Best Intentions

Everything was complete for the morning and I intended to run a few miles after the PFT class. However, I was interrupted – or intercepted, I can’t quite figure out which one – prior to my first lap by a fellow inmate. He asked me if I would like to purchase some stamps for soups. I certainly don’t need any stamps, but I know the inmate has very little of anything and he was looking for some food. I decided to purchase (if you will the stamps for soups and he was very grateful). I have done this in the past for another inmate where I purchased some Advil even though I really didn’t need it. There is a big discrepancy with the inmate population because many of them don’t have anything so they “hustle” for food. I am somewhat selective with my so called generosity because there are more inmates without anything than with something and it would be impossible to help everyone out. I do only trade with those I know and believe aren’t trying to pull something over on me. Last week while I was walking to go back inside the dorm for lunch, an inmate whom I have never seen before approached me and tied to sell – trade – me a poem. Along with trying to sell the poem he told me a very long sad story about his plight. Which may well be true but sounded a little too rehearsed. In fact, I believe I have heard this tale before a few years ago when I was getting gas at a gas station and a total stranger approached me and asked for money to get home. Just like a few years ago, I told this inmate I didn’t have anything extra I could spare and he moved on to someone else. I try to keep my benevolence on the quiet side because I don’t want the word to get out because I will start to hear all kinds of sob stories. I am very fortunate because I have received two packages and have gone to the ‘store’. My locker is still full of food and when I go back to the ‘store’ this month I will spend much less than the $140.00 I spent last month. I have given some soups away to a few inmates but I can’t treat everyone. Sometimes I do feel badly when I say no, but I have to draw the line somewhere.

There is a particular dorm mate who is always asking me for something. The fact that he asked me in the first place had surprised me because he is of a different race. I have found out that there are rules that don’t apply to dorm living. This means what happens in the dorm stays in the dorm which is fine by me. I like this much better and it appears to work. This particular dorm mate has asked me for various things like coffee – which was an easy “no” because I don’t have any. Then it went to soups which I don’t mind parting with a few here and there. After that it went to razors which was a resounding “no”. They are very special to me and are also very expensive so I will not part with them as a give away. I most certainly told him “no” and for some reason I didn’t feel so bad. I actually felt kind of invigorated because I don’t need to please everyone. Finally, after the razors was the question of having something sweet to eat. The sweet items I have are oatmeal cookies and I decided to draw the line and just tell him no or he will keep coming back. This strategy appears to have worked because it has now been over a week and he hasn’t asked for anything.

I did help this dorm mate with a letter to a very important federal agency. It was very interesting because he showed me the letter and I made at least 12 corrections. After the corrections and prior to him changing it, he said to me. “The letter was pretty good, wasn’t it?”
I didn’t have the heart to tell him the letter was terrible so I said, “Yes, it was fine.” I am not positive what it is but many inmates including this one are always looking for affirmation. Maybe they have lacked positive reinforcement for so long they do crave it. This also maybe why just about all the inmates say, “You know what I mean?” constantly while they speak. This phrase still somewhat annoys me because I know one day I might slip and say, “No, I have no idea what you’re talking about because I don’t want to live my life that way.” Hopefully, I can bite my tongue for the next year or so because I am sure I would only get myself into trouble if I did say this.

Getting back to my intentions of running – as I was speaking with the inmate who was selling me soups, my friend started to talk to me. At this point there were only 45 minutes or so before the yard closed so I gave up trying to run and went with my friend towards the telephone. He had a telephone scheduled and he told me I could have the rest of his phone time if he could not get through. I thanked him and walked with him. While waiting I decided to sign up for a Friday morning telephone call instead of Friday night. My friend placed his call but could not get through so he gave me his phone time. I thought this might be the perfect time to call my dear friend whom I haven’t spoken to in almost 6 months. The call went to voice mail as I thought might happen since he is an extremely busy person and it was 11:00 am on a Wednesday. Oh, well hopefully I will be able to speak with him soon.

It was finally time to go to the dorm for lunch. Once again I was able to complete a bulk of my laundry which saves me time later. After completing the laundry I waited for the yard to open which never happened because one of dorms in the lower tier was being searched. I waited an hour before it was official in my eyes that there wouldn’t be a PFT class. I was looking forward to class because I wanted to get more exercise in. I started my afternoon hygiene ritual early and decided to indulge for lunch since there would be no protein drinks due to the yard being closed. I had soup and a tuna fish sandwich. Once lunch was finished I embarked on what I usually do which is to write. I was able to complete this blog and a letter to my wife. I try to send the blog out every Wednesday and Sunday. This extra time allowed me to compose everything prior to dinnertime. Normally I am writing when it is time to leave for the dining hall but I finished about an hour prior to dinner. I didn’t know what to do with myself for this hour and didn’t want to start anymore writing and I wasn’t in the mood to start a book as of yet. I walked over to the television area but it was Spanish TV time and I quickly exited. I lay down in my bunk and listened to news radio.

As I was listening to the news, a report regarding prisoners who have been released came on. Coincidence? Maybe or maybe not, but spooky nonetheless. Apparently a comprehensive study was conducted by a University on convicts who have been released from prisons all over the country. The study was fairly startling because when prisoners are released they have a very high rate of death within the first 2 weeks. The number one cause of death was drugs with over 70% attributed to drug overdoses. The second leading cause of death was heart failure followed by murder. The study went on to say many ex-convicts find it very difficult to assimilate to the free world and return to their drug use. I did think about this statement and can say from my point of view there is a great deal of truth to that statement. Like it or not prison life is very structured and regimented. Prison life is not nearly as structured as Military life but similarities do exist. I would like to see a similar study done on ex-military personnel and their causes of death – the results would be fascinating. Prisoners go from the structure of prison life to the chaos of life on the outside. I for one look forward to this chaos because I have the necessary tools to survive especially now that I am in recovery. However, there are many inmates who have no idea how to function on the outside and do return to their old ways of doing drugs.

I believe the problem is two fold – prison – especially here in California – is basically punitive. Yes, it should be punitive because it is punishment for committing a crime. However, there should be programs available to assist inmates in living in normal life free of addiction. Currently there are very limited programs available and I would be interested in seeing which states have the lowest recidivism rates and how they accomplish this. Two – there are some inmates who don’t want help and unfortunately all the programs in the world won’t help but no matter the fact that we live in the USA -there would be more emphasis on rehabilitation instead of sheer punishment. The timing of the report was very odd because as soon as I turned on the radio, the reporter started speaking about this – very strange indeed.

I went back to the dorm to wait for the evening yard to open. However, it never did because one of the inmates in the 300 man gym didn’t like what the President said when he talked about deploying more troops to Iraq. He took it upon himself to yank both televisions mounted from the ceiling about 8 feet high and destroyed both! Many of these inmates in the gym are on medication and the CO’s had to restrain the inmate and this closed the yard. The only time I go into the gym is when I go to the coach’s office. Each time I go in it reminds of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and I can’t get out of there fast enough. With this event occurring in the gym, I remained inside for the duration of the evening.

Governor Schwarzengger

It was once again back out into the yard for the afternoon PFT Plus session where the regular PFT class joined in. As was the case on Monday there were over 100 participants in the PFT Plus class. My job is titled PFT Instructor which means I “instruct” inmates who participate in the PFT and PFT Plus classes. Instructing can be performed in many ways such as completing the exercises alongside the participants. However, the most effective way to instruct is to not actually do the exercises rather watch the students perform the specific exercise and teach them the finer points. Many of my fellow instructors prefer doing the exercises so they can work out, I too am guilty of this on many occasions. However, as I have gained more experience and seniority I find it necessary to instruct on a one to one basis rather then exercising during the class. Also, it is pertinent that there are a few of the instructors walking around during the class doing the one to one instructing. The lead instructor always works out during the PFT Plus classes and many of the regular instructors follow his example. On the flip side to this I understand that there needs to be instructors truly instructing and when I see that no one appears to be doing this I fill the gap. I would certainly rather exercise, but that is not my job. When I exercise during the classes I am being selfish and that is not what the job is about nor is my life about. Selfishness brought me to this place and it won’t leave with me. I know I walked through the prison gates alone and I will walk out alone. I also understand I can only address myself in terms of my recovery. However; life is not about me it is about family, friends, and people. I don’t want to short-change anyone so I am here to help others get through the PFT class.

Yesterday afternoon I walked around the class with one other instructor and instructed the students. The inmates in the class do follow instruction and certainly want to pass the class in order to get to fire camp. Each inmate may have their own ideas about getting to a fire camp, I want to get to a fire camp because it brings me that much closer to my family and I believe I can be a productive member of society while there. It is a shame that many inmates have a negative type of motivation in order to reach fire camp because it is truly a golden opportunity. The California Prison System is much maligned for its severe overcrowding problems; however, the fire camp program maybe one of the best programs in the county afforded to prisoners and I for one feel very fortunate being placed in this program. When I finally arrive at fire camp I will be able to tell my children that their father is a firefighter for the California Department of Forestry not an inmate in the California Department of Corrections. It is very unfortunate this entire situation is being separated from my wife and children, however; I am making the best of it in everyway possible. I never considered being a firefighter even when my Dad (a former firefighter) asked me to take the firefighter’s examination 20 plus years ago but here I sit feeling very excited about becoming one. Life if filled with twists, turns, ups and downs which makes it extremely fascinating.

The PFT Plus class ended and so did my day. Now it was time for my daily trek to the pill call line. There are always some very interesting characters in this line and yesterday there was an inmate who recently had his jaw wired shut. He was in line behind me and he too was there to pick up a protein drink. In fact all of his food has been liquefied. He was carrying his lunch of liquefied bologna which he showed me. Surprisingly he was interested to see how it tastes. I was instantly horrified when I saw the liquid bologna, I guess to each his own! Incidentally this inmates jaw was wired shut do to an unfortunate accident not an act of malice which is good.

