Everyone is a Victim

When I first saw the official complaint filed against me last year there were two things that struck me; the first was seeing the "People of California" officially filing charges against me in the Superior Court of Riverside County. I did not realize at the time I had wronged the "People of California" subsequently I realized I have. The second item was seeing my ex-employer labeled the "victim". Of course they were the victim because I stole from them but I when I first saw this in print I had a hard time wrapping my arms around this term.

As I have progressed through these past 14 months I do realize that my actions have some incredible consequences and one is being held responsible for those actions by the "People of California". Also; as I have moved through this period and started my recovery from compulsive gambling I do realize there are so many more "victims" of my actions other than the only one stated in the formal complaint.

The list of victims is long and unfortunately or fortunately the first one on the list starts with me. By neglecting my compulsive gambling addiction I became a victim of my own actions. I am not taking a poor as me stance I am stating a truth; I certainly regret my actions but at the time my compulsive gambling addiction took over my thought processes. This by no means lessens my responsiblity for those actions in fact I take full responsibility for those actions. After myself comes my ex-employer I victimized them (obviously) by my actions and thus made them a victim of my crime. Also; on this list is my dear wife who had no idea I was leading this secret life; I have altered her future but I thank God each and everyday for her unbelievable love and support. My children were victimized by my actions because their lives have been turned upside and their seemingly peaceful existence has been forever altered.

My immediate family such as my mother, father, mother-in-law, sisters, and in-laws have been victimized by my actions because I put each one of these people in a situation they did not need to be in. Also; the countless lists of friends and ex-co-workers who lives have been rearranged by my actions.

All of my actions are in the past and I don't mean to dwell there but I read an article earlier today about employers who have been victimized by embezzlement. The article struck a chord with me because it was about a controller with Goodwill Industries. You know Goodwill Industries; it is where you donate your used clothing and other goods that will be sent to charity or sold so the profits can go to charity. This woman was a 27 year employee who embezzled over $500,000 to fund her compulsive gambling habit.

What struck me about the article was how it was written with the employer in mind and how the employer was dealing with the theft. There really was no formal mention about how destructive compulsive gambling can be. Here we have a woman in her 60's who has been a long standing employee and for all intents and purposes she was well liked and trusted. I would guess she didn't wake up one day and say hey I going to steal from the company I have worked for over 20 years just for the Hell of it. I can only speak for myself but I can fully testify to the power of this addiction and how it makes seemingly normal law abiding citizens do sinister things.

I did those sinister things because I had to place the next bet much like this lady. The article states she played dime slots but what the article fails to mention that those dime slots act like $5 machines because the maximum play on those machines is five dollars every time you pull the lever. It is not like she lost a half a million dollars one dime at a time; she got addicted to gambling and thought she could "borrow" from the company for a short period of time and then pay the company back but I know in my circumstance there is not enough money for me to get even because I would gamble with abandon and without thought of the consequences until everything was gone.

I do realize the article was trying to make a point about those who have been victimized but I believe the author could have gone into greater detail about compulsive gambling. The poor lady and in fact the poor employer were victimized by this horrible addiction. This is a perfect but rather unfortunate example of what this addiction can do to people.

I know people are responsible for their own actions; however; as we as a society see more and more of these crimes there has to be something done about it. I know gambling in all forms is here to stay but the education and awareness component is definitely lacking. The old saying of why didn't you just stop should be a saying of the past. If we look at the real reasons for these crimes then we can start to realize the magnitude of this addiction.

I do know as the Judge stated 9 days ago; not all compulsive gamblers commit crimes and thank God or our society would be completely upside down but MANY compulsive gamblers do commit crimes. Those that do commit crimes are not bad people but people with a very BAD addiction. Do they belong in jail? If you look at it in black and white; they just like me committed a crime and with crime comes punishment; in today's society punishment is in the form of jail.

However; I believe it was President John F. Kennedy who did not view life in black and white and in fact there are so many shades of gray. He stated people with a mental illness should not be punished but should be helped to become law abiding citizens. I believe it was President Kennedy who instilled all the mental health assistance laws we have in our society. I know we are getting further away from this in our conservative society but if we continue to lock up the sick people then there will be no one left.

"Bonus" Saturday

This morning was unlike other Saturday mornings in the past 13 1/2 months because I did not attend the Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting. I did not attend the meeting because I had a conflict; my son had a soccer game at the same time of the meeting and the regular coach couldn't make the game so he had asked me to be the coach for today. Of course I said and yes, and I do understand the importance of the GA meeting and I also understand the importance of being at my son's soccer game. I do know that without my recovery I wouldn't have to make these choices because all of my choices would be gone so I must be cognizant each and every day of my behavior.

My behavior over the past 13 1/2 months has allowed me to fully enjoy life. This morning was one of those great days. It was a great Southern California day weather wise and I got to take part in my son's soccer game. The game lasts about an hour and it is great. The kids have a wonderful time and no one takes it too seriously. Thank God they don't take it too seriously because these kids are five and six years old and all they care about is running around on the field.

We don't really keep score so winning and losing are secondary to having fun. I had fun and the kids had fun which is all that matters. On the score front; my son's soccer team hasn't scored more goals than their opponent in all the games they have played so far but it doesn't matter to any of the kids. The kids were happy to run around and get their snacks after the game. It is great to be a five year old!!

After my son's game I had the pleasure of running 12 miles before my daughter's soccer game. I realized I do like to run and I do like the feeling I get when I run and after I run. When I am running I do get the sensation of the endorphins in my brain which blocks out all that is going on inside my head. I ran for an hour and half so for this time all I concentrated on was my run. Also; I do like how my legs feel after my run. Yes, they are sore but it is a good kind of sore; I know I am using my legs in a positive manner which makes me feel very good. By the way; the talk I had with the person who spent the last five years in prison; he had told me he ran 15 miles a day while he was in prison. At least I have something to look forward to.

This afternoon was my daughter's soccer game on a glorious afternoon. She is 8 years old and the parents seem to take these games a little more serious than my son's game. I guess the expectations grow as we get older. It is still fun but some parents are more serious than others and it is sad to see the children of the "serious" parents don't seem to be having as much fun as the other children.

I try my best to encourage my daughter without putting any pressure on her because God knows she puts so much pressure on herself. She does have fun but I know if I put any kind of pressure on her it would be detrimental to her development. I just hope she continues to get the fun aspect of the sport as opposed to the serious aspect. Being 8 years old is a little tougher than being 5 years old but she is a GREAT kid.

This evening we are having our dear friends over with their children to play games and just relax. These are great friends who have been there for both my wife and I over this past year. I am so grateful for their support and friendship. Speaking of friendship; last night I went with a dear friend (one-half of the couple who is coming over tonight) to see United 93. My wife was worried she would be disturbed after she saw the movie so she passed on going so I found out my friend was interested and we decided to go.

I am so glad I saw the movie because it was one of the best made movies I have seen in a long time. I believe everyone should see this movie as a reminder to what happened on September 11, 2001. Much like the reasons I am involved in Gamblers Anonymous; I should never ever forget where my gambling took me this movie showed me; we as a country should never ever forget what happened on that day almost five years ago.

We as a people and a society have a tendency of forgiving and forgetting. It is okay to forgive and I know because I have been given so much forgiveness from so many people but I must never forget what I did to myself and those around me. Much the same way this movie; United 93 tells the story of how we as country got caught with our pants down and 20 people took advantage of our laziness. We (also me) must not be lazy or we (me) are doomed to repeat our (my) mistakes of the past. The movie was excellent and but I must warn anyone who is going to see it the last 10 minutes are the most intense 10 minutes I have ever seen in any movie. The theater was silent as in you could hear a pin drop when the movie ended. My recommendation is to go see it as a history lesson and don't ever forget this lesson.

Step Nine

Before getting into Step Nine of the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery Program I would like to make an announcement. It has come to my attention that although Gamblers Anonymous is an international organization and is in many different countries there are still parts of this country who do not have access to this wonderful Program. If there is anyone interested in starting their own Gamblers Anonymous meeting please contact the International Service Office of GA and request a new meeting kit. It is truly an amazing Organization and they will send you all the materials needed to start a meeting. I do realize GA is not for everyone but I need to sing their praises because they have given me my life back.

Enough of the public service announcement on to Step Nine of the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery Program; Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. This is the action step created by Step Eight where I made a list of all persons who I harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. I do need a great deal of courage to complete Step Nine because it means facing people directly who I have harmed. This step will require me to take my lumps because what I have done to some people cannot be easily rectified with a cash payment. Most of my harm was emotional and yes, there was the financial end but that is being resolved by the court system.

This step is going to take a great deal of time to finally complete but I do know I must actively pursue this step in order to continue my recovery. The emotional harm I caused my family cannot be easily rectified in one day, one week or one year it is a lifetime process. I believe as long as I continue to work my recovery to the best of my ability and follow the GA Program I will continue to make amends to my family. I cannot undue all my past deeds I can only live today with a positive purpose and I pray to God this positive purpose stays with me for the rest of my life.

