The pre-summer heat is upon Jamestown over the past two days and the temperature has been in the 90’s, and with little ventilation inside the dorm it feels even hotter. A few months ago, my mother asked me if I needed a fan and at the time I didn’t. Now I am regretting that decision as a fan is most definitely necessary. I already received my quarterly package and by the time I get my next package I hopefully will be in fire camp.
I completed writing and still had about 2 hours before the afternoon yard opened. I spent this time listening to the radio and peaking into the television area where my dorm mates were watching the NBA game. I didn’t have much interest in the game so I went back to my bunk where I listened to the radio. Normally, the station I listen to has a weekly recap of the events of the past week. However, yesterday there was a horrific accident on one of San Francisco’s major thoroughfares and this was being reported. Quite amazingly, no one was killed and only one person (the truck driver) was injured. A gasoline tanker lost control and flipped over. It then caught fire and the heat was so intense it melted the roadway above which caught on fire. This caused the roadway to collapse. This area is one of the most congested roadways in the San Francisco Bay area and averages 270,000 commuters from Monday thru Friday. Since the accident occurred very early Sunday morning, the damages would have been much worse. Timing certainly helps in many events and the timing of this accident was very fortunate to happen when it did. I listened to some of the reports and it looks like it is going to take months to repair the roadways. Much to the credit of the California Department of Transportation and the Governor’s Office, work has already started to repair this area. I have seen the accident on the local news and this was an extremely intense big fire. Someone was looking out for them because the damage could have been so much worse. I was fascinated with the reports regarding this incident.
Since I was going to run during the afternoon yesterday, I needed something to hold me through the run so I broke down and ate half of a power bar. I was saving them for fire camp but yesterday was the perfect opportunity to have one which was my first bar in 9 ½ months! Before I came to this place I would have one every day at my desk after working out. I sure did miss the taste of it!
AS I was doing my run, I noticed my friend walking on the track with a distinct frown on his face which was very unusual for him. As I ran by, I asked what was wrong. He told me why he was upset. He didn’t receive everything he wanted in his quarterly package, Apparently, his girlfriend only ordered half of what he wanted and neglected to tell him.
As soon as I heard this, I told my friend he was fortunate to even receive a package. He really didn’t want to hear what I was saying; he just wanted to vent. I, on the other hand wanted him to focus on the positive. It is so easy inside of a place like this to focus on negatives and this is what my friend was doing. He didn’t receive any food in his package and he was very upset with his girlfriend. I watched him as I ran as he was talking with many inmates regarding this matter and all of them commiserated with him except me. I will not focus on the negative for myself and I told my friend this later in the afternoon. My friend has so much to be grateful for and I can understand his frustration but to me he had misplaced anger issues. I don’t know the entire history of my friend and his girlfriend but I suspect his anger ran deeper than the botched package. I’m not sure if I made any headway, but I did get him to smile.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Overcrowding Bill
After watching the Yankee game, I turned on the radio since I had nothing to read and listened to the news station broadcast from San Francisco. This is one of the three AM stations I receive – one is an all sports station out of SF and the other is a talk show station out of Las Vegas. I heard a very interesting report regarding the newly passed bill for the overcrowding of the prison’s relief. It was an interview with a newspaper reporter out of Sacramento who covers the state legislature. This reporter was saying the bill was pushed through both houses so fast (within 12 hours of final resolution) that he doubted most legislators actually read the bill. He related this to something out of Chicago where they notoriously push bills through without much study. The reporter went on to give more specifics on the bill and also stated that the reason why the bill was pushed through so fast was due to the fact that the Prison Guards Union was against it. If the legislators had more time to decide on the bill it would have failed because the very powerful prison union would have rallied to defeat it. Apparently, the creators of the bill knew this and this is why it went through so fast. He didn’t get into why they are against the bill, but I can only guess and say the bill dilutes their power.
The other interesting fact about the interview was the specifics of the bill. Apparently, it is a two-part plan. The first part includes the immediate creation of 18,000 new beds at existing prisons throughout the state. The second part of the plan is predicated on rehabilitative goods through Programs. Once these goals are achieved, an additional 35,000 new prison beds are added. The entire bill costs seven billion dollars and based on what the reporter was saying, he very much doubts the second phase of the plan will make it since any rehabilitative goals in the past have NEVER been achieved. Finally, the reporter brought up that the core issues of sentencing and parole reforms were not addressed in the bill. These are the real issues for the overcrowding problem and the fact that they weren’t addressed leads me to believe the State Legislature has put a band-aid in place where a body cast was needed.
The one issue I was most wanting to hear regarding how the Federal Judge fits into this new plan was not talked about. From this report, it seems the legislators needed to do something regarding the overcrowding situation in the California Prisons but fell woefully short. I’m not sure how they can add any beds to an already overcrowded situation. To me this is compounding the problem. The situation is already bad and now it is going to get worse. I do wonder if the Federal Judge ever has any jurisdiction over this new plan. Does this mean that this bill is now in place and the overcrowding issue has been resolved? I don’t have the answers to these questions, but something does not seem right. I guess over the next month I will have answers to my questions regarding whether the Federal Judge is set to rule on the overcrowding matters on June 4th. The general consensus inside here is the Federal Judge will see right through the state’s current plan, but these aren’t objective points of views. All I can say is based on what I have heard the problem has not been fixed and will only get worse. No politician wants to release any felon, but what will be the real cost when this problem is finally resolved? This probably won’t happen for another 10 years and hopefully California’s economy keeps streaming along because the potential costs of incarcerating over 200,000 prisoners are staggering and has a potential of bankrupting the state.
Since there was only 35 minutes to the evening yard, my friend and I walked and talked about the overcrowding bill and how he believes the Federal Judge will see through this plan and will ultimately take over the prison system. I’m not sold on this concept because I feel I am missing some information. We also talked about getting to Fire Camp. My friend finished his requirements one week ago and is ready to be transferred. It would not surprise me he is transferred this week and it would be great if we were transferred to the same Fire Camp together! We arrived here over 6 months together and it would be wonderful to leave together. We also talked about a former Instructor who was transferred to Fire Camp last week and after two days, he was sent back here for talking back to a CO. As I told my friend the story about the Instructor, he also agreed that it wasn’t very smart on his part. My friend also subscribes to the theory of keeping his mouth shut in the presence of authority!
The other interesting fact about the interview was the specifics of the bill. Apparently, it is a two-part plan. The first part includes the immediate creation of 18,000 new beds at existing prisons throughout the state. The second part of the plan is predicated on rehabilitative goods through Programs. Once these goals are achieved, an additional 35,000 new prison beds are added. The entire bill costs seven billion dollars and based on what the reporter was saying, he very much doubts the second phase of the plan will make it since any rehabilitative goals in the past have NEVER been achieved. Finally, the reporter brought up that the core issues of sentencing and parole reforms were not addressed in the bill. These are the real issues for the overcrowding problem and the fact that they weren’t addressed leads me to believe the State Legislature has put a band-aid in place where a body cast was needed.
The one issue I was most wanting to hear regarding how the Federal Judge fits into this new plan was not talked about. From this report, it seems the legislators needed to do something regarding the overcrowding situation in the California Prisons but fell woefully short. I’m not sure how they can add any beds to an already overcrowded situation. To me this is compounding the problem. The situation is already bad and now it is going to get worse. I do wonder if the Federal Judge ever has any jurisdiction over this new plan. Does this mean that this bill is now in place and the overcrowding issue has been resolved? I don’t have the answers to these questions, but something does not seem right. I guess over the next month I will have answers to my questions regarding whether the Federal Judge is set to rule on the overcrowding matters on June 4th. The general consensus inside here is the Federal Judge will see right through the state’s current plan, but these aren’t objective points of views. All I can say is based on what I have heard the problem has not been fixed and will only get worse. No politician wants to release any felon, but what will be the real cost when this problem is finally resolved? This probably won’t happen for another 10 years and hopefully California’s economy keeps streaming along because the potential costs of incarcerating over 200,000 prisoners are staggering and has a potential of bankrupting the state.
Since there was only 35 minutes to the evening yard, my friend and I walked and talked about the overcrowding bill and how he believes the Federal Judge will see through this plan and will ultimately take over the prison system. I’m not sold on this concept because I feel I am missing some information. We also talked about getting to Fire Camp. My friend finished his requirements one week ago and is ready to be transferred. It would not surprise me he is transferred this week and it would be great if we were transferred to the same Fire Camp together! We arrived here over 6 months together and it would be wonderful to leave together. We also talked about a former Instructor who was transferred to Fire Camp last week and after two days, he was sent back here for talking back to a CO. As I told my friend the story about the Instructor, he also agreed that it wasn’t very smart on his part. My friend also subscribes to the theory of keeping his mouth shut in the presence of authority!
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Friday Night Fights
While I waited for the unlock, the talk in the dorm again centered on resolution for the overcrowding issue. Apparently, someone heard an interview with the head of the very powerful CO Union who stated that this resolution is very disappointing. I thought this was a very surprising comment from this individual because now his membership will continue to grow and prosper. However, this person went on to talk about sentencing reform along with parole reform which was not addressed in the resolution. I do agree that the problem has not been fixed and I wonder what is going to happen in two years when the additional beds are at capacity and the overcrowding is even worse than it is now.