My afternoon ritual was in full force yesterday as I did laundry, shaved, showered and wrote. As I was writing, Governor Schwarzenegger was delivering the State of the State address for California and many of my dorm mates were watching. I was summoned to watch it as well. Many of my dorm mates thought the Governor was going to mention the prison system. I have detailed all the rumors which fly around here dealing with the Federal government, C/O Union, Governor Schwarzenegger and prison overcrowding. I had my doubts that he would mention anything regarding prisons. My thought process was as an average taxpayer who could care less about prisons. Now of course my thought process has changed 180 degrees and I am very interested about prison overcrowding reform because I am part of the system. A few minutes prior to the speech I tried to convey to my dormitory to not be surprised if the Governor says nothing about prison because the average taxpayer doesn’t care what happens in these four walls and the average taxpayer/voter makes up the majority of the population. I sounded fairly intelligent (I am not sure how?) when I said this but five minutes into the speech Governor Schwarzenegger did mention prison reform. It was typical political speech because he said a great deal but mentioned no specifics. Apparently on December 21st the Governor and a few State Assembly people introduced legislation regarding prison and judicial reform. I have no idea what lies in the substance of this legislation because the Governor mentioned no specifics. He did use the words “crisis”, “dangerous”, and “criminals” during his speech. He also mentioned building more prisons; however, fell short on how the current prison overcrowding crisis will be remedied. His plan is a long-term plan and does make sense; however, according to the Federal Courts the Governor does not have the luxury of time in order to properly address the prison overcrowding. When the Governor finished speaking about prisons he went on to another topic and the channel was quickly changed. There was much talk and speculation regarding the Governor’s speech and I even added my two cents. My feeling is the Governor will back whatever is in the piece of legislation he spoke about as a long-term solution and the Federal Court will decide what to do with the 73,000 inmates who make-up the overcrowding prison population. I told my dorm mates no politician who has high political aspiration (such as Governor Schwarzenegger) wants to be the one who releases 73,000 (no matter their crimes) back into society prior to their sentences being served. This is just not sound political strategy. The Federal Courts will decided come June and whether they grant early releases is a mystery to me. So for now I told my dorm mates it is “normal program” and just concentrate on your release dates as it stands now. This is exactly what I am doing. Once I arrive at fire camp I will be given a new release date (most likely sometime in February of next year) and will look forward to that day. If the Courts decide to grant early releases (with no strings attached) prior to my release date great if not so be it. I do know my term will end and whenever it ends I will be reunited with my family which is all that matters to me.

The morning was more of the same as the rest of this week. Early breakfast was the one of the week where I received cold instead of hot cereal which was corn flakes. I do have a sneaking suspicion that by the time I am released I will have a new found appreciation for the taste of food. Then it was on to start the PFT class. I did get to lead the power walk and my pace was perfect. What a difference a month makes and it all comes down to relaxing. The class went well but I found myself getting a little agitated at one of the instructors because he wasn’t doing very much and I was covering for him. I certainly don’t get overly excited or confrontational, I did find a way for it to work and it did. However; it was some what frustrating which is why I needed to let it go. I did take the day off from any additional running because I should cover another 5 miles walking tonight. Finally my face has never been so tan in my life. I do have a typical “farmers tan” but at least I look healthy and most importantly I feel healthy. Once again this bad situation is working out for the best.

Full Pack

The afternoon yesterday went rather quickly even though I did not do a whole lot of anything. The PFT Plus class contained the regular PFT class and there were over 100 inmates participating in the class. The entire basketball court was filled with inmates. Usually I exercise during class but there needed to be an instructor. I am in no position to tell any of my fellow instructors what to do and for some reason the lead instructor is reluctant to assign instructors to specific tasks so I took it upon myself to walk around the class and instruct the students.

The Coach appears to be working the PFT class very hard. There are many rumors as to why he is working them so hard but none can be substantiated. The Coach is very demanding and will ensure that those students who pass the class are indeed in physical shape for fire camp. Many inmates in the class ask me if they will fail the entire class if they can’t perform a certain exercise. My response to them is always the same, the Coach won’t fail anyone for trying during the class, he doesn’t appreciate it when students quit on a specific exercise, there is a big difference between quitting and doing your best, you can never go wrong doing your best. When the class was completed I hurried over to the pill call line in order to get my protein drinks. I received the drinks where I once again consumed them at the window.

Once again I remained in the dormitory instead of attending dinner. Yesterday was not nearly as peaceful as on Sunday. A few more of my dorm mates stayed behind as well because they too weren’t interested in the filet o fish sandwich. Had I gone to dinner I would have received a double portion of macaroni and cheese which is something I have not eaten in a very long time. I made myself a soup and put peanut butter in it. Sure this sounds disgusting but I was assured by many of my fellow instructors that the soup does taste very good. I decided to trust them and made the Top Ramen soup with a melted peanut butter packet. Much to my surprise the soup tasted very good.

Last night was once again evening yard and now I am quite enjoying going out for walks in the evening. I covered 2 miles prior to placing a telephone call to my wife. I am on a little roll with the telephone so I will not look a gift horse in the mouth! I placed the telephone call and was able to get through. I not only spoke with my wife, I did speak with my 8 year old daughter. In spite of the late hour on the East Coast my daughter was still awake. She was not awake do to her inability to fall asleep rather she was just returning from seeing “High School Musical” with her Aunt (my sister) and cousin. My family is in a very good place at this point and not only are they surrounded with love and support they are certainly making the best of this situation. From my limited understanding “High School Musical” is one of the hottest shows in the country and it is produced by Disney. I am ecstatic my daughter was given the opportunity to see the show. She sounded as if she really enjoyed it immensely. I asked her what her favorite part of the show was and she replied “I didn’t really have a favorite part I liked all of it.” It does warm my heart to know my family is in a place where I don’t have to worry too much about them. According to my wife and my mother I am not allowed to worry about my family. Although I do have some concerns I do know they are making the best of everything in New Jersey and a perfect example of this is my daughter experiencing “High School Musical” with her Aunt and cousin. I continue to count the many blessings in my life which certainly include all aspects of my family. I love speaking with my daughter because she is a wonderful conversationalist. She speaks so well and I especially like when she says, “I love you and miss you” as she says goodbye. I also spoke with my wife regarding the family visit now that I have completed filling out the menu. It seemed I had to order one of everything because of my “screwy” eating habits and my wife’s normal eating habits. We certainly should not go hungry and it will be very interesting to see the kitchen because the food available on the menu needs to be prepared in something larger than a kitchenette. Now the issue of the food has been submitted I will wait for the date of the visit. I understand I will receive one date which is hopefully convenient for my wife. Our children’s birthdays are fast approaching next month and hopefully the family visit will take place after their birthdays, it should.

After the telephone call I did not sign up for another call, I decided to give it a rest until Friday. I walked with my friend who was in a better walking mood than he was on Saturday evening. As we walked my friend profusely thanked me for my wife calling his girlfriend regarding an issue. My friend was genuinely appreciative for that telephone call and I too was very appreciative for my wife to make the telephone call to a total stranger, my wife is an extraordinary person and I love her so much. We also talked about becoming a facilitator at fire camp. I had no idea what this was until my friend explained; a facilitator is a volunteer position at fire camp which helps inmates with their pre-release program. This program helps the inmates who will be released on parole in various ways. It helps them secure drivers licenses, prepare resumes and to apply for educational grants and or loans. The facilitators do not teach the material rather facilitate the class which is presented on video tape. It sounds like a very good program and something I would be very interested in because it helps others which in turn helps me. I was able to secure an application and will submit it this week. This is another way for me to get to a fire camp of my choosing but more importantly this position is very positive. I continue to learn a great deal from my friend and he has yet to steer me in the wrong direction. When I think about it there is a divine plan because believe it or not things are working out very well.

The evening yard was over and it was time to head to the dormitory. I tried to finish my book but was too tired. I did fall fast asleep for a few hours but I did wake up in the middle of the night. A few of my dorm mates were having very restless nights and woke me up with their movements. The funny thing about being in prison and the same goes for life on the outside world if you want to find trouble you will find it no matter where you are. Thankfully, I have no desire for trouble and do everything to stay positive in both my beliefs and actions. However, there are a few inmates who do not share this attitude and so find trouble. Some of this trouble was happening last night which woke me up a few times. I won’t dwell on this so I will be brief and just say it is very sad.

I finally awoke at my normal time and got ready for my day. Last night I had received a ducat for the “reclassification hearing” which I wrote about a few days ago. The hearing would take place at 8:00 am which was in conflict of my job. I certainly wanted to do my job but know this was an important day. I wasn’t sure if I could attend the hearing in my instructor uniform of sweats so I had to take my “blues” with me just in case. I did see the clerk who works in the counselor’s trailer. We know each other so when I spotted him walking I went up to him and asked him if I could go to my hearing in my uniform. He replied, “Yes, but you may not even have to attend the hearing, let me ask your counselor if you need to be there.” He then instructed me to come back in 15 minutes. I went back 15 minutes later and he informed me that there was no need for me to attend. This was good because it meant I could get my morning “miles” in during the class. It was also good because my “full pack” status was becoming a reality and I would now be eligible for fire camp. Finally he told me to come back this afternoon and he would let me know what happened. I did go back earlier this afternoon and it was official I am now Full Packed for fire camp. Of course this is great news but I have become somewhat guarded when it comes to good news especially when other steps are involved. The next step for me is to be in a PFT class as a student/instructor and when this happens I will feel a great deal better. However; for now this is good news.

