I received a very pleasant surprise yesterday when my name was announced over the loudspeaker. I arrived at the office and received a book entitled PLAYING FOR PIZZA by John Grisham. My darling sister who is so thoughtful in so many ways sent this. She knows I like the Grisham books and this marks his latest release. I was very happy to get it and so far the story line is quite interesting.
The mail consisted of three letters – two from my mother and one from a very dear friend. In my mother’s letter, she informed me that she will be coming back out here to visit me in January with two of our dear friends who live in Vegas. The airfares into Las Vegas are much less expensive than the airfares into the Southern California airports. The first major event I have to look forward to is the family visit with my wife which will happen at the end of November. I will get to spend 3 consecutive days with her. This will be wonderful and it will leave me with three months to go. When my mother arrives here I will have only forty odd days left which is very exciting. My release date is approaching very quickly!
I attempted to call my family today to wish my children a Happy Halloween before they went out, but I couldn’t get through because of the dastardly clock on the telephone once again. This will be my last Halloween away from my family and next year I will be trick or treating with them and I cannot wait!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Time Stands Still for No One
Most certainly, these days are blending very well into each other. Yesterday afternoon, the two crews that were out on the wildfires in San Diego came back. I heard a few stories of the wildfires, and it sounded like the first two days when the winds were blowing so fiercely were the worst. There was nothing anyone could do to contain the fires at that time so the crews spent the day staying out of harm’s way and cleaning up the highway with all the blown debris. When they finally went to work, they worked 20 hours straight, but after that, the work became less intense. The crews were in the same base camp that President Bush visited. Since they were “inmate” crews, they were not allowed to come out of their tent while President Bush was there. This is so unfortunate because the inmates/firefighters are an integral part of fighting the wildfires. California has had this program for over 50 years, and it most certainly works well; however, there are certain times such as last week when the crews were sequestered during the President’s visit that there is no doubt this is still prison.
One of the reasons why I took an in-camp position was exactly this. The treatment at times is less than human, and I did feel like a five year old. I always believed that the way you treat people is almost identical to the way they will act. This means when you treat a collective group of men like they are five years old, chances are they will act like five year olds. I thought this to be sad because it doesn’t need to be this way. Everyone at fire camp has gone through a lengthy process, and those that are deemed unworthy don’t make it. Everyone here is worthy, yet the treatment could be better. Yes, I understand this is prison and will always be prison. The adage, “If you don’t like it, don’t come to prison” springs to mind. I have been blessed all through my journey, and being at fire camp is most certainly one of those blessings. I am extremely grateful that I am here. All that I am trying to say is that the treatment of my fellow inmates could be a little better. We are all adults, and it would be nice to be treated accordingly.
I listened to the stories of the wildfire campaign and thought to myself how fortunate I am to be in-camp. I didn’t have to concern myself with sleeping in the dirt while the wind blew 90 miles an hour all night long, nor did I have to go in the fire bus which is a mini-prison on wheels. I am grateful for the experience I had, and I am now looking to spend the next four months in complete harmony. The past two months have been wonderful, and each day as I get closer to my release date gets better and better.
Yesterday afternoon, I finally took the time to start the outline for my possible book. The ideas flowed out of my naturally, and before I realized it, I had an entire legal page filled with ideas. I would like to model the book after “The Glass House” which was a memoir. This book started in the present and worked backward. My idea is very similar; however, I am a little uncertain how to tie things together. This was the only criticism I heard of “The Glass House” because even though there was a tie-in, I felt more stories would have been beneficial. Maybe this was the point since less is usually more. My story is nowhere near as tumultuous or fascinating for that matter as the author of “The Glass House.” I do have a message which is very simplistic. The message is personal responsibility because it doesn’t matter how I got here. What matters is that I take ownership of my life and my life continues to improve. I have a long way to go in completing the book, but it will happen. Little by little, I will get there, and who knows, maybe it will be published.
After dinner, the mail call was announced. I received three letters. One letter was from my unexpected pen pal who started writing to me back when I first started this journey some 15 months ago and has kept in touch ever since. In the letter was a picture of me taken nine years ago at a company Christmas party in Las Vegas. The picture is not the greatest, but when I looked at the date imprinted on it, I realized time stands still for no one. I was holding my daughter who was 10 months old at the time, and she was so tiny (also cute I must add). I looked relatively the same, and I believe I have those clothes somewhere in storage. I have aged, but looking at my daughter made me realize that time flies. I remember that Christmas party very well because the gifts given to the children were so generous. I remember doting over my daughter all day as she was just learning to walk, and I would walk with her by holding her hands. Wow, has it been nine years already? I know I shouldn’t do this, but in nine years from now, my daughter will be 18 years old and, presumably, will be getting ready to go to college. Is there any way to slow the calendar down? No, there isn’t, which is why I am making the most of every day, and when I am released in four months, this will be made even more special when I rejoin my family. I can never make up for lost time, but I can make the most of time, and I will.
I was very grateful for this photograph because it helped put everything in perspective for me. Time will continue to move no matter what I do or don’t do. The key for me is to enjoy each and every day one day at a time. Here I was looking at a photograph nine years ago and seeing how much my daughter has blossomed. Life does go on, and thankfully, my life goes on in a positive manner.
I read those three letters I received, and each one was wonderful in its own regard. I composed two letters after reading the mail, and then I lay down to go to sleep while listening to the Billy Joel CD. My sleep was not sound, and this time there were actual external interruptions. My roommate had just watched a movie and was telling me all about it. Once again, another interruption happened at 2:00 a.m. because my roommate received his wakeup call for the fire meal breakfast. This was planned, and two crews were headed out to Orange County. An hour later, the crew which resides in the same dorm received their wakeup call. I was still able to get up at my usual time and begin my exercising.
After exercising, I started my day as usual, and it was on to check-in. At check-in, I was asked about the bad reports on the cleaning of the bathrooms once again, and this time I had a short, succinct reply, “We know, and it won’t happen again.” Apparently, this reply was good enough, and the issue should be put to bed. I am certainly more mindful of the bathroom even after we have cleaned it. An example of this was last night when the two crews came back they had a great deal of garbage that filled up the trashcan in the bathroom. I had to take this trash out to the dump station on three different occasions, and one of these occasions was prior to 5:00 a.m. I know I am doing my best, and if there are more complaints, so be it. I also know the bathrooms are much better kept since my friend and I started to clean them. I can recall a few times prior that the trash was overflowing and the entire area appeared dirty. This won’t happen for the next four months because I am constantly monitoring the bathrooms. Okay, is this actually good that I really care about the cleanliness of the bathrooms? I think so!
One of the reasons why I took an in-camp position was exactly this. The treatment at times is less than human, and I did feel like a five year old. I always believed that the way you treat people is almost identical to the way they will act. This means when you treat a collective group of men like they are five years old, chances are they will act like five year olds. I thought this to be sad because it doesn’t need to be this way. Everyone at fire camp has gone through a lengthy process, and those that are deemed unworthy don’t make it. Everyone here is worthy, yet the treatment could be better. Yes, I understand this is prison and will always be prison. The adage, “If you don’t like it, don’t come to prison” springs to mind. I have been blessed all through my journey, and being at fire camp is most certainly one of those blessings. I am extremely grateful that I am here. All that I am trying to say is that the treatment of my fellow inmates could be a little better. We are all adults, and it would be nice to be treated accordingly.
I listened to the stories of the wildfire campaign and thought to myself how fortunate I am to be in-camp. I didn’t have to concern myself with sleeping in the dirt while the wind blew 90 miles an hour all night long, nor did I have to go in the fire bus which is a mini-prison on wheels. I am grateful for the experience I had, and I am now looking to spend the next four months in complete harmony. The past two months have been wonderful, and each day as I get closer to my release date gets better and better.
Yesterday afternoon, I finally took the time to start the outline for my possible book. The ideas flowed out of my naturally, and before I realized it, I had an entire legal page filled with ideas. I would like to model the book after “The Glass House” which was a memoir. This book started in the present and worked backward. My idea is very similar; however, I am a little uncertain how to tie things together. This was the only criticism I heard of “The Glass House” because even though there was a tie-in, I felt more stories would have been beneficial. Maybe this was the point since less is usually more. My story is nowhere near as tumultuous or fascinating for that matter as the author of “The Glass House.” I do have a message which is very simplistic. The message is personal responsibility because it doesn’t matter how I got here. What matters is that I take ownership of my life and my life continues to improve. I have a long way to go in completing the book, but it will happen. Little by little, I will get there, and who knows, maybe it will be published.
After dinner, the mail call was announced. I received three letters. One letter was from my unexpected pen pal who started writing to me back when I first started this journey some 15 months ago and has kept in touch ever since. In the letter was a picture of me taken nine years ago at a company Christmas party in Las Vegas. The picture is not the greatest, but when I looked at the date imprinted on it, I realized time stands still for no one. I was holding my daughter who was 10 months old at the time, and she was so tiny (also cute I must add). I looked relatively the same, and I believe I have those clothes somewhere in storage. I have aged, but looking at my daughter made me realize that time flies. I remember that Christmas party very well because the gifts given to the children were so generous. I remember doting over my daughter all day as she was just learning to walk, and I would walk with her by holding her hands. Wow, has it been nine years already? I know I shouldn’t do this, but in nine years from now, my daughter will be 18 years old and, presumably, will be getting ready to go to college. Is there any way to slow the calendar down? No, there isn’t, which is why I am making the most of every day, and when I am released in four months, this will be made even more special when I rejoin my family. I can never make up for lost time, but I can make the most of time, and I will.
I was very grateful for this photograph because it helped put everything in perspective for me. Time will continue to move no matter what I do or don’t do. The key for me is to enjoy each and every day one day at a time. Here I was looking at a photograph nine years ago and seeing how much my daughter has blossomed. Life does go on, and thankfully, my life goes on in a positive manner.
I read those three letters I received, and each one was wonderful in its own regard. I composed two letters after reading the mail, and then I lay down to go to sleep while listening to the Billy Joel CD. My sleep was not sound, and this time there were actual external interruptions. My roommate had just watched a movie and was telling me all about it. Once again, another interruption happened at 2:00 a.m. because my roommate received his wakeup call for the fire meal breakfast. This was planned, and two crews were headed out to Orange County. An hour later, the crew which resides in the same dorm received their wakeup call. I was still able to get up at my usual time and begin my exercising.
