Fog

I am so glad I have the ability to write each day especially yesterday when I was in a bit of a funk. But when I finished writing I felt so much better. Also, after completing the blog, I was able to compose a letter reflecting the importance of GA in my recovery. I have no idea if this letter will help the recipient, but it certainly helped me. The amazing part about recovery is the more a person gives the more he is helped. I tried my best in this letter to emphasize serenity which is a key component of my recovery. This concept was foreign to me some 21 months. How each day I look to the Serenity Prayer to get me through and it always does. I have pointed out time and time again how so many events are out of my control and thankfully I do accept serenity. That carries me through this journey and it will carry me through my lifetime.

I was able to run during yesterday’s afternoon yard. I was also able to sign up for a telephone call Tuesday afternoon just in case I couldn’t reach my wife later yesterday afternoon (more on this later). I ran 14 miles which equates to 42 laps around the track. I actually lost count somewhere in the middle of my run but was able to calculate the number of laps based on my running time on the stopwatch. I was moving fairly fast for me doing 7 minutes and 45 seconds a lap. I was feeling okay during the run – not great as I have done in certain runs- but I could feel the soreness in my calves. Usually, the first five miles are the most difficult then I guess the endorphins kick in until mile 8 but after that I was feeling good. As I was running I could hear the other inmates talk about me and one comment I found very funny. As I ran by two inmates who were walking the track (of a different race) I overheard one say to the other, “You see that dude, he is the fastest on the yard.” This is very funny because I am nowhere near the fastest person on the yard. I maybe able to run the longest or farthest but I am by no means fast. Perception is very interesting because it can be way off base but somehow it turns into a truth. Whatever the case, when I heard the comment I had to laugh and smile.

I was able to finish the 14 miles in an hour and 43 minutes which for me is fairly good. I always gauge my run by hopefully running the last mile faster than the first mile. Yesterday I ran the first mile in 7 minutes and 48 seconds and ran the last in 7 minutes and 38 seconds. It was a very successful run. When I woke up this morning I was not feeling any ill effects from the run and the toenail on my big toe is still hanging in there. I wore my running shoes even though they are a bit too small they are much better than the instructor shoes. It was a good afternoon yesterday followed by a good evening.

I tried to telephone my wife yesterday afternoon but she was not home. I was able to get in contact with my mother. It was great although short to speak with her. I still can’t get over how fast that 15 minutes goes by. It seems once I say hello it is time to say goodbye. I will take what I can get and hearing my mother’s voice was well worth it. My mood had lifted since the morning. The run provided my spirits with a lift and finally hearing my mother’s voice put me over the top! I do cherish those telephone calls and I know there is a reason I can only call my family so often because I do appreciate those times I get to speak with someone. Hopefully, my wife will be available when I call tomorrow.

Well, I have come to the “special vegetarian” meal part of the blog yet again. The main entrée last night was roast beef (which looked much like roast turkey, who am I to judge?) with mashed potatoes, green beans, salad, and jello. I asked for the vegetarian meal and was given a tray with roast beef or roast turkey – take your pick – with a teaspoon size of mashed potatoes, green beans, salad, and jello. I was given two tubes of peanut butter and my inventory is growing quickly. When I run in the afternoon especially on the weekends like yesterday I do not like to eat lunch before the run. I hadn’t taken anything since breakfast so I was very hungry by dinnertime. When I saw my tray with the tiny portions I was very disappointed. I ate everything on my tray and was given an extra portion of green beans by one of my dorm mates but I was still very hungry. I got back to the dorm and decided to make the rice I was given on Saturday. I made the entire package which only cost 60 cents and has two servings. I made this in my hot pot with some soup seasonings. The package yielded a great deal of rice and I ate it all because remember it is all about the calories. I was certainly full when I finished. I think the combination of rice, peanut butter, tuna fish (not altogether – that would sure make for a funky dish) once I get to the store will be enough for me. I would do well in the eating portion of the television show “Survivor”.

After dinner I was able to obtain another book which takes precedence over “The Wizard’s First Rule”. I found another James Patterson novel “The Midnight Club”. In fact, one of the instructors has 10 Patterson novels and he would be happy to lend me them as I finish each one. This was very exciting news because as I have written before his novels are always very good. I started the book last night and I am half way through it. I am not disappointed because it is very good. This maybe one of his earlier books – 1989 – and having read more of his recent books 2002 –2003 – his writing style has changed slightly but it is still a very good book.

On Saturday night I didn’t go out into the yard because I was still in my shorts and didn’t feel like changing. About 30 minutes after the yard was opened a heavy fog rolled in within minutes. I have written about fog before and it is not a preferred weather condition for the CO’s. The yard was shut down within minutes and everyone returned to their dorms. We had another emergency fog count after everyone returned from the yard. Last night the fog rolled in a little earlier and there was no yard again. It gets very dense and the visibility is almost non-existent. We had yet another emergency fog count last night. It seemed to stay much longer last night as opposed to Saturday night. In fact, it was still foggy when I woke up at 5:30 this morning. As you can imagine fog presents a problem when running the normal prison program. Today being Monday means the Physical Fitness Training Class is held but due to the fog its status was in jeopardy.

This created havoc for the breakfast unlock. Normally the CO unlocks the dorm door and we all walk along the track until we reach the dining hall. However, due to the fog we were lead out of our dorm in a single full line and walked directly across the grass to the dining hall. Also, seating in the dining hall was done by dorm not race. This delayed breakfast 45 minutes but by the time we were coming out of the dining hall the fog was lifting. We got back to the dorm and had yet another emergency fog count. I wonder if anyone actually tries to escape when it is foggy? But I guess it’s better to be safe than sorry on the CO’s part. I wasn’t expecting the PFT class to start this morning. I had my doubts we would have it at all. However, by 10:00 am the CO came to the dorm for the PFT unlock and I was pleasantly surprised! Yet another one of the positives of this new position, even the yard maybe locked down due to the fog but we are able to get outside. More importantly I get a consistent routine which helps me tremendously pass the time so much quicker. By the way I had no idea fog could mess up so much of the program, but it certainly does and for good reason.

We had a substitute coach today and according to this substitute we will have him for the next three days which is good news for the participants in the class and the instructors. We embarked again on a 4 mile power walk and I get to act like a drill sergeant with encouraging phrases like “FIRED UP”, “CAN’T STOP”, “WON’T STOP” and other catchy phrases. Even after running 14 miles yesterday I felt very good during the power walk. I also get to yell out the Fire Orders which everyone has to memorize when they get into fire camp. This is the class after the PFT class. The fire orders are – if anyone cares?

F Fight fire aggressively but provide for safety first
I Initiate all action based on current and expected fire behavior
R Recognize current fire conditions and obtain forecasts
E Ensure instructions are given and understood

O Obtain current information on fire status
R Remain in communications with crew members, your supervisor, and adjoining fire crews
D Determine safety zones and escape routes
E Establish lookouts in potentially hazardous situations
R Retain control at all times
S Stay Alert, keep calm, think clearly, and act decisively

As we are power walking I shout these and the class shouts them back. I get to use my loud voice and it can get very loud. You can ask my friends who have been over to our house when I use this voice to discipline my children. I don’t use it often but when I do I certainly get my point across! The power walk was great and then the class was doing Harvard Steps – 8 minutes on each leg. I got to call out the cadence for the right leg. “Up with your right, down with your right, up with your right” and so on. The participants are supposed to stay with the cadence. Apparently, the instructor who is also somewhat new and I had a faster than usual cadence. Hopefully, as I get to do this more often I will become more comfortable. Again, I have to keep in mind the fitness levels of most of the participants and I need to slow it down.

After having the class go through their calisthenics and calling out the mountain climber count it was time for the one mile run. Me being the “new guy” I had to put away the hose and the “water horse” – an impromptu water fountain for the class- before joining the mile run. I was having difficulty disconnecting the hose (some firefighter I’m going to make) but managed to get it off. I was able to jog with the participants who were lagging behind and encouraged them to finish. This is the best part of the position and even though I am not doing my all out run I am very content to jog side by side with these participants until they finish. I have received a few “thank you’s” from then when they finish which makes it all worth it. Even the participant I had a difficult time with last week gave me a nod of thanks today when I told him he was doing a very good job. Things do work out for the best.

We started the PFT class late so when it ended we needed to start the Plus Class very soon. Unfortunately, I could not participate in the afternoon class because I received a ducat to see the registered nurse on the yard. The office is located directly across from the basketball court where we hold the PFT Plus Class. I was hoping to see the nurse prior to the start of the afternoon class. I went in to see her before the class but there were 10 people in front of me who missed their appointments from this morning. I waited an hour for the nurse to call me while the class went on. Finally, I was called and went into the office. I had no idea why I was there at first but when I saw my request which was written to the doctor last week I instantly knew why I was there. I wrote a request asking about my medical clearance for fire camp. I received the blood teat results which came back negative and wanted to know if there was any additional follow up required. The nurse was very cordial and explained the procedure to me. I am not currently medically cleared for fire camp because I still need an echocardiogram and stress test within 90 days of the doctor’s order which was November 2. This means I must have the test performed by February 2 – Groundhog Day. That doesn’t mean it will take that long (God I hope it doesn’t) it just means it has to be performed in that time frame. I do need these tests for medical clearance so I can move on to the Firefighter Training Class. Of course, the sooner I get these tests the better because again for every month I reside here I am losing 10 days to being back with my family. Also, according to the nurse I am due to see the doctor in the next week according to his orders. This is good news because I will ask him to prescribe the protein drink for me so I don’t waste away into nothing and it also provides more vitamins and nutrients than I am currently getting in my food. This will help maintain my weight.

