One Year

Today marks the one year anniversary of my last bet. This means I have not placed a wager of any kind in the past 365 days. I know this is just a number and it really is a lifetime process but I am very proud of this accomplishment. I am very proud because I have done some very important things in this past year to get me to this point. In the past I have gone 4 years and 5 years without placing a bet but I was not in recovery. I was in abstinence and that abstinence those previous two times was very weak in fact it really was denial of the overall problem.

Now with the grace of God, my family, friends and the Gamblers Anonymous Program I am truly in recovery. Abstinence is one part of the process and yes, it is a very important part; however; what I have learned over the course of the past 365 days that there is a great deal more to recovery. I learned that recovery does not have to be done all alone. I learned there are some great people who are willing to help in my recovery process. I learned there is a road map to a successful recovery and it is called the GA Recovery and Unity Program. There are twelve steps that need to be followed each and every day in order for me to have a successful recovery.

I learned my mind was closed to the fact that I am and will always be a compulsive gambler. I learned when I said the words; "I am a compulsive gambler" to another person it was as if a burden was lifted from my shoulders. I learned if I truly want to recover I must work at it each and every day in my life. I learned that I will NEVER be a normal person who gambles because gambling has caused misery and despair in my life and if I went back to it I would expect the same and it would be even worse.

I learned that fellow compulsive gamblers are NOT bad people they are good people who are doing something about their problem. I learned these people are blessings in my life and I owe my existence to them because without them I don't know how I would go on. I learned I have so many blessings especially my family. I learned I have a remarkable wife who loves me very much. I learned I have two especially wonderful children who give me the breathe in my life. I learned I have some very special people in my life. I learned that two of these people are my mother and mother-in-law. I learned I have a very special bond with my sisters. I learned my sisters are very different people yet love me just the same. I learned my father loves me very much in spite of the things I have done.

I learned I have incredible in-laws and I learned I love them very much. I learned the meaning of the word friend. I learned I have some incredible friends. I learned people are very different and react in very different ways yet are still their for my family. I learned people will be people and I cannot change their views. I learned I can only change myself. I learned I cannot save the world only myself. I learned life is to be lived one day at a time. I learned the past is history. I learned tomorrow is a mystery. I learned today is all I have. I learned I have all that I could have ever ask for.

I learned that fantasy is overrated. I learned reality really isn't so bad. I learned life is worth living in the present. I learned living for today is the only to live. I learned that gambling is no longer a part of my life. I learned I don't ever have to feel the way I did last year at this time.

I learned the court system works very slowly. I learned people do their jobs very well. I learned there are some very special people in my life that weren't in my life over one year ago. I learned I am so thankful for these people. I learned how to find my true feelings. I learned the meaning of honesty. I learned the meaning of open-mindedness. I learned the meaning of willing. I learned I am not a bad person. I learned I did some very very bad things. I learned the meaning of consequences. I learned the meaning of personal responsibility. I learned how to connect with myself. I learned I have many character defects. I learned I have many character strengths. I learned I am ready to have these defect of character removed by my Higher Power.

I learned the meaning of Higher Power. I learned I have deceived myself for so many years. I learned awareness of myself. I learned I deceived so many people. I learned life is meant to be lived with a positive purpose. I learned the difference between religion and spirituality. I learned I didn't have either of these things in my life. I learned that spirituality has helped me tremendously in my recovery. I learned I have so much more to learn. I learned I have not stopped learning and will not stop learning. I learned the battle against compulsive gambling is a lifelong journey and will never end. I learned I love to learn. I learned I am a blessed person.

I know there is a whole lot more I am leaving out and will touch on it in the days to come. This last year has been a roller coaster ride but I am so grateful for everyday. I am grateful because I have embraced my recovery with the key facets of the Gamblers Anonymous Program which are honesty, open-mindedness and willingness. I know I have learned the hard way but the difference this time as opposed to the two previous times is I am finally doing something about it.

Open-mindedness

First off a very happy birthday to my dear nephew Mitchell; happy 4th birthday, I hope you had a great day. Now briefly continuing on the theme of the past two blog entries in regards to last year at this time. Last year on this day it was a Sunday and I was in full denial mode thinking I would be able to "get out" of any potential predicament. I was scheduled to play golf on this day with three other people and I didn't realize that this day would be the last day I would ever see two of these people again. Yes, I did play golf and I have no idea what I shot; my mind was still in full denial mode and tried to enjoy the day golfing with three friends.

I do remember driving to the golf course and I was behind a large truck which was carry rock and one of the rocks hit my windshield and made a nice dent. I still have this dent partly for a reminder of what was happening those days last year but mostly because I am afraid to price how much this dent is going to cost me.

I finished the round of golf and checked my wagers for the day and I had only won one game out of 10 bets placed. The $25,000 I had deposited two days ago was gone with the exception of some "free play" bonus money. My account for real money with the on-line sportsbook was zero. This was certainly a sign of what was to come in the next few days. Although this day last year was my next to last day of placing wagers for all intents and purposes it was the last day I had placed any wagers for a significant amount of money. I pray to God this would be the last day I ever placed wagers for as long as I live. I do know I have some powerful tools to ward off those horrible urges and it has been 364 days since my last bet.

I will write more about this time last year in the coming days but I wanted to focus on this afternoon's Gamblers Anonymous meeting. We started this meeting three weeks ago and I am so very glad it has started. The meeting lasts only one hour and at our first meeting we had 5 people and tonight we had 10. It doubled in size in just three weeks. I am so very blessed to be a part of this Program and it has helped me tremendously this past year. I am a very fortunate person to have so many positives surrounding my life.

The meeting tonight is a topic meeting and tonight's topic was open-mindedness. I gave my feelings on this topic but I wasn't very good. I will make an excuse; I was the first to go because no one seemed ready to start and I thought I was ready but after hearing everyone else's sharing I wanted a re-do. Here is my re-do; open-mindedness is one of the cornerstones of the Gamblers Anonymous Program and without this concept the Program would not work for me. I have always thought of myself as a very open-minded person and I do believe I am; however; I was not open-minded about myself.

I would never judge anyone before entering the GA Program and I certainly would not judge anyone now that I am part of the Program. I never looked long and hard at myself to see what gambling was doing to me. I had closed my mind to my addiction and this caused many bad things in my life. When I was 18 I closed my mind to how bad I had this addiction. I closed my mind to all of the things people I was told about compulsive gambling. When I was 28 I closed my mind as to where gambling had taken me once again. I thought I could "handle" this addiction by myself because I couldn't open my mind up enough to see how bad things were.

Yes, I have been somewhat responsible with my family (if you take away the gambling aspect) and was always there for my children. I would never blow-up at my wife and for the most part I am a very calm rational person. However; my mind was so closed to this addiction when I discovered what I had discovered at my previous employer I was incapable of making the proper decision. I thought it was just good fortune and I could lead the life I had always dreamed of. This is sickening when I think back about it. My mind was so closed I denied I even had a gambling problem when all of the signs were there. I was able to cover this gambling problem with my nice guy approach. A nice guy like me couldn't possibly do the things I had done but a nice guy with a gambling problem is capable of horrendous behavior and much more.

My mind was finally opened almost one year ago when I said the words; "I am a compulsive gambler". My mind continues to be open each and every day and I have the GA Program to thank for this. Without this Program in my life my mind would have remained closed and yes, the next stop for me would have been a very lonely death. I would have lost all of those people who believed in me and have supported me throughout this ordeal. I am finally getting the help I so needed at an earlier age. I am so very grateful to have found this help and I know it is not too late for anything. With the grace of my Higher Power, my family, my friends and the GA Program I know I can be the person I am destined to be. I will continue to work each and every day with an open mind so I can continue to progress positively throughout my recovery.

Sometimes when I go first at GA meetings I am not very good and may not make a lot of sense. However; as I really listen to other members share their experience, strength and hope I learn something every time. This was the case at tonight's meeting because I learned how closed my mind really was and now my mind is truly open. I am very excited to see the things I can do with this open mind.

Phone Call

Keeping along the same lines as yesterday's post; this day last year marked the telephone call that will forever change my life. It was a Saturday and I had just run an 8K with a (former)friend of mine and I stopped at the local health food store to pick-up some groceries. As I pulled into the parking lot my cell phone rang (actually vibrated) and I noticed it was my wife calling.

I answered the cell phone and my wife had informed me she was just at the dry cleaners and had used her ATM card and the ATM card was refused. She went to our local bank to see why the card was refused but they gave her some very sketchy information only telling her there was a hold on the account. She had told me all of this and I knew right then and there what the cause of all of this had been.

She told me maybe I should contact the bank by telephone to see if I could garner any additional information. Now I was hoping against hope it had something to do with the $25,000 bank wire I had sent the night before but that was just wishful thinking. I had a "special" telephone number for the bank's customer service office and I dialed the number right after I had hung up with my wife.

As I dialed the number and got transferred three different times I kept hoping against hope that they wouldn't tell me what I knew they were going to tell me. Finally after the third transfer I spoke with a very nice customer service representative who informed me that a hold had been put on my account due to some "suspicious transactions" in my checking account and was referred to the Fraud Department. The very nice customer representative informed me that the person handling my account was out until Monday so I should call back then because they couldn't give me any further information.

