Good-Bye 2006

I went one full day without eating a peanut butter and jam sandwich. I had so much to eat during my wonderful visit there was no need for my daily sandwich. It has been awhile since I made it through one day without having one.

Last night was another evening yard and I had a telephone call scheduled. I decided to call my younger sister because it has been awhile since we last spoke. The telephone call went through without any problems and I did indeed speak with her. Once again, those 15 minutes on the phone went by like a blink of an eye. I was still on a “high” from my earlier visit and I did most of the talking. I didn’t even get a chance to ask my sister how her “White Christmas” was and how her lovely children were. By White Christmas I mean – she lives where it has been snowing quite heavily over the past two weeks. I did talk about my earlier visit and only a few other items. It was great to speak with her and I do miss her so much. Yes, we have lived geographically far from one another for the past 14 years but we are still very close. She and her husband are yet more incredible people in my life. I will continue saying this because it is so true. I am a very blessed person.

The evening yard closed just after I finished the last mile which was perfect timing! I went inside the dorm to begin THE BROKER by John Grisham. As I was in my bunk, I was offered a sip of “Pruno”. I respectively (as much as I could) declined a few times. After the fourth time my dorm mates gave up and moved on. After this I did keep one eye open to see what kind of “drunks” my dorm mates were and fortunately they were happy ones. There was a slight incident later on at night which I did miss (thankfully) because I was asleep – other than that there weren’t any problems.

As I was lying in bed Sunday morning, I turned on the radio and the topic on the talk show was addiction with an author who had recently written a book on this topic. I only listened to the tail end of the show, but from what I heard I am most certainly on the right road to recovery. The author wasn’t speaking about a specific addiction, rather was speaking about it in general terms. He agreed with the 12 step program and was emphasizing the first step – promptly admitting the person has a problem and life is unmanageable. I didn’t catch the title of the book but I do know the 17 pages in the GA Combo book covers all this for me. Was it really “irony” that I just happened to turn on the radio to hear about the recovery or part of the greater plan? I am not sure, but I do know there is a plan in place for me which has brought me back to an existence and I am forever grateful.

At midnight tonight it will be good-bye to 2006 and hello to 2007. I am very happy to see 2006 go away. The last six months of this year have been something I will never forget. It looks like most of 2007 will be this way also. I do know in spite of being separated from my incredible wife and children, things are working out for the best. My family is in a place filled with so much love and support. My children get to interact with their grandmothers, aunts, uncles, and cousins on a daily basis. I have learned and continue to learn so much about myself as I progress on my journey. I do like the way things are turning out. It has not been easy – especially this past week through the Christmas Holidays. However, this experience has been filled with more positive than negative. An example of this was the magnificent visit I had yesterday with 2 people who I didn’t know two years ago. Now I consider each of them very dear friends. I do owe all of this to my recovery because there is no way I could have had any of these positive experiences without it. I am learning to live life in a very different way and this is the right way. I need to stay on the right path and continue to experience all that life has to offer. I pray to God I will never take even the smallest thing for granted. I have a new appreciation for so many things and especially people. I have been delivered from an insane existence to a sane positive existence and I am forever grateful.

Last, I hope and pray everyone had a very safe and fun New Year’s Eve. I do look forward to 2007 but I do know the only way for me to get through the New Year is starting January 1st thru December 31st – one day at a time. May God Bless everyone because I continue to find so many blessings in every aspect of my life.

Excellent Visit

With the test completed the only part of the work week left for me was the afternoon session of the PFT Plus after lunch yesterday. However, once I arrived at the basketball court, it became apparent that we were not going to do the class. The “store” is located 20 feet away and they were running what is called “Openline”. I went to the store last week and certainly stocked up on food. However, “Open-line” is for any inmate who has already shopped this month and still has a balance in their draw. I waited all afternoon for my name to be called and it did look promising about halfway through the afternoon but when the CO’s changed shifts it all fell apart. I was able to make my way to the pill call line with minimal wait to see if the protein drinks were available. Much to my shock, not only were they there, but the doctor updated my prescription to reflect two cans per day. It appears my “pill conspiracy theory” regarding the drinks was off base and it truly was an ordering issue of the Christmas Holiday season.

My entire evening was taken over by writing. I wrote until 10:30 pm and needed to go to sleep. This morning was a very big day because I was receiving my second visit. I was meeting with two very special friends who came a long way to visit me. I believe Lou Gehrig made the statement, “Today I am the luckiest man alive” on his retirement. Well when I think about my incredible family and friends, I think this everyday especially on days like today. I am not sure what I have done to deserve all these extraordinary people in my life, but whatever it is I am so grateful.

I woke up without hesitation this morning at 5:15 am. This would be a very different early morning for me because I needed to get ready for my visit. I shaved first thing this morning then jumped into the shower that was actually hot. I had all my clothes picked out last night. I was ready to go by 6:00 am but first it was time for breakfast.

The CO came into my room about 10:00 am and called my name for the visit. I made my way into the visiting room and instantly spotted my two very dear friends. We greeted each other with big hugs and it was great to see them. The last time I saw them I was sitting behind a glass partition in the county jail wearing an orange jumpsuit some five months ago. That was the lowest point of my journey and I will readily admit I did not look so good. Today I was so happy to give them hugs and the first thing my dear friend said to me was, “You look good.” I was certainly not offended in any way by this statement, in fact, it was great to hear!

After the very special greeting, we all sat down and I instantly noticed they had purchased a salad and a fruit drink for me from the vending machine. Everyone wants to feed me, but the food was the last thing on my mind but the last thing on my mind - I wanted to speak with my friends. They did insist on buying me more food and they did indeed feed me. They came armed with their “Baggy of Change.” They did purchase plenty of food for me which included peanuts, sunflower kernels, yogurt, orange – the first one I had in almost 6 months – and several Diet 7-Ups. It was a celebration of friends and it was an excellent visit. We talked for the next 4-½ hours which zoomed by. The conversation was incredible and even though I have only known them for two years, it was like we were old friends because we are. I owe the entire time spent with these two dear people to GA and my recovery. Without GA in my life I would have never experienced a day like today and I am blessed to know these two magnificent people.

My dear friends had arrived at 7:00 am to check in for our visit. Unfortunately, they were not one of the first groups let in at 9:00 am. They were allowed into the visiting room at 10:00 am where I met them a few minutes later. The conversation flowed freely and it is truly days like today which makes everything worthwhile. I have met some – make that many great people in the past two years and today I spent a fabulous 4 ½ hours with two of them. These dear friends came here for the sole purpose of visiting me and they made my day. Heck, they made my year! During our conversation, we laughed and at some points I felt tears forming in my eyes. These were not tears of sadness but of happiness. As I write this, I get goose bumps thinking about the visit. These very great friends gave me a very special gift today by coming to visit and I do love them very much. Something good – make that something excellent - is coming from my situation and I continue to discover it everyday. Life is truly wonderful and my life is surrounded with nothing but love. I will make it through this and be the person I am destined to be.

Tale Of Two Coaches

Yesterday afternoon I was able to perform a rotation and workout the entire class which felt really good. For the first time I brought out my CD radio walkman which I usually don’t use when I exercise but I decided to try something different. The reception is much better in the outside yard than it is in the dorm. I have no problem putting myself elsewhere when I exercise; however, with the addition of the earphones playing upbeat pop music in my ears I was truly locked away in my own little world. Now I see why so many runners run with an I-pod. I was amazed at how fast the hour went by. The outside noises were muffled and I had a hard time hearing those around me. I had to take them off when some of the inmates came to speak to me with questions mostly surrounding the end of the PFT class.

Having the headphones on as I worked out was a good change of pace. However, I could only use them on the Harvard Wall because I was just stepping up and down. Running is another story only because the headphones are too large which is a real pain. I believe my workout was better than usual because of the CD player. As I ended my workout I was approaching a critical point in time. I prefer to end my workouts at 2:45 to catch the unlock otherwise I have to wait until 4:00 pm when the yard closes. When I get in at the 2:45 unlock, I am able to do laundry, shower, and eat something before dinner. When I miss this it throws off my entire schedule (who would think that I actually have a “schedule” in here). I thought about cutting my Harvard Wall a couple of minutes short, but during that time the unlock came and went and I missed it by only 2 minutes. I saw a CO crossing the yard and hoped he would provide me with an unlock but this didn’t happen.

I finally got in to the dorm a little past 4:00 pm which meant I didn’t have time to eat anything, and also my writing schedule had shifted as well. I did my laundry and took a shower and it was time for dinner. I was able to eat plain pasta, beans, and carrots with corn bread. This was very filling and plenty of food to last me through the evening. I headed back to the dorm so I could write some more prior to going out to the yard so I could make an evening “make-up” phone call from the Christmas Day debacle. I was so immersed in my writing I didn’t notice the door opening and almost missed going out in the yard. I scrambled and made my way outside. I met up with the lead instructor and we talked about the PFT class. Our coach is on vacation and won’t return until next week. The coach from the other yard came over on Tuesday for a brief session and we have not heard from him since. We talked about how there might not be a test and all the students in the class may fail. It was interesting because even the lead instructor was in the dark about what was going to happen so we were both ready for the unexpected.

It was now time for my telephone call. My wife was supposed to be at my mother’s house with the children. Thank goodness I was able to get through without a problem. As a bonus, both my daughter and son were still awake. I was very happy to speak with them. I spoke with my son first who explained all about his Tiki Barber jersey he received for Christmas. He was even able to tell me that the number on the jersey is 21. I was very impressed and my brother-in-law is a good influence on him. My son also told me how he is shooting some hoops at basketball practice with his uncle. He went on to tell me how he makes a lot of baskets. It was such a cute conversation, my heart melted. Next it was my daughter’s turn to talk – who had a much shorter conversation. I think she was very tired and I did speak with her at length two days ago but it is always wonderful to hear her voice. These are truly special moments and I do cherish them very much.

Then it was on to my wife who I found out had made a very good decision – something we have talked about for the last 5 ½ months. At first I didn’t agree with her but I am not in any position to dictate any opinions that I may have. My wife did what she felt best and I must agree with her now. My life is not my own and I have no options or choices while I am here. I’m happy with her decision and it is one less thing she needs to concern herself with. When I went back to the dorm, I broke one of my eating rules which is not to eat after 8:00 pm. It was now after 9:00 and I needed something so I made myself a single serving of oatmeal which hit the spot.

