Commented the judge, Sheriff Kevin Veal: 'If 150,000 can be lost in 50 minutes under clandestine conditions in the early hours of the morning, it is an issue so great that it needs to be addressed by the wider community. It is a social issue.'
Mr John Clancy, Mr Mahan's lawyer, said that the case highlighted the dangers of the lack of regulation of Internet gambling.
'The court should be aware that Internet gambling, along with alcohol and heroin, is the scourge of the 21st century because it is unregulated.
'It also raises questions about the wisdom of credit card companies allowing borrowing levels to be raised without any real checks.
Said Mr Clancy: 'My own firm is seeing more and more cases of bankruptcies every week arising from addiction to online gambling.'
Sheriff Veal warned Mr Mahan that he faces jail, saying: 'The quantum is so great that a prison sentence may have to be imposed in the public's interest.'
A spokesman for British bookmaker Willilam Hill said that the gambling industry was heavily regulated.
Of the Richard Mahan case, he said: 'How could anybody know he was not who he said he was or that the credit cards were not his? If I spent 90,000 on a car with my credit card, would anybody criticise me?'
Last month, a 22-year-old man racked up Internet gambling debts of 30,000 in less than half an hour using his father's credit cards.
BETS OF 5,000
He had placed bets of up to 5,000.
He pleaded guilty to theft and was sentenced to 12 months' of community supervision order and told to do 200 hours' unpaid work.
Said his father, Mr Stephen Richardson, a property developer: 'Obviously, 30,000 is a lot of money and I had my wife and family to think of so I had to go ahead with the prosecution.
'If there had been a chance of custody, I do not know what I would have done. I could not have sent my son to prison.'
Friday, June 16, 2006
Restitution is Blessed?
"Restitution is blessed," this was the last line in today's "A Day at a Time" reading from the Gamblers Anonymous daily reflection book. The Ninth Step in the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery Program reads; "Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others". This is a large part of my recovery because I must make direct amends in order to maintain my recovery. I have written about this in the past when I discussed Step Nine at length; however; as I read the words in today's daily reflection so many things hit home.
I am legally obligated to make restitution due to my crimes driven by my compulsive gambling addiction. I do realize this will take some time and may take a lifetime but I must make restitution. I have already made some restitution with selling my home, car and giving over my bank accounts; I do still have a long way to go. Also; due to my crimes I will be incarcerated for a still unspecified length of time so making restitution during that period will be very difficult. I am faced with my former employer who seems unfazed by the amount of money taken because they have already been reimbursed by the insurance company and want me to "serve" my time as a deterrent to others.
I am processing all of this but I do know as I stated early on in my case I intend to pay back all the money I had taken. Yes, this is a formidable task but a task that can only be done one day at a time just like my recovery. When I am incarcerated there is nothing I can do to make restitution except for taking on jobs inside the prison and maintaining my recovery; I cannot project the future. I can hope the job that has been offered to me a few months ago is still available when I get out but realistically this does not seem possible. So I must live each day one at a time and know that what I am doing the right thing now which has worked so well for the past fifteen and a half months and it has also worked so well for so many others before me. I know I will start to live life once all my legal issues are resolved.
I never looked as restitution as a blessing until reading today's passage. It is a blessing because it is another part of my recovery and my recovery is a blessing. My recovery is a blessing because it has not only saved my life but given me my life back.
I have done so much research on my particular legal case that my mind starts to spin when I think of how many different scenarios there are and how each case seems a bit different even though the circumstances appear to be the same. Take for instance the state of Missouri where "white collar" crimes are treated differently than the rest of the country. In the state of Missouri if a person is convicted of a "white collar" crime and there is restitution to be paid to a victim or victims they can ONLY be either sent to prison or ordered to pay restitution not both. This is a very interesting approach because how can a person who is sent to prison start to pay back the restitution; it is rather difficult. Then there is the argument on the flip side; some criminals want to go to prison to avoid paying back their victim; this would be considered a bailout.
Bailouts in Gamblers Anonymous are considered detrimental to one's recovery and I agree. I have received several bailouts while I have battled my compulsive gambling addiction and time my problem got worse. These bailouts didn't teach me anything not until coming to the GA Program did I realize this. I am not getting a bailout this time all though there are some people out there who are near and dear to me who have allowed me to spend this time not behind bars rather with my family and I am forever grateful. I don't know if this would be considered a bailout in the GA Program but I do know I wouldn't have experienced any of my recovery without this unbelievably kind act.
Getting back to the restitution because I owe so much money and had to sell my home and care I know I my wife a great deal. I took away a very good life and I will have to somehow make this up to her the rest of our lives. The only true way to make any of this up to her is to stay in my recovery and not stray. I know if I stay in my recovery our lives together will continue to get better no matter where we reside. If I stray from my recovery our lives together cease to exist.
This is a fairly simple choice; I want our lives to get better which is why I choose to get better each and every day. I won't stop this recovery even though we maybe a continent a part because I do know that my "time" will be served at some point and our lives will be back together. I do look forward to this day but I know I can't get there from today. I can only get there one day at a time and this will equal a great lifetime.
I am legally obligated to make restitution due to my crimes driven by my compulsive gambling addiction. I do realize this will take some time and may take a lifetime but I must make restitution. I have already made some restitution with selling my home, car and giving over my bank accounts; I do still have a long way to go. Also; due to my crimes I will be incarcerated for a still unspecified length of time so making restitution during that period will be very difficult. I am faced with my former employer who seems unfazed by the amount of money taken because they have already been reimbursed by the insurance company and want me to "serve" my time as a deterrent to others.
I am processing all of this but I do know as I stated early on in my case I intend to pay back all the money I had taken. Yes, this is a formidable task but a task that can only be done one day at a time just like my recovery. When I am incarcerated there is nothing I can do to make restitution except for taking on jobs inside the prison and maintaining my recovery; I cannot project the future. I can hope the job that has been offered to me a few months ago is still available when I get out but realistically this does not seem possible. So I must live each day one at a time and know that what I am doing the right thing now which has worked so well for the past fifteen and a half months and it has also worked so well for so many others before me. I know I will start to live life once all my legal issues are resolved.