After exercising, I started my day as usual, and it was on to check-in. At check-in, I was asked about the bad reports on the cleaning of the bathrooms once again, and this time I had a short, succinct reply, “We know, and it won’t happen again.” Apparently, this reply was good enough, and the issue should be put to bed. I am certainly more mindful of the bathroom even after we have cleaned it. An example of this was last night when the two crews came back they had a great deal of garbage that filled up the trashcan in the bathroom. I had to take this trash out to the dump station on three different occasions, and one of these occasions was prior to 5:00 a.m. I know I am doing my best, and if there are more complaints, so be it. I also know the bathrooms are much better kept since my friend and I started to clean them. I can recall a few times prior that the trash was overflowing and the entire area appeared dirty. This won’t happen for the next four months because I am constantly monitoring the bathrooms. Okay, is this actually good that I really care about the cleanliness of the bathrooms? I think so!
Monday, October 29, 2007
Laughed So Hard I Cried!
I had the opportunity to telephone my mother yesterday afternoon. We talked for 30 minutes, and she told me a story that exemplifies how small a world we do live in. I won’t go into the story, but I will say there was a movie (it might have been a book first?) a few years ago called “Six Degrees of Separation,” and the theme of the movie is we are only separated by six degrees. I would move this down a few notches because in my mother’s story I was only separated by one degree. The story was fascinating and so was our entire discussion. My mother did not know anything about why the GA meeting/visit was cancelled, and I am hoping to receive some sort of correspondence later on today. Anyhow, the telephone call to my mother was wonderful.
As was the case the day before, I received a special sauce made by roommate over my noodles instead of the sausage everyone else received. I would say beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I ordered the food here, and it was food I could eat, there would be a revolt. I was very content with the meatless sauce which was very spicy – so spicy I had beads of sweat on my forehead.
Dinner was over, and I sat outside with my two friends (my roommate and the person who helps clean the bathrooms). We talked and watched the sunset. We sat outside for a few hours and then headed back to our rooms. My roommate listened to the radio broadcast of “60 Minutes.” I remember my Dad watching this religiously every Sunday night when I was growing up. Through the years, I stopped watching it for various reasons. I did enjoy listening to it last night, and this may have become our Sunday evening ritual.
The radio broadcast of “60 Minutes” was over, and I started to read “Virtue and Reality”. I made a comment as to how I really didn’t want to read the book because so many of the terms and names were almost impossible to pronounce. This set off one of those “you had to be there to appreciate” moments between my roommate and me. He made a comment, and I started laughing very hard. He continued making comments, and I laughed so hard I cried! This went on for at least 10 minutes, and at one point, I was laughing so deeply nothing came out of my mouth. I cannot possible recreate the moment because it was truly an inside joke, and no one other than the two of us, would appreciate it. I certainly appreciated the deep bellyaching laughter. This felt so good, and laughter is most certainly the best medicine. I haven’t experienced this type of laughter in a long, long time. Had I known prison was this much fun, I would have come years ago, NOT!! Nonetheless, I am making the very best of a bad situation, and if anyone would have told me 15-1/2 months ago when I was first sentenced that I would be sitting around on a Sunday evening as an inmate laughing so hard I was crying, I would have told that person they were insane. Well, it appears I am the insane one, especially considering how much I laughed. This is a good insanity as opposed to my previous insane ways. Amazingly, the situation continues to get better and better with each passing day.
The laughter subsided, and I went about reading the book. I brought up something in the book to my roommate, but I didn’t receive a response, so I looked over and he was fast asleep. He certainly does fall asleep quickly, and I kept the comment to myself. I got up at my usual time and woke up my roommate because he had to be at work earlier than usual. He was very chipper, and this had something to do with my comment to him about not being very chipper the morning before. He made it a point to display a chipper side. He did call me a “freak” because my tone always seems to be positive no matter what time of day. He could be correct because I notice that most everyone is a little groggy when they get up in the morning, and this stays with them for a while. I have initial grogginess, but it doesn’t last very long so I guess I am a freak!
While performing my normal run, I witnessed a beautiful sunrise that was even more beautiful than last week. This was a great way to start the day and the week. The rest of the day was very routine, which is a positive.
As was the case the day before, I received a special sauce made by roommate over my noodles instead of the sausage everyone else received. I would say beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I ordered the food here, and it was food I could eat, there would be a revolt. I was very content with the meatless sauce which was very spicy – so spicy I had beads of sweat on my forehead.
Dinner was over, and I sat outside with my two friends (my roommate and the person who helps clean the bathrooms). We talked and watched the sunset. We sat outside for a few hours and then headed back to our rooms. My roommate listened to the radio broadcast of “60 Minutes.” I remember my Dad watching this religiously every Sunday night when I was growing up. Through the years, I stopped watching it for various reasons. I did enjoy listening to it last night, and this may have become our Sunday evening ritual.
The radio broadcast of “60 Minutes” was over, and I started to read “Virtue and Reality”. I made a comment as to how I really didn’t want to read the book because so many of the terms and names were almost impossible to pronounce. This set off one of those “you had to be there to appreciate” moments between my roommate and me. He made a comment, and I started laughing very hard. He continued making comments, and I laughed so hard I cried! This went on for at least 10 minutes, and at one point, I was laughing so deeply nothing came out of my mouth. I cannot possible recreate the moment because it was truly an inside joke, and no one other than the two of us, would appreciate it. I certainly appreciated the deep bellyaching laughter. This felt so good, and laughter is most certainly the best medicine. I haven’t experienced this type of laughter in a long, long time. Had I known prison was this much fun, I would have come years ago, NOT!! Nonetheless, I am making the very best of a bad situation, and if anyone would have told me 15-1/2 months ago when I was first sentenced that I would be sitting around on a Sunday evening as an inmate laughing so hard I was crying, I would have told that person they were insane. Well, it appears I am the insane one, especially considering how much I laughed. This is a good insanity as opposed to my previous insane ways. Amazingly, the situation continues to get better and better with each passing day.
The laughter subsided, and I went about reading the book. I brought up something in the book to my roommate, but I didn’t receive a response, so I looked over and he was fast asleep. He certainly does fall asleep quickly, and I kept the comment to myself. I got up at my usual time and woke up my roommate because he had to be at work earlier than usual. He was very chipper, and this had something to do with my comment to him about not being very chipper the morning before. He made it a point to display a chipper side. He did call me a “freak” because my tone always seems to be positive no matter what time of day. He could be correct because I notice that most everyone is a little groggy when they get up in the morning, and this stays with them for a while. I have initial grogginess, but it doesn’t last very long so I guess I am a freak!
While performing my normal run, I witnessed a beautiful sunrise that was even more beautiful than last week. This was a great way to start the day and the week. The rest of the day was very routine, which is a positive.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Sunday, October 28th
1. Ping Pong Tournament
2. Old Photograph
3. No GA Meeting
4. Two Horses
1. Once dinner was completed, my two friends and I were looking for something to do. I suggested ping-pong and a mini tournament ensued between the three of us. Whoever won would stay at the table and play the person waiting. I won the first match and nothing else until the last match. The games were very competitive even with me! My roommate is probably the best among us as he won the most games. Winning and losing was superfluous because I had a very good time. We spent two hours playing and all of us were laughing and smiling the whole time. I likened this to a Saturday night at the Senior Citizen’s Community Center. We stayed busy and along the way had much fun!
2. My roommate showed me pictures of his parents and his dogs – a Labrador and Golden Retriever – I showed him an embarrassing photograph my mother had just sent me. It was a 24 year old picture of my wife and myself. I think my wife looked very good, but I looked “very different.” My roommate didn’t think it was me since I looked older than I do now, weighed at least 20 more pounds, and had a moustache. Anyhow he had a good chuckle of me from the past!
3. Normally my dear friends are the usually the first – or one of the first – to arrive when visiting opens. Well, visiting opened but my name wasn’t called. Another 30 minutes went by and I still wasn’t called. Normally, I am made aware of when the meeting/visit is cancelled and I hadn’t heard anything this week. I realize that with all wildfires this week, the visiting was in possible jeopardy. However, conditions had improved and I was looking forward to the visit. I do hope everyone is okay and I should find out more later when I call my mother. I do enjoy these visits so much, but I do understand my dear friends have lives to lead. I am grateful for every one of the meetings and I am beyond blessed to have these wonderful people in my life. I’m sure something just came up and they should reconvene at a later time.
4. A few weeks ago I received a narrative poem from a dear friend of mine. It’s beautiful and appropriate to my life. I hope you enjoy reading it.
Two Horses
By Anonymous
Just up the road from my home is a field with two horses in it
From a distance, each horse looks like any other horse
But if you stop your car, or are walking by, you will notice something quite amazing…
Looking into the eyes of one horse will disclose that he is blind
His owner has chosen not to put him down, but has made a good home for him
This alone is amazing.
If you stand nearby and listen, you will hear the sound of a bell
Looking around for the source of the bell, you will see it comes from a smaller horse in the field
Attached to the horse’s halter is a small bell
It lets the blind friend know where the other horse is, so he can follow.
As you stand and watch these two friends, you’ll see that the horse with the bell is always checking on the blind horse
And that the blind horse will listen for the bell and he slowly walks to where the other horse is, trusting that he will not be led astray
When the horse with the bell returns to the shelter of the barn each evening, it stops occasionally and looks back, making sure that the blind friend isn’t too far behind to hear the bell.
Sometimes we are the blind horse being guided by the little ringing bell
Other times we are the guide horse, helping others to find their way…
Good friends are like that…
You may not always see them, but you know they are always there.
Please listen for my bell and I’ll listen for yours
And, remember…be kinder than necessary – everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Saturday, October 27th
There was no “fire meal” last evening so it was back to my rice and beans which I prefer over the carnivorous fire meals any day of the week. The allergy/sneezing/scratchy throat was still with me after dinner, but I didn’t want to take any medications. I waited for mail call and received my weekly letter from my dear sponsor. He continues to amaze me because without fail I receive a letter every week. My sponsor has a very full life and no matter what is going on, he always seems to find the time to write me which I am extremely grateful.
Buddha
When I went to my room I asked my roommate if he had any allergy medication. He did and told me it made him drowsy which didn’t matter to me because I wanted something to make the sneezing stop. I took the medication and began to read VIRTUE AND REALITY by Lama Zopa Rinpoche. My friend – the one who helps me with the bathrooms – gave it to me. It’s a more in depth study of the teachings of Buddha. I wanted a better understanding of the Tao and some of the concepts which were written. This book does speak more in detail on some of those terms such as emptiness. I became drowsy from the medication and fell asleep.
