Healing

I received a comment to one of the postings I did last week regarding my previous job. Here is the comment posted by Anonymous; "Whether you think so or not, there are people at your previous job that miss talking to you also. " Also there was another comment posted by Shannon in reference to this comment"Why don't these anonymous people talk to you? There are cell phones, home-phones, e-mail. I can't understand why there is no interaction going on. What is the real reason why people are not talking? Paul did a terrible thing, but isn't he the same person with the same kind traits and the same caring personality that you all know? He didn't do any of this to hurt anyone. He was too immersed, too involved with his problem. Is he the type of person who would intentionally hurt anyone? I can't imagine that and I have not seen this in this individual. Can you honestly agree that he is an incredible and sincere listener with non-judgmental skills? I am excited to find out someone is actually reading these blogs!!! Awe, this is not true I know some people do read these postings but I am very happy to see comments being made.

In reference to the first comment; it is so nice to hear people at my previous job DO miss talking to me as I certainly miss interacting with them. I had a good thing in my previous job and I took it for granted. I can honestly say the people I worked with were wonderful in every sense. They were diligent hard working and fun to be around. My motto was treat people like adults and they will act like adults. Unfortunately, this didn't work on me but it certainly worked on the individuals I worked with. They were adults and did a remarkable job. So to see someone posting a comment stating they DO miss me helps my healing process. I am not a terrible person, yes, I did a terrible thing but this is not a reflection of the people I worked with and it is NOT a reflection of my true character. I am finally getting in touch with my true character and I like the results.

As for the second comment; I think people are still afraid of repercussions when they contact me so the contact is done anonymously in this forum. Yes, there is still a legal case pending and I don't know if the conspiracy theorists are still at it but it is better to be safe than sorry when corresponding with me. Also; my previous employer gave strict instructions to my previous co-workers to NOT contact me. I have had contact with a few via telephone and email and some through third parties but most are afraid they will lose their jobs.

Also, I am certainly NOT someone who would INTENTIONALLY hurt anyone and I hope my previous co-workers would agree with this statement. Compulsive gambling is a disease and it is a progressive disease which makes some people do DUMB things and I did some DUMB things. Additionally; as for the last statement/question regarding my listening skills and being non-judgmental; I wouldn't say I have incredible listening skills because I am working on being more humble. I would say my listening skills are above average because why would most everyone at my previous employer come to me when they had a problem and would not seek out anyone else? I know the answer to this and I think my previous co-workers know the answer to this as well. Yes, I always listened even though I had a demon living in my head I always listened and tried to solve the problem. One of my main problems was I didn't listen to myself, I completely fooled myself into thinking I didn't have a problem. Now I understand one of my many character defects which is to be honest with myself. The second part of the last comment regarding me being non-judgmental; I have been somewhat non-judgmental in the past and now I certainly do not pass judgment on anyone. I have no right passing judgment on anyone; I am still trying to completely understand myself. How can I take personal inventory on others when my own "house" is so screwed up?? Even before I came to the realization I was fooling myself I would always lend my ear to listen and not pass judgment on others this hasn't changed it has actually gotten better thanks to my family, the grace of God and Gamblers Anonymous.

It Works

Gamblers Anonymous is certainly working for me. I was told by a long time member the program works 100% of the time and he is right. Gamblers Anonymous is founded on the principle of abstain from gambling no matter the circumstance. Sounds fairly simple but for some members and for me prior to coming to GA it is a life long struggle. I know no good will come of anything if I gamble and I will lose everything. This includes my family and most likely my life. Why would I risk it all on placing a bet right now I will not (today). However; under the right set of circumstances and without thinking of the consequences (losing my family and my life) I could place a bet. This is where Gamblers Anonymous comes in very handy. It is providing me the tools to be aware of these mental blank spots and GA also offers fringe benefits.

These fringe benefits are the members. There are some wonderful people in GA and in my area we have some very special people all with the same goal to help people stop gambling and live a life with a sense of purpose. I had the honor of being the Secretary at today's meeting and my heart is full. Everyone has a different story but the end result is always the same; gambling took over our lives. Some members are very fortunate to realize the problem before their lives got totally out of control. Other members such as myself faced years of denial where I thought I could gamble like everyone else and it took over my sense of being.

I learned what denial stands for Don't Even Know I Am Lying. I was in some serious denial for so many years. I didn't find Gamblers Anonymous until I wanted to find them. I didn't go begrudgingly; I went because I wanted to go not many members can say this. I need this program because it provides me with the sense of purpose that has been lacking for so long in my life. My fellow members are so inspiring and my sponsor is a special person. We are not bad people and no one should say we are weak nor should they feel sorry for us. We are normal everyday people that have an addiction to gambling and are seeking help with this problem. The program works only if you I work it and I am working it and I intend to work it one day at a time.

Easy?

Today was an odd day. My wife and children went to the beach with friends and I was able to play free (no cost) golf today with a dear friend. I say it was odd because I have played a great deal of free golf since moving to California and most of the time I was the one to set up the free golf. Today was different; my dear friend has a neighbor and his family owns a golf course. It was interesting because we played as a five some (meaning five people played on a hole). Normally courses only allow up to four people playing on a hole; however; because he was part of the ownership the course let him play as a five some. (I am sure this is so very interesting for no one but maybe I will make a point somewhere!) The other four members were all neighbors and I was the only that wasn't. I really felt like the odd man out. My friend who has a wonderful soul made me feel comfortable and after all how bad can it be playing free golf in Southern California so I am not looking for any sympathy I am just stating how I felt.

I think I was going into self-pity mode because I had remembrances of how it used to be when I played golf with my work colleagues. In addition tomorrow is a different neighbor's golf tournament that I have played in the last three years but not tomorrow. In fact last year my Dad and two former work colleagues and I played and we won. It was the first time I had been part of the winning team in a golf tournament and it was fun. We had a great time and today I was thinking about how much has changed in one year. Yes, it is MY FAULT but I am human and have human feelings so sometimes it is difficult. I will state this again I am using this medium to convey my emotions and it helps me so very much. I had a few good days this week and had been empowered by certain events but like the roller coaster there are ups and there are downs. Today even though it was a good day I was feeling a bit down.

I know I shouldn't feel down because I have so many positive influences in my life and I am so grateful for everyone of them. When I get the whoa is me attitude I think about the smiles on my daughter and son which brings me back to center. It is so important I try and stay centered each day because this centering process has been missing in my life for such a long period of time. My wife, children and certain other people keep bringing me back to center and I must continue this thought process or the off-center life begins to rule my thought patterns. This off-center thinking will undermine all the good I have done in the past five months and hinder my recovery. Summing up today; it was a very good day, I had some not so good thoughts but I remembered the most important things in my life which overruled the not so good thoughts. I hope this makes sense?

Another Day

Today was a court date and as I mentioned yesterday I knew what was going to happen before it all happened so for the first time I had no butterflies in my stomach. I don't think this is entirely true the butterflies were smaller than usual. I went to court by myself because there was no need for my wife to attend which would mean we have to have someone watch the children. It was easier I went by myself but it felt very different even though I knew what was going to happen. I met with my attorney's friend (I don't think it is fair to call him an associate because they work alone, I will stick with friend) and he reiterated what my attorney had told me yesterday. I did ask him about the one issue and he said he would talk to the DDA about this issue. He came back and told me he spoke with the DDA and he is aware of the pool company has NOT been paid. (I will refrain from any sarcastic comments but it is very difficult.) The DDA did say the pool company will be paid but did not say when. I was very fortunate because my case was second on the calendar (legal jargon!) and I was in and out within an hour. This was a record even for a continuance. My attorney's friend did raise the question about the pool company so it was a matter of record but again no one stipulated when the pool company will be paid. I feel bad for the pool company because they are an innocent third party along with everyone else (with the exception of me) because they are also at the mercy of the DDA.

