The One Meal

When I came back early from the yard, I was debating whether or not I should have my daily peanut butter and jam sandwich because last night at dinner was the one meal I could eat without modification. Yes, it was time once again for the pizza and pasta in a marinara sauce dinner. The pizza is listed as vegetarian pizza on the menu which I guess separates it from non-vegetarian pizza? As I was debating whether or not to save my hunger for dinner, I just couldn’t. Once again I was too hungry to wait so I decided to make a PB & J sandwich knowing full well I would still be hungry for dinner because lately I am always hungry. I’m beginning to wonder if I have a tapeworm inside my stomach! Eating to live seems to reach a new level each day. Not only did I have the PB & J sandwich I ate another granola bar and had some baked potato chips. Two hours later, one hour before dinner, I was hungry once again. Incidentally, I asked a couple of the other instructors about my hunger issue and each of them reported the same condition. It seems none of us can get enough to eat. A few weeks ago, the Medical Staff discontinued the protein supplements for the instructors who were receiving this. One protein supplement is the equivalent of 500 calories and the instructors receiving this were taking two per day and not gaining any weight. I don’t know the reason why these supplements were stopped and I was hoping to see the doctor soon so I could start my own supplement. In the next week or two I should be able to see the doctor and hopefully I will get some clarification of my own protein supplement. In the meantime I will most likely continue to be hungry.

It was time for my favorite dinner. I didn’t have to request my vegetarian meal and went straight to the window to receive a regular tray. Much to my surprise, included with the pizza and pasta marinara was black-eyed peas – probably left over from last night’s supper. These were all my favorites on one tray! Of course, being my favorite in here is far from being my favorite in the outside world – thus it is all relative. The slice of pizza was oversized and had no taste. The pasta in the marinara sauce was overcooked but it did have small slices of green peppers and tasted fairly decent. The black-eyed peas were the same as the other night and I was able to receive two extra helpings from my dorm mates sitting at the table. I did have to trade away the strawberry cake to receive one of the extra helpings but I wasn’t going to eat the cake anyway. I ate everything on my tray and I was still hungry! Now I am beginning to think this hunger issue maybe mental if it were not for the hunger pains. I did snack on some tortilla chips when I got back from the dorm.

While I was snacking on the tortilla chips, I finished CAT AND MOUSE by James Patterson. I may have reached a saturation point with Patterson because this novel had such promise at the halfway mark but fizzled out at the end. This novel like all his others I have read moved very fast. It may have moved too fast because there were points I needed further explanation but did not receive it. All in all I was somewhat disappointed with this book. I have one more Patterson novel which I will read but after that one I will give him a rest. I need to expand my literary horizons and will try after I finish the next novel.

This morning – Friday – marked the end of my workweek. I woke up at 5:00 am and decided to get out of my bunk at this time. I was finished sleeping and wanted to watch the morning news until it was time to depart for the early breakfast. My decision to wake up was predicated on watching a different network news from the five o’clock hour to six. This really sounds sad but it was my reason for getting up early. I watched the news and was unimpressed even though it was a major network –NBC – as opposed to the newscast which comes on at 6:00 am. I think being raised in the NYC area has spoiled me when it comes to local news broadcasts. Also spending considerable time in the Washington DC and Los Angeles areas had also spoiled me. Even when I spent 8 years in Las Vegas, their news broadcast seemed very non-professional and low budget. This is exactly how the Sacramento news broadcast appear to be – second rate – where big news is a cat caught in a tree – no, this is not a joke – Nevertheless the 6:00 am broadcast at the CW Network was much better than the 5:00 am NBC broadcast and I didn’t gain anything by waking up at an earlier time. Thankfully, the early breakfast unlock came and I proceeded to the dining hall. Once again it was the regular dining hall and it appears those two days earlier this week were the exception where I attended the other dining hall.

The breakfast this morning consisted of a fruit Danish, oatmeal, a peanut butter packet, banana, apple juice, and non-fat milk. I quickly gave away the Danish for some oatmeal. Once again I sat with my dorm mates who are in the PFT class and all of them are aware of my peculiar eating habits. One of them is always asking me questions as to why I don’t eat certain things. This morning he asked me why I wouldn’t eat the Danish and I talked about the high sugar content. He listened but as he listened he happily took my Danish. Once again I am very perplexed as to why we receive items like the Danish, coffee cake, and cinnamon rolls for breakfast – although the cinnamon rolls are made of whole grains so it isn’t that bad. Sure I am perplexed but in the grand scheme of my life what does it really matter. I am still able to eat somewhat healthy concentrating on the hot cereals and fruit. As long as I receive the cereals and fruit I will be fine. Yes, I will continue to be hungry but I need to learn how to deal with this better, otherwise I will go crazy thinking about hungry I am. As long as I can maintain my strength and endurance I will be fine and as long as I don’t get sick. I am getting enough food even though I am hungry all the time. Somewhere along the line I will be able to purchase filler foods such as rice and beans, and everything will be okay so if a good wind does come along I won’t blow away!

The drill was the same as it has been all week with the PFT class starting early. I had my concerns about the class starting early because I had a 10:45 am telephone call scheduled. I was half expecting something to go wrong so I would be prevented from making the it. Everything was going along smoothly with the class. I am feeling very comfortable with my role and I do enjoy what I am doing. Once again I had the back pace and I think I enjoy this better than the front pace because I have more interaction with the students. If they fall behind me they know they could possibly pass the test so I am always encouraging them to speed up. There is one student in particular who has been at the back of the pace near me all week. He is in his mid 50’s and is really trying hard. Invariably, he will start in the middle of the pack and fall to the back near me. I will tell him he needs to speed up and does but a few seconds later he starts falling back once again. The pattern goes on for all 12 laps. Unfortunately, for him today he did fall behind me only to speed up but to fall behind again. He was telling me about pains in his lower legs and all I could do was encourage him. The good thing about the coach is he is aware of all the students in the class. He knows who is really trying and who is not. I do know he knows this particular inmate is really trying. I’m not sure if this student will pass the physical examination but he will certainly try his best. I’m not sure if I mentioned this and if I have please forgive my senility. On Tuesday we had a student pass out during the PFT class and had to be removed in a wheel chair. The student arrived with me from the reception center over a month ago. We are the same age. During the power walk, he felt his left arm go numb and decided to sit down on the bench. While he was talking to the coach, he blacked out and was escorted to medical in the wheelchair. It was serious enough for him to be transferred to a local hospital for the last two days. I am happy to report those tests came back negative and he is back here. Obviously, he is no longer part of the PFT class. The fascinating part is presumably this inmate had as EKG just like I did, but apparently he was cleared on his, while I need further tests. Maybe all candidates who are over 40 should not only undergo an EKG but also a stress test. This may eliminate events like this taking place. By the way, I am still awaiting my stress test and echo results in order to receive my fire camp clearance. Yet I continue to feel very good and log many miles.

Just like yesterday, I was pulled out of the regular PFT class to do the PFT Plus class. This being Friday means it is the most difficult class of the week. Also, we had three people testing for an instructor position. Due to this fact we had three different instructors do the three rotations. I had the third which is the final rotation. This rotation has the most exercises in it and usually makes or breaks the person taking the test. The coach didn’t want the three instructors to do any of the rotations other than the one we were assigned. He wanted everyone as fresh as possible to ensure the test was as tough as possible. Normally, I would want to do all three rotations as a test for myself but I understand the coach’s philosophy. I waited until the third rotation so I was indeed fresh. I had an exceptionally good rotation with very minimal downtime and also my form on the exercises was very good. At the end of my rotation, the lead instructor – the one who is departing – came over to me with a big smile on his face and told me he really liked how I performed the rotation. It certainly has been a good week with a great deal of good feedback.

Once the class ended, the coach had our post-class meeting with the instructors. He does like to talk and I had a watchful eye on the clock so I could make my 10:45 am telephone call. The coach talked about the intrinsic rewards of both his and our positions. He said, “I can draw a salary anywhere but when I make a difference in a person’s (inmate’s) life it is all worth it.” He was talking about how happy most of the inmates are when they pass his PFT class. He noticed wholesale changes in inmates when they started the PFT class to when they finished. He has seen the looks of joy on the inmates faces as they receive their certificate of completion. He also spoke of how so many instructors have offered that little word of encouragement which pushed the student that much further in the class. He is correct because in my very brief time associated with this program I have noticed these things as well. I have also been stopped by fellow inmates who ask me questions about exercise and the PFT class. I had one inmate who I have never seen before stop me and we talked about the class and running. He went on to tell me I was an “inspiration” to him because we are both the same age and he sees me out on the yard running and exercising everyday. As I mentioned this inmate was a perfect stranger to me and is of a different race. Of course hearing I was an “inspiration” made me feel good but the best part was when he said this I could feel some of those archaic prison / inmate rules crumbling right before my very own eyes. Everything does happen for a reason and I am finally realizing what God’s plan is for me. Sure I do miss my family and I am certainly not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life, but I do know as long as I work my recovery to the best of my ability, I will be with my family and in exactly the right place.

Oh, Those Young People!

