It Really is a Game

I spent the bulk of yesterday evening on the highways toward Los Angeles. A good friend of mine needed a ride to the airport and I agreed to take this good friend. Our location down here in Southern California is strategically tucked far away enough from most of the major airports yet closes enough to be able to get the best available fare. I have always lived within 30 minutes of a major airport until moving to California in 2001 and for the most part this isn’t so bad. I have been fortunate enough to have a job close by the area and not having any need for the airports other than the occasional visitor. I don’t mind taking the trips to the various airports and yesterday evening that trip didn’t go so bad.

This particular airport is about 90 miles away and I guess everything can be put into perspective because when we used to live in New Jersey this would equate to flying out of Philadelphia. Interestingly enough back when we lived in New Jersey this was never an option and we would always concentrate on the nearby airports. Even the airports closer than 90 miles weren’t considered because they were “over the bridge” in New York which seemed to be off limits. Now the perspective has changed so driving 90 miles to the airport is really no big deal and last night it was no big deal.

My friend was taking a quick trip to the east coast and would return in two days. It does seem like a long way to go for such a short time but who I am to argue. I took my friend to the airport and fortunately it was non-rush hour so the trip was limited to 90 minutes. I have taken this trip in the past and it has taken over 3 hours at other times so everything worked out well. I returned home at a reasonable hour and went to sleep.

This was one of those mornings where I had a few things to do before venturing to the gym and my phone seemed to be ringing constantly. This is a good sign because I am starting to get into a “groove” with my new position. It really is all about me making things happen and fortunately I do have a great supporting staff so I have something to fall back on; however; it is me that either makes things happen or doesn’t make things happen. I am in the making things happen category this week and today was yet another good day.

The day took its course and it was time for the weekly sales meeting. I couldn’t stay for the entire meeting because my son had a baseball game. It is my priority to be at every son’s and daughter’s game and today was no exception. I gracefully excused myself from the meeting and headed off to the baseball field. As it turns out my home office is only two blocks away from the baseball field so I was at the field in no time. I even had time to change into my “coaching garb” (shorts an Angels shirt) and today I was even given a complimentary Angels hat for my service as coach. This is all working out very nicely and my son along with his team had another great game.

My son once again went 3 for 4 with three singles, one run scored and one run batted in. His only out was a strikeout and really if any of the players puts the ball in play they will reach base. The majority of outs come by the way of strikeouts but there were a few putouts during the game. My son played right field, third base and catcher. He had a tough inning at third base making a few errors and one of the high pops hit his arm which caused him to cry. He was able to shake it off and I think he was more hurt by not making the play rather than the impact of the baseball on his forearm. After a few tears and my consoling him he was right back in the game and made the ending inning out.

This is a non-competitive venture during the spring and no one is “supposed” to keep score yet each team has an “official” scorekeeper. I don’t understand but the non-competitive unofficial score had my son’s team ahead 12 to 10. The rules are very good for this age group and the game moves along quickly. These games can only last one hour and forty-five minutes by rule and the first two games have been complete in an hour and a half. The key is to teach the kids the fundamentals and some kids understand more than others. An example of this would be one of our players running past second base not knowing he had to stay on the base. We do have a great deal of work to do in the base running department but it is very cute seeing these little guys run the bases without much of a clue.

This was yet another great day and the type of day I had yearned for as I served my sentence. I had to smile during the game because it really is all about having fun. I am sure the competition will commence shortly for my son as the game of baseball gets more serious but hopefully my son will understand it is a game and outside of a life and death situation he will take it for what it is worth. He is having fun even as the ball bounced off his forearm; he didn’t want to come off of that field which I took as a very good sign.

Tickle Tactic

There are those days where nothing seems to work no matter what you try to do. Then there are those days where everything things to work in spite of what you try to do. Today was one of those days where everything was clicking. I purposely took the day off from running because these next few weeks of training are going to be very taxing on my body and I need all the energy I can muster. I did wake up very early and I was awake several times during the night. At one of those points I swear I saw my son enter our room but as soon as I checked the clock (which read 2:24 am) he seemed to vanish. When I went into his bedroom he was fast asleep.

My son does have a habit of sleep walking; however; this usually occurs much earlier in the evening and my wife or me leads him back to his bed. This is a bit frightening because the stairs are very close to our bedroom and as of yet my son has not tried to go down the stairs while he is sleep walking. I do remember my younger sister sleep walking at a very similar age to my son and she did this for an entire summer. It was scary back then and I don’t remember how or why she stopped but she did stop and I don’t think she has any issues with it at this point in her life. My wife and I don’t know what to do other than leading him back to his bedroom which seems to work but last night was more frightening than usual. I could have been dreaming because when I entered his bedroom he was indeed safely tucked into his bed fast asleep.

Yes, I was awake at other times during the night because my mind is becoming more and more active as I think of what I want to do during the day. I have a job which requires some creativity and this is a wonderful change of pace from the past 20 years. I want to build relationships and I am trying to think of different ways to build these relationships which sometimes wake me up during the night. I can deal with the disruption in sleep because it is a far cry from where I was this time last year. I would wake up every hour on the hour for apparently no reason whatsoever as I just wanted the time to accelerate so my sentence would be over. Now I want the time to last forever since I am having so much fun enjoying every moment one at a time. It is amazing how from I have come in just over 3 ½ years and yes; this is all because of recovery.

I was awake but I lay in bed as my son did enter our room at his usual time of 6:00 am. He is such a loveable little guy and I can’t help but to smile as he comes into the room even before the sun rises. These are those little moments and I will be damned if I don’t continue to enjoy every facet of these moments. It came time to get going in the morning and this required the movement of others. Not everyone moves quickly out of their respective beds in our household and even my son was a bit hesitant to get moving this morning. It seems to take a good 10 minutes to get my daughter up and moving. I have noticed that tickling seems to work the best because at the very least she is laughing when she gets out of bed. This is a far cry from her usual grumpy self so I will employ the tickle tactic from here on out.

I took the children to school for a reason. I wanted to see the principal since yesterday the announcements for the GATE (advanced subjects) Program were made and my daughter was not part of this program. She was visibly upset to have not been selected for the program and I wanted to find out the criteria for the program. The principal of the school is a very nice man who is always available. I have not really spoken with him at length in the past until today. I did approach him this morning and he was very cordial explaining how the GATE Program works.

He knew who my daughter was which a very impressive task with over 800 students in the school. As he explained it turns out that the selection process occurred over the past two years for the students and my daughter was attending school in New Jersey during this period. He went on to say that it may have been an oversight that my daughter was not selected and he would look into it especially since my daughter was enrolled in a similar program back in New Jersey. He did explain to me that my daughter is clustered with the “advanced” children in her grade which was very good to hear and my daughter also has the advanced math class. I’m not looking to add extra work to my daughter’s plate all I wanted was an explanation and the very kind principal did explain the process. I don’t know if my daughter will be added to this program at a later point but according to the principal the emphasis is having the children ready for middle school and having them in this program in the middle school is a big advantage. We shall see what happens.

After meeting with the principal I went about my day and as I mentioned everything clicked very well. I was given a “lead” from a co-worker and was informed that this lead had been worked on for the past year to no avail. I took the lead and made the telephone call. This was quite possibly the best telephone call I have made during my very brief tenure with the company. I not only converted the lead into something very positive for everything I think I made one of those “personal” connections.

I would like to say that I said something magical which persuaded this person but the truth is I didn’t do anything magical I was just in the right place at the right time. It was one of those “meant to be” moments and now everyone at the company is very happy. I will detail the specifics when everything is firmed up in the next week or so. Yes, another great day and yes; there aren’t any coincidences, just the way it has been Designed.

"Aren't We All"

The whole “one day at a time” is a fantastic principle and really it makes so much sense not only in recovery but in life as well. I had heard this term prior to entering recovery but really paid it no attention. One of my favorite quotes of all time is from Keith Olberman who would state in response to a sports player getting injured and their prognosis was “day to day”; Mr. Olberman would say, “Aren’t we all.” This would make me laugh well before I entered recovery and now it is very poignant. I do believe everyone is “day to day” and really “moment to moment” since nothing is guaranteed. These are building blocks in the early stages of my recovery now they are the tenets of my recovery which allows me to face life with head held high and a positive attitude.

I like to take this concept to my business dealings and today I started cultivating business relationships one step at a time. I would love to have all the people I needed to speak with in one room at one time which would save an enormous amount of time but then I would miss those moments that occurred today. Today I sat down with a person who I had never met before and we spent 45 minutes talking about recovery. I don’t believe this other person was in recovery but this other person certainly understood recovery very well because they had been dealing with people who fight with their addictions on a daily basis. We also covered the topic of parenting and my goodness we were on the same wavelength.