Once I heard "suspicious transactions" I knew exactly what that had meant and it was the words I didn't want to hear. However; my sick demented compulsive gambler brain started to work overtime to figure out how I could get out of this potential mess. Also; this being a Saturday during college basketball season I had numerous bets going on and I had to find out those results as well. As my brain tried to came up with a plausible explanation in reference to these "suspicious transactions" I also thought how could I continue doing what I was doing. Never thinking for a minute the end was coming soon; I was convinced I would get out of this potential mess and continue on with my sick twisted fantasy. This is how my brain worked when I had to have action; it really wasn't a very good place to be and I am so glad all of the madness had stopped.

I did know I had a few days to come up with something and as I watched all of my bets of the day go down in flames. I think I lost $12,000 of the $25,000 I had deposited the day before but my crazy brain had come up with something that seemed very plausible at least to me. I am a very creative person and some of these creative ways have gotten me into trouble over the years and this would not be an exception. I am positive I was up all night tossing and turning trying to convince myself everything would be fine and life would go back to "normal".

Unfortunately "normal" for me was insanity for most people. I am so blessed that over the course of the next few days the people who were making the decisions didn't believe what I was saying or rather couldn't believe what I was saying. They couldn't believe what I was saying because they were just doing their jobs and everyone from the bank did their jobs remarkably well. However; over those few days I certainly didn't think this and in fact I was sure they would believe me because I am a very believable person and afterall I thought the bank had owed me something.

I wouldn't come right out and say this but my arrogance was showing. I was never outwardly arrogant; I was a (if there is a such a thing) passive aggressive arrogant person. In my mind I thought the bank had owed me something because afterall I was the one who got them all of the banking functions at my previous employer. This was not true and I didn't make the decision to have them do our banking I merely suggested their services. I was way down on the food chain in reference to making decisions but my brain certainly didn't think so.

This passive aggressive arrogance was horrible and I am trying everything to rid myself of this horrid character defect. I know so many things about myself now then I did one year ago and I continue to learn so many things about myself as each day goes by. As I continue to truly work the Gamblers Anonymous Program I am fully aware of things I need to do to make myself a better person. I recognize this arrogance as a character defect and work hard each day to live a humble positive life with a strong purpose. I know it is a long and sometimes bumpy road to recovery from this horrible addiction but it is certainly better than living in denial and deceit. I am thankful for all those people who didn't buy my story because if they did I would still be living in a true self-inflicted nightmare that could have ended even worse.

The End Towards a New Beginning

On this day last year I made a faithful wire transfer for $25,000 to a Costa Rican sportsbook that would forever change my life. My friend and I had talked about who would make the wire transfer and I told my friend that I would do the transfer because I wanted to set-up an automatic transfer system with my bank. I was tired of going down to the bank every week to process the wire and I was seeking an easier method.

I inquired from my bank as to an easier wire transfer method and they informed me about a telephone service they had to offer. It seemed very simple and I had initiated this process about two weeks ago but the paperwork got lost. The nice bank manager had informed me that the telephone system would be in place by the following week and this would be the last time I would have to come down to the bank to process the wire.

The only reason I started this process was due to my laziness and even though I had to have money at an offshore sportsbook I hated the process of getting the money to them because it was an inconvenience to me. It didn't matter that I was sending thousands and thousands of dollars to an offshore sportsbook account on a weekly basis it matter to me that I had to take an hour out of my day to process the wire.

My sick mentality was not focused on the thousands and thousands of dollars I was LOSING on a weekly basis but it was focused on NOT being inconvenienced. Yes, I was a very sick compulsive gambler. I could take the time to see if there was a more efficient way to send money to the sportsbook but I couldn't take the time to notice what I was doing to myself and my family. I think this qualifies compulsive gambling as a baffling insidious addiction.

Getting back to the "faithful" bank wire. I do remember that day as if it were yesterday and this would be the day BEFORE everything came crashing down upon me. I remember quite clearly calling the bank manager to initiate the bank wire and she would have the paper work ready when I came in at lunch time. Sure enough the paperwork was not ready because the bank manager had gotten busy and didn't have time to process the paperwork so I waited the extra 20 minutes.

As I waited the extra 20 minutes I remember chatting with the bank manager and a few of the bank tellers. I also remember that some of the bank tellers kept telling me that I looked just like Harry Potter. I don't know if this was a compliment or a back-handed jab. I just smiled and went on with the conversation but in the back of my head I wanted this wire to just get completed so I could have action for the night games and more importantly for the weekend which was about to start in a few hours.

The wire was complete and was sent to the offshore sportsbook and there was no inclination of what was about to transpire in the next few days. This wire was not unlike the many I have sent before except for the fact that I wanted to complete the automatic transfer process so I wouldn't have to come down to the bank anymore. I signed a few extra papers and these few extra papers would mark the end. Yes, it was the end but as I have documented in this blog a number of times it was the end towards a new beginning, thank God. Yes, the pain was about to stop and I am so very grateful.

The Lawsuit???

On Wednesday I read about a lawsuit regarding someone who became(?) a compulsive gambler by taking a drug for their Parkinson's Disease. This drug is a different drug from another drug which was in the news about six months ago. There is also a little twist to this lawsuit because it not only names the drugmaker but seven different casinos in Las Vegas who may have known about this doctor's Parkinson Disease and his medication yet they continued to offer lavish comps and most likely extended credit to this doctor. I didn't post the story on Wednesday purposely because I wanted to see if any of the mainstream media outlets would pick up the story and it appears they have. Here is the link to the initial article regarding the lawsuit.

Now here is an excerpt from an interview on MSNBC with Tucker Carlson and the attorney representing the doctor. Please pay close attention to Tucker Carlson's questions and keep in mind Mr. Carlson is a very intelligent man and a seasoned newsperson. I know most people don't understand addictions and Mr. Carlson is no exception even though he is highly educated. In my opinion it really doesn't matter if you have a high level education or no education; if you are not exposed to addiction then you have no idea what an addiction can do to any person. I am here to tell anyone who cares that addictions especially my addiction to gambling compulsively took me to places I would have never dreamed and no I couldn't just stop, unfortunately.

Here is the interview with Tucker Carlson and the attorney representing the doctor who is suing a drugmaker for making him a compulsive gambler and seven different Las Vegas Casinos who allegedly perpetrated this compulsive gambling.

Gambler blames Parkinson's for his addiction

Dr. Max Wells plans to sue casinos and drug maker to lessen his debt

After gambling away $14 million, a retired physician from Austin, Texas, is making one last bet, that he'll recover his loss by suing casinos and the makers of his Parkinson's medication.

Dr. Max Wells says the drug company failed to warn patients that Requip and a similar drug called Mirapex could cause compulsive gambling. He also says Las Vegas casinos, including the Wynn, Bellagio and Harrah's, share the blame because they let him gamble, even though they knew he was on the medication and compulsive about it.

Dr. Wells' attorney, Tom Thomas, joined Tucker Carlson, on Situation to discuss his clients case.

TUCKER CARLSON, HOST, SITUATION: Now, I understand that there's a likelihood that this medication did make your client compulsive about gambling; whether it made him a compulsive gambler is a different question. Let's just say that right off the top. I think it's possible.

TOM THOMAS, ATTORNEY FOR DR. MAX WELLS: Yes, there are some studies. Mayo Clinic published one in '05. There's been one as recently as three weeks ago. There's no doubt that in a number of these patients that they're compulsive gambling.

CARLSON: Yes, I absolutely believe it. But this guy lost $14 million. OK.

THOMAS: Yes. His life savings.

CARLSON: After about, say, a million dollars or $7 million or even, say, $10 million, why didn't he seek treatment?

THOMAS: It wouldn't have made any difference if it had been $100 million. If you've got a compulsion, you can't stop.

CARLSON: Well, you can tell other people you have a compulsion. Of course you can stop. I know a million compulsive drinkers. I know some compulsive gamblers who've stopped. I mean, there are a lot of people with compulsions who either control them or turn to other people to help them control them. Why didn't your client do that?

THOMAS: Because he's taking a drug. You can't control it when you're taking the drug that creates the compulsion. You can only control it by stopping to take the drug.

CARLSON: But he must have been aware that he was losing millions and millions and millions of dollars, correct?

THOMAS: You know, he was aware of it. But the compulsion overcame the feelings that you describe that most of us would have. You're importing or assuming and properly and understandably so a rational train of thought. That's one of the evils of this particular problem, is it destroys rationality. No rational person would squander $14 million in 10 months.

CARLSON: There's no question your client's insane, whether it's the drug's fault or not. Of course, you lose $14 million it's bad.

I'm just saying that people with compulsions to drink, to do drugs, to gamble, are not completely insane. They understand they're destroying themselves, and that's why many of them reach out to other people to help them. There is an element of free will in this disease, even if you're taking Parkinson's medication. So why didn't he do that?

THOMAS: There's not much of an element of free will when you're choosing between the only drug that will give you any normalcy in your life and a byproduct that you don't know is being created by that drug.

CARLSON: I guess I'm not going to ask you for a fifth time why he didn't go to Gamblers Anonymous. Why didn't his wife pipe up? Apparently, the Las Vegas casinos treated them like the whales they were, and sent them on a cruise to Alaska, and gave them all kinds of comps. She must have known.

THOMAS: She didn't know how much. If you've been to Las Vegas, you know wives don't gamble with husbands. And he had his own their money separately. She didn't know.

CARLSON: Did a casino send your client on a cruise to Alaska?

THOMAS: They did. She knew that they were gambling money. She had no idea it was in the millions.

