Four Years from Last Wager

In the category of “what a difference a year makes” yesterday compared to one year ago was significantly different. One year ago I was released back into the free world and spent most of that day getting my bearings down. Yesterday one year into the free world I had a very busy day at work but it was a wonderful day indeed. I went for my usual morning run and since I was headed to Colorado for the weekend I did a little more than usual. The workout was followed by me going into the office to get some things done. I had hoped to venture out of the office to see a very good friend but I could only breakaway for a few minutes in order for me to get a haircut. I had been long overdue for a haircut since my last one was Christmas Eve. My wife kept telling me I needed to get a haircut but I couldn’t find the time. Finally I decided to take the 30 minutes and go down the street to my barber where I got my haircut. These are the simple things of life and hopefully I will never grow to a point where I take these things for granted.

The day flew by at work and I could have stayed much longer but it was necessary for me to get home. My daughter was performing in the school’s talent show. My daughter and her friends weren’t successful in their audition; however; the teachers responsible for the talent show had asked my daughter and her friends if they wanted to perform the Star Spangled Banner at the start of the show. My daughter seemed very pleased to have been asked and she was practicing so hard this week in preparation for their debut. She wouldn’t say much about how the performance would go because she wanted us to see it for ourselves. I am so happy I had the opportunity to see her and her friend perform last night. I was pleasantly surprised how well the performance went and the fact that they actually sang the National Anthem I was very impressed.

The National Anthem is a very difficult song to perform and my daughter and her friend did a fantastic job. They didn’t miss any words and as they completed my daughter had her big bright beautiful smile on her face full of pride. I too had a big smile on my face knowing my daughter is an amazing and talented person. I wouldn’t say she is ready for American Idol but for an 11 year old in front of audience she did very well. We stayed to see a few acts in the show and there was some talent on display. My daughter wanted to stay for her curtain call but my wife and I had to leave in order to prepare for the very busy weekend.

I was headed to Colorado and my wife was headed to the ball fields for opening day. I did go back to pick up my daughter and to see the curtain call. She was still beaming with pride and energy at the end of the show and I gave her a big hug when I saw her. It was a great day and culminated with a great evening performance. We drove back home where I finished packing for the weekend and everyone was in bed early.

I had to wake up very early this morning in order to make it to the airport. Fortunately I have a very good friend who lives near the airport and I was leaving my car with this dear friend so I could save on the parking fees. I was out of bed well before dawn and on the road to the airport. My family had a few more hours of sleep remaining before their very busy day and I kissed everyone good-bye. I did have mixed feelings as I departed because I love my family so much and I love these types of days. Additionally I knew a big burden was placed on my wife’s shoulders (once again!) with all the running around she needed to do today. However; this was a special trip to Colorado to not only see my sister who is turning 40 but my mother and other sister who both flew to Colorado from New Jersey for this special occasion. My wife would do a great job as she always does and I knew my family was in her great care.

I made it to the airport right on time and everything went well as I boarded the airplane. The flight to Denver was without incident but it was a very full flight which is certainly the norm nowadays. Gone are the days of half full flights and I was near a couple of babies and a couple of toddlers. The babies were typical as they were fussy on takeoff and landing but when we were in the air they were great. The toddler behind me kept kicking my seat but I didn’t say anything because I could hear the father saying, “Stop that” constantly. It is just part of air travel and having two children myself I fully understood the father’s predicament.

The flight landed on time and I met my two sisters and mother outside the terminal as their flight was actually early. All the planning worked out perfectly and we were headed to my sister’s house for a great weekend. It was my nephew’s birthday yesterday and he was having a birthday party this afternoon. I went with everyone to the very nice birthday party and I was impressed as to how well behaved the children were all throughout the party. The affair was indeed very nice and the day moved along well.

Tonight my mother and I met a very dear friend at my favorite restaurant franchise P.F. Chang’s. We had a wonderful time the entire evening. The food and most certainly the company were great. I had hoped to meet with my sponsor as well but a prior very important commitment kept my sponsor away. It is really unbelievable how much Gamblers Anonymous continues to touch my life. The friendship I have with this dear friend started through the GA Program and continue to grow and grow through the GA Program. We talked about recovery which is always a great subject and yes, my life is enriched because of recovery. This was a wonderful day and I am so fortunate and blessed to be experiencing all this wonderment.

One Year Removed

My son’s practice was over and we headed over to my daughter’s practice. I did have to make a few calls as I made the short drive over to my daughter’s practice field. I spoke with two very dear friends who seem to be at different ends of the spectrum. One friend is loving life and does embrace each and every day where the other friend wishes the day would disappear as life hasn’t been so kind lately. However; they both have very vibrant spirits and I have confidence that the friend who is doing so well right now will be great very soon. I had to stop and think about the “Law of Attraction” because on the surface these two friends are very different in many aspects to each other and also to me. However; upon further inspection it is all about what is underneath this human skin and they are both good souls and good people. That I believe is the “attraction” and I am so fortunate and grateful to have them in my life.

I made it over to my daughter’s practice and she was waiting for us. She was very happy to have received her uniform for the season and seemed to relish in the fact that the number on her jersey was 31. I am not sure what the connection was but it seemed to have to do with the fact that she was number 32 in the fall and now she is number 31 which means she is not the smallest player on her team. She is certainly not the smallest player on her team as the girls seem much younger this season as opposed to the fall. My daughter is the elder statesman of the team at the ripe old age of 11 and some of the girls are as young as 8 years old. I do think in terms of a team it could be a long season for the “Mighty Bombers’ but I am sure as the season progresses the girls will develop and some surprises will arise. For now my daughter seems very happy with being the starting shortstop and at the prospect of pitching a few innings.

We arrived home to see that my wife had picked up dinner as she came home from work. As hectic as the week might be will always seem to have the time to sit as a family for dinner. The dinner may have only been burritos but the fact that we were all together at the table as a family without any distractions meant a great deal to me. These are quality times and yes, the quantity of time might not have been that longs as the children had homework to do and I had to go see a dear friend but that few minutes was the highlight of my day.

Dinner was over and I went over to a very good friend’s house. This friend has faced some very difficult times as a late and all I could do was lend an ear. We talked or my like my friend talked and I listened very intently. I continue to learn that there is a “process” for most everything in this world and that “process” takes time. I know in my own situation it took me years to finally succumb to the fact that I am and I will always be a compulsive gambler. This continues to be accomplished through recovery and I realize without recovery my life ceases to exist. I can never force anyone into something a person is not willing to do as was the case with myself over the years. I had the warning signs and I had people tell me what I needed to do but I chose my own path. That path led me to places I never thought I would have ever been; however; it continues to work out for the very best. I can only hope that this will be the case for people who make the necessary changes to recover.

The conversation went very well and it seems a new direction was forged. Hopefully this new direction will lead to a great things and I think this will be the case. As I drove home I thought how incredible my life has been not only over this past year but since I entered recovery. Yes, last year I was preparing for my release and now one year later (exactly today) I am so happy to the way everything has turned out. Yes, it is not only incredible but I do believe there has been a Plan in place for a very long time I just finally woke up and realized I needed to let things go. As I let things go my life continues to get better and I am surrounded by wonderful people and wonderful things.

I woke up this morning and the first thought I had was yes, it has been one year since I walked out of that fire camp. I really didn’t know what to expect over this past year I only had some hopes. Well all my hopes have been surpassed as this past year moved along. I was able to meet my family in New Jersey and drive back to California as a family. This did mean the world to mean and being an entire family for the first time in two years has been incredible. I love my wife more and more each day and my children are my idols. I don’t know what I have done to deserve all the incredible people in my life but I am not about to turn back on such great things. I am blessed and so grateful to have this second chance and yes, one year later each day is a blessing.

"Process" Can be Confusing

The evenings seem to go even faster than the days. I don’t know where the evenings have gone over this past week. Monday was a whirlwind, Tuesday much of the same and last night I can barely remember what happened. I do know it beyond fantastic to be with my family at the end of the day even for those few hours. The children are doing exceptionally well and I am watching my 11 year old mature before my very own eyes. My daughter is still rather small for her age especially compared to her friends but her features are maturing. Yes, in less than two years she will be an official teenager but I hope she will always be my “little girl”. This is another example of the power that time has in this world. It seems like just yesterday we were introduced as I gazed into her big beautiful eyes for the first time and my heart has never been the same since. Now 11 years later she is turning into a beautiful young woman. I wouldn’t be truthful if I didn’t mention that she does have her “moments” where my wife and I both yearn for those tender years but I so happy how well she is developing mentally.

