Different But Same

First off I would like to wish a very Happy Birthday to my mother-in-law who has graciously opened up her home and her heart to my wife and children. I hope she has a wonderful birthday and for the first time ever she has all her grandchildren in the same state on her birthday. Happy Birthday, I Love you!

I was looking forward to dinner in the dining hall for the rice and pasta salad. However; as does happen every now and again the menu changed to hot dogs, pasta salad, mixed vegetables and roasted potatoes. In spite of not having the rice I still went to dinner because in the past the pasta salad was very good. The pasta salad was made with vinaigrette dressing. I did eat all that I was given but I was lacking protein in this meal and knew I would be hungry later. I was indeed hungry later as I walked with my friend during the evening yard. My friend was very tired because he has recently begun an exercise program so he went back into his dormitory early. I did place a telephone call to my wife where we spoke for the brief 15 minute period. It appears due to the timing of my prospective transfer to fire camp I may not see my wife until July for the family visit. This will certainly be a family visit because she will be bringing our children with her. I have waited this long to see my wife so another 5 months won’t be so terrible. Of course I would love to see my wife sooner but this may not be the case. Whatever happens we will be fine because all of this is temporary and hopefully within a short year we will be all together forever. This is what matters the most. What also matters is even though my wife and I have not seen each other for many months and this situation has no doubt been difficult on her, she remains an amazing woman and my love for her grows stronger everyday. The telephone call ended so quickly and we said our “I love you’s” and “I miss you’s”.

My friend had gone back to his dormitory while I was on the telephone so I headed back to my dorm. However, I had to wait 45 minutes for the next unlock. While I was waiting I noticed three C/O’s stop four inmates who were walking and the C/O’s frisked them. Apparently, the C/O’s did not find anything good because they let the inmates go. I have been amazed at some of the things I have seen in my short stay here. It appears that if an inmate wants something which is prohibited they seem to find a way to get it in here. Some of these things are illegal not only in prison but in the real world as well. Here I am writing about having more than 10 novels in my locker when other inmates have illegal items in their lockers and on their person. The C/O’s did let them go but went over to one of their dorms and did a search on a locker. They must have found something because the C/O gave the inmate a stern warning as to cut out the sales or the entire dorm will be tossed.

Yes, I was still hungry and decided to make a bowl of oatmeal for a snack. Also, my friend lent me a CD (Nickleback) and I listened to it while I ate and continued listening to it prior to falling asleep. It was good to listen to a CD especially this one because it was very good. The only problem was that it was not nearly long enough and I wanted more songs. I was pleasantly surprised and enjoyed the CD immensely. I did fall asleep sometime after 10:00 pm and slept well. I got out of my bunk at the usual time of 5:30 am to start the day. The unlock did come for early breakfast and after I got outside the air felt very cold and damp. The damp left a lingering cold feeling as the sun did not come out until the afternoon. The breakfast was my favorite of pancakes and oatmeal. There weren’t any fights this morning in the dining hall which is always good. We did get an early start on the PFT class. This morning I was able to do all the miles in the power walk and run.

Exceedingly Normal Inmate

When I arrived here at Sierra Conservation Center over 3 months ago I was processed in the R & R area. R & R (I believe) represents reception because this is where all inmates who go in and out of the prisons are processed and receiving because this is where all the quarterly packages and book deliveries are received. Back three months ago when I came through the R & R area there was a clerk who looked exceedingly normal and I wondered (to myself) how this very normal man got in a place like this (much like everyone does with me). I was hoping to one day have an opportunity to speak with this inmate. Well that one day arrived yesterday morning. Actually I was introduced to this exceedingly normal inmate two months ago but we both made small talk. He was in the last PFT class and I got friendlier with him but we never spoke. I did find out he lives in the same area of Southern California that I used to live so we had a common bond. Yesterday while I was exercising on the “Harvard Wall” he started exercising next to me. Usually I am somewhat territorial of exercising on the Harvard Wall but I didn’t mind that he was a few feet away from me. In fact, I welcomed the diversion and even though we had not spoken much up to this point I really liked this inmate. I did an hour on the Harvard Wall and he was doing only 10 minutes and when his 10 minutes were up he stopped. When he stopped I made a sarcastic comment to him telling him he couldn’t stop because he was motivating me. He laughed and said no it was me who was motivating him.

From the first day I saw him I wanted to ask him what he was doing here and I finally asked him this question. As it turns out he is serving an 8 year sentence (which he will serve 4 and even less when he gets to fire camp in a few months) for a white collar crime. His crime was very similar almost eerily similar to a man I met prior to my arrival in prison who served 6 ½ years for his white collar crime in a Federal Prison. As I spoke with this normal inmate I realized my restitution amount of $500,000 is paltry compared to his restitution amount which is well into the millions. The more I spoke with him the more I realized he was certainly in the wrong place at the wrong time. The part I couldn’t figure out was how his case was not a federal case since it has to do with securities. He did tell me the Federal Government did attempt to prosecute him but dropped the case. However, the county in which the fraud was committed picked up the case and he received the 8 year sentence. Normally I would be skeptical of what a fellow inmate was telling me regarding their case but yesterday I believed every word. As it turns out his release date and my release date are only a few days apart. He was sentenced in July of 2004 while I was sentenced in July 2006. He has such a good attitude and is a very intelligent kind man. He is 10 years older than me and talking with him was a breath of fresh air. Finally as I discussed my case he did tell me about his gambling problem which made the dollar I squandered look like peanuts. All in all it was the best conversation I have had with an inmate since coming to prison. We shared so many similarities and we both feel we will be better people when our time has been served.

Prior to dinner something very strange happened during the 4:00 pm count. Each day at this time two C/O’s come through and count the bodies in the dorm. During this count the inmates must sit up which indicates we are not dead to the C/O’s, as they walk through. Yesterday afternoon I was sitting up writing as I normally do when the C/O’s walk through and I might add I was minding my own business. The C/O’s passed by my bunk and then stopped three steps away. As they stopped one of the them summoned my Bunkie and me into the television area. I was very perplexed but didn’t question the C/O. I have discovered it is much easier to do as I am told. I got off my bunk and sat in the television area with my Bunkie. When I got to the television area a few of my dorm mates asked what happened, I responded, “I have no idea”, then my Bunkie responded, “Oh, I farted when the C/O passed the bunk.” Now that mystery was solved and it really is not a good thing to fart when a C/O is standing next to your bunk, they do take offense to this. As retribution the C/O searched my bunkie’s locker and took away the cardboard shelves and his extra rolls of toilet paper. Thankfully they did not search my locker because they would have taken my stock of peanut butter and the extra banana. I guess the C/O did not immediately realize who passed wind but as soon as she saw the two if us she knew it was my bunkie. I did not like being implicated in this event; however, no harm was caused because the C/O used common sense.

The rest of the evening was my normal routine. However, last night was my one night of television as I watched “Heroes”. When it ended it was bedtime for me. Quiet time doesn’t officially start until 11:00 pm and I was surprised I am able to fall asleep before quiet time since it was somewhat noisy. I must have been tired last night because I only got up once during the night and 5:30 am came very fast.

There was an unlock for early breakfast and we were able to get an early start on the PFT class. I did miss the altercation (fight) which happened 5 minutes after I departed the dining hall. Yes, fights certainly happen but my timing was very good as I was already outside on the basketball court waiting for the PFT class to start. Even though I was outside well away from the fight, the alarm sounded and everyone outside had to drop down on their stomachs. It took only a few minutes to get the fight under control and the C/O’s led the two inmates who were involved out of the dining hall. Thankfully these two were of the same race because when they aren’t it gets very sticky. It was an exciting way to start the day.

The Week Begins

I felt very good after speaking with my children yesterday morning and I need to speak with them more often. I need to reiterate how wonderful my family truly is to me. Based on my previous action my wife had every right to not speak with me; however; she has been unbelievable not only over these past 6 months but the almost 2 years which has passed since my criminal activity surfaced. I had an incredible life which I took for granted. I will and am doing everything in my power to never take anything for granted ever again. I have three (my wife, daughter, and son) incredible people in my life and I will enjoy every moment I spend with them. The telephone call made my day and as I got off the phone it started to rain. The rain could not dampen my spirits as they were uplifted by my children. I certainly did wrong and rightfully so I am being punished; however; there is so much good which has come out of my situation and I am forever grateful.

As the rain fell I walked back to my dorm since it was just about yard recall time. My friend walked with me and we chatted a bit. We made plans to walk in the evening as long as he rain had stopped by then. The yard was closed and I headed into my dorm. Yesterday being Sunday meant I had all afternoon to myself. My plans were very simple; I planned on making lunch, doing laundry, shaving and showering.

When I finished lunch I started my writing and took a few hours to finish the latest installment of the blog. I took my time writing because I had all afternoon. I just needed to finish by evening yard at 7:00 pm. I finished well in advance of this and went back to reading. I passed on the ham/turkey dinner. Also, the sides were yams and green beans. There was no need for me to go to the dining hall when I could stay back in the dorm and make rice and beans, however; this dinner is not exactly filing and I find myself hungry an hour later. This was the case last night but I know there would be an opportunity in the evening yard to pick up the protein drinks.

I was anxiously waiting the evening yard to open so I could place a telephone call to my mother. I had secured a 7:15 pm telephone sign-up which is the worst time since the evening yard sometimes opens after this time. I did reach the telephone at 7:15 pm but they were not turned on by the C/O until 7:20 pm. This meant instead of having 15 minutes on the telephone I only had 10 minutes as the times are given out every 15 minutes starting with 7:15 pm. I did connect with my mother and I could hear the disappointment in my mother’s voice as I told her I had to go because the next person needed the telephone. We really didn’t get to talk about much but as always it was good to hear her voice. We did talk about my daughter and what she knows about where I am. My daughter believes I am away at camp (not prison) and will return next year. In a way this is true as I am at a camp learning to become a wild fire firefighter and this summer when my family comes to visit me I will be at an actual fire camp. Camp has a much nicer ring to it than prison. When I do get back to my family I will explain in full to both my daughter and son as to why and where I was for this time. I prefer no secrets and believe the truth is the best way to go.