CARLSON: OK. Well, I'm sure she didn't. But I mean, she couldn't have imagined she was being sent on a cruise because her husband was winning at the craps table, correct?

THOMAS: I don't know what she imagined about that. She's a high school math teacher. I don't think she knows beans about it.

CARLSON: She does now.

THOMAS: She does now. And in fact, it was her ultimate questioning that led to Max's seeking some help where he was taken off the drug.

CARLSON: Wait. Just to go back to something you said. She's a math teacher you said?

THOMAS: Yes, she's a math teacher.

CARLSON: But not obviously, not a very good math teacher if she couldn't figure out that he was losing a lot of money.

THOMAS: Now, that's not so. You can't draw that conclusion if you don't know what's happening.

Tucker Carlson is right about one thing; if this doctor is successful against the casinos it will change the way in which the casinos give credit and give out comps to all of their customers and this will create a huge ripple effect throughout the Gaming Industry. I would be very surprised if this doctor is successful because he is going against one of the most powerful and influential industries this country has to offer and they will go to great lengths to protect their product. It will be interesting to see how far this lawsuit goes.

You can watch the entire interview via this link.

Twelve Step Prayers

In the Gamblers Anonymous Program there is a road map to a successful recovery which is appropriately called the Twelve Steps of Recovery. I try to apply all of these steps in my daily affairs and the other day I was given the Twelve Step Prayers. I wanted to pass this on because I think these prayers are fantastic. If anyone needs reference to the Twelve Steps of Recovery in the Gamblers Anonymous Program please click here. Here are the Twelve Step Prayers;

12 STEP PRAYERS


First Step Prayer

Today I ask for help with my addiction, Denial has kept me from seeing how
Powerless I am and how my life is unmanageable.
I need to learn and remember I have an incurable illness and that
Abstinence is the ONLY way to deal with it.

Second Step Prayer

I pray for an open mind so I may come to
Believe in a Power greater than myself.
I pray for humility and the continued
Opportunity to increase my faith
I don’t want to be crazy anymore.

Third Step Prayer

God, I offer myself to Thee
To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will.
Take away my difficulties that victory over them may bear
Witness to those I would help of Thy Power.

Fourth Step Prayer

Dear God, It is I who have made my life a mess.
I have done it but I cannot undo it.
My mistakes are mine and I will begin a searching
And Fearless moral inventory. I will write down my wrongs,
But I will also include that which is good.
I pray for strength to complete the task.

Fifth Step Prayer

Higher Power, my inventory has shown me who I am
Yet I ask for your help in admitting my wrongs to
Another person for you. Assure me and be with me
In this step, for without this step I cannot progress in my
Recovery. With your help, I can do this, and I do it.

Sixth Step Prayer

Dear God, I am ready for your help in removing
From me the defects of character which I now realize
Are an obstacle to my recovery. Help me to continue
Being honest with myself and guide me toward
Spiritual and mental health.

Seventh Step Prayer

My Creator, I am now willing that you should have all
Of me, good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me
Every single defect of character which stand in the way of
My usefulness to you and my fellow. Grant me strength
As I go out from her to do your bidding. Amen.

Eighth Step Prayer

Higher Power, I ask your helping making my list of all those I have harmed.
I will take responsibility for my mistakes, and be forgiving to others.
As you are forgiving to me. Grant me the willingness
To begin my restitution. This I pray.

Ninth Step Prayer

Higher Power, I pray for the right attitude to make my amends,
Being ever mindful not to harm others in the process.
I ask for guidance in making indirect amends. Most important
I will continue to make amends by staying abstinent,
Helping others and growing in spiritual progress.

Tenth Step Prayer

I pray I am continue to grow in understanding and effectiveness,
To take daily spot check inventories of myself. To correct myself
When I make them. To take responsibility for my actions. To be every aware of my
Negative and self-defeating attitudes and behaviors. To keep my willingness in check.
To always remember I need your help. To keep Love and tolerance of others as my code.
And, to continue in daily prayer how I can best serve you, my Higher Power.

Eleventh Step Prayer

Higher Power, as I understand you I pray to keep my connection with you
Open and clear from confusion of daily life. Through my prayers and
Meditation I ask especially for freedom from self-will, rationalization
And wishful thinking. I pray for the guidance of correct thought and
Positive action. Your will, Higher Power, not mine be done.

Twelfth Step Prayer

Dear God, my spiritual awakening continues to unfold.
The help I have received I shall pass on and give to others.
Both in and out of the Fellowship. For this opportunity I am grateful.
I pray most humbly to continue walking day by day on the road of
Spiritual progress. I pray for inner strength and wisdom to practice.
The principles of this way of life in all I do and say. I need you, my friends
And the Program every hour of every day. This is a better way to live.

I will comment on these prayers at a later time because I need to time to fully understand the meaning of each and every prayer.

Also I would be remiss if I didn't congratulate my dear friend from the Great White North; Anne. CONGRATULATIONS; I love you very much and I know you have waited for this day for what may have seemed like an eternity but you made it. God is great and life is wonderful; I hope you and Dan have a very special evening. You are my inspiration and thank you for being my friend. Way to go girl!!!!

Telling my Story

Last night I had the pleasure of having a very nice dinner with an old friend of mine. This had been an annual event for the past five years with the exception of last year because my friend decided to cancel his trip to Southern California at the last moment; however; my wife and I had gone anyway to this same place for dinner last year in his stead. That trip for my wife and I would mark our last mini-vacation for some time but that is in the past and now it is time to concentrate on today.

We had a very enjoyable dinner last evening; the food was superb and the company was even better. I have written about this friend in the past and even though I don't get to see this friend as much or talk with this friend as much as I have in the past I do so enjoy his company. It is always a pleasure to get together with this friend because the conversation is always excellent and the evening seems to go by so fast. Also; I am so happy to hear things are working themselves out for this friend because he is a great person.

As I was driving home from this great dinner I had time to think and reflect on certain events. Sometimes when I do this it can be detrimental but lately it has been all positive. I know what I have done to my family is horrible; however; I do know what I am doing today is very good. I did have some great times in the past and met a lot of great people. Some of these people are long gone and I won't ever speak with them again but there are still some people who don't have a problem being seen with me in public and have been there for me and my family in this terrible time. I am so grateful for everyone I have come in contact with in my life because I am truly a better person because of everyone especially those that have stood by me. I thank everyone very much I am truly a blessed person.

Today I had the pleasure of being the speaker at the Wednesday Night Gamblers Anonymous Speaker meeting. This is a new meeting in our area and the first one was held last week so this was meeting number 2. I was asked to be the speaker this afternoon which meant I had 25 to 30 minutes to share my thoughts. This is a far cry from a normal GA meeting where each member gets 5 minutes to share their thoughts. Rarely do I ever take the five minutes and usually try to stay in the 3 minute range because others need to be heard. When I was preparing for the speaker meeting and knowing I had up to 30 minutes I became concerned. I didn't think I could speak for thirty minutes. I was wrong!!! As I was speaking for what seemed to be 5 minutes I looked at my watch and it had been 25 minutes; I was amazed how fast the time went. I wrapped up quicker than I would have liked but all in all I think it went well only one person fell asleep!!!

I received positive feedback from all of the members which was greatly appreciated. I did feel bad for one member who showed up at the end of the meeting because they thought the meeting started at 6:00 pm instead of 5:00 pm because I really like this member and I know they came to support me. I was willing to re-do my "speech" but I wasn't too sure the other members wanted to hear it again!!! Seriously, the meeting went very well and I am looking forward to other speaker meetings in the coming weeks because it is so nice to hear other members share their experience, strength and hope for more the five minutes.

One final thought; as I was telling my story which goes back to the day I was born (I didn't think it was too boring!!) up until present day and really is very painful for some people to hear; however; it is extremely therapeutic to me to tell the story. I could see it in other members eyes; the fear as I told the story because they knew where the story would end up. Each time I tell the story I learn a little more about myself and really has helped me in my recovery.

It really is a cleansing of my soul because for so many years I denied my compulsive gambling. I denied it so much I blocked out certain events over those years and when I re-tell the story I start to remember more and more. As my mother said during her visit; I was a "sick ticket", she was so right. I don't want to be a "sick ticket" anymore and I continue to learn with some extremely valuable tools to be the person I am destined to be.

Proper Perspective

As I dropped my mom off at the airport last night she raised some very interesting points. The first one; she last visited in August of last year which was six months ago but it felt like she was here only a few weeks ago. That visit in August might have been the best visit we have ever had since I moved out of New Jersey 12 years ago.

Which brings me to her second point; the reason why that visit was the best visit was I was truly with everyone on that visit. Meaning; I wasn't worried about the score or scores of some insignificant games or planning on how and when I would get my next bet down. I was there mentally and physically like this past visit.

Her third point and final point was a question tied to a statement; she had said, even though you have lost your job, your house and all of your money in the past year it has to be better than when I was doing the "insane" things I was doing and the real reason why the last visit was so good according to my mom she got her son back. Which made me feel so very good.

She is 100% correct; even though my life has turned upside down I am much better off today than I was one year ago. One year ago there were a million things on my mind and I couldn't focus very well. I thought I was doing a good job at fooling everyone but in truth I only fooled myself. I fooled myself into thinking I could perpetrate a lie and I did everything in my power to continue this lie to the very end. This lie (I could gamble like "normal" people) drove myself into the ground.