The credit goes to my wife for keeping things “normal” in a very abnormal period those two years and the transition back to our complete family life has been seamless. I am fortunate and it is those small moments where I watch my daughter doing her homework at the kitchen table and just smile knowing how well things are. Nearly four years ago I pulled the rug out from my family but now four years later that rug has been reinstalled and it is a much nicer plusher version fully installed and hopefully not going anywhere! It is so cool to just to be an observer and also to know in spite of being labeled the “mean” Dad both my children want to be with me. My daughter in spite of her nearing teenager status constantly wants me to pick her up and hold her which I find totally wonderful. My son is most times at my side when he stops his activities and yes, my family is incredible.

This morning I decided to take the day off from working out because I was a little tired. My son’s has developed the habit of sleepwalking over the past few months and since I am such a light sleeper I am usually awaken with his nocturnal activity. The other night my wife discovered that my son had gone downstairs while sleepwalking which is fairly scary but he only went downstairs for a minute and came back up where my wife guided him back to his bedroom. I have witnessed this as well as my son goes downstairs but comes right back up all while he is sleeping. Last night in the wee hours of the morning I was startled to see my son standing at the foot of our bed. He wasn’t doing anything other than just standing there and yes, he was asleep so I just guided him back to his bedroom where he went back to bed. As I went back to our bedroom I heard the bathroom door open and close several times and I discovered that my son got out of bed to use the bathroom. After a few minutes he finally went back to his bed and fell into a deep sleep with no more sleep walking activity.

I do have a difficult time getting back to sleep when I am awakened in the middle of the night. I basically stayed awake for at least another hour so when my usual wake up time came I didn’t have the energy to get out of bed and beside I find I do need a day of rest after my intense workout session. This also gave me more rest but also allowed me to get to the office early. I needed to get to the office early because Thursdays are the whirlwind days just like Mondays with my wife going to her work. Today was especially busy because not only did my daughter have softball practice my son had baseball practice. The practice sessions weren’t exactly near one another and with the afternoon start time I had to give myself enough time to get them to both practices in time. This made the day go even faster and after putting out “fires” all morning I looked at my watch and realized I had just one more hour until I had to go leaver the office.

Yes, the day was over in an instant and as I departed the office I did wander what I got accomplished but the thoughts of the office vanished as I went home and saw my children. They were ready to go and after I made a quick change of my work clothes we were headed off to their practices. I got my daughter to her practice in plenty of time and from there I went with my son to his practice. I didn’t think I would be helping out with my son’s team this season but one of the coaches had quit so I volunteered my services. I do like this much better as I was involved with the practice helping the boys throw and catch. There are difficult skill levels on the team and some boys are more advanced than others but it is great to see it when the boy who isn’t as accomplished as others grasps a concept and when they received a compliment to see the smiles on their faces. I didn’t think of work at all as I spent the 90 minutes at my son’s practice and I am so happy to help anyway I can.

Prophetic Page 17

Page 17 of the Gamblers Anonymous Combo Book now has 8 entries and the last entry continues to resonate loudly with me. “…..The days and weeks will pass soon enough….” Are such prophetic words because as I reach one year from my release and four years from my abstinent date these days continue to accelerate in warp speed; I remember having a high school teacher talk about how the years go by so much quicker as we age. The example was with simple math stating that one year in the life of a one year old is 100% of that person’s life whereas as one year in the life of a 60 year old is only 1/60th of that person’s life. I am sure I understand the mathematical concept when I first heard this over 25 years ago but never fully understand the personal meaning until recently. Prior to entering recovering I didn’t value time I just bided my time. Of course I had to “do” the time; however; fortunately for me because of recovery instead of doing the time I continue to make the best of that time. This is very important because it gives value and substance to my life and of course I am eternally grateful.

In this vane here it is Wednesday already and these days are flying by. I spent a full day at work yesterday because it was my wife’s turn to take my son to his baseball practice and I am enjoying my new position very much. I am sort of a “jack of all trades” which means I master none of those trades!! In my previous position I did what I was told and this does continue but there are many other aspects of this position that only I must do what I am told I must do what I tell myself. It is so wonderful to have been given a second chance in every facet of my life and once again all thanks to recovery it is my full intention to make the very best of this second chance.

This morning I was back in the gym and yes, it was the day for the high intensity workout. These workouts aren’t as intense in my most recent marathon training session but still very effective. I seem to revel in the high intensity workouts and this goes back to when I first started working out regularly over 20 years ago. When I started working out I would hammer away at the Stairmaster and would be a sweaty mess when I was finished. Over the years I changed from the Stairmaster to the bicycle and then 7 years ago I started running regularly. I am still that same sweaty mess when I finish my workout that I was when I first started and I seem to want the sweaty mess even more as I get older. I have realized over the past few years that I can accomplish more in less time and it isn’t about the duration but about the quality of the workout. This transcends into my life because it is all about quality and lately I need to remind myself as the demands of life accumulate. I am blessed and I must never lose sight of these blessing for fear of making those horrible mistakes of my past.

There weren’t any mistakes this morning as I had my shortest workout of the week but the most intense. I had more sweat in such a short period of time and something interesting is starting to happen as I move forward in my new daily routine. As I wake up I really don’t want to go to the gym but would rather stay in bed but after a few minutes I drag myself out of bed. I get myself dressed and out the door. Even as I warm-up I am not really into exercising but after 10 minutes I get into a rhythm and when I am finished I feel great. This has happened everyday this week and today was no exception. I felt great and had a big smile on my face as I headed to the showers a drippy sweaty mess this morning. I am one fortunate soul and love everything about my life.

As the workout was complete and I cleaned up; I headed off to work for another fun filled day. The three tasks I set for myself continue to be a challenge as the other issues arise but thankfully at the end of the day I do feel like I have accomplished most of the those three things. Today I had to get the official word on whether or not I would be allowed to go to Colorado this weekend. This was just a mere formality but as things go the more things that change the more they stay the same. I didn’t receive a runaround the “formality” took a little longer than I expected; however; much to my surprise everything was completed without a visit to my “favorite” office. Conceivably this would be my last request as my parole ends next month. This wasn’t a problem and my how things have changed over the last year. What I thought would happen has happened it just took a little longer. I heard the horror stories but knew as long as I continue doing the right things I wouldn’t have any problems and this is exactly how it has all transpired. I am now officially allowed to see my family this weekend in Colorado.

Benefits in Recovery

I did feel like I was traveling a 1,000 miles an hour as I raced from work to home to where my wife works in order to pick up my daughter’s softball equipment to the softball field then back home and then finally off to the Gamblers Anonymous meeting. This was a whirlwind but in between at my daughter’s softball practice I sat with my son and helped him with his homework. This was certainly the best use of both of our time and also did help to pass the time productively. I did have one eye on the practice since my daughter’s team had a scrimmage with another team. It appears that my daughter’s team has some work to do prior to their first game on Saturday because it could be another long season.

My daughter (in my “unbiased” opinion!) is one of the better if not the best player on her team. She is one of the oldest players on her team at age 11 in the 10 and under league. The cutoff for being 10 was January 1st so my daughter was able to play in this particular league. This is a good thing for her because had she moved up to the 12 and under league she would have been one of the smallest players in the league. Now she in spite of her advanced age is somewhere in the middle of the pack with her diminutive height but her softball skills are well ahead of the girls that are just moving up from the 8 and under league. I think she is going to have a good season and if she continues to practice her pitching she could have an outstanding season. She is quite skilled with her bat and if the opposing pitchers are able to throw her strikes she will get many hits. I don’t have very high expectations for her team because there are many very little girls who are just grasping the concepts of softball. In any event I do hope my daughter continues to have fun.

She certainly had fun out there yesterday during the scrimmage and afterwards as the entire team practiced sliding. I hadn’t seen that much energy in my daughter in such a long time. She was having a good old time in the field and running the bases. This was very exciting to witness and yes, I am so thankful to be able to witness this excitement and I also was able to spend some quality time with my son. We not only worked on his homework together we also played catch afterward having a good time ourselves. I do remember speaking with a very good friend a few years back whose children are a few years older than mine and this friend told me what a joy it was as his children got older. I can see why because the older they get the more satisfying the time seems; this could change as they enter the teenage years but I will savor every moment right now.