I cannot take away the emotional harm I brought on to my mother, father and mother-in-law. I do know I have some tremendous support from all three of these magnificent people but I cannot screw up again or my amends (working my recovery) will be for nothing. I will do my best to not screw up and thus my amends is how I live each day with honesty, open-mindness and willingness to recover from my compulsive gambling addiction.

I don't know how to make amends to the people I worked with. I do know there are some incredible people whom I worked with that are still there and yet they have been supportive of me through this entire ordeal. They have been supportive even though they have been directed to have no contact with me whatsoever by my previous employer these are special people and part of my blessings. I guess I must have done something right when I worked there and I guess some of these people see the true Paul not the out of control compulsive gambler Paul who did those terrible things.

I have written letters to many of my co-workers because at this present time I cannot see them in person who they may lose their jobs. I would not put their jobs in jeopardy but I do foresee a time where all my legal matters will be resolved and one by one I will try to make amends directly to those I hurt.

I know no matter what I do or what I say there will be people who want nothing to do with me and that is okay because I cannot change people's thought processes. I can only do my best and hopefully it will come across as sincere and genuine. I did not set out to hurt anyone yet the madness over the course of 20 years hurt so many people. The financial part is insignificant to the emotional part. I will be making my amends each and everyday so long as I walk this earth.

Doing the Right Thing

All of my life I have tried to do the right thing but somewhere amongst my compulsive gambling this right thing became doing the right thing for me at the time so I could continue to gamble. It really is incredible the lengths I went to keep gambling. Now those incredible lengths have led to some incredible consequences such as losing my house, car, career and soon my freedom. All of this was brought back to me as I spoke with someone who is at a stage I was I at a few years ago. This person is battling their compulsive gambling addiction and was looking for advice. I was fortunate enough to speak with this person and relay what I have learned.

I have learned that life is not meant to be lived lying, cheating, stealing and with a guilty conscience. Life is meant to be lived with an honest purpose and hopefully the words I used hit home. I remember having a similar conversation with someone about one year ago but the roles were reversed. I have learned so much in this past it truly is amazing and I was so happy to be on the giving side of the conversation this time.

I have been given a gift of some extra time in regards to my freedom and I fully intend to use this time wisely and enjoy each and everyday. Over the past few days I have had the honor and privilege of speaking to a few people who are at the very early stages of their recoveries. I don't know how much wisdom I can shed but I tried my best. I was told many years ago that if I deny my compulsive gambling addiction there are things that will certainly happen to me and I believe the word was "yet". They were absolutely correct all those things happened to me and what I thought would be impossible turned out to be very possible and now I will pay the price for those "yets".

I pray to God no one goes through what I have gone through but I would be naive to think I can save the world. I cannot save the world I can only save me which is the most important aspect in my recovery. If I don't save me then it is all over. I will continue doing everything in my power to work my recovery to the best of my ability and part of this is sharing my story with others. If I do touch one person and that person seeks help for the madness then I am helped.

I want to touch on somethings that were said to me this past week in regards to my sentencing hearing last week. First I can't believe it has been a week already; time does fly!! In that courtroom and in the judge's eyes I was being punished for my behavior because it was criminal. Yes, it was due to my inability to control my compulsive gambling addiction but that does not excuse the behavior. I was a compulsive gambler who stole and I will be punished for those activities. In the judge's eyes the punishment should be state prison because of those actions but that is not the entire story. I lost my career, house, car, and any liquid asset which to some is punishment as well. I thank God I have not lost my wife and children because without them the road to recovery would have been much tougher.

Through the love of my family and friends I will make it and continue to be a better person. I have lost so much but I have gained so much in losing all of those trivial possessions. I have gained myself , my family and some magnificent friends. I gained a new appreciation for life and gained a new purpose in life. Yes, I am being punished for the behavior of the old Paul and I will do everything in my power to ensure the new real Paul will continue to grow in a positive direction.

Good Idea Bad Timing

A few months ago I told my mother about a concept I had for a book on addiction. This book would be a pictorial of the real people who are effected by addiction. The book would consist of only pictures and would be in black and white. I thought this to be a truly good idea but as ideas go in my life I have a hard time putting them into practice. As an aside when I was 10 years old and when the microwave was first introduced I thought of the idea of microwave popcorn.

Actually; I believe I may have been the first person to ever have microwave popcorn. I remember taking the popcorn kernels and putting them in a bowl with a cover on it and putting it in the microwave. The taste was less than desired but the concept was there. Also; I thought of the concept of seedless watermelon around the same time and as we all know both microwave and seedless watermelon became a reality a few years later. These were good ideas but my timing and execution were a little off!

I digress (sorry!!); back to the concept of the pictorial book on the real faces of addiction. Earlier today I received an email which asked me if I wanted to participate in a book called "Expressions of Addiction". It is a pictorial of people with addiction. You can read more about it here. So much for my timing!!! Also; I do know of the author in fact I met this man at the Problem Gambling Conference in Las Vegas last December. He is head of the Harvard University Medical School of Addiction and was hosting the conference in Las Vegas. Mr. Shaffer works with the American Gaming Association to raise the awareness of problem gambling across the country. There is much controversy regarding these two entities but I will not get into that I am just happy to see someone take a proactive approach and chronicle the real people of addiction.

When I had the interview with the Las Vegas Recovery Center I had a discussion regarding the stereotypes of addiction. The Las Vegas Recovery Center is very big into Narcotics Anonymous and wants to end the stereotype of a recovering drug addict. They feel that Alcoholics Anonymous has an unfair advantage over other recovery groups because it has become very mainstream. They maybe correct because when I think of people that may attend NA they may not be the people I would like to hang around with.

I would have thought this prior to entering Gamblers Anonymous but I know anyone in a recovery program regardless of the Program is just trying to get their life in order. These are good people who have let their addiction get the best of them just like me and they are trying to get back to the world of sanity. They were insane just like myself and now their recovery program will deliver them back to sanity. These are blessed people because I know they have saved my life and no matter the recovery program the principle is the same people helping people arrest their addiction through a proven formula of working the Steps.

No matter what any thinks stereotypes are very hard to cast aside and they are a part of society, unfortunately. Yes, there are stereotypes in all addictions and I wouldn't even want to guess what "normal" people think about addictions. However; as a recovering compulsive gambler I know I am a blessed person because I have chose recovery over the madness of gambling. I don't like to make blanket statements because this maybe another form of stereotyping but anyone involved with any recovery program has my admiration and no matter their race, color, creed, politics, sexual orientation I believe these are great people because they are making all the right choices.

For so long in my life I made all the wrong choices and now in 422 days I have made all the right choices. One right choice is to not gamble today and work my Program to the best of my ability. This right choice has led to so many magnificent moments and I look forward to making this right choice one day at a time for a lifetime.

I am really enjoying this "bonus" time because this afternoon I got to listen to my "twin" speak a the GA Speakers meeting. I was sad last week to think I would not be part of this meeting but when I received my temporary reprieve on Friday one of things I was looking forward to was this meeting. It was a great meeting and we had a great showing. My twin did a fantastic job explaining how the Program works and I believe my twin hit a chord with everyone in that room. I am forever grateful for these people and this remarkable Program.

Finally, there are people in this world who really understand addiction and most of those people have been intimately effected by addiction. It really is hard to understand addiction if you have not been affected by it but I am grateful for my addiction because I know there is a road to recovery and this road has led and will continue to lead to a great life.

Chaos and Serenity

The last of our visitors departed today. My mother-in-law my wife's mother left this afternoon. Although she and I haven't really seen eye to eye on too many issues I do love her because she shares three things in common with me. These three things are the love she has for my wife, daughter and son. I know what I have done has also caused this poor woman so much unnecessary stress and I so apologize. I do know that when I am away my wife, daughter and son will be in good hands and will be well cared for.

I don't know if my mother-in-law will be coming back for the next sentencing date because no one really needs to be subjected to this a second time. However; I really do appreciate her flying all the way across country to show her support for me and my family. She is a good woman with a big heart; thank you.

Yesterday I touched on how the Gamblers Anonymous Program has taken me from chaos to serenity and I wanted to explore these topics a little further. Chaos is a state of utter confusion. When I was gambling which led to the lying, cheating and stealing I was in a state of utter confusion. I did not know how to stop this madness. Unfortunately or fortunately for me this madness was stopped by external forces. I could have stayed in this state of utter confusion as I progressed through this past year but I wanted to find something that would deliver me to serenity.

A state of serenity could be described as a calmness or something or someone who is bright and steady. When I entered the Gamblers Anonymous Program 421 days ago my life was filled with chaos and I was filled with chaos. As I have progressed through my legal proceedings and dealings with the justice system my life was stilled with chaos but I was filled with serenity. The reason I am filled with serenity is yes, I caused all this grief on myself and my family but I cannot change those events of the past. Those events of the past are what I am going to be judged on in a few weeks and there is nothing I can do about it. What I can do is work on today and just like the past 420 days prior I did not gamble and I worked the Program so my life continues to get better and serenity has taken its rightful place in my heart.

