Two Years Since My Last Wager

I am going to make a slight departure from the regular prison life for two reasons: One – I need to get this in the mail tonight and I have little time (which is actually a good thing) this evening due to the FTP class and evening yard. The second reason is today marks the 2 year anniversary of my last bet and I need to acknowledge this. There is a third reason which is to give my dear wife a break from typing the long blogs.

First I just need to report that I did survive the cut in the FTP class and barring any unforeseen circumstances, I will complete the class next Wednesday, March 7th!

It seems unimaginable how fast the last two years have gone since my last wager. It does seem like yesterday that I was placing those last 2 bets. I would love to say I stopped betting because I wanted to but that would be untrue. I stopped because I had to and my world was collapsing all around me. Those two wagers were so insignificant when I made them, yet they are now very significant in my life because it marks the end of the madness and insanity. Of course, I lost those two bets but that would provide to be a positive because if I had won I would have continued to bet until I lost it all. Thankfully, I lost it all in that one night two years ago. So much has happened in these past two years – not withstanding my current situation. Most of what has happened has been a direct result of my compulsive gambling addiction. Yes, I lost my job, money, house and car but amazingly, I didn’t lose my family and even more amazing, I regained my sanity.

I continue to regain my sanity through recovery which has given me my life back and subsequently has given me my family back. When I was gambling and stealing, I was slowly losing my family and now even though we are separated by a continent and prison walls, I am closer to them than I have ever been. I am closer because the lying, cheating, and stealing have stopped and now my mind is clear for the very first time since I have found recovery. Two years ago my world was swirling and I was thinking of ways to “escape” my situation. When I mention “escape”, I don’t mean run away or something worse, I mean I was trying to connive my way out of the situation. It wasn’t until the next day (after placing my last wager) that I realized I could no longer live this way and had to tell the truth. My brain was searching for ways to get out of that situation and thankfully I was not allowed to escape. I shudder to think what would have happened if I were allowed to escape. I know I wouldn’t have discovered the wonderful world of recovery and would still be living in a fantasy world.

I lived in this fantasy world all my adult life and when I discovered the “beginning of the end” at the place of my former employer, this fantasy world was magnified tremendously. Fortunately, this world came crashing down on me two years ago and now I am still paying for these consequences as I sit behind these prison walls, but my life is better now than it has ever been. Thankfully, five days after my last wager, I found the GA Program and the incredible people who are part of this great organization. I have been reaping the benefits ever since. It took me over 20 years to find the doors of GA and it is one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life and it has saved my own life as I practice the principles one day at a time. Two years ago I had no idea what was going to happen in my future and I still don’t know what will happen but I do know as long as I stay in recovery, my future will be full. The last two years has given me an incredible foundation of recovery to build on. In less than one year, my prison term will come to an end and my life will continue to reap the rewards of recovery. I realize I am capable of great things – with recovery - and I also realize I am capable of bad things – without recovery. I have done many of these bad things and my life became unmanageable. Once I utter the words, “I am a compulsive gambler” and realized I am powerless to gambling, my life changed for the better.

Two years have gone by in a blink of an eye and time continues to tick on. I am missing a significant part of my family’s lives; however, had I not found recovery I would have missed their entire lives as well as my own. The consequences of my actions have been severe, but not dire. My life has many twists and turns but through these past two years, the turns have been more than positive. Each day is a blessing and I am blessed with an incredible family and friends. I will continue to be in recovery and my 3rd anniversary will be beyond these prison walls.

10's and 18's

The protein drink saga ended and I walked back to the dorm in the rain. As I made my way in, I saw my dorm mate exercising and decided to join him where we did over 600 pushups together. As I was working out, I couldn’t help but to think about what the doctor said earlier regarding exercising and losing weight and how I should stop exercising. I could not imagine this journey without any type of exercise!

Last night was an evening yard but the weather was not cooperating as the rain continued. I stayed inside writing and waiting for “Heroes” to start. I had a multitude of letters to return because when the mail came earlier I received 9 pieces of mail which by the way is at least 2 weeks or more behind! One of these pieces was the monthly bulletin from Gamblers Anonymous. This is the second time I have received this and it certainly keeps me in contact with the fellowship. I love reading the inspirational letters each month because they are filled with experience, strength, and hope. I do keep in touch with so many dear friends from the Program and every visit I have received has been from a friend or friends in the GA Program. Now I am able to receive the monthly bulletin and the only missing thing is a real live meeting. Unfortunately, I will have to wait another year before I can attend a meeting. In the meantime my dear friends and this bulletin will be sufficient. Receiving this from GA does wonders for me and I am so glad I have been added to the mailing list.

I was able to secure a “prime seat” to watch Heroes. I was not disappointed with last night’s installment but once again the commercial interruptions seemed more than usual. Much like last week I wanted to talk about the episode but no one was interested in engaging with me. I realized it was a lost cause on my part and quickly returned to my bunk when it was over. I did want to mention that Eric Roberts (probably better known as Julia’s older brother) had a role on “Heroes.” He was an accomplished actor prior to the arrival of his little sister but as of late, I have not seen him in anything. I was surprised by his appearance and he did get older since the last time I saw him but this is what happens with everybody.

Last night being a “school night” I immediately went to sleep when the show was concluded. I needed a semi- good night’s sleep because the firefighting class started up again this morning. I woke up freezing and needed the extra blanket. Some of my dorm mates sleep with their wool hats on to keep warm.

The unlock after breakfast arrived a few minute late and I made my way over to the gate where I met up with other members of my class. Everyone was very serious because the big test for the 10’s and 18’s was today. The 10’s are the FIRE ORDERS and the 18’s are the WATCHOUT SITUATIONS. We were already to take the test and get it over with. Thankfully, the class was not cancelled but the fire captain we had for the first 2 days was off and we had a replacement for him. We were given 35 minutes to finish the test which I completed in 6 minutes. I breezed through it without any problems and checked it over twice. Everyone also breezed through it and mostly everyone was done in 15 minutes.
We still have 18 people in the class and as I have mentioned only 17 will move on to Day 5 because the vehicle which moves us to the hillside only fits 17 people.

The entire day was spent watching videos and the Fire Captain gave a 5 minute lecture on the safety of our tools. We were subsequently quizzed on this lecture and all but two of my classmates received a 100% on this quiz and the other 2 got one wrong. We did see a very interesting documentary produced by PBS on the huge wild fire in New Mexico back in 2000. The fire started as a “prescribed burn” – which means it was intentionally started by fire fighters to clear out dead brush – but quickly got out of control and burned thousands of acres while destroying 235 homes. This was a very tragic series of events. The documentary also detailed the work of a group of fire fighters from Southern California called the “Hot Shots.” This is an incredible group of men and women who travel around the country between May through November fighting the most difficult wild fires. They are paid $10.00 an hour – plus overtime – and are on the road for almost six months away from their families. These are incredible people who are dedicated to fighting these fires and are obviously not in it for the money. I was very impressed with their tremendous work ethic and determination. This documentary was the best video we have seen and also the most recent. All of the other videos appear to have been made in the 1950’s but the message was clear – SAFETY COMES FIRST!

Part Two the Medical Appointment

I arrived on time for the 11:00 am appointment. I knew I was in for a long wait when I saw a full waiting room. After one hour the nurse called me and took my vital signs. My blood pressure was 110 over 69 and my heart rate was 46 beats per minute. I was also weighed and my weight has not fluctuated since the last time which was back in December. I still weighed 149 pounds fully clothed with boots on. (This will be a big issue later, please be patient) After the vital signs were taken I returned to my seat in the waiting room where I waited another hour before the doctor called me. Yes, it took two hours before I was seen, but this is part of the program and standard operating procedure. The doctor was well aware of why I was there – to reinstitute the protein drinks. However, the policy has changed since I last saw him when he prescribed the drinks. The doctor greeted me and immediately wanted to weigh me again. I told him I was already weighed and we went back to his office.

This can be a very long story so I will try to condense it. While we were in his office, he took my height without boots which is 5 feet 9 ½ inches. He then calculated my body mass index. As he was doing this calculation, I was acutely aware of what he was doing. He was trying to prove my need for the protein drinks. Prior to the body mass index calculation, I said to him it might be better if I weighed without the boots since he calculated my height without them. I hopped on one of the scales which had me weighing 150 pounds. I didn’t understand how this could be and the doctor said, “I don’t like this scale; try the other one.” I moved to the other scale and weighed in at 143 pounds without the boots. This was more like it and I have actually gained 2 pounds since my incarceration started last July. The doctor seemed to agree with this weight and we proceeded back to his office. He then recalculated my body mass index at 21. I thought this was high and I thought it would be 19 which is obviously on the thin side.

Oops! I am going out of sequence. Before we made our way over to the scale, we saw another doctor in the hallway. At the time I didn’t realize this was the Chief Medical Officer. My doctor showed this doctor my stomach and ribs in hopes he would get me clearance for the drinks. He went on about how much running I could do and how active I am and how the protein drinks were necessary. The other doctor was not buying any of it and said, “He is naturally skinny and he is not here to muscle it up.”

My doctor was not deterred by this answer as we went toward the scale. Back in his office the doctor sat silently over my medical file trying to think of something. As he was thinking I asked him what he knew about the possible early release of some inmates. He then gave me the Friday edition 2/23 of the San Francisco Examiner or Chronicle and showed me an article relating to this topic which was on the front page. I asked him if I could read the article while he was thinking about what to do. He said, “Of course.” I won’t go into the contents as it will make this story even longer.

After a few minutes of deep contemplation, my doctor took me over to another doctor seeking a third opinion. This doctor was of no help and said if I wanted to gain some weight I should stop exercising. I didn’t take too kindly to this remark, and said something like, “That’s absurd.” But I did say it in a dignified manner.

She then said, “We could probably prescribe 3 hot fudge sundaes per day and you still wouldn’t gain any weight.”

Again, I was a little less dignified this time and said, “I wouldn’t eat the sundaes anyway.” Somehow after this exchange, we managed to agree to disagree and my doctor saw that she was of no help.

