Mentality Good

I did go ahead and take today off from working in the kitchen. It was yet another fortuitous day off because for some reason the kitchen only served one dining hall. This added another two hours to the service. Instead of coming back to the dormitory at 9:00 am they came back at 10:45 am. Just like last Sunday when the regular kitchen supervisor and I had decided to take the day off today was also a good day to be off. In fact, most of the regular kitchen staff decided to take off and we were all in agreement that we made the right decision.

Again I slept much better than I have on the top bunk because I only got up once to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. The weather is again getting colder and I needed the bigger blanket. Also, according to the one news segment I have seen in the past 2 ½ months the weather is changing drastically. The highs have been in the 90’s, but by Tuesday there are supposed to be in the low 70’s with the low temperature in the 40’s. This may not seem cold to most people but when you have thin blood like me and are used to warm weather it does seem cold (at least to me). In addition to the weather changing, there must be a wildfire nearly because the sky is very dark and the air has a distinct smell of smoke. I believe there is one somewhere but I have no idea as to how far away it is. This is fire season for California and I would expect there to be more than one wildfire.
If I do get assigned to a fire camp it would come at the perfect time. By the time I get through training (typically 2 to 3 months) fire season will be over and I will be completely trained by next season.

The “trans-pack list” (to refresh - this is the list that tells those inmates who have been transferred for the coming week where and when they are going) - come out this morning. I did not expect to be on it because I met with my counselor yesterday and it would have been somewhat of a miracle if I had been. No, I was not on it but now more than ever I am looking forward to this list as it comes out in the coming weeks - another refresher - typically this list comes out on Friday where I have seen it posted by 1:30pm and 6:00pm. I have also seen it posted Saturday morning around 9:00 am. This morning the list was not posted, but the C/O announced over the loudspeaker. I did listen intently for the miracle but I was also listening for fellow inmates who I have come to know over the past month.

It is certainly cyclical because now many of other inmates and myself who I have come to know have been in the dorm the longest. This means many of them will be leaving shortly and new inmates will be arriving. It appears to be a never-ending cycle because there certainly is no shortage of convicts. The faster one person is shipped the faster another inmate takes their bunk. It also appears that the prison officials have job security with a cycle like this.

A few of the inmates who work in the kitchen with me are leaving this week. Selfishly I was hoping some would stick around until at the very least I leave, and thankfully the “normal” inmate and one of my neighbors are staying. I did loose the two inmates who worked with me on the ovens. The three of us did work well and after tomorrow I will be the only one left. This will make this week very interesting because the two inmates who back them up are the two inmates who usually disappear when we are taking things out of the oven. It maybe a trying week but I like to look at it as a challenge of my patience and serenity. No matter what the job will get done and who knows maybe it will make this week go faster so Friday will be here faster. Remember Friday is the typical day for the “trans-pack” list.

After hearing all the names and places where they are being transferred, I realized that no one was assigned to Jamestown. The two fire camps are Jamestown and Susanville. My preference is Jamestown because as I have stated this facility supports all of the Southern California fire Camp stations and it isn’t very far from here. I think it is a 2 to 3 hour bus ride.

There were a few inmates assigned to Susanville, one being the inmate who worked with me on the ovens. His counselor recommended Susanville as the first choice and Jamestown as his second choice. This was a good sign for me because he did get his preference in Susanville and maybe I will get my preference. Anyway, there were inmates assigned to this Fire Camp training facility this week so maybe next week will be Jamestown’s turn. Of course this is wishful thinking and I really have no idea what is going to happen. I am very anxious to get to the next destination especially a fire camp but I do know that wherever my next destination maybe the first thing I am going to do is find a telephone. In all likelihood it will be at least two months since I have spoken to my wife. In 24 years since I have known my wife, we have never gone this long without speaking to one another. I am so anxious to hear her voice and also the voices of my son and daughter.

I was happy to take the morning off because I was able to hear the trans-pack list announcement and after this I got in a very good workout with my neighbor and the “normal” inmate. I am preparing for the fire camp physical training and although I may not weigh much I can hold my own with most exercises. I am looking forward to the physical training aspect of fire camp. I knew there was yet another reason why I have worked out all of these years and hopefully now it will pay off.

The workout this morning was great and lasted two hours. We each did over 900 push ups with various different positions. We hit it hard and each of us worked up a great sweat. I did notice something about myself which was I seem to get stronger the longer we were going at it. I believe this comes from all the aerobic activity I have done over my lifetime. It feels so good to do something physical and to get a good sweat going. From all indications the physical training in fire camp is not easy and it will be interesting to see how my physical shape compares to the other inmates. Hopefully, I will be given a chance.

After working out, I finally took a hot shower for the second day in a row. There is something to be said for hot showers and I am one person who really enjoys them. Yet another one of the small pleasures in life I have taken for granted. Who knew, for most of my 41 years I would either be at home or the gym, climb into the shower and boom, there would be hot water. This was taken away from me for the past 5 weeks but thankfully it appears to be back for the foreseeable future.

The shower was over and I had some catching up to do on my writing of letters. I composed four letters this afternoon to four very dear friends. This is yet another therapeutic exercise. While I am writing, I think about nothing but what I am writing. This is a form of meditation and truly puts me into a trance. It also puts me into a positive frame of mind. I came to the conclusion today that although I am in a very negative place physically, I am in a very positive place mentally. As long as I stay in this positive place mentally it doesn’t matter what happens while I am in this environment. I am going to make it through this situation and I am going to make it with a very positive attitude.

I keep replaying the “interview” with my counselor and yes, it was another bad situation. I know there are going to be more and more of these incidents in the years to come. As long as I stay in my recovery and keep a positive attitude it won’t matter what anyone says to me. These are just words from someone who is judging me from a computer printout. Yes, my actions were very bad but I will not fall into the trap of believing I am a bad person. I had bad actions and made very bad choices and I am suffering the consequences as is my family but I am better off today than I was over 19 months ago.

I know I cannot change anyone’s mind with things I say or even the positive things I do. People are going to think what ever they want and this is completely up to them. I am in control of one person and that is me. As long as I continue working my recovery to the best of my ability each and every day, it doesn’t matter what is said to me. I know I am doing my best and my life will continue to get better.

In my opinion, people in this world for the most part are good. I am surrounded by magnificence in my family and friends. This is almost like a cocoon. However, there are those negative influences out there in this world who have a tendency to bring me down, this happened yesterday. It is how I react to these negative situations that will determine the failure or success of my recovery. If I start the blame game or the woe is me attitude when encountered with these negative situations my recovery is doomed. However, if I truly understand the concept of serenity and truly understand I must stay positive no matter the situation then my recovery will continue to be successful. Being in a place like this is a good test of how much I have learned about myself and my recovery. I hear the blame game and the woe is me attitude all day long. I do not get involved in these conversations because it is pointless. I choose NOT to blame anyone and I choose to live each day with a positive purpose. Life is good and continues to get better as each day passes. As each day passes I know it is one day closer to being with my family and I will be with them for a lifetime.

On the Bottom

I have been overwhelmed by the amount of mail I have received this week. Each day I have been averaging five pieces. There is so much love in my life and I am forever grateful.

The odd thing about corresponding with “snail mail” is the delayed response. It usually takes between 2 to 3 weeks in order to connect the sending and receiving of letters. There are some wonderful people who are one and some two letters ahead of me(my mom is 100’s ahead of me) because of this delay. I assure everyone so far that I have responded to each letter that I have received with the exception of my mother who has sent me something each day, sometimes two – (I hate to know how much she is spending on postage). I have written so much my middle finger has a permanent indentation! I am by no means complaining because I love each letter even the not so good ones.

I am the envy of all the other inmates when mail call comes. My name is announced each day and I go from my bunk to the back left hand corner of the dorm/gymnasium (for you basketball fans out there – my bunk is situated where the base line and the end line meet) over to the C/O podium which is in the center (right hand side of the dorm/gymnasium) and back. As I walk back I pass several other bunks where I receive looks of disbelief. I try to not flaunt the mail I receive but lately there have been questions from other inmates; such as; “how many letters did you get today?” There are also some comments such as, “There should be a separate mail call for me from the rest of the other inmates because I am hogging the mail.” All the questions and comments are of a playful nature and no one appears upset by all the letters I receive.

Last night was the first dinner without my old Bunkie and it wasn’t the same but I did exchange my meat for vegetables and cornbread. Somehow I ended up with three pieces of cornbread which never happened when my old Bunkie was here. I believe some of the other inmates were concerned I wouldn’t get enough food in return for my meat, so they gave up their cornbread. It is fascinating in a place like this that I have found some very good people. I certainly wasn’t looking to make friends in fact, as everyone may recall my initial plan was to “stay under the radar and keep to myself.” I have pretty much kept to myself but I am not anti-social. I have been very respectful to everyone I have met and I have received this respect in return. This is a very different atmosphere from the County Jail and I am positive this has to do with the “old guy dorm”. Whatever it is I have been blessed with a very doable situation. Someone is looking out for me and hopefully as I continue my journey through the California Department of corrections this situation continues.

I spent my first night in almost 2 months sleeping on the bottom bunk. This was a very different experience. The bottom bunk is much darker that the top bunk because (other than the obvious of having a covering on the bottom bunk) I no longer have to deal with the night light shining directly above me. I slept much better and only woke up once during the night.

The overall experience of being on the bottom bunk is much different than the top. I feel more secluded and I can hear much better. I can no longer see the television which is no big deal because I couldn’t hear it anyway. I no longer hesitate to sit in my bunk because there is no more climbing up or down. Now I can see why the bottom bunk is the preferred bunk of man inmates. I didn’t mind the top bunk, but after awhile it became a pain especially in the middle of the night, now it is easy to get in and out of the bunk. Also, I can get more privacy by hanging towels or other clothing items on our clothesline. Yes, we have a clothesline (actually three) one which runs the length of the bunk on the left and right hand side and one which runs across the from two posts of the bunk posts. All three of these lines are on the inner portion of the bunk under the top bunk.