The nurse was very thorough and didn’t even charge me the $5.00 co-pay. Unbeknownst to me each time a request goes to the medical department it counts as a visit to the doctor which cost $5.00. She didn’t charge me because she believes each inmate should receive their first visit free of charge in order to explain the procedures. I thought this was very fair of her. Finally, the nurse, who by the way had no idea about how hard I work out nor did she know the fact that I am a PFT Instructor even though it was written on my shirt, said to me, “Keep trying to do the PFT Classes and only do what you can do.” I thought this was a very strange comment and I said to her, “I am an instructor so I am doing more than trying.” I may have said this with a bit of arrogance because I was completely taken aback by her comment. Then she went on to tell me that no matter how good a shape anyone is in they can drop dead tomorrow. When I heard the words “Drop Dead” I wanted the conversation to end right then so I agreed with her and didn’t add anything more! She concluded the discussion and I thanked her for her time and left her office.

As I was leaving to embark more on my exercises, I thought about the irony of the situation. The medical staff is doing its job to ensure I am medically cleared for fire camp because if they don’t and I “drop dead” at a fire they are liable. Yet – thankfully – I am allowed to be a PFT instructor which maybe more rigorous than firefighting, go figure? I am very anxious to have the echo and stress tests done for two reasons. One, I stated prior, to get the medical clearance as soon as possible. Two, I really want to see the results to ensure there is nothing wrong with me because if there is I will be completely shocked. I am not saying it is out of the realm of possibility that there is something wrong with my heart but it would be truly amazing that a much-maligned medical department would be the one to discover it. It will be very interesting to see the results of these tests but I will continue doing what I have been doing exercise wise because I do feel very good.

One Of Those Days

It appears the weekends appear to have a little too much down time. Yesterday was a good day to rest my body; however, my mind is a different story. Maybe the last four days up until yesterday I was so busy I didn’t have time to think and yesterday and today when I am not nearly as busy, my mind tends to stray. I worked a “normal” program yesterday and today did a bit of writing and reading. I was given a book called THE WIZARD’S FIRST RULE by Terry Goodkind. I also watched some football yesterday because I needed a break from my bunk. This is where I stay most of the time reading and writing. The only exception is Monday night where I venture into the television area to watch Heroes. The only other television program that I would like to watch is Grey’s Anatomy but this is not available because our dorm watches something else on Thursday nights. For some reason, Grey’s Anatomy was on Friday night and one of my neighbors informed me but I was in the middle of writing and didn’t want to stop. Besides that I am not exactly sure why it was on a different night and I didn’t want to watch it because I knew I may not be able to see it again for a long while. The group – my dorm mates – usually watch professional wrestling on Friday nights which was not aired so Grey’s Anatomy was shown.

As you can see by the last paragraph and entries from the past few days I am all over the place. My mind keeps drifting back to my family in NJ. It maybe a combination of the fact that I have not spoken to my wife in over a week and the last letter I received from my mother was written two weeks prior to her trip to visit my younger sister. My subconscious has been pelting me with dreams of my wife and children - most notably of my daughter. I can’t seem to get past the fact that she will be 10 years old when I will be released. Ten is just another number but I can’t help to think it has significance in the age of a child. There is one statement that keeps resonating with me which was expressed by my daughter upon my two year departure. She said, “Who is going to tickle Jonathan and me when you are gone?” I am sure my wife and all our extended family are showing so much love and support back in NJ. But, I can’t help to think will I still be able to tickle my 10 year old daughter when I rejoin my family in less than 20 months or will she be too old and not want anything to do with me?

Of course, all this is fear of the unknown which I can’t do a darned thing about. I know what to continue doing in order to have a great life and that is to continue my recovery. However, my mind still drifts into these bad areas and currently I do not have an outlet – other than this blog – to get these bad thoughts out of my mind (nor do I expect to have one until my release). I miss my family tremendously and with the holiday season fast approaching it seems to exasperate the problem. Of course, I created this mess and must suffer the consequences associated with my illegal behavior. I have no one to blame but myself. I try to stay clear of blaming because it is only counter productive. However, on days when I look around and really think about how much I pissed away (sorry about the use of that word but I couldn’t think of a better one) I can’t help but to think of how ignorant I was when I was doing these illegal things.

I had the proverbial “perfect life” with the only thing missing was the white picket fence – as eloquently put by my sister-in-law in the Los Angeles Times article). I had what I should have considered enough but I let my addiction control my life. This is still a difficult concept for me to understand even after 21 months of recovery. My mind went completely insane so I could have more than a perfect life. The saying “having your cake and eating it too” is not quite right in my case back then. It was more like I wanted the cake, the plate, the fork, the table, the chair and on and on before I realized I had everything I needed in those three wonderful people in my family. I have stolen four months and many more from these amazing people. I not only stole from my employer I stole from my family. I will never be able to get this time back because it is gone forever. Everyone is making the best of this current situation and my family is in a wonderful place. Despite my words in this blog, I too am doing my best in my current situation. I guess I am having one of those days where I am certainly feeling sorry for myself. I don’t have that right because it was me alone who caused this mess. However, if I didn’t feel the least bit sorry I believe I wouldn’t be human. Contrary to popular opinion, I am human and am prone to these types of emotions. The key is what I do with them. If I continue to feel sorry for myself and continue to blame myself I am destined for failure. I hear so many of my fellow inmates blame this or that for their current problems. I don’t see a great deal of growth or responsibility in these inmates. I don’t want to become like them where my life revolves around coming in and out of prison making the same mistakes over and over again. I am responsible for my own actions and if I fall back into the woe is me trap, the same old horrible behaviors will resurface.

This awful experience is a one and only one time as long as I stay in recovery. The purpose of the blog is for me to be accountable for my own actions and yesterday as I watched the college football games I didn’t feel an urge to place a wager. However, I didn’t necessarily feel the pain of my past regressions as I watched the game. Early on in my recovery I didn’t watch much sports.

As my recovery progressed and I attended GA meetings very regularly, I started to watch a little more sports. Each time I watched I seemed to always feel a twinge of pain knowing how I let my sports gambling addiction ruin my life. It was a good type of reminder. Nevertheless, the last GA meeting I attended was over four months ago and I have not placed a wager of any kind in almost 21 months. Without these meetings, no matter how much correspondence I receive from my incredible GA friends it does not take the place of an actual live meeting. In all my correspondences, I try to include something on recovery in order for me to stay focused. Also, in this blog I need to constantly – sorry if I am being repetitive – remind myself of my recovery. In a nutshell, I do miss the GA meetings very much.

It is obvious I miss my family and the GA meetings so much. Without GA I have no family; however, the reverse is not true. If for some reason my wife decides she can’t wait for me or decides to move on with the children (this is completely hypothetical and I have no reason to believe this will actually happen) GA will be a part of my life. Actually, it is my life (I selfishly write) that is paramount in all this madness. Without recovery, I have no life and thus no family, no friends, and nothing at all. This is why no matter what life throws at me I must keep the GA program in my life. The saying “Meetings Make It” is so true because not having attended a meeting in so long I can see how people relapse. I can write and talk about my recovery until I am blue in the face but without a meeting it makes the recovery process that much harder. Unfortunately, due to the current prison conditions starting a GA meeting is next to impossible. It would be extremely difficult to do. Also, the fact that I am here for a few - hopefully – more months makes it even more difficult to get the meeting going. I understand the fire camps are more receptive to recovery programs and may even have a 12 step program of some type on their property. Whatever the case, I will continue to do my best by writing this blog and all my fantastic friends in order to stay accountable. Also, I will talk more to fellow inmates and pick their brains regarding their drug addictions.

One of the most common reasons for many of my fellow inmates returning to prison time and time again is getting caught up with the same old friends in the same old environment. I believe everyone whom I have spoken with has affirmed this reason. Thankfully, with my addiction, I did it alone. Yes, it started out with a friend but ended by myself. The environment which brought me back to my addiction was boredom and complacency. I need to be aware of these two factors at all times. As long as I continue working the GA program, I will not get complacent and as long as I view all the wonderful things in my life each day I will not get bored. As the years go by the memory of my current situation will fade; however, I must never forget this journey because it is making me a much better person.

Okay, sorry about my lamenting but I do feel much better, I wrote this passage much earlier than I have in the past. We have afternoon yard and when I returned from my breakfast, I decided to write. I am very happy I did write because it is definitely a release. I will run this afternoon because the weather is beautiful and my body feels very good. Also, hopefully this afternoon I will get a chance to speak with my wife but if I don’t I will try again on Tuesday afternoon.

What would a blog passage be if I didn’t mention my special vegetarian meal? There is nothing to report from dinner last night because I didn’t go to the dining hall. The main entrée was baked fish which is considered a vegetarian meal so I knew I wouldn’t get any additional food. The prison “culinary” team’s view of baked fish is very different than mine. This “baked” fish is just like McDonald’s filet o fish sandwich with the breading on the outside which was fried at some point. I have had this meal twice in the past and each time I felt horrible after eating it. I am sure it had something to do with the breading and how it was prepared. Also, the sides with this meal were lacking; scalloped potatoes with American cheese melted on them, and some type of mayonnaise salad. I opted to stay back in the dorm and prepare my own dinner. I was going to make rice and beans but the only type of beans sold in the store are refried. My taste buds won’t allow me to eat refried anything because to me it tastes like vomit - sorry! I gave them away to one of my neighbors who also stayed back in the dorm. My options were making rice by itself or making a soup. I opted for the soup and it is amazing how many calories are in one package – 380 calories – with 7 grams of fat but 0 grams of trans fat. How this contains this amount of fat is beyond me because in the soup are pasta noodles and a seasoning packet with an enormous amount of sodium. I try to use only half the packet and let the soup stand for a few minutes so some of the salt cooks out. I have to constantly remind myself that eating is all about the caloric intake and now that I am finally taking vitamins it makes getting calories a little easier. On the nutritional scale, last night’s dinner wasn’t very good but my choices are limited. I noticed that I was hungrier than usual during the day yesterday even though I didn’t work out. I suspect it had something to do with the workout on Friday. I was able to eat my peanut butter and jam sandwich for lunch which somewhat held me over to dinner. The only redeeming quality of my soup dinner was the two packages of carrots I placed in the soup.