I have learned so much over the past 14 months and I am forever grateful for the people who have showed their tremendous support for me and my family. I am also forever grateful for the GA Program because it has showed me a new way of life which does not include gambling and does include being honest and open each and everyday.

I know there are some rough times which lie ahead but I will face these rough times with a good attitude. I know what I did was wrong and will accept the punishment for those behaviors. I will not crawl up into a ball and die. I will face this punishment with honor and dignity. I have been humbled by my own actions and I will continue to do my best in working my Program. Without working my Program my life is a disaster and would turn to chaos. With my Program this chaos has turned to serenity and I like serenity so much better.

My Higher Power is certainly hard at work to ensure my "bonus" days are filled with blessings. Earlier today I had a conversation with someone who is struggling with their gambling addiction. I tried my best to give this person advice as someone who had been where this person is right now and hopefully it did not fall on deaf ears. It was so very nice to reach and out and help someone because I do have a positive purpose in life. This positive purpose has been delivered to me by my Higher Power and I fully intend to use these "bonus" days as gifts because everyday is a gift as long as I am giving back and helping someone which in turn helps my recovery.

After tonight's GA meeting I had an unexpected conversation. A newer member found out about my situation and wanted to talk with me. Unfortunately this newer member is really hurting and is at the early early stages of their recovery. I tried to share my story very humbly with this member and again hopefully some of it will stick. The key for me is the Program and although it is very hard for a new member to understand they CANNOT gamble again they must accept this fact at least for today and start over tomorrow.

The key concept is to admit you are powerless over gambling; I know I am powerless to gambling because it took over my life. This newer member is having a hard time with this concept of being powerless to gambling but until they accept this fact it will never get better only worse. I know my Higher Power has a plan and maybe this newer member is in this plan but I do know I was very happy to speak with this person and hopefully they will keep coming back.

My life got worse each time I progressed through my gambling career but I do know my life continues to get better as I progress through my recovery. There is no finish line in the lifelong marathon. The finish line comes at the end of each day when I don't gamble, give back to the Program and do something positive for myself. As long as I continue doing these three things each day life will continue to get better.

Preparing

Yes, my Higher Power has a definite plan for me and it wasn't my time to go away on Friday. There is more preparing and learning to be done in the next five weeks. I believe there are no coincidences in life nor or there just random events. I believe everything happens for a reason and there is a Divine spirit involved in my life. This morning was a perfect example of things happening for a reason because one of my friends from the gym gave me some tremendous insight into what lies ahead for me when I am incarcerated.

I don't like to broadcast my particular situation to the general public so I try and maintain a low profile. This low profile is getting exceedingly more difficult as my story moves forward and the local newspaper carries my picture on the front page. Make no mistake this is not the type of 15 minutes of fame I was looking for but it is an unfortunate by-product of my situation. Because of this "notoriety" some people who did not know my situation have become keenly aware and it really has not been detrimental to me or my family.

This morning like I mentioned a friend saw the newspaper account from the Friday and approached me at the gym. He asked me why I didn't tell him what was going on. My response; I am not exactly proud of this situation and I don't know how to bring it up in a casual conversation; such as oh by the way I am out on bail for embezzling a great deal of money and will be sentenced to state prison next week, can I work in here!

After going through the initial conversation and explaining the entire situation this friend from the gym completely understood and also offered me some insight into my pending incarceration. As it turns out he was a correction officer in a minimum security prison for 14 years so he gave me some very good advice. He is also a bail bondsman (which I had known) and wanted to know why I didn't contact him for my bail. Unfortunately, last year I didn't know him very well so I relied on my attorney for the bail bondsman referral. Another twist is my friend has become friendly with my attorney in the past year and if this occurred since last year he would have been my bail bondsman and could have possibly saved me a great deal of money. Oh well; here is another example how timing has a great deal to do with life. In this instance my timing was off but that is neither here nor there.

As I was talking to my friend he introduced me to someone who just finished serving five years in state prison for embezzling. This person had a very interesting story and his dollar amount was 10 times more than mine so he was initially placed into a maximum security prison. I guess the more money you steal even though it was of a non-violent nature the system views that person as a threat and they get put in a high level security prison. He also told me the do's and don'ts of prison life and I welcomed his advice. This advice was coming from someone who had lived it for 5 years. It was a very good conversation and I learned a great deal. If I were sentenced on Friday I would not have had this opportunity so my Higher Power was once again looking out for me.

Late afternoon today was just like the last three months since we started the Monday Afternoon Gamblers Anonymous meeting and I happily attended. Attendance was off for some reason but it really doesn't matter. What matters is there was a meeting and as long as two people show up we can have a meeting and continue to work the Program. I have said this so many times and I will keep saying this; this Program has saved my life and I am forever grateful for the Program and the people inside those meetings.

We had a great meeting and as is always the case I walked away from the meeting feeling better than when I went in. I will miss these meetings but I know I have gained so much from this past year and this fantastic Program that no matter where I am I will have this knowledge for a lifetime. Hopefully, where I am going I will be able to start a GA meeting because this is the key to my success. Without GA there was chaos in my life and with GA there is serenity in my life. What a wonderful Program.

So-long Mom

Earlier today my daughter and I took my mother to the airport so she could catch her return flight to New Jersey. I was given an unexpected 40 hours extra to spend with mom and I think we made the best of it. I have written about this great woman before and nothing has changed. She is a fabulous mother and I love her so dearly. I know what I have done to this poor woman has created such unnecessary stress in her life because I could see it on her face. I apologize profusely for putting her through this terrible situation. With that said; I am forever grateful for her amazing support for not only me but my family.

Last night I had the opportunity to speak with my mother one on one for a few hours without any interruption. We started at 11:00 pm and thought we would be done by midnight but we went to 2:00 am talking about what had transpired in court the day before and a whole assortment of topics. My mom's diagnosis of me being a "SICK TICKET" was dead on. When I was gambling, lying, stealing and cheating I was completely out of control. I thank God each and everyday for giving me the opportunity to get my life back together and in 419 days my life continues to get better.

Our three hour conversation was very enlightening for both of us and I am so glad we had this time together. I don't know the next time I will see my mom so every minute of the past 2 days was truly a gift. As I dropped my mom off at the airport we hugged and kissed and said so-long for awhile. There was no good-bye because good-byes last forever and I know I will see my mom sometime in the future. I have learned over the past 13 1/2 months that the future is not guaranteed and the past is gone so today is what matters most. Today was a great day because I got to see a very special woman who has given me so very much in so many ways; Mom I love you!!

Tonight was another very special Gamblers Anonymous meeting and I am so blessed to be experiencing the gift a meeting brings to my life. We have so many special people in the meeting that it truly is extraordinary. These are great people who are doing great things to get their lives in order. People without or who are in denial from an addiction may have a hard time understanding a 12 Step Recovery Program and I believe they are truly missing something very special. I have been blessed, honored and privileged to share these meetings with some great people over this past year and I am forever grateful to this Program for giving my life back.

A very dear member who I consider a very dear friend spoke to me about something after the meeting and I was blown away by what they had told me. These are fantastic people who just want to help. There is no ulterior motive just genuine compassion. There are some great people in this world and I am surrounded by so many of them that I am forever grateful for each and every one of them. Life is a gift and my life keeps giving and giving each and everyday by these very special people. Thank you once again for supporting me and my family in this time of crisis; I love each of you so very much.

New Day Same Concept

It has been a little over 24 hours since I was surprisingly released back into society and knowing full well I will be incarcerated in the next five weeks I feel so much better than I did yesterday afternoon. I have so much love and support in my life and the Judge's words nor the Deputy District Attorney's words change this one bit. The people who supported me yesterday at the court hearing are even more (I didn't think this to be possible but it is!) supportive than they were yesterday. I received so many telephone calls and emails from so many different people but the message was the same; we know you are doing all the right things and please continue doing those things in order to work your recovery to the best of your ability. These are incredible people and no matter how I spend the next few years I know I am a blessed person.

Last night I had the unexpected pleasure of surprising my daughter and seeing her take part in her elementary school talent show. She was so excited to see me because as I walked her to school earlier that morning she knew we wouldn't see each other for awhile but I picked her up from a neighbor's house and she instantly jumped into my arms. She asked what I was doing here and I told her my departure was delayed for another month and she gave me a big bright beautiful smile then we were off to her talent show. She and a friend did a very good dance to the Cha Cha Slide. They were so cute dressed in their jeans, matching sky blue shirts and sun glasses. They were the first one's to perform and as they performed all that had transpired in the courtroom seemingly faded into a distant memory.

My family is the world to me and I know everything will be fine even though I won't be with them for a few years. My wife is an incredible person and will do her best to keep some type of normalcy in the my children's lives when I am away. I will be back sooner as opposed to later and yes, life will be different but as long as we are all together it doesn't matter where we live what matter is that we live with each other and experience each day with a positive purpose.

