There is Guilt

It is truly amazing the further away I get from my abstinence date the less I dwell on those faithful days. Yesterday did mark four years since my last bet and it seems all those “significant” dates are clustered. Thankfully these dates are indeed clustered because if they weren’t I would have much bigger problems. Yes, four years ago while the bottom was about to drop out I placed my last wager. It was on some insignificant professional basketball game and thankfully I lost those wagers. Had I not lost my abstinence date would have been another day because I wasn’t going to stop until all was lost. I did stop prior to the “ultimate” loss and I know if I were ever to venture into those shark infested waters I would get eaten alive. Recovery continues to save my life and incidentally yesterday a very dear friend who continues to be associated with the Gamblers Anonymous Program for over 40 years took the time to call me and congratulate me on my four years from the insanity. This is the tremendous part of the program having someone who has so much time in the program take the time to place the telephone ev

Four years has gone by so quickly and I realize at the very beginning I didn’t think it went fast enough. Now as I embrace each day in recovery I want the time to slow down. I know time is time and it goes faster and faster with each passing year but now really immersing myself in each day makes my life incredible. I had hoped when I first entered recovery that there was another side and I am starting to experience this other side with all my being. I wanted to know how I could recover and it was people like this dear friend with over 40 years in GA that continues to demonstrate this other side and so much more. Sure it took some catastrophic circumstances for me to come to my senses but these senses are awakened each and every day and I am eternally grateful.

I spoke with my wife several times yesterday to get updates on the day’s events. My daughter had her softball game very early which caused everyone to wake up very early. Things seem to go well as they arrived at the scheduled time. My daughter’s team didn’t fare too well losing and my daughter did strike out twice which is very unusual. She attributed this to being nervous and I can see getting the first game jitters. I am sure as the season progresses she will be her old self smacking the softball all over the field. She did have an opportunity to pitch and pitched one scoreless inning. I am not certain of the details because there were conflicting reports but it was confirmed the opposing team did not score when she was pitching.

As my daughter’s game ended there were some opening day festivities my family attended before heading over to my son’s baseball game. This is when most of my wife’s running around came in as she went from the softball field to the baseball field back to the softball field back to the baseball field and finally back to the softball field. Yes, that is a great deal of running around!!! My son had team pictures and afterwards his game commenced. It appears this “Kid pitch” is a whole different ball game as opposed to the “Machine pitch”. My wife told me there wasn’t as much hitting compared to the “Machine pitch” but my son seemed to have fun. He was the starting catcher and by all accounts caught very well. He struck out his first at bat but lined a single in his second and final at bat. His team was victorious winning 3-0 which is a far cry from those 18-14 games in the fall.

Their day was action packed and coupled with the fact that the temperature reached 82 degrees my wife came home with sunburn. I would have liked to be there but being in Colorado was very nice. I did miss my family and it did feel strange being with my sister and her family without my family. My older sister was without her family bur her children are older than mine and she seemed very happy for the respite. I guess I do feel a little guilty missing opening day because I missed those two years and I don’t want to miss anything else. The weekend in Colorado was great to see my sisters and mother but I really couldn’t help think about my family all weekend long.

This morning I went out for a run. I had hoped to meet up with my younger sister who just started running a few months ago. I thought it would be great running with my sister so I ventured out about an hour before my sister was scheduled to go running. The weather in the Denver area was very nice (I have to admit it was a bit too cold for me last night as the temperature dropped into the 20’s) as I started my run along a very nice trail near my sister’s house. I have run this trail before but the last time I ran I got a little lost coming back into her development. I thought I had my bearings down and understood her development much better. However; as I ran I just wanted to go a little further then a little further. The next thing I realized I was nowhere near where my sister would be running and I had lost my bearings. My one hour run turned into a two and a half hour run covering probably 19 hilly miles. This did feel great and running in the crisp cool weather along with the altitude made a nice change of pace from my normal treadmill running.

I apologized to my sister that I couldn’t make it back in time for her run and she understood. I told her what happened and she just smiled. It was a great run with a great view of the Rocky Mountains which are snow capped. The open space felt very good and it was a great start to the day. The next event on the schedule was a very nice brunch where we would celebrate my sister’s birthday. This was at a nearby hotel and it was one of those very fancy brunches. I couldn’t help but to think about my wife who appreciates these brunches much more than me. The food was very good and the choices plentiful even for my finicky palate. We had a great leisurely brunch and everyone had a wonderful time. I am so blessed to surrounded by such incredible people.