After I ate, I heard the alarm go off outside. I went over to the window to see if it was another false alarm. I would say 90% of these alarms are either false or have nothing to do with my yard. Well, this alarm was in the 10% category as I looked out the window to my left where I saw a group of inmates fighting. I watched for a minute and then I heard a loud “pop” which was the CO in the tower shooting at the inmates who were fighting. These guns are called “block” guns and shoot blocks of wood. They are not meant to harm any of the inmates; they are meant to get their attention. This one “pop” did get their attention as just about all the inmates stopped and went to the ground. Apparently, I was late to look outside as the “good stuff” happened before I looked out.
A group of about 35 inmates started their own “Friday Night Fights” out in the yard right in front of one of the towers. My first thought was “I sure hope my race wasn’t included.” Heck, this was my only thought, sorry. I didn’t want to go on lockdown because there is only so much exercise I can do inside. I did have a second thought which was – this was the first real fight I have seen in my six months here. This is certainly a good thing and the fact I was safely in my dorm when it occurred also helped. It took the CO’s an hour to sort everything out. This meant the inmates who were not involved but were outside had to stay down on their stomachs the whole time, not a very comfortable position for 60 minutes.
As the CO’s sorted everything out, everyone watched as we all wondered which races were involved. It appeared mostly all of the races except for mine were involved. I did breathe a sigh of relief but it looks like it is back to the “control feeding” for breakfast and dinner which will further delay matters. Also, yard time for the weekend is in question for everyone. I am hoping to have yard Saturday morning so I can call my family, but I learned a long time ago any telephone call I get is a blessing. If it doesn’t happen, there will be another call at another time.
After I ate, I heard the alarm go off outside. I went over to the window to see if it was another false alarm. I would say 90% of these alarms are either false or have nothing to do with my yard. Well, this alarm was in the 10% category as I looked out the window to my left where I saw a group of inmates fighting. I watched for a minute and then I heard a loud “pop” which was the CO in the tower shooting at the inmates who were fighting. These guns are called “block” guns and shoot blocks of wood. They are not meant to harm any of the inmates; they are meant to get their attention. This one “pop” did get their attention as just about all the inmates stopped and went to the ground. Apparently, I was late to look outside as the “good stuff” happened before I looked out.
A group of about 35 inmates started their own “Friday Night Fights” out in the yard right in front of one of the towers. My first thought was “I sure hope my race wasn’t included.” Heck, this was my only thought, sorry. I didn’t want to go on lockdown because there is only so much exercise I can do inside. I did have a second thought which was – this was the first real fight I have seen in my six months here. This is certainly a good thing and the fact I was safely in my dorm when it occurred also helped. It took the CO’s an hour to sort everything out. This meant the inmates who were not involved but were outside had to stay down on their stomachs the whole time, not a very comfortable position for 60 minutes.
As the CO’s sorted everything out, everyone watched as we all wondered which races were involved. It appeared mostly all of the races except for mine were involved. I did breathe a sigh of relief but it looks like it is back to the “control feeding” for breakfast and dinner which will further delay matters. Also, yard time for the weekend is in question for everyone. I am hoping to have yard Saturday morning so I can call my family, but I learned a long time ago any telephone call I get is a blessing. If it doesn’t happen, there will be another call at another time.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Still at Sierra~
The following blog is not from Paul - it is from me, his mother. I’m just going to take it upon myself to interrupt his blog and write my own.
Anyway, I just received another 46-page blog from him. There are two others pretty much the same length which I haven’t typed (please don’t tell him). I read the pages and detected a sadness about them, especially this blog that I received today. He is maintaining his positive attitude as best as he can, but inmates are leaving who have finished the training after him, weeks are going by while he is still waiting and being told he is transferring soon and nothing is happening.
He writes about his daughter who sent him a letter asking, “Why, Daddy, why did you have to change everything, just why?” It was a very tough letter and he cried when he read it. He answered as best as he could and sent his response to her. He also learned that there is a possibility he might not be able to leave the state of California until the restitution is paid. It’s like being in a state of limbo for him and his family.
My anxiety right now is extreme because of the waiting and the waiting and the waiting. As you all know the sooner he gets to Fire Camp, the quicker he gets out. The old coach told him the Captain said he will be leaving shortly and when his wife spoke to the Captain, he said Paul was number 48 or so on the waiting list. If someone has a specific skill such as an electrician or mechanic, they will be transferred first. Some people don’t have specific skills and are transferred very quickly. I don’t know the answer. I just know this is very frustrating for him and for all of us.
I’m going to list his topics from this blog: Another Week of Waiting, More on My Daughter, Leading the Class, Feeling a Bit Blue, Eating Alone. As you can tell by the titles, he’s a little down. Thank goodness each and every minute, he is working the GA Recovery Program!
Please keep those letters coming to him. And, as I promised the blogs will continue as soon as he gets transferred to Fire Camp.
Love you all!
Anyway, I just received another 46-page blog from him. There are two others pretty much the same length which I haven’t typed (please don’t tell him). I read the pages and detected a sadness about them, especially this blog that I received today. He is maintaining his positive attitude as best as he can, but inmates are leaving who have finished the training after him, weeks are going by while he is still waiting and being told he is transferring soon and nothing is happening.
He writes about his daughter who sent him a letter asking, “Why, Daddy, why did you have to change everything, just why?” It was a very tough letter and he cried when he read it. He answered as best as he could and sent his response to her. He also learned that there is a possibility he might not be able to leave the state of California until the restitution is paid. It’s like being in a state of limbo for him and his family.
My anxiety right now is extreme because of the waiting and the waiting and the waiting. As you all know the sooner he gets to Fire Camp, the quicker he gets out. The old coach told him the Captain said he will be leaving shortly and when his wife spoke to the Captain, he said Paul was number 48 or so on the waiting list. If someone has a specific skill such as an electrician or mechanic, they will be transferred first. Some people don’t have specific skills and are transferred very quickly. I don’t know the answer. I just know this is very frustrating for him and for all of us.
I’m going to list his topics from this blog: Another Week of Waiting, More on My Daughter, Leading the Class, Feeling a Bit Blue, Eating Alone. As you can tell by the titles, he’s a little down. Thank goodness each and every minute, he is working the GA Recovery Program!
Please keep those letters coming to him. And, as I promised the blogs will continue as soon as he gets transferred to Fire Camp.
Love you all!
Thursday was a Day Off
The cosmic prison forces were at work yesterday. A low level inmate escaped from a nearby prison yesterday and a few inmates who reside in the gym here may have contacted TB. I’m not sure if the escape from the nearby prison had anything to do with the delays in the afternoon but it did in the morning. The possible TB outbreak has put the inmates who reside in the gym under quarantine.
A memo was circulated regarding the possible TB outbreak and it sounded promising. No inmate has displayed symptoms of TB as of yet but those inmates in the gym have to remain quarantined until further notice. I have realized that this prison is the giant petrie dish and any airborne illness such as TB can grow like wildfire. I have been in the gym a few times to speak with both the old and the new coach but this hasn’t been recently. I will not allow myself to contact this illness and will be out of here to fire camp next week. The power of positive thinking is truly powerful.
Mail call arrived and I received a partial letter from a dear friend. I am anxiously awaiting for the rest of the letter to find out what the good news is all about! The other item I received was a notice of disallowed mail which was from my wife and according to the notification, the disallowed mail were two “very large” newspaper clippings. According to the regulations, only 3” x 5” clippings are allowed and no more than 5. These will be returned to my wife at my expense, I will need to ask what these clippings were about when I speak with her next.
The possible TB outbreak in the gym has wrecked havoc on every yard opening and the evening yard was no exception. The inmates who reside in the gym were fed last and everyone else had to remain in their dorms completely segregated from these inmates to not possibly contact TB. This delayed the evening yard and cancelled the telephone sign-ups. To make matters worse the alarm went off when I got outside; I was down on the ground for 5 minutes before the “all clear” announcement was made. Yesterday was a lost day due to all the delays and restriction to the yard.
As my friend and I walked, we discussed the big news of the possible solving of the prison overcrowding crisis. My friend didn’t understand how this new law will help not only the immediate overcrowding issue but even the future overcrowding as well. He pointed out part of the problem lies in the parole and the sentencing. I can understand what he was saying as at least 60% of the inmates are here are for parole violations. The legislature had a great opportunity to change the sentencing and parole laws but failed. All they did was add more beds to an already overcrowded system and threw some money at some Programs. My friend was not sold that the Federal Judge would agree to this plan. I’m not sure if part of his response was a little denial but he made some very good points. I certainly don’t know what happens next with this law. I do know I have a release date sometime next February or March and after that I will be with my family. Of course it would be wonderful to join them sooner, but that possibility seems unlikely.
The proposal is as follows: The legislation has passed a plan to add 53,000 new beds throughout the prison system and have added re-entry programs for the inmates. The proposal will be passed on to the governor where he will sign it into law. This will cost 6.1 billion dollars which is much less than the 11 billion dollars proposed from the Governor. Apparently the Republicans and the Democrats compromised on certain aspects of this offer. I am a bit unclear as to how this relieves the current overcrowding conditions because to me this plan should take a few years to implement. Also, I am unclear as to whether or not the Federal Judge will have the final say. It was the Federal Judge who gave the state six months to develop a plan and to implement it. I am very interested to read the specifics of this and very interested to see how the Federal Judge rules in the coming weeks.