We use these mostly as clotheslines in order for our daily wash to dry. They do work very well but I have a hard time ringing out the very wet clothes. The clothes invariably drip on the bottom bunk and I have to go back to the sink to ring them out again. Ringing the clothes out in a place like this is an art form and many inmates (excluding me) have this down to a science. They shake the clothes out and wind them up very tight in order to ring them out with vigor. The key is to have the clothes not drip on the bottom bunk. I have a long way to go but I also have a long time to practice.

This morning we served the hard boiled eggs, beef hash which by the way was very different than the chipped beef because the beef hash contained onions and potatoes. Also the meat looked liked actual meat whereas the chipped beef look like well I won’t say so you can use your imagination. We also served the cornmeal mush as well. The hard boiled eggs were already cooked and ready to serve (they did smell very bad to me at least) but by judging how much the other kitchen workers ate, I would say they must have been very good. I stuck to my staple of hot cereal (cornmeal mush – directly from the oven without any water added) with added peanut butter, toast and skim milk. I did mix all of the cornmeal which protected me from the hard boiled egg smell. I did have a hard time being around the other inmates who were cracking, peeling and eating their eggs. This was much more difficult than being around the fried eggs. It reminded me of when my wife makes the “Easter Cheese”. I would describe this process but I won’t be able to put the words on paper without first visiting the restroom many times. If you are interested please email her.

We finished up the cleaning of the kitchen which once again included the ovens. These mornings seem to be going by faster and faster. We did finish before 9:00am which is very early. After everyone was finished we made our trek back to the dorm. I need to mention that even though the kitchen/chow hall is 8 steps away from the dormitory it takes 20 minutes to get back to the dorm. It takes this long because we go all the way around the back in order to go through the checkpoint. We cannot proceed back to the dorm until everyone has stripped down in order to proceed through the checkpoint and gets redressed.

As we were waiting to go through the checkpoint, the C/O who was escorting us pointed at me. I did not realize the C/O was pointing at me, I thought he was pointing at the inmate next to me. I finally realized it was me and the C/O instructed me to go to the front of the line because my COUNSELOR was waiting for me back at the dormitory. As soon as I heard the word counselor my ears propped up and I think I actually skipped to the front of the line. I undressed very quickly, went through the checkpoint, got redressed and was instructed to proceed back to the dorm by myself.

I was greeted by another C/O at the entrance of the dormitory who instructed me to fill out a “social factor” and my counselor will be right back to see me. A “social factor” is a one page form which asks for information regarding my family such as mother’s, father’s, sister’s names and their addresses along with telephone numbers. It also asked for my wife’s name, address, and telephone number in addition to my children’s names and ages. Also, last employee’s name and address. I believe all of this information is asked because if the inmate were to escape the police would have starting points. Maybe that is the cynical way of looking at and I would like to believe the counselor put more credence into this “social factor” but as you will read below this certainly was not the case. The C/O told me to hurry up and fill out this “social factor” because the counselor would be back any minute. I told the C/O I had already filled one out (I filled this out three weeks ago) and was ready whenever the counselor was ready.

I retuned back to the dorm at 9:00 am well in advance of the other kitchen workers as I was instructed. I waited patiently sitting near the C/O podium for my counselor. At 9:35 am I told the C/O I was going to change out of my work uniform and I would be back in two minutes. As soon as I took off my work uniform the C/O called my name over the loudspeaker because my counselor was at the podium, (Isn’t this always the case? When you wait for someone to show, but as soon as you leave the person shows up; as I returned to the podium the C/O made a comment to this affect as well).

Exactly seven weeks since arriving at the reception center I finally got to meet with my counselor. I handed him the “social factor” and he promptly placed this form into my file (I am guessing it was my file) without reviewing it. He had me sign an acknowledgement form. After I signed this form he had a copy of all my charges and my restitution amount. As he looked at my charges he turned to the C/O sitting right next to him and said, “Look at all these charges, can you believe he has all these charges and only got four years?” To the C/O’s credit she shrugged her shoulders as to say why are you telling me this (I need to point out that this “counseling session” was conducted with me standing at the podium looking up to the counselor who was sitting down adjacent to the C/O) thankfully the C/O didn’t say one word. The counselor went onto mention I had a previous charge. As soon as I heard this, I was put on the defensive and quickly corrected him. I pointed out that all the charges were from my one and only case. He quickly backed down.

At this point only 2 to 3 minutes had transpired and I felt like I was back in front of the judge on sentencing day. After going through this semi-inquisition the counselor stated my wife called him this morning. I believe he said she was asking him (also knowing my wife she was very respectful and polite which he made no mention of) when he would see me and what would happen next. He said to her, “I can’t tell you anything” and I am not sure if he told my wife if he was going to see me this morning. After saying this he told me he was NOT my assigned counselor and my assigned counselor wouldn’t get to me until a week or two from now; however, because my wife called this morning he would take my file and see me his morning. Thank you so very much, Monica. I love you so very much and thank you for looking out for me.

We finally moved onto his recommendation after he told me I have 8 points (very low, level 1, minimum security) he recommended FIRE CAMP (yah!). There are only two recommendations he made and mine were the two fire camp institutions which are Jamestown and Susanville. I have gone on and on about fire camp in the past so I won’t expand on this program. I am very happy to receive this recommendation; however, I have to remind myself there is no guarantee I will be placed into either one of these facilities. I will believe it when my name is on the trans-packet list and I am assigned to Susanville or Jamestown.

Of course this is a significant step in the process and now the waiting starts all over again. Normally it takes 2 to 4 weeks after seeing a counselor to be on the trans-packet list. I think we all can agree that my case has not been normal at the least; however, I am still hoping for the best but I am still expecting the worse.

I did ask the counselor about the restitution program and he said I am not eligible for this program because my sentence was too long. In order to be eligible, the sentence must be three years or less. He also asked me how I planned to payback my enormous amount of restitution, legally?. I replied fairly sternly that I will work hard and will payback this money. He didn’t have a further response. Incidentally my restitution paperwork does not reflect the money I have paid back; it only has the total amount including the taxes owed. This is something I need to ask my attorney because hopefully somewhere there is a record of the money which was paid back.

My waiting has finally ended for this step and even though my counselor’s session (which by the way lasted 8 minutes) did not go so well in terms of personalities, I did receive the recommendation I was seeking. As soon as I finished with my counselor many inmates asked me how it went and wanted to know the recommendations. I told each of them and I found out more about Fire Camp which has made me more interested. The quote I liked best was “Fire Camp is NOT like prison it is like Boot Camp without the Drill Sergeant”. I was also told that there is a camp very close to where I used to live and if possible I should strongly consider having my entire family visit including the children because this particular Fire Camp is very family oriented and the children should not miss the experience. Yes, I do know it is one step at a time and there are a few more steps which need to be accomplished before making any decisions like these. However, it is so nice to hear positive feedback and I look forward to going through the steps.

Moving Down

Yes, I will start out in the kitchen, even though it was uneventful. We had the fourth person who has worked on the ovens in the past and much like all of those times, he disappeared for long stretches. This doesn’t matter because the three of us had everything organized very well and when the fourth did show up, he helped with the cleaning. Every breakfast service that has a hot cereal, and I seem to wind up mixing and serving it. The reason I do this is so I don’t have to go near the egg dishes or the cream/chipped beef dishes which may even gross me out more than the eggs. Finally, the potatoes are very easy and I always let someone else work with them. My crazy mind only lets me deal with the hot cereals, but at the very least, everyone else working on the ovens knows this and has no problems with it.

For the second time this week, oatmeal was served, but this was a rolled oat variety. Each entrée has to be tested by the kitchen supervisor to ensure the proper temperature has been obtained. Sometimes this causes the food to lose its flavor and today some of the oatmeal turned to soup. I had never seen anything like it. When I opened the pan, the oatmeal had turned to brown soup. I would have thought that it would have burnt, but this was not the case. I don’t know how these are prepared before I put them in the oven, but something tells me there was something wrong with the mixture. This had never happened before and I had to throw out two full pans because it would not mix. I did show these to the kitchen supervisor and she couldn’t figure out why this had happened either. Oh, well!

As I was cleaning the oven, the kitchen supervisor came to me and told me that when I get home, I will be so proficient in cleaning; my wife will be very impressed. I laughed and agreed with her and we had a very pleasant little joking conversation after this. Who would have thought that I would become proficient in cleaning ovens, certainly not my wife! I guess I am changing but I will say if I never see or smell a large pot of cream/chipped beef or any egg dish again, I would be a very happy person. I don’t mind the cleaning, actually I enjoy it. I can concentrate on this minor task and think about nothing else which is a very good thing. I did not realize that cleaning could be therapeutic. I should probably erase this last sentence because it will probably come back to haunt me later!

We were instructed to take the eggs out of their boxes and place them into a six-inch pot that has holes all around the outside. We took all the eggs and placed them into 22 six-inch pans in order for the night crew to prepare them. Incidentally, I don’t have a problem with eggs in their natural form; it’s when they’re cracked that my psychosis takes over. Fortunately, these eggs will be prepared prior to my arrival in the kitchen tomorrow. All we have to do is serve them from the pots. I can imagine what the smell will be like when all the inmates start cracking and peeling their eggs (ugh)! I will be very close to the cornmeal the entire breakfast service and hopefully the smell from the eggs isn’t too overpowering.