In the afternoon yesterday, the regular PFT class was instructed by the coach to attend the PFT Plus class. In the short time I have been an instructor, this is the first time I have witnessed the regular PFT class having had to come out in the afternoon after finishing all their exercises. I on the other hand was looking forward to it because most of the instructors participate with the students by doing all the required exercises. The coach had a short meeting prior to the mandatory PFT Plus class and he stressed the importance of finishing each exercise in the allotted time frame. I need to explain the Wednesday class. It’s a circuit class – one circuit will have the burpees another – push ups – another crunches – another jumping jacks – another mountain climbers. Due to the large size of the class, we had 8 circuits of doubles. Each circuit last for 30 seconds and we are required to do as many repetitions of whatever circuit we are in, in the 30 second time frame. Then the students rotate in a clockwise direction to the next circuit while the instructors rotate in the opposite direction. There is about a 5 second interval from one circuit to another. Normally we do three rotations but yesterday we did four. It is a very fast pace intense workout. The coach did not want an Instructor to start a particular exercise and not be able to finish. This would be very bad and would give the students ammunition toward the instructor. I took his comments as personal pep talk and couldn’t wait to get going on the exercise. The only circuit which is very physically demanding for me are the pushups on the third or fourth rotation because they are performed without stopping. During all the other classes, pushups are performed in sets of 10 but not during this class.

We warmed up with two laps and then started the circuit training. I started on the pushup rotation because I thought it would be easier for me to start this exercise when I was fresh. I was right and had no problem doing 25 proper pushups. In my opinion, pushups are performed improperly most of the time by many of the students and also inmates who are working out in the yard. Most of the time the students do half pushups and never keep their bodies steady. When done properly, pushups are very demanding in the 30 seconds. Then I moved to the next station which is mountain climbers without any problems. I moved through the entire circuit and by the time I was on my third rotation, I noticed many of the students struggling with certain exercises. They were winded and tired. The coach threw a monkey wrench into the circuit training by taking one group out and having them jog one lap. Half way through my third circuit I got to a station with no students and I noticed the coach was motioning me to come to him. I went over and he told me to take a group of students on a one lap jog. I frantically ran to retrieve my stop watch because timing is everything with the coach and when I got back I took the group of students on the one lap jog. The coach wanted to time the jog so my group got back to the soon to be empty burpee circuit. As luck would have it I ended the jog just as the station became opened; the timing could not have been better. It was interesting because as I was doing the jog with the students they were all asking me when we would get a break. My response to them was, “This is your break so please catch up on your wind now before we get back.” The jog was at a very slow pace – 4 minutes per lap and wasn’t taking care of the students. When the class was over the coach told the class that the jog was their rest period and interestingly enough the coach and I never discussed this prior to his mentioning it. I guess I still can think for myself. I was very proud to be a part of the PFT Plus class because it went very well and all of the instructors did what was asked of them. This does give us credibility with the students and it does help to inspire them to continue on.

It was a very good afternoon and the coach was very pleased with how things went. I was also very pleased and the lead instructor – the one who is leaving – came up to me after the class and told me he was very impressed that I did all the exercises. Yes, it is another ego-boosting moment and I am sure some of this is going straight to my big head but it certainly does make me feel good and some did notice. Hopefully, I won’t puff up my scrawny chest and think I am something which I am not. In everyway imaginable I could not have asked for a better job in a place like this. After the class I decided not to push myself any further because I had already logged 9 miles for the day. I am not getting any younger and my obsessive personality does not lend me to possibly over-train this causing injury. I must constantly listen to my body not to injure myself and so far – knock on wood – it is working out fine.

No matter where I am whether it is in here or on the outside world the best part of my day is taking a shower after a great strenuous workout. Sure the shower is not exactly hot here but it will do especially after this workout. I also used my new razor once again and I discovered a new type of shaving cream. As I have mentioned before I don’t have any shaving cream and I have used soap, shampoo, and body lotion. Now I can add another category conditioner. Conditioner probably works the best – other than shaving cream – because I did receive a very good shave without any razor burn and not to mention I really like the smell of coconut. It was a satisfying day and the rest of the time I wrote. I wanted to stay on top of my writing and not wait for the weekend because this further delays the delivery of the letter. One letter was to someone who may possibly visit me next week. Normally a visiting form takes 30 days to process, but this person’s form was processed in 8 days. I was very impressed and needed to send a letter letting the person know. I was able to write all my letters and get them out in the mail so they don’t go out by the weekend. I stayed up past my bedtime in order to finish these but it was well worth it.

I need to take a step back and mention a dream I had the other night. Each night I have at least one dream and most times two and three. However, rarely do I remember them. However, the other night I remembered my dreams because it was about my son. This was a very vivid dream and the only thing I can remember is hugging him for a very long time. As I continued to hug him, he said to me, “Don’t worry daddy, everything will be alright.” Then I continued to hug him some more. I didn’t want to wake up because I could feel my son as if he were right there with me. Eventually, I woke up with a very broad smile on my face. Everything will be alright and I will be with my family very soon.

The dinner last night was some sort of beef stew over rice and for me it was one of those bad nights. I didn’t receive any extra helping of rice or mixed vegetables. I just received the requisite two tubes of peanut butter. Needless to say I was still very hungry after dinner. I broke in to one of the two soups I have remaining. Hopefully, next week I will finally be able to go to the store because I believe money from the reception center has finally been transferred here. I did include some fresh carrots with the soup and I also added some of my new Cajun seasoning. The soup tasted better and packed more of a spice but now I have to use my one remaining soup carefully over the next week. Even after finishing the soup with some baked potato chips, I was still hungry. I don’t know what has gotten into me over the past few days, but lately I have been famished. I have added the granola bars and fruit to my daily diet but maybe all the physical activity is making me even more hungry. Whatever the case, I sure do hope I can add some more food to my locker in the coming week when I will hopefully have an opportunity to go to the store. I have known what I would like to purchase for well over a month. Once I get to the store I shouldn’t have any starving issues.

This morning was once again more of the same of the previous three days of going to an early breakfast. Just like yesterday, I was able to attend the regular dining hall and the lunch was peanut butter and jam for everyone so there could not have been any anti-vegetarian comments. The breakfast was the one breakfast where I need to request the vegetarian meal because the main entrée was cream beef. The inmate I know from the PFT Plus class was working the front of the food service line and he certainly took care of me. I received the two tubes of peanut butter but I also received more roasted potatoes and an additional apple juice. Unfortunately, both of my apple juices were semi-frozen and drinking two containers was equivalent to drinking one. I certainly had enough to eat at breakfast because of all the physical activity I did in both the PFT and PFT Plus class I didn’t feel hungry until later this afternoon.

Shortly after breakfast the regular PFT class started and it was more of the same. Sometimes sameness can get boring, but for me in a place like this the sameness is a welcome relief because I am very active during this “sameness” everyday. This beats the alternative of sitting around day after day and I will take the sameness for the remainder of my term. Part of this sameness is losing my voice. I have got to learn to stop using my throat to call out the cadences and start using my chest. I noticed yesterday my voice wavering and while I was calling out the cadences on the Harvard Wall, my voice was giving way at the half way point. Fortunately, we turn over the cadences at the half way point and I was happy to be relieved by another instructor. The coach heard my voice wavering and after I was relieved he called me over and told me in the future when I feel that I am losing my voice, it is fine to switch cadences to another instructor even earlier, otherwise I could lose my voice completely. I do need lessons on using my loud voice more effectively or by Friday my voice could be non-existent. Tomorrow I will try using my diaphragm as I speak instead of my throat. A few of the other new instructors were also losing their voices today so apparently this is very common and takes some getting used to. It looks like I will need Saturday and Sunday to get my voice back so I shouldn’t complain this weekend when I am not working.

As the regular PFT class was starting their exercises, the lead instructor called me over and needed me in the morning PFT Plus class. I was sort of disappointed because this means I would miss out on three more miles of power walking and jogging – really I am all about the miles. I did not show my disappointment and ran over to the class. I lead a rotation and participated in all the exercises which is just as good as logging the three miles. This did break up some of the sameness but I was still being very active which is all that matters. As the class ended the regular PFT class had 2 laps left. I held myself back and didn’t join them on the track because the other instructors had the situation under control. I just watched them finish the two laps as I spoke with the lead instructor. Finally, the class ended and the coach can be a bit long winded but I do find him fascinating. He tends to turn a two minute discussion into a 20 minute one but it always seems to be very intelligent. Unfortunately, my “intelligent discussions” have been few and far between over the past few months so the coach always has my attention during these discussions. We finished the conversation but because I missed the 3 miles my obsessive compulsive brain told me to run a few laps this morning. My intention was to run 4 miles but I went 5 instead. Some days running is very good and other days it seems to be a struggle. Today was one of those struggle days but after finishing the 5 miles I was happy when it was over. This morning between power walking, jogging, and running, I logged 10 miles. It looks like my weekly total miles is fast approaching 65 miles and this is significant because when I would train for a marathon, the final weeks leading up to it would only top off at 50-55 miles. At this current pace, I will be ready for a marathon at anytime. Of course, this is subject to change at anytime but for now I will take it.

It was time for lunch but because I didn’t have my mid morning snack I gave up the lunch in lieu of the granola bar and banana – yes I took another piece of fruit this morning from breakfast. Lately I just put the fruit in my wool hat and carry it out. I am sure one of these times I will be caught but until that time comes I will keep feeding myself. I really wasn’t that hungry and I didn’t want to eat too much because there was one more PFT class to go this afternoon. I ate my snack and read more of my James Patterson novel while I was waiting for the afternoon yard to be opened. When it opened it was time for the PFT Plus class. I wasn’t sure if I would participate because I had a very strenuous morning but I did talk myself into doing the exercises. I did not have to lead any rotations because I lead one this morning but ultimately I did want to participate. When it was over, I had enough exercise for one day and caught an early unlock so I could take a shower while most of my dorm mates were still out in the yard.