I never looked as restitution as a blessing until reading today's passage. It is a blessing because it is another part of my recovery and my recovery is a blessing. My recovery is a blessing because it has not only saved my life but given me my life back.
I have done so much research on my particular legal case that my mind starts to spin when I think of how many different scenarios there are and how each case seems a bit different even though the circumstances appear to be the same. Take for instance the state of Missouri where "white collar" crimes are treated differently than the rest of the country. In the state of Missouri if a person is convicted of a "white collar" crime and there is restitution to be paid to a victim or victims they can ONLY be either sent to prison or ordered to pay restitution not both. This is a very interesting approach because how can a person who is sent to prison start to pay back the restitution; it is rather difficult. Then there is the argument on the flip side; some criminals want to go to prison to avoid paying back their victim; this would be considered a bailout.
Bailouts in Gamblers Anonymous are considered detrimental to one's recovery and I agree. I have received several bailouts while I have battled my compulsive gambling addiction and time my problem got worse. These bailouts didn't teach me anything not until coming to the GA Program did I realize this. I am not getting a bailout this time all though there are some people out there who are near and dear to me who have allowed me to spend this time not behind bars rather with my family and I am forever grateful. I don't know if this would be considered a bailout in the GA Program but I do know I wouldn't have experienced any of my recovery without this unbelievably kind act.
Getting back to the restitution because I owe so much money and had to sell my home and care I know I my wife a great deal. I took away a very good life and I will have to somehow make this up to her the rest of our lives. The only true way to make any of this up to her is to stay in my recovery and not stray. I know if I stay in my recovery our lives together will continue to get better no matter where we reside. If I stray from my recovery our lives together cease to exist.
This is a fairly simple choice; I want our lives to get better which is why I choose to get better each and every day. I won't stop this recovery even though we maybe a continent a part because I do know that my "time" will be served at some point and our lives will be back together. I do look forward to this day but I know I can't get there from today. I can only get there one day at a time and this will equal a great lifetime.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
Statistics
Finding comprehensive reliable statistics in the field of problem gambling can be very difficult. Today I read an article (unfortunately the link doesn't work, sorry) regarding senior citizens who reside in the great state of New Jersey (no irony there!) and in this article it stated that 23% of these senior citizens have a gambling problem.
This equates to 340,000 people and remember this poll was just given to those over the age of 55 so there maybe well over 1,000,000 people who suffer with a gambling problem and the state has a population of 8,400,000. Also in the article the average senior citizen spends $14,300 per year in the casinos and $1,160 on lotteries. These are fairly staggering numbers in both the amount of problem gamblers and how much the senior citizens spend on their form of "entertainment".
This means that for every 8 people in New Jersey 1 can be considered a problem gambler. Using this very unscientific formula one can extrapolate for a state like mine California where there are roughly 33,000,000 people so one can say there are well over 4,000,000 problem gamblers and in a state where the annual budget is $2,000,000 to help those 4,000,000 problem gamblers which equals to 50 cents per person. This is downright horrible.
I have stated this many times; gambling/gaming is a HUGE business and is not going anywhere and they gambling corporations and tribal casinos have tremendous power so fighting them to cease operations is a moot point. However; it is in everyone's best interest to ensure there is enough funding to help those ravaged by this industry. Yes, I do remember not so long ago I was part of this industry and I made a very nice living from it which makes my particular situation even harder to understand from an outside perspective.
I knew about the ravages of gambling on "other" people yet I still succumb to the same problem. I let gambling take over my life and ruin it. Thank God I no longer live this way and I do understand there is a much better way to live which is without gambling. This life is so much better than my previous life and I am grateful each and every day for it. It took me 20 plus years to figure this out and it really doesn't matter it has taken me so long at least I finally figure out how to live this way.
The key concept for me is to adhere to the Gamblers Anonymous Program each and every day. I did not know this over fifteen and half months ago which is why I struggled all my adult life with my compulsive gambling addiction. I thought I was smarter than my addiction but I was not; I am not smarter than the GA Program which is why I listen and follow all the guidelines in my daily affairs. This has afforded me to get back my life and become the person I need to be.
Next week in Minneapolis, Minnesota the National Council on Problem Gambling which is headed by someone I have gotten to know over the past year Keith Whyte is holding their Annual Conference on Prevention, Research and Treatment of Problem Gambling. The theme of this year's conference is "Addressing Gambling Problems in Underserved Populations". I am not quite sure what that means but to me based on the previous statistics from the above article it appears that all areas in the United States are underserved. Anyone interested in finding out more about the conference please click here.
I do know one person who is holding a workshop at the Conference on Gamblers Anonymous. Which I believe is a great idea. When I attended the Conference on Problem Gambling last December I spoke to so many people who worked in the gaming industry and who were responsible for the problem gambling duties at their perspective casino and each person had no idea what GA was all about until they attended a meeting.
GA is such a powerful Program and for me is the only tool I know that works in fighting my compulsive gambling addiction. I understand this workshop will go through the GA Program and how one recovers from a compulsive gambling addiction with the help of Gamblers Anonymous. It should be a fantastic workshop and hopefully will open the eyes of many who attend. I do regret not being able to attend but I do know there will be many more of these conferences in the future which I will be a part of.
This equates to 340,000 people and remember this poll was just given to those over the age of 55 so there maybe well over 1,000,000 people who suffer with a gambling problem and the state has a population of 8,400,000. Also in the article the average senior citizen spends $14,300 per year in the casinos and $1,160 on lotteries. These are fairly staggering numbers in both the amount of problem gamblers and how much the senior citizens spend on their form of "entertainment".
