July 16th - 28th Two Weeks in Review

Well, I finally got my own writing equipment. I was holding off for as long as I could because I didn’t know how long I would be here and when I get transferred I couldn’t take anything with me. I was told I could be here anywhere from 3 days to 2 weeks which was conveyed to me by my attorney’s office. When I heard that from his office, I certainly knew that would not be the case.

My attorney and his office staff have told me things in the past and just about all of them have not come to fruition. Let me recap from the beginning~
My attorney told me I would surrender at the police station - I was arrested at home.
My attorney told me I would serve no more than six months - I am currently serving a four year sentence.
A few other faux pas by my attorney~
There was no doubt that I would be sentenced on April 21st - I was sentenced on July 12th.
Early on in the case my attorney assured me my bail would be reduced - it was not.
As you can see, I have very little faith in anything my attorney tells me.
The latest tale is that I will get into a fire camp and serve 35% instead of 50% of my sentence.

I really shouldn’t pick on him because it appears he did the best he could. I guess~
I did confess my guilt at the very beginning that usually hampers any defense strategy. All things being considered, my initial time served exposure was 21 years so my 4-year deal is a large departure from that. But I do kind of find it strange that anything my attorney tells me turns out to be not true.

So much for my reflecting! Yes, I am still here and have no idea when I will get to the next stop. Living “one day at a time” has taken on a whole new meaning! I have been told that there maybe an additional stop in my process. I was told I maybe shipped from here to another county facility where I would stay four or five days then be shipped to the state prison processing facility where I can stay up to 90 days. After that I will be shipped to my final destination where I will serve the remainder of my time. The system appears to be less than efficient and it would have been much better if I could have skipped all of these intermittent stops and gone right to the final destination, but that is not the case. I am at the mercy of the state and when they have room I suppose I will be transferred accordingly.

It may sound as if I am ranting – that is because I am. I know my life is no longer mine but I need an outlet to get out my frustrations and writing provides me this outlet. I have missed my daily blog postings because it really was therapeutic and an integral part of my recovery process. Over the past 2 ½ weeks, I lost another integral part of my recovery process in the Gamblers Anonymous Program. Due to the incarceration, I am unable to attend GA meetings and at the facility I am located at, there are no 12 step programs available. I have been assured that at my final destination, there will be at the least an AA meeting. To me, recovery is recovery, no matter the addiction and the 12 step program is universal.

Even though I can no longer attend meetings, I still have some fabulous friends in the GA program. Some of these incredible dear friends have visited me and written me as well. I also know other great friends have contacted my wife and mother with their thoughts and prayers. I have received nothing but support from everyone and so much positive energy. I know I am in a terrible place, but I also know all the genuine concern, thoughts, and prayers from everyone gets me through each day. And, I thank you all for that.

Due to my inability to procure writing utensils from the beginning of my incarceration, I will give a two-week review of my stay here at Southwest Riverside County Detention Center in Murrieta, Ca. Each day is essentially the same and I concentrate getting through mealtimes which is half the day – so I will hit on the highlights or “lowlights”
Depending on your point of view.

I will start out with my cellmate or “cellie” as referred to around here. There is a whole new vernacular I have learned in my 2-½ week stay and maybe sometime in the future, I will develop a glossary. Back to my cellmate~ as I stated earlier, he really is a good guy, who like myself, made some very poor choices due to his addiction. He has been more than cordial to me and has lent me some paper so I could make some earlier posts. I felt badly because I used his entire tablet – about 40 sheets of paper – while writing those earlier posts. I didn’t want to take any more of his paper because it wasn’t fair and he writes many letters to members of his family.

He too is waiting for the transfer to state prison but he has one more court appearance in early August before he can be moved. We talk a good deal because 7:30 am there is nothing else to do if we are confined to the cell because the lights are still broken. Most nights we are let out for an hour where we can make telephone calls, watch tv, play checkers or chess, or talk with other inmates. After this time that is about 10 or 11 pm, we are confined to our cells. Roll call is sometimes not until midnight so it doesn’t pay to fall asleep because the guards just wake us up anyway. So we spend most of this time talking.

Early on, I discovered my “cellie” had a bad childhood as many of these other inmates have had. I suggested the book Bad Childhood, Good Life , by Doctor Laura Cyes – the same doctor who is heard coast to coast on the radio. No, I have not read this book, but I believe it should be required reading for everyone in this facility.

I have never been a big Doctor Laura fan, but I have one dear friend in the GA program who swears by Dr. Laura. As our whole family made our way back East in June, my wife and I listened to her show and although Dr. Laura can be a little too direct, her advice appears to be right on the money. I hope my cellmate read this book because it may help him in the long run. He is a good guy and I know he will get his act together and have a good life.

I have talked to a few other inmates in the short period of time we have been out in the common area. Some inmates have found Jesus which I think is wonderful because when they start to get a little over zealous about their beliefs, I gracefully back away. If someone asks me if I believe in Jesus, I always say “yes”, but if they start quoting sections of the bible, I politely tell them I am working on it or my belief in Jesus is a work in progress.

I do believe in a “Higher Power”, but as I have written before, my higher power doesn’t have a specific name. Early on I chose to call it God for lack of a better term, but lately I believe it is a spirit that lies inside and outside of my being. Yes, this is certainly a work in progress, but I do know there is a supreme spirit out there who is watching over my family and myself each and everyday.

I am not one for people telling what I should believe in and I am always leery of anyone imposing their will on me. This is why I try not to impose my will on anyone especially when it comes to my recovery. If we are having a discussion and someone asks my opinion regarding my recovery, I try to share my limited experience with them and hope it helps. I have had a few of these discussions here and maybe it helped someone, but it always helps me when I talk about recovery.

As I have talked to a few inmates, I have come to the conclusion that my cellmate and I are the only two who have admitted to committing a crime. Most everyone has a, “Yeah, but…” attitude and I feel I am not getting the entire story. I spoke with someone who is facing a life sentence for a premeditated murder and all he can say is, “I am trying to get the pre-meditated part dropped and I would be okay because that would be a 9 year sentence.” I said, “Okay” and excused myself.

There was another person who seemed to be a really nice kid in his early twenties who I spoke to at length. He heard about my case and asked a few questions which I answered. He spoke about setting up a business. I told him a few things and he told me his concept which sounded okay but had many flaws. After that, I asked him about his case and he mentioned something about having the charges dropped which I couldn’t really follow too well. So I finally asked him what kind of time he was looking at and he said, “Life because it is a kidnapping charge.” I don’t know the exact charges and I don’t want to know, but this seemingly nice kid really confused me when he said kidnapping. Something didn’t add up, but I wasn’t going to press the issue any further.

At another time, a fellow inmate came up to me and asked me my last name which I told him. He said he thought that was me and wanted to ask me a question regarding my sentence. He told me he read the article in the California newspaper and it inspired him to write a letter to his Narcotics Anonymous Group. He showed me the letter and he wanted fellow members to speak on his behalf at his sentencing hearing. He thought my sentence was reduced from 8 years to 4 years because of all the positive influence from the GA members. I had to tell him that the 4 year deal was worked out back in January of this year and the judge did not deviate from this deal even though I had so much positive influence from the GA fellowship and program. The judge made up his mind back in January that I was going to be sentenced to four years, no matter what. I told him that it was great he was involved with NA, but I went on to tell him that my recovery is for a lifetime. Even though the judge did not give me any special credit for my recovery, I know all of the positive influence will help me each and everyday as I work my recovery. I think I disappointed him with my news, but by the same token, I think I got my point across as well.

Then there was an older gentleman or at least I thought he was older. This man is facing a life sentence because he did not inform the state that he was relocating to another state. This is considered a third strike under California’s three strike law which means he will be in prison for the remainder of his life. I asked him how old he was and I was shocked when he told me he was 46 years old. This poor man had thinning white hair, with a white beard, and a little overweight. When I saw him I thought he was in his mid to late 60’s. Nope, he is only five years older than me. He has been here eight months fighting his case, but unfortunately it appears to be a losing battle. By his own admonition, he failed to tell the state of California that he was moving out. He did commit the crime but to be sentenced to life in prison seems a little harsh, to say the least. I thought punishment had to fit the crime?

Yes, those are some of the people I spend my days with. There are more, but I really don’t want to know their stories because each one seems sadder than the next. I just want to do my time without any problems and get back to my family as soon as possible. I have been fortunate because there have not been any incidents except for one minor one which I will not comment on now no matter how often my mother asks me. I will save this for a much later date and it isn’t anything to get concerned over.

When we are all together in the corner area I tend to keep to myself, but I try not to be standoffish or aloof. If someone speaks to me, I always answer them. I don’t make direct eye contact with anyone, but by the same token I don’t look away either. I try to be invisible by being visible if that makes any sense? I have been told that I shouldn’t have any problems when I get to state prison and the time will pass quickly enough.

Right now the days go by quickly because I have done a great deal of reading. In fact, I have completed eight novels and tomorrow I will start my ninth. The 8 novels are by 8 different authors – from Tom Clancy to Danielle Steel. Yes, Danielle Steel~ I was shocked to see the book was available and I held out for as long as I could but I was running out of choices so I read it. The book is titled Heartbeat and was not bad at all. In fact it was better than some of the other books I had read.