Once a week we receive mini-diced carrots in one lunch. This would be the only healthy part of the lunch all week. Unfortunately, we do not receive any fresh fruit in our lunches because some of the fellow inmates would make “Pruno” from those fruits. So, the prison officials took away the fruits in our lunches. This gives new meaning to the phrase “One bad apple spoils the lot!” I save the carrots and also receive a few packages from my dorm members and place them in my soups which provide more nutrients and flavor. By the way, these dorm members don’t appreciate these carrots as much as I do.

This morning at breakfast, I sat with different dorm members. My usual breakfast partners were late on arrival. I didn’t request a special vegetarian meal because the only meat item was sausage links which were traded away for some canned fruit. I also traded away my eggs for more grits. It doesn’t matter who I sit with because it certainly seems everyone is content on trading away their hot cereal for the eggs and sausage. This works out fine for me because I am able to add those necessary calories. On the way out, I picked up my vegetarian lunch of peanut butter and jam in lieu of the lunchmeat regular lunch. I was certainly glad to see the peanut butter and jam and not the American cheese sandwich of yesterday. I wonder if there will be any consistency to these lunches, probably not, but I will take the peanut butter and jam any day.

Resting Day

It appears my special meal at dinner will be a mystery. Last night I was given an extra helping of Mexican rice and two tubes of peanut butter. I certainly did not mind this meal, in fact, it was the best one this week. I was actually full. When I finished I had the peanut butter tubes leftover for a future lunch. Apparently, the kitchen supervisor makes the decision as to what appears on my tray and last night it was the third different supervisor. I received something different from the previous two and the hopes are this kitchen supervisor is on duty more often. Nothing to report on breakfast this morning because the main entrée was French Toast with a sausage (allegedly soy – I traded it away) and farina. As usual I traded everything with the exception of the farina for more farina. Today’s lunch was peanut butter and jam so there was no need to ask for the vegetarian special.

I need to take a step back for a brief moment. I have to mention that yesterday being the 17th of November means I officially have 20 more months remaining on my sentence. Yes, this will be reduced once I get to fire camp but according to all the prison records I do have one year and eight moths remaining to serve. Twenty months may seem like a long time and it truly is when I think about not actually being with my family for that period of time. In the grand scheme of life it really is not that long. Four months have gone by very fast - when I think about how far I have come since the beginning of the sentence, I do now have a definitive routine with my new job and the time will continue to roll forward. On the flip side of this – the longer I stay here the more time I lose in reducing my sentence. I lose 10 days for every month I remain here. I don’t know how long I will be here but I am hoping it is only three to five months. My goal – which by the way is completely out of my control and at the mercy of the CDC – is to be released sometime prior to my son’s 7th birthday which is February 8th, 2008. My daughter turns 10 three days later and it would be wonderful to celebrate their birthdays! This means I need to be transferred to a fire camp by March of 2007. Again, completely out of my control but there are good thoughts which I focus on daily. Who knows what the future has in store but I know I must stay focused on my recovery or my future does not exist. It is bright as long as I stay in recovery and very dark without recovery. I am doing my best everyday and will continue each and everyday.

Officially, I am off from work on Saturdays and Sundays– calling it “work” is certainly not fair because it is anything but work. Today was my first day off since I started last Tuesday. I laid in bed until 6:30 am because as I have reported previously the news is not shown on the weekends so there was no need for me to get out of my bunk. I listened to my CD Radio player which is starting to receive 5 radio stations depending on how I aim the antennae. I just relaxed and listened to some music. While I was relaxing, I was listening to my body. I wasn’t as sore as I expected from my big workout of yesterday. Please make no mistake I am sore (I am not a machine despite some inmate’s comments and I do get sore) but not overly so. We had morning yard and I was contemplating running during this time and taking tomorrow as my rest day. However, as is the case in so many aspects of prison life, this decision was not mine to make. Morning yard usually opens at 9:00 am which came and went without the yard being opened. It wasn’t opened until 10:30 am which was too late for me to do any running because the yard closes one hour later.

I did go outside and enjoy the beautiful morning in which the temperature was in the low 70’s without a cloud in the sky. I chatted with a few of my inmate acquaintances whom I haven’t spoken to since I started my new position. (I am hesitant to use the word friend because over the 21 months of my recovery, I learned the true meaning of the word friend). However, I was taken aback by the generosity of one of the inmate’s who was going to the store. I won’t be able to go for a week from Monday so I will reciprocate in kind. But nonetheless, this inmate (who by the way, fits in the normal category very well) was kind enough to buy me some soups, rice, and beans. The cost of these items was $2.70 but it was the thought that counted most. When I go to the store, I will not be selfish with my food and anyone especially those who have been very kind to me can have what they would like. It seems everyday is filled with surprises and thankfully they have been very good surprises.

One of the drawbacks of my position is not being able to sign up for telephone calls and really the only way I can call is after 3:00 pm and when we have evening yard. I have not spoken to my wife in over a week and I do miss hearing her voice. As I was chatting this morning another one of my acquaintances told me he had signed up for a phone call tomorrow and I could have it. Again, this was a very pleasant surprise and someone is certainly watching out for me. Also, as we were talking someone mentioned about some special “perks” that inmates who work during the week have. One of these has to do with making telephone calls. Apparently there is a way for me to make calls without having to sign up. I have to talk with the right people and if all goes well I can make a telephone call. This does not involve any shady business or backhanded dealings. It is well within the rules which I will use sparingly.

The call I have for tomorrow is for 3:30 pm and I hope my wife is at home. At the very least if she isn’t I hope I can reach my mother. I have only been able to speak with my mom once since I arrived here almost a month ago. I am not sure if Thanksgiving will be a day I can make a telephone call nor do I even know where my wife and children will be. My guess is my mother-in-law will be hosting dinner but now that my brother-in-law and sister-in-law have their own families - who knows where everyone will be. Hopefully, I will have an answer to this question when I get to speak with my wife tomorrow.

My body did need a rest day because my calves were a little tight and my toenail needs some time to heal. My calves are sore from all the Harvard steps I performed yesterday and my toenail from my new basketball shoes. It is fairly obvious I have an obsession with my exercising but I am getting better listening to my body. My hand was forced not to exercise today and that was a good thing. I walked two miles around the track at a very leisurely pace as I talked with my inmate acquaintances. Interestingly enough I didn’t see any of the other instructors working out today which was a bit of a shock. Especially with the lead instructor who is always doing some type of exercise when he is outside whether we have class or not. Believe it or not, he works out more than I do and this is hard to believe but it is true. I guess all the instructors were listening to their bodies as well and the consensus was to take a day of rest. I will see how my calves and toenail feel tomorrow. I may take another day of rest but I truly doubt it because the weather is supposed to be just as nice as it was today. It would be ashamed to not work out on a beautiful day.

Workout Day

Again, I will start off with my “special meal” because there appears to be some inconsistencies over the past five days. I thought peanut butter was a staple of my vegetarian special meal. However, last night with the main entrée being sloppy joes and the side entrée being baked beans, my vegetarian meal did not include the sloppy joes – obviously – but did include two servings of the baked beans. I wasn’t given any peanut butter because according to the kitchen supervisor – also commonly referred to as “free-stuff” by the inmates, apparently all the correction officers are labeled this, I asked someone why the term “free-stuff” but didn’t receive a plausible explanation. These workers receive a salary and thankfully who in their right mind would volunteer for some of these positions like kitchen supervisor and practically all the other positions who work with inmates everyday. Again, I am not sure why “free” is used but I am guessing it has something to do with the Co’s who are not viewed by the inmates as free – just a guess. I was receiving enough protein in the baked beans so there was no need for any peanut butter. I certainly won’t argue about this, in fact I am not crazy about asking for the vegetarian meal and having to stand off to the side while it is delivered to me. I really don’t want to cause any problems so I took the tray and said, “Thank you.” Fortunately, the baked beans weren’t too bad and I did eat them. There are other beans – pinto beans – which I don’t like because they taste disgusting so again I was fortunate.

I was a little disappointed not to add to my peanut butter inventory so I turned my sights to breakfast this morning. The breakfast was of a vegetarian variety according to the kitchen supervisor even though it included scrambled eggs. I was not going into the discussion of my entire eating habits so again I took the tray and said, “Thank you.” It worked out well because I traded away the scrambled eggs and pinto beans for the hot cereal which was cornmeal mush. I certainly don’t starve at breakfast unlike lunch and dinner. I was curious to see what my vegetarian lunch would consist of today because this was the first time I presented my notice of special vegetarian meal for lunch. I presented it to the CO who is in charge of giving out the lunches. He gave me my sack lunch from the special pile which is segregated from the lunches containing some mystery lunchmeat. I was given my sack – actually it is a clear plastic bag which may or may not qualify as a sack – and immediately I inspected it. Much to my disappointment it wasn’t peanut butter and jam, it was a French roll with two slabs of processed American cheese with oatmeal cookies and sunflower seeds.

I traded away the oatmeal cookies and sunflower seeds but I was truly disappointed. I am not sure if the American Dietary Association sanctions this type of lunch as nutritional. According to the prison standards, this does qualify as a vegetarian meal because it does not contain any meat. I am sorry for saying this over and over again but it does bear repeating. I am disappointed, but I will not voice that with anyone here because it is not worth it. The doctor who wrote the notification was going out on a limb for me and I won’t push the envelope. I have made do with my eating so far and I will continue to make do even with these sad vegetarian meals. My eating is all based on calorie consumption and so far I have consumed enough calories to maintain my weight. This will be more of a challenge due to my new job and all the working out I will be doing. However, I have a package coming soon which includes mostly food and next week I will be able to go to the store for the first time. I will be able to purchase more peanut butter, soups, rice, and beans. I won’t have to rely on the prison-dining hall to provide me with the necessary calories. I have a hot pot and will be able to prepare enough food to keep me from wasting away.