Additionally, our buyer for the house is such a patient man because I signed a contract with him over 7 weeks ago and we are still waiting for the court's approval. I spoke with the buyer today and he is extremely understanding, I only hope we get the approval next week. Yes, I am due to go back next Thursday and hopefully something will get done because the DDA goes on vacation for a month (now that is a good job!). The way I understand it is no other DDA can stand in for this DDA until he gets back from vacation so no decisions can be made. Now I understand why there is such a back log in our criminal justice system. I know this country was founded on freedoms and the constitution but someone needs to really look at our criminal justice system and perform an analysis on how to make it better. I certainly have no answers but there has to be a better way to process cases more efficiently. California does have a law stating the defendant has a right to a speedy preliminary trial within 15 court days of their arraignment and 30 court days for a regular trial from their arraignment. However; as my attorney has pointed out if the District Attorney's office is not ready to proceed with the case in the allotted time frame they drop the case and re-file at a later date. This means all of the prior events must happen again such as posting bail, arraignment, incarceration, etc.. It sort of defeats the purpose of the law. Oh well, I will keep saying my serenity prayer.

Finally, while I was waiting for my case to be called one of my attorney's other clients sat next to me and she had a very concerned look on her face. She asked me if I had the same attorney as her and if the attorney's friend was standing in for my case as well and I answered yes to both questions. I asked her if the attorney was asking for a continuance and she said yes and I told her this is very normal because it was my 10th time dealing with the same matters. Her eyes grew bigger and she looked at me as if I were crazy and I said yes, my 10th time so don't get upset over anything right now because nothing is going to happen. I am not sure if I made her feel any better.

Another happy birthday, to my brother-in-law John, I hope you had a great day. One quick note; I have two sisters and never had a brother; however; I have been blessed with four wonderful brother-in-laws. Each one is different in their own way but all of them have outstanding characteristics; I am truly blessed.

Slow Learner

Tomorrow is a court session and I already know what is going to happen; yes, you guess it postponement. My attorney has a trial tomorrow so we need to reschedule my court date to next week. Tomorrow would be the tenth time I have been to court regarding the same matters, yikes; justice is certainly not swift. I have to appear in court tomorrow even though we are postponing the matter to next week because it is required or I will be thrown back in prison. My attorney cannot make my appearance so he asked a friend of his (another attorney) to stand in to ask for the postponement; it is just a formality and should be granted. I have met his friend before so at least I am comfortable with this attorney even though it is just a matter of procedure. We do have one item we need to ask for and my attorney has instructed his friend to make the motion because this matter has gone on too long. I am not going into the matter because it is very frustrating and I am sure I will write something I will regret. I will post the outcome tomorrow.

The title of this passage is Slow Learner because this is what I am. A few of you know me very well and what I am about to write will come as no surprise but it really just hit me a few minutes ago. In Gamblers Anonymous they tell new members to replace their gambling with some other hobby and I will take it a step further make the hobby constructive. We rather me as compulsive gamblers spend so much time plotting, planning and doing the actual gambling when we stop their is a void that needs to be filled. I am no different and needed to find a constructive hobby to fill in the void and obviously this blog is filling the void along with me attending 3 or 4 GA meetings a week and along with my online compulsive gambler group and a few other things. I didn't realize this blog is really part of the reason I have no urge to gamble. I know a few of you out there are going man are you dumb and yes, but I prefer to call it learning slowly. I know my mother responded to my urge blog the other week with; you are so busy with all your other addictions you don't even time to think about gambling and of course she was right. I didn't fully realize how all my other activities have taken over my gambling addiction.

When I was gambling (sports betting) I would put the children to bed and stay on the computer for an hour watching the scores or making more bets for the second halves of the late games. Now I put the children to bed and check my email and write this blog. This is so much more constructive and hopefully my addiction to this blog doesn't lead into pitiful incomprehensible demoralization (GA term)!! My younger sister put it very nicely during her visit last week when she told me; "you really need to just let go of your compulsions every now and then it is good for more balance in your life". This is so very true; I have been out of balance for such a long time and I suspect it will take some time to regain any sense of balance. Like I said I am a slow learner but I am sure I will have some revelation regarding balance in my life but living one day at time helps me understand myself more and more.

There were two other times in my life when I created a journal of daily activities and both times I was not gambling. The first time was when I first moved out to Las Vegas, I was very bored at my job and journaled my daily events. Unfortunately my boss found out about my journal and made me stop because I was doing it on company time. She had every right to make me stop because I had no right doing this during work hours. The other time was when my daughter was born. I created an email journal to my mother regarding my daughter's first year and I did this because I was bored at work (different job) and wanted to document my daughter's first year. Hmmm maybe I am on to something and I will save this for another time. Both times I stopped journaling and started to gamble without any remembrance of what happened before in my life. I guess I really need this journal and the other things in my life to recover and live a normal happy purposeful life.

Happy birthday to Grandma also known as GG, have a wonderful 83rd!!!!

Odd

Maybe someone did not want me to post this evening because it has taken me 5 tries to access this website. I kept getting booted out with an Internet Explorer error; very odd because this has never happened. I did what all the IT solutions people tell their users to do; I rebooted and it worked. The definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result each time I guess it doesn't apply to computers!! I can do the same thing over and over again on a computer and get different results most times and when in doubt reboot!! So much for my computer expertise or shall I say lack of expertise!!!

Today I sent off pictures of myself to the producer of the Al Roker Show so he can chronicle my gambling career with a face. I went through many pictures and picked out the ones when I was 10, 12, 18, 23, 27, 32 and 35 years of age. Technically; my gambling career started when I was 10 trading and betting baseball cards. I didn't think of it as betting when I was 10 years old but that is what it was. I can't recall the actual game but each person (2 person match) would have 20 or 40 baseball cards and we wouldn't stop until one of the people lost all their baseball cards. It had something to do with teams and colors; some teams won over others and the same worked for the colors. I do remember winning and then losing most of my baseball cards in a single day. This pretty much sums up my gambling career; win early and lose often.

As I was going through the pictures and seeing my children and how they have grown over their short life span was nothing short of amazing. My daughter has turned into a little lady in seven and a half years and my son has turned into quite the little boy from his well rounded baby years. Even my niece and nephew who are 14 and 12 respectively and seeing their pictures as they have grown through the years is also nothing short of amazing. How I could have taken all of this for granted who really knows but I do know I will not take it for granted now because life moves too quickly.

Looking at my pictures through the years was bitter sweet. All mothers and fathers have high aspirations for their children and mine were no exception. So when your son tells you about his misdeeds at a time in his life you thought couldn't be any better it is naturally disappointing. I am sure my mother and father will never forget the day I told them about my misdeeds as I will never forgot how I got to that point. Life moves on with or without me this is a natural fact. I choose to finally participate in life and be a positive influence to anyone that comes into my life. Life is too short for what ifs and could haves and should haves; the past must be remembered but not relived. I have been given a new birth and I will take full advantage of this as I live with positive energies. I will say it again; what happened to me happened for a reason and I know as long as I don't gamble and have the love of my family life is so much better. Life is so much better because I am no longer just a spectator I am a participant and it feels so good.

Negativity

Why do we as a society give negativity the time of day? Are we conditioned to seek out the negative side of the issue? If there are 100 people in an audience of a play and 99 of them loved the production yet one did not; do we focus on the one or the ninety-nine? Why does all headline news seem to be negative? In fact of a 35 minute news broadcast at least 90% is negative and the rest is sports and weather. I don't have the answers for these questions I can only express my opinion.

From birth most of us have been conditioned with negativity; such as "don't touch that", "don't eat that", "don't go there", "I don't like your friends", "why can't you be more like your sibling", etc.. Again this is my opinion and not necessarily what has happened in my life. My parents were more positive than negative and I try to be this way with my children. We (the collective we!) get used to negative issues and let's face it negative news sells. Who wants to hear about the aid workers in Africa helping the starving children when we can focus on whether or not Michael Jackson molested those little boys. Who wants to know about the social workers in the United States barely making ends meet that are helping so many less fortunate people when we can focus on whether Brad left Jennifer for Angelina. I don't know why we are like this but this seems like a very normal practice.