This was my first face to face encountered with someone in my new position and if this is any indication of things to come I am certainly in the right position. I am technically not selling anything I am just spreading awareness of our company and if someone has a need for a recovery center be it inpatient or outpatient services we can fit that need. I have a wonderful job of sitting down with people and telling them about our services. I am not a big talker and I am more of a listener which is what I did this morning. I went through our services and one thing lead to another and I was listening most of the time we spent together.

In the past 20 years I pretty much sat behind a desk and crunched numbers as an accountant and auditor. This is something I went to college for and the only reason I chose this field was due to the fact that I did so well in Accounting I and II. I figured I could get a job out of college and I was correct. As my career progressed I climbed the “company ladder” and my career was going well. I had that “dirty little secret” which was my undoing but now I realize I want more out of life and this does not constitute crunching.

As I moved up the company ladder and my career progressed I found myself the “go to” person in the office. People would come to me with their problems and I would just sit and listen. Of course I wasn’t fully there mentally as my mind was on the countless wagers I had placed or was about to place among other nefarious activities. However; even with all the extraneous stuff going on I enjoyed listening to people and more often than naught their problems would be resolved. It wasn’t me who resolved these problems; I was a mere facilitator as the solutions came invariably from the person presenting the problem. I remember one person say to me after they had confided something to me that I wasn’t the “typical accountant” and if this was brought to another person they would have been scolded. I wasn’t the scolding type and always thought that everyone should be treated as an adult.

There was a time where management decided to have the hourly staff punch in and out at their breaks. I was part of this management but I spoke out in defense of these employees saying we should treat people like adults and this policy was soon rectified. God knows I have had my difficulties over the years but in retrospect I was most happy when dealing with these non-accounting issues. Now I have the opportunity to work in a field that truly helps people.
Who knows maybe somewhere down the road I will seek a higher degree where I can become a counselor but I still have this driving force wanting to be more involved in the business operations. I have been afforded the opportunity to get involved with the business operations and today was that first step in a very rewarding process.

I was energized all day today because this initial meeting went very well. I went from a great workout to the excellent meeting to a really great day through and through. In my new position I am also afforded the time to spend with my family and this afternoon it was time for my son’s baseball practice. Summer is still holding on here in Southern California and the temperature reached over 100 degrees but this didn’t matter to those 6, 7, and 8 year old boys. All they wanted to do was play and whether it was fielding baseballs or just chasing one another around the infield those little guys had a great time. There is so much joy in these children and I had to smile as the baseball practice turned into a game of tag!!! This culminated a wonderful day through and through.

Amazing Queries

The question, “Why do companies still make cigarettes if they know that people will die from using them?” This was the question posed by my 10 year old daughter at the dinner table last night. I was very impressed with this question and it took me awhile to phrase a response. The people to the rear of us were having a party (yes, another party but at least the hour was reasonable) and the smell of cigarette smoke wafted into our family room which provoked this question. My response was preempted by wife as she went into a discussion on addiction and how it is a very difficult habit to stop. This prompted another question from my daughter; “why would people start smoking knowing they could die?” This was another “WOW” question and I sure hope my daughter maintains these thoughts as those around her choose those bad habits.

We had a very nice discussion how “young” people think they know better than their parents which causes some bad choices like smoking cigarettes. I’m not sure where, how or why my daughter appears to have such a good head on her shoulders but she is certainly on the right road. She is a very mature 10 year old and I don’t mean this from a physical standpoint, I mean this from a mental standpoint. She has always been an “old soul” and has been an advanced thinker. I could equate this to my own youth but she is her own person and what a wonderful person she is turning out to be. There will be some “tense” moments as my daughter goes through her teenage years but I have complete faith everything will turn out wonderful. Thankfully because of my recovery I will be able to enjoy these moments as they come.

It appears Sundays will be the day of rest as Saturdays are filled with activities. Everyone was wiped out this morning and I was very surprised I stayed awake until 11:00 pm last night in spite of waking up at 4:00 am. This was a major improvement and I think having more caffeine than I normally do had something to do with it. Prior to my incarceration and during my incarceration my caffeine intake was severely limited. I must admit prior to my incarceration this was by choice; however; I have read a few articles regarding the positive benefits of caffeine so I have added caffeine to my diet. This has made a difference in staying awake and I am still able to refrain from coffee.

I haven’t had a cup of coffee in 20 years and I have no intention of starting. I do drink tea and I do enjoy the Starbucks chai tea soy latte. Also; I have discovered a healthy energy drink and the only reason I tried this drink is due to the fact that Lance Armstrong endorses it. If there is one person I admire outside of my friends and family it is Mr. Armstrong. He is the epitome of perseverance and anyone who could overcome cancer is a hero in my book let alone win 7 Tour de France’s in a row. The name of this energy drink is FRS and is a breath of fresh air from the multitude of caffeine, ginseng among other ingredients induced energy drinks. The FRS drink does work very well for me and also doesn’t taste half bad.

Anyhow everyone was very tired this morning and even my son slept very late. This gave my wife and I time to watch our Sunday morning standby of the CBS Sunday Morning Program. These are the moments which mean so much for me because I didn’t have a single one of these moments over 19 ½ month span. The highlight of my Sundays were receiving visits and thank God I was able to receive those visits but now the highlight of my Sundays are just hanging out with my family. This is exactly what we did today as there wasn’t any activity planned and it was a great day.

The time came for me to attend the Sunday evening Gamblers Anonymous meeting and it was a very good meeting. There is a wonderful member who doesn’t necessarily attend the requisite one meeting per week because this member is very busy with life. I always enjoy this member’s therapy and it was wonderful seeing this member tonight. The level of the meeting was raised because of this member and there was even a new member in attendance. The focus is always on the new member as the longer term members recount how and why they started attending Gamblers Anonymous. It is amazing how the tenor of the meeting changes with a new member and I had something in common with this new member as we both had our addiction amplified by the internet.

This is a relatively new phenomenon even for Gamblers Anonymous as it was created over 50 years ago. Fifty years ago there wasn’t the internet or the prevalence of gambling throughout the country. Thinking back to 50 years ago the only place to “legally” wager in a casino was Las Vegas; now the casinos are a “click” away. The advent of the video poker machine lead to the label of the “crack cocaine of gambling” but I think this has taken a step further with the internet.

There are people out there who become addicted with the first click of a mouse. These people may have never stepped into the casino in their lifetime yet they have lost their life savings with that click of the mouse. I do believe the principles of GA apply to the internet gambling addiction because for me it is all the same; an addiction while having one’s life goes out of control. I know the GA Program works and hopefully this member will come back for a second meeting because life does get better and better with each passing day in recovery.

Lots of Joy in Muddville!!!

I have often heard the excuse of “I don’t have the time to exercise” and I have taken the position that anyone dedicated to exercise must find the time. Well this morning with softball and baseball games taking up the majority of the day the only time I could find was very early this morning before the very busy day commenced. I was out of bed at 4:00 am in order to get in a 20 mile run so I could be back at the house in time to depart for my daughter’s softball game. I had mentally prepared for only getting a few hours of sleep so when my alarm (yes, I needed the alarm this morning) went off I was out of bed ready to get the day started.

The next few weeks are very intense in my training program for the Long Beach Marathon and today marked the first of a few heavy mileage weeks. Since I had a 20 mile run this morning I had to allow for the 2 ½ hours in order for it to not interfere with the softball and baseball games. I found the time and it was a wonderful run and a fantastic way to start the day. I have less than a month before the marathon and I have logged more miles now than the marathon I ran in June. I still have some work to do in the next month because I was feeling it at the end of the 20 mile run. However; any aches or pains completely disappeared after the 8th mile and I was feeling great from mile 8 to mile 20.

I have read articles on how a marathon begins at mile 20 and having run 6 previous marathons I agree. Sure it is only six miles remaining but after running 20 miles the leg muscles are screaming to stop. The key is to move past the pain and keep the legs moving. I have a few more long runs to accomplish in the coming weeks and I feel great about my preparation for the marathon. I will be ready and look forward to the run. This morning I was looking forward to the very active day on the diamond.

My daughter was first as her game commenced at 9:00 am which meant she had to be there an hour prior. No matter how hard we try we are always 5 to 10 minutes late and today this was the case. My son was the first to awake and I thought with the impending softball game my daughter would have been incentive to get out of bed by herself. No, this did not happen as I had to coax her out of bed and get her going. As I mentioned my son was ready because he gets to utilize the skate park. He had donned all his gear and was ready well before my daughter and wife.

We made it to the field and the morning was cool along with being overcast. This is usually the case in June but the “June Gloom” had moved in this September morning. It felt very nice and didn’t seem to affect the girls on the softball field. My son was all ready to venture into the skate park but since we were there so early the skate park had yet to open. This disappointed my son very much but he kept himself occupied. We tried to find out when the skate park would open but no one had any answers. The skate finally opened 2 hours after our arrival. This made my son very happy and he had a wonderful 45 minutes in the skate park.

