No Conundrum Too Big

I was reading some old and I do mean OLD postings a few days again. It really is hard to believe that I started this blog over three years ago as I progress in recovery. I noticed that over the past two years especially as I served my sentence the postings have gotten longer and longer. I do understand why I became “long winded” in prison because I didn’t have much to do but this style has carried over the last five months. Really I didn’t have much to do until my family returned and now maybe just maybe I will return to less descriptive missives. Who knows it seems I have a lot say and that doesn’t mean I have a lot to say!!!!

Today was one of those long days and with “top management” on vacation at the office I have become the “go to” person. My ego does relish this role and I must be able to keep it in check. This is what got me into trouble in the past and hopefully now I will be more mindful. I have had to make some decisions this week and some of those decisions weren’t very popular. The position I am in is to say the least very “interesting” in so many ways. I had no idea how a counseling business was run when I started five months ago and really I still have no idea!!! Okay that was an attempt at humor because I have some semblance of how the business operates.

I have worked in a variety of businesses and my main area of business has been the gaming industry. However; really when it comes down to it all businesses are the same. With the exception of governmental entities which are the total opposite of running a business essentially business models for all industries are the same. It is a simple equation; have more revenue company in than expenses flowing out. Also my background has been in the accounting end of things I have witnessed these things firsthand.

I worked for a start-up casino when we lived in Las Vegas and contrary to popular belief not all casinos make money. This particular casino actually had to file for bankruptcy protection and was later sold at a much discounted rate. The management at the casino did most everything wrong starting from the marketing angle to the customer service angle. The philosophy was “if you build it they will come”. Well it was built and no one came because the customer base was alienated. It was due to this failure that I found myself moving to Southern California but that is how life works. There is a plan for me and it wasn’t necessarily a plan I have implemented from the start.

There are so many small things that affect the big picture and having worked at this failed casino was one of those small things. I met many talented people and became friends with them at the time; however; life always seems to move on. Whether this moving on is positive or negative is completely up to me. I continue to learn this philosophy and embrace it one day at a time.

I lost my initial train of thought so please forgive me; back to the “business models” of having more revenue than expenses. This is a very simple equation and some where along the way people do lose track. I have witnessed in these past five months that it isn’t easy running a small business especially when expenses exceed revenues. I do have some expertise but I am not a magician. I can only do what I consider to be the best of my ability and I won’t stop doing this no matter the circumstances.

In recovery I understand that tomorrow is not promised to me and I don’t know what tomorrow will bring which is why I do my very best today. I know doing my very best does bring about a bright beautiful future; however; there are so many other variables beyond my scope of influence. These variables can cause negative ramifications but again it is my attitude that determines how these ramifications will affect me.

Over the past two years and even in the three plus years of my recovery I do my very best to be mindful of what is and what isn’t important. Money is a tricky aspect to this perplexing conundrum. “Lack of money” is the root of all evil and I can understand this saying. However; the pursuit of money can all be the root of evil.

Money is necessary in our society to live because without it and not being in communal society living is extremely difficult. I know that I just need money to provide for my family which consists of having a roof over their heads and food on the table with clothes on their backs anything else is a “do-dad”. It has taken me what can be construed as a lifetime to fully understand this concept but slowly and surely I am grasping it.

Great Email!!!!

There was an earthquake yesterday a few minutes before noon and now that I am a “seasoned” west coast veteran I realized as soon as the shaking started. There was shaking, rattling and rolling which lasted all of a few seconds. I thought that it was a much bigger earthquake because this was the biggest earthquake I have felt in the 14 plus years of living on the west coast. Fortunately the damage of the 5.4 magnitude quake was minimal and no one was injured.

There seemed to be a great deal of concern from friends and family not living in the area since I received a few emails and telephone calls. My wife and children were safely tucked away at the beach and didn’t feel a thing.

I have to share this email I received yesterday from a dear friend who was inquiring about the earthquake; “Did you feel the earthquake?? Everything okay?? I know you two (my wife and I) haven't been together for awhile. But come on give me a break... talk about making the earth move!!!!" I nearly fell off of my chair!!!! This was so funny and my dear friend is always sending emails like this; wow I had a great laugh. Again fortunately the damage of the earthquake was minimal and it is a reality living in Southern California.

Where we live in Southern California does reside on two faults but I really pay no attention until something like yesterday happens. I watched the late local news and I it was a good thing the earthquake happened because I don’t believe there was any other news!! The newscasts were devoted to the earthquake and remember there was no major damage. It was like beating a dead horse and I can only imagine how much more coverage there would have been if damages had occurred.

Yesterday evening I did go to the Tuesday evening GA meeting because I wanted to see a dear friend. This is the same dear friend who has gone out of their way for me while I was in prison. This dear friend is a regular attendee at the Tuesday evening meeting and it was important to me to see them.

With my impending new GA meeting schedule I won’t get to see this dear friend on a regular basis but I will make it a point to get to at least one Tuesday evening meeting per month. In fact last night I volunteered my services to Chair next week’s meeting because the regular Secretaries are going to the business meeting of GA. It is my pleasure to assist and it is the least I can do for a program that continues to save my life.

The meeting was good and I have to remind myself of one of the very best mottos in the program; “principles before personalities”. There are many personalities that make up a meeting and that is just like life. However; the principles of the program is what continues to enrich my life. If I start nitpicking the idiosyncrasies of my fellow members I am going against the principles in the program. The key principle is to recover from a truly baffling insidious addiction. I know I cannot do this myself and the moment I think I can I am doomed. I am eternally grateful to the Gamblers Anonymous program and the wonderful people.

The meeting was over and I went over a very dear friend’s house to help them out. This is the same dear friend who gave me shelter prior to the arrival of my family. I do miss our nightly talks and last night we had a mini-talk which of course had to do with recovery. I was more than happy to assist in the minor task and this is certainly the least I can do.

After this it was time to head home where my son was having a friend sleepover and my daughter was sleeping over a friend’s house. Things are transitional very well and my wife and children are making up for lost time of being away from their dear friends. It is amazing how everything is coming together so nicely.

This morning was a day off from the gym since I went to sleep very late due to the incessant earthquake coverage. I was up at a reasonable hour and was able to hug and kiss my wife and son goodbye for the day. I headed over to the office where things are very interesting.

There is no need for me to go into details because truth is certainly stranger than fiction. I didn’t have a particularly great day because one of those “business” moments occurred. I had to do something I hadn’t had to do in quite sometime and this is never a pleasant thing. I summoned up all that I have learned in recovery and in business and went ahead with the task.

It is so hard when people say “it isn’t personal it is just business”. This to me is cold and callous but sometimes very necessary to survive. I do believe in any situation I have been in having to deal with business matters does cross the line into personal. Being in business and having a job is part of most people’s daily lives which becomes extremely personal. Difficult decisions are made and hopefully I handled today’s difficult decision to the best of my ability.

Impending "Balancing" Act

Here it is another work week and my first full week of worth this month. I have a very understanding employer and was able to get the time off so I could gather my family while spending a glorious two weeks as we traipsed across the country. Now it is back to work and yesterday I was able to get through some of the things that I have been lingering on my desk. I am very grateful for the opportunity to be employed because if it weren’t for my employer I have no idea where I would be.

The place is ideal in so many ways since it is only a few miles from our home. I have been thinking about purchasing a bicycle since it is that close to home and even with the falling gas prices (gee now we are “only” paying closer to $4 a gallon, what a bargain!!) it does make more sense to ride a bicycle. The route to our office is heavily congested so I have been somewhat reluctant to make the leap to a bicycle but it may make more sense. Anyhow the office is an interesting place and there is no shortage of “drama”. Thankfully thanks to recovery and the fact that I have spent so much time away from my family while being “locked” away from the free world I have developed a “drama-free” attitude.

This attitude can almost be construed as ambivalent but that is not my purpose. I have come to terms with what is and what is not important. Anything outside of harm to my family fits into the latter category. I do need to provide for my family and the discussion of what would you do with $10 million came up today and my response is “this just doesn’t matter”. There is a purpose for money because as a society everyone needs this to function yet my perspective has changed over the years.

Life was very simple in prison as the meals were provided and I had no choice on what to wear. The decision making process was very limited and this is by design. Now out in the “real” world the decision making process is a bit more complex but I am doing my best to keep it simple. I go about my daily routine and yesterday was a different type of day since I really didn’t see much of my family. I stayed at the office for a long day and attended the Monday Evening Gamblers Anonymous Speaker’s Meeting. These are usually very good meetings and yesterday’s was no exception.