A memo was circulated regarding the possible TB outbreak and it sounded promising. No inmate has displayed symptoms of TB as of yet but those inmates in the gym have to remain quarantined until further notice. I have realized that this prison is the giant petrie dish and any airborne illness such as TB can grow like wildfire. I have been in the gym a few times to speak with both the old and the new coach but this hasn’t been recently. I will not allow myself to contact this illness and will be out of here to fire camp next week. The power of positive thinking is truly powerful.
Mail call arrived and I received a partial letter from a dear friend. I am anxiously awaiting for the rest of the letter to find out what the good news is all about! The other item I received was a notice of disallowed mail which was from my wife and according to the notification, the disallowed mail were two “very large” newspaper clippings. According to the regulations, only 3” x 5” clippings are allowed and no more than 5. These will be returned to my wife at my expense, I will need to ask what these clippings were about when I speak with her next.
The possible TB outbreak in the gym has wrecked havoc on every yard opening and the evening yard was no exception. The inmates who reside in the gym were fed last and everyone else had to remain in their dorms completely segregated from these inmates to not possibly contact TB. This delayed the evening yard and cancelled the telephone sign-ups. To make matters worse the alarm went off when I got outside; I was down on the ground for 5 minutes before the “all clear” announcement was made. Yesterday was a lost day due to all the delays and restriction to the yard.
As my friend and I walked, we discussed the big news of the possible solving of the prison overcrowding crisis. My friend didn’t understand how this new law will help not only the immediate overcrowding issue but even the future overcrowding as well. He pointed out part of the problem lies in the parole and the sentencing. I can understand what he was saying as at least 60% of the inmates are here are for parole violations. The legislature had a great opportunity to change the sentencing and parole laws but failed. All they did was add more beds to an already overcrowded system and threw some money at some Programs. My friend was not sold that the Federal Judge would agree to this plan. I’m not sure if part of his response was a little denial but he made some very good points. I certainly don’t know what happens next with this law. I do know I have a release date sometime next February or March and after that I will be with my family. Of course it would be wonderful to join them sooner, but that possibility seems unlikely.
The proposal is as follows: The legislation has passed a plan to add 53,000 new beds throughout the prison system and have added re-entry programs for the inmates. The proposal will be passed on to the governor where he will sign it into law. This will cost 6.1 billion dollars which is much less than the 11 billion dollars proposed from the Governor. Apparently the Republicans and the Democrats compromised on certain aspects of this offer. I am a bit unclear as to how this relieves the current overcrowding conditions because to me this plan should take a few years to implement. Also, I am unclear as to whether or not the Federal Judge will have the final say. It was the Federal Judge who gave the state six months to develop a plan and to implement it. I am very interested to read the specifics of this and very interested to see how the Federal Judge rules in the coming weeks.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
The Secret
When the mail call came I received two letters from my mother. Interestingly, one of the letters was mailed from Colorado when she was visiting my sister and the other was mailed from New Jersey upon her return home. I received both of these letters on the same day in spite of them being sent 3 days apart and some 2000 miles apart. The mail delivery can be categorized as very inconsistent which falls into the theme of prison; “the only consistency is inconsistency”. Anyhow these were excellent letters and something my Mom wrote stood out. She was telling me about “The Secret” which is energy in the Universe. As my mother wrote, “Basically it’s energy – what you give is what you get.” An example of this in golf before a particular swing (actually all swings and putts) the great golfers visualize their shot. Tiger Woods comes to mind as he sees every shot before he even makes a swing. In a grander scale – it is a goal which needs to be reinforced every day with visualization. My mom went on to provide me with several examples of people we knew who used this technique – one is my younger sister who has been using this method before it was labeled “The Secret”. Essentially it is the power of positive thinking with visualization – it is affirmative realization.
Practically all of my life I thought of myself as a positive person who is kind, caring, and giving. However, I let my compulsive gambling take over my life and made me a thief who is currently in prison. Reading this letter made me realize I have to be 100% or more positive in all aspects of my life. I should not and will not qualify matters anymore. The adage of “hope for the best but expect the worse” does not hold true for me anymore. I expect the best and will approach everything with a truly positive focus. For instance, I will be transferred to Fire Camp next week not I hope to be transferred next week. Yes, I fully understand there are so many events which are out of my control; however, this does not preclude me from being positive and using the positive energy. Happiness, love, and excellence surrounds me in all areas of my life and now I have to channel the positive energy out. Yes, I messed up but it will not define me as a person. I am a good person and have always been a good person. I made a mistake which is now in the past and I am living a positive, purposeful life with meaning. I no longer exist - I live - with such wonders. These wonders are all of my family. Life does get better with each passing day.
I don’t know if what I am writing about makes any sense to anyone other than me, but this very simple concept of positive energy out equals positive energy back rings so true. I am done apologizing for my behaviors of the past and I am a better person today than I have ever been in my life. I live for today with positive energy in all facets. It felt so good to read this letter from my mother and “The Secret” hit home with me. I have been on the peripheral of the “The Secret” for so long but now through recovery it is no longer a secret but my way of life!
I had to read this letter several times and each time I felt the power increase. I can visualize a great life with my family which we begin when my sentence is served. I have no doubt life will continue to get better each day with the positive energy. Also, I have to mention again, my younger sister, her husband, and her children are perfect examples of this positive energy. Their home and their attitudes have always been positive which shows in all aspects of their lives. They never wavered in their support for my family and me. They are great people and I am blessed to have them in my life. My sister has always focused on the positive and does not allow negatives to creep in her life or her home. This permeates to her children who are so very happy. In the past I have always tried to be positive with my children, but now I no longer TRY – I DO. I have always believed “what I put in is what I get out”. Now I will put in positives and get out positives! I was very empowered by this letter and after my hot shower I started to write. Oddly enough I willed a hot shower and it was indeed hot!
As I was waiting for the telephone sign-up, I noticed 26 cadet CO’s arrive on the yard. This meant one thing; they were going to search the dorms. My only thought went to the two bananas in my locker. Unlike last week when I had the two bananas taken from my locker I was ready for any would be search. I had hidden the bananas in my Tupperware bowl deep beneath the food in my locker. Only a search which included actually going into my locker and moving things around would reveal them. I thought they were safe. The cadets were searching other dorms and arrived at ours. I was sitting on my bunk when the cadet searched my locker. He stood looking inside for a good 2 minutes but he did not touch anything. I breathed a sigh of relief when he closed without incident. This search seemed more like a training assignment than anything else as the cadets found practically nothing inside my dorm. They did find my neighbor’s clothesline and a water bag which is used like a dumbbell, but no one was written up for these items. My clothesline was safely hidden underneath my pillow and out of sight. I was still nervous because I will not let anything delay me from fire camp. “The Secret” worked as I willed the cadet away form my bunk without incident. I can feel the power of “The Secret” and I really like it!
Practically all of my life I thought of myself as a positive person who is kind, caring, and giving. However, I let my compulsive gambling take over my life and made me a thief who is currently in prison. Reading this letter made me realize I have to be 100% or more positive in all aspects of my life. I should not and will not qualify matters anymore. The adage of “hope for the best but expect the worse” does not hold true for me anymore. I expect the best and will approach everything with a truly positive focus. For instance, I will be transferred to Fire Camp next week not I hope to be transferred next week. Yes, I fully understand there are so many events which are out of my control; however, this does not preclude me from being positive and using the positive energy. Happiness, love, and excellence surrounds me in all areas of my life and now I have to channel the positive energy out. Yes, I messed up but it will not define me as a person. I am a good person and have always been a good person. I made a mistake which is now in the past and I am living a positive, purposeful life with meaning. I no longer exist - I live - with such wonders. These wonders are all of my family. Life does get better with each passing day.
I don’t know if what I am writing about makes any sense to anyone other than me, but this very simple concept of positive energy out equals positive energy back rings so true. I am done apologizing for my behaviors of the past and I am a better person today than I have ever been in my life. I live for today with positive energy in all facets. It felt so good to read this letter from my mother and “The Secret” hit home with me. I have been on the peripheral of the “The Secret” for so long but now through recovery it is no longer a secret but my way of life!
I had to read this letter several times and each time I felt the power increase. I can visualize a great life with my family which we begin when my sentence is served. I have no doubt life will continue to get better each day with the positive energy. Also, I have to mention again, my younger sister, her husband, and her children are perfect examples of this positive energy. Their home and their attitudes have always been positive which shows in all aspects of their lives. They never wavered in their support for my family and me. They are great people and I am blessed to have them in my life. My sister has always focused on the positive and does not allow negatives to creep in her life or her home. This permeates to her children who are so very happy. In the past I have always tried to be positive with my children, but now I no longer TRY – I DO. I have always believed “what I put in is what I get out”. Now I will put in positives and get out positives! I was very empowered by this letter and after my hot shower I started to write. Oddly enough I willed a hot shower and it was indeed hot!
As I was waiting for the telephone sign-up, I noticed 26 cadet CO’s arrive on the yard. This meant one thing; they were going to search the dorms. My only thought went to the two bananas in my locker. Unlike last week when I had the two bananas taken from my locker I was ready for any would be search. I had hidden the bananas in my Tupperware bowl deep beneath the food in my locker. Only a search which included actually going into my locker and moving things around would reveal them. I thought they were safe. The cadets were searching other dorms and arrived at ours. I was sitting on my bunk when the cadet searched my locker. He stood looking inside for a good 2 minutes but he did not touch anything. I breathed a sigh of relief when he closed without incident. This search seemed more like a training assignment than anything else as the cadets found practically nothing inside my dorm. They did find my neighbor’s clothesline and a water bag which is used like a dumbbell, but no one was written up for these items. My clothesline was safely hidden underneath my pillow and out of sight. I was still nervous because I will not let anything delay me from fire camp. “The Secret” worked as I willed the cadet away form my bunk without incident. I can feel the power of “The Secret” and I really like it!