The practice ended and I headed home only to go right out to the Speaker’s meeting. It was a very good meeting with two new members in attendance. The Speaker’s meeting is different from the four other meetings in our area. The Speaker’s Meeting is limited to one hour and most everything is abbreviated with the exception of giving the speaker the bulk of the meeting time. I did my best to make the two new members comfortable because I can still vividly remember my first meeting where everything in my life seemed to be swirling in my head. I had several other members come up to me and do their best to make me feel comfortable so I try to do this when there is a new member in the room.

The speaker was very good and I continue to be amazed how well most people who embrace the GA program grow. This particular recently celebrated their 1st birthday with Gamblers Anonymous and I can remember those early meetings. The growth has been tremendous and once again the speaker’s meeting provided great insight into this member. I do hope the new members started to understand the huge benefits of the program and will come back for a second meeting. I am always happy to have attended a meeting and last night was no exception.

The whirlwind afternoon and evening came to an end as I came home last night. I did pretty much “collapsed” when I went to sleep last night and this morning I was awake at the very early morning ready to do it all over again. I was off to the gym and got in a very good workout then it was off to the office. There was a “déjà vu” moment that occurred during the day except this moment unlike the first moment wasn’t filled with angst. Thankfully the angst is something of the past and something recovery has helped me with tremendously. I noticed others in the office were stressing about what was transpiring but I went about my business very calmly. I’m not sure where this will all go but I do know this is so much better than the first moment because everything has changed in my life for the better.

Whirlwind of a Day

My wife asked me if I were going to my meeting last night and although I do my best to regularly attend the Sunday Gamblers Anonymous meeting I told her I was not going. I was not going because tonight would be the Monday Speaker’s Gamblers Anonymous meeting and since it is the 4th Monday of the month it is my turn to Secretary. When I committed to the 6th month term back in December I had forgotten about my children’s softball and baseball activities so I am very thankful to only have 2 meetings per month where I am the Secretary; really anything more would offset that balance I am attempting to reach. Yes, since I was the Secretary tonight I stayed home with my family last night as we watch the Academy Awards.

I was interested in the first 30 minutes but ended on the telephone most of the evening. I continued to be blessed with wonderful friends and I was on the phone with these wonderful friends last night. It is fairly amazing to me that each of these friends was more than a stranger four years ago and two of these friends were strangers less than 2 years ago. Life is magical and I am so grateful for every moment in my life.

Last night I went from conversation to conversation and each was different in every way but all were very good. I spoke with my sponsor and we are back to our weekly conversations. I had hoped to see my sponsor next weekend when I am in Colorado visiting my sister for her 40th birthday but we couldn’t coordinate a convenient time since I am only there for 48 hours. It would have been great to see my sponsor but I am seeing another dear friend who has a very close association with my sponsor. I am looking forward to seeing this dear friend and these connections I continue to make in recovery are extraordinary.

Another conversation I had was with a very dear friend and life is certainly smiling on this friend. Interesting enough I had an earlier conversation with another dear friend where life isn’t being exactly very kind. I spoke with this friend for over an hour and all I could do was to listen. I didn’t have any pearls of wisdom or much of anything to offer other than my ears. I do always hope for the best in my life and in the lives of my dear friends. I know I cannot control anyone other than myself but it is sometimes difficult hearing the tragic stories of my dear friend. I know things will get better but for now all I could do is listen and hope I did some good.

I was very happy to see that the only movie I had seen won the Academy Award for Best Picture; “Slumdog Millionaire.” This was a very good movie and seeing all the characters on stage was very heartwarming but other than that moment I found the production very long. It was somewhat entertaining however I think the entire show can be accomplished in 15 minutes. I am sure the production company nor the networks want a show that only lasts 15 minutes but who knows now that the world is cutting back maybe the long drawn out shows won’t be so long and drawn out.

This morning was the beginning of the work week and just like my previous position with my company I never know what the day will bring. Today I had no idea what would happen and once again I was not disappointed. Before my actual workday commenced I was at the gym very early this morning getting in a workout. I was gearing for a marathon at the end of April but this marathon is actually on a Saturday and having received both my son’s and daughter’s schedules there is a conflict. Both my son and daughter have games. My daughter’s game is well into the afternoon so that isn’t a conflict but my son’s game is in the morning. I would love to have my family at the finish line but I don’t want my son to miss his game. He has missed games in the past and I am leaning to being a bit selfish by competing in the marathon while he misses his game. I have two months to figure it out and for now I will continue training for that particular marathon.

After the very good workout I was headed into work and I swear these days are on warp speed. Yes, I had no idea what the day would bring and yes, I was not disappointed. I have a very “interesting” position and having such a good working relationship with my bosses certainly helps as well. The day passes by and I do wonder if I accomplish those three goals I set for myself in the morning. Sometimes (such as today) those three goals grow into more and thankfully when the dust settles at the end of the day I have something accomplished.

The dust did settle very quickly because today was my wife’s first day in her new job. This meant it was my turn to take my daughter to her softball practice after school. I was able to get out of the office in time to take my daughter to her practice but I forgot to plan properly. Her softball equipment was in my wife’s car so we had to make a detour to my wife’s new office to pick up the equipment. Thankfully it wasn’t too far out of the way and my daughter was only a few minutes late for her practice. I’m not sure where the time went when I left the office to the time I got home from the Monday Gamblers Anonymous Speaker’s meeting, this had to be the fastest 4 hour block in history!!

Super "Date" Night

Yes, my wife and I had a “date” night last night. Our daughter was invited to a sleepover birthday party and my wife made arrangements for my son to go over to a friend’s house for the evening. He wasn’t scheduled to sleepover but later on in the evening my wife received a phone call asking if our son could stay the night. This meant we were kid-less for the next 15 hours. We did take advantage with an adult date night for the first time in awhile. Our Valentines’ Day didn’t exactly turn out how either one of us would have like but last night did make up for Valentines’ Day.

We decided to take in a movie and we were trying to coordinate a dinner and a movie and being able to pick up our son at a reasonable time. However; when we received the news he would be spending the night there was no need to rush. We went to see “Slumdog Millionaire” to see what all the hype was about. My wife always wants to see all the movies nominated for the Best Picture but I don’t know when the last year she actually accomplished this was. We haven’t seen any of the movies nominated for Best Picture and I was surprised most of those movies weren’t showing at our local movie theaters. “Slumdog Millionaire” was showing and of all the movies this one piqued my interest the most. Another movie we were thinking about seeing “The Wrestler” but we did decide on “Slumdog Millionaire”.

I was not disappointed in the movie and this was one of the best movies I have seen in a very long time. I thought everything about the movie was excellent from the cinematography to the acting. I also thought the storyline was very intriguing and I am not sure how any could NOT like this movie. Yes, there were some difficult seems but there were some uplifting scenes. I was captivated in the first 30 minutes where the slums of Mumbai were featured and I thank God I live in the United States. Yes, I know the economy is tanking and there is so much uncertainty in this world but living in the United States is a privilege an honor compared to those slums. India may not consider itself a third world country but in this film I couldn’t help but to think of it as a third world country. Yes, I was very impressed with the movie and I can see why it was selected as the film of the year.

My wife did like the movie but I don’t believe she liked the movie as much as I did. I think her expectations were a little too high and the film didn’t meet those expectations. I expected the movie to be good and those expectations were met and then some. We talked about the movie while we had a very nice dinner at a nearby restaurant. Our local mall is putting in a P.F. Changs which won’t be open for at least another month. I have written about this restaurant before and it was funny because my boss was telling me the other day that he doesn’t like P.F. Changs; I guess different strokes for different folks. I like P.F. Changs because I actually have an option which doesn’t really happen too often. Last night we went to the California Pizza Kitchen and had a very nice appetizer of hummus followed by some pizza.

The evening was wonderful it was equally as wonderful to be with just my wife for the evening. We don’t get to do this often enough and I have heard that married couples need to schedule a date night to keep the marriage fresh. I can see why “date” night does help to keep things fresh and hopefully we can do this at least once a month as we go forward. My wife is a great person and we don’t have that alone time to discuss just us, everything seems to center on the children but in a few years (I know this is down the road but as fast as time goes that time will pass very quickly) it will be just us again. I do love my wife tremendously and spending an evening and a little part of this morning was a wonderful medicine.