This means that for every 8 people in New Jersey 1 can be considered a problem gambler. Using this very unscientific formula one can extrapolate for a state like mine California where there are roughly 33,000,000 people so one can say there are well over 4,000,000 problem gamblers and in a state where the annual budget is $2,000,000 to help those 4,000,000 problem gamblers which equals to 50 cents per person. This is downright horrible.
I have stated this many times; gambling/gaming is a HUGE business and is not going anywhere and they gambling corporations and tribal casinos have tremendous power so fighting them to cease operations is a moot point. However; it is in everyone's best interest to ensure there is enough funding to help those ravaged by this industry. Yes, I do remember not so long ago I was part of this industry and I made a very nice living from it which makes my particular situation even harder to understand from an outside perspective.
I knew about the ravages of gambling on "other" people yet I still succumb to the same problem. I let gambling take over my life and ruin it. Thank God I no longer live this way and I do understand there is a much better way to live which is without gambling. This life is so much better than my previous life and I am grateful each and every day for it. It took me 20 plus years to figure this out and it really doesn't matter it has taken me so long at least I finally figure out how to live this way.
The key concept for me is to adhere to the Gamblers Anonymous Program each and every day. I did not know this over fifteen and half months ago which is why I struggled all my adult life with my compulsive gambling addiction. I thought I was smarter than my addiction but I was not; I am not smarter than the GA Program which is why I listen and follow all the guidelines in my daily affairs. This has afforded me to get back my life and become the person I need to be.
Next week in Minneapolis, Minnesota the National Council on Problem Gambling which is headed by someone I have gotten to know over the past year Keith Whyte is holding their Annual Conference on Prevention, Research and Treatment of Problem Gambling. The theme of this year's conference is "Addressing Gambling Problems in Underserved Populations". I am not quite sure what that means but to me based on the previous statistics from the above article it appears that all areas in the United States are underserved. Anyone interested in finding out more about the conference please click here.
I do know one person who is holding a workshop at the Conference on Gamblers Anonymous. Which I believe is a great idea. When I attended the Conference on Problem Gambling last December I spoke to so many people who worked in the gaming industry and who were responsible for the problem gambling duties at their perspective casino and each person had no idea what GA was all about until they attended a meeting.
GA is such a powerful Program and for me is the only tool I know that works in fighting my compulsive gambling addiction. I understand this workshop will go through the GA Program and how one recovers from a compulsive gambling addiction with the help of Gamblers Anonymous. It should be a fantastic workshop and hopefully will open the eyes of many who attend. I do regret not being able to attend but I do know there will be many more of these conferences in the future which I will be a part of.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Moving
Moving and stress seem to be synonymous. When people move whether it is a short move or a long move there always seem to be stress. In my case we are moving a 2800 square foot house into a 400 square foot storage space and two of our dear friend's garages. Which all told adds up to be 800 square foot of storage and more stress.
Over the years we have accumulated a great deal of stuff. When my wife and I first moved from New Jersey to Las Vegas some 12 years ago we had one car; 10 boxes, family room furniture and a bed. When we moved from Las Vegas to Southern California (here) we had a 2100 square foot house with four bedroom sets, kitchen set, the same family room furniture, china closet and some 60 boxes along with other assorted children's toys and playsets. Now five years later as we depart this house we have even more stuff but the same family room furniture (I wonder why that is??). Now I know why people stay in one place for years!!!
We are moving the contents of our house into a storage facility out here in Southern California and three of the four inhabitants are moving almost 3,000 miles away to live with family. I am the only one who will be staying behind because I am a legally obligated to serve my time and hopefully this can start on July 12th of next month. I do get the pleasure of driving with my family across the country so we can get the children situated in New Jersey. All of the moving should be completed by next Thursday and our plans are to depart here a week from this coming Friday.
We will take our time driving across the country and stop and see some very good friends in Las Vegas where I also hope to take in a Las Vegas Gamblers Anonymous meeting. I am very curious to see a meeting in this town and I will set aside some time in order to attend at least one meeting. After spending a few days in Las Vegas visiting our friends we will head to Denver to see my younger sister and her family. It is about a 12 hour drive from Las Vegas which we hope to complete in one day. The children will have their fill of movies on the drive and I know my daughter will be able to occupy her time in a positive manner. My son on the other hand maybe a different story but I am sure everything will work out fine.
After spending a few days with my sister in Denver we will embark on a 25 hour drive towards New Jersey. I am not sure how much driving we will be doing in one day but we will try and shoot for somewhere between 10 and 12 hours. This should put us in New Jersey in time for the fourth of July holiday where there are plenty of summer picnics to attend. Also; my daughter really wants to see some good fireworks because last year she was severely disappointed as we stayed here in Southern California and didn't seek out the fireworks show. Hopefully, we will be able to satisfy her fireworks craving.
Getting back to the moving; yes, moving in and of itself is very stressful but this situation is somewhat more horrifying because I caused all this misery on my wife and children. My wife has been nothing short of spectacular while she has been packing up each of the rooms. She has enlisted a few of her dear friends and I know of one very special friend who is coming back tomorrow to help her box up more stuff. We have some incredible friends and I am amazed or actually blown away by the tremendous amount of giving that has been bestowed upon my family. I will keep saying this because it is so true; these are GREAT people and I am forever in their debt. I have not witnessed this much kindness and generosity ever in my life. They are all great friends.
The plan is to keep our things in storage until we figure out how long I will be "away" then a determination will be made by my wife as to what is the best course of action. Right now we cannot make any firm decisions. We can only plan for the worse which is why my family will be residing in New Jersey and if it isn't so bad we will see what makes sense financially and emotionally.
Yes, I was hoping to have a few months "under my belt" by now but that wasn't the case. I cannot control any of this and I look upon each day as a blessing. I will continue looking at each day as a blessing no matter where I am because each day is truly a blessing. I am so very happy to have found a place where I can recover from a very debilitating addiction. I didn't know how to recover up until fifteen and half months ago when I entered that Gamblers Anonymous meeting for the first time. Now I know to do the things that are suggested in the GA Program each and every day of my life and one of them is looking at each day as a blessing.