I really must give my doctor tremendous credit because he tried his hardest. After this latest rebuff, he took me into the Associate Warden’s Office to plead my case (I knew I opened up a can of worms when I wrote that memo a week and a half ago, but I didn’t realize all this would transpire). The Warden wanted to help but his hands were tied since the decision on the protein drink policy came from a higher authority. My doctor did tell the Associate Warden to move me out as soon as possible so I could get more food. He even went as far as stating my last name several times. I’m not sure if this is good, bad, or neither, but now the Associate Warden knows my name. My doctor still wouldn’t give up and sought out the first doctor we saw earlier. He found him and it was here that I discovered it was the Chief Medical Officer who implemented the protein drink policy. The three of us had a very good discussion and as it turns out I am just not skinny enough to receive the drinks. Go figure? As we were talking, the Chief medical Officer said to me. “You look like you don’t belong here. Why are you here?”

I can now sum up my deeds in one sentence. “I made a grave error in judgment and I am being rightfully punished for this huge error!” I did follow up with compulsive gambling addictions but I did not go into a big discussion.

After this conversation, I thanked my doctor for going beyond the extra mile and I appreciated all he did for me. He told me to get myself to a fire camp and if I do lose weight or feel sick to come and see him anytime. I was amazed at the lengths my doctor went through and now the issue of the protein drinks is dead. He did mention the appeal process but it is not worth it. I am maintaining my weight and frankly getting the protein drinks was a hassle. I only wrote the memo based on principle and as it turns out other inmates are losing their drinks because they do not fit the new policy which is only inmates who are severely malnourished with BMI’s of 15 or below and those with severe medical conditions such as hepatitis and HIV. I certainly don’t fit that criteria and I suspect all the other inmates who are currently receiving these drinks will soon have them taken away very shortly.

The medical staff of the CDC has been much maligned over the years. However, someone must be looking out for me because I am blessed with a doctor who truly cares. I wrote this the first time I met this doctor back in November and today he exceeded my expectations. He did all he could without getting into trouble and I respect him immensely. Even though I was not able to get the protein drinks, I felt very satisfied with today’s outcome. I am very happy I wrote that memo earlier because now I know I did all I could and I accept the outcome wholeheartedly.

Part One Self-Imposed Lockdown

February 26 Self Imposed Lockdown

I believe it is Lionel Richie who sings “Easy as a Sunday Morning”. Well yesterday being a Sunday was not and all of the previous Sunday mornings are not exactly “easy” while I am in a place like this. It was a pouring down, miserable, dreary day. As I was outside leaving the dining hall to go back to the dorm, one of my dorm mates had made a shift raincoat out of a plastic bag. It was quite clever because it protected his head and coat. As he walked past one of the CO’s, he called over and told to give-up this makeshift raincoat. Apparently, according to the CO, the plastic bag is state property and he destroyed it so he is not allowed to wear it. The sad part about this is the dorm mate is elderly and just wanted to keep dry. He only made it two steps out of the dining hall before being asked to give it up which he did begrudgingly and walked back to the dorm in the pouring rain. He did get very wet as did everyone else.

It was certainly a perfect morning for sleeping in. However, I don’t really like to sleep during the day and I did stay awake enjoying the peace and quiet of the dorm. I took advantage of this time to write and to do more studying. There are good days and bad days along this journey. Thankfully, the good days outweigh the bad days. There are also sad days and I believe the weather of yesterday made it a sad day. I settled into my bunk staring at pictures of my family. It rained all morning and I didn’t have much to do so my mind went to them. I also revisited the misdeeds of my past. This is never a good thing but sometimes my mind ventures back to the past. Thankfully, it was only a visit and I didn’t dwell on anything. The past is gone and there is nothing I can do to change those horrible events. I can only concentrate on today and although it was a sad day, I know that everything will work out well thanks to my recovery. Dwelling in the past is detrimental to my recovery and the key is to recover and not move backward. I continue to move ahead in a positive manner (some days are more difficult than others) and the benefits of recovery are astonishing. I am making it with recovery in my life and I know without it, I have no chance.

As I finished working out inside, the afternoon yard was opening and the rain subsided. At this point I was a sweaty mess and I could have gone out and did some running or the Harvard Wall. It was still cold and very windy so I gave myself a self-imposed lockdown as I remained inside the dorm all afternoon.

I spent most of yesterday afternoon reading the local newspapers and catching up on the local news. As I was reading, I realized it is going to be very difficult to start anew in this area for several reasons. The one main reason is housing costs are very expensive and any job would require a significant commute. Also, I’m not sure if I will have an option of where I can live upon my release because of the parole conditions. I have drafted a letter to my attorney asking him questions regarding my parole. I have to start now and I have to start planning for the future. Some of the decisions my wife and I have to make may have already been decided for us so it would be good to know this before coming to any decisions. The one very pressing issue is where I can live upon my release and this needs to be answered. Hopefully, my attorney will get back to me with answers prior to next year so I can move forward.
I must say the area in southern California where my family and I spent five years was very good in terms of all the special friends we met. It had a wonderful school system for our children and for me the GA group was excellent. I cannot predict what is going to happen upon my release, but I do know I will be with my family “somewhere” which has yet to be determined. I have a great deal of baggage to tend to upon my release in terms of restitution issues. I cannot allow myself to get overwhelmed with this because I must take it one day at a time.

As I was going over my study materials for the thousandth time, I received a ducat to go to medical on Monday. This was very good news but at the same time – bad – because I had a telephone call scheduled to my wife at the same time as my appointment. I must arrive on time – even though I will probably have to wait an hour – otherwise the CO’s will get very upset. Hopefully, this will be the last of the protein drink saga.

I remember one of the dreams I had last night. It had to do with me getting out before my release date. However, I didn’t go directly home to be with my family. One of the terms of the early release was that I had to spend 3 years in a halfway house. This was located in NJ about 2 miles away from where my family is currently staying. The odd thing was the halfway house was a bakery and I was assigned to live there and help with the business. The rules of staying there were very liberal and the owners whom I did not know were very kind and understanding. I was to report there the next day in a car much like the Honda Civic I had in college. I drove off down a main street and looked at all the old style stores – then I woke up. I am sure a psychologist would have a field day interpreting this dream. I won’t go into what I think is the meaning of this dream. I am just happy to be dreaming because it means I have reached a deep sleep.

On my way to the doctor’s appointment, I heard someone calling my name from one of the dorms on the upper tier. It was an inmate from my firefighting class who wanted to show me the quiz that we will be taking tomorrow. I quickly ran to his dorm to look at it. Yes, it was the actual quiz without the answers and I was able to answer all of the questions in about 4 minutes without missing any. I had to stop and think on a few of them but for the most past I breezed through it. He asked me if I wanted him to make me a copy which would have required him to handwrite the 18 questions. It was a very nice offer but I passed and knowing I could answer all the questions was enough for me. I thanked him profusely and made my way back down the stairs for my medical appointment.

Don't Tell Paul

I decided to join my Bunkie in his workout inside the dorm. Inmates on the whole are very creative and since we don’t have any free weights, they make them out of sandbags from the horseshoe pit (yes, there is a horseshoe pit) and sometimes the weights are made up of water bags with a broom handle. I used these for my workout.

My Bunkie could literally be my son since he is 20 years younger than me. Essentially he is a good kid but has a messed up dysfunctional life. He spent most of his teenage years in the Youth Activities Center which is a prison for teenagers. Apparently, he didn’t learn any rehabilitation methods during his stay there, but he did learn how to be an adult criminal. I have spoken with a few inmates who are well versed on the YA System and they all agree it is a training ground for future inmates of the CDC. I do feel badly for my Bunkie because if he continues his ways he has many unfortunate years ahead of him behind bars. He too is going to fire camp but I fear this program may not help him because he views the freedoms of the program much differently than I do. These freedoms may not be a good thing for him but I hope and pray he gets his life straightened out. He has a lifetime of many wonderful things to enjoy yet he is on the wrong path. Hopefully, he finds the right path and starts enjoying the positive qualities life has to offer.

All the necessary hygiene and eating rituals were out of the way so I started on the writing ritual. I finished up and now it was time to study the wild land terminology and safety measures. I am most likely putting too much pressure on myself over these quizzes and memorizations. I am a fairly (okay somewhat) intelligent person with an above (not too far above average IQ) yet I am fretting about memorizing 18 sayings. My self-imposed pressure is not limited to me because it seems everyone in the class is the same way. Yesterday afternoon, for almost 2 hours, I spent memorizing the 18 WATCHOUT SITUATIONS. I got out my legal pad and started writing these over and over again. Since I still have a few more days, I need to relax and pass the test.

Three of my dorm mates came back from early dinner and one of them whispered something to another dorm mate. After they were done whispering, the one dorm mate said, “Don’t tell Paul – he’ll spoil it,” as he looked over to me.

I knew this had something to do with another early release rumor. I instantly said, “Don’t tell Paul what?” He smiled but wouldn’t tell me so I asked him again and he finally broke down. This is a good one – apparently, the vocations (trade schools at the prison) are closing down starting with welding this week. The rumor has it that they are closing because all of us are soon to be released. Me being the realist chimed in, “How does this have anything to do with the early releases, surely there is a plausible explanation.

As soon as I said this, they said, “Yes, you are probably right but we can dream can’t we?” Sure they can dream but lately it seems that if something out of the ordinary happens, it is because we are all going home soon. This gets very tiresome which is why I focus on my release date of next year. By the way, as it turns out the welding classes are closing down because the teacher is retiring and they cannot find a replacement. The answer to all questions is not early release!

The yard ended at night and it was back to the dorm where I studied for a few minutes before falling asleep. During the evening the “Clothesline Police” were back again for a return visit. At 2:00 am the CO ripped and I mean RIPPED – loudly – down the neighbor’s clothesline and all his clothes fell to the ground. I was in a dreamlike sleep when this happened but had enough sense to pull my clothing down so I was not next. The CO didn’t touch my clothesline because all my clothes were down. This was the second Saturday night in a row this has happened to all different dorm members. It is quite unnerving seeing a CO three feet away from my bunk in the middle of the night yanking down the clothesline with a vengeance. Once again, the inconsistencies are glaring because the clothes can be fine for six consecutive days, yet on the 7th day they are not. Oh well, it appears that the best course of action is to keep the clothes down on Saturday nights. This way there shouldn’t be any issues. I keep saying to myself, “This is only temporary and I will be back with my family soon enough.” Soon enough will be here before I know it.