We even snuck in some frozen yogurt from our favorite self serve yogurt place on our way home. As we came home instead of retiring to bed we watched the last installment of “Heroes” and I have no idea of what to make or this program. This capped off a wonderful evening and this morning with no children in the house we “slept in” and continued our ritual of watching the CBS “Sunday Morning” program. This was a wonderful start to a very relaxing day at home. Tomorrow my wife starts her new job and I start running here and there with the children. My daughter has softball practice and thankfully I do have flexibility at work so I can run my daughter to softball practice on Mondays and Thursdays. My wife did this for almost two years so in the next few months it will be my pleasure to be “Softball Dad”.

Action Packed Saturdays

The joys of Saturdays during the baseball and softball seasons; the fun commences today and runs for the next few months. I do need to find another gym that opens earlier than the gym I am currently attended because these Saturdays are packed filled with the children’s activities. This morning I had enough time for the workout before all the activities. I was out the door as everyone was still sleeping as I headed to the gym. I had a great workout and this was the first “official” run of the new marathon training regime.

I had a 14 mile run that I ran the first 7 miles much slower than the last 7 miles. This is something I intend on doing all throughout the training program because it was those ladder stages where I failed to “finish” the race. Yes, it was only a 14 mile run and there are times where I wonder how I have finished all those marathons but today was one of those good days. I was humming along and that “rhythm” was there all throughout the run.

I returned home and since my son and daughter had practice at the same time my wife took my daughter while I took my son. This was the routine in the fall as I helped coach my son’s baseball team. I had hoped to help out with my daughter’s team but as I mentioned before her team is well stocked with coaches so I went with my son to his practice. I thought I would help out with his team but his team is also well stocked with coaches. I’m not sure if I liked the fact of just being a spectator but with my new position it would be very difficult for me to be at the practices during the week. It only makes sense for the coaches who volunteered to take the lead while I learn how to be a spectator.

I was a spectator for the practice and I was quite impressed with the practice. The coaches had the boys engaged the entire time and from what I saw there are kids who know what they are doing. The coach was hitting ground balls to the boys and these weren’t easy ground balls and player after player came up with the ground balls. This was very cool and it should be a very exciting season. My son did don the catcher’s gear and he helped warm up the players who wanted to try their hand at pitching. He caught the five players and my son had his own assessment of those players telling me that two of them were “really good!” This is his first season catching for a regular pitcher as opposed to the pitching machine. He seems to like the kid pitch since the kids don’t throw as hard as the machine. My son did very well and he is still excited to be a catcher.

The practice was over but my son’s day on the field wasn’t over. He went from the baseball diamond to the football field for his last game of the flag football game of the season. The season has been cut short with all the rain we have had over the past month. There is one more official game next Saturday but that is opening day for the baseball season. He will be at the opening day and unfortunately I won’t be in attendance as I will be in Colorado visiting with my sister as she celebrates her 40th birthday along with seeing my mother and older sister. I am happy to be going next weekend but sad to miss opening day for both my daughter and son’s teams. I do know that there will be many more games over the next few months and my sister only turns 40 once. It will be a great weekend all around and today was a great start to the weekend.

My son’s football game didn’t go too well for his team. My son made a few nice plays but didn’t score any touchdowns. His team only scored one touchdown and has had a tough season. My son does love running around and I know he wanted to score another touchdown. This will have to wait until next year as he turns his sights on baseball. The football game was winding down as my wife and daughter arrived after my daughter’s softball practice. She had a good practice and the busy Saturday on the fields was coming to an end. The rest of the day was filled with relaxation and a “date” for my wife and me. The “date” night was great and I will write more on that tomorrow.

More "Angry" Dad

Today is the “official” end of the work week and I wouldn’t be completely truthful if I didn’t say I was looking forward to Friday. I am very ready for Friday and this week has gone by so quickly like one of those proverbial “blinks of an eye”. This new routine does add to the quickness of the week and much like all the other jobs I have had in my career there is rhythm of the week. The week builds slowly and hits its crescendo on Thursday while Friday is sort of anticlimactic. Yes, the week hit that crescendo yesterday and today was one of those days where the week needed to end. Before all the “fun” transpired I was in the gym very early and I felt great having taken yesterday off. I wish I would know when I would feel great while running as well as knowing when I don’t feel great. Today was one of those days where I felt great and could have run forever.

I like days like today where running is effortless and even though it was only a 7 mile run I did feel good. The positive side for me is the fact that in spite of feeling good I stayed with my training program only running the 7 miles. I have my sights set on another marathon and that next marathon is all predicated on my children’s softball and baseball schedules. Life is truly wonderful when I want to schedule around my children’s activities. This is a great change in my life all thanks to recovery. I used to think about myself first but thankfully those days are in the past and having my family with me means everything. Yes, all is coming together quite nicely and if I ever complain about anything I need to be reprimanded!!!

The day went along and I was hoping to care of some personal matters during the day but I didn’t quite get to those personal matters. These will have to wait until next week because I was tending to work matters. It seems in the past there was more time in the day I know that is not the case which is why I need to be more efficient. I have always been into efficiency but that really has been only in “theory”. My practice of this hasn’t been so good and it is something I certainly need to work on. There are distractions everyday and having those goals I set for myself each day does help. I need to stay consistent with this approach and will continue one day at a time.

The day was over and so was the work week. I arrived home and had a very funny conversation with my son. We were talking about one of his friends and the prospect of my son going over to this friend’s house. My son asked me (I’m not quite sure where the question came from) if this friend’s father was “angry” like me. I thought that was a peculiar and funny question. I never thought of myself as an “angry” but apparently my son does! I thought about it awhile and realized I do have a stern side that can be misconstrued as angry especially to an 8 year old.

We then talked about my angry and how my son and my daughter are “afraid” of me. I don’t want this to come across wrong because when they say they are “afraid” of me I believe they aren’t really afraid in the sense of being scared of me rather they are afraid to hear my “scary” voice. I have always used voice inflection with my children and it usually gets my point across. I really don’t mind the fact that they are “afraid” of me because the fact that they are saying this to me means something. I am fairly certain I got this from both of my parents who do have those stern moments over my childhood. My mother was a schoolteacher for over 34 years and I remember visiting her classroom and witnessing these stern moments often. My father never yelled but when he was upset it was very clear. I have taken the best of both of them and hopefully it is working with my children.

I did think it was very funny to have this conversation with my son and a few minutes with my daughter. She agreed with her brother’s assessment of me and I guess when they stop being afraid of me is when the problems will start. I do hope to keep the lines of communication open with both my children and as they get older (my goodness my daughter is now 11 years old) I know this will become increasingly difficult. They are very good children and it is a pleasure watching them grow and I love those “interesting” conversations. I am blessed and I love them so very much!

Complicated is OK

I have been thinking about when I should take my day off from the gym; the training program suggests Fridays but I have been thinking about switching this to Thursday. This is what I did this morning as I turned off the alarm before it went off and yes; I seem to do this every morning as my body wakes up naturally well before the alarm is set to go off. I was tired and I also reaped the benefit of my son’s early morning arrival. This is so cool as he climbs between my wife and me and snuggles for an hour. He is so loveable and I do miss his arrivals. I do have the honor of his presence once during the week and once on the weekends. I don’t know how long this will last and it is imperative for me to enjoy it for as long as it lasts; and this morning was very enjoyable.

My daughter was awake very early this morning as her incentive was to study for test she had later today. Of course with an incentive she was awake well before she nearly does. She is sometimes a conundrum of sorts because most days dragging her out of bed is the norm than there are days such as today where she is awake and ready go without any incident whatsoever. She is well aware of these facts yet the conundrum will continue most likely tomorrow when there isn’t any incentive. It was wonderful seeing her awake, all studied and ready to go. I even prepared her breakfast as I was departing for the office.

This was a very good morning and my body did welcome the day of rest. Next week my wife will be working on Monday and Thursday so those days will be a bit more complicated. My daughter has softball practice on those days so it is my responsibility to get her to practice on those days. It really is only next week since her games commence the following week and our schedules will adjust accordingly. I did have a fleeting thought early in the week that my wife shouldn’t start her new job but that isn’t fair and I need to pick up the slack. My wife has done an incredible job over the past few years balancing everything all by herself and the least I can do is ensure I depart work on the days my daughter needs to get to softball practice or a game.

I realize in the past I didn’t want to do this for fear of jeopardizing my job. I don’t believe this will jeopardize my job because I will put in the necessary time needed to perform my job properly. It really isn’t about the amount of time but the quality of the time. If I can’t get my job done and help out with my family I shouldn’t be doing my job. I do have bosses who all have families and although their children are much younger they do understand the importance of family life. If they didn’t understand this I wouldn’t be working here.