The speaker was a relatively newer member with a very interesting perspective on their addiction. The only requirement for Gamblers Anonymous is a DESIRE to stop gambling and this member certainly has that desire. Often times in GA there are bragging on who lost the most amount of money but really money is not the issue. Money is only a conduit or facilitator of the compulsive gambling process. Of course money problems arise for just about everyone who enters GA but over time the money problems are eliminated and hopefully if the member really works the program character defects are turned into character assets.

I enjoyed listening to the speaker because it brought a different perspective yet there were similarities to my own story. One direct similarity was being immature and I have been immature ever since I started gambling. I may appear to be mature in many aspects but not when I was gambling. I wanted the easy road or the path of least resistance but in reality this turned into the hard road and the road with the most resistance. Thankfully in recovery I have discovered and continue to discover the road to a beautiful life. It is indeed beautiful as my family came home last night after visiting dear friends and sit with me as we talked. It was a joy tucking in my daughter and son while speaking with them.

The blessings in my life are plentiful and as I mentioned previously have always been there but I was blind. The blindness has subsided with enormous beauty in the three wonderful people who now reside with me. I am so fortunate and I am fully enjoying each and every moment.

This morning I was up early but not as early as yesterday because I was tired. My wife even commented (which was a big deal at that hour) that I was leaving later than usual. I just smiled and said, “Yes”. I did make it to the gym this morning and I am developing a new workout schedule. I am going to eliminate one day of working out on the weekends and may even eliminate both days. The weekends are made for family time and I don’t want to encroach on this time.

As I mentioned earlier our schedules are about to get busy especially if I embark on my intended path. This coming Saturday I have my first Board Meeting for the California Council on Problem Gambling which lasts most of the day. It is going to be interesting balancing all that is headed my way but I will approach it as I approach recovery; one day at a time. As for now I will continue embracing every moment because these moments are indeed wonderful.

Best of "Both" Worlds!!!

Late yesterday afternoon meant it was the return for me to Gamblers Anonymous. I have made a commitment to myself and to the Program to attend at least one full meeting per week and hopefully two. I see some very busy times on the horizon as yesterday I signed my son up for fall baseball and he also expressed interest in playing football and soccer. I think football is a bit premature but he is a very good soccer player.

I’m not sure if playing two sports would be too much of a time constraint for him and us as a family. Also the cost of these sports must be taken into consideration because it certainly isn’t cheap. Finally I have volunteered myself to be a manager in the fall baseball league at the request of my son and when I told my wife she asked if I were “crazy”. I may not know what I am getting myself into but I think it will be fun.

In the meantime I have a commitment to my recovery which includes going to meetings. I doubt I can no longer effectively attend four meetings per week because that maybe counterintuitive to recovery. The “combo” book (the Bible in GA) suggests attending at least one full meeting per week and this is what I am going to do. My one full meeting a week will be Sundays because for some reason this meeting seems to make the most logistic sense. It is at a time where there shouldn’t be any sports or other activities going on and I can be home in time for a nice family dinner while putting the children to bed.

After a three week absence (my goodness those three weeks fly by!) I returned to the GA meeting and what a great meeting. Thankfully the air conditioner has been fixed in our offices because it makes such a big difference. The meeting was well attended for a Sunday evening and there were some familiar faces and some new faces. The bottom line for me is this program works and continues to save my life. I never know what I am going to hear at a meeting and last night was no exception. There were powerful sharing and therapies. I am eternally grateful for this program and how it continues to enrich my life.

At the time I was headed to a meeting my wife was taking the children to church. My wife understands the importance of GA to me and I understand the importance of attending church for my wife. It probably could be better if we could attend church as a complete family but I am working on this character defect. Last night it worked out very well because we were all gone for about the same period of time. I think we all came back feeling better than when we departed especially my son who apparently took a nap during the church service. He did have a hard day riding his bicycle for the first time and he certainly came back rejuvenated.

I do and I this is not an understatement; I love the GA Program and all that is associated. I cannot recover from my compulsive gambling addiction on my own and I feel so bad for people who are suffering this same disease and don’t have access to Gamblers Anonymous. This is a great program which works very well for me the words of a dear friend still ring true three years later as he stated, “I better be attending GA meetings 10 years from now”. It isn’t 10 years from now but those 10 years will creep up one day a time and as long as I continue doing what I am doing which is participating in the GA Program everything will be great. It is great because yesterday I had the best of both worlds; my family and GA for the first time in a very long time. This is an incredible combination!!!

The evening came to an end but not before I had a game of catch with my son in the front of the house. My goodness he has grown up in these past two years and now we can stand about 15 yards a part and play catch with a football. My son loves his sports and now it appears he loves his bicycle because after playing catch for about 20 minutes he asked me if he could ride his bicycle up and down the block. I said, “Yes” and his little face lit up. He proceeded to go up and down the block until it became too dark to do anymore. We then went inside for a snack and recap of the glorious day.

I too was exhausted as I went to bed. I must have fallen asleep in a matter of seconds when my head hit the pillow. I have found that I am falling asleep much faster with my wife by my side than before. I had a difficult time sleeping over the past two years but not anymore with a wonderful person with me. Even this morning I wanted to sleep in and forget about the gym but I convinced myself to get out of bed. I did get out of bed to start my week and as I looked at my sleeping family I had a great big smile. I blew them all a kiss and departed for a full work week.

My workout was excellent and I couldn’t help but to think how blessed a person I am. These blessings are now with me and really over the past two years have never left me. We may have been physically separated but our emotional and spiritual connections have always been in tact. Even before all of this trouble started I had everything I ever needed right in front of me. Yes, it has taken a traumatic experience to realize how fortunate I am and I am eternally grateful for everything.

Learning to Ride A Bicycle

The previous two Sundays I woke up with my family all under the same roof; however; those days were spent in a hotel room and at a dear friend’s home. Today was the first Sunday in quite a long time that we were all under the same roof that has become our home. Sundays are special “family” days and my wife and I were in agreement when we stated that it would be a “no box” day concentrating on relaxing for the day.

My son made his appearance in our room a little later then usual but this morning he had something on his mind. Yesterday I promised him I would take him to the park where he could learn to ride his bike. I had to give my son a specific time which was 8:30 this morning and he didn’t forget. He came into the room notifying me we still had an hour and a half before we would venture to the park. To say he was excited to finally learn how to ride a bike would be an understatement.

Yesterday afternoon I did take him out front of the house and spent a few minutes giving him the basics of riding a bike. I took the training wheels off his bike and had him sit on it. I had him pedal with me providing the balance. He was very hesitant at first and kept looking back to see if I was still holding him. It took him awhile to understand that he needed to pedal in order to maintain balance but this was just a preliminary test run. The actual learning to ride the bicycle occurred this morning.

I could sense my son’s anxiousness so instead of waiting for the scheduled time I decided to depart for the park 30 minutes ahead of schedule. This decision made my son very happy and we took his bike to the park. The park is within walking distance and we made the very brief walk as I gave him some instructions. The key principles were pedaling, steering and braking along with always paying attention. My son get distracted very easily and I had to impress this last principle because I could see paying full attention would be quite an undertaking.

This was the same spot I took my daughter to over four years to teach her how to read a bike. It truly was déjà vu all over again. I decided back then that the appropriate place to learn how to ride a bicycle was in the park’s parking lot and I was hoping the parking lot would be deserted at this early hour. Much to my surprise there were two cars in the lot but the cars posed no obstructions.

My son got on the bicycle and started pedaling with me holding from the rear. I was a bit reluctant to let go sensing my son’s unsteadiness so it took a few minutes before I finally let him go. Also my son was very concerned with me not letting go so I needed him to get some confidence. He rode around the parking lot with me holding and as my son was saying “Daddy don’t let go”, I had already let go and he was riding the bicycle all by himself. When he discovered that he was indeed riding the bicycle by himself he let out a big smile and went a few more feet before stopping. I gave him a “you are doing it” and his pride swelled.

After this moment it took a little while to work up my son’s confidence even more. He had trouble starting and I had to give him a push but when our dear friend’s made an impromptu visit at the park he sort of “showed off” what he had learned. He was quite capable of starting by himself and his confidence soared. As my son was riding his bicycle on his own he said to me, “Daddy you are the best teacher ever!!” This is one of those moments I have been waiting for and made my heart so warm. I had been away from him and the rest of my family for the past two years but we are certainly making the most of our time together and I am forever grateful.

It took some coaxing but my son was able to ride around the park on his own and I couldn’t help but to make comparisons between when my daughter learned to ride her bike and now. The process was much the same but with my daughter who seems to exhibit “NO FEAR” once she was able to ride on her own she just took off. My son exhibited some fear and I had to convince him to continue riding.