Safety Certainly Comes First

Safety is paramount when fighting fires especially in the wild lands. The emphasis in the class for the first 2 days has been on safety. Lets face it- an injured or worse yet – dead firefighter is of no use to anyone so we must keep safe at all times. I have watched videos on how wild land firefighters have gotten seriously burned in fires. A few months ago 5 firefighters were killed in a fire located in Southern California wild land not far from where I want to get sent to fire camp. Sometimes the fires are very unpredictable and the key is once again awareness. Even while working, digging, and cutting – we are required to keep an eye on the fire at all times. I can imagine that it is very exhilarating in a wild land fire and also chaotic. The fire captains see to it that the chaos is organized. I learned yesterday that back in the 1980’s, Yellowstone National Park had a huge fire which destroyed hundreds of thousands of acres which lasted for 2 ½ months. There were thousands of firefighters on hand but the only way the fire was extinguished was by Mother Nature – the rains came. The footage of the fire was incredible as it seemed to move with a vengeance. Nothing could stop this fire and all the best efforts by the firefighters were tried. I hope I don’t get to experience something of this magnitude because it was much too destructive and many firefighters were injured. Frankly, if I would be content working on projects throughout the remainder of my sentence and if I don’t experience a fire I wouldn’t be disappointed.

While waiting for the unlock I decided to get in a quick 3 miles of running which whet my appetite for more exercise. When I got back to the dorm I decided to do 500 pushups. After eating my soup with tuna fish and mustard, I decided to listen to the radio trying to confirm the latest prison overcrowding rumor.

Lately the overcrowding rumors are coming fast and furious and apparently it is my job to decipher what is fact or fiction. Anytime one of my dorm mates hears something about this issue, they immediately come to me. My rendition of these rumors is somewhat different than most of the other inmates. When they hear something, it immediately becomes fact and if what they have said was true, I would be with my family already. I always give the “reality” version of the information which is until something happens - to me I won’t believe anything I hear. The latest article states that the Governor will consider releasing the “old” and the “sick” early from their sentences. The reality of the situation is that no one is being released before their sentence is served since nothing as of yet has been mandated by the Governor. I am concentrating on my new release date which will hopefully be February of next year. I will receive this new release date when I arrive at fire camp so until I learn otherwise I have one more year to go before I get to be with my family. This is what I tell everyone who asks about the early releases; concentrate on your present release date and anything earlier –consider a blessing.

I am able to separate fact from fiction and in my opinion - which I have shared with my dorm mates - is something will happen but it won’t happen for a few more months. What this something is, I really don’t know. However, the state of California is in a crisis within the prison system which I have witnessed firsthand over these last 7 months. I have no idea where all the new inmates are going to be housed because it seems every dorm here is full for the first time in the past few months. It seems logical to me that something has to give and the overcrowding must be relieved.

I was able to stay awake past 10:30 pm writing but it was time to go to sleep. The temperature had dropped once again and the dorm is without any heating so during the night it gets cold. Even though it has gotten so cold, two of my dorm mates like the ceiling fan on. Earlier on when I arrived here, I was rather timid about turning the fan off but after 4 months I have gained some courage. Last night before I went to sleep I turned off the fan. However, 30 minutes later it was back on. Finally somewhere during the night the ceiling fan was turned off but yet again 20 minutes later it was back on. Finally somewhere during the night it was turned off for good. If the weather remains cold, I can see the ceiling fan becoming a problem. It does seem only 2 of my dorm mates want the fan on and the other 34 want it off – the numbers are in my favor. Hopefully, nothing will arise from this silly issue but this is prison and stupid things happen. By the way one of my dorm mates wants the ceiling fan on because it keeps the “dust down”!

Strip Shack

It was hard to believe how fast yesterday went by. It seems as if I was standing in the pouring rain waiting for the class to start and then it was time to head back to the yard. There is a downside to being outside the gates for the fire training. Not only was I drenched earlier in the day as well as extremely cold but I was subjected to the “strip shack.” This represents the reality of my situation in prison. Since we are outside the prison going on hikes in the mountains when we come back we must strip down before going back into the yard.

The “strip search” is an outdoor podium where several CO’s stand and inspect all the inmates as they arrive back inside the gates. The process is somewhat efficient as 9 inmates enter the podium and strip down while the CO’s go through out clothes for contraband. The air was quite cool – in the 40’s – and I actually felt better without my clothes than with my wet clothes on.

I almost had a very embarrassing moment yesterday as I was progressing through the “strip shack”. Inmates are required to wear only state issued clothing when going outside the gates which covers “all” clothing. Well, I was wearing state issued clothing with the exception of my underwear. About a week and a half ago, my white laundry bag did not come back from the laundry (for the third time). I had a difficult time rounding up the CO to give me the lost laundry slip. I finally got hold of him about a week later but the since the PFT class started I haven’t made my way over to laundry to receive new clothing. I only had one “state issued” underwear – boxers – and they were still drying as I departed to class yesterday so I wore my own. As I was stripping down the CO reminded me that only “state issued” clothing must be worn when going outside the gates and he also told me I could lose the personal underwear which means he would take them at this point. I did respond in a pleading tone letting him know I was unaware of this policy and it would never happen again. I guess the CO thought I was sincere or pathetic because he let me keep the underwear. If he took them, it could have been a very embarrassing situation for me!

Before entering the dorm, I found out that our dorm was searched earlier that morning and apparently after the CO’s didn’t find anything, they realized they were in the wrong dorm! They were supposed to go to the dorm next door. When I first heard about the search, my thoughts turned to my peanut butter stash and I wondered if it survived this search as it survived the previous searches. The unlock came and I went directly to my locker. I realized it was most definitely searched as all the items were out of place. The other day I had arranged everything in order. However, the peanut butter was still in my locker as was the lone cardboard shelf. I had to rearrange the items but nothing was missing even the banana was still there.

I decided to stay in and not go to dinner since the meal was pasta with meat sauce and it was still pouring outside. So, the rest of my evening consisted of studying and doing homework. I had to look up 122 fire terminology definitions. I could have obtained the answers but I wanted to do this right way and learn the material. I was second guessing myself as I spent over 3 hours completing the assignment but I felt good knowing I did it myself. In the process I was able to study for the quizzes since they were on terminology. I ended up going to sleep after 10:30 pm because of the lengthy homework.

The entire day yesterday went by so fast and as I laid in my bunk I was asleep within minutes. However, I woke up a few hours later shivering. It was very cold inside the dorm and the fan was even off. All of our heating ducts have been sealed off because there isn’t a way to control the temperature. Either it is very hot or very cold. Last night I had to add a second wool blanket and with this I was still cold. My goodness, I have no idea how I am going to live in a cold climate because with my thin blood and lack of body fat, I seem to be cold all the time. I guess if the Global Warming continues I won’t have to concern myself with living in a cold climate because all climates will be warm!

The only exciting thing which happened at breakfast was I had 2 bananas in my hat ready to take out of the dining hall but as soon as I saw the Sergeant standing to the exit, I quickly threw out the bananas. I really don’t make a good thief! (Hmm, maybe that’s why I am here) I walked up to the Sergeant to get my vegetarian lunch and he once again asked for my card. I quickly showed him my chrono and once again explained the whole card scenario. I’m not sure if I was rude ant this point but I did tell him it was okay and started to walk out of the dining hall. He said something, but I kept walking and I am really tired of the same old “card inquisition” and didn’t want to engage in any further conversations. He didn’t seem upset at all and hopefully the next time I see him he won’t ask me for the card. By the way, he never did search me for the bananas so I could have taken them, oh well!!!

The fire class started much like yesterday with a video but unlike yesterday, we were given the first quiz. It was 20 multiple choice questions all on fire terminology. These quizzes are very important because there are 18 students in the class but only 17 will be able to advance. One person will be eliminated because only 17 inmates fit in the fire vehicle which will transport us to the hiking trails on day five. The student with the lowest score on the quizzes will be eliminated and have to repeat the class. I’m not going to take anything for granted because I want to move on.

The quiz was given orally through a video which I believe is to eliminate any reading deficiencies that some of the inmates may have. The 20 questions were fairly basic but a few were worded a little tricky. There was only one question I was uncertain on and I changed my original answer. As it turns out my initial response was correct but since I changed it, I got it wrong. I was a little angry with myself because I did want 20 out of 20. I guess 19 out of 20 isn’t so bad but the highest score was 20 out of 20 and the lowest was 17 out of 20. The next test will be on Tuesday and I do believe someone will be eliminated on this and that someone won’t be me because this is too important for me to mess up on!

Day 2 of the class also went very quickly and from what I have observed life in a fire camp is very hard work. These projects range from painting community centers to clearing brush in the wildland. Whatever the project is, it is very labor intensive. This will be good for me because I need it. Also the work on the fire is basically digging, clearing, and cutting trees, brush, etc. We may get to run a hose line if it is a brush fire but for the most part I will be “digging ditches”

Not only will I receive 1/3 time for my duties at fire camp, I will be paid as well. Each day I am at fire camp I will earn $1.00 per day. However, when I go to a fire, I will earn $1.00 an hour from the time I leave the camp to the time I get back. Some very big wild land fires can take 2 to 3 weeks to control. I can be on the fire “campaign” for those weeks – sleeping, eating, fighting the fire the whole time in the wild land. Some inmates have earned $1500. to $2000. for a fire season. The math is easy: they spent 1500 to 2000 hours in fires for a few short months. I don’t like to speculate but with the lack of rain Southern and Northern California have received this past year, it could be a very long season. I do know that the next 12 months will be very interesting and will also fly by. I know it is going to be very hard work but this is certainly something I need and I do look forward to it very much.