Early on in my recovery I was told by a very good friend don't let the negative people get to you because they will bring you down. This statement is so very true; I have so much to be thankful for in this world and I won't let those negative people get to me. I say screw them (actually I was thinking of another word but I don't want profanity in my blog so I will stay with screw!!) they will not get to me. I have so many positive influences in my life each and every day it feels so good. I know what I have done is wrong and I will suffer the consequences; however; I know I am headed in the right direction and I will try to instill positive energies in everything I do.

I had a wonderful day; I spent the entire day with my family and friends of ours. Life is worth living and it is worth living with a positive purpose. I intend to keep living one positive day at a time.

Reflections

Where would I be without the support and companionship of my wife? I really don't want to answer this question because there are no positive answers to be found. I have put her through so much yet she has been a pillar of strength. She has always been a good person and like so many other things in my life I took this for granted. I have stopped taking things for granted and started to appreciate what I have in life not what I think I should have. This was always a problem for me; I thought I should have certain things and didn't realize what I had. I have a magnificent family and I almost threw it all away on nothing. Nothing in life is as important as my family unfortunately I did not realize this when I was in the midst of my bad deeds.

There was always a small part of me that had some clarity amongst the insanity. However; this clarity was over powered by my addiction to gambling. I have a hard time understanding this but this is what happened to me. I was so driven by my addiction all other things took a back seat so I could continue my fantasy life. (I am sorry if I am starting to sound repetitive in these posts but there is so much inside me I need to get out and this medium helps me immensely.) This fantasy life almost destroyed my reality. I say almost because the people that matter most to me are still around and this keeps me going each day.

My wife had every right to pack up the kids and say goodbye but she hasn't done this and there may be very few people in this world that would have stayed by me. My wife is a saint and my children give me the strength and hope to persevere. I had a good friend who always said; endeavor to persevere. I really had no idea what this meant but I knew my friend's personality very well who was a very honest, good natured and amazing person. I would also categorized him as a "stand up" guy. He is the reason I moved to Southern California and he is also one of the many people I have let down. Getting back to his saying; endeavor to persevere; keep going in the "proper" direction no matter the obstacles in front of you. I will endeavor to persevere and make myself proud. I have to do the right things for myself and in return I will do the right things for my family.

I have to immerse myself in reality and stop falling back to the fantasy world of the past few years. It is odd how some things start out very small and before you know it snowball into an out of control situation. I must cherish and appreciate each and every day and stop wandering "what if" because there are no magic erasers that will change the past only I have the power to change today and I will.

Self Trust

First let me apologize for the typos in yesterday's blog. I usually proofread and spell check; however; for some reason Wonka came out as Wong and Depp came out as deaf. I don't recall seeing these written this way last night but I guess maybe the spell check changed these words. Oh well, so sorry for the typos.

I read something the other day and wanted to pass it on; self-trust requires self-knowledge, which in turn requires curiosity about oneself, stated differently, the key to building self trust is the ability to utilize one's own experience including one's mistakes, to change. The last part goes back to what I wrote yesterday, learning by my mistakes and not living by my mistakes. I always thought I had myself figured out and I couldn't be more wrong. I have taken unnecessary risks because I thought I was invincible. I got sucked into a dream world because of personal envy.

One of the articles written about my misdeeds referred to me as an officer of the company. I never thought of myself as an officer. This is one of the areas I need a great deal of help. I guess it is a self-esteem issue and an arrogance issue at the same time. I always thought of myself as a regular person but I would take unnecessary chances because of my arrogance. I am not sure if this is making much sense so please bear with me. I never expected to be treated any different because of my position yet I expected preferential treatment because of my position. Yes, I know this is a contrary statement but I was having an inner battle with myself. The two brains I possess were battling one another. The "normal" brain would be well normal and the "risk" brain would be well risky. There are some risks in this world that should be taken and there are some risks that shouldn't be taken. My inability to control my gambling led me to believe I could take risks for more of a high and I took those risks without the thought of the consequences.

None of what I am writing makes what I did right and it never will. I am trying to piece together how I could get to where I got to so I don't have to go back there again. Yes, I feel awful about what I have done and the people I have affected. If I don't deal with the mistakes of my past I destined to make those mistakes again and I certainly do not want this to happen. I need to really look inside me and keep my second brain from ruling my life.

Today I spoke with a dear friend. It was the first time we spoke since it all happened. He is a wonderful person and made me realize I have some truly amazing people in my life. I don't know how people can go through certain situations on their own. I have a such a deep loving network of caring wonderful people that are helping me get through this awful situation and I would be lost without everyone. I am not an awful person; I am a good person that did an awful thing. If I were an awful person I wouldn't have all these wonderful people caring and helping me through this difficult time. I love each and everyone of them and I thank all of you for your amazing support.

Finally, I want to wish a happy 40th birthday to one of my friends. Happy birthday Steve and many many more!!!

Self Study

I was told earlier there was a "new" sense of sadness in my blog regarding yesterday's entry. This was not my intention and I understand there are levels of sadness just as there are levels of happiness. In regards to yesterday's entry I needed to state what I was feeling and if it came out as sadness then that is what it is. Yes, I am sad about the position I put myself, my family and my co-workers in and yes, I cannot change anything in the past. I need to come to terms with my past and learn from those mistakes so not to repeat those mistakes. As some wonderful person said; learn from your mistakes don't live by your mistakes. I have been living with my mistakes for a number of years. There were levels of mistakes I made over the years; however; this past mistake makes those other ones minuscule. I guess I am not that bright because all of the signs were there and I ignored them until the final straw.

When I was still in denial and still thinking I could get away with anything I had a very wise person give me some advice, he told me; Paul we cannot change history and get yourself a good attorney. It was at this moment I finally realized what I had done and there would be no more lies. I could have carried on the charade but it wouldn't change what I did and I needed help. I thought I had a few more days to contact a lawyer but I was wrong. I contacted my attorney the day "it" happened and I picked my attorney based on his picture in the yellow pages!! I had no idea what was going to happen next and I entrusted my future based on a picture in the yellow pages. Actually, my wife and I agreed on the attorney based on his yellow page advertisement. As it turns out he has a very good standing in the community and by happenstance had a very similar case. In the beginning I did not have much faith in my attorney but given the situation he had to work with he has done a very good job. I guess the jury (pun intended) is still out to see how good he really is when the sentencing comes but I feel very comfortable with him.

Enough of waxing nostalgic. Today my wife and I decided to splurge and take the children to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory or Willie Wonka II. I know I wrote a piece on how they shouldn't do remakes of "classic" films and Willie Wonka was one of them. Well, I was wrong Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was a very good movie. I wouldn't say it was better than the original but it was very good in a different sense. The story line was very similar; however; the moral was different. I was expecting a very "dark" movie because the director Tim Burton is known for dark movies; however; it was not dark in any sense. Also; Johnny deaf is a fantastic actor, he did a wonderful job portraying Willie Wonka. Gene Wilder did a remarkable job playing the first Willie Wonka but Johnny Depp was on par with Gene Wilder's character. Johnny Depp plays some unconventional roles and he always does a great job. He has come a long way from my younger sister's favorite television show, Twenty-one Jump Street!!! I would recommend Charlie and the Chocolate Factory it has something for everyone, you shouldn't be disappointed.

Previous Job

Since I am still stuck in limbo I will speak about my previous job and the people there I have affected. First I need to apologize again to the people I worked with and for. I didn't have any intention of harming anyone and I am sure I have caused some uncomfortable times for many people in the past 4 1/2 months. I have only spoken to a few of my co-workers since "the day" but I have an indication of what has happened since I left. I was speaking to someone a week ago who went through a similar situation and one of their regrets was not being able to say goodbye to their co-workers. I too have the same regret. I worked with some very special people and I was always cherish this time.