Visitor
After breakfast, I made a telephone call to a friend who is coming to visit me on November 17th. He is very unique because we met after my wrong doings. We have actually only met one time “face to face” – all our other conversations have been via the telephone. The last time we met was over two years, but we have kept in touch over this time. I was very happy to hear that he was coming to visit and I am looking forward to it very much! My friend did ask me what to bring and if I wanted anything special. These are the times where it would come in handy if I ate like most other people because my response would have been “just bring what you like.” Instead I hesitated and since we were running out of time on the telephone, I told him I would write to him. I don’t want anything special and the fact that I will see my friend is enough for me. However, the visits can get lengthy and my friend may get hungry so I need to write explaining my pickiness. The more I run into these situations, the more I know I am a pain in the ass when it comes to food. I will think of something and regardless of the food, it will be a very good visit.
It has been a strange few days ever since the winds subsided because as soon as they were gone so was the blue sky. The past few days, the smoke from all the wildfires certainly filled the air. However, the haze seemed to be gone and was replaced with a cloudy sky.
The Dreaded Telephone Block
After my hike, I tried to call my wife but was unsuccessful reaching her. The dreaded block was back on her telephone which meant I couldn’t get through. Yes, this is frustrating, but I no longer get upset because it happens seemingly for no good reason. The telephone calls all throughout this process have been a lesson in futility. The telephone company truly has a captive audience and is really fleecing the friends and families of inmates. The choice I have is quite simply either place the telephone or don’t place it. I usually only make one call a week due to the prohibitive cost and sometime like today, I don’t get through because that phone company has blocked my wife’s number due to a billing issue. I guess the phone company has gotten burned with people not paying their exorbitant bills which is why when the bill reaches a certain dollar amount the telephone number is blocked. My wife continues to deal with this and so does my mother.
As I was talking with my friend earlier today, he mentioned that “prison is not supposed to be comfortable” and there are reminders of this on a daily basis. I continue to make the best of what could have very well been a terrible situation. I am not going to get upset over the telephone issue. A great philosopher said, “It is what it is” and this is so right. The best part about today is that it will be the last Saturday I will ever have to spend in prison for the month of October and that is wonderful!
Buddha
When I went to my room I asked my roommate if he had any allergy medication. He did and told me it made him drowsy which didn’t matter to me because I wanted something to make the sneezing stop. I took the medication and began to read VIRTUE AND REALITY by Lama Zopa Rinpoche. My friend – the one who helps me with the bathrooms – gave it to me. It’s a more in depth study of the teachings of Buddha. I wanted a better understanding of the Tao and some of the concepts which were written. This book does speak more in detail on some of those terms such as emptiness. I became drowsy from the medication and fell asleep.
Visitor
After breakfast, I made a telephone call to a friend who is coming to visit me on November 17th. He is very unique because we met after my wrong doings. We have actually only met one time “face to face” – all our other conversations have been via the telephone. The last time we met was over two years, but we have kept in touch over this time. I was very happy to hear that he was coming to visit and I am looking forward to it very much! My friend did ask me what to bring and if I wanted anything special. These are the times where it would come in handy if I ate like most other people because my response would have been “just bring what you like.” Instead I hesitated and since we were running out of time on the telephone, I told him I would write to him. I don’t want anything special and the fact that I will see my friend is enough for me. However, the visits can get lengthy and my friend may get hungry so I need to write explaining my pickiness. The more I run into these situations, the more I know I am a pain in the ass when it comes to food. I will think of something and regardless of the food, it will be a very good visit.
It has been a strange few days ever since the winds subsided because as soon as they were gone so was the blue sky. The past few days, the smoke from all the wildfires certainly filled the air. However, the haze seemed to be gone and was replaced with a cloudy sky.
The Dreaded Telephone Block
After my hike, I tried to call my wife but was unsuccessful reaching her. The dreaded block was back on her telephone which meant I couldn’t get through. Yes, this is frustrating, but I no longer get upset because it happens seemingly for no good reason. The telephone calls all throughout this process have been a lesson in futility. The telephone company truly has a captive audience and is really fleecing the friends and families of inmates. The choice I have is quite simply either place the telephone or don’t place it. I usually only make one call a week due to the prohibitive cost and sometime like today, I don’t get through because that phone company has blocked my wife’s number due to a billing issue. I guess the phone company has gotten burned with people not paying their exorbitant bills which is why when the bill reaches a certain dollar amount the telephone number is blocked. My wife continues to deal with this and so does my mother.
As I was talking with my friend earlier today, he mentioned that “prison is not supposed to be comfortable” and there are reminders of this on a daily basis. I continue to make the best of what could have very well been a terrible situation. I am not going to get upset over the telephone issue. A great philosopher said, “It is what it is” and this is so right. The best part about today is that it will be the last Saturday I will ever have to spend in prison for the month of October and that is wonderful!
Ah, a Friday Again
The Smoke Filled Air…
set up quite a site yesterday evening. Through the smoke and as the sun was setting and the moon rising the glow of the moon was a very vibrant red color! I’m not sure when the harvest moon occurs now what this looks like but if I had to guess it could have been last night since the moon was so different. It was a full moon and it was as if it was filled with blood a little later in the evening. The red hue gave way to a Halloween orange which lasted much longer. The colors were so fascinating and I suspect the wildfires in Southern Cal had something to do with it or maybe it was the Harvest Moon.
In between the moon color changes it was on to yet another fire meal for dinner. I think this was the fourth dinner fire meal in a row and I would like to know how much red meat is enough?
Sneezing
Yes, today is another Friday once again and the work week has come to an end. This has been a strange week and for some reason it felt longer than usual. I’m sure it had to do with all the commotion in camp which was caused by all the wildfires. Also, in my little bathroom porter world things did seem different which was caused by the comments earlier in the week. This has all been taken care of and today was a normal day. I got a bad case of the “sneezes” and I cleaned the bathroom and it seemed to stay with me all day. Yes, today is a bleach day, but I used much less than normal so I don’t believe the bleach caused the sneezing fit. It probably had to do with the poor air quality as the sky was once again filled with a gray hue. This did make for a spectacular sunrise with beautiful purple, gold, and blue colors surrounding the rising sun. Not only did I have sneezing fits during the day, my throat fills like I swallowed then pounds of dirt. I drank a gallon of water and ate some trail mix in hopes of alleviating the dirty throat feeling but it didn’t seem to work. The sneezing fits have subsided but my throat still feels odd. I don’t believe it is a cold and it is probably an allergic reaction to all the dust and smoke in the air. I know it will pass soon enough.
Fresca
In spite of the sneezing and dry throat I did have a good day. I had a good conversation that was more impromptu than anything. It was great to hear some of the observation that were made as it confirmed my thoughts as well. I even helped my roommate unload the milk delivery into the refrigerator which only involved enough people to get the job done in an efficient manner. I also helped unload the grocery delivery which appeared to be a restocking of the candies and sodas for the fire meals. I didn’t realize that Fresca is still sold and the assortment of sodas were not the usual brand names as well. I was looking for a case of “Tab” but didn’t see any, but it wouldn’t have surprised me if I did! It was a good feeling to help my roommate and did help to pass the day even quicker as I look forward to the weekend and the GA meeting/visit on Sunday.
set up quite a site yesterday evening. Through the smoke and as the sun was setting and the moon rising the glow of the moon was a very vibrant red color! I’m not sure when the harvest moon occurs now what this looks like but if I had to guess it could have been last night since the moon was so different. It was a full moon and it was as if it was filled with blood a little later in the evening. The red hue gave way to a Halloween orange which lasted much longer. The colors were so fascinating and I suspect the wildfires in Southern Cal had something to do with it or maybe it was the Harvest Moon.
In between the moon color changes it was on to yet another fire meal for dinner. I think this was the fourth dinner fire meal in a row and I would like to know how much red meat is enough?
Sneezing
Yes, today is another Friday once again and the work week has come to an end. This has been a strange week and for some reason it felt longer than usual. I’m sure it had to do with all the commotion in camp which was caused by all the wildfires. Also, in my little bathroom porter world things did seem different which was caused by the comments earlier in the week. This has all been taken care of and today was a normal day. I got a bad case of the “sneezes” and I cleaned the bathroom and it seemed to stay with me all day. Yes, today is a bleach day, but I used much less than normal so I don’t believe the bleach caused the sneezing fit. It probably had to do with the poor air quality as the sky was once again filled with a gray hue. This did make for a spectacular sunrise with beautiful purple, gold, and blue colors surrounding the rising sun. Not only did I have sneezing fits during the day, my throat fills like I swallowed then pounds of dirt. I drank a gallon of water and ate some trail mix in hopes of alleviating the dirty throat feeling but it didn’t seem to work. The sneezing fits have subsided but my throat still feels odd. I don’t believe it is a cold and it is probably an allergic reaction to all the dust and smoke in the air. I know it will pass soon enough.
Fresca
In spite of the sneezing and dry throat I did have a good day. I had a good conversation that was more impromptu than anything. It was great to hear some of the observation that were made as it confirmed my thoughts as well. I even helped my roommate unload the milk delivery into the refrigerator which only involved enough people to get the job done in an efficient manner. I also helped unload the grocery delivery which appeared to be a restocking of the candies and sodas for the fire meals. I didn’t realize that Fresca is still sold and the assortment of sodas were not the usual brand names as well. I was looking for a case of “Tab” but didn’t see any, but it wouldn’t have surprised me if I did! It was a good feeling to help my roommate and did help to pass the day even quicker as I look forward to the weekend and the GA meeting/visit on Sunday.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
October continued
Out of Body?
As I was reflecting on this passage, I fell into a deep meditative state for almost 15 minutes. This may sound strange, but I was floating outside my body, but I couldn’t see anything. I felt a floating sensation and was very peaceful. I snapped out of it and was very relaxed. I wasn’t trying to meditate – it just seemed to happen. I really enjoyed how this felt and I think it had a great deal to do with what I had just read. I am getting in touch with my true self and I like the results very much.
Today I was asked to play chess and for the first time in over 30 years, I did play. I got killed but had fun and it brought back memories of when I first learned how to play chess. I remember playing with my grandfather, father and older sister. Nothing has changed as I am still getting killed. And, in a first time in a very long time I played ping-pong with my roommate. Again I got killed which brought back memories of playing with my father at my grandparents’ house in the Poconos. My father and I had some very good matches and I remember getting very angry when I lost unlike I do today.
Mother Dear
I had some writing to do since yesterday I received 5 pieces of mail. I started out the week receiving 5 pieces and ended the week with amazingly 5 pieces. However, the surprising part of the mail last night was that I didn’t receive a letter from my mother. It does happen, not often but it does. My mom has been nothing short of superlative during this entire ordeal and I have lost count of all the mail she has sent me.