Today would be defined as an incredible workout day. It started right after breakfast because today unlike the last few days we started the real PFT training class without having to go back to the dorm. After a brief warm-up, we embarked on a four mile power walk. I am getting much more comfortable with the power walk and have found my stride. The only issue I am having is with my basketball and running shoes. The running shoes I ordered in the package are my proper size – 10 – but running shoes usually run small and these do. I have ordered many running shoes in the past and I did know this; however, I wasn’t thinking clearly when I wrote out the order form. I definitely should have ordered a full size larger – 11 – and hopefully there is some kind of exchange policy so I can receive the larger pair. I was even given a pair of new basketball shoes when I started the position on Tuesday. These are actually very good looking sneakers but looks can be deceiving because they are not functional when it comes to walking and running. It is a very durable shoe but it is very inflexible. I have been using these basketball shoes for the real training class mostly to match the other instructors who all wear them. Unfortunately, my right foot, most notably the toenail on my big toe, is paying the price for my conformity.

I ran in five marathons, eight half marathons, and countless 5 and 10 k’s. I have had my share of running problems but I have never had a toenail issue. I have met so many marathon runners who have lost numerous toenails due to the excessive running and they all chalk it up to just an occupational hazard. Now here I am having started my new Instructor position, logging only a few miles and the toenail on my big toe is in jeopardy of falling off. Also, it is not the most comfortable feeling I have had. In fact, it hurts. With all that said, when I am power walking, running, and doing my exercises, I just ignore the pain. (A quick story – the first time I ran in the La Jolla Half Marathon, I felt a slight irritation on my left ankle during the run but didn’t think anything of it. I completed the run and was changing out of my running shoes. When I took off my left shoes, I noticed the back of my sock was all bloody. Yes, I had punctured a hole in my ankle due to the stupid fact that I was running in brand new shoes. Interestingly enough all I felt was a slight irritation during the run but after discovering the bloody sock, my ankle started to hurt. I guess mind over matter does work.) Of course, I just ignored the pain all throughout the day. Oh, by the way when I went in for lunch after the training class I took off my sneaker to discover some blood on my sock– not like the half marathon story. All I did was take off my socks and quickly washed them in the sink and put on a new pair.

Back to the extremely good workout day – in spite of the toenail issue. After the four mile power walk was complete, I was told to join two of the other instructors for the PFT Plus Class – this is the class that is given twice a day for all the inmates. This being Friday means it is the toughest class – in terms of intensity - of the week. In fact, this is the test for all would be instructors which I have written about in the past. When I took this for the first time three weeks ago, I couldn’t get through the second rotation (there are three in total) now I would be leading it. It was fun to be in front of the class for the first time instead of being in the class. I was responsible for the one mile run and I also wanted to do all the exercises associated with the class, not just the second rotation which I would be leading. I was able to complete all the exercises and during the second rotation I lead the class. During this time I was a little too excited and went too fast. Some of my fellow instructors had a hard time keeping up with me let alone the inmates in the class. This is one of the problems when it comes to exercises and running, I go too fast. I have to realize that not everyone can do the exercises or run that fast. I need to slow down so everyone can keep up. I also have to realize it is not a race and I need to tone it down a bit.

After the PFT Plus Class was over, the lead instructor critiqued me on my performance and he told me to slow down. It was a combination of being excited about leading the class and my competitiveness. I completely understood the criticism and I know I will do better the next time. This class was over but the real PFT training class was still going on. I hurried over to them on the track and joined then for their one mile run. This was done at a slow pace and felt good to run at this pace because the previous class was very intense. The run was over and the participants were lead through their cool downs. They finished and were done for the day. However, my day was not over because I had to come out after lunch to do the PFT Plus Class again. It’s given twice a day so inmates from both tiers can participate in the morning and afternoon yards.

I changed my bloody sock and had a quick peanut butter and jam sandwich. I returned outside to once again do the PFT Plus Class. This afternoon I didn’t lead any rotations because three other instructors who did not participate in the morning class led the rotations. I still wanted to test myself to see if I could do two of these classes along with all the power walking and running in the other class. I again was given the task of running the one-mile which was fine by me because it is all part of the class. I was able to get through all the exercises and I could feel myself slowing down greatly from the morning class probably from fatigue. I was extremely happy to get through all of the workouts without any problems. This is a far cry from three weeks ago when I stopped midway through the second rotation. I am very pleased that I came a long way in a short period of time and I only expect it to get better.

The afternoon class was complete, but I wasn’t done working out. I wasn’t sure if I should do more running because I only did 7 miles as opposed to the 10 I try to do or do something else. I didn’t want to aggravate my toenail anymore so I passed on the running and opted for doing the step-ups that are also called Harvard Steps. I did an hour and 10 minutes of this exercise. Heedless to say I was drenched with sweat but I did feel good. When I stopped doing the step-ups it felt like my legs were still moving but nonetheless this was a great way to end a great workout day.

The best part of the day was the fact that the time flew by. I started out at 8:00 am, had an hour for lunch, and finished at 4:00 pm. If all the days go by this fast I will be back with my family in no time. The other good part of the day was I had no time to think about my surroundings. I just concentrated on the tasks at hand. In fact, these past four days have also flown by since I started my new position. I do have two days off – Saturday and Sunday – and I haven’t decided what type of exercise I would like to do. But I do know that I will definitely take one day off from exercising so my old body can recover. Next week is a short week due to the Thanksgiving Holiday. Obviously, I like this position and hopefully as the weeks pass things will continue to get even better.

Positive Not So Positive

It appears my vegetarian status at dinner requires some patience on my part. As I reported my first time presenting the notification of my special meal went unexpectedly smooth (not withstanding my early explanation to the C/O). Last night the same C/O and the same kitchen supervisor were on duty; however, I had to wait 10 minutes for the kitchen supervisor to find the peanut butter and jam. It also appears the peanut butter and jam will be a staple of this special meal every time. The dinner was baked chicken (leg), potatoes, broccoli, some kind of green stuff, I believe it was supposed to be pea soup but resembled green sludge, and chocolate cake. Take away the baked chicken and add the peanut butter and jam and you have my special meal. Waiting the 10 minutes was a little disconcerting because even though we are given somewhat of an unlimited time to eat our meal I don’t like to stay in the dining hall any longer than I have to.

The dining hall seats 200 inmates but you would never know it because it is deceptively small. This is laid out long ways whereas the dining hall at the reception center was laid out length ways. Both dining halls seat the same amount of inmates yet the one here is much smaller. Fortunately, there has not been any incidents; however, the design if it would seem conducive to problems. Inmates are literally right on top of one another which can cause problems in and of itself. Getting in and getting out of the dining hall as quickly as possible is always my goal. Hopefully, the kitchen supervisor makes a mental (or physical) note of having at least one vegetarian meal at dinner so the peanut butter and jam is readily available. (It is very hard for me to imagine I am the only vegetarian out of 1400 inmates. The laws of probability suggest that there should be more than one. Whatever the case I will be patient because I welcome the peanut butter and jam. It is just too bad I am not given bread so I can make a sandwich. I am not sure why I receive the peanut butter and jam without bread because it really doesn’t make much sense. Then again there are so many things around here that just don’t make sense which I do accept.)

This morning I was up at 5:00 am once again in hopes of going to an early breakfast. The early breakfast time (6:45am) came and went. No explanation from the C/O, in fact there was no communication at all from him at this point. The regular breakfast time (7:15am) unlock was granted by the C/O. I went to breakfast and didn’t present my notice of special meal due to the fact I gave away my eggs (which I am not sure if I would have to explain what types of vegetarian I am to C/O on duty because the breakfast menu did not contain any “meat” products. It was easier to just take the tray and get the eggs off as soon as possible) and the lunch was peanut butter and jam with pretzels and cookies. I traded away the cookies for another bag of pretzels.

Since I started my new job on Tuesday I am a bit confused as to what I should do after breakfast. I have noticed in the past that sometimes the PFT class starts right after breakfast. Yet over the past three days it has not started until after everyone is back in the dormitories and the C/O’s provide and unlock. I find myself looking toward the basketball court for any signs of the class but there was not so I headed back toward the dorm. The unlock came much earlier than the past two days (8:15 am) and again I was excited to start the day. The program is fairly repetitive and the regular “Coach” was back. There was no explanation as to his whereabouts - it was business as usual.

We again did the stretching warm-up followed by the 3 mile power walk. During this power walk no one seems to fall behind. I was designated to fall back and walk with anyone who falls behind to ensure they are feeling well and to encourage them. No one did so I walked along side of the pack the entire way. After this was complete the participants did the Harvard steps (or step-ups) for six minutes on each leg. My duty was to monitor everyone’s progress and to take note of anyone falling behind. There were a few participants who seemed fatigued but for the most part everyone got through it unharmed. Next was the most interesting part of my day because this is where we instructors instruct. It was time for the calisthenics and because it is only Day 4 we are still teaching proper techniques for the benefit of the inmates. As the participants were performing their exercises the “Coach” was showing me some of their mistakes. I did like this fact that he was showing me because I really haven’t had any direction; I am kind of winging it on my own.

After he pointed out some participants, I noticed someone performing the mountain climbers incorrectly. After noticing this I went over to the “coach” and pointed out this inmate. The “Coach” said “yes, he is doing it incorrectly.” Then he went over to this inmate and demonstrated the proper technique. I didn’t think much about this and went about my business. I noticed two other inmates performing exercises incorrectly and demonstrated the proper method. These inmates appeared to be very receptive to my suggestions.

The calisthenics were over and it was time for another 3 miles power walk/jog. As the participants were lining up for the run one of them came over to where I was standing. This was the inmate/participant who was corrected by the “Coach” for the improper mountain climber technique. This inmate was very upset with me because he thought I told the “Coach” on him. He asked (rather demanded) “Why did you go and tell the “Coach” on me?” I was taken by surprise but remained calm and explained, “I did not tell the “Coach” on you I was trying to help you and I was doing my job.” He didn’t appear to like my comment because he was adamant about me telling on him. This only lasted a few seconds and the run had started. He didn’t threaten me or push me, he was just hell-bent on me having him ratted out. Of course, I was a bit shaken with this verbal altercation but I didn’t lose my cool and I never raised my voice. I let him speak his mind. I learned a long time ago there are some arguments not worth getting into and once I saw where this inmate’s mindset was there was nothing I could say that would change his mind.