I woke up a little early this morning (4:00 am) and laid in bed contemplating my situation. There isn't a great deal I can do at this point to change the inevitable so I much concentrate on doing all the things that have helped me recover to this point. This does not stop because of what people said in that courtroom. My recovery is the utmost important to me because everything goes away if I resort back to my old ways which means I lose everything near and dear to me including my friends, family and my life. Even though I would not be a part of normal society for a few years I will do everything in my power to ensure these positive methods are a part of my daily activities. Without these positive methods life ceases to exist.

I had a few unexpected pleasures this morning one was attending my daughter's soccer game where she played goalie and allowed no goals. The entire family including my mother-in-law, mother, sister, brother-in-law, nephew and niece were able to attend as well. After my daughter's soccer game I went directly to the Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting to see my very dear friends. I was a little late and I can tell when I entered the room a few members were relieved to see me. I did tell a fellow member I would be late because that is part of the accountability in the Program; I didn't want anyone to worry about me but nonetheless everyone was very happy to see me. We had a great meeting and yes, there was even a new member.

This addiction/disease doesn't take a day off it continues to effect people 24 hours a day 7 days a week. Even though there is very little public awareness of how compulsive gambling effects people the disease never stops. I know full well what an unchecked addiction can do to a person but I must be diligent each and every day to work my recovery to the best of my ability or this addiction will rear its ugly head again.

I was so very happy to attend the meeting this morning and see all the great people and thank them for their support not only yesterday but each and everyday. Again, these are fantastic people and each one gave me a hug and warm wishes. One member told me something so very special I had tears in my eyes. I know what I have done is wrong and the justice system seems intent on punishing me but I know what I have done in these past 13 1/2 months is right. I fully intend to continue on this right path for the rest of my life as long as I work the Program.

After the meeting I went home and said; good-bye to my sister and her family. I am blessed in so many ways and I am so very happy my sister came out to show her support. She has an incredible husband and two fabulous children. I messed up in a big way but my family has stayed with me every step of the way and for this I am forever grateful.

This afternoon I was able to attend my son's soccer game and spend more time with my mother who also has showed her tremendous support. I have caused this woman so much unnecessary stress in this past year yet she has also been right by my side this whole way. She is a great woman and I love her dearly.

Yes, today was a new day but my concepts haven't changed in spite of what was said in that courtroom yesterday. I have been given five weeks to enjoy my family and friends; also continue to build on the solid foundation I have gained through the GA Program. Yes, I am going away but I wouldn't change anything in this past year because it has saved my life.

Finally, there were two articles if you haven't seen them yet. The first one was part of the interview I did a few days ago prior to the sentencing. Yes, I agreed with the Judge as I wrote a few days ago; I committed a crime and in today's society when people commit crime they are sent away as a form of punishment. Here is the first article. The second article was written by a very nice reporter who interviewed me after the sentencing. I thought the article to be very fair and represented all sides. Here is the second article.

God Grant Me....

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. First off yes, this is me (Paul) making the post but please don't take this as good news. Unfortunately I was not sentenced today even though there was every indication that I would be. There are still two lingering non-sentence issues remaining and if the Judge sentenced me today those two issues would have been disposed of without any recourse. So those issues and the sentencing will be held on May 31st. Also, based on the Judge's comments this afternoon I WILL be remanded to state prison because I (rightfully) am a thief and I stole and in our society shall be punished. The compulsive gambling issue had nothing (according to the Judge) to do with my stealing.

He is correct in one way I did commit a crime and should be punished plain and simple. In our society (again this is according to the Judge) we view white collar crime differently than any other crime and we should not because it is a crime. Again; whether I stole from senior citizens on welfare or a casino it makes no difference because it is a crime. He is again correct; what I did was wrong and like I teach my children when you do something bad you will be punished. I have no qualms with his reasoning whatsovever because he is the one making the decision and I will respect that decision.

My case has become a high profile case and this has become a detriment to the sentencing. There are a great many people watching this case and the Judge knows that so his sentencing is not only predicating on punishing me but sending a message to the community. I do need to say one thing in regards to the high profile nature of my case; there was a case not too long ago in fact it was settled last June where a city employee from my city (Murrieta, CA) embezzled roughly $280,000 and spent all of the money gambling. He was confronted and confessed but showed little remorse and did nothing in terms of getting help for his addiction.

This man was sentenced by the same judge I have to probation where he served 13 days of the one year sentence. Yes, I know my dollar amount is higher but the principles of the case are virtually the same but I believe I have done some good in this past year and will continue to do good no matter the outcome of my case yet I will be facing state prison. I am not sure why the huge discrepancy in the sentencing of the cases but I will accept the decision when rendered.

Enough of the negativity; today I was blown away by the support I received from all my friends. There were 25 people in the courtroom all in support of me and my wife. These are great people who had to suffer through 2 1/2 hours of testimony not to have any closure to the matter. There was a certified gambling psychologists who testified on my behalf and she did the best job to her ability. She wasn't really briefed by my lawyer as to the questions he was going to ask but she did her best. The Assistant District Attorney did his best to discredit her and me along the way. She held her own but I believe what she was saying about pathological gambling being a certified mental disorder fell on deaf ears.

The facts of the case are simple as I stated previously there is no doubt I stole from my employer whether I used that money to gamble or for cancer treatment it doesn't matter I STOLE the money which makes me a thief and thieves are punished in state prison. Like the Judge said; I let my wife, my children, my employer, my friends and my family down by my actions. There is no denying these facts.

Getting back to the incredible support I received in that courtroom; people I did not know even existed 13 1/2 months ago took time out of their busy day to show their support; I am forever grateful for everyone and I love each one of you so very much. My dear sponsor also spoke on my behalf; he did an excellent job and he is a great person. My mom spoke on my behalf and also did a great job. Finally; my angel; my wife spoke on my behalf and did an outstanding job. She is so solid it is truly remarkable; I love her dearly. Each one of these special people said some very nice things about me; however; I am not so sure that it even matter what they had said because I felt the judge's mind was made up because afterall I did steal and there is no getting around those facts.

I am truly impressed with everyone and even though my character was cut to shreds by the Assistant District Attorney and the Judge I felt so much love and genuine affection in that courtroom I know in my heart I have done the right things in this past year. I will continue doing the right things and will get through this horrible stage a much better person because I have learned so much from the Gamblers Anonymous Program and one of those things is I cannot change my past I can only concentrate on today. Today I did not gamble and I worked the Program to the best of my ability and even though it was a very difficult day in the courtroom I know I am on the right path to recovery.

Life is Incredible!

For all intents and purposes this will be my last direct post for awhile. I pray to God things work out for the best tomorrow but if they don't I know I will always have an incredible life because I am surrounded by nothing but love.

My fantastic family starting with my extraordinary wife; she is my rock and my soulmate. This woman is truly incredible to stand by me through all of the mess that I have created; I love her dearly. My daughter who is taking my impending departure so very hard is an outstanding soul. She is the apple of my eye and is truly a special child; I love her dearly. My son who really doesn't know what is exactly going on is a remarkable boy and I love him dearly. My mom who is a kind, caring and a loving person; I love her dearly. My father who is a steadfast genuine soul; I love him dearly. My older sister who is a wise woman with a great big heart; I love her dearly. My younger sister who is an extraordinary person with a loving heart; I love her dearly. My mother-in-law who is a fantastic woman who loves unconditionally; I love her dearly. My sister-in-law who is a caring compassionate woman; I love her dearly.

There are so many others in my immediate family that I could go on for days thanking them for their loving ways; I love everyone so very much. I am a truly blessed person who has been given a second chance in so many ways and I embrace this second chance because my life is incredible and it is an incredible journey.

To everyone in my Gamblers Anonymous Fellowship; I love each one of you dearly. You have given me my life back I will cherish this past 13 1/2 months forever. No matter what happens tomorrow they cannot take away the experience, strength and hope I have gained from each one of you; these are great people who genuinely care for everyone who enters those rooms. I am blessed to call each one of you my friend.

To all of the friends I have gained through the internet; you are astonishing and have taught me so many things and I love each one of you. I have had the pleasure of getting to know so many people that I would have never had the chance to meet if I didn't embrace my recovery. These are tremendous people who are living life in a positive manner without the burden of gambling. I have gained so much strength from each one of you.

To all of my friends who have stayed with me through this entire ordeal; I love each one of you so very much. You have taught me the true meaning of friend and it doesn't contain any conditions. You have loved me unconditionally and accepted my flaws; I thank you for everything that each one of you have done for me.

To my new non-recovery friends; I love each one of you so very much. I have met some truly inspirational people who do not judge and have welcomed me with open arms. I am a blessed person to have been touched by each one of you; thank you so very much for the tremendous well wishes and support.

I could go on and on because there are so many people in my life and I know everything will work out for the best because it already has. Life is incredible and I love the plan the my Higher Power has for me because life is worth living and it is worth living in a positive manner.