Here is a list of books I have read so far:
The Descent by John long – strange and not that great
A Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger – not a classic to me
Op-Center Mirror Image by Tom Clancy – very good-best of the eight
Hornet’s Nest by Patricia Cornwell – terrible ending, worst of the eight
The Simple Truth by David Baldacci – very good, I like his writing
The Once and Future Spy by Robert Little – different but very good
Monsignor by Jack Alain Leger – moved quickly, an average read
Heartbeat by Danielle Steel – nice writing style and not at all trashy – a very good book

I could have read more if the lights were working but there are about 11 hours where it is very hard to see in my cell. I don’t know how much longer I will be here but I intend on reading as much as I can. My cellmate is currently reading The Last Juror by John Grisham. I was hoping he would finish it soon because I have not read this one and I am very interested in any of Grisham’s books.

I wanted to share something that maybe a bit graphic and if you don’t want to read it, please skip to the next few paragraphs. When I was here last year for those six days, I couldn’t bring myself to sit on the toilet so I held back for those six days. I knew coming in this time holding was out of the question or I would have ended up in the hospital. The toilet is in front of the cell and is a stainless steel structure with no seat and no lid. I was raised with three women in the house and learned early on to put the seat down. I have carried this with me my entire life. In fact I always close the lid on the toilet seat when I am done and have taught my children to do the same. I relate it to closing a cabinet in the kitchen so no one can see the contents and it always looks better (in my opinion, at least) with the lid down. There maybe something psychological to it, but I will leave that out for now.

So the toilet in the cell has no lid and no seat and there are no partitions ~ talk about no privacy at this very private moment. When I sit down on the stainless steel seat, it is very cold and since I share the cell with someone else, going alone is out of the question. Needless to say, it is a very uncomfortable situation, but nature has called a few times especially with all of the fruit I have eaten. However, the first few times I just couldn’t go. I guess it is a conditional thing and I have to uncondition myself. After a few times of really trying and failing, I finally went which was a huge relief. Now it has been 2 ½ weeks that I have been here and I wait to the last possible minute (just like my five year old son) and just go. No, thinking about it, I just let nature take over and so far it has worked. I told you it was graphic!

A simple thing like going to the bathroom, I have taken for granted my entire life is not so simple when you are in a place like this. But I will adjust and make the best of everything so I can do my time and move forward.

Another quick story happened the other night (Wednesday) during clothing exchange. This is where we exchange our white clothes and towels. I needed to exchange my boxers “chonjes” and as I put my used clothing in the basket, I told them my size is medium and was handed a 3X large pair of boxers! I didn’t recognize the size until I got back to my cell. By that time it was too late to exchange them, so for two days I have been wearing XXX large boxer shorts. I couldn’t go out yesterday in the recreation yard because we had to strip down to our boxers. I couldn’t do this because mine don’t stay up without me holding them. I think my entire family can fit into these boxers! I can’t wait to exchange them tomorrow.

I need to mention my unbelievable friends inside and outside the GA program. All of my friends know that my family lives 3,000 miles away so visiting for them is not an option. My friends have taken it upon themselves to come and visit me. It hasn’t been easy for some of them since my visiting days have changed from when I was first processed. My visiting days have stabilized and remain Thursday, Saturday, and Sunday.

My first visitor on my new visiting days was my wife’s best friend. I know my wife sent her to check up on me because I hadn’t called my wife in a few days due to the inaccessibility to the telephones. My wife’s best friend showed up at the first visiting time which was 8:00 am. I was very happy to see her. We had a great visit and the 50 minutes seemed to fly by. The visit invigorated me and it was just what I needed. Right after this visit, I had another visit at 9:00 am from one of my dear friends in the GA program. This visit was great, as well, and the time flew by.

I am only allowed two visits pr day so by 12:00 am, I hit my quota. I am not sure if anyone else stopped by that day and if they did, I apologize. I didn’t really need anymore visits that day because these two were fantastic! I am blessed by the friends I have and I am forever grateful to everyone for their kindness and generosity.

On Saturday of last week, I had two more visits from my dear friends in the GA program and these visits were wonderful. Everyone has asked me if I needed anything like money, books, or food. I don’t need anything because I have everything I need in their friendship. These incredible friendships I have made over this short period of time carry me through each day along with the love of my family. I am a blessed person.

I understand a few more friends tried to visit me as well but were turned away due to various types of “lockdowns”. During lockdowns, the officers do not let anyone inside of the building and this can last all day long. I thank everyone for trying, and hopefully I will get to see everyone before I am transferred to the next stop.

Along with the visits, I have received letters from family and friends. The mail is delivered around midnight and as I have detailed, our lights are non-existent around this time. However, there is enough light which comes in through the front window and if I stand right up against it, there is enough light to read the letters.

These letters come at the right time because at this time of night everyone is confined to their cells. Some nights, there are very strange sounds which come from neighboring cells. But when I am reading my letters from family or friends, the only thing I hear are the words on the paper. Each time I have received a letter, it makes me more relaxed because there is so much love in my life which gets me through the very dark and lonely night.

I don’t know what I have done to deserve all this love, but I am so very happy to receive it. There are great people in my family and there are great people who I am delighted to call friends. Each and every one of you have touched me in so many ways. I can’t wait for the day when I can give all of you a big hug!

Calling New Jersey

Not to disappoint you all, but this is not Paul - it's his partial creator. Yes, Paul's Mom here. I would rather it be Paul himself, too but I am speaking through him, in a sense. He asked me to post whatever we talked about tonight. He doesn't have a pad or pencil so he can only give me information appropriate for the blog.

His wife and I have been wearing our phones around our necks, taking them into the shower with us, and barely leaving the house so as not to miss any calls from him. Finally tonight around 11:30, the phone rang and after pressing 3 I was able to talk to him for a brief 30 seconds. I asked him about the lockdown last night which is the reason that his lawyer did not see him and he had no idea what I was talking about. There was no lockdown on Monday, just a power outage over the weekend. After what seemed to be not quite 30 seconds he had to leave. The second call came around midnight and I could not hear him at all, the call was disconnected. That was a bummer! So, I waited and it rang again. This time he was loud and clear and his voice was strong.

However, I detected a bitterness there. A case just like his went down sometime before his, the person had a court appointed defender. This person made no attempt to pay anything back and the sentence was the same as Paul's. Was there more political pressure from the victims? From the onset of this case, I was told by his attorney that he would be doing some jailtime, probably 6 months. I haven't gotten an answer yet as to how 6 months grew to 4 years?

Back to Paul's temporary quarters~he was in a large room with many other inmates. They slept in a boat type setting on the floor (I think I got that right). Only for one hour a day were they allowed to get up and in 6 days, I believe he saw daylight twice. Now he was talking very fast and at that time I didn't have a pad with me so I am going from memory - hope all my 3 brain cells are working tonight-

He is now in a cell which has daylight only. There are no lights. So, you know there is a lot of thinking going on ~too much, I'm sure~ and that can't be good!
So far, since he's been there, he has read 3 books. When he sleeps, it's for an hour sometimes 2 hours. Wakes up for some time falls back and again only an hour or two. No activity, tons on his mind, how is 7 consecutive hours possible?

He is able to eat and legally he must be fed foods for his lifestyle. Plain and simple, there is nothing to do. He said the days go by quickly enough, but the nights are endless.
Several people have asked him why he is still here. According to whomever, he was supposed to get tranferred today or Thursday. When I called the detention center today, the woman told me it might not be for a couple of weeks. Who knows?

By the way, he is under protective custody from the Indians. This scared both Paul's wife and myself. But, from what I understand it's not that big of a deal and it ends at the local prison.
Any correspondence (according to the woman at the prison) can be mailed w/his booking # and full name. If he is not there the letter should follow.

So, if you want to give it a shot, here is the address (along with a lot of rules which will be listed at the end of the blog)

Southwest Detention Center
30755-B Auld Road
Murrieta, CA 92563
(951) 696-3050
Paul Del Vacchio
200630928 CH02

VISITING HOURS AS OF NOW ARE ON THURSDAY AND SATURDAY
Please we cannot forget him. He cannot get swallowed up in this prison system. He has become as asset to many people in this past year!
I will be posting from time to time with info regarding Paul.

Thank you all for being there for him!

Mail Rules
To prevent your letters from getting lost or a delay in delivery, please read the following and keep for future reference. Screening of incoming mail shall include rejection of mail containing the following:
No more than 5 photos per letter. (No Polaroid's) The pictures must not contain nudity; violent acts and/or gang related signs or activities. No Glitter, No Tape.
No stationary envelops post-its or any type of craft materials. No Parchment or Black paper. No staples or paperclips. No loose or book of postage stamps.
Stickers/labels (including return address labels), or any type of substance including perfume/cologne that permeates the mail. No items containing glue or white out. No marking pens or felt tip pens.
No, care packages. No flowers, candy, or ribbons. No phone cards.
No greeting cards. No post cards. No plastic.
No cash or personal checks: only U.S. Postal Money Orders are accepted.
No hardback or leather bond books. All books must come directly from a recognized publisher.
No Mail written in gel type ink, in crayon, or has lipstick imprinted on it.
Any mail that is dirty or stained will be returned as contaminated due to unknown substance.
All inmate mail must have a RETURN ADDRESS and the inmates FULL NAME as booked under with the correct BOOKING NUMBER. If mail cannot be returned to sender due to missing return address, it will be placed into the inmate's property and not retrieved.