The participants and this participant started their run when the lead Instructor overheard this and didn’t want any part of it. I tried to explain but it appeared I was on my own. Then the “Coach” came over to me who had thankfully overheard my verbal altercation and came over to me and asked the particulars of the situation. I told him that the inmate was very upset with me but he didn’t threaten me in anyway. The “coach” said that the inmate’s behavior was unacceptable and backed me up 100%. I was happy after I heard this and hurried back to the power walk/run.

When I got to the pack I discovered that someone had fallen behind so I went back to see if he was okay. I walked with him awhile and he wasn’t feeling very well. The “Coach” came over and instructed this person to lie down. After a few minutes he was feeling better and wanted to power walk. He did three more laps with me right by his side. I must give this inmate credit because he is in his mid 50’s and just doesn’t have the stamina to get through the training class yet he is trying his best. Unfortunately, sometimes in physical tests your best may not be enough. Again, I was happy to walk with this inmate and encourage him along the way. This is the good part of the job.

Another good part was as we were doing the class the yard remained closed. This means no one other than the PFT class was allowed outside. Being outside exercising and instructing certainly has its benefits especially when everyone else is locked into the dormitories. The reason for the lockdown was due to a few inmates who were recently transferred here from another prison showed signs of tuberculosis and they needed to separate these inmates. Here is something I did not realize I had to contend with; infectious diseases, when I arrived at prison. However, it is a fact that when this many people are contained in such close quarters diseases can spread. Hopefully, the prison officials have caught this in time so no one else is exposed. If a higher outbreak occurs we could be on an extended lockdown status.

At the end of the training class the “Coach” had (like he always does) a meeting with all the instructors. Of course, he brought my situation/altercation with the inmate and the “coach supported me fully. All the other instructors also supported me after hearing this. I do realize there is a very fine line I need to walk when it comes to certain inmate/participants. My job is to instruct yet some inmate/participants view this as “snitching”. This is the not so positive part of my new job. I need to be very careful when I do speak with the “coach” regarding participants. Perception in a place like this can turn into a very bad reality. I am not prison-savvy but I do have a great deal of common sense. Having said that, my common sense may not translate into prison sense so I must think clearly at all times. I am certainly not out to “get” anyone and all I want to do is help. I don’t have the ability to fail any participants and I am happy not to have this ability. The “Coach” is the one who passes and fails participants not any of the instructors. Ninety-five percent of the class understands this concept and I won’t let the remaining five percent get to me. I will remain positive and upbeat when dealing with the participants. I cannot get into the mind of anyone so there will be some participants who no matter how I try will just not understand that I am not out to “get” anyone. Today was an eye opening day but I do enjoy this job very much and I won’t let one bad apple spoil the bunch. The positives far outweigh the not so positive and it certainly appears I will keep learning everyday as I work as an instructor.

Double "Hump" Day

I forgot to mention that on Monday evening I received two notifications from the Medical Department. The first notification was regarding my blood test results. A little over a week ago I had blood taken because the doctor was concerned my vitamin levels may have been deficient due to my vegetarian diet. They came back negative (which is good) for any vitamin deficiencies and any other abnormalities. According to the notification I am not required for any follow-up procedures. I am not sure if this clears me medically for fire camp or if I still need the echocardiogram and stress test. I sent a note to the doctor inquiring about my status. Hopefully, I will hear something in a week. By the way my upper chest slight pain is gone and has been this way since I started taking the multi-vitamin, vitamin C, and vitamin E. Also, being consistent with running and working out harder has also helped alleviate this slight pain. I am happy to report my upper chest is pain free. Maybe it was a vitamin deficiency or getting a more consistent workout schedule. Whatever the case I do feel great.

The second notification from the Medical Department or more precisely the doctor who examined me over a week ago, granted me a special meal request honoring my vegetarian diet. The notification stated, “due to a chronic medical condition, the inmate is to have the alternative entrée”, which sounds rather dire because I am not aware of any medical condition (maybe a psychological condition is more like it!) especially a chronic one but the doctor had to write it this way due to the standard protocol. I was surprised to receive this because I thought the doctor and I agreed to abandon the idea. It appears the doctor found a way to make this request work.

When I entered the dining hall for breakfast and dinner I must present this notification to the C/O on duty. I had my doubts that this little notification wouldn’t cause a problem. I figured the C/O would be somewhat lost and I would have some explaining to do. Before I go any further I have been making do with my peculiar eating habits over the past four months without any special meals. When I was in the County Jail I did ask for a special meal and the doctor laughed at me, from that point forward I decided to take things into my own hands. I have done fairly well trading my food but sometimes especially at dinner the food is not enough. With this “Alternative entrée” request I will receive no meat or eggs and according to the doctor a second helping of rice or beans depending on the meal. The rice I can deal with because it typically is long grain steamed rice; however, the beans are usually baked and my taste buds are not accustomed to them. Once I present this notice I have nothing to trade but I do have the opportunity to get more food. An interesting side light - the dorm mate who I have been trading my food with told me a few days ago he didn’t want to take any more of my food because he was getting too fat. He said he would still give me the vegetables at dinner and the hot cereal at breakfast but I was free to trade with anyone else. As most of you know I am a creature of habit and once I find something is working I stick with it. When I was at the County Jail I traded with “cellie” and most times I got his breakfast anyway because he usually slept in. At the Reception Center I traded with my Bunkie until he got transferred. Also working in the kitchen at the Reception Center helped me fill up on the hot cereal. Incidentally, when my Bunkie was transferred my trading of dinner food just about halted. Now I have again found one person I can trade with which has worked out somewhat fine.

For some reason I was hesitant to present this notice at breakfast even though the main entrée was cream beef. Usually the cream beef and the biscuit are placed together on the tray which ruins the biscuit for me. However, yesterday the cream beef was in a separate compartment on the tray safely away from the biscuit. Once I saw this I knew I could trade away the cream beef (to my dorm mate who is still trading with me even though he has requested not to, apparently if the food is in front of him he will eat it) for more oatmeal and still eat the biscuit. I passed on presenting the notice. However, dinner was another story because the main entrée was a beef chapula (not sure what this actually is but many of my dorm mates were looking forward to it) along with steamed rice. Typically the beef dish is served on top of the rice again rendering two items useless for me. This was the case last night so I decided to present the notice to the C/O. When I gave the C/O the notice she instantly made a face as to not understand. I give my 10 second explanation and she figured out that I was a vegetarian. She called the kitchen supervisor over and showed her the notice. The supervisor knew just what to do and presented me with a tray without the beef chapula. However; there was only a single serving of rice much to my dismay. She told me to hold on a second and then presented me with two tubes of peanut butter and two tubes of strawberry jam. This was actually better than the second helping of rice because it provided me with lunch since I only receive peanut butter and jelly twice a week with the rest of the week being some type of lunchmeat product. It is very strange how receiving the peanut butter and jam on top of my tray actually excited me. Yes, if I really think about this it is very sad but I prefer to look at the bright side which is having more food to eat even if it is at a later point. I did not present the notice at breakfast because the meal was the closet vegetarian breakfast which is served, pancakes, peanut butter and oatmeal with a banana. Maybe I should have because exiting the dining hall everyday I am given a sack lunch and today was another one of those lunchmeat days. I did trade away the lunch for more peanut butter so everything worked out fine. I am sure some point on my “tour” of the California Prison System I will grow weary of peanut butter but for now I have eaten it 98% of the time over the past four months.

Today marks a double “hump” day. Today is of course a Wednesday which is the “hump” day for the week and it is also the 15th which is the “hump” day for the month. Now that I actually have a Monday through Friday job, Wednesday is truly a hump day for me work wise. I am pleasantly surprised it is already the 15th of November which means this month is half over. Yes, I do understand next week is Thanksgiving and in my opinion the faster I get through this month and next month the better. I certainly don’t want to rush anyone’s holiday season but for me I just want to concentrate getting through these next two months with limited sadness. I will write more on this subject in the coming months.

Again, I was very excited to start my day and get to work. I was awake again at 5:00 am and thankfully there was no fog this morning. I stayed in bed until 5:45 am but decided to get up then. I dressed and went to watch the news. I was hoping to catch the early breakfast so my day would start even earlier. The C/O went by around the early breakfast time - 6:45am - and informed us that there would not be any Physical Fitness Training (PFT) class this morning. I was sitting with two of my dorm mates who are participants in this case when the news was given. There was no explanation (which is standard practice for a notification given by the C/O’s, less is certainly more in their eyes) so the three of us were rather perplexed. There wasn’t an unlock for early breakfast so I went with the rest of my dorm at the regularly scheduled time. I saw a few of the other instructors in the dining hall and they were equally perplexed as to why we didn’t have class this morning. I headed back to the dormitory a little disappointed but at least there was the other training class (which is called PFT Plus) this morning. This class is not the same because it usually only takes 30 minutes and it isn’t as comprehensive as the real PFT class.

A funny thing happened when I was inside the dormitory waiting for the 8:45 am unlock in order to get into the yard for the PFT Plus class. The C/O’s were letting out the participants in the real class. Apparently we were given misinformation and there was going to be a class this morning. I received the unlock and headed towards the basketball court where the class starts. The “Coach” called in sick but there was a substitute “Coach” (or other “Coaches” because there were four gentlemen supervising the class) to help lead the class. I was certainly glad to have the class even though the regular “Coach” was absent. I got into the flow much better today and just like starting any new job as the days pass I will become more comfortable with my tasks. Again, I wasn’t given any direction (which seems to be somewhat of an issue not for me but other instructors because it seems none of the instructors want to tell their fellow instructors what to do – it truly is a prison thing and something I will have to get use to) but I just followed along. We performed a 3-mile power walk at a 13 minute mile pace. This may not seem like much especially since I can run this in half that pace but power walking is very different from running and jogging. My skinny legs can run a long time but they need to get quicker in the power walk. Of course I did keep up and was not winded but it certainly was not easy. I discovered one of my responsibilities which is if one of the inmates fell behind I need to stay with them, encourage them and hopefully get them back to the pack. Most importantly I need to monitor them to ensure they don’t pass out. I walked with one inmate and encouraged him. Thankfully, he completed the power walk without any mishaps.