Visit from the Past, Present, and Future
My good friend was coming today for a visit from Las Vegas and was bringing me a special sandwich. Yes, “my pain in the ass ways” about food have now infiltrated my friends as I was specifically asked what he could bring. As I was called to visiting, I happily made my way down and saw my good friend. We greeted each other with a handshake and a hug. He said, “It has been too long” and he was correct since I hadn’t seen him since last year. Here I sat with a friend who has seen my past and is now in my present. Hopefully, as I go forward and start work in Vegas, he will be part of my future. He is a remarkable friend because he has never once judged me nor said, “How could you?” He is a true friend and it was great sitting and talking with him. I have always looked up to him and there are many similarities between the both of us. The time flew by so quickly and I enjoyed every minute of the visit. I realize I have lost friends because of my actions and I am positive at one point or another these were friends but my actions negated any friendship I may have had. The very good friend who came today is yet another blessing in my life!
As the visit ended and I walked back to camp, I was a bit down because I saw a glimpse of what might have been for me had I not gone down the road I went down. I quickly snapped out of this and focused on reality. My intention is to walk the walk and so far so good. Today was yet another fantastic day as I was touched by a very dear friend.
Wind and Fire Seemingly Everywhere
All of the crews with the exception of one were called out to the fires on October 22nd. I was speaking with a seasoned inmate/firefighter and someone I would consider the ultimate firefighter. He was asked if he had been out on a fire with such high winds as yesterday and today. His reply was, “Yes, and it is scary as Hell!” Two of our crews are in San Diego and the other is about an hour away. Thank Goodness I chose an incamp job when I did. One year ago this week the deadliest fire in California history started which was the Esperanza Fire which is not far from here. Unfortunately five firefighters lost their lives trying to protect a house.
Around camp there were tree branches and debris strewn all throughout the camp. The winds were so strong that if I tied a sheet to my back, I would have gone airborne! The blowing dust was causing an eye hazard even I didn’t exercise outside today.
Pressure
Being in camp doing my bathroom maintenance, I have been receiving threats in regard to keeping the bathroom clean or I will be sent back to the fire crew. Apparently, the bathrooms weren’t maintained well over the weekend (which are my days off and covered by another person) and I felt the wrath of the “dirty bathroom”. I’m not sure what has happened since I started last month but only until recently I have received these threats. The bathrooms have been cleaner than ever before and we have received many compliments regarding this. But, my opinion doesn’t count for much and I adhere to the thought process in THE POWER OF INTENTION and realized I am powerless within my existence here and I fully accept my lot. I am respectful, have a genuine smile, and say “yes” at all times. In Dr. Dyer’s book he states, “It is much better to observe and say nothing in most scenarios.” This works well for me and my life continues to get better and better.
Fire Seemingly Everywhere but Here
I am approaching the two month mark of coming in camp to become a bathroom porter. These two months and for that matter – the five months I have been in camp have gone by quickly. In these past five months I have had a routine which was no different yesterday than any other day. Since there was so much dust blowing, I went to the library to do my writing which I have done many times in the past. While I writing away, one of those small “tests” cropped up. Sometimes it is difficult to really understand why the rules change on a day to day basis or sometimes it is minute to minute! I have learned not to question and say only “Yes” and “Okay.” One of these scenarios happened yesterday and afterward I was back cleaning the bathrooms for a second time. I didn’t mind this because after all it is my job. A few of the visiting crews used the bathrooms and I along with my partner straightened them up. There are sometimes when I am feeling like my old cynical self and think it would be nice to have a scorecard displaying all of the rules depending on the time of day. I am doing my best and these small tasks are good for me since I continue to learn and grow.
Entitlements
After the bathrooms were cleaned for the second time, my day was officially over and I completed my writing. Since all of the crews were out on fires and there were other crews from other camps here everyone would get afire meal which consisted of steak, fried shrimp, corn, beans, rolls, soda, candy bars and ice cream. The amount of food served is tremendous and I don’t quite understand the rule which entitles the in campers to a fire meal. Really this should be reserved for those directly involved in the fire fighting. I am not complaining at all because my portion was enough to fill me up and I made several people happy. I guess my point is that there is a small faction here who really believes into this entitlement. I know I used to believe heavily into entitlements which caused the bulk of my problem. I do my best to stay away from this type of thinking because for me it doesn’t work. Entitlement is a word I have dismissed from my vocabulary which is why when I hear people speak this way I just smile and remind my self where I have come from.
Letters
The fire meal was over and I watched a little of the football game before mail call was announced. Last night I received four pieces of mail – two from my mother, one from my sister, and the other from a very dear friend. Once again my mother came through with two poignant letters as did my sister and dear friend. These are all blessings in my life and I thoroughly enjoyed reading them.
Firefighters
It wasn’t until lunchtime today that far off in the distance I could see plumes of white smoke billowing into the air. The winds intensity had diminished somewhat but it has been blowing all day long. Hopefully today will be the last windy day so the firefighters can get the ole upper hand on the wild fires. I see that it is very bad in San Diego County with over 300,000 people now being evacuated. I do know a few people who reside in this county and my thoughts and prayers are with them. The firestorm is very reminiscent of 2003 when the state’s largest wildfire occurred in San Diego County scorching nearly 300,000 acres and destroying nearly 5,000 homes. It seems the third week in October is when all these terrible fires occurred over the past few years.
Fire is all around Southern Cal, but the camp seems to be insulated. Since the winds diminished a bit, I was outside early this morning working out in the weight area. My day started threat free and ended the same way. The bathrooms were essentially cleaned twice and the outside areas were cleaned as well. All in all it was a good day and hopefully the weather will change and some of those horrible wildfires will be extinguished. My thoughts and prayers to all!
As I was reflecting on this passage, I fell into a deep meditative state for almost 15 minutes. This may sound strange, but I was floating outside my body, but I couldn’t see anything. I felt a floating sensation and was very peaceful. I snapped out of it and was very relaxed. I wasn’t trying to meditate – it just seemed to happen. I really enjoyed how this felt and I think it had a great deal to do with what I had just read. I am getting in touch with my true self and I like the results very much.
Today I was asked to play chess and for the first time in over 30 years, I did play. I got killed but had fun and it brought back memories of when I first learned how to play chess. I remember playing with my grandfather, father and older sister. Nothing has changed as I am still getting killed. And, in a first time in a very long time I played ping-pong with my roommate. Again I got killed which brought back memories of playing with my father at my grandparents’ house in the Poconos. My father and I had some very good matches and I remember getting very angry when I lost unlike I do today.
Mother Dear
I had some writing to do since yesterday I received 5 pieces of mail. I started out the week receiving 5 pieces and ended the week with amazingly 5 pieces. However, the surprising part of the mail last night was that I didn’t receive a letter from my mother. It does happen, not often but it does. My mom has been nothing short of superlative during this entire ordeal and I have lost count of all the mail she has sent me.
Visit from the Past, Present, and Future
My good friend was coming today for a visit from Las Vegas and was bringing me a special sandwich. Yes, “my pain in the ass ways” about food have now infiltrated my friends as I was specifically asked what he could bring. As I was called to visiting, I happily made my way down and saw my good friend. We greeted each other with a handshake and a hug. He said, “It has been too long” and he was correct since I hadn’t seen him since last year. Here I sat with a friend who has seen my past and is now in my present. Hopefully, as I go forward and start work in Vegas, he will be part of my future. He is a remarkable friend because he has never once judged me nor said, “How could you?” He is a true friend and it was great sitting and talking with him. I have always looked up to him and there are many similarities between the both of us. The time flew by so quickly and I enjoyed every minute of the visit. I realize I have lost friends because of my actions and I am positive at one point or another these were friends but my actions negated any friendship I may have had. The very good friend who came today is yet another blessing in my life!
As the visit ended and I walked back to camp, I was a bit down because I saw a glimpse of what might have been for me had I not gone down the road I went down. I quickly snapped out of this and focused on reality. My intention is to walk the walk and so far so good. Today was yet another fantastic day as I was touched by a very dear friend.
Wind and Fire Seemingly Everywhere
All of the crews with the exception of one were called out to the fires on October 22nd. I was speaking with a seasoned inmate/firefighter and someone I would consider the ultimate firefighter. He was asked if he had been out on a fire with such high winds as yesterday and today. His reply was, “Yes, and it is scary as Hell!” Two of our crews are in San Diego and the other is about an hour away. Thank Goodness I chose an incamp job when I did. One year ago this week the deadliest fire in California history started which was the Esperanza Fire which is not far from here. Unfortunately five firefighters lost their lives trying to protect a house.
Around camp there were tree branches and debris strewn all throughout the camp. The winds were so strong that if I tied a sheet to my back, I would have gone airborne! The blowing dust was causing an eye hazard even I didn’t exercise outside today.
Pressure
Being in camp doing my bathroom maintenance, I have been receiving threats in regard to keeping the bathroom clean or I will be sent back to the fire crew. Apparently, the bathrooms weren’t maintained well over the weekend (which are my days off and covered by another person) and I felt the wrath of the “dirty bathroom”. I’m not sure what has happened since I started last month but only until recently I have received these threats. The bathrooms have been cleaner than ever before and we have received many compliments regarding this. But, my opinion doesn’t count for much and I adhere to the thought process in THE POWER OF INTENTION and realized I am powerless within my existence here and I fully accept my lot. I am respectful, have a genuine smile, and say “yes” at all times. In Dr. Dyer’s book he states, “It is much better to observe and say nothing in most scenarios.” This works well for me and my life continues to get better and better.
Fire Seemingly Everywhere but Here
I am approaching the two month mark of coming in camp to become a bathroom porter. These two months and for that matter – the five months I have been in camp have gone by quickly. In these past five months I have had a routine which was no different yesterday than any other day. Since there was so much dust blowing, I went to the library to do my writing which I have done many times in the past. While I writing away, one of those small “tests” cropped up. Sometimes it is difficult to really understand why the rules change on a day to day basis or sometimes it is minute to minute! I have learned not to question and say only “Yes” and “Okay.” One of these scenarios happened yesterday and afterward I was back cleaning the bathrooms for a second time. I didn’t mind this because after all it is my job. A few of the visiting crews used the bathrooms and I along with my partner straightened them up. There are sometimes when I am feeling like my old cynical self and think it would be nice to have a scorecard displaying all of the rules depending on the time of day. I am doing my best and these small tasks are good for me since I continue to learn and grow.