After breakfast, I was waiting for the yard to open so I could do the PFT class when I noticed the other coach walking into the yard with an instructor from the other yard. By seeing this it meant we were going to have the regular class and today was test day for the students. I made my way into the yard and we were indeed administering the test today. As I explained the other day, this coach is very different than our regular coach. Today proved this in a very big way. Our coach has an extensive test which is given in such a manner to truly test the students mental and physical abilities. The last part of the test from our coach is the one mile run. The first part from the coach today was the one mile run. From the onset, they are at opposite ends of the spectrum. The normal test takes about two hours and 15 minutes from start to finish. Today the test took one hour and 10 minutes. The students were given a gift by having this coach because for the first time on this yard no one failed the test. This test consisted of a one mile run, followed by the 4 mile power walk, and finishing up with the ability to do pull-ups. The students didn’t have to do a specified number – just show the ability to do them. In fact, there were a few students who couldn’t do any but were passed anyway. The test was so very different and all I can say is I am glad to work under the regular coach because I know his students and instructors are truly ready for the physical requirements of being a wild fire firefighter.

I spent a few minutes before the test had started, speaking with the instructor who came from the other yard. I was interested in the requirements to become an instructor on the other yard and I asked him about these. He told me they had to run a mile in 6 minutes and 30 seconds. I then asked, “What else?”

He stated, “No, that is it, only run the mile.”

I thought this was very interesting but running one mile in this time does not mean a person is in shape. I did press him a little more but I could tell there was definitely a rivalry between the instructors on the two yards. I was certainly jumping into this rivalry because I felt very protective of our requirements to become an instructor which I believe are more strenuous than running one mile in less than this time but it doesn’t mean I have the strength to become a fire fighter. I do know the test I passed and continue to pass every Friday ensures me I have both the stamina and strength to become a wildfire firefighter. The class started and I had to end our conversation. I thought more about it and at each step of the way someone has been looking out for me because I was placed on this yard for a very good reason. Also, I am so grateful to have been placed here over 2 months ago.

The test was over which seemed like no time at all. Afterward, the instructors had to laugh about what had just happened. We witnessed “The Tale of Two Entirely Different Coaches” and we were all in agreement that our coach is doing the right thing. We were also happy to be part of this program. It was a fascinating morning and yet another lesson learned for me. At every step of the way on this journey, I continue to learn and I am so grateful for these lessons.

Rained Out

Each day when I wake up I look forward to going outside especially during my work week. There is one dramatic drawback regarding my job which is at the mercy of the weather. When it rains, all the classes are cancelled. Today as I woke up I saw the rain and it was supposed to continue all morning. So I needed a Plan B because my regular routine was about to be disrupted. I knew I had to come up with something else otherwise it would be a very long day.

When I went to breakfast I was looking forward to the coffee cake which was supposed to be served today. However, much to my dismay, instead of the coffee cake, there was cheese Danish. Along with the Danish was oatmeal, prunes, and a boiled egg. I traded away the egg and the Danish for more oatmeal. I also gave away the stewed prunes because the last time I ate them I discovered several pits and stems in them. I prefer my prunes not to crunch when I am eating them. This goes back to my “texture” issue with food because once a “texture” is breached while I am eating any food, it takes me a long time to go back to eating that item.

Once I got to the dorm it was apparent that I would not be working today because of the rain so I decided to turn this Wednesday into a weekend day. My choices are very simple as I stay inside – I could either write or read. I decided to do both. I read a few chapters of the Harry Potter book – which is not unlike the others. Afterward, I did some writing which took up most of the morning. It was now noon and still raining so I decided to take a shower. I am a very peculiar person when it comes to taking a shower – in case you have not noticed. I prefer to take a shower on an empty stomach and don’t like eating prior to the shower. (typist’s note – weird weird werd!~!~!~!)

A quick aside – the running shoes that I gave away to the inmate who received a purchase in my name are not in his possession anymore. I saw him on the yard today and asked, “How come I never see you wearing the running shoes.” He hesitated after I asked him this. Then I said, “Did you lose them in a bet?”

He sheepishly said, “Yeah.”

Talk about irony! He knows my story but apparently it had no effect on him whatsoever. I gave him a wry smile and went into a very short discussion on how he should stop gambling because it certainly leads to no good. I sensed he wanted to move on quickly so I let him off the hook. As he departed, I thought about the incredible irony in all of this. Today marks the 27th month since my last bet and thank God I have this time and don’t plan on making a bet today. In fact, thanks to my recovery I have no urges whatsoever to make a wager, and there is not one positive event attached to me making a bet, it truly is “all bad.” I cannot control others and would love to help everyone, but I have to focus on my own recovery primarily because if not - then I am nothing.

After lunch, I read the Harry Potter book which in my opinion does not read as easily as
the James Patterson’s novels. I needed to take a break from reading to give my eyes time to rest so I watched my neighbor play chess. I cannot remember the last time I played. I remember learning from my grandfather when I was 8 or 9 years old. My neighbor keeps asking me to play and I keep on declining. Even though he doesn’t gamble on the outcome of the game and does play for fun, it goes against the Gamblers Anonymous definition of gambling. I will keep on declining and I will be fine.

Surprisingly, the entire day went rather quickly. The mail came and I received four pieces of mail – two from my mom and two from some very dear friends. In the letters from my friends were articles which referred to the same event of the Las Vegas Marathon which I ran this time last year. I found these articles fascinating. My mom sent me a package for Christmas – actually it was a manila envelope – but package sounds better. However, it came two days after Christmas. In the package were crossword puzzles and word searches which were meant to keep me busy on Christmas – my mom is so thoughtful. Now I will use it on New Year’s Day. She also sent many articles ranging from miscellaneous topics (one I would rather not repeat!) to the overcrowding in the California.Prison System. I shared this with my dorm mates which was a big hit. I will believe the early release of inmates only if I am released but not before. If something does happen, it won’t be until July 2007 for political reasons. The inmates who have done considerable stretches of time, have heard these rumors for a very long time and so far nothing has happened. It would certainly be wonderful to end my sentence before July 17, 2008 which would happen with fire camp. However, any further reductions must not deter me from reality. I will get through my sentence the same way I have gotten through these last 5 ½ months which is one day a t a time.

When I woke up this morning, it was a crystal clear day and I found the North Star and instantly thought of my daughter and the story she told me about it and a big smile came across my face. The night before I received a ducat to see the yard nurse so I could talk to her about getting more protein drinks. This conflicted again with the PFT class. Before my appointment I had a very good conversation with one of my fellow inmates about recovery. He’s only a few years older than me and has been in prison for well over 15 years with a few more to go. He has a drug addiction and belongs to a religious recovery group. He seems to be at peace with himself and the more we talked the more I realized how similar my recovery is to his.

On the way to the appointment, I need to mention the many unpublished drawbacks of prison life which is the waiting time for the simple tasks such as visiting the nurse, medical office, and going to the store. There is a great deal of wasted time waiting for these services which is a direct result of the overcrowding. When I finally got into see her I explained my situation regarding the protein drinks and how I would like to increase the frequency. She seemed very hesitant at first to grant my request. In fact, she said to me, “I can’t seem to find where the doctor prescribed these drinks for you in your file.” I quickly glanced down at the file and instantly saw the doctor’s notations on the front page where he prescribed them. I pointed this out to her where she replied, “Oh.” All I wanted was one more protein drink but there seemed to be many obstacles in the way. She wrote up the request and told me to check back later at the pill call line to see if the doctor updated the information. The Catch 22 of this is that the pill call line has not had any protein drinks since last Wednesday.

As I left the nurse’s office, I did 30 minutes on the Harvard Wall. I gazed up at the deep blue sky with the sun shining so brightly. Today was the clearest day I have witnessed since I arrived here. It was a remarkable transformation from the rainy day before.

Toe Nail

I returned to my dormitory (which by the way sounds so much better than “cell” and it is certainly an accurate description) for the lunch period. I could feel myself getting hungry, however; due to the fact there was a PFT class in the afternoon, I did not want to eat heavy. I needed a little something so I had a granola bar and the green apple. These two items did satisfy my hunger pangs and also gave me some much needed energy. The hour for lunch does pass quite quickly and the unlock for the afternoon session of the PFT class was upon me. I made my way out towards the basketball court where I noticed the substitute “Coach” standing. The substitute is the regular Coach on the other yard where they also hold PFT classes. As I have stated before there are two separate yards level 1 and level 2. I am situated on the level 2 yard even though I have level 1 criteria, it was just a matter of finding an available bunk. Quite frankly I am very happy to have been placed on the level 2 yard because I have heard nothing but horror stories regarding level 1 yard. In fact, the level 1 yard is currently on “lockdown” status due to a riot which occurred last week. I am not sure how long the lockdown status will last but so far the inmates on that yard have been confined to their dorms for one week. This started prior to the Christmas Holiday weekend. I shutter to think how much of a basket case I would have turned into if I was confined to my dorm over Christmas. Everything does work out for the best.

This substitute Coach is very different than our regular Coach and judging by what happened yesterday afternoon I am happy he is not our regular coach. All of the instructors know the PFT Program very well and we all have laminated index cards which detail the daily program. Normally we would start out with a 4 mile power walk and go through various exercises until we finished up with a 1 mile run. The substitute Coach informed the instructors we would start out with a 1 mile run which would then turn into a 4 mile power walk. This was going to be the entire training program for yesterday afternoon. No one (including me) questioned the substitute Coach because we all follow orders very well. Also, all of the instructors know our roles which come from the Coach. I thought it was odd performing only the run and power walk but thought at least I would get 5 miles of cardio activity accomplished. We set out on the mile run which went fine, and then we went into the power walk. Halfway through the first lap the substitute coach came out on the track and abruptly stopped the lead pace man which also stopped the entire class. Apparently the substitute coach noticed one student who could not finish the run in the required 9 minute time frame. Instead of going up to the student, the Coach thought it better to stop the whole class and point out this student. Again, I though this to be a very peculiar method but my mouth remained completely shut. After the brief pause we then resumed the power walk.