My daughter’s team did very well and they won their first game of the season. My daughter didn’t do as well as she did in the first two games but she continues to the hit the ball. Unfortunately she hit the ball at people making two outs. She did drive in a run with her ground out; however; seemed a bit despondent when she popped out to the first baseman with the bases loaded. This feeling subsided as her team did when the game. My daughter puts so much pressure on herself and has very high expectations. It was good to see her enjoying the game with her teammates and there were a few smiles. I guess there can be some joy in Muddville!!

As my daughter’s game ended we headed home for some lunch and prior to lunch I was outside with both of my children taking some batting practice along with having a game of catch. There wasn’t much time to relax because after lunch we had to head over to my son’s game. My son got very quiet after lunch and he informed my wife his tummy hurt. He sat down after donning his uniform and I had a conversation with him. As it turns out he was nervous about his game because he was going to be the catcher. I did my best to alleviate any concerns he may had and basically I told him just to have fun. He did have fun and any concerns he had were eliminated very quickly.

This was my son’s first game of the season and it was a blast. These are 6, 7, and 8 year old little boys and the rules have been modified to accommodate this skill set. Each child is allowed only six pitches and if three strikes occur they strike out. This means there is no walks and either the child strikes out or puts the ball in play. Pitching is performed with a pitching machine which eliminates any issues. I was amazed because no child used all six pitches and either put the ball in play or struck out before the sixth pitch.

I was able to coach third base and the game went very well. My son’s first at bat didn’t go very well as he stuck out but the next three at bats went very well. He had three singles with three runs batted in and two runs scored. His last at bat was the most impressive because with two strikes on him and the base loaded he lined a single to centerfield. I was very impressed and I could see his confidence improving with every at bat. My son did play Little League baseball in the Spring back in New Jersey but he was grouped with 9 year olds which may have been too big a jump. The league out here seems better suited for him and he will learn the game of baseball much better. It was a remarkable day and there was total joy in Muddville.

Getting the Word Out

I need to take some time out for a little clarity regarding the blog. This blog was created over three and a half years ago as I entered recovery and it has chronicled those days since. I have covered a great deal of ground over this time period and often times there are entries which has no reference to recovery. Those entries are the epitome of recovery because it (recovery) is all about getting back to a saner way of life. In the first part of this journey since the blog started was a bit insane with all the uncertainty but there was one certainty that if followed could bring sanity.

This certainty is following the principles of the Gamblers Anonymous Program in my everyday life. I attempt to do this each and every day one at a time. This is a wonderful way to live and now thankfully I am returning to a saner way of life which is why observing my daughter at dinner or just fixing a bicycle have so much meaning to me. I was taken away from these seemingly minor (not so minor!) events for 19 ½ months now I want to embrace each and every one. This blog gives that forum and also keeps me honest. I was all about hiding along with conniving now thankfully in recovery it is all about honesty and integrity.

Enough of the disclaimer on to those “minor” moments in the day; in my new position I am hosting a social network gathering next month and if anyone is in the Temecula/Murrieta area on October 9th and is interesting in meeting a variety of people associated with the health and well being of others drop me an email at paul.delvacchio@gmail.com. It is my hope that there will be a “variety” of people because the last time one of these events was attempted only one person arrived. I have decided to take it up one notch and create the event at a local restaurant where there will be free food. I would hope this would be an incentive for some people and my ultimate goal is to get the name of our company out in the local arena.

I have spoken to many people in the last two weeks and in spite of our success many are not aware of our services. We have had an outstanding national marketing effort which allows us to keep 95% of the beds occupied but there is an underserved market in the outpatient business. In spite of all the woes of the insurance industry there are still some insurance companies that will cover outpatient drug and alcohol treatment. Compulsive gambling treatment is another issue as this is NOT covered by any insurance company in spite of it being a diagnosed psychiatric disorder. (That is another story for certainly another day.)

People can get help but there are road blocks in getting this help. The first road block is admitting the problem in the first place which is just like step one in the Gamblers Anonymous Program; “I am powerless over gambling and my life has become unmanageable”. I’m not sure how someone who is powerless over gambling has a “manageable” life but I guess that is called DENIAL. Anyhow once that first road block is overcome getting help can be tricky. There are incredible 12 steps programs available for most any addiction and at least count there are over 150 of these organizations. Thankfully I found GA when I did and it continues to save my life.

There are people who don’t take to these 12 step programs for a variety of reasons. I have my opinion but I think the most important issue is getting help that it is effective. Our company offers another form of help but is based in the 12 step format. Some people need more one on one assistance in addition or in lieu of the 12 step programs. We can offer this help and it is my job to reach out to the community to make them aware of what we have available so hopefully this social gathering will be a first step in this direction.

My wife is still looking for a job but today she put her wonderful skills to task in order to assist me with some things for work. My wife created a wonderful invitation for the event and unbelievably we didn’t kill each other in the process!!! I would like to think of myself as easy going and I have been told this in the past but I know I certainly have my “moments” which I kept at bay while my wife assisted me with the invitation. It was very cool to collaborate with her on this item and I can say without a doubt once my wife starts something she always finishes. She has a tenacity that most don’t see and she cares so much. I remember talking with her on several occasions during her work career and her emphasis was always on doing a great job. She will be an asset for whoever hires her but now I am happy she was here to help.

We were off to softball practice and once I dropped off my daughter I had to take my son to his baseball practice. My wife picked up our daughter later as my son and I were at the batting cages for some hitting practice. All went well and the team was prepping for tomorrow’s game. I arrived back home but we were going over to our dear friends’ house for a birthday celebration. These are incredible friends and as always we had a great time with so much laughter. While we were there I had another very dear friend help move a television from our house to our dear friends’ house. This was the same friend who assisted moving the television up the stairs.

We had a heck of time moving the televisions up and down in spite of there being three of us. This was a great workout for all of us and thankfully no one was injured, there wasn’t any broken glass and the television stayed in one piece. I am beyond blessed with so many dear friends who continue to do so much for me and my family, I am eternally grateful and today was a wonderful day.

"Apple" and "Mr. Fix It"

“They” (where has this “they” derived from I always wondered but I guess that is another story for another day!) say that the “apple does not fall from the tree” and this was witnessed last evening as we ate dinner. To say my children’s eating habits are lacking would be an understatement but I guess this was inevitable with my “extreme” eating habits along with not really providing them proper eating habits early on in life. Anyhow my children’s eating habits are limited and the foods they eat are limited. Last night my wife made chili and of course she had to make two separate pots one with meat and one without meat. Mine did have meat but it was of the soy variety. My wife prepared the bowls for dinner and put chili on top of the pasta for our children.

This very simple gesture which lead to some complications; my son who eats more items than my daughter protested the chili being in his bowl but after a few minutes of complaining he somehow managed to eat what was in front of him. Strangely enough my son is not a big fan of meat and will not even eat a hamburger so he picked his way around meat but ultimately did finish. My daughter was a completely different story as yes, she too protested but her protest lasted much longer. She is very stubborn when she digs her heals in and last night she held firm for over an hour.

I had to stop and laugh during the ordeal because this was me when I was her age. I have always had picky eating habits and yes, there was the episode where I threatened to jump out the window as a protest to the meatloaf which was served. I never did jump out the window but funny I don’t remember eating the meatloaf. The “apple” was right on the tree last night as my daughter went through the same machinations that I did when I was her age and at one point she put her head down and started to cry. I did have a smile and I do understand where she is coming from but now being a parent I had to show some parental leadership. Finally I gave her a time limit in order to eat the chili and if she didn’t eat the chili in that time she would go to bed hungry.

My daughter as she always does pushed it to the edge and as the time limit approach she ate around the chili and just consumed the pasta. I couldn’t get over the facial expressions she was making as she attempted to eat. It was as if we were making her eat liver and onions and I am sure in her mind this was just like eating liver and onions!! In the end she didn’t finish her bowl of chili but did make a valid attempt. She got an A for effort but an F for attitude. As this was going on I couldn’t help but to think back to my parents and what I put them through with my eating habits, I do love my parents but now I wonder how they never attempted to kill me during these episodes!!!

The early morning came and it was another day. I didn’t go to the gym until much later than normal because I had to vacate my home/office for the morning since the exterminator was scheduled. A few days ago we discovered many ants in my daughter’s room and these ants were streaming from the garage which is below my daughter’s room. We sprayed the usual can of raid but the ants’ number in the thousands and having had these issues in the past also at this time of year we decided the best course of action would be the exterminator. Since it was the exterminator’s initial visit we had to be out of the house for three hours as he fumigated in hopes of killing off the ants. I held off going to the gym since I didn’t have any appointments this morning.