My children are remarkable and they share similarities along with differences. The differences were exhibited in these moments of learning to ride a bicycle. As I mentioned my daughter is fearless where my son is more cautious this is interesting because my son is more outgoing than my daughter. My son will approach just about anyone where my daughter is much more reserved; however; when it comes to thrill seeking my daughter is the daredevil. I can remember her zipping around the park very shortly after she discovered she could ride her bicycle all by herself. Today my son wasn’t exactly zipping around the park but his cautiousness seemed to diminish the more he rode the bicycle.

It was fascinating watching my son as he was reluctant but the confidence soared as soon as he realized he could ride the bicycle all by himself. The adage of how we all need to learn to crawl before we walk and than run was relevant this morning. Before we started my son was apprehensive about his bicycle but when we were making our way home he was an expert bicycle rider.

Later on my daughter and son went on a bike ride to the park with me following on foot. We decided (more accurately I decided) to go for a more in-depth bike ride to a nearby lake. I don’t have a bicycle and I thought this would be a good time to get in a little jog. My children set out on their bicycles while I did my best to keep up with them by jogging. Thankfully I have been training because I needed it today as we logged about 5 miles in the 95 degree sun.

The comical event happened as I was jogging in between my daughter and son. My son was gaining on me and all I remember is my son saying, “Daddy look out!” As soon as he said this I could feel something hit my lower leg and I went tumbling down to the ground. My son some how got too close to me and his wheel trip me up which made me fall to the ground. When I hit the ground which seemed to happen in slow-motion I quickly jumped back up and started to jog. It did hurt but I didn’t my children to know so I thought the best way was to start jogging again. My daughter was very concerned and my son kept saying, “Daddy I’m sorry”. I told him it was an accident I was okay. I was okay and thankfully my son didn’t fall to the ground in the collision.

We made our way home after another lap around the lake and it was a great day along with getting in a great workout. The children were sweating from the bicycle ride and I too was perspiring quite profusely. I don’t need a gym membership or a bicycle, I can get my runs with my children as long as I stay clear of their tires!!!

"Lounge" "Junk"

The weekend is here and these days are passing so quickly. We have now been home as a family for the past five days and I am not sure where those days have gone!!! I do believe in spite of the circumstances over the past two years this time has gone by very quickly and now ever since my release five months ago the speed in which the time has gone into overdrive. Here it is a Saturday morning and my wife was awake early so she could check out the garage sales in the area.

Prior to our move two years ago we sold our family room set which was due to be sold or thrown into the trash as it approached being 20 years old. We didn’t sell any other pieces of furniture and other then the family room and the “lounge” (the children’s name for the loft area) every room is furnished. My wife wanted to look for a couch for the family or “lounge” and came away with a very good deal on a couch for the “lounge”. Basically it amounted to carting the couch away from the garage and despite a few markings the couch will serve its purpose for the children in the “lounge”.

My wife was out as the time approached the start of the Saturday morning Gamblers Anonymous meeting and I called my wife to tell him to take her time because I didn’t want her to hurry back. She would have hurried back because she knows (as she stated) how important the GA meetings are to me and my recovery but I am doing my best to strike a balance between all the facets in my life. This morning I specifically did not venture to the gym so my wife could go out early to the garage sales. I too understand the importance of GA to my well being but I am trying to tie everything in my life together.

My wife how has been nothing short of amazing wanted to come home so I could get to the meeting on time but after a few minutes I did convince her to continue her quest. This is when she found the couch for the “lounge” and when she came home the two of us carried the couch up to the “lounge”. This was fun, although the couch wasn’t very heavy for me my poor wife struggled going up the stairs.

I have become even more patient over these past few years and I know a situation such as this one would have prompted me to say something I shouldn’t so this morning I remained silent. In fact the ill-fated words just weren’t there for me. I am having such a great time enjoying the moment my cynical side is slowly fading away. I wouldn’t say it is gone because that would be quite an undertaking and I did notice a few cynical remarks when we went shopping on Friday. Again, I believe this is another balancing act because there are some appropriate (or at least I think so) times for cynical remarks because this is a fabric of my personality and I wouldn’t be true to myself. I don’t believe my cynical remarks are meant to be hurtful at all but it appears to be a positive that I am not even thinking about these remarks when in the past I couldn’t help myself.

The day was spent moving the boxes to their appropriate areas and I spent a good portion of the morning cutting the already used boxes. I lost count after 40 which meant we had unpacked 40 boxes since we got home on Monday and really it doesn’t even put a dent in what is remaining. We have too much stuff and hopefully as we unpack we can minimize some of this stuff. I also spent much of the morning trying to locate our telephone. I found the second telephone in the cordless package but could not locate the base which controls the first and second telephone while housing the answering machine. I thought I opened every box and looked through those boxes as well to no avail. I would have thought the telephone would have been in one of the kitchen boxes because this is where it was stationed in our old house.

However; all of the kitchen boxes had been opened and unpacked with no telephone in sight. I am sure it will emerge in the coming days and I did find my wife’s knives set in a box marked “junk”. Yes, I labeled this box and for the life of me I have no idea why I would label it “junk”. I think this was my cynical side talking two years ago. In any event the telephone still remains at large.

We are taking our time unpacking and today wasn’t the most efficient day. I did cut all of the used boxes and there is much more room in the garage. Most of the boxes are in their perspective area with exception of the guest room and the many boxes labeled “playroom”. The guest room may house a border in the coming months so we are reluctant to unpack any of these boxes into this room since in our previous house the guest room was more of a storage room.

We have the same square feet in this house then we had in the previous but it really seems like we have more stuff as opposed to less stuff. My perspective could be way off because I spent 19 ½ months living out of a 9 cubic foot space so anything larger then this appears grandiose. A good example of this is our King size Bed which looks an enormous expanse of a mattress because I had been living on an extended baby’s mattress over the past two years. Yes, my dear friend’s supplied me with a Queen Size bed which too looked large comparatively speaking but now the King Bed is certainly a large piece of mattress.

The day was over very quickly and we were headed over our dear friend’s house to play a game. My wife took me up on my offer to sit with the children so she could join her dear friend at the movies. They went to see “Sex and the City” while the husbands played “Cash flow for Kids” with the daughters. Our sons are a little too young for this game and the two 10 year olds grasped the game quite well. This game teaches children the value of money and is quite good. An unnecessary expense is labeled a “Do-Dad” which I think is a perfect moniker. My daughter now understands it is not good to buy something if you don’t have the money to pay for it and the fact that she thinks all credit cards are bad is certainly a positive.

We had a good time playing the game while the boys watched “Star Wars”. They were watching Star Wars #4 which to me is Star Wars #1 since it came out almost thirty years ago. It took me 25 years to finally see this movie and were our two seven year old sons enjoying the movie. I believe the movie has been digitally remastered but essentially everything else is the same. I thought this was ironic that they were enjoying such an “old” movie but hey action is action to 7 year old boys!!

Concert with the Family

The return of my family means the return of doing things as a family. As it turns out this time last year my family visited me while I resided in the fire camp not too far away from where we have currently settled. Last year it was a joyous time seeing my family for the first time in one year but this year it is so much more joyous because this is a permanent situation. Last year I knew their visit was only temporary and seeing them was both bitter and sweet. Now it is just sweet!!! We are all together in a permanent situation for the first time in two years and everything is wonderful.

It may have seemed like déjà vu to my wife because last we as a family attended a concert in the park which was a tribute to Neil Diamond. My wife attended this same concert with our children and dear friends last year when they came to visit me but this year there was one extra person in attendance; ME!!! My wife explained to me that it did indeed feel like déjà vu because the seating arrangements were the same and even the play list by the person performing the Neil Diamond songs (who by the way was very good, not a handsome man but he had a very good voice) were the same as list year. However; this year I was there and it was indeed wonderful.

I spent most of the evening waiting with our children as they were in a very long line to get temporary tattoos. I had a great conversation with my daughter who swore to me she wouldn’t ever get tattoos or body piercing. This was good to hear because my daughter’s comments came out unsolicited but she is only 10 years old and I know full well people change. My preference as a father is having my daughter clear of any permanent markings or holes but she will become her own person at some point down the road and will make her own decisions. I do hope these are the right decisions and I am positive these will be in every way, shape and form.

The concert was very good and I really couldn’t believe how much the band sounded like Neil Diamond and the lead singer even had a remarkable resemblance. We were all together for a wonderful family outing and I couldn’t think of a better way to spend a Thursday evening. It was great watching our children run around after the concert with our dear friends’ children. Children don’t seem to have a care in the world when they are rolling down an embankment. They certainly enjoy their moments and this is what I do my best to achieve.