After the power walk was a series of bar hangs, pull-ups, dips, burpees, push-ups, sit-ups, jumping jacks and mountain climbers. After all this was completed, we embarked on a 2 mile jog which lead to a 1 mile power walk. All total we did 6 miles of power walking and jogging. The class closes with a cool down stretching session. My job is to walk around the class and if an inmate is having problems with a particular exercise or stretch I need to show him the proper technique. This is a bit of a fine line because most inmates have a difficult time in being told what to do. I approached each inmate with encouragement and every word I said was positive while I was showing them the proper technique. Each one did indeed seem very receptive and I felt good with my approach. There are some inmates who don’t have enough stamina to complete the required exercises and all I can do is offer them words of encouragement. Today was Day 3 of the 8 Day class. On the 8th day the inmates are given a comprehensive physical fitness examination and thankfully only the “Coach” grades the students as to whether they pass or fail. The Instructors only guide the examination which works out very well in a place like this. The morning flew by and when the class ended it was time for lunch.

I had a quick bite (you guessed it peanut butter and jelly) before returning for the afternoon PFT Plus class. I know this class very well and participated as an instructor. Normally the Wednesday class is very easy; however, due to all the exercise from the morning I was certainly feeling the class more than I have in the past. It gave me a good sweat and the class finished in 30 minutes. When the class was over I wasn’t sure what to do but I knew I needed to do more power walking and jogging. I embarked on my own 3 mile power walk at the same pace as the training class. I must say keeping this pace was a challenge by myself and I do have some training to do. After completing the 3 mile power walk I wanted to run just one mile at my 8 minute mile pace. I did this but I could feel the effect of all the days exercises. I figured it was time to call it a day because after all I did cover over 10 miles between power walking and jogging. Tomorrow the training class adds more miles and it will be interesting to see how my new exercise routine affects my regular running. I suspect I will keep in shape with my new job and best of all I am doing something I enjoy.

Somehow Someway

The “mail call” came yesterday and I received three pieces of mail from three different individuals. One was from my mom which was a very nice letter informing me on a few daily events with my children and wife. Another was from the “normal” inmate who I befriended at the reception center. I did send him a letter a few weeks and I was hoping he was finally transferred but as of the date of the letter, October 30th he was not. I saw an inmate who I met back at the reception center who recently arrived here and he told me the “normal” inmate did receive his transfer last week. He could not recall where he was going, but I am very happy to learn he has finally been transferred. The third letter was from an old dear friend and was exceptional. I am so blessed to be surrounded by wonderful amazing people such as this exceptional friend. The words in the letter were magnificent and after I read it I had learned something about myself and this blog.

The writer of the letter pointed out (very astutely I may add) the need for me to keep writing this blog because I need an outlet for my recovery. The writer went on to state that I currently do not have the ability to attend any Gamblers Anonymous meetings and this blog acts as my sharing/therapy. This is very true and I sort of knew this but as I read the letter the words really resonated with me. Without this blog my time away and my recovery would be very difficult. Currently the only outlet for my recovery is myself. There weren’t any Programs available nor is there any compulsive gambling counseling. Thankfully, I have been given a very solid foundation in the Gamblers Anonymous Program and events though meetings are currently unavailable I will continue to work my recovery each and everyday with a positive purpose. Every time I receive a letter it is always special and yesterday it was extra special.

After doing basically nothing yesterday except for writing, I decided to join many of my dorm mates in the television area or some TV viewing. Monday Night TV consists of Prison Break (still the favorite among inmates everywhere!) and Heroes. I have only seen “Prison Break” once before and that was only half the show so I am a little lost on what is going on. I was a little disinterested, but I wanted to keep my seat for Heroes which was coming on next. I have watched most of the season of Heroes and I must say it is a very original show. Where it goes from here I have no idea but it is very interesting. Towards the end of “Prison Break” the ducats were handed out for the following day. I still had some hope of receiving the Instructor ducat but it truly was a very faint hope. A whole group of ducats were passed out but there was none for me. Then two minutes later another group of ducats was passed out and again I did not receive any. Two more minutes went by and one more ducat was passed through the window and yes, it was for me informing me of starting the Instructor position first thing this morning. Can you say WHEW!? and Yey!!!?

Somehow someway even though I did not speak with the “Coach” yesterday I finally received the ducat. Someone is certainly looking out for me and I am so grateful. When this ducat was passed to me to say I was excited would be an understatement, I was elated and a big broad smile appeared on my face. According to the ducat I was to report at 6:30 in the morning and the actual hours of the position are 6:30 am to 2:30 pm. However, from my observations I have not seen the Instructors start until 7:30 am due to the unlock procedures. Whatever the case I was starting the job I have wanted since I learned I couldn’t be a clerk.

A quick transition to something totally unrelated and I will get back to the Instructor position very shortly. As I was listening to news radio last night before the television programs started I heard a report on a lawsuit which was filed regarding the overcrowding of the California prisons. This lawsuit was filed by the same group of attorneys who were successful with their lawsuit regarding the medical woes of the California Prison system. In the current lawsuit they contend the overcrowding is putting the medical system under duress. Also the overcrowding needs to be addressed now and these should only be 100,000 inmates not 173,000 inmates on the system. The lawsuit stated the overcrowding is cruel and unusual punishment because adequate medical care cannot be administered. What happens from here is anyone’s guess and how this affects me who knows. I do believe something will be done in regard to the prison overcrowding but it probably won’t happen until well after my release date. I figure my attorney’s other embezzlement client who was first given probation but violated that probation and will be (or has I am not sure) given a term of ten years. Most likely something will be done about the overcrowding when this person is serving his sentence and he will be released early, which would probably mean he would serve a term shorter than mine. It is just my theory and believe it or not this doesn’t matter to me at all. Whatever happens will happen and I know as long as I continue to work my recovery life will be great.

Back to my Instructor story, last night it rained very hard but the forecast called for the rain to stop last night. This is important because if it rains very hard there isn’t a training class which means I would have to wait another day to start my new job. I needed to get a good night’s sleep but I was still very excited so falling asleep was more difficult than usual. I did fall asleep after 11:00 pm and woke up around 4:30 am. When I woke up I looked at the window and couldn’t see two feet into the yard because of the fog. Immediately, I thought “great, the training class will be cancelled due to fog.” I did return to my bunk but I stayed awake for the next hour and a half. Much to my surprise I watched the fog recede little by little and by 6:00 am the visibility improved. I got out of my bunk at this time in order to get ready. I was hoping to attend an early breakfast so I could get to the training class as soon as possible. Some days early breakfast is available and some days it is not. This all depends on the C/O’s schedule. This morning there wasn’t any early breakfast and when the C/O came to give us our breakfast unlock she informed all of us that we had to return directly back to the dormitory for an emergency count due to the fog. (Apparently, this count happens often especially due to the fog. It was very foggy and losing an inmate was a distinct possibility. The C/O’s needed to ensure everyone was present and accounted.) So much for me starting my new position early. After breakfast I returned directly to the dormitory for the emergency count. I returned at 8:00 am and waited until 9:15 am for the emergency count. Now it was getting to a point where I was truly wondering if there would be a training class this morning. The fog receded completely but the task of completing the count was delaying everything this morning.

Finally a little past 10:00 am the C/O provided an unlock for workers and today was my first day as an actual worker. I went over to the basketball court where the training class is held and met up with the other instructors. I was told I needed to see the “Coach” who was in his office which is located inside the gymnasium. Of course, gymnasiums inside the California Department of Corrections are no longer gymnasiums they are dormitories but the “Coach” did maintain an actual office away from where all the bunks are placed. I went into the gym and headed for the “Coach’s” office. (This is only the second time I have been inside the gym. The first time was on the day I arrived. I didn’t really observe the conditions back then but today as I looked around I realized how fortunate I am to be placed in an actual 36 man dormitory not the 300 man gym-dormitory, yet another example of someone looking out for me.) When I got to the “Coach’s” office I was informed he was not there but would be arriving shortly. I was going back outside because quite frankly I didn’t want to spend anymore time inside the gym/dorm then I had to and as soon as I got to the door the “Coach” was coming inside. We greeted each other and I accompanied him back to his office. I filled out some paperwork and we had some small talk. One of the questions he asked me was my age and when I told him I was 41 he said, “I hope your testerone level has peaked”. I told him he won’t have to worry about this because I have an even keeled personality. He just smiled and handed me my “uniform”. The uniform consists of one pair of sweat pants, one sweatshirt, three tee shirts, three shorts and one pair of brand new New Balance Hi-Top Black Basketball shoes. (Not sure why I was given basketball shoes when we do a great deal of power walking and jogging. It may have something to do with durability because I have to give all these items back when I am transferred to fire camp.) All of the shirts and pants are a plum color which says “PFT Instructor.” Now there is no way to hide on the yard because there are only 7 of us who wear these garments. So much for my invisible/visible plan of action, I stick out like a sore thumb. It does not matter because I realized that no matter how much I try to be invisible in a place like this it is next to impossible. No matter what I am wearing I stick out like a sore thumb anyway. The fact that I finally got this position is a very good thing in my book and now I have a definitive routine Monday through Friday.

After adorning my new uniform, the “Coach” led me outside where the class had just started their two mile power walk. I quickly caught up to them and joined the walk. I was a little lost during the class because no one was giving me any direction. I was observing and listening to the other instructors. This was Day 2 of 8 day training class and even though I didn’t do much other than the power walking and jogging the 3 hours flew by. This afternoon was the daily training class which I am very familiar with. I was standing in front of the group for the first time and it felt good. I won’t get an opportunity to lead the class until a few weeks from now and I will be patient. They want to ease me in which is fine by me. I was told I would be responsible for all the jogging and running because the other instructors know my endless jogging routine. I look forward to doing whatever is asked of me because I am very happy to be doing something. Thankfully, this something is also productive. I am all about being productive because the 11 cents an hour won’t go too far even in a place like this. Yes, that is correct the position pays 11 cents an hour for the first 90 days and goes up to a whopping 17 cents an hour after 90 days. Also, due to my restitution order the prison will deduct 55% of this wage literally leaving me with pennies. Again, none of this matters. I used to make six figures and now I am making practically nothing, but I am finally at peace with myself thanks to my recovery and this is what matters most.