I got to lead the class on the second mile of the power walk and I do enjoy being in front of the class. I have also established a “game face” (if I may?) when I am performing the power walk. This “game face” may be a bit too serious so I may have to back off slightly, however; I do take what I am doing as serious work and hope it rubs off on the students. I just need to be careful not to cross any unnecessary lines with my “game face” which is why I am constantly evaluating myself. I am also one of the most vocal (I mean this literally) instructors as I call the cadences often and loud. For whatever reason I don’t like it when there is silence during the walks and runs. I feel the students lose focus and may become disinterested. While I call the cadences the students recite the words back. This does keep them focused and more interested. Also, it does make the time go by faster for them, I am calling the cadences so often one of my fellow instructors has labeled me the “cadence stealer”. I try to give my fellow instructors an opportunity to call them as well, however, when I feel it has been silent too long I start calling them. Maybe this is all part of my control “freak” mentality. Nevertheless the students performing the walks and runs seem to enjoy it.

The students may have enjoyed my cadence calling a little too much yesterday. We were just about to finish the 7th lap (2.3 miles) when they really got into the cadences. There is a physical reason for them. As the students recite them they are expelling air from their lungs thus regulating their breathing. One particular call is a “Haaaahh” which really gets the air out of the lungs. Yesterday the students really got into this call and instead of doing it once they carried it over and over again for a few minutes. As they were doing this, the yard alarm went off. The students were so loud I couldn’t hear the alarm but noticed everyone going to the ground as is required when the alarm goes off. I am not sure if all the noise the students made caused the alarm to go off but there didn’t seem to be any other odd behavior at this time. Yes, we may have caused the yard to go down but there was absolutely no intention of any of the students for this to happen. They were louder then usual but they were functioning as a team and that is a goal of the PFT class because once we are wildfire firefighters we will be functioning as a team.

We were down for about 3 minutes while the alarm went off. This was unfortunate because it stopped any momentum the students had at this point in the power walk. The hardest part about any exercise program especially power walking and running is getting started. I know for myself once I get started I don’t like stopping for anything. We still had just about 2 miles to go on the power walk. The substitute Coach informed the class that the power walk was over and also said we should do 10 minutes on the Harvard Wall to finish up the class. I was disappointed to hear these instructions because at the very least I would have liked to finish the four miles. It appears I was in the minority with this thought because the students in the class were elated to know the power walk was cut short.

During the Harvard Wall exercise the sky became very threatening and a slight drizzle had started falling and the wind picked up considerably. The class did get through the exercise then it was back to the basketball court for cool downs because the class was finished. There was no post class instructors’ meeting with the substitute Coach because he couldn’t get out of there fast enough. He did speak with the lead instructor very briefly prior to his departure. The lead instructor did pass on his words which were to be ready for anything tomorrow. He didn’t pass on a set schedule for the remainder of the week so it was back to being on-call once again which is just as well.

As the class commenced I was sort of caught in no man’s land with the time issue. It was 2:00 pm and the next unlock was not until 2:45 pm. It was also threatening to rain and the wind was blowing hard. I wanted to exercise more but I certainly didn’t want to run due to the howling wind. I could have done more on the Harvard Wall but the 45 minutes wouldn’t be enough. I did decide on doing my own callisthenic workout which includes burpees, push-ups, crunches, and jumping jacks. This is my modification of the PFT Plus Class which I call Super Plus because I have doubled the number of repetitions from the PFT Plus class. This workout usually takes me 30 minutes to complete which was perfect timing to catch the next unlock. I did this workout but it was so windy I had a hard time keeping myself balanced. Also, any sweat I had was quickly wiped from my body by the wind. I did manage to get through the workout and as is always the case I was happy I did something.

It was now time to go inside for some lunch, shower and oh yes laundry. I did discover that for once my workout clothes were not soaking wet with sweat do to the wind. So I decided to wash only my undergarments and air out all of my other clothing articles. I am not sure how sanitary this is but I am constantly looking to cut corners when it comes to doing laundry. The clothes did not seem to smell at all and the less daily laundry I need to do the better! As I was getting undressed to take my shower, I took off my right sock and noticed something very peculiar. I looked down at my big toe to discover I no longer had a toe nail; my toe nail had finally fallen off.

My toe nail on my big toe was in grave danger ever since I started running in the too small running shoes. I was fortunate enough to receive a new pair which fit perfectly. However; the damage to my toe nail had been too much and it was only a matter of time. The very odd part about having my toe nail fall off was I couldn’t find the toe nail any where. Naturally I thought it should be in my sock because the entire toe nail came off in one piece. It was not in my sock or in my running shoe. I looked on the ground and in my bunk but it was no where to be found. The toe nail must have fallen off while I slept and when I folded up my sheets for the laundry it must have stayed in them. I did not notice it in the morning because I get dressed in the dark. Also my toe feels fine. It actually feels better now that the toe nail is gone.

I thought I would have an issue in the shower now that I was one toenail down but everything was fine. I guess I should keep it clean and free from any infection. If I do notice pain or changes in the appearance of my big toe I will seek medical attention. Of course by the time I do get seen in medical either the problem would have gone away or it would have gotten worse. No matter I will keep a watchful eye on my big toe until the toenail is fully formed.

The dinner last night was chicken, rice, black-eyed peas, carrots, salad, and apple crisp. I did decide to go in spite of the rain now that the black-eyed peas were meatless again. It is only a 3 minute walk to the dining hall but these 3 minutes seems like an eternity in a driving rainstorm. No, I don’t have an umbrella (nor does any inmate) nor do I have any rain gear so I got wet on the way to and from the dining hall. Not really a big issue; it is just another one of the multitude of reminders not to go to prison! Once inside the dining hall I received my tray filled with black-eyed peas, carrots, salad and apple crisp. Apparently the rice was already mixed into the chicken so I received a very generous helping of black-eyed peas. I ate most of everything including the apple crisp because it was warm, again, it is all about the calories and I consumed plenty at this dinner, I did not eat the rest of the evening.

After braving the elements again I composed a letter to yet another one of my unexpected pen pals. I am not sure what it is but in spite of my current situation and losing many friends due to my actions, I know I have more true friends than I ever had in my life. I do owe this to my recovery which comes from the Gamblers Anonymous. I am now living a truthful positive life with a sense of purpose and it feels great. I love writing these letters because it keeps me in touch with the outside “real” world. My time will pass soon enough and I will be back in the real world and I love having these connections.

I had all intentions of going out for the evening yard so I could sign-up for a telephone call. However, the rain did not stop and the wind was blowing hard. The rain appeared to be coming down sideways. I could have waited in a covered area for the telephone sign-up, but that covered area was not providing any shelter from the rain. Also, I didn’t want to waste my time just in case there weren’t any telephone sign-ups so I decided to stay inside. After composing the letter I started “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince” by J.K. Rowling which is the sixth book in her series. I wonder who Harry will save in this one. I read the first 100 pages and so far it is much like the other 5 books which have preceded this one, which means it is good.

Christmas Is Over!

“Expect the unexpected”, “Hope for the best but expect the worse,” “What could go wrong will,” “Even the best laid plans go astray.” All of these phrases were appropriate for what happened yesterday afternoon. I was doing well having made it through Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with only minor sadness. I finished “Mary, Mary” by James Paterson late yesterday morning prior to the afternoon yard opening. Everything was looking good then about 5 minutes before my dorm door was unlocked by the C/O it happened. One of my dorm mates had asked me if I was making a telephone call and of course I answered “yes”. He then said, “Did you hear the office responsible for the phone sign-up list had lost the list and now it was first come first serve to use the telephone.” At first I thought he was joking but as he repeated what he sad he referred me to another of my dorm mates who works in that particular office to corroborate what he was saying. I went over to this other dorm mate’s bunk where he was sitting and asked if this information was correct. He did confirm this very unfortunate information. My best laid plans of having two scheduled telephone calls fell completely apart. This meant when my dorm door was unlocked I had to sprint the 250 yards over to where the line for the telephone was forming. My dorm is exactly in the middle of the yard and we are always in the middle of all the dorms when the door is unlocked. We are not first but at least we are not last. I did have some chance of securing a telephone call spot. However; as I waited for the unlock I watched many of my fellow inmates who had already been let out of their dorms running for this line. As I watched this I became very frustrated. I thought it was rather peculiar (to say the least) that the telephone sign-up list was conveniently lost on Christmas Day. This has never happened in my two months here but it does fall into the category of "expect the unexpected. The unlock for the dorm finally came and 5 of us from my dorm sprinted across the yard toward the line for the telephone calls. I have not moved this fast in along time and when I got in line I have not heard that many inmates breathe so heavily (from the sprinting) ever. I waited somewhat impatiently in this line as many of the previous time slots were filling up fast. I kept saying to myself “don’t get upset because this situation is completely out of your control” but I did feel extremely frustrated. As I continued to wait in line I was certainly “hoping for the best but at the same time expecting the worse.” I finally reached the front of the line and was given a 3:00 pm sign-up time. I thought this was a horrible time because I thought the yard would close at 3:00 pm and I wouldn’t even have an opportunity to make the telephone call. I was very disappointed to obtain this time but it was the earliest time available again there was nothing I could do about it.

I had 2 hours before my potential telephone call and now I knew I could have a good workout as I waited to make the telephone call. I did have a very good workout because I had a great deal of aggression to get out of my system. I wanted to have a workout which was designed to get out this aggression. Normally, my first option would have been to lift weights, however; weights are not available in a place like this. My second option was to run very fast for a moderate amount of time followed by a very hard calisthenics workout session. I did this workout as I ran four miles in 28 minutes followed by a Super PFT Plus workout which I completed in a very fast 29 minutes. I had an excellent sweat going during the run and it carried over into the calisthenics workout session. I could have run longer but I was afraid I might injure myself going at this pace so I cut it short at 4 miles. If I ever needed to workout like this it was on a day like this surrounded by frustration. I ended my workout with a one minute hang on the high bar and much to my surprise I was able to hang more than one minute in spite of all my heavy exercise. I did get out most of my frustration as I headed toward to telephones.