When I hung-up with my mother I too was disappointed. I wanted to speak with her much longer but had to go. I was somewhat depressed as I met up with my friend and walked. He noticed something was wrong and asked me about it. I did tell him what was the matter and it was good to talk with someone. Other than this friend I have no one else here to speak with and I talked about this last night. He said that same thing and told me I was the only other inmate he could talk with. Once again I was happy for these walks and talks because I did feel better. As we walked I noticed the pill call line was very small so I went to get the protein drinks.

Last night I was able to secure a much better telephone time slot on Tuesday at 7:45 pm. This is a very good time because I don’t have to worry about the yard opening on time; I just have to worry about the yard opening at all! I plan on calling my wife with this telephone time since I didn’t speak with her on Sunday. Once the sign up was over I walked some more with my friend and we talked some more. These evening yards do pass by very quickly and I am happy to have found a friend in a very unlikely place. The yard closed and it was back to the dorm where I read until rendering to sleep.

Today was Day 4 and there isn’t any class this Thursday since it is the 1st of the month. Class never convenes on the 1st which is why the test has been pushed back one day until next Tuesday. I am anxiously waiting test day so I can cross out one of the “to do” items I need in order to get to fire camp. I am certainly not taking the test for granted especially after seeing one of the previous instructors fail. I will do my best next Tuesday and concentrate throughout the process. I certainly need to pass and I will.

Move Those Weekends Along

The weekends do bring about a change in my routine from the days during the week. I can only go out just in the afternoon or just the morning and evening. Since I was in all morning, I tried to use this time productively which was to read and write. Of all the elements in prison life, passing the time quickly and effectively is key for me.

After I went on my run, I decided to go to the store once again. I realized I ran out of shampoo after going to the store on Thursday. I bought a few items and one of those was a pint of Dreyers Cookie Dough Ice Cream. Before everyone gets excited, the ice cream was obviously not for me. It was for my friend who I saw walking around the track. I do find it fascinating that the store sells ice cream because it must be consumed the day it is purchased since there aren’t any freezers or for that matter any refrigerators in the dorms. My friend was very surprised when I presented him the ice cream and he shared it with 2 other inmates who I have come to know. All of them seemed to enjoy and it did make me feel good knowing they were appreciative of receiving the ice cream.

My exercises for the afternoon had been completed and with 20 or 30 minutes left before the yard closed, I got my hair cut. I had given up on the barber shop because it seems too difficult to get in. There is an inmate in the dorm next door to mine who gives haircuts in the yard. I went to him yesterday and he cut my hair. I had to wet my hair underneath a water spicket because he was having a tough time with the electric clippers. Once I wet my hair, he did a very good job. It has been awhile since I last saw the tops of my ears and after he finished it looked like my ears got bigger! I’m sure they haven’t grown but for some reason they appear larger. Anyhow the haircut wasn’t that bad and my hair looks better. My hair is much longer than most of the other inmates, mostly due to the fact that I have hair! I was impressed with the way this inmate did the cut and I was equally impressed with his tools and accessories. Sure I got my haircut on a prison yard while sitting on a garbage can but the price was right; two soups. I continue to be amazed at the ingenuity displayed by my fellow inmates.

Dinnertime arrived and I was hooked up by the kitchen line workers who gave me large amounts of beans, rice, corn, and salsa and an extra tortilla. I had so much food I couldn’t finish it all. Eating also took longer than usual as my table mates were actually waiting for me to finish instead of vice versa. I got more food in this one meal than I had all week. Since I only had breakfast and the peanut butter and banana sandwich, the food hit the spot.

For the remainder of the evening, I continued to read The Art of War. I have heard about this book for a number of years and I guess my expectations were too high because it wasn’t what I expected. I read the book with interest and found it fascinating that it was written over 2400 years ago. However, I was expecting more than a list of ways to win a war. One third of the book was the original Art of War and the other two-thirds was an explanation of the first part as it applies to modern examples. I can see why every General in the Armed Forces is required to read this because it makes so much sense. I am not sure if President George Bush has read this book and even if he has he may have missed some critical issues. If we are in fact at “war” in Iraq, President Bush may want to re-read this because according to this we are making very big mistakes.

This morning was overcast and it had rained overnight. This was a dramatic departure to the weather of the last 4 weeks which had brilliantly sunny skies. Thankfully, the rain held off most of the morning as I got to run 11 miles. I guess I am getting old because I couldn’t seem to duplicate the effortless effort (does that make sense?) of yesterday’s 7 miles. I am not crazy about running back to back with significant mileage; however, I needed a run of 10 miles or more. My first 5 miles were a struggle but the longer I ran the easier it got. I most certainly could have run farther but I had an unexpected telephone call to make. My friend had telephone time scheduled this morning but he encountered some difficulty when placing calls to his girlfriend and cannot get through due to a block on the phone. I thought this would be a great time to call my children since I have not spoken to them in a few weeks.

I placed the call and instead of my wife answering, my brother-in-law picked up. He was babysitting all three children. My wife, mother, and sister-in-law went out for the afternoon. Of course I would have liked to speak with my wife but the primary reason for the phone call was to speak with my children. First I spoke with my son who is turning 6 in a few weeks and his conversation skills have improved tremendously. I spoke with him for 5 minutes which is the longest I have talked to him in over 6 months. He recited his ABC’s and counted to 21. I was very impressed as he spoke. Also, his voice sounds very much like my nephew’s voice when he was a similar age. My son has a little less squeak to his voice but the sounds are similar. Next I spoke with my darling daughter who will be 9 in a few weeks also. Her speech has been tremendous for a long time and she does ask some good questions. She wanted to know if I would be back next year in the summertime. I couldn’t give her an exact answer because at this point I don’t know. I will definitely be back before the summer of 2008 and I am hoping to be back before my children’s birthdays in February of next year. Ideally I would love to surprise them which is why I didn’t answer my daughter’s question.

They are both great children and I miss them so much. They are growing up so quickly and I know I can never get back this time I have missed. However, I do know I can and will make the most of the time we will have together. To say “I can’t wait to see them” would be a gross understatement because I want to see and be with them more than anything else in the world.

100th Day At SCC

The lead instructor and I get along and as I mentioned we have a friendly rivalry between us. For a physically strong guy, he is incredibly sensitive. It does sound like I am taking someone else’s inventory and I hope I don’t come across as sensitive and defensive as he does because it causes breakdowns in communication. I try to be perceptive to other people and their issues but I don’t believe I am sensitive about myself. I have always prided myself on being able to communicate effectively with anyone. I don’t believe this has changed and this has helped me over the past six months. I seem to get along with practically all the other instructors. One of my character flaws is the need to be liked which I am working on. I also do understand that not everyone is going to like me for whatever reason and this is acceptable. As long as I stay true to myself and not be a phony, I will be okay.

It also seems many of my fellow inmates for being tough guys are extremely sensitive as well which causes defensiveness. I am not sure if the prison life or life outside the prison or a combination of both have caused these issues but it is quite prevalent. I am happy that I have been able to stick to myself over these past 6 months and hopefully I can stay away from these situations. I continue to work on my character defects each and everyday especially in a place like this.

As long as I continue to arrest my gambling addiction one day at a time for a lifetime and continue to work on being a person with a positive purpose – the sky is the limit. All of my adult life I have hid from my compulsive gambling and finally I am facing up to it and it feels wonderful. The chains of addiction have been broken but it is a daily battle because those chains are still out there. I have no intention of shackling myself with those chains which is why I work my recovery one day at a time.

Making my way back from the dorm after dinner, I was looking forward to finally receiving the books as long as the evening yard was still open. After a short wait, my name was called and I received the books my mom had sent – 5 non-fiction and two fiction. Once again she did a fantastic job of selecting the books. The two fiction books are from James Patterson and John Grisham – can’t go wrong there. The five non-fiction cover a range of topics from war to homelessness. These should keep me busy for quite some time. I started the Art of War by Sun Tzu which I have been wanting to read for sometime. The original was written over 24oo years ago and was finally translated in English back in the 1900’s. I only read the first few pages and could tell this book needed to be read slowly for me to fully comprehend the content. This maybe a stretch but I may actually learn something from reading this book.

I was able to speak with my wife and in spite of the late hour, she was still awake. I informed her that I finally received notification of the family visit which is scheduled for March 8th, 9th, and 10th. I can cancel it without any penalties since we have decided to wait until I get to fire camp. I certainly want to see her but having her visit me here will be a burden in so many ways, both financially and emotionally. I believe it will be much better when I get to fire camp because it is located on familiar territory and she can visit her friends as well. There are many restrictions coming here. Hopefully, I can get to fire camp in April and she can visit me soon thereafter and bring my son and daughter in July to visit.

I fell asleep past 10:00 pm, as I have programmed myself. The night’s rest was typical where I woke up a few times and there is a direct correlation between my sleeping pattern and speaking with my wife. I believe communicating with my wife activates my subconscious and there is little I can do to stop this. It really isn’t a bad thing and I love speaking with her and I can deal with the irregular sleeping patterns because I much rather prefer talking to her.

I woke up at 6:00 am and stayed in my bunk. I thought I would count the number of days I have been here at SCC and low and behold today is day 100! I try not to count the days but instead to make the days count which I have done. Hopefully, I have less than 100 remaining prior to my transfer to fire camp but no matter the number, I will keep doing what I have been doing because it not only makes the days count- it makes me a better person.

Being Included

I did get to go the store and purchased shaving cream (which was my only must) and I added soup, tuna, bean, peanut butter, cracker and oatmeal cookie stocks. I only spent $45.00 this time and all of the food could not fit into my locker so once again I have a laundry bag of food underneath my bunk. It seems as if all of the snack items sold in the store are high in fat and salt. Once again a healthy snack such as baked tortillas or baked potato chips would have been nice.

It took over 30 minutes to finally get up to the window and receive the items on my list. I signed the receipt and pushed it back through the window. The employee then told me to place my fingerprints on the receipt. He also went on to say that since I am an instructor I should have known better and I should be an example to other inmates. I made an honest omission and here I was being denigrated. I apologized but thought to myself how we are held to a higher level than the rest of the inmates but are not treated any differently only when we make mistakes. It is one of those damned if you do, damned if you don’t situations!