Normally, I come back either when the yard closes at 4:00 pm or at a little before 3:00 pm. At both of these times most of my dorm mates return to the dorm so it was nice to only have very few people remaining in the dorm. Interestingly enough three of these dorm mates still in the dorm were 3 of the 4 members who are in the regular PFT class. These three individuals are all under the age of 30 and one is under the age of 25. When I arrived back in the dorm all three of them were fast asleep at 2:00 pm. It appears the PFT class is wearing them down and I guess they don’t make young people like they used to! By the way the lone remaining member of the class from my dorm is 35 and he took a nap this afternoon. Oh those Young People! I know each one of them can’t wait for the weekend so they don’t have the PFT class and can rest. Make no mistake, the PFT class is physically demanding but I am very glad to be part of it each day.

Silly Little Things

Yesterday afternoon I did get to lead one of the three rotations during the PFT Plus class. Once again I had the least amount of “down time” in between exercises over the two other instructors. This time the outgoing lead instructor calculated total downtime during each of the three rotations. My downtime was 10 seconds less than the other instructor’s downtime. Also the rotation I performed was the third rotation which has more exercises than the other two rotations. The outgoing lead instructor made this announcement after the class and the reaction of the other two instructors was very interesting. They could not believe they had more downtime and seemed to resent the lead instructor for pointing this out. Both of them are very young (in their late 20’s) and seem to have a little issue with receiving constructive criticism. Even though my time was 10 seconds better than theirs I was still 5 seconds away from the preferred downtime according to the lead instructor. I completely understood this criticism and will always continue to try better next time.

Most of the instructors are much younger than me. I am the oldest regular instructor at the ripe old age of 41 and practically all of the other instructors are in their mid 20’s to early 30’s. It does give me some self satisfaction knowing I can still keep up with these youngsters and the more positive feedback I receive from the lead instructor the bigger my ego gets, not really but it is good to know I am still in good physical shape. Another ego boosting part about my position is in the regular PFT class there are many students who are very young (some in their late teens to early 20’s) but can’t seem to get through the exercises especially the power walk and run. Invariably I seem to be encouraging these very young youngsters to make it and try harder or some try to quit. The “Coach” does not allow a student to quit without a medical reason. If a student wants to pull themselves out of the class they cannot just quit they must try their best. The “Coach” want students who will push past the mental pain and endure all 9 days of the training class some inmates/students just don’t understand this concept. This is very unfortunate because they are missing the bigger picture which is to be a productive member of society. The fire camp program provides inmates with an exceptional opportunity yet some turn their backs. I for one do certainly hope I get the chance to attend a fire camp because I look forward to this exceptional opportunity.

When the PFT Plus class was finished yesterday afternoon I was so looking forward to calling my dear wife on the telephone. I had the telephone call scheduled for 3:15 pm. After the PFT Plus class I did my little exercise routine and was deciding on whether to run or do the Harvard Steps. As part of the exercise routine I did run one mile prior to doing the calisthenics. With this mile and the PFT class in the morning I had already logged 7 miles and wanted to do 10 miles for the entire day. As I was preparing to run the 3 additional miles the alarm went off. The alarm went off at 2:30 pm and I assumed the position on the ground on my belly. I stayed this way for the next 10 minutes as did everyone else in the yard. After 10 minutes the announcement of “Yard Recall” (which means everyone needs to return to their dorms immediately) came over the loudspeaker. As soon as I heard this, I thought, so much for my telephone call to my wife. This was completely correct because the yard was closed down and I couldn’t make the telephone call. (It really does seem like anytime I have a telephone call scheduled something unexpected happens. I have come to expect the unexpected as part of my daily routine.) Now I will have to wait at least another two days before I can call my wife. It is truly frustrating but as I was reminded in a wonderful letter I received from my mother earlier today that this is one of those “silly little things” which really shouldn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

This is very true because yes it is exasperating, inconvenient and frustrating all wrapped up into one. However, this not being able to place the telephone call to my wife won’t send me into a tailspin of negativity. It truly is one of those events which continue to happen completely out of my control. Instead of getting depressed and down I just smiled to myself as 3:15 pm ticked by and I was sitting on my bunk instead of talking to my wife on the telephone. “SH__ does happen and I have learned to deal with it constructively. I will have the opportunity to call my wife sometime in the very near future and this incident will fade away just like the non-telephone call on Thanksgiving Day. My wife completely understands that if I don’t call her at the pre-arranged time everything will be fine and I will call eventually. I don’t know why the yard was closed down so early which is the first time this has happened since I arrived here a month and a half ago. Yes, the yard was closed early on Thanksgiving but that decision was made ahead of time and yesterday something must have happened to cause the closure . The rumor du jour was something did happen in the other yard and even though it had nothing to do with my yard the decision is always to close down both yards. It really does seem like something is always happening on the other yard and someone was looking out for me when I was placed on this yard. This yard had been very calm which is more to my liking. The other yard seems very volatile with many things happening all he time. I would have thought that because the other yard is the lesser level yard (1) that there would be less “action” than this yard being a higher level (2). However, this is certainly not the case and somehow my “misplacement” had worked out for the best.

I received two letters yesterday from two very dear friends. One friend is a relatively new friend but I do feel like I have known this person all my life. The other friend is an old friend and I didn’t realize how good a friend this person was until I was incarcerated almost 5 months ago. I am truly a blessed and grateful person to have these magnificent people in my life. After all of the things I have done in my life to land myself in the current situation I am not sure if I deserve to have all this love and support in my life but I certainly will take it. Thank God for my recovery because without it I wouldn’t be experiencing any of this. This is why I must work my recovery everyday and embrace each and every day one day at a time.

The dinner last night was the filet of fish sandwich and normally I would have stayed back in the dormitory. However, one of the side dishes was black-eyed peas. Black-eyed peas have become one of my favorite foods in prison, (I don’t recall if I ever had black-eyed peas before coming to prison and for some reason I can’t remember ever having them.) So I decided to go to dinner even though I do eat fish I did invoke the vegetarian special meal. The very nice C/O asked me if I do eat fish and I said “Not this fish.” I was given a tray with two servings of black-eyed peas and no filet of fish. Again the spot on the tray with the black-eyed peas was overflowing. When I received the tray I turned to the very nice C/O and pointed to the spot on the tray where the black-eyed peas were overflowing and said, “It is funny how everyone (all the other inmates) notice my extra helpings of black-eyed peas but no one notices that I have no dish on my tray.” After I said this, the very nice C/O let out a big laugh followed by a large smile as she agreed whole heartedly. It was good to see a C/O actually smile genuinely.

After dinner I spent all of the evening writing. I wrote this blog and wrote my dear old friend. It was a pleasure to write last night and in fact it is a pleasure to write all my wonderful family and friends. I do spend a great deal of time writing which helps me in so many ways. It helps my recovery because it is therapeutic and helps me pass the time being productive. Or at least I hope the letters for my friends are productive?

This morning represented “hump day” in my work week and as I have reported before I would rather work 7 days a week because these days pass so quickly. The routine is virtually the same every morning with slight exceptions - today being Wednesday and our tier having morning yard meant it was weekly inspection time. This meant I had to disassemble all my clotheslines this morning and ensure the top of my locker was empty. I am not sure what these inspections are all about because it seems our dorm never suffers any ill-effects from these inspections. I have heard some of the instructors talk about how their dorms have been torn apart by the C/O’s during inspection. I believe the C/O’s are looking for illegal paraphernalia in these inspections and when they find something they really go to town. I am sure one of these weeks my dorm will be hit but as long as my locker stays “clean” I have nothing to worry about. Anyhow, I did my early morning cleaning up of my bunk and it was once again time for early breakfast. Thankfully I had breakfast in the usual dining hall so there were no run-ins with the “pro-meat” C/O. I need to make a comment about today’s breakfast and it is a general comment having nothing to do with my vegetarian special meal. The breakfast this morning consisted of one fried egg (it was more like half a fried egg), pinto beans and farina along with skim milk and orange juice. Normally I just eat the hot cereal and this was the case this morning. However, I did sit once again with my dorm mates who are in the PFT class and they were complaining about the lack of food on these trays. I have heard this gripes and complaints before. Normally they are much a do about nothing however, this morning I even noticed the lack of food for these normal eating inmates. The eggs were the smallest I have seen in almost 5 months. For the life of me I don’t know why they serve beans at breakfast when they know 100 plus inmates will be power walking, running and doing afternoon exercises 10 minutes after ingesting the bean. In my opinion this is a horrible combination and should be avoided. I have become accustomed to eating beans at my dinner but I cannot bring myself to eat them for breakfast so I happily gave them away.

On my way out of the dining hall I didn’t have any problems receiving the cheese sandwich in my vegetarian lunch. I have figured out that 5 days a week I get peanut butter and jam while the remaining 2 days Ig et the horrible cheese sandwich. Fortunately I have enough tubes of peanut butter squirreled away so all I need is bread to make my own peanut butter sandwich. The cheese does normally come with bread which I use to make the PB&J sandwich. For the third day in a row this week we got another early start. The class does seem to get easier (at least for me) as each days goes by. Again I had the back pace and made a conscious effort to keep a “positive face” all morning while doing the power walking. Based on the “Coach’s” comment to me yesterday I wanted to alleviate all his concerns by showing my smiling positive face during the power walk. Fortunately I was pretty much left alone during the power walk so I had no outside influence messing with my “positive face”. These outside influences did arise later on in the class but the power walk was stress free. At the very end of the class the lead instructor (the one who is staying) gave me some direction which I tried to pass along to another regular instructor but he misunderstood my direction and did what he wanted to do. The lead instructor did come up to me and asked me what happened. I told him exactly what happened without specifically blaming anyone and the issue was quickly squashed. The other outside influence was at the very end of the class where the regular instructors pass back the identification cards to the students. Based on the direction I was given by the lead instructor (one who is staying) I started passing back the ID cards, however, two minutes into this - the other lead instructor stopped me because according to him it was not the proper time. I did stop but I said with a smile “the two of you really need to talk.” They did talk after the class and they both apologized to me. Everything was fine and I will say this, they are fortunate it was me that got caught in the middle of this because some of the other younger instructors would have had an issue. To me; however, his was one of these minor items in the grand scheme of things and there was no reason to make a big deal about it.