Enjoying the moment and being present are paramount in my recovery. Thankfully thanks to that recovery I am enjoying each and every moment as they occur. Last night I had a smile on my face just observing everything. I still think a great deal about my 19 ½ months that I spent in the California prison system and I can see how people suffer Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. However; be adhering to the principles in the Gamblers Anonymous Program I don’t have to concern myself with this because living one moment at a time is all I need.

This morning being a Friday meant I only needed to spend a few hours in the office. I still have a great deal of work but my mind is with my family. My wife hasn’t started work yet and we really thought we had an “in” with a friend of mine but this didn’t pan out. I know everything will work out for the very best and I know now is the time to spend as much time together as a family. The children start school in a few weeks and I am sure my wife will start work in this same time period. My job is flexible and I control my own hours. I have things I need to accomplish and as long as I accomplish these things I can spend time with my family. Today I opted to be with my family as opposed to being at work.

I spent a few hours in the office this morning after a very good workout earlier. I didn’t get much accomplished because I was dealing with other matters. I don’t know where my job is going which is why I am seriously considering a change. I have a few “feelers” out there and this change will happen soon enough. In the meantime I am forever grateful to my boss for the opportunity. There have been some ups and downs over the past five months but if it wasn’t for my boss I’m not sure where I would be in terms of being employed. I will continue doing my best and once again everything will workout for the very best.

This afternoon I joined my wife as we grocery shopped for the first time as a couple in a very long time. We didn’t have much in the house and really we are starting from scratch so the process was very lengthy. I used to deplore going grocery shopping but today I am grateful for the opportunity. Of course we watched our spending very closely and with prices that have risen considerably in the past two years some items presented me with sticker shock.

I couldn’t believe how much the prices have risen on cheese and so many other products. Oh well we do need to eat and after a lengthy grocery shopping we carted our groceries off to the car. I remember sitting in my room at fire camp waiting for the opportunity to go grocery shopping with my wife and today it finally happened. These little things go a long way for me.

"Usual" Combined with "Unusual"

Yesterday evening was a “usual” and an “unusual”. Over the past four months I have had a standing invitation to a dear friend’s restaurant and over this time I have taken them up on this invitation. I kept the tradition alive but this time I had three other people join which were my wife, daughter and son. I was requested to bring them when we got back and I obliged. The dinner was indeed and as usual wonderful for so many reasons. First and foremost the fact that I had my family join me for the first time as opposed to showing up alone was superb. The second reason was the food which my family seemed to enjoy very much.

I have done my best to make the most of the time I had before my family joined me and the Wednesday evenings at my dear friend’s restaurant help immensely. I am so happy that I no longer have to arrive alone and having my family with me made it all worthwhile. My dear friend made my family feel at home and it is amazing how close we have become over these past four months. I have known this friend for quite awhile, almost the entire time we have lived in Southern California. Prior to my “issues” we weren’t that close but through all of this we have become very close.

These wonderful people have supported me through this entire process. There was never any doubt in their mind about the type of person I really am. Yes, I am a convicted felon who means I am a thief but these incredible people view me as a friend who made a mistake and as they say “everyone makes mistakes”.

They speak so highly of me it is a bit embarrassing and our relationship started when we met in the most unlikely place. They were starting their restaurant and came to my previous employer hoping to purchase some used restaurant equipment. As fate would have it we met in an older section of my previous employer and I just so happen to be in the area. I didn’t know much about pricing used restaurant equipment so I just “winged” it. This turned out to benefit them tremendously and have never forgotten what I supposedly did for them. I did have a soft spot for these very good people even though I had only met them for a few minutes.

They did seem like solid people and boy have they been “solid” in my life. I do believe in karma and what goes around comes around. Thankfully most of what I have done has been positive with a very negative. The positive continues to outweigh the negative and I do believe this correlates precisely with recovery. As we say in Gamblers Anonymous “do good things and good things happen”. This is not the reason to do good things just a wonderful side effect. One of the key principles in recovery is doing the right thing all of the time and this is exactly what I strive to do.

The evening was indeed wonderful and our children had a good time as well. My daughter said to me the other day, “Daddy you have a lot of friends” and she is correct. I am blessed with many incredible friends and my life is enriched with these friends. I continue to be blessed in so many different aspects in my life.

I opted to sleep in this morning and I was waiting for my son to make his daily appearance in our room. He must have been very tired today because he didn’t arrive until I was in the shower which is about an hour later then usual. When I came out of the shower he was snuggled up with my wife and as usual he had a big smile on his face. He truly is the epitome of a morning person and my daughter is the antithesis of a morning person. I’m not sure if my wife and I have raised them differently and I doubt this really was the case, it appears their DNA has been hardwired at birth.

I do enjoy seeing my son in the morning and his bright shining face. My daughter really makes an appearance before I depart for the office but she rarely smiles which makes me smile for a different reason. My daughter has always been more of a night person then my son even since birth and this is just the way that it is. Our children are amazing and it is amazing observing them.

I made my way into the office and it appears my absence has had an effect on many of my colleagues. It is never a good sign when someone comes into my office and shuts the door and this happened five different times today. I don’t mind playing the office’s “psychologist” (which is ironic because I work for a “Counseling” Center) and it does make my day much more interesting.

I couldn’t resolve anyone’s issues I just sat and listened. All of these things will work themselves out over time and I do have a much better perspective when dealing with these matters than in the past. Now I can actually be in the moment as opposed to being somewhere else. I do prefer being in the moment because now I am a much better listener.

"Change" on the Horizon?

Another lovely evening with the house full and tonight even the television was working. The “media man” (I don’t think it is fair to call him the “cable guy” because we didn’t get “cable” we got the “bundled” package of television, telephone and internet) came to the house yesterday and installed the necessary media all throughout the house. We are now “wired” with and the children are very happy. I am still amazed that I went essentially all of my 19 ½ months without an internet connection, very little television viewing and my telephone usage was limited at best.

Now I am in a house where I can type on my laptop while being wirelessly connected to the internet. Things have come a long way for me in the past five months. I do think all of the “media” is a bit overrated and I know I could survive without many of these modern conveniences. I also know my family could survive as well but they certainly don’t want to.

The children have more media in their Playstation and the Wii (which I believe is made by Playstation as well). I was watching a little of this today and some how I missed the whole “video” revolution growing up. The extent of my video playing came in the way of an Atari set many years ago and the only game I played was “Space Invaders”.

My children have a multitude of video cartridges for the consoles and I couldn’t make heads or tails of the game they were playing which turned out to be a video game of “Star Wars”. My son wanted me to play with him on the Playstation but I deferred to his sister who understands what she is doing. I on the other hand had no idea and I will slowly get into this over the coming days.

As I mentioned I could do without this entire media and could watch a very limited schedule of television. However; I do really enjoy being able to type on a laptop and being connected to the internet. I have no need for a daily newspaper and writing is so much better when I am typing. I must have written and I do mean “hand” written thousands of pages when I was in prison.

Now I can sit here and type to my hearts content which is so much better then having a permanent indentation on my middle finger from holding the pen so long!!! I do believe progress is good and that is why it is name progress. However; the key and I will reiterate is balance which means being in tune with Nature. I have a long way to go in attaining (I doubt if I were ever truly attain total balance) balance in my life but this is certainly a work in progress.

The great day came to an end it is wonderful looking across the bed and seeing my life laying next to me. It sure beats looking across the room when I was in prison at another guy or looking across the dorm at several other guys. My wife is such a welcome sight I have a very big smile on my face as we lay down for the evening.

Today started with me attempting to get back into a routine. I wanted to get to the gym and I was very successful. I had to get up earlier then usual because I had an appointment early this morning with one of the consequences that still lingers in my life. This consequence seems to be getting better the further I move along. I had to “check-in” today as was stated on my paperwork. This meant getting to the gym earlier and I did along with getting out of the gym earlier. I had a very good workout but it was a bit curtailed as I saw a very good friend who usually likes to converse. I obliged and fit in my workout accordingly. The conversation was very good and this is a good friend so missing a few minutes of my workout really wasn’t so bad!!

I completed the workout and made my way to my scheduled appointment. Everything worked perfectly this morning and I had no problems whatsoever. My timing was impeccable and the very brief meeting was extremely cordial. I don’t know what has happened over the last month but I will take these types of meetings anytime. I breezed in and breezed out in a flash.