Once I was finished with the store, I headed back to the basketball court for the post class instructor meeting. When the meeting concluded, I made my way over to the dorm in hopes of an unscheduled unlock. However, the regular CO was back from his lengthy vacation and in spite of him walking past me and the dorm door four different times, he waited an additional 45 minutes to provide the unlock. I know there are rules; however, I obviously needed to go into the dorm while I stood there with a big bag of food. This didn’t matter at all because as the CO walked passed me four different times, he didn’t acknowledge me once. I have learned so much about powerlessness since my recovery started almost 2 years ago. I have also learned so much about this same subject since arriving in prison over 6 months ago. I am powerless to the locking and unlocking of doors – being at the mercy of the system. This was clearly evident as the CO ignored me and went about his business only to provide the unlock at the requisite time. Clearly my life is not my own and it is at times very frustrating. I do accept my role and look forward to the time when my life is my own again and I can lock and unlock my own doors.

After breakfast we were going to start the power walk with the lead instructor in the front and myself on the side when the coach called the lead instructor, the 2nd in command, and myself over to him. He wanted to discuss something with the 3 of us. At first I was surprised to be included in the discussion with the coach because he normally only talks to the lead instructor and the 2nd in command but not any other instructor. The only other time when we are all included is for the post class meeting. Yes, I was surprised but in the same token honored to be part of the discussion because after all my instructor duties may end when the PFT class ends. In the same vane I was somewhat concerned that the 2 other senior instructors may think I am stepping on their toes. I kept my mouth shut as the coach spoke to us and let the other 2 instructors do most of the talking. I only answered when the coach asked me a direct question.

The meeting was about plans the coach has for an Instructional Exercise Video for all inmates in the California Prison System. His plans sound very appealing and again I was slightly perplexed why I was included because I should be long gone to fire camp when these plans are implemented. If I were staying here I would be extremely interested in these plans because it is going to be a very good project. I offered my input when asked and the meeting ended.

Once again the coach wanted to speak with the 3 of us again after the post class meeting. This was a separate issue relating to ideas the coach had for the PFT class and instructors. The coach really wanted our input at this meeting. I held back all I could but added my opinion more so than the 2 other instructors. I don’t believe I stepped on anyone’s toes but who really knows. The lead instructor did make a comment to me about my “management skills” and how he liked how I utilized them during this meeting. I have somewhat of an idea as to why the coach included me both of these meetings but I don’t want to come across as arrogant. I guess he does like me and the fact that I can hold a conversation without having to say “you know what I mean” in every sentence worked to my advantage. I believe the coach included me because of my maturity level and professionalism. I hope this doesn’t sound too conceited. I do hope his plans come to fruition and I wish him well.

The coach spoke to us for 20 minutes and I felt like a viable member of the team and I am hoping the coach will be able to keep me around until I get transferred to fire camp. I would much rather prefer staying as an instructor while I stay here. I do have a fear of being placed into a job while I wait for my transfer and most jobs here are not exactly productive as the one I currently maintain. Hopefully, I can talk the coach into having me stay as an instructor because I certainly enjoy what I am doing and the time is passing quickly.

Unforeseen Happened

I didn’t go to the “Beef something” dinner since I was full and the beans were not to my liking. I stayed back in the dorm with a few more dorm mates who stay back for dinner. I continued to write during this time and I heard the remaining dorm mates making some noise as they were looking outside. I stood up from the bunk to see what all the noise was about. I looked out the window and realized the yard alarm must have been sounded because all the inmates going and coming to the dining hall were laying down on the ground as is required when the alarm goes off. There was one inmate who did not comply with the regulations of the alarm as he was running back and forth through the yard away from the CO’s who were chasing him. It was quite comical because this inmate did not appear to pose any threat to the other inmates or the CO’s. In fact as some of the CO’s chased him around the yard, I could see the other CO’s looking on with smiles on their faces. Finally, after a few minutes of running, this inmate stopped and started talking to a CO. After a few seconds of conversation, the CO dropped to his knees and clipped the inmate’s legs (had this been a play in the National Football League there would have been a penalty for clipping). Once the inmate’s legs were clipped he fell down to the grass and the CO handcuffed him. This was in full view of everyone on the yard and as the inmate was handcuffed the CO lifted his arms in triump only to be met with a chorus of “boos” from the inmates laying on the yard. The inmate who was handcuffed was then led away presumably to the “hole”. This little show was over as the inmate was escorted to the “hole” and the yard went back to normal. It was a very interesting show and as the inmates booed the CO, I kept my opinion to myself. I agreed with the CO (not the fact that he raised his arms in a victory celebration) because this inmate was not following the rules and the rules must be followed in the real world and most certainly in a place like this.

Often I find myself disagreeing with my fellow inmates on certain issues such as this incident. The other day as we were discussing the “Landmark Supreme Court” decision – which has no bearing on me or many of my fellow inmates – I found myself disagreeing with one of my dorm mates. We were discussing “enhancements” which are additional terms added to the prison commitment. For instance I received a 2 year enhancement for the state tax charges I received resulting in an additional 2 years being added to the original term of 2 years giving me a total of 4 years. The dorm mate was discussing how he received a 4 year enhancement due to a prior prison term. This inmate felt it wasn’t fair and I disagreed. I believe everyone should get some type of leniency for their first crime as long it is not of a violent nature. This inmate’s crime was non-violent but it was the third time. My position was – you should have learned from the first offense and most certainly the second offense – but did not – so the enhancement was warranted. Amazingly, the more I explained the position the more this dorm mate agreed with me. I know drugs are a difficult addiction, much like all addictions, and if the state is not willing to provide for rehabilitation; the inmate has to take responsibility for their actions somewhere down the road. They also must do something to recover or history will continue to repeat itself. I can see the state’s point of view where the enhancements should discourage further crime. However, if the main cause of the problem – in this case, drug addiction – is not properly dealt with the behavior will stay the same no matter the consequences. I would have hoped the two prison sentences were wake of calls but obviously they were not. This is exactly why the state must look at the reason behind the crime and not exclusively the crime in order to effectively reduce criminal behavior; otherwise the cycle will never end.

Last night was tougher than usual because the unforeseen happened and the evening yard never opened as I remained in the dorm all night long. At a little past seven, one of my dorm mates pointed out that 7 CO’s on this yard went running to the Level 1 Yard. They never returned and the prospect of having evening yard evaporated. It is wrong of me to label this unforeseen because I should be grateful anytime the yard does open since it is very foreseeable for things to go wrong. When they do, the yard doesn’t open. An example of this was Friday night even though it was not my tier’s turn for evening yard it never opened due to the problems of the level 3 yard. All of the 3 yards are separate; however, when things go wrong on any one of the yards it affects all. Once again circumstances were out of my control and my acceptance is certainly required to maintain sanity which is what I do.

It Starts

As the door opened for the afternoon unlock I went out into the yard wearing shorts and a short-sleeved tee shirt for the first time in awhile. Yesterday the sun was shining so brilliantly it felt warmer than the 61 degree temperature. This is a far cry from a week ago where the morning temperature hit 22 degrees. The sun and warmth felt great. I walked toward the basketball court where we hold the PFT Plus class with a dorm mate who is also an instructor. As we reached the court my dorm mate noticed a new list was posted on the wall some 50 feet away from the basketball court. We both thought this could be the list for the upcoming PFT class. We were both interested in seeing it because both of us were expecting to be on the list. We made our way to where it was posted. It was indeed the list for the upcoming PFT class and yes, we were both on it. Yay!! This officially means the process starts toward fire camp. There are a total of 4 (including me) Instructors inside the class including the Lead Instructor. There are only 8 Instructors in total and the Coach is losing half of it to the class. This is somewhat good news for me because now the Coach is at a disadvantage in losing so many Instructors and I may be able to return as an Instructor once the class is completed. I am very happy to officially be in the class because it has taken over 3 months to get to this point.

It is interesting because my Bunkie who arrived on the bus with me from the reception center on the same day has finished all of his training as of yesterday. Now he is waiting to be transferred to fire camp. My Bunkie didn’t have any issues with medical or paperwork and his entry into the training classes was seemless. Sure it would have been nice to go this route but I have made these 3 months work to my advantage and the time has truly gone by fast. I am just hoping that now that my process has officially started there aren’t any unforeseen delays on the horizon. There shouldn’t be but as I have learned over these past 6 months I must expect the unexpected. The first order of business is to pass the PFT class and even though I shouldn’t have any problems with the test since I have been doing this for the last 3 months, I will take nothing for granted. If there aren’t any delays test day will be Monday, February 5th a few days shy of my son’s and daughter’s birthdays which are always special days. Everything is moving forward and should really start accelerating at this point.

The buzz of the list was circulating the yard as we started the PFT Plus class. Being the “OG” (old guy) of the Instructors, I took charge of the afternoon class and much to my surprise my “friend” was doing the class yesterday. He needs to get in shape because now that all of his holds are cleared he should be in the PFT class next month. He did have a difficult time with the class but I told him to keep coming back because it will get easier and he will get in shape. The class was complete; I made the trek to the pill call line for the protein drinks. The wait yesterday was 20 minutes and I continue to be amazed as to how many inmates are on prescription medication. This medication has got to cost the State of California a great deal of money and from my perspective the system (prison) is flawed with so many inmates on psyche medications costing the taxpayers billions of dollars. I certainly hope with focus on the overcrowding of the prisons in the State of California someone is looking at a reform of the entire system from the judicial branch to the prison system. If not with the population of California there is no way to build enough prisons to house all the inmates.

I received the protein drinks and once again was finished with working out for the day. My timing wasn’t so good because I had to wait 45 minutes for the next unlock. There are some C/O’s who unlock the doors of the dorms earlier and often, while there are others who unlock the doors late and seldom. Yesterday was one of the late and seldom days but I did enjoy the beautiful weather as I stood outside. These minor moments can be somewhat frustrating but I have come to terms with them and accept it. Otherwise it is pointless to be concerned with this because this is the way it is. “Temporary” is my key word in all of this and know my life permanently belongs to my wife and children. When I do return life will be better than ever and needless to say I am looking forward to that day. Right now all the locks and unlocks will come each day as I move forward which are insignificant to the grand scheme of my life.