FTP Training

After finishing the Harvard Wall, I attempted to call my wife. I thought I would try her directly and if that didn’t work I would go through the Bail Bonds Company. Much to my surprise, my first attempt to call went through without incident. I was caught by surprise when she answered the phone. I asked her why the call went through today but not yesterday. She told me she paid the bill earlier in the day by calling MCI – the company who has been contracted by the prison to process the collect calls – directly since she never received a bill. Apparently with all the deregulation and now consolidation of the telephone companies collect calls no longer appear on a regular telephone bill if they are provided by a different carrier. This was the case for my wife as she had no idea when she was going to get billed for my collect calls. MCI has $100.00 threshold before they block the collect calls. The threshold was hit and that is why I was unable to connect with her the night before. My wife had to do some investigating on her own earlier in the day to see how to rectify the missing bill. She was able to contact MCI and pay the bill via the telephone and the block was taken off.

I don’t understand how a company cannot send out a bill for these collect calls in a timely manner. I wonder how much money remains uncollected from having this procedure. As my wife explained, she has to keep track herself before reaching $100.00 because once this amount is reached the collect calls from me will be blocked. There has to be a better less expensive way for me to call her direct. Long distance rates are now very inexpensive and there are low priced carriers out there; however, it appears MCI has an exclusive contract with the CDC. I have seen fliers where inmates can purchase blocks of time for the collect calls. I have passed the phone numbers onto my wife but she has not been able to speak with anyone form these companies as she has received busy signals each time she has called. I do need to limit the collect calls to my wife because each time it costs between $12.00 and $15.00 which is ridiculous. I will start using the Bail Bond Company once again to bring down the cost of calls. Once a week will have to suffice because my wife is working with a very limited budget (all because of me) and there is no need to add to her expenses.

My routine has been altered for the past week since I got assigned to the FTP class. The class hasn’t started yet and I feel as though I am in limbo. I have made the best of this past week but something is missing. I have also scaled back my reading as I have been studying the fire fighter materials. I still haven’t memorized the WATCHOUT SITUATIONS which is an acronym for the safety hazards. Here they are:

W ind increases and / or changing direction
A ttempting frontal assault on fire
T errain and fuels make escape to safety zones difficult
C annot see main fire and not in contact with anyone who can
H otter and drier weather
O n a hillside where falling material ca ignite fuel below you
U nfamiliar with weather and local factors influencing fire behavior
T aking a nap near a fireline
S pot fires across fireline
I nstructions and assignments unclear
T here is unburned fuel between you and the fire
U niformed on strategy, tactics, and hazards
A nchor point not established while construction fireline
T he fire has not been scouted or sized up
I n ??? not seen in daylight
O perating on a hill with fire below you
N o communication link with crew members
S afety zones and escape routes not identified

There were 19 of us in the fire training class and all but one of us made it out to the classroom. The one person who didn’t make it did not match his picture and he was turned back. I had to fill out at least 6 forms and then the captain entered the classroom. He is an older man with a no nonsense attitude and some inmates labeled him the “toughest” captain. I didn’t find him tough, I found him very knowledgeable and he wanted all of us to learn the material to stay safe out there which is the most important aspect of being a wild land fire fighter.

The rest of the day was spent watching very old and outdated videos on fire camps and fires. I am very fortunate to be placed in this program because only 3000 inmates out of 174,000 make it into the fire camp program. I learned more than I ever wanted to learn about the atmospheric conditions influencing fire behavior. All throughout the videos, the underlying theme is something my father told me about since he is a retired fire fighter. He told me to be very aware of my surroundings when I am fighting a wild fire and this was echoed all throughout the day.

That Damn Telephone!

Considering I wasted all morning waiting for the Nurse there was no reason for me to stay out in the yard until it closed only 40 minutes later. I wanted to workout but those plans quickly were altered as I waited for the nurse. I thought I would be better served if I went back into the dorm prior to the closing of the yard. I did this and decided o eat lunch even though I planned on running in the afternoon. I wanted to experiment since I have been able to exercise after eating breakfast I thought why not lunch. Also, I was very hungry at this time and needed something to eat. Somehow I ended up with 3 bananas from breakfast over the weekend and had 2 remaining. I knew I had to eat the bananas very soon as they ripening quickly. So I made yet another PB and banana sandwich for lunch. I am able to get 2 sandwiches with one banana and two peanut butter pouches. I ate both sandwiches which may not have been a good idea since I was planning on running 10 miles in the afternoon. I also had enough time to start writing before I went out into the afternoon. Unbelievably the 2 hours passed very quickly and it was time to go outside.

As I ran I could feel the rather large lunch I had a few hours earlier and I didn’t like the feeling. I much prefer to have little to nothing in my stomach while running. Also, as I approached mile 5 I could feel a very faint twinge in my right knee. I know my body very well (I may not listen to it very well) and could tell where this twinge was leading. I’m not the smartest guy in the world (as evidence by my current situation) so instead of cutting the run short I continued. Fortunately the little twinge stayed little and I was able to complete the 10 miles but this 10 miles was so much harder than the 16 miles on Sunday, go figure.

Since I ate earlier in the day there wasn’t any need for me to eat at this time so I waited for the “mail call”. The mail call came and I received 2 letters postmarked some 17 days ago. This seems to be the case lately as the mail is running 2 ½ weeks behind. In those 2 letters I received great correspondence from a dear friend and my mother. My mother was also kind enough to enclose some editorials on the California Prison crisis.

I enjoy all the correspondence I receive especially those who write about the outside world. I am so fortunate to receive so much mail which keeps me in contact with the outside world. Many of my dorm mates seem to never receive mail so their “real world” are these “prison walls”, sad very sad. I am always encouraged when I receive mail and know I am on the right road to recovery. Everyone in my life is a special person and I am enjoying a special life. Reading the mail not only helps me to pass the time, it helps me stay in touch with the people who matter and I thank everyone for their tremendous support.

The yard opened in time enough for my 7:30 pm telephone call, I even had time to walk 2 laps with my friend prior to the phone call. I was fully prepared to speak with my wife and now that I was out in time for the phone call I thought there shouldn’t be any problems. Well, just when I thought I have experienced it all with the telephone something different cam up. I dialed my wife’s telephone number (actually it is my mother-in-law’s telephone number) and received a recording stating there is a block on the number and the call would not go through. I thought I may have misdialed so I dialed the number again and received the same recording. Oh great not another problem with the damn telephone. I need to back track a bit, my friend has not been able to speak with his girlfriend for the past 2 months because she too had a block on her telephone. She has tried unsuccessfully to remove this block for the past 2 months. As I heard the recording this went through my mind and thought I wouldn’t be able to speak with my wife and children for at least 2 months, I was very frustrated. Then I dialed my mother’s telephone number in hopes of getting through to her and letting her know what is going on with the telephone. Thankfully I was able to connect with my mother and I did let her know about the telephone block preventing me from speaking with my wife. As I spoke with my mother I was very down and was not myself. I was thinking the worse case scenario which was not being able to speak with my wife for some time. Unlike the conversation I had with my mother on Sunday I was not very talkative and I need to apologize for my actions. I know these circumstances are beyond my control and I need to do a better job of letting these events go. However; in the heat of the moment it is very difficult to let go and let things happen so I apologize to my mother for my down attitude.

My mother was great (as usual) taking down all the necessary information to pass along to my wife. My mother did have some questions to ask me so it did work out well that I called her last night. The minutes on the telephone passed as quickly as they normally do and our conversation was over. Now I just have to wait and see how long it will take for the block to be removed so I can speak with my wife and children. Last night I was not thinking clearly regarding getting in touch with my wife on the telephone. There are other ways to contact my wife such as through the Bail Bonds Company who have assisted in contacting my wife in the past. This has to be accomplished during regular business hours, Monday through Friday, thus the window to call my wife is certainly narrowed down. However, I will find a way to get in contact with my wife very soon. Initially I was thrown for a loop but the longer I think about it the more I realize it is not that bad.

I was not my usual self last night after the “blocked” telephone call. Even my friend had to make sure I was okay. We only walked about 2 miles as I am breaking in the new hiking boots and the weather was much cooler than normal. I was able to sign up for another telephone call for Thursday but I didn’t know if I will be able to call my wife. I do have the time and it won’t hurt just to dial the telephone number. After the telephone sign-up I want to go back into the dorm, however; I missed the unlock and had to wait until the yard was closed to get back in. Once I got back in I made oatmeal because I could feel myself falling into all four categories of HALT (hungry, angry, lonely, and tired) and I had to check myself. I was getting over my anger with that damned telephone. I am most certainly lonely even though I have met some very good people all through this journey but right now I am doing my best. Finally I get tired at the end of the night but during the day I am fine. I am not about to jeopardize my recovery by doing something stupid because that would only make matters worse. I understand things happen but I have complete faith that everything happened for a reason and everything will be fine. Yes, frustrations are inevitable in a place like this but in one year’s time this will all be over and I will be a better person.

Waits Are Endless

I surprised my friend yesterday by asking him to run a mile. My friend has a problem regarding running the mile in the required 9 minutes so as the yard opened yesterday afternoon I more or less told him I would run the mile with him. I left him little opportunity to say no and he somewhat begrudgingly agreed. A 9 minute mile is the last exercise on the PFT test and many students have difficulty with this run. My friend falls in this category but with practice the run is really no big deal. We started the run and made the first lap in the required 3 minutes. However; shortly after this lap my friend started breathing very heavily. This happens to so many people when they run and the only remedy is to relax so I told my friend to relax. He did relax a little but halfway through the second lap he wanted to stop. I was not going to let him stop since he was right on pace for the 9 minute mile. When he informed me he was quitting I told him “oh no, you can do another lap.” Much to my surprise he did the next lap and finished the run in 8 minutes and 56 seconds. When I showed him the stopwatch with this time he was elated and now has confidence with the run. As we crossed the finish line he wanted to stop and basically sit down but I wouldn’t allow him as I told him to walk a lap. Amazingly he continued to follow my directions. This unexpected mile run proved to be very rewarding for both of us. The look of joy on his face as he saw the time on the stopwatch was indeed priceless. I was happy to help my friend and everything worked out well.

I was able to get in and out of the shower right before it was time to leave for dinner. Last night was one of the dinners I actually look forward to because it was once again Mexican night. As I reached the front of the line to receive my tray even the very nice C/O commented “at least this is a filling meal for you” I agreed with her and said “yes, it is one of the few where I can count on getting full.” I did receive two servings of Spanish rice and two servings of Mexican beans. The meal was indeed filling but certainly lacking in flavor.