I believe both of the lead instructors do like having me around as does the “Coach” because they are always talking to me. I noticed they don’t spend a great deal time speaking with the other instructors. Both of the lead instructors are older than I and we may have the “O.G.” connection. Whatever the case, I do spend time with the other regular instructors because I am not going to alienate myself. This would be a great way to set myself up for failure. I do seem to get along with everyone as well. I am not sure if this would be considered a character flaw but I do need to be liked. I won’t be concerned if some of the instructors didn’t like me because this is life. Sometimes people will like me and sometimes people won’t. However, I will always be true to myself and genuine when I am dealing with people. As long as I continue being truthful and sincere I won’t be concerned if there are people who didn’t like me. I will say it is much easier to be nice and sincere to others then it is to be mean and insincere. Finally the class was concluded and I did have time to sign-up for a telephone call. This call is for Friday morning at 10:45 am. Hopefully my wife will be available and hopefully one of those “silly little things” won’t happen to prevent me from making the telephone call.

Same Scenario Different Result

Yesterday afternoon there was still a PFT Plus class to administer. We had our full complement of instructors so I didn’t have a chance to do a rotation. I did participate in the class and the Monday class is relatively easy. The class does get the heart rate elevated for about 20 minutes but it is no where near as difficult as the Friday class. I do have a difficult time breaking a sweat during this class. Some instructors are like me and don’t break a sweat but there are others who seem to sweat much more. The students (please keep in mind the PFT Plus classes are all volunteer – an interesting aside – the “Coach” was telling all the instructors last week that when he first started having the PFT Plus class his (the “Coach”) superiors told him if he got more than 8 inmates to volunteer for this class it would be a miracle; today we had 30 and some classes have had 50 inmates attend – I guess miracles do happen!) normally sweat profusely no matter the day of the class but this is a good thing because it means they are trying. Some of the inmates take this class in order to get ready for the PFT regular class and there are others who take the class just to get or stay in shape. Whatever the reason it is nice to see inmates taking advantage of a program.

I am going to take a time out and offer my opinion regarding the lack of programs in this prison. Judging by the talks the instructors have had with the “Coach” there seems to be a great deal of cynicism at the level of the Administrators in the prison system. Case in point could be found in the previous paragraph where an Administrator told the “coach” he was certainly providing a “miracle” by having more than 8 inmates attend a volunteer physical fitness class. Again this is my two cents and I am sure it is with a lot less; anyway I have heard the comment made by several C/O’s “how can you rehabilitate an inmate if they don’t want to be rehabilitated so why should we -prison system - try?” It is next to impossible to rehabilitate someone who doesn’t want it but that doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be Programs for those who do. I believe the vast majority of inmates do want a rehabilitation program and very few who don’t. It seems to me the dissenting inmates yield a great deal of power when it comes to the limitation of things in prison. A good example of this is the fruit which is no longer available with our lunches. My guess is there are a handful of inmates who would actually make “pruno” with the fruit while the majority would eat the fruit yet the fruit had been taken away. I do understand the lack of progress because of the overcrowding and the need to shift resources accordingly. However; there maybe some simple inexpensive solutions to this problem such as having outside volunteers in the field of addiction counseling come into the prison on a regular basis. These could be students in need of hours for their specialty and maybe they can be found at a nearby college or university. Well maybe someday this will happen and I will now go back to minding my own business.

The great part (there are many great parts in fact it is all great) of my job is usually I am finished with everything by 1:30 in the afternoon. This gives me the entire afternoon to do my own exercises or anything else I would like to do. Well realistically there isn’t anything else I would like to do but in the yard other than working out. So I have he entire afternoon to continue my Program. Yesterday, I did the Harvard Wall for only an hour because I wanted to make the 2:45 pm unlock because after that I would have to wait until 4:00 pm for the unlock. I purposely went much faster on the Harvard Wall and had no problem breaking a sweat. In fact my shirt and shorts were drenched with sweat and it felt very good. Other inmates do join me on the Harvard Wall but they invariably fall out after only a few minutes but during that short period of time I try my best to encourage them to do their best. I made my way back to the dorm for the 2:45 pm unlock and due to my work status I had priority on the shower. I had to let two of my dorm mates use the shower before me because I had to wash my shorts and shirt prior to showering along with having to shave. I finally shaved with a decent razor which was in my package. I have been shaving with a single (at least that is what the razor said) edge disposable razor and in my package was a Gillette Sensor 3 disposable (we are only allowed disposable razors) with a lubricated edge. What a difference this razor made even though I still have no shaving cream but the very simple act of shaving was made more enjoyable with this razor. I no longer felt like I was ripping the hairs out of my face, I was actually shaving not pulling the hairs out.

I did not intend to go to dinner last night because the main course was chili conquistador with spinach, bread and Jell-O. I thought I should just stay back in the dorm and make some rice with my new Cajun seasoning. However, one of my dorm mates who goes to early dinner came back and reported the cornbread was delicious. I thought to myself “cornbread?” There was no cornbread on the menu but my dorm mate always reports accurately about the dinner. I try not to miss cornbread because it is one of my favorites. I decided to go and at the very least I would still be able to make something if the dinner was not filling enough when I get back to the dorm. I got to the front of the line and noticed that the regular C/O was not there nor was her normal relief. It was someone who I had never seen before and I was ready to show my slip because I did not want a repeat performance of the lunch episode from the morning. As I got to the window I very politely turned to the female C/O and requested the vegetarian meal. She did not blink and eye and called into the kitchen for the vegetarian tray. I was very impressed with her manners (apparently she was trained differently from the C/O at breakfast). I received the tray with extra spinach and two pieces of cornbread instead of the usual one and the standard two tubes of peanut butter. As I was handed the tray from the kitchen workers the very nice C/O said to the kitchen, “Is that all he gets?” She seemed to be shocked that there wasn’t enough food on my tray. The kitchen workers answered, “Yes, this is what the supervisor told me to put on the tray.” The C/O just shook her head with incredulity. I took the tray and said thank you and went to find a seat. It is amazing how the C/O’s can be so very different in basically the same scenario. In the morning I was basically kicked out of the dining hall with no lunch because the C/O needed to see my slip. While in the evening of the same day a C/O was asking how come I didn’t get more food with my vegetarian tray without seeing my slip. Oh! The inconsistencies of prison life, it sure makes for an interesting day.

I ate everything with the exception of the two tubes of peanut butter at dinner and I was still hungry. I decided to make a soup (I now have two left) with some fresh carrots along with some tortilla chips. I do have some food from my package and it resides inside my locker which is two feet away from where I sit on my bunk. I know I should conserve all the food/snacks I have because there really isn’t that much and replacements aren’t exactly right down the street at the local supermarket. However; my taste buds seem to go into over drive when I eat this “outside” food and I seem to eat more than I normally should. The close proximity is really not a good thing. Unfortunately, I can’t just lock it in the kitchen downstairs and I have to live with it being just an arms length away. Like I have mentioned in the past I do eat to live but the lack of certain foods changes this to living to eat in certain instances especially when I am starving.

Last night was my lone television night and as I was sitting in the television area one of my dorm mates commented, “It must be Monday because Paul is watching television.” Yes, it certainly appears that the only time I venture into the television area is on Monday evenings to watch “Heroes”. I was somewhat concerned because prior to “Heroes” coming on some (actually many) of my dorm mates were watching a Music Awards show. For some reason these awards shows take priority over anything else on television that particular night. However, I was assured that the Music Awards Show would only be shown for an hour prior to “Heroes”. This was indeed the case and I got to watch the one television show of the week. I was sort of disappointed because last night’s “Heroes” was the last one of this calendar year and a new episode airs on January 22nd. What will I do with my Monday evenings for the next 7 weeks? I guess the same thing I do with the other 6 evenings of the week. I do have something to look forward to in the upcoming weeks. If anyone cares this last episode was very good and opened up many different scenarios. It will be interesting to see how the rest of the season plays out. When the show was over (10:00 pm) it was time for bed and I was asleep in no time after laying down on my bunk. I certainly like this fact and like someone (was it Ben Franklin) once said, “Early to bed early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.” Well one out of three is not bad.

This morning it was the identical program as yesterday by waking up around 5:00 am and getting ready for my day. Tuesdays are laundry day and I had to strip my bunk and place my sheets and pillow case on the floor in front of my bunk prior to my departure, in order to receive new sheets and a pillow case later in the day. Also, I had to take my laundry bag to the laundry drop off in order to have my whites properly cleaned. Unfortunately, this only happens once a week and it would be nice to have access to a washer and dryer on a daily basis. I was speaking with one of my dorm mates who spent 7 years at another prison in southern California before being transferred here a month ago. He told me at that prison he did have access to a washer and dryer on a daily basis. He was very surprised to see that this particular prison does not have a washing machine and dryer for the inmates. Having these appliances certainly would make it more sanitary to wash clothes in rather than using the bathroom sinks. I made the unlock this morning because I was sitting right by the door with all my things ready to go when the C/O came by. I did in fact drop off my whites in the laundry drop off on my way to breakfast. (Hopefully I will get these back because two weeks ago my laundry was completely lost.)