The days go by so quickly and I now set goals for myself each day. Today I was very fortunate to complete these goals in spite of the many distractions. I have a full plate of goals but thankfully in recovery the only way to live life is one day at a time and this is how I approach most anything in my life. It is so much better to achieve these goals working through a process than in the past where I was all over the place. I am no longer all over the place and more focused than I have ever been and this should translate to me being a much more productive.

This evening my daughter had softball practice and my son had baseball practice. My wife took my daughter to practice and I took my son to his very late batting cage practice. We met his new team the Padres and judging by the kids who showed up for the practice it appears to be a very good team. Most all of the kids seemed to know what they were doing so it should be an interesting season. It will also be interesting to see how the “Kid Pitch” league works since my son was on the “Machine Pitch” league last season. These are 7 and 8 year old boys who may not be the most accurate of pitchers but the rules are conducive to speed the game along. There aren’t any walks and if a batter gets four balls the Coach comes out and throws two pitches. If the batter fails to hit those two pitches he is out so it will be very interesting to see how this season transpires.

Land of "Fruits and Nuts"

The weather hasn’t been so nice over the past week but today all the rain finally cleared out and it was beautiful. I didn’t get to “enjoy” much of the good weather since my new position keeps me indoors much of the day. I do have an office with several windows but there isn’t much of view as I overlook the parking lot. I must say this is a much better view than I have had most of my career. Most of my career has been in the gaming industry and there aren’t ANY windows in those buildings (yes, this is done by designed) so I do welcome the sunlight.

My day does start before the sun rises and over the past few days I have been waking up later and later. I am adjusting my morning workout routine and it is hard to imagine I used to spend three hours in the gym before going to work. I am down to two hours which is must better and I do realize that I can abbreviate my workout if the need arises. In years past I would “have to” workout for those three hours or I just wouldn’t do it. Thankfully I am not nearly as militant as the past and this is much more conducive to the “balance” I am trying to accomplish in my life.

I had a very good workout this morning and yes, since it is Wednesday this means the high intensity day. I did burn myself out during my last round of training for a marathon with the super high intensity sessions. I have scaled back and I felt so much better today than I have in the past few months. I have noticed that my hip is feeling a little “odd” and it isn’t really sore as it is uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable to the point of being in pain I just notice something different. I will monitor this as the training gets more intense.

It was off to work from the gym and yes, another “adventurous” day ensued. I don’t like leaving the office for lunch so I have packed a protein bar along with an orange for lunch. I do need to get more sustenance and I will bring in my lunch from now on. Also; I was on a protein shake kick for breakfast but have stopped since I started my new position. I may bring in my “Magic Bullet” (mini blender which works wonderfully) to make the protein shake but I didn’t want to alarm the folks in the office with my “weird” ways all at once.

I do remember early on in my career starting a new job and my first day of worked there was a birthday celebration complete with birthday cake. I did take a piece of the birthday cake and I didn’t want to seem “weird” so I ate a few bites. I felt very strange after eating that cake and I would have been better off saying “no, thank you” since everyone noticed I wasn’t feeling very well after eating the cake. I am a bit strange, okay I am really strange when it comes to eating habits but I do believe a little at time in a new environment Is the best course of action.

I am very up front with my eating habits and have turned down the chicken burrito for lunch explaining my vegetarian status which isn’t so unusual in this day and age especially out here in the land of “fruits and nuts!” Speaking of fruits and nuts our esteemed legislators think the best way to overcome a humongous deficit is to tax the good people of California; my political leanings are more to the “left” as opposed to the “right” but this thinking is absurd and in my opinion (for what it is worth) this can only lead to more disastrous results. I don’t understand what they are thinking because having less money to spend is not exactly stimulating for any economy.

This evening I had a very nice email discussion with my son’s baseball coach. The rain had washed out a few of the practices and the local batting cages have been booked solid. I have become friends with someone who owns one of these batting cages and I tried to secure a reservation but could only come up with a time tomorrow well into the evening. I suggested to the coach that the team needed to get together since the first game is a week from Saturday. The coach agreed and the practice was scheduled for late in the evening tomorrow.

It appears I won’t be assisting my daughter’s softball team because they have enough assistance but I may volunteer for my son’s team of course depending on the other parent’s involvement. I have become very busy with work and as one of my bosses told me today, “welcome to management” but I do need to maintain that balance because I love being involved with my children’s lives and I know that time goes by so fast. They won’t be this age for long and yes, they will have their own lives someday but for today I will continue to do my very best.

Life What it Should Be

The days are flying by and really that is an understatement. Last night I posted on Facebook my status which read “Paul is wondering how to maintain the “balance” in life”. I received many comments from my “friends” and the main theme of the comment was all the same which stated, “When you find out let me know!” It was easier to ponder my life when I was away for those 19 ½ months because life wasn’t moving fast. Now out here in the real world life does come at me fast and these are the critical times where I am grateful for recovery.

I have had several opportunities in my life to address my compulsive gambling addiction but thought I could do it my way. My way didn’t work out so well and thankfully everything continues to work out for the very best and I am finding a life without gambling is so much better than the previous life. I must say that I like being so busy there isn’t time to think about my compulsive gambling addiction but I do know that this addiction is mine for life. I must stay diligent and as life continues to move by at warp speed I am very mindful where I have come from and where I am today. My sponsor put it best when we spoke on Sunday evening; my sponsor told me I could fall face first in a pile of manure and come out smelling like a rose!! Yes, this does seem to be the case but we both agreed it is all thanks to recovery that I smell like a rose.

I have had my share of good fortune in the past and really in spite of my misdeeds my life has been surrounded with good fortune. I never really understood the good fortune and fell into a period of entitlement which ultimately led me to those horrible misdeeds. Once again thankfully recovery continues to keep me focused on today and doing the right things. As long as I continue to do the right things and as long as I continue to be positive life is wonderful. This is truly the Law of Attraction as I firmly believe (and so does my Mother!) what I send out to the universe is exactly what I get back. I sent out negative energy for a dismal two year period and I paid for my negative energy by being without my family for two years. Now positive energy is an integral part of my recovery and positive events continue to transpire.

There was some controversy last night as grandma was going to the airport for her return trip back to New Jersey. My daughter’s softball practice ran late and my son had been promised something which had to be delayed. My daughter wanted to join my wife for the drive to the airport with grandma and that looked doubtful. However; all went well as my daughter got home in time to go to the airport. However; my son had a dilemma which was rectified and he went from miserable to happy in an instant. My son is very interesting when it comes to things that are said to him and he ensures these are always carried out. Once again he did get his way and was back to his old self as the “boys” got dinner and some frozen yogurt while the “girls” went to the airport.

This morning I was back at the early morning routine. I was at the gym very early and had an excellent workout. A very good friend attends the gym at this early hour as well and I have been helping this friend with a project. There was more to do on the project and gladly told my friend that I would be available after work. It is so strange how things go full circle and this project is very interesting considering the parties involved. I am interested to see the outcome but that seems to be a ways away so in the meantime I will continue to assist in any way possible.

Work was once again very good and I am finding it difficult to accomplish even the smallest task when I get pulled in every direction. I am so grateful for this opportunity and I do get a second chance to finally function without my personal albatross my compulsive gambling addiction. I always wondered what it would be like if I didn’t have the compulsive gambling addiction consuming my life. Yes, I get that opportunity and it is amazing how much clearer my head is without all that extraneous stuff. My boss used a gambling metaphor to describe my lot in life and although the metaphor was exactly right I understood the meaning. The meaning had to do with getting that second chance and making the most of the opportunity. This is what I have hoped for and by God it is all coming true all thanks to recovery!!

Happy Birthday Dad, I love you!!

All Things Coming Together

The wonderful celebration came to an end and in a flash with many members helping out the room was cleaned in no time. We had time limit on how long we could be in the room and had to be out in time for another 12 step group meeting. I was a bit concerned we would be out in time but the people who led the meeting did a great job ending the meeting on time. Our group does have a tendency to have long meetings and it isn’t surprising when a meeting goes 2 hours with only a handful in attendance. This is why it was almost remarkable to get through 52 people in 2 hours without any problems. It is part of the fellowship to help out in the meetings and this was evident in the beginning and ends of the meeting last night as many people brought food and did help in cleaning up as the meeting ended.