Once I accepted the fact that I CANNOT and will never be able to gamble like "normal" people and admitted I am powerless to gambling and my life had become totally unmanageable life started to get better and continues to get better. Yes, prison is in my future but that is part of the Program; no bailouts and as terrible as it seems life will continue to go on and my life will continue to go on in the proper direction.

This proper direction was learned the hard way and yes, I wish I didn't have to learn this the hard way but it really was the only way for me to truly learn. Otherwise I would have continued on with the lie. I am so grateful to be a compulsive gambler in recovery because I have met some wonderful people and learned some very good things about myself in this past year. I owe all of this to the Gamblers Anonymous Program.

I was first introduced to the Gamblers Anonymous Program 22 years ago but never attended a meeting. I was contacted by a member over the telephone and this member told me some horrific stories and each one of those horrific stories came true in my life because I was not ready to admit I am and will always be a compulsive gambler. Eleven years later gambling consumed me again and when I had to declare personal bankruptcy I tried to get help from a psychologists and went on three sessions.

I had nothing in common with this person and decided I could beat this addiction by myself never even thinking about attending a GA meeting which turned out to be a horrible decision. However; the third time is the charm for me; I needed help with my addiction and I know I can't do this on my own. I know I don't have to do this on my own because there is a great Program that is 100% effective if I follow the guidelines.

These guidelines play a significant role in my life each and every day. I follow those guidelines every day and even though this past year has been extremely tough my life continues to get better and I know as long as I follow these guidelines my life will continue to get better each and every day.

Short Visit

My mom is returning to the East Coast this evening and even though her visit was short we all had a great time. It was a very full four days and those four days flew by. Time does fly when you are having fun. She had a great time with the grandkids; she was able to show my daughter how to knit and if you know my mother this really is a big accomplishment. I know I am going to get into trouble for that last comment but I had to say it. I came home from my Gamblers Anonymous meeting last night to find my daughter sitting on the couch knitting a scarf. It was one of the cutest things I have ever seen; my 8 year old daughter sitting intently knitting; this was truly priceless.

Another priceless moment occurred Saturday evening as I got my son ready for bed. I put on his pajamas that apparently made him look "fat" (remember he is 5 years old and where he comes up with these things I will never know!) and carried on. I was not going to back down because after all they were only pajamas and he really should just deal with it. He cried and cried and I firmly told him to go to bed which he did. However; even though I was the one to scold him he wanted me to lay with him until he calmed down. I laid with him rubbing his back for five minutes and he went from uncontrolled sobbing to fast asleep in five minutes. As I watched he sleep so peacefully I realized this is the only thing that matters in my life.

All of the horrendous things I have done to my family because I needed to place wagers were foolish because I have everything I need in Monica (my wife), Lauren (my daughter) and Jonathan (my son). These are some of the very special blessings in my life and I do take the time to fully enjoy each and every moment. Without these special blessings my life would be empty and even though I have done some very bad things to them and others my family has been with me every step of the way. There is good inside of me and now with all of the blessings and special people who surround me I try each and every day to focus on the good things in my life.

I had a conversation with my Mom and we were talking about how good things constantly seem to happen to certain people and bad things constantly happen to another group of people. I won't go into the whole conversation but I disagreed with some of what my mom was saying where in she was saying certain people do not allow bad things to happen to them whereas certain other people do allow bad things to happen to them. In a way this is true and in a way there are certain events that no matter what you allow or disallow you cannot control. I believe it is how you react to certain negative events which define you as a person.

I know for myself I brought all of this on myself by my actions and I do regret everything I have done. However; I cannot change those past events I can only change today. Almost one year ago I was faced with a decision which was to continue with the lies and deceit or to come clean. Thanks to my Higher Power I decided to come clean because otherwise I would not have learned anything. I thank God for teaching me every day and giving me the tools to be a better person.

I know I am on the right road to recovery and to be the person I am certainly capable of being. I also know this road is not easy but I have some very special people in my life to continue me on this right road. I am so thankful for that faithful day almost one year ago because it was my New Beginning. I am trying to make the most of this New Beginning because I love the progress I have made so far and I know there is a plan for me. All of this has happened for a reason and I am very grateful.

Fellowship of Love

Grandma is here which means we as a family do more "stuff" than normal. Yesterday we had a great day at the Science Museum in San Diego. One of the positives of where we live in Southern California is the close and yet far enough away proximity to many culture type events. We live approximately one hour from San Diego and an hour and half from Los Angeles. We are far enough away to not have the hustle and bustle of the larger cities yet close enough to enjoy a day trip to each of these destinations. I also must state that when we moved here four and half years ago there was certainly less "hustle and bustle" than there is now but it is still a great place to live.

I know I threw all of this away when I let my gambling addiction take hold of my life but I do enjoy where we live albeit temporary. We had a great day at the science museum and the children along with grandma enjoyed themselves very much. We were able to see a movie about a young boy from India who embarked on an eight year eight thousand mile journey across India. The movie was displayed in an IMAX theater and if you have never experienced IMAX I highly suggest finding one in your area. It is as if you are actually in the movie because the movie is displayed in a 360 degree format.

I was a little tired so I closed my eyes for the first five minutes of the movie but I was very impressed with the film. The film was about a young boy at age 11 who embarked on this journey by himself. He was a Yogi (a markedly reflective or mystical person) who was on a spiritual journey. It was a remarkable journey because as he walked all alone through India from the age of 11 to 18 he was not alone. He was in tune with his spirit and with this he shared his experiences with anyone he encountered on this journey.

As I watched this film about this young man I thought about the Gamblers Anonymous Program. To me the GA Program is a spiritual journey which has gotten my life back together and as long as I continue in this Program life will continue to grow richer and richer. As this young man walked through the country side and encountered lions and frigid temperatures he was one with himself with nature.

One year ago spirituality was a foreign concept to me. I had no idea what spirituality had meant until I committed myself to the GA Program. The GA Program is not a religious program it is a spiritual program. It took me a few months to understand this concept and develop my Higher Power. I choose to call my Higher Power God but it is not he or she; it is not allied with any sect, denomination or religion. It is a spiritual being who is loving, caring, forgiving and does not judge. The young man in this movie was all of these things and he was in tune with his Higher Power. The young man went about his business and was so at peace with himself. I strive for this inner peace each and every day. I am getting better but I have a long way to go.

I know I am so much better off today than I was over one year ago and I have learned and continue to learn with some valuable tools to find this inner peace. I was mesmerized by the inner peace the young boy had in the movie and with all the tools I have at my disposal there is no reason I cannot attain this inner peace if I continue applying these tools to my everyday life.

In the past I might have not given this movie a second thought but life has a whole new meaning to me and it is a meaning of goodness. My life is filled with goodness and this goodness comes in many shapes and sizes. One of the great things in my life is the Fellowship I have found in the GA Program. Without this fellowship I would have been completely and utterly lost. There is so much love in this fellowship and I am grateful for each and every person that comes into the rooms of GA. This Program does work for me because I am committed to my recovery from this insidious addiction. I know I can never be cured but I do like the fringe benefits this Program has given me most notably my life.

My mom was able to attend tonight's GA meeting and this meeting was filled with love. These are truly great people with an awful addiction that are doing something about it. A few months ago I received an email from a friend of mine who is battling their own gambling addiction. This friend stated that they did not need a room to tell them they had a problem with gambling. I do not view GA as this in fact; it is a Program where I can receive help for my problem and give me some very valuable tools to deal with this addiction. I know 12 step programs are not for everyone but this 12 step program is working very well for me and I am so happy to be involved with such fantastic Program with fabulous people.

Courthouse Not Immune

In what appears to be a proverbial "can of worms" here is a case from very close to where I reside in Southern California. It is another case of what compulsive gambling can do to a person and it looks like even the courthouse is not immune to this insidious addiction. Here is the story in its entirety;

Court Embezzlement Trial

A Superior Court supervisor accused of stealing files and at least $61,000 from the El Cajon courthouse to feed his gambling habit pleaded not guilty Friday to burglary, grand theft and embezzlement.

David Anthony Macias, a clerk with 27 years experience in the court system, faces six to eight years in prison if convicted of the current charges, said Deputy District Attorney Mike Still.

Orange County Superior Court Judge Pamela Iles, who is handling the case because San Diego Presiding Judge Janis Sammartino recused the entire San Diego bench, set Macias' bail at $500,000.

Still told the judge that a court security camera caught Macias going in and out of the court's vault with a black backpack-type bag on Saturday, Jan. 21, and Sunday, Jan. 22. Macias, 46, told investigators he took money from the courthouse and gambled it away at the Barona Casino, Still said.

"He was known to be a big-time player there," the prosecutor said. Macias was a supervisor in the accounting department and was also in charge of the evidence locker, Still said.

He potentially faces many more charges because investigators found hundreds of court files during a search of the defendant's bedroom, Still said. In a three-hour taped interview after his arrest, Macias told investigators he had been stealing court files and money, checks and credit card receipts for the past 10 to 15 years, Still said.

During the search of Macias' home, court files from last year dating back to the mid-1980s were found, Still said. Some of the missing court files were supposed to have cash attached to them that Macias allegedly took.

He is also accused of pocketing money from people who came to the courthouse to pay fees and fines, the prosecutor said. Still said investigators have no idea how much money may have been stolen over the years, and that hundreds of thousands of dollars could be missing.

Macias told investigators he spent the third weekend in January playing poker and blackjack at Barona Casino, losing $8,000, the prosecutor said.