I miss Cathy, Lisa, Jeannie, Ryan, Peg, Mike G., Carla, Jodi, Tina, Stacie, Joy, Trish, Rosita, Angela, Rudy, Tom, Joel, Denis, Vicki, Rod, Jean, Christina and a whole host of others. I had six women reporting to me maybe this is why I escaped into the dream world of compulsive gambling?? No, they certainly had there moments but I was fully entranced into the compulsive gambling well before these people came into my life. I am so very sorry for my actions and yes, they were my actions. I hope my actions do not minimize what a great job everyone one of you did while I was there and will continue to do. I did bad things but they are not a reflection on any one of you. I am so sorry I didn't have the chance to say goodbye and I wish each and every one of you the best.

It has been brought to my attention that some of my decisions may have been influenced by my misdeeds. I have thought long and hard about this and it is simply not true. I promoted people based on their skill set and willingness to get the job done. I made some bad decisions like everyone does and I made some good decisions. I miss the interaction with everyone and I know it will be a long time before I have this type of interaction again but I am doing everything in my power to keep my demons arrested.

There were certain aspects of my job that were good and certain ones that were bad. I actually liked dealing with the people the best. This may sound odd coming from an accountant but I really liked the people aspect of the job. I had people come directly to me because no one else would listen and I would always listen and hopefully help them. I miss the interaction I had with my vendors. I cultivated some very good relationships with my vendors but for the most part I obliterated them with my actions. I don't blame anyone from running away from me because an association with me could be a career ender. I had some good times with these vendors and we had a mutual relationship; I treated them well and they treated me well. Unfortunately, my second brain took over my actions and ruined everything.

I achieved what I set out for 12 years ago when I moved to Las Vegas but I sabotaged this happiness. I could not stand success; I had to have more and be a "big shot". Life is not about being a big shot life is about purpose, honesty, and being a good role model for my children. I did not achieve any of those things and each day I try live with a purpose, have honesty and be the best father I can be to my children. Yes, I have an addiction and it ruled me for a number of years. Yes, this is the first time I have finally admitted I have a problem and cannot do this on my own. Yes, it took a catastrophic event for me to realize I have this problem because I denied it for years. Yes, I am in a whole lot of trouble because of my actions . Yes, I took many many things for granted. Finally, I need to let the past rest and focus on today. If I focus on today at least I know today will be filled with purpose, honesty and the proper example for my children.

Good News?

I must put a disclaimer on this passage much like a stock broker puts a disclaimer on their particular investment advice; past performance is not indicative of future performance so please use the information wisely. I just had a thought, I have never seen this disclaimer in a racing form or sports betting advisor but it is plastered over any investment advice I have received, sorry about the digression. My attorney's other embezzlement client who was sentenced to one year and would have to serve 7 months if he exhibited good behavior was let out of prison yesterday with time served. He served exactly 32 days of his one year sentence and as long as he obeys his probation order he will not go back to prison. The prison officials kicked him out because the prison is overcrowded and they wanted to ensure the "violent" criminals would stay in prison. Now, remember this is not indicative of future performance so who knows what will happen to me but our cases are very similar and it gives me hope.

Hoping and wishing won't change anything in my situation. I have to exhibit good behavior and keep on doing the things I have done for the past four and half months. Hoping and wishing are nice but they are not reality. Reality is doing the right things each and every day. I know with the strength my family has given me I will be the person I am destined to be not the fantasy I turned into.

I won't be doing the interview with Al Roker after all. I was tentatively scheduled to go to New York this weekend; however; the producer cancelled the trip because of Mr. Roker's schedule. I was disappointed because I really wanted to meet Al Roker he seems like such a good person. In reality (again!) the producer and I covered so much material when he was out here last month that we would have to recreate some of those questions with Al Roker. I have faith in the producer and hopefully the final cut will come out in a positive manner. That might sound strange because nothing I did was positive but the goal is to help myself and others with a compulsive gambling addiction. If one person views the show and seeks help at least I know some "good" came of my bad, I hope this makes sense?

Yesterday, during my Gamblers Anonymous meeting I spoke about urges because one of the two questions my sister ask me during her visit was about urges. My response to my sister and to my GA group was the same; my urges were knocked out of me some 4 1/2 months ago. I am sure the urges are lying dormant and when life gets back to "normal" (whatever that is??) those urges will reveal themselves. I am trying my best to maintain an arsenal to fight those urges so I don't end up with the third option in Gamblers Anonymous which is dead. I must keep doing what I am doing and never ever forgot the hurt, pain and shame I have instilled in myself and my family because of my gambling addiction. I don't want to go back to those places and I will do everything in my power to fight this addiction and I will do it one day at a time.

Visitors

Our visitors from Colorado left this morning. It was a very enjoyable stay and having two children the ages of 3 and 1 are certainly a handful. My children are 7 and 4 years old and I can't remember back to those early days. I do remember my daughter's first night home from the hospital. She was up every hour on the hour for the first 8 hours. I thought my wife and I were certainly in for it but she finally slept for 2 and 1/2 hours after being up ALL night. Of course there was the 2:00 am feeding for both of my children but that didn't last very long. My wife and I were very fortunate with our children because our sleep deprivation in those early years was minimized.

My nephew (my younger sister's son) might be the happiest person on the face of the earth. However; last night he was far from happy at 12:30 am and again at 3:45 am. I think this is how he gets out of all his angst by letting out blood curdling cries and by the morning he is so very happy. He is 3 years old and has no cares in the world much like every other 3 year old; but he is a very special child. I have not met a child that speaks as much as he does; he is quite the character. He talks to anyone and everyone. I think my children were a little "afraid" of him because he has no fear and likes to get in your face. Not the BAD in your face, the loving in your face and my children don't do well with touchy feely from someone other than Mom or Dad. So they had some getting used to but they all had a great time.

My daughter has a flair for the dramatics. When our guests (it doesn't matter who the guests are) leave she always cries and says she misses them. She is so very cute and she really means it. She has two baby girl cousins and they have both visited in the past two weeks. When each one left she proclaimed I miss the baby. Sometimes her crying gets out of hand when she leaves her Grandmothers (both of them) and it is hard to console her. We try the preemptive method when the persons visiting are still here and explaining when we will see them again and how good it will be when we see them and for the most part it has sort of worked. She still cries because she has a pure soul and loves her family tremendously. The innocence in children is so pure and adorable it is ashame we lose it as adults. I guess life has a way of taking away innocence as we grow older but witnessing this from a child is priceless.

My innocence faded away sometime ago. Who knows when it actually went away but it did and I tried to hide away from the world. I hid for a number of years but I could only hide so long. I hid for a number of reasons and all of them make no sense. Thank God I was not hiding the day my daughter was born because I do remember her birth and having the doctor give her to my wife. In that instant my daughter was not crying she just opened her big blue eyes and looked around the hospital room. Our eyes meet for a brief second (which seemed like an eternity because it is forever etched in my mind) and my heart melted instantly and I found out the meaning of unconditional love. I can go off in another direction on the how could I or what was I thinking when I was gambling but I won't. I did those terrible things and will have to live with the consequences but I have the love of my wife and two children to carry me through each and every day no matter what happens.

Legoland

Today we went to Legoland with my sister and her wonderful family. The perk of having people visit us in Southern California is they want to see the attractions. Legoland is a perfect place for children under the age of 10. My family went with my sister's family and the four children ranged in age from 1 to 7. Another one of the perks in Southern California is the weather. Even though it was 100 degrees where we live when we drove the 50 miles to Legoland the temperature topped out at 72 degrees. It was a perfect theme park day; cloudy, overcast with a slight breeze. Southern California may have the must diverse weather areas in the country. Where else can you drive 50 miles and experience temperatures that are 28 degrees cooler than when you started out.

Enough about the weather; the children had a very fun day even though it was very exhausting on the parents. My sister (who is my younger sister) is so wise beyond her years. She is a wonderful mother, wife and sister; she is also a great role model. I cannot thank her enough for all that she has done for me and my family. She truly is a magnificent person. My sister and I are 4 years apart but somewhere in the past 20 plus years she has passed me in terms of intellect and wisdom. Most likely she has always surpassed me in these two areas but I was too arrogant to admit. Life is filled with shades of gray and sometimes things are not as they appear; however; when you are grounded (like my sister) it doesn't matter because most any situation can be dealt with.