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
At Least One More Week
I somehow managed to pass the time yesterday during the extended lunch period without focusing on whether or not I would be receiving a transpack (transfer) ducat later. I didn’t even bother to put away the bag of food I brought back from the store in hopes I would be taking it with me. I saw an inmate who delivers the transpact ducats near my dorm. I quickly jogged over to him as he approached my dorm. By the time I reached him he had passed my dorm without stopping to deliver any ducats. I caught up to him and asked if there were any ducats for my dorm or for me and he replied “no” on both counts. There it was in a brief second – I learned I will be here at least one more week. Yes, I was disappointed but not devastated. It was fairly amazing because I waited all week for this moment and it was over in a nano-second. Now I start the cycle all over again. I don’t know what it is with my dorm especially my Bunkie because many of the dorm mates have been waiting longer than me. My Bunkie is now entering his 13th week of waiting. I am only at 7 weeks. Putting it into perspective, I don’t feel too badly.
The evening yard opened 30 minutes later than usual, but I still had plenty of time before my telephone call to my wife. This call was supposed to be the call where I informed her I was transferring to Fire Camp. However, it became the call where I informed my wife I will be at least one more week. When I reached her I did most of the talking early on as I quickly realized something was not right with her. She told me she spoke with the Captain in charge of the camp placements the day before. This was the second time she spoke with him and he basically told her the same thing - that I am on the waiting list. The one positive that I gained from my wife’s conversation was that the Captain instantly recognized my name. I do take this as a positive because at least I am more than just a file.
When I finished talking about the fire camp, I asked my wife what was wrong. It was obvious that there was something very wrong as my wife was extremely down. This is the first time in 9 ½ months, I heard her this down and depressed. She then asked me, “How do you know something is wrong?” I’m not clairvoyant, but I have known my wife for 25 years and I do know when something is wrong by her voice. She told me what is bothering her. My wife is having financial difficulties which are directly related to my actions. However, not once during our conversation did she blame me or say anything disparaging. In fact my wife has never blamed me (at least TO me) or held a grudge for what I did to her and the children. She has been beyond loving and supportive throughout this journey. She has handled everything very well but now the financial consequences are hitting her hard. My wife is not in an easy position but she is always positive toward me. She tries to shield me from the negative as much as possible. I need to hear the negative and last night’s conversation was about the negative effects on her.
Unfortunately, there is little I can do to help her while I am in here, I can listen and possibly offer some input but I am at a loss to really make a dent in these financial consequences. We both know this situation is only temporary; however, right now my wife is feeling all the depressing effects of the reality of this situation. She is doing more than her best and all I want to do is hug her while telling her everything will be okay. My words of “Everything will be okay” won’t make the bills go away so I was helpless. She does have some options but these are taking way too long and she has hit some obstacles along the way. She is not only depressed but frustrated as well. Compared to my wife, I have it easy in here because prison reality is much different than real world reality. In the real world there are bills, soccer games, softball games, chauffeuring the children to their events while in prison there is “Should I go to the dining hall for dinner tonight?” In a way I am isolated from what is real as I live in a suspended state. My wife is being punished more than I am as she has to deal with real world problems by herself.
I didn’t have any words of wisdom and I certainly feel so badly for her. She was so down and depressed and also has to make some decisions which will impact her and the children. To say her life is “not easy” is a gross understatement. My wife has always done her best and will continue. She will get through this and hopefully soon. It hurt hearing her so down but I need to hear this not as a punishment to me but the reality of it all. As I hung up my earlier disappointment of not getting transferred seemed very inconsequential to what my wife is dealing with.
Afterward I met up with my friend who just came back from a recovery program based on the book “A Purposeful Life” which is spiritual and based on Christianity. He came back from the introductory meeting as positive as I have ever seen him! As he was telling me about the meetings, I realized how much I miss the GA meetings. These meetings are open to anyone not just those who are addicted to alcohol and drugs and I told him I would be very interested in going.
The rest of the evening my friend and I sat and talked as opposed to walking. I told him about the conversation I had with my wife and he made a very generous offer regarding the situation. I could not take him up on it but he kept pressing me so I told him I would let him know later on. I really couldn’t believe he would make an offer such as this since I really have only known him for the last six months. Even in a place like this there are some tremendous people in the world and I know one of them. I was deeply moved with the offer and he is truly a friend. The evening yard ended and as I walked back to my dorm, my friend reiterated the offer. I thanked him and said good-night.
My life is good. Here I had a day filled with disappointment and frustration. However, the day ended with hope and generosity along with the excitement of the recovery program. As odd as this may sound, I am so grateful for my life. There is so much positive in my life and I am truly blessed in so many ways. I went into the dorm with a smile on my face knowing life is great!
The evening yard opened 30 minutes later than usual, but I still had plenty of time before my telephone call to my wife. This call was supposed to be the call where I informed her I was transferring to Fire Camp. However, it became the call where I informed my wife I will be at least one more week. When I reached her I did most of the talking early on as I quickly realized something was not right with her. She told me she spoke with the Captain in charge of the camp placements the day before. This was the second time she spoke with him and he basically told her the same thing - that I am on the waiting list. The one positive that I gained from my wife’s conversation was that the Captain instantly recognized my name. I do take this as a positive because at least I am more than just a file.
When I finished talking about the fire camp, I asked my wife what was wrong. It was obvious that there was something very wrong as my wife was extremely down. This is the first time in 9 ½ months, I heard her this down and depressed. She then asked me, “How do you know something is wrong?” I’m not clairvoyant, but I have known my wife for 25 years and I do know when something is wrong by her voice. She told me what is bothering her. My wife is having financial difficulties which are directly related to my actions. However, not once during our conversation did she blame me or say anything disparaging. In fact my wife has never blamed me (at least TO me) or held a grudge for what I did to her and the children. She has been beyond loving and supportive throughout this journey. She has handled everything very well but now the financial consequences are hitting her hard. My wife is not in an easy position but she is always positive toward me. She tries to shield me from the negative as much as possible. I need to hear the negative and last night’s conversation was about the negative effects on her.
Unfortunately, there is little I can do to help her while I am in here, I can listen and possibly offer some input but I am at a loss to really make a dent in these financial consequences. We both know this situation is only temporary; however, right now my wife is feeling all the depressing effects of the reality of this situation. She is doing more than her best and all I want to do is hug her while telling her everything will be okay. My words of “Everything will be okay” won’t make the bills go away so I was helpless. She does have some options but these are taking way too long and she has hit some obstacles along the way. She is not only depressed but frustrated as well. Compared to my wife, I have it easy in here because prison reality is much different than real world reality. In the real world there are bills, soccer games, softball games, chauffeuring the children to their events while in prison there is “Should I go to the dining hall for dinner tonight?” In a way I am isolated from what is real as I live in a suspended state. My wife is being punished more than I am as she has to deal with real world problems by herself.
I didn’t have any words of wisdom and I certainly feel so badly for her. She was so down and depressed and also has to make some decisions which will impact her and the children. To say her life is “not easy” is a gross understatement. My wife has always done her best and will continue. She will get through this and hopefully soon. It hurt hearing her so down but I need to hear this not as a punishment to me but the reality of it all. As I hung up my earlier disappointment of not getting transferred seemed very inconsequential to what my wife is dealing with.
Afterward I met up with my friend who just came back from a recovery program based on the book “A Purposeful Life” which is spiritual and based on Christianity. He came back from the introductory meeting as positive as I have ever seen him! As he was telling me about the meetings, I realized how much I miss the GA meetings. These meetings are open to anyone not just those who are addicted to alcohol and drugs and I told him I would be very interested in going.
The rest of the evening my friend and I sat and talked as opposed to walking. I told him about the conversation I had with my wife and he made a very generous offer regarding the situation. I could not take him up on it but he kept pressing me so I told him I would let him know later on. I really couldn’t believe he would make an offer such as this since I really have only known him for the last six months. Even in a place like this there are some tremendous people in the world and I know one of them. I was deeply moved with the offer and he is truly a friend. The evening yard ended and as I walked back to my dorm, my friend reiterated the offer. I thanked him and said good-night.
My life is good. Here I had a day filled with disappointment and frustration. However, the day ended with hope and generosity along with the excitement of the recovery program. As odd as this may sound, I am so grateful for my life. There is so much positive in my life and I am truly blessed in so many ways. I went into the dorm with a smile on my face knowing life is great!
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Tuesday Does Come Fast
I was waiting for the afternoon yard unlock yesterday and I was talking with one of my dorm mates who is also waiting for his transfer. He has been waiting 10 weeks since he completed the fire fighting training class. He was telling me a former dorm mate who transferred to a Fire Camp back in December and was rolled-up (returned) in January. This former dorm mate tested positive for drugs (marijuana) and was sent back here in January where he had to serve 90 days before returning to Fire Camp. I have a very strong opinion regarding these inmates who test positive for drugs. His 90 days are up and he asked the relief CO (by the way this particular CO only works on my tier on Mondays and is a very personable nice man) to call over to the Fire Camp assignment office to see if he was transferring this week. The CO did call over there and he is transferring tomorrow to a different camp then he was in back in December. This is normal procedure because once an inmate gets rolled up from a camp, he cannot return to that same fire camp. When my dorm mate was telling me this I thought I should ask the relief CO to check on my status. I didn’t know these things were done and I did ask the regular CO if he could call over to this same office a few weeks ago but he told me when he calls no one is ever there and my best option was to write them. Hearing the story about my former dorm mate made me realize there is a way to find out my status.
