In this prison life there are no secrets and all of my dorm mates saw I received all of these books. Each one made a comment so I will lend out three of my books. I know I will get them back because I know where they live! Prison life does provide for a great deal of time to read so I should have the books back in no time. There was also a method to my madness in giving the books away. I lent out three, leaving me with the maximum allowable amount of 10 books in my locker. If there is a search I won’t lose any of the books. I do wonder why the limit is only 10 books? Does it really make a difference if an inmate has more than 10 books? Does that pose a threat? Will I ever know the answers to these questions?
It was on to the evening yard where I had another telephone call to make. I was going to call my younger sister last night and thank her for sending me the books. I was also going to wish her and her wonderful family a very Merry Christmas. However, since it was only two days prior to my wife’s birthday and I was afraid I wouldn’t get in touch with her on Monday, I decided to call her. Hopefully, I will have an opportunity to call my younger sister prior to Christmas because I do want to speak with her. My wife wasn’t as stressed as she was the last time I talked with her. They were having a family Christmas party celebrating my wife’s birthday and her brother’s birthday which is a week apart. It seemed that they were having a very nice time. Even though I called close to 11:00 pm, my daughter was still awake. My son fell asleep an hour prior to that. I spoke briefly to my daughter and she asked if I was going to be moved to another place so we could talk longer and she can send me things. She is such an intelligent girl and she doesn’t miss anything. I told her I would be moving to another place and hopefully we can talk longer but she can send me things now and to ask her mom what she can send. I asked her about Christmas and whether Santa was coming. I also asked her if she had been a good girl. Her reply was very interesting, “I don’t know if I have been a good girl.” When I heard this I assured her she has been a GREAT girl. We then said our “I love you” “I miss you” and our “Good-bye”. The time was quickly running out and I said these same things to my wife. I also wished her a Happy Birthday in case I wasn’t able to talk to her on her birthday.
After hanging up I thought more about our conversation. I was wondering if the belief in the Santa Claus window has closed or is there another year left. She didn’t give me any indication that she has stopped believing but there isn’t much time left. My goodness she is growing up so fast. I also gave more thought to her “I don’t know if I’ve been a good girl” comment. My daughter is her own worst critic. She is so hard on herself which has its positives and negatives. The positive side is she is always trying her hardest and the negative is she is always trying her hardest. I just want to hold her and tell her it’s okay to make mistakes and to not be so hard on herself. Soon the time will come when I will be able to do this.
I’m beginning to sense a pattern when it comes to having difficulty sleeping at night. It happens each time I talk with my wife and my children. I can’t turn my mind off when it comes to my family. I try but it’s impossible especially when it’s so fresh in my head. I tossed and turned last night as I thought about my daughter. This journey I am on will end but it can’t end fast enough.
A funny story which happened upon leaving the dining hall after breakfast. I have sat with a dorm mate over the past few days who doesn’t even expect me to give him any of my food. In fact he doesn’t even ask and I trade with other inmates. I guess he does enjoy my company, go figure. This dorm mate took an apple - as I do – out of the dining hall and put it in his sock. As he walked toward the CO who guards the exit and checks everyone for stray fruit, the apple fell out of his sock onto the floor directly in front of the CO! The CO started to laugh and told him to just put it in your hat so no other CO sees you. It was good to see he recognized the fact that this particular inmate who is in his 40’s and a very nice person was not going to make “pruno” with his apple! It was refreshing to see the CO had common sense and was not on a power trip.
As I was reading in my bunk, the CO informed me that I had a visitor waiting for me. I walked toward the visiting area and it was hard to believe the outside world does exist 1000 feet from my dormitory. As I entered the building I was greeted by a CO who directed me to the rules which I quickly scanned. The only rule I took note of was the restroom rule which stated that I could not use the restroom in the visitors area, only the one near the inmate entrance away from the visitors. I scanned the room and saw my visitor in the far left corner waving to me. I quickly made my way over and the next three hours flew by! My visitor who is a member of the GA Program was kind enough to buy me Ritz Crisps, sunflower kernels, and a diet 7-up (my first carbonated beverage in over 5 months) from the vending machines.
The visiting room was packed and we secured a spot in the back where we had no problem talking non-stop for the entire three hour visit. I have not spoken at length to this person ever and it is amazing because we have so many things in common such as our compulsive gambling addiction and recovery. We talked about these topics and much more. It was a great visit and I am truly fortunate to have so many incredible people in my life such as my visitor today. I have to thank the GA Program for teaching me a real recovery Program and bringing these great people into my life. As we spoke I was reminded of the Program and my recovery. Those 3 hours were like a GA meeting on steroids. As soon as we sat down and started talking I felt wonderful. This feeling lasted all afternoon long and well after the visit was complete. When it was over we hugged and wished each other well. If I am still here in March or April my visitor will come back and even if I am not here and at a fire camp my visitor will see me again.
This visit made my day and I can’t say it enough – the visit was EXCELLENT. We didn’t really know each other prior to the visit but by the time it was over we were old dear friends. Recovery is a remarkable process and I am so grateful to be a part of it. My horrible experience is starting to give way to some very incredible experiences. Today was one of those INCREDIBLE experiences and as long as I stay in recovery these will continue. There are some truly magnificent people in this world and today I was visited by one of them. The only negative was that I had to get up and go to the restroom twice which used up some valuable time because I didn’t want to stop the conversation. Fortunately when I got back we picked up right where we left off.
The visit was an exceptional way to spend a Sunday afternoon and at some point in our conversation I actually forgot where I was. I have not received a visit since I was transferred out of the county jail over 4 months ago. My last visit was from a dear friend and my first visitor here was from a dear new friend. I can’t state it enough how blessed I am and I owe it all to my recovery and the GA Program. Without my recovery and the Program I would be truly lost and lonely. Now thanks to these I have been found and I am certainly not alone. I would like to thank my visitor for brightening up my day and this Holiday Season. Thank you so very much!
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Saturday, December 16, 2006
A Very Different Type Of Day
There was a search of lockers yesterday looking for “contraband”. My dorm was not searched even after everyone scrambled thinking the CO’s would venture into our dorm.
When all this “drama” had subsided the PFT Plus class was held with the attendance down somewhat. Most of the evening was taken over by me writing. Usually I write the blog in the late afternoon but due to my extra workout this was pushed back to the evening. This was just as well because once again the evening went by very quickly. I finished writing and decided to shave just in case my visitor came early this morning. I wanted to conserve the time because I don’t know how the visiting process works. I have seen my fellow dorm mates go out for visits and it appears the CO comes into the dorm to apprise them of the visit. Once they are notified they leave right away. I wanted to be clean shaven for the visit and the best way for me to ensure this was to shave last night.
I had a few administrative matters to attend to this morning before my visitor came. When the yard opened I headed straight for R&R where I could pick up the books my mom sent. I had no problem getting in and I was the first person called. There were three boxes waiting – two from Barnes and Noble and one from Amazon. The Barnes and Noble were from my mother and the one from Amazon was from my younger sister. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful and supportive family.
As it turns out I am only allowed to have 10 books in my possession. I received 10 from my mother and 3 from my sister. When the CO explained this to me, he asked which three books I would like to send back. I was looking at the books for a few seconds to decide this when he said, “Get out of here and take all the books with you.” I thanked him for his kindness. I had no idea I was in violation of the rules and I was very appreciative he let me keep all. Now I have my own reading material for a few weeks. I just have to put the extra three books in my bunkie’s locker so the CO’s don’t confiscate them.
After this I went to the store to see if I would be eligible to go today. However, it was clear they wouldn’t get to my number until next week. I kept listening to the loudspeaker for my name to be called. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen today. Next I tried to secure a telephone call for Monday, my wife’s birthday. This is all predicated on the fact that the yard opens up this evening.
When all this “drama” had subsided the PFT Plus class was held with the attendance down somewhat. Most of the evening was taken over by me writing. Usually I write the blog in the late afternoon but due to my extra workout this was pushed back to the evening. This was just as well because once again the evening went by very quickly. I finished writing and decided to shave just in case my visitor came early this morning. I wanted to conserve the time because I don’t know how the visiting process works. I have seen my fellow dorm mates go out for visits and it appears the CO comes into the dorm to apprise them of the visit. Once they are notified they leave right away. I wanted to be clean shaven for the visit and the best way for me to ensure this was to shave last night.
I had a few administrative matters to attend to this morning before my visitor came. When the yard opened I headed straight for R&R where I could pick up the books my mom sent. I had no problem getting in and I was the first person called. There were three boxes waiting – two from Barnes and Noble and one from Amazon. The Barnes and Noble were from my mother and the one from Amazon was from my younger sister. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful and supportive family.
As it turns out I am only allowed to have 10 books in my possession. I received 10 from my mother and 3 from my sister. When the CO explained this to me, he asked which three books I would like to send back. I was looking at the books for a few seconds to decide this when he said, “Get out of here and take all the books with you.” I thanked him for his kindness. I had no idea I was in violation of the rules and I was very appreciative he let me keep all. Now I have my own reading material for a few weeks. I just have to put the extra three books in my bunkie’s locker so the CO’s don’t confiscate them.
After this I went to the store to see if I would be eligible to go today. However, it was clear they wouldn’t get to my number until next week. I kept listening to the loudspeaker for my name to be called. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen today. Next I tried to secure a telephone call for Monday, my wife’s birthday. This is all predicated on the fact that the yard opens up this evening.
Friday, December 15, 2006
Awful Dinner
I had all the intentions of doing the exercises in the afternoon PFT Plus class while I was waiting for the yard to open for the afternoon. However, once I walked the 200 yards to where the class is held all my intentions seemed to fall away and by the time I reached the class I had decided to “instruct” which means not exercising. I completed my instructor duties for the afternoon and didn’t want to do anything else so I headed back to the dorm. I killed two hours doing my hygiene ritual.
My dorm mates had their radios on and “White Christmas” was playing. As the song played I couldn’t help but to listen and it hit me that this is certainly the Christmas Season. In a place like this Christmas is well hidden – there are no decorations, holiday music, and no Christmas parties. The subtle reminders as the song on the radio made me think of my family and not being part of their Christmas for the first time in my life. Christmas is in 10 days and amazingly enough I received my first and only Christmas card from a very dear relative – albeit a few times removed – and I was moved when I received it. I didn’t expect any cards because I thought I was prohibited from getting them, I guess not. Christmas will just be another day here and as it passes it will mark one day closer to being with my family. They are in a wonderful place because they are surrounded by loving dear family members. It’s impossible for me not to be sad when I think of my family spending Christmas while I am here but this is not a permanent sadness because my situation is temporary. The situation and my sadness will pass soon enough.
When my daily hygiene ritual was completed, it was just about time for dinner which was the dreaded filet o fish patties with scalloped potatoes. The menu said that cornbread would be served which I thought was unusual because that is never served with this meal. The only reason I decided to go to this dinner was for the cornbread, but as soon as I walked in the dining hall, I realized this was a big mistake. I looked at the other trays and saw hamburger buns instead of the cornbread. I wanted to turn back because even with the vegetarian status, it was going to be an awful dinner. I received a tray without the filet o fish pattie and extra scalloped potatoes. This would have been fine if I ate the potatoes but I don’t. I made my dorm mates happy by giving them all my potatoes. I ate the salad and the broccoli but nothing else. Needless to say this meal was less than satisfying and I needed more food. I had one soup left and decided to make it when I got back to the dorm. I also had some fresh carrots which I put in the soup. Once I finished I was full for the evening. I hope I can get to the store tomorrow otherwise I will have to wait one more week.
Last night was evening yard and I had another telephone call scheduled. Unbelievably, for the second time I was able to place the call and I signed up for another call for the 18th for my wife’s birthday. I called my mother and it was so good to hear her voice and again the time passed very quickly. I thanked her for sending me the 10 books and she also sent me a list of more books that I might be interested in. The conversation was wonderful as usual and I do enjoy talking to her and miss her very much. It was a great conversation and made me feel very good after speaking with her.
My dorm mates had their radios on and “White Christmas” was playing. As the song played I couldn’t help but to listen and it hit me that this is certainly the Christmas Season. In a place like this Christmas is well hidden – there are no decorations, holiday music, and no Christmas parties. The subtle reminders as the song on the radio made me think of my family and not being part of their Christmas for the first time in my life. Christmas is in 10 days and amazingly enough I received my first and only Christmas card from a very dear relative – albeit a few times removed – and I was moved when I received it. I didn’t expect any cards because I thought I was prohibited from getting them, I guess not. Christmas will just be another day here and as it passes it will mark one day closer to being with my family. They are in a wonderful place because they are surrounded by loving dear family members. It’s impossible for me not to be sad when I think of my family spending Christmas while I am here but this is not a permanent sadness because my situation is temporary. The situation and my sadness will pass soon enough.
When my daily hygiene ritual was completed, it was just about time for dinner which was the dreaded filet o fish patties with scalloped potatoes. The menu said that cornbread would be served which I thought was unusual because that is never served with this meal. The only reason I decided to go to this dinner was for the cornbread, but as soon as I walked in the dining hall, I realized this was a big mistake. I looked at the other trays and saw hamburger buns instead of the cornbread. I wanted to turn back because even with the vegetarian status, it was going to be an awful dinner. I received a tray without the filet o fish pattie and extra scalloped potatoes. This would have been fine if I ate the potatoes but I don’t. I made my dorm mates happy by giving them all my potatoes. I ate the salad and the broccoli but nothing else. Needless to say this meal was less than satisfying and I needed more food. I had one soup left and decided to make it when I got back to the dorm. I also had some fresh carrots which I put in the soup. Once I finished I was full for the evening. I hope I can get to the store tomorrow otherwise I will have to wait one more week.
Last night was evening yard and I had another telephone call scheduled. Unbelievably, for the second time I was able to place the call and I signed up for another call for the 18th for my wife’s birthday. I called my mother and it was so good to hear her voice and again the time passed very quickly. I thanked her for sending me the 10 books and she also sent me a list of more books that I might be interested in. The conversation was wonderful as usual and I do enjoy talking to her and miss her very much. It was a great conversation and made me feel very good after speaking with her.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Getting Older
(Another blog condensed)
Last week I put in what is known as a “A request for interview” slip to the medical department. According to my last visit with the doctor on November 2nd I was supposed to be scheduled for a follow-up two weeks later. It’s been six weeks and so far I haven’t heard anything. I received a response for my slip which stated that I needed to see the registered nurse on the yard. She screens the request for the doctor. After waiting and waiting to see her and having her be extremely rude to me and seeing her for a total of four minutes she explained that there was a “computer glitch” in setting up the appointments. She did say she would request an appointment for me with the doctor and if I didn’t hear anything in two weeks to put in another slip. Unfortunately, I am at the mercy of the medical department right now and need medical clearance as soon as possible. It is imperative I stay on top of this issue because it is apparent that I have to watch out for myself – no one else appears to be.
The other issue I have is with my counselor and I also sent him an “Inmate Request for Interview” slip inquiring as to the status of the paperwork requested from the county. I sent this request three weeks ago and haven’t heard anything back yet. It is now time to move to the next step which is seeing him. I was hoping to hear something by now so next Thursday I will get to the “Open Line” cattle call in order to see my counselor. Also, I need to ask him the status of my family visit because it is now approaching 3 weeks since I sent him the paperwork and I haven’t heard a thing. My wife needs time to make reservations which was indicated on the form sent to him. I hope he doesn’t give me a date with no lead time. I can’t wait to see my wife but airfare on short notice is extremely expensive and she needs to conserve all the money she can. Hopefully, by the end of the week I will have substantive answers to these issues.
Last night I once again composed three more letters which took up most of my evening. I was feeling the effects of the very demanding day and felt sleepy. I was asleep within two minutes of my head hitting the pillow at 10:00 pm and didn’t wake up until 5:00 am. The combination of not sleeping the night before and the physical demands of my day had caught up to me.
I went to breakfast with everyone in my dorm and now that my breakfast partner has departed for fire camp I have become a free agent when sitting in the dining hall. I still manage to sit next to someone whom I know. It is very strange because many of my fellow inmates know my first name through the PFT class as being the instructor; however, I don’t know their name. I do feel badly about this because I feel that I should know their names. It is also strange that when I walk or jog around the yard many inmates call out my name and say hello, yet I have no idea who they are. I am always cordial and reply in kind. I am starting to learn their names but I have a long way to go.
Amazingly enough I didn’t have any soreness when I woke up this morning but although I got a good night’s sleep I was still physically tired. I was able to do the morning PFT Plus class but it was more of a struggle than it is usually is. The two instructors who also did this class felt the same way and they are in their 20’s. This job is keeping me in good shape and good health but I have to remember I am getting older and sometimes discretion is the better part of honor. The only exercise I did today was the morning PFT Plus class and I do think as I get older I am FINALLY GETTING wiser – I hope!
Last week I put in what is known as a “A request for interview” slip to the medical department. According to my last visit with the doctor on November 2nd I was supposed to be scheduled for a follow-up two weeks later. It’s been six weeks and so far I haven’t heard anything. I received a response for my slip which stated that I needed to see the registered nurse on the yard. She screens the request for the doctor. After waiting and waiting to see her and having her be extremely rude to me and seeing her for a total of four minutes she explained that there was a “computer glitch” in setting up the appointments. She did say she would request an appointment for me with the doctor and if I didn’t hear anything in two weeks to put in another slip. Unfortunately, I am at the mercy of the medical department right now and need medical clearance as soon as possible. It is imperative I stay on top of this issue because it is apparent that I have to watch out for myself – no one else appears to be.
The other issue I have is with my counselor and I also sent him an “Inmate Request for Interview” slip inquiring as to the status of the paperwork requested from the county. I sent this request three weeks ago and haven’t heard anything back yet. It is now time to move to the next step which is seeing him. I was hoping to hear something by now so next Thursday I will get to the “Open Line” cattle call in order to see my counselor. Also, I need to ask him the status of my family visit because it is now approaching 3 weeks since I sent him the paperwork and I haven’t heard a thing. My wife needs time to make reservations which was indicated on the form sent to him. I hope he doesn’t give me a date with no lead time. I can’t wait to see my wife but airfare on short notice is extremely expensive and she needs to conserve all the money she can. Hopefully, by the end of the week I will have substantive answers to these issues.
Last night I once again composed three more letters which took up most of my evening. I was feeling the effects of the very demanding day and felt sleepy. I was asleep within two minutes of my head hitting the pillow at 10:00 pm and didn’t wake up until 5:00 am. The combination of not sleeping the night before and the physical demands of my day had caught up to me.
I went to breakfast with everyone in my dorm and now that my breakfast partner has departed for fire camp I have become a free agent when sitting in the dining hall. I still manage to sit next to someone whom I know. It is very strange because many of my fellow inmates know my first name through the PFT class as being the instructor; however, I don’t know their name. I do feel badly about this because I feel that I should know their names. It is also strange that when I walk or jog around the yard many inmates call out my name and say hello, yet I have no idea who they are. I am always cordial and reply in kind. I am starting to learn their names but I have a long way to go.