Macias lived with his mother in Lemon Grove, and his mother reported him missing when he didn't show up for work the next day, Still said. He was arrested Tuesday when he flagged down San Francisco police officers and told them he was out of money, had no gas for his car and figured a warrant was out for his arrest in San Diego, Still said.

Macias is charged with four felony counts, including burglary, grand theft, stealing public funds and theft of government court files. Macias told investigators he had gambled away $1,000 to $1,500 every other day for the month leading up to the alleged January theft at the El Cajon courthouse, Still said.

Investigators who searched Macias' bedroom found it a "mess," with divorce files, child support files and other types of court files strewn about the room, Still said.

If someone returned to court looking for a file, Macias would create a duplicate file, the prosecutor said. The prosecutor said there is no statute of limitations on the type of charges Macias is facing.

A bail review was scheduled for Thursday and a preliminary hearing for March 17.

Rambling Thoughts and a Happy Birthday

First off a very big Happy Birthday to my Father. Happy Birthday Dad!!! I hope you had a great day. I know it has been very difficult for everyone in my family especially my father. I am truly sorry for all the grief and sorrow my actions have caused. I know I am doing everything necessary to ensure this does not happen again and I am very grateful for all of the support from everyone especially my father. I hope you had a great golf game today.

Yes, grandma did arrive last night and she was so excited she couldn't wait until the morning to see the grandchildren. She woke them up and they were a bit startled to see her but they were very happy to see their grandmother. They love their grandmother very much and we all will have a great time during her visit.

I read in the newspaper today my ex-employer made a very significant donation to the local tourism bureau which seems like a departure from when I was employed but they seem to be moving in a very positive direction. This is the third significant donation they have made to a local organization in the last year. They are a good organization and it is so nice to see them reaching out to the local community. In the newspaper article it referred to one of my former friends and it is nice to see this former friend is doing so well.

Yes, there are sometimes I do miss the work camaraderie and I do miss some very fascinating people. I do know everything happens for a reason and I do know I have made a great many true friends in the past year which I can count on for years to come. I do hate what I have done to everyone surrounding me; however; I do understand I have had and will continue to have a compulsive gambling problem which I continue to address each and everyday. As I continue my diligent efforts in my recovery life gets better each day.

Tomorrow is another birthday celebration at our Saturday Morning Gamblers Anonymous and we will be celebrating two members second year of abstinence in the Program. Our little group is not so little anymore and the Program is truly getting bigger and better as each day goes by. I am very blessed to be surrounded by some great individuals and they are making my recovery that much better.

I found out today that my next court appointment will be delayed another week or so. My attorney has a trial and he cannot attend my court meeting. I spoke with my attorney this afternoon and our relationship has changed significantly over the course of the last year and he is more like a friend than an attorney. I am glad I chose him because I do feel comfortable with his advice and he actually listens to me when I talk.

I don't like the fact that I have to continue to defer the inevitable but I do know these things are out of my control and it gives me that much more time to spend with my family. I know my days are numbered and I would like to get into the sentencing phase as soon as possible so I can start living again; however; I do know there is a plan by God and I will listen very intently to this plan because I know everyone will work out for the very best.

Legislation?

I wanted to follow-up with the news story I posted last night regarding the baby who died in a car at a local Southern California Casino. The details are still a bit sketchy but here is what has been reported. The mother went into the casino (presumably to gamble) and the husband and baby waited out in the car. The husband fell asleep and when he woke up he found the baby not breathing. The case has been referred to the County Medical Examiner as a death investigation not a homicide. The only thing I can say is I firmly believe there are no coincidences in life.

Congressman Bob Goodlatte from Virginia has introduced HR 4777 The Internet Prohibition Gambling Act. To read more about the bill please click here. It appears this is a bi-partisan effort from another Congressman in Virginia which in today's politics should be considered a big deal but I won't go into that. Here is an excerpt from Congressman's Bob Goodlatte website regarding this piece of legislation; "This bipartisan legislation will crack down on the growing problem of illegal, off shore gambling, as well as illegal gambling that crosses state lines over phone lines and Internet technologies. These activities suck billions of dollars per year out of the U.S. economy, serve as a vehicle for money laundering, undermine families, and threaten the ability of states to enact and enforce their own laws."

I believe bills like this one have been introduced over the past years and all have failed for a number of reasons. I have no idea what lies ahead for this piece of legislation but I can comment on one part of Congressman's statement; "undermine families". I can speak from experience that my inability to control my gambling on sports via the internet certainly undermined my family and caused me to do inexplicable and illegal things.

I am not sure if the Congressman from Virginia was alluding to compulsive gambling in this statement and if he is not it is unfortunate. Me as a compulsive gambler would have found another venue to place my wagers if the internet was unavailable due to legislation and I believe the bigger concern should be the awareness and treatment for compulsive gamblers. This legislation is a band-aid and does not address the real issue; compulsive gambling.

It will be interesting to see how this legislation pans out and like I had mentioned these types of bills have been introduced over the years only to die on the vine. This bill does attack the off-shore gambling industry and not the land based casinos. The gaming industry in the United States is a very powerful industry with lots of money but they are not being threatened by this legislation or are they? It appears the islands of Antigua, Cost Rica, Belize, Jamaica and other remote islands across the world are in the cross hairs of this legislation. I don't know what may happen but I hope there is one member of Congress that looks at the big picture. Yes, they can make it illegal to place wagers on the internet but that would not have stopped me because I am and will always be a compulsive gambler.

Today I am resting from my Gamblers Anonymous meetings. I am not going to a meeting today even though there are two options. I am picking my mother up at the airport this evening who is coming in to visit the grandchildren for the President's Day Weekend. My mother is trying to surprise my daughter but my daughter seems to think something is going on because my wife has been cleaning all day. Usually my wife cleans when someone visits and my daughter had asked me why is Mommy cleaning and I told her because the house is really dirty. Which is not a lie but it is not the whole truth. Even though my daughter is only 8 years old she is a very intelligent little girl and makes me smile all the time. I am sure grandma will be able to surprise my daughter but I know my daughter will say "I told you so" because she knew something was going on.

Days Moving Quickly

One of the key components in the Gamblers Anonymous Program is to be PATIENT. In fact the passage goes something like this; Be PATIENT the days and weeks will pass soon enough and as you abstain from gambling and follow the key components in the GA Program (my interpretation I know the GA Combo book has something different) your recovery will really accelerate. I have always been a patient person outside of my obsession to gamble; I have always been patient with my family, friends and co-workers but I wasn't patient with my gambling the patience; became non-existent. However; since I have not placed a wager of any kind in 352 days my recovery has really accelerated and the days and weeks sure have passed by so quickly.

It seems that the days go by like seconds. I don't know if it is the fact that in a few weeks I won't have the freedoms I have enjoyed for the last 40 and half years or the fact that I have fully immersed myself in recovery. Over the past 5 days I have been to 6 GA meetings and those five days have passed by so quickly. Also; in those past 5 days I have received further treatment for my compulsive gambling disorder at a local treatment facility which has also added to the fullness of my days.

When I first stopped gambling and all of my horrible deeds became known the days felt like years and when I was incarcerated for 5 days I thought time had actually stopped. Now I am almost one year removed from all of the madness and life has a new perspective and it is a good perspective. No matter what happens in the coming months and no matter where I spend the next year or so I know I am on the road to recovery. I have been given some very powerful tools by some very powerful people and as long as I continue to apply these tools to my daily affairs life will continue to get better.

The headline read; Child Found Dead In Car At Casino. This is a breaking story in a Southern California Native American Casino (not the one I was previously employed with) so the details were very sketchy. Here is the news alert in its entirety; A child has reportedly been found dead at Sycuan Casino. Police say the child was found in a car in the parking lot of the casino. Homicide detectives were called out to investigate.

I have read about these type of horrible events before and at some of the places where I used to work in the casino business it had happened. It is truly sad when any child dies but the circumstances surrounding these deaths are really horrible. I don't know the specifics about this particular case and I will not speculate. However; I do know of other incidences in Las Vegas and Arizona where mothers and fathers have left their children in a locked car in the parking lot of a casino where the temperatures had hit 100 plus degrees outside and the temperature inside the vehicle exceeded 150 degrees. The children were killed due to the heat and lack of oxygen. Many of these mothers and fathers were/are compulsive gamblers and if this is not a glaring example of what the illness of compulsive gambling can do to people then nothing is.

There was one account where a mother had locked her 18 month old in a car in Arizona for 9 hours. They interviewed the mother and she told them she was only going to run into the casino for a few minutes but somehow that few minutes turned into 9 hours. She couldn't stop gambling even knowing she had a baby in her car. This certainly does not excuse or explain away an unnecessary death but it shows how powerful the addiction to gambling can be and is. Yes, there are more stories like this everyday and I certainly can't save the world. I must concern myself with myself first and foremost or I will lose myself. However; the word about how powerful this addiction can be to some people must be told or there will be more and more of these unnecessary deaths.

Are compulsive gamblers bad people? I certainly do not think I am a bad person; I do have a sickness which can never be cured but can be arrested. The only way for me to arrest my compulsive gambling disorder is to NOT gamble and apply the GA Program to my everyday life. Yes, I thank God I didn't harm my family physically with my compulsive gambling addiction but I need to make amends for all the financial and emotional harm I have bestowed upon them. I am trying each and everyday to become a better person and I know I am a better person today than I was one year ago thanks to a very powerful Program.