Entitlements
After the bathrooms were cleaned for the second time, my day was officially over and I completed my writing. Since all of the crews were out on fires and there were other crews from other camps here everyone would get afire meal which consisted of steak, fried shrimp, corn, beans, rolls, soda, candy bars and ice cream. The amount of food served is tremendous and I don’t quite understand the rule which entitles the in campers to a fire meal. Really this should be reserved for those directly involved in the fire fighting. I am not complaining at all because my portion was enough to fill me up and I made several people happy. I guess my point is that there is a small faction here who really believes into this entitlement. I know I used to believe heavily into entitlements which caused the bulk of my problem. I do my best to stay away from this type of thinking because for me it doesn’t work. Entitlement is a word I have dismissed from my vocabulary which is why when I hear people speak this way I just smile and remind my self where I have come from.
Letters
The fire meal was over and I watched a little of the football game before mail call was announced. Last night I received four pieces of mail – two from my mother, one from my sister, and the other from a very dear friend. Once again my mother came through with two poignant letters as did my sister and dear friend. These are all blessings in my life and I thoroughly enjoyed reading them.
Firefighters
It wasn’t until lunchtime today that far off in the distance I could see plumes of white smoke billowing into the air. The winds intensity had diminished somewhat but it has been blowing all day long. Hopefully today will be the last windy day so the firefighters can get the ole upper hand on the wild fires. I see that it is very bad in San Diego County with over 300,000 people now being evacuated. I do know a few people who reside in this county and my thoughts and prayers are with them. The firestorm is very reminiscent of 2003 when the state’s largest wildfire occurred in San Diego County scorching nearly 300,000 acres and destroying nearly 5,000 homes. It seems the third week in October is when all these terrible fires occurred over the past few years.
Fire is all around Southern Cal, but the camp seems to be insulated. Since the winds diminished a bit, I was outside early this morning working out in the weight area. My day started threat free and ended the same way. The bathrooms were essentially cleaned twice and the outside areas were cleaned as well. All in all it was a good day and hopefully the weather will change and some of those horrible wildfires will be extinguished. My thoughts and prayers to all!
Friday, October 26, 2007
Highlights of the Second Half of October
Family Visit
Yesterday afternoon I spent most of the time writing my weekly letter to my sponsor. He is an incredible person, and without fail, we correspond on a weekly basis. The letters I receive from him are extraordinary and always contain an uplifting section. He also captures all of the new for the week in a very easy-to-read compact format. I truly don’t need daily newspapers because the news section in my sponsor’s letters is better than any newspaper.
As the date my wife and I had planned on for our family visit (November 9th) was taken, I did find out some of the dates that were available and called my wife. After much indecision, my wife came up with November 30th. This is only three weeks after our initial date, and following the family visit, I will have only three months remaining until my release. Also, this date is closer to my wife’s birthday (December 18th), so we can celebrate it a little early. All in all everything continues to workout for the best, and now I am looking forward to November 30th as the family visit has been scheduled.
I then called my mother since I wasn’t able to speak with her on her birthday this past Friday. Not only did I reach my mother, but I got to speak with my sister and my grandmother. I did speak with my mother at length, mostly about her conversation with the Director of the Las Vegas Recovery Center. I got an outstanding feel for this conversation, and although the job is not 100% committed, I would say the probability of getting the job is much higher than not. My mother also got a good feeling when she spoke with the director, and good things continue to happen.
We also discussed another matter that has plagued me for almost 20 years. I am one class short of receiving my Bachelor’s Degree, and I had asked my mother if she could follow up on this issue. About four years ago, I inquired about taking the class online and was instructed that I needed to be physically present at the University of Maryland for the class since I had not attended a class in over 10 years. After receiving that new four years ago, I became discouraged and never pursued it. Now, I am very motivated to get this done. Once again, my mother came through. As it turns out, I can take the class online and the spring semester starts March 24th, which is three weeks after my release date. This is perfect timing, and I will apply so I can finally obtain my degree from the University of Maryland.
My mother was able to do both of these things this week, and it is very encouraging. Recovery is fantastic as a whole new world has opened up to me. I was told early on in recovery that if you do good things, good things start to happen. This is the law of attraction which I finally believe as “The Secret” and “The Power of Intention” detail as well. I did bad things, and bad things did happen as I am serving a sentence for those bad things. However, now in recovery and learning so much more about myself, I am doing the right things, and the right things are happening. This is so much more than positive thinking. This is positive being. My life is taking shape in the best way possible all thanks to recovery. Without embracing recovery, none of this would have been possible. I am forever grateful for that day 2-1/2 years ago when my world collapsed. It collapsed because my world was built on an inferior foundation, but now, through recovery and “The Power of Intention”, my world is flourishing. Gone are the days of lying, cheating, and stealing, for which I am so grateful. I can look in the mirror and finally know the goodness inside of me. I experienced the badness, and that is no way to live. I am living in goodness, which is the only way to live.
The telephone call with my mother was fantastic and very uplifting. A path is starting to take shape, and this is a very positive path. I will get to see my wife next month, I have a very promising job opportunity when I am released, and I will obtain my degree. Wow, my life is certainly wonderful in so many ways.
Negative Energy
Last night, I received a bevy of mail as I received five pieces. One was a letter from a friend informing me of their visit this coming Sunday. This was very good news since I haven’t seen this friend in over 15 months, and this friend is coming a long way. I am certainly looking forward to the visit, and this is yet another example of the many blessings in my life. Another piece of mail contained a letter from yet another friend who had sent in a visiting form. I haven’t seen them in a long time either. I am not sure how many approved visitors I have, but one of my friends who came to visit me was told I have the most approved visitors of anyone here at camp. I am beyond fortunate and grateful for this and for everyone who has touched my life. I owe all this good fortune to recovery because without it I would be lost, and now I am most certainly found as my life continues to get better.
The morning was very uneventful, and I am doing my very best to avoid negative energy. There seems to be a little from a source which is difficult to avoid; however, I can still avoid the negative energy without avoiding the source. My friend who helps me clean the bathrooms had a close encounter with this source early this morning, and we both agreed, “This too shall pass.” It is unfortunate because we do a very good job on the bathrooms and are NOT problem inmates. We are what is known as “programmers”, which means we follow our daily routine and don’t get into trougly. Why we are being met with negative influences is beyond me, and frankly, I won’t let this get to me at all. I have 4-1/2 months remaining to serve on my sentence, and when March 2nd comes, this is all over. This is a very temporary existence, and those negative influences will live on well past my release. I am working a very good program, and all I want to do is to be with my family. I was rightfully punished for my activities, and thankfully, I continue to embrace recovery, which has given me a new life.
In my wife’s anniversary card, she wrote, “I can’t wait to start our life together again.” My sentiments exactly, and in a short period of time, we will start our lives together once again which will be wonderful. These negative influences are only temporary, and I am grateful for them as a reminder to not fall into the trap. I fell into the trap for a long time, but I have climbed out, and as long as I practice my recovery, this trap will remain closed.
Recovery…
allows me to change in so many ways. I was asked or rather it was more of a statement by a friend prior to coming to prison, “I wonder if prison will change you?”
Yes, prison had changed me and continues to change me in positive ways, I wouldn’t have had the time or inclination to get in touch with my spiritual being for this I am grateful. Speaking of physical changes – the gray hairs that my sister noticed when she visited are now even more noticeable as someone pointed them out to me today. Oh well, this is part of aging and at the very least I still have a head full of hair. Am I vain enough to color it when I get out, I hope not.
The daily verse today is titled LIVING BY MELTING INTO HARMONY. Essentially this is to live a peaceful existence embracing the ying and yang of life. Part of the verse is a task and this task today was “Think of one person who may have wronged you at some time in your life – someone who abandoned you, someone who stole from you, or spread ugly rumors about you. Spend one day putting all thoughts of revenge aside, and instead feel forgiveness and love for that individual. Notice the difference in your body, when you don’t have violent thoughts… this is the essential teaching of the Tao.” This certainly worked for me and is a great exercise. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone practiced this very powerful concept, I think it would.
Yesterday afternoon I spent most of the time writing my weekly letter to my sponsor. He is an incredible person, and without fail, we correspond on a weekly basis. The letters I receive from him are extraordinary and always contain an uplifting section. He also captures all of the new for the week in a very easy-to-read compact format. I truly don’t need daily newspapers because the news section in my sponsor’s letters is better than any newspaper.
As the date my wife and I had planned on for our family visit (November 9th) was taken, I did find out some of the dates that were available and called my wife. After much indecision, my wife came up with November 30th. This is only three weeks after our initial date, and following the family visit, I will have only three months remaining until my release. Also, this date is closer to my wife’s birthday (December 18th), so we can celebrate it a little early. All in all everything continues to workout for the best, and now I am looking forward to November 30th as the family visit has been scheduled.
I then called my mother since I wasn’t able to speak with her on her birthday this past Friday. Not only did I reach my mother, but I got to speak with my sister and my grandmother. I did speak with my mother at length, mostly about her conversation with the Director of the Las Vegas Recovery Center. I got an outstanding feel for this conversation, and although the job is not 100% committed, I would say the probability of getting the job is much higher than not. My mother also got a good feeling when she spoke with the director, and good things continue to happen.
We also discussed another matter that has plagued me for almost 20 years. I am one class short of receiving my Bachelor’s Degree, and I had asked my mother if she could follow up on this issue. About four years ago, I inquired about taking the class online and was instructed that I needed to be physically present at the University of Maryland for the class since I had not attended a class in over 10 years. After receiving that new four years ago, I became discouraged and never pursued it. Now, I am very motivated to get this done. Once again, my mother came through. As it turns out, I can take the class online and the spring semester starts March 24th, which is three weeks after my release date. This is perfect timing, and I will apply so I can finally obtain my degree from the University of Maryland.
My mother was able to do both of these things this week, and it is very encouraging. Recovery is fantastic as a whole new world has opened up to me. I was told early on in recovery that if you do good things, good things start to happen. This is the law of attraction which I finally believe as “The Secret” and “The Power of Intention” detail as well. I did bad things, and bad things did happen as I am serving a sentence for those bad things. However, now in recovery and learning so much more about myself, I am doing the right things, and the right things are happening. This is so much more than positive thinking. This is positive being. My life is taking shape in the best way possible all thanks to recovery. Without embracing recovery, none of this would have been possible. I am forever grateful for that day 2-1/2 years ago when my world collapsed. It collapsed because my world was built on an inferior foundation, but now, through recovery and “The Power of Intention”, my world is flourishing. Gone are the days of lying, cheating, and stealing, for which I am so grateful. I can look in the mirror and finally know the goodness inside of me. I experienced the badness, and that is no way to live. I am living in goodness, which is the only way to live.
The telephone call with my mother was fantastic and very uplifting. A path is starting to take shape, and this is a very positive path. I will get to see my wife next month, I have a very promising job opportunity when I am released, and I will obtain my degree. Wow, my life is certainly wonderful in so many ways.