This is a little off the subject matter but something unfortunate happened with one of the PFT Instructors. All of us go to early breakfast so we can start the class by 7:15 am. This particular instructor has a habit of going to breakfast and dinner twice. As I have mentioned there are two dining halls. At early breakfast it doesn’t matter which dining hall we enter but we are only allowed to go once. Also the instructors stand out because there are only 9 of us dressed in maroon. Well this particular instructor thought he could get two breakfasts and as he was entering the second dining hall a Sergeant recognized him from the other dining hall and stopped him. The Sergeant confiscated his ID card while informing he needed to get another job because he was going to tell the Coach of this infraction. Incidentally unbeknownst to the Lead Instructor who also spotted the instructor trying for the second breakfast, he said I hope the Coach doesn’t find out about this. Well, the Sergeant was kind enough to bring this to the Coach’s attention and the Coach is a stickler for the rules - promptly fired the Instructor, no second chances, no warnings, no discussion, it was over for him. Fortunately, for this instructor he is also a student in the class and would have been finished as an instructor next week. He is a good guy and a good instructor, he just got greedy. I did tell him this before the Coach fired him to which the Lead Instructor told me I was “mean”. I guess I need to temper the things on my mind with the things I think people want to hear; it certainly is a work in progress. Nevertheless he took my comment very well as he did the firing. On the bright side for me (I think this is a bit selfish!) I get to do more pacing in the class now that he is no longer an instructor, sorry!

It was a gorgeous day with bright sunshine and temperatures in the 60’s. I had a great workout and got a very good sweat. As I started the Harvard Wall there was another inmate close to where I was doing the exercise. I could tell he was trying to keep up with my pace and he was doing a good job but after 10 minutes he stopped and just put his arms up in the air while he walked away. About 30 minutes later he came back and looked at me with astonishment and he asked me how long I was going for. I told him I was going to do over an hour, at this he just shook his head and uttered something in Spanish. Then he walked away with a smile on his face. I have no idea what he was thinking, but I do know I get to do something I enjoy to do which is exercising everyday. It would be nice to think my exercising habits are rubbing off on others, however, I do know it helps me every day which is what matters most.

Solitude

I woke up this morning after a quasi-restful sleep at the usual time of 5:00 am. I stayed in my bunk until 6:15 am because there was nowhere for me to go being a Sunday. I believe I have now come up with a routine weekend program and it does involve listening to the radio until it is time to go to breakfast. The rice cereal was very good. I didn’t sit with the usual table mate because he stayed back in the dorm. I finished well before my dorm mate but was considerate and waited. As we walked back to the dormitory we spotted four deer on the hillside behind the prison. Normally there are cows on this hillside but we spotted a family of deer sitting beneath a tree resting. It was a very peaceful scene and provided a few minutes of not thinking about my current surroundings. It is very fortunate this hillside is visible from the yard because I do know the outside world does exist. There is sometimes when I do get caught up in the “four walls” of confinement but when I look at the hillside it gives me some piece of mind. Seeing the deer family sitting lazily in the grass was a wonderful sight even though it was a small moment, I had a smile on my face after seeing it.

Once back at the dorm I decided to start writing as soon as I arrived at my bunk. I did want to watch the early NFL Playoff game between the New England Patriots and New York Jets. I was indeed finished writing at the start of the game. I joined a few of my dorm mates in the television area where I watched the first half of the game. Usually, I take one of the weekend days off from exercising, however; the weather was much too nice to sit inside and watch football. I decided to go out for the afternoon yard and exercise even though it should have been a day off. I wasn’t exactly sure what type of exercise I wanted to do since I ran 11 miles the day before. I knew I was not going to run because it is a rarity that I run two consecutive days in a row.

Once I was outside I decided to do the Super PFT Plus routine. After finishing the exercise routine I headed over to the pill call line in order to pick up the protein drinks. I was happy to receive the drinks for the 4th day in a row. The only negative about receiving these drinks is I must consume both cans at the window. The C/O takes my identification card and doesn’t give it back until the cans are empty. I believe this is a security issue which ensures I am the one consuming the protein drinks and not giving them away. I will have to figure out a game plan because I cannot envision myself running significant miles after consuming the protein drinks. Yesterday I somehow managed to do almost an hour on the Harvard Wall but it was much more difficult than normal do to the protein drinks.

While I was doing the Harvard Wall exercise a few other inmates started doing the same exercise very near to where I was doing mine. I have never understood this concept because even when I worked out in a Health Club there could be 18 empty stationary bikes while I worked out on the 19th bike and invariably someone would choose the cycle adjacent to mine. This is exactly what happened yesterday afternoon. Oh well, they only stayed a few minutes and were gone so I had the entire wall to myself. When I finished I did catch the next unlock and headed back into the dormitory. As I arrived back into the dorm the New York Giants/Philadelphia Eagles NFL Playoff game was on the television. Due to my compulsive gambling over the course of my adult life I had no favorite teams but now I that I am in recovery and the fact that my 5 year old son is now following football I must say the New York Giants are a favorite of mine. Especially since my son received a Tiki Barber jersey for Christmas. I showered and washed my clothes and came back for the second half. It was unfortunate because my son’s (and mine) team did lose in a very close game. Once again it was very nice to watch a game I had no desire to know what the point spread was nor did the game have a bearing on my financial well being. I watched the game as a fan and it would have been good if the Giants won but life will go on and there is always next year.

It was time for dinner and I decided not to go to the Cheeseburger dinner. It appeared I would only get cheese not peanut butter since there weren’t any beans on the menu. My dorm mates tried to convince me to go since there some type of ice cream on the menu for dessert. I respectively declined. The entire dorm with the exception of 2 others went to the dining hall for dinner. I stayed back and cooked rice and beans. While they were cooking and practically all of my dorm mates were at dinner I enjoyed 20 minutes of solitude. I entered the television area and for the first time in my prison history I changed the channel on the television. I changed it to the World News since I haven’t watched this in a very long time. I enjoyed the broadcast and the peacefulness. It was the best 20 minutes I have had in almost 6 months.

The solitude was over when my dorm mates returned from dinner. I quickly exited the television area and went back to my bunk. The rice and beans were almost ready and I ate them at my bunk. After washing my dishes I decided to finally read my book “Cold Case”. Somehow I did get through almost all of it. Currently I only have 60 pages left to read. It was fast approaching 10:00 pm which meant “lights out” for me. I have some kind of bad streak with sleeping because I keep waking up in the middle of the night wide awake. I woke up at 2:30 am but settled down to fall asleep shortly thereafter. I did wake up at 5:00 am where I got out of my bunk to start the day.

The weekend was over which is always good and this morning was the continuation of the PFT class. I do enjoy the early start to the day by going to breakfast at 6:30 am and starting the PFT class at 7:15 am. The PFT class was commencing on the basketball court and once again I have been tasked as the lead instructor for my group. I do enjoy this because I like being in-charge even though it is a very small role. Unfortunately, I cannot take the lead or back pace since I have 2 of the student/instructors on my team and the Coach made it clear they must take these positions during the walks and runs. I did assign those instructors their roles and had a few other “in-charge” duties. This being only the second day of the class, we only covered 6 miles walking and running. The class does get progressively more difficult as the days go by. I found myself doing practically all of the cadence calls because the fellow instructors on my team were somewhat silent. A few hours later the class ended and the PFT Plus class started. I exercised in the PFT Plus class but I needed more miles under my belt. I ran 5 miles on my own which gave me a total of 11 miles. The morning went by so fast and it was time to come back to the dorm for the lunch break. Of course, I didn’t eat much but I was able to wash some of my clothes as the weather got warmer as the day progressed. I was able to wash the thermal and undershirt prior to the afternoon session which meant I had much less to wash later on.

Changing It Up Slightly

My biggest challenge since starting my job as PFT instructor has been the weekends because I am allowed out only once during the day and once at night. I am making the best of it. Last week I was very fortunate to receive an incredible visit from my two wonderful friends. This will likely be my last visit until my wife comes for our family visit.

I made it one full day without consuming any peanut butter. Once I consumed my tuna fish and mustard sandwich, I embarked on my writing. This took up most of the afternoon. When I was finished I could either read or venture into the television area and watch the NFL playoff game. I am having a difficult time getting into my current novel COLD CASE by Stephen White. The storyline is very good but there is a whole host for background which seems to delay the storytelling process. The book is taking me twice as long to read and I find my mind drifting as I read. So I decided to wander into the television area and watch the football game. My fellow dorm mates were just watching the game with no “fan interest” in any of the teams. There weren’t any obvious rootings going on like there is when certain teams play. This was a good way to kill a few hours on a Saturday afternoon. I better enjoy it while I can because next week I won’t be so fortunate because the San Diego Chargers are playing.

This team is a huge “fan favorite” of my dorm mates and quite frankly watching their games is not enjoyable. From my fan perspective the Chargers are having a great season and I certainly don’t mind them; however, the obnoxious rooting by my dorm mates has made me secretly root against them. I know this is petty and in the grand scheme of things means absolutely nothing. However, the rooting during the Charger games is beyond fun and I believe some of my dorm mates believe the earth will stop rotating if the Chargers lose.

After dinner I walked a few laps when I saw my friend who was not exactly enthused about walking last night. He wanted to take the night off, but I sort of “twisted his arm” and he joined me in a few laps. We had a very good conversation and when he was supposed to make a phone call, he believed he wouldn’t be able to get through. I asked if I could use his time and he replied, “Of course.” I had 11 minutes to use to call my wife. If having a 15 minute phone call seemed fast, having the 11 minute phone call was like lightening! I was able to inform my her about the family visit and the reclassification hearing. She also informed me of some good news regarding one of my “consequences” I have burdened her with.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to speak to my daughter who was still up at that time (10:55). She has been having difficulty sleeping lately. My wife didn’t go into detail because the telephone call was ending. I certainly would have loved to speak to her regarding why she is having problems sleeping but I couldn’t. This is not unusual for my daughter because in the past she has had difficulty, also. She is an 8 year old going on a 50 year old worrier. She worries about many things and I couldn’t venture to guess what is on her mind now. I am positive my wife will calm any fears my daughter has because she has done an exceptional job with her over the years. Upon hearing all this, I thought how wonderful it would be if I could kneel down at my daughter’s bed and speak with her. We have had some great conversations in the past and based on how well her speaking skills have advanced over the past 6 months, I am positive it would have been a great face to face conversation.