As is always the case, I came back from the kitchen and arrived at the dorm to start my exercises. Lately, I have been working out with one of my bunk neighbors because it makes the exercise routine more interesting. Normally, I don’t like to workout with anyone else, but this isn’t normal and my bunk neighbor makes a good workout partner. (I will report more on this bunk neighbor in a future posting). As we were exercising, my bunkie’s name was called over the loud speaker calling him to come to the podium so he can speak with his counselor. I was excited for him but a little depressed for myself. I continued the workout and my Bunkie came back to the bunk area with a frown on his face. I was very surprised to see this kind of a look because I thought he would be elated. As soon as he got closer, I asked what the counselor said. He said the counselor told him he was going to a Substance Abuse Program (SAP) to help with his checkered drug addictive past. I said that this is a good thing. He told me he’s leaving right now for C-Yard. This was very perplexing because most inmates are sent to the SAP at other correctional facilities.

My Bunkie has five months left to serve on his 16-month sentence for parole violation. He was very disappointed to be staying here at the reception center. In fact, he felt this was taking a step backward because he just came from the C-Yard before getting into the OG dorm. He was also told that he would be transferred again to another SAP program at a different correctional facility. Again, this is interesting because most of these programs allow the inmates to go to a halfway house four months prior to their release. This would mean my Bunkie would be in the program for one month before going to a halfway house. We were both very perplexed as to why he was being sent to the SAP program after being here almost two months. Why wasn’t this done sooner? I don’t know the answer, but I have a strong feeling it has to do with the overcrowding situation and there just wasn’t any room until now. At the very least, he is entering into a program which will hopefully help him to recover from his addiction. He does understand that recovery programs have initiated a 12-step program in the past so this is nothing new to him. I hope and pray it helps him because he is a very good person who (just like me) let his addictive behavior ruin his life. Now he is being given a chance to take back his life and I wish him the best.

I will miss him, but prison being prison, has taught me not to get close to anyone because this is a temporary situation and here at the reception center, it is extremely temporary. People will come and go each and everyday. I arrived to start my sentence alone and I will be released alone. This does not mean that I am alone because I have worlds of support from my family and friends. This keeps me going each and everyday. I will make it and continue to be a much better person.

I have been fortunate with my bunkies and cellies, especially with the one who left today. We got along very well and I know he enjoyed trading our dinners every night. Now I need to find someone else which won’t be difficult because there already is a long line waiting for my food. I guess my eating habits put me at an advantage especially when it comes to making short-term friends.

There is a bright side to everything – as there is to my bunkie’s departure. I finally get the bottom bunk! I am moving down finally! The bottom bunk was my rightful assignment, but since he got to the dorm first, I gave it up and gave it to him. Now it’s my turn to claim the bottom bunk for the very first time since my sentencing, two and a half months ago. I was getting tired of jumping down in the middle of the night. Now I can roll right out of the bunk to the bathroom!

Ouch

I need to make a correction from last night’s entry. I did receive mail, one from my father and the other from a dear friend who sent a lot of postage stamps. There were so many stamps that the maximum allowable amount of 40 was exceeded and hopefully the extra amount of postage stamps were returned. Thank you much for your kindness and generosity. The letter from my father was very nice and very much appreciated. My record of receiving one piece of mail ever since my birthday is still in tact. Whew!

This morning in the kitchen was very easy because we had three people work the ovens for two items: coffee cake and grits. It really is only one item because the coffee cake takes no preparation time. It goes directly from the ovens to the frontline but makes a big mess for the pots and pans clean-up crew. Think about how “crumbly” coffee crumb cakes are when you bring them home from the bakery (East Coast thing). Multiply this by 1200 and it really makes a huge mess. Interestingly enough the regular pots and pans clean up crew takes coffee cake day, as one of their days off and today was no exception. The trays that hold the coffee cake are three feet long and 18 inches wide. I believe each tray serves 24 large pieces of cake. As I returned, the oven crew takes these from the oven and places them into the warmers on the front line. These trays get very hot and it usually isn’t any problem taking them in and out with potholders. Well, yesterday the potholders were nowhere to be found, as was the case today. We made makeshift potholders with towels (remember there is a great deal of improvising in prison). However, the towels worked fine yesterday with the six inch pots but were ineffective with the larger coffee cake trays.

As I was moving one of these trays from the 350-degree oven to the warmer, I burned my left forearm (ouch)! It wasn’t a bad burn and I was able to place warm water on it immediately followed by ice a few minutes later. I didn’t need medical attention; thankfully, remember the medical staff is something I would like to stay away from if at all possible. I do have a two inch burn mark on my forearm. I was told when I first “volunteered” for the ovens that I would get burned. I was doing so well because I made it 3 ½ weeks without an incident which has all changed today. Now I can show my replacement, whenever that may be, my war wounds from the ovens just like the inmates who trained me showed me theirs.

The next few days will probably get more difficult (so to speak) in the kitchen because the menu has the creamed and chipped beef along with two other oven entrees. (What really is the difference because both are disgusting to me). This means there will be at least one more person on the ovens which always adds to the “excitement” factor. I have sort of hit an automatic pilot stage when it comes to the ovens which may not be a good thing, but everything so far seems to be working well. I have one regular person and the third person helps out when he is not working on the grills. The three of us work very well together which maybe why I have hit the automatic pilot stage. Maybe the added fourth person will shake me out of this stage.

I was speaking with the kitchen supervisor a little more today about her transfer. She has been in this particular kitchen for three years and has Friday and Saturday as her days off. Also, she has to work any holiday that falls on her schedule. She is transferring to have Saturday and Sunday off and also she will get all the major holidays off as well. These were her reasons for transferring. This lady is so nice and it is amazing to find a ray of sunshine in a very cloudy sky. Her last day is on Sunday and I will be definitely going into work this day.

Today is one of those “hump” days and once it is over the week will soon be ending. In addition to the week ending, the month is coming to a close, also. I can’t believe it, but I like when the weeks and months end. Oh, who am I kidding? I certainly can believe it because the faster the weeks, months, and years end; the faster I will be back with my dear family.

After exercising, I went to take my usual “birdbath” when someone said the hot water in the showers has been turned on. Well, someone usually says this at least two or three times a day so I believe no one. I had my “bird bath” already in the shower area, but before I started, I felt the shower water. It was not as cold as it has been but in no way would I categorize it as hot. I proceeded with my “birdbath” which seems to work fine. After I was done, my Bunkie requested the bucket and went back to the bunk to get dressed. After I got dressed, I started to do the bridging work. I was doing this for approximately 30 minutes and my Bunkie had not returned. This was very unusual because he is always very fast when taking this bath.

The showers are all the way on the opposite corner of the gymnasium and they are the farthest thing from my bunk. That is good because there are bunks situated directly in front of the showers and I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to watch fellow inmates shower 12 hours a day everyday. I do like my little corner because it is far enough away from the “facilities”. When my Bunkie didn’t come back, I became curious. I looked across the dorm towards the shower and I could see him standing underneath the shower. This was very unusual because he went to take a “birdbath” and I believe he hates the cold shower as much as I do. A few inmates passed my bunk area and confirmed the hot water was on. It was finally true and as is the case with many things in life, had I waited an extra 10 minutes, I too could have taken a hot shower, but I was not that fortunate and it will have to wait until tomorrow. My Bunkie returned and said that if you turn the faucet all the way to the left, the water is almost scalding hot and by witnessing the red marks on his back, I could certainly believe him. At least we know we have hot water and the cold showers are a thing of the past – progress is very good.

The turning on of the hot showers did not come without controversy. There is a 602 form where an inmate or a group of inmates can fill out if they feel they are not getting the satisfaction they have been promised on a certain issue by a prison employee: CO, medical staff, or any person who works for the California Department of Corrections. A few – actually many (not me) signed the form to have the water turned on. This form is taken very seriously and makes its way through the chain of command very quickly. I believe the warden is notified of any and all 602’s. The CO’s responsible for the A Gym dorm took offense to this and had one of the inmates talk of his displeasure. I don’t know why the CO’s themselves did not do the talking but from what the inmate said (to everyone) the CO’s, their unit commander, and sergeant were extremely pissed. They threatened to transfer all the people who signed the 602 to other dorms and cellblocks, but there were too many inmates and it would have caused a major disruption.

I do have some strong feelings about what was said, but I will taper them because I am trying to understand the CO’s point of view. They are obviously pissed because their commander probably got chewed out who in turn chewed them out. However, the purpose of the 602 is to give the inmates some rights and all these inmates were doing was exercising their rights. I do understand the prison system is NOT a democracy nor should it be and the power is in the proper hands which are those who run the prison system. However, what is the true purpose of filing a 602 form if there will be retribution? It is sort of like a Catch 22 situation, damned if you do and damned if you don’t. At least the hot water is now turned on and the inmates who signed the form have not been transferred to those awful dorms or cellblocks.

I am very fortunate to be housed in the “Old Guy” dorm and I am thankful each day because I hear horror stories from other inmates who have been transferred to this dorm from those awful places. One of these is a building right across the yard. This area where the reception inmates are housed is called the “sandbox” because they are housed in the common area of the mainline cellblocks. The reception center inmates are housed in bunks and they are instructed not to venture past the yellow lines which have been painted on the floor that resembles a big box (hence the name “sandbox”). The lights stay on all night and they are surrounded by level 3 mainline inmates. This is yet another example of the overcrowding of the prison system. Also, the building next to this one houses reception center inmates as well, but instead of bunks the inmates are housed in cells. Someone must really be watching out for me because even though the hot water has been turned off, I at least had the opportunity to take a shower everyday and I can walk around most of the day without fear of crossing the wrong line. Also, I am surrounded mostly by “Old Guys” just like me who just want to do their time and go home.

I was speaking to an inmate who resided in the same dorm that I used to be in. He had been there for approximately four weeks and expressed to me his happiness to get out of that place. He told me there were fights everyday between the various inmates and right before he got here, there were gang fights. He couldn’t wait to get out. The television was blasting music each and every night. Oh, yes I do remember that. He was breathing a sigh of relief when he saw the “program” we had here. It is very good and I believe I need to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers. They are certainly working, thank you!