I need to work on grounding myself. I think I can say without a doubt that I have never been grounded. I have always lived in a fantasy world. Life is not about fantasy it is about reality. Sometimes reality can be cruel and unkind but it is the only reality I have. As long as I continue working on grounding myself in reality the fantasy will pass. Fantasy is nice but it is unrealistic to live in one because I developed flawed expectations. My flawed expectations led to a multitude of problems and now my reality if filled with these problems. There is no doubt my reality will be hard to fathom if I look at in the big picture. I can only deal with my reality one day at time and I CANNOT live in a fantasy.

Normal

What is normal? Let's break out the old dictionary; normal as defined by Webster has different meanings. I will not go into all eight because some of them have to do with geometry and I always hated geometry (which is a story for another day). Here is a definition I can relate to: occurring naturally. Wow; to a compulsive gambler such as myself things that occur naturally to me certainly might NOT occur naturally to the rest of the world. In Gamblers Anonymous we talk about NOT being able to gamble NORMALLY ever again. Which means I must abstain from gambling. It also has another meaning to me; I do believe I have NEVER gambled normally (as it relates to the rest of the world). To me normally was ever day no matter what and the stakes kept getting higher and higher as time went by. Gambling (my drug of choice was sports betting) to me was always excessive but I didn't realize it until now.

When I was in the throws of my gambling I knew what I was doing was wrong but I couldn't stop it. I had to have it no matter what. I have written this before but I placed wagers everyday for 3 straight years, talk about a compulsion. I don't know if I was born with depleted neurons (or whatever they are called) in my brain but once I made my first bet these receptors seemed satisfied but it would only last a short period of time. Then the craving came back and as the years went on the craving became "normal" to me and it was an accepted practice.

This accepted practice led me to do some very unacceptable things. However; in my delusional mind these were not unacceptable behaviors because I thought of them as acceptable. This is so baffling to understand and when I see new people come into Gamblers Anonymous and tell their story I can so relate. Their stories may involve a casino or racetrack or even lottery tickets but the desire to make the next wager was just like my desire. Thank goodness most people don't go to the lengths I have gone to so they can satisfy their desire to make a wager. However; the need and drive is all the same. Some people get off the elevator before it gets to the unacceptable behavior, I unfortunately rode the elevator all the down.

Looking back I still cannot believe how stupid I was and I kept denying everything. I was possessed with a gambling demon. This gambling demon was arrested some four months ago and I am doing everything in my power to kept it arrested each and every day. Finally, what is normal? Normal is an acceptable behavior to society not the individual. If my "normal" infringed on society's rights I sincerely apologize and I am trying to become the proper normal person that will fit into society. I certainly did not set out to perform anti-social behaviors but my gambling and unacceptable behaviors led me down a self-destructive path. Thank God I have not totally self-destructed and there is hope.

Gambling History

I was asked by the producer of the Al Roker Investigates program which online sportsbooks I used. I put together this list of all the online sportsbooks that I have dealt over the past 8 years and I had no idea I dealt with so many. Fortunately, I have since deleted all of these bookmarks from my computer and couldn't remember many of them. I did remember the one I dealt with the most in the past 3 years but I had no idea there were at least 17 others that are still active and probably another 7 or 8 that have since gone out of business. Oh my how I was in the depths of such a progressive addiction and had no idea.

There were a few sportsbooks that I actually (for lack of a better term) "screwed over" with credit card chargebacks and other inaccurate claims so I could get my money back. I used to joke with my gambling buddy that we needed to keep a list of the sportsbooks we couldn't play at because it was getting longer and longer. Also; there were two sportsbooks that wouldn't let me play there because I won too much, go figure this one!!! These two sportsbooks are still in business and there are a few others that kicked me out because they couldn't pay me the full amount in a timely fashion. How stupid was I? Even if I did win at some of these online sportsbooks I wasn't going to get paid but I still continued to gamble. If this doesn't speak to the "it is NOT about the money" issue I don't know what does. I needed action and I had to have action and I would find it just like a junkie finds their next fix. Insanity run rampant!!

Also; there were companies to send money to these online sportsbooks via credit cards and checking accounts. I think I "screwed" all of them over as well. Towards the end of my gambling career the only way I could get money to the sportsbooks was through Western Union or Bank Wire. The Western Union method was a pain because it was always in cash. I was sending such high dollar amounts Western Union didn't allow credit card transactions this high to be sent to Third World countries. I would have to go to the bank withdraw cash then go to the Western Union office and wire the funds. When I lived in Las Vegas I was on a first name basis with the Western Union lady because it was a weekly event. This means I was constantly SENDING money and not receiving money, again how STUPID was I??? When I moved to Southern California I didn't like the fact that the Western Union people knew me so well in Las Vegas I devised a plan, I would do rounds of the Western Union offices in my area each week, it really was a pain in the neck but I would do it anyway. Finally (I got smart!!), I set-up bank wires to one particular sportsbook and I really didn't like going down to the bank to do this so I inquired on how to set-up an ongoing wire so I didn't have to come down to the bank. This was the end (thank God!!) because by setting up this type of transaction the bank had to perform a certain due diligence on my account and the end was finally here. The morale to all of this madness is I COULD NOT STOP until I was found out. I know this is so hard to imagine because most "normal" people would have not let it get this far and most normal people would have stop somewhere along the way. Well I am NOT normal, in case you haven't figured that out by now!!!

I would like to congratulate my father for getting his second hole in one yesterday. In fact it was the same hole he got his first hole in one at, way to go Dad, CONGRATULATIONS!!!

Retraction

I must apologize for yesterday's posting in regards to the Deputy District Attorney and the Judge. I did not mean any disrespect to either one I was just voicing my frustration which was wrong. The Deputy District Attorney has a job to do and how he goes about his duties are his business and I don't have a right to criticize because it was my bad behavior that has caused all of this. I certainly meant no disrespect to the Judge I was just trying to point out the overload of cases and he also has a job to do and my case will be heard in due time. Please accept my apologies.

My attorney, the Deputy District Attorney and two representatives of the pool company all met in my backyard this afternoon. The Deputy District Attorney told the representative from the pool company that he will be sending them a check for phase 3 and when phase 4 is complete the final check will also be sent. I must commend the DDA for his thoroughness because he asked questions to the pool representatives and felt satisfied the amount on the contract was the amount to be paid. Thank goodness, this part of the case has been resolved. Maybe my children will be able to swim in the pool after all.

My younger sister and her wonderful family will be visiting with us tomorrow through Tuesday. We haven't seen much of each other in the past year and I am looking forward to her visit. When my family comes to visit it is usually for a few days but when my wife's family comes to visit it is for a few weeks. My family has such a short attention span that we tend to wear out our welcome faster so the shorter visits work much better. Whereas my wife's family really enjoys spending time (not that my family doesn't enjoy spending time but it is of a shorter duration, I hope this doesn't get me into trouble?) with us (really the children and Monica but that is okay) and they don't seem to wear out their welcome so the longer stays work for them. I have a feeling these statements will get me into trouble but hey I need a diversion!!

Postponed

Yes, today was another never ending court date and yes, just like so many other dates it was postponed. I go back in two weeks. The reason for today's postponement was a new one; the judge was too busy to hear my case. I am not being flippant or sarcastic it is the truth. The judge told my attorney and the Deputy District Attorney he had to get through 150 scheduled cases today and he didn't have time to discuss my case because it would have thrown him off schedule. He asked (I don't think asking is an accurate depiction because after all he is the JUDGE!!) or rather told my attorney and the Deputy District Attorney to postpone my case until the 28th.