The unlock arrived and the relief CO was at the door. I did ask him if he could call that office for me. He seemed a bit reluctant but did take my information and said he would call but gave me no guarantees. He also told me to come back later to see if he had an answer. It was almost 1:00 pm and this relief CO ends his shift at 2:00 so he only had an hour to call, but I was optimistic. I went over to the basketball court for the afternoon session of the PFT Plus Class. I figured I would participate in the class of 2 students and when it was over I would see the CO. The Monday class is the easiest of the week and I didn’t even break a sweat when it was over. At the conclusion of the class I still had 30 minutes before the CO went off shift and the same amount of time for my scheduled phone call. I figured I could get in a 100 very fast burpees and went over to the CO. As soon as he saw me, he shook his head and said, “I called but there was no one there.” I thanked him for his effort and this really shouldn’t surprise me. Yes, I would have liked to know in advance, but it was not to be.
After hearing this news I headed over to the telephones and saw my friend standing in front of them. I also noticed that no one was on the any of the phones and this is when my friend said, “The telephones are out of order and no one knows when they will be back on.” This is not surprising as well since I wanted to call my wife to see if she spoke with the Captain earlier regarding the status of my transfer. Also, I was looking forward to speaking with my children. Now none of this was going to happen and once again I have until this afternoon to see if I receive a transfer ducat.
The telephones have been relatively un-newsworthy until yesterday and now there is no telling when they will be in operation again. With some good fortune this could be the last time I have “technical difficulties” assuming I am transferred to fire Camp which would be tomorrow. I had two disappointments within a matter of minutes, but I just smile and shake my head while saying, “It figures.” These are insignificant issues in my life and although it sometimes seems as if there is a conspiracy against me, I accept all these non-events. I briefly spoke with my friend as he was holding out hope that the telephones would work so he could make his telephone call. We realized the telephones were not coming back on and I headed over to the Harvard Wall.
I can take solace in the exercise part of my day. In the morning, I essentially did 2 hours of exercise between the PFT class and my person exercise. In the afternoon I did another 2 hours between the PFT Plus and my personal exercises. Taking Sunday off from exercising proved very beneficial, as I had a big exercise day on Monday. I embarked on a 90 minute session on the Harvard Wall. I had plenty of time in the afternoon yard and I was going to stay out for the entire yard by-passing the 2:45 unlock. I did not have to concern myself with the shower because I had priority due to my Instructor job. The 90 minute session on the Harvard Wall went by very quickly. In fact, I play a little mind game with myself – I do 45 minutes bending with the left leg and then another 45 minutes leading with the right leg. I listen to the radio and try to look at my stop watch after counting a specific number of songs. The first 45 minutes I looked at my stopwatch well before the 45 minute change-over mark – switching from one leg to another. However, on the second 45 minute session, I went over by one minute before I finally looked at the stopwatch. This means I was very focused on the exercise and I put those 2 earlier negative incidents in their proper place which was no longer in my mind. Some people seemed to get bored with these types of exercises, but I am always able to play mind games which always helps me to pass the time.
Before I go any further with my afternoon yesterday, I have to mention those inmates who get rolled up at Fire Camp for positive drug tests. These inmates do have to stay here 90 days and do lose some time on their sentence. However, they are always sent back to fire Camp and take priority on someone like me who has never been but has been fully trained. I am all for second chances; however, these positive drug tests are more than second chances. Being in the Fire Camp Program is a privilege – not a right- and it should be treated as such. There are many inmates who return here because of these positive drug tests only to return to test positive again. Some are even given a 3rd chance and are sent back to fire Camp. I don’t understand how this works – this is prison and essentially the Fire Camp Program is a second chance for all of us. It gets us outside the prison walls and we get a chance to give back to society. I understand addiction because I am a compulsive gambler and for me something is wrong with the system if these inmates continue with what brought them to prison. I don’t have the answers, but something needs to change. It is hard to help someone who doesn’t want it, but there has to be something available. Hopefully, with all the discussion surrounding the overcrowding issues and recidivism rate something changes to help these inmates. If nothing is done, the cycle continues for those inmates inside and outside of prison.
I ended up doing 91 minutes instead of 90 minutes on the Harvard Wall. As I completed the exercise, I headed back to my dorm. There was yet another CO relief on duty who actually let me in 10 minutes prior to the closing of the yard. These 10 minutes provided a bonus to me as I got the number 1 slot in line for the shower which was coming on very soon. I’m not sure if it is such a good idea to be first in the shower because the water is scalding hot which stays this way for almost the entire time I’m in the shower. I managed to not burn myself and get through the shower. I used the Head and Shoulders which is very fragrant and gives me a new level of clean.
I have mentioned how I like to cook the rice for a long time and last night I cooked – actually heated – the rice for almost 2 hours. As the rice was cooking, I wrote and waited for the mail call. It arrived but there were only two outside letters for our dorm. Strangely, neither one of these letters were for me. Apparently, the mail delivery is once again very slow.
After writing, I was ready for my rice and tuna fish dinner in mustard. I didn’t go to the dining hall for the Chicken Alfredo because there were no rice or beans. The rice and tunafish dish did hit the spot and I even had some of it with my tortilla – sort of like rice tuna fish burrito. I’m not sure how that would sell at Bagel Express but for the time being, it did hit the spot. My dinner was over and it was onto more writing while I waited for “Heroes” to come on. I was hoping that I would have been at Fire Camp watching the show, but this didn’t happen. “Heroes” has been on Hiatus for the last several weeks – I think the same of amount of time that I have been waiting about 6 weeks to go to Fire Camp and I am still here. I wonder if I will see the final episode for the season here or at Fire Camp?
It took me awhile to remember what was going on in “Heroes” but once I got up to speed I really enjoyed the program. The show concluded and I got ready for bed. I got to sleep a little past my usual time and seemed to sleep 90 minutes before waking up. Thankfully, this only happened twice last night, not like the previous night. I did have a dream I remembered. It was regarding my transfer to Fire Camp and I dreamt I didn’t receive the “transpack” ducat this afternoon. The dream actually felt like a replay of last week, and I waited for the ducat but did not receive one. I guess this is my subconscious way of preparing me for the worst. I sure hope my dream is wrong, but if it doesn’t happen so be it and I will set my sights on next week.
The PFT Class went well until the end. When we were doing the mile run, the alarm went off during our last lap. We are required to stop whatever we are doing and get down on our stomachs. Everyone did this without incident and we stayed down on our stomachs for about 4 minutes. The all clear signal was given and we were up and running.
The class ended just in time for me to wait in line for the store. I didn’t get to the store last month but really I am okay. The process for the store started out slowly but since the CO reversed the numbers, I had a good chance of going in the morning. He called my number and I eagerly approached with a completed list in my hand. I was dressed in my PFT Instructor uniform which not acceptable for this CO. He instantly told me I need some kind of “blue” clothing and wouldn’t accept my list. This was news to me because everytime I have gone to the store in the past six months, I have never had my blues on and I had no problem. When he told me this, I didn’t know what to do because if I ran back to the dorm and got my blues, the CO would have skipped right over my turn. I didn’t say anything to him although I really wanted to and was about to go back to my dorm when one of the inmates standing near the store offered me his shirt. This inmate whom I didn’t know heard the conversation and was about to take his shirt off. Before he did, my friend was standing behind him and quickly gave me his shirt. I thanked the other inmate for his generosity but felt more comfortable taking my friend’s shirt. Apparently wearing the blue shirt over my uniform was good enough for the CO because he let me gain access to the caged in area at the store window. I was so grateful I was able to get in at that time because if I had not, I didn’t know when I would be able to go next. I purchased a pint of vanilla ice cream for my Bunkie and a snickers bar for my friend. I was thinking about giving the ice cream to my friend but he is trying to watch his weight so I gave him the snickers instead since it has less calories. My Bunkie was very happy to receive the ice cream and I also gave him 6 soups since he has very little. He has been a good Bunkie and I am happy to feed him.
The unlock arrived and the relief CO was at the door. I did ask him if he could call that office for me. He seemed a bit reluctant but did take my information and said he would call but gave me no guarantees. He also told me to come back later to see if he had an answer. It was almost 1:00 pm and this relief CO ends his shift at 2:00 so he only had an hour to call, but I was optimistic. I went over to the basketball court for the afternoon session of the PFT Plus Class. I figured I would participate in the class of 2 students and when it was over I would see the CO. The Monday class is the easiest of the week and I didn’t even break a sweat when it was over. At the conclusion of the class I still had 30 minutes before the CO went off shift and the same amount of time for my scheduled phone call. I figured I could get in a 100 very fast burpees and went over to the CO. As soon as he saw me, he shook his head and said, “I called but there was no one there.” I thanked him for his effort and this really shouldn’t surprise me. Yes, I would have liked to know in advance, but it was not to be.