I made my way home after the meeting and spoke with my sponsor on the way home. My sponsor has been an integral member of our special Gamblers Anonymous group through the years and even though my sponsor no longer resides in the area his name was mentioned several times during the meeting last night. I continue to learn so much from my sponsor and he certainly has left a legacy in this area. It is always good to speak with my sponsor and because life moves so quickly we don’t speak as much as we did in the past. I do my best to make it a point to speak with him on a weekly basis but there are some weeks that go by where we don’t connect. Thankfully we connected last night and I do owe my sponsor so much as he continues to teach me the way to live life with a positive purpose through recovery.

The rest of the night went by quickly and before I realized it I was waking up to start the work week. This would be my first full week in the office and started like I ended last week as I woke up before the dawn and made my way to the gym. I have come up with a plan in running another marathon and I am putting the triathlon on the back burner. All of this is dependent on the baseball and softball schedules but if I can I would like to run that local marathon at the end of April followed by the San Diego Rock n’ Roll Marathon one month later.

This is the most aggressive plan I have come up with ever and hopefully all goes well I will qualify for that Boston Marathon. Today was day number one of the official training program and I have scaled back my intensity for this particular marathon. I need to make some adjustments to my training program and my deficiency is in the very late stages of the 26.2 miles. I seem to fade at the same rate no matter how fast or slow I run the first 23 miles. It is those last 3 miles I need to concentrate on and this does come with training. Hopefully I can make the necessary adjustments and complete my goal in the next few months.

I had a very good workout in the morning and yes, the same faces are still in the gym. I have been going to this gym since 2001 and there aren’t many new faces since then. I did have a 19 month “hiatus” but those folks are still there and this is what I would call consistent. I found out that my current membership expires on March 14th and I am seriously considering switching gyms. I do want to start training for triathlons and this would require me attending another gym. I do have a very inexpensive renewal rate but I think it is time to move on. I am very comfortable with my current gym but I do need to step out of my comfort zone and I will move on. I only hope that I can obtain a reasonable rate when I do join the new gym.

I made my way into the office and it was quite a day. The person I am replacing was kind enough to come in and show me where things were in spite of having lost their job on Friday. This could have been very awkward but it wasn’t. This person took it very well and like most things in life did happen for a reason. This person is going back to school and the layoff did fit into their plans. There didn’t appear to be any ill feelings on their part and I certainly had no ill feelings as well. The morning was filled with how the operation function and I quickly understood I have a great deal of work ahead of me. It is so interesting how everything works out and full circle does come to mind as I approach one year after being released. Life is indeed incredible!!

Miracles and Amazement

This morning was sort of the typical Sunday Morning with a bit of a twist. Since getting back on my old early morning routine I didn’t feel like sleeping in this morning. Also; coupled with the fact that our guest pooch was scratching to go outside early this morning I was awake well before everyone else in the house. I did take the pooch outside and fed him along with a “play” session. I then went inside and messed around on the computer but did decide to go back upstairs. I was able to have a very nice conversation with my wife and I was implored to watch the CBS Sunday Morning Program. After an hour of the show everyone else in the house was rising. We did make our way downstairs to start the Sunday morning breakfast ritual.

The requested meal this morning was waffles and I was happy to be the short order cook!! Grandma took the morning off and waffles were made for everyone. The children went with the plain waffles with whip cream while the adults had the waffle with strawberries and they were incredibly delicious. With breakfast finished my daughter needed to do some schoolwork and my son needed to work on his religion homework. It was fortunate for my son that there was a resident religion scholar in the house this morning as grandma assisted with the religious homework. My daughter complained about her schoolwork but after griping for awhile she did complete the work.

It was a bad week in school for my daughter as she earned her first C in math on Thursday. She is so hard on herself and has been beating herself up all weekend. She is so concerned she will be placed in the lower math class and I did my best to put those crazy thoughts to rest. She also thought I was going to yell at her for getting the C and I had to remind her that I have never yelled at her ever regarding her test scores. I know she does her best and I would be doing her a disservice if I yelled at her for that reason. Believe it or not I do yell at my daughter but it has nothing to do with test scores it has to do with her attitude toward her mother. I don’t really want to see what happens when my daughter is a fully fledged teenager because those will be real battles between mother and daughter. I will have to put on my referee uniform for those years since that will be very necessary. Anyhow my daughter is a great person and I know she will be great in both inside and outside of the classroom.

My son and I went in the backyard and had a nice game of fetch with our guest pooch. My son was so good with our guest and it is so interesting because my daughter has been campaigning for a dog yet she was nowhere to be seen. My son was more interested in the dog and has since started his own campaign for a dog. I would like to get a dog but my wife has never had a dog in her life and isn’t a dog person. Her idea of having a dog consists of keeping the dog outside all the time. I don’t really agree with this theory and would like to have the dog in the house at some point so we have a way to go in order to reach some type of compromise. My son and I will take this one day at a time and I surmise this will work out as the days go by.

The playtime with our pooch guest was over and we settled inside for a bit. My wife and grandma were out shopping for some bonding time and the rest of us were at home. I was waiting for them to return so I could attend a very special Gamblers Anonymous birthday celebrations. I say “celebrations” because there were five celebrants; two dear friends were celebrating 7 years in the program, another member 5 years, another member 2 years and the final member 1 year. I don’t remember the last time our special GA group had 5 celebrants and it was indeed very special. We had to have the meeting at a room big enough for all the attendees and I was asked to see if the meeting room at my company was available. Yes, it was available and thankfully we had enough seats for the 52 attendees.

The meeting went very well and this was so special to see the one year celebrant to the pillars of our group celebrating 7 years. The one year celebrant had several family members attend and this is so cool because the program does work miracles. In addition to the celebrants there was a brand new member in attendance. I had the opportunity to invite this person into the room because they were walking away when they saw the very large meeting. Hopefully this person will come back and experience those miracles in the program since it does change lives for the better. My life has changed for the better and even though I still have those character flaws one very big flaw continues to be corrected as I live my life with openness and honesty. This is the cornerstone of my recovery and I am forever grateful to find such an amazing program!!

Happy(?) St. Valentines' Day 2009

The family has been enjoying Grandma’s visit and enjoyed their day off from school. Grandma came in on Wednesday which was my daughter’s birthday and is here until Monday. The children have off from school today and on Monday so they get to spend extra time with Grandma. They spent the bulk of yesterday shopping for their birthday presents and as any Grandma does they did get what they wanted. I came home from work to see my daughter rollerblading around the house in her new roller blades and my son to be standing on his new skateboard. They were extremely happy with their gifts and I think my daughter went to sleep in her new rollerblades!!!

The weather has not been very good this week and I think there is a conspiracy against my son and his flag football games. Last week it rained and this week it rained again cancelling his game. This took care of the conflict between my daughter’s softball practice and my son’s flag football game. My daughter did have practice but it was very early this morning which didn’t make her very happy. She didn’t want to make her way to practice since it was earlier than she normally goes to school during the week. I talked her actually I directed her that she was going to practice and she did. This was the second time I had to direct her to go to practice as was the case on Thursday.

My daughter didn’t want to go but I pointed out to her that she would be fine and would actually have a good time at practice. After practice was over she said to me in a very shy way I did have a good time at practice and I am happy I went. This does mean a great deal to me because there is a balance I try to achieve in dealing with my children. I want them to make their own decisions because soon they will be of age when they will make their own decisions but there are times where I need to exert parent authority and it is so nice when they recognize this parental authority is in their best interest.

This morning I was up very early and we are dog sitting for a very good friend. It is great to have a dog and even though my wife is certainly not a dog person she was willing to help out this friend. I took the dog outside this morning and played a little fetch before my daughter was ready to go. We were off to the batting cages for my daughter’s softball practice. It is wonderful to be back in the swing of things and I saw a couple people I have met in the past few years at the batting cages. One is the owner of the batting cages who has developed into a very good friend. The other people were parents of boy on my son’s fall baseball team who had asked me if I were coaching again this season. I told them I am not coaching my son’s team but helping out with my daughter’s softball team.

My daughter’s softball team seems to have a plethora of coaches and my involvement will be minimal; however; I did get the partners at work to agree to sponsor the softball team which is great. At least I can volunteer my company as a sponsor and if the regular scorekeeper can’t make a game I am the back-up. I may not be involved as a coach like I was with my son’s team but watching my daughter is well worth anything. She has such heart and is such a competitor. She is quite the player in spite of her diminutive stature. She can hit the ball and has a great arm. She does need practice pitching and it appears she has the right coaches to guide her in this area. It should be a very interesting spring softball season.