At mail call I received two letters and they were both postmarked from 2 weeks ago. It appears the mail situation has not been rectified and it takes awhile for the mail to reach me. Any letters I receive I enjoy tremendously and the 2 letters I received yesterday were excellent. I do write everyone back and the letters that I receive always challenge me when I write back which is very good. Also, writing these letters took up the better part of the evening. In fact I hadn’t finished until after 10:00 pm having started them around 7:00 pm. I did fall asleep soon after completing them and my mind must have been very active prior to falling asleep. I seemed to dream all night long. I cannot specifically remember the dreams but one had to so with the house I grew up in and involved my mother and grandmother. I am sure a psychologist would have a field day analyzing these dreams which is why I need to remember them better. I must have been tired because during all this dreaming I was in a deep sleep and slept until 5:45 am. I did get out of my bunk at this time and got ready for the day.

Today was the first day of the PFT class, which meant it was officially my first day as an instructor/student. I decided to use today as a semi-rest day with the advent of the PFT class I decided to take it easy this morning and really didn’t know what to do with myself. I saw my friend and walked a little with him. He had a telephone call scheduled this morning and told me if he didn’t get through I could have the rest of his time. I thought this would have been great because I could have called my wife this morning instead of calling her tonight. Tonight I could have attempted to retrieve the books my mother sent which would free me up for the weekend. Also, I was hoping my number would be called this morning so I could get to the “store”. Well, none of this happened because my friend did get through on his telephone call and they never got to my number at the “store”. This is all fine because I will call my wife tonight and my number should be called tomorrow so I can get to the “store”.

Since I didn’t know what to do with myself I decided to head into the dorm prior to lunch hour. I went directly to my bunk and wrote. As I was writing, the C/O came into the dorm and asked for all the participants in the PFT class to report outside. I was happy to get the class started because it meant I was one day closer to fire camp and one day closer to my family. I have been waiting for this class for awhile and I will enjoy each of the 9 days because I am required to do all of the power walking and runs. I won’t have any breaks and don’t have to share any duties. Yes, I guess I am being selfish but it is a one-time event for me and I will look forward to each mile.

Everything Is A List

After failing to find out anything regarding the “Landmark Supreme Court ruling” regarding prison sentences in California I headed outside for the afternoon session of PFT Plus. Lately I have focused much of my own personal exercising in the mornings and do take it much easier in the afternoon. This was the case yesterday as I did workout in the PFT plus class but did little else in the way of exercising during the afternoon. Much of talk between the Instructors was regarding the upcoming PFT Class. The Coach stated the class would start today (Tuesday) but I received a calendar from one of my dorm mates who works in the Education Department. This calendar has the dates of all the PFT classes and states the class starts on Wednesday (tomorrow). If the class were to start on Tuesday a list should have been issued by the afternoon on Monday. (Incidentally it seems everything is a list in this place. There is a list for those waiting for PFT and FFT classes. There are other lists and pardon the pun but the lists go on and on!) There wasn’t a list published Monday afternoon so I had my doubts the class would start today. Personally I was very interested because my name should be on it. Also because the list had not been published I would receive many questions from my fellow inmates as to the status of the class. Unfortunately I cannot answer these questions because I just don’t know.

I can understand the big deal regarding the list because this is the first step in the process of getting to a fire camp. Fire camp is certainly a goal of mine for several reasons; one is it gets me closer to my family since my sentence is reduced. Also, it gets me closer (physically) to my friends in Southern California and I look forward to seeing them in the coming months. Additionally, the fire camp provides me with a much better quality of life and I will be a positive member of society.

I had a slight dilemma because it was evening yard and I had a 7:30 pm telephone call scheduled. I don’t like getting a 7:30 pm telephone call because sometimes the yard doesn’t open until this time and it infringes on the allotted 15 minutes. Last night there was some incident on the upper tier at a little past 7:00 pm which delayed the opening of the yard. It was getting dangerously close to 7:30 pm but thankfully the yard did open and I arrived at the telephone at precisely 7:30 pm. I connected with my wife and instantly told her about the “Landmark Supreme Court Decision” (I have since found out the information I received prior to speaking with my wife was incorrect and unfortunately I may have put my wife on a wild goose chase. I will speak with her tomorrow and let her know this decision has no affect on me whatsoever.) I did waste much time on the telephone call on this topic but I did find out that all of the letters I have sent to my wife and mother have been received. I did express to my wife that a few of the entries I have written in the past week have taken me quite a while. I think the lack of mail that I have received in these past weeks creates me to write more in the blog. Whatever the case, I am sure much of what I write bores just about everyone but it does provide great therapy for me.

My wife and I did come to a decision regarding her “family visit”. We agreed the “family visit” would be much easier on everyone involved if we waited until I reached the fire camp in Southern California. The “family visit” here would be no sooner than March and presumably I will be transferred in April so one month is no big deal. Even if it were May that would be fine as well because the “family visit” at fire camp is much nicer than here.

My wife did mention that my mother was reading about the incident which happened on the Level 3 yard Friday night. My mother read a newspaper account on the internet and knew more about the incident than I did. Apparently there was a race riot on the other yard over a drug debt. According to the account on the internet there were 300 inmates involved and everything was under control within 3 minutes. I knew something was up when the C/O’s did not come through for the 9:00 pm count. Other than that I had no idea there was a riot until my wife mentioned it last night.

I did walk with my friend last night but we only did 2 miles because of all the interruptions and I was hoping to go in prior to 9:00 pm in order to watch the return of “Heroes.” I was able to get in the dorm just as “Heroes” was beginning and I was able to get a seat on the bench in the television room. It looks like “Heroes” is expanding their character base and the remainder of the season should provide very interesting. After “Heroes” I was able to fall asleep about 15 minutes later than usual with a limited lemonade intake I was able to get a restful sleep.

Into The Flow

Sunday morning arrived after a rather peaceful sleep with minor interruptions from the weekend C/O’s. There was the usual disruption at 2:45 am but other than that I was in a fitful sleep. The weekends make me stay on my bunk until 6:00 am because there is no where for me to go unless I want to watch the Spanish channel (which by the way is very racy and shows scantily clad females in bathing suits dancing on some unidentified beach. I am fairly certain some of my dorm mates who watch this program don’t even speak Spanish and it makes no difference to them because they are enjoying the view. I have caught glimpses of this program and when my dorm mates watch the Spanish news in the evening and it is apparent univision believes in the motto “sex sells” because it is all over their programming and their shows are very popular in a place like this.) Even though there were scantily clad young ladies on the television I had no desire to subject myself to watching. As is the case each weekend once I perform my morning ritual of brushing my teeth, washing up and getting dressed to remain in my bunk until a few minutes prior to the breakfast unlock where I move into the television area nearer the door. While I lay in my bunk I listen to the radio and do listen mostly to the news station. At this point in the morning this news station does a recap of the weekly national news and it does keep me informed. At least now I feel more connected to the outside world than I did at my two previous stops. I do know there is an outside world and also do know what is going on.

The breakfast on Sunday morning is always the same, eggs, sausage, roasted potatoes, two slices of bread, hot or cold cereal, apple, skim milk, and orange/grape/apple juice. This breakfast does gross me out because of my great disdain for eggs. I can’t seem to get the eggs off my tray fast enough. I most certainly have many takers for the eggs and sausage but sometimes the eggs contaminate the potatoes or bread and I won’t eat them either. Lately I have given up on the faux wheat bread for breakfast. I have no choice for lunch other than eating the peanut butter and strawberry jam directly from the packet. This bread might as well be white bread because it is definitely enriched which isn’t so healthy. I guess when the menu us submitted it looks good that the prison serves wheat bread but in reality it is white bread with brown food coloring. The hot cereal yesterday was farina and it was a bit thicker than its usual soapy dishwater consistency. It doesn’t matter that the farina looks and somewhat tastes like soapy dishwater I still eat it as was the case yesterday. Remember it is all about consuming calories and I do wonder if my tastes buds have been effectively killed by the dull tasting food, I guess time will tell.

My “program” on the weekends has been going very well and yesterday was no exception. After returning to the dorm I had all morning to write and I started as soon as I got back. I do like to finish the installment for the blog on Sunday mornings so I can get it in the mail on Sunday which means it will go out on Monday morning. Hopefully the mail hold-up has been resolved by now and my wife and mother have received everything I have sent them. Along with writing the blog I composed four other letters and amazingly the entire morning flashed by as I finished up. I do enjoy the flow of things on the weekends much better now than I did even a month ago. I have decided to workout on both days because I did not like the down period and exercising makes these days go by much faster. There is an obvious theme here for me which is to make the best out of each day and make those days go by as fast as possible. Everyday has 24 hours in it no matter if I am at Sierra conservation Center or New Jersey or Southern California. Those 24 hours will pass no matter what I do but I better be doing something to make the most of those 24 hours. I have and continue to make the best of each day which makes this journey move along. I have encountered other inmates who have been incarcerated for long periods of time and still have much longer to go than I have. These inmates do their time in many different ways; some are very active and some are inactive. It appears those who are active have a much better attitude then those who are inactive and I much prefer to be active. Sure I could lay around all the time and “catch-up” on my rest like some of my fellow inmates but this would be a contradiction to my recovery. I want to stay as active as possible and I have been very fortunate since arriving here over 3 months ago. Presumably my Instructor position will be ending soon with my graduation of the PFT class but this does not mean I stop being active. I will transfer my “program” from the weekends to the weekdays and everything will be fine.

After finishing the letters I watched a few minutes of the Bears/Saints NFC Championship football game prior to the yard opening in the afternoon. There was a time in my life when I would have camped out in front of the television all afternoon to not only watch this game but the one following it. Also, there would have been several wagers on both of these games even though I really didn’t have an opinion. There are some days (like yesterday) when I look back at my previous behavior (which was most certainly compulsive) and shake my head as to how “stupid” I was. As I analyze that behavior farther I realized I was not so much as stupid but I was “trapped” into this compulsive behavior. It was something I had to do no matter what. Now, thankfully I know there is a better way and I am no longer trapped within my behavior. Yesterday, I could watch the first few minutes of the game, go outside and not concern myself with the game whatsoever. It is a great feeling that in spite of my surroundings I have my life back. I can’t wait to share this feeling because it has been a long time coming. I did go outside and had a great workout and not once did I think about the football game. The day was beautiful with temperatures in the high 50’s. I ran 10 laps (3.3 miles), did the Super Session of PFT and finished on the Harvard Wall.