I wanted to touch on tomorrow afternoon. I am due in court at 1:30 tomorrow afternoon and it looks like there is a great deal of media attention. I am not sure why there is so much attention but a few newspapers and one local television station have requested media credentials to film in the courtroom. I don't know if this will have an adverse or positive effect on the judge. I pray to God it has no bearing on what decision the judge renders. I know he will read all the materials given to him and listen to the testimony then make his non-biased decision. The worst possible scenario is me being sentenced to four year in state prison for which I will serve two years. The best possible situation is probation and I will still be a felon but I will be able to start my new job with the Las Vegas Recovery Center. I honestly don't know what will happen because it is all up to one person but whatever decision the judge renders I will not lose focus on my recovery.

My recovery from compulsive gambling is my most precious commodity because without it I lose everything including my life. I am not willing to give up all the blessings in my life for a trivial bet because my life has such a purpose and this purpose has been bestowed upon me by my Higher Power. I will get through tomorrow with my head held high and take whatever decision the Judge renders with honor and dignity. My life is incredible and I would like to thank everyone for being there for me. Thank you so very much I love everyone so very much.

As a post script my mother will be posting the decision on the blog sometime tomorrow evening. If you can't wait until tomorrow I am sure these newspapers will have some type of write-up on the sentencing sometime tomorrow afternoon. Here are the links to newspapers; Press-Enterprise, North County Times and the Los Angeles Times. If you can't find what happened on those sites you can access the courthouse website here; just type in my last name just like this Delvacchio and you can see what the decision the Judge has rendered.

Finally, for those of you have a or may think you have a compulsive gambling addiction please find a Gamblers Anonymous meeting in your area. Please give the Program at least 90 days and after 90 days you feel you aren't getting any better the casinos or whatever gambling you have done will still be there but I can guarantee you one thing if you stop gambling and work the Gamblers Anonymous Program to the best of you ability your life will change in a positive manner because this Program has saved my life. Be well and may God bless you because God has truly blessed me with an incredible life.

Love and Blessings

Where to start; these past two days have been filled with nothing but love and blessings. I have so much love in my life it truly is incredible. There are so many fantastic people who have been in my life for a long time and there are so many fantastic people who I have met in this past year that I am truly a blessed person. The love and blessings have surrounded me for a long time and I have finally taken notice of them in this past year. Over the course of the past few days I have been humbled by all of the affection that has been bestowed upon me.

People I have known for a short time have gone out of their way to wish me nothing but the best and these same people are taking time out of their day on Friday to show their support for me and my family. I will say it again and again I am one blessed person. All of these people have stood by me through this entire ordeal and have made me a much better person. These wonderful people have given me the courage, strength and hope to get through this ordeal with humility and dignity.

I know what I have done is wrong and I know I will be punished for those wrongs. But no matter what happens on Friday afternoon I know I have some wonderful people that will be in my life for the long haul and I love each and everyone of them.

The well wishes started a few days ago but really came to fruition at last night's Gamblers Anonymous Meeting. These are great people who have reached out to me in my time of need and I will be forever grateful for each one of them. The words were genuine and were filled with love and affection. I have received well wishes from so many people it is incredible.

I have met so many special people over the course of this last year and I am truly grateful for finally doing something about my compulsive gambling addiction. I received two emails from two very dear people over the past few days and I wanted to say thank you to each one of them. The first email was from my very dear friend Anne in Canada. Anne and I have become fast lifelong friends that share the same disease and the same consequences because of our disease.

Anne is so very special because she has been to what I like to refer to as the other side of the mountain and came through it with such dignity and grace. She has touched my life in so many ways and it is so nice to know there are people like her in this world who just want to help others. There is no ulterior motives just people reaching out to other people to hopefully help them solve their problem. Anne has reached out to me and she has showed me there is a big beautiful life after gambling and I thank her so much for being a part of my life.

The second email came from my mother who I will see tomorrow. She flew across country so she could be with me and my family on Friday and I am so blessed to have this extraordinary lady in my life. This email touched my heart in so many ways; my mom is a great soul and I love her so very much. I know it has been extremely hard on her this past year but I thank her for all that she has done for me and my family; she is a great person.

There are so many people I need to thank who have helped in so many different ways and they all have so much love I will feel this love no matter where I spend the next few years. I have had an extraordinary experience over this past year and this will not end on Friday this extraordinary experience will develop into an extraordinary life. I have so many exceptional people in my life that I am a blessed person.

My mother-in-law also flew across country today to be here for Friday and to support me and my family. This is another extraordinary person who has done so much for me and my family and I love her dearly. I thank her for all that she has done and will continue to do for me and my family.

I have received phone calls, emails and greetings from so many people and I thank all of you. I know there are many people who don't know what to say but the simple fact that I received the phone call, email or greeting is all that I need to know that they care. Life is an amazing adventure and my life is an amazing adventure filled with so much love and affection that I have been truly blessed by my Higher Power.

Filed

What a fantastic day today has been. It started like any other morning has started in the past 13 1/2 months with my son coming into our bedroom and greeting us with his big beautiful smile; and then he crawls into bed and snuggles next to me. Life really can not get better than this!!! This small five year old boy is amazing and I am blessed to be part of his life. After getting the children off to school I normally and today was no exception go to the gym for my daily workout.

I have had a cold for the past 3 1/2 weeks which is certainly not normal and if anyone wants to know what stress does to a person I can tell them. I usually have a cold for 3 to 5 days and it goes away. This cold has grabbed a hold of me and won't let go. I broke down last week and went to the doctor and they told me I have a cold, gee great diagnosis!! They told me my lungs were better than any other healthy person and were not filling up with fluid even though it feels that way to me and I have this cough which comes from chest that won't stop. I also feel as if my head is going to explode because it is so congested.

The doctor gave me the "super" antibiotic but also gave me a caveat telling me that if what I have is viral there is NOTHING she could prescribe it will go away on its own merit. Well I guess I have the viral strand of the cold because even after taking the "super" antibiotic I feel a little better but my head and my cough still bother me a great deal. Okay that is enough of me feeling sorry for myself. I have a cold that won't go away it is not the end of the world.

Where was I; oh yes, I went to the gym in spite of my cold and I have been hoping to sweat it out but after my workout my head feels worse than before but me having my addictive personality and knowing I have only a few days left I had to have my workout. I made it through the workout and then went to my daughter's classroom where I have been volunteering for the past few months. I take a station and today the children were playing a time telling game.

It really was fascinating because some kids really understand how to tell time and other kids seem to struggle. I spent forty-five minutes in the classroom and that forty-five minutes went so fast. Also; the look on my daughter's face as I entered the classroom was priceless. She always greats me with her big beautiful smile and I am so blessed to have two wonderful children.

After the classroom I went off the local treatment center to have the interview with the reporter from the other newspaper. It was an interesting interview because this reporter has been following my case since the inception and she asked very poignant questions. I told her about my compulsive gambling and what I have been doing in the past 13 1/2 months in my recovery. She really seemed to understand what I was saying and added some very encouraging words.

She did ask me a very difficult question which was "Do you (meaning me) think you DESERVE to go to prison?" I told her that this was a very tough question and I had to think about for awhile. My answer to her was "in our society when people commit crimes there are consequences and some of the consequences are prison so based on what I did I guess I DESERVE to go to prison". I have thought long and hard about this answer because there are so many things I wanted to say in my defense as to why I shouldn't go to prison but I DID commit a crime and criminals are punished by going to jail.

I have done some wonderful things in the past 13 1/2 months since committing those crimes and will continue doing those things so I can continue to recover from my compulsive gambling addiction no matter what happens on Friday. Do the things I have done in the past 13 1/2 months mitigate a prison sentence of my crimes; I don't know and it is up to the Judge to decide. I do know I am so very happy to have made the decision to get help for my addiction and share my story with anyone that maybe interested so they can get help for their addiction. I do have a purpose in life and my purpose is to continue to help myself and anyone else who may need it. I am so very grateful to have been given this purpose by my Higher Power because life has so much more meaning now than it has ever had and each day is a blessing.

After completing the interview with the reporter I immediately went to my attorney's office to put the finishing touches on the sentencing memorandum. The sentencing memorandum is almost 30 pages in response to a page and half memorandum from the prosecutor. I asked my attorney if he ever had a sentencing memorandum that large and he said he had not because he never had a client have enough information to put in the file until me.

I was proud of the fact that I had this much information to put into the sentencing memorandum. Whether it makes a difference in the judge's point of view I guess I will find out Friday afternoon but the purpose of me doing all that I have done in the past year was not to get out of prison it was to help myself with my compulsive gambling addiction and ensure (to the best of my ability) this type of behavior NEVER happens again. I do know as long as I continue doing those things in the sentencing memo that horrible behavior will stay in the past.

Now the sentencing memorandum is filed with the judge and he has two and half days to read it. I pray to God he does read it and I believe he will because he has been a judge for a long time and would want all the necessary information to render his decision. I have done all that I can do. Now it is up to the one person the Judge to tell me whether I belong in prison or receive probation for my actions. I do know whatever he does say on Friday afternoon this horrible ordeal of not knowing will be over and my new life will officially begin.