The practice was over and we made our way home. Since the gym doesn’t open early enough on the weekends I had to postpone my workout until after the softball practice. I did get in a workout and made a decision to run the marathon at the end of April. I do need to see the softball and baseball schedule before ultimately committing but this is what I would like to do. I had a good workout but had to cut off the last few miles because I needed to help a friend with something this afternoon. This is a very dear friend who I continue to help over a very ironic situation. This friend internalizes everything and I do hope everything works out. While I was on my way to my friend’s house I had a conversation with my wife about what we were doing the rest of the day which so happens to be St. Valentines’ Day. We had an “interesting” discussion and later on during the day we did decide the best course of action. This was the best course of action for all parties and we had a very nice family Valentines’ Day dinner at the Souplantation.

Not Afraid of Friday the 13th

Whether it is the “Power of Intention” or the “Law of Attraction” I find both theories well at work in my life. I do have intentions that are sometimes deep down in my subconscious which seem to attract positive outcomes. I was a voracious reader as I served my sentence and read Dr. Wayne Dyer’s “The Power of Intention” along with Rhonda Byrnes’ “The Secret”. I enjoyed both books but seemed to get more out of the deeper “The Power of Intention”. Now I am no longer a voracious or for that matter no longer much of a reader. My reading is confined to news on the internet and the various magazines I receive. I did pick up a John Grisham book this week which is a nonfiction work and have started. I am sure I will be reading this awhile because those days where I could polish off a book in a few hours are gone and that is not a bad thing!!

My original point in that last paragraph got a bit lost so to get back on track I need to state that intentions and attractions are one in the same. My intentions attract what they are seeking and this can be good and can be bad. My misdeeds certainly attracted the bad but now in recovery and with life going so well my intentions are positive and attract those positive outcomes. I really can’t quantify how this is all happening because there are certainly “Other” forces at work. These “Other” forces can be construed as a Higher Power and yes, I do believe my Higher Power does figure in all of this both good and bad. It is easy to blame the Higher Power for the negative and for me to take credit for the positive but thankfully through recovery there is no blame nor any credit on my part; everything does point to a Reason and this is very good.

Yesterday was one of those very fast days and I got accustomed to my new position. Yes, I have missed an office in environment and for the first time in a very long time I actually share an office with one of the partners. I know in the recent past I would have hated this arranged but now I welcome this wholeheartedly. When I started my career over 20 years ago I had shared offices but as I worked my “up” the corporate ladder I didn’t have to share an office anymore. I got to a point where if there was a hint of having to share an office or being in an “open” area I would cringe. Obviously I didn’t want to be in that type of atmosphere but now thankfully the hiding and the denial are a thing of the past. It was actually very good to have someone in the office with me and having nothing to hide really does go a very long way.

This morning the new normal routine kicked in and I was out the door before the sun rose. I went to the gym for a very good workout prior to going to work and today was very much like yesterday. This is something interesting happening with the partners at work. I have a great relationship with the two managing partners and I could not have asked for better bosses. This is one minor partner who is not exactly enamored with me being in the office and I suspect this has little to do with me per se and more to do with the other partners. I have been around long enough to not take anything personally especially when it comes to business. I don’t take this personally and I have no idea where all this will lead but I do know that I will continue to do my very best and know everything will work out for the very best no matter what transpires.

I did end up staying much later than I had anticipated at the office because I was talking with my office mate who is also the managing partner of the company. It really is amazing how everything that my life is moving along and how one decision has changed my life for the better. Almost four years ago I entered the Gamblers Anonymous Program and my life has been enriched ever since. The partners in the company are not associated with the GA Program but if I didn’t enter the program I know I wouldn’t have this opportunity and God knows where I would be. I must reiterate that it is so much better to live open and honest. My core personality may not have changed over these past four years but living in the here and now with honest and openness makes life so much better.

Newest Form of Normal

I’m not sure how I should start this passage because the words; “and so it begins” come to mind along with a whole host of other words. It did begin really yesterday with the day’s events and it is amazing how I never know where the week much less the day will go. Yesterday it was a day that brought my daughter to her 11th year and me potentially a new chapter in my life. When I was released from prison nearly one year ago I was extremely fortunate to have a job within three days of my release. That particular job didn’t pan out that well but has led me to where I am today. All things do happen for a reason and there is a clear sign that there is a Grand plan at work in my life. I can “connect” those “dots” but I think I have done that already so today it began very early with my new routine.

I am a creature of routines some bad and some good. The bad were very bad and now the good is excellent. I became a hostage to my bad routine in my compulsive gambling addiction and now I have been freed through recovery. I cannot understate this fact enough because no matter where my misdeeds took me I was not and I am not a bad person. I realize that there are many people who may agree and disagree with that last sentence but ultimately what anyone other than myself thinks of me is NONE of my business. I do prescribe to this theory in the positive sense because as long as my actions lead to a positive purpose I know I am on the right track.

This right track did take a turn for the even better yesterday and today was the first day of that new chapter. I admit I have been given a second chance with everything in life which starts and ends with my family. Now this second chance extends its scope even further. I had no idea if I would ever be in a similar position than I was in the past in the sense of my career. However; through recovery and again a series of very fortunate events I am back on that path. It is interesting because in the past four years ever since I entered recovery things turned into a “new normal” and this morning as I awoke before the dawn I embrace even a newer normal.

Once again I am a creature of routine and can adapt to just about any situation. I did adapt to life in prison and made the best of those 19 ½ months and I think it was all for the best. I do have an open mind all thanks to recovery and if I ever complain about anything I should be smacked in the face!! Life is so precious and is meant to be lived one moment at a time. These moments will lead to a lifetime and at the end of that lifetime there will be some regrets but as long as I stay focused in recovery there will be many more blessings than regrets. I do have many more blessings in my life than regrets and having a second chance with these blessings helps tremendously. Wow; my life is indeed incredible through and through.

This morning I started this new routine getting up in the wee hours of the morning so I can get in a workout before I go into the office. Yes, I am back in an office setting and I realized over the past few months that I do operate much better with this formal type setting. I enjoy getting up early and getting to the gym as opposed to sleeping later and having the day start later. I prefer being tired early on in the evening and falling asleep when my head hits the pillow. This routine got me through most of that 19 ½ months and over the past few months I lost that routine. Now this morning this routine is back and in full force.

I did get in a very good workout and I am still struggling with what I am going to do next in terms of either participating in a triathlon or marathon. There is a marathon at the end of April that is local and looks fairly flat with a very scenic 26.2 miles. I am seriously considering this marathon along with running the San Diego Rock n’ Roll marathon at the end of May. If I were to run the marathon at the end of marathon I would only have one month to prepare for the San Diego Rock n’ Roll marathon. I have never been that aggressive in running marathons but the San Diego marathon is a family event and hopefully I can run a 3 hour and 20 minute marathon at the end of April so I can take “easy” at the end of May while running that particular marathon. The only minor issue is that the marathon at the end of April is on a Saturday and with all the children’s activities I do need to see a schedule before I can commit. The baseball and softball schedules should come out in a few weeks and I will make my decision accordingly.

The workout was over and I was headed into the office for my first “formal” day of work. The office is very close and I have virtually no commute. The gym is 2 miles from my house and the office is 2 miles from the gym; everything is very close and convenient. I did arrive at the office and it was a very good day. I received some very good news which did take me by surprise. I do believe the “Law of Attraction” does work very well and I am very grateful.

Eleven on the 11th!!!

As the date changed my daughter went from 10 years old to 11 years old. I cannot believe it has been 11 years to the day when my daughter came into this world. It does seem like yesterday when I saw her big blue beautiful eyes for the first time. That moment has forever been etched in my memory and I can still vividly see my wife’s doctor take this beautiful bundle of joy and pass her to my wife. I swear my eyes met with my daughter’s eyes when she was just seconds old and I just melted. I didn’t have a clue what unconditional love was but at that very moment I quickly learned.

I would do anything for both of my children and yes, I do hate the fact that I missed two years of their lives but today I know I am with them and I am doing my best to make the most of each and every day. I had taken my son to breakfast on his birthday three days ago and I made the same offer to my daughter. It was just my son and I on Sunday and I thought it would be great if it were just my daughter and me today. I wasn’t sure if my daughter would accept since today is a school day and she would have to wake up very early in order to go out for breakfast. I was extremely happy to hear my daughter accept and more than happy to see her this morning awake and ready to go much earlier than she wakes up on a school day. In fact my daughter even had time to shower prior to our going out to breakfast.