As I was doing the calisthenics one of the students who had failed the PFT class last week (this is the same person who has asked for my assistance previously but never showed up) asked me to help him. It was good timing because he waned to do some of the same exercises I was already performing. I told him to join me and he did. Well, he didn’t last very long because after 20 seconds of doing calisthenics he quit stating he hurt his back. I am not sure if he actually hurt his back because I did not notice anything unusual or any limps as he walked off. This was unfortunate for him because exercising is much like life where a person gets what they put in and if he is not putting in the effort he may fail the class again. I did want to help him but I cannot do the exercises for him which I thought that was where we were heading. Hopefully, he did not injure himself and will be ready when the class starts this week. I don’t mind helping anyone as long as they put the effort in, I am not exactly sold on if this particular inmate was putting enough effort in. After he departed I continued on with my workout. Oops, I almost forgot while I was running there was another much younger inmate (late 20’s) who was running on the track as well. I somewhat know him and he does run very fast. He doesn’t run very far but he does run fast. I was on my last lap and he was on his first lap. I decided to use him as a pacer and speeded up in order to keep up with him. I was able to keep up with him and ended up doing a very fast last mile of the 3.3 I had completed. The last mile was in 6 minutes and 43 seconds, in contrast to the first mile in 7 minutes and 36 seconds. Interestingly enough the inmate I used as a pacer only completed one more lap and he usually runs between 3 and 6 laps. My legs aren’t built for speed but it was good to “air” them out and this provided a nice change of pace. Also, I am not sure if running around the same track with the same scenery is conducive to effective training. I much prefer running on a treadmill and running on the streets outside these four walls. However; running inside here does put my mind on hold and does effectively clear my thoughts. In essence running has kept me sane and I am very grateful.

I thought I should get the protein drinks after performing the calisthenics prior to the Harvard Wall exercise. Although there is no way I can run after consuming the protein drinks but I can tolerate doing the Harvard Wall The wait in pill call line was not too bad at 15 minutes. I did figure something out yesterday while waiting for the protein drinks regarding my peculiar eating habits. I have a habit of eating only when I am hungry. I am not sure how this has developed but it is something I have done for a very long time. In fact, I have to go grocery shopping while I am hungry other wise I won’t want to purchase anything. This is contrary to the popular idea of only going shopping when a person is NOT hungry otherwise they will spend too much. I guess my case is extreme. I consumed the 2 protein drinks and knew I wouldn’t eat anything until dinner time because the drinks satisfied my hunger. I was right because after I finished almost an hour on the Harvard Wall and received the unlock into the dorm I headed directly to the sinks to wash my clothes. After this I showered and was not hungry. I was all finished writing for the day and I could have read but I opted to watch the AFC Championship game between the Colts and Patriots with my dorm mates. Once again, I viewed this as a fan and realized I like good teams. When I was a kid I became a fan of the Miami Dolphins because they win 2 Super bowls. I was not a fan of the local New York (Giants and Jets) teams when I was growing up because they weren’t very good back then. After the Miami Dolphins I became a fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers because they won 4 Super bowls. After the Pittsburgh Steelers I started my inauspicious compulsive gambling career and only cared about the team that covered the point spread.

As I watched the game the New England Patriots and Indianapolis Colts I realized I was rooting for the New England Patriots because they have been so good over the past 5 years much like the Miami Dolphins and Pittsburgh Steelers were when I was a kid. I have always admired great players and great teams. My compulsive gambling habit clouded this fact but looking back I was always a fan of Larry Bird, Magic Johnson, and Michael Jordan in basketball because of their greatness. While watching the game yesterday, I realized many of my dorm mates were rooting for the Indianapolis Colts. This isn’t quite correct; my dorm mates were rooting AGAINST the New England Patriots. I found this interesting because many people root against the great teams such as the New York Yankees. I have always been a New York Mets fan but over the past 10 years I have admired the Yankees because they have always performed well. I am not the type of person who begrudges others for their success rather I do admire them which is why I could be labeled a “front runner” when rooting for certain teams. (One thing about prison; it certainly has given me time for introspections and I have learned a great deal about myself. I am not so sure how earth-shattering these discoveries are but at the very least I have no self-destructive thoughts and all my thoughts are positive.) Thankfully I enjoyed the football games as a fan and even though the Patriots lost my life will go on. I was happy for Peyton Manning (quarterback for the Colts) and Tony Dungy (head coach for the Colts) because both of them have been so close to going to the Super bowl in the past, now they finally made it, good for them.

While the game was going on I passed on going to the cheeseburger dinner and made the usual “rice and beans”. For once I was able to take my bowl and eat the dinner in the television area while my dorm mates were at dinner. The television area is only 10 feet away from my bunk but the change of scenery was nice as was the quiet since only 3 other dorm mates stayed in the dormitory.

I was able to get a few hours of restful sleep and when 5:00 am came I was awake. This morning was just like every other Monday morning ad I looked forward to starting my work week. After returning to the dormitory I finished “Blinded” by Stephen White. The book was 493 pages and the story was wrapped up in 1 1/2 pages. There was literally 491 ½ pages of “back story” and 1 ½ of conclusion. The novel was very well written and the writing style was much better than “Cold Case” however, this story line had something to be desired. In summary, the prose was excellent but the story was terrible. The one positive about the novel was it moved along rapidly and was written at a very high level but I would not recommend it.

While I was waiting for the morning yard unlock I received notification of the books my mother sent me. The books did arrive here 10 days ago but this was the first time I was notified of their arrival. Now it may take me awhile to pick them up because this being the beginning of the quarter means many inmates receive their quarterly packages. The receiving area is very busy and I may have to wait until the weekend to pick them up. It was perfect timing because of the 13 books I received the last time my mom and sister sent books, I have read 11 of them. The 2 I haven’t read are still being read by my dorm mates. I have been like a library since receiving those books and my dorm mates have been very respectful by not keeping the books too long. Only one dorm mate has had a book for almost the month but he is still reading it and should be done soon. I look forward to picking up these books because I don’t know anything about which titles my mom sent, it will be a nice surprise.

I did spend most of the lunch hour listening to the news on the radio in hopes of learning the “land mark Supreme Court ruling” regarding prison sentences in California but I didn’t hear anything. Apparently many of my fellow inmates have heard but I have no idea if this “landmark ruling” applies to me and I will stay focused on getting to fire camp when I will receive a new release date.

Weekends Not So Bad

After my near miss with the Silver bullet, I was inside the dorm for the rest of the afternoon. I have detailed how much I dreaded the weekends; however, over the past few weekends they are truly not so bad. Amazingly enough the they go by pretty fast. I have settled into a nice routine on the weekends which makes the days pass rapidly. These last 3 months have gone by much quicker than the first 3 months. From every report I have received regarding fire camp, time there goes by even faster especially during fire season. I think that starts in late April and goes until the end of October. During fire season some of the fire camps stage 2 to 4 weeks at a fire and each firefighter works 24 hours on and 24 hours off. If this does happen to me I would imagine my writing would suffer but the time will fly by. My timing – which seems to be getting better – should be very good because if (of course this is a big IF) I am transferred to a fire camp in April this is the beginning of fire season and I would literally be jumping directly into the fire.

After lunch was completed I sat down with pen and paper. Somehow when I finished writing 3 hours had vanished. I am relegated to writing the old fashioned way and I do receive the occasional interruption mostly from my neighbor. These are welcomed interruptions especially yesterday when he was asking me to help him with the electronic game. By the way we are not allowed these word games. I think it was a holdover from a time where inmates could have electronic dictionaries and thesauruses. This was a very good diversion and helping him guess certain words did help activate parts of my brain which have been dormant for the past 6 months. In fact this game motivated me so much I took out a crossword puzzle and actually completed it. I have never been one for crossword puzzles or word searches but yesterday I fulfilled a certain need. Normally I would be very apprehensive about sitting inside the entire afternoon but now I am finding ways to make this time pass more quickly.

After finishing my writing and helping with the electronic game I picked up BLINDED. The novel is moving along quite well and the author’s writing style is far better than it was in COLD CASE. The lead character has some very sarcastic lines and metaphors. Also, the bulk of the story takes place in Boulder, Colorado. I have been there while visiting my younger sister who lives in Colorado. I found that city very fascinating and would like to visit there once again. I do need to share a passage in the book where the author describes a roasted vegetable hummus sandwich. One of the characters had a heart attack and needs to start eating healthy. The main character is a healthy eater and buys this sandwich. As the author details this sandwich, I really earned for it. I’m not sure how many readers were salivating at the detail but I sure did. I can’t wait to eat healthy foods once again because all this processed food is taking a toll on me.

While I was waiting for evening yard to open, one of the dorm mates was going through the television schedule for the next week. I was very interested because as I mentioned the programs “24” and “Heroes” are being aired back to back and I didn’t know which would be shown. As I found out, Heroes will be shown! I was very happy to hear this since it is the only show that I watch.

As I was waiting for a telephone sign up in the yard at night, I overheard two inmates talking behind me. I heard their entire conversation since they were right behind me. They were talking about rock concerts and how one inmate saw the Jefferson Starship featuring Grace Slick. He was describing the concert in detail and how Grace Slick made a statement as to how it is a tragedy that teachers, police, and firefighter earn less than professional athletics. The inmate went on to say (and please keep in mind this is a direct quote from him) “Yeah, the concert was right after 2/11 so this was a big deal back then.” Then he went on to ask the other inmate, “What year did 2/11 happen in?” When I heard this, I just shook my head in dismay. Obviously this inmate was referring to 9/11 and the events which took place on September 11, 2001. Those events happened five years ago and I can (sort of) understand not being aware of the year but mistaking the “2” for the “9” is inexcusable. The events of that day were without a doubt the most important events which took place on the US soil in history. However, I must remember I am in prison and unfortunately not many of my fellow inmates are history enthusiasts. Oh well, but if I were to ask this particular inmate what the chemical compounds are found in crystal meth, he would recite them without blinking an eye. I guess it has to do with what is important to the individual.

