Changing It Up Slightly

My biggest challenge since starting my job as PFT instructor has been the weekends because I am allowed out only once during the day and once at night. I am making the best of it. Last week I was very fortunate to receive an incredible visit from my two wonderful friends. This will likely be my last visit until my wife comes for our family visit.

I made it one full day without consuming any peanut butter. Once I consumed my tuna fish and mustard sandwich, I embarked on my writing. This took up most of the afternoon. When I was finished I could either read or venture into the television area and watch the NFL playoff game. I am having a difficult time getting into my current novel COLD CASE by Stephen White. The storyline is very good but there is a whole host for background which seems to delay the storytelling process. The book is taking me twice as long to read and I find my mind drifting as I read. So I decided to wander into the television area and watch the football game. My fellow dorm mates were just watching the game with no “fan interest” in any of the teams. There weren’t any obvious rootings going on like there is when certain teams play. This was a good way to kill a few hours on a Saturday afternoon. I better enjoy it while I can because next week I won’t be so fortunate because the San Diego Chargers are playing.

This team is a huge “fan favorite” of my dorm mates and quite frankly watching their games is not enjoyable. From my fan perspective the Chargers are having a great season and I certainly don’t mind them; however, the obnoxious rooting by my dorm mates has made me secretly root against them. I know this is petty and in the grand scheme of things means absolutely nothing. However, the rooting during the Charger games is beyond fun and I believe some of my dorm mates believe the earth will stop rotating if the Chargers lose.

After dinner I walked a few laps when I saw my friend who was not exactly enthused about walking last night. He wanted to take the night off, but I sort of “twisted his arm” and he joined me in a few laps. We had a very good conversation and when he was supposed to make a phone call, he believed he wouldn’t be able to get through. I asked if I could use his time and he replied, “Of course.” I had 11 minutes to use to call my wife. If having a 15 minute phone call seemed fast, having the 11 minute phone call was like lightening! I was able to inform my her about the family visit and the reclassification hearing. She also informed me of some good news regarding one of my “consequences” I have burdened her with.

Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to speak to my daughter who was still up at that time (10:55). She has been having difficulty sleeping lately. My wife didn’t go into detail because the telephone call was ending. I certainly would have loved to speak to her regarding why she is having problems sleeping but I couldn’t. This is not unusual for my daughter because in the past she has had difficulty, also. She is an 8 year old going on a 50 year old worrier. She worries about many things and I couldn’t venture to guess what is on her mind now. I am positive my wife will calm any fears my daughter has because she has done an exceptional job with her over the years. Upon hearing all this, I thought how wonderful it would be if I could kneel down at my daughter’s bed and speak with her. We have had some great conversations in the past and based on how well her speaking skills have advanced over the past 6 months, I am positive it would have been a great face to face conversation.

My wife and I ended the telephone call with something we haven’t discussed in six months. The strain I put on her can be felt in so many ways and is not limited to physical, mental, financial, and emotional. It is all of these things and many more. She is doing a remarkable job providing some sense of normalcy to our children. Also, our surrounding family is also providing the emotional resources necessary to endure this situation. Unfortunately, sitting here on my bunk some 3000 miles away, there is little I can do. Also, I must continue to recover so I have the tools necessary to repair what I have destroyed. As I mentioned the time I lost is gone forever but in recovery I can gain everything back. This is not an overnight project, it is a lifetime event which requires consistent effort on my part and can only be accomplished one day at a time. The days are adding up rather quickly and there is no sense in looking back. As long as I treat each day in the here and now everything is great.

Upon hanging up, the inmate I was walking with decided to call it a night. I continued to walk by myself. Halfway around the track I heard footsteps behind me. I instantly knew the sound of those footsteps because there is only one inmate who walks as fast as me on the entire yard. It was the lead instructor who joined me and we talked. I have never met someone who is so committed to exercise as this person. During the instructors “OFF” days his workouts are legendary. He has certainly made good use of his time here and he has certainly made good use of exercising without the aid of weights and other equipment. He’s a few years older than me and is in phenomenal shape. Unfortunately, for him he has another 3 ½ years to go on his sentence. Oddly enough he is not allowed to attend fire camp due to the nature of his crimes. He is appealing the decision and should know in a few months. Unlike my sentence which provides a further reduction when I arrive at fire camp, his sentence prohibits further reduction and he must serve the remaining term. If there is one inmate who should go to fire camp, he is the one. I am not privy to the specifics of his charges, but whatever they are it is apparent at least to me he has devoted his time here to rehabilitate himself mentally and physically. It is unfortunate because from what I have seen at least in my case, I am judged by a piece of paper which is presented to a commission. That piece of paper had a typo on it and it took 2 months to get that cleared up. That paper cleared me for fire camp and not once was I judged personally nor was the entire background presented.

Now I can only imagine what the lead instructor is going through because he has spent the last 3 ½ years getting himself better and he did this all on his own. His papers will be presented to a committee in a few months and he will be judged on them instead of what he has been doing currently. There are other inmates who are allowed to go to fire camp, yet that is like a joke and they eventually get thrown out for various reasons and sent back here. Based on what I have seen of this lead instructor, he will be an asset to a camp. Needless to say we had a very good conversation as we walked before he made his telephone call. He was telling me some things which were weighing on his mind and as I apt to do I told him what he wanted to hear. In the past I told people what they wanted to hear and this is one of my character defects. Over the past 2 years I have gotten better and now I am selective with my comments. Last night was an opportunity for me to “tell it like it is” but I didn’t feel it was appropriate. However, I was sort of kicking myself later when I thought about the conversation. I guess there is a fine line between being brutally honest and commiserating with someone. I do need to work on this and will be very mindful as I move ahead.

It was a very good evening because I was able to obtain the protein drinks for the third day in a row. Also, I walked 5 miles in total with 3 different people. The last laps were with a fellow instructor who gave me some very good advice in getting to fire camp quickly. I will follow this when the time comes. Yesterday was not a bad day for a Saturday and even though another marble came out of the jar, I am making the best of the marbles, FINALLY!