July 15th "Off the Boat"

My name along with six other names boomed over the intercom system at 1:00 am. My time on the boat was up and Iwas transferred to a regular cell. I was wondering when and if I would be transferred to a regular cell because I had heard earlier that the Detention Center was fined earlier (By whom, I don't know) if someone was on a "boat" more than ten hours. I was entering my third night on the boat and everyone who came before and some after me on similar boats had been transferred so I knew it was only a matter of time. The call came over the intercom and I gathered up my belongings - mattress pad, sheets, blanket, toothbrush,toothpaste, towel, washcloth and storage box.

I made my way over to the front of the common area also known as the "dayroom" where the entry and exit door had been. Six of us were at the door as the guard shouted instructions at each of us. I was told to make my way to Dayroom 1 - Cell 2. Dayroom 1 was a few short steps around the corner and I made my way to the entry/exit door. The door slid open and I quickly picked up all my belongings and headed for cell #2.

As I entered the dayroom, I noticed all the even number of cells were on the bottom level and thus all the odd number cells were on the top level. I scanned for cell 2 which was at the far left of the dayroom, sort of hidden underneath one of the two stairwells. I noticed the cells on the left hand side of the dayroom, both bottom and top levels were darker than those cells on the right hand side but didn't think much of it.

I made my way to the cell door and the guard at the top of the pod (aka Pod God) who watches over all four dayrooms, buzzed me into the cell. I opened the door which was very heavy especially now that I was carrying all my earhty belongings. As I closed the door behind me, the cell was very dark, very warm , and very stuffy.

I took a few minutes for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. The only light was coming through the cell door, but the light only illuminated the very small area by the door. I noticed there was a toilet and sink to my left as I entered the cell and also on the left were bunk beds. The bottom bunk was occupied with a fellow inmate which meant I had the top bunk.

Quickly, I unfolded the the foam mattress pad and placed it in the top bunk. I also quickly laid the sheets and blankets so I could make the bed. I was doing all of this in complete darkness and I didn't want to wake my fellow cellmate (aka cellie). I did the best I could and appeared not to wake him. I put my foot on the outer portion of the lower bunk and pushed myself up to the top which rests about five feet off the ground. I didn't see the stainless steel stool and metal desk in the back of the ten foot long cell which would have been an easier way to enter the top bunk. But I managed to get into the top bunk without much noise. I did knock over a piece of paper on the way up which did not appear to disturb my cellmate.

I finally laid down in the bunk and felt a little more anxiety than I have felt since I got here on Wednesday. While I was placed on the "boat", I was in a very open area, the air was circulating nicely and the lights were always on. Now I was in a place which was the exact opposite. The cell is about ten feet deep and six feet wide. The ceiling is about 8 foot from the ground. I was in the top bunk which was only 3 feet from the ceiling. The air was not circulating very well and it was very dark. I thought I was going to have a panic/anxiety attack as I laid in my bunk at 1:30 in the morning. I felt my chest tighten and I took a few deep breaths and recited the "Serenity Prayer" over and over until my chest loosened. My eyes adjusted to the darkness and I felt much better. The panic/anxiety attack had subsided.

I am not sure if I slept at all because it was very hot but the call for breakfast came at 5:00 am. My cellmate stayed asleep and did not come out for breakfast. I came out and again scanned the common area where there are stainless steel tables with wooden stools. There appears to be enough seats for 50 inmates. This means that the bottom and top sections cannot come out at the same time.

There are 16 cells on the bottom and 16 cells on the top. Each cell houses 2 inmates for a total of 64. Breakfast is broken up into 2 sections: one for the bottom tier and one for the top tier. The 15 minute rule for eating is adhered to because everyone needed to be finished with their breakfasts and back in their cells because the guards change shifts and there is no movement whatsoever at shift change.

As I came out of the cell, I made a mental note as to where the empty seats were as well as where the Caucasian people were sitting. I learned in my short time that even though there is less "politics" in Protective Custody (aka PC) than in general populationeveryone sits with their own race at mealtime (aka chowtime). I saw a few empty seats at the "white table" and quickly sat down. This seat thankfully was unoccupied and the three other people nodded their approval. I was relieved to have made the correct choice. I ate my cereal (cheerios), gave away my eggs and sweetbread which made the other inmates at my table very happy. As I stated, my cellmate did not come out for breakfast which meant (unbeknowst to me at the time) I being his cellmate was entitles to his breakfast tray. After being informed of this, I quickly gave away the eggs and sweetbread on his tray and proceeded to eat a second serving of cheerios and a second orange.

Breakfast appears to be the only meal where I can get enough calories to carry me through the entire day and having a second helping of cereal and fruit is certainly an added bonus. I had to hurry and finish the cereal because the 15 minute limit was fast approaching. I finished it in time and brought the extra orange back to the cell for a later snack.

It was now close to 5:30 am and the cell was still dark. I brushed my teeth and decided to do some push-ups. The last time I had exercised was Thursday and I wanted to get some type of routine. I did 150 push-ups which I deemed enough for now. The cell was still dark so I climbed up into my bunk to lay down. A little past 6:00 am, the sun or at least a distorted ray of light came through the three foot long six inch high window.

I am not sure if I should call this a window because I cannot see out. The glass is distorted with bubbles, but it does let the sunlight come in. It would be nice to see outside, but this is a jailcell after all and having a view is not part of the deal. It appears, for some reason, that this ray of light is the only light in the cell. A little while later, I came to find out half of the cells have the same dilemna. The lights in the cells on the left-hand side of the dayroom do not work and have not worked in sometime. It appears to be an electrical problem but still remains broken even after weeks of complaints.

I did finally doze off to sleep - then the intercom boomed - "Clothing Exchange". Every Saturday morning all of the inmates turn in their dirty except for the blanket. I don't know when the blanket gets cleaned but it has been so hot that I rolled the blanket up and put it under my mattress to be used as a pillow. I use it as a pillow because one, we don't have pillows and two, the blanket is of the wool variety and is very itchy along with the fact that I sweat at night and I don't even use a topsheet. But, I'm digressing - sorry - back to "Clothing Exchange". The guards call 8 cells at a time and we strip down to our boxers unless we are turning those in and then we wrap the itchy blanket around our waists.

As we are called to exchange our clothing, two guards search the cells. They are searching for any contraband and this is performed each and every Saturday morning. I approached the clothing exchange, wearing my bottoms and boxers. I was told I couldn't keep my bottoms so I exchanged them for a new pair along with the tee shirt, socks, top, towel, washcloth and sheets. I was asked if I was going to keep my "chonjes". I had to ask the guard to repeat and I deducted that chonjes meant boxers. I then wrapped the blanket around me and quickly exchanged my "chonjes".

I got back to the cell and saw the storage box was left open from the guards searching the cell. I certainly didn't have any contraband and for the quick look I had of my cellmate's things, he didn't have any as well. When we got back to the cell, I started to talk to my cellmate. It looks like I got very fortunate having him as my cellmate. He is in his mid to late twenties (28) and had just been sentenced to two years in state prison for spousal abuse and child endangerment. The more we talked the better I felt NOT about my situation but about my recovery. As it turns out, he had a fairly bad childhood and has both a drug and alcohol addiction. He has already been in prison on very similar charges some 7 years ago where he served 13 months. Those charges were with a different woman and his first two children. He has done something very similar this time due to his alcohol addiction which was exchanged for his drug addicition. He understands what he did was wrong which is why he pleaded his guilt so quickly and was arrested 3 weeks ago. This is extremely fast because I have spoken to other inmates who are still fighting their cases two years after being arrested. But as my cellmate stated to me, he was guilty and he wanted to serve his time so he could get out of prison sooner as opposed to later.

I found speaking to him so refreshing and even though we have very different backgrounds such as dropping out of school in the 7th grade whereas I am college educated (which incidentally does not make me better because afterall we ended up in the same place) he had a bad childhood and I had a very good childhood. However, we both succumbed to our addiction. My addiction - compulsive gambling - and his addictions - drug and alcohol. I do hope and pray he gets help and breaks this awful cycle. He really is a decent guy and I was very fortunate to have been put in the same cell with him.

After lunch we were confined to our cells because the entire facility was in "lockdown" mode. We were in "lockdown" due to several power failures. The heat has been relentless this summer and apparently the electrical usage has been way up which has caused some power failures.

Prior to going back to the cell after lunch, I noticed a tattered copy of J.D. Salinger's A Catcher in the Rye lying near one of the telephones. It was a very unlikely sight so I had to do a double take and YES it was A Catcher in the Rye. It didn't look like it belonged to anyone so I picked it up. I needed something else to read because I had to leave the books I was given in my former dayroom. I was told that if I were transferred to another dayroom, I had to leave the books which I did. So, seeing this book was a blessing.

I remember discussing this book when I was in high school but I don't remember ever reading it. I probably just read the "cliffnotes" which is silly because the book is only 214 pages long. Back in high school - as has been the case my entire life - up until 17 months ago - I always looked for the shortcut. There are no longer any shortcuts in my life so I have decided to make the best use of my time and right now I will read just about anything that is put in front of me.

I started reading A Catcher in the Rye and realized that I never did read it before. I finished reading the book and really didn't understand why this would be a "classic". I just don't get it! Yes, it is well written and the story interesting but a classic? I don't get it. Maybe it is just me, I guess I am not that deep. I did finish the book in time before all the daylight had disappeared which was a little past 7:30 pm. Good thing it is summertime because without the lights working, this place would be much more depressing with more hours of darkness as opposed to light. Around 8:00 pm we were still confined to the cells and now it was dark. We could no longer read or write so we talked some more. It was going to be a long night~

My First Visitor

If you notice, the next two blogs are out of sequence. Paul mailed these right after they were written. However, the envelope came back to him for more postage. So, it had to be mailed again and I received this after the other blogs were typed and posted.
This one was written on July 14th.