One of those blessings came tonight at the GA Speakers Meeting. We had a speaker with a little less than a year in the Program and I have been skeptical of this person for awhile but I was pleasantly shocked by their story. There is so much power in this Program and I will never judge a book by its cover because inside are so many different stories with the same theme; gambling stole my life and now I am trying to get it back. I know this was true for myself and I am so grateful to get back my life without gambling in it. This is a great life with great blessings which I enjoy each and everyday.
Over the years we have accumulated a great deal of stuff. When my wife and I first moved from New Jersey to Las Vegas some 12 years ago we had one car; 10 boxes, family room furniture and a bed. When we moved from Las Vegas to Southern California (here) we had a 2100 square foot house with four bedroom sets, kitchen set, the same family room furniture, china closet and some 60 boxes along with other assorted children's toys and playsets. Now five years later as we depart this house we have even more stuff but the same family room furniture (I wonder why that is??). Now I know why people stay in one place for years!!!
We are moving the contents of our house into a storage facility out here in Southern California and three of the four inhabitants are moving almost 3,000 miles away to live with family. I am the only one who will be staying behind because I am a legally obligated to serve my time and hopefully this can start on July 12th of next month. I do get the pleasure of driving with my family across the country so we can get the children situated in New Jersey. All of the moving should be completed by next Thursday and our plans are to depart here a week from this coming Friday.
We will take our time driving across the country and stop and see some very good friends in Las Vegas where I also hope to take in a Las Vegas Gamblers Anonymous meeting. I am very curious to see a meeting in this town and I will set aside some time in order to attend at least one meeting. After spending a few days in Las Vegas visiting our friends we will head to Denver to see my younger sister and her family. It is about a 12 hour drive from Las Vegas which we hope to complete in one day. The children will have their fill of movies on the drive and I know my daughter will be able to occupy her time in a positive manner. My son on the other hand maybe a different story but I am sure everything will work out fine.
After spending a few days with my sister in Denver we will embark on a 25 hour drive towards New Jersey. I am not sure how much driving we will be doing in one day but we will try and shoot for somewhere between 10 and 12 hours. This should put us in New Jersey in time for the fourth of July holiday where there are plenty of summer picnics to attend. Also; my daughter really wants to see some good fireworks because last year she was severely disappointed as we stayed here in Southern California and didn't seek out the fireworks show. Hopefully, we will be able to satisfy her fireworks craving.
Getting back to the moving; yes, moving in and of itself is very stressful but this situation is somewhat more horrifying because I caused all this misery on my wife and children. My wife has been nothing short of spectacular while she has been packing up each of the rooms. She has enlisted a few of her dear friends and I know of one very special friend who is coming back tomorrow to help her box up more stuff. We have some incredible friends and I am amazed or actually blown away by the tremendous amount of giving that has been bestowed upon my family. I will keep saying this because it is so true; these are GREAT people and I am forever in their debt. I have not witnessed this much kindness and generosity ever in my life. They are all great friends.
The plan is to keep our things in storage until we figure out how long I will be "away" then a determination will be made by my wife as to what is the best course of action. Right now we cannot make any firm decisions. We can only plan for the worse which is why my family will be residing in New Jersey and if it isn't so bad we will see what makes sense financially and emotionally.
Yes, I was hoping to have a few months "under my belt" by now but that wasn't the case. I cannot control any of this and I look upon each day as a blessing. I will continue looking at each day as a blessing no matter where I am because each day is truly a blessing. I am so very happy to have found a place where I can recover from a very debilitating addiction. I didn't know how to recover up until fifteen and half months ago when I entered that Gamblers Anonymous meeting for the first time. Now I know to do the things that are suggested in the GA Program each and every day of my life and one of them is looking at each day as a blessing.
One of those blessings came tonight at the GA Speakers Meeting. We had a speaker with a little less than a year in the Program and I have been skeptical of this person for awhile but I was pleasantly shocked by their story. There is so much power in this Program and I will never judge a book by its cover because inside are so many different stories with the same theme; gambling stole my life and now I am trying to get it back. I know this was true for myself and I am so grateful to get back my life without gambling in it. This is a great life with great blessings which I enjoy each and everyday.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Blog Number 400
When I started this blog last year I had no idea I would have made 399 posts and with this post 400!! In so many ways this blog has help aide in my recovery. I am so much better writing things down as opposed to verbalizing (is that a word?) those same thoughts. I am able to gather my thoughts and hopefully write them down in a orderly fashion which hopefully makes sense to others.
When my daughter was born in 1998 I kept a journal of her first year which was also a year in which I was not gambling. I would email these posts to my mother who made a book/journal with all the emails and we will forever have my daughter's first year of life in written form as I witnessed it. Somewhere around year two I stopped keeping this journal because my compulsive gambling took over my life. I was working at a job where I was completely unchallenged and the journal helped me the first year but gave way to the compulsive gambling for the next six years.
I didn't commit myself to Recovery 8 and 1/2 years ago when my daughter was born rather I committed myself to abstinence. I committed myself to abstinence by will power alone which proved to be a fatal mistake. It was fatal to think I could stop gambling with my own sheer will power but this was my mindset some 8 years ago. I thought I could "handle"/"control" anything in my life which was me just fooling myself. I couldn't "handle" my compulsive gambling but my arrogance made me believe I could.
Arrogance is one of those character defects I have had for such a long time. I am trying my best to rid myself of this character defect because no good can come of this thought. I am ridding myself of this character defect through the Gamblers Anonymous Program which is a Program that has given me my life back.
Eight years ago I was in a place (Las Vegas) where there are 100 GA meetings per week. The meetings are morning, afternoon, evening and some days at midnight. A town like Las Vegas where gambling is available 24 hours a day 7 days a week needs 100 GA meetings per week. The more I think about the more I am convinced there are so many other cities and towns where there "should" be 100 GA meetings per week because gambling is literally everywhere. I can toggle over to a gambling website from this computer in a matter of seconds and this goes for anyone with a computer. There is a whole new generation of compulsive gamblers but I digress and this will have to wait for another day.