Returning to the dorm from dinner meant I would be inside all night long. Having finished a book earlier in the day and knowing I will be starting the firefighting training program this week I was hesitant to start a new book. I had one local newspaper to read but this was missing an entire section on California and World News so I got through it rather quickly. I was waiting for “Heroes” to start and this being sweeps month (February) I knew it would be an interesting show. It was a very interesting show and I realized something as the show was airing and when it was over, even though 16 of my dorm mates watch the show no one discuss the content. I find myself asking open-ended questions to get a dialogue started but no one wants to engage in a conversation. The same thing happens when I lend out books to my dorm mates. They return me the books when they have read the books and all I get is “thanks”. No one ever comments on whether they enjoyed it or not. Once again I try to engage in a somewhat meaningful conversation but it seems to fall on deaf ears.

After “Heroes” I was up walking back to my bunk from the bathroom area and one of my dorm mates said to me “what are you doing up so late?” (It was after 10:00 pm). They were concerned because I am always in my bunk at this time. I assured them I was going to sleep right then and not to be concerned. I have established a regimented routine even my dorm mates are aware when I am awake too late.

This morning meant I had to dress in my “Oranges” in hopes of finally starting the firefighting training program. I sort of knew there was little chance the class would start but I still had to get dressed and go through the motions. I was up, dressed, and watching the local news by 6:00 am. Breakfast time is getting closer to normal since it was only a few minutes late this morning. At this point I went over to the gate and lined up for the FTP class. I was correct and my class did not meet today. I have surmised that the class won’t start until Thursday since all the classrooms are occupied and one will be available on Thursday.

It was sort of good the class didn’t meet because I received a ducat to see the Nurse in regards to the memo I sent to the doctor about the protein drinks. I am still somewhat wary of doing this but there is no turning back now. My appointment was for 9:30 am but since I was already out in the yard I showed up at 9:00 am. However; I didn’t get to see the nurse until 10:15 am. She explained to me tat only inmates with severe medical needs and severe weight loss can obtain the protein drinks now. I completely understand but this is not what is happening. The only reason I was singled out was because I was wearing my PFT Instructor uniform as was the other Instructor. Other inmates are receiving the protein drinks without interruption. I told her that the doctor told me to contact him if the protein drinks was cancelled, this is what I was doing. She then asked me if I wanted to see the doctor. Yes, I wanted to see the doctor but it really isn’t that simple. I don’t want anything interfering with the FTP class and a ducat to see the doctor could cause me to get kicked out of the class. The class does not meet on Mondays so I wanted to ensure the appointment was on a Monday. The nurse could not guarantee this but did note it on the chart she sent to the scheduler.

She did tell me that if the appointment to the doctor does conflict with the FTP class I could re-schedule the appointment without any problems. I took her word for this but I also had her write this down on both the note to the scheduler and the paperwork she gave me so I was covered. Yes, I am probably making a big deal about these protein drinks but now it is a matter of principle. It would be great to get in to see the doctor this Monday so there wouldn’t be a conflict, this is most likely wishful thinking but at least I think I covered myself properly if there is a conflict, only time will tell. Once again the waits are endless but it is all worth it.

Looking Ahead

When I completed the 50 lap run yesterday I was doing a short stretching routine out in front of my dorm. I was on the ground stretching out my legs as my friend came around towards the dorm while walking on the track. He saw me on the ground and called out to see if I was okay. He told me he has never seen me lie down on the ground after running and that I was exhausted. I quickly told him I was just stretching but my friend couldn’t help himself to make this into a joking situation. As he saw a few of my dorm members congregating in front of the dorm he proceeded to tell them I collapsed after running and had a great deal of fun at my expense. I was not offended in the least because I knew it was a joke and it did provide some levity. Later on yesterday evening my friend continued with the joke but unlike he did earlier when he demonstrated how I was lying on the ground he just recounted the story. Earlier he did demonstrate but as he got up from the ground he hurt his back a little. I told him that was God’s way of punishing him for making fun of me. All of this was in good fun and without some light moments this would be a very dark place.

The afternoon yesterday was spent inside the dorm as is required when there isn’t afternoon yard for my tier. I certainly prefer the early morning yard so I could get in a good exercise routine in order to relax the rest of the day. This was the case yesterday afternoon. Typically on weekend days when there is morning yard there isn’t a big rush on the showers when the morning yard is over. Most of my dorm mates choose to sleep in (probably invoking their “half-time” rule!) during the morning. Most of my dorm mates were in the television area watching the new movie “Pirates of the Caribbean Dead Man’s Chest: on the prison channel. While this movie was airing the dorm was eerily quiet. The quiet was enjoyable at first; I though something was wrong because it was well past quiet time but I discovered everyone was intrigued with the movie.

I completed writing prior to dinner and when dinner time rolled around I was not very hungry. However; I realized that if I didn’t go to the dining hall for dinner I wouldn’t eat anything the rest of the night. I went to the dining hall for the mashed potatoes and lime bean dinner. The portions weren’t very big hat was just as well because I wasn’t very hungry. This was more of a snack than a dinner which did hit the spot for me. Also, I made my “Bunkie” very happy when I gave him the rather large brownie on my tray and he didn’t even have to trade anything back to me in return. I was certainly done eating for the rest of the evening after the dinner snack. It was also evening yard night which was good because it meant I got to get out of the dorm for a few hours. Not only did I get out of the dorm I walked a few miles with my friend and was able to speak with my mother once again.

The telephone call was more productive/efficient than the telephone call from the day before. However; it still whizzed by and I couldn’t believe the time was up as the next group of inmates were fast approaching the telephones. We were able to cover a wide range of topics and my mother did tell me about the birthday party for my daughter and son which took place yesterday. Also, my mother told me about how my brother-in-law took my daughter to a Brownie function. This function was essentially a father/daughter gathering and of course I was sad that I was unable to attend. I was happy that my daughter was able to attend with her uncle. I am so blessed with a wonderful family and it is great to know my daughter is able to experience these things without me. Life most certainly goes on. I do doubt that when my time is served I will be able to attend a father/daughter “Brownie” functions because in one year’s time my daughter would have graduated to Girl Scouts. I most certainly look forward to attending many father/daughter functions including Girl Scouts when I return to my family. I am grateful for recovery which continues to provide me with great tings and I know as long as I work my recovery each day life is better.

We had to wrap up the telephone call in a hurry because my time was up. I felt like I could speak with my mother for hours and this is simply amazing because in the past - out in the free world - our conversations weren’t this good. This journey continues to amaze me because there is so much good that continues to come out of it. We said our goodbyes and I don’t know when the next time I will be speaking with my mother but whenever that is I am looking forward to it. At this point it was time to sign up for the telephone on Tuesday evening. Unfortunately I was not able to secure a sign up slot but there were other options such as my friend and one of his dorm mates who were able to secure slots. Both of them have had difficulty in connecting to their significant others so I should be able to use one of their time slots to call my wife. It is also hard to believe now I have developed a network (so to speak) of inmates who are providing me with options on the telephone sign up and other areas. I would have never guessed that this would happen when I started this journey 7 ½ months ago. I am very fortunate in so many ways.

I was able to venture in to the television area this morning to watch the local news and “Today Show” prior to breakfast. The breakfast was my favorite of pancakes, peanut butter and today the hot cereal was Farina. After breakfast I finished “Countdown” my Iris Johansen which turned out to be an okay novel. It seems as if there was more dialogue than other novels I have read, this did make for a quick read but the tone of the book felt different with so much dialogue. The author did refer to “silver mornings” which rang true with me and I can’t wait for these “silver mornings” when I return to my family. I have already experienced many of these but just didn’t realize it. Now I am fully aware of these and can’t wait to fully embrace each morning one day at a time for a lifetime.

Full Dorm

The phone call with my mother cut off and once again I felt a little frustrated with the telephone system. Obviously there is nothing I can do about it so I just shook my head and walked around the track. The yard was closing and it was time to go back to the dorm. When I walked in, I noticed that every bunk is filled with an inmate. All 36 of the bunks are filled and it is a full dorm. I believe it is the first time since my arrival here back in October that the dorm has been full. It never seemed to fall below 4 bunks unoccupied and now there aren’t any unoccupied bunks. It appears there has been an influx of inmates over the past 2 weeks. I’m not sure what is going on because of instead of relieving the overcrowding situation which has been mandated by a Federal Judge, this institution is doing the exact opposite. It appears to be more crowded here than it has ever been. Many of the inmates who reside in other dorms also report that their dorms are full. I’m not sure if this will have any affect on my transfer to fire camp such as speeding it up because space is needed here. There does appear to be a logjam somewhere in the prison system since there should be a fixed number of bunks available, yet more inmates keep arriving. I would be very interested in seeing the logistics which go into the shuffle of inmates as we make our way through the prison system.

One of the dilemmas of having a full dorm is the shower. I noticed there were about 17 dorm mates waiting when I arrived back from my visit. I passed on going to dinner for the black eyed peas which have tasted like “dirt’ over the past few months.

The rest of the evening was filled with writing and thinking about the wonderful visit I had. I was asked a few times if I had a “good” visit. I don’t know how a visit couldn’t be good especially since I had 2 friends who went out their way just to visit me. Also, during this visit I noticed the other inmates in the visiting room holding newborn children, holding hands with their wives or girlfriends and others were sitting and chatting with family and friends. How could any of this be bad? Everyone of these inmates looked happy. Yes, it could get a little depressing when the visit is over because it is back to the reality of prison. Thankfully, I was so happy from the visit I focused on the positive well after the visit was finished!

Back at the dorm, I was watching two of my dorm mates play chess on my neighbor’s bunk. I learned to play from my grandfather when I was around 8 years old. I remember playing a great deal when I was younger but it has well been over 25 years since I played. Even though my neighbor asked me to play, my recovery keeps me away from these games even without any wagering. I certainly wouldn’t mind teaching my son and daughter to play, but while I am here I will refrain from any game playing.