After hearing this news I headed over to the telephones and saw my friend standing in front of them. I also noticed that no one was on the any of the phones and this is when my friend said, “The telephones are out of order and no one knows when they will be back on.” This is not surprising as well since I wanted to call my wife to see if she spoke with the Captain earlier regarding the status of my transfer. Also, I was looking forward to speaking with my children. Now none of this was going to happen and once again I have until this afternoon to see if I receive a transfer ducat.
The telephones have been relatively un-newsworthy until yesterday and now there is no telling when they will be in operation again. With some good fortune this could be the last time I have “technical difficulties” assuming I am transferred to fire Camp which would be tomorrow. I had two disappointments within a matter of minutes, but I just smile and shake my head while saying, “It figures.” These are insignificant issues in my life and although it sometimes seems as if there is a conspiracy against me, I accept all these non-events. I briefly spoke with my friend as he was holding out hope that the telephones would work so he could make his telephone call. We realized the telephones were not coming back on and I headed over to the Harvard Wall.
I can take solace in the exercise part of my day. In the morning, I essentially did 2 hours of exercise between the PFT class and my person exercise. In the afternoon I did another 2 hours between the PFT Plus and my personal exercises. Taking Sunday off from exercising proved very beneficial, as I had a big exercise day on Monday. I embarked on a 90 minute session on the Harvard Wall. I had plenty of time in the afternoon yard and I was going to stay out for the entire yard by-passing the 2:45 unlock. I did not have to concern myself with the shower because I had priority due to my Instructor job. The 90 minute session on the Harvard Wall went by very quickly. In fact, I play a little mind game with myself – I do 45 minutes bending with the left leg and then another 45 minutes leading with the right leg. I listen to the radio and try to look at my stop watch after counting a specific number of songs. The first 45 minutes I looked at my stopwatch well before the 45 minute change-over mark – switching from one leg to another. However, on the second 45 minute session, I went over by one minute before I finally looked at the stopwatch. This means I was very focused on the exercise and I put those 2 earlier negative incidents in their proper place which was no longer in my mind. Some people seemed to get bored with these types of exercises, but I am always able to play mind games which always helps me to pass the time.
Before I go any further with my afternoon yesterday, I have to mention those inmates who get rolled up at Fire Camp for positive drug tests. These inmates do have to stay here 90 days and do lose some time on their sentence. However, they are always sent back to fire Camp and take priority on someone like me who has never been but has been fully trained. I am all for second chances; however, these positive drug tests are more than second chances. Being in the Fire Camp Program is a privilege – not a right- and it should be treated as such. There are many inmates who return here because of these positive drug tests only to return to test positive again. Some are even given a 3rd chance and are sent back to fire Camp. I don’t understand how this works – this is prison and essentially the Fire Camp Program is a second chance for all of us. It gets us outside the prison walls and we get a chance to give back to society. I understand addiction because I am a compulsive gambler and for me something is wrong with the system if these inmates continue with what brought them to prison. I don’t have the answers, but something needs to change. It is hard to help someone who doesn’t want it, but there has to be something available. Hopefully, with all the discussion surrounding the overcrowding issues and recidivism rate something changes to help these inmates. If nothing is done, the cycle continues for those inmates inside and outside of prison.
I ended up doing 91 minutes instead of 90 minutes on the Harvard Wall. As I completed the exercise, I headed back to my dorm. There was yet another CO relief on duty who actually let me in 10 minutes prior to the closing of the yard. These 10 minutes provided a bonus to me as I got the number 1 slot in line for the shower which was coming on very soon. I’m not sure if it is such a good idea to be first in the shower because the water is scalding hot which stays this way for almost the entire time I’m in the shower. I managed to not burn myself and get through the shower. I used the Head and Shoulders which is very fragrant and gives me a new level of clean.
I have mentioned how I like to cook the rice for a long time and last night I cooked – actually heated – the rice for almost 2 hours. As the rice was cooking, I wrote and waited for the mail call. It arrived but there were only two outside letters for our dorm. Strangely, neither one of these letters were for me. Apparently, the mail delivery is once again very slow.
After writing, I was ready for my rice and tuna fish dinner in mustard. I didn’t go to the dining hall for the Chicken Alfredo because there were no rice or beans. The rice and tunafish dish did hit the spot and I even had some of it with my tortilla – sort of like rice tuna fish burrito. I’m not sure how that would sell at Bagel Express but for the time being, it did hit the spot. My dinner was over and it was onto more writing while I waited for “Heroes” to come on. I was hoping that I would have been at Fire Camp watching the show, but this didn’t happen. “Heroes” has been on Hiatus for the last several weeks – I think the same of amount of time that I have been waiting about 6 weeks to go to Fire Camp and I am still here. I wonder if I will see the final episode for the season here or at Fire Camp?
It took me awhile to remember what was going on in “Heroes” but once I got up to speed I really enjoyed the program. The show concluded and I got ready for bed. I got to sleep a little past my usual time and seemed to sleep 90 minutes before waking up. Thankfully, this only happened twice last night, not like the previous night. I did have a dream I remembered. It was regarding my transfer to Fire Camp and I dreamt I didn’t receive the “transpack” ducat this afternoon. The dream actually felt like a replay of last week, and I waited for the ducat but did not receive one. I guess this is my subconscious way of preparing me for the worst. I sure hope my dream is wrong, but if it doesn’t happen so be it and I will set my sights on next week.
The PFT Class went well until the end. When we were doing the mile run, the alarm went off during our last lap. We are required to stop whatever we are doing and get down on our stomachs. Everyone did this without incident and we stayed down on our stomachs for about 4 minutes. The all clear signal was given and we were up and running.
The class ended just in time for me to wait in line for the store. I didn’t get to the store last month but really I am okay. The process for the store started out slowly but since the CO reversed the numbers, I had a good chance of going in the morning. He called my number and I eagerly approached with a completed list in my hand. I was dressed in my PFT Instructor uniform which not acceptable for this CO. He instantly told me I need some kind of “blue” clothing and wouldn’t accept my list. This was news to me because everytime I have gone to the store in the past six months, I have never had my blues on and I had no problem. When he told me this, I didn’t know what to do because if I ran back to the dorm and got my blues, the CO would have skipped right over my turn. I didn’t say anything to him although I really wanted to and was about to go back to my dorm when one of the inmates standing near the store offered me his shirt. This inmate whom I didn’t know heard the conversation and was about to take his shirt off. Before he did, my friend was standing behind him and quickly gave me his shirt. I thanked the other inmate for his generosity but felt more comfortable taking my friend’s shirt. Apparently wearing the blue shirt over my uniform was good enough for the CO because he let me gain access to the caged in area at the store window. I was so grateful I was able to get in at that time because if I had not, I didn’t know when I would be able to go next. I purchased a pint of vanilla ice cream for my Bunkie and a snickers bar for my friend. I was thinking about giving the ice cream to my friend but he is trying to watch his weight so I gave him the snickers instead since it has less calories. My Bunkie was very happy to receive the ice cream and I also gave him 6 soups since he has very little. He has been a good Bunkie and I am happy to feed him.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Book in a Day
The rain came down heavy Saturday night into Sunday morning. As I walked to the dining hall for breakfast, it was still rainy, cold, and windy. Walking back from breakfast was not a nice weather day as the rain came down. It made me alter my plans and I decided to take the full day off from exercising. Normally, on the weekend day in which I have morning yard, I will run the entire time the yard is open. However, even though I am a fanatic about exercise, I do have some limitations. I’m not fond of running in the rain, wind, and cold. Yesterday morning all three of these variables were alive and well.
I mentally prepared my self to take the entire day off. When the yard opened, the rain had stopped and I was second guessing myself something awful. I felt guilty staying inside the dorm and not going outside to exercise. I had to busy myself with something so I started to write. Thirty minutes after the yard opened the skies opened up and it poured. I did make a good decision by staying inside.
This is something I don’t do if I can help it. However, with the inclement weather, I had little choice. Also, my body needed some down time as I have exercised just about everyday over the past seven weeks. Anything in excess including exercise is not good and the day off was well needed. I didn’t do much all day yesterday. Of course I wrote, I even watched a little of the morning news along with catching a few minutes of the NBA playoff game between the Phoenix Suns and the Los Angeles Lakers. Apparently, many of my dorm mates are fans of the Lakers and were rooting quite vigorously during the game. Unfortunately, they lost and my dorm mates were disappointed.
Most of the day, I remained on my bunk reading the fourth installment in the Left Behind Series. I was able to receive this from another inmate shortly after lunch. I did eat more than I usually eat yesterday probably out of boredom more than anything. The Sunday breakfast had cold cereal ( a knock off of rice Krispies) and eating only this made me hungry an hour later. I snacked on some trail mix prior to making the PB &J sandwich and soup lunch. Even after this large lunch, I felt myself getting hungry a few hours later and I had to snack on some pretzels before making my own dinner. I passed on going to the hamburger dinner as there weren’t any beans on the menu. I made my rice and peanut butter. The key to this dish is heating the peanut butter so it spreads easily. I have never thought of having peanut butter and rice together until I came to prison. Unbelievably, it actually tastes good to me!