Getting back to 8 years ago when I didn't find the GA Program; I didn't find it because I didn't look for it. I thought my sick twisted mind would guide me back to sanity when in essence my sick twisted mind drove me to insanity. I am not bitter I didn't find the GA Program 8 years ago or 20 years ago because that is in the past and I am forever grateful that I have found the GA Program some fifteen and half months ago. I know this Program will be with me the rest of my life but that in and of itself does NOT mean I will stay gamble free just because I love the GA Program. The only way for me to stay gamble free is to stay gamble free. Make sense???
I can stay gamble free with following the principles of the GA Program in my daily affairs but it all goes back to my sick twisted mind. I must be mindful of all these principles each and every day or that sick twisted mind of mine will lead me to the path of destruction. I have seen this path of destruction and I don't like where it has taken me and where it will take me in the not so distant future. I know as long as I keep my sick twisted mind from placing that first bet my life will continue to get better and better.
Yes, I have now made 400 posts and it is has helped me tremendously in my recovery. I do enjoy writing and hopefully these posts make sense to those of you who read them. But mostly these posts are for me to help me get better and never forget where I have been. In my past it has been easy for me to forget where I have been because my sick twisted mind released those terrible thoughts and masked them with my compulsive gambling endeavors. I don't need to self-medicate with gambling I need to recover from my compulsive gambling.
I am so happy I have found a Program in the GA Program, this blog, my new dear friends, old awesome friends and my fabulous family who have help me to recover. Recovery is a process and I am happy to be one year three months and 15 days into this process. This process will never end as long as I continue doing all the things I have done in the past fifteen and a half months. I do like this process so much better than any other process I have experienced in my life because I am finally becoming the person I am destined to be.
When my daughter was born in 1998 I kept a journal of her first year which was also a year in which I was not gambling. I would email these posts to my mother who made a book/journal with all the emails and we will forever have my daughter's first year of life in written form as I witnessed it. Somewhere around year two I stopped keeping this journal because my compulsive gambling took over my life. I was working at a job where I was completely unchallenged and the journal helped me the first year but gave way to the compulsive gambling for the next six years.
I didn't commit myself to Recovery 8 and 1/2 years ago when my daughter was born rather I committed myself to abstinence. I committed myself to abstinence by will power alone which proved to be a fatal mistake. It was fatal to think I could stop gambling with my own sheer will power but this was my mindset some 8 years ago. I thought I could "handle"/"control" anything in my life which was me just fooling myself. I couldn't "handle" my compulsive gambling but my arrogance made me believe I could.
Arrogance is one of those character defects I have had for such a long time. I am trying my best to rid myself of this character defect because no good can come of this thought. I am ridding myself of this character defect through the Gamblers Anonymous Program which is a Program that has given me my life back.
Eight years ago I was in a place (Las Vegas) where there are 100 GA meetings per week. The meetings are morning, afternoon, evening and some days at midnight. A town like Las Vegas where gambling is available 24 hours a day 7 days a week needs 100 GA meetings per week. The more I think about the more I am convinced there are so many other cities and towns where there "should" be 100 GA meetings per week because gambling is literally everywhere. I can toggle over to a gambling website from this computer in a matter of seconds and this goes for anyone with a computer. There is a whole new generation of compulsive gamblers but I digress and this will have to wait for another day.
Getting back to 8 years ago when I didn't find the GA Program; I didn't find it because I didn't look for it. I thought my sick twisted mind would guide me back to sanity when in essence my sick twisted mind drove me to insanity. I am not bitter I didn't find the GA Program 8 years ago or 20 years ago because that is in the past and I am forever grateful that I have found the GA Program some fifteen and half months ago. I know this Program will be with me the rest of my life but that in and of itself does NOT mean I will stay gamble free just because I love the GA Program. The only way for me to stay gamble free is to stay gamble free. Make sense???
I can stay gamble free with following the principles of the GA Program in my daily affairs but it all goes back to my sick twisted mind. I must be mindful of all these principles each and every day or that sick twisted mind of mine will lead me to the path of destruction. I have seen this path of destruction and I don't like where it has taken me and where it will take me in the not so distant future. I know as long as I keep my sick twisted mind from placing that first bet my life will continue to get better and better.
Yes, I have now made 400 posts and it is has helped me tremendously in my recovery. I do enjoy writing and hopefully these posts make sense to those of you who read them. But mostly these posts are for me to help me get better and never forget where I have been. In my past it has been easy for me to forget where I have been because my sick twisted mind released those terrible thoughts and masked them with my compulsive gambling endeavors. I don't need to self-medicate with gambling I need to recover from my compulsive gambling.
I am so happy I have found a Program in the GA Program, this blog, my new dear friends, old awesome friends and my fabulous family who have help me to recover. Recovery is a process and I am happy to be one year three months and 15 days into this process. This process will never end as long as I continue doing all the things I have done in the past fifteen and a half months. I do like this process so much better than any other process I have experienced in my life because I am finally becoming the person I am destined to be.
Monday, June 12, 2006
Summer Vacation
Now that the children have finished school this past Friday today was the first "official" day of summer vacation. Knowing my time is very limited this summer I want to take full advantage of the time I have left and spend as much of it with my family. Today my daughter's Brownie (think small Girl Scouts) troop had their end of year party at a Water Park in the Desert.
I mention the desert because it is important to remember the different climates in Southern California. We live about 60 miles west of Palm Springs where it is eternally warm and one can be completely sure that a June day in Palms Springs will be at least 100 degrees. This is not the case where we live and where some of the other Water Parks are located. June is a very temperamental month in our location and it can be in the 60's until late afternoon which is no fun for a Water Park. Which is why my daughter's esteem leader chose to go to a Water Park in the desert and I must say this was a very good decision.