I was speaking to another inmate the other day. The neighbor sleeps 12 hours each day and somehow we got on the topic of sleeping. He did confess to sleeping this long as a way to get his “Half-time.” He must serve 80% of his sentence before he is eligible for parole. My neighbor rationalized if he slept 50% of his time he would effectively be serving only 50% of his time while he was awake. It is a rationalization, but I thought this was somewhat creative and sad because I’m not sure how sleeping 50% of the time prepares him for the real world when he is released. I’m fairly certain he is not independently wealthy and will have to obtain a job on his release. Sleep is necessary but 12 hours daily can interfere with many things including a steady job. The other sad part is he is only in his late 20’s and has a lifetime ahead of him to look forward to, yet with this attitude, he will miss half of it because he will be asleep.

I was able to fall asleep quickly with a smile on my face thinking about the wonderful day. However, my sleep was disturbed as the “Clothesline Police” reared their ugly heads. It has been a few weeks since they have shown up, but last night they were back. Fortunately, for me I had nothing hanging from my clotheslines so my bunk went undisturbed. Unfortunately, some of my dorm mates weren’t so lucky as their clotheslines were cut down and clothes thrown all over the floor. This was a big production as the CO’s made their presence known to everyone in the dorm.

With the dorm being full, it seems we have acquired some early risers because I am not the first person up in the morning anymore. Two of the new dorm mates got out of their bunks and made their way into the television area. Now if these new dorm mates continue waking up early there is no way I will over sleep because as soon as there is movement in the dorm, I wake up.

After breakfast, I stopped for my vegetarian lunch and was asked by the CO if I had the “vegetarian card”. I only received a response because I put in a request. I gave up on the CO who I had asked 3 weeks ago. The answer I received is exactly what I thought it would be – the Medical Department does not issue cards for vegetarians and the Chrono (authorization slip) is sufficient. Only the inmates who have religious reasons for being a vegetarian are issued the “Vegetarian Cards” by the prison chaplain. I explained this to the CO who looked at me rather strange when I was telling him this information but did say “okay” and I was the cheese lunch. I’m sure this won’t be the last of the “Vegetarian Card” issue so I am now prepared.

Visit #3

It was time for my telephone call to my wife. The conversation took a serious turn and I knew this was coming at some point. Frankly, I am surprised it took this long. Unfortunately due to my circumstances, there is little I can do to help. In fact, all I can do is make suggestions and then it is entirely up to my wife to make the decisions. This serious turn in the conversation is certainly part of the consequences of my compulsive gambling behavior which has affected my wife. I know we will somehow work through this dilemma but it won’t be easy. I can’t dwell on these very real issues because the damage is done and thankfully I am no longer adding to this. This damage will be around for a long time and eventually I will be more help but for now it all falls into my wife’s lap.

I felt badly when the conversation ended and our time was up. I didn’t like ending the call this way. Fortunately, my friend had a telephone call scheduled later and was able to connect. I used his phone time to call my wife back and offered her another suggestion. I felt much better when we ended this conversation than the prior one. I’m not sure what my wife is going to do, but I do know that everything is and will workout very well.

Shortly after 10:00 pm I went to sleep. I am still amazed I am able to fall asleep at this time with all the radios and laughter. I was eagerly awaiting my 3rd visit from two very dear friends who are coming from a long way. Since I was anticipating a visit, my morning routine was altered when I awoke. I shaved and showered and wanted to be fully ready when the unlock came for the visit. I was ready when the door was unlocked for breakfast, but I was missing a nice shirt. I was able to borrow a button down “blue” shirt from a former Instructor. I was happy to have a different blue shirt because mine aren’t very nice. I wanted to look my best for my dear friends.

Since there is no way of knowing the time of any visits, I sat on my bunk and waited patiently while reading. Finally around 10:15 am, the CO came into the dorm and called for the “White Guy”. I’m not sure why he referred to me that way since there are other “white guys” in the dorm but this is how he called me. I quickly put my book down, put my nice shirt on, and went out the door making my way towards the visiting area.

I went out the “Plaza Gate” and as I pushed the door open, I instantly spotted my two friends on my immediate right. They both looked great and we embraced each other with a fabulous hug. It has been over 7 months since I last saw these great friends. They traveled a very long distance just to visit me and I am truly honored. The visit today marked the fourth and fifth persons who have come here and each of these people I have known a very short period of time yet it is like we are old friends who are very dear and fantastic people.

The next 4 ½ hours flew by as the conversation centered on recovery and the extraordinary GA Program. Yes, I have met these friends through the program and the benefits keep on coming. I realize I have written a great deal about the GA Program and now I will continue. In 11 days I will reach the 2 year mark since my last wager and in this 2 years not only have I discovered an incredible program of recovery, I have developed lifelong friends. I spent today with 2 of these friends as we shared experience, strength, and hope. I couldn’t believe how fast the time went by and during our conversations I became quite verbal. As we spoke about recovery, my interest was at a high level because during my days here I am quite low key and other than my exercise and waiting, I don’t have a verbal outlet. It was so nice – heck it was great – to spend an entire afternoon speaking about recovery. All of us today are novices in the GA program but we certainly “get it” and know what it takes to recovery from this baffling addiction.

This was once again a fabulous visit and I am eternally grateful to my dear friends. They bought me food I can eat from the vending machines. They purchased two diet 7 ups, yogurt, sunflower seeds, and peanuts. We were able to get our pictures taken and I was able to take one back with me. We were also able to sit outside on a glorious sunny warm day talking. I had a smile on my face the entire time we were together. My dear friends had a very long drive to get back to Southern California so we had to say our “good-byes”. Again, we embraced for a great hug and as we hugged I thought how blessed a person I am, all thanks to the GA Program. I would like to thank my two fantastic friends for taking the time to make my day today extra special. Thank you!

As I walked back to the yard I still had a big smile on my face. I had a telephone call scheduled to call my father on his birthday. Unfortunately, I couldn’t get through because there was a block on his phone. Not everyone has the ability to accept collect calls which is the only way I can place a call. I wanted to wish my Dad a very Happy Birthday and also wanted to hear his voice. I have not spoken to him in over 7 months and thought today would be a special day to call him. Oh well, Happy Birthday, Dad and many more to come. I love you!

Since I couldn’t get through I tried to call my younger sister but she wasn’t home. I still had time left and I decided to call my mother even though I was going to call her tomorrow night. We didn’t have the full 15 minutes, we had about 11 minutes which seemed more like 11 seconds! The telephone call was abruptly cut-off as I was in mid-sentence. Thankfully, I can call her tomorrow because we really didn’t discuss much of anything. I talked about the fabulous visit and not much else. Hopefully, we can pick up where we left off tomorrow. If those 15 minutes on the phone go by as fast as the 11 minutes today did, this is always good because the faster time goes by, the faster I get to be with my family. All in all, today was one of those special days and my friends are exceptional people.

Here Comes More Waiting

I may have made a mistake. After spending almost 24 hours thinking about the protein drink issue I just couldn’t let it go. I realize that receiving these drinks has been a hassle from inception. Also, the numerous times I have waited in the very long pill line only to find out the protein drinks were out of stock. It seems everything surrounding these drinks has been a dramatic event. I most likely added to this drama because yesterday I wrote a very short polite memo to the doctor informing him that I am no longer receiving the drinks. Maybe I should have just forgotten about them and moved on, but I could not based on the principle. This principle is a belief that I should be treated like a human being not a member of a sub species. The MTA/CO who took it upon himself to stop these drinks for myself and the other Instructor appears to have overstepped his boundaries. I also realize I don’t have much recourse in these actions but I felt it necessary to do something. The “something” was a short memo to the doctor and hopefully I have not unearthed the proverbial “can of worms”. I won’t know anything until next week because typically it takes one week for the medical staff to get back to me. The last thing I want to do is make waves but something was gnawing at me to do something. Hopefully, the mistake won’t come back to haunt me.

There are so many possible scenarios running through my mind and I do hope my memo turns out to be much to do about nothing. I broke the law and I do deserve to be in a place like this, but that doesn’t mean I am any less human. I am fallible and I am paying for my mistakes and will be paying for these mistakes for a very long time. The monetary issue of my mistakes is very prevalent as is the loss of time from my family. I was insane when I did what I did but that does not excuse the behavior - it only explains the behavior. I have found sanity through my recovery but it doesn’t mean I won’t make mistakes. Writing the memo to the doctor could have been a mistake but I couldn’t look the other way. One of my character defects is I need to be liked and by doing this I neglect real emotions. I wanted to step outside my need to be liked because I felt I was placed in an unfair situation when the protein drinks were taken away. I did something which is very unusual for me and I won’t look back in regret. Whatever is going to happen will happen and I will keep moving forward.

Yesterday I walked around in my “Oranges” to try to break in my hiking boots. The goal of most inmates in this facility is to get to a fire camp. According to all the reports I have heard, fire camp is a world of difference from prison because there are no longer gates around the inmate. We’re free to roam the hillsides and valleys of California fighting fires and cutting brush. It is the best way to do time inside the prison system.

In the afternoon I was able to sign up for an afternoon telephone call to my father for his birthday. Also on Saturday there is a possibility that I may receive a visit from two of my dear friends who are coming a long way to visit. Once again the GA program displays its greatness because without the program in my life I would not have received any visits at all. I also would be truly living in an insane world. The benefits of the GA program are incredible and I am blessed to be part of it.

If everything works out once I finish the FTP, I will come back as an instructor until my transfer. I have heard some horror stories about inmates who have completed their training and have had to wait up to 4 months until being transferred to fire camp. Once again racism plays an integral part of the transfers to fire camp. They try to stay racially balanced and for some races it is taking a long time to reach fire camp. I am hoping I have built up enough of a rapport with the coach that he can use his influence to expedite my transfer. In the meantime, I have 8 days to get through the FTP class and once
I pass I will concern myself with the next step in the process.

As I got back to the dorm after dinner, I had the entire evening to finish THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS. All of my writing was completed and I did finish the book last night. All I can say is “WOW”! I can’t wait to see the movie because the book was excellent. I had tears in my eyes as I read the next to the last page and did everything I could not to start bawling. Crying in a place like this is not exactly an acceptable practice. I had to put the book down and compose myself before finishing the last page. This was truly an inspirational story and it reaffirmed by belief that life is so special and anything can happen – both good and bad. I was so glad to have read this book.