Today started just like yesterday at 5:00 am for breakfast. The only difference from yesterday’s breakfast was the type of cereal. Today it was bran flakes; everything else was the same. I sat in the same seat and ate the same way I did yesterday.

A little prior to 8 am, the guard called me because I had a visitor. I knew who my visitor was but I was surprised by the early hour. I went out with three other inmates where we were padded down, then told to go upstairs for our visit. The guard remarked to each of us to have a good visit. I thought that was very nice and it was nice to see a genuine display of human kindness in a place like this.

I walked into the visiting room which is a room 15 feet long and 3 feet deep. It has a floor to ceiling wall of bullet soundproof glass. There are six stations separated by a small glass portion and each station has a telephone for the inmate and one for the visitor. At the ends of each room is a separate area for attorneys and inmates. In this room, papers can be passed from the attorney to the guard to the inmate. There is no physical contact whatsoever. And the only method of communication is via the telephone.

As I arrived in the visitor room, in walked my wife and her best friend. I knew my wife was coming today because she was flying back to NJ later this afternoon. I just didn’t expect her to arrive so early. My wife is not a morning person and even though she had a great deal on her plate before she departed for the airport, I didn’t expect to see her until at least 9:00 am. I was pleasantly surprised when she walked in.

My wife looked great as usual and I was happy to see her beautiful smile. The last time I saw her was in court as I was being led out in handcuffs. As I looked back, she was crying with her head resting on her best-friend’s shoulder. It was great to see her magnificent smile and would have given anything to give her a great big hug, but unfortunately that was not possible.

Her best friend was there so we could fill out some legal forms and as always for moral support. We did have the misadventure of entering the attorney’s cubicle so I could fill out the forms, but it took a few minutes for the guard to realize he had to come over and pass me the forms. Once he came up, I signed the forms and all was well.

My wife and I then returned to the regular visitor’s area so we could complete our visit. It was great seeing her and hearing her voice. I am not sure when will be the next time I see her, so I was glad to have a very positive last impression to carry me through the next few months. My wife, as I’ve stated before, is an exceptional woman and now she has the weight of the world squarely on her shoulders. She is in charge of taking care of the children, finding a job, and cleaning up the loose ends of my legal case. I know she will do a great job with all three and I can’t wait to hold her in my arms again.

The visit went so quickly and when the guard turned off the lights to notify us our time was up, I was sad to see her leave. I was happy knowing we will make it through the next two years even though 3000 miles and barbwire separate us because our love has no boundaries. Knowing my wife has come this far is all I need to know because the next two years will go by so quickly. I love her so very much!

As we departed, we put our hands on the glass portion to simulate a touch and we each blew kisses to one another. I felt my heart skip a few beats as she walked out the door. I will miss her very dearly along with my two lovely children but we will all be together soon and it will be better than ever.

After our visit was over, I returned back downstairs. The rest of the day was almost like yesterday with two exceptions. One – there was no rec yard because that is only on Thursdays and two – lunch was a peanut butter sandwich! I was excited about that because this was an unexpected protein bonus for me. I had no idea a peanut butter sandwich was one of the lunches served every few days. It looks like I maybe able to maintain my weight while I await my transport to state prison.

Dinner came and went which was some sort of beef burrito which I happily gave away for my rice. Then we were able to move about the common area. Around 7:00 pm I had another visitor. At first, I thought maybe it would have been my attorney because my wife informed me earlier my attorney would try to visit me today. I had my doubts about that because he said the same thing last year when I was here and he never showed up. Obviously, my expectations were fairly low. Seeing that it was nearly 9:00 in the evening, I knew it had to be someone else. And, it was my very dear friend who was the only one to visit me last year. This person embodies the true definition of a friend and has done so much for my family and myself over the past sixteen months.

I was so happy to see him and we had a great visit! We made some tentative plans so he could come and visit me. These are tentative plans because I have no idea where I will be situated and California is a huge state. I would never expect or ask anyone to drive 400 plus miles to see me. Who knows is these plans will come to fruition? However, it was a great visit and we mimicked touching fists through the glass portion and we both departed.

Yes, two years could be a long time but there is so much love in my life, I know each day will pass quickly as long as I don’t dwell on the past and enjoy all the blessings I have today. I have so many blessings in my life from so many different sources. I am truly a blessed person and continue to be blessed each and everyday.

500th Day of Recovery

This was written on July 13th.

My first night in custody was spent lying on the floor in my boat/bed with 70 other inmates. I am not exactly sure how long I slept because it seemed I was waking up every hour on the hour. Additionally, the lights never dimmed where my boat/bed was positioned.

Breakfast is served promptly at 5:00 am everyday and today was no exception. Breakfast consisted of rice krispies, biscuit, orange, two hard-boiled eggs and 8 ounces of skimmed milk. For those of you who know my eating habits, and me know that eating while incarcerated for me appears to be a problem. I looked at the breakfast and thought how I could “eat to live.”

Thank goodness I have always been a person who eats to live as opposed to someone who “lives to eat”. I need food for health and vitality, not comfort so as I looked at the breakfast, I had some decisions to make. I haven’t had a glass of milk in 6 or 7 years and my dairy consumption has been minimal. However, as I looked at the nutritional information on the back of the milk carton, I noticed the protein content of the skim milk. This particular 8-ounce carton of milk contained 17 % of the recommended daily allowance for protein. I don’t eat meat and getting meat substitutes while incarcerated appears to be impossible so I made a decision to drink the milk at all three meals. By doing so, I would at least get 50% of the RDA of protein per day from the skim milk.

I poured some of the milk in the rice krispies and drank the remainder. I have been drinking soymilk for the past six or seven years and when I first started to drink the skim milk, I could feel a strange sensation in my stomach. I quickly overcame this sensation by eating more cereal followed by the OJ and then the biscuit. I knew the biscuit was full of fat but by judging how the food was last year, I knew this would be my only way to get some type of fat without completely ruining my stomach and going to the infirmary.

Breakfast is served on trays, with ready-made food, which are given out in the common area of the dayroom. There are individual tables which seat four and others eight, both upstairs and downstairs. It doesn’t appear that there is enough seating for 70 inmates but once everyone is seated there were still some empty seats.

As I received my tray and went to find a seat, I quickly scanned the room to figure out where I could and could not sit. I wrote about the “politics” of prison yesterday and stated that I was placed in Protective Custody (aka PC) where there appears to be little politics. However, I noticed something peculiar as I scanned the room. The whites were sitting in one area, the blacks in another, and the Mexicans/Hispanics in another.

As I sat down at the far end of the table, a Middle-Eastern man sat across from me. I guess he didn’t have a section designated for Middle Eastern inmates because he appeared to be the only one. As he sat down, I noticed a scowl on his face which didn’t diminish the entire time he ate breakfast. Also, as he sat down, I quickly offered him my hard-boiled eggs because I have fierce aversion to any and all eggs since the age of two. I cannot stand the smell or touch and certainly the taste of eggs; I instantly get nauseous.
As I gave the man my hard-boiled eggs, his scowl never changed even as he thanked me. I don’t know what this man is incarcerated for nor do I care to know because some things are better left a mystery and this goes for anyone else here. I just want to do my time and get back to my family as soon as possible.

I finished my breakfast within the allotted time – 15 minutes – and my stomach iddn’t feel so bad. Another inmate offered me his orange that I gladly accepted. I thought to myself if I could get five servings of fruit per day along with the skim milk, cereal, and breads, I should be okay. I was told the food gets better in state prison and quite frankly it really wouldn’t be much of a stretch.

After breakfast, we were confined to our bunks until the guard called “dayroom”. Dayroom is a period of time determined by the guards where the inmates can get up and move about the common area. This means we can watch television, take a shower, use the phone, play cards, chess and talk to other inmates. Until “dayroom” is called, we are confined to our bunks and can only get up to use the bathroom.

The three trustees are the only ones allowed up during non-dayroom hours. They are able to watch television and talk to one another. I was very fortunate because where my boat/bunk was situated, I was able to see and hear the TV. After breakfast I returned to my boat and the trustee who greeted me when I came in last night was reading the morning paper.

Yes, my case made the morning paper and this should do it as far as the publicity on my case. Most of you have probably read the articles by now, but if you haven’t here is a link to the Press enterprise http://www.pe.com/localnews/southwest/ .The trustee was reading the article from the Californian and at first he sarcastically asked for my autograph which I quickly laughed off. When he finished reading it, he told me I was a very lucky man to have so much support and it showed him my true character.

He gave me the article and after reading it, I was truly touched and amazed. Tears came to my eyes and I thought how blessed a person I am. I had 25 people – most who didn’t know me some 16 months ago – who came to court to show their support for my family and me. I am grateful for all of them and knowing that I have such incredible, loving friends will carry me through the next two years along with all the love and support from my family. There aren’t enough words in the English language to express my gratitude for this support. I thank everyone for all they have done and continue to do for my family and myself. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!

I finished the article and gave it back to the trustee. I had a very warm feeling inside knowing I have done and will continue to do the right thing in working my recovery from this horrible addiction. I settled into my “boat” and started to read the book that the trustee gave me entitled THE DESCENT. It’s about aliens who reside in the core of the earth. I think it’s based on a true story~only joking! The book is okay; not something I would read but I need something to pass the time. In this place, time appears to be the enemy because there aren’t many things to do. This is a detention facility which means it is designed to house inmates waiting for their trials, inmates headed to state prison, or inmates placed on probation. It is not designed for any rehabilitation~ so it is completely up to me as to how to use this time while I wait for my transfer to state prison.