Yes, I tagged along but I wasn't intrusive (I hope?). When I discovered I would still be around for today's date I had asked my wife if it would be okay if I went to the Water Park with her and I would take care of my son. I also asked if our good friends would join us with their husband and son as well. They are great people and joined us for a wonderful day.
We made the 60 mile drive with a few complications none of which were fatal thank God and finally made it to the Water Park. My explicit instructions were to stay with my good friend, his son and my son. I was NOT to interact with the Brownie troop. We did our best and had a good time with our five year old boys. I did miss my daredevil daughter go off a huge slide which is made for teenagers not 8 year old girls.
She was the only one brave enough of all the Brownie girls to go off this ride. I did not see her go down the slide but I knew if my daughter had asked me to go with her I would have gone with some very serious reservations. It is one of those slides where you are going VERY fast and at the end you wind up with a wedgy. My daughter has named it the WEDGEANATOR.
I was proud of my little girl to see how brave she has gotten. A few short years ago she didn't want to go anywhere without her mom or dad. Now she is going down rides by herself which are made for people much older than her. Wow, my little girl sure has grown up and it is going to be very interesting to see her in her teenage years. Hopefully, my case will be settled my the time she is a teenager so I can witness this!! That is my attempt at humor, my daughter will be a teenager in five years; God willing my case will be completed as well as my time.
It was a very good day and a very good start for my daughter and son's summer vacation. This summer vacation will go very fast for me and most likely the rest of my family. We are in the process of packing up the house and in less than two weeks we will put as much as we can in storage and drive cross country to New Jersey. My wife has made up her mind and she will be staying with her mother along with my son and daughter for the remainder of the summer. Also; they will be there while I am "away" whatever period of time this works out to be.
At first I was upset that my wife would be moving across country while I was "away". However, after thinking about it I have no right in this world to be upset because I did this to them not vice versa. It was my fault completely and I took away a very good life from my wife and children. Now it is my wife's turn to get back her life that I took away from her. I know everything will work out for the best because it always does.
I mention the desert because it is important to remember the different climates in Southern California. We live about 60 miles west of Palm Springs where it is eternally warm and one can be completely sure that a June day in Palms Springs will be at least 100 degrees. This is not the case where we live and where some of the other Water Parks are located. June is a very temperamental month in our location and it can be in the 60's until late afternoon which is no fun for a Water Park. Which is why my daughter's esteem leader chose to go to a Water Park in the desert and I must say this was a very good decision.
Yes, I tagged along but I wasn't intrusive (I hope?). When I discovered I would still be around for today's date I had asked my wife if it would be okay if I went to the Water Park with her and I would take care of my son. I also asked if our good friends would join us with their husband and son as well. They are great people and joined us for a wonderful day.
We made the 60 mile drive with a few complications none of which were fatal thank God and finally made it to the Water Park. My explicit instructions were to stay with my good friend, his son and my son. I was NOT to interact with the Brownie troop. We did our best and had a good time with our five year old boys. I did miss my daredevil daughter go off a huge slide which is made for teenagers not 8 year old girls.
She was the only one brave enough of all the Brownie girls to go off this ride. I did not see her go down the slide but I knew if my daughter had asked me to go with her I would have gone with some very serious reservations. It is one of those slides where you are going VERY fast and at the end you wind up with a wedgy. My daughter has named it the WEDGEANATOR.
I was proud of my little girl to see how brave she has gotten. A few short years ago she didn't want to go anywhere without her mom or dad. Now she is going down rides by herself which are made for people much older than her. Wow, my little girl sure has grown up and it is going to be very interesting to see her in her teenage years. Hopefully, my case will be settled my the time she is a teenager so I can witness this!! That is my attempt at humor, my daughter will be a teenager in five years; God willing my case will be completed as well as my time.
It was a very good day and a very good start for my daughter and son's summer vacation. This summer vacation will go very fast for me and most likely the rest of my family. We are in the process of packing up the house and in less than two weeks we will put as much as we can in storage and drive cross country to New Jersey. My wife has made up her mind and she will be staying with her mother along with my son and daughter for the remainder of the summer. Also; they will be there while I am "away" whatever period of time this works out to be.
At first I was upset that my wife would be moving across country while I was "away". However, after thinking about it I have no right in this world to be upset because I did this to them not vice versa. It was my fault completely and I took away a very good life from my wife and children. Now it is my wife's turn to get back her life that I took away from her. I know everything will work out for the best because it always does.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Remember the Story?
We all remember the story of Greg Hogan Jr.? I am sure many of you are saying who? It happened a little over six months ago in Pennsylvania; the college student; son of a preacher who robbed a bank to pay off his on-line gambling debts. Now you remember? Maybe some of you do and some of you don't but like any sensational story which runs its cycle and later streams out of the consciousness of many people.
I haven't forgot this story because it is all too familiar. How can a seemingly innocent 19 year old kid from the a good Midwestern family rob a bank? Simply answer; compulsive gambling addiction. Here is a very comprehensive story from the New York Times Magazine which details this young man's compulsive gambling addiction and recovery. The article is very long but please take the time and read it all; I found it extremely fascinating in many ways.
This is a very telling story what the rush of any gambling not only on-line poker can do to a person. I know first hand what that rush can do to a person and their family. This rush cannot be understood by the 95% of the population who either don't gamble or gamble normally (whatever that is!). This rush is all consuming and through twenty years of denying my compulsive gambling addiction became more and more prevalent as the wagers increased over the years.
Sometimes the only way out for a compulsive gambler like myself is to rob a bank or rob someone else. In order to satisfy that rush I didn't rob a bank but I stole from my employer. This is so wrong in many ways but it didn't matter when I was doing it I needed my fix and I just couldn't stop. I like this young man had to get caught in order to get better. Had I not gotten caught I would have ended up dead so I thank God everyday for that faithful day some fifteen months ago.
