Cycle Starts Again

Yesterday was not a total loss because after my “homemade” meal of pasta with vegetables prepared in the hot pot, I ventured outside for the evening yard for a telephone call to my mom and to walk a few laps. I was able to accomplish both without incident. I spoke with my mom for the brief 15 minutes and this time I was out of sorts. I haven’t quite been myself all week, and my mom came up with a very good reason. As we were talking, I told her about my irritable mood this week and said maybe I was holding in all my emotions last week during the holiday and now these emotions are seeping out. She is correct because during the Christmas Holiday I was so focused on getting through without falling into a depression. I was successful because I made it through the week, but I think I forgot the fact that no matter what, I am still here even though Christmas was over.

My focus was solely on the very family Holiday of Christmas and I thought once I got through it I would be fine. I most certainly repressed a great deal of feelings last week and now they are coming out in different ways. Most notably, I am very moody and many of the little things are starting to bother me. For instance, last night as I was walking around the track I noticed that 98% of the inmates would spit onto the track. I know this is inconsequential in every aspect of my life but it was bothering me last night. I guess it has bothered me for sometime but I just ignored it. Thankfully, I didn’t say anything to anyone who was spitting because that would certainly do me no good, but I couldn’t believe how many inmates were doing this. I do wonder what causes this phenomenon because I never spit even when I am working out intensely. As I mentioned this really shouldn’t bother me and I know it. Also, part of my irritability could be due to the fact that I have been here 11 weeks which is one week longer than my previous stop. I must be mindful that even though my sentence of 2 years is not that long, I cannot allow my mind to skip ahead to when my time is served. The fact of the matter is I currently have 18 plus months to serve (less than when I arrive at a fire camp). Over the course of the next 18 months is another Christmas and other significant dates in the lives of my family. No matter what I think I will miss those dates while serving my time. The key for me is to treat everyday the same no matter what. Christmas Day is no different than an April 8th or a June 3rd and the only way for me to serve my sentence is one day at a time. I do realize I am repeating myself; however, it is very important for me to consistently remind myself. Somewhere along the line I will snap out of this funk, but I am very happy my mom pointed this out.

I had a very good conversation with her and as always my mom always comes up with some very good ideas. She proposed one of these ideas last night regarding 12 step meetings. She suggested that I start a meeting with a fellow inmate. Of course this is a very good idea; however, I am not sure if I am ready for this responsibility. My current position of PFT instructor makes me sort of the “go to” inmate on the yard regarding anything associated with PFT. In effect, I have become an answer man. Most times I don’t mind this, in fact I rather enjoy it. However, if I were to add the responsibility of holding a 12 step meeting to my duties, I may be overextending myself. I do understand my recovery is the most important aspect of my life which is why I practice the principles of the GA Program (sans meetings) each and everyday. I would love to attend a weekly GA meeting that would be dedicated to recovery. I am very fortunate because I have so many wonderful friends in the GA Program who write to me very regularly and these letters are meetings themselves. There is no replacement for a live meeting; however, my recovery is working very well at the present time so I won’t change anything at this point. Hopefully, when I get transferred to the fire camp in Southern California near where my friends live, my weekend visits can turn into GA meetings. No matter what happens I do know I am on the correct path and when my sentence is served, I will become an active GA member once again. The Program has saved my life and I will not turn my back on this Program with these magnificent people.

The telephone call with my Mom ended quickly but she did have one more good suggestion. She said I should write a few anecdotes regarding my fellow inmates and these should be funny. A few minutes before I wrote this sentence, there was a big commotion in my dorm as many of my dorm mates were looking out the window. I stood up and wondered what they were looking at. Out the window into the yard an inmate – rather portly I might add - was returning to his dorm form the dining hall. For some unknown reason this inmate decided to run full speed and dive into a huge mud puddle located near the softball field. This inmate was successful if his intent was to entertain everyone because all of my dorm mates including me let out a very large laugh. When the inmate got up from his “dive” he was covered with mud from head to toe. As he got up he sprinted back to his dorm hopefully to take a shower. I wonder if he will wash his clothes in the sink tonight? You certainly won’t catch me doing any mud dives for the simple fact I hate washing my clothes in the sink! I’m not sure if this anecdote was what my mother had in mind, but it is a start.

There is something I would like to add about my fellow inmates. I have touched on this a few previous times. The language they use is very foreign to me. I did notice many similarities in the language my fellow inmates use and the music – which is not really music, but rap – they listen to. I believe if anyone is interested in learning the language used inside the prison they should listen to any Gangster Rap CD. I would like to offer the names of these rappers, but I have no idea who they are but was amazed at the similarities in speech.

Once again I woke up wide-awake at 3:00 am. I lay in my bunk and listened to my fellow inmates snore. I am very fortunate because the heavy snorers are located at the other end of the dorm. I did my best to keep my mind from wandering and did a good job. I was able to fall back to sleep as I was thinking about the upcoming day. Today was either the first day of a new PFT class or the last day from the previous one. No matter, I was looking forward to starting another cycle.