My wife and I ended the telephone call with something we haven’t discussed in six months. The strain I put on her can be felt in so many ways and is not limited to physical, mental, financial, and emotional. It is all of these things and many more. She is doing a remarkable job providing some sense of normalcy to our children. Also, our surrounding family is also providing the emotional resources necessary to endure this situation. Unfortunately, sitting here on my bunk some 3000 miles away, there is little I can do. Also, I must continue to recover so I have the tools necessary to repair what I have destroyed. As I mentioned the time I lost is gone forever but in recovery I can gain everything back. This is not an overnight project, it is a lifetime event which requires consistent effort on my part and can only be accomplished one day at a time. The days are adding up rather quickly and there is no sense in looking back. As long as I treat each day in the here and now everything is great.

Upon hanging up, the inmate I was walking with decided to call it a night. I continued to walk by myself. Halfway around the track I heard footsteps behind me. I instantly knew the sound of those footsteps because there is only one inmate who walks as fast as me on the entire yard. It was the lead instructor who joined me and we talked. I have never met someone who is so committed to exercise as this person. During the instructors “OFF” days his workouts are legendary. He has certainly made good use of his time here and he has certainly made good use of exercising without the aid of weights and other equipment. He’s a few years older than me and is in phenomenal shape. Unfortunately, for him he has another 3 ½ years to go on his sentence. Oddly enough he is not allowed to attend fire camp due to the nature of his crimes. He is appealing the decision and should know in a few months. Unlike my sentence which provides a further reduction when I arrive at fire camp, his sentence prohibits further reduction and he must serve the remaining term. If there is one inmate who should go to fire camp, he is the one. I am not privy to the specifics of his charges, but whatever they are it is apparent at least to me he has devoted his time here to rehabilitate himself mentally and physically. It is unfortunate because from what I have seen at least in my case, I am judged by a piece of paper which is presented to a commission. That piece of paper had a typo on it and it took 2 months to get that cleared up. That paper cleared me for fire camp and not once was I judged personally nor was the entire background presented.

Now I can only imagine what the lead instructor is going through because he has spent the last 3 ½ years getting himself better and he did this all on his own. His papers will be presented to a committee in a few months and he will be judged on them instead of what he has been doing currently. There are other inmates who are allowed to go to fire camp, yet that is like a joke and they eventually get thrown out for various reasons and sent back here. Based on what I have seen of this lead instructor, he will be an asset to a camp. Needless to say we had a very good conversation as we walked before he made his telephone call. He was telling me some things which were weighing on his mind and as I apt to do I told him what he wanted to hear. In the past I told people what they wanted to hear and this is one of my character defects. Over the past 2 years I have gotten better and now I am selective with my comments. Last night was an opportunity for me to “tell it like it is” but I didn’t feel it was appropriate. However, I was sort of kicking myself later when I thought about the conversation. I guess there is a fine line between being brutally honest and commiserating with someone. I do need to work on this and will be very mindful as I move ahead.

It was a very good evening because I was able to obtain the protein drinks for the third day in a row. Also, I walked 5 miles in total with 3 different people. The last laps were with a fellow instructor who gave me some very good advice in getting to fire camp quickly. I will follow this when the time comes. Yesterday was not a bad day for a Saturday and even though another marble came out of the jar, I am making the best of the marbles, FINALLY!

Reclass Notification

Yesterday there was another coach assisting our coach during the class. This other coach came from the level 1 yard and I presume she will be assisting the coach throughout the entire 9 day class. This coach was wearing very stylish running shoes and during a down moment before class started I asked her if they were trail running shoes or hiking shoes. She rather abruptly responded, “They are just shoes.” That comment ended the conversation because based on those four words she had no desire to communicate with me. I certainly didn’t press the situation and simply moved on to speak with a fellow instructor. No matter what my position in life was prior to arriving in prison, I am just another inmate and treated accordingly. I have been somewhat spoiled by our coach because he treats all the instructors with dignity and respect. Unfortunately, not many others share these feelings when it comes to the inmates. That very small conversation was yet another reminder to me as to my current status as an inmate. This is something I have come to accept and sometimes the reality does hit hard especially in circumstances such as this one; however, it is all part of my punishment.

The concept is very simple – steal and get punished. I stole no matter the reason and now I am being punished. Somewhere down the line, the punishment will cease and I will be allowed to live a life in freedom. It is entirely up to me how I live my life and I will live it with a very positive purpose one day at a time. I certainly believe I will be the exception to the recidivism rule and will not return to the prison system. I made a very large mistake and I do know the root cause of this mistake which was my compulsive gambling addiction. It is with the utmost urgency that I stay in recovery for a lifetime or the chances of coming back to a place like this are very high and there is certainly something worse which could happen. I have thrown away 2 years from my family due to my addiction and I am determined not to throw away anymore time from my family and myself. The only way to ensure this is to stay in recovery which I will.

I certainly don’t appreciate the way the other coach treated me yesterday; however, it is a by product of the incarceration. Some believe – not all people – that because I did something bad that I am a bad person. This is their view and I can’t change the way people think. I know I am not a bad person much like many of my fellow inmates. People make mistakes (some bigger than others) which I certainly did but this does not define me as a person. I know I am already a better person than I was 2 years ago and each day I try to do better. I believe there will many more moments like the one yesterday with the other coach but I will take it with my head held high and with dignity. Life goes on.

Prior to going inside, I was fortunate to be able to pick up my protein drink for the second day in a row. I will be able to pick them up 6 days a week and cut back on the PB&J sandwiches! I will need to monitor my eating habits because I can see myself actually losing weight by taking the protein drinks because I will eat very little of anything else. I have to remind myself to eat because of my screwy brain!

Every Sunday and Friday, a full length movie is shown on the prison channel. I had no desire to watch for two reasons – it was too late because “this old guy” turns in at this hour and the movie FACT AND FURIOUS – TOKYKO DRIFT looked awful. So I decided to call it a night. Again, for the third night in a row I was awake at 3:00 am. I observed my neighbor have a fight with himself as he was sleeping. He had his blankets pulled over his head (by the way this appears to be the preferred method of sleeping with many of my dorm mates, not me) and I watched him throw his arms as if he were punching someone. He was also kicking with his legs. It was somewhat fascinating because it lasted a good 5 minutes. I asked him this morning if he was dreaming about fighting. He said, “No,” then I proceeded to tell him what I witnessed. He laughed when he heard about his strange actions.

A little after 7:00 am, I went to the French toast breakfast but there was clearly no need for me to attend since all I had was the hot cereal which tasted and looked like dirty dishwater. I gave away the French toast to my “rapid eating tablemate”. I had no problem keeping up with him this morning because all I ate was the hot cereal. We were the first ones back in the dorm at 7:15 which included the 5 minute walk to and from the dining hall – that was fast!

Most of my dorm mates stayed inside this morning which meant a very short line for the shower. The wait was so short I let one of my neighbors in before me while I headed to the bathroom sink to wash my clothes. Yes, I had to wash my sweatshirt which was all sweaty and I didn’t want to experience the smell! As I was combing my hair I realized I needed a haircut since it has been 6 months ago that I had my “2 year cut” where my hair has been cut as short as it has ever been. Sometime this week I will get my hair cut from the barbershop on the yard which probably uses just electric razors and does not have access to scissors. Not many of my fellow inmates have hair like mine. In fact not many of my fellow inmates have hair!

Finally, last night I received a notice which was extremely positive. Actually, I received two “jail mails” (prison inter office mail) both positive. The first one was regarding my family visit with my wife. I received the “menu” which really is a shopping list which contains items such as milk, bread, eggs, chicken, etc. I need to fill this out and return it in 15 days and once it is processed I will receive the date for my family visit. I was very surprised to see veggie burgers on the menu. The food selection process is very easy for me because there are only a handful of items on the menu that I eat. Whereas my wife, who is much less pickier than me has a variety of items to choose from. I will have to make the choices for her because I want to submit this list as soon as possible and I won’t speak with her until Monday. Well, now that I think about it waiting one more day maybe a good idea so I will ask what she would like. The other “jail mail” was regarding my reclassification notice that takes place on Tuesday. This is the next official step in getting to a fire camp. It appears my counselor does indeed have all the necessary paperwork for me to attend a fire camp. The reclassification hearing SHOULD grant me full fire camp status on Tuesday. I say should because I have learned not to take anything for granted in a place like this because anything can happen so I remain cautiously optimistic.

Cycle Starts Again

Yesterday was not a total loss because after my “homemade” meal of pasta with vegetables prepared in the hot pot, I ventured outside for the evening yard for a telephone call to my mom and to walk a few laps. I was able to accomplish both without incident. I spoke with my mom for the brief 15 minutes and this time I was out of sorts. I haven’t quite been myself all week, and my mom came up with a very good reason. As we were talking, I told her about my irritable mood this week and said maybe I was holding in all my emotions last week during the holiday and now these emotions are seeping out. She is correct because during the Christmas Holiday I was so focused on getting through without falling into a depression. I was successful because I made it through the week, but I think I forgot the fact that no matter what, I am still here even though Christmas was over.