I ate breakfast in the other dining hall again and I sat with my dorm mates who are in the PFT class. The breakfast contained sausage links but I did not want to go through the hassle of invoking my vegetarian special meal to yet another C/O so I decided to take the regular tray. I gave away the sausage links and in return I received more oatmeal so it did work out fine. Also breakfast contained the pancakes but they are rather difficult to enjoy knowing I am going to start working out right after eating them. The pancakes are just too heavy and need time to digest; however, the class starts 10 minutes after breakfast no matter what. I did eat the pancakes (for the calories) but I chewed them very slowly. On the way out of breakfast I was “armed” with my vegetarian slip from the doctor so I could display it for the C/O who gave me such a hard time yesterday. I didn’t want any issues when I received my peanut butter and jam lunch. Well, I presented the slip to him along with my identification card (wanted to cover all my bases) as I asked for the vegetarian lunch. The C/O glanced at the slip and paused (I think for dramatic effect) for a moment. After the pause he said, “I can’t believe you don’t eat meat.” My response was “Yes, I don’t eat meat as the slip states may I please have my lunch.” The C/O replied “God put us on this earth to kill animals so we can eat them.” After saying this he somewhat begrudgingly gave me the vegetarian lunch. When he gave it to me I couldn’t bring myself to say thank you but I reached down as far as I could and did come up with a half-hearted “thank you.” Also after hearing his last statement I responded as I walked out of the dining hall with the lunch, “I do respect your opinion and I was hoping you would respect mine on this particular issue.” I don’t know if he responded because I continued walking not wanting to hear his response.

Reading those statements in this context, one can make the judgment that the C/O was being sarcastic or joking. In my opinion he was dead serious because not only did his words express disdain or someone who does not eat meat but his body language reflected it as well. I did not want to engage in any discussion whatsoever with this C/O but I did feel the need to say something. Maybe I should have not said anything but “thank you” and went on my merry way. For some reason, most likely the way he said those statements I couldn’t let it be. I said what I needed and moved on. Again this C/O had the potential to ruin my entire day due to his extremely narrow views but I would not let it eat at me to give him the satisfaction. I did let it go and immediately started to concentrate on the PFT class. It looks like I may have to deal with this C/O the entire week and I wonder what other insightful comments he may have as I continue to receive my vegetarian lunch. Whatever they are I will continue to not let it bother me because once again this entire situation for me being in here is temporary and the C/O will be here much longer than me so his situation is somewhat permanent as is his ideals which is very unfortunate for him.

Once again the PFT class did get an early start and things are much more organized than they have been. All the instructors know their assignments and everything ran very smoothly. Once again I took the back pace and did enjoy it most of the time. The lead instructor who has finally taken over for the other lead instructor is a good guy and we do get along. However, he has a difficult time listening. He is good at giving directions but when it comes to feedback (to him) he seems to tune it out or develops a very definitive attitude. During the walk the front pacer was about 15 seconds ahead of the pace. Instead of telling the front pacer the lead instructor tells me. Unfortunately there is not a great deal I can do with this information because my responsibility being the back pacer is to stay 8 seconds behind whatever the pace of the front pacer which I was doing. (By the way it is not exactly as easy as it may sound.) When the lead instructor told me this I had a perplexed look on my face and really didn’t know what he wanted me to do with this information. I tried as best as professional as I could to ask him a question but he didn’t want to hear it. Basically I told him he should mention it to the side pacers who were near the front so they could inform the front pacer. But the lead instructor did sort of blow me off and finally did inform the front pacer too slow down. After this conversation I felt confused and my face may have shown it but I did continue on.

After all the walks and runs along with the exercises complete the class was doing their cool down. I went over to the “coach” and asked him about the charts for the class. (Somehow I have become the instructor who does the “paperwork”, go figure!) the charts weren’t prepared because the PFT clerk was fired (this is a long story and I only know it third hand so I will not mention much about it, however; I will say the “coach” seems to be on an island which is shrinking fast) and the charts weren’t prepared. After this exchange “coach” asked me how I was doing physically with the job. He was concerned that I may have problems with my leg even though I am a runner because power walking uses different leg muscles. I did tell him when I first started my legs mostly my feet were sore but everything is fine now. The “Coach” did mention he thought there was some stress registering on my face as I was doing the power walk, he thought this stressed look was me having problems with my legs. When he mentioned this I instantly knew what look he was referring to (the incident with the lead instructor) but I didn’t want to mention any specifics because it really wasn’t an issue. I told the “Coach” sometimes my face goes into a concentration zone where I try to block out my surroundings and focus on the task (this is true especially when I am running because I go into a state or zone and sometimes I look carefree and other times I look stressed.) I did reassure the “Coach” I am physically fine and he appeared to believe me. I guess I need to work on my carefree face much more or the “Coach” will think I am full of it. I must say again it was a pleasure that the “Coach” did notice me and showed genuine concern. This really does not happen in a place like this because it seems most people have their own agendas which include no one but themselves.

The class concluded and I spent an hour speaking with the other lead instructor. He also asked me how I was doing physically (he talks regularly with the “Coach”) and I explained my “zone face” which he completely understood. In fact he went into a long discussion regarding his “zone face”. Then one topic lead to another and an hour had disappeared while we were talking. I must say he did most of the talking but I was happy to listen. I am still not clear on why he is in prison because he is one of those inmates who most certainly don’t fit into the majority of the prison demographic. Whatever the case in a short few weeks his sentence of spending more than 4 years in prison will come to an end and he will be released. I do wish him well and very much doubt he will be part of the 70 plus percent who do return to California prison.

Back To the Program

The weather has gone back to being absolutely beautiful. The cold has well snapped and the afternoon high temperature has been in the mid 60’s with abundant sunshine. I was able to sign-up for a telephone call yesterday for tomorrow afternoon, the only issue I had with signing up is that it delayed my run. Normally I would come up and deposit my identification card in the telephone sign-up box and run a few laps until they start the sign-up process. Yesterday the yard was opened a little late (this seems to be the case in the past few weeks) and the sign-up process is supposed to start at 1:00 pm. It was 1:00 pm when I deposited my identification card and I had to stand around for the next 35 minutes for the process to commence. This was fine because I didn’t want to run many miles however I did not care for the standing around time.

After securing my telephone time I started my run. I decided to go for speed in my 10 miles run. My first mile was a very slow 7 minutes and 50 seconds. I was having a hard time getting started and I discovered my $42 running shoes aren’t that good. These are the best running shoes in all the catalogues but sometime in life you get what you pay for, the running shoes are light and do provide some cushioning from the asphalt, however, the shoes are not responsive. Once they hit the ground they seem to turn to mush instead of springing off the pavement. (I sue do miss my Asics running shoes but the one I have will do because I am not out to set any prison running records!) Be that as it may I did increase my speed over the course of the run. My last (mile 10) mile was completed in 7 minutes and 12 seconds which is my fastest mile here. I do swear that the times around the track are a little more than a mile because 18 months ago when I was on the outside I was doing 6 minutes and 30 second miles for 6 miles and I can’t seem to get into the 6 minute miles here for anything. Anyhow, my run was very good and an interesting thing happened while I was running. Yes, I still got the “marathon man” calls and the crazy looks as I ran by my fellow inmates but this is no longer interesting. It has become very normal. The interesting part was even though I increased my speed I maintained my breathing very well and I was not sweating very much. The breathing is really not a big deal because it seems the longer I run the easier it gets. However; the sweating was interesting because I usually do sweat a great deal. I think the humidity level was very low and my perspiration was drying rather quickly. I did sweat but really not that much. I did feel very well at the end of the run. Also the warm sun felt very good as I was running and do hope it stays this way for the rest of the winter. I’m sure we are not done with the cold snaps but I could use a few more days like this one.

Before I go into my daily briefing on dinner I need to mention breakfast from yesterday. Sunday breakfast is essentially the same every week; eggs, (ugh!) roasted potatoes, ham or sausage links, hot cereal, apple, fruit juice and skim milk. Normally I don’t play my vegetarian special meal on Sunday breakfast; however, yesterday there were two large pieces of ham (it is turkey ham because the prison system does not serve pork – there are many inmates who’s religion prohibits them from eating pork.) on every tray as I looked around when I entered the dining hall. I decided to ask for the vegetarian meal to see what I would get. (Usually I would have taken the ham and given it away just like I do the eggs but I didn’t feel like this yesterday). Yes, I got a tray without the ham and was given a double order of potatoes and hot cereal. This worked out very well because those are the two items I do indeed eat. I made a very good decision and again the guys on the food service line did “hook me up”.

Now back to dinner last evening. The main entrée was chicken fried steak with Mexican beans, mashed potatoes, broccoli, salad and an icee treat for dessert. Of course I played the vegetarian special meal and received everything with the exception of the chicken fried steak. I received a double portion of the Mexican beans. The dining hall was rather crowded last night. Usually I receive my tray and go directly to an open table with my dorm mates. Last night we had to wait a few minutes for a table to clear. As I waited near where the rest of the inmates were entering the dining hall to receive their trays I received many comments regarding my tray. My tray was filled with Mexican beans to the point they were dripping off the tray. As each inmate passed my tray (in the line to receive their tray) they commented about the large quantity of beans however; none of them noticed I did not have a piece of chicken fried steak on my tray. After the 10th comment I turned back and said (very nicely not even the hint of sarcasm) “yes I am a vegetarian and don’t eat the chicken fried steak”. The comments stopped after I said this. It is truly amazing how people see what they want to see and disregard everything else.