Once my name was called for the telephone sign-up, my friend and I continued our quasi power walk. He convinced me to get my protein drinks since there was no line. I don’t have access to a scale so I don’t know where my weight stands. I think I am where I started which was 140 pounds. Part of my brain knows I should be another 10 pounds heavier and the other part tells me when I have too much food. I make it a conscious effort to drink these protein drinks on a daily basis. I just have to overcome my fear of getting fat which I am working on one step at a time. Yesterday, being a Saturday was not at all that bad and dare I say –it was very tolerable!

Silver Bullet

I forgot to mention about the other day when I arrived back at the dorm after yard had been recalled, I walked in and heard some very loud angry voices emanating from near the bathroom area and thought this was very unusual. Over the past 3 months everyone in the dorm has gotten along quite well and I had not noticed any tension whatsoever. Well two of my dorm mates were having a rather animated discussion. I kept my distance, as did the rest of the inmates. However, it was impossible not to hear what was going on. Amazingly this discussion did not escalate into violence which made me very happy. These were two dorm mates of the same race as me which made the situation better. As is the case with just about every argument it was over something very stupid. I will try to be brief. There was an open bunk because one of the dorm mates had moved to another dorm the night before. The CO’s do their best to maintain the racial balance of each dorm and when “A” race moves out, it is replaced by “A” race. It is a “like for like” transaction. Also, the CO’s do allow transfers between the dorms per request. This means if a Bunkie moves out I can approach the CO and request to have someone I know move into that bunk as long as the race is the same. The argument was over how an inmate got transferred to the open bunk who is a friend of another dorm mate. The Bunkie to where this inmate moved in took exception because he was not informed. Apparently, no one was at fault because this inmate has been waiting to come into our dorm for quite awhile because the request was put in a month ago. Thankfully, no fists were thrown and all was great an hour later and the dorm mates made up. Tempers are bound to flare when 36 men live in a 500 square foot area day in and day out.

Yesterday all of the instructors with the exception of one did the entire PFT class to basically show off for the person from CDF who is responsible for their physical training. One particular instructor has told me several times that I am a role model to him because he always sees me training everyday. I don’t know about the fact of being a role model to anyone other than my children (and I have a long way to go in that department) because I train everyday for the simple fact that I really enjoy exercising. I thanked the instructor and did play down the role model comment. It is good to be noticed but that is not the reason why I do what I do each and everyday. I do my best to make each day count instead of simply counting the days. This would make my time go so much slower and I could not feel good about myself. I have heard a few comments similar to this one from other inmates and hopefully I am making a difference by doing what comes naturally for me. Each day I exercise and lately this exercise has gone up a notch. I try and maintain a positive attitude at all times and apparently I am being noticed by others. I am not an inspiration as I was told the other day; I am merely doing my best in this current situation. I do believe there is a reason why I was sent on this journey away from my family and it has most certainly saved my life. Not only has it saved my life, it has enhanced it immensely. I am experiencing something most people (thank God!) will never experience and it has given me a new outlook on life and I know my life is truly incredible.

When I took this class 3 months ago, I had to stop halfway through the second rotation and now nearly 3 months later this same class does not phase me in the least. Unfortunately, my career as a PFT instructor will be short lived as it will conclude at the end of the next PFT class in 2 weeks – assuming I am in the class as a student/instructor.

The coach and the representative from CDF did not say one word to any of the instructors as the class ended. This was very disappointing because I was hoping for some type of feedback at the conclusion of the class but there was none. We did have a meeting with the coach regarding the person from CDF. It appears some changes are coming probably a few months down the road. The representative was impressed with our program and he will push for having an instructor at each Fire Camp. Also, there is an additional test that this person wants the instructors to administer here which is a PAK test. This is required for all civilian wildfire firefighters. A 45 pound pack is strapped on to an individual and he must be able to walk 3 miles in 45 minutes. Once they do this they pass the test. The instructors would be responsible for this and would be certified which is a great fire camp resume builder. There are opportunities within the CDF and their contract agencies which is good to hear. The coach also told us that there are 420 spots open at fire camp in the coming months, and many of the inmates will be sent quickly. Finally, I asked the coach if there is anyway I can come back to being an instructor when I finish fire fighter training. He very nicely explained that it all depends on timing and he didn’t expect me to wait 3 months for fire camp and hopefully I will not.

After the afternoon session of the PFT Plus class I went directly to the “pill call line” and much to my surprise there was one person in line who was walking away from the window as I came up. I went directly to the window without any wait. This is a truly amazing fact! As I was drinking the two protein drinks I saw the CO approaching my dorm for the 1:45 pm unlock. The only problem was my dorm is located across the yard. I gulped the two drinks and then ran full speed to the basketball court to pick up my bag. Then I sprinted to the dorm and I reached the door as the CO was unlocking it which meant my timing was perfect FOR A CHANGE! In fact, it normally takes me 30 minutes to get through the pill call line which screws up my timing for the dorm unlock but not yesterday. All of the stars lined up perfectly and my transition was seamless. This does not happen often, come to think of it, this has NEVER happened so it was great that everything worked out so well. I am not sure if this makes sense to anyone other than me but I have become used to waiting and things not working out so it is special when something so mundane like this comes together. Once again the little things in life mean a great deal in my life.

Last night I started BLINDED by Stephen White. This is the same author who wrote COLD CASE and it includes the same main character. I wasn’t impressed with COLD CASE because it was too detailed for my taste. However, BLINDED is not nearly as detailed and a much easier read. I read the first 100 pages and do wonder where it is all headed but so far so good.

I had grits for breakfast but I believe there could be butter or something like butter in the grits because they didn’t taste too good. I did fill myself up which is my main concern. I was looking forward to doing a long run during the morning yard since it has been awhile that I performed one. However, the yard unlock came 45 minutes late and instead of doing 16 miles I set my sights on doing 13 instead.

As soon as the door opened, I went directly to the track because I didn’t have much time to run before the morning yard closed. I was having a very good run covering each mile in a 7 minute and 38 second pace. However, when I got to mile 8, my stomach didn’t feel so well and I immediately thought about the margarine laced grits and the apple I had for breakfast. I did all I could but (now I don’t mean to be gross and I will try not to be, so please bear with me or skip ahead. Thanks) I really had to go to the bathroom. Now there are two toilets out in the yard but they are stainless steel and provide no privacy. I have vowed never to use these “Silver Bullets” as they are aptly nicknamed – other than number 1. But as I finished mile 10, I was headed to the “Silver Bullet” because the alternative was far worse. Well, I guess God was looking down upon me because the CO was headed toward my dorm for an unscheduled unlock. When I saw this, I altered my path from the “Silver Bullet” to the door. Once again, my timing was impeccable and much to my surprise the toilet in the dorm was unoccupied. I barely and I do mean BARELY made it and haven’t felt that “relieved” in a long time! I did learn a valuable lesson this morning which was to lay off the grits and apple prior to any long distance running. All I can say is WHEW!

Waiting List

As we started the PFT class we agreed who would take what rotation and who would do the run. I decided to do it which is only 2 laps and the 3rd rotation. As I was completing the first lap an announcement came over the loudspeaker which stated “yard recall”. This was very unusual because it meant the afternoon yard was closed even though it had only been open for 20 minutes. This was more unusual because normally the alarm would have sounded and then the yard would have been recalled. However, yesterday afternoon there was only the announcement. I really wasn’t into the PFT class yesterday and I had finished all my exercising earlier so I didn’t mind having the yard close this early. Sometimes my timing is very good and the fact that I had completed all of my personal exercising prior to the yard closure was a very good move on my part. My plan prior to the yard closure was getting protein drinks and not eating anything until dinner which I was looking forward to because they were having pasta marinara and pizza – my favorite meal. However, I have learned to be flexible over the past 6 months and came up with an alternative plan. Also, I had time to write the one outstanding letter I needed to compose yesterday afternoon instead of this upcoming weekend.

I went back inside to shower and do laundry prior to eating the “Elvis” sandwich. Then I spent the rest of the afternoon writing and looking forward to dinner. It truly is a sad state when I am looking forward to overcooked pasta and cardboard pizza. The pizza reminds me of the Jeno brand frozen pizzas my mom bought when I was a kid. I was happy to get to the dining hall and didn’t have to ask for the vegetarian tray since everything was already meat-free. My neighbor gave me a slice of pizza so I had two slices. This was necessary because there were only four spoonfuls of pasta on my tray and everyone else’s. The tray also contained salad, mixed vegetables, Italian white beans and applesauce cake which I ate because it really wasn’t that sweet. I was able to eat everything for the first time since the last time this meal was served which was quite a while ago.

Last night was an evening yard and when I arrived back at the dorm I finished up the letter I started earlier in order for it to be mailed out this morning. I completed the letter and a dorm mate stopped by my bunk to tell me something. He saw the other dorm mate giving me his slice of pizza at dinner. He gave me some non-threatening advice which was regarding the “prison rules”. Apparently I forgot one of the fundamental rules while taking this slice of pizza. It was from a dorm mate who is not of the same race as me and this race is not an “affiliate” race of the one I belong to. I completely forgot about this because these rules don’t apply while inside the dorm. However, they do apply outside the dorm especially in the dining hall. I thanked my dorm mate for the wise reminder and hopefully I will remember the “rule” when I am in the dining hall. The upside to this is no one else has said anything so it may not be an issue. Hopefully, it will not be an issue but you never know especially in a place like this. I did drop my guard down because I have become comfortable. I must be mindful that no matter how comfortable I become I am still in prison and must abide by the rules. I am guessing I have been given one free pass and I cannot make a habit of this behavior or my safety would be in jeopardy. Once again my goal is to get out of this place in one piece and following the rules does help accomplish this.

Sad but true I have adjusted very well to my surroundings over the past 6 months. I have found my niche and have established a very good routine which has helped me to be strong both physically and mentally. I have not felt my safety being threatened since I left the County Jail and even though I made this faux pas last night in the dining hall I still do feel safe. With this stated I must stay vigilant and alert at all times. After all no matter how I slice it (no pun intended) this is still prison. I have become my own person over these past 6 months – however my key concern is staying safe so I will keep my guard up at all times.