My focus was solely on the very family Holiday of Christmas and I thought once I got through it I would be fine. I most certainly repressed a great deal of feelings last week and now they are coming out in different ways. Most notably, I am very moody and many of the little things are starting to bother me. For instance, last night as I was walking around the track I noticed that 98% of the inmates would spit onto the track. I know this is inconsequential in every aspect of my life but it was bothering me last night. I guess it has bothered me for sometime but I just ignored it. Thankfully, I didn’t say anything to anyone who was spitting because that would certainly do me no good, but I couldn’t believe how many inmates were doing this. I do wonder what causes this phenomenon because I never spit even when I am working out intensely. As I mentioned this really shouldn’t bother me and I know it. Also, part of my irritability could be due to the fact that I have been here 11 weeks which is one week longer than my previous stop. I must be mindful that even though my sentence of 2 years is not that long, I cannot allow my mind to skip ahead to when my time is served. The fact of the matter is I currently have 18 plus months to serve (less than when I arrive at a fire camp). Over the course of the next 18 months is another Christmas and other significant dates in the lives of my family. No matter what I think I will miss those dates while serving my time. The key for me is to treat everyday the same no matter what. Christmas Day is no different than an April 8th or a June 3rd and the only way for me to serve my sentence is one day at a time. I do realize I am repeating myself; however, it is very important for me to consistently remind myself. Somewhere along the line I will snap out of this funk, but I am very happy my mom pointed this out.

I had a very good conversation with her and as always my mom always comes up with some very good ideas. She proposed one of these ideas last night regarding 12 step meetings. She suggested that I start a meeting with a fellow inmate. Of course this is a very good idea; however, I am not sure if I am ready for this responsibility. My current position of PFT instructor makes me sort of the “go to” inmate on the yard regarding anything associated with PFT. In effect, I have become an answer man. Most times I don’t mind this, in fact I rather enjoy it. However, if I were to add the responsibility of holding a 12 step meeting to my duties, I may be overextending myself. I do understand my recovery is the most important aspect of my life which is why I practice the principles of the GA Program (sans meetings) each and everyday. I would love to attend a weekly GA meeting that would be dedicated to recovery. I am very fortunate because I have so many wonderful friends in the GA Program who write to me very regularly and these letters are meetings themselves. There is no replacement for a live meeting; however, my recovery is working very well at the present time so I won’t change anything at this point. Hopefully, when I get transferred to the fire camp in Southern California near where my friends live, my weekend visits can turn into GA meetings. No matter what happens I do know I am on the correct path and when my sentence is served, I will become an active GA member once again. The Program has saved my life and I will not turn my back on this Program with these magnificent people.

The telephone call with my Mom ended quickly but she did have one more good suggestion. She said I should write a few anecdotes regarding my fellow inmates and these should be funny. A few minutes before I wrote this sentence, there was a big commotion in my dorm as many of my dorm mates were looking out the window. I stood up and wondered what they were looking at. Out the window into the yard an inmate – rather portly I might add - was returning to his dorm form the dining hall. For some unknown reason this inmate decided to run full speed and dive into a huge mud puddle located near the softball field. This inmate was successful if his intent was to entertain everyone because all of my dorm mates including me let out a very large laugh. When the inmate got up from his “dive” he was covered with mud from head to toe. As he got up he sprinted back to his dorm hopefully to take a shower. I wonder if he will wash his clothes in the sink tonight? You certainly won’t catch me doing any mud dives for the simple fact I hate washing my clothes in the sink! I’m not sure if this anecdote was what my mother had in mind, but it is a start.

There is something I would like to add about my fellow inmates. I have touched on this a few previous times. The language they use is very foreign to me. I did notice many similarities in the language my fellow inmates use and the music – which is not really music, but rap – they listen to. I believe if anyone is interested in learning the language used inside the prison they should listen to any Gangster Rap CD. I would like to offer the names of these rappers, but I have no idea who they are but was amazed at the similarities in speech.

Once again I woke up wide-awake at 3:00 am. I lay in my bunk and listened to my fellow inmates snore. I am very fortunate because the heavy snorers are located at the other end of the dorm. I did my best to keep my mind from wandering and did a good job. I was able to fall back to sleep as I was thinking about the upcoming day. Today was either the first day of a new PFT class or the last day from the previous one. No matter, I was looking forward to starting another cycle.

Writing And Resting

After the PFT Plus class, the coach had a critiquing session. He critiqued and praised all the instructors. He has a pet peeve with doing jumping jacks incorrectly. My shoulders needed to touch my ears as I brought my arms over my head. He praised each and every one of us as to our fitness level. I am very fortunate to have the position of instructor.

When the session ended, I headed for the pill call line. But this time instead of waiting 30 minutes, I asked if there was any protein drink available and were told they were still out. Also, I needed to make my way to the telephone to make a call. I was going to call my very good friend but I recently received a letter from him and he was not available yesterday afternoon. I thought I should call my wife and inform her I finally received all the paperwork necessary for my full fire camp clearance. I called at this time so I could speak with my daughter and son. When I call at night, it’s too late for me to talk to them because they are sleeping. It was just so wonderful to speak with my children. My son is such a happy boy and I can’t help but to smile while I speak with him. My daughter is equally as happy but she is much more loquacious than my son. She asked me if Santa said hello. “Of course,” I replied to which she beamed “I knew it!” My daughter is 8 years old soon to be 9 in a few weeks, and she is reaching the precarious stage of whether she believes in Santa or not. She told her grandmother (my mom) prior to Christmas that she had her doubts about Santa, but as Christmas arrived, my daughter quickly affirmed her belief. Based on our conversation yesterday, there is no doubt in my mind she still believes. She was so happy Santa told me hello, I am sure it made her day. Also, we will both look for the North Star on Saturday and when we see it, we will think about each other. These are truly special moments and I am so blessed with an incredible family. Everything is working out very well. Once again my telephone call ended very quickly and I said good-bye and I love you to my wife.

Once the call was over I decided to work out until the yard closed at 4:00 pm. The good part about the workout was that I got to wear shorts and a tee shirt which meant less clothes to wash. It makes a huge difference when I don’t have to wash sweatshirts or sweatpants; this saves at least 20 minutes of doing laundry. I know I sound like a broken record by now but doing my laundry in the sink is the worst part of the day. Speaking of laundry, one of my laundry bags was lost and I had to fill out a “shortage slip”. The only issue for me is that all of my undershirts were in the laundry bag and I have become accustomed to wearing an undershirt to sleep. I really don’t like exposing any part of my body in this environment and if I weren’t so uncomfortable, I would wear my socks to sleep. One more day and I will have my tee shirts so I can rest easily.

My entire day was pushed back so last night I did my writing most of the evening. I started another novel COLD CASE by Stephen White. I only read a few pages before falling asleep. I am so thankful to be physically tired at night so I don’t have any problems falling asleep. Sometimes I wake up at 3:30 am which is very dangerous because my mind starts to wander and I can’t seem to turn it off. This was the case this morning and it took me an hour to fall back to sleep. No matter how hard I try there are times – not often thankfully - where my mind drifts to my lovely family and how much I miss them. It has been awhile since this has happened and I do try my best to re-focus. I am sure it will happen again but I will be fine. I finally fell asleep only to wake up shortly thereafter. As I woke up I looked outside to the pouring rain. It appeared that the forecast was correct which meant no work or exercise for me.

After eating some cold cereal for breakfast (which was not enough because I was still hungry) I went back to the dorm and started writing the first of five letters. Even though it was still raining the yard normally opens. I needed to see my counselor regarding the paperwork and the family visit. Also, two weeks ago my counselor told me to come back today and he would have all the necessary answers. Communication to us is not a strong suit of the prison officials - maybe this is by design. The unlock came and along with 3 other of my dorm mates I ventured over to the counselor’s trailer. When we arrived there we saw a sign which read CLOSED. Thursdays are the only day of the week all the inmates can see their counselors and it is called an Open-line. Any inmate can see the counselor and all we have to do is put our ID cards in the box and then we are call to see him. I did this two weeks ago and due to my position as an instructor, I was called right away with a minimal wait. It would have been nice to know two weeks ago that they were closed and I would come back in three weeks. But again communication is certainly not a strong suit here. I may not like it which is why I will continue to work my recovery everyday in order to NEVER come back to this awful place.

Now I have no answers regarding any of the questions especially the family visit. I was certainly hoping to have an idea when my wife can come to visit. She needs to make a whole host of travel arrangements and the more advance notice the better. It is also approaching a critical time - whereas does it make sense to visit here or when I get to a fire camp? The travel plans would be much easier for her if I am stationed at the fire camp in Southern California. My wife can also visit with some very dear friends in the area. Oh well, it looks like one more week of waiting. I do know one thing, I am always astonished when things go smoothly because it is a rare occurrence in a place like this.

I returned to my bunk and composed the next 4 letters over the next 3 hours. I will need cosmetic surgery to remove the permanent indentation on my right middle finger from all the writing I do but it is well worth it! I discover so many aspects about myself through these letters and I am thankful to everyone. Today was the perfect day to write and rest. I have worked out fairly hard over the past 4 days and certainly needed the rest. The writing I did today was as therapeutic as my exercising and amazingly enough the day passed quickly. I am not sure who or what but someone is certainly looking after me and keeping me SAFE and STRONG.

Simple Piece Of Paper

When I went inside for the afternoon unlock as has been the case for the past 2 months I performed my daily hygiene ritual. This consists of laundering my clothes in the sink and taking a shower. My day is so simplistic and even though each day especially those from Monday to Friday are eerily, similar the time passes quite rapidly. I have now been here at Sierra conservation Center the longest of my three (first stop – County Jail, 2nd stop – Reception Center) stops along this journey. I was at the County Jail for an excruciating 31 days. I was at the Reception Center for 70 days and now including today I have been here 75 days. I have noticed over the past few days that I have been more irritable than ever. It may have something to do with the holidays and it also may have something to do with me being here over 10 weeks. Both of these things I certainly cannot control and I must remind myself to keep up with the positive attitude.