The exterminator arrived and I departed for the gym where I had a very good workout. I did arrive back home in the three hour time period where I went about my work day. At the end of the work day I attempted to be a bicycle repair person. I need to present full disclosure when it comes to anything that involves being repaired. I am not the person who can repair anything and I get excited when I change the light bulb and it actually works. So when I attempt to fix anything my expectations are fairly low.

I had to fix three bicycles and really fix is too broad a term because my bicycle just needs the water bottle holder installed. This was the easiest and lo and behold I had no extra parts. The item actually was firmly affixed to the bicycles and I went on about the next task. The next task was my daughter’s bicycle as her brakes needed adjusting. I have been adjusting these for the past three weeks and today I think I have a more permanent remedy. Again this went very well so I was feeling good going into the third and final task. The final task was the most difficult as I had to repair my son’s flat tire. This was much more involved than the other two tasks but I went in with an open mind.

Of course I had purchase the wrong side inner tube and had to go back to the bicycle store for the correct size but I wasn’t stopping. I continued and was able to get the tire off and install the tube. The fun came when I had to reaffix the tire to the bicycle. It was the rear tire and thankfully this isn’t a “speed” bike but there were still some challenges. I installed the tire but something was not right and an hour and a half later I finally got the bicycle in working order. I need to give myself a little credit because my four letter words were limited and my patience level wasn’t so bad!!! I had my son try out the bicycle several times and fortunately the tire didn’t fall off!! I did actually fix the tire and the bicycle was back in working order. This is a huge accomplishment for me and something I won’t soon take for granted!!!

"Not that Smart"

The evening was much longer than usual because our neighbors to the rear decided to have a concert for everyone to hear!!! Our house is situated on the other side of a cul de sac along with the rear facing an adjacent street. We have more rear neighbors than side neighbors and our house sits at a little higher elevation than those houses in the rear so if we wanted to we have great “peeping Tom” vantage points of four or five houses. Neither my wife nor I are the “peeping Tom” type but this setup is not exactly conducive when one of the neighbors decides to “cut loose” on a Tuesday evening.

When I first walked through the house I sat in the upstairs area admiring the view to the rear because the very large windows gaze out to the mountains. As I gazed out at the mountains the realtor counted the houses in the rear that were in foreclosure along with one of our side neighbors. Several of the houses were vacant when we moved in and still there are several houses that are vacant; however; someone has moved into one of the homes and has been doing a great deal of work. This area is predominantly families so when the people moved into this home a few weeks ago we thought we were getting yet another family. There could be a family in this home but when they first moved in there was a party in the backyard that lasted into the wee hours of the morning. This was a weekend and my wife and I just chalked it up to the family celebrating their new home.

Last night I have no idea what was going on but I could hear the music into well past 1:00 am. Yes, I am an old “fogey’ when it comes to this and after an hour of just listening to the very loud music I had had enough. I ventured into our backyard in hopes of seeing someone in that house but after 15 minutes no one came out. Now the house is literally a quarter of a mile away to the front door if I didn’t hop any fences. I wasn’t about to hop any faces nor was I about to confront them at the front door in the wee hours of the morning. One of my conditions of parole is that I am to have no police contact whatsoever and I do take these conditions of parole literally so I was not about to call the police. This left me no choice other than to hope the music would fade away and a few minutes later the music did fade away and I got some sleep.

In 19 ½ months of my incarceration I was well rested but I’m not sure if I had a good night’s sleep during the entire time. I am such a light sleeper and prison did nothing to change this that just adapted to my light sleeping habits. I do feel bad for my children when they get older and try to sneak into the house because with my sleeping habits they stand no chance!! After the music finally faded away I had a hard time falling asleep which usually happens but I always have wonderful thoughts which helped to put me to sleep.

In the morning I was very tired and this must have been contagious because the whole family had difficulty getting out of bed. Even my son who rises at the crack of dawn was still in his bed well after the time he normally wakes up. Somehow we all managed to get out of bed, get dressed, have breakfast and be on time for school. It was a struggle this morning but we did make it without any incidents or confrontations.

The day seemed to move on by and since it is Wednesday this is the day I venture into the office for the weekly meeting. Prior to the meeting I made it a point to help my daughter and son with their respective homework. I may not be “smarter than a fifth grader” because I really have to stop and think about my daughter’s math homework. I have the percentages and the math down but when it comes to terms such as integers, acute angles and perpendicular lines I have to stop and think. I didn’t want a repeat of her C minus homework the other night so I sat with her correcting each of her problems and hopefully she will do better than the C minus.

My son is a different story and I can see that he is much more intelligent than he lets on. He is having a problem with his reading but I catch him pronouncing the difficult words over the easy words quite often. Also; he seems to be breezing through the math section on his homework even though he occasionally comes up with the 7 plus 7 equals 12 answer!!! If he focuses he will do very well and he will be just great at the end of the year.

I was running a little late as I helped the children with their homework but made it to the meeting with time to spare. The meeting went off very well and afterwards I had a private meeting with a few of the principals in the organization. We talked about a variety of topics and the subject of me being very smart came up. I certainly downplayed this because really I am not that smart especially doing what I did. I didn’t come up with some grand scheme nor do I have all the money hidden.

I was a compulsive gambler looking to stay in action and unfortunately I found a way to stay in action. Thankfully that is all in the past and today is looking wonderful. The conversation turned to one of politics and normally I keep my opinions to myself and this was the case today. However; there is something brewing on the horizon that can be very beneficial and hopefully we will follow this course.

The Dichotomy of the Day

The hum of life is indeed magnificent and today hummed oh so well. My wife and I may have found a television program we both agree to watch and last night marked the second week in a row I actually sat down and watched the program with my wife. The program “Raising the Bar” on TNT is a well crafted legal show produced by the venerable Stephen Bochco of “Hill Street Blues” fame and many other excellent series. I have been intrigued by this show but it does have a great deal of “LA Law” and “Law & Order” similarities. I guess at this point creating something new and fresh with this theme is difficult but as I mentioned the show is intriguing. I think if I do like the second season of “Heroes” and if “Raising Bar” continues to be intriguing these will be the two programs my wife and I will watch together. Ironically both shows air on the same evening (Monday) but with the advent of the DVR we can watch either show at anytime.

This morning I made it a point to walk the children to school. My daughter had asked me yesterday when I would take them to school and I responded with “tomorrow” so this morning I was walking while they rode their bicycles to school. Actually my daughter rode her bicycle while my son took his scooter. My son’s bicycle had a flat tire and I need to fix the tire so he is relegated to the scooter. Often times I believe my son prefer the scooter over the bicycle and he has gotten quite good doing “tricks” on his scooter. The “tricks” consist of jumping over curbs and really just riding on the “edge”.

As we went to school my son was attempting one of these “tricks” on the sidewalk and the next thing I know he fell off the scooter and was sprawled on the ground. I did watch the entire episode transpire but it was something out of a science fiction movie as time seemed to stop for an instance as he fell to the ground. There was nothing I could do because I was a good 20 feet behind him so I was indeed powerless. Thankfully he didn’t even suffer a scrape on his entire body.

He did go down hard and there were some tears but after a brief pep talk he was back on the scooter riding to school. My goodness children are so resilient and I have found as long as I don’t make a big deal of the incident everything seems to progress nicely. This was the case this morning and my daughter was funny because she didn’t see any of the incident and kept asking “what happened?” I explained and to her credit she showed some empathy to her brother but that lasted a few seconds as she just shrugged it off knowing he was okay.

The children were safely off to school and I headed back home. It was interesting this morning because my son’s teacher introduced herself to me even though we had met earlier in the school year which was only a few weeks ago. I guess I have that effect on people!!! I’m sure she was just being polite and wanted to make sure she did introduce herself and I treated it as if we did meet for the first time. I didn’t have any interaction with our children’s teachers while they resided in New Jersey and my perspective is only on the teachers out here in California. These teachers are so nice and yes, I remember my teachers back in New Jersey and for the most part they too were very nice but the teachers out here are a different type of nice. They seem to genuinely care and when my son stated this morning that he prefers the school out here in California over the school in New Jersey I felt really good.

I had to ask my son why he preferred the school out here over in New Jersey and no, it wasn’t because the teachers are nicer it was due to the fact that they get to go outside for lunch and recess. In New Jersey the children were relegated to staying indoors for the duration of the school year and I think this illustrates a very large difference. My son needs to be outside and thankfully we live in an area we he can be outside all year long. This all adds to the overall atmosphere of the school out here because the school campus is designed as just that a campus with entries from the outside. There aren’t any hallways or corridors and each classroom open up to the outside world. In New Jersey the schools were buildings and had hallways along with corridors and all the classrooms were inside that building. It was good to hear that my son was happy being out here because he started his scholastic career in New Jersey whereas my daughter started her scholastic career out here in California. My daughter was looking forward to going back to the school where she started and now my son is reaping those benefits.