It is amazing talking with four people who have been waiting 18 months and 2 years for their cases to be heard. I am not sure how they do it, in fact I have asked a few of them that same question and each one of them couldn’t give a definite answer. It is something they have to do because they have no choice in the matter.

I know that in my particular case I was very fortunate to have some incredible family members and friends bail me out or I would have been in this same place for the last 16 months. One of the inmates pointed out to me after we were discussing my case that I would have served all my time had I not been bailed out. Yes, this is true, however, I would not have met the fantastic people who have come into my life nor would I have realized what an incredible family I do have. Furthermore, my recovery would have been completely stymied had I stayed in this place and I would have been doomed to make those mistakes over and over again. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a compulsive gambler and I need all of the support of my Higher Power, family, friends, and the GA Program to help me arrest my addiction. Without these, I am a lonely desperate man but with these I am a very blessed man.

Now it was time for lunch at 11:00 am – lunch was again served on the same trays as breakfast (presumably they were washed) which consisted of salad (mostly lettuce) roll, some type of “goop” mixed together which I later learned was deviled ham, an orange and skim milk. I made the mistake of sitting one seat down from where I sat at breakfast so I didn’t have to see the scowl on the Middle Eastern man’s face, but I was quickly informed (politely) that the seat was taken. So I quickly apologized and moved to the seat I occupied for breakfast.

Before doing this, I traded my goop (deviled ham) for an orange. I put the salad on the roll and ate my lettuce sandwich along with the two oranges and skim milk. At least I know I am getting some protein in the milk and some vitamin C in the oranges. My stomach maybe shrinking – if that’s possible – but I still feel fine and the fact that there is no physical activity means I don’t need more calories.

The no-physical activity part depresses me the most. I have been physically active for all of my adult life and remembering back to the six days I spent here last year, I knew any physical activity would be basically non-existent. However, today being Thursday, our area is entitled to one hour of rec yard. Rec yard is once a week where the inmates get to go outside. The rec yard consists of a basketball hoop, a pull up bar, sit-up incline and a leg extension. It is surrounded by four cinderblock walls 20 feet high, and the top is enclosed with a mesh netting which allows the sun to shine through.

As we were informed of the rec time, we were told that we could only go outside in our boxer shorts because the temperature had been over 100 degrees. As we took off our orange pants and shirts, we formed a single line and proceeded the 20 or so feet to the rec yard. The yard is about 40 feet wide and 40 feet deep – a perfect square. Even though there was a basketball hoop, there was no basketball, so shooting some hoops was out of the question. Also, there were 70 inmates in this area so having a basketball game would only cause problems.

I stood outside, mostly keeping to myself trying to soak up the sunshine as much as possible. I knew this would be the last time I got to see the sun for the week or so. I wanted to enjoy it as much as possible. After about five minutes, I started seeing other exercising and I knew I needed to do something. I did 50 push-ups, got up, walked around in a circle for 5 minutes, dropped and did 50 more pushups. Yes, it was very warm but the physical activity combined with the sunshine was the boost I needed. This certainly wasn’t my typical workout but anything felt good.

Working out at the detention center is prohibited except for rec yard time which means we get only one hour of exercise per week. I know this is a detention center and I have been told that state prison is much better because we can go outside everyday (weather permitting) but one hour a week for someone who has been here for almost two years (yes, there are many) seems cruel. I’m not saying make it a day spa, rather three hours a week seems sufficient. I am just glad my stay here is temporary because it is a very depressing place.

With any luck, I will be transferred to my next stop which is Delano Correction Processing facility next week. I was told processing of my paperwork could take up to 2 weeks so I am fully expecting to be here next week, but I am hoping I will be transferred the following week. I hope I don’t get lost in the shuffle and stay here longer than necessary. Oh, well that is one of the many things out of my control so when it happens, it will happen.

When I do get transferred to the Delano facility in San Bernardino County (I think), I will stay there for at least 30 days but no more than 90 where I will be put through a battery of tests, both physical and mental.

These tests will determine where I go from there. The inmates are rated on a number scale, and the lower the number the lower type of security of the prison. I am hoping for a fire camp which is a minimum security facility that helps fight forest and brush fires. We are trained to fight fires and are outside for 12 hours per day. I understand it is physically challenging and I look forward (hopefully) to learning a new skill. Besides that, my dad was a firefighter and I know a long time ago, he wanted me to take the fireman’s entrance exam so, I guess, it is never too late.

After rec yard, we were given the time to take showers. There are only four individual showers and 70 inmates. I knew it was going to take a long time. I am a patient person and waited patiently for my turn. It was my turn, and situations like these made me realize how much I took my freedom for granted. In my normal life, taking a shower was no big deal. I would take a shower at the gym or at home. I had my shampoo, liquid soap, washcloth, shaving cream and razor. Now I didn’t have any shampoo because we have to order it. Supplies come on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I missed the cutoff because I was sentenced on Wednesday.

I was able to borrow shampoo from a fellow inmate and really everyone from the inmates to the guards have been very respectful. I borrowed the shampoo and took my bar of soap, washcloth, and towel. I took a shower, which for the most part was hot enough, but we as inmates have no control over the hot and cold. We just push a button and the water comes out. It was an individual stall and there was a sense of privacy, but of course I couldn’t get comfortable.

While in the shower, I thought I should shave, as well, because I couldn’t think of anywhere else to shave. There were sinks near the toilets, but those sinks were for washing hands. Also, there are no mirrors anywhere. I guess this has to be a safety issue. Anyone could break a mirror and use it as a lethal weapon. So shaving was a blind experience. Good thing I was given a fairly dull, single edge, disposable razor because I wouldn’t do too much damage to my face and I didn’t. I’m not sure how much hair I shaved from my face, but I did feel somewhat clean after I finished showering.

I toweled off, slipped the sweaty boxers back on. By the way, we get a clean pair of boxers twice a week – once on Wednesday and again on Saturday. So much for having a clean pair of underwear everyday as every mom implores! After slipping on the dirty boxers – on went the orange bottoms and orange tops. Incidentally, we get a new set of these every Saturday – so much for cleanliness

One important aspect of an after shower routine, is the practice of using underarm deodorant. Unfortunately, this is another item that must be purchased so I didn’t have any to use. The deodorant is a stick so I was not going to ask anyone to borrow theirs!
This place smells bad enough and even though I was clean after showering, I knew I would soon start to smell without any deodorant and boy was I ripe!

I am writing this in retrospect and it has been 11 days since I have used any deodorant and let me tell you I STINK! I cannot believe how badly a person could smell even after showering everyday. I don’t know how people did it before deodorant was invented. I guess it was acceptable to smell. I do look forward to my next stop so I can order some deodorant and stop this awful smell.

Now it was 4:00 pm and time for dinner which was served on those same brown and beige trays with the 5 compartments. The dinner consisted of a roll, peas and carrots, some type of meat patty, salad – mostly lettuce – white cake and an 8-ounce carton of milk. I happily took my unofficial assigned seat across from the mean-expression Middle Eastern man. I quickly gave everything away except for the salad, roll, and milk. Yes, I gave away the peas and carrots because they were saturated in either butter or margarine. I made another lettuce sandwich and drank my milk. While I ate, I looked at no one and tried my best to keep eye contact at he bear minimum with my friend from “The Middle East”.

Our 15 minutes for dinner was up and I headed back to my “boat” where I continued to read my novel. After about 2 hours we were allowed to walk around before commissary was brought in. Commissary is the process of buying certain types of foods such as potato chips, ramen noodle soups, brownies, and many other sugar and salt foods. Commissary is where we can order sundries such as deodorant, soap, toothpaste, shaving cream, etc. The Commissary items are delivered each Tuesday and Thursday. If one were to place an order on Tuesday, it would be delivered on Thursday and vice versa.

I didn’t know if I would still be here on Tuesday, so I didn’t want to waste any money on my account. I would like to order some shampoo and deodorant but I thought that a few days without these items wouldn’t be so bad and in fact I have been able to borrow anything except for the deodorant. Maybe I should have ordered something, but I don’t want to waste any money. Tonight I didn’t place any orders because a few of the inmates I spoke with thought I would be transferred next week.

The Commissary came and many of the inmates had large bags full of Ramen Soups, brownies, and other sugar items. Then there appears to be some type of trading going on between the inmates. The soups seem to be the most coveted food items. There is no currency used inside the center, so I guess bartering the commissary items is the way to go. It appeared that many of the fellow inmates made sure other inmates who didn’t purchase from the Commissary had something. It was remarkable to see many of these inmates who are facing some very serious time such as 25 years to life – share their items with each other! It certainly was a fascinating display of human nature.

After commissary was administered, we were able to roam about till 11:00 pm. At this time we were summoned to our bunks. I didn’t have far to go and settled into my “boat” for the evening. Around midnight is roll call to make sure everyone is accounted for. The guard butchered my last name but that is to be expected.

I finally settled into my bunk and to myself that this is the 500th day in recovery. The only reason I knew this was because I wanted to see how many days I had on my sentencing day which was 499. Yes, it certainly is a hell of a way to “celebrate” 500 days, but it beats the alternative of the insanity of my previous life. I never thought I would end up in a place like this in a million years but I have and I must deal with it the best way I can which is with my head held high embracing each and every day one day at a time.