Negative Energy
Last night, I received a bevy of mail as I received five pieces. One was a letter from a friend informing me of their visit this coming Sunday. This was very good news since I haven’t seen this friend in over 15 months, and this friend is coming a long way. I am certainly looking forward to the visit, and this is yet another example of the many blessings in my life. Another piece of mail contained a letter from yet another friend who had sent in a visiting form. I haven’t seen them in a long time either. I am not sure how many approved visitors I have, but one of my friends who came to visit me was told I have the most approved visitors of anyone here at camp. I am beyond fortunate and grateful for this and for everyone who has touched my life. I owe all this good fortune to recovery because without it I would be lost, and now I am most certainly found as my life continues to get better.
The morning was very uneventful, and I am doing my very best to avoid negative energy. There seems to be a little from a source which is difficult to avoid; however, I can still avoid the negative energy without avoiding the source. My friend who helps me clean the bathrooms had a close encounter with this source early this morning, and we both agreed, “This too shall pass.” It is unfortunate because we do a very good job on the bathrooms and are NOT problem inmates. We are what is known as “programmers”, which means we follow our daily routine and don’t get into trougly. Why we are being met with negative influences is beyond me, and frankly, I won’t let this get to me at all. I have 4-1/2 months remaining to serve on my sentence, and when March 2nd comes, this is all over. This is a very temporary existence, and those negative influences will live on well past my release. I am working a very good program, and all I want to do is to be with my family. I was rightfully punished for my activities, and thankfully, I continue to embrace recovery, which has given me a new life.
In my wife’s anniversary card, she wrote, “I can’t wait to start our life together again.” My sentiments exactly, and in a short period of time, we will start our lives together once again which will be wonderful. These negative influences are only temporary, and I am grateful for them as a reminder to not fall into the trap. I fell into the trap for a long time, but I have climbed out, and as long as I practice my recovery, this trap will remain closed.
Recovery…
allows me to change in so many ways. I was asked or rather it was more of a statement by a friend prior to coming to prison, “I wonder if prison will change you?”
Yes, prison had changed me and continues to change me in positive ways, I wouldn’t have had the time or inclination to get in touch with my spiritual being for this I am grateful. Speaking of physical changes – the gray hairs that my sister noticed when she visited are now even more noticeable as someone pointed them out to me today. Oh well, this is part of aging and at the very least I still have a head full of hair. Am I vain enough to color it when I get out, I hope not.
The daily verse today is titled LIVING BY MELTING INTO HARMONY. Essentially this is to live a peaceful existence embracing the ying and yang of life. Part of the verse is a task and this task today was “Think of one person who may have wronged you at some time in your life – someone who abandoned you, someone who stole from you, or spread ugly rumors about you. Spend one day putting all thoughts of revenge aside, and instead feel forgiveness and love for that individual. Notice the difference in your body, when you don’t have violent thoughts… this is the essential teaching of the Tao.” This certainly worked for me and is a great exercise. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everyone practiced this very powerful concept, I think it would.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
More of the Same Which is Positive
I had the pleasure of speaking with my family yesterday afternoon. Nothing very much is new as life moves along for each of them. My wife is busy at work and busy with the children’s activities. My children are in the rhythm of school and their activities. All seems very well, and I enjoy hearing their voices. My son is certainly maturing as his conversations keep getting better and better. My daughter is always a character as she is 9 going on 25! I would characterize her as an old soul who is filled with life. If I may go back to yesterday’s discussion on “Life Isn’t Fair”, it may seem that our being separated from each other is unfair. It may, but it is one small part of life. I do believe this time away continues to teach me so much which will make my time with them that much better. It is unfortunate it has taken a situation like this for me to start learning, but it has. I won’t belabor the point as life is neither fair nor unfair. It is what it is, and I am dealing with it accordingly.
Our telephone call ended, and I returned to my room. I ended up spending the rest of the day talking with my roommate and another friend up until dinner. Dinner was the usual Monday night drive thru, and the rest of the evening was spent in conversation and with my turning in rather early.
Tuesday morning flew by with my exercise and with cleaning the bathrooms. On Saturday, a notice was placed in each bathroom that the inmates are no longer allowed to cut their hair in the bathroom. All haircutting must take place in the barber shop (recreation building). Somehow, someone thought I suggested (which means “told”) this to the powers that be, and it got back to me. I am amazed as to how unfounded rumors spread. I most certainly did not suggest this. In fact, I was informed of this new regulation by an officer. Sometimes, perception is reality, and other times, false perception is also reality. I did put an end to this rumor by speaking the truth, but who knows what someone will believe. Anyhow, the new regulation does keep the bathrooms more tidy, and really, the haircutting never bothered me because I have to clean no matter what. I do have to be careful because my perception could be completely off.
Our telephone call ended, and I returned to my room. I ended up spending the rest of the day talking with my roommate and another friend up until dinner. Dinner was the usual Monday night drive thru, and the rest of the evening was spent in conversation and with my turning in rather early.
Tuesday morning flew by with my exercise and with cleaning the bathrooms. On Saturday, a notice was placed in each bathroom that the inmates are no longer allowed to cut their hair in the bathroom. All haircutting must take place in the barber shop (recreation building). Somehow, someone thought I suggested (which means “told”) this to the powers that be, and it got back to me. I am amazed as to how unfounded rumors spread. I most certainly did not suggest this. In fact, I was informed of this new regulation by an officer. Sometimes, perception is reality, and other times, false perception is also reality. I did put an end to this rumor by speaking the truth, but who knows what someone will believe. Anyhow, the new regulation does keep the bathrooms more tidy, and really, the haircutting never bothered me because I have to clean no matter what. I do have to be careful because my perception could be completely off.
Monday, October 08, 2007
"Life Isn't Fair, or Is It?"
I spent 30 minutes talking with my mother on the telephone. I do feel like a burden sometimes because these collect calls are very expensive, but my mother put me at ease when she said, “Who cares!” Yes, my mother is very special, and we had a great conversation. I did get some unfortunate news regarding the possibility of my nephew visiting when my mother comes back in January. My sister doesn’t want my nephew to visit me, and I respect her decision. It is hard for a very young person who is impressionable to come into this environment. It would have been great to see him as our relationship has grown so much in the past six months, but I will see him soon enough when I am released, and I won’t have to wear orange!
My mother and I covered a wide array of topics, and as usual, it was great. I would like to share what my grandmother said as she received a note from me earlier this week. In the note, I thanked her for all that she has done for me over my lifetime. As regular readers of this blog know, I am a very blessed and grateful person. I used these two words – blessed and grateful – in the note I sent to her, and she said, “I get scared when he talks like that.” I think she is worried I will turn into a Bible thumper or Holy Roller. Now, there isn’t anything wrong with very Christian people, but this is not who I am. I do my best to refrain from pushing my views on anyone, and I consider myself more spiritual in a broad sense. I was raised Roman Catholic, and I do believe all religions share a common goal. I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself, but I will continue to say I am blessed and grateful in area of life. I told this story to my friends last night, and they laughed while saying, “Your grandmother is very cool and, obviously, all there.” She certainly is very cool, and for being 85 years old, she doesn’t miss much of anything.
The telephone call ended, and I meandered around before heading to dinner. Later, I was hoping to watch a documentary hosted by Ted Koppel on the Discovery Channel regarding the prison overcrowding issue in California. As it turned out, the broadcast aired at 10:00 p.m. which is well past my bedtime. I did receive a summary on the two-hour program from a few fellow inmates who stayed up and watched it. The reviews were mixed. I think one of my fellow inmates was hoping there was more of a direct message that the prison system in California is broke and that the only way to alleviate some of the problems is to release the lower-level custody inmates (us!). This was not the case, but it sounds like the show was very informative for the public who is unaware of the current situation. I believe Ted Koppel did make a statement at the end of the broadcast stating that the prison system in California is in trouble and that building their way out of it is NOT the solution. I would like to have seen this, and hopefully, it will be aired again. I am not sure if I will see any changes to this system in the next five months as things take time to change. The system is now in the hands of the three-federal-judge panel, and presumably, they will make recommendations soon. I may see some changes to the parole system such as shortening the term to 6 months from 13 months. This is certainly good, especially if I have to wait out the 6 months in California. I do believe some of the guys here will see some relief as they still have a few years to serve, and if some of these guys are released early, the public has nothing to worry about. Most of them, including me, are only a danger to themselves, not the public. The politicians love to spin the rhetoric when saying releasing any inmate early is a threat to public safety. There was a warden featured in the documentary who stated that releasing the lower-level custody inmates would not pose a threat to the public. All I know is my release date is March 2, 2008 (I am still awaiting word on the miscalculation of the four days, which would put my release date at February 27th), and I will enjoy the next five months and look forward to that day.
I woke up at my normal time and did the Monday run. I guess I didn’t earn the nickname Forest (as in Forest Gump) for nothing. Yes, that is right. One of my neighbors has adeptly nicknamed me Forest due to my propensity to run, and run, and run some more. Certainly, I don’t mind, and it is quite fitting. After running, I had breakfast and my job duties. I then returned to my room and started T.D. Jakes’ “Reposition Yourself”. My mother saw him on the Dr. Phil television show and sent me his book. As it turns out, one of my neighbors has the same book and really enjoyed it while speaking highly of the author.
The author, T. D. Jakes, is a tremendous entrepreneur along with being a preacher and a bishop to a congregation with 30,000 members. The book is of the self-help genre and is very well written. Within each chapter is a biblical reference that is later expanded upon. I reached one passage where Reverend Jakes speaks of how life isn’t fair. I have seen this in other self-help books, and ultimately, the authors state this while saying so what, get over it. I really never paid it much thought until reading it is this particular book. I don’t believe life isn’t fair. I believe life is life and really it is what it is. So often, I could get caught up in excuses, and this life isn’t fair is one of these excuses. My father would say to me time and time again that life isn’t fair. I’m not so sure it isn’t being fair. Presumably, if I am a spiritual being having a human experience, life truly doesn’t exist. I am merely passing through. This journey has been labeled “life” for lack of a better term. I believe life is what I make it, and calling it unfair puts anyone at a disadvantage. This all goes toward “The Power of Intention”. When I intend that life isn’t fair, then it is unfair. I look at life as being wonderful. Sure, there are people who come from unfair circumstances when they were younger. Let’s face it. As young people say from birth to the teenage years our lives are a product of our environment/parents. During these ages, we don’t have the ability to fully make our own choices. Does this make it unfair? I don’t believe so because somewhere along the way I started to make my own choices, and some of these were good, and some were not so good. All in all, my life is more than fair, and I love every minute of it.