The work day went well as I went into the office for most of the day. A colleague was starting and I wanted to be there as we needed to work on a few issues. I have a multitude of things to tend to but I will apply the Gamblers Anonymous Program principles as I will tackle one thing at a time. I know things are going to work out for the very best and there are little hurdles in the way such as being given the incorrect 800 number on my cell phone. I was given the telephone number for our Spanish speaking clients and I was wondering why I was getting all these “strange” telephone calls and now I know why. This slight problem was corrected and now I have a new 800 telephone number presumably for English speaking clients.

With the work day behind me I headed home because my daughter had game number 2 of her softball season. My daughter needed this game because she had a hard day at school. It started with her getting a C- on her math homework because the math homework wasn’t checked properly last night. This does go back to me but in my defense I have an agreement with my daughter that she needs to give me the math homework to check when she finishes. My daughter didn’t finish until it much later than usual and thus the math homework went unchecked. The bad school day didn’t end there as my daughter received a 68% on her science test because she forgot to study. I observed my daughter yesterday as she was doing her homework and I realized she needs a place where she can concentrate on the homework. I noticed my daughter getting distracted very easily and thus losing her place. Yes, she has more homework than ever before but I think if she focuses a little better she won’t be doing 3 hours worth of homework.

Anyhow my daughter had a bad day at school but this all changed at the softball game. My daughter was very down when she came home from school but her attitude changed dramatically when she got on the softball field. I saw a smile and I saw her joking around with her teammates. She seemed to seemingly put the bad day behind her and was being a kid on the softball field. She had a very good game walking her first time at bat where she scored a run and in her second at bat smacked a double to right field driving in a run and she also did score another run. The game was hard fought by both teams and unfortunately my daughter’s team came up one run shy as they lost 11-10. The final score didn’t matter to my daughter because the bad at score had been replaced by a great day on the softball field, my goodness how things can change in only a few hours!!!!

"Desire" is very Prevalent

Yesterday was a day of much needed rest for the entire family. I can see this being a pattern for the next few months as Saturdays as action pack days. I did find the time to attend the Sunday evening Gamblers Anonymous meeting and it was good to go back to this meeting. My intention is to attend at the very least the Sunday or Monday meetings and yesterday was a very good meeting. When I first entered the Gamblers Anonymous Program over three and a half years I was in a horrible way (to say the least) however; now things are anything but horrible and can be categorized as wonderful. All of this is directly attributed to recovery and yes, the program really does work.

When I first entered the program I was attending at least four and sometimes five meetings a week because I really didn’t have much to do but also I needed the recovery. Currently I have many more things to do but I still need the recovery. The only requirement in Gamblers Anonymous is the “desire” to stop gambling. I am hoping this “desire” is with me one day at a time for a lifetime.

I messed up in a big way and the only way for me to have a wonderful life is being focused in recovery. GA gives me this focus and I am forever grateful. This is where the “Science of Happiness” comes into play for me. I do believe the article posted yesterday has much merit and the bottom line for me is I know I have the “option” to be happy or be unhappy. The answer is very clear because happiness begat all types of positive attributes and it is truly a wonderful journey.

Today was a very good day and yes, the cycle of the work/school week started yet again. When I sit down and think about it the manner in which time passes is quite startling. Time passes now matter what and certainly the older I get the quicker it passes. When I served my prison sentence I became a big fan of the passing of time. I wanted more than anything for that time to pass so quickly now I am hoping that time slows down. I know time slows down for no one and it is up to me to make the best of this time.

The day was very usual and did pass very quickly. I relish these moments where I help my son and daughter with their homework along with attending their various activities. I used to be so focused in my gambling exploits I didn’t take the time to really understand the magical meaning of life which for me is my family. I am blessed and continued to be blessed and the only reason I still have my family is because of recovery, wow life is truly wonderful.

This evening there was a celebration at the GA meeting and this celebration was a person I have become very friendly with. The person is my sponsoree and even though I now sponsor two people in the program this person was my very first sponsoree. I am a work in progress at the whole sponsor/sponsoree and I doing my best. I am hoping that I have learned something from my sponsor and mostly I just listen. I do add my two sense but who knows where this all goes. This does help in my recovery and I am once again very grateful to the program for this opportunity.

The meeting went very well and it was a speaker’s meeting. I knew the speaker very well and the speaker did an exceptional job. There were two new members in attendance and the meeting was well attended. The new members do bring me back to my first day in the program and I often happy to see people enter the program without the problems I had when I first entered the program. Hopefully these people will come back and experience the miracles of the program firsthand.

The final part of the meeting was the birthday celebration and of course this turned out to be a “love fest” for the birthday celebrant. We do have many special people in our group and we there is more love than anything else in the rooms. This was the case this evening and as always I departed the meeting in a better spirit as when I entered the room. I also must report on the fact that I went back to my old employer to assist with some of the unfinished business I had left for them. I did what I could and as it turned out there was more appreciation than anything else. I didn’t see it going this way but amazingly everything seemed to work out for the very best.

The Science of Happiness

I am going to do something different for today since it is a Sunday and really a day of rest. I am taking a day of rest from the blog but I wanted to reprint this article I came across today. I find the article very fascinating and although at first glance it doesn't appear to have anything to do with recovery from a compulsive gambling addiction; it does have EVERYTHING to do with recovery from a compulsive gambling addiction. Here is the article in its entirety;

True or false:___ I would be happier if I made more money, found the perfect mate, lost 10 pounds or moved to a new house.

___ Happiness is genetic. You can't change how happy you are any more than you can change how tall you are.___ Success brings happiness.Answers: False, false and false.

IF RECENT scientific research on happiness -- and there has been quite a bit -- has proved anything, it's that happiness is not a goal. It's a process. Although our tendency to be happy or not is partly inborn, it's also partly within our control. And, perhaps more surprising, happiness brings success, not the other way around. Though many people think happiness is elusive, scientists have actually pinned it down and know how to get it.

For years, many in the field of psychology saw the science of happiness as an oxymoron. "We got no respect," says Ed Diener, a professor of psychology at the University of Illinois, who began studying happiness in 1981. "Critics said you couldn't study happiness because you couldn't measure it." In the mid-1990s, he and a few other researchers started to prove the naysayers wrong. As a result, Americans now have an abundance of consumer books, academic articles, journals and associations to help them find happiness.

"Many of us have material things and our basic needs met, so we are looking for what comes after that," says Diener, co-author with his son, Robert Biswas-Diener, of the forthcoming "Happiness: Unlocking the Mysteries of Psychological Wealth." "Materialism isn't bad. It's only bad if we use it to replace other things in life like meaningful work, a good marriage, kids and friends. People are recognizing that those who make money more important than love have lower levels of life satisfaction."

In recent months, the following titles have hit bookstore shelves: "What Happy Women Know," "The Happiness Trap," "The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want" and "Happiness for Two."

Christine Cardone, executive editor of psychology books for Wiley-Blackwell, whose titles include Diener's forthcoming book, points to 2000 as the tipping point: Happiness science began to mushroom and flood society with new, positive ways of thinking. That year, Martin Seligman, then-president of the American Psychological Assn., started the positive psychology movement, which focuses on what makes people mentally healthy. That concept got out to the media, spawning more interest and research. Meanwhile, neuroscientists were discovering better ways to measure what's going on in the brain.

"Popular interest in happiness is only one driver," says Seligman, a psychology professor at the University of Pennsylvania and director of the Positive Psychology Center there. "The books are coming out because the science is coming out." Academic publications have enjoyed a similar boon. Between 1980 and 1985, only 2,125 articles were published on happiness, compared with 10,553 on depression. From 2000 to 2005, the number of articles on happiness increased sixteenfold to 35,069, while articles on depression numbered 80,161. From 2006 to present, just over 2 1/2 years, a search found 27,335 articles on happiness, more than half the 53,092 found on depression.

The field of happiness also now has its own publications -- the Journal of Positive Psychology and the Journal of Happiness Studies -- and its own professional organization, which Diener started last year. The International Positive Psychology Assn. for academics and scholars already has 3,500 members.

The trend shows no signs of slowing. Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor of psychology at UC Riverside and author of "The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want," believes that's because happiness is like the Holy Grail. "People around the world want it. If you ask people what they want for their children, they'll say for them to be happy. It's in our Declaration of Independence. It matters to and affects everyone."

Among the major findings of the last decade is that the pursuit of happiness is a worthy cause, Diener says. "Happiness doesn't just feel good. It's good for you and for society. Happy people are more successful, have better relationships, are healthier and live longer."

Seligman adds, "We've learned in 10 years that happy people are more productive at work, learn more in school, get promoted more, are more creative and are liked more."