One hundred and fifty cases in one day seems like a lot of cases. The court opens at 8:30 am and the judge doesn't take his seat until 9:30 am, they break for lunch from 12:00 pm to 1:30 and they take two 20 minutes breaks in the morning and afternoon. The court session is scheduled to wrap up by 4:30 pm. Let's do some math; the morning session lasts 2 hours and 10 minutes and the afternoon session lasts; 2 hours and 40 minutes; for a total of 4 hours and 50 minutes of actual court time. This breaks down a little further to 290 minutes to hear 150 cases; that means the judge can only spend a little less than TWO MINUTES per case. Doesn't seem likely without any overtime incurred by the county and this is what the judge was trying to avoid. I guess it is good to be an attorney because there sure seems like there is enough work to go around especially in this county.

I was looking on-line at my case this morning before going to court and yes, by the way I MUST show up at each court appearance even though it is postponed because if I don't I can get thrown in jail (that is enough incentive for me!). Getting back to me looking at my case on-line this morning I noticed something had been filed yesterday regarding real property on my case. I asked my attorney who didn't know, then my attorney asked the Deputy District Attorney who didn't know then my attorney asked the judge who didn't know and then I went with my attorney to the court clerk's department and he asked the court clerk who didn't know. The legal system is fascinating especially in this the information age when I can find out about something before everyone that is "supposed" to find out. I will have to wait until next week to see what this document is but I have a good indication of what is already.

Tomorrow my attorney and the Deputy District Attorney are coming over to my house to inspect our pool. The Deputy District Attorney wants to ensure phase 3 of the pool is complete before he cuts a check to the pool company and the "only way" he can ensure the pool is "properly" completed is by an inspection by himself. It is nice to know the Deputy District Attorney can make time in his day and inspect my pool for the good of the people of California. I guess he is doing his job and yes, I know I caused this horrific mess and if anyone out there reading this is doing something "illegal" please stop because it is so NOT worth it. Sorry about the Public Service Announcement I couldn't help myself.

I was speaking with someone today regarding my situation and analogy came about; right now I am sinking not drowning but sinking and I am waiting for the Coast Guard ship that I can see on the horizon to save me but they haven't moved in four months and I am not sure they CAN see me. This wasn't the exact analogy but I hope everyone understands. I do feel terrible about what I have done and I am trying to get my life in order but my life is now stuck not in reverse but stuck. My attorney refers to it as "baby steps"; I refer to it as; the movement of snail on a wet beach with the wind in their face". One day at time and God please keep granting me that wonderful serenity!!!

Uneasy

I have been feeling very uneasy for the past few days and I need to share some of these feelings. It may seem like a pity party so please forgive me. I know I have to take things one day at a time and for the most part I am living this creed. I don't have any urges to gamble because I know where that would lead. I do; however; feel awful for what I have done to my family. Who knew when I placed my first "real" wager at Pocono Downs when I was 12 years old that it would lead to this and who knew when I was programming my father's horse predictor calculator when I was 13 years old it would lead to this. What is the saying; hindsight is 20/20? I can't change any of it, I can only try my best and live each day.

What bothers me most (and by the way tomorrow is a court day and I do get very apprehensive the day before court, please bear with me) it has been almost four months and I am no closer to any resolution than I was four months ago. I know it is a slow process and I cannot change anything about the whole process so I say the serenity prayer a great deal but if I said it didn't bother me I would be lying. Yes, it bothers me but I have to deal with it the best I can.

When my case first began my attorney told me the longer it goes the better it is for me. Now I think the Deputy District Attorney has this same plan but for a different reason. I think he wants my case to last as long as possible because he may be the only Deputy District Attorney that doesn't have a multiple case load. While I am waiting in the courtroom for the judge to call my case the Deputy District Attorney is reading the newspaper. I didn't realize some of the discovery items in my case where located in the newspaper (joke!!). I haven't seen any other Deputy District Attorney reading the newspaper and in fact all of the other DA's are carrying 5,6 sometimes 7 files at time but not the one handling my case. It seems he has my case only to care about.

Yes, what I did was WRONG and I am trying to do my best to mitigate some of the wrong. However; I firmly believe the Deputy District Attorney does not want me to mitigate anything. Why has it taken 4 months to move the frozen money into a trust account where it can earn interest for the victim? The only reason it has been moved into a trust account was based on MY suggestion. Sorry about the ranting but these things bother me and the only way I can get them out is in this forum. Maybe I shouldn't be talking so much about my case so I will stop now.

Today I had my third and I think final interview. The interview went well and they will be getting back to me by Monday. I didn't divulge my current situation because I knew what would have happened. They would have told me they can't do anything until the situation is resolved. I don't know what I will do if I get an offer but at some point I need to inform them of what is going on but I will wait until the appropriate time. The interview was very interesting because I met with the 4 top people of the company and the position I am interviewing for really doesn't interact with them at all. However; they wanted to ensure they were getting someone that fits into their corporate culture. Yes, I would fit in to their corporate culture and given the opportunity I would make an exemplary employee.

Tradition

Today is the Baseball All Star game in Detroit. For the past 28 years my father and I have had a long standing wager on this baseball game. I would take the National League and he would take the American League and the winner would receive $5. The first bet was wagered when I was 12 years old and the dollar amount has remained the same. However; there will be no bet made on tonight's game because I am a recovering compulsive gambler. Did placing a wager on the All Star game when I was 12 years old turn me into a problem gambler? Probably not, it seemed like harmless fun at the time. In fact most gambling at least for me when it first started seemed like harmless fun then it become fun with problems and then it became just problems.

In fact I had rules for myself when I first starting wagering on sports. One of my "rules" was to never bet on an All Star game or pre-season game for a significant amount of money. Now, $5 to me was never a significant amount of money in fact a "significant" amount of money kept getting larger and larger each year I continued to bet but this maybe a story for later on. I should have known when I started to break my own rules. About 3 years ago I started betting on All Star games and pre-season games regularly and for significant amounts of money (at least to me). The slippery slope had taken full shape for me and I was headed into crash.

My gambling friend and I would joke because the All Star break in baseball was one of the three days that you couldn't make a sports bet. It was always the day before and the day after the All Star game and Christmas Eve. A few years ago they started playing college and professional football games on Christmas Eve so we were down to 2 days a year without placing a wager on sports. Now baseball has the home run hitting contest the day before the All Star game and you can place wagers on this contest. (I don't remember placing a wager on this event but I could have!) So we are now down to one day without betting on sports and a few years ago the Women's National Basketball Association (WNBA) came into existence and they play their games in the summer time. The day after the Major League Baseball All-Star game the WNBA has games and yes, I have even placed wagers on these games and yes, I would consider these wagers for a significant amount of money because what is the use of betting a game that you can't get excited about, again it was all about the ACTION.

As you can see for me the wagering was year round and non-stop. I wasn't running off to the casino or racetrack but I was always near my computer or cell phone. At the time I thought I was having fun but looking back it just seems so ridiculous.

Adversity

Life is filled with adversity. Some people seem to have a great deal and others seemingly none. Let's face it everyone has some type of adversity in their lives or they wouldn't be human. It is to what degree the adversity is and how the person deals with it. Is it impossible to achieve total happiness? I once thought nothing was impossible but in the past few months I have learned it is IMPOSSIBLE for me to gamble like "normal" people and yes, I do believe it is IMPOSSIBLE to have total happiness. This goes back to the previous thought of adversity; everyone has adversity and during these times people are certainly not totally happy. With happiness comes sadness. It is in sadness that one can either dwell on it or move forward. I am choosing to move forward and live in happiness not sadness.

On the surface my life was pretty good before all of my troubles. However; deep down something was missing. Life is not about the big house, big bank account, multitudes of "friends" or important career. Life is about living in an honest open way and I haven't done this. I am starting to do this but sometimes it is difficult. Sometimes I feel it is much easier to lie than to tell the truth because I have conditioned myself to this. However; it is much easier to tell the truth because it is so much easier to remember! I don't have to worry about remembering my stories because now they are all the same, the truth.

Today our guests from the East Coast departed. They are a wonderful young family and have such love for each other and their beautiful baby girl. They are genuine people and hopefully their future will be filled with happiness. I have known my sister-in-law for a very long time. I still can't believe she has a baby girl. When I first met my wife her sister was 6 years old and now she is all grown up with a wonderful husband and daughter. Time certainly stands still for no one.