The evening yard opened and it was time for the quasi-power walk with my friend and a telephone call to my mother. I was able to connect and I discovered the 15 minutes was actually 13 minutes of speaking time. It takes a minute plus to connect. My mother is extremely efficient during these telephone calls because she talks really fast and has a list of items she needs to discuss. I believe we got through the entire list and unfortunately most of my mom’s questions I had already answered in previous blogs. However, these blogs have not arrived as of yet even though they were sent over 10 days ago. I hope they’re only delayed and not lost because I am not sure if I can recreate these blogs from memory. I am sure they will arrive soon but mail does get lost especially coming out of an institution such as this one. Every piece of inbound and outbound mail is searched for paraphernalia. I don’t believe each letter is read because it would seem to me this would be a daunting task for the prison officials to perform and would also delay the mail for a very long time.

We talked about many subjects and things appear well with my mom. It is always good to speak with her and although we covered a great deal I could have used another 15 minutes to wrap up any loose ends. All the news I received was very positive and I am so happy my mom is a part of my family’s life. This very bad situation has turned out to be good in many different ways and having my family close to their grandmothers has turned out very well. One day (this may take more than a day) I will sit down and compose a list of all the people I am eternally grateful to and my mom would be way up on this list. She is a great person and I miss her very much.

The telephone call ended and I felt great. My “friend” and I continued our power walk for another 5 miles. This power walking session is also training for my “friend” as he will embark on the PFT class in a few weeks and he keeps thanking me for walking with him. He has this backwards because I should thank him since he is the one keeping me company as we walk because without him I would be walking alone and have no one to talk to. I look forward to our in depth conversations. These walks with my friend allow me to converse at a very comfortable level.

The other night as I went into the dorm when the evening yard closed I was encountered by a CO who I have not seen before and as I was going into the dorm he told me I had to send my gloves home. I asked why and he said because they are not authorized for this institution. I was not about to get into a discussion about this and just said “Ok” as I went inside. I received my gloves in a package which was inspected by one of the CO’s in the receiving area of the R&R department back in December. I have heard rumblings in the past few weeks that CO’s are confiscating gloves because the warden believes it does not get cold enough to warrant wearing gloves and inmates would only use them for nefarious acts. The temperature has been 22 degrees and the only pockets I have are in my denim jacket which has no lining. I understand the need for rules and following orders especially in here. I would like to see a memo from the warden detailing the reason for this. If I have to send them home, I will but I won’t be happy about it. Yes, this is another event completely out of control which I will accept. As a side note – all of the CO’s wear gloves, wool hats, and scarves.

A little before 5:00 am I woke up to the sound of a CO shaking the bunk 2 down from mine. This dorm mate had draped 2 sheets over his bunk and he was not visible to the CO. He tried to wake this dorm mate up by yelling and shaking the bunk. The odd part about this was this dorm mate was not in his bunk, he was in the bathroom. The shaking and yelling not only woke me but just about everyone else in the dorm. I am not sure why some of my dorm mates place the tent over their bunks which shield them from the CO’s when they know full well they have stated over and over again not to do this or they will be wakened. The fact that this dorm mate was in the bathroom does not excuse him because he should have taken the sheets down when he left. I normally wake up around 5:00 but I prefer to wake up on my own rather than with a big commotion. This is yet another reminder that my life is in the hands of others and it really is not a good feeling but it is part of my punishment.

After breakfast I finished THE POISONED ROSE by D. Daniel Judson. I did mention it is a short book which was good because the storyline was anything but happy. The book sort of reminded me of the movie LEAVING LAS VEGAS which had a rough storyline. This novel was okay but the message was very dark. Most books I have read do have happy endings so this was certainly a change of pace but I didn’t feel very good after reading it. The title was very appropriate and prophetic.

There were two lists posted on the wall near the basketball court. I made my way over and discovered these were “wait lists” for both the PFT and FFT classes. I looked at the PFT class and noticed my name for the first time since arriving here some 3 months ago. This meant I had officially been placed in the PFT pool of inmates. This also meant my counselor did exactly what he said he would do. I was not on the FFT list because I am waiting for the final paperwork issue of what is called a “gate pass.” According to my counselor it is being processed and should be complete in a few weeks. This is fine because it is a one step at a time process and the first step has already been complete. I should be enrolled in the next PFT class as a student / instructor which starts next Tuesday. The timing of completing this class and having my gate pass completed could work out very well. The PFT class will conclude on February 2nd and my gate pass should be complete by then which would allow me minimal wait time before starting the FFT class. Conceivably I could be completed with all the necessary training in order to get to fire camp by the third week of February and placed in a Fire Camp by the end March. Of course this is in a perfect world and so far my world has been anything but perfect; however, it does mean I am getting closer to fire camp which means I am getting closer to my family.

Running Ability

The Facilitator Training Class ended early enough yesterday afternoon so I could get in a workout. Once again while I was performing these exercises I had a few inmates approach me. Their biggest concern was the “list” the coach was supposed to post informing them whether or not they would be able to take the test today. I was not in the earlier PFT class because I was in the training class so I had no clue about any of this which I told the inmates. When I am exercising, I like to maintain a rhythm. Unfortunately, many of the inmates are not aware of this and talk incessantly. I try not to be annoyed but sometimes my emotions do show. I have been patient up to this point but yesterday as one of the students was talking to me, I stopped very briefly to talk but continued on with my exercises. It took awhile but the student – who by the way is someone I do know fairly well over the past 3 months – got the message and moved on. I don’t believe I am rude but if I were to stop and talk with everyone I would get nothing accomplished.

I stayed out in the yard until it closed at 4:00 pm and went back to the dorm without any protein drinks. I made it back for mail call and lately mail has been much less than usual. I am not sure if it is the combination of all the holidays this month or my friends and family are growing tired of writing me but my mail delivery has lessened considerably. I did receive 2 pieces of mail from 2 dear friends and I am always grateful to receive any mail. Afterward, I had to fold clothes that I got back from the laundry. I’m not sure how the clothes are laundered but they come back extremely wrinkled, especially the shirts. I guess the washing machines and dryers are stuffed to capacity because everything looks like it has been rolled up into a ball for the past 2 years.

I attended dinner because rice was on the menu. When I arrived at the dining hall, it was standing room only. Some dinners are more popular than ever but I had no idea beef stew was such a big draw. I found out it wasn’t the beef stew; it was the Cadbury Ice Cream Cone that was so popular. Of course I gave mine away to the “rapid eater” and he was very reluctant to take it. Normally I can give away my dessert without any problems and I would have thought everyone would jump at the chance but that was not the case. I had to convince him to take it because I was not going to eat it. He finally took it and was very appreciative.

When I got back to the dorm I composed 2 letters to those that I received today. I was going to do this over the weekend but my compulsive obsessive behavior got the best of me. I don’t like having any unanswered letters lying around. I do have one unanswered letter which I am saving because the letter will take time to write, but with said I do feel strange having not answered this letter. My entire was spent by writing and I had no energy left to read so I turned in at the normal time. Prior to turning in, I received some potentially bad news that I may not get to watch HEROES because it might be opposite of 24 and my dorm mates prefer 24 to HEROES. I was looking forward to watching that show, but if I can’t then so be it.

I was finally able to get a restful night sleep for a change last night. I made it all the way through to 5:00 am without waking up which is some kind of record for me. Breakfast was the typical hot cereal and I managed to smuggle out 2 bananas which was certainly a bonus. I think the combination of recovery therapy in the Facilitator Training class and exercise provided me with the good nights sleep. I am still waiting for the “vegetarian card” which the CO on Monday was supposed to obtain for me. He may have washed his hand and along with it went the reminder. This particular CO only works on my tier on Monday and Tuesdays so I have not seen him since. I will wait until next Monday or until the next time I get asked to present the “vegetarian card” which ever comes first to follow up on this issue.

Today was the final day of the current PFT class and it was scheduled to start mid-morning. The late start gave me the time to do my own workout prior to starting the class since no one showed up. I ran 5 miles before the class and I knew I would cover 5 more miles power walking and walking in the class. This would give me 10 miles for the morning. As I was running prior to class I received some strange looks from the inmates who have come to know me over these past 3 months. It seemed they were wondering why I was running before class especially since it was test day for the students. I even got a few “Slow down.” “Don’t you ever take it easy?” type comments. As I mentioned previously my running ability has reached a very comfortable point and it is great to run “ache free”.

Test day is my favorite part of the 9 day PFT class because it is the culmination of all the hard work the students have put into class. Unfortunately, I would not be able to lead or be a back pacer because the 2 student / instructors had these positions. I was able to be a side pacer for the entire 4 mile walk and did call many of the cadences. By test day the students who have not mastered the power walk are not allowed to participate in the test so everyone normally makes the power walk in the allotted 52 minute time frame. The class was larger than normal and was split into two groups after the power walk. My group went to the high bar for a 60 second hang and the other group went to the Harvard Wall where they would do 5 minutes on each leg. I don’t like it when the students fall off the high bar in less than the allotted 60 seconds. Unfortunately, there were a few casualties this morning. This means that these students have to take the class all over again. One of these casualties was a student who is now in his fourth class. He was in my first PFT class when I started over 2 months ago. he stood out back then because he was extremely cocky during that first class but has gotten less and less cocky over the subsequent classes. To say he has been humbled would be accurate and failure does seem to produce humility. I believe by the look on his face as he fell off the high bar he was downright flabbergasted and extremely dejected. It will be interesting to see if he does return for the next class.

This was my fourth test with the coach and I must say he was very lenient today as he graded the students. They receive either a passing grade or a failing grade. The coach failed 10 students and 56 students passed. All of the failing grades were caused by students not being able to perform the particular task. In fact, all of these students eliminated themselves and were not failed on any technicalities. I know the coach would never admit to this but I believe he was showing the students some “love” (prison slang for being nice) and he watched them this morning because of what happened 3 weeks ago when the entire class failed due to the substitute’s comments to Administration. My favorite part of test day is the final task – the one mile run. Unfortunately, I could not participate because I had to assist in the PFT class. I did watch from the sidelines as all the students crossed the finish line in the required 9 minute time frame and let out a huge sigh of relief and victory. The smiles these students produced at this point are so genuine and even the tough looking guys can’t help but to smile from ear to ear. If the prison could bottle the moment each student passes the finish line as they complete the test, there wouldn’t be any return visitors. All of these students receive a sense of accomplishment which unfortunately does fade, but it is great when it happens. This moment makes my position so rewarding because I know anyone if given the proper training can accomplish good things. This is just like life when given the right attitude, tools, and training – the sky is the limit. I have been given the right tools and training in my recovery. Continuing with the proper attitude, I know I can and will accomplish positive things. The lessons of this journey continue.