Nothing Day

I had a great deal of hope when I woke up this morning (the key word is had!) at 6:00 am. I brushed my teeth and got dressed and headed toward the television area to watch the news. I watched a little over an hour then it was time for breakfast. My dormitory is directly across the yard from the dining hall, however, there is no cutting across the yard because everyone must walk counter clockwise around the track when entering and exiting the dining hall. My dormitory gains neither advantage nor disadvantage because it is the same distance walking clockwise or counter clockwise, it resides directly in the middle of all the dormitories. As I headed toward the dining hall past the basketball courts where the physical firefighting training is held, I kept a close watch for the “Coach”. I was anxious to see him so I could inquire about my status in becoming an instructor. Unfortunately as I passed this area the “Coach” was no where to be seen. I could not “hang out” and wait for him because the C/O’s have a no loitering (no matter the reason) policy this time in the morning.

I kept going into the dining hall. This morning’s breakfast of a fruit Danish, oatmeal, grape juice and non-fat milk had many inmates complaining. They were complaining because the Danish was rather small and most of them (excluding me) are not crazy about the oatmeal. As I do every morning I traded away one part of my breakfast (the fruit Danish) for more oatmeal and fruit juice. This meal did not bother me because it is what I eat just about everyday but the portion of oatmeal even when doubled up seemed a bit skimpy. I finished my breakfast and headed back outside. An interesting thing happened as I exited the dining hall. The C/O who inspects everyone when they exit the dining hall stopped me and asked me to raise my right pant leg. (Some inmates place the apple or banana in their sock underneath their pant leg, this is what the C/O was looking for in my pant leg.) I was so startled when he stopped me (because this the first time it has happened) I lifted my left pant leg. As soon as I lifted my left leg I instantly apologized and lifted my right pant leg to reveal my sock without any fruit attached. The C/O did thank me and apologized for the brief inconvenience. This was fine and I certainly was not put off because he was doing his job. I guess my four inch cuffs from my double X pants were bulging more so than usual which is why he stopped me. I have observed this C/O a few other times and it seems when he stops inmates he usually finds something but not on me. I had two peanut butter packets in my back pocket which didn’t concern him at all. The emphasis is on the fruit because it can be turned into “Pruno” (alcohol) and I haven’t heard peanut butter being turned into “Pruno” so I was safe.

After this little surprise, I walked outside and turned my attention to the basketball court in search of the “Coach”. Again I didn’t see him but I thought I saw another “civilian” (not an inmate or C/O) standing near the instructor and I thought to myself maybe the “Coach” is on vacation. I was hoping this was not the case because I really wanted to find out my status today and not have to wait another week. I made it back around to my dormitory and the “Coach” was nowhere in sight. Again I couldn’t wait for him outside the dormitory because this is prohibited so I went back. Even though it was not my tier’s turn for morning yard the C/O who works on Mondays is very cool and has always let me out when I tell him I want to do the training class. While I was inside I changed into my workout attire (shorts, running shoes, tee shirt, and sweat shirt) and waited patiently for the morning yard to open. It was now time for the yard to be opened and the C/O came to the dormitory to give us an unlock. When the door opened, I asked the C/O if I could get outside so I could attend the training class. The C/O said, “No, because the yard will not be opened this morning and there will not be a training class.”

When I heard this news I was extremely disappointed because this time I was able to spot the “Coach” and was looking forward to speaking with him. Also, I so wanted to workout this morning because the weather was again very cool and overcast which is great for running. Of course my disappointment turned into hope because I thought I would be able to workout this afternoon during yard and I would be able to talk with the “Coach”. I was happy to see the him because it meant he was not on vacation and I would have an answer today regarding my status. I went back to my bunk and listened to my CD Radio player. I needed a break from writing and I am still looking for a good book to read so I just relaxed and listened to the news from San Francisco on the radio.

As I was listening to the radio, I was keeping an eye on the (real) training class outside. Even though morning yard was cancelled the real training class was still going on because today was the day one for this class. Also, I should have been outside helping as an instructor but I was relegated to watching it from my window. Watching the class I realized how good the job of instructor would be and I think I would be fairly good at it. The class does start out very slowly introducing the inmates to the power walking, jogging, and exercises. It appeared to be very slow moving which would take some getting used to because most of my exercising sessions is anything but. I do have to remember the Instructors are there to assist, coach and instruct, exercising is just a by-product of the position. There will be plenty of time for me to exercise when the class has finished.

It was now fast approaching 11:00 am and the rumor in the dormitory was the afternoon yard was cancelled. Of course, I don’t believe anything until it is confirmed by someone other than an inmate but I was very discouraged by this information. The C/O came to the dormitory a few minutes later to unlock for some of my dorm mates returning from various administrative appointments. When I saw him I asked if we were going to have afternoon yard and he responded, “No”. There was no explanation just a “No”. There is no need for an explanation and now I was very disappointed after hearing this; I asked the C/O if I could get outside so I could speak with the “Coach”. He took a look toward where the “Coach” was standing which was in front of the training class and tuned back toward me and said “No, he is busy now.” Then he locked the door. Even though I really wanted to speak with the “Coach”, I did not press the issue with the C/O because all my other dealings with this C/O have been very positive and I didn’t want to get on his bad side. I just watched as he locked the door and bit my tongue.

I stood by the door for the next hour in hopes of getting outside when the training class took a break for lunch. I watched the remainder of the class and around 12:30 pm the class was finished. A few of my dorm mates ((two) are in this class and they were headed back to the dormitory. I knew the C/O would provide them with an unlock and I was hopeful to reach the “Coach” during this unlock. As my dorm mates were walking toward the dorm I watched the “Coach” have a meeting with all the Instructors for a minute or so. When this meeting was finished, all the Instructors were headed for their dorms and the “Coach” was headed for his office. Their day was over and the problem was I cannot access his office by going out into the yard. I needed a gate pass or ducat in order to gain access to his office. As soon as I saw the “coach” go towards his office I knew today was a nothing day. I didn’t even ask the C/O if I could go outside when he gave my dorm mates an unlock, it was not worth it. Tomorrow is another day and hopefully our temporary lock down will be over and we will be allowed outside.

When I realized getting outside to exercise and talking to the “Coach” was not going to happen I thought about doing an exercise routine in the dormitory. The problem is the dormitory is very small and the space I could work on rests between my bunk and my neighbor’s bunk. Some of my dorm mates exercise inside the dormitory but the one time I tried it I felt very uncomfortable. With the way I sweat during a workout it will invariably drip into a place it should not and this has the potential to be very bad. All of my dorm mates are very cool and it may not be a problem but I decided to rest (for the second day on a row) today. If we are on an extended lock down then I will certainly workout inside. But not exercising today certainly won’t kill me but I look forward to do “something” tomorrow.

Today was one of those down days. I seemed to get into a bit of a rhythm with my routine which was ended today. I was hopeful when I woke up this morning, but that turned into more frustration. Thankfully, I have a very good foundation in my recovery or today could have been much worse. All of the things which happened today were well beyond my control. I am at the mercy of the system and I do accept this fact. There is nothing I can do except to look forward to tomorrow morning where I will start the process once again. Maybe today was yet another one of those “tests” which I know are only temporary and my reality will begin with my family very soon.

Loose Ends

Today marks four months exactly since my sentencing date which means I have 20 months (give or take a few for fire camp) left to serve on my sentence. The four months also means the judge cannot change his mind regarding my sentence - not that he would have anyway. The judge had 12 weeks to recall me if he thought my sentence was too harsh as he did with the lady (DUI) who killed a motorcyclist and permanently injured the passenger - who was the wife. The judge who is the same one I had did recall the lady and sentenced her to probation thus eliminating her original 2 year sentence he imposed. There never was “not” going to be a reprieve for me from the judge but today officially marks me a ward of CDC solely.

The four months have gone by relatively quickly since I was transferred here. The first month in the county jail stood still because I was unable to do anything other than read and write. I have no idea how some inmates serve two and three years in the county jail because time stands still. Once I was transferred to the reception center and I started working in the kitchen time started to move rather quickly. Even though I am currently not working I am hoping to hear something tomorrow. I am able to make the most of my days by exercising and I have developed a routine.

Last night I read a weeks worth of USA Today. It was from a week ago but that is the closest to current newspapers I have read in four months. Of course, many of the articles had to do with the upcoming election which has already past but it was good to read again! USA Today is perfect to catch up news because it gives the little snippets from across the country and all of the articles are short and concise. It is like reading “Cliff Notes” for current news, business, sports, and life sections. I still read the sports section but my focus has changed dramatically. I no longer study the box scores and the statistics. I do read the human interest and media stories. There is a whole other world to sports which I neglected due to my compulsive gambling addiction. When I was reading the newspaper my legs were not shaking like they did some 20 months ago. God knows I have a great deal of idle time inside a place like this. Thanks to my recovery I have found many ways to pass that time which does not include gambling.

This brings me to something I have been saving since I arrived here over three weeks ago. It was my first day. Some of the inmates who I came with on the bus from the reception center were introducing me to other inmates they knew from previous terms. It sure seems like I am the only first-term inmate. I am sure there are others but they are rare. I was introduced to one of “Key” inmates who also happens to be from near where I used to live in Southern Cal which instantly made me a “homeboy” with this inmate. I don’t really like to use the word “hate” so I will use dislike. I strongly dislike this “moniker” of homeboy but it is one of the prison things which I will not go up against. Just because I used to live in an area near this inmate, I am required to be friends with him. The only things we have in common is the fact that we are both inmates. However, in prison there is strength in number and this strength has to come from somewhere. Sorry about the digression, but I truly don’t like some of the monikers but I do grin and bear it.