And if that doesn't make you happy, here's more happy news: Around the world, happiness is on the rise.

Beyond your genes

Great if you happen to be one of the people born happy, right? Not exactly. Another major finding is that about half of our tendency toward happiness is genetic, while the rest is controlled by the individual.

Lyubomirsky and her colleagues analyzed studies on identical twins and other research and came to the conclusion that happiness is 50% genetic, 40% intentional and 10% circumstantial. "Half of your predisposition toward happiness you can't change," she says. "It's in your genes. Your circumstances -- where you live, your health, your work, your marriage -- can be tough to change. But most people are surprised that circumstances don't account for as much of their happiness as they think.

"Life circumstances don't result in sustained happiness, she said, because we adapt. That new car, promotion or house feels great at first. Then we get used to it. An old but often-cited study found lottery winners were no happier than control groups after a year. That doesn't mean that getting out of a bad job or a terrible marriage won't give your happiness a boost. But sustaining that good feeling requires something else: deliberate control of how you act and think. That's the 40% intentional part that Lyubomirsky and others are most interested in.

In her research, Lyubomirsky led controlled studies to determine what behaviors positively affect happiness, and has come up with at least 12 strategies that measurably increase levels. For instance, one strategy she's tested is the practice of gratitude. In her gratitude study, she had a group of 57 subjects express gratitude once a week in a journal. A second group of 58 expressed gratitude in a journal three times a week. And a control group of 32 did nothing. At the end of six weeks, she retested all three groups and found a significant increase in happiness in the first one. (The participants who journaled three times a week showed less change, perhaps because the exercise didn't feel as fresh, she theorized.)

She and other researchers also recommend practicing forgiveness, savoring positive moments and becoming more involved in your church, synagogue or religious organization. "Not every strategy fits everyone," she says. "People need to try a few to find which ones work."

Happiness defined

Although Lyubomirsky likes to let people define happiness for themselves, clinically, she describes it as "a combination of frequent positive emotions, plus the sense that your life is good."

Seligman, who has written several books on the subject, including the bestselling "Authentic Happiness," says it's the pursuit of engaging and meaningful activities. By engaging, he means being in a state of flow or "at one with the music." You get so absorbed in what you're doing that you lose track of time. But one person's flow is another person's torture. What puts you in a state of flow is usually an activity that uses your strengths and talents. It's even better when it's part of your work.

"Meaningful" would be using what you're best at to serve others or to participate in a cause that's bigger than yourself. (To find out what you're good at, or your strengths, Seligman offers a free survey on his website, www.authentichappiness.org.)

"Your purpose doesn't have to be giant," says Dan Baker, a psychologist who founded the life enhancement program at Canyon Ranch in Tucson and is the author of "What Happy Women Know." "If you're 17, your purpose can be getting into the college of your choice. When you're a parent, it can be getting your kids off to school safely and prepared for each day. You don't have to adopt a Romanian orphan or build a church in Chile."

What happiness isn't, Diener adds, is getting everything right in your life. "A man might think, 'If I get the right education, the right job and the right wife, I'll be happy.' But that's not how it works. For instance, once basic needs are met, the effects of income on happiness get smaller and smaller. That's because happiness lies in the way you live and look at the world.

"If you have no goal other than your personal happiness, you'll never achieve it. If you want to be happy, pursue something else vigorously and happiness will catch up with you."

External factors

Although happiness is largely up to the individual, new research shows that what's going on around you -- specifically how much personal freedom you have -- also plays a role.

In a paper published in the July issue of Perspectives on Psychological Science, lead researcher Ronald Inglehart, a professor of political science at the University of Michigan, refuted the long-held belief that happiness among societies is constant. His research concluded that significant and enduring changes in happiness can occur not only for individuals, but also for entire societies.

The study, which Seligman calls the best he's seen on happiness in five years, analyzed polls taken from 1981 to 2007 by the World Values Survey. The surveys consisted of 88 countries containing 90% of the world's population, and measured happiness and overall life satisfaction. Among the 52 countries that completed all the surveys over the 17-year period, happiness rose in 45 of them, or 86%. In six countries, it declined, and in one (Australia), levels showed no change. Overall, happiness increased 6.8 percentage points.

Inglehart credits economic development, democratization and increasing social tolerance for the happiness bump. Economic gains that bring more food, clothing, shelter, medical care and longer life can result in a substantial increase in subjective well-being for poor societies, he says.

But once a society reaches a certain threshold, further economic growth brings only minimal gains. Among the richest societies, increases in income are only weakly linked with higher levels of subjective well-being.

While economic growth helps promote happiness for some, democratization and rising social tolerance contribute even more. Democracy provides more choice, which promotes happiness. Support for gender equality and tolerance of people who are different from oneself are also strongly linked, not just because tolerant people are happier, but because living in a tolerant society enhances everyone's freedom, Inglehart says.

The fact that happiness and our understanding of it are on the rise bode well. "In the future, more people will understand the nature of happiness and its process," Baker says. "They will understand that they have to take an active role if they want it."

Apparently, more people around the world are getting that message. "It's true," Seligman says. "We're happier. And more happiness in the world is a great thing."

health@latimes.com

"Player of the Game"

It all begins today and how wonderful it is with this beginning. Today is opening day for my daughter's softball team along with being a practice day for my son's Little League team. My son has his opening game next week. In preparation we all took it easy last night after my daughter's practice. By taking it easy we had our dear friend's children over and I swear sometimes it is easier to care for four children instead of two!! The children were very good and any disagreements were worked out by them. My wife and I actually watched a DVD for the first time since we all came back from New Jersey.

Thanks to a very generous person we have a subscription to Netflix and we watched our first selection while the children watched the other selection. The children watch "Underdog" which apparently was a new movie based on the cartoon series when I was a child. My wife and I watched a few episodes of the second season of "Heroes". I did get hooked on this show while I served my sentence and was the only series I had watched in the past two years. I didn't have the opportunity to watch the second season and with my wife wanting me to pick one show where we could watch together I figured I would see what happened last season before committing to this season.

On the DVD were three episodes and I had to tap my memory bank as to what had happened prior to these episodes. I remembered most of the storyline and I am somewhat intrigued to the current storyline. I do think the earlier episodes which got me hooked on the series were much more captivating but I will be patient to see where the next 9 shows go. We watched two episodes last night and it was a very peaceful evening.

The morning came with me getting up very early so I could get in my workout. This is an "in between" week during the training regimen and thus there wasn't a scheduled long run today. This was just as well for me because my legs needed a "rest" week and this gave me more time to get home this morning before my son's practice. The run went very well and I was home very quickly so I could see my wife and daughter off. My daughter had her opening day ceremonies this morning which I could not attend because I was with my son at his practice. Thankfully there are two of us and I have no idea how my wife did this by herself for the past two years.

My wife and daughter were out the door and a few minutes later so were my son and me. My daughter had team pictures and the opening ceremonies while we were at my son's practice. My son's practice went very well and I think I found a position he really enjoys. I had been thinking about this for awhile and when the manager asked if I would take the kids who wanted to catch it all clicked. I asked my son if he wanted to play catcher and he jumped at the opportunity. He loved putting on the equipment and when the pitching machine threw him a few balls he didn't do half bad. Compartively speaking to the other boys on his team my son did very well. Some of the boys couldn't get the catcher's mitt on the baseball where my son even caught a few of the pitched balls.

My son needs to be in action all of the time and I think playing catcher would fit this bill. He was all over the backstop and when some of the boys couldn't take it after a few pitches my son wanted to catch a second time. I spoke with the manager and my son will split the catching duties with another boy; this made my son very happy and seems like a perfect fit. The practice went long because we were trying to give each boy the opportunity to catch and we finally finished with everyone 30 minutes later than usual. It was a very good practice and in spite of the very warm temperature (100 degrees) everything went well.

As the practice ended we had time to go home for some lunch and give my son a few minutes rest before departing for my daughter's softball game. We did depart and I went to my daughter's game while my son went over to the adjacent skate park. This has been the routine as my daughter had practice and my son occupied himself at the skate park.

It was opening day and the teams looked great in their full uniforms and wonderfully decorated banners. As I mentioned it was very warm but the girls didn't seem to mind. The game got underway and my daughter's team was having a difficult time getting the other team out. Thankfully there is a four run rule and the moment the other team scored four runs in the same inning that inning was over. Needless to say my daughter's team was down 4 to 0 before they even got a chance to hit. Unfortunately for my daughter's team they couldn't get any runs and before they knew it the score read 12 to 1.

My daughter's first at bat didn't go so well as she struck out with runners on second and third. Her second at bat went very well and with two outs she lined (and I do mean "lined") a single into centerfield. This was her first hit and the team's first hit for the season. She hit the ball so hard that the coach on the other team remarked, "great hit!" She did come around to score and was all smiles as she crossed home plate.