Some days are easier than others to keep up the positive attitude. For the most part my fellow inmates have been very respectful. There are a handful of inmates who seem to rub me the wrong way. I must stop being so judgmental because I have no right. Also, I believe the very close confinement of my living conditions have a bearing on my irritability. Again, I have no control over this and I must accept it because it truly is only temporary. I do work my “program” each and everyday to the best of my ability and my program includes keeping to myself. I do keep to myself and again for the most part everyone is very respectful. However; there are times where I would love to be left completely alone. For instance, many of my fellow dorm mates have to know everyone else’s business and there is no privacy. If I am reading an article which I received from my mother or friend so many of my dorm mates want to know what I am reading. Most times my reply to them is, “This is personal.” They seemed put-off but do walk away. There really is a fine line I walk each day not to piss anyone off. There are times when I cannot help it but I do try to be cordial to everyone. I guess it all falls back to patience which I must be. I have over 18 months remaining to serve on my sentence (this is without fire camp which will shorten my sentence once I arrive there; however, for now I am going with the worst case scenario) and can only be achieved one day at a time which is why I have to maintain my patience level. The mental aspect of this journey certainly has been the toughest part and each day presents it own challenges. I do know as long as I keep with my program I will be fine.

Yesterday afternoon even though there wasn’t any incoming mail due to the passing of President Ford the C/O’s still had mail to pass out. It appeared they were catching up on the holiday mail because I received 9 pieces. The postmarks on these ranged from December 15th to December 22nd. I was a bit overwhelmed with all the mail because each piece was from a different person. In this I received 4 Christmas cards and I continued to be overjoyed by the outpouring of love and support from my family and friends. The blessings keep coming and coming everyday. I do thank everyone for their well wishes.

Dinner last night was at the dining hall and I did receive an extra helping of rice and mixed vegetables. Again I was given American cheese for my protein substitute. I believe the American cheese weighed one pound again. I still have a difficult time believing the prison dietician approves giving the American cheese as an acceptable substitute for protein in a vegetarian diet. Nevertheless, the cheese seems here to stay and this does make my dorm mates very happy because I give it away daily. I do have a watchful eye on the menu now that peanut butter is no longer an option and I will stay back in the dormitory more often. It is not with me making the trip to the dining hall in order to feed my dorm mates. I don’t mind helping them out but I must concern myself with myself first and foremost.

Last night being an evening yard I did go outside with the sole purpose of walking a few miles. I certainly enjoy the evening walks and my “friend” does join me on these walks. Also much to my surprise something happened with the telephone sign-up list which actually made perfect sense. Someone (with a great deal of common sense!) decided to take the telephone list from the night before and apply it to yesterday’s evening yard. This meant I could make the 7:45 pm telephone call. For the first time something positive happened with the telephone list and I was very pleased. I was able to speak with my wife and wish her a Happy New Year. She sounded wonderful and once again the 15 minutes went by like a flash. When the telephone call was over I was able to sign-up for another telephone call on Thursday so I can call my mom. Hopefully, I can only wish, this will set off a positive string of events with the telephone.

The regular C/O who handles my dormitory must be on vacation this week because there is a substitute this week. Things like the mail and the passing out of ducats have been delayed over the past day. Very late (almost 10:00 pm) I received something through the inter-office mail. This is a very simple piece of paper which I have been waiting almost 2 months for. This very simple piece of paper was from my county where I was arrested and it stated I have no outstanding warrants or charges. Initially when I went to Classification on November 1st there appeared to be a paperwork snafu. According to the paperwork it stated I still had a charge which wasn’t cleared. I did look at the paperwork and it was clear that it was a typo. However; the prison officials wanted to ensure this was indeed the case. They sent a request to the county and finally 2 months later the request came back from the county and I was cleared. This was the last hurdle I needed to overcome to get to a fire camp. Sometime next week I should receive my full fire camp clearance along with a gate pass. The gate pass means I can attend fire fighting training and when I receive my family visit with my wife I don’t need to be handcuffed and shackled en route to the family visit. I can just walk over there without any “accessories”. I am no longer considered a “high risk” convict. This simple piece of paper made me extremely happy. I did fall asleep with a smile on my face. With all this stated, I still must continue to keep on top of this until I receive the official notification of my “Full Pack” status. Everything is lined up now and I must make sure all the I’s are dotted and T’s are crossed. I have learned to not take anything for granted but I am cautiously optimistic things will go very well and it is on to fire camp.

I am almost at the 2 month mark in my Instructor position and this means I only have 2 more months to go in order to secure my choice of fire camp. It certainly appears I will be here at least the next 2 months and I would like to maintain my instructor position and be able to select the fire camp. Once my “Full Packet” status is official (hopefully next week) I will speak with the Coach and see if it is possible for me stay until March as an instructor. I do enjoy this position immensely and I would hate to lose it right now. Hopefully, the coach can hang onto me for the next 2 months and once my commitment is fulfilled I can go through the 8 day Firefighting Training program and be at the fire camp located in Southern California by April. This would deduct 5 months from my sentence and instead of being released in July of next year I would be released in February (hopefully in time for my children’s birthdays) of next year which is only 13 months from now.

This morning was much of the same when I woke up. I did watch the morning news and again didn’t see anything on the alleged new prison sentencing guidelines. I did see another prison story which again was very negative. San Quentin Prison in Northern California is under quarantine do to the spread of the Nora Virus (flu like symptoms) to almost 2,500 inmates. I have never heard of this virus but again I consider myself very fortunate because in the past 5 1.2 months I have remained riot and virus free. The power of prayer does work and I thank everyone for those prayers.

For the first time in awhile breakfast did not fill me. All I had were 2 helpings of oatmeal as I gave away the French Toast I didn’t bring any extra peanut butter because I thought I would receive a tube according to the menu, I did not. The oatmeal was very unsatisfying and once again as I was departing the dining hall I received the American cheese sandwich as my vegetarian lunch. I was considering stopping off at the pill call line on the way back to the dormitory, but the line was very long and I didn’t want to wait in it to find out the still didn’t have any protein drinks. I by passed the line and went back to the dormitory. I did discover they were indeed still out of the protein drinks and as it stands now I have received 3 protein drinks in the last 16 days, not that I am counting or anything!

I went back to the dorm in order to wait for the morning yard unlock. I read a few more chapters of “Lifeguard” but had to stop because I did not want to miss the unlock. I waited for over an hour (the unlock comes so fast and I must be readily available when it comes which is why I wait in the television area) near the door for the unlock. I finally gave up and went back to my bunk in order to read. As soon as I went back the unlock came and I raced to the door. I did make it but I wasted an hour and a half waiting. It would have made more sense to sit and read but the television area is very busy and distracting which is why I chose not to read. In spite of having a delay of an hour and a half we still had the PFT Plus class. It felt great to workout and although I don’t like the late starts, it is much better than doing nothing. The Coach was there to speak with the instructors after the class and apparently not much has changed with the PFT class since yesterday. It does appear Friday will be judgment day for the students in the class. Either they will re-test or start another 9 day training class. It will be interesting to see if the students do re-test as to how many of them will actually pass the test. These students have not been doing much training this week because most of them thought they were finished with the class. Unfortunately for them this is not the case and now only time will tell what happens.

I did finally finish “Lifeguard” by James Patterson and this novel was filled with more twists and turns than a usual Patterson novel. The book was excellent and I continued to be amazed at the prolific writing styles of the authors. I am rapidly going through my new book collection but there will be a slow down because I need to write many letters over this weekend which I am always happy to do. My program is working well and is with a heartfelt thanks to my dear family and friends for their tremendous love.

Cream Beef

For the second evening in a row I stayed back in the dormitory during dinner. I had no desire to get cheese for dinner as was stated on the menu on the “alternative entrée”. It certainly does appear American cheese has taken over as the vegetarian choice from peanut butter. Interesting that this has occurred in the New Year, maybe it has something to do with cost. I would be very interested to see the nutritional value of American cheese versus peanut butter. I do know peanut butter does not contain any cholesterol which is a positive over the American cheese. From my perspective it appears peanut butter would be a better alternative over the American cheese but hey what do I know. Also, my meals are decided for me so I have little choice. I am fortunate to be in a position to make my own food. Last night I did make my own food of rice and beans. The rice was whole grain rice and the beans were dried but didn’t taste half bad. The beans were spicy Refried Pinto Beans. I usually don’t like refried beans of any type but these beans did not have the refried taste which is a good thing. I did make enough of the rice and beans where I ate most of it out of my bowl and I was also able to make my own rice and bean burrito. I was indeed full after I ate my dinner.

I had a scheduled 7:45 pm telephone call last night but that was shot with the unannounced “flip-flop” of the yard. I did not go outside last night because my tier only had afternoon yard making my scheduled telephone call useless. After my “homemade” dinner I started yet another James Patterson novel, “Lifeguard.” I need to mention that this book also has a co-author Andrew Gross. Apparently, Mr. Patterson has published several other novels with a few co-authors. He has written other novels with Andrew Gross in the past such as 3rd Degree, 2nd Chance, Judge & Jury, and The Jester. Even though this novel (Lifeguard) was written with a co-author and is not an “Alex Cross” (James Patterson lead character) novel, it is just like many of the other Patterson novels because it is filled with action and extremely fast paced. I only read for a few hours but got through the novel. It was very difficult to put it down but I know I had to go to sleep. I did put it down as I went to sleep at 10:30 pm.