I checked in as is required for my telephone call at 3:00 pm. I was on phone number 7. I got on the telephone and decided to call my mother’s house because I thought my wife and children would be there by then. It took me three tries to get through to my mom but on the third try I heard my mom’s voice. My 15 minute limit was quickly dwindling so I didn’t waste anytime and asked my mom if my wife was there yet. Unfortunately, my wife was delayed in getting there so my mom called her first on my wife’s cell phone. There was no answer on the cell phone so my mom called my wife at her brother’s house. My wife was still there and now the 15 minute limit was rapidly diminishing. My mom tried to put her cell phone up to the regular telephone so I could speak with my wife but I couldn’t hear anything. I was thinking about hanging up and calling my wife directly but there was only a few minutes remaining. I told my mom to tell my wife that I love her and to wish her a Merry Christmas. I also told her to tell my wife I would call her tomorrow because I had a telephone call scheduled at 1:45 pm her time. As my mom was telling my wife all of this I heard my mom say, “don’t cry” and then my mom started to cry. When I heard all of this I knew I had to call my wife directly. I told my mom I was hanging up and calling my wife right then. I did indeed hang up and the next five minutes were excruciatingly painful. I could not get through to my wife at her brother’s house. I tried at least 20 times but could not connect. As I saw my telephone time dwindle down to 1 minute remaining I abandoned calling my wife to call my mom to tell her to tell my wife I tried to call her but could not connect. At this point I could not reconnect with my mom and my telephone time had expired.

Amazingly at this point, I was not angry or mad but I certainly was frustrated. I had to think of an option and think very quickly because the yard was closing in 45 minutes. The inmate “friend” of mine had a 3:45 pm telephone call scheduled and I saw him as I got off the telephone. I explained my situation to him and asked if I could have his telephone time. He did not hesitate and said “of course”. He really is a good guy and he made me very happy when he said this. Now I was on phone number 8 at 3:45 pm. I did not move from the telephone bank and at 3:30 pm an inmate who I know very well got on telephone 8. I did motion to him if he was unable to connect that I would like to use this time as well. He did say “no problem” and I watched him try to connect for 7 minutes. He finally gave up and I move to the telephone. This meant I had 20 plus minutes to get through to my wife. Again I tried to connect with my wife at her brother’s house but could not. After the 5th try I gave up and called my mom in hopes of maybe my wife made it there. Four times I tried my mom’s house and I could not get through. Finally on the 5th time I did get through to my mom but my wife was still not there. My wife was still at her brother’s house. The same scenario which happened earlier happened once again. My mom called my wife and it became very apparent my wife wanted to speak with me. Again I hung up and called my wife at her brother’s house. Once again I could not get through so I called my mom back. It took me another 3 times to re-connect with my mom but I finally did.

At this final re-connection with my mom the 20 minutes had disappeared to a precious few minutes remaining. I needed to tell my mom I tried to call my wife but it just wasn’t going to happen, for whatever reason my call would no go through. I did tell my mom to make sure my wife knows I will be calling at 1:45 pm her time the very next day (gee I wonder what is going to happen then??) I spoke with my mom for a very few minutes and then our call was cut-off as the yard closed. I was able to ascertain from my mother that if my wife left her brother’s house after my first telephone call she would have been at my mom’s house for my second telephone call. However, my wife did wait (per the suggestion of my mom) for me to cal her back so she did not leave her brothers house. Also, based on comments from many of my fellow inmates they too were having major difficulties connecting their telephone calls. It was an exceedingly frustrating afternoon on the telephone calls and I may have been better off not having a telephone call. However; I was able to speak with at least one member of my family (my mom) on Christmas Day which does beat speaking with no one.

I was so sorry to hear my wife crying and even though I could not hear what she was saying I could certainly empathize with her frustration. The moment I heard my mother say “don’t cry” to my wife my day had changed. My life is not my own in a place like this which is also part of my punishment. My situation not only affects me but many others as well as most importantly includes my dear wife. Now I have added more sadness to her life by not being able to speak with her on Christmas Day. Not only was I not with her but we did not hear each others voices on this day. In a word my situation “sucks”! I hate what I have done to my family especially my wife. I don’t want to cause her any pain anymore which is why I will stay in recovery each and every day. Everything which happened today was a direct result of my compulsive gambling addiction and I regret each moment. Unfortunately there is not one thing I can do which would have changed the events of today. I am extremely sorry for not only today but the entire situation. I cannot beat myself up for what happened today and I won’t. The consequences of my horrible actions will continue to rear their ugly head for a long time to come. It is how I deal with these consequences which will define me as a person. I must take responsibility for my actions and I do. I screwed up big time and I apologize. I will be apologizing ad infinitum; however, these are only words and my actions should speak for themselves. My recovery continues to propel me in the right direction and had taught me positive actions which I carry with me everyday.

As the yard was closed and telephone call was cut off I could not help but to shrug my shoulders and say “oh well”. I guess could be mad, angry, frustrated, and depressed but what good would any of this do? It would do no good and stop my recovery process. I won’t lie and say I am happy because that is the farthest thing from the truth. I do have feelings but I am trying to find the positive in all of this. From the moment I heard about the last telephone sign-up list to the frustration of not connecting with my wife I thought it was another test. The test was how do I deal with adversity. I think I did fairly well this afternoon because I did not break anything or throw anything. My favorite phrase sums up the events of the afternoon. “It is what it is.” Also my life is not my own and if I don’t learn from this entire experience I will never learn which is why I embrace my recovery each and everyday.

Merry Christmas 2006

Yesterday afternoon as I arrived back into the dorm from the morning yard session and having run 10 miles I needed to start my daily hygiene ritual all over again. It was nice on Saturday where I didn’t have to wash my workout clothes because I didn’t workout but yesterday I had no choice because the clothes were sweaty. When I went to the “store” I purchased a box of laundry detergent so I could “really” wash my clothes in the sink properly. The laundry detergent wasn’t Tide or All it as a brand called X-tra maybe this is why it was only $2.00 for a 32 ounce box. It is a powdered detergent not a liquid. This would make the first time I have washed my clothes with something other than a bar of soap, shampoo or the disinfectant spray. Well the laundry soap didn’t appear to work very well because there weren’t any suds. The clothes smelled clean but I am not sure how clean they actually got. As I washing the clothes one of my dorm mates told me in order to properly use the laundry soap I should wash my clothes in the mop bucket. He then went on to give me the full instruction of how to wash using the mop bucket. I need to get a plastic garbage bag (there are so many uses for this item) put it inside the mop bucket, fill the garbage bag up with water, place the laundry soap into the water, then place my clothes in e bucket and wash. After hearing his description I continued to wash the clothes in the sink. Another one of my character defects which I need to work on is being lazy and I thought there was way too much work involved with washing my clothes in the mop bucket. I may try this method someday when I feel my clothes are not getting properly cleaned but for now I am content with the sudless laundry detergent in the sink. Thankfully, yesterday I only wore shorts as I ran so I didn’t need to wash my sweatpants which saved me considerable time. I did add to the blisters on my thumbs as I wrung out my sweatshirt because it did not drip at all when I hung it up to dry.

When my daily hygiene ritual was complete I had all afternoon to do what I wanted. Also, I could eat lunch at a reasonable time. The odd thing was I wasn’t very hungry which figures because I now have food. I did force myself to eat a soup and now I have 90 more to go! I made the soup using my Cajun seasoning, fresh smashed up carrots and hot chili sauce which I bought from the store. I am not sure if I like the taste of the hot chili sauce because it has an odd odor. The hot chili sauce is a very big favorite with my fellow inmates and some of them eat so much of it I can smell it on them even when they are not eating it. It comes through their pores much like garlic does with me. (Ah, garlic – up until 5 ½ months ago I took a garlic supplement once a day for over 15 years and my wife would always tell me that I stink. Now I know exactly what she is talking about when I smell the hot chili sauce emanating from my fellow dorm mates. My wife had every right to complain because the chili sauce has a very distinct odor to it as did my garlic smell.) As I was eating the soup the smell of the chili sauce was overpowering all the other smells and I couldn’t help but to think about the smells coming from my dorm mates. The soup wasn’t exactly appetizing and I suspect I too will start to have this same smell emanating from my pores if I continue to eat the chili sauce. I do have a full bottle of the stuff so I may use it occasionally but certainly not daily as is the case for many of my fellow inmates. I had to get the taste of the chili sauce out of my body so even though I was not hungry I made my daily peanut butter and jam sandwich. (I think I have become addicted to PB&J sandwiches or at the very least peanut butter because I can’t remember a day which has gone by that I have not eaten peanut butter. Oh my!) I was temporarily successful in getting the taste of the chili sauce out of my body but 30 minutes after eating the PB&J sandwich the funky chili sauce returned. I did make a glass of sugar-free lemonade which I also purchased at the store on Saturday. This helped stymie the chili sauce taste and was a welcome relief to the strict water regime I have been on for some time. In my lunch bag I do receive the sugar-free Kool-Aid packet which I have tried over the course of the past 5 months. I have stopped using this altogether when I saw my fellow inmates using it just like one would use cement. Yes, with a smidge of water added to this Kool-Aid packet it turned into cement. There are so many unnatural chemicals in this drink mix the prison official would have been better served passing out cans of Coca-Cola soda! Seriously those drink mixes maybe sugar-free but the list of chemicals are frightening. Now when I receive my daily packet of Kool-Aid I can’t give it away fast enough. At least with the lemonade packets I purchase from the store I know they come from Wylers and are sweetened with Splenda, as opposed to the no-name Kool-Aid packets which contain Maltodextrin and Aspartame along with many other multi-syllabic chemicals. Te concept of giving inmates sugar-free drinks is a good one; however, in practice it falls far short of the goal and crosses into weird science.