Day Two Facilitator Training

As I arrived in front of the dormitory yesterday from the Facilitator Training I saw an inmate who is currently enrolled in the PFT class. He seemed concerned that I wasn’t at the PFT class that morning and asked where I went. I did explain about the Facilitator training. He didn’t seem too interested in what I had to say which was unfortunate because the pre-release program could be the most important program available in the California Prison system yet only 8,000 out of 200,000 parolees have taken advantage of this program. Those who have taken advantage of this program have certainly benefited while those who haven’t are missing something very beneficial. The conversation turned to the PFT class which ends tomorrow with the test. I did my best to motivate this student and as he departed he said, “See you later “O.G.”. I have outlined that O.G. means Old Guy. I have not been called this before and I was taken aback. This inmate cannot be much younger than me and I have known him since the reception center. In fact, he tried to workout with me at the reception center but quit halfway through the session because he could not go any further. I guess the “O.G.” comment was bound to happen since I am older than most other inmates. Hopefully, I can chalk this comment up to an isolated incident since I certainly don’t feel like an “Old Guy”! I must say I am in fairly good physical shape for an “O.G.”. However, I did look at myself in the mirror while I was in the restroom in the Education Department. This mirror and the lighting were much better than the mirror and lighting in the dorm’s bathroom. I did notice that my face has lines. Not really wrinkles but lines which are very noticeable. I have been exposed to the sun constantly for the past 3 months and do have good color but I guess the lines are more prominent. I am 41 years old which is not old but on the same token it is not young. No matter I do feel very good and are a few years from an official “O.G.” status.

Yesterday being day one of the Facilitator Class provided a nice break in the routine. I was exposed to a classroom setting and a very good member (the Coordinator) of the Education Department. I was feeling a little off because I only got to do the first 2 miles of the power walk and I sat behind a desk the rest of the day. This made my laundry very brief because I had to only concern myself with my underwear and it is always a positive when I can get away with washing fewer clothes. I was very hungry when I got back to the dorm since I did not eat any lunch so I did make a late PB & Banana sandwich. I really do enjoy these sandwiches and it is unfortunate because we only receive bananas once or twice a week. The bananas are a good alternative to the strawberry jam. Also, I was not going to the filet o fish dinner (yes, this entrée appears to be a weekly staple) so I had plenty of time to eat. Once again I enjoyed the 17 minutes of peace as my dorm mates went to dinner.

I had some writing to do before the evening yard opened. I finished my writing and made my last “ready to eat meal” of pasta with vegetables. This meal is actually very tasty for a “heat n serve” product. It is not very big and only contains 220 calories but it hit the spot a few hours after the PB & Banana sandwich. I did not want a repeat performance of Sunday night so I waited by the door for the unlock. My “friend” was waiting for me when the unlock was provided by the C/O. The air temperature was a little warmer than it has been so the quasi-power walk felt good. I also had purchased a telephone call for a package of dried beans but was provided with 3 soups as change in this transaction. The actual dollar amount of this transaction was 50 cents. I was going to call my wife earlier in the day but the Facilitator Training class nixed the scheduled telephone call which is why I purchased a telephone call in the evening. I was able to place and receive the telephone call to my wife. This telephone call was one of the more serious calls we have had in a while. Apparently one of the Federal Government Agencies is going to pay me a visit next month. Normally visits are positive and welcomed, however; this visit is not a personal one it is all business. I have no idea why they would visit me here since there is no way I can provide them with the documents they have requested. I am sure something will be worked out so they will not have to visit me. I have no problem sitting down and speaking with them but it appears to be a waste of their time. Last night when my wife and I were discussing this issue I did feel angry not at my wife but at the situation. I thought once I was sentenced back in July I could actually move forward. However; there are still some lingering issues which need to be resolved. The more I thought about this situation the better (yes, the better) I started to feel these events are entirely out of my concern and have to do with my behavior of over 2 years ago. There is no need for me to be angry, hurt or to feel sorry because it will only bring me down and hold me back. My recovery is all about moving forward in a positive direction which I am doing everyday. I am not going to worry about this pending visit and if it happens I will be more than willing to speak with whoever comes. I cannot erase those events which will continue to crop up and I must face then with my head held high and with dignity which is what I will do.

My wife and I also spoke about another serious subject and I must say my wife has been great during this entire situation and has kept any negative things from me. I have said I want to know both the good and bad, however; until last night I have only heard the good. My wife did share something with me and unfortunately there is little to nothing that I can do to address this problem while I am in here. I will do something but I am not sure how effective this will be but I do know this “problem” will work itself out over time. My term will be served and I will be able to with my family next year. We will be altogether and any negative which has occurred to that point will diminish. I am focused on my recovery which not only includes my compulsive gambling addiction; it also concerns how I view life. I know life is precious and I must make everyday count which I am currently doing and will continue to do one day at a time for a lifetime. The road maybe a bit rocky to start out but everything will be great because I finally know how to live a positive life.

The telephone call with my wife went as it always does very fast. We only spoke about 2 subjects and as I hung up the telephone I thought how blessed I am to have such an incredible person for a wife. Yes, I messed things up and she is holding everything together with all she has. My wife is doing a great job in the awful situation and I know everything will be fine. We still have another year to go until we can pick up the pieces together but for now my wife is doing great. I am eternally grateful for my wife.

After the telephone call I was able to secure a telephone sign up for Thursday evening in hopes of speaking to my mother. Then I went back to walking with my friend. We were able to get in 4 miles of walking so the day was not a total waste for me when it comes to exercising. It seems my “friend” and I seem to talk about the same things as we walk. However; last night I told him about the facilitator training and told him he should have filled out the application when we both got it last week. After all he was the one who introduced me to this opportunity and got me an application. Timing is certainly everything and over the course of the past 6 months my timing has been less that stellar. However; with the facilitator training it could not have worked out any better for me. I did inform my “friend” there would be another training class in 5 to 6 weeks and he gave me his application to hand deliver to the Coordinator. I did this earlier this morning so my “friend” will be in the next Facilitator Training Class. Also as we walked we did talk about the latest rumor regarding the prison overcrowding reform. I won’t bother writing about it since it would be a waste of time. However; we both feel something is going to happen in a few months which should be positive. Once again we had a great walk and talk. I realized he is the only inmate I talk to at length with any substance and I do look forward to the evening walks. The yard was closing and it was back to the dorm for a small bowl of oatmeal before I retired for the evening. I have not had the protein drinks since Saturday and needed to maintain my calorie count so I opted for the bowl of oatmeal even though it was 9:00 pm. The oatmeal hit the spot and I read until 10:00 pm before falling asleep.

Maybe it was the oatmeal but I did it again, I woke at 3:00 am wide awake and refreshed. I really thought it was time for me to get up and start the day so I was disappointed when my watch read 3:07 am. I did force myself to stay in my bunk but my mind started to drift. Fortunately my mind was focused on the positives in my life which are my family and incredible friends. I had some very positive self-talk at this early hour. Eventually I did drift off to sleep with a smile on my face. I stayed in bed until 5:30 am since there wasn’t any early breakfast. The Coach stated yesterday that it has been too cold at 7:00 am so we should start at 9:00 am. This meant I couldn’t get any of the PFT class in because the Facilitator Training started an hour earlier. This was just as well because I didn’t have to get changed out of my PFT uniform into my “blues” outside. I was able to stay in my “blues” and go to the training class. I did make one observation during this morning which was the farina looks and tastes like dirty dishwater. Amazingly this has not stopped me from eating it since it is the only item on the tray I could eat and I am all about the calories disregarding taste. Obviously the farina has become my least favorite hot cereal but does add calories to my stomach.

I made my way over to the Education Building in order to start Day Two of the facilitator training. As we went through the materials which are aptly titled “Living Free” and “Breaking Barriers” I realized all the information was very familiar. Everything we spoke about today I have learned and continue to learn from Gamblers Anonymous. I have been supplied with an incredible foundation through GA and it was re-enforced through today’s materials. I watched two more video tapes from the “Breaking Barriers” series. One of the speakers on the tape was Hyrum Smith who is a very dynamic speaker. The tape was shot at a prison in Oregon and Mr. Smith had an incredible presence as he spoke. One of the things he spoke about was called “the Franklin Reality Model” and in the model Mr. Smith offered his definition of addiction which is “compulsive behavior with short-term benefits and long-term destruction”. This certainly sums up addiction very well and although the topic was focused on drug addiction I was able to relate it to my compulsive gambling addiction very well. In fact our class had a very good conversation regarding addiction and this conversation seemed to awaken my senses. I realized how much I missed the GA meetings as we spoke. I was able to add my thoughts to this conversation and I felt very good as I did this.

The Facilitator is more than merely a Facilitator (if you will) for the pre-release program at the fire camps. The Facilitator is a conduit for what could be a life changing program and the facilitator must buy off on the program. From what I have seen over these past two days I am very impressed. I am very happy to be possibly associated with this program. I say “possibly” because even though I have completed the training program there is no guarantee I will be placed into a fire camp where I can be a facilitator. I will do everything in my power to become a facilitator once I get there because this program will make a difference in my life and lives of other inmates. I have been in recovery for almost 2 years and all these principles which I follow everyday are incorporated into this program. The best decision I have made in this bad situation was entering the rooms of Gamblers Anonymous. The GA Program continues to reap benefits in so many different ways and I will be forever grateful.

The Prison system in California has a very bad reputation with its high recidivism rate and overcrowding. However, the program I sat thought over the past two days is certainly a “diamond in the rough”. It doesn’t appear that the California Prison system has the resources available to roll this program out to all parolees. However; this is doing a disservice to the parolees. This program should be a mandatory part of a parolee’s release program. Sure some will be resistant but there will be others who will be very grateful for attending the sessions. I am different from the average inmate but the 11 other inmates in this training session were all impressed by the Program. I do believe this Program could be the start of something very positive in the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitations; and it could make the rehabilitations segment more important than the corrections segment. If the true purpose of prison is to reform the inmate this program is the way to go. The past two days were an eye opener for me and contained the most positive content I have seen in a very long time.