Amazingly enough I didn’t have any soreness when I woke up this morning but although I got a good night’s sleep I was still physically tired. I was able to do the morning PFT Plus class but it was more of a struggle than it is usually is. The two instructors who also did this class felt the same way and they are in their 20’s. This job is keeping me in good shape and good health but I have to remember I am getting older and sometimes discretion is the better part of honor. The only exercise I did today was the morning PFT Plus class and I do think as I get older I am FINALLY GETTING wiser – I hope!
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Toy Drive
(Condensed)
After I finished the Harvard Wall I walked over to where the “Good News/ Bad News List” (this is the list that would let me know whether or not I would be able to attend the “store”) and saw my name on the “Good News List”! This also means I will be able to make something other than peanut butter and jam sandwiches for lunch because now I can purchase tuna fish. I looked at the store list and there really aren’t many items I will be purchasing but I will be able to obtain calories in items such as soups, tuna fish, oatmeal, beans and crackers. These items should last me at least two months. Now the only question mark is when will I actually go to the store? They start with the last two digits in our CDC number. This week they are starting with 01 and my number is 91. Hopefully, I should be able to attend the store on Friday.
At 4:00 pm the mail arrived and I received two pieces from two very good friends. I always look forward to “mail call” because all the letters I receive add a little more to my day. Today was no exception and one of the letters informed me of a “toy drive” which many of my very generous GA friends have taken part in so my family back in New Jersey would have a very Merry Christmas this year. These friends are so dear to me and I am honored with their incredible friendship. When my wife read the e-mail about the toy drive she just lost control of her emotions and cried so hard each time she thought about their kindness. She was so deeply touched by these unbelievable and amazing people! Everyone has been so kind and generous to not only me but my wife and children as well. Their support has been magnificent and having all these great people in my life has been a blessing. I thank each and everyone of them for their friendship and generosity.
Last night was an evening yard with me having a scheduled telephone call. Of course, I was expecting something to happen which would have prevented my phone call. Much to my surprise nothing did happen and I was able to make the call. I called my wife and noticed she didn’t seem like herself because she was so stressed. She has been very busy with the children and their activities which included a Holiday Play. Both my son and daughter were in the play last weekend. Thankfully, my wife recorded it and I will be able to view it at a later point in time. My daughter is very active in the Brownies which also keeps my wife busy. This being the holiday season seems also to add to my wife’s stress level. Finally, throw in the financial difficulties I bestowed on her it is amazing I haven’t sensed this stress before. It was very difficult hearing my wife like this because it was me who caused all this unnecessary grief. She is doing an incredible job given the circumstances and she is truly an amazing woman. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to help her while I am here. I am truly powerless because I so want to help her but there is nothing I can do. I must accept the fact there is nothing I can do but I certainly don’t like it at all. I could beat myself up because it was me and only me which created the financial nightmare for my wife. She is digging out of a very large hole and right now I cannot help. I must stay true to my recovery and when I get released I will be able to help her. I must believe that things will get better.
Again the 15 minutes on the telephone passed so quickly and there were so many times I wanted to jump through the phone and hug my wife to tell her everything will be alright in time. My wife is very resourceful and she will be able to find a way to make things work financially. It certainly won’t be an easy year plus while I am serving my time but somehow someway she will make it work. I need to mention that not once in our conservation or for that matter in any of our conversations has my wife complained. She has every right to read me the “Riot Act” each time she speaks with me but she doesn’t. The stress I sensed was in her voice and how she was telling me about certain things. This is a very stressful time normally and my wife is dealing with abnormality while I serve my time. It is only temporary and I know she will make it.
My wife found out about the incredible toy drive by our very generous friends. We spoke about this last night and my wife was very surprised by this incredible generous act of kindness. She told me she was “blown away” when she found out. I too am “blown away” by these wonderful people. The telephone call ended on a very upbeat note and hopefully the next I speak with her will be on her birthday. After the phone call I couldn’t help but to think about what I have done to her and how much stress I have inflicted. I carried these thoughts with me as I tried to fall asleep last night. I had a very difficult time sleeping because my mind was with my wife. I tossed and turned all night long and didn’t get much sleep at all.
Today was a very full day and I used a great deal of energy not only with the walking and running but with trying to encourage the students. I was drained by the time the run was over in the last class. All day the focus was on the students who were taking the test. While 32 out of 100 failed the class, 68 did pass which makes my job very rewarding. I was pleasantly surprised in so many ways today and all of this came from the students. I am very grateful to be a part of this program and know that God’s plan is working great.
After I finished the Harvard Wall I walked over to where the “Good News/ Bad News List” (this is the list that would let me know whether or not I would be able to attend the “store”) and saw my name on the “Good News List”! This also means I will be able to make something other than peanut butter and jam sandwiches for lunch because now I can purchase tuna fish. I looked at the store list and there really aren’t many items I will be purchasing but I will be able to obtain calories in items such as soups, tuna fish, oatmeal, beans and crackers. These items should last me at least two months. Now the only question mark is when will I actually go to the store? They start with the last two digits in our CDC number. This week they are starting with 01 and my number is 91. Hopefully, I should be able to attend the store on Friday.
At 4:00 pm the mail arrived and I received two pieces from two very good friends. I always look forward to “mail call” because all the letters I receive add a little more to my day. Today was no exception and one of the letters informed me of a “toy drive” which many of my very generous GA friends have taken part in so my family back in New Jersey would have a very Merry Christmas this year. These friends are so dear to me and I am honored with their incredible friendship. When my wife read the e-mail about the toy drive she just lost control of her emotions and cried so hard each time she thought about their kindness. She was so deeply touched by these unbelievable and amazing people! Everyone has been so kind and generous to not only me but my wife and children as well. Their support has been magnificent and having all these great people in my life has been a blessing. I thank each and everyone of them for their friendship and generosity.
Last night was an evening yard with me having a scheduled telephone call. Of course, I was expecting something to happen which would have prevented my phone call. Much to my surprise nothing did happen and I was able to make the call. I called my wife and noticed she didn’t seem like herself because she was so stressed. She has been very busy with the children and their activities which included a Holiday Play. Both my son and daughter were in the play last weekend. Thankfully, my wife recorded it and I will be able to view it at a later point in time. My daughter is very active in the Brownies which also keeps my wife busy. This being the holiday season seems also to add to my wife’s stress level. Finally, throw in the financial difficulties I bestowed on her it is amazing I haven’t sensed this stress before. It was very difficult hearing my wife like this because it was me who caused all this unnecessary grief. She is doing an incredible job given the circumstances and she is truly an amazing woman. Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do to help her while I am here. I am truly powerless because I so want to help her but there is nothing I can do. I must accept the fact there is nothing I can do but I certainly don’t like it at all. I could beat myself up because it was me and only me which created the financial nightmare for my wife. She is digging out of a very large hole and right now I cannot help. I must stay true to my recovery and when I get released I will be able to help her. I must believe that things will get better.
Again the 15 minutes on the telephone passed so quickly and there were so many times I wanted to jump through the phone and hug my wife to tell her everything will be alright in time. My wife is very resourceful and she will be able to find a way to make things work financially. It certainly won’t be an easy year plus while I am serving my time but somehow someway she will make it work. I need to mention that not once in our conservation or for that matter in any of our conversations has my wife complained. She has every right to read me the “Riot Act” each time she speaks with me but she doesn’t. The stress I sensed was in her voice and how she was telling me about certain things. This is a very stressful time normally and my wife is dealing with abnormality while I serve my time. It is only temporary and I know she will make it.
My wife found out about the incredible toy drive by our very generous friends. We spoke about this last night and my wife was very surprised by this incredible generous act of kindness. She told me she was “blown away” when she found out. I too am “blown away” by these wonderful people. The telephone call ended on a very upbeat note and hopefully the next I speak with her will be on her birthday. After the phone call I couldn’t help but to think about what I have done to her and how much stress I have inflicted. I carried these thoughts with me as I tried to fall asleep last night. I had a very difficult time sleeping because my mind was with my wife. I tossed and turned all night long and didn’t get much sleep at all.
Today was a very full day and I used a great deal of energy not only with the walking and running but with trying to encourage the students. I was drained by the time the run was over in the last class. All day the focus was on the students who were taking the test. While 32 out of 100 failed the class, 68 did pass which makes my job very rewarding. I was pleasantly surprised in so many ways today and all of this came from the students. I am very grateful to be a part of this program and know that God’s plan is working great.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Five Months In
(Another Condensed Version)
Doing mundane simple things seem to take a long time in a place like this which is a good thing. I certainly have plenty of time to do whatever task is in front of me. I returned back to the dorm at 11;00 am and needed to do some of those mundane simple things like wash my clothes in the sink, shave, and shower. In the afternoon, I spent in my bunk writing and reading. The mail came yesterday afternoon and I received three more letters from my dear friends. They were all from my friends in the GA Program. I am a very fortunate and blessed person to finally embrace this program because it provides me with so many benefits. One which is the incredible friendships I have established in my short 21 ½ months associated with this program. Even though I have not attended a meeting in over 5 months I still feel connected to the Program thanks to my incredible friends who have taught me and continue to teach me the value of recovery. This is truly wonderful and I am a grateful compulsive gambler in recovery.
The forecast called for rain today and I was hoping the rain would either end early in the morning or hold off until the afternoon so the PFT class could be held. Due to the rain, there was no early breakfast so I went with all of my dorm mates to the regular breakfast.
We went to the normal dining hall which I like because I am not subject to any humiliation from the “no-meat CO”.
I finished my breakfast and headed back to the dorm in the rain. When the yard opened it was pouring down rain. I knew we weren’t going to have the PFT class which obviously upsets my normal routine so I needed to make an adjustment for today which was to read. I took a break from reading to look outside and even though it was still raining I saw the lead instructor working out underneath one of the overhangs. Apparently, he is worse than me when it comes to exercising! Around noon it stopped raining so I went outside to do the Harvard Wall for an hour.
While I was watching the news this morning, across the bottom of the screen came the headline: PRISON OVERCROWDING ULTIMATUM – Judge gives governor 6 months to find solution. I was waiting for a more in depth report on this but I never saw it. During the morning, one of my dorm mates came back inside from the yard and he had been talking to a few other inmates about this. According to them, they saw a news report and they told my dorm mate that Governor Schwarznegger has until June of next year to release 73,000 inmates because the prison system is overcrowded by this number. If the governor doesn’t do this, the judge will turn the prison system over to the federal government and they will start releasing prisoners. Allegedly, this action is a result of an overcrowding lawsuit filed a few months ago in relation to the deplorable health care within the system. For some reason I cannot make any sense what was said by the inmates who saw the news report. I believe it is someone’s biased opinion of what was reported which doesn’t necessarily reflect the true picture. Today marks five months for me on the inside or better stated – five months in. My sentence calls for me to serve 24 months without a fire camp commitment but when I get there my sentence will be reduced further. I would very much like to believe my sentence will be reduced even further with the news today but I can’t. I have to keep my mind on the overall release date of July 17, 2008 and if I get released prior to this then it would be wonderful! I have heard all kinds of rumors in these past five months and when something happens I will believe it then. I do think something has to happen because the overcrowding has hit critical mass. However, whether it has anything to do with the reduction of my sentence is something I choose not to focus on. What I must focus on is getting back to my family as a better person and the only way this can happen is by staying in recovery. So far this has provided me with a new and purposeful life. There is no reason not to believe this wonderful life will continue as I work my recovery everyday. Life has gotten better and will continue to get better as I stay in recovery. I thank God each day for providing me with this incredible life.
Doing mundane simple things seem to take a long time in a place like this which is a good thing. I certainly have plenty of time to do whatever task is in front of me. I returned back to the dorm at 11;00 am and needed to do some of those mundane simple things like wash my clothes in the sink, shave, and shower. In the afternoon, I spent in my bunk writing and reading. The mail came yesterday afternoon and I received three more letters from my dear friends. They were all from my friends in the GA Program. I am a very fortunate and blessed person to finally embrace this program because it provides me with so many benefits. One which is the incredible friendships I have established in my short 21 ½ months associated with this program. Even though I have not attended a meeting in over 5 months I still feel connected to the Program thanks to my incredible friends who have taught me and continue to teach me the value of recovery. This is truly wonderful and I am a grateful compulsive gambler in recovery.
The forecast called for rain today and I was hoping the rain would either end early in the morning or hold off until the afternoon so the PFT class could be held. Due to the rain, there was no early breakfast so I went with all of my dorm mates to the regular breakfast.
We went to the normal dining hall which I like because I am not subject to any humiliation from the “no-meat CO”.
I finished my breakfast and headed back to the dorm in the rain. When the yard opened it was pouring down rain. I knew we weren’t going to have the PFT class which obviously upsets my normal routine so I needed to make an adjustment for today which was to read. I took a break from reading to look outside and even though it was still raining I saw the lead instructor working out underneath one of the overhangs. Apparently, he is worse than me when it comes to exercising! Around noon it stopped raining so I went outside to do the Harvard Wall for an hour.
While I was watching the news this morning, across the bottom of the screen came the headline: PRISON OVERCROWDING ULTIMATUM – Judge gives governor 6 months to find solution. I was waiting for a more in depth report on this but I never saw it. During the morning, one of my dorm mates came back inside from the yard and he had been talking to a few other inmates about this. According to them, they saw a news report and they told my dorm mate that Governor Schwarznegger has until June of next year to release 73,000 inmates because the prison system is overcrowded by this number. If the governor doesn’t do this, the judge will turn the prison system over to the federal government and they will start releasing prisoners. Allegedly, this action is a result of an overcrowding lawsuit filed a few months ago in relation to the deplorable health care within the system. For some reason I cannot make any sense what was said by the inmates who saw the news report. I believe it is someone’s biased opinion of what was reported which doesn’t necessarily reflect the true picture. Today marks five months for me on the inside or better stated – five months in. My sentence calls for me to serve 24 months without a fire camp commitment but when I get there my sentence will be reduced further. I would very much like to believe my sentence will be reduced even further with the news today but I can’t. I have to keep my mind on the overall release date of July 17, 2008 and if I get released prior to this then it would be wonderful! I have heard all kinds of rumors in these past five months and when something happens I will believe it then. I do think something has to happen because the overcrowding has hit critical mass. However, whether it has anything to do with the reduction of my sentence is something I choose not to focus on. What I must focus on is getting back to my family as a better person and the only way this can happen is by staying in recovery. So far this has provided me with a new and purposeful life. There is no reason not to believe this wonderful life will continue as I work my recovery everyday. Life has gotten better and will continue to get better as I stay in recovery. I thank God each day for providing me with this incredible life.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Exception to the Lockdown
(Reader's Digest Condensed Version)
All day yesterday, we were confined to our dorm due to the yard closure in the morning. I used this time to thoroughly clean my whites and to get a very good shave. Of course, I wrote but made a conscious effort to only write for an hour since I need some diversification and don’t want to get burned out. I ventured into the TV area to watch the football game between the Chargers and Broncos. My dorm mates asked who my favorite team was. For a number of years it was any team which beat the spread and the only one I truly followed was the NY Mets. While I was growing up, I loved the Miami Dolphins mostly because they were a great team when I was a kid.
In so many ways gambling has ruined sports for me because I took it way too seriously and never enjoyed it like a sports fan would. I treated the teams like trading stocks on a daily basis and only cared when they beat the point spread for that particular game. The next game I could be rooting against that team, so I was fickle. Now when I was watching the game as a sports fan it was very good. I must continue to stay active in GA or I am doomed to repeat the mistakes of my past. I certainly don’t want to return to a place like this and the only way for me to ensure this does not happen is to stay in recovery.
After I watched the game, I started ALONG CAME A SPIDER by – you guessed it – James Patterson. Once again the novel moves very quickly but I am noticing subtle differences in his writing style with some of his more recent works. One example is his use of profanity which he uses in his earlier novels and is almost non-existent in his recent novels. Also, in the earlier novels he seems to be more descriptive and has added at least 100 pages to his novels. In his recent novels he gets to the point much quicker. Nevertheless his novels have helped me pass the time more effectively.
I need to update my hip/left glute injury. All day yesterday I could feel a small ache traveling back and forth between my hip and glute. This ache was starting to diminish throughout the day and I was thinking I should be fine for the PFT class tomorrow. I even went outside for the purpose of signing up for a phone call. I went outside but kept my walking minimal to rest my injury. After signing up I had a conversation with the student I have been helping in the PFT class. This conversation was about his addiction to drugs. Apparently, he comes from a very affluent family and his financial future is predicated on staying clean for the next five years. As the conversation went on, I lost some type of connection to my fellow inmate because he stated over and over again that when he was on drugs it was great. Unfortunately, during our conversation, I never heard the word Program mentioned once. I do hope for his sake he finds something which he can truly recover not just abstain. There were no magic words from me to help him understand what awaits him in recovery. Hopefully, he does experience it and whether he knows it or not this conversation helped me tremendously. Thankfully, I have found recovery and intend to work it to the best of my ability one day a t a time for a lifetime.
All day yesterday, we were confined to our dorm due to the yard closure in the morning. I used this time to thoroughly clean my whites and to get a very good shave. Of course, I wrote but made a conscious effort to only write for an hour since I need some diversification and don’t want to get burned out. I ventured into the TV area to watch the football game between the Chargers and Broncos. My dorm mates asked who my favorite team was. For a number of years it was any team which beat the spread and the only one I truly followed was the NY Mets. While I was growing up, I loved the Miami Dolphins mostly because they were a great team when I was a kid.
In so many ways gambling has ruined sports for me because I took it way too seriously and never enjoyed it like a sports fan would. I treated the teams like trading stocks on a daily basis and only cared when they beat the point spread for that particular game. The next game I could be rooting against that team, so I was fickle. Now when I was watching the game as a sports fan it was very good. I must continue to stay active in GA or I am doomed to repeat the mistakes of my past. I certainly don’t want to return to a place like this and the only way for me to ensure this does not happen is to stay in recovery.
After I watched the game, I started ALONG CAME A SPIDER by – you guessed it – James Patterson. Once again the novel moves very quickly but I am noticing subtle differences in his writing style with some of his more recent works. One example is his use of profanity which he uses in his earlier novels and is almost non-existent in his recent novels. Also, in the earlier novels he seems to be more descriptive and has added at least 100 pages to his novels. In his recent novels he gets to the point much quicker. Nevertheless his novels have helped me pass the time more effectively.