The hot water won the race between that and seeing my counselor. No, I still haven’t seen him, but there is still hope. An inmate who arrived the same day as I did and who was transferred the same three times that I was, is seeing his counselor tomorrow. His number is four before mine, so based on this very superficial extrapolation, I should see my counselor by the end of the week or the first part of next week. Of course, I will continue to keep everyone posted as to the status. It is a matter of time before I see him and will be on a countdown as to when I make the transport list. I do understand it is one small step at a time and I can’t get to wherever I am going without going through these steps. My serenity is still in tact and thank God for my recovery which helps me in so many ways and is not limited to only gambling. It has provided me with a new way of life and I love this new way because I am finally taking my life back.

Days in Segments

This morning, as I prepared the oatmeal and potatoes to go along with the fried eggs (yuk), I found out that the kitchen supervisor, who I get along with very well, is transferring to the central kitchen. Her last day with us will be this Thursday. This is somewhat unfortunate because she is such a nice lady and things run so much smoother when she works. I don’t know who will replace her, but hopefully it will be someone more organized than the weekend relief supervisor. (As an inside, I really can’t believe that I am commenting on the state prison’s kitchen staff. It does seem odd, but what else do I have to think about?)

I am not sure if I have described the supervisor and if I have, please excuse my repetitiveness. She is an older lady, most likely in her 60’s. Of course older is a relative term and is certainly not old, but she is older than me. She is definitely a grandmother and appears to get along with most everyone. She jokes around but when she wants something done, she gets it done. As I have mentioned previously, we get along very well, and she treats me like a person not an inmate. I will be sorry to see her go. I am sure there will be some adjustments necessary when the new kitchen supervisor starts next week.

As a matter of planning (for lack of a better word) I always look at the menu for the week. I like to see how many lunches contain tuna and peanut butter. This week there are four but one of those falls on a Sunday of which I was going to take off. I will still get the peanut butter, but I won’t get an extra because I wouldn’t be working. So, I was thinking about taking off on Saturday because the lunch menu is baloney and I always give that away. Besides the fact, that the breakfast menu contains chipped beef (again yuk) which I would have to put in the oven then into the six inch pots.

Isn’t this sad? So far I have written about the kitchen supervisor staffing issues in state prison and how the weekly menu influences the day I take off. I guess my priorities have changed? Sad but true, it’s the little things like these that keep me going each day. Here is another little matter - tomorrow’s breakfast items are coffee cake and grits. The cake is only warmed in the oven for 10 to 15 minutes and grits are very easy to mix. Of all the hot cereals, grits are the easiest followed by farina. The cracked wheat and oatmeal are the hardest because they are the thickest. Who says you don’t learn things in a place like this?

I was thinking about how my day is broken into segments. It starts at 3:45 am with the wake-up taps so I can go to work in the kitchen until 9:30 am. I return back to the dorm and immediately get undressed so I can workout until 11:00 am. (Another aside – I learned a new pushup called “Navy Seals”. It starts as a regular pushup but on the up movement you bring your right knee towards your chest and then go down. Then on the next up movement you bring your left knee towards your chest. Then finally, the third pushup is a regular pushup. These movements force the person to make a full up and down extension, which is very hard to cheat on. In addition to working the chest muscles, the knee movement works the lower stomach. I have been doing 400 regular pushups followed by 300 “Navy Seals” and my lower stomach was sore (I do like it when my muscles are sore). This could be yet another addiction. Okay, I started this as an aside but I have to discuss something that I miss a great deal which is riding the recumbant (sp?) exercise bike. Without fail, I have been doing this for the past 17 years and it has now been 2 ½ months since I have exercised on one of those. I like this much better than running because it puts no stress on my joints and it feels like a better aerobic workout. Chances are I will not be back on a recumbent (sp?) exercise cycle for a while but I do miss the sweaty mess I regularly made.

Where was I? And, I do apologize for the diversion. After finishing my “prison workout”, I take a shower or birdbath, depending on the status of the bucket. Today I took a cold shower because I couldn’t wait for the bucket. The cold shower is very tiring and I still have no idea when or if the hot water will be turned on. After the shower, I do my bridging workout until 1:30 when I make lunch for myself. It consists of peanut butter or tuna fish with an apple and some type of snack. Around 2:00 pm, I will either write a letter if I have any outstanding or I will work on some more bridging while I wait for mail call. That comes around 2:15 and usually (not today) I get at least one piece of mail and sometimes more. I will read my mail and then compose any letters which need to be written. I will do this until 5:00 pm when it is time to prepare for “chow”. Preparing for chow consists of keeping the bunk area clean of any hanging clothes. Each day I have to wash my underwear, socks, tee shirt, and work jumpsuit. The only way to dry them is to hang it from the bunk. However, when we go to chow, the CO’s do not allow us to have anything hanging from the bunk. I take this down and place it at the head of the bunk until I return from chow where I will again hang it until morning. “Chow” is between 5:30 pm – 5:45 pm and lasts 15 minutes. When I return, I place my clothes back on the bunk in order to dry. Then I begin writing my blog.

I will write for a while depending on how I feel but most times I am finished by 8:00 pm. At this time I brush my teeth in order to get ready for bed. Some days I will speak with other inmates or my Bunkie until 9:00 pm when we have to return to our bunk for the final count of the day. While lying there, I will normally talk with my Bunkie and a neighbor or read a little. Then by 9:30, the overhead lights go off and the night-lights come on. At this time I go to sleep and sleep soundly for about two hours until I consistently wake up to go to the bathroom at least two more times before getting the wakeup tap to start the whole process all over again. (Yet another aside – this top bunk thing is also getting old because hopping down and getting back up in the middle of the night has its drawbacks.)

There you have my typical day in short form. There are things which happen everyday but are really very insignificant. All in all, the days are going by faster. One last item I would like to write about is the misconception of prison being a solitary place.
It is quite the opposite (at least here). There aren’t any solitary moments with the exception of using the bathroom while working in the kitchen – only one inmate at a time. All the other times – morning, noon, and night – there is absolutely no privacy. The only semi privacy I get is when I run on Yard Day. Other than that, there is always another inmate within four feet of me at all times.

The more I think about it; maybe this lack of privacy is why some of the inmates keep coming back time and again? Unfortunately, some of these guys have no one and in a place like this they are accepted. In addition to being accepted, they get three meals a day (two of which are hot) a roof over their heads, and pretty much no responsibility. This really may sound crazy, but who knows some inmates actually like it in here. However, I would do anything (legally) to get out as soon as possible and I would do everything in my power to ensure I never come back. The only way to ensure this is to continue my recovery like I have been doing for the past 19 months. As long as I stay in recovery, I will not be back to this horrible place.

More of the Same

It was 3:45 am again which meant back to the kitchen. I had a very good day off yesterday and was ready to get back to more of the same routine. This morning marked the pancake, warmed prunes, and crack wheat menu items. It does seem like we just did these menu items last week because we did do them. The only problem with these items is the prunes because they are so messy and don’t look very well. However, me being the old man that I am, they taste fine. I wonder when this change took place to when I actually liked the taste of the prunes.

I remember feeding both my children prune baby food when they were little and they did eat it. I’m not sure if they actually enjoyed it. Now my children are eight and five, there is no way they would eat a prune let alone be in the same room with one. However, their old man father eats these things and enjoys them, go figure.

We only had another inmate and myself on the ovens to heat up the cracked wheat and prunes which worked out fine. The only issue is cleaning the ovens especially when the prune gravy spills out and cakes on the oven. This is nothing that a little soap, water, and steel wool can’t get off. The good thing about cleaning an industrial kitchen with industrial equipment is I can throw soap and water everywhere because there are built in drains. I think they should build home kitchens with these drains because it would make the cleaning so much simpler.

Luckily, there were no issues with anyone disappearing or not doing their job. The other inmate knows what to do and even though he is a little needy everything went very smoothly this morning. Also, as it turns out, the kitchen supervisor took yesterday off as well. I found this out as we were walking over and when I saw her I asked her about it. She said she called in sick and went on to tell me (with a wink and a nod) how sick she was. It looked as though she needed a day of rest which did her a world of good.

After eating too many pancakes and prunes, it was time for yard. I decided to take the day off from running because my loafers are starting to wear very thin and I am fearful of an injury. I decided to use some of the outdoor exercise equipment and proceeded to do a few sets of pull-ups. This is a very hard exercise and I could only do sets of seven. I was hoping to do ten, but it looks like I need to work up to this level. I was watching some of the other inmates and very few of them could do five. When I finished with the pull-ups, I decided to walk around the track with a fellow inmate who works in the kitchen. He is one of the few who has interesting stories because he has spent most of the past 20 years in and out of state and federal prisons. He was telling me some stories about his federal prison time and it sounds like he has met some colorful characters.

A few days ago, I had a conversation with another inmate who wanted to pick my brain. Apparently, he found out why I am here which really is no secret because there aren’t any secrets or privacy for that matter. He started out the conversation asking me financial questions. I told him my knowledge of the financial system which is more than the average inmate may know, but I am not sure if I gave him the answers he was seeking.

There is a whole different education component with certain inmates and their varied background. My discussions with these two inmates proved very insightful because they were both talking about tremendous amounts of money in a short period of time. I know a few years ago, I would have listened intently and been intrigued by the staggering amounts of money to be made, but now it made my stomach do flips and turns because I want nothing at all to do with illegal activities. The only way for me to earn money is to work hard and honestly. I have looked for the quick buck in the past to finance my compulsive gambling, but I have learned there is so much more to life than making the quick buck and gambling. My life is devoted to my recovery because one slip and indigressions of the past become huge problems in the present. I love my life now that I have been in recovery for almost 19 months and I know things will continue to get better and better as long as I stay on this path.