My lunch was finished and instead of entering the television area to watch the football game with many of my dorm mates I remained on my bunk to write. The football game once again included the San Diego Chargers and as I have mentioned on the past there are many Charger fans among my dorm mates. Watching the games were okay in the earlier part of the season but now as the football season winds down I could do without all the melodramatic rooting. There is one dorm mate who whistles so loudly when the Chargers make a good play I have to cover my ears while I am sitting on my bunk 12 feet away from the television area. It is strange how my dorm mate’s fantatism towards the Chargers has actually turned me against them. I did notice yesterday the television area was eerily quiet during most of the game as the Charges were losing. The Chargers did pull the game out and all hell broke loose but most of the game was peaceful. It appears it is going to be a long playoff season as the Chargers appear to be the best team and should win the Super Bowl. Now I find myself rooting against the Chargers because of my dorm mates over the top behavior.

Watching the football game would have been a nice diversion but my writing during yesterday proved this and more. Christmas Eve was fast approaching which is my favorite part of Christmas, of course this year would be different than any of the other 41 Christmas Eve’s which have come before. It was very different because I am separated from my family for the first time ever on this holiday. My writing helps me get through these very difficult days. It keeps me focused on the here and now. It also keeps my mind from beating myself up over and over again. Simply put I did something very wrong and I am being punished. There are many levels of my punishment but the only one that matters to me is being separated from my wife and children. There is NOTHING I can do to change this situation so I must stay positive in my recovery. This is not to say I cannot be sad because I am certainly sad not being with my family on Christmas this year or for that matter not seeing them in over 5 months. I will do my best to keep this sadness from taking over my positive attitude. However, I will not lie or be a fake because it does hurt sitting 3,000 miles away from my family. My children are growing up at a rapid pace and I will miss two years of their lives because of the things I have done. Whether my sentence of 2 years (actually 4 years serving 2 years) was just or not is NOT the point. I have 2 years to continue what I was doing prior to serving my sentence which is to work my recovery the best way I can.

This brings me to a quote from my former boss which appeared in my Probation Report, he mentioned something to the effect of having me “stew” in prison and think about what I have done. If I followed this advice I would be no better than I was over 2 years ago when I was gambling, stealing, lying, and totally out of control. I cannot sit here and “stew” about the things I have done because it would serve no purpose. It would also not allow me to recover from my compulsive gambling addiction. I need to “learn” and “grow” into a positive person with positive attitude and beliefs. I cannot get mad at anyone including myself. The only person I should be angry with is me because it was me who did all of this which has caused me to be separated from my family for the next year and a half. However; if I am angry at myself I cannot recover. I have come to terms with what I have done and my situation. This way I can recover and be a better person as each day passes. This is not to say I am exactly happy with my current situation but I am happy with myself. I do know as I continue to recover my life gets better and I will be back with my family soon enough and there will be many more Christmas’ to truly enjoy. The key to my survival not only in a place like this but even when I get back into the outside world is my recovery. It is very simple I recover and return to a great life.

All yesterday I did write and I was able to catch the “big play” in the San Diego Chargers/Seattle Seahawks game which made my dorm mates go crazy. After writing I returned to my bunk to listen to some music on the radio. As I listened to the music I looked at the pictures of my family. A tear came to my eye as I looked at the Halloween pictures I have of my wife and children sitting in a pumpkin patch. At the same time this tear formed in my eye a smile came across my face. I am a blessed person to have these three magnificent people in my life. In spite of what I have done to them they are there for me. I love and miss them so much. These are the times where I just want to reach out and give all three of them a big hug and a kiss. I cannot do this for obvious reasons but the time will come soon enough and Christmas will certainly have a new meaning for me. In spite of all of the material possessions I have lost I have everything I could ever want in those three extraordinary people who are celebrating this Christmas in New Jersey. I love you!!

The time had passed and now it was time fore Christmas Eve dinner in the dining hall. The dinner consisted of barbecue chicken, blacked-eyed peas, rice, salad and Jell-O. Of course my tray had everything except the chicken and apparently the black-eyed peas are back to being prepared without meat. I did receive rather generous portions of the black-eyed peas and rice. I ate most of what was on my tray but I did give away the Jell-O. It is interesting when I give away food most of my dorm mates automatically assure that the particular food contains meat. One of my dorm mates asked me as I was giving away the Jell-O, “What is it made with, meat by-products?” My response was, “I don’t know I just don’t like it.” My dorm mates thank I am an anti-meat person and don’t realize I am just an EXTREMELY picky eater. I try to explain myself but most times it falls on deaf ears. They can think whatever they want, this is fine by me. My picky eating has lasted 41 years and God willing it will continue to last this long and more.

Christmas Eve had officially begun as I arrived back to the dorm after dinner. Last night was also an evening yard time. I did not have a telephone call scheduled nor did I have to sign-up for a telephone call so I decided to stay inside the dormitory. I did somewhat “torture” myself by listening to continuous Christmas music on the radio. This lased for about an hour. Normally I love Christmas Eve because of all the peace and serenity which surrounds the evening. In my eyes it is truly the calm before the storm because Christmas Day is invariable chaos with the opening of the presents then going to wherever for dinner. Christmas Day is usually a whirlwind of activity where Christmas Eve has a tranquil effect. One of my favorite movies of all time is the 1952 (?) version of Christmas Carol starring Alistair Cooke as Ebenezer Scrooge. This is a black and white version of the Dickens classic. A few years ago I was fortunate to receive a VHS of this movie and always wanted to start a tradition of watching this movie with my family on Christmas Eve. My children now being the ages of 8 and 5 were too young in the past to watch (it does have very scary parts especially to those under the ages of 7) but now my daughter and son are fast approaching the proper age to watch this movie. I do look forward to the Christmas Eve in the not so distant future we can all sit around and enjoy the classic. I know this will happen.

I could stand all I could of the Christmas music and I decided to write a letter to my daughter and son. It was a quick story about one Christmas Eve when I was little and needed to share it with them. I also wanted them to know I missed them and loved them so much. It was only a one page letter but when I finished writing I felt very good.

I was holding on to the one packet of the sugar-free hot chocolate specifically for last night. I needed a little treat for myself and not only made the hot chocolate but also made myself some oatmeal which I had recently purchased from the store. The combination of these two items hit the spot and this may sound disgusting but for the first time in almost 5 ½ months I burped after finishing the oatmeal and hot chocolate (in some countries burping at the end of a meal is a compliment to the chef!) I was truly full and satisfied for the first time in a long time. After brushing my teeth I settled in my bunk and instead of reading I decided to “enjoy” some Christmas music on the radio. I made it to about 10:30 pm when I turned off the radio and went to sleep.

As I woke up this morning at 5:00 am I was happy to have made it through Christmas Eve and today everything will be okay. I did stay in bed for an hour as I thought of my children and wife back in New Jersey most likely opening presents at this time. I was not sad, I was happy because everything is working out for the best. I continue to learn on every step of my journey and do know my current situation has saved me from something far worse. I continue to learn to work my recovery to the best of my ability and know I am headed in the right direction. I did get out of my bunk and get ready for Christmas breakfast of pancakes and oatmeal. This being a Monday meant I could watch the news in the television area. I made my way into this area where I watched the news until it was time to depart for the dining hall. I saw a few of the inmates who I have become very friendly with over these past months and wished them a “Merry Christmas”. Everything was fine at breakfast and I made my way back to the dormitory. Once back at the dorm I decided to read more of Mary, Mary which is flying by. I should finish this book tonight. Of course, I had to write as well which did take up most of the morning. This afternoon I do have two telephone calls scheduled and hopefully will be able to place them.

I would like to take this time to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. I hope this Christmas finds everyone in good health and with family and friends. If you are separated from family and friends for whatever reason, please make the best of it. I do know this has been a Christmas which I will never forget but everything happens for a reason and I am a much better person for this.

May God Bless and Merry Christmas!!

Day Before Christmas 2006

Once I finally fell asleep it was time to wake up. As I was listening to the radio there was a report about the transferring of prisoners to other states. According to the report “Powerful Prison Gangs” are preventing inmates from volunteering to be sent to other states in order to reduce the overcrowding situation. According to the report they are putting pressure on members not to go so their numbers stay strong. I do know there are 33 prisons in this state and I reside in only one of them, and fortunately I have not seen what this report is stating. This doesn’t mean that the report is inaccurate. I’m very happy that there are no gangs in this prison, at least none that I am aware of. There has been a great deal of conversation relating to the transfer of inmates and it is the consensus that none of the inmates here want to be transferred because they don’t see the advantage. Many of the inmates believe agreeing to be transferred to an out of state prison is tantamount to siding with the enemy. They don’t want to give in to the system and hold fast to other potential alternatives to the overcrowding. Many of the inmates believe there will be early releases due to the overcrowding. In a way, this is wishful thinking but based on all the reports, I have seen that something has to give in the next 6 months.

After breakfast my neighbor and I put back another clothesline - made out of a garbage bag - on his bunk and on mine. I must admit the inmates who have served multiple terms are very resourceful. Many of these inmates would give McGyver a run for his money! All is good until the next time when a CO cuts down the line but now at least I know how to make one.

I had two things that I needed to do in the afternoon yard and there was a question as to whether I would accomplish this or not. I needed to secure a telephone sign up for Christmas Day and I drafted one of my fellow instructors to help me since there were so many sign ups. I had him place his ID card in the box so that I could have two chances to sign up. The CO started calling name after name and the slots were filling up fast. He finally called my fellow instructor who secured a 1:15 pm time slot. My name was finally called for the same telephone at 1:00 pm. This meant I would be having 30 minutes of telephone time as opposed to 15 minutes and I would be able to talk to my family as well as my mother. Of course there is always the possibility the yard won’t open and any sign up times would disappear. Right now I am ecstatic to be able to talk to my family. By the way I planned on giving my fellow instructor 3 soups for helping me out if I were to accomplish my next task.

This task was going to the store which is actually a window overlooking the yard where the CO’s put the items out through a small slot. I approached the CO who was in charge of the store and asked if I may be able to get my items since I was shut out last week and haven’t been able to purchase anything since I arrived here. After telling me to wait several times, he finally called my name and told me to step in the cage. This meant I would be able to finally buy items from the store. I was so excited!