I need to update my hip/left glute injury. All day yesterday I could feel a small ache traveling back and forth between my hip and glute. This ache was starting to diminish throughout the day and I was thinking I should be fine for the PFT class tomorrow. I even went outside for the purpose of signing up for a phone call. I went outside but kept my walking minimal to rest my injury. After signing up I had a conversation with the student I have been helping in the PFT class. This conversation was about his addiction to drugs. Apparently, he comes from a very affluent family and his financial future is predicated on staying clean for the next five years. As the conversation went on, I lost some type of connection to my fellow inmate because he stated over and over again that when he was on drugs it was great. Unfortunately, during our conversation, I never heard the word Program mentioned once. I do hope for his sake he finds something which he can truly recover not just abstain. There were no magic words from me to help him understand what awaits him in recovery. Hopefully, he does experience it and whether he knows it or not this conversation helped me tremendously. Thankfully, I have found recovery and intend to work it to the best of my ability one day a t a time for a lifetime.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Rainy Sunday
It was a good thing I didn’t push myself during my run because I had the potential for doing some damage to my left leg. After helping the student from the PFT class it was time for me to go into the dorm. The ache in my left glutus maximus was getting more painful. As soon as I got inside I asked my bunk neighbor if he had any ibuprofen and fortunately he had a 600 milligram capsule. The only pain reliever which helps me alleviate any aches is ibuprofen and I was fortunate to receive one. After taking the capsule, it was time for a shower. I stopped calling it a hot shower because my fantasy about actually taking one of these has been squashed. I am now settling for a “lukewarm” shower which certainly beats a cold shower. As I was taking a shower, I could feel the pain diminish slowly. This certainly was a good sign but even though the pain was going away, I still could feel a dull ache. Had this ache occurred while I was on the outside I would have treated it with a heating pad and ice regime. However, neither of those two items is available so I am doing my best with what I have.
After I got out of the shower and got dressed I did some more writing while sitting on my bunk. I tried the best I could to take some of the pressure off my left glute. I propped up my two blankets and sat on them; however, the sitting only seemed to make the matter worse - it seemed to stiffen up. I did a few stretches prior to walking to the dining hall for dinner. As I walked to dinner I was walking with a noticeable limp. The pain is not very bad at all but when I make certain sudden movements I can feel it more. I made it to the dining hall without any problems but I was being very self-conscious as I limped. In my deluded mind, I set myself up for the inmate who runs all the time and is in very good shape so I wanted to mask my injury from my fellow inmates. Interestingly enough only one person asked me I was okay and that was my bunk neighbor when he saw me limping out of the dining hall. This means one of two things: either I was masking my injury very well or frankly no other inmate cared that I was limping. I will go with the latter and I have to deflate my ego or I will further injure myself.
Last night’s dinner was a good one because I consumed enough calories. It was Mexican food night and I received extra beans, rice, and corn. The fellas on the food service line took care of me last night. I had so much food it took me twice as long to finish my meal. I even ate the dessert which was canned pears. This meal was a welcome relief because it meant I needed no further food the rest of the night. I have a little trick I play on myself when I know I shouldn’t eat anything the rest of the night. As soon as I get back into the dorm from dinner, I brush my teeth which tells my stomach – “You are done until tomorrow morning.” Last night I implemented this trick right away even though I really didn’t need it. I decided to finish writing and listen to my CD player all night long. Yes, it is a CD player but I use it to listen to the radio. I wanted to rest my glute and again propped up the two blankets as I laid down. Even though I did basically nothing last night the evening went by very quickly. It was 10:30 pm before I knew it and it was time to go to bed.
I didn’t exactly have a sound sleep because I kept waking up every few hours to use the bathroom. This is one of the side effects for me when I take ibuprofen because usually the medication helps alleviate the pain. When I woke up the second time to use the bathroom I noticed the ache seemed to move to the left hip from my glute. The pain definitely subsided but now there was a dull ache in my hip. I know what I need to do in order to ensure I don’t further injure myself which is rest and stretching. The good thing is today being Sunday means it is my normal day of rest. Again I woke up at 5:00 am but stayed in my bunk until 6:30 am. Also, the sky was very threatening and it was starting to rain. It was going to be a rainy Sunday which was good for me because it forced me to rest. Yes, even though I do know what is best for me sometimes having outside factors helps influence my decision.
As I walked to breakfast, my limp was nowhere near as pronounced as it was last night. The dull ache most certainly moved to my left hip. One of the negative sides of running is the susceptibility of injury. Personally, I don’t know of anyone who has run a number of years and who has not suffered one type of injury. The constant impact of running provides the high probability of injury. For me it is know when enough is enough. Normally when I would feel an ache or pain due to the running I would concentrate more on my cycling which provides no impact while strengthening the injury. However, the situation I am currently in is anything but normal so I need an alternative plan. I do have to function in my job as an instructor for the next three days and really even though I tend to log many miles during the class the impact of these miles are really not taxing on my legs. The bulk of the miles are performed during the power walk which has much less impact than running. I just have to make sure I am able to do the power walk without any further injury tomorrow morning. I did some more stretching but this ache seems to be traveling from my left hip back to my left glute. This is new to me because usually when I have an ache or pain it stays in one place.
Today our tier had morning yard and in spite of the rain, the yard usually opens unless there is a fog. There was no fog this morning - just rain. The yard opened on time at 9:00 am which made me happy because I had a 10:45 telephone call scheduled so I could call my mother. Had it not been raining, I would have gone out into the yard when it opened. However, due to the rain, I decided to stay inside and catch the 9:45 am unlock thus minimizing my time outside in the rain. No sooner than 10 minutes after the yard opened it was closed. Everyone – only a few people – who ventured outside to go to church came back inside because the yard had been recalled –closed. I don’t believe the rain had anything to do with the recall; my guess is something happened on one of the other yards which affect everyone. Of course with the closure of the yard, I wouldn’t be able to place my scheduled phone call. I lost count as to how many times this happened and now it is just part of the normal program. I have come to expect this every time I sign up for a phone call and when I actually do get a chance to place one I am very surprised. It looks like my attempt at making a phone call will have to wait for at least two more days. I will try to sign up tonight for Tuesday but of course there is no guarantee. The yard will be closed on Monday and Tuesday during the day which means the earliest possible day I can place a telephone call would be Saturday. I am potentially having a visitor on Saturday so that day may be out. The next day I legitimately will have an opportunity to make a call is not until next weekend. My wife’s birthday is the 18th and unfortunately I have no control over whether or not I can call her. This falls into the category of “oh, well” and sure it is annoying but it is not permanent. These inconveniences are only temporary and will pass over soon enough. In ten years from now I will be laughing about this situation and as long as I stay in recovery I will be a better person for it.
After I got out of the shower and got dressed I did some more writing while sitting on my bunk. I tried the best I could to take some of the pressure off my left glute. I propped up my two blankets and sat on them; however, the sitting only seemed to make the matter worse - it seemed to stiffen up. I did a few stretches prior to walking to the dining hall for dinner. As I walked to dinner I was walking with a noticeable limp. The pain is not very bad at all but when I make certain sudden movements I can feel it more. I made it to the dining hall without any problems but I was being very self-conscious as I limped. In my deluded mind, I set myself up for the inmate who runs all the time and is in very good shape so I wanted to mask my injury from my fellow inmates. Interestingly enough only one person asked me I was okay and that was my bunk neighbor when he saw me limping out of the dining hall. This means one of two things: either I was masking my injury very well or frankly no other inmate cared that I was limping. I will go with the latter and I have to deflate my ego or I will further injure myself.
Last night’s dinner was a good one because I consumed enough calories. It was Mexican food night and I received extra beans, rice, and corn. The fellas on the food service line took care of me last night. I had so much food it took me twice as long to finish my meal. I even ate the dessert which was canned pears. This meal was a welcome relief because it meant I needed no further food the rest of the night. I have a little trick I play on myself when I know I shouldn’t eat anything the rest of the night. As soon as I get back into the dorm from dinner, I brush my teeth which tells my stomach – “You are done until tomorrow morning.” Last night I implemented this trick right away even though I really didn’t need it. I decided to finish writing and listen to my CD player all night long. Yes, it is a CD player but I use it to listen to the radio. I wanted to rest my glute and again propped up the two blankets as I laid down. Even though I did basically nothing last night the evening went by very quickly. It was 10:30 pm before I knew it and it was time to go to bed.
I didn’t exactly have a sound sleep because I kept waking up every few hours to use the bathroom. This is one of the side effects for me when I take ibuprofen because usually the medication helps alleviate the pain. When I woke up the second time to use the bathroom I noticed the ache seemed to move to the left hip from my glute. The pain definitely subsided but now there was a dull ache in my hip. I know what I need to do in order to ensure I don’t further injure myself which is rest and stretching. The good thing is today being Sunday means it is my normal day of rest. Again I woke up at 5:00 am but stayed in my bunk until 6:30 am. Also, the sky was very threatening and it was starting to rain. It was going to be a rainy Sunday which was good for me because it forced me to rest. Yes, even though I do know what is best for me sometimes having outside factors helps influence my decision.
As I walked to breakfast, my limp was nowhere near as pronounced as it was last night. The dull ache most certainly moved to my left hip. One of the negative sides of running is the susceptibility of injury. Personally, I don’t know of anyone who has run a number of years and who has not suffered one type of injury. The constant impact of running provides the high probability of injury. For me it is know when enough is enough. Normally when I would feel an ache or pain due to the running I would concentrate more on my cycling which provides no impact while strengthening the injury. However, the situation I am currently in is anything but normal so I need an alternative plan. I do have to function in my job as an instructor for the next three days and really even though I tend to log many miles during the class the impact of these miles are really not taxing on my legs. The bulk of the miles are performed during the power walk which has much less impact than running. I just have to make sure I am able to do the power walk without any further injury tomorrow morning. I did some more stretching but this ache seems to be traveling from my left hip back to my left glute. This is new to me because usually when I have an ache or pain it stays in one place.
Today our tier had morning yard and in spite of the rain, the yard usually opens unless there is a fog. There was no fog this morning - just rain. The yard opened on time at 9:00 am which made me happy because I had a 10:45 telephone call scheduled so I could call my mother. Had it not been raining, I would have gone out into the yard when it opened. However, due to the rain, I decided to stay inside and catch the 9:45 am unlock thus minimizing my time outside in the rain. No sooner than 10 minutes after the yard opened it was closed. Everyone – only a few people – who ventured outside to go to church came back inside because the yard had been recalled –closed. I don’t believe the rain had anything to do with the recall; my guess is something happened on one of the other yards which affect everyone. Of course with the closure of the yard, I wouldn’t be able to place my scheduled phone call. I lost count as to how many times this happened and now it is just part of the normal program. I have come to expect this every time I sign up for a phone call and when I actually do get a chance to place one I am very surprised. It looks like my attempt at making a phone call will have to wait for at least two more days. I will try to sign up tonight for Tuesday but of course there is no guarantee. The yard will be closed on Monday and Tuesday during the day which means the earliest possible day I can place a telephone call would be Saturday. I am potentially having a visitor on Saturday so that day may be out. The next day I legitimately will have an opportunity to make a call is not until next weekend. My wife’s birthday is the 18th and unfortunately I have no control over whether or not I can call her. This falls into the category of “oh, well” and sure it is annoying but it is not permanent. These inconveniences are only temporary and will pass over soon enough. In ten years from now I will be laughing about this situation and as long as I stay in recovery I will be a better person for it.
Saturday, December 09, 2006
Dreary Day
Finally after the meeting I was able to place the telephone call to my wife. I got through and spoke with her. Oh, those 15 minutes sure seem like the fastest 15 minutes in my life. We only spoke about two subjects – the package I received last week and my attorney’s office. The more I continue to hear about them, the angrier I become. It has now been five months since my sentencing and there are still loose ends which need to be tied up. My poor wife has to deal with all of this by herself and she continues to get the big run around. The request may seem simple yet the process is being made way too complex. I look forward to the day when I no longer have to deal with my attorney or his office. As for the package, it does seem my wife ordered the missing items but they never showed up in the package. The good thing was she was not charged for those items. All in all, it would have been nice to have the missing products but it really is no big deal. I got along fine without them so far and will continue to get along without them for now. The telephone call ended so quickly, we didn’t have time to talk about the children. Based on all the letters I have received my children are still doing very well.
I received some pictures from my father who was visiting NJ during the Thanksgiving Holiday. As I receive each picture, I keep noticing more and more things about my children. Of course they are still adorable and will always be in my eyes. My son’s face looks like it is becoming more defined and he is losing the roundness of his baby years. My daughter’s hair is getting so long and she is getting more beautiful. Next summer can no come fast enough because this is when I will get to see them. Presumably if all goes well on my medical tests I should be transferred to a fire camp in March or April. This way – come July or August, my family can come to visit me. From what I have been told, most of the fire camps are much less ominous than the prison. A visit to the will seem like camping in the mountains to my children. I know the visit will be brief but one hug from them and it will be well worth it.
I forgot to mention that I received my timesheet for the month of November. Apparently payroll is done on a monthly basis. I started my position on the 14th of November and worked throughout the rest of the month. I didn’t work on Thanksgiving Day and the day after because they were scheduled holidays. I worked roughly half the month and grossed $9.10 – WOW! Remember this is the gross amount and 40% of it will go to restitution, leaving me with $5.46 in my inmate trust account. As I mentioned previously, the fact that I have something productive and constructive to do from Monday thru Friday is pay enough for me. Many other inmates are without a job of any type. I was very fortunate to secure this position and I am very grateful. Making 11 cents an hour certainly doesn’t bother me. I used to make a heck of a lot more than this but those jobs were nowhere near as rewarding as this one. Obviously, when my time is served I will not be able to provide for my family making 11 cents an hour, but whatever position I am able to obtain, I do hope it will be rewarding.
Yesterday afternoon marked the end of all the PFT classes. Due to the fact that I performed one of the rotations during the morning class, my role was limited. I was debating whether or not to exercise in this class but I decided on being an instructor during the class for the first time. This meant I would walk around where the students do their exercises and encourage them and show them the proper techniques. While I was doing this, it dawned on me how physically demanding this class really is. Only the three instructors in front of the class were able to perform all the required exercises while all the students had to stop at one point or another. This class is truly no joke. We did have two participants try to pass the instructor test during the class but they gave up during the first rotation. I must admit I am impressed with the fitness level of my fellow instructors. From the youngest of 22 – to the oldest of – 57 all of them are in great shape and gave me a new level of appreciation for my fellow inmates. The class had ended and I didn’t believe any further exercise was needed. My old bones were telling me to rest and I listened. It was time to head back to the dorm for a shower. Also, due to the fact yesterday was Friday and I needed to do my weekly laundry.
I was able to do my laundry and have my 1000th peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch and take a shower all before going to dinner. My hunger seemed to diminish yesterday afternoon after I had lunch, finished the baked potato chips, two graham crackers and two granola bars. I wasn’t famished after eating all of this food. It was now time for dinner and somehow a double helping of mashed potatoes is considered a protein because I didn’t receive the usual two tubes of peanut butter. I inquired about that because there weren’t any beans on the tray nor any discernible proteins. However, according to the kitchen supervisor, I didn’t receive the peanut butter because I received a second helping of the mashed potatoes. I didn’t argue and just said thank you. There are some nights like last night when I just shake my head in disbelief because the vegetarian diet given to me and other inmates like myself is not exactly well-balanced but as of right now, I am not going to subject my body to the meats which are served here. Last night the main entrée was turkey and every piece I saw was a not solovely shade of gray and even when I ate turkey, I couldn’t bring myself to eat what was served last night. Anyhow, I ate the mashed potatoes, broccoli, and salad. Surprisingly enough I was done eating for the evening because I was full.
I spent all of last night writing letters. Normally I would have saved them for today but I wanted to save a very special long letter for today which I did. I was able to compose four letters last night and by the time I finished it was past 10:00 pm. It was a great way to spend a Friday night (really). While I was sitting on my bunk writing, there was a brief verbal altercation with a few of the dorm mates over the television schedule for the evening. One of my dorm mates thought wrestling was part of the agreed upon schedule but somehow his wrestling program was overrode. “Fake Wrestling” is very big in a place like this. I listened to him almost break down in tears because he couldn’t watch wrestling. Finally, after 15 minutes he gave up his fight and accepted the program schedule without wrestling. It is apparent all fights in a place like this are over something stupid. I’m glad the episode last night over the TV schedule did not escalate any further. Most of the dorm mates are level headed and even the dorm mate arguing knew not to push his opinion any further. Last night was the first time I have witnessed any tension in my dorm and thankfully it subsided very quickly. My placement into the dorm has worked out very well so far.
Even though it was a non-work evening, I still turned in by 10:30 pm and was fast asleep in a matter of minutes. Of course I woke up at 5:00 am like clockwork but stayed in my bunk for another hour before getting up. When I finally did get out of my bunk I looked out the window and saw it was going to be a dreary day. The weather called for rain all weekend with high winds and it appeared they were correct. It did rain overnight and the ground was wet. It wasn’t raining as I walked to breakfast. My normal breakfast partner departed for fire camp two days ago and now I found a seat by myself but the table never stays empty because someone always sits with me. This morning was no exception and one of the inmates that I am friendly with and who is also part of the PFT class came over and sat with me. This was a very nice gesture because he was almost done with his breakfast. Even though I may not readily sit with other inmates, I am always able to trade away my food without fail. All I look for in return is hot cereal. Today I traded away the hard boiled egg – YUK! – and the French toast for hot cereal. That always seems to satisfy my hunger and this morning I added some peanut butter to make it more filling. Breakfast was over and I walked back to my dorm with the person who sat next to me at breakfast. As we walked back, he kept asking me questions about the test in PFT class. I answered all his questions. Incidentally the test is on Wednesday. He wanted to know if I was coming out this afternoon when the yard opens. I told him I am and he asked me to help him with some of the exercises on the test. I told him I would be happy to and we made arrangements to meet in the afternoon. Meanwhile I went back to the dorm and had the entire morning to write letters.
I started out the morning taking off my “blues” which are required when I go to breakfast on the weekend. I put on a pair of workout shorts and a sweatshirt. As I was putting on the shirt I noticed a funky smell. I took the sweatshirt off and smelled the inside only to realize this sweatshirt was indeed “Smell Funky”. It looks like I forgot to wash it with my weekly laundry. I immediately went into the bathroom to wash it. I had my bar of soap but I added a dash of aloe and lanolin body wash to really wash out the funky smell. I didn’t realize how bad an unwashed garment could get until I smelled this sweatshirt! I guess I am getting used to washing my clothes in the sink and it certainly beats having clothes that stink. After washing the sweatshirt I decided to read the most recent issue of Time for about 30 minutes. While I was reading it, I realized I am really not missing much on the events of the foreign policy. Nothing seems to have changed in the past five months. It look like things are about to change in Iraq but I wonder whether it really will.
I proceeded to put the magazine down and write one letter. I guess I write slowly because it took me an hour and a half and I still wasn’t finished. At this point the CO came into the dorm and called my name. He told me I needed to go to R&R to pick up a package. I knew what was in the package because one of the clerks on the yard told me unofficially yesterday that my “replacement” package had arrived. My mother continues to amaze me because she was able to send me another pair of running shoes in a bigger size. She did a great deal of leg work to get me these sneakers and in the process she was assisted by a very hospitable sergeant. I went directly over to R&R and received my new shoes without waiting and without any issues. Unfortunately, this very hospitable sergeant was not on duty today so I could not thank him. I do owe him much gratitude in allowing this to happen. I will make it a point to seek him out and thank him personally.
I returned from R&R and immediately tried on my new shoes. They fit so much better than the previous pair and it looks like the toenail on my big toe has been saved. Also, for some reason, these running shoes appear more durable even though they are the same ones just in a different size. I guess all the miles I put on the other ones really wore them down. I suspect the same thing will happen to this new pair but I will enjoy the newness for as long as it lasts. I was happy to receive these new running shoes today because I was wondering if I should run or do the Harvard Wall. The sky was still very dreary and the winds were whipping around but there was no rain. Normally I don’t like to run when it is windy but today I really wanted to break in my new running shoes so I decided to run a few miles.