There are many bad influences in a place like this along with much negativity. However, my focus is on the positive in my life which is my wonderful family and tremendous friends. It certainly doesn’t matter that I don’t own a home or a car. I know as long as I don’t cut any corners everything will be fine. Material possessions will come and go but the main focus is on the three wonderful people who are currently in NJ. There is not a day – make that a minute – which goes by that I don’t think about them. I made a mess, but it really seems like everything is working out in their new surroundings.

Today at mail call, I received four letters: one from my younger sister, sister-in-law, and two wonderful friends. It seems everyone in the dorm knows I get a great deal of mail. I am a blessed person because there is so much love in my life. Unfortunately, many of these inmates have no one and there might be a slight bit of envy. I don’t flaunt my mail; I just go up to the CO at the podium and collect it. From there I take it directly back to my bunk and joyfully open each piece. Most times, I am on my bunk writing either this blog or writing back to my amazing family and friends. I try to blend into the woodwork –actually the cement – but the more I try, the more futile it has become. I need to face facts; I am very different from most everyone here. What I need to be careful of is alienating myself or acting as though I am better than anyone else. I am not; I am here for a reason just like everyone else. I share this commonality with everyone and I try to respect the rules no matter how much I disagree.

I am very fortunate to have been placed in the “OG” (Old Guy) dorm because other ones and other cellblocks around here aren’t as forgiving. It is a bit ironic that a building that was built as a gymnasium some four years ago has turned out to be the most desired dorm in the prison. This is a direct cause of the overcrowding in the prison system. If it wasn’t so crowded, chances are I would have been in a very different housing authority. This is proof positive that something good can come from something bad. I believe my overall situation will continue to turn into something good, all thanks to my recovery.

And again, I didn’t see my counselor today. Last night I did send in a request to set an appointment with him. It is my understanding that all requests must be answered so I am very interested to see if I do receive a response. Also, my Bunkie has not seen his counselor as well and he also sent in a request. Maybe our bunk number “69” is cursed? Who knows, but hopefully, this too shall pass sooner as opposed to later.

(Sidebar – Monica called the counselor on Friday the 29th approximately 9:00 am California time, and he told her that Paul was on his list for today! Fingers crossed~)

Day Off

I decided to break-up the routine by taking today off from the kitchen. It was a good day because the oven had only two items - triangle tater-tots and ham slices. Both are very easy to prepare because they go directly from the oven to the front line. I know the guys could handle this and I really needed a whole day of rest. Of course I instinctively woke up at 3:45am but went back to sleep until 6:30am. At this time the inmates were retrieving the clothes we exchanged on Thursday. Every week on Tuesday and Thursdays we exchange clothes. On Tuesdays it is sheets and pillowcases and on Thursdays it is clothing: shirts, pants, tee shirts, boxers, socks, and towels. It is a one for one exchange which means no matter how many pants are turned in we are getting back one pair. I have no idea as to why it is this way but it just is.

We usually get the clothes back one day later on Fridays but they were delayed and we got them back this morning. Of course there seems to be no shortage of drama and this morning was no exception. The inmates handing out the clothes were having a very hard time because somehow they ran out of clothing. This means some inmates did not get any clothes back. I was fortunate and received my whole compliment of clothing, whereas others received nothing. Just because these inmates did not receive their clothes back they still have clothes to wear. Remember it is a one for one exchange and many inmates (me included) have more than their initial allotment. Also, everyone seems to lend out clean clothing to those inmates in need.

With all this stated it still doesn’t lessen the drama which I am starting to find very comical (internally, I would never show this externally because some inmates may take offense). There were a few inmates in an uproar but again cooler heads prevailed. There was also another incident where someone who was supposed to help with the clothing exchange wasn’t awakened and because of this he felt disrespected. As it turns out my seating assignment at breakfast had me sit next to this person. It was fascinating to listen to his comments; I just nodded as he spoke.

It is apparent these things I view as petty are very important to others. It is essential I keep my opinions to myself for fear of disrespecting anyone. Also, there appears to be two factions here in this dormitory. One faction is made up of repeat offenders who want to honor the “prison code”. The other faction is made up of older inmates who may or may not be repeat offenders that “respect” the prison code but want to instill common sense into any situation. Thankfully this latter faction is winning out which maybe why this 35 years and older program has been incident free for two years since its inception.

It felt weird sitting in the chow hall for breakfast. The last time I did this was over 3 weeks ago but I needed a day of no kitchen. My routine has been very good but I needed a break. In fact, I think from now on I will take Sundays off as long as the menu stays the same. The menu has been very predictable on Sundays with the “Grand Slam” breakfast and in addition to a much-needed rest, it is one less day to have to spend around the fried eggs!

After breakfast I returned to my bunk and went back to sleep amongst the drama. I was able to get a good 2 hour nap and when I woke up the kitchen crew was returning. I spoke with one of my fellow kitchen workers who knew I was taking off. He told me I wasn’t allowed to take any more days off because he was working the ovens by himself. Of course, he was being sarcastic about this, but he did have to work the ovens by himself. I have always thought the lesser people working the ovens the better so in my opinion he was very fortunate. All he had to do was take the items out of the ovens and put them in the warmers. The only downside is that he had to clean by himself. I did pick a good day to take off and this will be part of my new routine.

After speaking with this inmate, it was my turn to get a haircut. There is an older gentleman/inmate (61 years old) who is a barber on the outside and he cuts all the whites and Mexican’s hair (remember the racism). As it turns out he is getting transferred tomorrow so I decided to get my haircut. Unfortunately, he does not have access to scissors only electric clippers. My hair does much better with scissors but there really aren’t any other options, also I didn’t want to take a chance on some of the other inmates who cut (it’s more of a buzz than a cut) hair. I wanted the trained professional?? He did an adequate job cutting my hair but sometimes you get what you pay for and it cost me one soup (20 cents). I didn’t have him do anything drastic to my hair, it is just shorter. The good thing about my hair and getting a bad hair cut is my hair will grow back, thankfully. No matter how bad the hair cut, it is only temporary as my current situation.

You maybe wondering why a 61 year old barber is in a place like this; one word DRUGS. He is addicted to crack cocaine and has had multiple offenses; he is also serving a four year term and gets out in June of 2008. No matter the addiction the consequences are horrifying and can affect anyone regardless of age.

I put my writing skills to good use this afternoon. I helped a fellow inmate write a letter to the District Attorney’s office in regard to his case. This inmate speaks very little English and I had to get someone to interpret while I was speaking to him. The letter was a matter that his attorney should have handled but unfortunately the attorney did not. I was happy to write the letter but based on the information I read it appears this inmate will have to forfeit a significant (to him and his wife) amount of money back to this state based on a communication error. I tried to explain that the letter may not help and please keep his expectations low. Sometimes no matter the situation, it is hard to keep low expectations when money is involved no matter the amount.

I was able to read my first newspaper since I have been here at the Reception Center. The newspaper was from yesterday (Saturday 9/23) and it was a local (Bakersfield, CA) newspaper but having any news was very welcomed. I couldn’t relate much to the local news section but having a newspaper is one of these little things I have taken for granted. There are so many things I have taken for granted which I have found that I will never do again.

Green Beans

Dinner time is roughly between 5:45 pm and 6:00 pm everyday. Last night was no exception, as we gathered to take the 10 steps to the “chow hall” right next door. I believe I have explained the “chow hall” in the past but I will give a refresher for the eating side instead of the serving side. Each table in the chow hall has four seats which are stainless steel as is the table. The inmates get their tray from the windowless window, move to the coffee or water section, then on to the tables. It is very orderly because as the inmates go to the tables the C/O’s direct the traffic. They start from the far end near the entrance and work back towards the kitchen. Each row is filled in and there is no cutting in line.

With that stated I always go with my Bunkie and the “normal” inmate. I always stand behind my Bunkie and in front of the “normal” inmate. This way at least two of us will get to sit together. Sometimes one of us is separated and sits with three different inmates. Last night I did stand behind my Bunkie but the normal inmate was ahead of us in line by six people. It is obvious why my Bunkie stands in front of me; I give him my meat and he gives me his vegetables and sometimes potatoes. Tonight was hamburgers and I know my Bunkie was looking forward to having a double hamburger.

As it turned out and even though I was standing behind him, he sat at one table and I sat at another table, this was the luck of the draw. Normally this would not be a problem when trading our food; however, tonight my Bunkie was at the end of one row of tables and I was at the beginning of the next row. This means we were across the chow hall from each other so trading our food was impossible. It was impossible because no inmate is allowed to get up during chow until instructed by the C/O. This has happened once before and it really isn’t a big deal because I usually end up making an inmate happy by giving away my meat.

I did give away my hamburger meat in exchange for some green beans. Normally I would trade for the baked potato but I really wasn’t very hungry this evening. I did make a fellow inmate happy and we proceeded with our chow. As we were eating a green bean came flying into our table and hit one of the inmates who was an older gentleman (around 60 years old) and then another which hit someone else at my table. We really weren’t sure where the green beans were coming from but we all had an idea. After these two green beans hit the two inmates at my table, two other green beans hit two more inmates sitting directly behind us.

Before I go any further I need to explain the racial seating preference. The three major races take turns as to who goes first and tonight was the “Southsiders” (Mexican descent) followed by the “Woods” (whites) followed by the African Americans (Blacks). The tables behind where I was sitting and where the two other green beans had hit were African Americans. This wouldn’t be too bad if the green beans were thrown by two “Woods” (whites).
It was okay that the two “Woods” hit the table I was sitting at because we were all “Woods”, however, two idiots who were drunk (yes, they get drunk here, remember my post on “pruno” well they were drunk on this stuff) decided it would be “cool” to throw their green beans.