My mother and I covered a wide array of topics, and as usual, it was great. I would like to share what my grandmother said as she received a note from me earlier this week. In the note, I thanked her for all that she has done for me over my lifetime. As regular readers of this blog know, I am a very blessed and grateful person. I used these two words – blessed and grateful – in the note I sent to her, and she said, “I get scared when he talks like that.” I think she is worried I will turn into a Bible thumper or Holy Roller. Now, there isn’t anything wrong with very Christian people, but this is not who I am. I do my best to refrain from pushing my views on anyone, and I consider myself more spiritual in a broad sense. I was raised Roman Catholic, and I do believe all religions share a common goal. I prefer to keep my thoughts to myself, but I will continue to say I am blessed and grateful in area of life. I told this story to my friends last night, and they laughed while saying, “Your grandmother is very cool and, obviously, all there.” She certainly is very cool, and for being 85 years old, she doesn’t miss much of anything.
The telephone call ended, and I meandered around before heading to dinner. Later, I was hoping to watch a documentary hosted by Ted Koppel on the Discovery Channel regarding the prison overcrowding issue in California. As it turned out, the broadcast aired at 10:00 p.m. which is well past my bedtime. I did receive a summary on the two-hour program from a few fellow inmates who stayed up and watched it. The reviews were mixed. I think one of my fellow inmates was hoping there was more of a direct message that the prison system in California is broke and that the only way to alleviate some of the problems is to release the lower-level custody inmates (us!). This was not the case, but it sounds like the show was very informative for the public who is unaware of the current situation. I believe Ted Koppel did make a statement at the end of the broadcast stating that the prison system in California is in trouble and that building their way out of it is NOT the solution. I would like to have seen this, and hopefully, it will be aired again. I am not sure if I will see any changes to this system in the next five months as things take time to change. The system is now in the hands of the three-federal-judge panel, and presumably, they will make recommendations soon. I may see some changes to the parole system such as shortening the term to 6 months from 13 months. This is certainly good, especially if I have to wait out the 6 months in California. I do believe some of the guys here will see some relief as they still have a few years to serve, and if some of these guys are released early, the public has nothing to worry about. Most of them, including me, are only a danger to themselves, not the public. The politicians love to spin the rhetoric when saying releasing any inmate early is a threat to public safety. There was a warden featured in the documentary who stated that releasing the lower-level custody inmates would not pose a threat to the public. All I know is my release date is March 2, 2008 (I am still awaiting word on the miscalculation of the four days, which would put my release date at February 27th), and I will enjoy the next five months and look forward to that day.
I woke up at my normal time and did the Monday run. I guess I didn’t earn the nickname Forest (as in Forest Gump) for nothing. Yes, that is right. One of my neighbors has adeptly nicknamed me Forest due to my propensity to run, and run, and run some more. Certainly, I don’t mind, and it is quite fitting. After running, I had breakfast and my job duties. I then returned to my room and started T.D. Jakes’ “Reposition Yourself”. My mother saw him on the Dr. Phil television show and sent me his book. As it turns out, one of my neighbors has the same book and really enjoyed it while speaking highly of the author.
The author, T. D. Jakes, is a tremendous entrepreneur along with being a preacher and a bishop to a congregation with 30,000 members. The book is of the self-help genre and is very well written. Within each chapter is a biblical reference that is later expanded upon. I reached one passage where Reverend Jakes speaks of how life isn’t fair. I have seen this in other self-help books, and ultimately, the authors state this while saying so what, get over it. I really never paid it much thought until reading it is this particular book. I don’t believe life isn’t fair. I believe life is life and really it is what it is. So often, I could get caught up in excuses, and this life isn’t fair is one of these excuses. My father would say to me time and time again that life isn’t fair. I’m not so sure it isn’t being fair. Presumably, if I am a spiritual being having a human experience, life truly doesn’t exist. I am merely passing through. This journey has been labeled “life” for lack of a better term. I believe life is what I make it, and calling it unfair puts anyone at a disadvantage. This all goes toward “The Power of Intention”. When I intend that life isn’t fair, then it is unfair. I look at life as being wonderful. Sure, there are people who come from unfair circumstances when they were younger. Let’s face it. As young people say from birth to the teenage years our lives are a product of our environment/parents. During these ages, we don’t have the ability to fully make our own choices. Does this make it unfair? I don’t believe so because somewhere along the way I started to make my own choices, and some of these were good, and some were not so good. All in all, my life is more than fair, and I love every minute of it.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
It's October?
The days blend into each other so nicely that I cannot believe it’s October already and the second day at that! One thing that I continue to learn is time passes no matter what at a rapid pace. Of course, in my current situation, this is a positive, but on March 2nd, 2008, I would like to hit the pause button. Unfortunately, that is not possible, which is why I must enjoy each and every moment one day at a time, and I most certainly will.
Last night was the drive-thru dinner, and once again, my roommate came through with the soy products (burger and sausage). We ate outside at our spot which is at the bottom of the hill. Normally, we sit by the fountain, but ever since we have moved rooms, we have started sitting at the bottom of the hill. The other day we spotted a bobcat roaming around the bottom of the hill some 20 feet away from where we sat. I don’t believe I have seen a bobcat before, and I was surprised how small it appeared. I was very impressed with its very large paws, and it was well fed. The bobcat didn’t bother me because I didn’t bother the bobcat. I watched as it meandered on its way probably looking for its next prey.
After dinner, I found myself watching the Monday Night Football game in the television room. I was interested in the game because the New England Patriots were playing. They are having a very good season. It wasn’t much of a game, and I departed at halftime to pick up my mail. The mail continues to be very good to me, and last night I received three pieces; two from my dear friends and one from my mother. The envelope from my mother contained some notes I have taken over the past 2-1/2 years in hopes of creating a book. I read the notes and realized something I hadn’t realized before about my early entry into gambling. I was a confused adolescent, and my proclivity to numbers along with my need to be liked (especially by my father) paved a road of destruction. It took a very long time on this road of destruction, and now it is a road of construction as I live in peace and tranquility. I cannot put my finger on the exact moment I went from being attracted to gambling to the point I became a compulsive gambler. All through my adolescent development I gravitated towards gambling. Whether it was a nominal wager on the Baseball All Star Game with my father or playing poker with my friends, I enjoyed gambling when I first started. As the years progressed, I became addicted to the action of gambling, which is why I found myself in Las Vegas working for a casino. I always thought it would be great working in the gaming industry because it would satiate my need for action. Almost the direct opposite happened, and my need for action grew as I thought I could be one of the “smart guys.” At one point, I thought I was one of those guys, but I was only fooling myself, and I was very dumb. I got caught up in a never-ending cycle which gratefully led me to where I am right now, prison. I was a prisoner of my own actions 2-1/2 years ago. Now, I am free even though I am a prisoner of the California Department of Corrections. I am eternally grateful for this journey because my life is now better than it has ever been.
It was good to read these notes, and my intention is to draft an outline in the next five months so I can fill in that outline when I am released. I have no idea where it will go from there, but I do know nature will take its course. Instead of plans, I have intentions, and I trust in my intentions more than I ever have in my life. Thank God for “The Power of Intention” because it is shaping my life in a very positive manner along with “Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life” – living the wisdom of the Tao. I continue to find sources of enlightenment, and I am forever grateful.
The early morning cam very quickly, and I was up to do my Tuesday burpee/pushup routine. I continue to be the “wake-up guy” even though I have moved rooms. It seems that if I don’t wake these guys up, they won’t get up. The other day I forgot, and they slept right through. Now, I make it a point to wake them up before I start working out, and they do get out of bed to start their workouts. My lower back was feeling much better. I had a very good workout and started my workday. Everything went smoothly this morning, and I had time to work out again before lunch. When I finished my workout, a fellow inmate came over to me and asked if all the exercise I do is detrimental to my health. I sort of chuckled, but he was serious and seemed concerned for my well-being. I explained that I only do the double-session workout on certain days and that my exercise is part of my therapy. It helps me to pass the time and keep my head clear of any negativity. I enjoy my workouts tremendously, and my intention is to keep on doing them for as long as I can. This was a very nice question, and it showed concern. There isn’t too much that happens in this environment that is a secret, and it is no secret I am an exerciseaholic. I do it because I enjoy it, and I feel healthy. If there is ever a point where I don’t feel healthy, I will stop. I have been given a wonderful opportunity to get my mind and being in perfect harmony. I am taking full advantage of this opportunity, and I am very grateful.
Last night was the drive-thru dinner, and once again, my roommate came through with the soy products (burger and sausage). We ate outside at our spot which is at the bottom of the hill. Normally, we sit by the fountain, but ever since we have moved rooms, we have started sitting at the bottom of the hill. The other day we spotted a bobcat roaming around the bottom of the hill some 20 feet away from where we sat. I don’t believe I have seen a bobcat before, and I was surprised how small it appeared. I was very impressed with its very large paws, and it was well fed. The bobcat didn’t bother me because I didn’t bother the bobcat. I watched as it meandered on its way probably looking for its next prey.
After dinner, I found myself watching the Monday Night Football game in the television room. I was interested in the game because the New England Patriots were playing. They are having a very good season. It wasn’t much of a game, and I departed at halftime to pick up my mail. The mail continues to be very good to me, and last night I received three pieces; two from my dear friends and one from my mother. The envelope from my mother contained some notes I have taken over the past 2-1/2 years in hopes of creating a book. I read the notes and realized something I hadn’t realized before about my early entry into gambling. I was a confused adolescent, and my proclivity to numbers along with my need to be liked (especially by my father) paved a road of destruction. It took a very long time on this road of destruction, and now it is a road of construction as I live in peace and tranquility. I cannot put my finger on the exact moment I went from being attracted to gambling to the point I became a compulsive gambler. All through my adolescent development I gravitated towards gambling. Whether it was a nominal wager on the Baseball All Star Game with my father or playing poker with my friends, I enjoyed gambling when I first started. As the years progressed, I became addicted to the action of gambling, which is why I found myself in Las Vegas working for a casino. I always thought it would be great working in the gaming industry because it would satiate my need for action. Almost the direct opposite happened, and my need for action grew as I thought I could be one of the “smart guys.” At one point, I thought I was one of those guys, but I was only fooling myself, and I was very dumb. I got caught up in a never-ending cycle which gratefully led me to where I am right now, prison. I was a prisoner of my own actions 2-1/2 years ago. Now, I am free even though I am a prisoner of the California Department of Corrections. I am eternally grateful for this journey because my life is now better than it has ever been.