The afternoon yard opened up and I met with the person I had breakfast with so I could help him with the exercises in the PFT class. I helped him for about 20 minutes and I felt as if it were during the week. I was encouraging him the entire time. This inmate has not worked out much in his almost 40 years of existence, but I must say he was truly trying his hardest. I hope he passes the class and I also tried my best to help him. He was able to do all the exercises which are on the test. When he completed those exercises the look of joy on his face was priceless. It was very good helping him and normally I would have been more concerned with my run and getting my miles in but I would forego my entire workout seeing the look of genuine pride on his face as he completed these exercises. After he finished, we talked for a few minutes but the wind was blowing hard and as usual I became cold. He noticed me shivering and told me to get on with my run. I would have stayed and talked longer but I needed to move so I could warm my body up.
I embarked on my run with my new running shoes. They felt good on my feet but the wind was blowing at 30 miles an hour. At one point on the track I felt like I was running backwards. After the second mile I felt footsteps behind me which is not unusual. Very rarely does someone pass me while I am running and if they do they usually stop running in a half a lap later. When I heard the footsteps, I instinctively sped up and decided to see how long it would take for this person to either pass me or stop running. Well these footsteps stayed behind me for the next 2 miles as O continued to increase my speed. The first 2 miles took 16 minutes, the next took less than 14 minutes even into the wind. Finally after those 2 miles the footsteps stopped. I decided to do one more mile because I felt an odd feeling in my left buttock. I finished the 5 miles in a rather brisk pace but I had this odd feeling in my butt. It didn’t feel like I pulled anything but it was still uncomfortable. I have to remember I am not a young man anymore and I am susceptible to injury.
I was doing some stretches after the run to work out this odd sensation. As I was doing the stretches, I heard someone call out coach. I turned back and one of my fellow inmates was addressing me as “Coach”. This inmate came up to me and told me he was the footsteps behind me as I was running. This is the same inmate who I spoke with about two weeks ago regarding increasing his speed while running. He wanted to know how fast we were running when he was behind me. I told him 7 minute miles and he seemed quite pleased. I didn’t tell him about my possible injury – I do have some pride – but I told him he was doing great. He was very proud to be noticed and I encouraged him to keep going. Hopefully, he does continue because he seems to be enjoying his running. Shortly after my stretching session and this conversation I met up with the person I helped earlier in the afternoon. We worked on more exercises and I told him I would help him tomorrow morning. Even though I didn’t do my usual 10 plus miles today my day went by so fast and it was very rewarding.
I received some pictures from my father who was visiting NJ during the Thanksgiving Holiday. As I receive each picture, I keep noticing more and more things about my children. Of course they are still adorable and will always be in my eyes. My son’s face looks like it is becoming more defined and he is losing the roundness of his baby years. My daughter’s hair is getting so long and she is getting more beautiful. Next summer can no come fast enough because this is when I will get to see them. Presumably if all goes well on my medical tests I should be transferred to a fire camp in March or April. This way – come July or August, my family can come to visit me. From what I have been told, most of the fire camps are much less ominous than the prison. A visit to the will seem like camping in the mountains to my children. I know the visit will be brief but one hug from them and it will be well worth it.
I forgot to mention that I received my timesheet for the month of November. Apparently payroll is done on a monthly basis. I started my position on the 14th of November and worked throughout the rest of the month. I didn’t work on Thanksgiving Day and the day after because they were scheduled holidays. I worked roughly half the month and grossed $9.10 – WOW! Remember this is the gross amount and 40% of it will go to restitution, leaving me with $5.46 in my inmate trust account. As I mentioned previously, the fact that I have something productive and constructive to do from Monday thru Friday is pay enough for me. Many other inmates are without a job of any type. I was very fortunate to secure this position and I am very grateful. Making 11 cents an hour certainly doesn’t bother me. I used to make a heck of a lot more than this but those jobs were nowhere near as rewarding as this one. Obviously, when my time is served I will not be able to provide for my family making 11 cents an hour, but whatever position I am able to obtain, I do hope it will be rewarding.
Yesterday afternoon marked the end of all the PFT classes. Due to the fact that I performed one of the rotations during the morning class, my role was limited. I was debating whether or not to exercise in this class but I decided on being an instructor during the class for the first time. This meant I would walk around where the students do their exercises and encourage them and show them the proper techniques. While I was doing this, it dawned on me how physically demanding this class really is. Only the three instructors in front of the class were able to perform all the required exercises while all the students had to stop at one point or another. This class is truly no joke. We did have two participants try to pass the instructor test during the class but they gave up during the first rotation. I must admit I am impressed with the fitness level of my fellow instructors. From the youngest of 22 – to the oldest of – 57 all of them are in great shape and gave me a new level of appreciation for my fellow inmates. The class had ended and I didn’t believe any further exercise was needed. My old bones were telling me to rest and I listened. It was time to head back to the dorm for a shower. Also, due to the fact yesterday was Friday and I needed to do my weekly laundry.
I was able to do my laundry and have my 1000th peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch and take a shower all before going to dinner. My hunger seemed to diminish yesterday afternoon after I had lunch, finished the baked potato chips, two graham crackers and two granola bars. I wasn’t famished after eating all of this food. It was now time for dinner and somehow a double helping of mashed potatoes is considered a protein because I didn’t receive the usual two tubes of peanut butter. I inquired about that because there weren’t any beans on the tray nor any discernible proteins. However, according to the kitchen supervisor, I didn’t receive the peanut butter because I received a second helping of the mashed potatoes. I didn’t argue and just said thank you. There are some nights like last night when I just shake my head in disbelief because the vegetarian diet given to me and other inmates like myself is not exactly well-balanced but as of right now, I am not going to subject my body to the meats which are served here. Last night the main entrée was turkey and every piece I saw was a not solovely shade of gray and even when I ate turkey, I couldn’t bring myself to eat what was served last night. Anyhow, I ate the mashed potatoes, broccoli, and salad. Surprisingly enough I was done eating for the evening because I was full.
I spent all of last night writing letters. Normally I would have saved them for today but I wanted to save a very special long letter for today which I did. I was able to compose four letters last night and by the time I finished it was past 10:00 pm. It was a great way to spend a Friday night (really). While I was sitting on my bunk writing, there was a brief verbal altercation with a few of the dorm mates over the television schedule for the evening. One of my dorm mates thought wrestling was part of the agreed upon schedule but somehow his wrestling program was overrode. “Fake Wrestling” is very big in a place like this. I listened to him almost break down in tears because he couldn’t watch wrestling. Finally, after 15 minutes he gave up his fight and accepted the program schedule without wrestling. It is apparent all fights in a place like this are over something stupid. I’m glad the episode last night over the TV schedule did not escalate any further. Most of the dorm mates are level headed and even the dorm mate arguing knew not to push his opinion any further. Last night was the first time I have witnessed any tension in my dorm and thankfully it subsided very quickly. My placement into the dorm has worked out very well so far.
Even though it was a non-work evening, I still turned in by 10:30 pm and was fast asleep in a matter of minutes. Of course I woke up at 5:00 am like clockwork but stayed in my bunk for another hour before getting up. When I finally did get out of my bunk I looked out the window and saw it was going to be a dreary day. The weather called for rain all weekend with high winds and it appeared they were correct. It did rain overnight and the ground was wet. It wasn’t raining as I walked to breakfast. My normal breakfast partner departed for fire camp two days ago and now I found a seat by myself but the table never stays empty because someone always sits with me. This morning was no exception and one of the inmates that I am friendly with and who is also part of the PFT class came over and sat with me. This was a very nice gesture because he was almost done with his breakfast. Even though I may not readily sit with other inmates, I am always able to trade away my food without fail. All I look for in return is hot cereal. Today I traded away the hard boiled egg – YUK! – and the French toast for hot cereal. That always seems to satisfy my hunger and this morning I added some peanut butter to make it more filling. Breakfast was over and I walked back to my dorm with the person who sat next to me at breakfast. As we walked back, he kept asking me questions about the test in PFT class. I answered all his questions. Incidentally the test is on Wednesday. He wanted to know if I was coming out this afternoon when the yard opens. I told him I am and he asked me to help him with some of the exercises on the test. I told him I would be happy to and we made arrangements to meet in the afternoon. Meanwhile I went back to the dorm and had the entire morning to write letters.
I started out the morning taking off my “blues” which are required when I go to breakfast on the weekend. I put on a pair of workout shorts and a sweatshirt. As I was putting on the shirt I noticed a funky smell. I took the sweatshirt off and smelled the inside only to realize this sweatshirt was indeed “Smell Funky”. It looks like I forgot to wash it with my weekly laundry. I immediately went into the bathroom to wash it. I had my bar of soap but I added a dash of aloe and lanolin body wash to really wash out the funky smell. I didn’t realize how bad an unwashed garment could get until I smelled this sweatshirt! I guess I am getting used to washing my clothes in the sink and it certainly beats having clothes that stink. After washing the sweatshirt I decided to read the most recent issue of Time for about 30 minutes. While I was reading it, I realized I am really not missing much on the events of the foreign policy. Nothing seems to have changed in the past five months. It look like things are about to change in Iraq but I wonder whether it really will.
I proceeded to put the magazine down and write one letter. I guess I write slowly because it took me an hour and a half and I still wasn’t finished. At this point the CO came into the dorm and called my name. He told me I needed to go to R&R to pick up a package. I knew what was in the package because one of the clerks on the yard told me unofficially yesterday that my “replacement” package had arrived. My mother continues to amaze me because she was able to send me another pair of running shoes in a bigger size. She did a great deal of leg work to get me these sneakers and in the process she was assisted by a very hospitable sergeant. I went directly over to R&R and received my new shoes without waiting and without any issues. Unfortunately, this very hospitable sergeant was not on duty today so I could not thank him. I do owe him much gratitude in allowing this to happen. I will make it a point to seek him out and thank him personally.
I returned from R&R and immediately tried on my new shoes. They fit so much better than the previous pair and it looks like the toenail on my big toe has been saved. Also, for some reason, these running shoes appear more durable even though they are the same ones just in a different size. I guess all the miles I put on the other ones really wore them down. I suspect the same thing will happen to this new pair but I will enjoy the newness for as long as it lasts. I was happy to receive these new running shoes today because I was wondering if I should run or do the Harvard Wall. The sky was still very dreary and the winds were whipping around but there was no rain. Normally I don’t like to run when it is windy but today I really wanted to break in my new running shoes so I decided to run a few miles.
The afternoon yard opened up and I met with the person I had breakfast with so I could help him with the exercises in the PFT class. I helped him for about 20 minutes and I felt as if it were during the week. I was encouraging him the entire time. This inmate has not worked out much in his almost 40 years of existence, but I must say he was truly trying his hardest. I hope he passes the class and I also tried my best to help him. He was able to do all the exercises which are on the test. When he completed those exercises the look of joy on his face was priceless. It was very good helping him and normally I would have been more concerned with my run and getting my miles in but I would forego my entire workout seeing the look of genuine pride on his face as he completed these exercises. After he finished, we talked for a few minutes but the wind was blowing hard and as usual I became cold. He noticed me shivering and told me to get on with my run. I would have stayed and talked longer but I needed to move so I could warm my body up.
I embarked on my run with my new running shoes. They felt good on my feet but the wind was blowing at 30 miles an hour. At one point on the track I felt like I was running backwards. After the second mile I felt footsteps behind me which is not unusual. Very rarely does someone pass me while I am running and if they do they usually stop running in a half a lap later. When I heard the footsteps, I instinctively sped up and decided to see how long it would take for this person to either pass me or stop running. Well these footsteps stayed behind me for the next 2 miles as O continued to increase my speed. The first 2 miles took 16 minutes, the next took less than 14 minutes even into the wind. Finally after those 2 miles the footsteps stopped. I decided to do one more mile because I felt an odd feeling in my left buttock. I finished the 5 miles in a rather brisk pace but I had this odd feeling in my butt. It didn’t feel like I pulled anything but it was still uncomfortable. I have to remember I am not a young man anymore and I am susceptible to injury.
I was doing some stretches after the run to work out this odd sensation. As I was doing the stretches, I heard someone call out coach. I turned back and one of my fellow inmates was addressing me as “Coach”. This inmate came up to me and told me he was the footsteps behind me as I was running. This is the same inmate who I spoke with about two weeks ago regarding increasing his speed while running. He wanted to know how fast we were running when he was behind me. I told him 7 minute miles and he seemed quite pleased. I didn’t tell him about my possible injury – I do have some pride – but I told him he was doing great. He was very proud to be noticed and I encouraged him to keep going. Hopefully, he does continue because he seems to be enjoying his running. Shortly after my stretching session and this conversation I met up with the person I helped earlier in the afternoon. We worked on more exercises and I told him I would help him tomorrow morning. Even though I didn’t do my usual 10 plus miles today my day went by so fast and it was very rewarding.
Friday, December 08, 2006
The One Meal
When I came back early from the yard, I was debating whether or not I should have my daily peanut butter and jam sandwich because last night at dinner was the one meal I could eat without modification. Yes, it was time once again for the pizza and pasta in a marinara sauce dinner. The pizza is listed as vegetarian pizza on the menu which I guess separates it from non-vegetarian pizza? As I was debating whether or not to save my hunger for dinner, I just couldn’t. Once again I was too hungry to wait so I decided to make a PB & J sandwich knowing full well I would still be hungry for dinner because lately I am always hungry. I’m beginning to wonder if I have a tapeworm inside my stomach! Eating to live seems to reach a new level each day. Not only did I have the PB & J sandwich I ate another granola bar and had some baked potato chips. Two hours later, one hour before dinner, I was hungry once again. Incidentally, I asked a couple of the other instructors about my hunger issue and each of them reported the same condition. It seems none of us can get enough to eat. A few weeks ago, the Medical Staff discontinued the protein supplements for the instructors who were receiving this. One protein supplement is the equivalent of 500 calories and the instructors receiving this were taking two per day and not gaining any weight. I don’t know the reason why these supplements were stopped and I was hoping to see the doctor soon so I could start my own supplement. In the next week or two I should be able to see the doctor and hopefully I will get some clarification of my own protein supplement. In the meantime I will most likely continue to be hungry.
It was time for my favorite dinner. I didn’t have to request my vegetarian meal and went straight to the window to receive a regular tray. Much to my surprise, included with the pizza and pasta marinara was black-eyed peas – probably left over from last night’s supper. These were all my favorites on one tray! Of course, being my favorite in here is far from being my favorite in the outside world – thus it is all relative. The slice of pizza was oversized and had no taste. The pasta in the marinara sauce was overcooked but it did have small slices of green peppers and tasted fairly decent. The black-eyed peas were the same as the other night and I was able to receive two extra helpings from my dorm mates sitting at the table. I did have to trade away the strawberry cake to receive one of the extra helpings but I wasn’t going to eat the cake anyway. I ate everything on my tray and I was still hungry! Now I am beginning to think this hunger issue maybe mental if it were not for the hunger pains. I did snack on some tortilla chips when I got back from the dorm.
While I was snacking on the tortilla chips, I finished CAT AND MOUSE by James Patterson. I may have reached a saturation point with Patterson because this novel had such promise at the halfway mark but fizzled out at the end. This novel like all his others I have read moved very fast. It may have moved too fast because there were points I needed further explanation but did not receive it. All in all I was somewhat disappointed with this book. I have one more Patterson novel which I will read but after that one I will give him a rest. I need to expand my literary horizons and will try after I finish the next novel.
This morning – Friday – marked the end of my workweek. I woke up at 5:00 am and decided to get out of my bunk at this time. I was finished sleeping and wanted to watch the morning news until it was time to depart for the early breakfast. My decision to wake up was predicated on watching a different network news from the five o’clock hour to six. This really sounds sad but it was my reason for getting up early. I watched the news and was unimpressed even though it was a major network –NBC – as opposed to the newscast which comes on at 6:00 am. I think being raised in the NYC area has spoiled me when it comes to local news broadcasts. Also spending considerable time in the Washington DC and Los Angeles areas had also spoiled me. Even when I spent 8 years in Las Vegas, their news broadcast seemed very non-professional and low budget. This is exactly how the Sacramento news broadcast appear to be – second rate – where big news is a cat caught in a tree – no, this is not a joke – Nevertheless the 6:00 am broadcast at the CW Network was much better than the 5:00 am NBC broadcast and I didn’t gain anything by waking up at an earlier time. Thankfully, the early breakfast unlock came and I proceeded to the dining hall. Once again it was the regular dining hall and it appears those two days earlier this week were the exception where I attended the other dining hall.
The breakfast this morning consisted of a fruit Danish, oatmeal, a peanut butter packet, banana, apple juice, and non-fat milk. I quickly gave away the Danish for some oatmeal. Once again I sat with my dorm mates who are in the PFT class and all of them are aware of my peculiar eating habits. One of them is always asking me questions as to why I don’t eat certain things. This morning he asked me why I wouldn’t eat the Danish and I talked about the high sugar content. He listened but as he listened he happily took my Danish. Once again I am very perplexed as to why we receive items like the Danish, coffee cake, and cinnamon rolls for breakfast – although the cinnamon rolls are made of whole grains so it isn’t that bad. Sure I am perplexed but in the grand scheme of my life what does it really matter. I am still able to eat somewhat healthy concentrating on the hot cereals and fruit. As long as I receive the cereals and fruit I will be fine. Yes, I will continue to be hungry but I need to learn how to deal with this better, otherwise I will go crazy thinking about hungry I am. As long as I can maintain my strength and endurance I will be fine and as long as I don’t get sick. I am getting enough food even though I am hungry all the time. Somewhere along the line I will be able to purchase filler foods such as rice and beans, and everything will be okay so if a good wind does come along I won’t blow away!
The drill was the same as it has been all week with the PFT class starting early. I had my concerns about the class starting early because I had a 10:45 am telephone call scheduled. I was half expecting something to go wrong so I would be prevented from making the it. Everything was going along smoothly with the class. I am feeling very comfortable with my role and I do enjoy what I am doing. Once again I had the back pace and I think I enjoy this better than the front pace because I have more interaction with the students. If they fall behind me they know they could possibly pass the test so I am always encouraging them to speed up. There is one student in particular who has been at the back of the pace near me all week. He is in his mid 50’s and is really trying hard. Invariably, he will start in the middle of the pack and fall to the back near me. I will tell him he needs to speed up and does but a few seconds later he starts falling back once again. The pattern goes on for all 12 laps. Unfortunately, for him today he did fall behind me only to speed up but to fall behind again. He was telling me about pains in his lower legs and all I could do was encourage him. The good thing about the coach is he is aware of all the students in the class. He knows who is really trying and who is not. I do know he knows this particular inmate is really trying. I’m not sure if this student will pass the physical examination but he will certainly try his best. I’m not sure if I mentioned this and if I have please forgive my senility. On Tuesday we had a student pass out during the PFT class and had to be removed in a wheel chair. The student arrived with me from the reception center over a month ago. We are the same age. During the power walk, he felt his left arm go numb and decided to sit down on the bench. While he was talking to the coach, he blacked out and was escorted to medical in the wheelchair. It was serious enough for him to be transferred to a local hospital for the last two days. I am happy to report those tests came back negative and he is back here. Obviously, he is no longer part of the PFT class. The fascinating part is presumably this inmate had as EKG just like I did, but apparently he was cleared on his, while I need further tests. Maybe all candidates who are over 40 should not only undergo an EKG but also a stress test. This may eliminate events like this taking place. By the way, I am still awaiting my stress test and echo results in order to receive my fire camp clearance. Yet I continue to feel very good and log many miles.