Please remember I am in the best possible dormitory here at the Reception Center because we are all over the age of 35 and the politics are minimal. However, there are 138 inmates in this dormitory and there are bound to be a few “yahoos” no matter their age. Well these “yahoos” who were drunk almost incited a race riot. I am happy to report almost because cooler heads prevailed. Thank goodness for maturity or I really don’t want to guess what would have happened.

As we got back from chow I was getting “schooled” by my bunkies and neighbor as to the requirements in a race riot. I really couldn’t believe my ears because the discussions were bordering on the ridiculous. Even though I completely disagree with the two “Wood” yahoos and have only the color of our skin in common, yet I would have to take their side. If I don’t take their side I would be breaking one of the cardinal rules of prison which is all the individual races stick together. I did voice my opinion to my Bunkie and neighbor but what it comes down to is rules are rules.

Thankfully, nothing happened nor did I believe anything was going to happen because there are many inmates in the dorm who are over the age of 50. One of the last things any of these inmates want, including me, is to have a racial riot. I do understand these things happen and I need to be prepared; however, as I have mentioned all along my first priority is to my wife ad children so I must stay safe and be strong. Yes, things happen in a place like this but for the most part prison is very tedious and the biggest problem is boredom. I am aware of the many prison movies and television programs but the reality of it is there are many more boring days than the “exciting” days which the movies and television programs glorify. I have heard some stories but optimistically my next stop will have more inmates (just like this dorm) who are interested in doing their time and getting out rather than honoring some arcane code.

What would a daily blog entry be without a kitchen story? This morning just like the last three weeks I got the 3:45 am wake-up tap on the leg. I have been debating whether or not to take today or tomorrow off. I decided to go in today because there were (again) three hot entries; cracked wheat, scrambled eggs, and French toast which were all prepared in the ovens. Today is also one of the days off for the regular kitchen supervisor and her fill-in isn’t nearly as organized. However; for some reason I felt an obligation because the French toast is a pain because is burns easily and no one else had ever prepared it. I did go in and it was less hectic than yesterday but I had another quasi-incident with our fourth oven worker. This was a different inmate from yesterday but I had the same type of problems. This inmate disappeared and couldn’t be found for quite sometime.


I learned my lesson from yesterday because when he resurfaced I asked him where he was and if he could help out with the French toast. He gave me some excuse as to being in the bathroom and not being able to get latex gloves from the C/O so he couldn’t help out with the ovens. I let it go and we managed to get everything out without incident. I do understand discretion is the better part of valor and I was extremely discrete. I also know to pick my battles and this certainly was not one of them. In fact there are no battles here to even be won especially when you are dealing with such diverse personalities.

After work was over I returned to my dormitory to do my regular workout routine. After the workout I headed for the cold shower (yes, the showers are still cold, hmm I wonder if I will get to see my counselor before the hot water is turned on or will it be reversed, or will I never see my counselor and will the hot water never be turned on….hmm) where I took yet another “bird bath” and then I spent the rest of the afternoon corresponding with my wonderful friends. I am very fortunate to have so many exceptional people in my life and I am forever grateful.

Six Weeks and Counting

Six weeks ago today I arrived here at the Reception Center. I do remember that day like it was yesterday but on the other hand it seems like a long time ago. In these six weeks I have learned and continue to learn about prison life. I have met some interesting and some not so interesting inmates. But for the most part I am marking time because I have to serve time.

The hardest thing for me is to not look ahead. As everyday goes by it is one day closer to being with my family but there are still many days ahead. These days can only be lived one at a time which sometimes is a depressing thought in a place like this. There are days, actually it seems most days, where I look around in disbelief and wonder how the heck I let myself get to a place like this. Thankfully, I don’t dwell on this thought or I would fall into a very deep dark depression. I know exactly how I let myself get here and of course it is all my fault. However; I have found a new way of life which has given me so much hope and optimism. I know my current situation is only temporary and I also know my new way of life is permanent. My new way of life is permanent as long as I stay in recovery and life will continue to get better.

Sometimes I do lose focus, although briefly, and I catch myself thinking about how stupid I was when I let my compulsive gambling take over my life. I don’t dwell on the past but in a place like this no matter how busy I try to be, there is always down time. In this down time I cannot turn off my brain. I do wish I could turn it off for the next 22 months, but I realize this is not possible. As long as I work my Program, I will not revert back to old bad behaviors. I have instilled in myself new behaviors which are leading to success.

I had a feeling before I went to work in the kitchen that it was going to be a trying time. There were three items (rolled oats, cream of beef, and potatoes – which is also known as shit on a shingle–side note, how can anyone eat something with this name is beyond me!) which needed to be placed in the oven. Now please remember my initial plan of staying under the radar. Well because I have the most experience (a whole 3 weeks) on the ovens everyone was looking to me for direction. The last thing I wanted to do was to tell anyone what to do because this is how trouble starts.

There were four of us, including me, working the ovens which is a very good number. Three people are responsible for one item, from start to finish and the fourth person helps load and unload the ovens in addition to keeping the areas of preparation clean. This was my plan but I needed to figure out a way to explain it without sounding bossy. I didn’t want to not sound like the boss because the three other inmates working the ovens all asked me what to do. I explained the plan, rather nicely I may add, and everyone was in agreement.

The biggest push is to get out the “short line” by 5:30am. The “short line” is where we serve all the kitchen workers (with the exception of those working the ovens) their first breakfast. I have been in the kitchen three weeks and we rarely hit the 5:30am deadline. Some days are at 5:45am and other days we are at 6:00am. It really is very difficult to hit this deadline because the food is frozen and the ovens are not pre-heated. In addition to the ovens not being pre-heated most of them are very temperamental. If they are not closed with a piece of cardboard inside the oven to activate the seal, the temperature never reaches 350 degrees.

This morning we hit the 5:30 am deadline by a stroke of luck because all but three of the rolled oats didn’t cook because the oven wasn’t sealed properly. It only takes three pans of each item to feed the “short line” so we were in good shape but with the rolled oats being ice cold after being in the oven for an hour raised my attention level greatly. During “short line” the oven workers are still preparing the food for the rest of the breakfast service which starts at 6:30 am. When I saw that the rolled oats weren’t cooking I knew we needed to move them into a less temperamental oven.

I need to take a step back and explain the cooking assignments (briefly); I took the rolled oats (of course I wasn’t going to take the cream of beef which rivals the fried eggs on my gross-out meter), one person took the potatoes, one person the cream of beef and one floater. At 5:30 am when we prepared the “short line” and each of us were manning our prep stations, the floater person disappeared. At this time the rolled oats were cold and I needed the fourth person to help move the rolled oats into a different oven but he was no where to be seen. I looked all around and then I went out into the dining room to find him sitting down eating breakfast. When I saw him there I was faced with a decision which was to do nothing and let him eat his breakfast or go up to him and nicely ask him to come back into the kitchen to help out. I opted for the latter option and when I went up to him I was very nice because I don’t want to piss anyone off and asked him to come back and help out. In his defense he did not know he wasn’t supposed to eat breakfast with everyone else because I didn’t tell him. In my defense I didn’t tell him because I thought it was understood and sinc he has been in the kitchen for 2 weeks so I thought he knew.

Anyway, he was very polite to me, apologized, and came back to the ovens to help move the items around. I did tell him there would be plenty of time to eat breakfast when we finished placing the items in the ovens. Everything worked out fine even though the ovens were still being temperamental all morning. We were able to have enough items ready for the first breakfast service and had everything prepared by the third (out of six) breakfast service. In addition everyone who worked on the ovens was able to have their two breakfasts (some had three) without any problems.

I certainly haven’t tried in the least to raise my profile but circumstances such as the kitchen have done it for me. It seems to be okay for the time being because most of the inmates know my personality. I am not a threat to anyone and I don’t believe I come across as aloof or condescending. For the most part I get along with everyone no matter their race or ethnicity.

Speaking of race, it seems most of my longer conversations (with the exception of my Bunkie and the “normal” inmate) are with non-white inmates. I am not sure why this is happening and it certainly does not bother me in the least bit. But prison being prison, who knows if this will offend someone from my race but all things considered I have to be myself. With any luck being myself will continue to keep me strong and safe. Also, I rather enjoy these conversations much better than the conversations I have had with the white inmates. There are two things I have in common with my fellow white inmates which are being here in this place and the color of my skin. It is interesting how much race plays a key factor here in prison. Fortunately because my dormitory is for inmates over the age of 35, the maturity level is much higher than other dormitories and cooler heads prevail.

This being “yard day” I would be remiss in not mentioning it. Yes, I went out and ran the entire time just like usual. Now I have a cheering section on each lap which is quite funny. I guess my fly under the radar plan had a flaw in it; I couldn’t be my true self. In order to accomplish the plan I needed to be something I am not and let’s face it I stick out like a sore thumb. The key is to not come across as a sore thumb; hopefully, I am accomplishing this new plan.

I will end this passage with yet another report on my counselor. No, I didn’t see my counselor today which closes the week and Monday will start a new waiting period. I did learn of another program for first-time offenders who have committed non-violent crimes and owe restitution. It is called (quite appropriately) Restitution Program. This is where the inmate is housed in a halfway house and works in a “real” (not prison but privately sponsored) job in order to pay back restitution. There is a facility in Los Angeles and San Diego. Also, if all goes well after the first 30 days the inmate can go home on weekends. This means the inmate would be housed Monday through Friday in the halfway house. It sounds like a very intriguing program because I could be an active participant in society and serve my time constructively.

I found out all this from a fellow inmate who is departing next week for this program. He is going to the Los Angeles Program which is not far from his home. His restitution is minor compared to mine and I have no idea if this makes a difference. Also, I have no idea if the fact that my family currently resides in New Jersey has a bearing on my eligibility. I was happy to find out this information and whenever I get to see my counselor I have more questions to ask. All things considered I would still opt for a fire camp because even though I could go home (not to New Jersey though) on weekends in the Restitution Program, I would still rather go to fire camp because my overall sentence would be reduced six to seven months.