The final score read 12-3 but this didn't matter and when it came time to give out the "Player of the Game" the coach handed my daughter the placard. This brought more smiles to her face and my daughter's coach also commented on what a great hit it was. I thought this was so cool and when I saw the placard with my daughter's name on it I had tears in my eyes. This may seem corny or a bit over the top but I had goose bumps. I missed the past two years and I missed these incredible moments but all thanks to recovery these moments are here to stay and I will savor each and every moment. It truly was a fantastic day.

Recovery Focused Life

There is something that has been on my mind for the past week and I wanted to take the time to share some of this. Six months ago I was released from prison for crimes committed as a result of my compulsive gambling addiction. I have been extremely fortunate in the past six months which started off with dear friends taking me into their home where I stayed for a number of months. I was also able to take position with another member from Gamblers Anonymous where I worked up until last week. In July I was able to fly back to New Jersey and drive with my family as we reunited. This week I started a wonderful position with another good friend who I met all because of recovery. All of the previous sentences have been made possible because of recovery. I owe everything in my life to recovery because without it I would be nothing and in very bad places.

In Gamblers Anonymous we read it all the time where compulsive gambling takes people; “prison, insanity or death”. I talk about it all the time that I have been insane and have been to prison so the next step for me would be death; however; thankfully due to recovery I shouldn’t to experience death for a very long time; God willing. This brings me to what has been on my mind for the past week and it all goes back to my previous employer. I had no choice but to move on because things weren’t very good financially and not being paid in three months does have its limitations. Over that period of time I became much disenfranchised with my position and didn’t do my very best. I departed last week having left a few items unfinished.

I would have thought my employer would have wanted to know what I had completed or not completed but this was not the case. I informed the person I thought who would be taking over the position about the unfinished items. Apparently this person is not responsible for these items and I got word yesterday that my previous boss was not happy with what I had left. He has not called me to talk about this and I have been concerned with this over the past week. I know from a business standpoint I can justify my actions but not from a recovery standpoint. I didn’t do my best and this has been bothering me. I tried to communicate what was needed to get down but this fell on deaf ears.

I really feel bad for my previous employer because the situation is dire in a business sense. Once again I tried to offer my assistance but this too went nowhere. I think what bothers me the most is my actions because they weren’t the right thing. The right thing would have been to complete all of the work handed to me regardless of being paid but I had trouble separating those two issues. I would offer my services to complete these tasks but I understand someone is currently working on these things. I think my mind is getting the best of me and I need to let this all go. It certainly is what it is and life will continue to take its course. This has served as a learning experience for me and I need to be more mindful of recovery in all aspects of my life.

I am having a hard time getting into an early morning workout routine. I want to be home when the children wake up which requires me to either go to the gym very early or go when they children leave for school. I have been opting for the latter over the former all week long and today was no exception. I do have a great deal of latitude with my position but I want to get into more of routine. I have come to learn that these routines help tremendously and when I lack a routine I get myself into trouble. Anyhow I was up with the children and it is very special when my son comes into our bed with us when he alarm goes off at 6:00 am. I’m not sure why he sets his alarm so early but I won’t argue since he is so very loveable even at this early hour of the morning.

The children were awake and ready for school. Things haven’t changed as my daughter waits until the last minute to come downstairs and today she only had enough time to eat half her bagel. She does push it to the limit whereas my son is done with breakfast and outside playing on his scooter even before my daughter gets dressed for school. It is such an interesting dynamic because my daughter and son are very much alike yet they are very much different. I love finally being here for these types of moments because to me that is what life is all about.

The children were on their way to school and I was on my way to the gym. I had a very good workout this morning and I am amazed how the gym attendance dwindles as the week where’s on. This is very much like January when everyone makes their New Year’s resolution only to fizzle out in the third week of January. It appears people are gung ho early on in the week but not so much later on in the week. Today the gym was very empty which doesn’t really matter to me either way.

I go about my exercises and then jump on the treadmill for a 9 mile run this morning. The run was good and once again those aches and pains dissipated after the second mile. I do have so much respect for those elite runners who log between 25 and 30 miles per day. This puts it all into perspective for me because on average I run between 35 to 45 miles per week let alone in one day. I finished my rather pedestrian 9 miles with a very good sweat and it was on to start the day. The day was once again not all that productive but I did have some time to get into the garage to finally clear a space to the refrigerator. I cleaned the refrigerator and at least now the children can have cold beverages!!!

"Asterisk?"

Yesterday evening I had a meeting to attend so my wife had to take the children to their respective practices. Fortunately my wife knows one of the other mothers on our daughter's softball team who also happens to live nearby so she was able to take our daughter to the softball practice. My wife took my son to his baseball practice while I attended the meeting with my new company. The meeting went extremely well and this is a very well run company. They are coming off a record breaking month and the early part of this month shows no sign of this stopping. I will learn a great deal from the people at this company and I am very excited at the prospects which is exist. On the flip side it is sad to see so many people needing help with their respective addiction; however; being in treatment is certainly a huge step in the proper direction.

There are two sides to this business and it is clear the folks who run the company understand these two sides very well. Clearly this is a business and all businesses need to make money in order to survive which is one of the sides and the other side is clinical where the treatment happens. I am more exposed to the business side but I doubt if the clinical side wasn't holding up their end of the bargain business wouldn't be doing so well. This was a vast change from the previous six months which tried to emulate this business model but unfortunately failed. I am grateful for that opportunity but that is now in my past and I am continue to learn all I can each and everyday.

The meeting ended and I headed over to my daughter's softball practice. She was scrimmaging another team in preparation for their first game on Saturday. If this scrimmage is any indication of the games we are in for a long season or I should say some long games. I know each league has certain rules to speed up the game and last night the "four run" rule was invoked which means when any team scores four runs in an inning that part of the inning is over and the other team gets a chance. Each team seemed to score four runs and after 2 hours only 2 1/2 innings had transpired so these games have a good indication of lasting a long time.

My daughter played mid-fielder and shortstop and got up to bat twice walking each time. It appears the pitchers on both side need some work because finding the plate was a premium. I know my daughter really wanted to hit the ball but much to her credit she didn't get a pitch to hit seeing 8 consecutive balls. My daughter asked me who won at the end of the game and I said I had no idea and it really didn't matter since it was a scrimmage. She understood and we had a good conversation about the game. I tried my best to impart any softball wisdom I may have and my daughter seemed receptive. I wasn't the best baseball player many years ago and really I was very bad; however; I do understand the game and the nuances associated. For the most part I keep my mouth shut and pick my spots. I don't want to be one of those overbearing parents where the poor child doesn't know which end is up.

The evening ended and I was up this morning ready to make my once a month trip which serves as a "reminder" that I am not exactly a free person. At the end of last month marked my six month since my release and I had heard from other people who have gone through this similar situation that this represents a "change". Also; on my last visit I was told that I am approaching an "asterisk" and if all went well in that month something would change. I didn't know what that something was until today.

I am very happy how everything has worked out and the relationship I have cultivated. I did have to ask the question about the "asterisk" and what it meant. It was a good thing I brought it up because I was instructed that I am no longer required to make this monthly visit and I am allowed to "mail-in" a form each month. This is the same form I have filled out over the past six months and it has all my pertinent information such as name, address, telephone number along with work address and work telephone number. This form is due by the fourth of every month and I grabbed a few copies which will be there prior to the fourth of the month.

This was great news and means I am one step closer to truly being a free person. I certainly don't mind making the drive each month but not having to go is a great sign. This is certainly a reminder of where I have come from but it is also a sign of where things are headed. The key for me is to never forget these reminders but by the same token I cannot dwell there. This is a fine balance and thankfully in recovery I continue to achieve these balances.

The rest of the day went very well and as part of my job I had to attend a "mixer" held by the local Chamber of Commerce. I have been to these mixers in the past but not in this capacity. I was there to network and believe me I wasn't there for the food!! Since I am very picky about my diet I didn't indulge in what others would consider "good food". I must say this was a planned event and I did meet one person who guided me in the right direction. There will be many more of these events in the course of my employment and even though I am not exactly the "social butterfly" I can listen very well. The problem becomes me having to talk more than listen which is something I will work on at these types of events. Yes, today was yet another one of those very good days in every way.

Political Ramblings

Today was day number two at the office/home. I need to come up with a much better routine and need to treat this just as if I am going into an office. I have broad guidelines to adhere to and thus a great deal of latitude into my position. This isn't the typical 9 to 5 job and some days will be much longer than other days. My success is predicated on cultivating relationships and thankfully I work for people who understand these things take time. It also helps knowing the "bread and butter" of the business model is doing extremely well. If there is a model I would emulate it would be this model and I can see why the business is prospering.