Just like yesterday, I was pulled out of the regular PFT class to do the PFT Plus class. This being Friday means it is the most difficult class of the week. Also, we had three people testing for an instructor position. Due to this fact we had three different instructors do the three rotations. I had the third which is the final rotation. This rotation has the most exercises in it and usually makes or breaks the person taking the test. The coach didn’t want the three instructors to do any of the rotations other than the one we were assigned. He wanted everyone as fresh as possible to ensure the test was as tough as possible. Normally, I would want to do all three rotations as a test for myself but I understand the coach’s philosophy. I waited until the third rotation so I was indeed fresh. I had an exceptionally good rotation with very minimal downtime and also my form on the exercises was very good. At the end of my rotation, the lead instructor – the one who is departing – came over to me with a big smile on his face and told me he really liked how I performed the rotation. It certainly has been a good week with a great deal of good feedback.
Once the class ended, the coach had our post-class meeting with the instructors. He does like to talk and I had a watchful eye on the clock so I could make my 10:45 am telephone call. The coach talked about the intrinsic rewards of both his and our positions. He said, “I can draw a salary anywhere but when I make a difference in a person’s (inmate’s) life it is all worth it.” He was talking about how happy most of the inmates are when they pass his PFT class. He noticed wholesale changes in inmates when they started the PFT class to when they finished. He has seen the looks of joy on the inmates faces as they receive their certificate of completion. He also spoke of how so many instructors have offered that little word of encouragement which pushed the student that much further in the class. He is correct because in my very brief time associated with this program I have noticed these things as well. I have also been stopped by fellow inmates who ask me questions about exercise and the PFT class. I had one inmate who I have never seen before stop me and we talked about the class and running. He went on to tell me I was an “inspiration” to him because we are both the same age and he sees me out on the yard running and exercising everyday. As I mentioned this inmate was a perfect stranger to me and is of a different race. Of course hearing I was an “inspiration” made me feel good but the best part was when he said this I could feel some of those archaic prison / inmate rules crumbling right before my very own eyes. Everything does happen for a reason and I am finally realizing what God’s plan is for me. Sure I do miss my family and I am certainly not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life, but I do know as long as I work my recovery to the best of my ability, I will be with my family and in exactly the right place.
It was time for my favorite dinner. I didn’t have to request my vegetarian meal and went straight to the window to receive a regular tray. Much to my surprise, included with the pizza and pasta marinara was black-eyed peas – probably left over from last night’s supper. These were all my favorites on one tray! Of course, being my favorite in here is far from being my favorite in the outside world – thus it is all relative. The slice of pizza was oversized and had no taste. The pasta in the marinara sauce was overcooked but it did have small slices of green peppers and tasted fairly decent. The black-eyed peas were the same as the other night and I was able to receive two extra helpings from my dorm mates sitting at the table. I did have to trade away the strawberry cake to receive one of the extra helpings but I wasn’t going to eat the cake anyway. I ate everything on my tray and I was still hungry! Now I am beginning to think this hunger issue maybe mental if it were not for the hunger pains. I did snack on some tortilla chips when I got back from the dorm.
While I was snacking on the tortilla chips, I finished CAT AND MOUSE by James Patterson. I may have reached a saturation point with Patterson because this novel had such promise at the halfway mark but fizzled out at the end. This novel like all his others I have read moved very fast. It may have moved too fast because there were points I needed further explanation but did not receive it. All in all I was somewhat disappointed with this book. I have one more Patterson novel which I will read but after that one I will give him a rest. I need to expand my literary horizons and will try after I finish the next novel.
This morning – Friday – marked the end of my workweek. I woke up at 5:00 am and decided to get out of my bunk at this time. I was finished sleeping and wanted to watch the morning news until it was time to depart for the early breakfast. My decision to wake up was predicated on watching a different network news from the five o’clock hour to six. This really sounds sad but it was my reason for getting up early. I watched the news and was unimpressed even though it was a major network –NBC – as opposed to the newscast which comes on at 6:00 am. I think being raised in the NYC area has spoiled me when it comes to local news broadcasts. Also spending considerable time in the Washington DC and Los Angeles areas had also spoiled me. Even when I spent 8 years in Las Vegas, their news broadcast seemed very non-professional and low budget. This is exactly how the Sacramento news broadcast appear to be – second rate – where big news is a cat caught in a tree – no, this is not a joke – Nevertheless the 6:00 am broadcast at the CW Network was much better than the 5:00 am NBC broadcast and I didn’t gain anything by waking up at an earlier time. Thankfully, the early breakfast unlock came and I proceeded to the dining hall. Once again it was the regular dining hall and it appears those two days earlier this week were the exception where I attended the other dining hall.
The breakfast this morning consisted of a fruit Danish, oatmeal, a peanut butter packet, banana, apple juice, and non-fat milk. I quickly gave away the Danish for some oatmeal. Once again I sat with my dorm mates who are in the PFT class and all of them are aware of my peculiar eating habits. One of them is always asking me questions as to why I don’t eat certain things. This morning he asked me why I wouldn’t eat the Danish and I talked about the high sugar content. He listened but as he listened he happily took my Danish. Once again I am very perplexed as to why we receive items like the Danish, coffee cake, and cinnamon rolls for breakfast – although the cinnamon rolls are made of whole grains so it isn’t that bad. Sure I am perplexed but in the grand scheme of my life what does it really matter. I am still able to eat somewhat healthy concentrating on the hot cereals and fruit. As long as I receive the cereals and fruit I will be fine. Yes, I will continue to be hungry but I need to learn how to deal with this better, otherwise I will go crazy thinking about hungry I am. As long as I can maintain my strength and endurance I will be fine and as long as I don’t get sick. I am getting enough food even though I am hungry all the time. Somewhere along the line I will be able to purchase filler foods such as rice and beans, and everything will be okay so if a good wind does come along I won’t blow away!
The drill was the same as it has been all week with the PFT class starting early. I had my concerns about the class starting early because I had a 10:45 am telephone call scheduled. I was half expecting something to go wrong so I would be prevented from making the it. Everything was going along smoothly with the class. I am feeling very comfortable with my role and I do enjoy what I am doing. Once again I had the back pace and I think I enjoy this better than the front pace because I have more interaction with the students. If they fall behind me they know they could possibly pass the test so I am always encouraging them to speed up. There is one student in particular who has been at the back of the pace near me all week. He is in his mid 50’s and is really trying hard. Invariably, he will start in the middle of the pack and fall to the back near me. I will tell him he needs to speed up and does but a few seconds later he starts falling back once again. The pattern goes on for all 12 laps. Unfortunately, for him today he did fall behind me only to speed up but to fall behind again. He was telling me about pains in his lower legs and all I could do was encourage him. The good thing about the coach is he is aware of all the students in the class. He knows who is really trying and who is not. I do know he knows this particular inmate is really trying. I’m not sure if this student will pass the physical examination but he will certainly try his best. I’m not sure if I mentioned this and if I have please forgive my senility. On Tuesday we had a student pass out during the PFT class and had to be removed in a wheel chair. The student arrived with me from the reception center over a month ago. We are the same age. During the power walk, he felt his left arm go numb and decided to sit down on the bench. While he was talking to the coach, he blacked out and was escorted to medical in the wheelchair. It was serious enough for him to be transferred to a local hospital for the last two days. I am happy to report those tests came back negative and he is back here. Obviously, he is no longer part of the PFT class. The fascinating part is presumably this inmate had as EKG just like I did, but apparently he was cleared on his, while I need further tests. Maybe all candidates who are over 40 should not only undergo an EKG but also a stress test. This may eliminate events like this taking place. By the way, I am still awaiting my stress test and echo results in order to receive my fire camp clearance. Yet I continue to feel very good and log many miles.
Just like yesterday, I was pulled out of the regular PFT class to do the PFT Plus class. This being Friday means it is the most difficult class of the week. Also, we had three people testing for an instructor position. Due to this fact we had three different instructors do the three rotations. I had the third which is the final rotation. This rotation has the most exercises in it and usually makes or breaks the person taking the test. The coach didn’t want the three instructors to do any of the rotations other than the one we were assigned. He wanted everyone as fresh as possible to ensure the test was as tough as possible. Normally, I would want to do all three rotations as a test for myself but I understand the coach’s philosophy. I waited until the third rotation so I was indeed fresh. I had an exceptionally good rotation with very minimal downtime and also my form on the exercises was very good. At the end of my rotation, the lead instructor – the one who is departing – came over to me with a big smile on his face and told me he really liked how I performed the rotation. It certainly has been a good week with a great deal of good feedback.
Once the class ended, the coach had our post-class meeting with the instructors. He does like to talk and I had a watchful eye on the clock so I could make my 10:45 am telephone call. The coach talked about the intrinsic rewards of both his and our positions. He said, “I can draw a salary anywhere but when I make a difference in a person’s (inmate’s) life it is all worth it.” He was talking about how happy most of the inmates are when they pass his PFT class. He noticed wholesale changes in inmates when they started the PFT class to when they finished. He has seen the looks of joy on the inmates faces as they receive their certificate of completion. He also spoke of how so many instructors have offered that little word of encouragement which pushed the student that much further in the class. He is correct because in my very brief time associated with this program I have noticed these things as well. I have also been stopped by fellow inmates who ask me questions about exercise and the PFT class. I had one inmate who I have never seen before stop me and we talked about the class and running. He went on to tell me I was an “inspiration” to him because we are both the same age and he sees me out on the yard running and exercising everyday. As I mentioned this inmate was a perfect stranger to me and is of a different race. Of course hearing I was an “inspiration” made me feel good but the best part was when he said this I could feel some of those archaic prison / inmate rules crumbling right before my very own eyes. Everything does happen for a reason and I am finally realizing what God’s plan is for me. Sure I do miss my family and I am certainly not where I thought I would be at this stage in my life, but I do know as long as I work my recovery to the best of my ability, I will be with my family and in exactly the right place.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Oh, Those Young People!
In the afternoon yesterday, the regular PFT class was instructed by the coach to attend the PFT Plus class. In the short time I have been an instructor, this is the first time I have witnessed the regular PFT class having had to come out in the afternoon after finishing all their exercises. I on the other hand was looking forward to it because most of the instructors participate with the students by doing all the required exercises. The coach had a short meeting prior to the mandatory PFT Plus class and he stressed the importance of finishing each exercise in the allotted time frame. I need to explain the Wednesday class. It’s a circuit class – one circuit will have the burpees another – push ups – another crunches – another jumping jacks – another mountain climbers. Due to the large size of the class, we had 8 circuits of doubles. Each circuit last for 30 seconds and we are required to do as many repetitions of whatever circuit we are in, in the 30 second time frame. Then the students rotate in a clockwise direction to the next circuit while the instructors rotate in the opposite direction. There is about a 5 second interval from one circuit to another. Normally we do three rotations but yesterday we did four. It is a very fast pace intense workout. The coach did not want an Instructor to start a particular exercise and not be able to finish. This would be very bad and would give the students ammunition toward the instructor. I took his comments as personal pep talk and couldn’t wait to get going on the exercise. The only circuit which is very physically demanding for me are the pushups on the third or fourth rotation because they are performed without stopping. During all the other classes, pushups are performed in sets of 10 but not during this class.
We warmed up with two laps and then started the circuit training. I started on the pushup rotation because I thought it would be easier for me to start this exercise when I was fresh. I was right and had no problem doing 25 proper pushups. In my opinion, pushups are performed improperly most of the time by many of the students and also inmates who are working out in the yard. Most of the time the students do half pushups and never keep their bodies steady. When done properly, pushups are very demanding in the 30 seconds. Then I moved to the next station which is mountain climbers without any problems. I moved through the entire circuit and by the time I was on my third rotation, I noticed many of the students struggling with certain exercises. They were winded and tired. The coach threw a monkey wrench into the circuit training by taking one group out and having them jog one lap. Half way through my third circuit I got to a station with no students and I noticed the coach was motioning me to come to him. I went over and he told me to take a group of students on a one lap jog. I frantically ran to retrieve my stop watch because timing is everything with the coach and when I got back I took the group of students on the one lap jog. The coach wanted to time the jog so my group got back to the soon to be empty burpee circuit. As luck would have it I ended the jog just as the station became opened; the timing could not have been better. It was interesting because as I was doing the jog with the students they were all asking me when we would get a break. My response to them was, “This is your break so please catch up on your wind now before we get back.” The jog was at a very slow pace – 4 minutes per lap and wasn’t taking care of the students. When the class was over the coach told the class that the jog was their rest period and interestingly enough the coach and I never discussed this prior to his mentioning it. I guess I still can think for myself. I was very proud to be a part of the PFT Plus class because it went very well and all of the instructors did what was asked of them. This does give us credibility with the students and it does help to inspire them to continue on.
It was a very good afternoon and the coach was very pleased with how things went. I was also very pleased and the lead instructor – the one who is leaving – came up to me after the class and told me he was very impressed that I did all the exercises. Yes, it is another ego-boosting moment and I am sure some of this is going straight to my big head but it certainly does make me feel good and some did notice. Hopefully, I won’t puff up my scrawny chest and think I am something which I am not. In everyway imaginable I could not have asked for a better job in a place like this. After the class I decided not to push myself any further because I had already logged 9 miles for the day. I am not getting any younger and my obsessive personality does not lend me to possibly over-train this causing injury. I must constantly listen to my body not to injure myself and so far – knock on wood – it is working out fine.
No matter where I am whether it is in here or on the outside world the best part of my day is taking a shower after a great strenuous workout. Sure the shower is not exactly hot here but it will do especially after this workout. I also used my new razor once again and I discovered a new type of shaving cream. As I have mentioned before I don’t have any shaving cream and I have used soap, shampoo, and body lotion. Now I can add another category conditioner. Conditioner probably works the best – other than shaving cream – because I did receive a very good shave without any razor burn and not to mention I really like the smell of coconut. It was a satisfying day and the rest of the time I wrote. I wanted to stay on top of my writing and not wait for the weekend because this further delays the delivery of the letter. One letter was to someone who may possibly visit me next week. Normally a visiting form takes 30 days to process, but this person’s form was processed in 8 days. I was very impressed and needed to send a letter letting the person know. I was able to write all my letters and get them out in the mail so they don’t go out by the weekend. I stayed up past my bedtime in order to finish these but it was well worth it.
I need to take a step back and mention a dream I had the other night. Each night I have at least one dream and most times two and three. However, rarely do I remember them. However, the other night I remembered my dreams because it was about my son. This was a very vivid dream and the only thing I can remember is hugging him for a very long time. As I continued to hug him, he said to me, “Don’t worry daddy, everything will be alright.” Then I continued to hug him some more. I didn’t want to wake up because I could feel my son as if he were right there with me. Eventually, I woke up with a very broad smile on my face. Everything will be alright and I will be with my family very soon.
The dinner last night was some sort of beef stew over rice and for me it was one of those bad nights. I didn’t receive any extra helping of rice or mixed vegetables. I just received the requisite two tubes of peanut butter. Needless to say I was still very hungry after dinner. I broke in to one of the two soups I have remaining. Hopefully, next week I will finally be able to go to the store because I believe money from the reception center has finally been transferred here. I did include some fresh carrots with the soup and I also added some of my new Cajun seasoning. The soup tasted better and packed more of a spice but now I have to use my one remaining soup carefully over the next week. Even after finishing the soup with some baked potato chips, I was still hungry. I don’t know what has gotten into me over the past few days, but lately I have been famished. I have added the granola bars and fruit to my daily diet but maybe all the physical activity is making me even more hungry. Whatever the case, I sure do hope I can add some more food to my locker in the coming week when I will hopefully have an opportunity to go to the store. I have known what I would like to purchase for well over a month. Once I get to the store I shouldn’t have any starving issues.
This morning was once again more of the same of the previous three days of going to an early breakfast. Just like yesterday, I was able to attend the regular dining hall and the lunch was peanut butter and jam for everyone so there could not have been any anti-vegetarian comments. The breakfast was the one breakfast where I need to request the vegetarian meal because the main entrée was cream beef. The inmate I know from the PFT Plus class was working the front of the food service line and he certainly took care of me. I received the two tubes of peanut butter but I also received more roasted potatoes and an additional apple juice. Unfortunately, both of my apple juices were semi-frozen and drinking two containers was equivalent to drinking one. I certainly had enough to eat at breakfast because of all the physical activity I did in both the PFT and PFT Plus class I didn’t feel hungry until later this afternoon.
Shortly after breakfast the regular PFT class started and it was more of the same. Sometimes sameness can get boring, but for me in a place like this the sameness is a welcome relief because I am very active during this “sameness” everyday. This beats the alternative of sitting around day after day and I will take the sameness for the remainder of my term. Part of this sameness is losing my voice. I have got to learn to stop using my throat to call out the cadences and start using my chest. I noticed yesterday my voice wavering and while I was calling out the cadences on the Harvard Wall, my voice was giving way at the half way point. Fortunately, we turn over the cadences at the half way point and I was happy to be relieved by another instructor. The coach heard my voice wavering and after I was relieved he called me over and told me in the future when I feel that I am losing my voice, it is fine to switch cadences to another instructor even earlier, otherwise I could lose my voice completely. I do need lessons on using my loud voice more effectively or by Friday my voice could be non-existent. Tomorrow I will try using my diaphragm as I speak instead of my throat. A few of the other new instructors were also losing their voices today so apparently this is very common and takes some getting used to. It looks like I will need Saturday and Sunday to get my voice back so I shouldn’t complain this weekend when I am not working.
As the regular PFT class was starting their exercises, the lead instructor called me over and needed me in the morning PFT Plus class. I was sort of disappointed because this means I would miss out on three more miles of power walking and jogging – really I am all about the miles. I did not show my disappointment and ran over to the class. I lead a rotation and participated in all the exercises which is just as good as logging the three miles. This did break up some of the sameness but I was still being very active which is all that matters. As the class ended the regular PFT class had 2 laps left. I held myself back and didn’t join them on the track because the other instructors had the situation under control. I just watched them finish the two laps as I spoke with the lead instructor. Finally, the class ended and the coach can be a bit long winded but I do find him fascinating. He tends to turn a two minute discussion into a 20 minute one but it always seems to be very intelligent. Unfortunately, my “intelligent discussions” have been few and far between over the past few months so the coach always has my attention during these discussions. We finished the conversation but because I missed the 3 miles my obsessive compulsive brain told me to run a few laps this morning. My intention was to run 4 miles but I went 5 instead. Some days running is very good and other days it seems to be a struggle. Today was one of those struggle days but after finishing the 5 miles I was happy when it was over. This morning between power walking, jogging, and running, I logged 10 miles. It looks like my weekly total miles is fast approaching 65 miles and this is significant because when I would train for a marathon, the final weeks leading up to it would only top off at 50-55 miles. At this current pace, I will be ready for a marathon at anytime. Of course, this is subject to change at anytime but for now I will take it.