Prison Changes People

I have heard time and time again, “Prison changes people”, and it appears the change is not positive. This could be one of the reasons for the high recidivism rate. However, I understand this quote. In prison, I have tried to turn off certain emotions and only focus on getting through the day. But sometimes no matter how hard I try, I cannot suppress certain emotions. Some of the obvious ones are the emptiness I feel when I think about missing the next two years of my children’s lives. Also, the sadness I feel about not being able to be with my wife. I understand these are natural and will be with me no matter how hard I try to focus on today.

Some of the not so obvious emotions I try to suppress each day are how I deal with the other inmates. For the most part I have found a handful of some that are “okay” to be around. However, I find myself becoming increasingly impatient with some of the inmates who are working in the kitchen. For example, as we were walking over to the kitchen, one inmate asked where my Bunkie was. I told him he was taking the day off. He didn’t understand why he wasn’t showing up so I explained he was giving up his job to another inmate in order to give someone else a chance who wants to work. The other inmate said, “F… that, I NEVER take a day off and I would never give anyone a chance to work. Now, normally I would have let it go, but for some reason I responded with, “So no one has given you a break so you won’t give anyone else one?” His response, “Hell, no one cares about me so why should I care about anyone else?”


Again, normally I would have dropped it but I couldn’t so I responded “that is no way to go through life and a good way to come back here”. His response was “so what we are all going to die.” My response, “yes, that is true but it is no way to live your life.” Then he responded with you win, I give.” I said “it is not about winning or losing it is bout living life in a positive way.” To which he said again “you win I give.” At this I stopped the conversation.

In retrospect I have not engaged in this conversation but I am growing increasingly impatient with the negativity and self-destructive behavior of the other inmates. I have no right to inflict my beliefs on anyone and if a situation like this arises again I will hold my tongue. I can definitely see a person changing in a place like this because let’s face it this environment is not the most positive (understatement). Hopefully, I can get through the next twenty-two months without falling into the negativity because this would be detrimental to my recovery. I prefer to focus on the positive and I understand that not many other inmates have the incredible support I have with all my wonderful family members and friends.

The back of the kitchen has gone through a complete turnover and things run a little differently than they have a few short days ago. There really are no major problems and with the exception of burning of the dialysis (diabetics) tray everything has gone well. The burning of the dialysis tray was a breakdown of communication and I took responsibility for it. I was helping one of the inmates who was working on the grills by putting the tray in the oven. Unfortunately, he forgot to tell me the oven needed to be off because the trays only needed to be warmed not cooked. I put them in a full operational oven for five minutes and the items burned. I told the kitchen supervisor (the one I seem to get along with very well) that I take full responsibility for the burning of the dialysis trays. She was so kind in her response when she said “Don’t worry about it, they get enough food as is and these trays are excessive.” I was very pleased with her response and she said it while smiling. Here is another example of the GA Program working in my daily affairs. I was not looking to blame anyone else (like everyone else seems to do when things go wrong in the kitchen) I made a mistake and promptly admitted this mistake.

This comes naturally and I never hesitated when I said the trays were burned. This does not make me any better than anyone else, it just proves (yet again) the program works if I work it. Life is so much simpler following the program and it makes situations like this much easier. I am not sure why others seek to place blame elsewhere but I am very happy to take responsibility for my actions. This provides me with a positive life.

The kitchen with the exception of the dialysis trays ran smoothly today but it just seems less organized then it has been in the past. Yes, everyone is new and feeling their way around but there seems as if there is more attitude (not in a positive sense) than before. I am fortunate to have my duties and I get one or two helpers daily. Also, there are others in the back of the kitchen who enjoy helping me with the pots and pans. Also, I am able to build-up my forearms by mixing the hot cereals. The hot cereals are the only items which require additional preparation by having to mix water with them. Some of the hot cereals like oatmeal and farina are easy to mix but others like the grits and cracked wheat take more time. I am becoming quite handy with a whisk! Of course, the serving size is for fifty but when I get out I will be a wiz mixing the cream of wheat for my wife and children!

Last night’s dinner was a pre-Thanksgiving feast. It had all the trimmings (with the exception of stuffing) of a Thanksgiving dinner - a big piece of roast turkey, mashed potatoes, carrots, and red beans with apple crisp or dessert. Yes, I gave away my turkey (I have been toying with the idea of going back to eating turkey and chicken, it has been 10 years since I have had either of these) and I don’t want my first piece of white meat to be in a place like this. When I saw the roast turkey I had no desire to eat it so it will take time to get my mindset in order to eat turkey and chicken. Don’t worry my willpower is not faltering, I am just thinking about my dietary future. Also, I haven’t had a traumatic experience with chicken or turkey. I just decided to stop eating it to see if I could do it. I guess I was successful but again no dietary changes will take place while I am here. I am not sure if I can live with the stigma or rather the memory of eating my first piece of fowl in a foul place (if you will).

Here it is Thursday evening and yet another day has passed without seeing my counselor. Today marks my 42nd day here at the reception center. On average (my observation) counselors are seen between the 30th and 45th day. I have 3 more days to be average which appears highly unlikely knowing the past performance of my case - why would this be any different? One example of the randomness of seeing a counselor; a neighbor inmate who has been at the reception center for 4 months and 2 weeks (roughly 134 days) just saw his counselor on Tuesday while another neighbor inmate who arrived at the reception center one week after me saw his counselor two weeks ago and was transferred today. In both examples there weren’t any special circumstances so it falls into the area of God only knows. I am not sure if I can go four months (which would be December) without seeing a counselor so I will send in a request as to the status of seeing my counselor tomorrow.

I need to mention that my “Bunkie” has not seen his counselor and he came to the reception center two days prior to my arrival. He is a repeat offender and he has less than six months left to serve on his eight month sentence, whereas I am a first-time (only time!) offender and have less than twenty-two months to serve. Also, he has a different counselor than I have because the last two digits in his CDC number are different than mine. Again, going back to the randomness of seeing a counselor because none of this makes any sense. God please keep granting me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change because I am powerless to my surroundings.

I need to close on the mail note once again. I keep receiving letters from mostly my mom and my sponsor which are out of order. My mom’s letters/packages arrive at random. Today I received a letter from her dated September 8th and postmarked September 11th. There was something in the letter which referenced an event but the letter I read yesterday dated September 14th contradicted this event. I do understand what happened and it was a good thing but sometimes I have difficulty keeping track of the sequence of events. Please don’t get me wrong I LOVE receiving mail and I am forever grateful. I just wanted to explain why sometimes my responses in letters are off base. Anyway, please keep the letters coming.

Time Moving Fast?

How is it possible that time seems to be moving faster and faster as each day goes by? A few weeks ago I received a letter from a very dear friend who gave a great analogy which he used as he was serving our country overseas. This analogy had to do with Wednesday and when it was over, tomorrow was Thursday and the week was more than half over. The key was to get to Wednesday each week and the weeks would roll by. I may not have given this analogy justice, but I did feel it was quite appropriate. Today is Wednesday which flew by and now the week is almost over. Using this, it truly seems that time is going by faster. It’s a mind game and it’s working.

Each day is picking up speed and now I barely have enough time to read. This is a far cry from two months ago when all I did was read which is why I went through over 30 books in just 60 days. Now I have gone a few days without reading at all. What a difference a few months make and hopefully as I continue my journey through this system, the time continues to fly by.

I know ever since I started working in the kitchen, my days seemed shorter. Now that I have more responsibility, the mornings pass quickly. Take for instance today – there were only two of us working the ovens because everyone else was making pancakes on the grill. The only item which required oven heating was the cornmeal mush. I was paired with another inmate who has extensive cooking experience in the prison system. Unfortunately, his experience did not lend itself to our kitchen because there is no cooking performed. He was a nice enough man and he did explain Fire Camp a little more to me. He has gone there on four different occasions which is a sad thing in itself. Also, based on the articles I received from my mom regarding the prison system, it appears no matter where I am sent, my sentence term maybe reduced to 35%.

I would rather go to a Fire Camp where I can provide a service and be a productive member of society, as opposed to my lying around a private prison waiting for the days to tick on by. The camp seems like very hard work but most of this has to do with endurance. The training is performed hiking up the mountains to build strength and stamina. However, I do understand the choice is not mine and lies within the Department of Corrections. I also understand that no matter what my counselor has as a recommendation, it really doesn’t matter if there is no availability. No matter where I am sent next, I do hope I can find something constructive to do so time can pass quicker. As long as I am doing something, time will pass rapidly enough and I will be back with my family sooner.

Speaking of my family – it really sounds like the children have adjusted well. School appears to be going well for both of them. My son has surprised my wife with a few of his wonderful comments and he is staying away from the bad influence in his class. My daughter is making new friends and still enjoys school. It will be interesting to finally see them again because right now, they are changing very quickly.

Today was a very busy mail day. I received six pieces from four different people. My mom sent me three separate envelopes with postmark dates of 9/5, 9/12, and 9/15. The other pieces of mail were from my dear friends in GA and my “unexpected corresponder”. It appears that only his letters and my letters have proper timing. All of the other letters are not as prompt and even though it seems that it takes me a long time to respond, that is because the letters I receive take longer to get to me than the letters I send. Make sense? I enjoy and look forward to mail call each day. All the letters I receive are very special to me because I am truly surrounded by caring people. MY unexpected corresponder has excellent questions in his letters. When I finish responding, it feels very therapeutic because of the questions that are asked. I have received GA materials from many people including my mom and sponsor. I am up to Step Four in both the recovery and unity programs that my incredible sponsor has sent me. By the time my sentence will be served, I will have quite a collection of recovery materials. Also, I need to officially work the steps with my sponsor once my time has been served. These need to be worked over and over in order to not get complacent. I look forward to working these exercises with my sponsor. These are also worked continuously in my daily affairs. It is a proven method of recovery which has been utilized by thousands in order to get their sanity back one day at a time. I look forward to a long positive life which will be spent with my loving family.