I was driving to the office in no time and even made it to the office earlier then when I don’t have the extra hour drive. The office day was good but I have sort of made a decision to pursue something I have been thinking about over the past year. I was talking with a very good friend the other day and was convinced that I want to pursue a little different avenue. I am not at liberty to go into this right now because I need to do some research but the more I think about it the more I am convinced it is the right course of action for me. I was due for a change and this entire experience continues to teach me so very much.

Return to a Very Special "Normal"

We finally lay down as a husband and wife in our very own bed for the first time in over two years yesterday evening. I had been waiting for this very moment for the past two years. It was great to hear my wife say the same thing as she too had been waiting for this moment. It was time to hold each other and cherish the moment. It has been a long road to get to this point but we finally made it to a point where we are together and being with one another which seemed like the first time was very special. I still remember our wedding night over 15 years ago like it was yesterday and last night was equally as special.

The night’s sleep was very restful and it was like old times as my son made his way in our room shortly after 6:00 am. He had down this two years ago and he is picking up where we left off. It was wonderful to see his smiling face at the early hour and I made it a point to be home just in case something like this transpired. Normally I would be up and at the gym during this time period but my return to the gym could wait one more day as I wanted to soak in every moment. My son did provide a very genuinely touching moment as he hopped into bed with us. He took up his familiar spot in the middle of the bed strategically placed directly between my wife and me. It seemed like we were making up for lost time in a hurry.

We all stayed in bed for another hour or so and it was time to get up to start the day. I was to return to work today and my wife kept asking me if I could take one more day off. I had been away for the past two weeks and I wanted to stay home with my family but I needed to strike a balance so I went in for only half the day. Waking up with my entire family in our home was incredible and even my daughter made a rare early morning appearance before I departed for the office. This was unusual because normally if she is not woken up she will sleep until at least mid morning. She too had a smiling face which again was unusual for the normally grumpy pre-teen prior to noon. We were certainly off on the right foot.

I kissed everyone goodbye and went into the office for a few hours. I was greeted with hugs as I entered the office and it was good to see everyone. It wasn’t so good to see all the work that had accumulated over the past two weeks but being in recovery continues to teach me to take everything one step at a time. The work will get done and now I need to balance my activities accordingly and this also means attending the Gamblers Anonymous meetings.

I have been attending at least four meetings per week for the past four plus months since my release because I didn’t have too much else to do. Now with the return of my family comes a more balanced approach to life. Today was a good example as I put in a few hours at the office and went home to assist my wife with unpacking of the many boxes in the garage. I spent most of the time dealing with the installation of the cable, internet and telephone making sure all the electronic items were up and running. We have decided to go with one provider and this seemed to make the most sense both practically and financially.

The installation was complete and I was able to ensure all the electronics were in working order. I also spent most of the evening getting the audio configure on the television in the family. I have a surround sound package but because this is not our house I won’t be drilling any holes in the walls so I decided to forego the surround for just additional speakers. I am not the most handy person when it comes to most things but for some reason I can deal with electronics. I surprised myself by hooking up the speakers along with the same component which operates the DVD. It did take me much longer then someone who knows what they are doing but I did set everything up with no spare parts!!! This is a major accomplishment for me.

The day was a balancing act and I thought it was prudent to forego the Tuesday evening GA meeting while continue to assist my wife with the unpacking. This was the right option and I do understand my need and want to participate in the GA program which will resume as we get into a normal routine. This evening was spent with the family and we (mostly my wife) unpacked one box at a time. It was a wonderful first full day as a family all under the same roof.

Home Sweet Home!!!!

This was the very last time we would pack the car because our final destination was fast approaching. We had a wonderful stay in Las Vegas and I have to admit Las Vegas will always have a very special place in my heart for a myriad of reasons. One (or actually two) reason is our children were born in Las Vegas and my daughter even wanted to go to the “Lellow” park yesterday as she remembered this to be her favorite park when she was two years old. She still calls it “Lellow” because when we first started going there this is how she would pronounce the word yellow. I found this to be so cute and the three of us did head over to the park yesterday afternoon.

I think all of the stars were aligned for our trip because not only did we see hardly any rain when we arrived in Las Vegas it was unusually “cool” as the temperature was only in the 80 as opposed to the 100’s which it is normally. We sat outside in our dear friend’s backyard last night and enjoyed incredible weather and it felt more like October in Las Vegas rather then July.

I was hoping to connect with the person who had offered me the job at the Las Vegas Recovery Center over two years ago and I will chalk this one up to it was just not meant to be. I touched base with him yesterday and was hoping to visit him at the office this morning which is only five minutes away from our friend’s house. However; this morning he was away from the office and wasn’t going to be back until later in the afternoon. He did express interest of keeping in contact with me which I will certainly do.

As I mentioned Las Vegas has a very special place in my heart and being a compulsive gambler living in Las Vegas may not seem to be the ideal place. However; Las Vegas has the most Gamblers Anonymous meetings in the country (no surprise there) and there are literally meetings morning, afternoon and evening. I’m not inferring that I will end up back in Las Vegas but the opportunity which was presented to me two years ago seemed ideal and I would like to keep this “window” open. I know my wife didn’t want to talk about any further moves as she is concentrating on this move which made perfect sense to me. I will keep in touch with this person and continue to take life one day at a time.

Today is a very special day because we depart Las Vegas for Southern California where we will reconvene as a family in a home for the first time in two years. Time has certainly gone by quickly and a great deal has happened in the past two years but we are together as a family. My favorite part of this entire trip was being with my family. It didn’t matter if we were in the Capitol Building or in the locker room of the hot springs pool. The fact of the matter is I am with my family and today we will all be under the same roof, WOW!!!!

The car was packed for the final time and we departed Las Vegas this morning. Everyone was anxious to get home. I was asked by each of my children what time would we arrive home and my time estimates were slightly off because we made an impromptu “pee” stop on the side of the road. When my son has to go he has to go and for the second time on the trip the side of the road was the most accessible stopping venue. My time estimate was only off by five minutes but five minutes to two anxious children could seem like a lifetime.

I could feel my daughter smile as we got within an hour of home. She then proceeded to talk and I could hear her very excited words. This help to excite my son and that last hour to my children may have seemed like a lifetime. My wife remained quiet but I could see a very excited anxiousness on her face. We were approaching our final destination and the way to the new house is very similar to the old house. We were making our way to the new house when my wife said, “this is very weird” as the turns were almost identical. We got to the part where we had to go left instead of right and I could hear a sigh come from my wife.

We turned down our new street to see our very dear friends standing by our house waiting to great us. We got out of the car and each of us was greeted with warm hugs. Our dear friends have children the identical ages as us and their children were also very excited to see their friends. After the great welcome home we entered the house as a family. The children ran upstairs to see their rooms while my wife took it all in. She purposely took her time savoring every moment.

There were a few things I didn’t tell her about because I wanted to see her reaction and one of the reactions was priceless. My wife moved through the downstairs and she kept saying this is very nice and she did mean this. Our friend did convince my wife to see the backyard complete with the fruit trees and vegetable garden. I had told my wife about these but what I purposely didn’t tell her about was the clothesline in along the side of the house. My wife has wanted a clothesline for as long as we have been married. My wife firmly believes in air drying many of the clothes and has several clothes drying racks. Now she won’t need these racks anymore.

Or dear friend gently coaxed my wife to the side of the house where the clothesline had been installed and almost immediately my wife screamed and started jumping up and down with shear joy. This was indeed a priceless reaction and I started laughing, our friend started laughing and my wife was laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes. It was amazing what a very simple apparatus could do to a person. This was well worth the wait and something I will not forget.

After the clothesline encounter my wife continued her tour of the house and made her way upstairs. She was so overwhelmed with everything she didn’t notice that the walls of the master bedroom were the same as the walls in our old master bedroom which match our bedding. I did point this out and my wife wanted to know if I had painted the walls this color. No, I had not painted the walls this color; it is just something that worked out this way.

My wife gave her approval and seemed to like the house very much. She did venture into the garage where there are many (might be an understatement) boxes which need to be unpacked but even this couldn’t damper her mood. She was pleased and here we are a family altogether under the same roof for the first time in two years.

We spent the evening at a very dear friend’s house that was kind enough to invite us over for dinner. We had a lovely dinner and watched the children play so well together. The children hadn’t seen each other since last year and really hadn’t seen much of one another in the past two years yet it was as if they had just seen each other yesterday. It was wonderful watching them interact and I had to smile from ear to ear.

We made it from New Jersey to California and life is so much better today then it has ever been all thanks to recovery. Without recovery none of this is possible and with recovery all of this is possible. I have waited for this moment ever since I hugged my children goodbye in New Jersey two years ago. Life is an amazing journey and my life is amazing because of three very special people and now I get to share a life with all of them. WOW!!!!!!