Researchers say that Internet poker is addictive. Players say that it's addictive. The federal government says that it's illegal. But colleges have done little to stop its spread on campus. Administrators who would never consider letting Budweiser install taps in dorm rooms have made high-speed Internet access a standard amenity, putting every student with a credit card minutes away from 24-hour high-stakes gambling. Would parent's of high school students host keg parties and say drink responsibly? I would doubt it but gambling seems so harmless and so acceptable more and more young people are becoming addicted. I wonder how different my life would have been if internet gambling had been available when I was in high school or college. Probably not much different because I was programmed from birth to be a compulsive gambler and I may have gotten in deeper faster but I still would have the problems I have now because of gambling.
I am not sure if awareness or going to the Gamblers Anonymous Meeting when I was 18 years old would have saved me. This is something I will never know but I do know now that I am forever grateful for finding the GA rooms some 21 years later and committing myself to recovery. I do have a long time left on this earth (God willing) and I will make it without the lies, deceit and dishonesty because of this Program.
In the article there is a paragraph which mentions GA; In July, at his parents' behest, Hogan attended a few Cleveland-area Gamblers Anonymous meetings, which proved handy when a friend took him to a Canadian casino to play live poker. He found it easy to play a disciplined game under the appraising eyes of older strangers and won $500. The G.A. meetings had taught him to recognize the fish at the table. Except for the one sitting in his seat. I am not speaking for Gamblers Anonymous I am speaking for myself because GA has no opinion on outside issues; this is my opinion; this is not the principle of Gamblers Anonymous. The principle of Gamblers Anonymous is to help others who have a DESIRE to stop gambling not recognize fish at a poker table.
I do take exception to this statement because I don't understand it at all. I have attended over 250 GA meetings and not one of those meetings did we discuss poker strategies in fact the discussions are primary based on recovery from this addiction not to this addiction. I know GA cannot make a statement about this paragraph but I will; it is unfortunate because the article is very well written and comprehensive to today's online gambling addictions. As I discerned from the article a compulsive gambling addiction is baffling, insidious, incomprehensible and makes people like myself do stupid things.
GA is a very simple Program for a very serious addiction and very complicated people. It is a fellowship of men and women helping others to arrest their gambling addictions. There are great steps in this Program and nowhere in those steps does GA recommend going to a live poker table and seeking out the "fish". I am a bit disappointed in this particular paragraph because it may keep people away from GA.
I know GA's public relations philosophy is based on attraction rather than promotion but this one paragraph goes against all the principles in the Program. I am forever grateful for this Program and I will not stand for anyone who denigrates this fabulous Program. I am sending an email to the author; magweb@nytimes.com voicing my displeasure.
As I stated before the article is well written and comprehensive not withstanding this paragraph on Gamblers Anonymous. It is very unfortunate because this young man has a horrible story which can lead to a positive story if he commits to his recovery. Apparently he has undergone treatment in Louisiana which has a great state run program. Normally these programs do interact with GA and hopefully this young man is committed to the Program. If not I do pray for his recovery whatever method he chooses. I do know for myself I cannot stray from the Program or life ceases to exist. I wish this young man the best.
I haven't forgot this story because it is all too familiar. How can a seemingly innocent 19 year old kid from the a good Midwestern family rob a bank? Simply answer; compulsive gambling addiction. Here is a very comprehensive story from the New York Times Magazine which details this young man's compulsive gambling addiction and recovery. The article is very long but please take the time and read it all; I found it extremely fascinating in many ways.
This is a very telling story what the rush of any gambling not only on-line poker can do to a person. I know first hand what that rush can do to a person and their family. This rush cannot be understood by the 95% of the population who either don't gamble or gamble normally (whatever that is!). This rush is all consuming and through twenty years of denying my compulsive gambling addiction became more and more prevalent as the wagers increased over the years.
Sometimes the only way out for a compulsive gambler like myself is to rob a bank or rob someone else. In order to satisfy that rush I didn't rob a bank but I stole from my employer. This is so wrong in many ways but it didn't matter when I was doing it I needed my fix and I just couldn't stop. I like this young man had to get caught in order to get better. Had I not gotten caught I would have ended up dead so I thank God everyday for that faithful day some fifteen months ago.
Researchers say that Internet poker is addictive. Players say that it's addictive. The federal government says that it's illegal. But colleges have done little to stop its spread on campus. Administrators who would never consider letting Budweiser install taps in dorm rooms have made high-speed Internet access a standard amenity, putting every student with a credit card minutes away from 24-hour high-stakes gambling. Would parent's of high school students host keg parties and say drink responsibly? I would doubt it but gambling seems so harmless and so acceptable more and more young people are becoming addicted. I wonder how different my life would have been if internet gambling had been available when I was in high school or college. Probably not much different because I was programmed from birth to be a compulsive gambler and I may have gotten in deeper faster but I still would have the problems I have now because of gambling.
I am not sure if awareness or going to the Gamblers Anonymous Meeting when I was 18 years old would have saved me. This is something I will never know but I do know now that I am forever grateful for finding the GA rooms some 21 years later and committing myself to recovery. I do have a long time left on this earth (God willing) and I will make it without the lies, deceit and dishonesty because of this Program.
In the article there is a paragraph which mentions GA; In July, at his parents' behest, Hogan attended a few Cleveland-area Gamblers Anonymous meetings, which proved handy when a friend took him to a Canadian casino to play live poker. He found it easy to play a disciplined game under the appraising eyes of older strangers and won $500. The G.A. meetings had taught him to recognize the fish at the table. Except for the one sitting in his seat. I am not speaking for Gamblers Anonymous I am speaking for myself because GA has no opinion on outside issues; this is my opinion; this is not the principle of Gamblers Anonymous. The principle of Gamblers Anonymous is to help others who have a DESIRE to stop gambling not recognize fish at a poker table.
I do take exception to this statement because I don't understand it at all. I have attended over 250 GA meetings and not one of those meetings did we discuss poker strategies in fact the discussions are primary based on recovery from this addiction not to this addiction. I know GA cannot make a statement about this paragraph but I will; it is unfortunate because the article is very well written and comprehensive to today's online gambling addictions. As I discerned from the article a compulsive gambling addiction is baffling, insidious, incomprehensible and makes people like myself do stupid things.