This morning, as I was working in the kitchen, another inmate came up to me and asked if I would like a cup of coffee. I politely declined and he asked if I ever drank any coffee. I said, “Yes” but the last time was in February of 1989. You may ask why I know this. I do quite clearly remember the day and why I have never had a cup of coffee since. I was working with an accounting firm in NYC and I was at a client’s in Northern Jersey. We were wrapping up the audit and it was going to be a very long day so I had a cup for breakfast. I was not a coffee drinker in college and didn’t understand the fascination for it. However, once I got out in the real world I started having a morning cup of coffee. This day back in 1989, I exceeded my daily intake of coffee tenfold! We were working 16 hour days and this was the last day of the audit so we needed all the information gathered. Having exceeded my coffee allowance by so much, I was more than wired and by the 10th cup, I didn’t feel very well.

I was able to finish up the work and head home around midnight. I couldn’t sleep and was up all night! Thank goodness it was a Friday and there was no work the next day. I was so wired from all the coffee, I couldn’t fall asleep until Sunday night! (I guess this makes up for the weekend I slept through when I was a child) From that moment on, I swore off coffee and have not had a cup since. This is an example of my willpower and it is also another example of how a traumatic event influenced that willpower. It seems I need these events to kick start my willpower. Since this coffee event and an incident with red meat in 1990, I have not had either one. I believe these events tie in with my obsessive-compulsive nature. Yet, when I review my gambling history, I could not rely on willpower alone. I need a Program of Recovery which I have found in GA. Because of my obsessive-compulsive behavior once I get going with recovery, it is very hard to stop. Finally, this behavior is dealt with in a positive way.

Today was an extremely busy day with much correspondence. I responded to two letters and I worked on Day 4 of the “Bridging Program”. I had to turn in one portion to the instructor, and for the second time in a row I watched this man review other inmates work. It truly is unfortunate because he is only looking for a great deal of legible writing.
An inmate could put in a great deal of time and effort into their work but they could be on the wrong track. They will never know because no one reviews the content for substance. There is a saying in the accounting field that substance always exceeds form; however, this is not the case here. I turned in the orientation part of the program and gave it to the instructor. He took it from me, said thank you, and stuffed it into the back of his notebook without looking at it.

According to the conversation I had yesterday with this same instructor, the orientation package is “supposed” to go to a counselor in order to send the inmate to the proper facility accommodating the needs of the inmate. My top choice was Fire Camp followed by teacher’s aide. I doubt the package goes anywhere except in my file because the overall prison system is so overcrowded there is no way to accommodate anyone’s needs. With the recidivism rate hovering around 70%, it would benefit everyone if there was a program which truly helped the inmate get on the right path. However, for these programs to work effectively they need a great deal of money and no one is willing to spend any money on a system that is broken.

As I was working on the bridging materials today, I came across the “Life Style Criminality Screening Test”. This is a self-test to determine if the inmate is an habitual lifelong criminal. There were 14 questions and out of the highest score of 20, I scored a “0”. I guess I am not this type of criminal in spite of my “thief” past. One interesting facet of today’s module was the question of “Do you think you would be in prison today if you had understood the consequences involved in your actions?” If it were only this simple. Of course, the answer would be absolutely not! But in my opinion, this is just like the saying, “No to drugs campaign”.

The flipside to this question is the few inmates who weigh the consequences before they proceed with their actions. There are people I choose to stay far away from. What is interesting is after I explain my case to many different inmates, they all seem to ask the same question, “Was it worth it?” I actually got into a discussion when I said it certainly was NOT. Then his response was, “You wouldn’t have made a half million dollars in the next year, so was it worth it?” My response was, “I would have made more money had I not committed my crime because I had a very good job which I pissed away.” This ended the conversation rather quickly. I understand there are many points of view in this world and in prison, there are very few who share my point of view. It is like being in a foreign country that has very different ideals than I am used to. Not to mention the language, which has been a very huge adjustment, and I am constantly learning new words and their meanings everyday.

I got off track a little so I will get back to the bridging question. All of my actions have consequences. When I was deep into my compulsive gambling nothing mattered. I cared nothing about the consequences of my actions; I just cared about the next bet. Now after entering into a program of recovery, I have been given the tools to understand my actions. The key is to not gamble ever again and live life with a positive purpose. This will provide me with a wonderful life and I will never have to come back to a place like this.

Bridging

Of course, I have to start out with the kitchen, otherwise I wouldn’t have that much to write about. Today was the first time I worked the ovens as the one inmate with the most experience. Yesterday, all the kitchen workers were transferred and today the inmate who I get along with very well decided to take the day off because he sensed trouble brewing. He didn’t want any trouble since he is being transferred on Thursday. By trouble, I really mean “drama” not to worry.

It was interesting again because we had three items to prepare in the ovens: eggs, beans, and farina. I didn’t want to act like a boss but I needed to tell people what to do because they had no experience. This presented a dilemma because I didn’t want to come across in the wrong way so I tried to give helpful instructions. The biggest problem came when I saw someone doing something wrong. I went over to them and “suggested” they try it a different way and I would show them how. They took my direction and everyone got along well. The ovens are no big deal to work as long as the food does not get burned. The thing that I don’t really understand is people working hard but not necessarily smart. I am all for saving a few steps and working as efficient as possible while others just go through the motions. Maybe it’s me but if I have four pots that need to be placed in the warmer, I won’t make for separate trips carrying them. I will find the cart and wheel them over while others are content with taking the extra steps. I did give one of my helpful hints but was soon forgotten. Oh well, at least I tried.

Everything went very well with four people working the ovens. Four seems like the optimal number with all the items we had today. We weren’t stepping all over each other and we seemed to be somewhat efficient. The only negative and it is not really a negative because we are at the mercy of the overnight kitchen prep staff who make all the items for breakfast. Yesterday and today we had six full pots of the hot cereal left over which we dumped in the trash after we were done serving everyone. I guess its better to have more than less especially in a place like this. On the positive side, I got to stay here longer when the kitchen supervisor found two trays of coffeecake from yesterday. She told me to put them in the oven without telling anyone. Well a few minutes late the aroma permeated the whole area and questions began. When I brought the two trays to the frontline, I received a big cheer. I told the inmates to thank the kitchen supervisor which some actually did. It was a very positive morning and the days continue to go fast!

I got back to the dorm and was getting ready to do my morning exercises when my name came over the PA system. No, it wasn’t my counselor; it was the “Bridging Instructor”. You may ask, “Who is this?” He is responsible for disseminating the Bridging Education Program (BEP) curriculum to all the inmates who are eligible for halftime credit. Fortunately, I do fit into this category and after 39 days of being here, I have received my booklet. This is a very extensive booklet broken into four weeks consisting of 20 days. Each day contains learning modules which are Life Skills Personal Growth. This is a great theory but as I waited my turn to see the Instructor, I noticed him review other inmates’ books which were given to them two weeks ago. I am not sure I can label this a review because he wasn’t verifying the substance of the turned in material, he was just looking for anything written in the booklet.

Then it was my time to pick up materials. The gentleman started his normal speech about the program and asked if there were any programs I was interested in. I asked him about earning a Master’s Degree and his tone changed dramatically. He wasn’t exactly sure if this was available, but he told me to ask at the next stop. He then started to explain the bridging program and he was apologetic about the materials. The book was written by a Ph.D. and I told him that since this is mandatory for halftime credit, I will take this very seriously.

In defense of the poor Bridging Instructor, there is NO way he can do an in-depth review of the inmate’s material because there are so many of us. He could not possible devote the time since it would be impossible. He comes to our dorm twice every two weeks and we have 140 inmates to be seen. He spends two hours here and has to visit other dorms. He is responsible for over a 1000 inmates and is the only one handling these materials. To say he is overwhelmed may be an understatement. The theory of this program is well founded but put into practice, unfortunately, it fails miserably.

I spent the afternoon doing the first three days of the program. I can’t imagine how some of the other inmates get through this material. It really is a good book and it teaches the positive way of thinking. There is a section on journaling! In fact, everyday has this section. I was half-tempted to put a reference to my blog, but I wanted to take it seriously even though I know no one will read it. This may sound like busy work, but to me it is another part of my recovery. I really don’t know how this program will work with no assistance from an instructor especially from someone who is unwilling to change his behavior. One example of this is a module on self-esteem that to me is a life long process and it will take more than a few paragraphs to instill positive self-esteem into an inmate. As an aside, I remember talking to my therapist early on in my recovery and when I mentioned self-esteem, he let out a big sigh and mentioned that we only had an hour, not years. The module on self-esteem was very good, but many of these things I learned through GA.

Another interesting facet regarding the book is that it constantly refers to drug and alcohol addiction but nothing on gambling. I do understand that an addiction is an addiction, no matter what and all of the references are valid to my addiction. There is also a section on spirituality which is another part of GA Program.

I am assuming I am not the typical participant in the Bridging Program. But, nonetheless I will take it seriously, not only for the halftime credit but to become a better person. All the information is presented in a very positive manner although some exercises are remedial. They are necessary in order to explain the words used and regrettably there are many inmates with grade school education. I am no better than any of them because no matter my educational level, I am in the same place as they are. I do have a head start on my recovery, thanks to the GA Program which continues to save my life. Now I know I will be even busier writing in the next few weeks while working on this bridging material.

Next, a few administrative matters – I received a second letter from my wife yesterday and everyone is doing well! However, it took 11 days for the letter to reach me. This letter from NJ and another one from San Diego took 11 days. Yet, today I received a letter from my mother with some fascinating articles regarding the Prison System – which took seven days to reach. At least the mail is consistently inconsistent.