It was time for lunch but because I didn’t have my mid morning snack I gave up the lunch in lieu of the granola bar and banana – yes I took another piece of fruit this morning from breakfast. Lately I just put the fruit in my wool hat and carry it out. I am sure one of these times I will be caught but until that time comes I will keep feeding myself. I really wasn’t that hungry and I didn’t want to eat too much because there was one more PFT class to go this afternoon. I ate my snack and read more of my James Patterson novel while I was waiting for the afternoon yard to be opened. When it opened it was time for the PFT Plus class. I wasn’t sure if I would participate because I had a very strenuous morning but I did talk myself into doing the exercises. I did not have to lead any rotations because I lead one this morning but ultimately I did want to participate. When it was over, I had enough exercise for one day and caught an early unlock so I could take a shower while most of my dorm mates were still out in the yard.
Normally, I come back either when the yard closes at 4:00 pm or at a little before 3:00 pm. At both of these times most of my dorm mates return to the dorm so it was nice to only have very few people remaining in the dorm. Interestingly enough three of these dorm mates still in the dorm were 3 of the 4 members who are in the regular PFT class. These three individuals are all under the age of 30 and one is under the age of 25. When I arrived back in the dorm all three of them were fast asleep at 2:00 pm. It appears the PFT class is wearing them down and I guess they don’t make young people like they used to! By the way the lone remaining member of the class from my dorm is 35 and he took a nap this afternoon. Oh those Young People! I know each one of them can’t wait for the weekend so they don’t have the PFT class and can rest. Make no mistake, the PFT class is physically demanding but I am very glad to be part of it each day.
We warmed up with two laps and then started the circuit training. I started on the pushup rotation because I thought it would be easier for me to start this exercise when I was fresh. I was right and had no problem doing 25 proper pushups. In my opinion, pushups are performed improperly most of the time by many of the students and also inmates who are working out in the yard. Most of the time the students do half pushups and never keep their bodies steady. When done properly, pushups are very demanding in the 30 seconds. Then I moved to the next station which is mountain climbers without any problems. I moved through the entire circuit and by the time I was on my third rotation, I noticed many of the students struggling with certain exercises. They were winded and tired. The coach threw a monkey wrench into the circuit training by taking one group out and having them jog one lap. Half way through my third circuit I got to a station with no students and I noticed the coach was motioning me to come to him. I went over and he told me to take a group of students on a one lap jog. I frantically ran to retrieve my stop watch because timing is everything with the coach and when I got back I took the group of students on the one lap jog. The coach wanted to time the jog so my group got back to the soon to be empty burpee circuit. As luck would have it I ended the jog just as the station became opened; the timing could not have been better. It was interesting because as I was doing the jog with the students they were all asking me when we would get a break. My response to them was, “This is your break so please catch up on your wind now before we get back.” The jog was at a very slow pace – 4 minutes per lap and wasn’t taking care of the students. When the class was over the coach told the class that the jog was their rest period and interestingly enough the coach and I never discussed this prior to his mentioning it. I guess I still can think for myself. I was very proud to be a part of the PFT Plus class because it went very well and all of the instructors did what was asked of them. This does give us credibility with the students and it does help to inspire them to continue on.
It was a very good afternoon and the coach was very pleased with how things went. I was also very pleased and the lead instructor – the one who is leaving – came up to me after the class and told me he was very impressed that I did all the exercises. Yes, it is another ego-boosting moment and I am sure some of this is going straight to my big head but it certainly does make me feel good and some did notice. Hopefully, I won’t puff up my scrawny chest and think I am something which I am not. In everyway imaginable I could not have asked for a better job in a place like this. After the class I decided not to push myself any further because I had already logged 9 miles for the day. I am not getting any younger and my obsessive personality does not lend me to possibly over-train this causing injury. I must constantly listen to my body not to injure myself and so far – knock on wood – it is working out fine.
No matter where I am whether it is in here or on the outside world the best part of my day is taking a shower after a great strenuous workout. Sure the shower is not exactly hot here but it will do especially after this workout. I also used my new razor once again and I discovered a new type of shaving cream. As I have mentioned before I don’t have any shaving cream and I have used soap, shampoo, and body lotion. Now I can add another category conditioner. Conditioner probably works the best – other than shaving cream – because I did receive a very good shave without any razor burn and not to mention I really like the smell of coconut. It was a satisfying day and the rest of the time I wrote. I wanted to stay on top of my writing and not wait for the weekend because this further delays the delivery of the letter. One letter was to someone who may possibly visit me next week. Normally a visiting form takes 30 days to process, but this person’s form was processed in 8 days. I was very impressed and needed to send a letter letting the person know. I was able to write all my letters and get them out in the mail so they don’t go out by the weekend. I stayed up past my bedtime in order to finish these but it was well worth it.
I need to take a step back and mention a dream I had the other night. Each night I have at least one dream and most times two and three. However, rarely do I remember them. However, the other night I remembered my dreams because it was about my son. This was a very vivid dream and the only thing I can remember is hugging him for a very long time. As I continued to hug him, he said to me, “Don’t worry daddy, everything will be alright.” Then I continued to hug him some more. I didn’t want to wake up because I could feel my son as if he were right there with me. Eventually, I woke up with a very broad smile on my face. Everything will be alright and I will be with my family very soon.
The dinner last night was some sort of beef stew over rice and for me it was one of those bad nights. I didn’t receive any extra helping of rice or mixed vegetables. I just received the requisite two tubes of peanut butter. Needless to say I was still very hungry after dinner. I broke in to one of the two soups I have remaining. Hopefully, next week I will finally be able to go to the store because I believe money from the reception center has finally been transferred here. I did include some fresh carrots with the soup and I also added some of my new Cajun seasoning. The soup tasted better and packed more of a spice but now I have to use my one remaining soup carefully over the next week. Even after finishing the soup with some baked potato chips, I was still hungry. I don’t know what has gotten into me over the past few days, but lately I have been famished. I have added the granola bars and fruit to my daily diet but maybe all the physical activity is making me even more hungry. Whatever the case, I sure do hope I can add some more food to my locker in the coming week when I will hopefully have an opportunity to go to the store. I have known what I would like to purchase for well over a month. Once I get to the store I shouldn’t have any starving issues.
This morning was once again more of the same of the previous three days of going to an early breakfast. Just like yesterday, I was able to attend the regular dining hall and the lunch was peanut butter and jam for everyone so there could not have been any anti-vegetarian comments. The breakfast was the one breakfast where I need to request the vegetarian meal because the main entrée was cream beef. The inmate I know from the PFT Plus class was working the front of the food service line and he certainly took care of me. I received the two tubes of peanut butter but I also received more roasted potatoes and an additional apple juice. Unfortunately, both of my apple juices were semi-frozen and drinking two containers was equivalent to drinking one. I certainly had enough to eat at breakfast because of all the physical activity I did in both the PFT and PFT Plus class I didn’t feel hungry until later this afternoon.
Shortly after breakfast the regular PFT class started and it was more of the same. Sometimes sameness can get boring, but for me in a place like this the sameness is a welcome relief because I am very active during this “sameness” everyday. This beats the alternative of sitting around day after day and I will take the sameness for the remainder of my term. Part of this sameness is losing my voice. I have got to learn to stop using my throat to call out the cadences and start using my chest. I noticed yesterday my voice wavering and while I was calling out the cadences on the Harvard Wall, my voice was giving way at the half way point. Fortunately, we turn over the cadences at the half way point and I was happy to be relieved by another instructor. The coach heard my voice wavering and after I was relieved he called me over and told me in the future when I feel that I am losing my voice, it is fine to switch cadences to another instructor even earlier, otherwise I could lose my voice completely. I do need lessons on using my loud voice more effectively or by Friday my voice could be non-existent. Tomorrow I will try using my diaphragm as I speak instead of my throat. A few of the other new instructors were also losing their voices today so apparently this is very common and takes some getting used to. It looks like I will need Saturday and Sunday to get my voice back so I shouldn’t complain this weekend when I am not working.
As the regular PFT class was starting their exercises, the lead instructor called me over and needed me in the morning PFT Plus class. I was sort of disappointed because this means I would miss out on three more miles of power walking and jogging – really I am all about the miles. I did not show my disappointment and ran over to the class. I lead a rotation and participated in all the exercises which is just as good as logging the three miles. This did break up some of the sameness but I was still being very active which is all that matters. As the class ended the regular PFT class had 2 laps left. I held myself back and didn’t join them on the track because the other instructors had the situation under control. I just watched them finish the two laps as I spoke with the lead instructor. Finally, the class ended and the coach can be a bit long winded but I do find him fascinating. He tends to turn a two minute discussion into a 20 minute one but it always seems to be very intelligent. Unfortunately, my “intelligent discussions” have been few and far between over the past few months so the coach always has my attention during these discussions. We finished the conversation but because I missed the 3 miles my obsessive compulsive brain told me to run a few laps this morning. My intention was to run 4 miles but I went 5 instead. Some days running is very good and other days it seems to be a struggle. Today was one of those struggle days but after finishing the 5 miles I was happy when it was over. This morning between power walking, jogging, and running, I logged 10 miles. It looks like my weekly total miles is fast approaching 65 miles and this is significant because when I would train for a marathon, the final weeks leading up to it would only top off at 50-55 miles. At this current pace, I will be ready for a marathon at anytime. Of course, this is subject to change at anytime but for now I will take it.
It was time for lunch but because I didn’t have my mid morning snack I gave up the lunch in lieu of the granola bar and banana – yes I took another piece of fruit this morning from breakfast. Lately I just put the fruit in my wool hat and carry it out. I am sure one of these times I will be caught but until that time comes I will keep feeding myself. I really wasn’t that hungry and I didn’t want to eat too much because there was one more PFT class to go this afternoon. I ate my snack and read more of my James Patterson novel while I was waiting for the afternoon yard to be opened. When it opened it was time for the PFT Plus class. I wasn’t sure if I would participate because I had a very strenuous morning but I did talk myself into doing the exercises. I did not have to lead any rotations because I lead one this morning but ultimately I did want to participate. When it was over, I had enough exercise for one day and caught an early unlock so I could take a shower while most of my dorm mates were still out in the yard.
Normally, I come back either when the yard closes at 4:00 pm or at a little before 3:00 pm. At both of these times most of my dorm mates return to the dorm so it was nice to only have very few people remaining in the dorm. Interestingly enough three of these dorm mates still in the dorm were 3 of the 4 members who are in the regular PFT class. These three individuals are all under the age of 30 and one is under the age of 25. When I arrived back in the dorm all three of them were fast asleep at 2:00 pm. It appears the PFT class is wearing them down and I guess they don’t make young people like they used to! By the way the lone remaining member of the class from my dorm is 35 and he took a nap this afternoon. Oh those Young People! I know each one of them can’t wait for the weekend so they don’t have the PFT class and can rest. Make no mistake, the PFT class is physically demanding but I am very glad to be part of it each day.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Silly Little Things
Yesterday afternoon I did get to lead one of the three rotations during the PFT Plus class. Once again I had the least amount of “down time” in between exercises over the two other instructors. This time the outgoing lead instructor calculated total downtime during each of the three rotations. My downtime was 10 seconds less than the other instructor’s downtime. Also the rotation I performed was the third rotation which has more exercises than the other two rotations. The outgoing lead instructor made this announcement after the class and the reaction of the other two instructors was very interesting. They could not believe they had more downtime and seemed to resent the lead instructor for pointing this out. Both of them are very young (in their late 20’s) and seem to have a little issue with receiving constructive criticism. Even though my time was 10 seconds better than theirs I was still 5 seconds away from the preferred downtime according to the lead instructor. I completely understood this criticism and will always continue to try better next time.
Most of the instructors are much younger than me. I am the oldest regular instructor at the ripe old age of 41 and practically all of the other instructors are in their mid 20’s to early 30’s. It does give me some self satisfaction knowing I can still keep up with these youngsters and the more positive feedback I receive from the lead instructor the bigger my ego gets, not really but it is good to know I am still in good physical shape. Another ego boosting part about my position is in the regular PFT class there are many students who are very young (some in their late teens to early 20’s) but can’t seem to get through the exercises especially the power walk and run. Invariably I seem to be encouraging these very young youngsters to make it and try harder or some try to quit. The “Coach” does not allow a student to quit without a medical reason. If a student wants to pull themselves out of the class they cannot just quit they must try their best. The “Coach” want students who will push past the mental pain and endure all 9 days of the training class some inmates/students just don’t understand this concept. This is very unfortunate because they are missing the bigger picture which is to be a productive member of society. The fire camp program provides inmates with an exceptional opportunity yet some turn their backs. I for one do certainly hope I get the chance to attend a fire camp because I look forward to this exceptional opportunity.
When the PFT Plus class was finished yesterday afternoon I was so looking forward to calling my dear wife on the telephone. I had the telephone call scheduled for 3:15 pm. After the PFT Plus class I did my little exercise routine and was deciding on whether to run or do the Harvard Steps. As part of the exercise routine I did run one mile prior to doing the calisthenics. With this mile and the PFT class in the morning I had already logged 7 miles and wanted to do 10 miles for the entire day. As I was preparing to run the 3 additional miles the alarm went off. The alarm went off at 2:30 pm and I assumed the position on the ground on my belly. I stayed this way for the next 10 minutes as did everyone else in the yard. After 10 minutes the announcement of “Yard Recall” (which means everyone needs to return to their dorms immediately) came over the loudspeaker. As soon as I heard this, I thought, so much for my telephone call to my wife. This was completely correct because the yard was closed down and I couldn’t make the telephone call. (It really does seem like anytime I have a telephone call scheduled something unexpected happens. I have come to expect the unexpected as part of my daily routine.) Now I will have to wait at least another two days before I can call my wife. It is truly frustrating but as I was reminded in a wonderful letter I received from my mother earlier today that this is one of those “silly little things” which really shouldn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.
This is very true because yes it is exasperating, inconvenient and frustrating all wrapped up into one. However, this not being able to place the telephone call to my wife won’t send me into a tailspin of negativity. It truly is one of those events which continue to happen completely out of my control. Instead of getting depressed and down I just smiled to myself as 3:15 pm ticked by and I was sitting on my bunk instead of talking to my wife on the telephone. “SH__ does happen and I have learned to deal with it constructively. I will have the opportunity to call my wife sometime in the very near future and this incident will fade away just like the non-telephone call on Thanksgiving Day. My wife completely understands that if I don’t call her at the pre-arranged time everything will be fine and I will call eventually. I don’t know why the yard was closed down so early which is the first time this has happened since I arrived here a month and a half ago. Yes, the yard was closed early on Thanksgiving but that decision was made ahead of time and yesterday something must have happened to cause the closure . The rumor du jour was something did happen in the other yard and even though it had nothing to do with my yard the decision is always to close down both yards. It really does seem like something is always happening on the other yard and someone was looking out for me when I was placed on this yard. This yard had been very calm which is more to my liking. The other yard seems very volatile with many things happening all he time. I would have thought that because the other yard is the lesser level yard (1) that there would be less “action” than this yard being a higher level (2). However, this is certainly not the case and somehow my “misplacement” had worked out for the best.
I received two letters yesterday from two very dear friends. One friend is a relatively new friend but I do feel like I have known this person all my life. The other friend is an old friend and I didn’t realize how good a friend this person was until I was incarcerated almost 5 months ago. I am truly a blessed and grateful person to have these magnificent people in my life. After all of the things I have done in my life to land myself in the current situation I am not sure if I deserve to have all this love and support in my life but I certainly will take it. Thank God for my recovery because without it I wouldn’t be experiencing any of this. This is why I must work my recovery everyday and embrace each and every day one day at a time.
The dinner last night was the filet of fish sandwich and normally I would have stayed back in the dormitory. However, one of the side dishes was black-eyed peas. Black-eyed peas have become one of my favorite foods in prison, (I don’t recall if I ever had black-eyed peas before coming to prison and for some reason I can’t remember ever having them.) So I decided to go to dinner even though I do eat fish I did invoke the vegetarian special meal. The very nice C/O asked me if I do eat fish and I said “Not this fish.” I was given a tray with two servings of black-eyed peas and no filet of fish. Again the spot on the tray with the black-eyed peas was overflowing. When I received the tray I turned to the very nice C/O and pointed to the spot on the tray where the black-eyed peas were overflowing and said, “It is funny how everyone (all the other inmates) notice my extra helpings of black-eyed peas but no one notices that I have no dish on my tray.” After I said this, the very nice C/O let out a big laugh followed by a large smile as she agreed whole heartedly. It was good to see a C/O actually smile genuinely.
After dinner I spent all of the evening writing. I wrote this blog and wrote my dear old friend. It was a pleasure to write last night and in fact it is a pleasure to write all my wonderful family and friends. I do spend a great deal of time writing which helps me in so many ways. It helps my recovery because it is therapeutic and helps me pass the time being productive. Or at least I hope the letters for my friends are productive?
This morning represented “hump day” in my work week and as I have reported before I would rather work 7 days a week because these days pass so quickly. The routine is virtually the same every morning with slight exceptions - today being Wednesday and our tier having morning yard meant it was weekly inspection time. This meant I had to disassemble all my clotheslines this morning and ensure the top of my locker was empty. I am not sure what these inspections are all about because it seems our dorm never suffers any ill-effects from these inspections. I have heard some of the instructors talk about how their dorms have been torn apart by the C/O’s during inspection. I believe the C/O’s are looking for illegal paraphernalia in these inspections and when they find something they really go to town. I am sure one of these weeks my dorm will be hit but as long as my locker stays “clean” I have nothing to worry about. Anyhow, I did my early morning cleaning up of my bunk and it was once again time for early breakfast. Thankfully I had breakfast in the usual dining hall so there were no run-ins with the “pro-meat” C/O. I need to make a comment about today’s breakfast and it is a general comment having nothing to do with my vegetarian special meal. The breakfast this morning consisted of one fried egg (it was more like half a fried egg), pinto beans and farina along with skim milk and orange juice. Normally I just eat the hot cereal and this was the case this morning. However, I did sit once again with my dorm mates who are in the PFT class and they were complaining about the lack of food on these trays. I have heard this gripes and complaints before. Normally they are much a do about nothing however, this morning I even noticed the lack of food for these normal eating inmates. The eggs were the smallest I have seen in almost 5 months. For the life of me I don’t know why they serve beans at breakfast when they know 100 plus inmates will be power walking, running and doing afternoon exercises 10 minutes after ingesting the bean. In my opinion this is a horrible combination and should be avoided. I have become accustomed to eating beans at my dinner but I cannot bring myself to eat them for breakfast so I happily gave them away.