When dinner was over I was able to trade my James Patterson book for yet another James Patterson book “Cat and Mouse”. I was excited to start reading this book because now I have a lamp so I can see while lying down in my bunk. The lamp did arrive without a standard light bulb but I was able to purchase a 100 watt bulb for $2.00 from one of my dorm mates. The 100 watts is a little much but I don’t have much choice and it is most certainly better than the way it was previously. I couldn’t lie down in my bunk without straining my eyes to read and now it is so much better. I stayed in my bunk all night long and read half the book. It is very interesting reading these James Patterson novels out of sequence because most of the characters are the same throughout the series and some very significant events happen to them later on in the series which I have already read. It is good to get background on these characters and with the way Patterson writes each book does stand on its own. Somewhere down the road I will switch to a different author but for right now these novels work for me. Thankfully the weekend was finally over. (That was a very strange sentence but it is so true for me in a place like this.) I did get to sleep at 10:00 pm because I needed to be up at 5:30 am (my new wake-up time) to start my week on the right foot.

I was able to sleep fairly well and woke up at 5:00 am as the C/O’s woke up my dorm mates who work in the kitchen. I stayed in bed as they got ready for work and when they were finished I got up and performed my daily morning routine. I brushed my teeth, took my vitamins (I not only have a multi-vitamin, I have vitamin C, E, and a B-Complex – this is still a far cry from my normal vitamin intake on the outside but I do feel a difference since I started taking these), got dressed and watch the morning news. Lately the early breakfast unlock has been fairly consistent at 6:45 am. However, this morning it came 10 minutes earlier. As I hurried back to my locker to put away my headphones (to hear the television) the C/O had already opened and closed our door. He did say he would be right back. I have heard C/O’s make this comment in the past to comeback 40 to 60 minutes later so I was very concerned I would miss the early breakfast. (By the way, the C/O was two steps away from our door when I came back from putting my headphones away, which was very exasperating when he didn’t open the door.) Fortunately the C/O did come back 2 minutes later and unlocked the door for me.

I hurried over to the dinning hall to join the rest of the instructors and the class for breakfast. This morning we were told to go into the other dining hall. There are two dining halls, one for the upper tier and one for the lower tier. The dining hall is essentially the same but reversed from the one I normally attend. They are adjacent to one another. I ate breakfast with some of the students in the class and it is neat to see how nervous some of them are about the class. It is my job to aleve some of their fears and my job started early this morning. I did my best to encourage them to do their best no matter what and everything will work out fine. I am positive and do encourage the students but I make them no promises. Some of the inmates are very clever and try to play instructors against the “Coach”. I make it perfectly clear that the “Coach” and only the “coach” controls who passes and who fails. I won’t fall into the trap of having the inmates say to the “Coach” “but Paul said”. No, it is up to them to do their best and try as hard as they can. I will always be positive no matter what but ultimately it is up to the students themselves.

As I was walking out of the dining hall it was time to pick up lunch (Everyday it is the same; after breakfast prior to departing the dining hall everyone picks up their sack lunch.) Each day ever since I was granted the vegetarian meal I carried the slip from the doctor giving me this meal except today. I have gotten to the point over the past two weeks where I haven’t had to show this slip to the C/O because they all know me by sight. As I reported earlier this was not my normal dining hall so the CO who was in charge of the lunches did not know me. I had to go over to his side and retrieve my vegetarian lunch because they were not available on the other side. (By the way, this particular C/O was not exactly cordial when I went over to him last week even though the C/O from the other dining hall had alerted him I was coming over.) It was my turn to receive a lunch and I very politely asked for a vegetarian lunch. (Please keep in mind I am dressed in sweats which state I am a “PFT Instructor”. Most of the C/O’s do hold the instructors in a high regard than other inmates and we are treated nicer.) The C/O responded in a very abrupt manner and said, “Who are you, I don’t know you and where is your slip stating you can receive a vegetarian meal.” I responded most likely (in all fairness) not as politely as previously, “I did not bring my slip and I do apologize.” The response from the C/O was very curt, “I can’t give you one because I don’t know you, you can take a regular lunch or you can go over to the other side and see if that C/O will give you a vegetarian lunch.” There were so many things I waned to say such as, “How many inmates actually pretend they are vegetarians and don’t want to eat meat?” and “I was in here last week and you begrudgingly gave me a vegetarian lunch after inspecting my slip”, but I bit down hard on my tongue and went to the other dining hall. I did see the normal C/O in that dining hall who knows me by sight and he gave me my peanut butter and jam lunch. After finally retrieving my lunch I was pissed (for lack of a better word) and fortunately I had a short walk so I could blow off some steam prior to the class starting. I couldn’t believe what a jerk (for lack of a worse word!) he was to me for asking a simple question. I did let it go after a few minutes because this little run in was NOT going to ruin my day. By the time the class started this incident was dead and buried.

The class started very early at 7:15 am which is very good. There was some confusion at the beginning of the class due to too many chiefs making too many different decisions. We did get things ironed out and I handled the back pace all morning. This is just like the front pace but I am in the back of the pack. We did just about 7 miles of walking and running in the class which felt good. Also the weather again was very nice although the mornings are still a bit chilly with temperatures in the low 30’s. I was able to use my new gloves this morning which were almost too warm because they are wool. The other instructors noticed my gloves (it seems everyone notices everything around here all the time) and really liked them. The class finished around 10:15 am and we had an instructors meeting at the end of class. I was impressed because the “coach” actually knew my name. He calls everyone Mr. followed by the respective last name and he almost pronounced my name properly. I didn’t have the heart to correct him because I was surprised he even knew my name. I think I am progressing rather nicely and each day I feel more and more comfortable. There are many diverse personalities to deal with-not only with the students but the instructors and also the “Coach”. I was used to dealing with many diverse personalities but this is a great test which I do enjoy.

The class was over and I was actually able to have a mid-morning snack thanks to the arrival of my package on Saturday. I was able to have a granola bar and it certainly helped. Also after class I played basketball with one of my dorm mates. It was the first time in a very long time that I shot a basketball. I am far from an athletic person but the sport I played most when I was a kid was basketball. I was fairly good up to the age of 13. After this all my class mates grew past me and my skills somewhat diminished. Playing basketball was a nice change of pace and I didn’t embarrass myself. In fact my dorm mate said “I wasn’t so bad for an old guy.” (By the way he is 27 years old.) I took this as a compliment. As I was playing basketball I sure thought the basket was higher than the regulation 10 feet (it was not) but I think it looks higher because I am older and everything seems farther away!

Oh - The Weekends

Effective yesterday, I was pretty much confined to my bunk. The only times I ventured outside were to breakfast and dinner. As I mentioned previously our morning yard was cancelled due to the “bunk placement inspection”. Last night I had all the intentions of going outside for the evening yard in hopes of placing a telephone call to my mother. The scheduled time I had was 7:15 which is not the best time even though evening yard is supposed to open at 7:00 pm. The truth of the matter is evening yard opens most of the time past 7:30 pm. I was hoping it would open on time because our tier did not have morning yard while the upper tier did. We went to dinner early enough and everyone seemed to be back in their dorms before 7:00 pm. Well, it just wasn’t meant to be because a little before 7:00 pm there was some type of commotion/search on one of the dorms on the far end of the yard. This delayed the yard opening until 7:45 – so much for my telephone call. I certainly have come to terms with these events which are completely out of my control. I can only hope and when those hopes are dashed I must accept it and move on. Sure it is frustrating, but there is nothing I can do about it. I was thinking about going outside and attempting to sign up for a telephone call on Monday evening but I thought better of it and stayed inside.

Today I was given a week’s worth of local Sacramento newspapers and was very content in reading them. I caught up on all the current events all the way up to December 1. This was only the day before yesterday which is a first. The newspapers are passed from dorm to dorm along race lines and sometimes articles and sections are ripped out. For some reason the newspaper never contains the Entertainment Section – I guess someone keeps this section – and most of the overcrowding prison articles are torn off. Other than that the newspaper is somewhat in tact and it is nice to catch up on the outside world. It was a good way to spend my evening after writing the entire afternoon.

Dinner last night was one of those off nights. The main entrée was Chicken ala King over pasta noodles. Of course I received the pasta but not the chicken. Unfortunately, I was given the normal amount of pasta and the standard two tubes of peanut butter. I took the carrots and mixed them in with the pasta to make my own dish. I wasn’t very hungry last night probably due to the fact that I didn’t do anything other than sit on my butt and read and write. The small amount of food was fine and I knew I had some snacks waiting for me in the locker later on. I gave away my iced cake because I could smell the sugar oozing out from it. This is something I don’t quite understand. In our lunch is a sugar-free drink mix which is also served at dinner. The “store” only sells sugar free lemonade and sugar free fruit punch. However, the lunches contain sugar cookies, the dinners have sugar laced cakes and the “store” sells sugar sodas. I just don’t understand the inconsistencies and I’m sure I maybe the only one with the problem. If they want to eliminate refined sugars they should eliminate all the refined sugars – not go only half way – I guess it is just me! People do like sitting next to me because they can guarantee themselves a piece of cake.