I woke up at 5:00 am but didn’t get out of my bunk until 30 minutes later. Today being Tuesday meant I had to get my sheets and laundry together. I stripped my bunk and kept my one good sheet and turned in the other two. I have discovered the more sheets I have on my bunk the more comfortable it is. I have not done what many of my dorm mates have done to their mattress which is secure four or five sheets permanently to it. My dorm mates tightly wrap the mattress with these sheets and tie them with a ripped sheet. It truly is a large production but I am happy with tying my sheets together and getting fresh ones each week. I was thinking about taking an open mattress which had five sheets permanently affixed to it but I hesitated too long and the bunk was filled the next day. (By the was I am still waiting for my new mattress which I requested 2 months ago but all is well ever since I received the 2nd mattress.) I am in the process of accumulating more sheets because this seems to work best for me. I completed this ritual and went to the television area in order to watch the morning news. I did watch 1 hour of the news and ever since “Heroes” went on hiatus a month ago this hour is the only time I watch television all day. Again, I was interested to see something on the alleged new sentencing guidelines but there wasn’t any information on it. There was something about prisons which wasn’t very good because there was a race riot in a prison located in Southern California (Chino). Apparently according to the report 50 inmates were injured in this riot which occurred last Saturday (December 30th). Also, it appears up to 800 inmates were involved and it took 2 hours for the prison guards to control the situation. Thank goodness I am not located at the prison because I certainly can do without that type of excitement.

It was onto breakfast where I had to request my vegetarian tray because the main entrée was creamed beef. I am not sure but sometimes it takes a few minutes for me to receive a tray without the creamed beef and nothing else added to it. Today was one of those days and by the time I arrived at the table my usual table mate was almost finished with his breakfast. I was surprised he was still eating. I guess he slowed down on my account! I did receive the requisite two tubes of peanut butter (I guess the American cheese wasn’t readily available!) with my breakfast tray. I mixed one tube of peanut butter into the grits and as I was eating them when I tasted something that didn’t taste like grits or peanut butter. Apparently, a stray morsel of cream beef slipped into my grits and I did not notice it until I placed it in my mouth. I actually did swallow this stray piece and I almost gagged. (Yes, I am a “psycho” when it comes to food!) I did my best to wash away this awful taste by drinking all of the skim milk and grape juice but I could still taste it. I examined very closely the remainder of the grits and found 3 other small pieces. After finding these I couldn’t eat anymore grits and I was done with the breakfast. I am sure it is in my head but I had that awful taste in my throat all morning. It truly did ruin my appetite most of the day. During the PFT Plus in the morning as I was performing the exercises I still couldn’t get this taste out. At one point during the class I really thought (yes, I know I have a problem) I was going to throw up and it had nothing to do with the exercises and all to do with that horrible taste. Somehow after running 8 miles and doing 2 PFT Plus classes this taste finally was exorcised from my system, thankfully.

When I returned to the dormitory I had prepared my bunk and locker area for inspection. Inspections have been postponed for all of December due to the Holidays and weather issues. Today the weekly inspection was back on which meant I had to take down all the clothes lines on my bunk and clean off the top of the locker. It appears to be a pointless exercise because once the inspection is complete back goes the clotheslines and the things on top of the locker only to be taken down next week. I guess this is an example of who really is in charge and it is certainly their rules. I do follow the rules because I don’t want any issues whatsoever. After preparing for the inspection I waited for the morning unlock in order to do the PFT Plus class. From some unknown reason the unlock came 30 minutes late but it did come. Interestingly enough the “Coach” was out in the yard prior to the unlock because he had returned from his vacation. There has been an on-going controversy since the PFT class ended last Friday as to whether or not the students had passed the class. There have been all kinds of rumors circulating since last Friday and me being an Instructor, received countless questions in the past 3 days. (Brief re-cap; a substitute “Coach” granted the students a semi-test last Friday, according to the substitute coach he was satisfied with all the students performance and would see if the Administration would accept the results.) Now with the regular coach back I was hoping those rumors would be put to rest.

The Coach did speak with all of the Instructors after the PFT Plus class and filled us in on the latest. According to the Coach all of the students in the PFT class failed and will return this Friday for a new 9 day class. This failure was at the request of the substitute Coach and a supervisor not the Administration. (There is a back story to all of this and to briefly discuss the substitute Coach and the regular Coach do not get along – enough said.) Apparently the substitute Coach took it upon himself to advise a supervisor that every student should fail because they did not complete a full test. This is very unfortunate because it was he who cut out a significant portion of the test. The students appear caught in the middle of something that is very wrong. The regular Coach is urging another supervisor that he should re-test the students prior to Friday and see who passes. This option makes the most sense and will at least give the students a chance at passing. Otherwise it will be another 2 plus weeks before the students test. This also has trickle down ramifications to all of the other inmates (like me) who are waiting to get into a PFT class. This would mean I would not get into a PFT class until at the earliest February. This is critical because I need to be officially in one class in order to move on to fire camp. The sooner I get to fire camp the sooner I get to be with my family. On the bright side with all these delays I am approaching my four month commitment so I can indeed select the fire camp I would prefer to attend. Another positive would be, if I do indeed pick the fire camp my wait time will be diminished significantly after I finish the Firefighter Training session. Whatever is the case I do firmly believe everything will work out for the best because it has so far.

The regular Coach had an air of disappointment in all his mannerisms as he spoke with us. Unfortunately the Coach has a bad reputation with the regular inmates because of his demanding nature. If they could have seen him speak during this meeting I know many of them would change their minds. The Coach was doing everything in his power to help the students and his number one priority is the students. The decision appears to be out of his hands and now it is just a wait and see what happens. I did find myself passing the information I learned in this meeting to many of my fellow inmates who were in the class. They were very disappointed for obvious reasons but as I explained I certainly have a bias for the regular Coach. I believe this information will change the perception of the coach but all in all it was a sad day for these students. I do hope common sense prevails and the right decisions are made.

When the meeting was concluded I needed to start my morning workout with my legs feeling good, I did run 7 miles. I didn’t concentrate on my stop watch for once and ran within myself for the first 5 miles. The last 2 miles I felt very strong and ran much faster. It was once again a good run and I did want to rid my body of that horrendous taste of cream beef. The last 2 miles I got a great sweat working which helped but the taste still lingered. I went back to the dormitory for lunch and could only muster eating a Nutri-Grain bar and nothing else. I read a few chapters of “Lifeguard” and went back outside for the afternoon session of PFT Plus class. Once again just like the morning I did all the exercises in the class. Strangely enough after a fairly strenuous morning workout I made it through the class without working up a sweat. I believe my body continues to build up a tolerance to sweat and when I have a “sweaty” session earlier I have a much more difficult time sweating later. I do sometimes feel a bit awkward because many of the inmates in the class are sweating profusively at the end of the class and I look like I haven’t done anything. Hopefully it doesn’t discourage anyone to continue trying their best. Once the class was finished I headed toward the pill call line in hopes of receiving the protein drink. I waited 35 minutes and when I reached the window I was told they were still out of the protein drinks. This is getting very discouraging and at some point I may just give up but I will continue to try. I would like to make an appointment with the doctor and inform him about the low supply of the drinks because I am sure he is unaware. However, there is so much red tape to cut through and I am sure I would ruffle some feathers by telling the doctor. I will sit tight and play it by ear and when it gets to the ridiculous stage I may do something.

I finished my workout session by doing 20 minutes worth of push-ups. I have noticed my upper body strength training so I did about 400 good push-ups in this 20 minute period. It is so easy to cheat while doing push-ups which is why I concentrate on perfect form. This makes a huge difference and although I only do sets of 10 it truly is a great exercise. While I was doing the push-ups an inmate came up to me and asked yet another question regarding the PFT class. As always I was cordial and answered the questions to the best of my ability. I don’t mind being asked these questions but sometimes the training is not so great especially when I am exercising so I must remind myself to be nice. I do try but sometimes my words may seem more abrupt than usual and I must be aware of this at all times. The push-up session had ended and I was just in time for the preferred 2:45 pm unlock. I did wait a few minutes for the unlock and as I waited one of my newer dorm mates asked me - rather told me I run flat footed. I was sort of setback by this comment because no one has ever said this to me and I have an extremely high arch which is the opposite of a flat foot. My response was, “Really I have never heard this before”. Then he went on to describe how I run. I may not have minded this so much if another Instructor had told me this but this new dorm mate is older than me, is slightly overweight and wears a bright yellow jacket with the letter “Mobility Impaired” printed on it. Normally I would have blown this off and thought nothing of it but I couldn’t. I then proceeded to explain to him the proper long distancing running form is having the heel strike the ground first followed by the toe and it may seem like flat foot running but it certainly is not. After I explained this he just said “Oh” and we went into the dormitory.

As I thought about this interaction I know I still have a long way to go with my character defects. I may have patience in some areas but other areas I need to get better. This is one of those areas especially when I feel “superior” which I am not. I need to be much nicer and exhibit more patience at all times. Each day is a learning experience and I do continue to learn. Now I need to apply these learning experiences to my daily affairs. Thank God for my recovery because without it I would be on the wrong path which I am not. All of this may seem simple and mundane but it is crucial in order for me to live life with a positive purpose. I try each day to live this way and I am thankful for each day.

Hello 2007

It was good to see the year change from 2006 to 2007 because it means I am one day closer to being with my family. Last night was an extremely uneventful New Year’s Eve for me. I made a soup “stew” for dinner. I had one of the Top Ramen soups with tuna fish, carrots, crackers and mustard. Oddly enough the combination of these ingredients yields a pleasant (at least to me) tasting soup. I had almost forgotten to eat dinner because once again I was so immersed into writing I lost all track of time. It was well past 7:30 pm before I made this dinner. As a treat after dinner I did make myself the last remaining packet of sugar free hot chocolate. This is a very nice treat and a good way to cap off 2006.