When I fell asleep last night, I couldn’t help thinking about the book and the exceptional story. Yes, the author – Mr. Gardner – turned out to be rich monetary wise but he defined rich in another term which had nothing to do with money. I understood every word he wrote because my life is also rich beyond my wildest dreams. I certainly am not rich monetary wise and if someone could be beyond broke, I am that someone; however, I have richness in my life that surrounds me. It took a very horrible situation to realize this richness, but I am forever grateful for the riches in my life with the start of my family and incredible friends. I cannot wait to get out of this place so I can firmly embrace these riches on a daily basis.

This morning after a normal sleep of waking up only once during the night I got dressed in my “oranges” and went into the television area. One of my dorm mates proclaimed, “You look like the world’s skinniest pumpkin!” I laughed at the comment because I do resemble a lanky pumpkin. For the first time I am wearing a belt and practicing lacing my boots in the dark. In spite of looking like a pumpkin, I am very proud of this new attire and as was the case yesterday, I received a few “congratulations” in the dining hall as I ate breakfast.

Oranges

As I mentioned earlier, the search of my dorm did not uncover any significant items; however, searches of other dorms turned up batches of pruno. Thankfully, my dorm has only produced one batch during the Christmas Holiday week but no other. There were some items in the dorm which went undetected and quite frankly I am surprised they weren’t’ found. I actually would have been happy if they were because they do create a nuisance – at least to me. However, they were not found so I just need to live with it. When the CO’s were doing their search yesterday in another dorm, they removed one of the vents to find a large plastic bag. They opened the bag only to find a note which read “HA HA”. Thankfully the CO’s had a good sense of humor and this story ran like wildfire throughout the yard yesterday.

Prior to dinner there was a knock at the window and one of my dorm mates told me I had a “telephone call”. A telephone call is when another inmate comes to the window or dorm and wants to talk to someone inside the dorm. When I got to the window I saw it was the inmate who I had spoken to about getting into the firefighting training class. As soon as I got there he handed me the “ducat” which informed me I was officially going to start the “Firefighter Training Class” today. I thanked the inmate. It was official and I didn’t do anything underhanded to get into the class. This was great because now I am well on my way to getting back with my family as soon as possible. As an aside – this inmate who handed me the ducat and who seems to have been shadowing me over these past two weeks had no ill feelings toward me since I cancelled the initial deal. However, based on the conversations I had with him over the past two days I have a feeling he was fishing for a “tip” because his words weren’t exactly genuine. I think he was hoping I would give him something for all his “hard work”. I may give him a few soups but my feeling is I was getting into the class no matter what he said or did. No matter I will keep the peace because I don’t want to create any unnecessary problems.

I had a smile on my face all afternoon and evening as I was very excited to start the training program. As I mentioned previously, I didn’t go to dinner because as the door opened I wasn’t dressed in my blues and didn’t want to rush.

During evening yard, I made my way over to the pill call line. The line kept getting longer and longer and I knew I would be line until the yard closed. When I reached the front I presented my ID card and the Medical Technician Assistant told me the protein drinks had been cancelled for me by the Chief Medical Officer. According to her paperwork, the drinks were cancelled yesterday. This was peculiar because I was able to receive them yesterday yet the paperwork stated that I did not receive any. This is also suspicious because as I reported previously, the CO who gave me the drinks yesterday wrote my name down on a white piece of paper, checked a box on the paper, and stuffed it into his shirt pocket. Apparently, he took it on his own to cancel not only my protein drinks but the drinks of another Instructor – yet an additional Instructor is still receiving his protein drinks. It is not the first time this has happened because when I first started receiving the drinks back in December, the lead Instructor had his drinks taken away by the same CO. When I spoke with the doctor, the drinks were quickly reinstated.
I was annoyed by the way they were cancelled. Part of me wants to do something about this yet there is another part of me that says to keep quiet. Technically, I am no longer an instructor because I have been assigned to the training program so the privilege of receiving the drinks could be lost. However, when the doctor prescribed them, he spoke of my duties as an Instructor and also my vegetarian diet. I do realize this is a small issue and I should let it go but I am having a difficult time doing this. There are times to live and let live but there are other times to take action. I am just not sure which category this current situation falls into.

This morning I received my new clothing for the firefighting training Program which is commonly referred to as “Oranges”. This nickname is quite appropriate because the long sleeve shirt and pants are both orange in color. Also, I was given a brand new pair of hiking boots replacing the work boots I was given upon my arrival almost 4 months ago. Normally, shoes, boots, or sneakers have a hard time adjusting to my high arched foot but these boots do feel good. I am sure I will develop blisters as I continue to wear them but the initial wear is fine. The pants I received have a 34 waistline because this is the smallest size they have in stock. Thankfully, I was given a belt or the pants would fall right off. Also the belt is adjustable and please believe me that I need all the “adjusts” from the belt in order to make the pants fit properly. I was fully dressed in the “Oranges” with the new hiking boots looking like a long thin PUMPKIN! I was ready to go to class but I will probably have to wait a few more days. Right now the classrooms are full and I have to wait for a classroom to clear.

This journey has been a whole new world for me and now I get to experience something I never thought I would in the firefighting of wildfires and I am very excited. I also never thought I would experience prison; however, I believe I continue to make the best of my journey and will continue to be a better person.

Happy Valentine's Day

The weirdness of yesterday continued as the afternoon yard was delayed because those inmates who have been on lockdown status for the past two weeks were allowed yard time during the lunch hour. I was wondering if these inmates were going to get some type of yard time since even prisoners in maximum security prisons receive at least 1 hour of outside time. Those inmates received a little over an hour; however, the yard time was limited to inmates on the upper tier. This meant my dorm mates who have been affected by this lockdown were unable to go outside. As I looked outside I was amazed as to how many inmates were affected by this lockdown and conceivably those outside only comprised of half the total affected. By the time this impromptu yard was closed and those inmates get back to the dorm, the afternoon yard was delayed about an hour. This hour delay was enough to cancel the PFT Plus class for the second time yesterday. The cancellation was just as well as I went directly to the pill call line which was rather short. I only had to wait 25 minutes (that represents a short wait) in order to receive the protein drinks. An odd event occurred as I received these drinks. The person handing them out was a C/O who has most likely been trained to dispense medication. As I received the drinks I noticed the C/O taking out a small white sheet of paper. On the paper he wrote my last name and checked some type of box on the paper. Then he folded it and slipped it into his shirt pocket. I found this rather unusual but I didn’t have the nerve to ask him what he was doing so I went about my business. I drank the drinks and went on to an afternoon exercise session.

Prior to exercising I was finally able to speak with my daughter and son. My friend had phone time yesterday afternoon and he only used a few minutes. I was able to use the rest of his phone time and speak with my family. I first spoke with my son who wasn’t fazed at the least that I didn’t speak with him on his birthday. He is such a great kid and told me he had a very good birthday. Then I spoke with my daughter and I apologized to her for not being able to speak with her on her birthday. She said, “That’s alright I understand.” She too is a wonderful child and I have been blessed with two outstanding children. Then my daughter told me all about her birthday and what a good time she had roller-skating with her friends. Finally I said good-bye to my daughter and she gave me kisses through the telephone and said, “I miss you sooooooo very much and can’t wait for you to come home.” I told her that I miss her as well and to take care of herself and I will see her soon. It was fabulous to talk with my children and I felt very good after speaking with them. I also spoke with my wife and then the time was up. This was an exceptionally good telephone call and I love speaking with my children.

I almost forgot to mention as I was speaking with my daughter she asked me “What’s a blog?” She wanted to know what it was because she always sees her mother typing it. I explained it to her this way; she has written a journal in the past and knows what a journal is so I told her a blog is the same thing as a journal but it is typed into the internet. She was satisfied with that explanation. My daughter has just turned 9 years old but she is very wise and not much gets past her. When I finally get back I look forward to having long very interesting conversations with my daughter which should be very educational for both of us.

The rest of the evening was spent back in the dorm on my bunk writing and listening to the radio. The few hours prior to my bed time went by very quickly. I also decided not to read, not for a particular reason - just to take a break. These days (even the weird ones) are still going by quickly and soon this phase of my sentence will be over. I was hoping for the ducat last night so I could progress through this phase but the ducat never came. The inmate did tell me it could arrive today and hopefully he was correct. Even thought it didn’t arrive I was not disappointed and fell asleep at my usual time of 10:00 pm.

I slept in until a little before 6:00 am and was hoping today was a normal - not weird day. Today is Valentine’s Day and I would like to wish everyone a very Happy Valentine’s Day. I won’t be cynical about this fabricated holiday (okay maybe a little cynical!) but it does mark yet another holiday that I won’t be with my family. The positive side about going through these holidays is when they are over and hopefully next Valentine’s Day I will be with my family. Obviously, this is a very unusual Holiday for me having spent the last 40 years in the free world - not that I am behind bars (so to speak). This is what it has become and will soon be over. I won’t lament; I will just move forward deeply embracing recovery which will afford me many more Valentine’s Days back in the free world.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.

Weird Day

Yesterday was an extension of the weekend and I went back to the dorm when the yard closed for the lunch period. I wasn’t coming back out until dinner and subsequently evening yard. I was thinking about coming back outside for the afternoon pill call and then doing another workout after receiving the protein drinks. However; once I noticed the size of the line I decided to pass. Also, the afternoon yard never opened because the C/O’s were searching one of the dorms. Apparently the inmates in this dorm (not my dorm) were quite intoxicated and were verbally abusing the C/O’s. Verbally abusing the C/O’s is never recommended especially when one is drunk. The C/O’s ended up handcuffing 6 members of this dorm and leading them to the “hole”. In addition to carting these inmates off the C/O’s basically turned that dorm upside down and threw out 3 large carts full of assorted items. The C/O’s seemed to be enjoying themselves while they were tossing up that dorm and I certainly can’t blame them since what those inmates did wasn’t exactly the brightest move. So the afternoon yard was cancelled for the upper tier and I once again took I easy.

