Scratching My Head

As it turns out my lamenting about not being able to make a telephone yesterday was all for naught. At 10:00 am (10 minutes before my scheduled telephone call) the CO gave our dorm an unlock because the gate was open. I raced over toward the telephones and was able to place my phone call to my wife. My sister did relay the message to my wife regarding the telephone call. I was very relieved to call her. We did get to speak; however, just like the other times we were unceremoniously cut off as I was telling my wife something. It was a very good phone call in fact, anytime I do speak with my wife, it is always a good thing!

It is funny how things turn out because as I raced outside, to make the phone call, the weather was not exactly conducive to jogging. It had been raining for an hour or so and the temperature dropped into the 50’s. I was so happy to hear the unlock that I dropped my pen and paper (of course I was writing all this time) and now ran outside in my shorts and tee shirt. I didn’t realize how cold it was until I was finished with the phone call. I did want to get in a few laps but fortunately I do know better because I was ill-equipped to jog in this weather so I decided to go back inside the dorm. It appears I am finally learning that it is better to be prepared when exercising in bad weather because injuries could occur. Am I actually getting smarter with age? Na, probably not!!

I just received a copy of the Los Angeles Times article by Ashley Powers which my mother sent. The title is “A Gambler with a Disorder, or Just a Plain Old Thief?” First off, Ms Powers spent a great deal of time on this article. I first met her soon after I was bailed out of the county jail. My wife and I had several lunch and breakfast meetings with her. She was very professional throughout the entire process. She always took notes and contacted family and friends for additional insight. I was getting concerned that the article would not be published because quite frankly my “news cycle” ended with my sentence on July 12th.

I read the article and found it to be well-written in a very professional journalist manner. The way in which the article concluded makes me think the answer to the question in the title is “plain old thief”. I do agree that I am a thief because I took something that was not mine which is the definition of a thief. However, I guess my “fantasy” is thinking we as a society are beyond simple labels and simple solutions. In my opinion, (for whatever it is worth) human beings are complex and there is more to a person that meets the eye. Certainly I was judged on my negative actions; however, the positive actions did not enter the equation such as being a husband, father, son, and devoted to my recovery. I stole so I should be punished is the simple way to think about my case and to conclude the article this way is very disappointing.

Ms Powers appeared to present both sides – the victim and mine – of the case; however, there were no actual quotes from the victim nor is there mentioned whether or not she tried to contact them. Whether this makes any difference whatsoever, who knows, but it seems curious that there isn’t a mention of this. Also, there is a quote from the judge that I didn’t remember the one about being addicted to beautiful women and fast cars, but I guess my mind was preoccupied when I heard the first part. Also, there is a quote associated with my father but I would swear that the Probation Officer said the same thing. At the very least, the article was published and it does display the power of gambling addiction – excuse or not. Now the issue can be put to rest and frankly reading the article brought back some very unpleasant memories and now I like to focus on positive thoughts which is being with my family for a lifetime.

The scratching of my head started very early this morning while I was sitting in the dining hall for breakfast. As I was sitting there I saw the lead instructor walk past my table. When he saw me, he immediately asked if I received the ducat from the Coach so I could start my new position as the instructor. Before I get to my answer, I must give a little background on this lead instructor. For whatever reason he and I have hit it off very well and we have spoken every time one of the classes finished. He was the one who told me about the protein shakes which are prescribed by the doctor. I would certainly categorize him as very normal and very committed to exercising. He is in great shape and his resting heart rate of 44 beats per minute rivals mine. I have been looking forward to working with him as soon as we met. Now back to my reply which was, “No, I haven’t received the ducat.” He seemed to just shake his head in disbelief and said he would look into it. I wasn’t sure what to make of this because I didn’t expect to start the position until next week at the earliest. So I somewhat thought it to be a positive sign.

I returned from breakfast and was changing into my workout clothes when I was summoned to the door by a fellow dorm mate. I went to the door and saw the other lead instructor standing there. He also asked me if I received the ducat form the Coach. Again my answer was “No” and he said that was strange because the Coach sent it out on Tuesday. He said he would follow up with the coach right now. Again I was somewhat scratching my head but I did think this was very positive because obviously the Coach wanted me to start.

After I was finished getting dressed, I was hoping to get out into the yard this morning even though it was not our tier’s morning yard. I was able to convince the CO to let me out so I could take the training class. I so wanted to get out because this was the most difficult class of the week. In fact, it is exactly like the test I took last Friday. I was a few minutes late but I only missed some warm-ups. I was able to complete the class just like last week but it was still difficult. It’s so difficult that the instructors take turns during the three rotations and they use three different instructors in order to keep them fresh. The class was over and I saw the Coach with one of the lead instructors and went over to them. The Coach didn’t understand why I didn’t receive the ducat because he did indeed send it on Tuesday. He told me he was going to find out why I haven’t received it but he had a few things to do this morning and he should know by this afternoon. I thanked him and ran 5 miles after the class.

I made it back to the dorm after my run and patiently waited for the yard to open in the afternoon. Again, this would have been a perfect time for a Powerbar, but I settled for a banana. The yard did open in time and I went outside for the afternoon training class. As I was walking toward the class, I didn’t see the Coach and was a little disappointed. As soon as I arrived the lead instructor came over to me and said he knows why I didn’t receive the ducat. Anxiously I asked why. He went on to tell me according to what the Coach ascertained, I didn’t receive it because I am on the list for the next Physical Firefighting Training Class and even when someone who is becoming an instructor, the computer automatically voids the ducat. He told me I am on the list which should be posted in an hour. I had a very hard time believing this because according to all the information I received, I am currently not medically cleared so I again was vigorously scratching my head. Also, I still need some information from the county in order to clear up a misunderstanding on my paperwork which I thought would also delay me getting into training class. However, the lead instructor was adamant I was in the class which is preventing me from becoming an instructor. I said, “Okay” and waited very patiently for the list to be posted.

I do try to keep a positive attitude each and everyday. But when it comes to issues regarding my case, I am somewhat jaded based on past experiences. I was really having a difficult time believing that I was in the class because it was way too soon and nothing seems to happen quickly in my case. If I were truly in the class, it would be ahead of schedule and a mixed blessing. In one way it is good because it means I can get to a fire camp much quicker than I imagined. In another way, it is bad because it means I won’t become an instructor which is really what I want to do. But getting to an actual camp as quickly as possible outweighs anything else because it means I will be back with my family that much quicker. Of course, there is something else which has entered my mind that I am being denied both the class and the instructor due to my pending medical clearance. This would be a very large disappointment but according to the lead instructor the medical clearance has nothing to do with me becoming an instructor. Boy, am I very confused at this point!

After the afternoon class was finished, the list for the training class was posted. I went over to check the list. As I suspected my name wasn’t there. As soon as I realized this I went back over to the lead instructor. I told him my name wasn’t there and said, “Now what?” He told me there are eight people who are not on the list who should be because 8 people graduated from the class which opened up 8 new slots. However, due to timing issues, these names didn’t make the list and we should all be receiving out ducats this evening.

If anyone is confused, welcome to the club! The information gets even more unclear –if that is possible – when I received the summary of my classification hearing. On this summary it states I am cleared for fire camp. It does mention the letter of inquiry sent to the county and my medical regarding the EKG results. Nowhere does it mention I am NOT cleared for fire camp. So I am completely baffled and now I have to sit and wait until later tonight when the Physical Firefighting Class ducats are handed out. I am probably being pessimistic but I do not expect to receive this ducat and the Coach will be on vacation starting tomorrow for one week. So I will have to wait at least a week for some answers. As George Costanzo’s father said, “SERENITY NOW!”