GA is a very simple Program for a very serious addiction and very complicated people. It is a fellowship of men and women helping others to arrest their gambling addictions. There are great steps in this Program and nowhere in those steps does GA recommend going to a live poker table and seeking out the "fish". I am a bit disappointed in this particular paragraph because it may keep people away from GA.
I know GA's public relations philosophy is based on attraction rather than promotion but this one paragraph goes against all the principles in the Program. I am forever grateful for this Program and I will not stand for anyone who denigrates this fabulous Program. I am sending an email to the author; magweb@nytimes.com voicing my displeasure.
As I stated before the article is well written and comprehensive not withstanding this paragraph on Gamblers Anonymous. It is very unfortunate because this young man has a horrible story which can lead to a positive story if he commits to his recovery. Apparently he has undergone treatment in Louisiana which has a great state run program. Normally these programs do interact with GA and hopefully this young man is committed to the Program. If not I do pray for his recovery whatever method he chooses. I do know for myself I cannot stray from the Program or life ceases to exist. I wish this young man the best.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Super Saturday
Wow!!! What a great day, it started with a triple header birthday celebration at our Saturday Morning Gamblers Anonymous Meeting and ended with having a great time with our dear friends. In the morning our little GA group celebrated three birthdays which means each person has been abstinent from gambling and an active participant in the GA Program; we were celebrating a one, five and sixteen year birthdays.
Making one year in the GA Program is reason to celebrate because for every 100 people who enter the rooms for the first time only 8 make it to a birthday celebration. This does not mean that those 92 people who did not make it went out and gambled compulsively; what it does mean (in my opinion) is those 92 people are missing something very special. In addition as the years go by the numbers keep dropping which means we were very blessed to have all these celebrations in one day.
I was also blessed to co-chair the meeting with my dear friend who actually is my "twin" in the Program. My dear friend is my "twin" because we came to the Program on the same day and have stayed with the Program. It was my honor and privilege to co-chair the meeting something quite frankly I didn't believe I would have the opportunity to do a few short weeks ago. However; God wanted me to experience these blessings because God is not ready to commit me to state prison as of yet. I am so very grateful to have experienced this fantastic meeting with some great people in attendance.
We had 50 people attend the meeting; some 40 members and 10 distinguished guests including my wife and two children The meeting lasted 2 hours and 45 minutes which is a very long time but it certainly did not feel long at all. In fact, the first time I looked at my watch we were an hour and fifteen minutes into the meeting and I couldn't believe it had been that long; it certainly did not feel like it. It did not feel like it because there was so much love and positive emotions I didn't want the meeting to end.
One of the functions of someone who chairs a meeting is to ensure the meeting goes smoothly and everyone gets a chance to be heard. I know having a meeting of this length upsets some members but there were so many positive comments made about the three birthday celebrants I couldn't cut anyone off.
We had three very different people celebrated their birthdays; one male and two females. The person celebrating their sixteenth birthday in the Gamblers Anonymous Program is someone very near and dear to me; my sponsor. My sponsor in short has saved my life in so many different ways I will be forever grateful. In fact; my sponsor goes above and beyond the call of duty in not only GA but life. My sponsor gives and gives and gives some more and expects NOTHING in return. My sponsor is the definition of someone who is selfless. I know if it weren't for this person I wouldn't be here today. Thank you so very much you are my inspiration!!
One of the other two celebrants is also a very dear friend of mine and I have written about this person before. Yes, we couldn't be more different but as much as we are different we are very much the same. We are both battling a horrible insidious disease called compulsive gambling. I am so very happy to have come to know this person so very well and I am so happy to call them my friend. Yes, it is quite an accomplishment to reach a one year birthday in the GA Program but I and this person knows the road does not end here. I need this Program in my life or it will be doomed which is why I am so happy to have found a Program and people who have saved my life.
My dear friend was surrounded by their family and friends. It was so nice to see the support because I know when I was gambling I thought of no one but myself and this is the case for most of us compulsive gamblers. So there a great many people who I have hurt through my compulsive gambling as have so many others. This is why it is great to see a fellow recovering compulsive gambler to be surrounded by their loved ones.
There are so many special people in this world and I have come in contact with so many of them in the past fifteen months both inside and outside of the Program. The families and friends of all us recovering compulsive gamblers who stick around the recovering compulsive gambler should be eligible for sainthood. It is not easy to stay around someone like me who messed up the lives of so many people and I am forever grateful for their tremendous support.
It was an awesome meeting and I am so proud of everyone at that meeting. It is not easy recovering from this addiction but I have found a Program which if I apply it to my everyday activities I can't help but recover. However; I must be vigilant each and everyday or I will fall back into my old habits. I want to keep my old habits old and the only way for me to do this is to follow the GA Program to the best of my ability.
Later this evening our dear friends came over with their children. They came over for a family night of fun. The children always play very well together because we have matching sets of children; daughter 8 years old and son 5 years old just like my daughter and son. Even though one of the games we played "Pictionary" is NOT one of my favorites I managed to have a good time. You see; "Pictionary" is a drawing game and I am completely incapable of drawing a straight line let alone wall to wall carpeting. I do however; give anyone else who is playing the game a good laugh because even though I try my drawings are horrible to say the least. We did have a great time and sometimes "Pictionary" can get a little out of control with all the hooten and hollern but I need to be mindful of my ego and this game certainly knocks my ego down a few hundred pegs!!
I will miss these dear friends as I and my family start the next chapter of our lives but I do know that no matter where we are I will never forget all the things they have done for me and my family. These are great people and I am blessed to call them friends.
What an extraordinary day and it was a Super Saturday. My life is full of blessings and today my cup was overflowing. There was so much love all throughout the day and I am forever grateful for all these blessings.
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