I snacked on some tortillas I received in the package which are one of my guilty pleasures. It had been awhile since I had these types of chips and I could feel the grease on my face. Yeah, I know I have a problem and I am trying to deal with it. I also made a peanut butter sandwich later on in the evening mostly out of boredom – not hunger but I could always use the extra calories. I stayed up until 11:00 pm listening to the radio with my new headphones. These are much better than the ear buds I received with the CD player, it does make a difference. I just wasn’t tired enough last night as I normally am. I realize I need some type of physical activity everyday if it is only walking on my non-exercising days. I don’t just like to lie in bed and not fall asleep because my mind does tend to wander. Of course, I gazed at the pictures of my family above my bunk for a really long time. I was wondering what they were doing – which was hopefully sleeping – and how they are doing. This once a week telephone call may not be enough and I need to figure out a way how as to mix in another call. We had another new instructor start this week (my seniority keeps rising) and I noticed he asked the lead instructor if he could sign up for a telephone call while the PFT class was underway. The lead instructor assured him it was no problem. However, for me this is very difficult to do because I want to stay focused on my job and signing up for the telephone call takes away the entire class. Maybe this is part of my obsessive compulsiveness and I do need to seek balance, but right now it is very difficult to sign up for a phone call unless it is a special occasion like my wife’s birthday. I will make sure to do everything in my power that I do call my wife but as always there are those many things which are out of my control which may prevent me from making the phone call.

Hopefully, (I seem to do a great deal of hoping?) I will be able to sign up for a telephone call so I can call my wife on Tuesday afternoon. The morning yard is open right now and if all goes well I should be outside this afternoon. I will do some running today because the weather is much warmer with temperatures in the low 60’s and an abundance of sunshine. I haven’t made up my mind how far I would like to run but I do need to take it somewhat easy because this will be a very full week with the regular PFT class going all five days along with the twice a day PFT Plus class. I will need my energy all week. Obviously, I am looking forward to it because these weekends are the most difficult time of the week due to the idle time which is not good for me. As I write it not only passes the time but helps clear my mind.

Last night I sat in my bunk thinking about my family and how it won’t be for a long time until I get to be with them. Of course, this is my mind playing tricks on me because I know the time will pass soon enough. However, sometimes I do think about how soon is soon enough? Technically, if I were released yesterday it would not be soon enough but I can’t think this way. I must do my time with grace and dignity. I know my family will be there and this makes it all the worthwhile. They are doing well and I know they will continue to do so over the next year. I do want to accelerate my time from here and get to a fire camp so I will know my exact release date. The longer I stay here the longer I am away from my family. I need to expedite my medical examinations so I know where I stand. Unfortunately, all I can do is request and wait. It would be nice to have all this cleared up by the end of this month and this maybe wishful thinking.

I do like my program and how fast the days are going by but the question mark of fire camp is gnawing at me. I would like to have definite answer as to whether or not I will be allowed to go. If for some reason it is no then I will deal with it, but for now I firmly believe I will be sent to a fire camp in the next 3 to 4 months, No matter what happens I will stay positive because everything does happen for a reason.

Locked In

I had the entire morning after the PFT class to work out on my own. I was neglecting my running due to my cold and knew I needed to get in a few miles today. After the class I ran 6 miles. I only intended on doing 5, but I felt fairly good after those and went an additional mile. By this time, the morning yard had been recalled because it was time for lunch. Fortunately, I had one more PFT Plus in the afternoon and after that I could either take it easy or do some more running. I did not want to eat a big lunch so I decided to have a banana with some peanut butter. This worked out very well because not only did it curb my hunger for the rest of the afternoon but gave me some much needed energy for the afternoon. After eating the banana I decided to wash my sweaty sweatshirt and tee shirt. I also decided to put on a fresh shirt for the afternoon session. Normally, I would have changed my sweat pants but I only have one pair for the PFT sessions which are my formal uniforms. This makes it almost impossible to wash the sweatpants during the week because it takes two days to dry completely. This week has been much colder than the previous week and also with the combination of my cold I wore my sweatshirt and sweat pants all week.

Even though I only have one uniform sweatshirt, I can get away with wearing some of my own sweatshirts underneath the proper PFT tee shirt. This makes it easier to keep the sweatshirts clean and fresh during the week but the sweatpants are a different story and I can only “air” them out during the week. I do wash them on Friday afternoons so they are dry by Monday morning. At this lunchtime I started my lengthy laundry process early by washing the sweatshirt and tee shirt. It makes a big difference to take off a sweaty shirt and replace it with a fresh one. I was ready for the afternoon session.

I completed my one rotation in the morning so I had no requirements to do another rotation in the afternoon nor did I have to workout during the class. I was feeling better so I decided to join in on the exercises. I was going along fine and at the very beginning of the second rotation the alarm went off. All of us “assumed the position” for the next 8 minutes. This is the longest I have been down since I arrived here. I don’t know what happened because there was no commotion on our yard so something must have happened on the other yard. It seems like something always happens on the other yard which ironically is the lower level one yard (technically I should be on this yard but it appears I was put on the level 2 yard for a reason – more on this at a later point) and for some reason they seem to have more problems on that yard then we have on this yard. Nonetheless we stayed down a long time and when we were given the “return to normal program” signal over the PA system we started the exercises again. Had this happened during my rotation in the morning I would have started all the way back to the beginning but this instructor picked up where we left off which was fine. I was able to get through all the exercises without any problems.

After the afternoon class I was debating whether or not I should do some more running. I did want to do a total of 10 miles for the day because I hadn’t done much running all week. I set out and did 4 more miles for a total of 10 on the day. I felt myself struggling a little more than I did in the morning so I stopped at 4 miles. It was time to go inside and do my laundry along with taking a shower. Now I do get priority with the shower because I am a “worker” so waiting is a thing of the past on workdays. In fact, yesterday I had to let two of my dorm mates go in front of me because I was doing my laundry in the sink. Sometimes I do my laundry in the shower but when there is a long line I try to do it in the sink. Yesterday, I did all my weekly laundry in the sink and it does take quite a bit of time. I was using my body wash as a laundry detergent because the smell is very nice – aloe and water lily – but I went through a whole bottle very quickly. I only have one more bottle left and the only way to obtain this is through the quarterly package program which I have exhausted until next quarter. Thankfully, we were given our twice a month issue of soap earlier in the day. The soap bar is a little larger than a travel size but smaller than a regular size. The only purpose for this soap is to wash my clothes and save me from using the body wash. This bar of soap most certainly does not smell as good as the body wash but it does get my clothes clean. When I say washing clothes in the bathroom sink is no fun but my only other choice is to wear funky smelly clothes. I would rather have clean clothes than smelly ones. The problem I have with washing all these clothes is finding a spot to hang them on my bunk. I managed to find a place for all of these and by the way the sweatpants are still wet and I washed them over 24 hours ago.

I finally finished washing the clothes and got into the shower. It is lukewarm which is better than cold but I sure can’t wait until I can control my own hot water – oh the little things. After the shower I did another one of those little things which make me feel better, I shaved. It certainly doesn’t sound like much but it goes along way in this environment. My workweek had officially ended and another week is in the books. The calendar turned yet another page to the last month of 2006. The next 30 days can’t pass soon enough but I will continue to approach each day as I have with a positive attitude and purpose.

I decided not to write during the period of after count and until dinner because I needed a bit of a break. I normally write during this time but I decided to real all of the mail I received. My mom has been incredible with the amount of mail she has sent me. She sends me all kinds of articles on the prison system and about problem gambling. She sent me an exceptional newsletter form the National Council on Problem Gambling. I have corresponded in the past with the Executive Director of this organization who is a very kind person and helped me when I was on the “outside”. I was very pleased to read about some pending federal legislation aimed at Problem Gambling. Yes, it is only pending, but I feel it is a step in the right direction for awareness, research, prevention, and treatment of problem gambling. Whether or not it passes remains to be seen and if anyone is interested please do a Google search on HR6009 – the Comprehensive Awareness of Problem Gambling Act of 2006.

The dinner last night made my vegetarian special meal all the more worthwhile. It was Mexican night with beef tacos on a soft tortilla shell. Of course, my tray did not contain any of the beef but it did contain a generous portion of the Mexican rice and beans along with the salsa. I was also given three tortillas instead of the standard issue two for everyone else. I could literally eat this meal four times a week and eat pasta in a marinara sauce the other three nights and be very happy along with being very satisfied. I was stuffed at the end of the meal and the guys on the food service line took care of me as well. It is truly hit or miss with some of the dinners. Sometimes I am just given the two tubes of peanut butter to replace the missing meat and told to move on. Other times I am given generous portions and am very satisfied. I guess it depends on who is working and what the meal is for that particular day. Last night was a very good night and I didn’t need any further food for the evening.

When I got back I decided to write and one thing lead to another. By the time I was finished it was after 9:00 pm and almost time for bed. Last night was not a work night so I stayed awake until after 10:00 pm and went to sleep without any cold medication. I still slept in my full sweatpants, sweatshirt, and socks because I have gotten used to it. It is also comfortable so I will stick with it. I performed my normal Saturday morning routine waking up at a little past 6:00 am and staying in my bunk listening to the radio. As we set out for breakfast the CO had a message for all of us. He told us that the CO’s would be going from dorm to dorm checking to see is everyone was on the properly assigned bunk with the properly assigned locker. Those that were not would receive a write up – form 115. These are very serious and can add to an inmate’s sentence by 90 days. It was very nice that the CO gave us the “heads up” because many of my dorm mates had to move lockers all around the dorm.