While I was waiting to get my items, a fellow inmate, who I have known since the reception center tried to get my attention. At first I tried to ignore him because I knew he wanted me to buy him something. He’s a few years older than me but looks like he’s 60 and has a reputation for hitting up anyone who is going to the store. I do have patience, but some reason when it comes to this particular person, I have very little patience. The unfortunate part about him is he is a homeless person outside of prison and lives the same way in here. It is truly sad that he doesn’t seem to be getting any better, but on the other hand there is no rehabilitation provided by the prison to help this person. No matter, I do know my limited patience with him is one of my character defects and certainly something I need to work on. He got my attention and asked for something sweet. My response to him was not exactly polite as I said, “If I get you something what about the other 1400 inmates on this yard. I would have to get everyone else something as well!” After I said this, I felt badly but really not that bad and continued to wait in line at the window. Since I submitted my store list, I couldn’t make any modifications. I order 20 tootsie pops for some of my dorm mates, a snickers for an inmate friend, and the milky way for one of the instructors.

My order of $140.00 was processed which basically included soups, tuna, rice, and beans. I ordered other items such as shampoo, crackers, laundry detergent, batteries, hot sauce, and tortillas. I am not sure how this amounted to $140 because the most expensive item was oatmeal which was $2.45 but the items did fill up 3 laundry bags. On the way back to the dorm, I stopped at the “homeless” inmate and gave him a tootsie pop and milky way and wished him Merry Christmas. I’m not sure if he thanked me but it didn’t matter and I went back to the dorm. I paid back some of the inmates who have helped me out with soups and snicker bars.

Clothesline

During my one hour lunch break, I once again changed out of my wet, sweaty clothing to dry clothes and instantly felt better. I started to read MARY, MARY by James Patterson. I washed my shirts so I wouldn’t be washing all afternoon. However, I realized I had a logistical problem when all the clothes were washed. I have 3 clotheslines – one at the head of the bunk, one at the rear of the bunk, and one on the side of the bunk. The clotheslines at the head and the rear can only accommodate one piece of clothing. The line on the side can hold up to 5 pieces depending on the size. The front clothesline always has my towel hanging from it. The two smaller clotheslines are made of string and the larger one is made from a tightly wound garbage bag. I hung up my shirts and decided to worry about the logistics later when I come back in.

After the PFT class ended, it also closed another work week for me. It really is difficult for me to call this work because I enjoy it so much. The weeks are ticking by at a very fast rate. The end of this class marked the beginning of a three day weekend. I would like to work six days of week and holidays while I am here. I went to the pill call line once again for the protein drink and much to my surprise there was no line. But, there were no drinks available again and I was told to come back later that evening. I am starting to get concerned of the big controversy over these drinks earlier this week. I hope that I am not caught in a power struggle between the CO staff and the medical staff. I do hope they ran out and there is no conspiracy going on. Also, as I thought about the lack of a line, I wondered if they ran out of other medication for the inmates. My educated guess is that these drinks won’t be available until after Christmas.

As I made my way back to the dorm I had 30 minutes before the unlock. I saw two of my fellow instructors who were also waiting. We had a very good conversation for these 30 minutes and I do get along very well with these two instructors. They are both 28 and so different from each other. One is deep into religion and the other is not. All three of us do share a passion for exercising and getting ourselves better both physically and mentally. In spite of what they did to get into a place like this, they are two good guys. And, I believe they won’t be back here because they are both headed in the right direction.

I went inside after the unlock where I had some serious laundry to do. After wringing out my clothing, I had blisters on both my thumbs. I had to figure out where to hang all these pieces of clothing. All I can say is that the next time I see a washing machine and dryer I very well may give it a big kiss and a hug! I certainly have a new found respect for these appliances.

Once all the laundry was done, I took my shower and the “mail call” came with 4 pieces of mail. I should say I only received 3 pieces because the 4th piece which was from a very dear friend could not be forwarded to me. Apparently, the card or envelope couldn’t be opened without destroying the contents and could not be searched. This card was sent to my wife and someday I will see the contents. So far I received 7 cards and I am touched by all of them. I am a blessed person and grateful for all the love and support I have received through this very trying time. I thank everyone!

I didn’t have a scheduled telephone call because I was shut out on Wednesday night. I was hoping to call my mother but this did not happen. I was shut out again to make a phone call on Christmas Eve which was very disappointing. However, my family has become very understanding of the phone call dilemma. I figured out that on Christmas Eve there are 77 scheduled calls and 150 inmates who try to sign up which means 73 are shut out. This is performed through a lottery system. I sure hope I am not in violation of the GA program because it is the only way I can sign up for a telephone call. We drop our ID cards into a box and the CO draws the first 77 names. There are always open spots except of course for this week. There are some inmates who sign up and when they secure a spot they sell this to the highest bidder. Some calls were going for $5 which translates to 25 soups. Needless to say, they have a very lucrative business. I do have other contingencies and hopefully they will pan out.

Around 3:00 am, I heard some noise in the dorm and realized the CO’s were walking through. Then I heard some noise at my bunk as the CO cut off my long clothesline when all the damp clothes fell on top of me. As he cut it off, he made some comment which I couldn’t hear. I was none too pleased when these clothes fell on top of me. I was not only wide awake but very upset. There was no way I could re-hang the line because it had been cut. I stacked the clothes on top of the other clothes on the other lines. I laid down and got even more angry. Some of my fellow dorm mates hang up sheets on both sides of their bunk for privacy and it is very difficult to ascertain whether they are in their bunks. I make it a point to not only leave one side wide open, but I put my smaller clothes near the front of the bunk so the CO’s could easily tell I am in the it. Apparently, this was good enough last night. Yes, I was very angry but told myself this is only temporary and it will pass. It certainly was an inconvenience to be awakened at 3:00 am with damp clothes falling on me, but it was a clear reminder for me to stay focused in my recovery so I can have my life back.

It took awhile to fall back to sleep but instead of being angry, I had a smile on my face which might have been a wry one but I think about how absurd my situation is and in a short time it will be all over. I thought about my family which always brings a smile to my face. The entire clothesline incident has taught me a lesson in humility and I need to carry this with me one day at a time.

Christmas Songs

Once the PFT class was finished and I washed my clothes, I headed to the pill call line and I must reiterate there are some pretty interesting characters. The line was very short and I had a conversation with one of these inmates behind me. I had no idea what he was saying; he spoke with a very thick accent and his words were making no sense to me whatsoever. I just smiled and nodded my head as he spoke. Thankfully, the wait was minimal and it was my turn at the window to receive the protein drink. Many of the processes here are manual and computers are not used at all in some instances. He told me they ran out of protein drinks and to come back later at night. I didn’t think much about it at this time and hoped they didn’t run out of medications for the people who truly need it. I saw the lead instructor and told him not to bother waiting in line since there were no protein drinks left.

I went back to the dorm and listened to Christmas songs that were playing fast and furiously on the radio. I would like to say that I am enjoying these songs but that would be a lie. In the past I always enjoyed the songs but now they are somewhat difficult to listen to. I heard the Chipmunks song which reminded me of my son and I had to laugh so it isn’t all that bad. Also, my current situation has prevented me from stringing up lights on the house and the tree – my goodness the lengths I have gone to get out of this! Just joking, but at times putting up the Christmas lights seemed like a burden but now I long for all the “accessories” that go with Christmas. However, the next few days will pass and there is no doubt that I will be sad. I do know my family is in an incredibly loving environment and will have a very Merry Christmas.

The daily dilemma of whether to go to dinner was upon me again. The entrée was spaghetti with meat sauce and I was hoping to get plain pasta. Maybe I could have placed the peanut butter over the plain pasta and had peanut butter pasta! Who knows it could have been the next culinary delicacy. Unfortunately, the pasta and meat sauce were a package deal and I couldn’t get the plain pasta so I settled for peanut butter and soup.

My day of eating was complete and I settled into reading the rest of CREEPERS. The book was good even though I am not a fan of horror which certainly fits this novel. It moved along very well and I was amazed as to how the author could take one spellbinding evening and write 359 pages on it. All in all it was a good novel. My dorm neighbor lent me his Eagles CD “When Hell Freezes Over”. I instantly thought of my wife because 10 years ago we saw the Eagles in concert when we lived in Vegas and we danced to “Peaceful Evening Feeling” on our wedding day. Both of these were happy memories and I was not sad, I just enjoyed the songs and after having those two pleasant memories I stayed in the moment. It was a very good way to conclude my day.

This morning was very cold – in the 30’s – I understand New Jersey isn’t even this cold. I had to keep moving this morning to stay warm. Today was the coach’s last day before going on vacation.

Outside World Keeps Going

The Wednesday class for the PFT Plus is designed so the instructors can take a day for a much needed rest. This class doesn’t require instructor participation; however, we still have to call cadences. This class is very different than the other four days which is a non stop cardiovascular training at a very high level for 15 minutes. Personally I would like a longer session because I still like to get warmed up – especially in the colder weather – when we are finished. In fact, in yesterday’s class I barely broke a sweat whereas all of the students and most of the instructors broke a good sweat.

The lead instructor came over to me and said, “I noticed you didn’t seem to sweat enough, are you drinking enough water?” I told him that I drink plenty and it is just the fact that the class is not nearly long enough for me to get a good sweat going. Since I changed the bulk of my exercise to the morning, the afternoon session is easier and I don’t sweat as much. I have also cut down on my running so I don’t stress my hip. After the class was over, it felt good to have participated and I do feel very good when I look around at most of my fellow instructors and know in spite of my older age, I can hold my own.

After class I embarked on my new routine which takes me to the pill call line. Once again I waited 30 minutes and decided to head to the dorm. Unfortunately, I missed the unlock and had to wait another 45 minutes to get back in. I decided to take out my book and read it in the yard since I was done exercising for the day. It was difficult reading the book in the yard because I kept getting interrupted by my fellow inmates. It seemed most of them took it upon themselves to come up to me and ask what I was reading. After several of them asked me about the book, they hung around and started talking to me. I didn’t really mind the attention but by the time the fourth person came I realized reading was pointless. In those 45 minutes before unlock, I read 8 pages and it is a very small paperback. Due to my instructor position I am a very visible face on the yard and I guess I am very approachable. This is very pleasant, but there are times when I just want to be alone and hide which is what I do in my 3 foot square living space in my dorm. It really isn’t too bad and I am very fortunate so far on this journey and I have no right to complain and I won’t.