More Articles

Tomorrow I meet with a reporter from the other local newspaper to discuss my compulsive gambling addiction and pending sentencing hearing. This particular reporter has been covering my case since the inception and has been at many of the hearings. I have not yet spoken to this reporter so tomorrow should be very interesting to hear the questions she may have. She is also interviewing the owner of the Alcohol, Drug and Compulsive Gambling Treatment Center I have been volunteering time for the past few months as to how they treat compulsive gamblers. I know the story the reporter wants is mine and this does not make me very proud but hopefully by getting my story out there it will help others recognize what an unchecked gambling addiction can do.

I received the offer letter from my (hopefully) next employer that will be given to the judge. It was an excellent letter and touched on all points of recovery and second chances. It was a truly remarkable letter because it went beyond any offer letter I have ever received. It spoke of addiction and how people who truly want to recover are able to recover and flourish in their recovery. It spoke of my character and how open and honest I was in explaining my situation. The more I learn about the Las Vegas Recovery Center (my future employer) the more impressed I become.

Also; one of the key components of my pending employment would be a recovery contract. As a condition of employment I would be required to sign a recovery contract. In the recovery contract are conditions that must be adhered to or I would be terminated. The conditions are attending a specified number of Gamblers Anonymous Meetings per week, having a sponsor, working the 12-Steps and spot interviews with certified psychiatrist in the field of compulsive gambling.

On my first interview I was told about this recovery contract and was all for it. I have no problem meeting all of these stipulations; in fact; I thought it was an excellent idea. The key to my recovery is all of those things and as long as I continue doing what I have been doing for the past 13 1/2 months I will continue to have a successful and positive life. I am not offended in anyway by these conditions because I am fully committed to my recovery and I MUST have all of these things in my life for it to continue to get better.

I have no idea if I will be able to work for this excellent facility but I do know my Higher Power does have a plan and I can see it starting to take shape. I am so excited by this plan and I know no matter what happens on Friday my life is already so much better than it ever has been and will continue to get better as each day passes by.

I would like to close with two excellent articles on compulsive gambling. The first one comes from my state of California and explains very well the pitfalls of gambling. One of the positive things that have arisen from my situation is the people I have come in contact with over this past year and one of those people Bruce Roberts who I would consider a friend is quoted in this article.

The second article comes from upstate New York and quotes the only Gambling Court in America which I have written about before and it also appeared in the Al Roker Investigate Series; Kids, Cards and Dice. One editorial comment; as gambling continues to grow it is INEVITABLE there will be more compulsive gamblers; so I believe society should have programs available to treat compulsive gamblers and also there should be an awareness/educational component in all jurisdictions where gambling is available.

Here are the articles;

In gambling boom, addicts left to chance

Treatment services struggle to keep up with the demand.

RENO - It's easy to lose money here.

Blinking casinos beckon along Virginia Street. Flashing lights of card rooms call from almost every corner. You can't go to a gas station or grocery store without facing slot machines or news of the latest lottery jackpot.

And for those who've seemingly lost it all, pawnshops, payday lenders and loan sharks offer a chance to lose even more.

Reno is a big gambling city in the nation's biggest gambling state. While that brings joy to the local economy - casino owners, in particular - it also brings the kind of misery on display at the Reno Problem Gambling Center.

From a quaint one-story house just blocks from the neon charge of Virginia Street, the nonprofit center began advertising its services in March. It offers six-week treatment programs - one-on-one sessions and group meetings - for gambling addicts. There's a $5 fee, but even that can be waived for those who can't afford it.

Denise Quirk, the center's assistant clinical director, isn't a betting person, but in the beginning she wagered she'd be tending to just a few clients who stumbled off the gambling strip. She lost.

Within two weeks the program was full, drawing problem gamblers from as far as Roseville.

Now the center has a waiting list. The state of Nevada is freeing up extra money to help meet the unanticipated demand.

"These people are all so relieved to ... know there's help," said Quirk, a veteran Reno counselor who helped open the Problem Gambling Center. "Gambling has been legal in this state since the 1930s and only now are we beginning to deal with it."

Legalized gambling is booming across the country, fueled by the proliferation of Indian casinos, the soaring popularity of card games like Texas Hold 'Em, the rise of online gambling and an increasing reliance on lotteries to help fund public services such as education.

But programs to help those who take it too far, estimated at about 2 percent of the U.S. population, haven't kept pace, according to experts on problem gambling.

"It's shameful," said Bruce Roberts, executive director of the nonprofit California Council on Problem Gambling. He said compulsive gambling can be as destructive as alcoholism and drug abuse, resulting in bankruptcies, broken homes, depression and occasionally suicide.

Amid the gambling spree, government officials are helping tackle the addiction problem.

Nevada is directing a fee from each of the state's slot machines this year - a total of $200,000 - to help pay for the gambling center in Reno and its older cousin in Las Vegas. The state shifted an additional $115,000 to the treatment center in March.

Roberts said that California, despite the growth of Indian casinos, has lagged in its support of problem gamblers.

Last year the Legislature asked to set aside $50 million in Indian gaming proceeds to deal with the side effects of gambling: traffic congestion, increased stress on law enforcement and addiction.

Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger originally approved $30 million, saying he didn't have enough information about how the money would be spent. In March, after facing pressure from tribal leaders and local and state lawmakers, Schwarzenegger restored the other $20 million, which is now being spread among counties with casinos.

About $3 million from that fund has gone to the Office of Problem Gambling, a state agency established in 1997 but not funded until 2003. The office is working on a study of the extent of problem gambling, due for release this summer. It also has developed brochures and literature on recognizing symptoms of problem gambling and getting help.

"We've done a lot in a relatively short period of time," said Lisa Fisher, spokeswoman for the California Department of Alcohol and Drug Programs, which oversees the gambling office.

Fisher said the office's study will give counselors the raw data needed to develop effective treatment programs.

"We're following the legislation and we're doing what is required," she added.

But Roberts said he believes the state should be doing much more to combat problem gambling.

"If the state's going to profit from gambling revenue, certainly they should be taking care of those who are getting hurt by it," said Roberts.

Many problem gamblers seek help through Gamblers Anonymous - a self-help group similar to Alcoholics Anonymous - that has been holding meetings throughout the country for nearly 50 years. Attendance is up.

"We're having new meetings across the state," said a Sacramento man who has attended Gamblers Anonymous meetings for more than 20 years. The man, now in his 70s, said he started attending in hopes of improving his relationships with his daughters, which had frayed because of a compulsion to bet on racehorses.

"There was a time when I was sad there were only nine races to bet on," said the man, stressing that the use of his name would betray the group's commitment to anonymity. "I felt I had to mend some fences."

Meanwhile, Indian casinos say they are doing their part. Besides contributing to the state fund, some casinos pass out free literature and post hotline numbers. Others train staff to spot those who might be at risk.

Some problem gamblers, in moments of clarity, ask to be placed on a list that bars them from returning to a casino.

"Historically, Indians have suffered from addiction problems themselves, said Susan Jensen, a spokeswoman for the California Nations Indian Gaming Association. "They understand the problem, they understand it can ruin lives."

In a cramped office in Reno, a group of about 18 problem gamblers spent an hour Tuesday evening describing the destruction their problem can bring. Many were referred to the meeting at West Hills Hospital by the Reno Problem Gambling Center.

The meeting drew addicts from all backgrounds. They ranged in age from mid-30s to mid-70s; they were male and female, white and Asian. Most said gambling started out as a fun way to pass time and socialize, but it slowly grew out of control.

They told stories about spending so much time gambling they'd forget to feed the cat or go to a daughter's softball game. Two people described "blacking out" while gambling and leaving the casino with no idea how much they had lost.

"I gambled because I didn't think it hurt anybody," said one woman, a former slot machine player whose deep facial lines make her look older than her 54 years. "Then, after coming here, I realized, 'Hey, I'm somebody. Gambling is hurting me.' "

The woman, who used to spend as many as 14 hours a day in casinos, said her life has turned around since she sought help in January. She spends more time with her daughters, and her relationship with her husband has improved. She has more money to spend on things she really needs, like groceries and clothes.

"It's one day at a time," said the woman, as she waited for a ride after the meeting. "But the days are starting to add up."


Hidden costs of gambling

From addiction to big-money embezzlement, authorities express concerns over increase in casino-related problems

Carl Bucki sees the impact of casino gambling in the record number of cases that cross his bench as federal Bankruptcy Court judge.

Frank Clark sees it in the big-money embezzlement cases his county prosecutors take to trial.
And Renee Wert sees it in her addiction counseling caseload that has more than doubled since casinos first arrived on the local scene.

The Seneca Niagara Casino's economic impact is not just jobs, taxes and development. It also includes crime, bankruptcy and job loss.

These are the hidden costs of gambling.

"He doesn't see half of it," Wert said of Clark. "People are stealing from their families, and it's going unreported. They're taking money from their kids' college funds. I've seen cases of parents breaking into their kids' piggy banks so they can gamble."

Wert, as head of gambling treatment services at Jewish Family Service, is on the front lines. Her caseload jumped 147 percent in five years, and she estimates seven out of every 10 people she treats have filed for bankruptcy.

