Forgive Not Forget

I was asked if I had forgiven myself over this past weekend and I did have to stop and think about the question before answering. Yes, I have forgiven myself and I do go back to a discussion I had with my older sister about forgiveness. I was reminded in that conversation that to forgive does not mean to forget and therein lies the “rub”. I cannot dwell on my past mistakes but on the same token I can NEVER forget those mistakes.

There is a proper balance that I still struggle with just about every day. Thankfully I know enough not to get so down on myself because my life has turned around considerably from those days of lying, cheating and stealing. I wouldn’t be truthful if I didn’t say that I do regret all those actions and if I had come out of denial a little sooner things would have been different; however; as I have mentioned all along this is exactly the way it had to happen for me to finally learn my lesson. Thus; I have forgiven myself but I still struggle with those regrets.

In this same conversation I was told a very profound statement which stated that everything in life is just temporary and the only permanent action is death. This may sound stark but I don’t view it as stark I view as very real and very positive. I went through some unbelievable experiences but all of those experiences were just temporary. It is up to me what I do with this temporary experience to make the very best out of every day. This is exactly what I try to do each and every day since life is dynamic and death is most certainly static and there is no changing that. I like the fact that every day becomes a blessing and I continue to be blessed in every facet of my life.

This morning I was feeling a bit run down and still feeling the after effects of running 24 miles on Saturday. My calf was hurting and along with the usual tightness in my quads. I was seriously considering taking today off or just riding the bicycle but once I started to move around I realized I was feeling better than when I was just laying in bed. Last night I did take some ibuprofen before going to bed which is an unusual move for me.

I have refrained from most medications over the past few years and most certainly since I returned from my sentence. However; on the advice of a Physical Therapist I work with I did take the ibuprofen and didn’t sleep very well. I was half awake and half asleep all night long and when my son made an impromptu visit to our room in the middle of the night I didn’t get a good night’s sleep at all. Yes, my son does have a habit of sleepwalking but his sleepwalking is relegated between his room and our room and it doesn’t happen every night.

As I started to move around this morning I thought I should make my way to the gym since this is really the last week of any intense running as I lead up to the marathon in a few weeks. I started to run and my calf was hurting but after a few miles and actually taking it easier than normal the soreness diminished. I was able to accomplish the 11 mile run and was feeling very good afterward. This is somewhat of an in between week with work but I had some things on my schedule. I did decide to make my way to Wal-Mart so I could get my son a new ball even though he hadn’t come up with the money for the ball he lost yesterday. I did owe him so I made my way to the store and bought a replacement ball. He was so happy when I came home and gave him the ball. It was just like Christmas morning but instead of saying “I love Santa,” he said “I love you Daddy!” This is all I needed and a big smile came across my face.

I had a good day working and did accomplish my tasks. I made my way to the Monday evening Gamblers Anonymous Speaker’s meeting since I missed my regular meeting yesterday. I was very surprised (pleasantly) how many people were in attendance. This meeting was very well attended and had many more people than the Sunday meeting. The speaker was very good and the sharing portion of the meeting very good as well. Next week I become the Secretary for the meeting and I look forward to my service. I have speakers lined up for January and I am working on the rest of the schedule. I haven’t been a Secretary since my first year in the program and I learned a great deal during that time. I know I will learn more and this is the essence of the GA Program which is giving back. I have been given so much by the GA Program and the incredible people associated so it is about time I do my best to give back. I will do my best and will be of service.