The afternoon is always the same but goes by very quickly – wash clothes, shave, shower, eat, write my blog, get dressed for dinner, and go to the dining hall. It’s certainly not very exciting but I can rely on this from Monday through Friday while I work. I have to insert a brief story about one of my dorm mates. Every day I write – sometimes longer than other days. This particular dorm mate always stops by on a daily basis by my bunk and tells me to put my pen down. He also always asks me how many pages I have written. He seems to stop by when I am writing the blog so some days I have 28, 30, and 32 pages written. I guess I have handwritten well over 1000 pages by now which has kept me sane. Without it I really may go insane. Many of the inmates have served multiple terms in prison and to them this existence is old-hat and nothing possibly could be worth writing about. This particular inmate has served 7 years and has 2 ½ more years to go so he is a seasoned prison veteran. I am a rookie and everything is new to me. There hasn’t been one day that has gone by in the past 5 ½ months that I couldn’t find anything to write about. I am trying my best to turn this negative situation into a positive experience. I need to live in the here and now but I can never forget what brought me to this awful place which was my gambling addiction. Thankfully, I have discovered recovery in order to live a sane life and never come back here. I got off track a bit (if there is one) is my writing keeps me going and helps me so much everyday. I tried to explain this to my dorm mate and I am not sure if he understood.

After dinner I had a scheduled phone call which I placed to my wife. Our conversation was very pleasant but there was something on her mind. My family, especially my mother has become very protective of me since my incarceration. They try to filter out any potential negative news. My wife received something unexpected in the mail on Tuesday. My mother didn’t want my wife to tell me just yet especially if I spoke with her on Christmas Day. Even though I have been sentenced to spend 2 years there are other ramifications of my felonious behavior. One of these is that I owe the state of California a rather large tax bill due to the fact that this money was not entered on my tax return. On Tuesday, my wife received two large tax bills requesting the total amount immediately. She certainly wasn’t prepared for this and thought it would arrive after my release. The odd part of the bill is the amount is greater than the amount stipulated in my court papers – I guess the interest never stops. It appears my wife has it under control and has contacted a tax attorney through some of our wonderful friends. I have no idea how the disposition of this bill will work out in the end, but I do know the outside world keeps going while I am here. I cannot beat myself up each time my horrible deeds rear their ugly head or I would be a very bruised person. These are the very unfortunate consequences of my actions and I must live for today in order to secure a wonderful tomorrow. By the way, it’s very obvious that when I speak to my wife at night it does have an effect on my sleep patterns. I was very tired last night and fell asleep before 10:00 pm but I woke up wide awake at 2:30 am. I am trying my best but it is very hard knowing my wife is out there dealing with all this crap I left behind.

This morning I saw something very comical as I exited the dining hall. The pill call line is about 50 yards from the dining hall. There are inmates with certain disabilities such as “hearing impaired” and “mobility impaired”. They wear bright yellow vests when they are on the yard and are exempt form getting down on their stomachs when the alarm goes off, instead they can sit upright. One inmate who was wearing a “mobility impaired” bright yellow vest exited the dining hall and noticed the pill line had just started to assemble. He sprinted – yes, sprinted – to the front of the line! I have not seen any inmate on this yard move that fast. I guess he needed his medication really bad! I had to laugh when I saw this. After he received the medication, he “limped” back to his dorm. It looks as though everyone needs an incentive.

When the PFT class was over, I went to the trailer to see my counselor. I asked a few questions regarding fire camp status and the family visit application. Unfortunately, he couldn’t answer all my questions and told me to come back in two weeks. He needed to pull my file even though it was already out somewhere. I found it very peculiar that my file was out and my counselor didn’t know who had it. But, based on subsequent discussions with a few inmates, the files are housed in different areas so I shouldn’t be concerned. It looks like I need to be patient yet again with these administrative matters.

Solid Day Of Work

I haven’t eaten a lunch during my “lunch break” since I started working. I will usually have a nutri grain bar and a PB & J sandwich in the mid-afternoon. Yesterday after working out it was time for me to pick up my protein drink which is dispensed through the pill call line that is available three times a day. I receive only one drink and can pick it up at any of these times. However, the lines are always very long - normally 25 to 30 inmates deep. Many are picking up very serious medication for some very serious mental issues.

When I received the drink – “Boost” – it does have 240 calories with 10 grams of protein and many minerals and vitamins. I put in a request asking for one more can per day which would supplement my protein allowing me to have less peanut butter. With two cans, I shouldn’t be as hungry as I have been in the afternoon.

After the evening meal, I finished up a letter and started on a new book called CREEPERS by David Morrell. He is an accomplished author having written 24 fiction and 5 non-fiction books and is the creator of the “Rambo” series which was news to me because I thought they were creations of Slyvestor Stallone. This particular novel is very Stephen King like. I am not a big fan of horror novels but the book is shaping up to be very good. It’s a nice change from the detective series I have been reading for the past five months.

This morning meant it was time for an early breakfast which came at 6:30. A funny comment from one of the CO’s: I noticed the pancakes have been getting smaller and my fellow inmates were complaining about them. The best rebuttal came from a CO who said, “Well, don’t come to prison then.” There was no response from the inmates because what could they say?

As I was leaving the dining hall, I approached the CO who is in charge of guarding the lunches. He is the one who knows me and treats me well. I reached into the milk crate where the vegetarian lunches are stored and pulled the peanut butter and jam lunch. As I pulled it out, another CO who was a sergeant approached me and said, “You got a chrono for that?” That is a permission slip. My reply was “Yes, sir” and I moved on. There was a brief moment when I heard this statement which was phrased very harshly and was not in the form of a question, when I wanted to respond with a smart comment but I certainly refrained. This place does wear on me and underneath it all, I am human with those human emotions. Hopefully, I won’t ever act on these thoughts but I was surprised they did creep into my mind. I do think it had all to do with the tone of the statement and unfortunately there are CO’s who do treat the inmates – me included – like something less than human beings. Also, for the life of I can’t figure out the big deal which seems to surround my vegetarian meals. I really would like to know why there is so much drama since I have been receiving them. Whatever the case I will be mindful of my thoughts and continue to be polite and respectful to all the CO’s because they hold all the power. I do understand my place which is one of an inmate.

It was now on to the basketball court for day two of the PFT class which was actually the first day of the formal class. The lead instructor passed out the assignments which were broken into two teams. He appointed me one of the leads for one team which made me feel very good. This just means I am in charge of the instructors on my team and he assigned me two of the good instructors. This also means I get to do the bulk of the back pacing which I really enjoy. The front pacing is being performed by the instructor who is actually part of the class. The coach wanted this instructor to lead all of the walks and runs without any breaks. Whereas the other instructors (me included) can take various breaks throughout the walks and runs. I really don’t like to take any breaks because I believe the instructors should lead by example and only take breaks during non walk and non run times. Also, I am a little deranged because I enjoy tallying all the miles in the class and don’t like missing any. This is part of my obsessive compulsive working out disorder and I am trying my very best to keep this a positive disorder!

The class went very well for being Day Two mostly due to the fact that over the half the class has been “recycled” from the previous one and knows what to do. The class was over and we had our post class meeting. I kept my mouth shut through most of the meeting because many of my fellow inmates were doing a great deal of talking. It was certainly confirmed by the coach that the administration is dictating all the procedures for the PFT classes. The one positive for the students is the coach won’t be there to administer the test because he is on vacation next week. The administration should be sending a substitute coach to administer the test. If this coach is anything like the other ones all the students should pass. The substitutes are no where near as particular as the coach on techniques so it should be a breeze for all the students. Our coach does have the right attitude when he was discussing all this with us which was his acceptance of the situation. Even though he disagrees with administration he remains professional without a derogatory word.

Protein Drink Hysteria

Yesterday afternoon I was extremely happy as I walked back to the yard from my medical appointment. When I returned, the yard was closed because it was lunch time. I was hoping the PFT class was in action during this time but I saw it was not. I stopped at the lead instructor’s dorm to ask about the PFT class and also to inform him on the status of his protein supplement. By the way, there is only one lead instructor because the other will be paroled in less than two weeks and inmates are ineligible to work when they have less than two weeks prior to their parole date. His last day was last Friday so officially he is retired. He was receiving these drinks for six months prior to “someone” mysteriously discontinuing their use. The PFT class was going to start in 30 minutes and I didn’t miss anything by being in the doctor’s office. When I told him the doctor didn’t discontinue his drink he gave me a big smile and said, “I knew it!” As we talked more there appears to be a turf war between the doctor’s office and the people administering the protein drinks. They are dispensed through the “pill call” line on the yard. There is a medical Technician Assistant who dispenses these. In spite of these people having their name “Medical” in their job title, they are correction officers and are the responsibility of the Custody Department – not the Medical Department. Apparently someone in the Custody Department took it upon themselves to discontinue the protein drinks for the lead instructor.

Later that day the lead instructor got called into the doctor’s office where the doctor asked him about the protein drinks. The instructor confirmed everything that I told him and the doctor was very apologetic and assured him he didn’t discontinue his drinks. The doctor wrote on the prescription “ Do not alter without permission of the doctor”. It seemed my innocent question uncovered the proverbial can of worms. By the way the protein drinks were readily available for both of us today.

Yesterday afternoon the PFT class started Day One but it was clearly evident this would not be a typical class. Due to the holidays the students will not be given a full 9 day course. It appears the emphasis from the administrative department is to pump as many students through the class as possible. However, the coach will not pass anyone who is not ready. As we met with the coach he spoke to us about the scheduling and the changes that will take place after January 1st. I couldn’t help but to shake my head in dismay. I could tell that the coach did not agree with these administration decisions but he had no choice. Also, I found myself asking more questions and adding more comments than I have ever done in the past. I only started this position a little over a month ago and I guess I am getting more comfortable because in the past I didn’t say too much. Strangely enough, I do care about my position and like learning about how the instructors really work in prison. I do enjoy the post class meetings because the coach keeps my brain active which is very important that I stay mentally active. After the meeting I ran and did some pushups.