As I mentioned, I spent most of the day reading. I started the book shortly after lunch and finished it before going to sleep at my usual time. These books read very quickly, but I was surprised to finish it in one day. Unfortunately, the inmate who gave me this book cannot get the next book in the series until next Sunday. The prison church dispenses these and I should have told him to get number 5 along with number 4, but I didn’t think about it until later. The book was just like the first 3 in the series and the story continues. There is more mystery than Biblical inferences in the book which I believe is good. I was very happy to spend an entire Sunday passing the time reading. I’m not sure if I have ever finished a book in one day before, but now I have. As I was reading during yesterday afternoon, my dorm mates decided to have a radio war. That is when two, sometimes more but yesterday there were only two, thank goodness) radios are played at opposite ends of the dorm with different radio stations blaring. In my opinion, the radio stations couldn’t have been worse as one radio was playing the twangy country music which is not one of my favorites – while the other was playing Spanish/Mexican music – also not one of my favorites. This was unusual for my dorm as there usually is only one radio playing at a time which plays the oldie rhythm and blues station – which I do like. However, yesterday afternoon I was subjected to the radio wars for 2 hours. Somehow I found a way to block out the noise and just concentrate on reading. I’m not sure how I accomplished this, but I did and stayed focused on the book. I guess the book was good enough to block out my surroundings and I wasn’t upset about the noise.
After I ate my peanut butter and rice dish, I waited for the evening yard to open. The rain had stopped earlier in the afternoon and the skies were clear for the evening yard. I was looking forward to going out since I was cooped up in the dorm all day. I put my book down and went outside for the evening yard. I had given my telephone call to my friend since he gave me his on Friday night. Before that phone call, we walked for a few minutes and talked. Once again my friend told me that this was the week I will be transferred to Fire Camp. He has said this every week for the past three weeks and one of these weeks, he will be right. Now that my friend has finished the firefighter program, he is into the waiting game as well. I am fairly certain he will not have to wait as long as I have since he has previous fire camp experience and is a clerk. His job as a clerk provides him access to the Sergeants and Lieutenants who can help him expedite his transfer. It wouldn’t surprise me if my friend was transferred before I was. I certainly hope this doesn’t happen, but if it does we have an agreement which is whoever arrives at Fire Camp first brings the other one the next week. It would be nice to be at the same Fire Camp with my friend as he has served as my mentor and I serve as his listening buddy. Who knows what the future has in store for either one of us and for right now I am happy to call him friend. I signed up for a telephone call on Tuesday evening which will hopefully serve as my last phone call here as if I do depart it will be early Wednesday morning.
The evening yard ended and I went back to finish my book. I only had 60 pages to go and didn’t have any trouble completing it prior to my normal bedtime. I finished the book and because I really didn’t really do anything physical all day, I wasn’t really tired. I had a hard time falling asleep especially since I drank about 2 gallons of water during the day. I made sure to drink enough during the day and I didn’t want to eat all my food so I switched to water. I must have an undersized bladder because I would swear more water comes out of me than goes in! I’m not sure how this is possible but I am always making trips to the bathroom. I finally fell asleep after the lights went off at 11:00 pm but woke up 90 minutes later to use the restroom. This happened every 90 minutes thereafter until I finally got out of my bunk to start the day. I read somewhere that sleep cycles are 90 minutes in duration and this must be true because I wasn’t that tired when I got up this morning. Also, in between those times of getting up my sleep was filled with dreams. Sometimes it seems my dreams start as soon as I close my eyes. They were non-sensical and not very memorable.
Normally when I get up during the night no one is awake. This was the case this morning. I made my way into the television area and had to turn it on. This is where I start my stretching routine for 15 minutes. I wasn’t sure if I was going to early breakfast or not so I kept a watchful eye on the window for my fellow instructors. Time came for the early breakfast and none of the Instructors were outside and I knew I would be going to regular breakfast. Normally there is a menu posted in our dorm every Sunday night for the following week. Over the past few weeks this has been my job. However, the kitchen didn’t pass out a menu last night. I like reviewing it so I can plan my eating accordingly. This morning I headed toward the dining hall not knowing what was for breakfast. When I arrived, I saw other inmates eating their pancakes, sausage, and oatmeal breakfast. It was the very filling pancake breakfast and as I approached the CO, he knew right away to call for a “no-meat” tray. I have certainly been here too long because most of the CO’s in the dining hall know my vegetarian requirement. I have come along way in the last 6 months but it is time to move on.
After breakfast, I headed over to the basketball court to start the PFT class. Once I arrived there, I had to wait another 45 minutes so all the inmates could eat breakfast. The breakfast release is somewhat back to normal even though the one race is still on lockdown. However, the CO’s were taking their time releasing the dorms for breakfast. Normally, breakfast is over by 8:00 am, but this morning it took until 8:30 am. Finally all the 10 PFT students arrived at the basketball court to start the class. Prior to this I was making small talk with the new coach which I am not crazy about doing. I don’t know what it is with this man, but each time I add something to the conversation he seems to change his demeanor. He could be very jovial and I or anyone else for that matter will say something and he tenses up. Upon seeing this, I said very little and tried to make myself scarce. Normally I can get along with most people, but the new coach is a tough nut to crack. My best strategy is to say very little and feign interest.
The one-sided banter with the new coach was over and again I was in charge of the class. I led them in all aspects of the class and everything went well. There was a little mix-up on the burpees but I quickly rectified the problem. The best part of the class for me is leading the mile run and the power walk. The cadences are not what they used to be when there was a 50 man class. Since there are only 10 students in the class, the cadences aren’t nearly as loud. In fact I gave up half way through the power walk because they were too quiet. The power walk was supposed to be 4 miles but only wound up to be 3 miles because the coach had to go somewhere and the class is not allowed to convene unless he is physically there. I was able to cool the class down with a series of stretches and then they were done. This left less than an hour in the morning yard and since I took yesterday off from any exercise I was feeling very strong. My normal routine is to run every other day while doing the Harvard Wall and push-up routines on the opposite days. Since I was feeling good, I opted for a pushup routine and I would do the Harvard Wall later in the afternoon. I had enough time in the morning to do 800 pushups and I finished my last one as the door closed.
Once again it was a very fast morning and a very good exercise session. I was able to do 4 miles in the class along with several calisthenics. It was a good morning and I went inside for an extended lunch period. I needed substance and found that with a peanut butter and banana sandwich, some trail mix, and graham crackers. I spent the rest of the lunch period listening to the lunch period while waiting for the afternoon yard to open.
I mentally prepared my self to take the entire day off. When the yard opened, the rain had stopped and I was second guessing myself something awful. I felt guilty staying inside the dorm and not going outside to exercise. I had to busy myself with something so I started to write. Thirty minutes after the yard opened the skies opened up and it poured. I did make a good decision by staying inside.
This is something I don’t do if I can help it. However, with the inclement weather, I had little choice. Also, my body needed some down time as I have exercised just about everyday over the past seven weeks. Anything in excess including exercise is not good and the day off was well needed. I didn’t do much all day yesterday. Of course I wrote, I even watched a little of the morning news along with catching a few minutes of the NBA playoff game between the Phoenix Suns and the Los Angeles Lakers. Apparently, many of my dorm mates are fans of the Lakers and were rooting quite vigorously during the game. Unfortunately, they lost and my dorm mates were disappointed.
Most of the day, I remained on my bunk reading the fourth installment in the Left Behind Series. I was able to receive this from another inmate shortly after lunch. I did eat more than I usually eat yesterday probably out of boredom more than anything. The Sunday breakfast had cold cereal ( a knock off of rice Krispies) and eating only this made me hungry an hour later. I snacked on some trail mix prior to making the PB &J sandwich and soup lunch. Even after this large lunch, I felt myself getting hungry a few hours later and I had to snack on some pretzels before making my own dinner. I passed on going to the hamburger dinner as there weren’t any beans on the menu. I made my rice and peanut butter. The key to this dish is heating the peanut butter so it spreads easily. I have never thought of having peanut butter and rice together until I came to prison. Unbelievably, it actually tastes good to me!
As I mentioned, I spent most of the day reading. I started the book shortly after lunch and finished it before going to sleep at my usual time. These books read very quickly, but I was surprised to finish it in one day. Unfortunately, the inmate who gave me this book cannot get the next book in the series until next Sunday. The prison church dispenses these and I should have told him to get number 5 along with number 4, but I didn’t think about it until later. The book was just like the first 3 in the series and the story continues. There is more mystery than Biblical inferences in the book which I believe is good. I was very happy to spend an entire Sunday passing the time reading. I’m not sure if I have ever finished a book in one day before, but now I have. As I was reading during yesterday afternoon, my dorm mates decided to have a radio war. That is when two, sometimes more but yesterday there were only two, thank goodness) radios are played at opposite ends of the dorm with different radio stations blaring. In my opinion, the radio stations couldn’t have been worse as one radio was playing the twangy country music which is not one of my favorites – while the other was playing Spanish/Mexican music – also not one of my favorites. This was unusual for my dorm as there usually is only one radio playing at a time which plays the oldie rhythm and blues station – which I do like. However, yesterday afternoon I was subjected to the radio wars for 2 hours. Somehow I found a way to block out the noise and just concentrate on reading. I’m not sure how I accomplished this, but I did and stayed focused on the book. I guess the book was good enough to block out my surroundings and I wasn’t upset about the noise.