Trampoline Incident

Thanks to our very gracious uncle/brother/brother-in-law we have had a trampoline in our backyard for almost three years. I have heard horror stories regarding accidents on trampolines but we have been very fortunate that is until yesterday. The trampoline we have in our backyard has a protective screen on the outside so the children will not fall out of it and this is a very good safety feature. However; there is nothing which can prevent children from colliding into one another as the jump on the trampoline. This is what happened yesterday; my daughter's chin met my son's head and much to my surprise my daughter's chin won.

My daughter was jumping and her brother (my son) was jumping close to her as my daughter was coming down my son was going up. My daughter's chin slammed into the top of my son's head and actually put a gash into the top of his head. There was no damage to my daughter's chin other than a minor scratch. This is very surprising because my son has a very hard head and had other collisions in the past with his head and he always came out fine. Not today; my daughter really gave it to him because she put a minor gash into his head and blood came squirting out.

All of this happened when I was in therapy and my wife came running out to the backyard to find the two children crying. My wife instantly went to my daughter because she was crying more hysterically than my son but as my wife went to comfort my daughter she instantly told her mother to go to her brother because he was bleeding and she was not hurt. My daughter was crying because she was so upset to hurt her brother and she instantly blamed herself even though it really was an accident. She is so hard on herself and she was devastated to see any pain/blood she had caused on her brother.

My wife stopped the bleeding but as a precaution she took my son to the doctor's office. Normally we would go to the emergency room but in our area healthcare is a bit frightening and visit to the emergency ward is a seven or eight hour ordeal but our doctor takes all walk-ins and if it were life threatening she would have admitted my son to the hospital promptly. Fortunately it was not life threatening and he didn't even require stitches. He does have a gash on his head and he did wear a hat all day at school to protect himself but he will be fine and it appears there has been no damage done to his brain because he was bouncing off the walls being his typical self today.

I guess it was bound to happen and even though the children really do enjoy the trampoline they must be as careful as possible of one another. I know they will be back on the trampoline in a few days but my daughter decided not to join her friends as they jumped on the trampoline later that day when my wife took my son to the doctor's office. My wife had a friend come over and this is a truly wonderful friend to watch my daughter and the little boy my wife watches during the week on such short notice. She came over quickly and we are truly blessed to have such friends who are remarkable people.

All of this happened when I was in therapy and my wife did call me as the events happened but she seemed to have the situation handled very well. I asked her if she wanted me to come home or come to the doctor's but she assured me everything would be fine and if it weren't she would call me. Thank God all went well and it was a minor incident but it does make me appreciate all that I do have in my family and in our friends.

Yes, I was in therapy yesterday with my friend and he had me speak to a group about my particular situation. This group was not filled with compulsive gamblers rather they had other types of addictions. As I recited my battle with my addiction I could see a genuine interest in most people's faces. My friend and I were trying to get the point across that although they are dealing with other addictions to be careful NOT to cross over and substitute gambling because it can lead to very bad consequences and who better to tell them these consequences then me.

Even though the group's age was much younger than mine I could see the fidgeting stop as I told my story. I was a little nervous telling my story but as I got into it and saw the interest I could tell I was making some sense to some of the people in the group. I will say it again yes, I have learned and continue to learn how to deal with my addiction the hard way but if my story can help one person to NOT do the things I have done then I have turned a negative into a positive and God truly does have a plan for me. I am very interested in this plan but I know this plan will be carried out one day a time.

Step Two

I am in the midst of a recovery festival (if you will); today I am going to attend a group therapy session for compulsive gamblers (which I am one) followed by an inaugural Gamblers Anonymous meeting which be followed by another GA meeting to celebrate a one year birthday. Which means this particular member has abstained from gambling for one year. It is a meeting that I do not usually attend but it is a very big day and the fellowship has shown me experience, strength and hope. Without the GA Program I would be totally lost which and I owe it to myself to make as many meetings as possible without interfering with my family life.

In the spirit of recovery I would like to touch on Step Two in the Gamblers Anonymous Program of recovery; Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to a normal way of thinking and living. In step one I finally admitted I was powerless to gambling and my life had become unmanageable. In step two the belief that a Power greater than me can restore me to a normal way of thinking and living. I tried and failed to quit gambling on my own so I want to believe there is something out there that I can count on to help me deal with my gambling addiction. Step two provides one of the keys which is a Power greater than myself.

Gamblers Anonymous is not a religious program even though there are references to God. GA is a spiritual program and God or a Higher Power can be anything a person chooses to believe from Jesus to the chair inside the meeting room. The fact that there is a Power that can restore me to sane way of thinking and behaving is enough for me because when I was gambling I didn't not act sanely nor did I behave sanely. I thought I was but I only fooled myself which lead to very bad things and very bad consequences.

Somewhere I lost my Higher Power. I was never a big believer or disbeliever in God I just accepted it as something I didn't know much about. I was raised Catholic but my parents always gave my sisters and me a choice when we were old enough to whether or not to continue in this religion. I know I lost my way a few years ago when the Catholic Priest scandal took hold. At the time I was involved in the Catholic Church in Las Vegas. I was a lecturer (reader) at Saturday mass but when this scandal hit I lost faith in the Catholic Church and some how returned to gambling. I don't believe the two are connected in a way that when I lost my way with the Catholic Church I instantly started to gambling because of it. I lost my faith and decided to put my energies elsewhere which was gambling.

Back to Step Two; the GA Program is very good at defining spiritual as a guide to moral progress in my life. My Higher Power which I choose to call God is a spiritual God and it is my own interpretation. My God is not allied with any religion or sect; it is loving, caring, forgiving and is always there when I need it. My God is neither male or female; it is a higher being than me and has shown me some very powerful things in this past year. One of the things is nothing happens as just mere coincidence; everything happens for a reason. Eleven and half months ago my world was turned upside down but through some tremendous people and a fantastic Program I found my God as I understand it and my life is on the right road to recovery.

I know I can't stop gambling by myself no matter how many safeguards I may put into my life so I need help and GA has provided this much needed assistance. I do know by constantly working Step Two in the Gamblers Anonymous Program of Recovery my life has gotten better and continues to get better. I firmly believe my God of my understanding has and will continue to restore me to a sane way of thinking and living. This is the essence of Step Two and I must not lose focus because lost focus will result in bad consequences. My God will continue to guide me back to sanity one day at a time.

Topic; Friends

The Gamblers Anonymous "A Day at a Time" daily reflection book has as a topic for today; friends. I have certainly found the meaning of friends as it applies to me. In the past I thought I had friends but what I have learned that many of these "friends" were just mere acquaintances. Many of these acquaintances I will never speak to again. However; as I have gone through this last year I have made and rediscovered some true friends. People who do not judge who genuinely care for me as a person.

Last night as I was getting the pizza for my daughter's birthday slumber party (eight seven and eight year old girls spending the night) from our local pizza restaurant I discovered a new found friend. Actually these are people who have been friends but I neglected them for fear of rejection. I had met the owners of this restaurant four years ago through my previous work. I had helped them with some restaurant equipment as they were getting their business off the ground. I also had them cater last years Christmas Lunch at my previous employer. These are very good people; however; I didn't know how to handle my situation and I avoided them for the past year.

As my wife called the pizza order in she spoke with one of the owners and they had told her they heard about my situation and were truly sorry. I went to pick up the pizza and I had a lengthy discussion with the two owners (husband and wife). They were unbelievably sympathetic and genuinely concerned with me and my family. Also, they personally knew someone who had gone through the same situation I am going through and for the same reasons; compulsive gambling. They were very good friends with this lady and her story is extremely sad. This lady was sentenced to four years in state prison and even though this was her first time offense she is doing time at a maximum security prison. I didn't get all the particulars but this lady's case and my case are eerily similar. There are a few exceptions but some very distinct similarities.

We talked for awhile but I had to get the pizza back to the slumber (I don't know why they call it a "slumber" party because no one sleeps!) party and they had to get back to the restaurant. We said our parting words and their words were very encouraging; they said everyone makes mistakes; we are all human and I had been very good to them over the years and they wouldn't forget that. I was so encouraged by these words and I am truly blessed to have these special friends in my life.

I got back to the house and delivered the pizza to the girls and had to get my five year old son out of the house. I was taking him over to another wonderful friend's house to spend the evening. I wound up staying a little too long talking with these very dear friends that I missed my daughter's birthday cake celebration. I know my daughter was okay with it because she was distracted by her friends but my wife was a little upset. It was my fault and I should have been there for the singing of "Happy Birthday" to my daughter. I apologized to my wife and daughter. I would like to have said I will be there next year but there really is no guarantee of that but I enjoyed the limited time I spent at the slumber party. My wife did a fantastic job with the party and even though my wife and the girls got a limited amount of sleep the party went very well.

I am taking pride in learning something each and every day. Today I have learned and will continue to learn the real value of friends. I have some very special people in my life who have been there for a very long time and I have some very special people in my life who have been there for a short period of time but each one of them are true friends. True friends do not judge they stand by their friends through thick and thin. I just hope I can be as good a friend to each of these people as they have been for me.