That's just one of the costs to the community. No one disputes the notion that Seneca Niagara and other gambling venues create problem gamblers. The question is, how many and what do they cost the local community?

Even the nation's top researchers, from Harvard to the University of Illinois, disagree over the extent to which casino gambling adds to a community's ills and at what cost.

"There's no pee test for gambling," said Mark Farrell, the town judge in charge of Amherst's Gambling Court. "It's like trying to get your hands around a cloud."

But talk to the judges, prosecutors and counselors who see the effects firsthand, and you hear horror stories of people who got addicted and fell into debt.

Or people so desperate for cash, they stole from their family or employer.

They also will tell you that bankruptcy, more than anything else, may be the single most common consequence of being a "problem or pathological" gambler.

Wert's program counseled 245 people last year, up from 99 in 2000, and she estimates 70 percent for bankruptcy. Some twice.

That's hardly a surprise to Bucki, one of two U.S. Bankruptcy Court judges in Western New York. He's convinced casinos are a big part of the problem.

"There's no question in my mind," Bucki said. "After handling thousands of bankruptcy cases, I'm convinced casino gambling is a significant factor in the tremendous increase we've seen in bankruptcy cases."

There were more than 14,000 bankruptcy filings in Western New York last year, nearly four times the number in 1993.

"I know, for a fact," he said, "that this problem goes largely unreported."

Even in his own court.

Bankruptcy filers are required to fill out a questionnaire, a "Statement of Financial Affairs," that asks if gambling is one of the reasons they're in debt.

Most people, because of shame and embarrassment, answer "no" even when gambling is a factor, Bucki said.

More often than not, he added, the gambler blames his debt on credit card abuse. What he won't tell you is that his paycheck went into the slots. And that's when he turned to credit cards.

Bucki isn't the only law enforcement official who sees a link between increased crime and casinos.

Bigger caseloads

County prosectors used to prosecute big-money embezzlement cases, those involving more than $100,000, about three or four times a year. His staff now sees four times that number, Clark said.

"Over the past five or six years, I've seen a dramatic increase in embezzlement-type crime, and gambling has played a role," the district attorney said.

Assistant District Attorney John Doscher is the prosecutor in those cases, and he estimates the number of casino-related cases doubled in five years.

Not so long ago, the big embezzlement cases centered on people who lived the high life, Doscher said. Now, it's losses at the casino.

"We're getting more cases and bigger cases," he said. "It used to be rare to see anything over $50,000. It's no longer something that makes your eyes pop out. Now, it just doesn't catch your attention."

Bigger caseloads are also the trend in Amherst Town Court, home to the only Gambling Court in the nation.

That's where Farrell, every two weeks or so, hears the stories of gamblers who stepped over the line. Most have misdemeanor or felony convictions involving large sums of money and have been diagnosed as problem or pathological gamblers.

Denial and secrecy

During one two-hour court session in March, more than a dozen people appeared before Farrell.
Some were like Walter, a small-business owner. He estimated he lost more than $40,000 gambling at the casinos.

"Folks have no clue what overcame you," Farrell told the man, "and how pervasive a gambling addiction can be."

"I always gambled," answered Walter, now in his 40s. "As a young man, that was the cool thing to do."

One by one, the recovering addicts marched before Farrell and told story after story of self-destructive behavior that led to crime.

"I've gambled every day of my life since I was 19," said a man identified only as Anthony, a young husband and father arrested for writing a bad check. "It quickly became a downward spiral and very destructive."

For many of the people, Farrell is the only thing standing between them and jail time. And yet, the judge still finds himself confronting denial and secrecy.

"People are more willing to admit they're drug users than gamblers," Farrell said.

One of the problems in tracking the link between gambling and crime is a reluctance to go to the police, especially when the victims and thieves are family members.

"What you get is a lot of denial," said Anne Constantino, president of Horizons Health Services, one of two local treatment agencies.

The typical case isn't the gambler who gets arrested, it's the gambler who gets away with his crime, says Wert, from Jewish Family Service.

She still talks about the young man who stole his mother's Social Security number, used it to acquire credit cards and left her with $30,000 in gambling losses.

"Mom couldn't bring herself to prosecute," Wert said.

Heated debate

The hidden costs of casino gambling are being debated across the country, wherever there's a casino, and nowhere is the discussion more passionate than at the nation's top colleges and universities.

In one corner, researchers suggest gambling creates a host of economic problems, from suicide, divorce and domestic violence, to bankruptcy, crime and low employee productivity.

One expert, Earl Grinols, an economics professor at Baylor University, told Congress in 2003 that for every $1 in benefits, gambling costs society $3.

On the other side of the debate are experts who claim the "invisible" nature of problem gambling makes it difficult to quantify, both in terms of people and money.

In 1999, the National Gambling Impact Study commissioned by Congress referred to both schools of thought in calling for a moratorium on casino development.

The study estimated the number of problem and pathological gamblers in the United States had reached 3 million, with 15 million more people at risk. It also put the cost to society at about $5 billion a year.

One thing is certain, Wert said. The problem is getting worse, not better, in large part because of casinos here and elsewhere.

"When I started here in 1994, we had a lot of sports, horse racing and lottery gamblers," she said. "Now, it's almost exclusively casino and lottery gamblers."

Happy Easter 2006

To everyone out there celebrating Easter I wish each one of you a very Happy Easter; to everyone out there celebrating Passover I wish each one of you a very Happy Passover and to everyone not celebrating a holiday I wish each one of you a very Happy Sunday. Life is truly a gift and I cherish each and every day because my life is filled with blessings. These blessings started out in the form of my daughter and son at 7:00 am this morning as they came into our bedroom and both of them wished my wife and I a very Happy Easter. They were very excited to go downstairs to see what the Easter Bunny had brought and to find the Easter Eggs that the Easter Bunny had hidden.

We were stern parents this morning because we were heading off to church and had to get ready so we made them wait to go downstairs. My children are truly amazing because they did not complain and waited very patiently as my wife and I got ready for church. Also we made them get dressed for church before going downstairs and they did what they were told. Unfortunately for my children we did not have time to see what the Easter Bunny had brought nor did we have time to search for the hidden Easter Eggs because we had to get off to church.

My daughter was so cute as we walked to the garage and past the Easter baskets; she closed her eyes so she wouldn't see what was in the baskets. My son was a little different but he didn't stop and look which surprised me immensely. We were off to church without a delay which was truly an amazing event.

We made our way to church and yes, this time we went to a Catholic mass. Going to a Catholic mass on Easter Sunday is VERY important to my wife and thus very important to me and my children. There are many things I don't agree with in the Catholic religion but the fact that it is important to my wife makes it that much more important to me. We sat in church and the children fidgeted as any 8 and 5 year old will do but that was okay. I can't say I got much out of the service but again the fact that my wife wanted to attend this service is all I need to concern myself with. Being part of the Catholic religion is very important to my wife and will be important to our family as we go forward.

After the mass we searched for a place to buy bagels but did not find one that was opened. We did stop at Krispy Kremes and got doughnuts for my wife and children (any that knows me knows I don't eat donuts; it doesn't make me any better than anyone else it just makes me a picky eater.). We finally made it home and the children were able to see what the Easter Bunny had brought them and search for the hidden Easter Eggs. The look of joy on their faces as they searched the house for the eggs was truly priceless. My son with his little Easter basket in hand was so excited when he found his first eggs he missed placing the eggs in the basket on four separate occasions it was something to witness. My son and daughter were able to find 18 of the 20 eggs; I am sure the other 2 will surface in the coming days and thank God they are PLASTIC eggs not real eggs or we would find them sooner as opposed to later; if you know what I mean.

This entry to blog may not seem like much to those of you battling the addiction of compulsive gambling but it means the world to me because I was able to spend the entire day with my family and enjoy every second of this day. Life is a blessing and my life has so many blessings in it and I intend to enjoy all of these blessings for as long as I can which I hope will be forever. If there is a temporary hold on enjoying these blessings I do know I have these blessings to look forward to when I get my freedom back. Just because I am not living with the blessings on a daily basis does not mean they are not there quite the contrary I have been given a second chance no matter what and I intend to make the most of this second chance no matter where I spend my time in the upcoming future.

Finally we were able to share the afternoon with our very special friends. These are remarkable people and I am blessed to have them in my life. We had a great time and I love them dearly. It was a great day and I hope each of you out there had an equally great day because life does have its ups and downs but it is days like today that makes me realize how great a life I have.

Step Eight

As I walked into the Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting I was immediately asked to chair the meeting by another dear member. This member knows that this will be my last Saturday morning GA meeting for awhile and they wanted to ensure I was fully involved by asking me to chair the meeting. It was my honor and privilege to chair the meeting for a Program that has saved my life. This meeting has a very special meaning to me because I attended the Saturday morning meeting over 400 days for the very first time and from that first time I was instantly hooked into this fantastic Program.