I greeted her in the hall and yes, it was unlike most mornings she greeted me with a wry smile. It is very apparent my daughter is more than capable to get up when she “wants” to and apparently she needs an incentive. I was very happy to provide this incentive and it was great spending the early morning with my now 11 year old daughter. My daughter chose the International House of Pancakes or more commonly known as the IHOP. This is her favorite restaurant for breakfast and unlike Denny’s on Sunday the IHOP was sparsely populated. My daughter ordered the happy face pancakes along with a hot chocolate. Yes, winter has returned to Southern California as this morning it was below freezing.

The birthday breakfast was great and we talked. I think this will become a tradition where I take out each of my children for breakfast on their birthdays as long as they are willing. My daughter was willing just as my son was willing on Sunday. Each breakfast was wonderful and it is equally as wonderful to have great conversations with my children on an individual basis. My daughter is turning into a woman and has a great head on her shoulders. She is consciousness, intelligent, beautiful, fun and overall a great kid!! I love her so much and yes, I would do anything for her. I am beyond blessed to be able to have a second chance with my family and today was one very special day.

The early morning birthday breakfast had ended and we had enough time to go home prior to my son departing for school. I did take them to school because my wife would be bringing in the birthday donuts later in the day and would walk home with them along with Grandma who was due to arrive this afternoon as well. I went about my day after dropping them off and I decided to take the day off from working out. It was a good thing I didn’t work out because I got a work out from work!! It was one of those days where one item consumed the day. I won’t go into the long drawn out story but I will say things happen for a reason and once again I saw this firsthand.

I spent the entire afternoon on the telephone trying to rectify a problem well beyond my control. The “Serenity Prayer” did come in handy and I had to express this sentiment to the partners at my company. The issue didn’t get resolved in the timely manner I had hoped but as things go everything did work out very well. I somehow got a promotion through this almost catastrophic event. The days of me working out of my home has ended and I realized a few weeks ago that I needed to go into an office for me to be efficient. I did get my “wish” and unfortunately this has come at someone else’s expense but again everything does happen for a reason and I believe everything will work out for all interested parties. It was an interesting day and the best part came early on when I was with my daughter for her birthday breakfast because life is all about family and my family is magnificent.

Problem Gambling May Rise As Economy Falls

I forgot to post this article when it came out a week ago. I found it very interesting. Here it is:

Problem Gambling May Rise As Economy Falls

Layoffs, foreclosures could propel more people into addiction, experts say

By JoNel Aleccia
Health writer
msnbc.com
updated 6:08 a.m. PT, Fri., Jan. 30, 2009

The last time he bet on the Super Bowl, back in 1996, the U.S. economy was booming, unemployment was 5.6 percent and Pittsburgh was playing Dallas.
Even then, with all the odds in his favor, the longtime compulsive gambler discovered that the stakes were too high.

“I won the bet but I lost my integrity, I lost my self-respect,” said Robert G., who follows the Gamblers Anonymous support group practice of withholding his full name. “My life was a mess.”

So the 58-year-old Los Angeles marketing executive can imagine the dire times that await gamblers in the current financial climate, when there are early fears that a tumbling economy may propel more people into addiction.

“People are going to take shots who would not have taken shots,” the gambler said.
On the eve of what some regard as the peak of the gambling season — the Super Bowl and the March Madness college basketball tournament — industry experts echo that view, speculating that even as gambling revenues plummet in this economic downturn, the proportion of problem and pathological gamblers could rise.

“A whole lot more people are under stress,” said Bill Eadington, a professor of economics at the University of Nevada, Reno, and director of the Institute for the Study of Gambling and Commercial Gaming. “On that basis, I would expect we probably are seeing more problem gambling than we would under different circumstances.”

Desperate timesPeople desperate because of record layoffs, home foreclosures and failing investments may turn to gambling as a last resort, said Jeffrey Marotta, a researcher who runs a consulting business, Problem Gambling Solutions Inc. in Portland, Ore. And a fraction of those people may be more prone to problem behaviors or addiction.

“There may be a decrease in general revenues, but more problem gamblers,” he said.

That notion is hotly disputed by the American Gaming Association, a Washington, D.C. industry trade group, which notes that the proportion of problem gamblers in society has remained steady for decades, through good times and bad.

“To be honest with you, I don’t know where they’re getting that,” said Holly Thomsen, a spokeswoman for the AGA. “I don’t know that there’s any evidence. They’re making a speculation that has no basis in fact.”

2.3 million in U.S. are compulsive gamblersIn any given year, about 1 percent of American adults — or some 2.3 million people — are pathological gamblers addicted to the risk and excitement of the wager, according to Keith Whyte, executive director of the National Council on Problem Gambling in Washington, D.C.

Another 2 percent or 3 percent — between nearly 5 million and 7 million adults — have serious gambling problems, and perhaps 15 million more are at risk, exhibiting at least two recognized symptoms of problem gambling.

That rate has remained about the same since researchers first began studying problem gambling prevalence three decades ago, but there’s concern that it may be creeping up, Whyte said.
“The rate is so low, even a 50 percent rise is only a tiny fraction,” he added.

There’s no data yet to support that theory, the experts acknowledge, partly because the economic decline has been so sudden and swift. Between 2007 and 2008, revenues in the nearly $100-billion-a-year national gaming industry slumped by 5 percent to 10 percent overall, including a sharp drop last fall, when popular meccas like Las Vegas saw a 26 percent drop in October alone, said Eadington, who tracks the industry.

The decline coincided, of course, with the near-collapse of the nation’s economy, including rising unemployment, increasing home foreclosures and plummeting stock values.

But the psychology that undergirds the addiction argues in favor of an increase in the proportion of problem gamblers. For one thing, compulsive gamblers, those least able to control their urges, don’t stop gambling in a downturn.

“The pathological gambler is going to gamble always,” noted Bruce Roberts, executive director of the California Council on Problem Gambling in Anaheim, Calif.

For them, the lure is not about money, but about the rush of excitement that accompanies the action, said Whyte. “It’s not just the outcome, it’s the gamble,” he said.

'It beats everything'That is certainly true for John F., a 57-year-old recovering gambler who regularly attends a Gamblers Anonymous meeting in Fallon, Nev. He figures he lost at least $250,000 during his 35-year addiction, and many jobs, relationships and opportunities, all for a thrill that’s hard to explain.

“For me, gambling is the most pleasurable thing there is,” said the telephone company worker who also runs his own ranch. “It beats everything.”

Those whose problems fall short of compulsion might find they can’t stop gambling because of another common trait: They think they’re smart enough and skilled enough to recoup their losses — eventually.

“There are actually people who think they can be a good slot player, a good lottery player,” Roberts said.

Gambling on the Super BowlAnd there are many, many gamblers who profess skill during the biggest gambling events of the year, the Super Bowl and the basketball tournament known as March Madness.

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Last year, Super Bowl wagers in Nevada topped $92.1 million, while the month-long March Madness bets totaled about $238 million, according to the state’s gaming control board.
“We know that for a lot of sports gamblers, the Super Bowl is the chance, however much they’re down, it’s their last chance to make it up,” Whyte said.

Researchers plant to track enrollment in gambling treatment programs, calls to gambling hotlines and other sources to monitor whether problem gambling actually does rise as the downturn continues.

One measure might be a surge in attendance at Gamblers Anonymous, which logs 20,000 members in the U.S. and some 35,000 worldwide, according to a spokeswoman.

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For Robert G., the group has been the key to coping with an addiction that can only be controlled, not cured. He encourages other gamblers to look up a nearby meeting and go.
“I found amazing people and my life got pretty damn good,” he said, citing a happy marriage, two kids and a successful career.

The memory of that relapse in 1996 still haunts him, but that doesn’t mean he’ll avoid Sunday’s matchup between the Steelers and the Cardinals.

“I’m rooting for Pittsburgh,” he said, “with no money.”

Are you a problem gambler?

Here are 20 common questions used to assess problem gambling behaviors. Most compulsive gamblers will answer yes to at least seven of these questions.

1. Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?
2. Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?
3. Did gambling affect your reputation?
4. Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?
5. Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?
6. Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?
7. After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?
8. After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more?
9. Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?
10. Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?
11. Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?
12. Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?
13. Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?
14. Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned?
15. Have you ever gambled to escape worry, trouble, boredom or loneliness?
16. Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?
17. Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
18. Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?
19. Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling?
20. Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling?

Most compulsive gamblers answer yes to 7 of these questions.