Breakfast contained a meat entry and I had to play my vegetarian special meal for one of the very few times. Again the guys on the food service line took care of me by giving me two helpings of farina and a double serving of roasted potatoes. Again, I was very full after this meal and was kind of concerned about whether or not my food would be properly digested in time for my workout. Well due to the inspection of the dorms our morning yard was cancelled and we were effectively locked down for the day.

The CO’s arrived in our dorm mid morning. They checked everyone with their official roster. They only checked a few lockers – not mine or my bunkie’s – in our dorm because our dorm provides very little – in fact – no problems - to the CO whatsoever. Again I have been very fortunate to have been placed in this dorm because we have the proper balance of young and older inmates. The key is everyone does respect each other quite well. Our inspection went well with no problems and everyone on the proper bunk. However, once the CO’s departed - all those who got on the proper bunks went right back to the way they had it before by moving their bedding and lockers to the previous bunks. If there was a surprise inspection many of my dorm mates and many of the other dorms would be in trouble which would be an enormous amount of paperwork for the CO’s and I’m sure their time is better doing something else.

Now I knew I would be locked down for the day so I finished the James Patterson novel – BLACK MARKET which had many twists and turns at the end. I didn’t see any of them coming and once again I enjoyed his novel. After this I decided to take an early shower. I noticed the water was much hotter than when I previously took one most likely due to the fact that no one in the entire yard didn’t take one yet. I enjoyed the hot water even though I didn’t really need it. My laundry was limited to only underwear because there was no sweating today so my shower session went very fast. After this I knew I had to catch up on my correspondences with my very dear friends. I composed five letters this afternoon and it helped me so much both with my thoughts and with passing the time so quickly. It was already 4:00 pm by the time I finished. While I was writing, I was interrupted because my package was retrieved. I was very relieved to finally get some food and real razors along with a lamp for my bunk. I was a little mystified because not everything that I placed on my order had come in the package. There wasn’t a light bulb with the lamp, there wasn’t any shaving cream and some food items were missing. I was happy to receive what was in the package but I do need to speak with my wife to ensure she wasn’t charged for those items that were missing. I received the five boxes of nutrigrain/granola bars and had to have two of the bars as soon as I got them. Again, the simple things in life help so much. I put everything away in my locker and was a little disappointed that those items cost so much. Oh well, now I don’t need any of the fixed items like the lamp, CD player, adapter, extension cord, gloves and my next package for the next quarter should contain mostly food items. I am blessed to have the support so I can receive these items because so many of my fellow inmates don’t have any support at all.

Getting Noticed

Little things in an environment like this go along way. These little things may not seem like much to someone in the “Outside World” but they make my days even brighter. It all started last night as I entered the dining hall and requested my vegetarian meal. The relief CO was the same one last week on Thanksgiving who asked me about not eating turkey, asked me the same question last night but this time it was about chicken. I told him about the vegetarian meal and he said. “You don’t eat chicken?” My reply was no and he asked how long I had been a vegetarian. I said it was 10 years and his response was, “There is nothing wrong with that.” Now this simple statement by the CO may not seem like much in this context, but the manner in which it was said made a difference with me. He said this with absolutely no sarcasm or bias, he was very genuine in making that statement. It was almost as if he was impressed with the fact that I have been a vegetarian this long and am sticking to it. This means something to me because sometimes when dealing with certain CO’s, I forget I am a human being because I am treated like an inmate predominantly. However, with this simple statement, my faith was restored and I appreciated being noticed. As for the dinner, the chicken leg was replaced

with…you guessed it… two tubes of peanut butter – no I didn’t receive any extra mashed potatoes or vegetables because it seems that some days, I do receive extras and some days I don’t. Yesterday was one of those days I didn’t.

I took one more cold pill prior to going to sleep last night because my nose was running slightly. I did have a good night’s sleep for the second night in a row, but I still slept fully clothed with my sweats and socks on because I was still freezing. I normally sleep with a lot less on but lately it has been much too cold and maybe when I get released I will have to purchase some pajamas. I woke up this morning and my nose had stopped running and I was feeling much better. However, my poor – large – nose was very red and raw from all the nose blowing over the past two days. Yet, another unfortunate side effect about being sick here is the lack of Kleenex. In fact, there is no Kleenex available and the next best alternative is toilet paper. Of course, when I used the toilet paper I used the entire roll. The toilet paper is not exactly Quilted Northern or Charmin, it does resemble the very generic one-ply store brands. The problem with using the entire roll was that it was my only roll for the week. Yes, I only receive one roll of toilet paper per week. Fortunately our new roll is delivered on Thursday so my timing was very good. Otherwise, I would have had to borrow or buy a roll. Yes, some inmates hoard their toilet paper and sell a roll for one soup. Remember improvisation at its finest in a place like this!

Today I didn’t have the regular PFT class because according to the coach he had end of the month duties to attend to and class was cancelled. I really didn’t understand this because today is the first day of the month but I wasn’t going to question him. Apparently, there are reports which are due on this day so class could not be held. I didn’t have to concern myself with early breakfast and went to the regular breakfast which by the way was my favorite – pancakes topped with peanut butter ( I wonder what all this peanut butter is doing to my body) oatmeal and a banana. The pancakes fill me up and I am not starving the rest of the day. Yes, I did take the banana out again with no problems. In fact, I had two bananas which made for a very nice lunch. Again, I have resorted to “taking” fruit so I can enjoy it later on in the day. It does make a difference when I have a banana or apple at lunch because it helps to curb my hunger.

I almost forgot I must back up for a minute. After dinner last night our tier had evening yard. I hardly ever go out during the evening but I wanted to sign up for a telephone call so I could call my mom on Saturday. I ventured outside into the 36 degree chill. While I was waiting for the telephone sign up, I was speaking to a few inmates who I have come to know over the past month and as it so happens some of them are in the current PFT class. Two of the inmates came up to me and were asking me questions. I answered them the best that I could to give them some encouraging words. I could tell they were doubting themselves and I tried to keep them very positive. One of them was with another inmate who was in the previous PFT class and he too was offering words of encouragement. He also said some very nice things about me and how the other inmate should listen because I helped him in the last class. I don’t want this entry to sound like I am tooting my own horn but it does make me feel good knowing my positive attitude is being noticed. I was somewhat able to sign up for a phone call for Saturday night but the time of 7:15 pm is very questionable because most times the yard does not open until 7:30 pm.

Sorry for the brief back pedal – but back to today. After breakfast, I had the Friday morning – also the afternoon – PFT class which is the toughest and most physically demanding class of the week. In addition, we do need more instructors because three are leaving after this class and four people were testing in the morning class. Thankfully, I was feeling much better because I would need all my energy to get through the class. There are three rotations in the class and I was assigned to rotation number two. The key to this class is keeping the continuity as fast as possible between the exercises. This does not mean doing the exercises themselves as fast as possible – as I am prone to do – it means not having much downtime in between the different exercises. An instructor who has been doing this three weeks longer than me did the first rotation and during this I noticed his transitions were slow. I made a mental note to myself to ensure that these transitions were quicker. I went through my rotation and I thought my exercises were performed at the proper pace and the transitions were fast. The third and fourth rotations were performed by an instructor who has been doing this five weeks longer than me. Again it seemed that his rotations were also slow.

We finished all the rotations and out of the four inmates who tested, only two remained – the other two gave up during my rotation – and one of those two did pass (more on him later). After the class was over, the lead instructor – the one who is leaving in two weeks – was giving us some constructive criticism. This lead instructor is very detailed oriented and unbeknownst to all of us was timing these transitions of each of the three instructors. His first comment had to do with the transition times. He started saying that when he leads the class, his transition times between exercises are between 5 and 7 seconds. Then he went on to say the two instructors – the ones who had the first and third rotations – had transition times between 12 and 18 seconds. Then he pointed to me, my transfer times were between 6 and 9 seconds which according to him was “not bad”. Again I was being noticed in a positive manner and hopefully all this praise won’t go straight to my head! I do know I am getting more and more comfortable leading the class and any suggestions or comments I have been given, I try my best to implement them.

The inmate who passed the Instructor test this morning was also in the previous PFT class and I recognized him. In fact, I didn’t believe he liked my positive attitude because it seemed during the PFT class he was looking at me sort of funny. Well, I was completely wrong! I went over to him and congratulated him on passing the test and we talked for a while. I told him he was really going to like the job because it is truly a great deal of fun. Then he said, “Yes, I understand and it is something I want to do.” He went on to compliment me on my positive attitude and how I carry myself. He said, “I really like the fact that you are out here everyday with a big smile and encouraging everyone.” I thanked him and told him how it means a great deal to me that he said this.

I guess my positive attitude is being noticed, but as for the “big smile” I don’t know about that part but I certainly try to refrain from frowning. It’s good to hear positive feedback and it’s good to know people are noticing that. This is not why I do it. I do this because it is the right thing to do and it helps me so much get through each day that much easier. I have a time commitment to fulfill with the CDC for the next 19 ½ months and I want to make this time as productive and positive as I can. I am off to a very good start and faced with the alternate of hating my time here and cursing each day as it goes by, I believe I have made the proper decision by staying positive. I can’t fool myself in thinking I can change anyone’s life for the better. Each day that goes by, I do feel good about myself despite that fact that I am 3000 miles away from the three people I love dearly in this world – my wife, daughter, and son. Life will exist outside of this environment in a short period of time and I intend to carry this positive attitude wherever I go because it truly works.