After the push up session, I headed back to the dorm for my daily hygiene ritual and had my afternoon snack. Afterward, I did what I normally do which is to write. The mail came and I only received one letter. It appears the Christmas season has delayed the mail process considerably because now I am receiving mail which was postmarked 10 to 15 days as opposed to 5 to 7 days. After writing, it was time for dinner which was filet o fish. Needless to say, my tray was filled with beans which held me all night.

Last night was an evening yard night and I did have a telephone call to my wife which surprisingly went through. I wished my wife a Happy Birthday but it seemed to be a very uneventful and quiet day for her. The 15 minutes – actually 13 – went by in a blink of an eye. We talked about her birthday and she told me that our son and daughter were able to get her a pen and coffee mug from the school store. My wife also informed me that she received another package from my dear GA friends in Southern California. In the package were more gifts for my children with two wrapped gifts for my wife. They are truly incredible people and I love each one of them! They are extraordinary and I thank each one for their unbelievable generosity, support, and love. Thank you so very much, thanks to all my dear friends in GA. I know for a fact recovery does work and life continues to get better each day. May God Bless Each of You!

I returned to the dorm where I finally finished HOUR GAME by David Balducci. The end was very good and it was a great way to start my new book collection. I have become a library of sorts and have lent out more books to my dorm mates. An inmate whom I have never seen before came up to me with a laundry bag full of books and asked if I were Paul and wanted to trade books with him. I declined stating that I haven’t read all of them which I wanted to do before trading them out. But – which I didn’t say to him – I really was afraid I wouldn’t get these books back because this inmate was from a different dorm and since these books were given to me by mother and sister they have special meaning for me.

My Dear Wife Happy Birthday

The most important person in my life is celebrating a milestone birthday today – my dear wife. We are not physically together due to my horrible actions as I sit in a California Prison some 3000 miles away from my wife. She is an incredible person and she has endured so much as a result of my actions yet she has been with me every step of the way. Her support and love never wavered. I have not seen her in over five months and we will be physically separated for at least the next year. Of course, I should be right by her side celebrating her birthday today but I am not. I can say, “I am sorry” until I am blue in the face which I certainly am. However, my actions are what counts, not words.
Thankfully, I have been in recovery for 22 months which is why my wife has been by my side. Without my recovery I know I would be alone without anything. Now that I am in recovery the world is a better place and I am truly blessed because of my wife. She is out there in the “real world” taking great care of our children and providing them with magnificent love and support. She is a great wife, mother, and friend. I love her so much and miss her so much. I hope she had a wonderful birthday and I look forward to spending many more with her both physically and spiritually. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I was feeling so very good after my visit yesterday. The entire weekend was very different because I did not exercise on either day. I think these old bones needed these two days off and I would gladly trade a day of exercising for receiving a visit anytime!
I walked back to my dorm with a huge smile on my face. A few of my dorm mates had asked me about my visit and I told them it went great. It was interesting because when I told them a friend came and visited me, I also used the word “she” a few times as I recounted the visit. Some of them didn’t quite understand how I could have a friend of the opposite sex without it being a girlfriend. One of my dorm mates asked if my wife knew about my friend who visited. I said, “Of course and she was very happy about my friend coming to visit.” The dorm mate looked at me sort of strangely after I said this. I was going to tell him about how this friend is part of recovery, but I thought better of it based on his non-understanding of having a friend of the opposite sex.

I do realize how special my life has become to be surrounded by so many wonderful people and it is ashamed many of my other inmate friends don’t experience this. This is a by-product and a huge benefit of my recovery. I am so grateful to experience this love, friendship, and incredible support on a daily basis. I do know I will make it through this unfortunate situation a very fortunate person because I have already become one.

After returning to the dorm from the visit, I wrote and continued reading my book. Then it was time for dinner where the main entrée was turkey ham with black-eyed peas, yams, salad, and an icee for dessert. I was focusing on the peas because I do like them. I made my way to the front of the line where the very nice CO greeted me. She told me I would get extra yams and no black eyed peas because they contain meat by products. This was news to me and I asked her when they started putting meat in the black-eyed peas. She told me, “Tonight is the first night because the kitchen staff wanted them to taste better.” I then told her I liked them the way they were to which she laughed. I thought to myself– great, one more item I can’t eat. I took the tray filled with yams – even though I am not crazy about them, but I really had no choice because the only other items on my tray were salad and icee. I could only manage to eat a few yams before I tired of them. I gave away my icee and ate the salad. I was done very quickly with this meal and needless to say I was less than satisfied. I almost forgot I was also given the standard two tubes of peanut butter. When I got back to the dorm I made myself a peanut butter and jam sandwich because I only have two hot dinner meals remaining in my locker. These are both pasta with vegetables which are heat n serve. Based on the weekly menu which is posted Sunday night for the following week, I am going to need these meals later on in the week so I opted for the PB & J sandwich.

It was a very mellow evening and after eating the sandwich, I was going to watch the Sunday night football game in the television area with many of my dorm mates. However, one of the teams playing was the San Diego Chargers and there are many Charger fans in the dorm. I have watched games with my dorm mate Charger fans before and it seems as the season progresses they get louder with their cheers. At first, I did like how they were rooting for their teams but last night it seemed to go overboard. In the past games, it was easy to decipher when the Chargers made a touchdown because the cheering was very raucous. Last night it was hard to tell a touchdown from a decent play made by the Chargers because the rooting / cheering was equally as loud. I decided to stay on my bunk and read. I am almost finished with HOUR GAME by Daniel Baldacci and the last half is moving very quickly. Yes, it is a good book. As in the case most nights I turned in at 10:00 pm because my work week was starting today. Prior to my turning in I received a ducat informing me of an appointment today with the medical department. This is what I have been waiting for since last month. This is the follow-up visit with the doctor from November 2nd who was very nice to me. Thankfully, I did follow up with this myself by putting in a request last week. I hate to think what would have happened if I didn’t. I do know there are many things I cannot change in a place like this, but I must ensure all avenues are exhausted before accepting this. I had a few options remaining and thankfully the appointment was finally scheduled. Also the time seemed to work out well – at 10:30 am right in between the PFT Plus Class and Day One of the new PFT class. I was very excited to see the doctor.

The morning was a very typical work morning. The PFT Plus class went off very well and it felt good to bet back to working out. About ten minutes after the class started, the lead instructor arrived and seemed very pleased to see the class had already started. He said he was pleased that class was started before he arrived because it showed good initiative. After he said this my fellow instructors all looked at me and one of them patted me on my back. It really wasn’t a big issue because I was doing what comes natural and it seemed like common sense to begin the class. It was nice to be appreciated by my fellow instructors and a good way to start the week.

Now it was time to make my way over to the medical area for my appointment. This meant I had to change from my PFT clothes to my “blues”. I tried to get there early for 10:00 am but was denied access through the gates by a CO because I was too early and was told to come back 30 minutes later. At that time I was permitted to enter the medical area. I was right on time for my appointment. The waiting room was filled to capacity. I was hoping they were not all here to see the same doctor as me. About 45 minutes of waiting, I regretted not bringing my book because I could have finished it already. After 50 minutes, the nurse called my name – actually a near facsimile of my name – and I went to the nurse’s area. I was told to get on the scale and weigh myself. Well, it looks like the peanut butter and bean diet is holding because I actually gained a pound in six weeks. I weighed 149 pounds fully clothed with six pound work boots on. The last time I weighed 148 with almost the same clothing. My blood pressure is 106 over 68 with a pulse rate of 58 beats per minute (I must have been stressed after waiting 50 minutes) and my oxygen level is 100%. The nurse asked why I was here and I told her it was a follow up appointment to receive clearance for fire camp. The nurse said I seem very healthy and the doctor should see me shortly.

At noon the doctor called me and thank goodness it was the same doctor that I saw back in November. He quickly examined me with his stethoscope. He also asked me to pick up my pant legs and he examined my legs. After the brief check up he opened my medical file and began writing. The first thing he wrote down was “CLEARED FOR FIRE CAMP AND NO FURTHER TESTS REQUIRED.” I watched as he wrote these words and couldn’t believe my eyes. He wrote this several times through my file and as he continued to write I could feel myself becoming happier by the second. I didn’t think I would receive this medical clearance today. I was just hoping to receive the additional test in a more expeditious manner. This was a pleasant shock. After the doctor was finished writing I was almost afraid to speak with him because I didn’t want anything to spoil the moment. I just walked to medical clearance so I could get out of there. I did muster up the courage to bring up a totally unrelated point to my medical clearance. I asked him about the protein supplements not for myself but for two of my fellow instructors. They were given protein supplements but were taken away a few weeks ago. I asked the good doctor if he was aware that these supplements were taken away. He was not and became very concerned as to why this happened.

He went into a brief discussion about how the process to receiving protein supplements goes through various channels before being dispensed to the inmate. However, he was visibly upset why someone other than him would halt the supplements. He said he would look into it and asked me if I would like these supplements as well. I jumped at the chance and said, “Yes” because not only are these supplements full of protein but they are also full of vitamins and minerals. He asked how many cans per day I would like. I asked how many calories these cans contain before giving my answer. He said he thought it is 700 calories and when I heard this I said one can per day would be fine. As it turns out one can contains 250 calories according to the lead instructor who was taking them. If that is the case I hope the doctor adjusts my prescription accordingly. I won’t know until tomorrow when I receive my first dosage.

We finally wrapped up the discussion on the protein supplements and got back to my medical clearance. The doctor made it official as he dictated a note into his Dictaphone so he could officially write my fire camp clearance notification. Our meeting had ended and needless to say I was elated as I walked out of his office. I wished him a very Happy Holiday Season as I departed his office. He thanked me when he heard this but it was me who could not thank him enough for doing what he did today. This was very unexpected and now expedites the process for going to fire camp. Assuming all the necessary paperwork is filed in a timely manner conceivably I could be in one of two PFT classes held in January as a student instructor. Now my next item of concern is receiving the letter from the county clearing up my charges report in order for me to move to the next stop after PFT which is FFT – Fire Fighting Training. Hopefully, I will hear something from my counselor very soon if not I will make an appointment to see him on Thursday. Today was truly an outstanding day – not only did I receive some surprising news – my lovely wife celebrated her birthday. Every thing continues to get better everyday and I am so grateful.