The dorm last night was livelier then it has been since I arrived. The radios were playing quite loudly all the way up until 11:00 pm when the quiet time starts. I wasn’t sure if New Year’s Eve was exempt from quiet time but everyone lowered their radios at 11:00 pm. There was no reason for me to stay up until midnight in fact, I was very tired and went to sleep at 10:30 pm. I tried to read prior to this but the noise level was too loud and I couldn’t concentrate. This was just as well because I just lay in my bunk observing my dorm mates. A few of my dorm mates had come over to my bunk prior to me falling asleep and wished me a Happy New Year. I thought this was quite nice and there are some good people here in spite of the circumstances. I only fell asleep for a few minutes because I was awakened by the loud sounds emanating from the television area which is only 10 feet away from my bunk. I did hear the midnight countdown as my dorm mates followed along with the ball dropping. The clock struck midnight and there was a great deal of hollering from not only my dorm mates but in the other dorms. My dorm mates were very jubilant (and they were all sober!) at the New Year hour. They did have some choice words at midnight and I really couldn’t understand why they were saying these things. Interestingly enough earlier in the evening, the C/O’s came through and confiscated all the garbage cans, mops, and buckets. I can only guess as to why these were confiscated and I think it has something to do with starting fires. It appears getting these items out of the dormitory was a very good preemptive strike by the C/O’s.

I think I finally fell asleep around 1:00 am as my dorm mates settled down. I did wake up at 5:30 am and was very eager to watch the morning news to hopefully confirm yet another prison overcrowding rumor. Supposedly the Governor of California will sign revised sentencing guidelines on January 11th. (What I am about to write is all hearsay so none of it may be true.) These revised sentencing guidelines will reduce the sentence of many non-violent offenders. Those inmates who have been sentenced to serve 80% of their term will be reduced to 50%. Other inmates (such as me) who have been sentenced to serve 50% of their term will be reduced to 35%. This is one of the solutions to the Judge’s order to relieve the overcrowding because with these reductions 30,000 inmates will be releasde early. No, I am not one of those 30,000 but if this information is indeed correct and the new sentencing guidelines are applied retroactively my new release date would be December of this year. Of course this makes me very happy but again I have no idea if this information is accurate. I was hoping to see something on the news this morning regarding this but there was no mention whatsoever. Hopefully, I can confirm or deny this rumor by week’s end.

Today being a Holiday is an official day off from my instructor’s position so it was just like a Saturday and Sunday. I went to breakfast with my dorm mates and sat with my usual table mate. The breakfast this morning was oatmeal and pancakes. All of us were given 4 pancakes which would be considered “silver dollar” size. I was observing my table mate who eats so fast - eat his pancakes. He had eaten all 4 of his pancakes and I had only finished my first one. It was unbelievable because I never actually saw him eat any of them. It seemed when I briefly looked down at my tray he had eaten all his pancakes. I do get a little uncomfortable while I am still eating and he seems to be waiting for me. I do speed up my eating and try to accommodate him. It must be working because he always sits with me. Also we are always the first ones back to the dorm from breakfast. Sometimes when we get back to the dorm the C/O gives us an unlock and 10 minutes later most everyone of my dorm mates return from breakfast. I do enjoy his company but I don’t want to get indigestion. Every other breakfast is much more manageable than today’s because I only eat the hot cereal whereas today I had the pancakes to contend with. I do look forward to when the PFT class starts so I can go to early breakfast and sit with someone else who doesn’t east as fast.

The string of me receiving peanut butter and strawberry jam sandwiches for lunch was broken this morning when I received the dreaded American cheese sandwich. It does appear I may be having a problem with lunches this week. We received the new menu last night and I guess because of the New Year the format of the menu has changed. Now the menu includes the alternative entrée selections (fancy words for my vegetarian tray) each day and according to this menu I will be receiving the dreaded American cheese sandwich 5 times and PB&J 2 times; this certainly does not bode well for me. I do have plenty of peanut butter in reserve so it really isn’t a big deal. Also, this new menu informs me of the “alternative entrée” for dinner as well. This does eliminate my guesswork and it looks like I will be staying back in the dorm several times this week. Tonight would be one of those nights because the main entrée is hot dogs with the “alternative entrée” being just vegetables. I am not sure how vegetables constitute a full meal but it certainly is the case tonight. Again, this is just as well because I have plenty of food in my locker and there is really no need to go to dinner.

This morning after returning back to the dormitory from breakfast, I read some of “The Broker” prior to going out for morning yard. At least I thought my tier had morning yard but as the yard opened the C/O’s unlocked the top (I am on the bottom) instead of the bottom. It became apparent I would not be having morning yard and for that matter evening yard. Ever since I arrived here yard has gone like this, one day afternoon yard the next day morning yard and evening yard. Yesterday I had afternoon yard so logically I would have morning yard and evening yard. Also, the telephone sign-up corresponds with this schedule. Two days ago on Saturday I signed up for a telephone call tonight and also yesterday I signed up for a telephone call for tomorrow afternoon. If the C/O’s were going to alter the yard program I would have hoped they would have communicated this to us inmates and I would have hoped they would have made alternatives for telephone sign-up schedule. No, none of this was the case. As I and many of my dorm mates were waiting for the morning yard unlock we finally spotted a C/O. We asked her what was going on with the yard schedule. She replied, “Oh, we (the C/O’s) decided to go back to odd and even – (this meant the top tier which is where the odd numbered dorms are located would have morning and evening yard on odd days such as today being the 1st where the lower tier which has the even numbered dorms would have morning and evening yard on even days such as tomorrow the 2nd and so forth.) days!” It certainly would have been nice to know this in advance now I cannot make my telephone call tonight and tomorrow because that schedule has been voided. (And so it goes with the telephone!) This is yet another example where there are so many things out of my control. When I finally realized the yard schedule had essentially been “flip-flopped” I just shrugged my shoulders and went to my bunk.

I returned to reading “The Broker” by John Grisham. In fact, I finished the novel this morning. It was a nice way to say hello to 2007 because the book was very good. As is the case with all of his novels it was well written and very fast paced. I particularly liked what Mr. Grisham wrote in his “author notes” at the end of the book regarding how everything in the book is fictional. The brief paragraph in the “author notes” I believed was written with so much humility I now have the utmost respect for Jon Grisham. I did finish the book well in advance of the afternoon yard and there was no need for me to eat lunch so I listened to music for awhile. I checked out the television area where one of the countless College Bowl games was playing. I had no interest (thank God!) in watching the game so I returned to my bunk and listened to more music.

The unlock came for the afternoon yard and I know I had to sign-up for a telephone call because the two I had scheduled were rendered useless with the switching of the yards. There was a long line for the telephone sign-up for today but I had little interest in waiting in this line. I know my wife wouldn’t be home until this evening and I wasn’t sure where my mom would be. I would just wait to call my wife on Wednesday afternoon. Much to my surprise the regular telephone sign-ups for the Wednesday telephone call went very fast. I was able to secure a 2:00 pm slot and went to start my workout. I ran 12 miles yesterday and didn’t want to run today which meant I would do the Harvard Wall. Prior to doing the Harvard Wall I did my version of the PFT Super class by myself. I do enjoy this workout because it is 30 minutes of high intensity muscled cardio activity. I elevate my heart rate very quickly and sustain this over the 30 minute period while also performing strength exercises such as push-ups and burpees. I was able to get a very good sweat going. Directly after finishing this session I went over to the Harvard Wall and did 60 minutes. My “friend” walked by while I was doing the Harvard Wall and he noticed a few other inmates doing this same exercise. He then said to me, “these guys over there seem like they are standing still compared to you.” I just smiled when he said this and I thought to myself there are few inmates who exercise on the Harvard Wall while I am doing it. These inmates appear to try and keep up with me but seem to stop after a few minutes. It is certainly not a competition and as I told my friend, “at least they (the other inmates) are doing something it doesn’t matter how fast or how long they go, at least they are trying.” I do enjoy when other inmates try to keep up with me because it does make the time go faster and also I like to looks on their faces when they stop and see me keep going. I do get a lot of head shakes but they are always accompanied with a smile.

My afternoon workout session finished with the Harvard Wall and I made sure I was finished by 2:45 pm for the unlock. Of course the unlock came later (3:00 pm) because I was on time, it never fails. This being Monday meant I could put my sweaty workout clothes in my laundry bag because laundry is tomorrow. I did not have to wash any of my clothes today and I shaved prior to showering. This made the process much faster. By this time I was finished and again made a very late lunch which consisted of a PB&J (what else!) sandwich and a soup. I am in the process of having my Hot Pot altered because even though the water gets hot it does not reach a boil. I have located a fellow inmate who can modify the Hot Pot. Having the water boil makes for much better rice because as it stands now the suggested cooking time on the rice is 5 minutes which takes 25 minutes. I believe having boiling water will speed up the process. Of course having the Hot Pot modified does come for a price which is $2.00. My $2.00 consists of 10 soups which is one of the reasons I bought 96 soups at the store. This way I can pay with the soups and still have some to actually cook when the Hot Pot is modified.

New Year’s Day 2007 was just like any other weekend day. I did my best to stay in the here and now. I was able to accomplish this through reading this morning and exercising this afternoon. Another day is ticked off of my sentence and I am one day closer to my incredible family. I did make it through the holiday season without falling to pieces. It certainly wasn’t easy but by the same token it wasn’t horrendous. I would prefer this to be my last Christmas/New Year’s Holiday separated from my family and hopefully it will. If not I know the next one will be the last and I will get through it one day at a time.

I wish everyone the best in this New Year and may love and goodness guide your journey because it certainly continues to guide mine.