"AWKARD"

The quote of the day yesterday went to my son (of course!) when he said, “This is AWKWARD” as we showered in the men’s locker room at the hot spring pool. I almost fell down from laughing so hard because this comment and the way in which my son delivered the comment were so funny. We had to shower after using the hot springs pool and the best way to shower was in the locker room located adjacent to the pool. My son took one look around at the many other men showering and as he was changing out of his bathing suit he made this comment. He did like my reaction because he said this again as he was showering. He went on to say that he was glad that he had a Dad because changing and showering in the women’s locker room would have been really awkward!!

My goodness this little boy has blossomed in the past two years. He has developed quite the personality and this really isn’t news because he had the smattering of a very good personality two years ago but now he is so much more articulate. My daughter has always had a great personality and has been this way for the past few years. When I departed two years ago my daughter was 8 years old and my son was 5 years old. My daughter has matured in those two years but my son has really grown in this same time span. He was just about breaking away from the toddler years and now he is a full fledged little boy. Also it is great to see him read.

We had such a wonderful time with my sister and her family I certainly had a smile on my face as we headed west last night. The goal was to get to central Utah which meant at least four to five hours of driving. This would be the perfect distance because it would be the same amount of driving over the next two days to our final two destinations. Of course, my sister advised that we take this course of action and as always she was correct.

We drove the 300 plus miles in the evening hours which were unfortunate because it was my favorite part of the ride. The eastern section of Utah is absolutely gorgeous and feels like you are on another planet. We arrived at this section in the evening so the scenery just wasn’t the same. I did get some flavor for the beautiful landscape as the sun was setting and Mother Nature even provided a very cool lightening show as we drove.

We did reach our intended goal very late in the evening and this would be our last hotel for the trip. We stayed at a Fairfield Inn, Red Roof Inn, and Comfort Inn and on this last stop a Hampton Inn. We had the “Inns” all covered and with the exception of the Red Roof Inn the hotels were interchangeable with free breakfasts and pools for the children. We didn’t have time for the children to swim on this last stop because it was so late on our arrival but we all had our share of swimming at the hot springs pool.

Morning came and everyone was very tired. We didn’t have to hurry because we would be driving another four hours to Las Vegas where we would spend the evening with a very dear friend. I could see it on my wife’s face that she had had enough of staying in hotels and all she wanted to do was to get into her own bed. It would be one more evening of being away from her own bed and the two year wait would be over.

We made the drive without any issues and hit our very first patch of rain which only lasted for about two minutes. We had driven almost 3,000 miles before seeing any rain and I believe on our trip out east two years ago we didn’t see any rain so we were very fortunate. We arrived in Las Vegas at our dear friends’ house in the afternoon and the children would be able to swim in our dear friends’ pool. Two years ago this was our first stop on the trip and now it is our last stop. I like this being our last stop much better then two years ago.

It is always great to see our dear friend and today was no exception. This particular house has a very special place in my heart because it was one of the reasons I decided to convince my wife to move out to Las Vegas over 14 years ago. I can’t believe it has been that long because it seems like yesterday my wife and I were staying in this very house for the first time. We made this our stopover when we departed Las Vegas 7 years ago and now we are making it yet another stopover as we make our way to California.

We were also able to see another set of very dear friends this evening. I have made a very special friend whom I have know over 13 years. This friend has been very supportive through all of this and it was great seeing him and his family. We did see them two years ago and I have seen this dear friend a few times over the past five months and this dear friend did visit me in prison twice. However; I hadn’t seen his family in the past two years and his children are growing up as well.

My dear friend’s family is a mirror of our family with a girl and a boy that share the same age difference of my daughter and son. My dear friend’s children are older then my children by about 5 years and I always take cues from this dear friend. Our children did get along very well and had a good time playing video games as we the parents just sat and talked for a few hours. It was a great visit and as always it is wonderful to see my very dear friend.

Fantastic Leg of the Trip

The wonderful visit with my sister and her family was concluding today as we packed up the car this morning. The visit at my sister’s house may have concluded but we had one more scheduled event together. As usual my sister does think of everything and had suggested to us earlier in the week to go to hot springs which was conveniently located on our west and right off of the interstate. I thought this was a wonderful idea and my sister’s family would join us as well. I had never been to a hot springs before and didn’t know what to expect but listening to my sister explain the attraction I was very intrigued.

We sat out on time this morning with both mini-vans (my sister also owns a mini-van) headed west from the outskirts of Denver. We headed into the Rocky Mountains and made a very beautiful three hour drive to the world’s largest hot springs pool. Of course my sister being who she is asked if our children could come with her family in their mini-van thus relieving our children from their cramped quarters. The children were excited to join their aunt, uncle and cousins for the ride. I was also happy to see our children in a space with legroom.

The drive from my sister’s house was filled with natural beauty and drastic elevation changes. We passed many bicycle paths with cyclists along with runners along the way. I do enjoy the natural beauty of Colorado and think it is a wonderful place to live and recently Colorado was named the fittest state in the country. Looking around at the many cyclists, runners and fitness enthusiasts I could see why. This would be an ideal place to live except for the winters.

My blood has thinned out over the past 14 years since we moved to the warmer climates and it would take some getting used to the winter time. I think this would be a great place to live for any family or any person but I am definitely afraid of the winter time. I took one look at the snow blower in my brother-in-law’s garage and was very happy to be living in Southern California where it doesn’t snow!!

We stopped at the halfway point which so happened to be Vail, Colorado which was absolutely breathtaking. It was a very warm summer day when we departed my sister’s house but up here in the mountains the air temperature was a perfect 76 degrees. I could see why this is a very popular place to visit in both the winter and summer time. The area was gorgeous and I could see the pride in my brother-in-law’s face as he is a native Coloradan. He is a joy to be around is always giving a back story to the towns we visit in Colorado. He is very proud to be from Colorado and I could see why since the state is very beautiful.

We passed the place where my sponsor spent much of his youth which also happens to be his birthplace. I could see that this town had changed since my sponsor had departed over 30 years as it was complete with outlet shops but the small town feel was still prevalent. I enjoyed our three hour trek to the hot springs pool and when we arrived I was very surprised to see our destination. It was indeed a very large pool which so happens to sit on a natural hot spring. It was a very popular attraction as there were many people in attendance.

My sister once again exhibited extreme generosity paying for our family’s entire admission which was not inexpensive. In fact I thought the prices were very high but my sister wanted to treat us. This was not necessary since my sister has done so much for me and my family over these past three years I couldn’t possibly ask her to do anymore yet here she was doing this out of the goodness of her heart. I am so blessed with an incredible family who has been so generous in every possible way.

Both sisters have been incredible through this entire journey and I could see the look on my older sister’s face as we said goodbye to her last week. This was a look of genuine love for our children and has done so much for them. Now my younger sister continues this genuine love which is unconditional. I never thought much about unconditional love but through the incredible love bestowed upon my family by my mother, mother-in-law, sisters and many others I now understand that this type of love does not come with any conditions. It is pure love of our children and I am eternally grateful.

We made our way into the hot springs pool and I was very impressed. Yes, the price of admission was steep but the children all had a great time. There were several pools with varying temperatures from a very hot pool to a perfectly tempered pool along with water slides for the children. My daughter LOVED the waterslides and is such a daredevil. My son needed some coaxing but after getting into it he too was enamored with the waterslides. I don’t know where my daughter gets her daredevil tendencies from because my wife and I are very conservative when it comes to thrill seeking yet my daughter seemingly will try anything once. I’m not sure how this translates as she gets older but for now it is wonderful to witness.

My son fell in love with the diving board as he kept jumping off it time and time again. My daughter was immersed in the waterslides and I had a great time joining both of them on the waterslides. I also along with my wife enjoyed the hot springs pool. It was indeed a very large pool with mineral water pumped into it at a wonderful temperature. I understand the smell from these types of pools could be overwhelming but the sulfur smell was kept at a minimum.

I had no idea we would stay at the hot springs pool for so long but we weren’t in any hurry. We decided to continue heading west instead of spending the night in this area. I took my sister’s advice and headed into Utah. Since we stayed much longer then anticipated our drive through the most beautiful part of the trip (Interstate 70 along eastern Utah) was made in the dark. I do enjoy this incredible scenery which always makes me feel like I am on another planet because there is so much red rock and incredible landscapes. We did drive through this in darkness but we did make it to our intended destination at a halfway decent hour.

The trip with my sister and my sister’s family came to an end and we said our goodbyes. It was a wonderful three days and she is a wonderful person. I couldn’t have asked for a better three days and my sister certainly treated (in every sense of the word) very well. Thank you so much I love you very much!!!