On my way out of the dining hall I didn’t have any problems receiving the cheese sandwich in my vegetarian lunch. I have figured out that 5 days a week I get peanut butter and jam while the remaining 2 days Ig et the horrible cheese sandwich. Fortunately I have enough tubes of peanut butter squirreled away so all I need is bread to make my own peanut butter sandwich. The cheese does normally come with bread which I use to make the PB&J sandwich. For the third day in a row this week we got another early start. The class does seem to get easier (at least for me) as each days goes by. Again I had the back pace and made a conscious effort to keep a “positive face” all morning while doing the power walking. Based on the “Coach’s” comment to me yesterday I wanted to alleviate all his concerns by showing my smiling positive face during the power walk. Fortunately I was pretty much left alone during the power walk so I had no outside influence messing with my “positive face”. These outside influences did arise later on in the class but the power walk was stress free. At the very end of the class the lead instructor (the one who is staying) gave me some direction which I tried to pass along to another regular instructor but he misunderstood my direction and did what he wanted to do. The lead instructor did come up to me and asked me what happened. I told him exactly what happened without specifically blaming anyone and the issue was quickly squashed. The other outside influence was at the very end of the class where the regular instructors pass back the identification cards to the students. Based on the direction I was given by the lead instructor (one who is staying) I started passing back the ID cards, however, two minutes into this - the other lead instructor stopped me because according to him it was not the proper time. I did stop but I said with a smile “the two of you really need to talk.” They did talk after the class and they both apologized to me. Everything was fine and I will say this, they are fortunate it was me that got caught in the middle of this because some of the other younger instructors would have had an issue. To me; however, his was one of these minor items in the grand scheme of things and there was no reason to make a big deal about it.
I believe both of the lead instructors do like having me around as does the “Coach” because they are always talking to me. I noticed they don’t spend a great deal time speaking with the other instructors. Both of the lead instructors are older than I and we may have the “O.G.” connection. Whatever the case, I do spend time with the other regular instructors because I am not going to alienate myself. This would be a great way to set myself up for failure. I do seem to get along with everyone as well. I am not sure if this would be considered a character flaw but I do need to be liked. I won’t be concerned if some of the instructors didn’t like me because this is life. Sometimes people will like me and sometimes people won’t. However, I will always be true to myself and genuine when I am dealing with people. As long as I continue being truthful and sincere I won’t be concerned if there are people who didn’t like me. I will say it is much easier to be nice and sincere to others then it is to be mean and insincere. Finally the class was concluded and I did have time to sign-up for a telephone call. This call is for Friday morning at 10:45 am. Hopefully my wife will be available and hopefully one of those “silly little things” won’t happen to prevent me from making the telephone call.
Most of the instructors are much younger than me. I am the oldest regular instructor at the ripe old age of 41 and practically all of the other instructors are in their mid 20’s to early 30’s. It does give me some self satisfaction knowing I can still keep up with these youngsters and the more positive feedback I receive from the lead instructor the bigger my ego gets, not really but it is good to know I am still in good physical shape. Another ego boosting part about my position is in the regular PFT class there are many students who are very young (some in their late teens to early 20’s) but can’t seem to get through the exercises especially the power walk and run. Invariably I seem to be encouraging these very young youngsters to make it and try harder or some try to quit. The “Coach” does not allow a student to quit without a medical reason. If a student wants to pull themselves out of the class they cannot just quit they must try their best. The “Coach” want students who will push past the mental pain and endure all 9 days of the training class some inmates/students just don’t understand this concept. This is very unfortunate because they are missing the bigger picture which is to be a productive member of society. The fire camp program provides inmates with an exceptional opportunity yet some turn their backs. I for one do certainly hope I get the chance to attend a fire camp because I look forward to this exceptional opportunity.
When the PFT Plus class was finished yesterday afternoon I was so looking forward to calling my dear wife on the telephone. I had the telephone call scheduled for 3:15 pm. After the PFT Plus class I did my little exercise routine and was deciding on whether to run or do the Harvard Steps. As part of the exercise routine I did run one mile prior to doing the calisthenics. With this mile and the PFT class in the morning I had already logged 7 miles and wanted to do 10 miles for the entire day. As I was preparing to run the 3 additional miles the alarm went off. The alarm went off at 2:30 pm and I assumed the position on the ground on my belly. I stayed this way for the next 10 minutes as did everyone else in the yard. After 10 minutes the announcement of “Yard Recall” (which means everyone needs to return to their dorms immediately) came over the loudspeaker. As soon as I heard this, I thought, so much for my telephone call to my wife. This was completely correct because the yard was closed down and I couldn’t make the telephone call. (It really does seem like anytime I have a telephone call scheduled something unexpected happens. I have come to expect the unexpected as part of my daily routine.) Now I will have to wait at least another two days before I can call my wife. It is truly frustrating but as I was reminded in a wonderful letter I received from my mother earlier today that this is one of those “silly little things” which really shouldn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.
This is very true because yes it is exasperating, inconvenient and frustrating all wrapped up into one. However, this not being able to place the telephone call to my wife won’t send me into a tailspin of negativity. It truly is one of those events which continue to happen completely out of my control. Instead of getting depressed and down I just smiled to myself as 3:15 pm ticked by and I was sitting on my bunk instead of talking to my wife on the telephone. “SH__ does happen and I have learned to deal with it constructively. I will have the opportunity to call my wife sometime in the very near future and this incident will fade away just like the non-telephone call on Thanksgiving Day. My wife completely understands that if I don’t call her at the pre-arranged time everything will be fine and I will call eventually. I don’t know why the yard was closed down so early which is the first time this has happened since I arrived here a month and a half ago. Yes, the yard was closed early on Thanksgiving but that decision was made ahead of time and yesterday something must have happened to cause the closure . The rumor du jour was something did happen in the other yard and even though it had nothing to do with my yard the decision is always to close down both yards. It really does seem like something is always happening on the other yard and someone was looking out for me when I was placed on this yard. This yard had been very calm which is more to my liking. The other yard seems very volatile with many things happening all he time. I would have thought that because the other yard is the lesser level yard (1) that there would be less “action” than this yard being a higher level (2). However, this is certainly not the case and somehow my “misplacement” had worked out for the best.
I received two letters yesterday from two very dear friends. One friend is a relatively new friend but I do feel like I have known this person all my life. The other friend is an old friend and I didn’t realize how good a friend this person was until I was incarcerated almost 5 months ago. I am truly a blessed and grateful person to have these magnificent people in my life. After all of the things I have done in my life to land myself in the current situation I am not sure if I deserve to have all this love and support in my life but I certainly will take it. Thank God for my recovery because without it I wouldn’t be experiencing any of this. This is why I must work my recovery everyday and embrace each and every day one day at a time.
The dinner last night was the filet of fish sandwich and normally I would have stayed back in the dormitory. However, one of the side dishes was black-eyed peas. Black-eyed peas have become one of my favorite foods in prison, (I don’t recall if I ever had black-eyed peas before coming to prison and for some reason I can’t remember ever having them.) So I decided to go to dinner even though I do eat fish I did invoke the vegetarian special meal. The very nice C/O asked me if I do eat fish and I said “Not this fish.” I was given a tray with two servings of black-eyed peas and no filet of fish. Again the spot on the tray with the black-eyed peas was overflowing. When I received the tray I turned to the very nice C/O and pointed to the spot on the tray where the black-eyed peas were overflowing and said, “It is funny how everyone (all the other inmates) notice my extra helpings of black-eyed peas but no one notices that I have no dish on my tray.” After I said this, the very nice C/O let out a big laugh followed by a large smile as she agreed whole heartedly. It was good to see a C/O actually smile genuinely.
After dinner I spent all of the evening writing. I wrote this blog and wrote my dear old friend. It was a pleasure to write last night and in fact it is a pleasure to write all my wonderful family and friends. I do spend a great deal of time writing which helps me in so many ways. It helps my recovery because it is therapeutic and helps me pass the time being productive. Or at least I hope the letters for my friends are productive?
This morning represented “hump day” in my work week and as I have reported before I would rather work 7 days a week because these days pass so quickly. The routine is virtually the same every morning with slight exceptions - today being Wednesday and our tier having morning yard meant it was weekly inspection time. This meant I had to disassemble all my clotheslines this morning and ensure the top of my locker was empty. I am not sure what these inspections are all about because it seems our dorm never suffers any ill-effects from these inspections. I have heard some of the instructors talk about how their dorms have been torn apart by the C/O’s during inspection. I believe the C/O’s are looking for illegal paraphernalia in these inspections and when they find something they really go to town. I am sure one of these weeks my dorm will be hit but as long as my locker stays “clean” I have nothing to worry about. Anyhow, I did my early morning cleaning up of my bunk and it was once again time for early breakfast. Thankfully I had breakfast in the usual dining hall so there were no run-ins with the “pro-meat” C/O. I need to make a comment about today’s breakfast and it is a general comment having nothing to do with my vegetarian special meal. The breakfast this morning consisted of one fried egg (it was more like half a fried egg), pinto beans and farina along with skim milk and orange juice. Normally I just eat the hot cereal and this was the case this morning. However, I did sit once again with my dorm mates who are in the PFT class and they were complaining about the lack of food on these trays. I have heard this gripes and complaints before. Normally they are much a do about nothing however, this morning I even noticed the lack of food for these normal eating inmates. The eggs were the smallest I have seen in almost 5 months. For the life of me I don’t know why they serve beans at breakfast when they know 100 plus inmates will be power walking, running and doing afternoon exercises 10 minutes after ingesting the bean. In my opinion this is a horrible combination and should be avoided. I have become accustomed to eating beans at my dinner but I cannot bring myself to eat them for breakfast so I happily gave them away.
On my way out of the dining hall I didn’t have any problems receiving the cheese sandwich in my vegetarian lunch. I have figured out that 5 days a week I get peanut butter and jam while the remaining 2 days Ig et the horrible cheese sandwich. Fortunately I have enough tubes of peanut butter squirreled away so all I need is bread to make my own peanut butter sandwich. The cheese does normally come with bread which I use to make the PB&J sandwich. For the third day in a row this week we got another early start. The class does seem to get easier (at least for me) as each days goes by. Again I had the back pace and made a conscious effort to keep a “positive face” all morning while doing the power walking. Based on the “Coach’s” comment to me yesterday I wanted to alleviate all his concerns by showing my smiling positive face during the power walk. Fortunately I was pretty much left alone during the power walk so I had no outside influence messing with my “positive face”. These outside influences did arise later on in the class but the power walk was stress free. At the very end of the class the lead instructor (the one who is staying) gave me some direction which I tried to pass along to another regular instructor but he misunderstood my direction and did what he wanted to do. The lead instructor did come up to me and asked me what happened. I told him exactly what happened without specifically blaming anyone and the issue was quickly squashed. The other outside influence was at the very end of the class where the regular instructors pass back the identification cards to the students. Based on the direction I was given by the lead instructor (one who is staying) I started passing back the ID cards, however, two minutes into this - the other lead instructor stopped me because according to him it was not the proper time. I did stop but I said with a smile “the two of you really need to talk.” They did talk after the class and they both apologized to me. Everything was fine and I will say this, they are fortunate it was me that got caught in the middle of this because some of the other younger instructors would have had an issue. To me; however, his was one of these minor items in the grand scheme of things and there was no reason to make a big deal about it.
I believe both of the lead instructors do like having me around as does the “Coach” because they are always talking to me. I noticed they don’t spend a great deal time speaking with the other instructors. Both of the lead instructors are older than I and we may have the “O.G.” connection. Whatever the case, I do spend time with the other regular instructors because I am not going to alienate myself. This would be a great way to set myself up for failure. I do seem to get along with everyone as well. I am not sure if this would be considered a character flaw but I do need to be liked. I won’t be concerned if some of the instructors didn’t like me because this is life. Sometimes people will like me and sometimes people won’t. However, I will always be true to myself and genuine when I am dealing with people. As long as I continue being truthful and sincere I won’t be concerned if there are people who didn’t like me. I will say it is much easier to be nice and sincere to others then it is to be mean and insincere. Finally the class was concluded and I did have time to sign-up for a telephone call. This call is for Friday morning at 10:45 am. Hopefully my wife will be available and hopefully one of those “silly little things” won’t happen to prevent me from making the telephone call.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Same Scenario Different Result
Yesterday afternoon there was still a PFT Plus class to administer. We had our full complement of instructors so I didn’t have a chance to do a rotation. I did participate in the class and the Monday class is relatively easy. The class does get the heart rate elevated for about 20 minutes but it is no where near as difficult as the Friday class. I do have a difficult time breaking a sweat during this class. Some instructors are like me and don’t break a sweat but there are others who seem to sweat much more. The students (please keep in mind the PFT Plus classes are all volunteer – an interesting aside – the “Coach” was telling all the instructors last week that when he first started having the PFT Plus class his (the “Coach”) superiors told him if he got more than 8 inmates to volunteer for this class it would be a miracle; today we had 30 and some classes have had 50 inmates attend – I guess miracles do happen!) normally sweat profusely no matter the day of the class but this is a good thing because it means they are trying. Some of the inmates take this class in order to get ready for the PFT regular class and there are others who take the class just to get or stay in shape. Whatever the reason it is nice to see inmates taking advantage of a program.
I am going to take a time out and offer my opinion regarding the lack of programs in this prison. Judging by the talks the instructors have had with the “Coach” there seems to be a great deal of cynicism at the level of the Administrators in the prison system. Case in point could be found in the previous paragraph where an Administrator told the “coach” he was certainly providing a “miracle” by having more than 8 inmates attend a volunteer physical fitness class. Again this is my two cents and I am sure it is with a lot less; anyway I have heard the comment made by several C/O’s “how can you rehabilitate an inmate if they don’t want to be rehabilitated so why should we -prison system - try?” It is next to impossible to rehabilitate someone who doesn’t want it but that doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be Programs for those who do. I believe the vast majority of inmates do want a rehabilitation program and very few who don’t. It seems to me the dissenting inmates yield a great deal of power when it comes to the limitation of things in prison. A good example of this is the fruit which is no longer available with our lunches. My guess is there are a handful of inmates who would actually make “pruno” with the fruit while the majority would eat the fruit yet the fruit had been taken away. I do understand the lack of progress because of the overcrowding and the need to shift resources accordingly. However; there maybe some simple inexpensive solutions to this problem such as having outside volunteers in the field of addiction counseling come into the prison on a regular basis. These could be students in need of hours for their specialty and maybe they can be found at a nearby college or university. Well maybe someday this will happen and I will now go back to minding my own business.
The great part (there are many great parts in fact it is all great) of my job is usually I am finished with everything by 1:30 in the afternoon. This gives me the entire afternoon to do my own exercises or anything else I would like to do. Well realistically there isn’t anything else I would like to do but in the yard other than working out. So I have he entire afternoon to continue my Program. Yesterday, I did the Harvard Wall for only an hour because I wanted to make the 2:45 pm unlock because after that I would have to wait until 4:00 pm for the unlock. I purposely went much faster on the Harvard Wall and had no problem breaking a sweat. In fact my shirt and shorts were drenched with sweat and it felt very good. Other inmates do join me on the Harvard Wall but they invariably fall out after only a few minutes but during that short period of time I try my best to encourage them to do their best. I made my way back to the dorm for the 2:45 pm unlock and due to my work status I had priority on the shower. I had to let two of my dorm mates use the shower before me because I had to wash my shorts and shirt prior to showering along with having to shave. I finally shaved with a decent razor which was in my package. I have been shaving with a single (at least that is what the razor said) edge disposable razor and in my package was a Gillette Sensor 3 disposable (we are only allowed disposable razors) with a lubricated edge. What a difference this razor made even though I still have no shaving cream but the very simple act of shaving was made more enjoyable with this razor. I no longer felt like I was ripping the hairs out of my face, I was actually shaving not pulling the hairs out.
I did not intend to go to dinner last night because the main course was chili conquistador with spinach, bread and Jell-O. I thought I should just stay back in the dorm and make some rice with my new Cajun seasoning. However, one of my dorm mates who goes to early dinner came back and reported the cornbread was delicious. I thought to myself “cornbread?” There was no cornbread on the menu but my dorm mate always reports accurately about the dinner. I try not to miss cornbread because it is one of my favorites. I decided to go and at the very least I would still be able to make something if the dinner was not filling enough when I get back to the dorm. I got to the front of the line and noticed that the regular C/O was not there nor was her normal relief. It was someone who I had never seen before and I was ready to show my slip because I did not want a repeat performance of the lunch episode from the morning. As I got to the window I very politely turned to the female C/O and requested the vegetarian meal. She did not blink and eye and called into the kitchen for the vegetarian tray. I was very impressed with her manners (apparently she was trained differently from the C/O at breakfast). I received the tray with extra spinach and two pieces of cornbread instead of the usual one and the standard two tubes of peanut butter. As I was handed the tray from the kitchen workers the very nice C/O said to the kitchen, “Is that all he gets?” She seemed to be shocked that there wasn’t enough food on my tray. The kitchen workers answered, “Yes, this is what the supervisor told me to put on the tray.” The C/O just shook her head with incredulity. I took the tray and said thank you and went to find a seat. It is amazing how the C/O’s can be so very different in basically the same scenario. In the morning I was basically kicked out of the dining hall with no lunch because the C/O needed to see my slip. While in the evening of the same day a C/O was asking how come I didn’t get more food with my vegetarian tray without seeing my slip. Oh! The inconsistencies of prison life, it sure makes for an interesting day.
I ate everything with the exception of the two tubes of peanut butter at dinner and I was still hungry. I decided to make a soup (I now have two left) with some fresh carrots along with some tortilla chips. I do have some food from my package and it resides inside my locker which is two feet away from where I sit on my bunk. I know I should conserve all the food/snacks I have because there really isn’t that much and replacements aren’t exactly right down the street at the local supermarket. However; my taste buds seem to go into over drive when I eat this “outside” food and I seem to eat more than I normally should. The close proximity is really not a good thing. Unfortunately, I can’t just lock it in the kitchen downstairs and I have to live with it being just an arms length away. Like I have mentioned in the past I do eat to live but the lack of certain foods changes this to living to eat in certain instances especially when I am starving.
Last night was my lone television night and as I was sitting in the television area one of my dorm mates commented, “It must be Monday because Paul is watching television.” Yes, it certainly appears that the only time I venture into the television area is on Monday evenings to watch “Heroes”. I was somewhat concerned because prior to “Heroes” coming on some (actually many) of my dorm mates were watching a Music Awards show. For some reason these awards shows take priority over anything else on television that particular night. However, I was assured that the Music Awards Show would only be shown for an hour prior to “Heroes”. This was indeed the case and I got to watch the one television show of the week. I was sort of disappointed because last night’s “Heroes” was the last one of this calendar year and a new episode airs on January 22nd. What will I do with my Monday evenings for the next 7 weeks? I guess the same thing I do with the other 6 evenings of the week. I do have something to look forward to in the upcoming weeks. If anyone cares this last episode was very good and opened up many different scenarios. It will be interesting to see how the rest of the season plays out. When the show was over (10:00 pm) it was time for bed and I was asleep in no time after laying down on my bunk. I certainly like this fact and like someone (was it Ben Franklin) once said, “Early to bed early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.” Well one out of three is not bad.