February 11, 1998

Eight years ago today my daughter was born in Las Vegas, Nevada. My wife had entered the hospital the day before because my daughter refused to join the world (smart kid!) she was 8 days late. The doctor put my wife on labor inducing medication and after about 22 hours of no results the doctor was going to perform a c-section. The doctor had told me that if my wife did not respond in the next hour she would perform a c-section. At this point my wife was out of it and didn't hear this conversation but right after the conversation I watched my wife's monitor spike like it hadn't spiked in the last 22 hours. I will spare everyone the gory details but I will say my wife went from no labor to full labor in less than an hour. I guess the subconscious mind can be pretty tricky!!!

I was at the hospital with a very dear friend of mine and my wife's. We lived very far (across the country) from our immediate family but had been blessed with some very good friends like we are now. This friend stayed with us the whole time and even though he either wasn't allowed in the delivery room or didn't want to join the delivery (I am still not sure which one it was) but stayed with us until Lauren was born. My daughter Lauren was born on Wednesday February 11, 1998 at 4:55 pm Pacific Time, she weighed 6 pounds 8 ounces and was 19 inches long. She was a very petite baby and 8 years later she still is very petite.

I clearly remember when the doctor handed my daughter over to my wife and I. She was not crying she was looking all around the room with her big beautiful blue eyes and when our eyes met I instantly melted. She had my heart and everything that had gone with it as well. I had the pleasure of giving her the first bath and the putting on her first diaper. She was perfect.

At this point in my life I was not gambling and was on my self-imposed ban from gambling which is why I can remember very clearly the happenings of this day. Somewhere over the next six months I found my back to sports wagering even though I had this perfect wife and perfect child at home. I believe it was my sense of entitlement which meant I was thinking I deserved to gamble a little and wouldn't let it get out of control. Well, this is certainly not the case because I am a compulsive gambler and a little betting lead to pitiful incomprehensible demoralization over the next 7 years. I have always been there physically and somewhat emotionally for my family but I let my gambling take over my life. Those days are gone and no matter what happens in court over the next few months things have worked and will continue to workout for the best.

Last night I had the pleasure of accompanying my daughter to her school's annual father/daughter dance. This year's theme was a 50's style sock hop. My daughter wore a pink poodle skirt and I had my hair slicked back like James Dean with the rolled up jeans and white tee shirt. It was a great time but the dance was over so fast. I remember attending last year's dance which had a more formal theme and it was before I had stopped gambling. I remember thinking when will this dance be over. Things have certainly changed over the year and for the better because last night seemed as if it were over before it had started.

The second to the last song of the night was a song by Collin Raye called "Butterfly Kisses". It is a very emotional song about a father and daughter and how the daughter grows up from a baby to her wedding day. As I danced with my daughter I noticed about half-way through the song she had tears in her eyes as did I. I asked my daughter if she were okay and she said she didn't like this song because it had made her cry. She went on to explain that she didn't want to grow up so fast and leave home. I assure her that it was okay to cry and she wouldn't grow up too fast. I told her to enjoy every moment she has because life does move quickly and no matter what happens I will always be there for her.

She seemed okay after the song but my heart was hurting knowing that I wouldn't be there physically for her in the months to come. I will write letters and talk to her on the phone and be there emotionally for her. I know it will be hard at first but it will pass and I will be back in her life and my family's life both physically and emotionally for a long time to come. After the dance we went to a 50's style soda shop with good friends of both my daughter and myself. My daughter got an ice cream sundae and life couldn't have been any better.

Tonight she is having ten of her friends over for a slumber party. This will be her first slumber party and she has been so excited all day. It should be interesting to see if anyone gets any sleep tonight.

Big Story?

I don't know how many of you are aware of the illegal gambling scandal which is hitting the National Hockey League but it seems the awareness level of gambling and illegal gambling has moved up a notch. The most famous names in regards to this scandal are Wayne Gretzky and his wife actress Janet Jones. It appears Ms. Jones was quite a prolific sports bettor and has been implicated in this scandal as someone who has placed bets with this illegal gambling ring. Of course what Ms. Jones has done is illegal but I would guess that she won't be implicated in any criminal proceedings because she wasn't the one taking the bets. The bigger fish are out there but I fear the federal prosecutors may want to make an "example" out of her. Does this really work, I may have to ask Martha Stewart.

I have read about many illegal betting rings shut down over the years and I don't remember seeing any of the bettors implicated in any criminal wrongdoing. Yes, it is criminal to place illegal wagers; however; these crimes are rarely prosecuted. Janet Jones and Wayne Gretzky are very big names in the world inside and outside of sports so hopefully they aren't covering something up for anyone and secondly if Ms. Jones was doing the gambling she may have bigger problems than the legal ones she may face.

I am not going to take inventory of Janet Jones and all the facts of this case are certainly not out there but I hope if she does in fact have a problem that I pray to God she finds treatment and commits to this treatment. It can change her life and it can save her life but if she continues down the path of denial like I did for so many years there isn't any therapy that can help. This story has a long way to go before it is all said and done but I hope the awareness shifts to compulsive gambling and how people can get treatment. This is where the real hope is in my opinion because there are so many people out there that won't seek treatment and won't commit to treatment until really bad things happen. I know because I was one of these people; however; it is never too late and my life has gotten better and continues to get better each and every day.

I wanted to post this story out of Wisconsin and yes, it is another story about how a compulsive gambler's life had gotten out of control. One part of the article refers to treatment as being "reasonably effective"; my opinion on this is that most people are unwilling to get treatment and when they enter treatment they continue to fight. However; for those people who are committed to their recovery the treatment will be "extremely" effective every time. Here is the article;

Gambling habit likened to crack addiction

MEQUON - Former fire chief Jim Wucherer admitted Monday he is seeking counseling and undergoing medical treatment for his obsessive-compulsive gambling disorder, which led him to resign amid allegations of receiving inappropriate reimbursements from the city and other funds connected to the Mequon Fire Department Organization.

Wucherer, 55, said his addiction cost him his livelihood, which has left him in "limbo" and asking himself why he didn't seek help sooner.

"He isn't alone," said Rose Gruber, executive director for the Wisconsin Council on Problem Gambling. "It’s not something someone can stop and walk away from on their own."

She said statistics also show that 5 to 7 percent of the state’s population has a gambling problem.

"It’s an addiction like no other," Gruber said. "It’s very often compared to having a crack cocaine addiction. Like crack cocaine addicts, gambling addicts will try to get money for their habit anyway they can."

She said many times an individual with a gambling addiction will take items from their workplace or home and try to sell them for money because the person has fallen into deep personal debt. Gruber said some, who never had financial problems before, will ask their friends and family members for money.

"A lot of times as they fall deeper they think they are the only ones with a problem," Gruber said. "Hopefully we can help because there is not a great deal of tolerance in the workplace for it."

She also said tisn'te isn’t a Gamblers Anonymous meeting in every community. The closest regular meetings to Ozaukee County are in Jackson and Milwaukee.

"Gambling is where alcohol was 20 years ago," she said. "We are behind the times when it comes to gambling. It all comes back to the awareness factor. Sometimes it takes someone who has a personal connection with the individual afflicted with gambling addiction to understand it."

Dr. Michael J. Bohn, a psychiatrist with Aurora Healthcare in Wauwatosa, said the prevalence of gambling has been on the rise throughout the last decade.

"Pathological gambling reflects a disturbance in the brain where there is a circuit which helps us with our primitive behaviors that helps us find food and is also related to our sex drives," Bohn said. "That part is connected to another area in the brain that helps us slow down and make careful choices and inhibits things that are potentially dangerous to us," he said. "When that area is not working as well or as quickly someone can have strong wills for rewards in what we call symbolic rewards such as trying to win the big one."

Bohn said at present there is no medication available through the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to help one with a gambling disorder.

"We are the only site right now in Wisconsin studying a drug that affects what we call the regulator of the drive system so as to help block or lose the intensity of the urge," Bohn said.

"This medicine seems to block the enkephalins that bind to the proteins in the brain which helps to regulate the driving mechanism that provides instant pleasure," he said.

Bohn said the drug, ndoesn'tene, doesn’t have an impact on daily pleasures such as how food tastes, sex or seeing a thriller-type movie, but it does reduce intense urges such as obsessive-compulsive gambling.

Although Bohn said there is no approved medication, he said counseling - including such programs as Gamblers Anonymous - has been "reasonably effective."

"Only 1 in 30 people with a gambling problem seek treatment, but if they don’t delay treatment, it can help," Bohn said. "It’s a disabling condition which can cause a great deal of personal burden if it goes untreated."

Inadequate Response

I heard something last week at two of my Gamblers Anonymous meetings and I can't get it out of my head because it makes so much sense. The member was talking about the Seventh Step of Recovery; Humbly asked God (of our understanding) to remove our shortcomings. In this step GA speaks of compulsive gambling as a Learned INADEQUATE response to life. The member went on to explain using a 2 year old child as an example. If a two year old child has a disappointing or frustrating experience they don't instantly walk out of the house and go to the nearest casino and start playing the slot machine. They either cry or deal with the situation some other way. Some where along the line me as a compulsive gambler learned to deal with my situations/problems by gambling excessively which is not the way to face life.

I know everyone is different and I can only speak for myself. Some where along the way to adulthood gambling took hold of my psyche and wouldn't let go until I found a Program which has showed me to let go. This program is the Gamblers Anonymous Program of Recovery. I am learning the proper responses to life which do NOT include gambling. Sure for some people gambling is a means of recreation and fun but not for me. Fun in gambling stopped a very long time ago and it took me a very very long time to realize there was no fun involved in any of the process.