Friends, Friends and FRIENDS!!!

It is truly so comfortable here at my sister’s house and is such a wonderful way to continue our trip home. My sister has made an incredible home for her family and now she is opening that home for our family. The area she lives in so nice, pristine, and yes, again comfortable. I have not visited her in the winter but I can imagine how several inches of snow would add to the serenity of the area. That is what is comes down to for me is the serenity, peace and tranquility. Two years ago as we headed east and stopped at my sister’s house I had small pieces of these things and building on what I continue to learn in recovery.

Now two years later the serenity, peace and tranquility continue to grow inside and outside of me, being reunited with my family completes me in every way. Without my family I am nothing just as without recovery my life is nothing. There is something in both I need to be very mindful of as I go forward in life. I need and want both in my life and with both in my life everything is truly working out for the very best.

Today we arose as a family with the exception of my 10 year old daughter who values her sleep as she approaches her teenage years. I was able to get in a workout without disrupting the morning activities. I went to a local health club where I got in some “altitude training”. My sister’s community rests at almost 6,000 feet above sea level and I have read many training articles about training at altitude.

Many of the elite runners and athletes train at altitude and my little 8 mile run may not qualify as altitude training but I could feel a difference in my run. I was much more winded earlier in the run than normal; however; me being me pushed through this and completed the run. I did notice a difference after the run as I needed much more water since my head was started to ache. Anyhow my little “altitude” training was a very good way to start the day.

My sister continued her incredible visit plans with a trip to her local community’s recreation center. I must say that her community seems to take the master plan community to another level. We have lived in master planned community in the past and these communities do have very good amenities for the residents, however; compared to my sister’s community these amenities pale in comparison. Her community has four recreation centers all with indoor and outdoor pools. The recreation center we attended today was a huge hit with our children. The indoor pool was complete with a great kids’ play area along with a “lazy river” and other wonderful activities. Our children were very impressed as was I with the facility.

We had a grand time at the recreation center and were yet another great component of our visit with my sister and her family. The afternoon came and it was time for the children to relax and for my wife and I to get ready for a very special dinner. We were meeting three very special people in my life for dinner. As fate works my sponsor and his wife along with another very special friend in Gamblers Anonymous have all moved to Colorado. I wanted to see them on this trip because it had been awhile since I last saw them.

We were to meet about 20 minutes away from my sister’s house and about 45 minutes where they reside in Colorado. My wife and I departed my sister’s knowing full well our children were in great hands with my sister and her family. We made the short drive and waited for our dear friends to arrive. Our dear friends arrived right on time through some very stormy skies. The skies may have been stormy but there was nothing but warmth as we greeted one another. These are fantastic people and all three of them are instrumental in my recovery. My dear friend transcribed my “chicken scratch” for over a year as I wrote this blog from prison and not only that this person has become a very dear friend in so many ways.

My sponsor was at my very first GA meeting over 3 years ago and is a huge part of my recovery. My sponsor sat in the courtroom when I was first arrested and has gone out of his way for me. We shared incredible letters through my prison experience and always looked forward to the weekly missives. All three of them were a wonderful sight for me and my wife. We had an incredible two hours talking about a myriad of topics most of which were recovery related.

My dear friend kept saying, “I can’t believe we are all here together”. Life is an amazing journey and over three years ago when this strange wonderful journey started I didn’t know any of these people which I shared a wonderful evening with tonight and now these three plus years later my life is so much better because of these people. It was wonderful seeing my sponsor in person and the last time we visited was behind plexi-glass as I sat in the county jail waiting for my prison experience to start. Now we sat across the table from one another much like we did at my first GA meeting. It was wonderful to hug each of them and feel all of the love that emanates from these incredible people.

The wonderful dinner and our special visit came to an end. We all had smiles on our faces as we hug one another as we departed. This was a wonderful evening and it was so great to see our dear friends. These are dear friends and friends I continue to learn so much from. Each of them embodies the spirit of the Gamblers Anonymous program which is people helping people and these people continue to help me and now they are dear friends. Wow what a perfect evening!!!!

Super Sister!!!

We made the 12 plus hour drive and my sister’s house was a very welcome site as we pulled into the driveway last night. I cannot say enough about how good our children have been on this trip. We have brought family bonding to a new level and if there is a way to make up for the past two years of not being with them spending days in the car in cramped conditions makes for some family bonding, or at least I hope. My sister stated it perfectly when she said, “If they (us) can make it across country in cramped conditions they can make it through anything”. I agree with her wholeheartedly and if we can make it through the past two years being separated all the minor issues (some call them problems I prefer solutions!) can certainly be addressed in a corresponding manner.

We drove over 800 miles yesterday which encompassed a very long trek through Kansas and Colorado was a welcomed site. Also welcome was the posted speed limit of 75 miles per hour as we entered Colorado. This was the fastest speed limit so far on the trip and I now abide all posted laws because this is the last thing I want to deal with being on parole. The other thing I was surprised by was the fact that we seemingly went from sea level to 5,500 feet above sea level without going through any noticeable elevation changes. There was a sign on the side of the road that read “5,550 feet elevation” which confounded me because we were just in the plains of Kansas. I guess there was a gradual climb as we entered Colorado.

It was wonderful reaching my sister’s house who is just a great person. She has been so supportive ever since the beginning of this journey over three years ago. She has never wavered once in her support for our family and especially me. She is a very special person to me and her home is so comfortable and relaxing. Our accommodations were superb and as each of us laid down for the evening we were asleep in no time.

The morning was as always very relaxing and my sister does make everyone feel so welcomed. She had presents for our children and her children are so good. The children get along so well and my nephew is only one year younger then my son and my daughter loves doting on her four year old cousin. It is always wonderful watching them interact and much like my niece who is only 10 months older then my daughter, my son who is 11 months older then my nephew is much bigger then him as is my niece to my daughter. It is hard to believe the two of them are this close in age when my son is so much bigger but they do play well together.

My son is more of a sports fan then my nephew and really all my son needs is a ball to have a good time. My son just goes and goes until he drops but did play very well with his cousin. My sister made a wonderful breakfast for everyone and I even snuck in a workout in my sister’s basement on her elliptical machine. Then my sister gave my wife and me some alone time while she took everyone to the park. My sister does think of everything and I love her so very much.

The day was so relaxing and in the afternoon we went to an indoor “climbing/rope” facility for the children. This was a huge hit with my daughter and son as they climbed, swung jumped and all other fun things to their hearts content. It was incredible watching them play so hard. They seemingly didn’t have a care in the world and they were only concerned with the next fun thing to do. This was a very fun way to spend the afternoon and knowingly my children they could have stayed her all afternoon. They did have their share of fun frolicking on the “zip lines” and all the other cool things to do. My sister commented to me that they didn’t have these kinds of places when we were growing up and I agreed.

The children had a wonderful afternoon and a wonderful day. The day was capped off with a lovely dinner where we ate outside on my sister’s patio. This is such a great way to start off our new era as a family hopefully following my sister’s lead. She is raising two wonderful children and even my daughter commented that she really likes coming to her Aunt’s house because it is so nice and there are a great deal of fun things to do. This was a totally unsolicited comment made by my daughter and I am continually amazed by my children. They are developing into their own personas and I still can’t believe how fast time goes. It seems like yesterday I was concerning myself with the possibility of not being allowed on this trip and here it is that the trip is on the final stages. The trip maybe on the final stages but being a family once again has just begun.

I had to laugh last night because when the children were put to bed the four adults sat in the living room and three us were working on our laptops!!! My wife felt left out because she didn’t have her own laptop. We were checking out what we will be doing this weekend and yes, once again my sister has come up with a great plan. She suggested we venture to a natural hot spring which so happens to be on our way to California. The place looks very fun for the children and will be a great way to spend a part of this Saturday. My sister is wonderful and I am blessed to be in her presence.

These are Road Warrior Children

We made it to about 30 west of St. Louis where we had to call it a day. Knowing my personality I would have driven much further because as is the case with most things in my life once I get going it is very difficult for me to stop (this is why gambling and my personality where a match made in hell!). I had three other people to concern myself with and one of those three (my wife) was certainly a person I should listen to. I listened and obey finding a very nice motel along the highway complete with the free breakfast and indoor heated pool.

I suggested that I take the children swimming before going off to dinner to get out some of their pent up energy. My wife was very hungry because there really wasn’t any “real” breakfast or lunch during the day. Since the motel we previously stayed at didn’t have the free breakfast we grabbed something on the go and had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch. This wasn’t a very nutritious day and having a nice dinner was paramount. Additionally my wife’s back had been hurting her ever since we started driving from New Jersey so I figured I would give her an hour to herself before we went to dinner.