This morning it was the identical program as yesterday by waking up around 5:00 am and getting ready for my day. Tuesdays are laundry day and I had to strip my bunk and place my sheets and pillow case on the floor in front of my bunk prior to my departure, in order to receive new sheets and a pillow case later in the day. Also, I had to take my laundry bag to the laundry drop off in order to have my whites properly cleaned. Unfortunately, this only happens once a week and it would be nice to have access to a washer and dryer on a daily basis. I was speaking with one of my dorm mates who spent 7 years at another prison in southern California before being transferred here a month ago. He told me at that prison he did have access to a washer and dryer on a daily basis. He was very surprised to see that this particular prison does not have a washing machine and dryer for the inmates. Having these appliances certainly would make it more sanitary to wash clothes in rather than using the bathroom sinks. I made the unlock this morning because I was sitting right by the door with all my things ready to go when the C/O came by. I did in fact drop off my whites in the laundry drop off on my way to breakfast. (Hopefully I will get these back because two weeks ago my laundry was completely lost.)
I ate breakfast in the other dining hall again and I sat with my dorm mates who are in the PFT class. The breakfast contained sausage links but I did not want to go through the hassle of invoking my vegetarian special meal to yet another C/O so I decided to take the regular tray. I gave away the sausage links and in return I received more oatmeal so it did work out fine. Also breakfast contained the pancakes but they are rather difficult to enjoy knowing I am going to start working out right after eating them. The pancakes are just too heavy and need time to digest; however, the class starts 10 minutes after breakfast no matter what. I did eat the pancakes (for the calories) but I chewed them very slowly. On the way out of breakfast I was “armed” with my vegetarian slip from the doctor so I could display it for the C/O who gave me such a hard time yesterday. I didn’t want any issues when I received my peanut butter and jam lunch. Well, I presented the slip to him along with my identification card (wanted to cover all my bases) as I asked for the vegetarian lunch. The C/O glanced at the slip and paused (I think for dramatic effect) for a moment. After the pause he said, “I can’t believe you don’t eat meat.” My response was “Yes, I don’t eat meat as the slip states may I please have my lunch.” The C/O replied “God put us on this earth to kill animals so we can eat them.” After saying this he somewhat begrudgingly gave me the vegetarian lunch. When he gave it to me I couldn’t bring myself to say thank you but I reached down as far as I could and did come up with a half-hearted “thank you.” Also after hearing his last statement I responded as I walked out of the dining hall with the lunch, “I do respect your opinion and I was hoping you would respect mine on this particular issue.” I don’t know if he responded because I continued walking not wanting to hear his response.
Reading those statements in this context, one can make the judgment that the C/O was being sarcastic or joking. In my opinion he was dead serious because not only did his words express disdain or someone who does not eat meat but his body language reflected it as well. I did not want to engage in any discussion whatsoever with this C/O but I did feel the need to say something. Maybe I should have not said anything but “thank you” and went on my merry way. For some reason, most likely the way he said those statements I couldn’t let it be. I said what I needed and moved on. Again this C/O had the potential to ruin my entire day due to his extremely narrow views but I would not let it eat at me to give him the satisfaction. I did let it go and immediately started to concentrate on the PFT class. It looks like I may have to deal with this C/O the entire week and I wonder what other insightful comments he may have as I continue to receive my vegetarian lunch. Whatever they are I will continue to not let it bother me because once again this entire situation for me being in here is temporary and the C/O will be here much longer than me so his situation is somewhat permanent as is his ideals which is very unfortunate for him.
Once again the PFT class did get an early start and things are much more organized than they have been. All the instructors know their assignments and everything ran very smoothly. Once again I took the back pace and did enjoy it most of the time. The lead instructor who has finally taken over for the other lead instructor is a good guy and we do get along. However, he has a difficult time listening. He is good at giving directions but when it comes to feedback (to him) he seems to tune it out or develops a very definitive attitude. During the walk the front pacer was about 15 seconds ahead of the pace. Instead of telling the front pacer the lead instructor tells me. Unfortunately there is not a great deal I can do with this information because my responsibility being the back pacer is to stay 8 seconds behind whatever the pace of the front pacer which I was doing. (By the way it is not exactly as easy as it may sound.) When the lead instructor told me this I had a perplexed look on my face and really didn’t know what he wanted me to do with this information. I tried as best as professional as I could to ask him a question but he didn’t want to hear it. Basically I told him he should mention it to the side pacers who were near the front so they could inform the front pacer. But the lead instructor did sort of blow me off and finally did inform the front pacer too slow down. After this conversation I felt confused and my face may have shown it but I did continue on.
After all the walks and runs along with the exercises complete the class was doing their cool down. I went over to the “coach” and asked him about the charts for the class. (Somehow I have become the instructor who does the “paperwork”, go figure!) the charts weren’t prepared because the PFT clerk was fired (this is a long story and I only know it third hand so I will not mention much about it, however; I will say the “coach” seems to be on an island which is shrinking fast) and the charts weren’t prepared. After this exchange “coach” asked me how I was doing physically with the job. He was concerned that I may have problems with my leg even though I am a runner because power walking uses different leg muscles. I did tell him when I first started my legs mostly my feet were sore but everything is fine now. The “Coach” did mention he thought there was some stress registering on my face as I was doing the power walk, he thought this stressed look was me having problems with my legs. When he mentioned this I instantly knew what look he was referring to (the incident with the lead instructor) but I didn’t want to mention any specifics because it really wasn’t an issue. I told the “Coach” sometimes my face goes into a concentration zone where I try to block out my surroundings and focus on the task (this is true especially when I am running because I go into a state or zone and sometimes I look carefree and other times I look stressed.) I did reassure the “Coach” I am physically fine and he appeared to believe me. I guess I need to work on my carefree face much more or the “Coach” will think I am full of it. I must say again it was a pleasure that the “Coach” did notice me and showed genuine concern. This really does not happen in a place like this because it seems most people have their own agendas which include no one but themselves.
The class concluded and I spent an hour speaking with the other lead instructor. He also asked me how I was doing physically (he talks regularly with the “Coach”) and I explained my “zone face” which he completely understood. In fact he went into a long discussion regarding his “zone face”. Then one topic lead to another and an hour had disappeared while we were talking. I must say he did most of the talking but I was happy to listen. I am still not clear on why he is in prison because he is one of those inmates who most certainly don’t fit into the majority of the prison demographic. Whatever the case in a short few weeks his sentence of spending more than 4 years in prison will come to an end and he will be released. I do wish him well and very much doubt he will be part of the 70 plus percent who do return to California prison.
I am going to take a time out and offer my opinion regarding the lack of programs in this prison. Judging by the talks the instructors have had with the “Coach” there seems to be a great deal of cynicism at the level of the Administrators in the prison system. Case in point could be found in the previous paragraph where an Administrator told the “coach” he was certainly providing a “miracle” by having more than 8 inmates attend a volunteer physical fitness class. Again this is my two cents and I am sure it is with a lot less; anyway I have heard the comment made by several C/O’s “how can you rehabilitate an inmate if they don’t want to be rehabilitated so why should we -prison system - try?” It is next to impossible to rehabilitate someone who doesn’t want it but that doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be Programs for those who do. I believe the vast majority of inmates do want a rehabilitation program and very few who don’t. It seems to me the dissenting inmates yield a great deal of power when it comes to the limitation of things in prison. A good example of this is the fruit which is no longer available with our lunches. My guess is there are a handful of inmates who would actually make “pruno” with the fruit while the majority would eat the fruit yet the fruit had been taken away. I do understand the lack of progress because of the overcrowding and the need to shift resources accordingly. However; there maybe some simple inexpensive solutions to this problem such as having outside volunteers in the field of addiction counseling come into the prison on a regular basis. These could be students in need of hours for their specialty and maybe they can be found at a nearby college or university. Well maybe someday this will happen and I will now go back to minding my own business.
The great part (there are many great parts in fact it is all great) of my job is usually I am finished with everything by 1:30 in the afternoon. This gives me the entire afternoon to do my own exercises or anything else I would like to do. Well realistically there isn’t anything else I would like to do but in the yard other than working out. So I have he entire afternoon to continue my Program. Yesterday, I did the Harvard Wall for only an hour because I wanted to make the 2:45 pm unlock because after that I would have to wait until 4:00 pm for the unlock. I purposely went much faster on the Harvard Wall and had no problem breaking a sweat. In fact my shirt and shorts were drenched with sweat and it felt very good. Other inmates do join me on the Harvard Wall but they invariably fall out after only a few minutes but during that short period of time I try my best to encourage them to do their best. I made my way back to the dorm for the 2:45 pm unlock and due to my work status I had priority on the shower. I had to let two of my dorm mates use the shower before me because I had to wash my shorts and shirt prior to showering along with having to shave. I finally shaved with a decent razor which was in my package. I have been shaving with a single (at least that is what the razor said) edge disposable razor and in my package was a Gillette Sensor 3 disposable (we are only allowed disposable razors) with a lubricated edge. What a difference this razor made even though I still have no shaving cream but the very simple act of shaving was made more enjoyable with this razor. I no longer felt like I was ripping the hairs out of my face, I was actually shaving not pulling the hairs out.
I did not intend to go to dinner last night because the main course was chili conquistador with spinach, bread and Jell-O. I thought I should just stay back in the dorm and make some rice with my new Cajun seasoning. However, one of my dorm mates who goes to early dinner came back and reported the cornbread was delicious. I thought to myself “cornbread?” There was no cornbread on the menu but my dorm mate always reports accurately about the dinner. I try not to miss cornbread because it is one of my favorites. I decided to go and at the very least I would still be able to make something if the dinner was not filling enough when I get back to the dorm. I got to the front of the line and noticed that the regular C/O was not there nor was her normal relief. It was someone who I had never seen before and I was ready to show my slip because I did not want a repeat performance of the lunch episode from the morning. As I got to the window I very politely turned to the female C/O and requested the vegetarian meal. She did not blink and eye and called into the kitchen for the vegetarian tray. I was very impressed with her manners (apparently she was trained differently from the C/O at breakfast). I received the tray with extra spinach and two pieces of cornbread instead of the usual one and the standard two tubes of peanut butter. As I was handed the tray from the kitchen workers the very nice C/O said to the kitchen, “Is that all he gets?” She seemed to be shocked that there wasn’t enough food on my tray. The kitchen workers answered, “Yes, this is what the supervisor told me to put on the tray.” The C/O just shook her head with incredulity. I took the tray and said thank you and went to find a seat. It is amazing how the C/O’s can be so very different in basically the same scenario. In the morning I was basically kicked out of the dining hall with no lunch because the C/O needed to see my slip. While in the evening of the same day a C/O was asking how come I didn’t get more food with my vegetarian tray without seeing my slip. Oh! The inconsistencies of prison life, it sure makes for an interesting day.
I ate everything with the exception of the two tubes of peanut butter at dinner and I was still hungry. I decided to make a soup (I now have two left) with some fresh carrots along with some tortilla chips. I do have some food from my package and it resides inside my locker which is two feet away from where I sit on my bunk. I know I should conserve all the food/snacks I have because there really isn’t that much and replacements aren’t exactly right down the street at the local supermarket. However; my taste buds seem to go into over drive when I eat this “outside” food and I seem to eat more than I normally should. The close proximity is really not a good thing. Unfortunately, I can’t just lock it in the kitchen downstairs and I have to live with it being just an arms length away. Like I have mentioned in the past I do eat to live but the lack of certain foods changes this to living to eat in certain instances especially when I am starving.
Last night was my lone television night and as I was sitting in the television area one of my dorm mates commented, “It must be Monday because Paul is watching television.” Yes, it certainly appears that the only time I venture into the television area is on Monday evenings to watch “Heroes”. I was somewhat concerned because prior to “Heroes” coming on some (actually many) of my dorm mates were watching a Music Awards show. For some reason these awards shows take priority over anything else on television that particular night. However, I was assured that the Music Awards Show would only be shown for an hour prior to “Heroes”. This was indeed the case and I got to watch the one television show of the week. I was sort of disappointed because last night’s “Heroes” was the last one of this calendar year and a new episode airs on January 22nd. What will I do with my Monday evenings for the next 7 weeks? I guess the same thing I do with the other 6 evenings of the week. I do have something to look forward to in the upcoming weeks. If anyone cares this last episode was very good and opened up many different scenarios. It will be interesting to see how the rest of the season plays out. When the show was over (10:00 pm) it was time for bed and I was asleep in no time after laying down on my bunk. I certainly like this fact and like someone (was it Ben Franklin) once said, “Early to bed early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.” Well one out of three is not bad.
This morning it was the identical program as yesterday by waking up around 5:00 am and getting ready for my day. Tuesdays are laundry day and I had to strip my bunk and place my sheets and pillow case on the floor in front of my bunk prior to my departure, in order to receive new sheets and a pillow case later in the day. Also, I had to take my laundry bag to the laundry drop off in order to have my whites properly cleaned. Unfortunately, this only happens once a week and it would be nice to have access to a washer and dryer on a daily basis. I was speaking with one of my dorm mates who spent 7 years at another prison in southern California before being transferred here a month ago. He told me at that prison he did have access to a washer and dryer on a daily basis. He was very surprised to see that this particular prison does not have a washing machine and dryer for the inmates. Having these appliances certainly would make it more sanitary to wash clothes in rather than using the bathroom sinks. I made the unlock this morning because I was sitting right by the door with all my things ready to go when the C/O came by. I did in fact drop off my whites in the laundry drop off on my way to breakfast. (Hopefully I will get these back because two weeks ago my laundry was completely lost.)
I ate breakfast in the other dining hall again and I sat with my dorm mates who are in the PFT class. The breakfast contained sausage links but I did not want to go through the hassle of invoking my vegetarian special meal to yet another C/O so I decided to take the regular tray. I gave away the sausage links and in return I received more oatmeal so it did work out fine. Also breakfast contained the pancakes but they are rather difficult to enjoy knowing I am going to start working out right after eating them. The pancakes are just too heavy and need time to digest; however, the class starts 10 minutes after breakfast no matter what. I did eat the pancakes (for the calories) but I chewed them very slowly. On the way out of breakfast I was “armed” with my vegetarian slip from the doctor so I could display it for the C/O who gave me such a hard time yesterday. I didn’t want any issues when I received my peanut butter and jam lunch. Well, I presented the slip to him along with my identification card (wanted to cover all my bases) as I asked for the vegetarian lunch. The C/O glanced at the slip and paused (I think for dramatic effect) for a moment. After the pause he said, “I can’t believe you don’t eat meat.” My response was “Yes, I don’t eat meat as the slip states may I please have my lunch.” The C/O replied “God put us on this earth to kill animals so we can eat them.” After saying this he somewhat begrudgingly gave me the vegetarian lunch. When he gave it to me I couldn’t bring myself to say thank you but I reached down as far as I could and did come up with a half-hearted “thank you.” Also after hearing his last statement I responded as I walked out of the dining hall with the lunch, “I do respect your opinion and I was hoping you would respect mine on this particular issue.” I don’t know if he responded because I continued walking not wanting to hear his response.
Reading those statements in this context, one can make the judgment that the C/O was being sarcastic or joking. In my opinion he was dead serious because not only did his words express disdain or someone who does not eat meat but his body language reflected it as well. I did not want to engage in any discussion whatsoever with this C/O but I did feel the need to say something. Maybe I should have not said anything but “thank you” and went on my merry way. For some reason, most likely the way he said those statements I couldn’t let it be. I said what I needed and moved on. Again this C/O had the potential to ruin my entire day due to his extremely narrow views but I would not let it eat at me to give him the satisfaction. I did let it go and immediately started to concentrate on the PFT class. It looks like I may have to deal with this C/O the entire week and I wonder what other insightful comments he may have as I continue to receive my vegetarian lunch. Whatever they are I will continue to not let it bother me because once again this entire situation for me being in here is temporary and the C/O will be here much longer than me so his situation is somewhat permanent as is his ideals which is very unfortunate for him.
Once again the PFT class did get an early start and things are much more organized than they have been. All the instructors know their assignments and everything ran very smoothly. Once again I took the back pace and did enjoy it most of the time. The lead instructor who has finally taken over for the other lead instructor is a good guy and we do get along. However, he has a difficult time listening. He is good at giving directions but when it comes to feedback (to him) he seems to tune it out or develops a very definitive attitude. During the walk the front pacer was about 15 seconds ahead of the pace. Instead of telling the front pacer the lead instructor tells me. Unfortunately there is not a great deal I can do with this information because my responsibility being the back pacer is to stay 8 seconds behind whatever the pace of the front pacer which I was doing. (By the way it is not exactly as easy as it may sound.) When the lead instructor told me this I had a perplexed look on my face and really didn’t know what he wanted me to do with this information. I tried as best as professional as I could to ask him a question but he didn’t want to hear it. Basically I told him he should mention it to the side pacers who were near the front so they could inform the front pacer. But the lead instructor did sort of blow me off and finally did inform the front pacer too slow down. After this conversation I felt confused and my face may have shown it but I did continue on.
After all the walks and runs along with the exercises complete the class was doing their cool down. I went over to the “coach” and asked him about the charts for the class. (Somehow I have become the instructor who does the “paperwork”, go figure!) the charts weren’t prepared because the PFT clerk was fired (this is a long story and I only know it third hand so I will not mention much about it, however; I will say the “coach” seems to be on an island which is shrinking fast) and the charts weren’t prepared. After this exchange “coach” asked me how I was doing physically with the job. He was concerned that I may have problems with my leg even though I am a runner because power walking uses different leg muscles. I did tell him when I first started my legs mostly my feet were sore but everything is fine now. The “Coach” did mention he thought there was some stress registering on my face as I was doing the power walk, he thought this stressed look was me having problems with my legs. When he mentioned this I instantly knew what look he was referring to (the incident with the lead instructor) but I didn’t want to mention any specifics because it really wasn’t an issue. I told the “Coach” sometimes my face goes into a concentration zone where I try to block out my surroundings and focus on the task (this is true especially when I am running because I go into a state or zone and sometimes I look carefree and other times I look stressed.) I did reassure the “Coach” I am physically fine and he appeared to believe me. I guess I need to work on my carefree face much more or the “Coach” will think I am full of it. I must say again it was a pleasure that the “Coach” did notice me and showed genuine concern. This really does not happen in a place like this because it seems most people have their own agendas which include no one but themselves.
The class concluded and I spent an hour speaking with the other lead instructor. He also asked me how I was doing physically (he talks regularly with the “Coach”) and I explained my “zone face” which he completely understood. In fact he went into a long discussion regarding his “zone face”. Then one topic lead to another and an hour had disappeared while we were talking. I must say he did most of the talking but I was happy to listen. I am still not clear on why he is in prison because he is one of those inmates who most certainly don’t fit into the majority of the prison demographic. Whatever the case in a short few weeks his sentence of spending more than 4 years in prison will come to an end and he will be released. I do wish him well and very much doubt he will be part of the 70 plus percent who do return to California prison.
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