Finally, The Day

This was written by Paul on July 12th at 11:00 pm and sent to his mother to post in the blog.

After a restless sleep (if lying in bed wondering when the next time I would have to go to the bathroom is considered sleep) my wife and I woke up in our dear friend's home knowing full well today would be the day. Last night my wife and I had a very enjoyable dinner aka "last meal" at a local Italian restaurant. Unfortunately, for me my nerves were completely shot and as we returned back to our friend's house, the dinner had gone right through me and I couldn't get to the bathroom quick enough. I spent a considerable part of the evening in the bathroom which sort of spoiled "our last night" together.

We had picked up a movie but never got around to watching it due to my "nervous" issues. We retired or actually my wife retired to bed while I wrote my last official blog. (Hopefully, I can maintain my blog with the incredible assistance of my mother. Thanks, Mom) I then settled into bed where sleep didn't come easily. My last official run to the bathroom (so sorry about the potty talk) was around 5:00 am until my wife arose from her sleep. At this time, my stomach was feeling a little better and asked my wife if she could go and get some bagels. I thought the plain bagels would settle my stomach. Of course, my wife being the wonderful angel that she is went for them.

When she returned, I ate one of them and the rest of the morning was uneventful. We got our suitcases together. I put mine upstairs in my friend's house not knowing the next time I would use them again. I helped my wife with all the suitcases she was going to take with her. I finished some loose ends and we headed off to court for the last time.

As we headed there, we went a completely different way then we had gone the other 28 times. My friend lives on the other side of the courthouse so we came in the opposite direction. As we made the 7 minute trip, we passed new home after new home and I was questioning myself whether we were going in the right direction because it looked just too nice! My wife even commented, " I don't know if I could live this close knowing there was a jail nearby." After the beautiful new homes, there was a break in the development and we came upon the courthouse.

We pulled into the parking lot and immediately saw my wife's best friend who has also become my best-friend, too. She is truly a great woman! After seeing her, I saw many of my incredible GA friends and knew the time was drawing near.

Before getting out of the car,I gave my wife my wedding ring which I have wrn faithfully for the past 13 years and 9 months. My wife quietly slipped it on her finger. We got out of the car and greeted all our friends with hugs. There was some paperwork which I needed to sign from my wife's best friend which was quickly done. After signing the paperwork, I got a quick minute alone with my wife. I told her I loved her and she said she would wait for me. I didn't want to say anything further for fear of completely losing it. We hugged and kissed for the last time in quite awhile.

We entered the courthouse and saw the rest of our dear friends. The line was very long going through the metal detector. I knew most of the line was due to our great friends showing their support for my wife and myself.

I saw a dear friend after going through the metal detector who was wearing shorts. I knew the bailiffs and the judge in the courtroom frown on shorts. So, I informed my friend that he may not be able to get into the courtroom because of his shorts. My friend who is os very understanding said he would try to get in anyway. Unfortunately, the quicker he tried to get in, the quicker he was escorted out! I did feel badly, but in a way I had hoped that I, too would have worn shorts instead of my navy blue suit so I couldn't hear my sentence. But, obviously, this would have delayed the inevitable once again.

To be continued...

My apologies to all who have rightfully complained about stopping in the middle of a story. I was leaving for a few days, and since my typing skills are s o o o slow, I decided to post what I had done. Again my apologies.

And, the rest of the story...

It was time to go into the courtroom after I gave hugs and received well wishes from all my dear friends. We file into the courtroom and I let everyone go in first because - one I wanted to be polite - and two I really didn't want to go! It was a good thing I did this because I got to see a very unexpected attendee ~ my great uncle and his wife. I was genuinely touched by their support and he told me if there is anything he could do, he would do it. I told him just seeing him and his wife was enough for me. There are some GREAT people in this world and I continue to be blessed by so many of them.

I finally made my way into the courtroom, only to find there were no more seats available.
The bailiff asked my very tremendous support group if anyone was willing to give up their seat for me. Of course, my GA sponsor (who is incredibly selfless) gladly did just that.

I sat directly behind my wife and her best-friend. I was happy my wife sat next to her because her best-friend would provide her with all the support she would need when the sentence was rendered. I sat on the aisle next to one of the many incredible friends I have met through the GA program. This friend knew I was very uneasy and did her best to comfort me with pats on the back and rubbing my shoulders.

We were all finally situated when the judge started calling the cases. Of course, my case was one of many and wasn't the first one called. Then my attorney came over to me and wanted to talk. We went to the back of the courtroom when he told me the one issue that has been holding up my sentence for the past three months has been dropped. I was confused and thought I didn't hear him correctly which I had him repeat. Yes, the Deputy District Attorney had dropped the issue. However, I am unclear as to "why". The fact that the issue was dropped was a good thing. It meant, yes, today would be the day I got sentenced because there weren't any other issues standing in the way. My attorney also told me something else which may be very beneficial to my wife and children but this remains to be seen. I was given two very positive pieces of information and my stomach continued to feel better.

I went back to my seat, and what seemed like an eternity, even though it was only 15 - 20 minutes, my case was finally called. I quickly got up and went to the defendant's lawyer's table. As I looked back, I touched my wife on the shoulder and saw my friend, who I was sitting next to, get up and get my GA sponsor. I was very happy to see my INCREDIBLE friend enter the courtroom and take my seat in the audience.

After some legal formalities, we were ready to proceed. I got the impression the judge wanted to render his sentence right then and there, but I had three amazing people, who I am honored to call friends, speak in my behalf. Knowing what the judge had said at my first sentencing-hearing, I knew there was nothing anyone could say or do which would change the judge's mind. The three wonderful friends who spoke on my behalf did a magnificent job. Each one was great and and I am honored they took the time and said those meaningful words about my wife, my family, and myself. Even though it didn't change anything in the judge's mind, it meant the world to me. I am not a worthless person. I am a worthy person and I owe everything to my family, my friends, and the GA program.

I had tears in my eyes as the third and final speaker finished. Now the judge asked my lawyer if he had anything further to say and he replied, "no". I was hoping he would add something even though he did say what he wanted to say at the first sentencing hearing which was on record. I knew I was not going to get probation, but I was hoping my attorney would reiterate the positive items in my sentencing memorandum such as my job offer from the Las Vegas Recovery Center, the Al Roker interview, the CBS radio special "Rush to Ruin" by John North and the many letters of reference in regard to my recovery, but he mentioned none of these things.

After asking Assistant District Attorney if he had anything to say, which he did not, the judge was ready to render his sentence. As soon as the judge started speaking, I knew my fate. I am not completely sure of the exact words, but I knew my term would be four years in the state prison. I do remember the judge saying, "There must be consequences for his actions."

Now, I can go into a long diatribe about all of the consequences such as loss of career, house, car, and money. A state prison sentence only adds to the list. Yes, I do completely understand that I need to be punished for my actions. I must remember the overall exposure at the beginning of my case was 21 years so the 4 years seems like a good deal. However, when I compare my case to the city inspector of Murrieta who embezzled just about half of what I did ($260,000 vs. $499,000) and this person recieved probation. This carries a one year term in the county facility in which he served 13 days. This person embezzled due to a gambling problem just like me. However, as far as I understand (we share the same attorney) he has done nothing about his gambling addiction and had nothing substantial in the sentencing memorandum. These types of comparisons will drive me insane so I must put them to rest.

When the judge rendered his sentence of four years, I heard a little gasp from the audience. The bailiff came behind me, put on the handcuffs, and led me out of the courtroom. As I was being led through the side door, I turned to see my wife. She was noticeably shaking and crying with her head on her best-friend's shoulder. Even though there were 25 people in the courtroom, at that moment I could only see my wife and her best-friend. I wanted to tell my wife that I was "okay" and everything would be "okay", but contact is prohibited. As I was led away, I mouthed to my wife "I LOVE YOU" and gave her a quick wink.

I don't know why I chose to give her a wink because this is a little out of character for me and I was thinking of a nod of the head but the wink came first. I know everything will be okay because the last 16 months have proved this and I wanted my wife to believe we will get through this. I hoped the wink didn't give a bad impression. I meant it in no disrespect whatsoever. The bailiff led me away and I tried to get another look at my wife, but the bailiff prevented this. He emptied my pockets which consisted of $45.00, my driver's license, and my serenity stone. I was ready for today so I didn't take my wallet or any other unnecessay items but I needed my serenity stone.

The baliff undid my tie and belt and asked if there were any items in my pocket which would stick him. I told him, "No, only a serenity stone." His reply was "What?" I answered back, a serenity stone, and tried to explain but he was uninterested. Then I was told to step into the elevator, the bailiff pushed the button and I went - unassisted - to the holding cells. When the elevator reached the bottom level, a voice came over the intercom and told me to pick up my stuff.

I bent down to pick up the zip-loc bag where the bailiff had placed my belt, driver's license, $45., and serenity stone. My wrists were handcuffed together behind my back so it was no easy feat picking up the bad which laid on the ground. Somehow I managed and followed the red-line as the mystical voice over the intercom had advised. About ten feet outside the elevator, I was met by a female prison guard who had recognized me from last year and had asked me what I had done this time? I quickly replied, "No, there is no this time, it is the same as last year." We walked a little further and she told me she knew someone I worked with and mentioned thier name. I told her I thought her friend was a very good person and I always liked them. The guard then told this person also like me.

Here I am in the bowels of Southwest Detention Center having just been sentenced to four years in state prison, and a guard who I met for all of five minutes 16 months ago, remembers me and tells me we have a mutual friend who still respects me even though I'm headed off to prison. Even in the most unlikely places, my higher power continues to reassure me that I am a good person and everything will be alright.