Back to the “key” inmate ~ he was speaking to me giving me the layout of the land (so to speak) He said to me – (please keep in mind I have never met this person before) If you want alcohol, tobacco, or drugs I can get it for you.” Then he added, “The only thing I ask is for you not to run up your gambling debts especially to other races because this can get you into a lot of trouble. I nodded and thanked him. We then parted ways. I thought to myself how in prison gambling debts are worse than doing drugs and I thought his advice was very sound. Certainly I have no intention of gambling – thanks to my recovery – and I also thought it a bit ironic that doing drugs is acceptable but gambling excessively is not!

Over the course of the past three weeks since this conversation, I have minded my own business and have become the “guy who runs all those laps” which is a good thing. I have also observed a great deal over this period and I am amazed as to what goes on. I guess it goes back to the concept of “where there is a will there is way”. Some of these things are a bit unrealistic but it is the realty of prison. Things that are not supposed to go on - do go on and it is almost impossible to stop them. The poor CO’s can only do so much and many of them are working so much mandatory overtime they are exhausted and don’t have the energy. I do my best to mind my own business and go about my “program” everyday. I am enjoying that and also enjoy learning from my temporary environment. This is a key fact that this is only temporary and when my sentence is complete my realty starts anew with my beloved family. I certainly can’t wait for this reality to start but I do know it will be here very soon.

I know someone is watching over me because last night after I lamented about my mattress situation, the CO came into the dorm and called two of my dorm mates out. When they returned they were carrying two brand new mattresses. Unfortunately, they were for the two inmates. They needed to do something with their old mattresses – one was given to another dorm mate and the other was given to me! I was sitting on my bunk and the inmate with the new mattress asked me if I wanted his old mattress. I gratefully jumped at the chance even though it was not a new mattress; it was more cushioning because I place it on top of my old mattress. The “new-old” mattress was much thicker than my old one, so by combining the two I have much more comfort and support. I did receive a very restful sleep with my new mattress combination. It is not quite as thick as the new mattress but it is certainly better than what I had. I guess someone was listening to my bellyaching and I am very thankful. Sometimes its very strange how things continue to turn out in spite of the little obstacles.

I do have faith each day that everything will continue to workout very well because I am trying my best. This is all I can do and I do try as best as I can. Maybe all these good things are coincidence but I choose to believe it is all part of the plan. The saying in GA is, “You do good things and good things will happen.” I firmly believe and I am finally doing good things. I certainly did bad things and bad things have happened to me but as long as I continue to work my recovery, I will try and do fine things everyday.
I had yet another telephone call scheduled this morning but I couldn’t reach anyone. I tried but no one was home then I tried to reach my mother at my sister’s house to no avail. Unfortunately, I cannot call cell phones on the weekend. I can only call landlines and no one seemed available this morning. I scheduled a call for Tuesday morning which I may or may not be able to place depending on the conversation with the Coach tomorrow morning. If I start the Instructor job then I will not be able to call and I will have to wait until Thursday evening. I should be happy if I get to speak with my wife once a week and I need to get used to the idea that this is a good thing. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like enough but there are letters. Also, I would like to speak with my mother once a week but this is all dependent on so many variables so I will settle for every other week. Whatever the case at least I get to hear their voices. I do know the holidays are fast approaching and hopefully I will get to speak with my family on these days. I know it’s going to get exceedingly difficult as these holidays approach but presumably I will have only one other holiday season to get through after this or before I get to spend a lifetime of holidays with my family.

Marbles

Yesterday was our tier’s turn to go out into the yard. I have only gone out into the yard a few times because the times I had a telephone call scheduled I was denied entrance by the CO due to my status. According to the paperwork I received last week my status has been updated thus making me eligible for the evening yard. I was thinking about going out for the night yard as a change of pace. However, when I was walking back from dinner I noticed the air was chilly (probably in the upper 40’s) and I thought I really had no reason to go outside so I decided to stay in and read. The real clincher came when I was speaking with one of my dorm mates about books. I mentioned I needed another one and I was looking for a James Patterson novel. My dorm mate had a novel by him and when we got back he gave it to me.

As I started reading THE FOUR BLIND MICE, I knew there was no way I was going outside now. I was getting into the book and I had read for two hours straight because his books are very good and so hard to put down. I needed to rest my eyes because the lighting in the dorm is sub-standard at best and my eyes certainly needed a break. I forced myself to put the book down and close my eyes for 15 minutes and fell asleep. In these 15 minutes, a fight broke out in the yard between a few inmates – good thing I didn’t go outside. Of course I missed all the excitement – thankfully – because I was asleep. By the time I woke up the excitement was over and I had to find this out second hand.

I have seen a few fights in my four months of being incarcerated and the worst was the first one. Even though I didn’t see the fight this evening none of the paranoia or concern which were very present early on was there tonight. Maybe I am getting used to my surroundings and the fights – which thankfully have been few and far between – are just another one of those things I have no control over and I am no longer stressing about. I was happy to have missed all the commotion and I had no desire to inquire about the it because it certainly had nothing to do with me.

The dorm was abuzz when everyone came back from the yard but I just sat on my bunk and read my book which was so good I finished it today. Mr Patterson is a great author and tells a story so well. He doesn’t waste words and his books move so quickly. I am very impressed by his novels and now I am looking for more. According to the book jacket, he has written 23 novels – maybe more because this has a copyright date of 2002. I have read his books somewhat out of sequence but it really doesn’t matter because each novel stands on its own even though the central character – Alex Cross – is the same. My eyes are open for more of his books.

The positive thing about waking up early each morning is that I am very tired by 10:30 pm and fall asleep quickly. I don’t stay asleep for long because the CO’s come into the dorm at 11:00 pm for count. There are three counts: one at 4:15 pm where we have to sit up so they know we are alive, 9:05 pm again we have to sit up for the same reason, and the final one at 11:00 pm when we can be lying down. Even though I don’t have to sit up for this count, I seem to always wake up only to fall back asleep a few minutes later. My bunk is not comfortable and I did request a new mattress two weeks ago. I was told it takes “awhile” and the CO will let me know when it comes in. The one I currently have is about an inch thick (or thin) and it is like lying on the floor. I managed to get a pillow which isn’t so bad and at least my head is somewhat comfortable. Thankfully, I am exercising and tired at night so I can sleep. This may sound like I am complaining (sorry) but there are several dorm mates who have two mattress on their bunks which makes a big difference. I was told when - if? – I get my new one to place it on top of my existing one for extra comfort. Everything in prison is done on a first come first serve basis and I arrived to this dorm three weeks ago which is certainly not the first.

Waking up this morning was a bit unusual because the sun was not shining as it normally does. The sky was very overcast and there was a threat of rain. Unfortunately, due to the darkness I couldn’t read my book and didn’t really want to watch TV. Saturday and Sunday mornings is Spanish speaking television – which kind of drives me nuts and I wasn’t interested in watching. So I fiddled around with my radio and found a news radio station out of San Francisco. I laid in my bunk catching up on the news. When I was a kid I loved to play around with my clock radio especially at night and try to find far away radio stations. I do remember receiving a baseball game out of St. Louis one summer in NJ. But the farthest out of area, I received was Los Angeles! It only happened once, I guess the stars were aligned that night and I listened to a Dodger’s game. I don’t know why but I was always fascinated by receiving out of area stations, even now as an adult. Maybe this is why I was hooked on XM Satellite radio when it first came out.

It rained this morning and it was cool – in the upper 50’s. In James Patterson’s book, there is one passage which refers to “marbles in a jar” as it relates to life. An older character was giving advice to the lead character because he was always working on Saturdays and neglecting his children. The reference was having only so many Saturdays in a lifetime especially when reaching the age of 45 and to make the best of these days. The older character placed a jar with 1200 marbles – statistically the number of Saturdays left in a 45 year old’s lifetime. When Saturday was over he would take one out and place it in the empty jar. He was told to do this for every Saturday because one day he will run out of marbles and what would he have to show for it? The point was to make every marble count. I thought this was an excellent analogy. Unfortunately, I am losing a few marbles – no pun intended – while I am away from my family. I intend to not only make every Saturday count but to make everyday count. I have tried over the past 20 months to make each day a positive one thanks to my recovery. There is no way I can make up for all those lost marbles because they are gone forever. God willing I have a few marbles left and I will make the most out of all of them. When they are gone, hopefully, I will be able to continue to enjoy whatever life has in store. I do look forward to using my marbles wisely and embracing everyday as a new day especially when it comes to my family.

This afternoon it was time for yard and just in time because the rain had stopped. The skies were still overcast and the air had a bit of chill in it. I went outside in my shorts and sweatshirt. I started to jog and it felt great because the weather was so cool. I wanted to do 12 miles which equals to 36 laps around the track. Somewhere around mile 6 something happened and my jogging turned into running. As I ran, there are usually a few other inmates who are jogging as well but no one jogs as long as I do. They may run faster for a lap or two but always seem to stop. This afternoon around mile six another inmate was running at a good pace and somewhere inside me my competitiveness kicked in. I decided to catch up to him and run in front for as long as I could. This didn’t last long because after this inmate’s second lap he stopped but I continued at the pace for the remainder of my run. I did indeed make the 12 miles; in fact, I ran 37 laps which equals 12.3 miles. I didn’t take off my sweatshirt the entire time of my run and I really felt very good. I finished the run in about an hour and 34 minutes (thanks to my trusty “girl” watch) which is nowhere near my fast times but it was certainly good considering the condition.

I do get a great deal of looks when I am running and most of them are in disbelief. After I finished, I saw some of the inmates I have become friendly with and I must say they are very nice to me. One had just gone to the store (I am still waiting because my money has yet to be transferred from the reception center, hopefully this week I can go). He gave me some soups and a jar of peanut butter. I also received some more soup from another inmate so I have to stop being so selfish about my food. Heck, it is only food and if someone needs something I will give it to him. I was very territorial about my tortilla chips and wheat thins but I was just being foolish. I was wrong not sharing my food and I promptly admit my mistake. Each day seems filled with surprises and these surprises have been very pleasant.