I was at the gym this morning and my workouts have turned into running sessions and I am putting the weights on the back burner as I progress toward the Long Beach Marathon. I did register for the marathon over the weekend and even booked a room for the four of us at a very reasonable rate. The marathon takes place on October 12th which is my mother's birthday and 2 days after my wife's and I 16th anniversary. I know enough to have gotten advance permission to run in the marathon especially so close to our anniversary and did receive this permission. I doubt this is my wife's idea of a "perfect" anniversary weekend but she didn't hesitate when I asked her about the marathon.

I am training more intensely for this marathon than the previous marathon and when I ran the 18 miles over the weekend I felt great. This feeling didn't last very long as this week is an "in between" week with moderate runs and lower intensity runs. However; I seem to feel worse this week as opposed to last week where I ran much longer and harder. Yesterday I had a headache all day which is a rarity for me and my lower back was hurting as well. I am 43 years old and there are days where I feel much older; yesterday was one of those days.

I woke up feeling much better this morning and ventured to the gym for the moderate run. I do find it fascinating when I run with aches and pains. Invariably these aches and pains go away after the second mile and won't return until well after I have completed the run. The endorphins along with the blood flow mask the pain and just like the GA meetings; I seem to always feel better after I run and this was the case today.

Instead of going into an office I went home to my home/office to start the day. Today was more productive than yesterday which is a step in the right direction but I still need more focus. The real test for me comes when I am out and about meeting with people. I do look forward to this and know everything will work out for the very best.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention the Republican National Convention and the speech made by the Vice Presidential candidate. I must preface this saying my political leanings are all over the place and my Facebook page states my political affiliation is sometimes left and other times right. I have friends on both sides of the spectrum and as a child I was a big fan of Richard Nixon. (That shouldn't surprise many people!!)

I believe in the right person for the job and didn't vote for Arnold Schwarzenegger during the recall election. My candidate finished a distant third. With all of that stated I have no idea what to think of the Republican National Convention and the speeches made tonight. I have to admit I have been Rudolph Giuliani fan ever since he was running for mayor of New York City in the early 90's. He lost that election but eventually took office 4 years later. I think he is a very good speaker but will never win higher office because he probably has more baggage than me!!! I thought his speech did what was intended and so did the VP candidates speech. These speeches weren't designated for substance and I think both sides lack this characteristic.

I am sitting out this election not by choice but by a matter of law. Thankfully we ex-convicts out here in California don't lose our right to vote forever; I only lose this right as I serve my parole which lasts 7 more months. I honestly don't know who I would vote for in this election and really my vote out here in California is already spoken for as Senator Obama should carry the state handily. I have stated this before and will state it again whoever wins the election is in for a long hard four years. This is one of those down cycles and I think a case in point is the late 70's when President Carter took office. Hopefully we won't see interest rates over 20% but it is not going to be easy. I will sit on the sidelines and just observe which is okay with me.

"One More" First Day

Sad to say I have had many a “first day on the job” but none like today. I didn’t have to shovel snow at the dawn’s early light nor did I have to traverse state lines when I first started my career over 20 years ago. Wow; has it really been that long and yes, I guess it has since I recently received notification of my high school graduating class’s 25th reunion later this month. I won’t be attending that event and I haven’t attended any of the reunions to this point.

I never had an inclination to go across country for those reunions and even though things have “changed” for me over the years I won’t be attending the 25th celebration for a variety of reasons. The first reason would be needing permission to travel which I went through not that long ago and this isn’t a priority. The second reason would be I’m not sure I really want to go. I haven’t exactly kept in touch with anyone from high school and there are only two people I would want to see. I strongly doubt these two people would be in attendance at the reunion so I won’t be attending the reunion.

Sorry about the little digression now back to my first day on the new job. I alluded to my first day back 20 years ago when I started with a Big 8 Accounting Firm in New York City in January and yes, I had to shovel snow that first day and walk past the New York Times Building which read 8 degrees. A great deal has changed in those 20 years and my commute has lessened considerably going from the bedroom to the downstairs area. In this day and age many people work from home because really all one needs is a telephone, fax, and computer. I have all three at my disposable and now I work from home. I do need an area to work from because our current set-up is not exactly conducive to productivity. I will convert the guest bedroom into an office and it will be just like going to a “regular” office each and every day.

I wasn’t the most productive today but I did make a few telephone calls and handled some administrative tasks. I needed to order business cards and other business literature which was handled very professionally. I work with people who really understand the business and are providing all the tools needed to succeed. Now it is up to me to make things happen and I know things will happen for the very best.

The day went by very quickly and seemed to disappear before my eyes. I have worked in an office environment my entire career with the exception as I helped a dear friend prior to my sentencing. Also; I have been predominately in the finance field for those 20 years with a minor exception early on in my career. Now my focus is on marketing/networking. There is a void to fill and I have been given direction to fill this void. I intend to fill the void and I am very much looking forward to meeting and greeting people in my new position. Originally I was going with the title of Marketing Consultant but an “ah ha” moment occurred and I came up with “Community Outreach Director” which to me sounds much better. I really don’t care about titles but I think others do and this conveys a much better message as I am reaching out to the community.

Day one was a good day even though it was a bit sluggish and I see things picking up very quickly. This is all on me and I know this will work out for the very best. Once again I am genuinely grateful and appreciative for this opportunity. This opportunity has all been made possible by recovery because without I wouldn’t be writing this and God knows where I would be. In recovery I am right where I am supposed to be and I am eternally grateful!!

Good Friend is "Out"

I was supposed to resume my collegiate career on Friday with a local online university. I had spoken to one of the counselors at length over the past few months going over my previous college transcripts. I was hoping to obtain more credit for those classes taken many years ago but that wouldn’t be the case. I thought I would go ahead and resume my studies with this university but with classes to commence I decided to pursue a different online university. I got one of those “weird” feelings about this particular university because the closer it got to the classes starting strange things were happening. The counselor I was dealing with mysterious disappeared and all of the sudden I was dealing with the Director. I was given some pre-assignments which I completed but didn’t receive any feedback.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense but I have chosen another university which is nationally accredited and I feel more confident in this university than the previous one. This could be construed as me delaying once again what should have been accomplished many years ago and who knows this maybe the case. I want to feel comfortable with the university and bottom line is I just didn’t feel comfortable. If all goes well I will resume my studies next week. I would be remiss to thank my two friends who wrote letters of recommendation for me and yes, this was one of those things I just didn’t understand why I needed a letter of recommendation to attend an online university.

Today was a very special day for a person I met over one year ago. When I arrived at the fire camp last year I met a very special friend and today is the day of this friend’s release. I do know exactly what he is going through because over six months ago I experienced those same emotions. The prison system is not designed for people such as this friend and I along with my friend stuck out like sore thumbs all through the process.

This is not to infer we are better than anyone just different inside a system that is “foreign” to most people. My good friend survived his 29 months stay within the system and today the odyssey ends. He has to be elated, relieved, happy, and all the emotions in between. This is a good person who was put in a very bad situation; however; selfishly I am glad he was in this position because now I have a very good friend. Hopefully once I complete my parole in just 7 months we can reconnect as dear friends would but for now a big congratulations and I know everything will work out for the very best.

Today was one of those lounging around the house days and everyone just took it easy. Nothing earth shattering happened today and it was just one of those very lazy days. I was gearing up for my first day of work tomorrow and working at home may have it positives and negatives. I don’t exactly have an office setup in the house and this could be problematic since structure is a good thing. I think this first week I will be feeling my way around and ultimately I will probably use the downstairs bedroom as an office.

This evening I made my way to the Gamblers Anonymous topic meeting and even though the attendance was down most likely due to the Holiday the meeting was just what I needed. I have gone down to one meeting a week over the last few weeks and I can feel the difference from when I went to four meetings per week. I am doing my best to achieve balance in my life but I am mindful that recovery is the foundation of my life because without it there is no life. There is a long time member in GA who states, “GA is a huge part of my life but is not all of my life.” This makes sense to me because again the balance quest comes into play. If I am full throttle with GA this could be construed as a good thing but other facets of my life such as my family will suffer.

My family has suffered enough because of my misdeeds and I want to end any suffering which is why I walk that line between; family, recovery, work and all the other parts of life in between. Make no mistake my life is wonderful and good things continue to happen all due to recovery. I know that in order for me to continue to recovery GA must be a part of my life. My new position has me talking about recovery to people who don’t necessarily understand recovery which will also help in my recovery but there is no substitute for Gamblers Anonymous.

The meeting tonight brought back focus in my life as the topic was “When did you cross the invisible line?” I know I crossed that line at conception because being a compulsive gambler is in my DNA. As a dear friend says, “I am hardwired to gamble compulsively”. I don’t know any other way so for me there is no choice which is to not gamble and practice the wonderful principles in GA. This all leads to a great positive wonderful life.