This very polite guard handed me off to the booking officer. We struck up a small conversation when he asked me what my sentence was. I told he and another guard four years which brought a little "oh, man" from one of the guards. One of them could not believe I received a sentence of this length for embezzlement. I found myself defending the sentence as just when I recited what the judge had said some thirty minutes prior. After our conversation and giving them ny vitals - age, weight, height, marital status, etc. I was led to a holding cell.

A holding cell is a five by five room with cinderblocks on the wall. The cinderblocks are painted and off-peach. I think it is an off-peach because it's not white, tan, beige, or orange so I will call it off-peach. In the room is a slight cinder-block wall which provides "privacy" for the sink and toilet. This is situated in the rear of the cell and there are two wooden benches on each side of the cell with one telephone.

As soon as I saw the telephone, I knew I had to contact my wife but forgot that only collect calls can be placed and my wife only had her cell phone which does not accept collect calls. I tried to phone my mom because I wanted to talk to her but no one was home to answer. After I hung up the phone, another guard came to get me so I could change my clothes and decide where I should be housed.

I undressed out of my suit and changed into the white boxers, white tube socks, orange top and bottom along with the rubber soled reddish sandals. I would have received a tee shirt to go under the orange top but they were all out. I was aked a series of questions about my physical health and mental health. No, I didn't want to kill myself because I know I can get through the next two year without seeing my wife and children. But not having them see me forever would be the worst thing I can do to them which would be the ultimate in selfishness. My life is worth living now thanks to my recovery.

After the series of questions, the guard asked me if I was ever in "Protective Custody" aka PC and I told them that this is where I was housed last year when I was first arraigned. "Protective Custody" is where they put the special needs people who are older or have health conditions or maybe harmed by the "general population" aka GP prisoners, are those who have committed crimes toward women or children. Now, I don't fit into any of these categories, but last year the guard thought that there may have been some Native-Americans aka Indians who may have been upset at me since I stole from their casino.

I didn't have any problems last year in "PC" so I decided to go this route again. Last year, everyone including the prison guards and inmates were vry respectful and there weren't any issues. I have since found out that the GP is very political or shall I say racist because the whites stick together, the blacks stick together, and the Latino/Mexicans stick together. In PC, there is some racism, but it doesn't matter if a white person gives their food to a black person, whereas in GP this could create problems. I get along with everyone and respect any and all rules, so being in PC is fine with me. I do know that there are some inmates in PC who have (how shall I put it) less than desirable crimes which I choose not to know about.

After this discussion, I was led back into the holding cell while I was awaiting my bunk assignment. I again saw the telephone and decided to learn something from last year. I noticed the bail bond company was able to perform a three-way call to anyone. I dialed the bail bond company I have used since the beginning of all this. They were more than happy to help out and dialed my wife's cell phone number. I was so happy to connect with my wife who sounded very good. It was nice to know she was doing well because the last vision I had of her was crying and leaning on her best friend's shoulder. We had a great conversation and it was time for me to go to my bunk assignment.

This was very different from last year when I stayed in the 5x5 holding cell for over 24 hours because there was no place to put me. I was relieved to be going over to the housing unit.

I am sorry I missed one step in the process where my fingers, hand, and palm prints were taken at the very end of a dark hall from the holding cells tucked into the corner was where the fingerprint and picture area was located. My mugshot was taken and hopefully the screen was wide enough for my profile. (That was a joke and those of you who know me know my nose is rather large) I struck up a small conversation with the guard who was processing me and I could tell he didn't have many inmates ask him how he liked his job. He was a little uneasy answering my questions at first but loosened up a bit.

I really like his answer to my question about how he liked his job. He responded, "It is just like anything in life. You get what you put in. If you are half-ass and miserable in your job, you will get half-ass results and feel miserable, but if you are positive and do everything to the best of your ability, then life will be good." I thought this was a great answer and another example of how much meaning there is in my life since I have embraced my recovery.

I was led to the housing unit where I was passed from one guard to another. As I was passed from the Booking Guard, he genuinely wished me the best as we both greeted the Housing Guard. He then led me to the storage room where I grabbed a 1 inch foam pad, two white sheets, and a very prickly blanket. This went along with my 1 x 1 ft file box. Inside the file box was a toothbush, razor, soap, comb. and my "rights sheet as an inmate".

I took all of these items and was instructed to go to Dayroom 4 Bunk 67. I am not sure how many inmates are housed at the Southwest Riverside Detention Center, but I remember hearing something like 1200. Each area is a quadrant with four pods. In the four pods are individual pods; each pod contains 32 cells which house two inmates per pod. Three of the four pods contain cells except for the pod I was headed to. In this pod, there weren't cells, just bunks. There were 40 bunks with the option to add 10 more on the bottom floor and upstairs were an additional 20 bunks so this pod can house up to 70 inmates. As I was led into the pod, I was greeted by a fellow inmate who was known as one of the "trustees". Each pod has three trustees and usually there is one white, black, and Latino/Mexican. These gentlemen are entrusted with enforcing the regulations within the pod. They are also responsible for the cleaning of the pod along with running breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

This good man showed me where my bunk was located and it wasn't a bunk at all. He pulled over a seven foot long, three foot wide hollowed out casket without the lid. This is referred to as a "boat" because the facility is so overcrowded there needs to be temporary bunks and these boats provide this. This is a better system than staying in the 5x5 holding cell for more than 24 hours as I did last year.

After I say where my boat was located, I started to make my foam mattress into a bed, then another inmate came over to help. Before this inmate came over, the trustee who greeted me earlier recognized me from last year. (I guess I have a face or a nose that is hard to forget!) He asked me about my case and he did remember me. He said he was praying for me and he was glad my case had finally come to an end. He also reassured me that my time would go by quickly once I got to state prison.

When the other inmate came up to me, his first words were, "You don't look like a convict. What did you do?" I explained my crimes but I realized after speaking with him that I need to keep it simple and not use the word embezzle. I realized saying that I stole from my employer is much easier. We finished making my "BOAT" and I glanced up at the clock which read 4:30. I did a doubletake because when I was getting fingerprinted I saw that it was 4:45 on the computer screen and wondered how time could actually go backwards! I knew that the last time I was here that time stood still, but this was ridiculous. The trustee who helped me earlier saw my reaction after looking at the clock and quickly came up to me and said the clock was one hour slow. Thank goodness!

My "boat" was all made up and I was ready for the evening. I missed dinner because it is served everyday at 4:00 pm. The very helpful trustee got me some soup and potato chips to help tide me over till breakfast at 5:00 am the next morning. I didn't have the heart to tell this very considerate man my eating habits so I said thank you and put the soup and chips in my filebox. Earlier, as I was processed, I informed the booking officer of my vegetarian eating status and he asked me if it was for personal or religious reasons. First, I found myself stating that it was for religious reasons and this would be true because I firmly believe in my eating habits and this makes it my religion. I had a hard time conveying these thoughts so I just said it was for personal reasons. He told me this would have to be approved by the commander of the jail and I wasn't going to be here long enough to bother with this request so I decided not to pursue it.

My first day of moving forward with the rest of my life drew to a close. As I sat in my boat and looked around at my new surroundings, I couldn't help but think about my wife and two children. Yes, it is going to be two years that I am not in their lives, but I know had I continued the path I was on, I would have lost them forever. Two years will go by and we will all be together once again for a lifetime.

Sentencing Complete

Today's post has been contributed by family members of Paul.

Paul was sentenced and remanded into the custody of the state of California today. As anticipated he recieved the maximum sentence of 4 years. Details of his incarceration including where he will be serving his time is still unclear.

The courtroom was filled today with people supporting Paul and his family. In fact some people were turned away due to lack of seating!

We pray for his family and his continued recovery during this difficult time. We will miss Paul very much.

Information About My Case

I don't know if someone will post my sentence later on today so here are some links that may have information about the sentence. The first one is the County of Riverside Justice System; follow the information on the first page and the Court is C- Riverside Criminal and Traffic; then click on Case Number Search; enter swf010995 click on my name here you may or may not see the sentence depending on the time of day; it is usually input quickly; however; I am not due in court until 1:30 pm Pacific time this afternoon so this information maybe posted tomorrow; if you want to go further click on Case Report then Format Report and you will see all the information on my case.

Here are some other newspaper links that may have the information on my sentencing later today; The North County Times and go to the Inland Section and look for stories in either Temecula or Murrieta. The Press-Enterprise and look at the stories for Southwest Riverside County. Finally, the Los Angeles Times; I am not sure they will have anything on the story but in a week or two a writer by the name of Ashley Powers will have a story about my case so do a search on her name.

Thank you to everyone once again for all of the incredible well wishes and fantastic support. I know whatever happens later today is for the best and I will continue my recovery one step at a time to the best of my ability.

Could This Be The End?

It is the night before I am due to be sentenced for the third time. I am hoping the third time is a charm!! The first time was back on April 21st and the night before I wrote about how my life is incredible. My life is still incredible and I intend my life to continue to be incredible because I am I am working my recovery each and every day. I have not stopped working my recovery for the past 498 days and I intend on having many more days of recovery for my lifetime one day at time.

I have been assured tomorrow "everything will get done and I will be sentenced." However; I have heard this before so I will believe it when it actually happens. Yes, I want to start to serve whatever time the Judge deems appropriate so I can get back to my family. It has only been four days since I last saw my daughter and son and I miss them dearly. My wonderful brother-in-law was kind enough to send some photos of all the cousins back in New Jersey and I had tears in my eyes looking at the photos of my daughter and son.