It was good to read these notes, and my intention is to draft an outline in the next five months so I can fill in that outline when I am released. I have no idea where it will go from there, but I do know nature will take its course. Instead of plans, I have intentions, and I trust in my intentions more than I ever have in my life. Thank God for “The Power of Intention” because it is shaping my life in a very positive manner along with “Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life” – living the wisdom of the Tao. I continue to find sources of enlightenment, and I am forever grateful.
The early morning cam very quickly, and I was up to do my Tuesday burpee/pushup routine. I continue to be the “wake-up guy” even though I have moved rooms. It seems that if I don’t wake these guys up, they won’t get up. The other day I forgot, and they slept right through. Now, I make it a point to wake them up before I start working out, and they do get out of bed to start their workouts. My lower back was feeling much better. I had a very good workout and started my workday. Everything went smoothly this morning, and I had time to work out again before lunch. When I finished my workout, a fellow inmate came over to me and asked if all the exercise I do is detrimental to my health. I sort of chuckled, but he was serious and seemed concerned for my well-being. I explained that I only do the double-session workout on certain days and that my exercise is part of my therapy. It helps me to pass the time and keep my head clear of any negativity. I enjoy my workouts tremendously, and my intention is to keep on doing them for as long as I can. This was a very nice question, and it showed concern. There isn’t too much that happens in this environment that is a secret, and it is no secret I am an exerciseaholic. I do it because I enjoy it, and I feel healthy. If there is ever a point where I don’t feel healthy, I will stop. I have been given a wonderful opportunity to get my mind and being in perfect harmony. I am taking full advantage of this opportunity, and I am very grateful.
Monday, October 01, 2007
Serenity Prayer Redux
I couldn’t just relax yesterday. Well, that is not entirely correct because I did relax all day. I guess I couldn’t go a day without some type of exercising. Since I didn’t have any visits yesterday, I was struggling to find a routine for a Sunday. Normally, I am out at the visiting area, and my morning moves by so quickly. I wrote for a little while, and I needed something more to do. I decided to do a power-walk around the track and up the hill. I harkened back to the journaling days at Jamestown. My intention was to power walk for an hour, but I was feeling so good I decided to do another hour. I had a grand time walking around listening to the radio through my headphones. There was a great jazz special on the contemporary local radio station, and I was getting into the jazz tunes. I was also getting a big kick out of the DJ who is an old-time jazz DJ with the “voice.” He painted such detailed pictures with his words that I was mesmerized. I had to keep walking in order to listen to him and the great songs. As it turns out, he was promoting an upcoming jazz festival on Catalina Island. Apparently, this jazz festival takes place every year during the first 3 weekends in October. I had no idea, and it sounded like it would be a great show. I’m not a jazz aficionado by any stretch of the imagination, but I do appreciate the genre. Who knows? Maybe one of these years my wife and I will find ourselves on Catalina Island attending the jazz festival.
Since my power-walk was performed when everyone was in camp, I got some incredulous looks as I walked by many of my fellow inmates for two hours. One inmate who I saw after finishing asked me if I walked a marathon?? No, I didn’t walk a marathon, but I certainly enjoyed the beautiful weather and surroundings as I walked. It was a wonderful two hours, and afterward, I really relaxed throughout the day. I wrote some more and found a way to pass the time constructively.
I think I am living vicariously through my roommate because the stories he has from his job here are very funny. I spent most of the afternoon laughing at these stories because he couldn’t possibly make them up. I do enjoy the time with my roommate as we get along very well. I also listened to the radio yesterday afternoon in hopes of finding out if the New York Mets made the playoffs. Unfortunately, they did not make the playoffs, and I am not sure what happened. They were in first place all season long until yesterday, the final day. My hopes for a second subway series between the Mets and Yankees were dashed. There is always next year. I did watch the New York Giants football game last night and left the television room when the giants were leading 16-0 over the Philadelphia Eagles. I couldn’t figure out if the Giants defense was that good or the Eagles offense was that bad. Once again, it was great to be a fan and not interested in only the final score. I don’t even know what the final score was because I was back in my room talking with my roommate as the game ended.
I had my usual interrupted sleeping pattern last night, and my lower back was a little sore when I woke up. The only thing I can attribute this to is the power-walk. I can also attribute this to my roommate who was discussing his bad back at length last night before I went to sleep. I think he was sending me subliminal messages!! I, in turn, got sympathy pain. I doubt this, but I did tell him that, and he laughed. I still decided to run this morning, and after the first few laps, the pain went away. Subsequently after the run, the soreness came back. This is where I need to be careful and monitor my body. I had no problems cleaning the bathrooms, and right now I can only feel a little stiffness.
Today was the first day with a new helper in the bathrooms as the old helper paroled yesterday. I am very fortunate because this new helper is another member of “The View” and a great guy. We get along very well, and this morning we worked well together. We had to take extra time because some of the “executives” from the prison system were walking the grounds. I guess this happens from time to time, and we were diligently working as they came through the bathroom. Also, since this is Monday, the bathrooms do require a little more effort. This make up the bulk of the morning, and the two of us had lunch together at the base of the hill. Once again the weather is beautiful with temperatures in the low 80’s with a slight breeze. Here it is October 1st, and I am sitting here wearing shorts, sandals, and a tank top. You certainly can’t beat the weather in this part of southern California.
I read the daily passage in “Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life” – living the way of the Tao. The passage was titled “Living Calmly.” Once again, the passage was perfect. I have always shown a very calm exterior, but in years gone by, my interior has been anything but calm. Thankfully, over the course of the past 2-1/2 years, I have found the inner calm (peace). I attribute part of this to the “Serenity Prayer.” As I was reading today’s passage, I realized I was using the “Serenity Prayer” all wrong. Often, I have found myself in situations where I have no control (especially in my current circumstances) and would call on the “Serenity Prayer” for guidance. According to today’s passage, “Living Calmly” is the way to live all the time not in certain circumstances. The “Serenity Prayer” says it all, and I believe living this daily is the way to true peace. The passage eloquently states, “The solution for a life of unrest is choosing stillness.” Let’s face it, I have a choice in every moment, and my choice is calm. The passage goes on to talk about being a hostage to your ego. This is so true because my ego falsely gives me a sense of rising above it all. There is no need to rise above anything if I am grounded with peace, calm, and stillness. I have the ability to stay poised and centered regardless of what goes before me. Serenity, tranquility, and calm are the ways of my life, and I am forever grateful.
Today at lunch, I was asked if I have any worries. I thought long and hard about this, and I don’t have any worries. I do have concerns for the welfare of my wife and children but not worries. I am learning to live a centered life in touch with real feelings, and it is truly magnificent. Worry, fear, resentment, and all the other negative emotions have no place in my life. It has taken me a very long time to realize these things, and I am grateful for having finally realized it. Life is wonderful, and a life immersed in calmness is a blessing.
Since my power-walk was performed when everyone was in camp, I got some incredulous looks as I walked by many of my fellow inmates for two hours. One inmate who I saw after finishing asked me if I walked a marathon?? No, I didn’t walk a marathon, but I certainly enjoyed the beautiful weather and surroundings as I walked. It was a wonderful two hours, and afterward, I really relaxed throughout the day. I wrote some more and found a way to pass the time constructively.
I think I am living vicariously through my roommate because the stories he has from his job here are very funny. I spent most of the afternoon laughing at these stories because he couldn’t possibly make them up. I do enjoy the time with my roommate as we get along very well. I also listened to the radio yesterday afternoon in hopes of finding out if the New York Mets made the playoffs. Unfortunately, they did not make the playoffs, and I am not sure what happened. They were in first place all season long until yesterday, the final day. My hopes for a second subway series between the Mets and Yankees were dashed. There is always next year. I did watch the New York Giants football game last night and left the television room when the giants were leading 16-0 over the Philadelphia Eagles. I couldn’t figure out if the Giants defense was that good or the Eagles offense was that bad. Once again, it was great to be a fan and not interested in only the final score. I don’t even know what the final score was because I was back in my room talking with my roommate as the game ended.
I had my usual interrupted sleeping pattern last night, and my lower back was a little sore when I woke up. The only thing I can attribute this to is the power-walk. I can also attribute this to my roommate who was discussing his bad back at length last night before I went to sleep. I think he was sending me subliminal messages!! I, in turn, got sympathy pain. I doubt this, but I did tell him that, and he laughed. I still decided to run this morning, and after the first few laps, the pain went away. Subsequently after the run, the soreness came back. This is where I need to be careful and monitor my body. I had no problems cleaning the bathrooms, and right now I can only feel a little stiffness.
Today was the first day with a new helper in the bathrooms as the old helper paroled yesterday. I am very fortunate because this new helper is another member of “The View” and a great guy. We get along very well, and this morning we worked well together. We had to take extra time because some of the “executives” from the prison system were walking the grounds. I guess this happens from time to time, and we were diligently working as they came through the bathroom. Also, since this is Monday, the bathrooms do require a little more effort. This make up the bulk of the morning, and the two of us had lunch together at the base of the hill. Once again the weather is beautiful with temperatures in the low 80’s with a slight breeze. Here it is October 1st, and I am sitting here wearing shorts, sandals, and a tank top. You certainly can’t beat the weather in this part of southern California.
I read the daily passage in “Change Your Thoughts – Change Your Life” – living the way of the Tao. The passage was titled “Living Calmly.” Once again, the passage was perfect. I have always shown a very calm exterior, but in years gone by, my interior has been anything but calm. Thankfully, over the course of the past 2-1/2 years, I have found the inner calm (peace). I attribute part of this to the “Serenity Prayer.” As I was reading today’s passage, I realized I was using the “Serenity Prayer” all wrong. Often, I have found myself in situations where I have no control (especially in my current circumstances) and would call on the “Serenity Prayer” for guidance. According to today’s passage, “Living Calmly” is the way to live all the time not in certain circumstances. The “Serenity Prayer” says it all, and I believe living this daily is the way to true peace. The passage eloquently states, “The solution for a life of unrest is choosing stillness.” Let’s face it, I have a choice in every moment, and my choice is calm. The passage goes on to talk about being a hostage to your ego. This is so true because my ego falsely gives me a sense of rising above it all. There is no need to rise above anything if I am grounded with peace, calm, and stillness. I have the ability to stay poised and centered regardless of what goes before me. Serenity, tranquility, and calm are the ways of my life, and I am forever grateful.
Today at lunch, I was asked if I have any worries. I thought long and hard about this, and I don’t have any worries. I do have concerns for the welfare of my wife and children but not worries. I am learning to live a centered life in touch with real feelings, and it is truly magnificent. Worry, fear, resentment, and all the other negative emotions have no place in my life. It has taken me a very long time to realize these things, and I am grateful for having finally realized it. Life is wonderful, and a life immersed in calmness is a blessing.
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