We have subsequently changed locations of this meeting and the location is much more conducive to a truly anonymous meeting but the people who have been attending this meeting over the past 400 days with me are some of the greatest people I have ever met in my life. We are the fortunate ones who are doing something about our problems and arresting our addiction through a tried and true Program. Some of us like myself had to hit a very serious rock bottom before admitting we were problem gamblers but I am so very grateful to have made the decision to get help with my gambling problem over 13 months ago because my life has been forever changed for the better.

Today's meeting was extremely good and as always was filled with love. These fantastic people have opened their arms and souls for me and I am forever in their debt. Each person in that room I consider a dear friend and I am blessed to have had this time to get my life back together. I know I am a much better person today than I was over 13 1/2 months ago because of the people in the Program. I have learned who I really am and I like the person I have become. I would like to thank everyone for believing in me and giving me the tremendous support over this past year. I love everyone in that room without exception.

Now on to step eight of the Gamblers Anonymous Recovery Program; Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. This is going to be quite a list because I have harmed a great many people over the course of the last 20 plus years of gambling. First on this list has to be me; I have harmed myself spiritually, emotionally, mentally, physically and financially without a doubt. Next on the list is my wife; I have harmed her in all of those previous characteristics as well. Then my children; although they may not feel harmed at the present I have taken away their ability to live their lives the way it was intended; instead I stole from their future as my gambling controlled my life. Next on the list is my mother and father; I have affected them emotionally; no parent should have to go through what they have gone through. They raised three good children and one of them turned into a thief and this has no bearing on either one of them. The decisions were mine and mine alone.

My sisters; even though both of them are tremendous people and great souls I harmed them emotionally with my misdeeds. They have stood by me and have come through in very critical periods but I had no right to put them in those type of situations. My mother-in-law; I harmed her emotionally as well; she had to worry and continues to worry about things that she should not have to worry about; I put her in that position and I had no right to put her in that position as well. My sister-in-law and brother-in-law; I put them in a position of emotional harm very early on in my predicament and I had no right to put them in this position as well. My grandmother; I hurt her emotionally as well; I had no right to put her in this position.

I harmed my co-workers with shock and dismay and yes, there was certainly emotional harm done. No one thought I was a compulsive gambler and no one thought I was thief but I was both of those things. I tried to be genuine in dealing with them but my horrible actions have wiped away any genuine feelings they may have had toward me. There are quite a few people I have harmed at my previous employment and it will take time to make amends to them all. This Step only tells me to make a list of those I have harmed and in the next Step Nine will be the action by actually making amends to those I have harmed.

Along the same lines as my previous co-workers is my previous employer because I have harmed them financially with my actions. I am in the process of making amends to them and it will be court mandated to make full amends.

Finally there is a long list of friends who I have harmed emotionally by my actions. Most of these friends are true friends and have stayed with me this entire time. Some other friends have faded away but I did harm them emotionally and must be included on this list. This list must include ALL the people I have harmed. This Step is starting my return to society. If I do this Step correctly; all fear will dissipate and I will be free to talk and move about as a normal person. This is not something that is done overnight it is a lifelong process and as long as I continue working these Steps my life will continue to get better each and every day.

Prison Sentence Argument

I have been debating awhile if I should make this post and I have decided to go ahead. What I am about to post is a matter of public record and anyone can gather this information. I received the Prosecutions Sentencing Memorandum a few days ago and it lays out the reasons why I should be remanded to state prison for a term of four years.

The first reason; the large amount of money stolen (embezzled) is MORE serious than other instances of embezzlement; second; the manner in which this crime was carried out indicates planning, sophistication and professionalism; third; this makes reference to a Penal Code which makes me ineligible for probation because it involves the taking of $100,000 unless unusual circumstances can be proven which in the Prosecutions eyes cannot; fourth; I should be sentenced to state prison to deter others from committing similar type embezzlement crimes (I like to call this the EXAMPLE being made clause); fifth; I took advantage of a position of trust and caused EMOTIONAL harm to my boss and others due to the theft; sixth; a state prison sentence is fair and just in light of the overall felonies committed because my overall exposure was 21 years and 8 months.

Now it is my attorney's turn to refute these reasons and layout a substantive argument in opposition. I have helped my attorney's assistant prepare our Sentencing Memorandum which contains the reasons why I should NOT receive a prison sentence of four years and lays out 20 different examples. The examples range from the victim being an entity thus not subject to emotional harm to case studies refuting the contention that state prison sentences deter similar crimes from being committed. It also lays out what I have done in the previous year to ensure this type of behavior will not reoccur.

I have no idea if any of this will make a difference. The simple fact is I did steal from my employer and in our society when you steal you are rightfully punished. Obviously I am scared to death to go to prison but I do know that I will be going to prison because for every action there is a consequence and my consequence in all likelihood will be state prison.

I have looked at similar type of embezzlements and the sentences run the gamut. One person embezzled a half a million dollars and received ten years in state prison; another person embezzled two million dollars and received 30 days in county jail; and another person embezzled $300,000 and received no jail time just probation. I don't know the mitigating factors in any of these cases but it really is subject to the Judge hearing the case.

I am preparing myself for the worst case scenario which is a four year state prison sentence but I am hoping for the best which is probation (my Mother taught me this trick!). I know probation is highly unlikely due to a number of factors so I MUST prepare myself for being locked away for the four years.

I do know one thing I will be relieved when I hear whatever sentence the Judge renders. This will mark the end of the not knowing phase which has lasted almost 14 months and I can move forward with my life. If it is four years in state prison then I will focus on getting myself through those four years and starting my life a new when I get out. Whatever the sentence I pray to God that it does happen when it is supposed to happen which is next Friday. If it were delayed to a different date I may just go insane.

I have been assured the sentencing will happen next Friday but there are still many things that could delay this sentencing which I will not focus on. I will focus on the next seven days and cherish the blessings that God has bestowed upon me in my family and friends. Each day is a gift and I intend to treat every day as this because I have no idea what tomorrow will bring and life is so much better lived one day at a time.

Gorgeous Day with the Children

My wife and I had a special day planned for our children as they wind down their Spring Break. The children go back to school on Monday and with my pending departure next Friday we decided to make today a special day with the children. Early this morning I called both my son and daughter to our bedroom. I asked them if they wanted to go to San Diego where we could spend the day at the Children’s Museum and mess around at Balboa Park or spend the afternoon golfing with their father (me). Both children immediately spoke up and said they would like to go golfing as long as they got to drive the golf cart! So much for an educational day with the children!!

First we all went to breakfast; where we had a very nice family meal. Then the children helped me mow the lawn. They actually cleaned up the grass clippings rather well. What I have learned in the past year is my children really don't care what they are doing as long as they are doing it with either their Mother or Father and sometimes both. In essence; it only matters when we spend time with them. Time with them can be mowing the lawn but they must be included and when they are included both of them are thrilled. It doesn't matter what size their house is or how many toys they have; it only matters that Mom and Dad are there for them. It really is a very simple equation; make time matter to the children and the way to make time matter is to make the children matter.

My children certainly matter to me because I know starting next week I won't be able to have the time with them because of the horrible things I have done. I will be serving time and counting down the days to when I can be with them again. I am getting ahead of myself and I shouldn't do this. Today was a great day because I spent the entire day with my son and daughter sharing their experiences on a gorgeous day in Southern California.

After finishing mowing the lawn I took my kids to a local golf course. It is conveniently located five minutes from our house and it is the only local golf course to allow all three of us in a golf cart. It was a very warm April day and the sky was a beautiful blue as we made our way onto the golf course. My son is a fanatic when it comes to sports. He loves any sport and golf is no different. He has some natural athletic ability (not from me!!) and it will be very interesting to see how he develops later on in life but for now he has a great time no matter the sport. He knows how to set-up to the ball and more times than not he connects on some fairly good shots.

My daughter on the other hand is gifted in different ways. She is very intelligent and also very hard on herself. My son is very easy going and nothing seems to rile him whereas my daughter is much focused and she seems to put a great deal of pressure on herself. Sometimes I am amazed at the differences of my two children.

Yes, they do look like brother and sister; they both have beautiful blonde hair and gorgeous blue eyes but their personalities couldn't be any more different. This difference definitely showed itself on the golf course today. My daughter took her turn hitting the golf ball and she did very well but she was more focused on driving the golf cart. My son was having a blast hitting the golf ball and running all around the golf course. We had a great afternoon and it also gave Mom time to herself. I believe my wife needed this time because life will get infinitely more difficult in the weeks to come and I hope she enjoyed a few hours to herself.

We got home had a nice family dinner. The kids took showers and both of them fell asleep within seconds of their heads hitting the pillow. I had a fantastic day and one I will cherish for a lifetime.

Speaking of cherishing for a lifetime I need to say something about a very special person in my life who never seems to get enough credit; my Mother. My mother has been nothing short of fantastic throughout this entire ordeal and I cannot say enough good things about this wonderful lady. She is one of the very special blessings in my life and I have known this for 40 years but I am finally realizing what a special person she is. The amount of love and support from her for me and my family is truly phenomenal. She is flying out next week for the sentencing and I would like to thank her so very much for all she has done for me not only this past year but for the previous 40 years; I love you very much!!