After I ate my peanut butter and rice dish, I waited for the evening yard to open. The rain had stopped earlier in the afternoon and the skies were clear for the evening yard. I was looking forward to going out since I was cooped up in the dorm all day. I put my book down and went outside for the evening yard. I had given my telephone call to my friend since he gave me his on Friday night. Before that phone call, we walked for a few minutes and talked. Once again my friend told me that this was the week I will be transferred to Fire Camp. He has said this every week for the past three weeks and one of these weeks, he will be right. Now that my friend has finished the firefighter program, he is into the waiting game as well. I am fairly certain he will not have to wait as long as I have since he has previous fire camp experience and is a clerk. His job as a clerk provides him access to the Sergeants and Lieutenants who can help him expedite his transfer. It wouldn’t surprise me if my friend was transferred before I was. I certainly hope this doesn’t happen, but if it does we have an agreement which is whoever arrives at Fire Camp first brings the other one the next week. It would be nice to be at the same Fire Camp with my friend as he has served as my mentor and I serve as his listening buddy. Who knows what the future has in store for either one of us and for right now I am happy to call him friend. I signed up for a telephone call on Tuesday evening which will hopefully serve as my last phone call here as if I do depart it will be early Wednesday morning.
The evening yard ended and I went back to finish my book. I only had 60 pages to go and didn’t have any trouble completing it prior to my normal bedtime. I finished the book and because I really didn’t really do anything physical all day, I wasn’t really tired. I had a hard time falling asleep especially since I drank about 2 gallons of water during the day. I made sure to drink enough during the day and I didn’t want to eat all my food so I switched to water. I must have an undersized bladder because I would swear more water comes out of me than goes in! I’m not sure how this is possible but I am always making trips to the bathroom. I finally fell asleep after the lights went off at 11:00 pm but woke up 90 minutes later to use the restroom. This happened every 90 minutes thereafter until I finally got out of my bunk to start the day. I read somewhere that sleep cycles are 90 minutes in duration and this must be true because I wasn’t that tired when I got up this morning. Also, in between those times of getting up my sleep was filled with dreams. Sometimes it seems my dreams start as soon as I close my eyes. They were non-sensical and not very memorable.
Normally when I get up during the night no one is awake. This was the case this morning. I made my way into the television area and had to turn it on. This is where I start my stretching routine for 15 minutes. I wasn’t sure if I was going to early breakfast or not so I kept a watchful eye on the window for my fellow instructors. Time came for the early breakfast and none of the Instructors were outside and I knew I would be going to regular breakfast. Normally there is a menu posted in our dorm every Sunday night for the following week. Over the past few weeks this has been my job. However, the kitchen didn’t pass out a menu last night. I like reviewing it so I can plan my eating accordingly. This morning I headed toward the dining hall not knowing what was for breakfast. When I arrived, I saw other inmates eating their pancakes, sausage, and oatmeal breakfast. It was the very filling pancake breakfast and as I approached the CO, he knew right away to call for a “no-meat” tray. I have certainly been here too long because most of the CO’s in the dining hall know my vegetarian requirement. I have come along way in the last 6 months but it is time to move on.
After breakfast, I headed over to the basketball court to start the PFT class. Once I arrived there, I had to wait another 45 minutes so all the inmates could eat breakfast. The breakfast release is somewhat back to normal even though the one race is still on lockdown. However, the CO’s were taking their time releasing the dorms for breakfast. Normally, breakfast is over by 8:00 am, but this morning it took until 8:30 am. Finally all the 10 PFT students arrived at the basketball court to start the class. Prior to this I was making small talk with the new coach which I am not crazy about doing. I don’t know what it is with this man, but each time I add something to the conversation he seems to change his demeanor. He could be very jovial and I or anyone else for that matter will say something and he tenses up. Upon seeing this, I said very little and tried to make myself scarce. Normally I can get along with most people, but the new coach is a tough nut to crack. My best strategy is to say very little and feign interest.
The one-sided banter with the new coach was over and again I was in charge of the class. I led them in all aspects of the class and everything went well. There was a little mix-up on the burpees but I quickly rectified the problem. The best part of the class for me is leading the mile run and the power walk. The cadences are not what they used to be when there was a 50 man class. Since there are only 10 students in the class, the cadences aren’t nearly as loud. In fact I gave up half way through the power walk because they were too quiet. The power walk was supposed to be 4 miles but only wound up to be 3 miles because the coach had to go somewhere and the class is not allowed to convene unless he is physically there. I was able to cool the class down with a series of stretches and then they were done. This left less than an hour in the morning yard and since I took yesterday off from any exercise I was feeling very strong. My normal routine is to run every other day while doing the Harvard Wall and push-up routines on the opposite days. Since I was feeling good, I opted for a pushup routine and I would do the Harvard Wall later in the afternoon. I had enough time in the morning to do 800 pushups and I finished my last one as the door closed.
Once again it was a very fast morning and a very good exercise session. I was able to do 4 miles in the class along with several calisthenics. It was a good morning and I went inside for an extended lunch period. I needed substance and found that with a peanut butter and banana sandwich, some trail mix, and graham crackers. I spent the rest of the lunch period listening to the lunch period while waiting for the afternoon yard to open.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
A Request for Assistance
Paul’s mom here ~
As you know, Paul is awaiting his transfer to fire camp. Several inmates who have completed their requirements after him have already been transferred. This understandably causes much frustration and anxiety for Paul. His wife has contacted Lieutenant Taylor at La Cima in Julian and Lieutenant Jones at Bautista in Hemet. She has also contacted Captain Luna in Sierra. Paul’s preference is Hemet, but right now he will be pleased with either camp.
If someone has any contact with anyone in any of these camps which would expedite his transfer, we will be extremely grateful. We really don’t know who else to call or contact. Thank you for any assistance you might be able to give~
CDC #F38991
As you know, Paul is awaiting his transfer to fire camp. Several inmates who have completed their requirements after him have already been transferred. This understandably causes much frustration and anxiety for Paul. His wife has contacted Lieutenant Taylor at La Cima in Julian and Lieutenant Jones at Bautista in Hemet. She has also contacted Captain Luna in Sierra. Paul’s preference is Hemet, but right now he will be pleased with either camp.
If someone has any contact with anyone in any of these camps which would expedite his transfer, we will be extremely grateful. We really don’t know who else to call or contact. Thank you for any assistance you might be able to give~
CDC #F38991
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Holiday Hiatus
The blog, once again, will be interrupted during the holidays and we will be back when Paul gets transferred to Fire Camp.
A Wonderful Easter and belated Passover to everyone!
And, thanks to all of you who have been reading and supporting Paul~
See you soon~
Monica and Phyllis
A Wonderful Easter and belated Passover to everyone!
And, thanks to all of you who have been reading and supporting Paul~
See you soon~
Monica and Phyllis
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Oh, No What Just Happened?
It was time to get up, wash, and brush my teeth. I made my way to the bathroom area and while I was brushing my teeth, I made a startling discovery. I looked in the mirror and saw that there were only a few strands of hair left on my head. This was the same for my eyebrows and upon closer examination, the rest of my body. I had no idea what was happening. My first thought was the new shampoo – had I just had a reaction to using this? I have used Head and Shoulders before and obviously nothing remotely close to this had happened. I thought further and maybe it was one of the gnats (which landed on me during the time I was running outside) which gave me this reaction. This didn’t make any sense since if I had a reaction, it would have been with hives, not having my hair fall out. I went back to my bunk and inspected my pillow and unbelievably there wasn’t any hair to be seen anywhere. Where did it all go? Could my hair have just disintegrated or vaporized? Does this mean it wouldn’t grow back?
I got ready for breakfast and decided to play off my bald head to my dorm mates to see if anyone noticed. Oh, they all noticed and I got some interesting comments – such as – “Now you look like one of us.” to “You look like a cancer patient but in a good way.” I tried to explain to my dorm mates what I thought had happened and all of them were equally puzzled. I certainly hope my hair does grow back because quite frankly, I am a very unattractive skinny bald man! I guess I will give it a few days to see if my hair starts growing back, and if it doesn’t then I will make an appointment with the doctor. I really don’t want to do this since this can delay my transfer to fire camp. On the other hand, if I have subjected myself to some kind of an allergic reaction, maybe something can be done to grow my hair back. I guess worse case scenario – I will remain bald. This should make for a very interesting reunion with my wife when she comes to visit me at fire camp hopefully within a month. Oh well, thankfully I have the Serenity Prayer and I know everything will be fine. I’m sure my resistance against the wind will be less as I run so at least I will become faster!
By the way, Happy April Fool’s Day to everyone! Did anyone actually believe I lost all of my hair? Hope you had a wonderful day! HA! HA!
I got ready for breakfast and decided to play off my bald head to my dorm mates to see if anyone noticed. Oh, they all noticed and I got some interesting comments – such as – “Now you look like one of us.” to “You look like a cancer patient but in a good way.” I tried to explain to my dorm mates what I thought had happened and all of them were equally puzzled. I certainly hope my hair does grow back because quite frankly, I am a very unattractive skinny bald man! I guess I will give it a few days to see if my hair starts growing back, and if it doesn’t then I will make an appointment with the doctor. I really don’t want to do this since this can delay my transfer to fire camp. On the other hand, if I have subjected myself to some kind of an allergic reaction, maybe something can be done to grow my hair back. I guess worse case scenario – I will remain bald. This should make for a very interesting reunion with my wife when she comes to visit me at fire camp hopefully within a month. Oh well, thankfully I have the Serenity Prayer and I know everything will be fine. I’m sure my resistance against the wind will be less as I run so at least I will become faster!
By the way, Happy April Fool’s Day to everyone! Did anyone actually believe I lost all of my hair? Hope you had a wonderful day! HA! HA!
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