I was reading an article in Time Magazine titled; "Happiness Isn't Normal". This article was about a new form of psychology called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) which is being implemented by a widely renown psychologists named Steven Hayes. This is the third wave of treatment by psychologists; the first being Freudian or behavior therapy (everything has a meaning), the second being cognitive therapy (think Dr. Phil) which focuses on what needs to be changed. This third wave of treatment ACT accepts or embraces the negative factors hence the title of the article "Happiness Isn't Normal".

I can go on and on about this article but I wanted to tie this to what I have learned in the Gamblers Anonymous Program which has been around for almost 50 years well before this third wave called ACT. To me the Gamblers Anonymous Program teaches the elements of acceptance and commitment. I am a compulsive gambler and I accept the fact that I cannot gamble like normal people so I choose to NOT gamble. If I don't accept this fact like I didn't accept this fact for 20 plus years I am doomed to failure. If I do accept this fact I am on the road to a very positive recovery.

This may seem very simplistic and to me it really is simple once I fully surrendered my powerless to my Higher Power. However; it took a long time to come to this acceptance and the second part is making a commitment to a life without gambling. I have committed and will be committed to this life for my lifetime. I know it is a one day at a time Program and all I have is today which is why my commitment is for today. Today is everyday and that will never change. Today I woke up and committed myself to a positive purpose and that purpose just like it has been for the last 11 months and 11 days was to NOT gamble. Tomorrow which will be a today will have the same purpose.

The article in Time Magazine went on and on about the founder of the ACT movement and how this form of therapy has shown promise in treating all types of afflictions from drug addiction to depression. However; for me the one thing the ACT movement seems to miss is the group benefit of a 12 step program. This group benefit comes with so many perks and they are called MEMBERS. Each member in the GA Program is there to arrest their gambling problem and help others to do the same. I know I couldn't arrest my gambling problem on my own and needed help. I have found this help and with this help my life continues to get better and better as each today passes.

Learning is something I want to do every day and I continue to learn more and more about myself. As I learn more and more about myself I continue to get better and understand how pathetic my gambling addiction had become. I denied it for so long which lead to some horrible consequences; however; I am no longer in denial and I live life honestly, with an open-mind and I am willing to do anything to get better. Yes, I am so much more aware of myself today than I was one year ago. One year ago I was in a fog and this fog gets clearer and clearer each day as I apply the principles I have learned in the GA Program.

February 8, 2001

On February 8, 2001 my wife and I welcomed our second child Jonathan into the world at 10:00 pm Pacific Time in Las Vegas, Nevada. He weighed 8 pounds 9 ounces and was 21 inches long. My wife went into the hospital at 5:00 pm and five hours later we welcomed our blue-eyed son. It was a remarkable delivery because it was very different from our daughter three years earlier. (I will write more on her birth this coming Saturday my daughter's birthday.) The delivery was remarkable because my wife had Super Nurse. There is no other name for this lady because she was SUPER.

My wife had problems delivering my daughter three years earlier and this nurse knew what to do so she could avoid those problems. She had my wife sit on the bed in very interesting positions to induce the labor naturally. My wife did not need any of the inducing drugs that she had needed for my daughter because this Super Nurse knew her job. When I look back at that night I can't help but be amazed at this nurse because she was doing God's work. At the time I didn't look at this way but over the years this is how I believe it to be.

I have no idea if I had a bet going on that night or not; all I was concerned with was the health and welfare of my wife and new born son. I am sure I had some type of action going on the day before and most likely a few days after. I was able to go a few days without placing a wager but inevitably I returned with so much force it really was ridiculous. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter who covered an NBA or college basketball game five years ago but it matters that my wife brought our new born son into the world. Why I didn't know those things then may remain a mystery for my lifetime. However; the fact that I can say my gambling was beyond ridiculous is a very good sign and also the fact that now I have the tools to know the difference.

A quick aside; as we were driving to the GA meeting on Monday one of the long term members had said something. This member stated that when they were gambling they always knew they had a choice; however; once they stopped gambling they now know the right choice. The other long time member made a reply to this statement; when they were gambling they didn't realize they had a choice and when they stopped they realized that they do have a choice and they have continued to make the right choice for the last 16 years which is to NOT gamble. I was thinking about these two statements and how it relates to me. For me I am somewhere in the middle and will try to explain. When I first started gambling I knew I had a choice; however; as I continued to gamble I didn't have a choice and did not know how to get help. Once I fully committed to getting help; I know I have a choice and I pray to God each and every day I make the right choice because making the wrong choice would be a deadly decision.

Back to my son's birthday. Today we celebrated his birthday in a local park with some of our friends. It was a great day and the weather which has been unseasonably warm even for Southern California cooperated with a temperature of 86 degrees with 8 percent humidity. Yes, it is the middle of winter and even by Southern California standards this is very warm. There were 13 children and 7 adults. The children had a great time decorating their own cupcakes, hitting the pinata and playing in the park. It was a great afternoon. I know in a previous life I would have gone to the party for about an hour but would have had a plethora of things on my mind. Today was very different because I took it all in and it felt great.

Also; as I was watching the children play at the park I got to thinking that five years ago when my son was born we didn't know any of those people at the party today. Each one of the people know my current situation but have not abandoned our family. There are some truly remarkable people in the world and I am truly blessed to be surrounded by so many of them. It would have been easy for someone to pass judgment on me and my wife; however; none of these people have done this and in fact there has been nothing but words of encouragement. I know where ever the next five years takes my family and me I will still be touched by these incredible people.

As I tucked my son into bed this evening it didn't matter to him how simple his birthday was. What matter to him; was that we were all there together. I know I will miss a few birthdays in the coming years due to my situation but I do know even in prison I will still have contact with my family because they are the most important factor in my life. I know to cherish the now and today was a fabulous day with fantastic people.

What Happened?

Yes, today was a court day and these days are winding down to a close. I have made an arrangement with my attorney so he can call me to come down to the courthouse when my case is called because it is so close. Otherwise I would be waiting for hours down at the courthouse with nothing to do. We have had this arrangement for sometime and today was the first I didn't have to come in the morning.

I received a phone call from my attorney's secretary and she told me to come to the courthouse at 1:30 this afternoon. My wife and I went down to the courthouse at this time but for some reason the Assistant District Attorney was not in the courtroom. This is very unusual because he is ALWAYS in the courtroom waiting for my case to be called. The ADA finally made it to the courtroom at 2:00 and my attorney put my case on the docket. At about 2:30 the Judge called for a break and seemed to leave the courtroom abruptly and I was the next case to be called. At 3:00 another Judge entered the courtroom and instantaneously I knew nothing was going to happen today because this Judge had no idea what was happening in my case.

I was supposed to hear the Judge's decision as to how my house is going to be sold but this will have to wait for another two weeks. Also; by law I can ask for sentencing at anytime because of my guilty plea last week and the substitute Judge had asked me if I wanted sentencing now. I want this to be over so I can start serving whatever time the Judge deems necessary so I can be back in my family's life sooner as opposed to later. However; asking this substitute Judge to render a sentence on me based on a file sitting in front of her would have been a huge risk so I respectfully waived my right for sentencing today. I can ask for sentencing in two weeks but my attorney is not prepared; it will happen sometime in late March.

I did find out that once sentencing is announced I will be taken directly into custody. Which was somewhat of a surprise to me because as I have sat in the courtroom for the past year and had seen a few sentences rendered I did not see one person get taken into custody right away. All of these people were given at last a week and one was given a month to get their affairs in order before they were to report to the detention facility. However; my attorney advised me that I would be taken into custody right away. I don't know why my case would be special since the Judge did state on record that I am NOT a flight risk nor a danger to the community. At least I know what to expect so I will be mentally prepared.

The night before my sentencing I will tell my children and I am most concerned with how my daughter will take the news. My son who is turns 5 tomorrow really won't understand and I am sure he will miss me but he will be fine. My daughter who will turn 8 on Saturday will have a great many questions and I have what I would like to tell her already formulated in my head. The time that I will be sentenced to prison will go by no matter what and of course I am so sorry to have done this to my family but I cannot change the past I can only deal with today. When the time comes to tell my children I know I will be extremely sad as I am now when I think about it and I am sure my daughter will be sad as well but I am not going away forever and I will be back. When I do get out I will continue to be a part of my family's lives for a very long time and I will be a better person for it.

Even though I am no longer a Secretary in the Gamblers Anonymous meeting I attended the monthly business meeting of the Program as a favor to two of our Secretaries. These two people couldn't make it and I took their place. I am so honored to be a part of such a phenomenal Program and tonight may have been my last business meeting in GA for the near future but I know I will be back in some capacity or another. Even if it is with another GA Group I intend to be a part of this Program for my lifetime because it has given me back my life. I know it is a one day at time Program and I should not project; however; this Program has given me the strength and hope to deal with my compulsive gambling addiction, I can't envision my life without it. I have met so many warm, kind, loving and truly incredible people through this Program and my life is so much better because of it.

One part of the meeting we discuss any upcoming birthdays and as my sponsor went down the list we came across my birthday. Yes, it will be one year February 28th and I will have the honor and the privilege to celebrate this one year milestone with two other people in the Program who are dear friends on March 18th. These two other friends will also be celebrating their one year birthday. This will be a very special celebration because in the one year I have been in the Program our group has never celebrated three people at the same time. I am so very proud to be in the company of my two friends and it should be a very special day.