Life is filled with unexpected challenges and the mettle of a person is how they face these challenges. In my past I thought I had all the answers to the challenge and now I have found out I don't have any answers. I am just trying my best and I will continue to try my best each and everyday. As long as I keep trying and keep learning each day will be filled with wonderment.

Stress

Stress has certainly taken its toll on me. The past four months actually the past year has been extremely stressful. Yes, I do know I caused this stress on myself and it is all my fault. There is no but or however I caused this situation and now I am paying the consequences. It is strange how I have felt this stress in different situations most notably my exercising routine. Yesterday I ran for the first time in over a month because my knee was bothering me. I was feeling good so I decided to run 7 1/2 miles a very light pace; well; my legs haven't felt this sore since I ran my first marathon 3 years ago. I can usually cover 7 1/2 miles in a little under an hour yesterday I did in a little over an hour and my legs feel like they are old man legs (no offense to the old men in the audience). I know I have taken a month off from running but I have been cycling in the meantime and even that has become more difficult. I get tired a lot fast than previously and I know it has to do with my self inflicted stress I have put on myself and my family.

I was hoping to do three marathons this year. I was planning on running the Los Angeles Marathon in March (which was 5 days after "the" day), the San Diego Marathon in June and the New York Marathon in November. I obviously missed the L.A. and San Diego Marathons and the New York Marathon I had to get into a lottery to see if I would be eligible to run. I entered the lottery back in December (before everything was official) and last week I was notified I have been selected to run in the New York Marathon. I have very pressing matters to attend to before November so I will defer my entry to next year. Sometimes even the best laid plans go astray.

There are two things I enjoy (other than spending time with my wife and children) doing; running and playing golf. Both of these have been curtailed do to my "problems". Running is certainly less expensive than golf but I need to get my "old man" legs in shape to start to "enjoy" it more. In my previous position I rarely ever paid for golf and tried to play at least 3 or 4 times a month. I didn't like taking time away from my family but what I didn't realize I was doing this with my secret gambling life anyway. I think I tried to justify everything, if I don't play golf and spend time with my family I can surely place a few bets, very selfish thinking. There is no justification to make any sense out of what I have done to my family and myself. The focus is finding the true meaning and sense of purpose and this will NOT include justifications of any kind.

Zoo and other items

Yesterday our family went to the San Diego Zoo. I think it was the 5th or 6th time we have gone but it is a fascinating place. The children really enjoy going and it is a very relaxing place. There are no cages (per say); the animals are confined in other ways and it feels like a natural environment. The San Diego Zoo is known for the Pandas and this exhibit is the most crowded but we were in and out in 20 minutes. For some reason it never has felt crowded like a Disney World or other type of theme park; it was a good day. The children behaved as best as they could; we packed a lunch and the weather was wonderful, this is what the definition of a perfect day with the family would be. I remember going to the zoo on other occasions and I was always worried about getting my bets in but this was not the case yesterday. I wasn't worried about sneaking away so I could use my cell phone because that urge seems to have vanished (at least for now). I need not get complacent about the urges because I know they will come and I must be ready not to act on them or it will be the end.

I spoke about blame this morning at my GA meeting and I wanted to share some of my thoughts. The easiest thing I could have done was to blame everyone for my problem and it is the ultimate cop out. I do blame myself and solely myself for what happened. No I am not going into a diatribe with self-pity I want to state the facts. I have this disease/disorder/condition or whatever it is labeled and it caused so much damage in my life. However; I still have my family and I have my myself. Without this combination there certainly is no purpose in life or for life. I have written this before I will continue to write it again; my life has a purpose and I am worth something.

I do feel horrible for the way I mistreated just about everyone. I didn't mistreat people in a conscious way I mistreated people subconsciously. I didn't go absent for days on end, I never verbally abused anyone and for the most part my physical being was part of my family's life. What I didn't do was recognize my actions and how they were mistreating myself and my family. Taking things for granted, entitlement and maybe a bigger ego than I gave myself credit for lead me to the path of self destruction. Thank goodness it wasn't total self-destruction because I have one life to live and I will lead it the correct way.

My Mother sent me something via email the other evening and the writing really hit home. When I did the things I did I really had no thought of the severe consequences and the pain I was about to inflict on everyone. When my life came crashing down on that faithful March day my mother captured the words very well. I cannot forget that day because that day is my inspiration. I am not destined to repeat my mistakes of the past (I have already done this!), I am destined to be the genuine, kind, good natured person I have always aspired to be.

Learn is to Live

Today I had an interview for what I would define as a "real" job. It is a job that I am very qualified to do and I wouldn't have to give it up if "certain events happen" (hopefully). I wouldn't be directly responsible for money; in fact I would be responsible for ensuring the people responsible for money and finances were doing their job. This is something I have done in the past and most of my experience lies in this area. It is a little "funny" (maybe funny isn't the right word but I will go with it for now) how I had a great deal of independence and it was the first time I was directly responsible for the finances of the organization and it seemed to be my undoing. I have said this before what has happened to me HAD to happen or I would be lying in a ditch somewhere wondering (if possible?) where everything had gone wrong.

The other evening I was speaking with a friend of mine and we were talking about my situation. This person told me to be very careful when writing on this blog and when speaking in public. I completely understand this person's protectiveness; however; I have already outlined what I did and I am not hiding somewhere until this is all settled. I am not going into specifics in a public forum but I need to tell my story more for me more than anyone else. What I did was wrong and I am "trying" to make right my wrongs. I hope this make sense.

Some people believe I am doing this to get out of what I have done. This is wishful thinking on their part. The damage I incurred is done and I have to get on with my life in the proper path. I am trying everything necessary to do the right things so I can live a full life without this addiction. Please make no mistake that it is a daily struggle but those people today in London have it much worse than me and the children in Africa have it much worse than anyone of us. I certainly want to "get on" with my life but each day I learn something new. Like today did you know that G-8 stands for the Group of 8 nations and there are actually 9 nations in those 8? Confused? I was and still am!!!!

Personality Traits

Here is a very recent article which links the personality traits of problem gamblers to alcohol, marijuana, and nicotine addicts. Click here I am not sure where to start without being flippant but no kidding. I am not a psychologists nor did I major in psychology in college but isn't an addict an addict no matter the vice? It is nice to see more studies being done on problem gambling because the research in this area is woeful at best. I think I fit the model because I was very nervous as a child, I even developed an ulcer when I was 9 years old. I am not so sure about the other personality traits such as feeling victimized or mistreated, I always felt I was treated very well by my parents and society. I do have a certain sense of impulsively to go along with my compulsive nature. I seem to have always done things to an extreme especially my gambling.

I have never thought of myself as a big risk taker but I need to rethink this thought. I went to a college 3,000 miles away from my home without even looking at it. I subsequently returned home after the first semester because I was home sick but decided to give it another try the following semester but it didn't work out. I also convinced my wife to quit our jobs and move to Las Vegas without having a job there. Maybe I am a risk taker?? I certainly risked everything with my behavior over the past 20 years so I guess I am a risk taker.

I think it is odd how some people get hooked on certain addictions. I have never taken an illegal drug in my life maybe because I was afraid I would become addicted but I think the real reason is I don't want to put those type of things in my body. I can't seem to drink to excess because I always stop when I am feeling full which usually means 3 0r 4 beers. I did get sick a few times from drinking but I wouldn't consider it even borderline alcoholic. Interesting fact; I have gotten sick 3 times in my life from drinking and 2 of those 3 times occurred in the last 4 months of last year. I think it was part of my fantasy life or another unanswered cry for help. Oh by the way the other time I got sick from drinking was 16 years ago when I turned 23.