I took the children downstairs to the so called “heated” indoor pool. Since I believed the pool was indeed heated I just jumped in without feeling the temperature of the water. Much to my surprise the water was borderline freezing and not so much heated. I jumped in which did feel refreshing for about a second before I lost feeling in my feet and yelled, this isn’t heated. My children got a big kick out of this and laughed for a few minutes. We then took turns jumping in and swimming across to the other side. Each of us was reluctant to stay in the water for an extended period of time and when my son jumped in he was shivering from head to toe saying the water “wasn’t bad”.

We had all we could take with the “heated” pool and headed back up to the room where we would change into dry clothes so we could go to dinner. We departed the motel and went to dinner. We had a very nice dinner and made up for the lack of “good” food during the day. I then suggested we get the children ice cream since they were so good in the car. They really were great and are road warriors. They were good two years ago and they are still good on this trip. My son continues to amuse everyone with his comments; as he said in response to my wife refusing to open a game in the car; “first no lunch now this!!” He did state with humor and has such a very good sense of humor. Sometimes this sense of humor goes a little too far but for the most part he was a very funny kid.

We found an ice cream place and the children were treated with ice cream. It was a long driving day but a great day nonetheless. We were indeed making our way west and were now in the middle of the country. I did most of the driving because again I am a control freak and wanted my wife to relax. My wife did drive for a few hours giving my eyes a rest but for the most part I do enjoy driving. I don’t think about much when I am driving just the road and the fact I am finally with my family for the first time in two years. I had been envisioning this trip for some time, in fact two years ago when we were making the reverse trip I had thought about the return.

Life is indeed wonderful and the drive albeit long is wonderful as well. I continue to think about the fact that I have a long way to go to in addressing my character defects. I need to stay present and stay in the moment because this is the way that works for me. This means really staying present and being aware of all my thoughts and actions. It is my actions which will determine my fate in life and these actions have not been so good up until a little over three years ago. I am still behind in really addressing my actions and need to be “checked” each and everyday.

We started off the morning with a very aggressive goal of getting to my sister’s house in the evening. This required a great deal of driving today and we fully briefed the family. The peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were made, the cooler stocked and the mini-van still packed to the gills. I have pretty much given up getting out early in the morning because no matter how early I get up it take two more hours to get on the road. It is my fault because I should have gotten up much earlier so we could have departed much earlier but I was tired. I have accepted the fact that it takes us a certain amount of time to get on the road and this is just what it is.

We finally got on the road about an hour later then I had expected but we were driving along Interstate 70 heading from Missouri to Colorado. We made it through Missouri and had a very long day in Kansas. Kansas seemed to last forever and I was amazed to see signs along the freeway for “free land” for business use. There is so much land in Kansas and comparing this to New Jersey and where we live in California the land seemed to go on forever.

The children were once again great and watched many movies during the longest day so far of the trip. My son once again came up with some great comments such as when he asked me how much further we had and I said, “about 6 ½ hours” where my son responded, “that’s not so bad!” I had to laugh because he is so funny and my daughter when asked if she wanted to stop for dinner or take it in the car, “all I want to do is get to my Aunt’s house in Colorado!” They are tried and true road warriors and are my blessings.

Heading Westward and a very Poignant Comment

We drove less then anticipated last night because of our delayed departure from Washington D.C. This did not matter at all and I remember back two years ago when we did the reverse trip as I brought my family to New Jersey I was very concerned with the time of our travel. Now I am more concerned with making the time of our travels count. This is a saying in Gamblers Anonymous, “Don’t count your day’s make your days count”. This is so true in this regard and so many other applications such as driving across country with your family. I was hoping to make it into Ohio but that would have required driving well past an intended dinner hour and having very grouchy passengers.

We arrived in Washington, Pennsylvania from Washington D.C. thus making a Washington to Washington trip today. Washington, Pennsylvania is a little different (big understatement) then Washington D.C. and finding a restaurant for dinner and a motel was a rather difficult task. My wife started calling the motels and almost reached a state of panic because the first three motels she called had no vacancies. We had to settle for the Red Roof Inn and I say settle because we try to get the motels that offer free breakfast along with having a swimming pool so the children can get out their energy they had been conserving in the car for the past five hours. This particular Red Roof Inn had neither the free breakfast nor the swimming pool but it was in the right location; where we were at that time!

The children were a bit disappointed that there wasn’t a pool but our children are incredible. They were stuffed like sardines in the mini-van and neither of them complained at all. There were very few brother/sister tussles and they were very content watching movies on the DVD player. I must say having the DVD player built into the mini-van works very well on these very long road trips. I know as a child there was no such thing as a DVD player and we were relegated to playing “punch bug”, reading “Mad-libs” and counting the out of state license’s plates. I am all for progress and having DVD player in the mini-van is a great by-product of progress.

I don’t know what type of psychological (if any?) my children and children of their generation will have due to all of the electronic stimuli that seem to exist today. I do believe it all comes back to moderation along with balance. Too much of anything has its detriments and not enough of certain things have its detriments as well. I know I am a compulsive gambler but I very much doubt this was caused by reading “Mad-libs” on our family vacations as we drove from New Jersey to Florida. Education certainly helps restore any balance and provides information on moderation and I hope to continue to educate my children on these thoughts.

We found a restaurant in Washington, Pennsylvania that was open and was in the fast food business. It was a franchise chain restaurant and I have yet to see a roadside restaurant that isn’t a franchise chain restaurant. With my very particular eating habits finding something to eat at these establishments can be a challenge; however; more and more I am finding “healthy” choices available. Tonight’s “healthy” choice was a crepe with low fat strawberry yogurt topped with fresh blueberries and strawberries. This was right up my alley and I have noticed that my children eat the opposite foods of me. How did this happen? I have never and will never impose my restrictive eating habits on my children or anyone for that matter. The only “rule” I had was that I didn’t want my children to drink soda and this worked with my daughter who doesn’t even like (her words not mine) soda but my son is the king of root beer. He would drink root beer all day long if he were allowed. We do try to limit the root beer drinking to the one’s with no caffeine because he doesn’t need any extra energy.

Of course I would like to see my children eat more or at this stage some fruits and vegetables but I understand this is a process. Their diets aren’t the best in the world and this week I have made it my purpose to get my daughter to eat at least one piece of fruit each day. I have been successful at breakfast giving her a banana which she seems to like; outside of the banana there isn’t much other fruit she will eat and I am not sure if my son will eat any fruit at all, oh well.

The evening’s dinner was good and we got back to the room where we crashed for the evening. The day’s drive would commence this morning and the goal was to get to Columbia, Missouri we were a hundred miles short of the goal but we needed substance and the children needed to get out of the mini-van. Once again the children were amazing and watched movies without any complaints.

I haven’t been able to check email in the past three days but I finally checked today. I received a comment on one of the posting’s that I wanted to include here; this is the comment in its entirety;

Paul,

You are wrong in your thoughts regarding our reluctance to talk to you. I am not the only one who feels that you have taken for granted what everyone in the family did for your wife and kids while you were away. For you to sit at the dinner table and never utter two simple words "Thank you" to us makes us upset and used. You may not see it, but it is true. I wish you and the family the best, but you have no idea what the last couple of years were like and what everyone went through and sacrificed for them. All you had to say was thank you, and you never did. It's just like when my daughter was in your house when the FBI raided it and you didn't think to apologize. Some things may change, but some stay the same. Sacrifice is not the monetary things, it's everything else. You weren't there when your mother-in-law who you say doesn't care for you agonized over putting her house up for collateral. You weren't there through all the tears. You came back, took all of it for granted, and left back to CA. That is good for you and for the family, but the way you take others for granted in what they have done to keep them sane and steady is not.

John

This is in regards to the posting I made about spending the day with my in-laws and the comment is correct. I did not make the effort to thank everyone while we ate dinner. I don’t have a reason or an excuse. I made it a point to say thank you to my mother-in-law as we departed last Saturday but it was more of a generic “thank you” then specifically thank her for all that she has done over the past three years and even further then that. I most certainly should have thanked everyone as we sat at the dinner table because that was the perfect opportunity. I remained silent which was wrong. I do apologize but that is empty and words mean nothing when the actions do not follow. I can’t go back to that evening and I take this comment very seriously. I believe I have changed but it is apparent I have a very long way to go. I am so appreciative of everything over these past few years and I need to stop hiding behind a keyboard and be able to say these things in person. I do thank everyone for everything.