Still Embarrassed

Earlier this week I was made aware that some “new” people have discovered this blog. There really aren’t many people who read this blog on a daily basis as the “Stat Tracker” has about 20 people per day. I do know most of these people and there are others that come in on a random search. These new readers are people I work with and when I was told that they were reading my blog I was a bit embarrassed. I wasn’t sure if embarrassed was the correct word but I think this is what I was feeling. I started this blog nearly four years ago as I chronicle my life in recovery.

This blog caused me some “uncertain” times as I served my sentence but somehow I managed to continue writing it even as I served my sentence. I am not sure why my first reaction was that of embarrassment because I really have nothing to be an embarrassed about. Well that might not be correct if I consider my entire situation since my fall from grace was very embarrassing for not only me but my immediate family.

I have moved past this embarrassment and sense of regret but when I heard that people I work with were going through this blog I some of those thoughts came back. Also during the birthday celebration on Sunday many people did mention this blog and I did feel uncomfortable. Once again I am not sure why I felt this way on Sunday but I did. I guess I have a long way to go to really feel comfortable about the entire situation. Maybe my lack of feeling comfortable could be construed as positive but for now it is what it is and I am sure these feeling will continue.

This week is moving along at a rapid clip as all the weeks seem to moving on. I wouldn’t be completely truthful if I didn’t mention the fact that at the end of this month (27th to be exact) my parole period will end. I have kept one eye on that date and do want it here. I know it really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but there are certain events that happen on this date such as having my constitutional rights restored; yes, I will be able to vote and I will be eligible for jury duty. As an aside I have served on two juries over the years; one in New Jersey and the other out here in California. Yes, I was paneled as a juror and the trial out here I was somehow elected the jury foreman. Both of the cases were civil and it was very interesting to be a part of the process. No, my particular case never made it to a jury trial because I did confess at the inception. I don’t know if any right minded attorney would have me on a jury knowing my criminal background but having those rights restored is a big deal to me especially the voting rights.

The other big issue not having to get permission anytime I leave the county. Today I made plans to travel to New Jersey in June with my family as we will be celebrating my brother-in-laws new baby’s Christening. It was nice to know that I didn’t have to seek permission and really the last two trips I made out of the state weren’t any big deal but the fact that I don’t have to ask permission is a big step in the right direction.

All of this started over four years ago and yes, I brought all of this on myself but having it come to an end does make a difference. However; the one thing that doesn’t change is my recovery. I had a member of GA ask me a few months ago if I were still going to come to meetings when my parole expired and my answer without any hesitation was an emphatic “YES!” My parole and a large part of paying my debt to society conclude at the end of this month but my recovery continues one day at a time for a lifetime. Without recovery in my life those past mistakes will come back and I don’t want to ever go back to that despair.

This afternoon was my son’s turn for his baseball game and yes, after a very busy day in the office I made the very short drive to the baseball fields. My son’s team is having a hard time hitting the ball and they do seem very different from the first time I watched. I don’t know what has happened but they seem to be in a funk. My son was also mired in this funk as he struck out in his first at bat. He did snap out of it and continued of his streak of striking out in his first at bat which is followed by a base hit. He had this base hit in his second at bat and scored his team’s first run. The final score had my son’s team on the losing side of the ledger 3-2. These kids care even less about the final score than my daughter’s softball team. The only thing on their mind at the end of the game was what was in the snack bag. The snack bag is a big hit at the end of each game and it does seem some of the kids have more energy lining up for the snack bag than they do during the game. In any event it was great being on the sidelines during the game and life is wonderful.