Today I spoke with someone I hadn't spoken to since my situation became "official". He is what I would consider a good friend. I think I now have five good friends that are not associated with my family. Considering the damage I have done I am certainly blessed. I spoke to him for an hour and it was as if we spoke yesterday, I think this should be in the definition of a good friend. He lives 3,000 miles away and I haven't seen him in 8 years but this doesn't matter. I know one day we will see each other and maybe even have our children play together. The last time I saw him I was the best man in his wedding, the one and only time I have been a best man. He is a good soul.

Character

Yesterday my daughter participated in a Fourth of July parade with her cheerleading troupe. The parade was very nice and my daughter was very excited to march in the parade. Typically, my wife and children are usually back East this time of year. Each summer they take a trip to visit family for a few weeks and usually spend the Fourth of July on the East Coast. This is the first time in a long time they have been here for the Fourth of July festivities.

My daughter was a little disappointed because we were not able to see any fireworks displays. She commented that it is much better in New Jersey because she got to see fireworks. We were sitting in the front of our house in hopes to see some fireworks and we were able to see some but they were too far away to really experience the fireworks show. My daughter then went inside to watch the Macy's Fireworks from New York City. She stated she wanted to go to New York and see the fireworks "in person" and I told her when she is 12 years old we can go which is in five years. Who knows what is going to happen in five years and she may be living on the East Coast before that time but she wasn't exactly impressed with my comment. I think she wanted me to say we can go there next year. Also, my little girl is really growing up. She is very intelligent and this intelligence is starting to show. I really don't have any specific examples to share but nothing seems to get by her unnoticed. I love her so very much and want to be a part of her life because she is an amazing person.

If you look to the top of the screen underneath the Compulsive Gambler title you will see the saying "It is better to build character than to be one". My mother sent me this statement and it is so very true. I always thought I had character but my countless vain attempts at gambling turned me into a character. I am slowly building my character up one day at a time. It is going to take time because I destroyed any character I had by my past deeds. Little by little I took my character and dismantled it. I spoke before about going to places I wouldn't even dream of because of my gambling and this means I have substantial character defects. I need to repair these character defects so I can live the life I want to live.

One of my character defects was taking things for granted. When you live in a fantasy life reality takes a back seat. I have a wonderful family and I took that for granted. I had a great job and I took that for granted. I had a good life and I took that for granted. Each day I cherish what I have and I try not to take anything for granted anymore. I am trying my best to get back my true character and lose the character I have become due to my compulsive gambling. Life is not easy and no one ever said it was but it is the one life I have and I have to make the best of it. I will become a person of character.

23 Years

Happy 4th of July to everyone!!! The country is 229 years old. Wasn't it just yesterday that we were celebrating the bicentennial???

It was twenty three years ago tonight that I met my wife. I was recounting the story tonight and realized my daughter is older than my wife's sister (why incidentally is visiting with her husband and daughter from New Jersey) was when I first met my wife. My wife's sister will be 30 (I hope she doesn't mind me spilling the beans??) next month so she was 6 when I met my wife and my daughter is 7. Wow, how time flies. I guess it has been 22 3/4 years of happiness and the last 1/4 has been a little different to say the least.

Life is filled with faith. The reason I met my wife was due to the fact I didn't go on a family vacation. I didn't want to go to Knoxville, Tennessee to see the World's Fair in 1982 and for some reason my mother let me stay home. I attended a Fourth of July picnic with my father and a friend of mine and we came home early. My friend convinced me to go out with his girlfriend's cousin on a double date. I really didn't want to go but he wouldn't take no for an answer so we all went out to a local pizza place and the rest is history. I do remember saying to my friend after the date that either this will be a very short relationship or a very long relationship. It looks like I was right!!!

I have known my wife for almost 60 percent of my life. She has put up with me through a great deal of "stuff" and all I can say is thank you so very much and I love you so much. Without her presence in my life I shutter to think what my world would be like. I know the days ahead are going to get tough but knowing she is by my side and having the love we share will make it so much better. I know this is not what she signed up for 23 years ago and everyone's life has its peaks and valleys but we can get through this and we will get through this difficult time.

Even on our first date while walking to the local pizza place I had to veer off course because I didn't want to go by another girl's house (who I was sort of seeing at the time) and we got a little lost. Maybe she should have known then that this wouldn't be a "typical" relationship.

Purpose

Everyone has a purpose in this life and no one's purpose is more meaningful than the next. I had lost my purpose and drifted into complacency. This complacency led me to places I thought I would never be. I was awoken from this deep slumber four months ago today. I don't want to go back to that place and I want to live my life with a purpose.

You may ask what is my purpose? I am not clear on this answer but I do know what my purpose is NOT. My purpose is NOT to be complacent. Just because I show up at my children's events does not make me a good father. Just because I am nice to people does not make me a good person. I need to take a more active role in life and I am and will continue to do so. My purpose in life will take shape as each day goes by because life without a purpose has no meaning.

Sometimes in life some decisions have a way of being made for you. A few days ago I spoke of a moral dilemma and having to make a decision regarding this dilemma. Well, this decision has been made for me. Some people will say anything and everything to get out of a situation and I know this because I was one of those people. I was faced with a person saying anything and everything to get out of a situation and I knew where it was going. I sensed their frustration and their ability to say and do anything so they could get their way. Unfortunately, the person is not in control of this situation and has very little leverage. This person will try anything to get of the situation and most of it will be fiction and very little will be fact. The decision has already been made and this person will have to come to terms with this fact.

I have always been a big believer of karma and what goes around comes around. My parents taught me to treat people the same way as I would like to be treated. For the most part I have adhered to this teaching. (I did say for the most part!) Also, if you treat people with respect you will be treated the same way. Some people like to tell stories and like to tell people what they want to hear. There really is no purpose in doing this; if you tell someone one thing and tell another person something else you will get caught in a lie. When you are the person that does the lying you may have a hard time if you are on the receiving end. But remember what goes around comes around.

Today my son got stung by a bee, his first bee sting. Thank goodness he is okay and does not appear to be allergic like his Dad. He was very upset and I pulled the stinger out of his finger and he cried for awhile. We put ice on his finger and sprayed some medication. He was most concerned with receiving a band aid so we complied and put a band aid on his finger. I was just speaking with my daughter about the incident and she asked if he was okay. She also asked if he was allergic and I said he does not appear to be but I am allergic to bee stings. She asked me what would happen if I got stung by a bee and I said I could die if I didn't get to a hospital in time. She was very sad to hear this and she said she didn't want to get a new Dad and if I were to die she would miss me more than anything in the world. Yes, it is a morbid subject but hearing this from my seven year old daughter makes eyes well up and gives me that sense of purpose.

Subconscious

Thursday morning my wife woke up in tears. She was having a nightmare and was sobbing in her dream which lead her to sob when she woke up. I comforted her and ask her to tell me what her dream was about. I certainly thought the dream had something to do with our current situation but I was wrong. Her dream was about her cousin dying. She said it was one of those very vivid dreams where everything felt so real. She also spoke of seeing the death on videotape. My poor wife was shaking with fear as she retold the story. I am not a psychologists and don't pretend to be so I have no idea how to interpret the dream. I am sure I could take some guesses (which I know some of you will) but I will not. I do think her subconscious is processing certain things.

Last night my seven year old daughter knocked on our bedroom door at 2:30 am. She entered the room and I asked her what was the matter and she said she had a nightmare. My wife and I asked her if she could explain the nightmare but she didn't want to talk about it. She wanted to sleep with us because she was very scared. It is so very hard to turn away a sweet innocent child when they say they are scared so of course we let her sleep with us. In the morning we asked her again if she could explain the dream and she did. It had to do with a cartoon and some violence in the cartoon. No, we don't allow her to view violent cartoons. Somehow her dream had to do with the Rugrats (not really known for violence) and their All Grown Up characters. I really don't know how to interpret this one but I would guess she saw something violent on television and it went into her subconscious and came out as a nightmare or she is picking up on what is going on. I really don't know but this is such a hard time for everyone. I know we will get through this one way or another but the getting through part is going to take a long time. I hope everyone knows now the real meaning of "One Day at a Time" because any other way would be impossible.