My children are having a great time in New Jersey with all their cousins, aunts, uncles, grandpa and grandmas. They are being kept busy with many activities and they are doing very well. I have an incredible family which extends to my own family with my sisters, father, father's wife and my mother to my fantastic in-laws. They are all doing a great job keeping my children occupied during this very stressful time. I am forever grateful to everyone in my family; thank you so very much and I love each one of you very much.

My friends inside and outside of the Gamblers Anonymous Program will be showing their support for my wife and me tomorrow at court. Some of these dear friends have taken a day off work so they could attend the sentencing. I am a blessed person to be surrounded by so much support, love and genuine affection. These are special people who have touched my life in so many ways and I love them all, thank you so very much I am forever in your debt.

My wife and I spend a very quiet last evening at another dear friend's house who was kind enough to open up their home to us even though they are going away on vacation. These are very special people who I did not know some sixteen and half months ago yet today I consider them my best friend. I had know idea there was so much love and affection in the world some sixteen and half months ago but now I know that there are some very extraordinary people in this world and I am blessed to call all these people friends.

I would be remiss not to mention the people I have met via the internet and this blog. There are so many special people who have helped me through this very difficult period and I am forever grateful for their kindness, support and genuine affection. These too are great people who I am very pleased to call friends. Thank you so very much for all that you have done to help me recover from this horrible addiction.

There are too many people to mention them by name and I am a very blessed person to have been touched by each and everyone of you. I know that no matter what happens or what doesn't happen tomorrow I am on the right path to an incredible life thanks to my family, friends, Gamblers Anonymous Program and my Higher Power. Life does exist after compulsive gambling and it is a great life and will continue to get better each and everyday one day at a time.

I want to thank my dear wife for all of her compassion, understanding and neverending support. I love her so very much that words would not do her justice. She has stood by me during this entire period and I am forever grateful for this incredible woman. Thank you so very much I love you so much. I know time will pass soon enough and I will be back and our life will continue to get better and we will grow together and share a fantastic life.

Finally, I wanted to finish up with a few articles in regards to compulsive gambling. Just because tomorrow I will get sentenced to most likely a prison term it does not mean all compulsive gamblers will immediately stop their illegal behavior. Compulsive gambling will continue no matter my sentence and here is yet another example of where this horrible addiction can lead people. This article talks about the horrible irreversible consequences of compulsive gambling.

Yes, compulsive gambling is a very serious addiction/disease and something needs to be done about it. In that regard Congress passed a bill today (albeit a bit symbolic because there really is not teeth in this legislation but it is a good start) prohibiting the use of credit cards for online gambling. I know there are ways around this but at least it is a good first step. Lastly, there is a congressman from Massachusetts who is proposing legislation help compulsive gamblers with treatment and awareness. This bill has a long way to go in order for it to be approved and it is up against the heavy hitters of the gaming industry but it is nice to see someone actually proposing something like this. It may take a few years for this bill in a different form to be passed but I like the direction it is headed. Maybe when my time is served there will be some formal legislation in place to help the compulsive gambler.

Last GA Meeting for Awhile?

I woke up this morning in the town I have lived in the past five years but for the first time I wasn't in my house. My house is gone due to my compulsive gambling addiction. Thank God my wife and I have made some very special friends in the five years we have lived here because these special friends have opened up their homes to us. I continue to be amazed by the generosity and love that have been bestowed upon me and my family by our very special friends.

Yes, it fled strange to wake up in an unfamiliar house but these are such great friends who understand the situation oh so well that the unfamiliar feeling was gone in a blink of an eye. My wife and I had a very relaxing day. I worked out at my usual workout place (Gold's Gym) and saw the same people I have seen in the past sixteen months. I have made some very good friends at the Gym; some who know my situation and some who haven't. Throughout this entire situation I have realized I am still a human being and I am so grateful that everyone I have met continues to treat as one. I made a very large mistake which I am paying for in so many ways; however; as one of my friends stated, "I am not a bad person".

Thank God I have so many special people in my life who have stood by me and my family in this time of need. These are great people who are outstanding human beings in so many ways and I am forever grateful.

This afternoon my wife and I decided to take advantage of not having the children. (The children are back in New Jersey hanging out with their Grandfather, Grandfather's wife, Aunts and many many cousins, they are having a blast.) We attended a movie at the inexpensive movie theater. There is a movie theater in town that plays movies that have been out awhile for at a discounted rate ($3.00). We went to see The DaVinci Code. I read the book about two years ago and loved it as did most people. I heard mixed reviews about the movie so my expectations were very low which may have been good. I thought the movie was good; not very good just good.

Everytime I see a movie where I have read the book that preceded the book invariably is better so I knew this going into the movie. The movie was solid it was not as frenetic as the book and there were some departures from the book. However; I was not bored with the movie and it was very entertaining two and half hours to spend the afternoon with my wife. The story line both in the book and the movie is very interesting. Yes, I know it is fiction but I like things that go against convention and make me think. This movie as did the book made me think.

After the movie I attended what could be my last Gamblers Anonymous meeting for awhile. This meeting is a one hour topic meeting and I was able to pick the topic. The topic was HOPE. I picked this topic because the GA Program gave me hope some 497 days ago when I attended my first meeting. This hope continues as I have attended many meetings and I know I will attend many more because the Program has given me a new positive life without gambling.

This meeting has struggled in the past partly because of the time (5:00 pm) but tonight we had 11 people attend and one newcomer. There was also a person who I hadn't seen in awhile so it was nice that we have this meeting as an option for those people. The newcomer was filled with pain and I hope this person comes back because that pain can be turned into happiness. I know for myself my pain has turned to happiness because of my new way of life. My new way of life consists of honesty, open-mindness and willingness to continue doing the right things.

Normally I would attend the Tuesday night GA meeting but tomorrow maybe the last night I spend with my wife and I wanted to spend the entire night with her. So today marks my last GA meeting for awhile. I am so happy I attended the meeting because as is always the case I felt so much better before the meeting than I did before. I have gained so much courage, experience, strength and HOPE from this Program. I am forever grateful to the Program for giving me my life back.

Earlier today I did speak with my attorney. We went over a few items and I am not thoroughly convinced Wednesday will be my final day. I only say this because of what has happened the past two times. I won't believe my sentencing will actually happen until it actually happens. There are a number of items that can prevent me from being sentenced and my attorney is working on those items. I do want this to be over and I want to start whatever sentence the judge deems appropriate but I do know all of this is out of my hands. I have to believe it will happen on Wednesday afternoon but if it doesn't there is not a whole lot I can do. These are the consequences I must live with and I am trying best each and every day.

Back Home

Last night my wife and I completed the return to Southern California. What took us as a family one week driving across the country took an airplane four and half hours to complete!!! These modern flying machines!!! Just joking; we did land last night in San Diego and it was a very uneventful trip, which is always good when you are flying. It was just my wife and I as the children are being well cared for in New Jersey by both of our families. My wife and I had no one sitting next to us so we were able to stretch out.

We were actually served a meal which was a surprise to both of us. Apparently, Continental Airlines prides itself on serving meals and they don't even charge for them. My meal which was a "special" meal (strict non-dairy vegetarian) was very good much to my surprise. It was a bean burrito with no cheese (hence the non-dairy). My wife had something different but she said it was very good. We were even able to watch two movies because of the duration of the flight. It was a good return trip to a place I once called home.

I cannot call this place home any more because I don't own a home. In fact; I am technically homeless. My wonderful friends will not allow me and my wife to be homeless because they have offered their homes for us to stay. We have taken them up on their offers and are staying at three of our wonderful friends' houses this week. Even though these friends are relatively new friends in our lives they have been unbelievably supportive. I am blessed by each one of them in their generosity. I am a very grateful person and I am so thankful for all the support my family and me have been given.

We stayed overnight in San Diego and drove the 60 miles north to where we are staying for the next few days. We saw four great friends already and for old time sakes drove passed our previous house. I thought our house would be up for rent or for sale but I didn't see any signs on the front lawn and it appears the front lawn is not getting watered along with the flowers. It was hard to see the house and not be able to go inside and settle down but this is what I caused. I know I cannot do anything about the past and I can only concentrate on today and I am forever grateful for my recovery.

My recovery has saved my life and I know there will be many more houses in our future as long as I stay in recovery. Yes, I did visit the past because we were in the neighborhood but I know I am on the right path to a very positive life.

After landing at our dear friend's house it was time for my Sunday evening Gamblers Anonymous meeting. It has been two weeks since I attended a GA meeting in my area and it was good to be home. Yes, GA is my home and all the meetings in my area are my home group. I love the people in my meetings and they all have a very special place in my heart. It was so nice to see everyone. These are great people who have helped me tremendously. I am forever in their debt because each person has taught how important it is to stay in recovery.

It was a great meeting like all our meetings. When I arrived I instantly felt at home because of all the wonderful people. The fellowship has been so good to me and each person brings something different which I learn from. I continue to learn from everyone at the meetings. It doesn't matter if they have 40 years or 4 days in recovery; what matter is they are trying their best to recover from a horrible addiction.

Yes, it does feel a bit awkward being in my hometown with no home but I have so much more than a house. I have friends who genuinely care and have done some extraordinary things for me and my family. I am in a good place because of these remarkable people and I thank everyone for all that they have done.