I decided to go to the cheeseburger dinner so I could get out of the dorm and eat some baked beans. I received a rather ample portion of these baked beans (which was good for me but not for those around me! That was a joke!!) and they weren’t too bad. As I received my tray, the very nice C/O whispered to me if I needed a telephone call to come see her later in the evening. She was the C/O who turned me down on Sunday when I asked her about the telephone call. She was extremely nice last night as she almost apologized for not being able to give me a telephone call on Sunday. I thanked her and quickly explained that my family was on the East Coast and my children would be asleep this evening but I may need a telephone call the next day (today) and she said “sure, no problem” all I needed to do was see her in the office. When she turned me down on Sunday I knew she wasn’t turning me down as an individual, she couldn’t give anyone a telephone call and I understood. There are some very good C/O’s and she is certainly one of them.

Lately both the dinner and breakfast service has come much later than usual. Since the dinner service came late the evening yard was delayed. I wasn’t sure if the evening yard would even open but it did shortly after 8:00 pm leaving only one hour before it’s closure. I went outside and found my friend. Our walking routine suffered a setback last night due to the late opening of the yard and my friend needed to sign-up for a telephone call. I had signed up earlier in the day and could not sign up in the evening since we are only allowed one sign up per day. There are some inmates who ignore this and sign up for two telephone calls per day but I prefer to abide by the rules.

I made it back to the dorm just in time for the start of “Heroes”. One of my dorm mates was able to save me a seat. The supernatural “Heroes” is more popular than the action adventure “24” with inmates in my dorm, this certainly worked out to my advantage because otherwise I would have nothing to watch. “Heroes” ended and it was my bedtime. As I laid down last night I realized it was the 7th month mark since my sentencing date. This meant I am over the hump towards the 1 year mark because now I only have 5 months to go to reach 1 year. The months do click by rather fast and soon I will reach the end of my sentence which should be this time next year. Technically I have 17 months remaining on my sentence but with fire camp this will be reduced. The reduction is based on my arrival at fire camp so the sooner I get there the sooner I get to reunite with my family. I do see the next few months going by fast because as each month passes they continue to go faster and faster. I miss my wife and children tremendously and I want this journey to end as soon as possible but the only way I get to be reunited with my family is living one day at a time for a lifetime. I look forward to next year but have to concentrate on today because it is making me a better person as each day goes by.

This morning as I woke up at 5:30 am after a typical listless sleep, I looked out the window and saw that is was raining fairly hard. I was hoping the rain would stop so it wouldn’t interfere with the outdoor activities such as the PFT Plus class and my exercising. Once breakfast time came around the rain had stopped but it was colder than it had been in a long time. After breakfast and after returning back to the dormitory there wasn’t much time before I would go outside. I spent a few minutes reading another recent copy of a local newspaper. The unlock came to go outside so I could go to work. I made my way outside with my dorm mate who is also an instructor and it quickly became evident it was going to be a weird day. We waited for the yard to open but it did not open until almost 11:00 am. At this point it was much too late to have the PFT Plus class. In fact at almost 10:30 am all the Instructors decided to do other things. Prior to this although the yard was not opened the alarm went off and I was face down on my stomach for 20 minutes which is a long time so something must have happened. All these alarms hopefully don’t foreshadow bad things but lately it has become part of the normal routine – at this point the yard was recalled (closed) and I went back to the dormitory for the lunch period.

Telephones!

Is it better to have hope or is it better to be realistic? I prefer to have a little bit of both because if I only had hope what would I truly have. By the same token if I only had realism this can be truly overwhelming at times. Yesterday as I had mentioned that it was my daughter’s 9th birthday, I was hoping to be able to speak with her and had secured a mid-afternoon telephone sign up slot. The day was very promising because the earlier rain had subsided and it was only partly cloudy. This meant I could finally go on a long run prior to the telephone call to my daughter. I purposely scheduled the call near the end of yard for two reasons. One – to ensure my wife and children would be home when I called and two – I had plenty of time to get my run in well before the telephone call.

I embarked on what would be a 14 mile run. On my very first lap I ran by the telephones and I saw one of my dorm mates. He called over to me as I ran past. He said, “The telephone sign up list was lost so they are doing it on a first come first serve basis.” At first I thought he was joking and continued to run by but I noticed his eyes did not reflect any humor so I stopped and went over to him. My initial response to him was “You’re joking?” and he said, “No, I wish I was.” At this point there were about 150 inmates crowded around the telephones and I was at a loss at what to do next. I saw my friend as he was standing near my dorm mate and I asked him what was going on. He did confirm that the telephone sign up list was indeed lost just like on Christmas Day. (If I didn’t know any better I would think this is all a grand conspiracy against me but that simply is not the case.) However; unlike Christmas Day when the C/O implemented an “open-line” (all the inmates get in a line and sign up on a new sign up sheet for the telephone calls) process it was just a free for all. I was fully prepared to wait in line all afternoon and forego my run in order to call my daughter. This was not necessary as the telephones were turned off a few minutes later and no one could place a telephone call.

My friend who works in the yard office as a clerk during the week told me to go about my run and he would see what he could so. I started my run and could only shrug my shoulders and say to myself, “What can go wrong has gone wrong once again with those damn telephones!” I still had hope as I started my run because it was still early in the afternoon. As I ran I kept my eyes on the telephones and kept looking for my friend. The telephones were still turned off and I ran by my friend a few times who told me he was working on it and said, “It is not looking very good.”

I finished my run and saw one of the other Instructors and mentioned to him about the telephones. He was fully aware of the telephone issue and told me I should talk with the Sergeant on duty and tell him that I need to call my daughter because it is her birthday. He also said that I should mention that I am an Instructor which sometimes helps. I took his advice and headed to the C/O office to speak with the Sergeant. As it turns out the Sergeant on duty was the same Sergeant who assisted my mother when she sent me the replacement running shoes a few months ago. He was very helpful to my mother and when I thanked him it was the one and only time I met him. However; I was very encouraged because he is a very nice person. I approached him and told him the situation. He listened but deferred to the C/O in charge of the telephones and told me to ask that C/O. I thanked him and proceeded to seek out that C/O. Much to my surprise it was the same C/O who is in the dining hall 5 nights a week and is very kind to me as she knows about my vegetarian tray. I commonly refer to her as the “very nice C/O”. I told her the situation and she was almost apologetic as she said “I’m sorry but no one is getting a telephone call today, no exceptions.” Upon hearing this I didn’t push the issue and said, “thank you” as I walked out of the office very dejected.

This whole ordeal with the telephone is not a surprise nor should I be surprised. However, disappointment and frustration certainly are an accurate description as to how I was feeling. I wonder if it was indeed better when I couldn’t place a telephone call when I was at the reception center for 10 weeks. At least there I know I couldn’t use the telephone, whereas here I am always hoping the other shoe does not drop so I could place the telephone call. This is another part of my punishment for my misdeeds. My God if I can’t learn from this experience I will never learn and I am doomed to a horrible life. Thanks to my recovery I can chalk up the events of yesterday to those that I cannot change and I accept. I certainly don’t like it. I am certainly frustrated, disappointed, and pray my daughter understands; however; I cannot dwell on this because I cannot control any of this. I can only control myself which is why I am grateful each and everyday for my recovery. Without my recovery I would have pounded my head through a wall by now but through my recovery my head stays clear in more ways than one.

I was constantly thinking of my daughter and how she asked me to call her on her birthday. Fortunately I didn’t promise her because there was always the very real possibility that I wouldn’t be able to call and this is what happened. Now the next time I could call is Tuesday afternoon in order to speak with my daughter (I also need to speak with my son because I haven’t even spoken with him since he turned 6 last Thursday) when she is home from school. Today she is in school and tonight she will be asleep. To complicate matters I still haven’t received the birthday cards for my son and daughter that my wife sent to me two weeks ago. At least I can apologize to them for not calling and write a very nice note inside the card. I had no idea simple things such as placing a telephone call could be so complicated.

At 3:30 pm yesterday afternoon instead of speaking with my daughter I was laundering my very sweaty clothes. I was certainly thinking about my daughter at this time and throughout the day. I know this situation is only temporary and I will be back with my family in a very short time. What is so hard is I am a very good father. My compulsive gambling may have presented me from being totally mentally connected with my family but I was always physically present which meant the world to me. My family does mean the world to me and I am so very sorry to have put them through this ordeal. They did nothing to deserve what has happened to them over the past 7 months. I love them dearly and know our lives together will be extra special forever; I will never take them for granted.
At 10:00 pm I decided to call it a night and before I went to sleep I looked at the picture of my family that I have over my bunk and wished my daughter a very Happy Birthday and gave each of them a kiss. Wow, another special day in the life of my family and I was unable to speak with them; oh well – stuff happens. Sad to say I can actually deal with these events with a smile on my face because it sure beats the alternative. In a very short period of time this will all be a distant memory and I will be back with my family. To say I have learned and continue to learn my lesson is an understatement, however; my recovery keeps me in the here and now which will afford me a wonderful future. Without the recovery there are no lessons, but with it despite the challenges life continues to get better.

The morning yard opened and out I went. I embarked on my exercise routine and decided to only run a mile in order to get the lactic acid out of my legs. I checked in for the telephone call as is required and amazingly the telephone list was not lost today. I was able to call my wife and unfortunately at this time my daughter and son were in school so I could not speak with them. My wife was extremely understanding as to me not calling yesterday (she has become accustomed to the telephone dilemma). My wife told me my daughter had a very good birthday weekend and she was fine when I didn’t call. I am sure I was more devastated than she was. Everything went well over the weekend and it was a joyous celebration. My family is in a very special place surrounded by so much love and I am very grateful.

The telephone call ended rather abruptly as the telephones were cut-off about 3 minutes early. At least I got to speak with my wife which does beat not speaking with her. I have been told the telephone procedure at fire camp is much more reliable so hopefully I will be transferred sooner as opposed to later. Even though the call ended abruptly it was great to hear my wife’s voice and hopefully sometime this week I will be able to speak with my children. Today was a much better day than yesterday.